THE ONE (Audio Only Version) by Adam Zopf INT. DRUG STORE - DAY NARRATOR In a drug store makeup aisle, Jane Willis (30's) applies and wipes off countless lipsticks. She notices a super together Kardashian type, Lila watching. JANE I know I shouldn't be doing this but... I am? I'm just trying to match the shade of this stupid Instagram influencer see... LILA That's my friend. JANE Oh! Love her! Style wise. I mean, her opinions on vaccinations are highly irresponsible but... yeah. She’s... great. (then) Oh my god! You're wearing the shade! Which is it? LILA It’s a blend. JANE A blend! Of course! Which two- LILA Four. JANE Four? LILA “Strawbury My Face In A Pillow”, “Lick My Rosebud”, “Double Peachetration”... JANE Not very subtle... LILA And “Fuck Me Hard Red”. JANE Wow. Just coming right out with it on that one, huh? (then) I don't see them here. 2. LILA Because this is a drug store. Why are you buying your makeup in a drug store? JANE (thinks) Cause Sephora doesn’t sell ZzzQuil? NARRATOR Lila looks Jane over. JANE Are you judging me? It’s okay. I know I’m not very- LILA I’m looking for positives to build on. (then) I like your boyfriend jeans. Where’d you get them? JANE They’re not “boyfriend” jeans. They’re just jeans. That belonged to a man. I used to know. And sleep with. LILA I’m sorry. Let me make you feel better. Here, use this. Age defying face cream. It's super basic but it works. You’ll love it. JANE That doesn’t really make me feel- It does? Wait, are you like my age...? LILA Um... No. I’m nineteen. I use it so I don’t have a problem later. But it could help you too. You know... Repair. JANE (ouch) Gotcha. (then) Can I ask... What exercise are girls doing for their asses to make them... that way? LILA Surgery. 3. NARRATOR Lila walks away, flaunting an impossible ass. JANE (to herself) Fuck. SOUND: Jane's cell phone rings. JANE Hello? CAMILLE (phone, Australian accent) NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER!!!! JANE FUCK! NARRATOR At the register, Jane buys two jars of face cream, gossip magazines, ice cream, tequila and... JANE I'm gonna need a carton of the most dangerous cigarettes you have. SOUND: Music. SOOTHING FEMALE VOICE Live... Love... Laugh... Learn... Learn to live. Love to laugh. Laugh to learn. Live to love. UPBEAT WOMAN Don’t frown, because then no one can fall in love with your smile! UPBEAT WOMAN #2 Give yourself the "present" of a new future. SOOTHING FEMALE VOICE How do you find “the one”? By becoming “the one”. How do you become "the one"? By receiving the prophecy of... (whispers) THE ONE.... 4. SOOTHING FEMALE VOICE Take it from this real life customer who is real. CAMILLE No one knows exactly how the prophecy of "the one" works. No one knows what’s in water or clouds. But it’s in there. And in the prophecy of "the one"? Love. Love’s in there. In this book, "The One" by Jane Willis, there is the answer to everything. Finally. NARRATOR In her office, Jane's book agent, Camille (Australian, 30's), presses pause. CAMILLE What do you think? You’re speechless. I know. It’s very powerful. JANE I’m sad inside. CAMILLE The breakup. Of course. JANE No. I mean, yes. The breakup but- This ad is sad. You can’t possibly plan to put this out into the world. CAMILLE Plan? No. It’s already playing in 11 cities. JANE What? CAMILLE We have to advertise your book tour. JANE Book tour?! CAMILLE Jane, your book is touching people in a way that’s truly special. And now you get to touch them back. 5. JANE I don’t want to touch the kind of people who would be touched by this book. CAMILLE Do you know how many copies we’ve sold so far? JANE Look, money isn’t the- CAMILLE You’re a millionaire. JANE (blurting, "no way") Fuck you. CAMILLE It’s true. Before our cut and production costs and taxes... For the moment... It’s made a million dollars. JANE Oh. So this isn’t that big of a deal then? CAMILLE Yet. We just shipped 50 times the copies and we are putting “The One” and your face everywhere. You are touring the 9th to 20th biggest markets in the United States. And if that goes well? You could be on the Drew Barrymore show. JANE (in awe) I love Drew Barrymore. CAMILLE I know you do. Everyone loves Drew Barrymore. She