THE ONE (Audio Only Version) by Adam Zopf INT. DRUG STORE - DAY NARRATOR In a drug store makeup aisle, Jane Willis (30's) applies and wipes off countless lipsticks. She notices a super together Kardashian type, Lila watching. JANE I know I shouldn't be doing this but... I am? I'm just trying to match the shade of this stupid Instagram influencer see... LILA That's my friend. JANE Oh! Love her! Style wise. I mean, her opinions on vaccinations are highly irresponsible but... yeah. She’s... great. (then) Oh my god! You're wearing the shade! Which is it? LILA It’s a blend. JANE A blend! Of course! Which two- LILA Four. JANE Four? LILA “Strawbury My Face In A Pillow”, “Lick My Rosebud”, “Double Peachetration”... JANE Not very subtle... LILA And “Fuck Me Hard Red”. JANE Wow. Just coming right out with it on that one, huh? (then) I don't see them here. 2.
LILA Because this is a drug store. Why are you buying your makeup in a drug store? JANE (thinks) Cause Sephora doesn’t sell ZzzQuil? NARRATOR Lila looks Jane over. JANE Are you judging me? It’s okay. I know I’m not very- LILA I’m looking for positives to build on. (then) I like your boyfriend jeans. Where’d you get them? JANE They’re not “boyfriend” jeans. They’re just jeans. That belonged to a man. I used to know. And sleep with. LILA I’m sorry. Let me make you feel better. Here, use this. Age defying face cream. It's super basic but it works. You’ll love it. JANE That doesn’t really make me feel- It does? Wait, are you like my age...? LILA Um... No. I’m nineteen. I use it so I don’t have a problem later. But it could help you too. You know... Repair. JANE (ouch) Gotcha. (then) Can I ask... What exercise are girls doing for their asses to make them... that way? LILA Surgery. 3.
NARRATOR Lila walks away, flaunting an impossible ass. JANE (to herself) Fuck. SOUND: Jane's cell phone rings. JANE Hello? CAMILLE (phone, Australian accent) NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER!!!! JANE FUCK! NARRATOR At the register, Jane buys two jars of face cream, gossip magazines, ice cream, tequila and... JANE I'm gonna need a carton of the most dangerous cigarettes you have. SOUND: Music. SOOTHING FEMALE VOICE Live... Love... Laugh... Learn... Learn to live. Love to laugh. Laugh to learn. Live to love. UPBEAT WOMAN Don’t frown, because then no one can fall in love with your smile! UPBEAT WOMAN #2 Give yourself the "present" of a new future. SOOTHING FEMALE VOICE How do you find “the one”? By becoming “the one”. How do you become "the one"? By receiving the prophecy of... (whispers) THE ONE.... 4.
SOOTHING FEMALE VOICE Take it from this real life customer who is real. CAMILLE No one knows exactly how the prophecy of "the one" works. No one knows what’s in water or clouds. But it’s in there. And in the prophecy of "the one"? Love. Love’s in there. In this book, "The One" by Jane Willis, there is the answer to everything. Finally. NARRATOR In her office, Jane's book agent, Camille (Australian, 30's), presses pause. CAMILLE What do you think? You’re speechless. I know. It’s very powerful. JANE I’m sad inside. CAMILLE The breakup. Of course. JANE No. I mean, yes. The breakup but- This ad is sad. You can’t possibly plan to put this out into the world. CAMILLE Plan? No. It’s already playing in 11 cities. JANE What? CAMILLE We have to advertise your book tour. JANE Book tour?! CAMILLE Jane, your book is touching people in a way that’s truly special. And now you get to touch them back. 5.
JANE I don’t want to touch the kind of people who would be touched by this book. CAMILLE Do you know how many copies we’ve sold so far? JANE Look, money isn’t the- CAMILLE You’re a millionaire. JANE (blurting, "no way") Fuck you. CAMILLE It’s true. Before our cut and production costs and taxes... For the moment... It’s made a million dollars. JANE Oh. So this isn’t that big of a deal then? CAMILLE Yet. We just shipped 50 times the copies and we are putting “The One” and your face everywhere. You are touring the 9th to 20th biggest markets in the United States. And if that goes well? You could be on the Drew Barrymore show. JANE (in awe) I love Drew Barrymore. CAMILLE I know you do. Everyone loves Drew Barrymore. She tells people to buy your book? These pages might as well be made of money. You could get your own talk show. Don’t you want your own talk show? You want your own talk show. 6.
JANE (conflicted) I’m not a fan of traveling. I’ve seen the world on Instagram. I get it. This is all so overwhelming. Why the fuck did I blog after our break up? Why couldn’t I just eat ice cream and watch Gilmore Girls and drink Chardonnay intravenously like a normal person? CAMILLE You had a gift to give to the world. JANE I had a load of bullshit that I vomited on to the internet when I was hammered. CAMILLE Viral vomit that I scooped up in my hands and turned to gold. (then) Do you have crystals in your purse? JANE What? Of course I have crystals in my purse. CAMILLE Take them out. Take my hands. Dear Universe... Please guide Jane on her journey. JANE If I hear the word “journey” one more time- CAMILLE (ignoring her) On her journey to touch those she’s touched so that they may touch her back. (to Jane) Are you putting energy into the crystals? Cause I don’t feel it. JANE (beat) There. CAMILLE That’s better. (then) And Universe, please make Jane a huge success so she can show her ex-boyfriend- 7.
JANE This isn’t about him. CAMILLE Of course not. (then) So she can make $5 million actual dollars. In her bank account. After taxes. Buy things with it cash. JANE Really? CAMILLE Really. And be on Drew Barrymore show. Which her ex-boyfriend would see and know he made a huge mistake. There, don't you feel better? JANE Not really- CAMILLE Great! I'm emailing your tickets.
INT. JANE’S APARTMENT - NIGHT NARRATOR At home, Jane's bedroom is scattered with her entire wardrobe and every bathroom product she owns. She puts a single pair of socks in her suitcase. JANE There. Progress. (then) Oh shit... Alexa... "Is it normal to not be able to sleep unless you've had an orgasm?" Wait- That's not action oriented. Alexa. "Can you bring a vibrator on a plane?" ALEXA (speaker) I have found two articles. "It's perfectly fine to bring your vibrator on a plane." and "Never bring your vibrator on a plane." JANE Mixed messages, Alexa! 8.
INT. AIRPORT - MORNING SOUND: Airport sounds. NARRATOR Jane sees the colorful x-ray machine detail every item that passes through it. She starts to freak out. JANE Don't freak out, Jane. NARRATOR A man in front of Jane has to remove an electric razor and turn it on. JANE Oh Jesus son of a fuck. Fuck it. Excuse me. Excuse me. Just a water bottle I have to get rid of. NARRATOR Jane hustles to a garbage can but just as she gets there, a Custodian removes the bag leaving an empty metal box. Jane doesn't see as she reaches inside her bag and covertly grabs her vibrator and tosses it in. SOUND: A CLANG and then a vibrator rattling like a paint can shaker. JANE Oh my god. Oh- um, okay. Never mind! I did not need to use the garbage after all! I'll just be going through security now! Here's my ticket and license. TSA AGENT You sure you didn't forget anything? SOUND: RATTLING VIBRATOR AGAINST METAL. JANE Nope! All set! 9.
INT. AIRPLANE - DAY NARRATOR Aboard the flight, Jane looks at her ex Todd's Linkedin page. FLIGHT ATTENDANT Drinks? Drinks? JANE I'll take a margarita. FLIGHT ATTENDANT Miss, this is the plane. Chili's Too is back in the airport. JANE Wine is fine. Any kind. NARRATOR Getting her wine, Jane notices the women next to her is reading "The One". Jane yanks the in flight magazine out and buries her face in it. MIDDLE SEAT WOMAN Don’t worry. I’m not one of those people who talks to strangers on airplanes. JANE Yeah, me neither. And you’ve got your book so I’ll leave you to it. MIDDLE SEAT WOMAN Book? Please. This is fucking garbage. It’s like a shit sandwich where the cover is the bread and the pages are the shit. JANE (please kill me) It can’t be that bad. MIDDLE SEAT WOMAN Oh, it’s that bad. But it’s like, so is love, right? So I figured fight shit with shit. I mean, what am I gonna do, give up on love? Even though I want to. Dear God, do I want to. 10.
JANE Relationship troubles? MIDDLE SEAT WOMAN Other than men are idiot fucking children with no idea what women have to go through to even walk out of the fucking house each day? JANE I hear that. MIDDLE SEAT WOMAN We have the kids. Aging matters more. Get paid less. Now, we gotta deal with big titty ho bags waist training themselves into balloon animals. JANE I was thinking about trying that. MIDDLE SEAT WOMAN Don’t. I did. End of the day you take it off and you fart for fifteen minutes straight. And speaking of assholes... JANE Speaking of assholes? MIDDLE SEAT WOMAN They wanna fuck us in them. And it’s like, I gotta poop out of there for the next 40 years, man. I can’t have my shit falling out sideways when I get older. JANE Gotta... Gotta keep your shit straight. MIDDLE SEAT WOMAN Yes. Yes, you do. But the thing is... I want fucking love. Just love. Simple ass love. (then) Real love. Not “ass love”. JANE Right. Love in your heart. Not in your ass. 11.
MIDDLE SEAT WOMAN Is it too much to fucking ask to find one motherfucker who isn’t a total asshole to watching Netflix with? JANE It’s really not. MIDDLE SEAT WOMAN And that’s why I buy stupid shit like this book. I’ll fuckin’ put energy out into the universe. I’ll shove crystals up my chakra if it gets one decent person to come into my life. JANE So, you like the book? MIDDLE SEAT WOMAN It makes me feel better. I dunno. I guess. Maybe. JANE (confused) Gotcha. MIDDLE SEAT WOMAN I like you. What’s your name? JANE Loni. MIDDLE SEAT WOMAN Loni, I’m Sharon. Pleased to meet you. I’ll shut the fuck up so you can go back to online stalking your ex. JANE I wasn’t... MIDDLE SEAT WOMAN Please. We all gotta have our bullshit, girl. Online stalking. Trashy books. Pinterest. Make your own jewelry. Etsy some shit. Whatever. They got their fantasy football bullshit. A woman needs her bullshit. 12.
NARRATOR Sharon puts on her headphones and goes back to Jane's book. JANE (thinks) Fight shit with shit. Dating app it is. NARRATOR Jane opens her phone and downloads a dating app Simpatico. Potential matches come up. JANE Even works seven miles up. Maybe you are down there. FLIGHT ATTENDANT Take your empty? JANE Yes and a vodka. And keep 'em coming. FLIGHT ATTENDANT Way to get with the program, honey. NARRATOR Jane begans swiping right on various guys. SOUND: With each swipe: Hola! Hola! Hola! NARRATOR Later, asleep in her neck pillow, Jane's thumb presses "Hola" on guy after guy as the plane bumps. SOUND: With each swipe: Hola! Hola! Hola! Music. Hola! Hola! PILOT Wanna welcome you to Philadelphia. City of Brotherly Love. Time is 8:42 in the a.m.. JANE (snorts awake) Wha? Who? Huh? Hola? What- Three thousand, six hundred eighty one matches? Holy shit! NOSY PASSENGER That’s not morning language. 13.
