Booze, Blues (Party) and Bumpers MSA Reps Allegedly Hit Bottle, Cars
By MICHAEL SALTSMAN . •
LLEGATIONS OF delinquency, . drunkenriess, and· illegal p.J ampaigning at the Michigan Student Assembly's recent trip to a national student government conference are causing a fracas. MSA President and Vice ' President, Matt Nolan and Jessica Cash, have admitted to using e-mail to campaign for the Blue Party while on the MSA· funded trip to the Association of Big Ten If these allegations are true, Schools Conference (ABTS) ~ a violation someone has a lot 0 of the University's guidelines for proper explaining to do... let's ~ computer usage, and a possible violation for their political futures that of MSA's election code. Nolan and Cash it's not though... ooops ... also admit to missing 25 percent of the conference's official issue sessions. Additionally, other representatives accused . Nolan and Cash of being obviously intoxicated at an official event, To top off the trip, both rental vans were returned with over $3,000 in damage. The weekend of October 5th, the
Continued BOOZE on Page 7 MSA President Matt.Nolanand Butt~rShots at F~bruarY ABTS UAC Loses $34K on Comedy Shows Loss plunges Center into debt By MATIHEW S. SCHWARTZ • !&! performance by "Half Baked" Gom.edians Dave Chappelle and HE UNIVERSITY Jim Breuer, lost $12,000 despite Activities Center is nearly selling out Hill T reforming its spending Auditorium. The second, a ,show practiceS and putting "strict by Andy Dick, stat of MTV's market research policies" in place "The Andy Dick Show," sold after it lost $34,000 on two . fewer than half the seats in the comedy shows it produced last Michigan Theater, costing UAC year, UAC President Brian $22,000. Netter has told the Review. UAC, a studetlt~run These losses forced UAC .organization ' ,that provides into deficit spending, causing the programtnJng for the· student Center to end the year with a community, expects· to lose an debt of over $8,~00. UAC has average of $8,000 to $10,000 since signed a contract with the per show, said Netter. "We are University, promising to end the supposed to lose money," he year with a posi tive balance of said. "The idea is for us to $18,000. Despite Charging $15. dollars for tickets, .UAC's Laughtrack provide services for the student Although Netter expects to lost $22,00000 the Andy Dick Circus of Freaks body at a loss. Not at a big loss, meet that goal by year's end, he but at a loss." said that UAC will "fall further Both shows were produced combined with another . into the red before we end up in last fall by Laughtrack, a UAC committee to save operating Continued UAC on the black." committee that has since been expenses. The first show, a Page 9 • SERPENT'S TOOTH TIIF :\ 11('111<;\:\ J{FYI E\\
The letter sent to NBC headquarters the band Megadeath will surely be poised The campus Affairs Journal of in NY recently containing anthrax was for a mention in the news once more. the University of Michigan supposedly intended for Tom Brokaw. "YAF is buiclIo, 1/ ..."biil J..!J PII"",u.• Geez, we guess SOMEONE must've really hated "The Greatest Generation." We're surprised that Native American D.C. Lee activists haven't stepped-up their campaign iror-in-Chie against the Washington Redskins lately. however, as Bert would most likely have Supposedly, UAC is really in the red Considering that the Redskins are 0-4 and been executed by the Taliban due to his Matthew Franczak this year. It looks like they've been have been outscored 135 ... 25 in ~eir four homosexwU rel~tionship with Ernie, Publisher flushing their money down the same toilet . games so far, Native Americans that we've been flushing their fish. everywhere should be more embarrassed James J ustin Wilson than ever. ' Shortly af~er the picture became ssoc. Puhlisher. Man.aging Edilor public, Kei::mi tthe . Frqgwast\l$h~d to .the Ruben Duran The heavy metal band Anthrax is hospital: p~~torsdesCti bed.hi$ : q,ndi'tion CtJJ7Ipus A ffairs Edi lor considering changing their name due to .' Last week, it was announced .thar as Stal?Je; ·but :6tPt:essea c~niqn over his the recent anthrax scare. "What, like being . NBC had bought Hispanic broadcaster greenishcq.lor, fe3ritlg he might have been James Y. Yeh named after a biological weapon of mass Telemundo for $1.98 billion. Accordingly, the victim of a ·chemical weapons attack. Exccullve &bIOI' destruction and bovine disease never there is a new change fo.r the Fall Line Lookdike it really isn;t easy being green ... bothered them before? . Up: "Dateline: NBC" will be revamped, featuring a tramped-up Jane Pauley and NAT'L Aflo' ArRS ED: Brad Sprecher COpy EUITOR: PetuApel with Stone Phillips being replaced by a SENlOR EDITOR: MOlthew SchW1ll1z Incidentally, Anthrax's possible name sock puppet, El Senor Gufpe. A JediKnight believes that every life change due to the threat of biological form in the ·universe gives 'off a certai~ STAJoT WRrt'£RS: Adam Dancy, ChIp Englander, Jamif'er Lee. Dan l.e\i, Mlchlld VWiG'. nsiprd edllOOllb reprtl<'nl the opinion 0( the edllonlll THE GoLDSTEIN FILEs bo:ud. l:.reo. the)' an: uMqU"oaIl), eomel and julI SiCned I lUtlCleS. \c1Jt:1$, and cartoons repn:5f:1II the opanicllu of the • :wtlxw and not IICCessanl)' Ihox 1)( the Re .. JC!W 1bc Serpent's TIIOIh iII.all rcpn:5f:nl the op Goldstein's now infamous two-pronged Edllonl1l o:at\oon~ eOUllCIY or the ltSSle EduCllllonal Foun ugly/dying attack on your valiant editors tLillOn (Il00) 767·2267 consisted, of coune, of a dying prong and Well. Yi'" JUre hope !hat '" halevcr i, pubhihcd WlthlD thIS an ugly prong. Having already parried the 9.9 Justin Wilson ruu.. o( the Re,,,, .. ~ not Pft'Chtdc us (rom (uwre IlIvlle) 10 ''\he While IIOU.!ir .. We v.ouldll·1 w:IIIl 10 mw OUI on the pointy, fondue-fork like jab at our keg or the en,~cml eonvcnAlion "Ith the "" Democrats on mortality by surviving to publish yet Managing Editor the frool JlO":h And )'cs, .. bale,.." IS published (breed)' 10 the left on t1us an.other issue of the Michigan RnJi~, we ;c it one-hundIW pcra:nllllXUlIIle. No results were fiu1ard now tum our attenDon to me accusation in the cre:alIOO o( ibIS lile. Md no (echnl' "'ere hun clther RJghl Ikn' Althoullh the WD)' I bear II ~ndy . Mr. mat the legends of our editorial staff's 9.9 D.C. Lee Goldstcin cr:u mon: u. IhwI 10I1e1 JIIlPCI WeJl done. m)' legendary good looks are somewhat (nend And In caw: you ""vcn'l notad. "'" ~ the sale overstated. Editor-in-Chief prier (Of the (oul1h. liM. ctc. Wuc:s this time. MIll )'011 Ire To Snd the truth of (he maner, we oin, 10 ~a1 lUI enllre IllICit. kttp In mind tNl (~Ion)' Edward .• dmrca ""II follow subscque.ndy Thank)OII turned to the impartial arbiter of all Norton? questions of personal appearances, PIclUC addn:» all ad~nl~In' . subJcnpuoo InqulrieJ. IIIId doIl.aIlotu \0 ""bUsher elo the \tlCh/J!1UJ Reu: .. www.hotornot.com. Here, random 5.7 Matt Franczak people gued deep into our souls and assessed our outer beaury on a 1 to 10 Publisher scale. And. as one can clearly see, the oracle of appearances has judged us to be -hot- and Goldstein to be, well, -noc. you As per his request, we will plug his 4.9 Ben "And This expect? column. So, nexc Thurscby if you're bored Guy Calls Us Ugly" He'. an Love us or hate us, [0 the poinr of considering self engineer. mutilation, in order [0 break the tedium, write us. put down thar scalpel and pick up the Goldstein l.at.en edition of Weak and Ere. from the . Ermail ktun@mi~"ignnTtvin4J. CD m Michigan Daily, and read ·Sick!," Ben with subject, "Lc:tte.r lO the Editor" Goldsrc.in's weekly whininp about his NOT Or send mai l [0: body image. Ann Arbor not being New The Michigan Review 911 N. Universi ty Ave. York and tampons. And yes, he did whine Ann Arbor, Ml48109 about l2moons last week. [October 17. 2001 THE IIlCHlOAN REVIEW - Ll£TTBRS Page 3 • LETTERS TO THE EDITOR Daily Whipping As an organizer of the Tuesday, inside, against its citizens. I was genuinely charitable donations in our nation's September 11 Vigil on the Diag, I was afraid of what we might do, and so I history. Nearly 60 television networks Boy Responds saddened to hear that several of your intentionally left out anything that would airing the same two h~urs of programming writers were upset that the National have divided us in any way, segmented to raise money for victims' families, Anthem arid other patriotic odes were not us, or turned "us against them." In doing commercial free. Citizens stopping police How are you gentlemen? part of the program. It was largely my that, I inadvertently shunned the only thing and firemen on the streets allover the Today I was shown the current issue decision not to include them, and in that really unites America. Have no country, thanking them for doing their of the Review (Oct. 3), which features retrospect, the decision was my own error doubts, the Vigil as it stood did great jobs to keep us safe and free. Americans myself as the new Daily Whipping Boy. in judgment. For my mistake, I apologize positive things for me, and I hope for our helping Americans, an outpouring of love, Absolutely hysterical. Me and my friendS to those who were offended in any way, community. As I left the Vigil, I felt my support, kindness, and understanding. got a big kick out of it. So first off, thanks and to those who felt their patriotic faith and courage and resolve partially That is what our national symbols are all a lot; this is definite college scrapbook expression was