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The News That Prints in Fits a Seriously Satirical Look at Last Week’S News / by Mendy Hecht

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The News That Prints in Fits a Seriously Satirical Look at Last Week’S News / by Mendy Hecht A40 HAMODIA 30 NISAN 5771 MAY 4, 2011 Politics All the News That Prints in Fits A seriously satirical look at last week’s news / By Mendy Hecht Sunday tion to the Egypt work on a rail tunnel done dur- Eighty-eight pianos stolen Archaeological Trust ing the Corzine administration, from New York City streets Corporation, a non-profit enti- New Jersey governor Chris New York (Hamodia) — ty just created by All the News Christie forwarded the bill to Eighty-eight pianos placed in for purposes of completing this the home of former governor New York City public places in column. Jon Corzine. May 2011 an effort to bring impromptu “I didn’t spend that money, music to the Big Apple were Wednesday and I certainly wouldn’t have 4 CHAZAQ Women's Division - Rebbetzin Smadar Rosenzweig Live stolen the day after placement, had I been governor,” said 5 Yeshivah Migdal Torah, Rosh Chodesh Project for Women Lecture as valuable objects placed in Al Gore sues weather for Christie. “So it’s not my respon- 8 Bikur Cholim of Boro Park Ladies Luncheon/Chinese Auction, Ateres Chaya public places tend to be in the defamation sibility to pay it.” 8 Yeshivah Ohavei Torah of Riverdale 12th Anniversary Dinner, Teaneck, NJ Big Apple. Nashville (Hamodia) – 8 Yeshiva of Spring Valley 68th Anniversary Dinner Professional former U.S. Vice Trump demands Osama death 8 RJJ Merkaz Hatorah & Jewish Foundation School of SI Annual Dinner Monday President and current weather certificate 8 P’TACH Parenting Event With Dr. David Pelcovitz, Young Israel of Midwood, 8pm expert Al Gore today sued the New York (Hamodia) – 8 The Shmuz comes to Yeshiva PTI, Passaic, 8:30 pm China declares war on NYC weather for defamation, saying Billionaire mogul Donald 8 CHAZAQ - Rabbi Eliyahu Bergstein Live Councilwoman for proposing that the catastrophic recent Trump, flush with his self- 9 Agudah Women of America/N’shei C.A.R.E.S. Annual Sefirah Event counterfeit-fine bill weather systems that pum- declared victory at securing the 11 Ohr Naava Chinese Auction, Kleinman, 3427 Bedford Ave, 11am-11pm Beijing (Hamodia) — The meled the American South — all long-missing birth certificate of 11 A TIME , PCOS Educational Event, Dr. Rybak Communist Chinese regime of which had nothing to do with Obama, now demanded the 12 Jewish Stuttering Association Support Group for Men, Boro Park, 7:00 today declared war on New the “global warming” theory death certificate of Osama. 15 Dirshu Chazarah Chodshi Test #46 York City Councilwoman hawked by Gore — amounted to “How do we know he was 15 Agudah Women of Flatbush Camp Scholarship Brunch Margaret Chin after Chin pro- defamation. killed in Pakistan?” asked 15 Yeshivah & Mesivta Torah Vodaath Annual Dinner, Ateres Chaya Hall posed a law that would crimi- Trump. “For all we know, he 15 Yeshivah Kesser Torah’s Annual Breakfast nalize the purchase of counter- Thursday could have been killed in 15 Flatbush Hatzoloh’s Annual Gala Auction, Cong. Shaare Zion feit goods in New York City. Afghanistan, or Sudan, or 15 MASK Breakfast, 11:00 am Much of China’s prosperity in Trump confesses to being Guantanamo, or Chicago, or 15 Halachah Conference for Professionals recent decades comes from born in Africa Hawaii. Or he might not be dead 15 Hatzalah of Nassau County & the Rockaways BBQ Dinner stealing the prosperity of oth- Washington, D.C. (Hamodia) at all. Have you seen a body? I 15 Jewish Stuttering Association Support Group for Men, Lakewood, 7:00 ers. – Billionaire real estate mogul haven’t. Until the president 15 Community Torah Center of Bucks County (Richboro, PA) Annual Dinner Donald Trump confessed to clears this up, I remain skepti- 15 Agudath Israel of America Halacha Conference Tuesday having been born in Africa after cal about this whole story. Not 16 Yameitz Libechu Ladies Chinese Auction in Menorah Hall President Barack Obama that I suspect Osama — I mean, 16 Jewish Stuttering Association Support Group for Women, Monsey, 8:30 Statue of Donald Trump demanded proof of American Obama — of this, but it very well 17 Flatbush Satmar Bikur Cholim Annual Spring Tea, Ateres Chynka uncovered in ancient Egypt citizenship. could be a publicity stunt 17 Jewish Stuttering Association Support Group for Women, Brooklyn, 7:00 Cairo (Hamodia) – A statue In unrelated news, on the designed to boost his profile. 