JANE I’m on LA time.
EXT. PHILADELPHIA STREET - DAY NARRATOR Jane exits a cab to a huge line of women outside a bookstore. JANE (to driver) Yep, never mind. Actually, can you take me back to the- SOUND: The cab driving away. JANE And there you go. Okay. All set. On your way. FEMALE FAN Hey! It’s her! Jane! Hi! JANE Hi! (to herself, sing songy) You are not a fucking fraud. You are not a fucking fraud. You are not a fucking fraud.
INT. BOOKSTORE - DAY NARRATOR Displays of "The One" copies everywhere, Jane sits at a table with a pile of Sharpie markers. HEATHER THE AWKWARD FAN Wow. I can’t believe it’s really you. JANE Me neither. I see you brought your book. HEATHER THE AWKWARD FAN Actually they made us buy one here. Well, you did, I suppose. So you could make more money. JANE I didn't- I wasn’t aware of- 14.
HEATHER THE AWKWARD FAN No, no, no! I’ll just- um... Read it again. It’s so good. JANE Thank you. Who should I make it out to? HEATHER THE AWKWARD FAN Heather. That’s H-E-A-T-H-E-R. JANE So, just Heather. HEATHER THE AWKWARD FAN People could spell it a different way. JANE How? HEATHER THE AWKWARD FAN H. E... E. T, H, A, R. JANE HeeeethAr? NARRATOR They stare at each other. Jane goes to sign and realizes she's forgotten cursive. JANE Haven’t really used cursive in a while. Used to texting. NARRATOR Jane gives up and starts writing block letters. HEATHER THE AWKWARD FAN You can’t sign it like that. That’s not a signature. NARRATOR Jane scribbles a line with flair and shuts the book. JANE So nice to meet you! SOUND: Music. 15.
NARRATOR A hot mess approaches the table. HOT MESS People tell me I’m exactly like you. JANE Thank you? HOT MESS Here’s my book. JANE Great, who should- Wait, this is your book. HOT MESS That's what I said. "Undaunted: The Unauthorized Story of the Life and Times of a Bad Bitch Diva". Which is me. I figure you give it to your publisher. JANE Unauthorized? But you wrote- Nevermind. I can't just give it to my publisher. That's not how it works. HOT MESS Make it twerk. JANE I, um... I would need time to read it so maybe... Leave. It here, I mean. HOT MESS Understood. You’re a busy woman. I just followed you on Facebook. Follow me back. JANE Oh, I have to sign the books so maybe later- HOT MESS You a boss bitch. Take a break. Take out your phone. JANE I lost it. 16.
HOT MESS Was your number? I'll call it. NARRATOR Jane whips our her phone. JANE Oh there it is! Followed you back! All set! SOUND: Music. ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT ANNIE I have a question... Which Disney princess is your favorite? JANE Um. I always liked Dumbo actually. ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT ANNIE (beat) Mine’s Ariel. She’s the Little Mermaid. JANE I'm not really familiar with- ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT ANNIE (almost enraged) She's beautiful. She just wants to be part of our world. SOUND: Music. It cuts out. HOT MESS I noticed you unfollowed me. I can’t believe you would treat your protege this way. JANE Look, I'm sorry. I don’t really have any interest in your book. But, I don’t have interest in my book either. HOT MESS You know what? Fuck you, Ms. Queen of Borders Bookstore. JANE This isn’t a Borders. Borders went out of business. 17.
HOT MESS Fine. We’re authors without Borders. Whatever, bitch. SOUND: Music. JANE Well, that was fun. I guess I’ll just head to the hotel and kill myself. BOOKSTORE EMPLOYEE Ms. Willis, the microphone is a go for the reading downstairs. JANE Reading downstairs? DOWNSTAIRS - MINUTES LATER SOUND: A hundred women murmuring. NARRATOR Downstairs, a hundred women wait for Jane to speak. JANE I'm going to kill Camille. (then) Okay, Jane. No one ever died from public speaking. (then) Except Jesus. And Martin Luther King. And a whole bunch of other people. SOUND: Clapping. JANE Thank you. Thank you all for coming. I guess we’re really doing this. (then) "The One" by, well, me. (reading) The mystics... Buddha. Gandhi. Einstein. Dr. Oz. The energies... Light. Air. Happiness. Healing. And Love. For millennia, the mystics have searched for the power to harness the energies. In the stars. In the seas. In... outer space. But little did they know, it was always right there. Inside them. Because the key to finding something is to know you already... 18.
(wow this makes no sense) You already have it. You are in love the moment you decide you are. You have the power to say “Hey me, I’m in love now.” Can you feel it? Love. Inside you. There. Now you can. It’s as simple as that. SOUND: Voices in the crowd agree. "Uh huh". "That's right." JANE Really? Um, okay. I guess I'll keep going... (then) I was alone. Broken hearted. My boyfriend of three years had dumped me. He said we didn't "fit together" anymore. Facing a lifetime of being single. And then dying. Alone. I was without love. But it was then I discovered the secret to love. To finding “the one”. I decided to simply be in love. I was “the one”. Knowing I had already found what I was searching for, I knew then, that I could find it. By being “the one” I would find “the one”. (stops reading, tries to interpret this nonsense) There were two ones is what I’m saying, I guess? SOUND: A lot of clapping. JANE Wow. Okay. You guys are into it. Um, Chapter one. Harnessing the power of the stars.
INT. HOTEL ROOM - DAY NARRATOR In her hotel room, Jane downs a mini-bar bottle of scotch as she pours another into a glass. CAMILLE (phone) So... How did it go? JANE Oh, just checking to see if I still have an ass considering I just spent two hours lying it off. 19.
Why do I not remember this thing being that full of shit? CAMILLE In this new printing we might’ve added a few things. JANE Might have? CAMILLE We might have, did. JANE Didn’t you already might have did enough when you turned my stupid blog into this... this... CAMILLE Book. It’s technically a book. SOUND: Hola! JANE Fuck! This stupid Simpatico app. How do you turn notifications off on this thing?! CAMILLE You’re looking for love again! JANE Yeah. No. I got drunk on the plane and the bumping... I kept pressing the button. CAMILLE You meant you “manifested” it. JANE Whatever... I’ve got 3,287 matches. CAMILLE Woah. You’re really putting it out there, Jane. Did you put your boobies on the app? JANE No! CAMILLE What? It’s a thing people do. Other people. Than me. (then) Oh my god! 20.
I have the best idea. This is your follow up book! JANE I hate when you have an idea. CAMILLE Your search for true love among men from across the country. Like "The Bachelorette". JANE (thinks) Go on. CAMILLE During your book tour, you look across the country for love and... if you happen to fuck a lot of guys, then great. JANE What?! CAMILLE Like on the show. People like sex stuff. Experiment. Suck a lot of penises. Oh, maybe get into anal? JANE Camille... I- I can’t have my shit falling out sideways when I’m older. CAMILLE There’s exercises you can do to tighten things up after. (then) I’ve heard. JANE Can we not talk about stretched out assholes? CAMILLE Sure. Right. It’s not about ass love. It’s about finding proper love. Which you want, right? NARRATOR Jane considers. Later, she's opened up the Simpatico app. 21.
JANE Dating through a phone. How bad could it be? "You have received 304 moments." What's a moment? Click to expand... Ah!... Dicks! I've received dicks, Simpatico! Dick! Dick! Nothing but- Okay, here's a guy smiling. And... he's in a wheelchair. That's fine. I would totally date a guy in a wheelchair. He’s handsome. And he’s bound to have character. "Click to read message". "Hi, Jane. Wanna fuck?" Shit. Wait, how does- NARRATOR Up pops a pic of Wheelchair Guy with a dildo strapped to his mouth. JANE Oh. Okay. That’s actually kinda smart. But you’re also fucking disgusting. SOUND: To music, JANE Oh, you love bacon? Good things are good, huh? Are bad things bad? How about getting stabbed? Do you not like that? (then) Sunglasses. Sunglasses. Every pic... How about instead of sunglasses, you wear a ski mask? Or maybe take a picture in the fucking dark? (then) Have shirts even been invented in your guys' world? Are they rare? Is it like back in the day with spices? One of you should set voyage to the shirt islands. “Come! I have procured clothen tops for to cover our abs!” (then) Where are you idiots finding tigers to pose with? If we have kids are you going to let them like ride a shark or some shit? Enough. I don’t need a man this bad. LATER 22.
NARRATOR In bed, Jane stares at the ceiling masturbating under the covers. JANE Damnit. Why don't my fingers have a vibrate setting? NARRATOR She picks up her phone. JANE Technically, it’s a work assignment. Jesus... I can feel the weight of all the dicks. Okay, search radius one mile. And... One match. Don’t be a douche bag. Don’t be a douche bag. NARRATOR Up pops Danny (30's, very in shape) shirtless in sunglasses leaning on a Mustang. JANE Douche bag. Shit. (then) Enable further locationing. "Danny is 5 feet from you." What? NARRATOR Jane looks around then down.
INT. HOTEL BAR - NIGHT Sound: Hotel Bar. Piano music, etc. NARRATOR In the hotel bar, Jane looks across at Danny, who doesn't see her. JANE Well, he hasn’t sent me a dick pic, yet. Maybe he’s a nice guy. SOUND: Message alert. JANE And there it is. Danny, you were so close. (then) Wait, this dick is... dark? Latino? Mixed? Fuck it. We gotta get this show on the road. (typing) "I'm across the bar." Send. Please, don't murder me. 23.
NARRATOR Danny walks over, stopping to tilt a tv showing sports highlights toward Jane. DANNY Hi, there. JANE (re: phone) This pic isn’t your dick. DANNY It’s an approximation. I’m a professional athlete. Kind of well known. I use my own sausage, that’s gonna end up online. NARRATOR A highlight of Danny as a Cincinnati pro baseball player shows on the tv. DANNY Oh, wow. That's me on tv. That's such a coincidence. JANE Were you sitting in this bar, waiting for a girl to recognize you off tv so you could sleep with her? DANNY (clearly yes) No. (then) That was a home run by the way. JANE Relax. I don’t care that you play baseball or whatever it’s called. DANNY It’s called baseball. I'm a four time all-star- JANE I said I didn’t care. I just need to know you won’t kill me and leave me in the room. DANNY Why would I do that? 24.
JANE Good answer. Let’s go. DANNY (feigning innocence) Go where? JANE Quit playing coy. We’re wasting sex time.