slighted. restored. But something was noticeably about; that is what they, and we, stand material, and one of those things I'll I'll be quite honest, the idea not to mlssmg. for. probably always remember from my years include the Star Spangled Banner, God Singing our National Anthem, at U-M. Bless America, etc., in the Vigil was a staring, teary-eyed, at our flag, which was Mike Simon A small apology / explanation is in decision, while suggested by others, that still intact, like our strong nation, was what order, however. I don't know if you were was accepted by myself out of fear and I needed that evening. I regret that it wasn't just joking around, or if you're actually More on Topless confusion. I was scared for myself, scared included as part of die organized program. insecure about your looks and were truly for my University, scared for my family, Those who sang an impromptu version offended when I called you guys ugly, but Liberals and scared for my country. I remembered, after the event ended were most certainly here's the deal: when I wrote that line in especially, the lessons of history the acting appropriately, and filling a void. April, I was specifically referring to James Dustin, was she hot at least? But vicious scapegoating and internment of I was wrong about how America would "Chink in the Armor" Yeh and David knowing them ("irate liberal" women), I Japanese Americans after Pearl Harbor. I react to this tragedy. Patriotism hasn't "Aesthetic Train-Wreck" Guipe (who are bet she was really ugly. Oh well. Keep up saw the terror and felt the collective brought a scourge of jingoism and without a doubt some ugly, ugly people, the good work! anguish of my fellow Americans when the xenophobia upon us. What we've seen in don't try to deny it), not D.C. Lee or J.J. towers fell and the Pentagon burned. I the last few weeks has been nothing short Wilson, who, judging from their David Sackett could see how our nation could turn of amazing. The highest volume of headshots are clearly fine-looking young men. But something bothered me about my new Whipping Boy title and Page Two write-up. You mentioned a line I wrote six months ago (revenge is a dish best served cold, I guess), but neglected to mention that my column "Sick!" runs every Thursday in the Daily's Weekend section. It's too bad you guys don't publish very frequently, because you should tell your readers to check out my upcoming columns. I think the next two will be pretty funny. Well, thanks for the laughs and the free promotion. Can't wait to clip and save all the Ben Goldstein references in this school year's MR, and I'm looking forward to my new nickname. Ben Goldstein Simon Says, "No Pledge," Sorry ~ ...... : Subscribe To The Michigan Review! : • For a tax-deductible contribution of $35 or more, you'll receive a year's subscription to the Michigan Review, which includes 1 4 biweekly issues· plus our annual summer.• •.Please send my subscription to: • Please make check or money order payable to: • • Name: The Michigan Review • • • ••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• •• [Page 4 TBB IIICB1GAR REVIBW - BDlTOlUALB October 17, 20011 • FROM SUITE ONE ABTS Delegates Should 'St\ISE ~ ... \ti\ U S\lPE~ be Held Accountable for fbWER tml'¥AI SM\)~w\\ Questionable Actions IN~~ ~~.\~ Y~A~~ ECENTLY' THE MICHIGAN This issue also raises the question of • Student Assembly delegation to whether the University should spend ~he Association of Big Ten Schools student fees to sponsor trips under the Conference (ABTS) came under scrutiny guise of "education." As it stands, no for a laundry list of mischief conducted University student group may use student on University time. This mischief includes, funds to finance travel, except of course, but is not exclusive to: skipping planned the Assembly. Are student funds going to events to send mass e-mails, consuming be used to pay for the damage caused to alcohol during the conference and the vans by over:zealous Assembly members? The U niversi ty allotted approximately $2,000 for this planned activity, which is much more than most As such, they not only student groups receive for the year. That participated in is $2,000 that the MSA could spend on LGBT Socials, Planned Parenthood Plays, Well Intentioned, inappropriate actions, but and funding the "new civil rights they also broke the l~w. It movement in defense of affirmative action." But Too Far is even more audacious This money was used to rent vans Anti-Terrorism bill sacrifices civil that the Vice President which were used irresponsibly, to travel to a Conference that was not even wholly liberties, constitution for limited security herself can openly admit to attended by the participants and to rent hotel rooms that were allegedly used to S ATTORNEY GENERAL John CitiZenS, this action also seem hasty. "yiolating Minor In facilitate underage drinking. Student fees Ashcroft has issued several Allowing wanton pursuit of "any" Possession (MIP) laws. are meant to help facilitate student groups, U decrees (including the Anti suspected terrorists would, in the long run, not help send a select few of the political Terrorism Act of 2001) regarding the cause more harm than good. Part of. the elite on vacation. If the MSA wants to maintenance of National Security. Among greatness of this country is the "innocent take a luxurious trip under the guise of these decrees include extradition of until proven guilty" clause. However by damaging two rental vans. immigrants, detention of "suspicious "protecting freedom" the government is These actions are deplorable on peoples" and an increase in FBI wire taps. actually taking it away. several levels. First, the MSA is a This money was used to This is inherently giving the government Another aspect of Ashcroft's proposal representative body of the University of rent vans which were used free reign to violate the Fourth is stemming immigration into and out of Michigan. As such, it is the responsibility Amendment, with Executive the country. While better regulation of of the delegates to reflect a positive image irresponsibly, to travel to a endorsement. While the effort to secure immigration is necessary, this plan goes of the U-M. Drinking and carrying on is conference that was not too far. It calls for thorough screening of clearly not positive. Second, no members applicants, and will in all likelihood target even wholly attended by Allowing wanton pursuit Middle Eastern applicants. This of the MSA delegation sent to the "» d . conference were of legal drinking age. As the participants and to o f any suspecte terrorists formulates worry of "guilt by association," such, they not only participated in would, in th"e long run, in that innocent, law-abiding civilians run inappropriate actions, but they also broke rent hotel rooms that were the risk of unjust monitoring, detainment or deportation. the law. It is even more audacious that allegedly used to facilitate cause more harm than good. the Vice President, Jessica Cash, can Also under the bill is a provision openly admit to violating Minor In underage drinking. allowing for additional wiretaps and secret Possession (MIP) laws. American freedom is laudable, the surveillance on suspected enemies of the The members ofMSA are continually Department of Justice is going about it state. This reeks of the misuse of power attempting to justify their positions of goodwill, they should sign up for the wrong way. used by J. Edgar Hoover in the 50's and relative influence, though they counter this Alternative Spring Break, not use The Constitution and its clauses 60's, as well as the McCarthy abuses. On justification through their actions by mandatory student fees that could be used effectively serve as the last line of defense the other hand, it could lead to the failing to attend mandatory events (a la elsewhere. between the threat of the government and successful capture and prosecution of the DAAP election debacle last year), and While those who did not drink and the public. The Fourth Amendment members of terrorist groups. It is with by neglecting their required duties in favor actually attended mandatory events should protects the public from wrongful search this small sliver of hope that we must of miscreant behavior. The continuing not be held accountable, those who and seizure by the government. This believe that justice will prevail. Already, message during the MSA elections is that participated in these actions should be would, and should, protect the common at least one individual was detained by the Assembly should be taken seriously. held accountable. Matt Nolan, Jessica individual from the prying eyes of Big the FBI, questioned and released. This is Yet in passing meaningless resolutions, Cash and the others who participated in Brother. However, with rapid approval for reasonable, as long as probable cause failing to accurately express the opinions the questionable actions during the ABTS wire taps, as well as "streamlining" cases exists for detainment. In the end, the of the student body and turning official conference should apologize formally for against possible terrorist suspects, there Justice Department must use caution, U-M business into a drinking party, the their actions and implement a clear-cut is substantial room for error. Much as the common sense and the Constitution as a Executive Board is smearing the image of plan to avoid this kind of ruckus in the post-Pearl Harbor hysteria caused the guide, so