Beyond Betrayal: from Neurology to Metaphor

Home , Social rejection

13th ANNUAL IITAP SYMPOSIUM 5/1/2018

A Multi‐model Approach to Beyond Betrayal: From Healing Betrayal in Relationships

Neurology to Metaphor Dan Oakes MEd, LPC, CSAT

A persoanl note

June 25, 2015

September 2016

June 2017

Objectives

1. Clarify the differences and similarities to unrequited love, rejection, emotional and physical betrayal. 2. Understand the role of emotional dysregulation in betrayal. 3. Explain the process of applying trauma informed care to betrayal. 4. Understand the metaphor of communication and safety as a clinical function. 5. Apply and teach others the structure and value of empathy and accountability in healing betrayal.

The Begining of Betrayal

The Begining of BetrayalOur brain is designed to promote relationships. Specific parts of the human brain respond to emotional cues (such as facial expressions, touch, scent) and, more important, allow us to get pleasure from

Dr. Bruce D. Perry, M.D., Ph.D positive human interactions. The systems in the brain that mediate pleasure appear to be closely connected to the systems that mediate emotional relationships.

When Love Goes Wrong

Unrequited Love Rejection Betrayal

When Love Goes Wrong

Unrequited Love

When Love Goes Wrong

Rejection

Betrayal and Physical PainWhy does betrayal hurt so much?

The answer is — our brains are wired to respond that way. When scientists placed people in functional MRI machines and asked them to recall a recent rejection, they discovered something amazing. The same areas of our brain become activated when we Guy Winch Ph.D. experience rejection as when we experience physical pain. That’s why even small rejections hurt more than we think they should, because they elicit literal (albeit,

Rejection and Physical Pain

Social rejection shares somatosensory representations with physical pain

E Kross, MG Berman, W Mischel… - Proceedings of the …, 2011 - National Acad Sciences Does rejection hurt? An fMRI study of social exclusion

NI Eisenberger, MD Lieberman, KD Williams - Science, 2003 - science.sciencemag.org Why rejection hurts: a common neural alarm system for physical and socialpain

NI Eisenberger, MD Lieberman - Trends in cognitive sciences, 2004 - Elsevier An experimental study of shared sensitivity to physical pain and social rejection

NI Eisenberger, JM Jarcho, MD Lieberman, BD Naliboff - Pain, 2006 - Elsevier Why does social exclusion hurt? The relationship between social and physical pain.

G MacDonald, MR Leary - Psychological bulletin, 2005 - psycnet.apa.org Separate neural representations for physical pain and social rejection

CW Woo, L Koban, E Kross, MA Lindquist… - Nature …, 2014 - nature.com A pain by any other name (rejection, exclusion, ostracism) still

hurts the same: The role of dorsal anterior cingulate cortex in

social and physical pain

MDAlone Lieberman but feeling, NI Eisenberger no pain- Social: Effects neuroscience: of social People exclusion …, 2006 on - books.google.comphysical

pain tolerance and pain threshold, affective forecasting, and

interpersonal empathy.

CN DeWall RF Baumeister - Journal of personality and social 2006 - psycnet apa org

When Love Goes Wrong

Rejection

When Love Goes Wrong Betrayal

When Love Goes Wrong

The Center for Relational Recovery

Washington DC

Michelle D. Mays, LPC, CSAT-S

When Love Goes Wrong Betrayal

There is no calm before the storm.

“I knew something was wrong but I could not put my finger on it. He was distant and off, I just could not get him to see me.”

Disclosure

Healing BetrayalIt now is established that emotions are the highest order of direct expressions of bio-regulation in complex organisms, that the maturation of the neural mechanisms involved in self- Dr. Allen Shore PhD regulation is experience dependent, and that these critical affective experiences are embedded in the attachment relationship.

Healing Betrayal‐ Emotional Regulation Model

Hyper‐dysregulation Activated, Externalized, Chaotic

Emotionally Regulated Attuned, Responsive, and Adaptive

Hypo‐dysregulation Withdrawn, Isolated, Rigid

Healing Betrayal‐ Emotional Regulation Model

Verbal and Physical Aggression, Obsessive Fear, Intrusive Thoughts, Hyper‐dysregulation Highly Critical Self Protective

Emotionally Regulated Hurt Spouse Self Protective

Hypo‐dysregulation Avoidant, Withdrawn, Depressed, Isolation, Emotionally Unresponsive