INT. JANE’S HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT NARRATOR Back in Jane's hotel room, Danny is on top of her mid sex but, JANE I’m sorry, can we stop for a second? I'm a little distracted. Your tattoos. Is that Tweety Bird with a giant hard on? DANNY Oh, no. That’s a baseball bat. JANE Ah. But it’s supposed to be his... DANNY His dick. Yeah. I don’t even know if Tweety has a dick. So, I gave him a baseball bat dick. JANE Got it. Um, can I ask, what’s the theme going on with all these? DANNY Nothing. I just get whatever pops in my head. JANE So you’re into irrational, impulsive decisions and I’ve let your penis inside me. Glad you wore a condom. DANNY It’s not like that. Every time, I get a game winning hit, I get a stupid tattoo. Started with this one my rookie year. 25.
JANE Slimer from Ghostbusters driving a monster truck? DANNY Yeah. Two run double. This one? Homerun I hit in extra innings. JANE I can't even begin to guess. DANNY Shaved Chewbacca in a cowboy hat. JANE Ah. Okay. I get it now. I guess. (then, impressed) You’re still hard. DANNY Yep. JANE You’re a good fit by the way. DANNY Thanks. May I...? JANE Please do. SOUND: They start back up. Fade out/in. JANE (exhales) That's the good stuff. DANNY Listen, I’ve gotta get up early. Gotta rise n’ grind. JANE Why am I not surprised you said “rise n’ grind”? What you have one of your matches at 9 am? DANNY It's a game, not a match. And no but- I- I do have to rise n’ grind. Got some important stuff... to grind. 26.
JANE I’m sure you do. You can save the speech. I’m exhausted. Have a good one! NARRATOR Danny throws on his clothes and backs out, feeling slightly used.
INT. CHARLOTTE RADIO STATION - DAY RADIO AD VOICE You're listening to CHX 97.5 Charlotte's number one inspirational and smooth jazz station and home of the Carolina Panthers! SOUND: Panther roar. NARRATOR Radio host, Rosemary, a cigarettes and whiskey 52 years old, has slammed coffee in this room since 1987, the year it was decorated. She looks at Jane's book. ROSEMARY Well, look at this tampon commercial, would ya’? “The One”. Perfect title. Why fucking date when you can just buy love, huh? JANE I’m sorry, my publisher told me this was supposed to be... Good? Nice, I mean? ROSEMARY Relax, we’re on the same team here, chick. Check it out. NARRATOR Rosemary pulls up a background shade of a sunset revealing, ROSEMARY Got my own books, cds, dvds. This, two storage units and my spare bedroom full of this crap. JANE Are those cassette tapes? 27.
ROSEMARY You’re god damn right they are. I’m available in all formats. Hell, I’ll do eight track if you special order. Gotta cater to my audience. My demo settles in right about 66 years old. But an active 66. We're both targeting the singles, divorcees and the just plain losers. But I’m also swimmin’ in the deep end. Widows and widowers. JANE Oh. That’s so sad- ROSEMARY (cutting Jane off) I find burying a love one really softens up a man’s testicles. Pussifies them. Let’s me carve out some of that male golf cash while I’m bringing in the female figurine moola as well. I mean, they’re gonna waste their money on something. JANE Don’t you think that’s a little cynical? ROSEMARY Good one. You almost had me. I was gonna say take notes - Happy to impart some wisdom to a young buck in the game - But looks like you’ve already learned what it took me four marriages to. JANE I’m afraid to ask. ROSEMARY Love is a fucking waste of time lie that kicks you in your stomach’s balls till you shit your sense of hope out and get real. NARRATOR Rosemary throws on headphones. JANE (to herself) That was even worse than what I could've possibly imagined. 28.
ROSEMARY (little too loud now) But hey, might as well make a few bucks off the saps who still believe. Am I right? JANE (to herself) I think you may be insane. ROSEMARY (didn’t hear Jane) Alright! Let’s get that energy up! You’re about to go live nationally to three million people. JANE Three million?! NARRATOR Rosemary rips her headphones off. ROSEMARY Three million? Yeah, three million. Satelite radio is a fucking fad, alright? Terrestrial. The earth. Ain’t goin’ nowhere baby. Now put on your headphones and make that attitude as perky as those tits of yours and lets sell some bullshit. PRODUCER We’re on in three, two... SOUND: Soft intro music giving way to. ROSEMARY (soothing show voice) Hello friends and lovers. It’s your Rosemary welcoming you to another episode filled with sharing, growing and being there for one another through the magic of radio. Terrestrial radio that is never, ever going away. I have a very special guest today. Author and relationship expert... Please welcome to our little pow wow... Jane Willis. Hello new friend, Jane. JANE Um, Hi, Rosemary. It’s... 29.
(approximating Rosemary's show voice) It’s- It's great to be here. ROSEMARY You know, I’ve read your book and I found it fascinating. NARRATOR Rosemary mutes their mics. ROSEMARY Start talking some bullshit. I have five God damn hours to fill. NARRATOR Rosemary unmutes their mics. JANE Uh, um. Thank you very much. I wrote it from the heart. And I’m so glad... It’s found its way into yours. ROSEMARY So wonderful. Let’s take a call, shall we? You’re on with Rosemary and our special guest, Jane. OLDER FEMALE CALLER Yeah, about nine years ago, my husband Curtis died falling off a ladder. ROSEMARY He’s with the angels now. Tell me, do you have a Rosemary eternal flame candle? Those come in a package of three.
INT. CHARLOTTE BOOK STORE - DAY NARRATOR At her Charlotte book signing, woman after woman buys Jane's book as she signs them. JANE It was so nice meeting you. Have a nice day. (then, to herself) Love is bullshit. I’m a prostitute. Thanks for your money. 30.
NARRATOR A store worker wheels out a rack of "The One" t-shirts. JANE What. The. Fuck? MOMENTS LATER (Note: Camille is on the phone.) NARRATOR Moments later, in the back of the store with mountains of just arrived "The One" merchandise. CAMILLE Do you love it? JANE No, I don’t love it, Camille! Little bullshit crystals and bookmarks! That was supposed to be it! Not t-shirts and jackets and there's a fucking board game, now?! CAMILLE Players get heart points on their journey to- JANE I don’t give a shit about the rules! Is that perfume?! CAMILLE I approximated your smell. SOUND: Jane spraying. JANE Oh. It’s actually not bad. (sees price) $79.99?! CAMILLE Did you know perfume costs like 50 cents to make? JANE Really? (then) This is ridiculous! CAMILLE It’s branding, Jane. “The One” isn’t just a book. It’s a feeling. It’s hope. We can sell. 31.
JANE You know what? It doesn’t matter this is all bullshit cause love is bullshit, just like that sad sad woman from the radio says. CAMILLE I thought you’d be inspired by Rosemary’s branding. JANE Stop saying "branding". Her brand is like if a trip to the dentist and a pack of cigarettes gave birth to a grandmother who told you everything sucks. CAMILLE Jane, you’re going to listen to a person who lives in Charlotte? You live in Los Angeles. Do you know who else lives in Los Angeles? JANE (thinks) Drew Barrymore. CAMILLE Do you know who was on Drew's news this morning? JANE You're lying. CAMILLE I am. But you could be very soon. Your book. And then eventually you. Now... You love Drew Barrymore don't you? JANE Yes. CAMILLE So we know love is real. And guess who just moved up to #7 on the New York Times Bestseller List? JANE Me? CAMILLE You know who that gets you closer to? 32.
JANE Drew. CAMILLE Can we be happy like Drew then? JANE Fine.
INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT NARRATOR Back in her room, Jane opens up the Simpatico app. JANE Let’s try and get this down to a manageable roar of cock. "Delete all moments". Si. So many dicks. Gone with the wind. (then) "Find phrases... sexy, baby, you up?, Up?, Rise and grind, rise n' grind, work hard play hard". "Found 872 instances". Delete. Okay, phase Two. (then) Send no makeup selfie. "This is what I really look like." Matches... 2,162, 2,109, 1,978. Assholes! (then) Now to the cheaters. "I will go through your phone and message your girlfriend or wife and become best friends with them." Send Message Yeah, that's gonna kill like 500 of you. (then) Poll question was... Do you want to see my tits? A. Now. B. Eventually. Results? 352 votes for now? Think, idiots! SOUND: Ding. NARRATOR Jane gets a new message from Danny on her makeup free pic. 33.
JANE (mocking him) From Danny. Nice pic. Sure thing, Tweety. (then) Okay, now for some targeted deleting. No cosplaying. Dr. Who? Try Dr. No. (then) No acoustic guitars. I wouldn't even let Dave Matthews fuck me. Maybe some light fingering. (then) No guys in those weird colored business shirts with white collars! No guy with a snake! No chain wallets! No old guys in fitted jeans! No super old guys in any jeans! Bald guys... Bald guys are in! It’s just hair and not reflective of your personality or life choices! But no bald hipsters! (then) Okay, down to 957. Making progress. SOUND: Airport noises. PILOT Welcome to Atlanta. Where the players play.
INT. ATLANTA BOOK STORE - DAY NARRATOR Jane walks into the next bookstore and is immediately cornered by a woman with peacock feathers in her hair. ANGELIQUE Jane Willis. You are my spirit animal. I have read your tome 57 times. Digested it into my soul. It lives in my DNA. I am your book now. JANE Oh wow, you're- Extravagant. Thanks. That's- That's- 34.
ANGELIQUE I quit my job as a yogi slash singer songwriter slash professional closet organizer to pursue your teachings full time. JANE My teachings? ANGELIQUE Your gospel needs to be spread and I am here to serve you. I have set up a seminar. You are the guest of honor. You will be feted. Like the goddess of knowledge you are. JANE I really just wanted to sign some books, then get lunch at the Panera across the street and go back to my hotel room. ANGELIQUE I have arranged for you to dine on the energy of your sisters. The bookstore no longer had capacity so we're at the Best Western conference room next door.
INT. ATLANTA BEST WESTERN - DAY NARRATOR Angelique leads 300 women in identical "The One" sweatsuits in a meditation/prayer/chant of some sort. Jane is in a sari. ANGELIQUE (chanting) Om... Om... Om.... Feel our cycles. Closer together. Closer together. Closer... And... Synced. There. Our Query and Reply may commence. JANE I have one. Why am I wearing a sari? ANGELIQUE Because you are a priestess. JANE Oh. Gotcha. 35.
BETSY THE FAN (mic in the crowd) Hi. I’ve actually already found my "the one". My question is more about how to get them to come back. See, we were together for quite a while and everything seemed perfect but then there was a distance. A coldness. I would look in his eyes and he was disinterested. JANE I'm sorry to hear that. BETSY THE FAN I decided to give him some space but one day, I woke up and the door was open and he was gone. And I tried everything. ANGELIQUE Calling... Texting.... BETSY Well, I put fliers up. JANE Fliers? Oh god. She’s talking about her- Are you talking about a pet? BETSY My cat. Oswald. That is correct. JANE (whispers to Angelique) Where did you find these people? ANGELIQUE We have a Reddit devoted to non traditional healing and conspiracy theories. NARRATOR Later, Jane signs books. RANDOM WOMAN Namaste. JANE Yeah, sure, namaste. Have a nice day. NARRATOR Jane grabs another book and signs. 36.