that civil liberties are not violated the Assembly and this University. future. Mt internment of many innocent American in an unreasonable way. Mt • SCIENTIA ET VERITAS The New Left and th·e First Amendment How the liberals have abandoned civil liberti@~e~'- " CONGRESS SHALL MAKE endorse religions with such inane The fact of the matter is that funding The Double Standard of Offensiveness no law respecting an initIatives as posting the Ten is received in exchange for providing a establishment of religion, or Commandments in schools and trying to service for your sponsor, and if your Another problem with the left's prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or find some constitutionally acceptable way service is no longer desired, you have no interpretation of the first amendment is abridging the freedom of speech, or of to include prayer time in school right to continued funding. Your right to its view sensitivity. No view, no matter the press; or the schedules, they fail to follow through in free speech is still as intact as before, you how hateful, offensive or bigoted should right of the people preventing the government from just might need to take your act outside. be suppressed, as long as it is not about a peaceably to ~ discouraging the practice of a religion. "protected" group. The view that all men ~ assemble, and to Liberals are ready to demand the Campaign Finance Ref~rin are potential rapists is precious and needs petition the immediate removal of any nativity scene to be expressed whether or not you agree Government for a that may pop up on city property, but they Interestingly enough, the most with it, but the view that Freshman girls redress of have a different take when it comes to pressing free-speech issue of our time finds should be gotten while they are skinny grievances." - The 1~1 government-funded criticisms of religions. liberals firmly against it. The McCain needs to be suppressed brutally. Viewing First Amendment of ~ When the New York government Feingold bill, the most likely incarnation all men as sexual predators and all women the Constitution threatened to yank funding for the of campaign finance reform, calls for a as sexual objects are both highly offensive Matthew Brooklyn Museum of Art for displaying cap on soft money contributions. This to the respective parties, but the former "Congress or Franczak dung-artist Chris Ofili's interpretation of amplifies already rigorous infringements is acceptable and the latter is not, simply any other the Virgin Mary, the ACLU was the imposed by previous campaign finance because. men are not a protected group. governmental body No, weddn't screw up, this is loudest defender of his right to make a reforms passed in 1972. Campaigning is By doing this, liberals are simply using his real cotumn picture. samh II ak e no I aw, religious statement on government one of the most basic free speech as public statement, or display property. This piece of "art" is obviously forms of political another tool to complimentary of any religion, but shall a statement against Catholicism, and it is expression and Just as a nativity scene on the city divide people based back the criticism thereof; nor shall the clearly being made with government backing a candidate is hall lawn is a statement for on race, gender and government abridge or deny funding for support. an important way to . . . sexual orientation. In Chnstlaruro; the dung-smeared h .. I dabl any form of expression, as long as we agree The first amendment specifically express your vIews. ~J' sort, It IS a au e with it and it does not offend a "protected" states that the government should not act Giving a party or icon is a statement against it; and to take a stand group." - As Read By the Modern Left in such a manner as to prevent the candidate money to the government should never be against intolerance, exercise thereof. Just as a nativity scene express their views is involved in either. unconstitutional to Once upon a time, liberalism meant on the city hall lawn is a statement for the same as using your suggest that something more than high taxes and not Christianity, the dung-smear~d icon is a money to express the intolerant speech having to work for a living. Back in those statement against it; and the government same views yourself. should be banned days liberals were interested in a Bill of should never be im:olved in either. As long as the sources are disclosed and hypocritical to talk about either when Rights that didn't have the word "Patien t's'l publicly, there is no ambiguity about who you support AI Sharpton. in front of it. Unfortunately, along the path Free Speech = Free Money is sponsoring the speech, so there should to its economic and social agenda, the left be no restrictions on it beyond any other Freedom of Anything has become no better than the right in its The ACLU's defense of public funding form of speech. defense of civil liberties. Most Democrats for art brings up another part of the Further, eliminating campaign The final problem with the left's · have abandoned this commitment entirely, modern left's betrayal of the first contributions will reduce the number of interpretation of the first amendment is and even the ACLU is very selective in amendment. Somehow, liberals have fOUod ads candidates can run. Political ads are they believe it allows them to express which rights it wants to protect. that the right to free speech also includes frequently the most direct expression of a themselves however they want. The first the right to have however much money is candidate's views. Without them, the amendment only explicitly protects Separation of Church and State necessary to broadcast your speech to the public is reduced to gaining information speech, not any other forms of expression. desired audience. Half of what liberals from the media and voter guides. This Thus, while other forms of expression While not the actual wording of the decry as censorship is simply the decision forces the public to get its information should not be banned, they have no special Constitution, the "Separation of Church by some entity, government or corporate, from a smaller number of sources, constitutional protection; so, if they and State" has become one of the to cease funding somebody's speech. So, increasing the damage that bias or involve the violation of some other law, objectives of a civil liberties advocate. The when the government decides it does not inaccuracies can do. People realize that one should expect to be punished for . idea is that in order want to lend its floor space to a play the information candidates themselves them. Nonviolent civil disobedience is to assure that no portraying Jesus' as a give out is biased, but this is better that sometimes an effective and appropriate tactic, but if you are trespassing, whether religion is favored or In short, 'it is a laudable to take a homosexual because it no information at all. Campaign finance discriminated may offend citizens, it reform also disproportionately increases it be in the School of the Americas or a against, the stand against intolerance, is not censorship; the advantages of incumbents, who can dean's office, expect to be arrested for it. government should unconstitutional to suggest that when Sears an~ use their position to increase their media Even worse is trying to use free expression refrain from intolefa!1t speech should be Federal Express exposure and, in the case of Congressmen, as an ex'i::use to silence the speech of others, a practice not unknown ·to our involving itself in any banned and hypocritical to talk decide to pull their mail out campaign literature free ofcharge. religions matters, sponsorship of Bill Public discourse never is hurt by adding campus left. So next time you are thinking period. However, about either when you support Maher because ·a more voices and campaign contributions about ripping up somebody's sign, spray despite their AI Sharpton. comment he made is allows people to do just that. However, painting someone or stealing the issues professed belief in offending poten tial most liberals oppose this basic form of of a certain right-leaning campus this doctrine, customers, it is not political expression, and even .the ACLU publication, remember that the first modern liberals come up short when it censorship; when Mayor Guiliani tries to is only lukewarm in its opposition. amendmen t protects speech, not comes to actually foUowing through with cut funding fo~ a museum that displays vandalism; and please state your it. While they strive zealously to prevent artwork that offends his constituents, it oppositIOn rather than steal the those who believe that government should is not censorship. opposition. Mt "'"""-"",...... ,,,- Ipage 6 '1'118 1IICB1CW1 UVIBW - CO£~"'O"'NJ'~F October 17, 20011 A CHINK IN THE ARMOR '" '- Uncle SaITl Wants You, and You, ·and You, and you ... .. FEW YEARS ago, before the up scrubbing toilets. He could've scrubbed me. All of my male relatives who lived in here would learn new skills that they never . creation of that ever-so-magical toilets in the civilian world, gotten paid Taiwan past their teen years did their time would've learned otherwise, and Jtale-paradise known as the more, and wouldn't have had to go through in Chaing Kai-Shek's army and none of incidentally, accidents involving firearms History Channel, I used to watch a lot of weeks of basic ttaining. And what about them are