tells people to buy your book? These pages might as well be made of money. You could get your own talk show. Don’t you want your own talk show? You want your own talk show. 6. JANE (conflicted) I’m not a fan of traveling. I’ve seen the world on Instagram. I get it. This is all so overwhelming. Why the fuck did I blog after our break up? Why couldn’t I just eat ice cream and watch Gilmore Girls and drink Chardonnay intravenously like a normal person? CAMILLE You had a gift to give to the world. JANE I had a load of bullshit that I vomited on to the internet when I was hammered. CAMILLE Viral vomit that I scooped up in my hands and turned to gold. (then) Do you have crystals in your purse? JANE What? Of course I have crystals in my purse. CAMILLE Take them out. Take my hands. Dear Universe... Please guide Jane on her journey. JANE If I hear the word “journey” one more time- CAMILLE (ignoring her) On her journey to touch those she’s touched so that they may touch her back. (to Jane) Are you putting energy into the crystals? Cause I don’t feel it. JANE (beat) There. CAMILLE That’s better. (then) And Universe, please make Jane a huge success so she can show her ex-boyfriend- 7. JANE This isn’t about him. CAMILLE Of course not. (then) So she can make $5 million actual dollars. In her bank account. After taxes. Buy things with it cash. JANE Really? CAMILLE Really. And be on Drew Barrymore show. Which her ex-boyfriend would see and know he made a huge mistake. There, don't you feel better? JANE Not really- CAMILLE Great! I'm emailing your tickets. INT. JANE’S APARTMENT - NIGHT NARRATOR At home, Jane's bedroom is scattered with her entire wardrobe and every bathroom product she owns. She puts a single pair of socks in her suitcase. JANE There. Progress. (then) Oh shit... Alexa... "Is it normal to not be able to sleep unless you've had an orgasm?" Wait- That's not action oriented. Alexa. "Can you bring a vibrator on a plane?" ALEXA (speaker) I have found two articles. "It's perfectly fine to bring your vibrator on a plane." and "Never bring your vibrator on a plane." JANE Mixed messages, Alexa! 8. INT. AIRPORT - MORNING SOUND: Airport sounds. NARRATOR Jane sees the colorful x-ray machine detail every item that passes through it. She starts to freak out. JANE Don't freak out, Jane. NARRATOR A man in front of Jane has to remove an electric razor and turn it on. JANE Oh Jesus son of a fuck. Fuck it. Excuse me. Excuse me. Just a water bottle I have to get rid of. NARRATOR Jane hustles to a garbage can but just as she gets there, a Custodian removes the bag leaving an empty metal box. Jane doesn't see as she reaches inside her bag and covertly grabs her vibrator and tosses it in. SOUND: A CLANG and then a vibrator rattling like a paint can shaker. JANE Oh my god. Oh- um, okay. Never mind! I did not need to use the garbage after all! I'll just be going through security now! Here's my ticket and license. TSA AGENT You sure you didn't forget anything? SOUND: RATTLING VIBRATOR AGAINST METAL. JANE Nope! All set! 9. INT. AIRPLANE - DAY NARRATOR Aboard the flight, Jane looks at her ex Todd's Linkedin page. FLIGHT ATTENDANT Drinks? Drinks? JANE I'll take a margarita. FLIGHT ATTENDANT Miss, this is the plane. Chili's Too is back in the airport. JANE Wine is fine. Any kind. NARRATOR Getting her wine, Jane notices the women next to her is reading "The One". Jane yanks the in flight magazine out and buries her face in it. MIDDLE SEAT WOMAN Don’t worry. I’m not one of those people who talks to strangers on airplanes. JANE Yeah, me neither. And you’ve got your book so I’ll leave you to it. MIDDLE SEAT WOMAN Book? Please. This is fucking garbage. It’s like a shit sandwich where the cover is the bread and the pages are the shit. JANE (please kill me) It can’t be that bad. MIDDLE SEAT WOMAN Oh, it’s that bad. But it’s like, so is love, right? So I figured fight shit with shit. I mean, what am I gonna do, give up on love? Even though I want to. Dear God, do I want to. 10. JANE Relationship troubles? MIDDLE SEAT WOMAN Other than men are idiot fucking children with no idea what women have to go through to even walk out of the fucking house each day? JANE I hear that.