JANE Who do I make it out to? DANNY Tweety Bird. NARRATOR Jane looks up to Danny holding her book. JANE Aw, fuck.
EXT. ATLANTA STREET - DAY NARRATOR Danny follows Jane down the street. DANNY Why didn’t you tell me you were a famous author? JANE Cause, I’m not a famous author. I’m just a person who ended up in a thing. DANNY You’re selling yourself short. This book is great. JANE Who read it to you? DANNY That's not nice. (then) I saw it in the airport on the way out of Philly. “Oh hey, there’s the chick I ba-" JANE Banged? DANNY Made love to. JANE Ew. That’s worse. DANNY Jane, your book has changed my life. 37.
JANE You cannot be serious right now. DANNY But I am. I realized I’ve been living my entire adult life just going through a series of unimportant physical encounters, completely missing out on the power the universe has to offer me. JANE Danny, it’s a bunch of- (lowers her voice) It’s a bunch of bullshit. DANNY Love isn’t bullshit. Love is real. And your book says if you believe you’re in love, love will come into your life. JANE But that doesn’t even make sense. DANNY Seems to make sense to me. Look at us. It’s fate. Jane, you’re my- JANE Don’t say it. DANNY “The one”. JANE Motherfucker. (then) Look, fate is bullshit and I’m not interested. DANNY We haven't even gotten to know each other. Why couldn't we work out? JANE Um, you’ve admitted you will basically have sex with anyone. DANNY Okay, I did also read about this term "slut shaming" and I think- JANE How many women have you slept with? 38.
DANNY Four or five... JANE Really? DANNY Hundred. Four or five hundred. Or a little lower. But probably a little higher. JANE Right there. Disqualified. Goodbye, Danny. NARRATOR Jane walks away. Danny follows. DANNY Look, I just think women are beautiful! But you’re right! I was only enjoying them on a superficial level! What else?! JANE Where do I start? All the things you put in your pics on Simpatico were literally in every other douche bag’s pictures. DANNY But I’m not a douche bag. I’m cool. JANE (laughs) Then you do a great douche bag impression. This is my hotel. DANNY Our hotel. I’m in town to play the Braves tomorrow. That’s why I’m in Atlanta. JANE Well... Well... I’ll just switch hotels then.
INT. ELEVATOR - CONTINUOUS SOUND: Elevator doors open and close. 39.
JANE I’m not going to switch hotels because I’m not going to go through life as a woman that once switched hotels because of a man. You switch. DANNY I can’t switch. The team booked it. JANE Fine. We just have to make it through the elevator ride. What floor can I push for you? DANNY Seventeen. JANE Fuck!
INT. 17TH FLOOR - DAY JANE Just go to your room and I'll go to mine. SOUND: Two key cards open two doors. DANNY Guess we're neighbors. JANE You did this on purpose. DANNY I wouldn’t even know where to start to do this on purpose. JANE (reads him) You’re right. You’re too dumb. It was nice meeting you, Danny. I’m going behind this door now. But the door isn’t just a door. The door is everything. Everything is between us. SOUND: Jane entering and closing the door behind her. 40.
DANNY (outside) Looks like a door to me! Here behind the everything if you need anything!
INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT SOUND: Tossing and turning in bed. JANE Buy a fucking vibrator already, Jane.
INT. BATHROOM - NIGHT SOUND: A bath is being drawn. NARRATOR Jane goes to the bathroom and as she grabs toilet paper, she takes the roll off revealing a smooth, round, silver toilet paper holder about six inches long. SOUND: The bath stops. JANE You're not married. No girlfriend. Won’t stalk me. You even have a job. You’re like the perfect man. (then) Not at all sad that I said that about a toilet paper holder. Alright then. Let's give it a shot. (then) Slowly lower, Jane. Slow.... Okay, and... we have insertion. Little cold. But... Good fit. Let's give it a stroke.. Okay... I think we're onto something... Yeah... Little faster... Mmmm... That's not bad at all. Yes... Yes... Fuck me- SOUND: CRACK, it rips off the wall. Jane falls to the tile. JANE Ow. (then) It’s built to hold a roll of toilet paper, Jane. SOUND: CLANG, the holder hits the tile. KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK on the front door. 41.
DANNY (O.S.) (from hallway) Hey, Jane! You okay?! MOMENTS LATER NARRATOR Moments later, in a towel, Jane opens the front door to Danny, also in a towel. DANNY You alright? I heard a loud banging. JANE I wasn’t banging. I mean, I was just, um... exercising. DANNY In a towel? Like naked squats or something? JANE Something like that. DANNY Cool. Well, long as you’re okay. NARRATOR Jane's eyes scan Danny's impressive athlete body. JANE Oh fuck it. SOUND: She kisses him. She pulls back. JANE This is just a physical thing. DANNY I get it. I like you but you don’t like me. You’re just using me. Whose room? JANE (thinks) Yours.
INT. DANNY’S ROOM - NIGHT SOUND: Them stumbling and making out into Danny's room. 42.
JANE I need to use the bathroom. DANNY Cool. NARRATOR Danny whips off his towel and Supermans into bed.
INT. BATHROOM - NIGHT NARRATOR Jane goes to wash her hands and sees a toothpaste, hair, spit, snot combo blog in the sink. JANE (disgusted) Dear God.
INT. DANNY’S ROOM - CONTINUOUS NARRATOR Jane comes out, her face in a grossed out blank stare. DANNY (chuckles) You have resting bitch face right now. JANE I’m sorry? DANNY I was just joking... JANE That my face looked like a bitch. DANNY I didn’t mean it like... I’m sorry... Seriously. It was dumb. JANE Would you like to know why I had bitch face? Your sink looks like a chipmunk gave birth in it. 43.
DANNY Yeah, they got maids so I just throw them a $20. JANE Except, I saw it and your bodily fluids and now you want me to just let those all around me. DANNY Oh, no. Well... a different one. But, you’re um, kinda killing the boner vibe. JANE Do you think my vagina is like Niagra Falls right now? DANNY You always make such a big deal out of everything? JANE (chuckles) Incredible. You know, I met a Sharon on a plane recently and she’s right: Being a woman is just harder. We have to get manicures and pedicures and our pussies have to be waxed and our eyebrows have to be perfectly arched. If there was a fucking horn growing out of human’s foreheads, we’d have to have it perfectly buffed and bejeweled. Miley Cyrus would have a fucking chain attached to it connected to her earrings and then we’d have to do that shit. Every time I look at makeup I think fuuuuuuuck. Why did the bitch who started this have to grind up a rose and smear it on her cheeks or whatever? To be a woman is to jump through 50 different hoops and be judged if you miss even one. And what’s our reward? Our looks mattering more. Aging matters more. Having to have babies. Less pay for the same work. And having sex and love and having a family held hostage by men. We don’t have resting “bitch face”. 44.
We have resting “looking at this asshole who won’t even clean a sink to fuck me” face. DANNY Wow. Okay. So, what should I do? JANE Clean the sink! Light a god damn candle maybe! You gotta make the fuck fuzzy! DANNY Make the fuck fuzzy? JANE There is a scenario in your head where “you” get laid. But you need to make this the scenario in a woman's head where she gets laid. Nice. Inviting. Get our mind vagina wet and- DANNY Your real vagina does too. (thinks) That makes sense. JANE (taken aback by his agreeing) Just... “that makes sense”? DANNY Yeah. Makes sense. Thanks for telling me. This is going to help me be a better person. JANE (still suspicious) What’s that supposed to mean? DANNY What I meant it to? What I said. I’m confused. JANE Me too. DANNY Do you wanna just sit on the bed and talk? LATER 45.
SOUND: Baseball on tv. JANE So basically you wear pajamas and hit a ball with a stick. And you’ve done this how long? DANNY Since I was nine. You know I do know partly what it’s like to be a woman. The aging and it mattering more. I’m not gonna be good at my job for much longer. JANE Oh, so you'll be worthless like me? DANNY No, I didn’t mean it that way. I meant things getting more serious. Having to figure out what you want in life. JANE You play a child’s game. DANNY But I’m 33. My athletic ability is dying. I can’t swing the bat as fast anymore. That’s why I was in the bar with my highlight on. I don’t hit that many home runs these days. JANE (re: his tattoos) Tweety Bird bat cock and Monster Truck Slimer not getting any new friends lately? DANNY Not since two seasons ago. JANE So you have like a biological clock? Your sport eggs won’t drop into your uterus glove? DANNY That's not the best metaphor but sure. 46.
JANE (chuckles) Metaphor? DANNY You didn’t think I knew the word “metaphor” did you? You know you can be just a little condescending. JANE (faux impressed) “Condescending”. Oooh. DANNY You think I’m dumb cause I hit a ball with a stick. JANE It doesn’t make you a scientist. DANNY It doesn’t not make me a scientist. JANE Name one scientist. DANNY Einstein! It was in your book! JANE It? He. He was in my book. Ugh. My book.... (then) You’re right. DANNY About what? JANE I was totally condescending to you. And like... you weren’t even a dick about telling me. DANNY Yeah, well, whatever. It's cool. JANE (beat) You know... It's getting kind of fuzzy in here. DANNY Mind vagina? JANE Getting pretty wet. 47.
SOUND: Music begins as they start to kiss. NARRATOR Early in the morning, Jane quietly sneaks out. As she passes the bathroom she notices Danny has cleaned it sometime during the night. JANE (whispers to herself) You son of a bitch. SOUND: A plane landing. PILOT The weather in Indianapolis is a balmy sixty two degrees ladies and gentleman. Get those shorts out.
INT. INDIANAPOLIS BOOK STORE - DAY NARRATOR A huge cake with sparklers is brought out as... FANS Happy Number One New York Times Bestseller Advice, How-To and Miscellaneous Category to you! Happy Number One New York Times Bestseller Advice, How-To and Miscellaneous Category to you! Happy Number One JANE (actually happy) Okay! Okay! I get it! That's too much to keep saying! SOUND: Fans laughing. RANDOM FAN Blow 'em out! SOUND: Jane blowing out candles. Clapping. JANE Thank you! Thank you so much! 48.
INT. INDIANAPOLIS HOTEL ROOM - DAY (Note: Camille is on the phone.) NARRATOR Back in her hotel room, Jane looks at a huge bouquet of roses. JANE Camille, they’re so nice. Thank you. CAMILLE Oh of course, darling. (then) What are you talking about? JANE The flowers. CAMILLE Oh. That’s what he was doing. Phew. So glad he's not a stalker. JANE "Congratulations. Danny." How did- CAMILLE He contacted me off the book cover. JANE And that's all you needed to give him my personal information? CAMILLE Jane, that's not important. What is important is that you are numero uno authoro in all of Newo York Bestseller List-o. JANE Advice, How-To and Miscellaneous category. CAMILLE Still counts! How does it feel?! JANE It feels like I'm still wondering why you gave a guy you thought might stalk me, my information. CAMILLE I have a sense about these things. He seems like a catch. 49.