any·worse for wear. The law as would most likely drop to almost nothing. the Discovery Channel, and a few years all the other mundane but necessary jobs it stands today is that all males must serve There can be no harm done by ago, they had this our Navy offers? Who in the world would for two years. When the new conscript forcing young Americans to serve their special called want to volunteer for scraping paint or starts his service, whether it be in active country in peacetime. Would it be legal? Carrier: Fortress pumping out the bilge, AND get to visit dury or in the reserves varies, the only Why riot? If it's legal to randomly select at Sea. The exotic locals like Norfolk, VA or Bayonne, people who can get out of serving are the men for military service based on their details are a bit NJ? And what about the rest of the disabled and hardened criminals. This birthdays, if it's legal to not make women hazy, but what I military? idea is similar in Germany as well. So why register for Selective Service and if it's do remember, The easy answer would be to draft can't it work here? legal to force kids to go to school for eight other than the people for jobs like that. Let volunteers If all males hiVe to register for to twelve years of their lives, it should be sight of an F-14 do what they want to do (unless of course, Selective Service when they turn 18 here legal to force all young men to serve their flaming out and James they really WANT to scrub toilets.) But anyway, why not add on two or three years country. If the price !3f freedom is eternal the crew bailing Y. Yeh the draft is unfair. Hell, I'll say it, it's of government service? Proponents of a vigilance, then let us remain ever vigil. out, was an always has been unfair. During Vietnam, professional military will argue that a ~ interview with a the poor and minorities wen t to fight while conscripted military won't perform as well, young seaman as he scrubbed the head affluent coll~ge students got to stay in but World War 1, World War II and Korea (bathroom, for you landlubbers.) school until they were too old' to be were all well fought with conscripts. Today, Note: to Josh Ellison, who suggested Obviously, the poor guy was pissed; hell, drafted. A hundred years before Vietnam, German units using conscripts routinely that we at the Review enlist before we who wouldn't be if he had to scrub toilets poor Irish men in New York ·City rioted win NATO armor competitions over units start calling for war, I say this: if we stop for five thousand sailors. But something because they were being called-up ,to fight with all volunteers. A conscript army pussyfooting around and actually send in he said stuck out. I forget the exact quote, the Confederacy while the wealthy got to would also serve to anchor the military ground troops, I'll run my ass offand grab but he basically said that he would've never buy their way out of being called-up. into mainstream society, one of the my tomahawk and enlist when I graduate. enlisted in the Navy if he knew he'd end ::the solution? Universal conscription. principle reasons the Germans have I would love nothing more than to get up scrubbing toilets. Here was a guy who Being from Taiwan, the concept of decided to keep universal conscription, myselfsome enemy scalps, even if they have volunteered to serve his country, but ended universal conscription is nothing new to despite the end of the Cold War. Recruits turbans attached to them. WTC and A Look at Leftist.Opportunism How the extreme left is perverting the war effort for. their own interests By NATHAN PRILL calls on Americans to ignore the recent individuals to question whether severe the protests. The lack of definition at the attacks. These groups (e.g., BAMN) call harm may be done. Consider the press protests has been met with widespread VER THE PAST few weeks, the American actions abroad racist. They coverage of campus issues. When leftist disgust. In fact, the growing movement . rhetoric of the extreme lett has argue that the grievances of the world, groups use the events since Sept 11 th to in favor of U.S. intervention in O become more visible on from starvation to epiHemics, are a, result gain media attention for anti~American Afghanistan, led by the YAF (Young campus. Students enter their classes in the of U.S. intervention. The subversive sentiments and other unrelated issues, Americans for Freedom), is gaining great morning, arriving to find messages on the nature of these students suffer. support in light of the recent attacks. blackboards and pamphlets on the desks. sentiments is leaving Now is not the best Impromptu counter-protests are amassing These messages urge students to attend many students with The misleading message of time to show even larger groups than the extreme left's "emergency protests," to show disapproval concerns about groups like BAMN is intended dissent or rake up rallies. Students of all walks are uniting of the recent military attacks against where the left is only to manipulate the current confusion about again leftist opportunism by picking up Afghanistan. going and what their crisis for the benefit of an issues in our flags and posters to support their country. Upon arrival at any of the rallies, intentions really are. society. We are in a The voices of these pro~American students however, people see a different face. These Many on extremist ideology that even bipartisan effort to drown 'out the irrelevancies of groups like "protestors" shout sentiments that are campus hold the many liberals find unpatriotic end terrorism, not BAMN to assure that the world knows completely irrelevant to the events belief that the United and unpalatable. to stop starvation in that our University will not be bogged down following the Sept 11 th attack, phrases such States should seek a some obscure area by leftist speech-making. as, "End oppression in Iraq!" or "Don't peaceful resolution of the world. When In the coming months, as the United forget to get on the bus for the Affirmative to this international crisis. However, the individuals protest to stop "racist policy," States continues its efforts to snuff out Action court case in Cincinnati, Ohio!" use of the word "peace" in many of the we should question whether this confusion global terrorism, our student body will no These slogans leave many students extremists' literature is misleading. Are and dissent isn't exactly how terrorists want doubt continue to be faced with those who wondering if leftist groups are not using they looking to resolve the current us to respond. By confusing the United use current events as a means of spreading the horrific attack on the United States as conflict? Are they even talking about it States, terrorists have the opportunity to extremist literature. This calls on all of us an opportunity to get their twisted directly? The misleading message of plan and carry out more attacks. to remain focused and vigilant, that we message to the student body. groups like BAMN is intended only to One bright spot in this murky leftist may continue the bipartisan support of As the reality of the conflict comes manipulate the current crisis for the rhetoric, however, is the response from our government in all its actions. As many into perspective, a sense of purpose is benefit of an extremist ideology that even students on campus. The goal of these on campus are beginning to realize, the emerging. With this, the desire of leftist many liberals find unpatriotic and protests is to get extremist me5sages to war on terrorism will not be won by groups to use this emotion as a means of unpalatable. the student body. This seems to be failing. confusing the American public with leftist spreading a message that seemingly calls The use of this crisis to draw Nods of disapproval and looks of nonsense, but by the unity of the people for peace is becoming clear. This "peace" attention to other issues has led many confusion have been a casual reaction to behind the nation and its military.Mt ." '. " ·· -sys"fems ' for electronic exchange (such as e-mail, Michigan Student Assembly sent eight IRC, Usenet News, World ...z,.oo ~':"---" delegates to the Association of Big Ten Wide Web, etc.); for Schools Conference. Nolan, Cash and six example, you shall not send other MSA members left Thursday forged electronic mail, mail October 4th and traveled to the University that will intimidate or harass of Minnes ota. "ABTS gives us an other users, chain messages opportunity to sit down, talk through that can interfere with the things we do on our campus and come efficiency of the system, up with ideas to address these issues," said mass mailings not related to Nolan. "It is more or less an info-sharing the topic(s) of the addressed sessIOn. . " group(s), or promotional Tradi tionally, MSA pays for the mail for profit-making delegates to attend the conference. This purposes." That being the year, the assembly allocated $2,000 to pay policy, students not for th ree nights in a hotel, two rental vans involved with MSA should and a number of other incidental costs. not be receiving campaign Besides networking and other emails. expected events, a number of allegations Moreover, this action have arisen regarding MSA's delegation also comes dangerously to ABTS. close to infringing the MSA The confe rence consists of four policy on campaigning: sessions, each one addressing a specific "The Assembly and/or area of student government. its subsidiary bodies will