Dysregulation as Self‐Protective

“The process of dissociation is an elegant mechanism built into the human psychological system as a form of escape from (sometimes literally) going crazy. The problem with checking out so thoroughly is that it can leave us feeling dead inside, with little or no ability to feel our feelings in our bodies.― Alexandra Katehakis,

Healing Betrayal‐ Emotional Regulation Model

Defensive, Blaming, Aggressive, Gas‐ Hyper‐dysregulation lighting, Rationalizing, Resentment Self Protective

Emotionally Regulated Offending Spouse Self Protective Hypo‐dysregulation Self‐Pity, Shame, Victim Posture, Self Destructive , Isolation, Withholding

Hyper‐dysregulation

Verbal and Physical Aggression, Defensive, Blaming, Aggressive, Obsessive Fear, Intrusive Thoughts, Gas‐lighting, Rationalizing, Highly Critical EMOTIONAL CHAOS Con Resentment

Emotional Regulation HS OS

Emotional Regulation

Avoidant, Withdrawn, Self‐Pity, Shame, Victim Posture, Depressed, Isolation, CRAZY MAKING Treats of self harm, Isolation, Emotionally Unresponsive Withholding

Hypo‐dysregulation

Healing Betrayal

Trauma

Healing Betrayal

ma Lives in Our Nervous Sy

Healing Betrayal

The clinical misuse of codependency.

“If you “Your fear and mistrust of me could just is very shaming and forgive me = inconvenient, so I will I wouldn’t emotionally punish you until you can be so angry” be kind to me first.”

Healing Betrayal

Stefanie Carnes Stephen Arterburn Stefanie Carnes Mari A. Lee & Jason B. Martinkus Anthony D. Rodriguez

Calming Dysregulation

Self‐Compassion Self‐Kindness

Connection With Others Seeing Self as Common to Humanity

Mindfulness Avoiding Over ID with Intense Emotion

Hyper‐dysregulation

Verbal and Physical Aggression, Defensive, Blaming, Aggressive, Obsessive Fear, Intrusive Thoughts, Gas‐lighting, Rationalizing, Highly Critical Con Resentment Attuned Response Emotional Regulation Share Fear Empathy Heal ing HS Openly Accountability OS Emotional Regulation

Avoidant, Withdrawn, Self‐Pity, Shame, Victim Posture, Depressed, Isolation, Treats of self harm, Isolation, Emotionally Unresponsive Withholding

Hypo‐dysregulation

Therapeutic Objectives 1. Calming dysregulated emotion with pace and empathy. 2. Reframing extreme emotion as self protective. 3. Working with and encourage OS to seek out the pain of the HS 4. Protecting the HS fear and providing safety and structure.

Rules for the OS 1. No convincing or apologizing 2.Seek to sooth her fear 3.Empathy practice… “I can see how…” 4.Be specific about past harm and present fear

Rules for the HS 1. Know your readiness. 2. Know where else you can go. 3. Calm expression of fear. 4. Don’t expect absolute resolution. 5. Appreciate fear as self‐protective.

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Healing Betrayal

1. We are hard wired to connect. 2. Rejection and betrayal create physical pain and trauma 3. All humans use relationships to emotionally regulate. 4. Betrayal creates chaotic and rigid dysregulation. 5. This dysregulation is necessary and self protective. 6. It is not an even playing field. 7. The offending spouse has to become a nurture. 8. The hurt spouse has to be able to share fear openly. 9. They will need structure and an empathetic guide. 10.We become the metaphor of change in the session. 1. As we reframe dysregulate emotion as self protective. 2. As we model empathy and attunement. 3. As we help them practice emotional safety in the session.

Calming Dysregulation“If you are continually judging and criticizing yourself while trying to be kind to others, you are drawing artificial boundaries and distinctions that only lead to feelings of separation and isolation.”

― Kristin Neff, Author of “Self Compassion”

Hyper‐dysregulation

Avoidant, Withdrawn, Self‐Pity, Shame, Victim Posture, Depressed, Isolation, Treats of self harm, Isolation, Emotionally Unresponsive Withholding

Hypo‐dysregulation

Hyper‐dysregulation

Verbal and Physical Aggression, Defensive, Blaming, Aggressive, Obsessive Fear, Intrusive Thoughts, Gas‐lighting, Rationalizing, Highly Critical Con Resentment

Emotional Regulation

Share Fear Empathy Heal ing HS Openly Accountability OS

Emotional Regulation

Avoidant, Withdrawn, Self‐Pity, Shame, Victim Posture, Depressed, Isolation, Treats of self harm, Isolation, Emotionally Unresponsive Withholding

Hypo‐dysregulation