Plus, I google’d him and holy shit is he hot. JANE And an idiot. CAMILLE But also the first thing. Don’t you see? You’re attracting “The One”. JANE No, Camille. We sell it. We don’t get high on it. CAMILLE Speaking of... Check your bank account. JANE Why, what's in my- Holy mother mary of god! That’s half a million dollars! And like the little shit amount I had before the half a million dollars. CAMILLE That is the advance on your second book. JANE That’s my money? CAMILLE Not technically yet. If you spent it all and didn’t give us a book we’d like, have you executed or something... But, all I need from you is to keep up your search for the “one” and write it down for a book. (then) Oh, and Danny wants you to stay at his place when you’re in Cincinnati. JANE Camille, did you pimp me out? CAMILLE No. I told him you were going there next and he offered his apartment. Like an Air BNB. He won’t even be there. JANE I guess that’s only slightly weird. 50.
CAMILLE Cause you had sex with him twice and didn’t give him your number? JANE How do you know I didn't- CAMILLE Relax. I took care of it. Will message you the details! Good luck with your new book! SOUND: Camille hangs up.
INT. DANNY’S APARTMENT - CINCINNATI - NIGHT NARRATOR Jane opens Danny's front door to a million dollar downtown Cincinnati apartment decorated in neon signs, pinball machines and other expensive toys. JANE He’s Tom Hanks from Big. A fucking child. How the hell does he afford all this? NARRATOR She picks up a card on the entryway table. JANE (reading) "Jane. Thought you might be sick of hotels. The fridge is stocked. Enjoy. Oh and please walk Randy Macho Man Savage here and there. Thanks." (then) Who the hell is Randy Macho Man Savage? SOUND: Little dog feet on hardwood floor running toward us. NARRATOR Danny's little dog scampers to Jane and stops in front of her. JANE Oh my God... You're Randy Macho Man Savage! Yes, you are. You just made me happy wet. Yes, you did. Yes, you did. 51.
(then) Speaking of...
EXT. DANNY’S APARTMENT BUILDING - NIGHT NARRATOR Jane walks Danny's dog in a grassy area outside. JANE Go on, Macho Man Randy Savage. Go pee pee. Oh, shit. You're about to shit. And there you go. ALEJANDRO He sure follows orders well. NARRATOR Jane turns to see ALEJANDRO (ultra handsome, built) with his own dog. JANE Whoa... You are handsome. I mean, What? Oh. No, I just realized I forgot a bag. ALEJANDRO You're in luck. I have extras. Allow me. JANE Wow, you are picking it on up. Really going above and beyond. ALEJANDRO Mine’s going too. No reason for us both to deal with it. JANE If you think about it, it’s pretty chivalrous. Romantic even? ALEJANDRO That I don't know about. (then) But a glass of wine could be.
INT. DANNY’S APARTMENT - NIGHT NARRATOR In Danny's apartment, the dogs lie on the rug while Alejandro takes Jane's pulse as they drink wine. 52.
JANE Give it to me straight, Doc. I can handle it. ALEJANDRO I'm afraid... You're in excellent health. JANE Well, let's do something about that. Cheers. ALEJANDRO Ah. Antioxidants. In moderation, very healthy. JANE We'll have to keep going then. SOUND: Wine glasses clinking. ALEJANDRO So enough about my boring old... cardiovascular surgery experience. What do you do? JANE Well, doctor, I... Am... An author. ALEJANDRO Now that is impressive. I could never write a book. JANE Oh... I'm pretty sure you could. (then) Yeah, so that's me. Let's talk more about you- ALEJANDRO What do you write about? JANE (thinks) Human interaction. ALEJANDRO Like sociology? JANE Sure. That. That's what I write about. 53.
ALEJANDRO (recognizing) Wait a second... "The One". That's you! JANE That's me. That's me. So... ALEJANDRO I haven't read it. JANE Thank god. I mean... Oh. Okay. ALEJANDRO But it's huge, right? That must be how you can afford this place. It's even bigger than mine. JANE Right. Well... I don't like to talk about money or... SOUND: The front door opens. DANNY Daddy's home! JANE That. DANNY Hey guys! JANE He's my roommate. DANNY Roommate? JANE (don't sell me out) Yes. My roommate. Who I have to go have the quickest of chats with.
NT. DANNY’S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS NARRATOR Jane hurries Danny into his bedroom. JANE You’re supposed to be gone! 54.
DANNY We played at home tonight. You think I let Macho Man Randy Savage hang out by himself while I’m on the road? JANE (thinks) Camille set this up. Damnit. (then) Is that a sex swing in the corner? DANNY (proud) Yeah. (then) It’s fun. You should try it with what’s his name. JANE I wouldn’t even sit in it clothed for fear I might get some sort of jean eating super HIV. Which I probably already got from you. DANNY Relax. I have the team trainer test me after every partner. JANE That’s disgusting. (then) Actually, that’s very responsible. But also kind of disgusting. How do you afford all this?! DANNY You really know nothing about pro baseball do you? JANE No! It’s stupid! Why would I? Wait... Are you rich? DANNY Define rich. JANE Do you have one million dollars? DANNY (laughs) Uh, yeah. JANE Two million? 55.
DANNY Yep. JANE Get the fuck- Five? DANNY Yeah. JANE You hit a ball with a stick! DANNY In front of 40,000 people a night and millions on tv. JANE Okay... Seriously... Do you have ten million dollars? SOUND: Danny chuckles. JANE That’s a yes! Fuck! DANNY A lot of people are into baseball. Like your book. JANE My book helps people. DANNY But you said it’s bullshit. JANE That’s besides the point. DANNY Why are we arguing right now? You should get back to your date. I got news for you though, I think he’s gay. JANE It’s not a date. And he’s not gay. DANNY I’m a professional athlete and he’s in better shape than me. JANE People work out! 56.
DANNY And gay people work out a lot. I mean, he is super handsome. JANE I can’t get a handsome guy? DANNY I meant he’s extra gay handsome. And you can get this handsome guy right here anytime you want. JANE Swing in your swing, pervert.
INT. DANNY’S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT NARRATOR Jane returns and tops off the wine glasses. ALEJANDRO Is everything alright? JANE Oh, sure. We just had to iron something out really quickly. ALEJANDRO "Iron something out." Gotcha. JANE Let's discuss more about you being a super successful doctor. NARRATOR Danny appears with an empty glass and pours himself wine. DANNY You’re a doctor? What an impressive job. JANE Danny. Don’t you have to pack for your trip? ALEJANDRO Trip? 57.
JANE Yes. He's taking a trip. Far away. So he needs to pack in his bedroom and go to sleep early and leave us alone. DANNY Meh. Packing's boring. I’d rather open up a suitcase... of conversation. Let me ask you, Alejandro is it? Do you work out? I mean, obviously you do, look at those arms, even through a dress shirt. ALEJANDRO Thanks. I must admit, I have them tailored for a tighter fit. DANNY Tailored, huh? Interesting. JANE Many men are into making themselves look nice, Danny. Just because you consider basketball shorts formal attire... ALEJANDRO Well, you need room for those thighs. Someone’s not skipping leg day. DANNY Really? You think they're starting to get some definition? ALEJANDRO Definitely definition. (then) So did you win tonight? I was planning on watching but I ran into the loveliness that is Jane. JANE Big sports fan, Alejandro? ALEJANDRO Huge. Played baseball growing up. Shortstop. Middle linebacker on the football team. I really miss it sometimes. JANE How masculine of you. 58.
DANNY We did win. Thank you for asking. That’s very polite and courteous of you. Say... Why don’t you take off that tight shirt and relax? JANE What? ALEJANDRO Sounds good to me. Ah... So freeing. DANNY Wow. Look at those abs. I mean, I’m a pro athlete... JANE Psh. Baseball. You’ve probably never even jumped. DANNY ... But those are so cut. Way nicer than mine. I think but maybe we should compare. JANE Danny no one wants to- ALEJANDRO Shhh.... DANNY Yep. Look at that. Your abs "ab"solutely beat my abs. JANE Cheater. ALEJANDRO What? JANE (covering) You are a cheater, Alejandro At, um getting with the ladies with those things. ALEJANDRO They do seem to enjoy them. JANE I knew it! 59.
ALEJANDRO Knew what? DANNY Uhhh... Come here! NARRATOR Danny full on kisses Alejandro. SOUND: Danny kissing ALEJANDRO. JANE You can't kiss him! Oh, he's into it. That's- That's pretty nice actually. Never mind. I'm just gonna have some wine and you guys do your thing. SOUND: Danny breaks away from the kiss. DANNY I win! ALEJANDRO You certainly do. DANNY Oh, and that's your hand on my crotch. I'm sorry, Alejandro. I’m actually not gay. I just knew you were and Jane wouldn’t listen. Although that wasn't bad. You’re a great kisser. ALEJANDRO Thanks. And I’m actually bi. JANE Ohhhhh! DANNY Interesting. ALEJANDRO Yeah. I've seen you around the building, Danny. The story you guys were making up about him coming home unexpectedly.... I thought this was a... We were gonna all sex each other kind of situation. DANNY Huh. Put your hand back on my crotch? 60.
(decides he can't) Yeah... I just can’t get there. Sorry. ALEJANDRO I hear you. Jane? Maybe we can go back to my place? DANNY What do you say, Jane? JANE (thinks) I’d love to but I think I’m gonna sit tonight out in the sex department. ALEJANDRO Fair enough. Well... I have my shirt off and no one to have sex with so I think I’m gonna take Henry upstairs and call it a night. DANNY Sorry, we couldn’t make it happen. ALEJANDRO Just um, hit me a homer when you get a chance. JANE It might be a while. DANNY Not funny. ALEJANDRO Goodnight, everyone. Come on, Henry. SOUND: Alejandro's dog getting up and joining him. DANNY (to Jane) So, Jane, you want the bedroom or is the swing gonna freak you out? ALEJANDRO (as he leaves) Wait, you mean you two aren’t... a two? JANE Oh no. 61.
DANNY Yeah, she’s not interested. ALEJANDRO Huh... You should be. He seems like a good one. SOUND: Front door opening and closing. JANE That’s not like a thing just cause he says it is. DANNY I didn’t say anything.
INT. DANNY’S BEDROOM - NIGHT NARRATOR In the dark, Jane and Danny lay on opposite sides of the bed. JANE Do you let him sleep on the bed? DANNY If he wants. JANE Macho Man Randy Savage? Come here boy. SOUND: Pitter patter of dog feet enter the room. Jumping, then swinging from the corner of the room. JANE Did he just jump in the sex swing? DANNY Yeah. He likes the motion. Helps him fall asleep. (then) So where to next? JANE St. Louis. SOUND: Danny laughs. JANE You’re kidding me... 62.