not A number of the delegates, including endorse,subsidiz~, or MSA President Matt Nolan, VP Jessica campaign inany mannerJor 'The van was retruned with this damage. Cash and Student General Council John any candidate,' slate, or Carter, skipped the fourth issue session. party nor will they give the appearance of Rachel Fisher, a former U-Dem Party MSA Representative Zack Slates got in "Attendance wasn't necessary at all endorsing, subsidizing, or campaigning in MSA candidate and Peace and Justice co an accident on the way back to Michigan. sessions," explained Cash;" b~t it's any manner for any candidate, slate, or Chair, made the first allegations of "When he was on the way back, he expected they are doing something relevant p~ft y. As such, MSA facilities and drinking. Her feelings were echoed by ran into something and thought it was a for what they are supposed to be at the meetings of MSA andlor its subsidiary other delegates. minor thing and brought it back. When conference for. " Everyone did not hold bodies , cannot be used to aid in "A number of ABTS delegates, he turned in the van, the van people told this view. campaigning. " including Matt Nolan and Jessica Cash, him it was cool and he left." "It Was my understanding that our This trip was paid for by the MSA, appeared to be under the influence of As for the second van, Nolan denied attendance was required at all the issue and under this rule critics charge that alcohol at our formal dinner Friday night, any accident. sessions," said Students' Rights co-chair members of the group should not be although I don't know what, if anything, "On the other van we didn't know of Robert Goodspeed. allowed to campaign during MSA they had to drink before," said any damages. We think it was done in the According ' to Cash, the fourth issue sponsored activities, let alone while they Goodspeed. . [Thrifty] parking lot after we turned it in." session was about freshman involvement, were evidently skipping an event. Both Nolan and Cash denied these Thrifty explained that the vans were and she feels the Michigan Student "I had a little extra time so I decided allegations, but admitted , to drinking on not inspected until after they were checked Assembly has that under control. Instead to send out,the emai!," said Cash. "I the trip. in, but that the da.maged definitely of attending, Cash explained that the Blue realize it wasn't completely appropriate but "During the night, when students got occurred on the road and not in their Party delegation, Nolan included, was it's been done before." together, we partied," said Nolan. "Never parking lot. The Thrifty employee added privately meeti~g with some members Other members of the, MSA felt that at any point were we intoxicated, as it that although they vans were checked in, from Penn State. Nolan explains the Cash's action, though not necessarily would be highly unprofessional." that it does not absolve the renters of any absence differently. prohibited, wasn't suitable for the ABTS "At the conference there are lots of liability. "I was having a meeting with the chair conference. social things," said Cash. "But we're Zack Slates, who refused to. offer any of the Association of Big Ten Students; "I don't think campaigning while college students. When the time was details of the actual nature of . the he does a lot of stuff with the recreational attending the conference violates the appropriate, yes , there was some accidents, said they knew both vans were sports program in Illinois. We had a one code," said Goodspeed, "but I think drinking." damaged when they were turned in. on ,one conversation about rec sports on campaigning during the ABT$ conference "I sat with both Matt and Jessica at Nolan said he was talking with Thrifty campus at U-M." is in bad taste." . . the formal dinner," explained Justin regarding liability and insurance. Evidently, the Blue Party delegation Greg Hayes went further to say, "The Zartman, President of Penn State. "From "We're trying to figure out what is also used this rime to 'spam' campus with mass email sent by members of the Blue my knowledge and observation, neither covered by insurance. We hope the em ails recruiting students to "run with Party was inappropriate, and violates MSA of them were drunk." University's i'nsurance will cover Blue" in the upcoming MSA election. Not policy as far as I understand it." On top of the alleged drinking and everything. " only does t'his action violate the Altho,!gh debate can be had about the spamming, two rental vans were involved There are some questions as to . Information Technology Department's MSA policy, Cash's actions were clearly in two separate accidents over the whether the students sent to these policy regarding 'spam' emails, but it also in violation of ITO policy. weekend trip. conferences should even be participating creates an unnecessary disturbance for "I got an email from ITO (about the "The front bumper on one van was in partying and alcohol consumption. many students. .. spam)," said Cash. "I honestly think it's really smashed-in on the silver van," Because the MSA is funded yearly by the "We get enough e-mail as is, nobody something I probably shouldn't have done. explained a Thrifty Car Rental employee. $5.69 fee added to students' bills, the wants 12 of them," said Engineering Rep. But there are people that are trying to make "The other had a lot of damage on the students of the U-M technically footed the Greg Hayes. " T~at's what I got." Another a big deal out of it because it's political." passenger door. You couldn't miss it. We $2,000 for this conference. student reported getting 39 copies of the In addition to the email controversy, would never rent a car with this much "I believe that going on the ABTS same email. there have also been allegations of the damage. ". The Dodge dealership gave a conference is a privilege, and we should The ITO policy was created as a delegates consuming alcoholic beverages quote of over $3,000 to fix the two vans. treat it with respect," said Goodspeed. "It guideline for responsible computer system during the trip. Some delegates allegedly Nolan and the other delegates made no took many students' fees to send us ~ere, usage: attended the formal dinner, an official mention of the accidents until confronted and I would hope that the delegates treat "To respect the intended usage of ABTS event, inebriat~d. with the allegations. Nolan explained that it seriously." ~ Ipage 8 1'IIB IDCBIOAII REVIBW - CAJfPVS U'AIRS October 17, 20011 Accomplishments Many, Po liti c S-----Stiffk-'-·- Bollinger's Brief Tenure at the U-M By BRAD SPRECHER biotechnology corridor. Although the agreement with the militant and interest in first amendment free speech money for the Life Sciences effort will be unscrupulous Workers' Rights Coalition. issues (he has written two very influential TER FIVE SHORT years as shared with other state institutions, the When it became known that Michigamua, books on the first amendment within the President of the University of U-M's allocation will 'serve to shore up its one of Michigan's premier secret societies past 15 years). Bollinger has repeatedly Al ichigan, Lee C. Bollinger has own biomedical program. A new, six story had persisted in making derogatory use said that access to the University is access decided to return to Columbia University, Life Sciences Institute, under construction of Native American paraphernalia in its to a broad public dialogue-a meeting of where he studied law,to serve as its 19,h at Palmer and Washtenaw, will house new rituals, the minds and president. medical research labs and provide spa<::e Bollinger the swapping With all the commotion that has for classrooms designed not only to teach defended the of ideas. He accompanied Bollinger's parting, many students the fundamentals of natural free speech contends that students are left wondering what the fuss science, but also to formulate and answer righ ts of the th e is all about. Aside from scanning the Ivy some of the ethical and philosophical society, but sat educational League papers for presidential want-ads, questions that will accompany advances by while their experience IS arranging the office furniture to deter in biotech capabilities. perennial most complete student protesters, and hitting rich alumni But students will never remember the U n ion when diverse up for cash, many are pl.lzzled as to what countless back-room deals and conference occupancy segments of the President does each day inside the thick calls the President made to raise support rights were society are walls of the Fleming Administration for his initiatives. For most students ~ the revoked. He brought Compound. When one examines Lee President's most memorable gesture ' also came together to Bollinger's tenure, he discovers that the occurred on a blustery foo~ball Saturday under fire a share their President's work, both in and out of the in November of 1997. That day, Mr. year and a half· special office, has made a tremendous impact on Bollinger opened the doors of his South ago, when knowledge. As student life at the University. His ardent U. mansion 'and invited the throng of conservative an educator, defense of race preferences aside, the students, cheering on his lawn, to come candidates for Bollinger's President's efforts to preserve and enhance inside and celebrate. So many were the the U-M desire to best excellence at the University are easy to muddy fe et that