19 The Shmuz at Shulamis High School, Flatbush, 1:30 pm ostensibly depicting ancient same day that Great Britain’s “The American people have 20-22 Gateways Los Angeles Retreat Amenhotep III, the grandfa- Prince William got married, it the right to see proof that Osama 24 N’shei C.A.R.E.S./Maimonides Mothers of Multiples Support Meeting ther of famous Egyptian king was discovered that two billion is really dead. I call upon Osama — 24 Bais Kaila High School Annual Dinner Tutenkhamen, inexplicably people, or a little less than one- I mean, Obama — to prove to the 25 Connect-to-Care How to Start a Business, 7-9, Young Israel of Flatbush turned out to bear the image of third of the world’s population, American people that this arch- 28 Hatzolah of Boro Park Men’s Melaveh Malkah Auction, Ateres Golda American billionaire mogul are unemployed. terrorist has truly been assassi- Donald Trump. Egyptian antiq- nated, so that we can get past 29 Hatzolah of Boro Park Ladies’ Auction Event, Ateres Golda Friday-Sunday 29 Agudath Israel of America 89th Annual Dinner, New York Hilton uities authorities were at a loss to these frivolous and empty cha- 29 Shmuz at Torah Ohr in Great Neck at 8:30 PM, 575 Middle Neck Road explain how the famous busi- rades and move on to truly impor- 30 Yeshivas Novominsk 27th Annual Dinner, Ateres Chaya Hall nessman’s face appears on a Christie forwards federal bill tant things, like Obama’s birth statue carved thousands of 30 Yeshivah Zichron Meilech Annual Dinner to Corzine’s house certificate — oh, wait, we took care years ago and recently uncov- Trenton (Hamodia) – After of that last week.” 30 A TIME, Rabbi Klar, Miscarriage, Stillbirth, & Infant Loss ered at an archaeological dig the federal government In related news, Osama — I 31 Yeshivah Toras Chaim/Denver Alumni Association Annual Dinner site. The archaeologists denied demanded that New Jersey mean, Obama — declared the 31 Annual Task Force Rebbitzens’ Conference 11:30 -3 Khal Chassidim that the discovery had anything refund $271 million for early Second of May a new national to do with Trump’s recent dona- planning and construction holiday. June 2011 1 Jewish Heritage Center Annual Journal Dinner 1 Yeshivas Vyelipol Annual Dinner, Ateres Golda Dirshu Kinyan Torah Test #76 & Halachah L’Bais Yisroel #3 5 & Mishnah Brurah Chazarah #6 5 Yeshiva of New Haven 34th Annual Gathering 5 Yeshiva Livnas Hasapir Annual Breakfast at the Werdiger Home 5 The Shmuz in Lakewood at Rabbi Gissinger’s shul, 9:00 PM 6 The Shmuz comes to Bruriah High School in Elizabeth, NJ 7-9 Jewish Heritage Center Shavuos Hotel Program 7-10 Gateways Shavuos Retreat 12 Dirshu Kinyan Torah 120-blatt Test #19 13 N’shei C.A.R.E.S Rickey Halperin,a”h, Maimonides Birth Center Tours 19 Dirshu Chazarah Chodshi Test #47 26 The Shmuz comes to Yeshiva PTI, Passaic, 8:30 pm July 2011 3 Dirshu Kinyan Torah Test #77 & Halachah L’Bais Yisroel #38 17 Dirshu Chazarah Chodshi Test #48 18 N’shei C.A.R.E.S Rickey Halperin, a”h, Maimonides Birth Center Tours 20 SHUVU Annual Summer Dinner Reception N’shei C.A.R.E.S./ Maimonides Mother’s of Multiples Bar Mitzvah 24 Celebration Family Trip 31 Dirshu Kinyan Torah Test #78 & Halachah L’Bais Yisroel #39 August 2011 1 N’shei C.A.R.E.S Rickey Halperin, a”h, Maimonides Birth Center Tours TO LIST YOUR ORGANIZATIONAL EVENT FAX EMAIL 718.689.1372 [email protected] .
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