EXT. ST. LOUIS STADIUM - DAY TICKET SCALPER Who needs tickets?! St. Louis and Cincinnati! Who needs tickets?! JANE Fuck you, fate. TICKET SCALPER Excuse me?! JANE No. Sorry! Not for you! Just cursing the cosmos!
INT. ST. LOUIS BOOKSTORE - DAY NARRATOR In a huge bookstore, wall to wall fans in "The One" merchandise go crazy as an MC riles them up. M.C. Here she is, ladies! Make some no- oise for Jane Willis! Here to announce her new book coming this fall "The Two"! JANE What? What?! NARRATOR Men in "The Two" tank tops fire "The Two" t-shirts into the crowd.
INT. BOOKSTORE BATHROOM - DAY (Note: Camille is on the phone.) NARRATOR In a bathroom stall, Jane holds a prototype of the book "The Two". JANE "The Two"? What the fuck am I holding, Camille?! CAMILLE It’s a prototype for the teaser of the launch of "The Two"? 63.
JANE Prototype of the teaser of the- ? I haven’t written anything yet! How can you tease a book that doesn't exist? CAMILLE Anything is possible if you visualize it. So I did. You're holding it. JANE (re: book) Holding what? It’s half the size of my actual book that I barely wrote. CAMILLE It’s more mobile. JANE All books are mobile! (then) All the text says is blah blah blah over and over. CAMILLE Calm down. It's just a prop for now. You'll fill it with real words or whatever. JANE The font is gigantic! And it’s half pictures of candles and scrolls and shit! CAMILLE It’s beautified. We also included pages after each chapter for readers to journal. JANE That's just blank pages! CAMILLE No, they’re an opportunity for people to write their own journey. JANE I'm holding a book I haven't written about things that haven't happened that's filled with filler to fill something that isn't even book sized! 64.
CAMILLE Jane. Calm down, alright. Breathe. Drew Barrymore. Drew Barrymore. JANE Don't you use Drew's name in vain! CAMILLE Look, there’s no pressure. Nooo pressure. Seriously. We don’t even have to do the second book. Nothing comes before your well being. JANE (relieved) Thank you. CAMILLE But, if you decide to fall in love and want to do the book, sign the contract I just emailed you and the half a million in your bank account is officially yours. Your choice though. See? No pressure.
INT. ST. LOUIS HOTEL ROOM - DAY NARRATOR In her hotel room... JANE "Upon deciding to fall in love and committing the story to a second book, Jane Willis is to be paid an additional $500,000." So it's Indecent Proposal. One million dollars to fuck my soul. NARRATOR Jane looks out the window at the baseball stadium. JANE Sports. I’ll get my mind of things by watching some sports. And drinking from the mini-bar. NARRATOR Later, Jane is a little buzzed... SOUND: Baseball game on tv. 65.
ANNOUNCER And now Danny Freeman comes up. Freeman in a bit of a slump lately. JANE Danny! You’re on tv! SOUND: Danny's music "Pony" by Ginuwine. JANE Wait, you get to pick music to play your baseball hitting to? Oh shit... (grabs phone) “What is this song?” SOUND: Music stops. JANE What? Why’d you stop? Hit your baseballs to the music. (then) Oh wow. That is quite the bulge. Buddy, I know for a fact it is not that big. And you are just grabbing away. Doing some real redecorating down there. Dude, you’re tying it in a knot! You’re like a drunk sorority girl with a cherry stem! ANNOUNCER And the pitch... JANE Holy shit, that is fast. A hundred miles per hour?! No wonder you got a little castle protecting your business. Surprised there isn’t a bulge in the back of your pants now. ANNOUNCER Pitch two... And a base hit for Freeman into center field. JANE You did it! That’s good, right? You’re on the little white- Base! Yeah, okay you’re high fiving the old guy. Coach. And right back to yanking on your bulge. You have got to figure out your situation in private next time. You grab your bulge. I'm grabbing a beer. 66.
NARRATOR Later... ANNOUNCER Final score today, St. Louis 4, Cincinnati 3. JANE I did it. I watched an entire baseball game. And drank. A lot. Now what.... (then) Just call him, Jane.
INT. LOCKER ROOM - DAY SOUND: Locker room. Phone rings. DANNY You’re calling me. JANE Calm down. You’re the only person I know in this city. What are you up to? DANNY Lookin' at a bunch of dudes’ dicks. JANE Gross. What are you doing after that? DANNY Was gonna head back to my hotel for a slap n’ nap then I had this thing. JANE Slap n’ nap? DANNY Masturbation and then- JANE (you are ridiculous) A nap. I get it. (then) What’s the thing? DANNY Just a thing. Someone I’m gonna see for a bit. No big deal. 67.
JANE Oh. Someone you’re gonna see. In St. Louis. Where you don’t live. DANNY Yeah. (then) You wanna come? JANE You’re not having sex with a groupie are you? DANNY No. Why would I slap n’ nap before- JANE Just a “no” would work. DANNY No. It’s pretty much the exact opposite of that. JANE What’s the exact opposite of sex with a groupie?
INT. ST. LOUIS CHILDREN’S HOSPITAL - NIGHT NARRATOR Outside a Hospital's Pediatric Oncology Wing, Jane is frozen while Danny carries pizzas and some ice cream. JANE Come on, Danny. You don’t need to try this hard. Child cancer ward? We can just go to dinner or something. DANNY I’ve been here a million times. I used to play for St. Louis. I always come when I’m in town. JANE You really expect me to believe- NURSE PAULA Danny! So good to see you! DANNY Nurse Paula! You too. This is Jane. 68.
JANE Hi. I’m a terrible person. DANNY She’s kidding. She’s quite nice. Once you get passed some things. NURSE PAULA Nice to meet you. I’ll see you inside. DANNY Ready? JANE What do I say? How do I talk to them? I’m bad with children and presumably worse with... dying ones. DANNY Okay, don’t say the "d" word. JANE But are they? Are they gonna, ya know... Not be on Earth soon? DANNY Some of them. Maybe. But they’re amazing. You’ll see. Take my hand. SOUND: Door opening and Kid sounds washing over us. TWENTY FIVE KIDS Danny! DANNY What up! ONE KID (re: Jane) Who’s that? DANNY This is my friend, Jane. TWENTY FIVE KIDS Ooooooooh! SOUND: Kids playing giving way to, 69.
NARRATOR Danny and Jane hang with a particular girl Melody (10, scarf on her head). DANNY Tell her what I said the first time I visited. MELODY You promised to hit me a home run. JANE And he did? MELODY No. He fuckin’ struck out four times. DANNY I was trying too hard. My manager was pissed! MELODY So the next time he just brought presents and puppies to play with. Bribery. DANNY That’s when I got Macho Man Randy Savage. (to Melody) How you feelin’? MELODY Like shit. I got cancer. JANE Is there anything we can do? MELODY Can you cure cancer? JANE No. MELODY Then I’ll take a slice of pizza. DANNY Who’s that new boy over there? MELODY Steven. Been here a few days. I’m gonna make him my boyfriend. 70.
He’s all sad right now. But I’m gonna change that. I’m gonna take him away from all this. DANNY You know, Mel, my hair is gettin’ kinda long. What do you think? MELODY Yeah. Plus it’ll help you do the you know what with you know who here. JANE Excuse me? What you know what? MELODY Sex. Duh. JANE Melody. DANNY Haha. Too late. (then) Hey, Steven! NARRATOR Moments later, Danny has a towel around his neck as the boy, Steven holds hair clippers. DANNY Now, you sure you’re a professional? STEVEN (laughs) No. DANNY Well, I guess you gotta start somewhere. Alright, guys. TWENTY FIVE KIDS Three, two, one... SOUND: Clippers come on and cut a stripe of hair. TWENTY FIVE KIDS Yay! 71.
STEVEN (laughs) Right down the middle. DANNY What do you think Jane? Am I sexy? JANE The sexiest. DANNY How’s it look, Steven? STEVEN (laughs) It looks stupid.
EXT. ST. LOUIS - NIGHT NARRATOR Jane and Danny with his freshly buzzed hair walk down the St. Louis river front. JANE It looks good. Very Natalie Portman in V for Vendetta. (then) You used to be a big deal, huh? DANNY Kinda. Before I tore up my knee. Why I know the kids so well. Was rehabbing in the hospital. But then St. Louis released me. How I ended up in Cincy. Well, Detroit, Pittsburgh then Cincy. JANE So you got broken up with too, huh? DANNY Pretty much. But ya' know... You see those kids. Melody... She’s been in and out of there since she was a baby. Hard to take your bullshit seriously next to that. Speaking of bullshit, who is this guy by the way? Your ex? Who breaks up with you? You’re awesome. JANE Thanks. He didn’t seem to think so. 72.
DANNY Then he’s a fucking idiot. JANE You’re sweet. DANNY No, I mean really. You’re smart. Pretty. Funny. If, maybe at my expense some times. JANE I was bitchy to you at first. DANNY Lightly bitchtastic. JANE I didn’t know you were Mr. “Oh I Hang Out With Kids With Cancer No Big Deal”! DANNY (chuckles, then) I bet he’s kicking himself. Seeing how successful you are. JANE I’m successful the way the inventor of Crocs is successful. DANNY Hey, I love Crocs. But then again, I have to wear something on my feet to shower around 24 disgusting men. (then) So that's where the book came from? Your ex? JANE I was normal, I swear. I worked in an office and I was into inspirational quotes and yoga but I was normal. DANNY Suuuure. JANE After the breakup, I got really into astrology. I saw a psychic. I started smoking weed again. And one night I’d had a bottle of wine... 73.
And just puked out this Jerry Maguire style mission statement about love on my blog. I forgot about it for two weeks and then it got tweeted to me. With 126 thousand likes. DANNY Damn. And it was just... “I’m in love cause I say I am.” JANE So stupid. But this publisher emailed me and they gave me money and it was better than working in an office. But the book was this souped up version of what I said which was stupid to begin with and anyway... here we are. I get up in front of these women and I act like I know what I’m talking about and I am so full of shit I’m surprised it doesn’t come out of my ears when they hug me. DANNY I got thrown into my job too. Started playing baseball when I was nine. It was fun. And I was good at it. Like, really good. Better than anyone in my town. And the county. And Kansas. Pro scouts started showing up when I was 14. Got drafted when I was 17. Then wasn’t long before I was this guy, this adult man who had picked his job when he was still wetting the bed. JANE But you like it? DANNY Some times. The actual playing the game is cool. Kid fans are fun. But the adults... Everyone talks about winning so much. And the money. Which I haven’t really found anything to do with. JANE Except buy a sex swing. 74.
DANNY It was actually on sale. You should’ve seen the other items Amazon recommended. Got weird real quick. (then) Forget the book. You are special. I mean, why else would I made sure we kept bumping into each other? JANE What? You did put your room across from mine! DANNY Maybe. JANE You knew Camille didn’t tell me you’d be at your place! DANNY That was you just being naive. SOUND: Jane laughs. DANNY I know words like naive, Jane. JANE Was it cause people kept saying it to you? DANNY No comment. JANE (then) I’m not mad. I’m kinda flattered. And I told you fate was bullsh- DANNY Come here. SOUND: Danny kisses her. DANNY That’s not bullshit. JANE (wooed) No, it is not. 75.