trampled his pristine Regent spoke teach his recognize and appreciate, and he will carpets, that the floor coverings had to be out against students is surely not be missed. completely replaced. Students shot David Halperin's controversial English noble, although misguided. His desire to It is little surprise that the likes of pictUres with the "prd' and even shared class, "How to be G~y." In the midst of create equity on campus is admirable, but Harvard and Columbia should come to beer from his 'fridge. It was a day in which the criticism, Bollinger spent a good deal his methods are flawed. Sadly, the lure the President from this campus. His the normal barriers that come between of time defending the ca'urse as integral admissions policies he has defended focus credentials are strong and his people on campus were eradicated. to understanding the ways in which only on one type of diversity: that of skin accomplishments many. After law school, He also recently invited students to humans create their identity. Bollinger also tone. Little attention has been given to Bollinger became a clerk for U.S. Supreme his hous<; to talk about the recent terrorist took the brunt of the criticism for allowing the ideals of intellectual or ideological Court Justice Warren Burger, and later attacks. Each year he encourages a select the Athletic Department to erect yellow diversity. The University takes great pains came to Michigan's Law School to serve few students to attend a presidential aluminum siding on the football stadium. to advance the agenda of those segments as professor and "fireside chat," in After receiving countless letters from of society that would subvert or reject Dean. After a short which he fields outraged alumni, Bollinger announced that traditional values. The inclusive "dialogue" stint as the Provost Aside from scanning the Ivy student questions. the "halo," as it had become known, would of Bollinger's University invites every voice of Dartmouth He stays in regular come down. to the table, so long as those voices are College, Bollinger League papers for communication The longest and most contentious equally as interested in rejecting the time became Michigan's presidential want-ads, with the MSA, and debate during Bollinger's administration honored notions of truth and justice. 12'hpresident in arranging the office furniture has continually has involved the University's affirmative Bollinger's administrative skills, his 1996. During his weighed ' in on action policies. Four years ago, the Center interpretat,ion of "diversity" and his presidency the to deter student protesters, student issues such for Individual Rights filed two class action staunch defense of affirmative action have University has grown and hitting rich alumni up as the relocation of lawsuits against the University's race:: based made him a prime presidential candidate and flourished. for cash, many are puzzled as the Tower Societies, admissions programs. Although both the for the liberal bastions of Harvard and Since he took office, student drinking first suit, filed against the College of LSA Columbia. At Michigan, students will the U-M has to What the President does (especially following in October of 1997 and the second suit, miss his eloquent speeches, his congenial experienced an each day inside the thick the alcohol-related brought against the Law School two nature, and his ability to rally influential unprecedented walls of the Fleming death of LSA months later, were filed after Bollinger alumni to support his academic initiatives. number of freshman Courtney became President (in February of that But although we might admire his efforts applicants (24,000 Administration Compound. Cantor in 1998), year), one may speculate whether the to preserve the University's status as a for this fall) while the and safety at the Regent's decision to select a lawyer to head premier academic institution, we may do University's Naked Mile. the institution was in anticipation of . well to replace the President's consistent endowments have swelled to $3.6 billion As do all leaders, President Bollinger impending legal action. As the chief. utopian efforts at· social engineering, (4rth largest among public institutions). has had to bind together various and defendant in the tWo cases, Bollinger has whatever the cost. In the last year, Mr. Bollinger has opposing interests at the University and spoken repeatedly and consistently in In the world of academia, perhaps the helped orchestrate an extended carefully steer a "middle" course through defense of racial preferences as an conservative can only hope for a partnership between the University and several volatile sensibilities. And, of appropriate means of redressing past University president with exceptional the esteemed Royal Shakespeare course, the President's efforts have not discrimination and creating a rich learning talent and virtue, regardless of his liberal Company. The President has argued always been highly appreciated. Factions environment. ideology. At Michigan we have had such successfully for funds from the Michigan's within the University have criticized him The President's defense of these a president, but we will not miss him once tobacco settlement to develop a statewide for hesitating to sign an anti-sweatshop policies seems to stem from his strong he is gone. Mt IOctober 17, 2001 TBB IDCBJOAlI REVIBW - CAIfPl1S g,AIRS Page 9 Affirmative Action: Definitive Primer All the facts you need to know to understand the lawsuits By GEOFF BROWN ruled for the plaintiff in Grutter, holding that diversity was not, in fact, a compelling "The 'difficulty of this task was perhaps best NE OF THE most hotly state interest, and issued an injunction debated issues on campus is prohibiting the Law School from summarized by the Fifth Circuit in United States O affirmative action and the considering race in its admissions admissions lawsuits pending against the decisions. Both cases have been appealed v. City ofMiami [ ... ], which stated: 'We frankly University of Michigan. Jennifer Gratz, to the United States Court of Appeals for admit.that we are not entirely sure what to make an unsuccessful LSA applicant for the the Sixth Circuit, which will hear oral 1995 Fall Term, and Patrick Hamacher, arguments for both cases on Tuesday, of the various Bakke opinions. In over one an unsuccessful LSA applicant for the Octobet 23rd. While Judge Friedman 1997 Fall Term, filed Gratz v. Baitinger in denied a stay, pending appeal, of his order hundred and fifty pages of United States Reports, October 1997. Barbara Grutter enjoining the Law School from using race unsuccessfully applied for admission to as a factor in its decisions, the Sixth the Justices have told us mainly that they have the Fall 1997 entering class of the Law Circuit did grant such a stay, and the Law agreed to disagree. '" School, and subsequently filed Grutter v. School has not, therefore, yet been forced Baitinger in December 1997. Both cases to alter its procedures. - Judge Friedman were filed in federal court in the United It is, to. say the least, somewhat States District Court for the Eastern unusual to see a situation where the same District of Michigan, and each alleged court (albeit acting through two different of the various Bakke opinions. In over one comprised of Justices Stevens, Rehnquist, that the U-M's use of race as a factor in" judges) has issued decisions to the same hundred and fifty pages of United States Stewart, and then-Chief Justice Burger, admissions violated both Title VI of the University that send completely different Reports, the Justices have told us mainly held that Title VI of the 1964 Civil Rights 1964 Civil Rights Act (which prohibits messages. Perhaps even more interesting that they have agreed to disagree."'). In Act prohibited UC-Davis from using race recipien ts of federal funds from is that the two judges arrived at their Bakke, a white male who had in its admissions decisions since it discriminating on the basis of race) as opposite conclusions using the same unsuccessfully applied to the University received federal funding; another group well as the plaintiffs' rights to equal case-the landmark Supreme Court case of California-Davis medical school filed of four justices (Brennan, White, protection under the Fourteen th of Regrnts ofthe University of California v. suit against the University in state court Marshall, and Blackmun) concluded that Amendment to the U .S. Constitution. Baklte(wherein the plaintiff challenged UC alleging that the University's use of race Title VI and the Constitution allow the While the suits are very similar in their Davis's Medical School admissions policy in admissions decisions, coupled with its use of race to remedy past racial prejudice, claims, their outcomes were dramatically setting aside a number of seats as -as practice of reserving 16 seats in each class so long as "it acts not to demean or insult different. A different district judge their rationale. for minority student only, was any racial group." Since neither side decided each case; in December 2000, Bakke is a particularly difficult case discriminatory. The trial court found in constituted a majority, the opinion Judge Patrick Duggan decided for the U to figure out (as Judge Friedman notes in favor of Mr. Bakke, and the California authored by Justice Powell acted as a tie M in Gratz, holding that the diversity is his opinion: "The difficulty of this task