INT. ST. LOUIS HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT NARRATOR Back in Jane's hotel room, she and Danny are in bed. Afterwards. JANE I, uh... I’ve never done that before. You did that one maneuver and... DANNY Yeah, I make my living off hand-eye coordination so... (then) And you’re sure- JANE It’s not pee. Yes. DANNY Then what is it? JANE I don’t know, okay. I’ll go on webMD later. DANNY Just- Just wasn’t prepared. JANE I’ve literally eaten your jizz. DANNY I’ll shut up. (then) Can I hold your hand? JANE Yes. SOUND: He holds her hand. DANNY I feel like we’re talking with our minds. JANE That’s called “the moment”. DANNY It’s nice. 76.
JANE You’re ruining it. (then) You’re trying to talk to me with your mind aren’t you? DANNY (beat, he was) No. SOUND: Music. PILOT Now beginning our descent into Denver International Airport...
INT. DENVER BOOK STORE - DAY SOUND: Crowded bookstore signing. NARRATOR At another crowded bookstore signing, Jane is beaming. JANE Here you go! Thank you! (then) Hi, how are you? JULIANNE (desperation) Oh my god! Oh my god! I'm so excited to meet you! And I'm so excited for "The Two"! Your book has changed my life! JANE Well, I'm so glad. And I'm excited to meet you too! JULIANNE So you've found someone then? JANE Ya know... I'm happy to say I have. JULIANNE That is... To see what you've been through and for you to be so strong is such an inspiration. Truly. Ugh. I tell myself every day. "Julianne, be more like Jane damnit." 77.
JANE Oh, well, don't be hard on yourself, Julianne. JULIANNE See. That right there. "Don't be hard on yourself." That's just what I needed to hear. You are great. JANE You're great. "To Julianne. Always believe in you. I certainly do. Your friend, Jane." A fellow "J" just like me. Here you go. SOUND: Julianne bursts into tears. JANE Oh... Oh, it's okay. Can we- Does anyone have a tissue? NARRATOR Later, at the Q&A... JANE (actually in her element) I think it's about centering. Who am I? Let me start there. But to answer your question... I think you are enough. Inside you is a different you. And that you can get you to the "you" you want to be. And that you will make good choices in love. Make sense? SOUND: Crowd agrees and CLAPS. JANE Okay... Who's next? If you just wanna pass the mic. SKEPTICAL WOMAN Um, hi. And thanks for, um, for being here. Um, I don't know, maybe I mean, I read your book. And then I read it again and I guess... And sorry if this comes off wrong. But don't you find the idea of "the one" a little silly much less "being your own the one"? SOUND: Murmuring crowd disagreeing. 78.
JANE No, no. That's valid. I have to tell you... I used to be just like you. Questioning love and... It all. But what I found in writing the book is that it taught me what I thought I was trying to teach other people. I'm happy to say, that I recently met someone and they're great. SOUND: The audience claps. Loves it. SKEPTICAL WOMAN Okay. And I'm so happy for you. But isn't that just meeting someone? Isn't that just something that happens? I mean, what actually is this book telling us to do in simple terms in order to find love? JANE Well, um... JULIANNE (protective) Are you here to fall in love or not?! It's saying "Be your own one and you'll find the one." SOUND: "Yeah!", "That's right!", clapping, getting louder. AUDIENCE Yeah./That's right. SKEPTICAL WOMAN But what does that mean? SOUND: Boos. "Sit down!" JANE Now, now... Let's, uh, let's be nice. We're all sisters here.
INT. DENVER HOTEL ROOM - DAY NARRATOR Back at her Denver hotel room... JANE I really should've made sure they were paying for my mini-bar charges. 79.
SOUND: Mini-bar opening. Jane's phone gets a text. JANE "Turn on ESPN right now." SOUND: The TV turns on. A baseball game and Ginuwine's "Pony" plays. NARRATOR On tv, Danny dances suggestively to his walk up music. JANE Danny... Oh my god. You are an idiot. ANNOUNCER Danny Freeman is certainly enjoying his walk up to the plate. ANNOUNCER #2 I think he's dancing or at least... Thrusting? JANE There are kids in the crowd! SOUND: Another text. JANE What? How are you texting-? (then, quiets) Oh fuck. SOUND: The tv goes mute. Jane heavy breathing. JANE Fuck.
INT. AIRPORT CHILI'S - DAY NARRATOR A ball of nerves, Jane rolls her suitcase through the Denver airport to the Chili's Too. Sitting there is Todd, her ex. The moment she's thought she wanted is here. JANE Hey. TODD (vulnerable) Hey. (then) You look incredible. 80.
JANE Thanks. SOUND: Music. NARRATOR Todd pulls out her chair, fumbling to show some humility. And then, a scene we've all lived. Talk of "I'm sorry", "I was in a weird place", and other mumblings of contrition. Todd seems to get it now. Jane thaws. He reaches his hand across the table. (then) She takes it. She's happy. But she knows what this means for Danny.
INT. LOCKER ROOM - DAY SOUND: Locker room banter and music. NARRATOR After the game, Danny dances through the locker room in only a jock strap. DANNY Dancin' Danny coming through! Aw shit! TEAMMATE Danny! Your phone! SOUND: A ringing cell phone being handed to Danny. DANNY Oh! Gotta take a time out! The lady is callin'! SOUND: Danny enters a training room and closes the door. DANNY What's up sexy gorgeous lady? (then) That's okay. Good news or- (then) That's- That's not good news. (then) Can we just talk- SOUND: Danny's voice fades. It's over. PILOT Welcome to Phoenix ladies and gentleman... 81.
INT. PHOENIX HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT NARRATOR In her Phoenix hotel room, Jane skypes with Todd. JANE I'm almost done. Las Vegas next, but that's not for four days so I guess I'm gonna see the wonders that Phoenix has to offer. TODD You should check out the Hyatt by the airport. The conference room is quite majestic. JANE Yeah? I've been to all these cities but they all look the same as far as I know. Hotel rooms and bookstores. Except for, well, nevermind. TODD Why don't you fly back to LA for the break? We can spend time together. JANE Yeah? Okay. That would be nice. SOUND: On tv, a baseball game. TODD Is that a baseball game? You watch baseball now? JANE Yeah. I guess I do. TODD Well, I guess I have to get used to the new you. ANNOUNCER Danny Freeman will be out of the lineup for Cincinnati tonight. ANNOUNCER #2 Yeah, wanna say our thoughts go out to him. His mother suffering a heart attack late last night. 82.
JANE (suddenly serious) I have to call you back. SOUND: The call ends. The tv volume jumps up. ANNOUNCER We don't have any further details for the moment but really feeling for Danny. Just a great guy. Always with a smile.
INT. SALINA, KANSAS - DAY SOUND: Car driving. NARRATOR A rental car drives past a sign reading "Welcome to Salina, Kansas. Home of Danny Freeman."
EXT. KANSAS FARM - DAY SOUND: A car on gravel driveway comes to a stop. NARRATOR Jane gets out of her rental in the driveway of Danny's childhood home. Danny sits on the edge of the porch watching the sun set over infinite corn fields. DANNY Jane... You’re in Kansas. JANE I’m in Kansas. How is- DANNY Fine. It was scary for a bit. But fine. She’s gonna be fine. JANE I’m so happy to hear that. How are you? DANNY I’m kinda numb. To think that she could’ve... JANE But she’s okay. 83.
DANNY She’s okay. You’re right. (then) It's good to see you. Sit. Sit. JANE It's good to see you, too. NARRATOR Jane sits next to Danny on the porch. DANNY She used to pitch me batting practice out here. I’d get home from school and Dad was at work so while the sun was still out... JANE That’s a great Mom. DANNY Yeah. (then) She couldn’t pitch for shit. (chuckles) I was like nine and it was hard cause I had to be reaaal patient. And you know... JANE You were nine. DANNY Yeah. Just a kid. Just wanted to hit. But it made me focus. Develop a good eye. Wait for a good one. You see that window on that garage way out there? Mom threw a good one and I just whacked it. We looked at each other and we both knew there was something to me... JANE Hittin’ a ball with a stick. DANNY Yep. Next day, I got home from school and went in the house to see if she would pitch to me but she wasn’t there. She was out back practicing. JANE (touched) She got better for you. 84.
DANNY No. She always sucked. SOUND: They both laugh. DANNY She was horrendous. Always. She would hit me constantly. But she threw like a mom so it didn’t hurt. Was kind of funny. JANE Your mom beating you with baseballs. DANNY I’d have bruises at school. JANE Good thing it was the 90’s. DANNY For real. SOUND: They're cracking up now. DANNY Thanks for coming. JANE Of course. I was kinda getting sick of hotel rooms again. DANNY (beat) You know, I gotta tell you something. In Atlanta, when I had the room across from you... JANE I know, Danny. You picked the room. DANNY No... Not that part. I wasn’t in town for work. We had an off day in Tampa. I flew in just for you. And reading your book didn’t make me think about things. You did. I dunno... I thought maybe I saw the right pitch finally. But, I’m glad you found yours. SOUND: Another car pulls into the gravel driveway. Danny's Mom and Dad get out. We hear Danny head down to meet them. 85.
NARRATOR As Danny heads down to meet his parents, Jane is left on the porch by herself.
INT. LOS ANGELES RESTAURANT - NIGHT NARRATOR In a nice but boring L.A. restaurant, Jane and Todd have dinner. A polished couple among other polished couples. JANE It’s so quiet. TODD (kidding) Would you like me to tell a joke? JANE (sincere) Yeah. TODD (chuckles) That's funny. JANE What is? TODD What? JANE Never mind. (then) What if I just farted really loudly? Just let the biggest one ever fly? TODD I don't understand. JANE I was kidding. There's nothing to understand. TODD Oh. Cool. SOUND: Restaurant murmurs and sounds. 86.
JANE (not a good thing) Jesus... This is all perfect. TODD It is. JANE And there's nothing interesting about that. TODD I'm not following. JANE Say or do one thing I wouldn’t expect. TODD Jane, c’mon, we’re having a nice dinner. Let’s not fight. JANE I’m not trying to fight. I'm trying to... live, I guess. TODD Is this a book thing? Some mumbo jumbo you're trying out on me? JANE (beat) When you dumped me, you said we didn't fit. This is what you meant. This perfect puzzle. I wasn't the right piece. TODD But you are now. JANE See... But I'm not. I don't want to be a piece in a perfect puzzle. I don't want a perfect puzzle at all. TODD Come on... We could be such a power couple. Jay Z and Beyonce. JANE Wow... You know... I thought you were such a dick for breaking up with me. But you're no villain. 87.
You're just... a Todd. Goodbye, Todd. NARRATOR Jane gets up and walks away. TODD What-? Where are you going? NARRATOR Jane returns. JANE This salmon is incredible. I can't waste it. Sorry. Goodbye again. (then, to Waiter from a distance) Excuse me, can I get a to-go box?! Thanks so much! SOUND: Music. PILOT Welcome to Las Vegas, Nevada everyone. Try not to die.
EXT. VEGAS HOTEL - DAY CONVENTION HOST Ladies and gentleman, welcome to the 7th annual World Empowerment Convention and Showcase! Thousands of you have gathered right here in Las Vegas to get in touch with your humanity and build a sense of inner peace! Alright! If you look inside your programs you'll see a ticket to the all you can eat seafood buffet - excludes lobster tails - and twenty five dollars in gaming chips! Empowerment! Yeah! JANE Fuck. Me. NARRATOR A just married and beaming Bride and Groom see Jane. BRIDE Oh my god! Jane Willis! The one! 88.
JANE Yeah, yeah. Thanks. Should I sign something or...? BRIDE This is you! Our wedding! She read your book! BRIDE I read your book! And it really helped me! JANE (in disbelief) What? How? BRIDE I dunno... It just... I needed something in my life. Something to shake me up. Tell me to get back out there and keep trying. And I did! I met Kevin in a grocery store. GROOM We had the same cart pattern. BRIDE I decided to go up to him in frozen foods cause I’d read your book! GROOM And now we’re married! JANE How long have you even been together? BRIDE Six weeks. But when you know, you know, right? GROOM She’s the one. BRIDE And so is he! JANE (bitter) I’m so fucking happy for you. NARRATOR Jane stops a waitress. 89.
JANE Excuse me. Can I get one of those free drinks I’ve always heard about? WAITRESS Are you playing the slots? JANE And be one of these idiots who sticks their finger in an electrical socket hoping money falls out of their ass? Uh, no. NARRATOR The waitress walks away. JANE Can't even get a free drink.
INT. AUDITORIUM - DAY CROWD OF 1,500 We want Jane! We want Jane! NARRATOR In a hotel amphitheater, fifteen hundred fans await Jane. Backstage, Camille lint rolls Jane. JANE Since when did book signings become this? Whatever this is? How many people are out there? CAMILLE A few hundred. Like fifteen. Hundred. JANE Fifteen hundred! Who am I the band "Train"? And I'm supposed to just read to them? CAMILLE Don't worry! I've loaded a speech on the teleprompter. JANE Speech? CAMILLE More of a talk. 90.
NARRATOR Camille puts a TED talk style microphone on Jane then wraps her hand around it. CAMILLE Shhh. Shhh. Shhh. Hot mic the second I uncover this. Now, I didn't want to tell you this because my first thought was it would make you super nervous. But Drew Barrymore's people have reached out and this is your audition for an ongoing segment on her show. Now, I can see from your eyes bulging and instantaneous sweating that my second thought, that you would be very excited and use it as motivation and not be furious at me for telling you last minute, was correct. So, get out there and have fun! SOUND: Applause. Whistling. Then quiet. JANE Today, I want to talk to you about love. The most incredible feeling we can have in life. We want it from the moment we are born. Our hearts fill, and once we have that taste, it's all we can think about for the rest of our lives. And that's why I wanted to give it to you today. Because I love you. Even though you are strangers, I have love for you. Why? Because I was just like you. Until one day I had an epiphany and discovered the eternal secret that had eluded mankind for so long... (then, gives up) I can't do this anymore. The truth is, there isn’t a “one”. Some perfect person out there ready made for you. That’s a fantasy. There are many wonderful people out there. Genuine. Thoughtful. Looking for connection. But also themselves. And they may not have found that either. And that might come across as them being annoying. Or weird. Or a douche bag. 91.
And it's hard because there are actual douche bags. And weirdos. And assholes who will get in the way. And hand out pain. But you simply need to keep searching. I thought my boyfriend breaking up with me was the worst thing that ever happened to me. Because it was, at the time. But without that, I wouldn’t have written my blog and this book wouldn’t have happened. And I wouldn’t have met so many... (searches for a nice word) Interesting people. And one in particular. That I hurt. Because I was an asshole because I hadn’t found myself yet. But I think have now. And all of this has made me realize that what I felt when I wrote my blog is true. Love is amazing and real and it’s out there and you can go find it if you just keep trying, even if you look like a fool. But you can’t wait on the universe or a book to hand you love or anything else. You have to make it happen. And when it happens, you need to hold on to it. SOUND: Jane's speech going over great. JANE This book is bullshit. There’s no secret to finding love. You live, and you love, and you get hurt, and you learn. And you keep going. Until you find the right pitch to hit. And then you swing. You can’t buy that for $24.95. You got to earn it. If this book made you feel better, great. But if you did anything because of it, that was all you. If a crystal or a book makes you get back out there and try again, great. But it’s still just you. Excuse me... NARRATOR Jane takes off her TED talk style mic and drops it. But it's still attached to her body so she starts dragging it through the audience where Camille is in the aisle to intercept her. 92.
CAMILLE What do you think you’re doing?! You’ll never be on Drew Barrymore! JANE I don’t deserve to be! Drew actually empowers women! Or maybe she doesn't really but she definitely cares and is supportive! CAMILLE What about my half a million dollars? JANE I’m giving it back. I'm not writing "The Two". There are more important things than money. Like love. CAMILLE That's why we're doing this! To sell them love! NARRATOR Jane untangles herself from the mic and shoves it in Camille's chest. JANE (over speakers) Love isn't ours to sell. This is over. CAMILLE (over speakers) Nothing is over till I say it is, Jane! Now get back here and sell this fucking bullshit! SOUND: The crowd gasps. They all heard that. CAMILLE (into mic) Hot mic. Right. Well, Ladies... Let’s summon a new spiritual path from within... SOUND: Boos and assorted cursing like "Fuck you!", "Fuck off!" and even a "Fuck Australia!".
INT. CINCINNATI STADIUM - NIGHT SOUND: Baseball game. 93.
NARRATOR In Cincinnati's baseball stadium, Jane runs out of a tunnel and tries to head straight down some stairs to the home team dugout. FEMALE SECURITY GUARD Excuse me, do you have a lower level pass? JANE You don’t understand. I came here all the way from Las Vegas so I could talk to one of the players. FEMALE SECURITY GUARD Oh no. You’re on some astronaut lady driving cross the country in a diaper business aren’t you? JANE No, I flew! Danny Freeman. I broke his heart. And now I want to unbreak it. Can you text him and say it's okay? FEMALE SECURITY GUARD No, but I can walkie talkie the police. JANE I’d prefer my idea. SOUND: Ginuwine's "Pony" starts. JANE That’s his music! FEMALE SECURITY GUARD That doesn’t change anything! P.A. ANNOUNCER Now batting, number 19, Danny Freeman. JANE Danny! DANNY Jane?! JANE (to Female Security Guard) See?! 94.
DANNY It's okay! She can come down! FEMALE SECURITY GUARD Why do I even stand here? Dude wants to get stabbed or tasered or astronaut shit thrown in is his face, go right ahead. SOUND: Jane running down the steps. DANNY What are you doing here? JANE I'm here for you. DANNY Yeah, I got that part. JANE I’m sorry I’ve been an asshole to you. It's cause I thought you were a douche bag. I mean, you really seemed like a total- DANNY I get that part, too. JANE But you’re not. You’re just simple. DANNY Um- JANE No! I mean in the best way. You see the ball and you just hit it. You liked me and you just told me. And saw who I really was. Before I even did. And you listen and you care and you're nice. I know this sounds fucked up but I’m glad I got the chance to sleep with Todd again. DANNY You’re really bad at apologizing. JANE I know. I’m a mess. But if I hadn’t been with him again, maybe I would’ve always wondered if there was something there. If that’s who I wanted to be. But it’s not. 95.
He fucking sucks. He broke my heart. I mean, who gets their heart broken by a “Todd”? And I was a bitch to you. Not bitchtastic. A bitch. But I realize that. And I want to make it right. And... Look, dude, I have your schedule. I will show up to every game like a crazy diaper wearing astronaut lady until you tell me I don’t have any chance. So, if that’s the case now, just let me know. DANNY (thinks) It’s cool. I wanna be with you. JANE Really? That’s it? DANNY Yeah. It makes sense. You fucked up. And you figured it out. And you apologized. And I believe you. So... We’re good again. JANE I love you. DANNY I love you too. Kiss me through the foul ball net? SOUND: Them kissing. Clapping around them. RANDOM SPECTATOR Hey the woman from that video’s getting engaged! JANE What? RANDOM SPECTATOR Look! You have half a million views! JANE ON VIDEO Love isn't ours to sell! JANE Fuck. I did it again. No, no! We’re not engaged! 96.
DANNY Yeah. She’s just apologizing for being an idiot. But I’m an idiot too. P.A. ANNOUNCER Um, still batting... Danny Freeman. DANNY I gotta go to work. JANE Hit me a home run! NARRATOR Danny walks up to the plate. A perfect pitch comes. He pops it up. It's caught for an out. Danny jogs back to the dugout. DANNY Fuck! Sorry! And I have to keep playing! JANE How long?! DANNY Four innings! JANE I don’t know what an inning is! How much time is that?! DANNY There’s no time limit! JANE That’s stupid! People have lives! DANNY I’ll text you when we’re done! JANE Okay! I’m gonna go to the concessions! I’m starving! Your bulge looks great! DANNY I’m going in the dugout now! NARRATOR Before he does, they share a smile. 97.
INT. BASEBALL STADIUM - DAY ANNOUNCER Welcome to Opening Day folks! A new season and new optimism for Cincinnati. ANNOUNCER #2 Gonna be a great year and it's a great day for baseball. Especially as it's take your dog to the ballpark day. NARRATOR Jane is in the stands with Danny's dog. JANE Hot dog right here! SOUND: Danny's dog whimpering. JANE Don’t you look at me like that, Macho Man Randy Savage. You don’t even know what’s in these things. They’re disgusting. HOT DOG VENDOR Gee, thanks lady. How many? SOUND: Danny's dog whimpering. JANE We'll take two please. NARRATOR Danny comes back with cotton candy. DANNY Just make it three. JANE He could get sick. DANNY I’ve seen him eat an entire pile of shit. He’ll be fine. HOT DOG VENDOR Three it is. And thank you for making me question my occupation. 98.
JANE You can keep the change. SOUND: Ballpark sounds. JANE My first real game. DANNY Mine too. Looks cool from up here. JANE I think I get baseball. It's nice. DANNY It is nice. JANE So what should we do with our lives? DANNY Let's have a kid. JANE You mean me. I have a kid. DANNY Well technically yes. JANE Technically? Um, that's a liberal use of that word. DANNY You don't think I'd be a great dad. JANE You'd actually be a fantastic dad. Can we shove the baby up your ass for 9 months though? SOUND: Their banter fades to outro music. THE END