Supreme Court both upheld the decision breaker-on the one hand, he sided with "a compelling governmental interest ... was perhaps best summarized by the Fifth and enjoined the University from ever justifYing the use of race as one factor in Circuit in United States v. City ofMiami [ 'using race in its admissions decisions. On Continued AFFIRMATIVE the admissions process ... "; In March ... ], which stated: 'We frankly admit appeal to the Supreme Court, the Court 200 I, District Judge Bernard Friedman that we are not entirely sure what to make found itself sharply divided: four justices, ACTION on Page 11 determine an event's appeal. Theater six months later at a cost of $30 Netter is worried, however, that UAC Motioning to s1:acks of returned per ticket. simple budget cuts wiJI do little to fix UAC's Continued from Page 1 surveys on the table in front of him, UAC exists to provide entertainment underlying problem: its operating budget But the Dick show qualifies as a big Netter recited the two questions the to students at a low cos t, said Netter. has remained constant since 1985. Each loss. "It just wasn't well-attended," said surveys ask students: Would you see this "We're charging students a much lower student pays $2 per semester, giving UAC Netter, blaming the poor attendance on comedian perform at Hill Auditorium? cost than they would be charged had the $175,000 per year. With inflation, "bad luck." "It happened to be a really and How much would you pay? The "No" act come somewhere in Detroit. And it's explained Netter, their purchasing power cold night, there were no door-ticket pile is large, but it is matched by an equally closer." has decreased greatly, while committees sa les, and Andy Dick wasn't all that sizable "Yes" pile. Yet, since it is difficult to estimate a have become more active. popular." "We're making sure," he continued, show's actual operating cost, organizers "There's no reason why any University Michigan Student Assembly President "before we agree to bring in any large act, sometimes undercharge, causing larger entity should go 15 years wi thout having Matt Nolan, who did not attend the Dick that it will sell a suitable number of than-normal losses. "On very rare its budget changed," he said. "The Andy show, agrees. "If it had been a free tickets. " occasions, something's going to go wrong, Dick show obviously didn't help things out, showing of Andy Dick, I still wouldn't have Sitting just next to the two piles, and you're going to lose money, which is but it's a problem that would have risen, gone," he said. though, is a single "Yes" outlier. This just the way things go sometimes," said regardless. " Last year UAC had no way to gauge student indicated he would only pay $5 Netter. Nolan believes that a budget increase interest in possible events. Netter does for a ticket, Netter explained, but UAC UAC is trying to cut spending, said would let UAC "bring in better performers not know how last year's committee chairs must charge $20 per ticket to break even Netter. For instance, groups can no longer to campus." decided what acts to bring in, but "I know at Hill. "So it really doesn't count as a put up their own posters; all publicity is Recent graduate Jeffrey Wank, who they didn't require market research," he 'yes.'" going under the direction of the marketing organized the two shows, faced a said. It appears, then, that UAC really is president. disciplinary hearing and was removed "This year we have a set of guidelines trying to make up for its past mistakes. A "We're not letting groups use Kinko's from his posts as chair of Laughtrack and that have to be followed strictly before a ticket to last year's Chappelle-Breuer show anymore, 'cause goodness knows they take Comedy Company. show will be considered," he said. New cost just $10, which UAC officials admit everyone's money,» he added. "He wasn't allowed to put together policies include running informal focus was far too low. In comparison, Chappelle It is also seeking advertising revenue any other big events the rest of the year," groups and conducting surveys to gave a solo performance at Detroit's State for the first time. said Netter. Mt rom the shadowy world of trendy Ann Arbor coffee bars to the mean streets of upper-middle class Grosse Pointe, Apple Pie is the sto-ry of the triumph of the human spirit in the face of some pretty normal, everyday, ordinary stuff. The Observer & Eccentric: "Mazzotta writes in a fast and breezy - style, so there's rarely a dull moment in Apple Pie ... Apple Pie will hit the tl spot. " The Michigan DaUy: "a comedic look at college ...... • I I life ... satirical commentary reigns • I " • . . . supreme and dares the reader not to tl .. • .. _ •• f laug h out loud ... " • • I · . . ·• ,tt ' The Daily Helmsman: •• .- .. I "laugh-out-loud funny ... both realistic • and humorous ... as endearing as it is funny" The State News: "college students can relate to some ofthe events at the Dav-id Mazzotta university ... Mazzotta manages to make the situation humorous" **Askfor Apple Pie at Barnes & Noble or Border's** Visit www.ReadApplePie.comfor more information The youngest son of successful Korean immigrants, Alex Kim is less concerned with discovering his ethnic heritage than reminding everybody that he is an American. He's no Asian Whiz Kid, just an average student trying to make his way through the University of Michigan in a dreary reality of nerdy roommates, a lousy part-time job, and a remarkably reticent girlfriend. As Alex's stultifying life closes in on him, an opportunity to break away presents itself - embodied in the mythically beautiful, if somewhat dogmatic, Naomi. Alex carpes the diem, as he might say, and leads us on a comically wry journey through every form of silliness college life has to offer as he tries to make sense of his place in the universe without "swirling down the metaphysical toilet bowl." The Definitive Novel of Ann Arbor ------~~~-..- IOctober 17. 200 1 TBB IIICB1GAlf RBVIBW - ,BATURBS Page 11 1 The Day Bacardi Saved My Life By JON BOOK commuted to school. This was a little tiring know if it was the amount I took in, or if choking on sweetened condensed milk! at times, but it was coolin the long-run. I just swallowed wrong because I felt that What kind of obituary 'do you get for this? ellow Michigan Review readers, do Anyway, the event in question happened substance just gluing to my throat on the Oh man, what an ass I made out of you remember that assignment in one late September day when I decided way down. It was going down hard, like a myselfl" But that's beside the point. Fhigh school where you had to write to do some grocery shopping. huge lump, like if I swallowed a ping-pong Where were we? Oh yeah, I was a company and see if they would send you I'm a guy with some rather quirky bailor something. I struggled to get the choking to death. So, I realized I had to free stuff? Me neither. But I always thought impulses, and this particular clay I had an glue-like substance down, and as I did, I do something fast, or I would be dead. I it would be fun if someone would write a in tens.e desire realized thought to myself, "How do I clear up a liquor company and see what they would to drink a can something. , thick gluey substance in my throat?" I send. Ah, to be nostalgic about the days of sweetened " Hey thought back to high school chemistry of high school. I mean, when Will I ever condensed milk Jon, you class, trying tothink what could break this have a chance to do an assignment like (hey, don't tell mig h t crap up. Then, I remembered something: that again? Hmmmm. When indeed? It's . me you never want to alcohol has both polar and non-polar times like this when working for the ' thought about try and chemical properties, thereby giving it '" Michigan Re~iew really becomes worth the it!). So I got breathe incredible abilities as a solvent. effort . .Call it a human interest story, or . home, and the ,. o r But where to find alcohol at that call it a chance to get cool .stuff from a first thing I dia .' ~" moment? That was when I looked to the liquor company, but I'm going to send this was crack open $0, I counter and found it: a pint bottle of Ron letter off to Bacardi Inc. and see what they that can and got tried it, Bacardi Silver! I had to act! I unscrewed have to say back. Maybe if they respond, readY~'tod~ink. and low the cap as quickly as I could, and took a you might hear about it in a future issue. I tipped the and mighty pull on that bottle. Almost instantly By the way, thestory is real. It happened can, parted my behold I the sweetened condensed milk started to to me last, $epte~ber. You can't make up lips and let that discovered break up, and my epiglottis became embarrassment this bad. sweet gO.oey that the unglued. I could breathe! I was saved! All stuff slowly sweetened thanks to Bacardi. AA tells people that '.P' Dear Bacardi Inc.: ooze into my condensed alcohol destroys lives, but alcohol saved · mouth. milk had my life. Thank you Bacardi. May you Normally I use your product $wee~~ned condensed milk is really, really glued my epiglottis shut. I struggled and make your wonderful product for years recreationally, but something happened to thick, and it flows really, really slowly, so struggled to breathe and could barely take to come. ~ me a year ago today that changed the way I should have seen it coming. I in any air and could hardly breathe out. I I'll think of Bacardi forever. I'm a 22-year accumulated a huge glob of the stuff in couldn't f"**ing believe it! I was~hoking Sincerely, old college student from Michigan. At the my mouth, and then I swallowed hard. to dtath on a semi-solid! I kept"thlnking;' Jonathan H . Book, Southfield, Mi.: . _". )I " ' . , time, I was living with my brother and It tasted great for a second, but I don't "Man! How embarrassing isch,is?J'm ':.;.\ i' :.:':' n, . "C · 1 h';- .' " --- -. -d'~ " ··t' ·. '; Affirmative · ertaln y samet Ing nee-. S (f Action 'h Continued from Page 9 be done about 'Bakke."" the Stevens group insofar as agreeing that interpreted as "implicit approval" of the Certainly this leaves something of a . directionthac is rriiu,"ky at' best.lf~e U ! UC-Davis's policy of setting aside a quota diversity conclusion, a conclusion which legal quagmire, one that the Sixth Circuit M admissiollscases havedone'nothitig of seats to be filled by minorities was led Duggan to rule that diversity was in will soon step in to resolve. Howeve~, else, they have, ' at least, brought to the illegal, and on the other hand, he sided fact a compelling state interest allowing regardleSs of which view the Sixth Circuit forefront the fact that attempting to find with the Brennan group in reversing the LSA to use race in its admissions policies. takes, the matter may not, in fact, be the law created by Bakke is a task fraught California Supreme Court's injunction Granted, Duggan is quite co~rect in stating settled. The U.S. Court of Appeals for the with peril. It is one thing for two district forbidding the university to ever use race that, from a.~rtain standpoint, it is just Fifth Circui~, in Hopwood v. State ofTexas, judges in different districts within the in its decisions. as easy v.) ' i ~ ~erpret silence as implicit decided in 1996, also held that diversity same circuit hearing similar cases to arrive Groups looking to uphold race-based approval 'as it is to interpret it as implicit was not a compelling state interest, using at differing interpretations of the law; it affirmative action repeatedly cite Bakke disapproval'. Certainly in a case that the reasoning (which Judge Friedman is quite another for district judges in the as binding precedent, when, in fact, no features a majority opinion, it might be relied on in his opinion in Grutter) that same district hearing virtually identical cases majority opinion was handed down. Judge feasible to find implicit approval for a by agreeing explicitly with parts of Pow-ell's to arrive at markedly different conclusions Friedman therefore correctly noted in majority viewpoint in a concurring opinions, but remaining silen t OIJ- the regarding the law. This is to say nothing Grutu-rthat he was thus "faced with the opinion where t~ere is no explicit diversity issue, the Brennan group of the fact that two federal circuits are taskofpiecing together the [ . . . ] opinions disapproval. However, Bakke is a case "implicitly rejected" that part of Powell's now similarly divided on the same issue. to determine Bakke's holding." Friedman' withGut a majority opinion. It is a case opinion. The Ninth Circuit, in Smith v. Assuming that the non-prevailing parties pointed out that Justice Powell's opinion featuring pl~ralities, and in trying to piece University ofWashington, decided in 2000, in these suits will take the cases to the was' the only one that concluded that t:ogetQe~ a llolding, it is a dangerous held the opposite, that diversity is in fact Supreme Court following the Sixth diversity was a compelling state interest, pt'QP()siti.c?~ .to assume approval from a compelling state interest. Whichever Circuit's ruling, one can only hope that Protest .Doubleheader , Conservative. Minutemen, YAF Provide Ratia~al. f Discourse-----~ ,",/ By JOSEPH MICHALSEN megaphone of a group willing to use any means necessary. "YAP is basically a rri6biie Fourth of July Parade." HE MINUTEMEN OF the "YAF waved American flags, sang . University of Michigan chapter of national anthems, wore red, white, and T the Young Americans for Freedom blue ribbons, and held up ~igns expressing (YAP) heeded'the call to show student our pride for our.countryand our support support of the ongoing conflict involving for the United States invo~vement in this the U.S. led anti-tetrorism efforts across international effort against terrorism," said the globe. Amash. Additionally one YAFer flew a The call to show support was sent out Uoited States Navy fiag.in.proud supf!9rt shortly after U-M students stumbled into of the men and. women serving overse~, class Monday, OCt. 8th, only to be With the ffrst YAF-ledchult of bombarded by suspicious chalkings in "USA!" the scene began Jo g~ tr()Wd" nearly every classroom, all calling for .an Various shouting matches. ensued. and "Emergency Rally to end the War" at 1100n Tiana Walsh, a YAF supporter,· argued on the Diag. The messages were placed by intensely with peoplesuppotringBAM~, the Coalition to Stop Scapegoating and the culminating with a confrontatioh with War, a hastily constructed extension of the BAMN figurehead, Luke Massi<:. Coalition to Defend Affirmative Action Before long, a modest crowd .had ~Integration and Fight for Equality By gathered,. including students and faculty, .. Any Means Necessary (BAMN). DPS and roughly ttm consttUc;tion workers S~ing a definite negative response t() on their lunch~brea'k. Channd~7 Action the recent U.S:-led airstrikes of News WXYZ-Detroit filmed the face-off Afghanistan's Taliban regime and the an1,later aired interviews with Peter Ape!, terrQrists. themselves, Peter Apel and Chip l4ffe Massie and the construction party of another, the U.S. to the Taliban, a After being denied the to justifY the actions taken earlier that day military response was and is the only use of BA¥N's megaphone. by the American g()vernment., . acceptable way to attempt to bring the YAF's smaller numbers Soon, mingling 6ccurred between the members of both Al~Qteda and the Taliban continued to drown out two groups and dialogues were had for a BAMN's chanting with short time. All the while, the flags Were to justice. With that, YAF stood defiant, additional chants and flown high, and the YAFers never let down defending our nation's actions throughout singing. "God Bless their guard. the day and night. On-scene acttvities America~and "The Star During this brief interchange, indicated that each YAF gathering was Spangled Banner" were sung literature was handed to YAF from the successful. During the noon hour, YAF . with great reverence. "peace activists" running the rally. The garnered the majority of the smiles, cheers BAMN gave up after literature called for, "the trial of U.S. and fist-pumps from the crowd passing by. forty minutes of attempting officials -responsible for atrocities," In the evening, YAF member Chip to connect two separate essentially referring to grievances of the Englander was kept busy collecting issues: prejudice at home Third World. The literature :Uso argued information from the constant flow of and our war against .terror. that any danger of harm to civilians is too passersby desiring to join Young Americans "Unfortunately for BAMN, great to warrant military action. for Freedom after witnessing the rally. l\R campus to show support for our nation and we seek justice against Al-Qaeda and the This literature was almost as anti., our nation's actions. According to Justin Taliban, not Muslims, Arabs or Mghanis American as BAMN . Six Amash, an LSA senior and YAF member, living among us or abroad,"Amash added. thousand American "YAF works to counterbalance the anti Before aU left, many had pledged to cinzef1.s~ru.' weRas citizens American, anti-war protesters on the return to the flagpole at 7 pm to once again from many other nations, Diag."• show support for the United States in the had their lives unfairly At noon, two distinct camps were face of yet another antt-American r;:dly. snuffed ol1t by 19 present on the Diag. There were Once again the call was made,afid for the madmen. The leader of approximately tWenty BAMN members and second time that day, members of the these :men is known, his supporters on the western steps of the Grad Young Americans for Freedom answered location is known and the > .,..~ library. Gathered on the eastern steps were that call. infrasttUc~e that helped about fifteen YAF members arid also a few This evening, around· six sets of the the madmen b~co:me passersby who joined the protest of stars and stripes were flown aloft on efficient terrorists is in a BAMN's call fOf an end to the military twelve-foot poles. Posters were carried and place accessible not only operations in Mghanistan. mini-flags were waved. Thirty-odd to new recruits, but also The BAMN camp, armed with an members of YAF were present and to military forces of the United States seeking to illegal megaphone, a BAMN ~jgn and marched to the Diag. posters calling for peace, was comprised A much· quieter atmosphere pervaded provid continued security of this nation's borders. of many non~students and began to clutter in the evening than did in the afternoon. After an ultimatum the air with noise pollution at high noon. A red, white and blue line was drawn from one sovereign With that, YAF supporters began to telling the so-called "peace activists" to nationw;lS issued and formulate· their plan to counteract the "Stand with USA." The "'peace activists" ignQredhythe ruling pacifist sentiments coming from the even' allowed YAF to use their megaphone ----