Booze, Blues (Party) and Bumpers MSA Reps Allegedly Hit Bottle, Cars By MICHAEL SALTSMAN . • LLEGATIONS OF delinquency, . drunkenriess, and· illegal p.J ampaigning at the Michigan Student Assembly's recent trip to a national student government conference are causing a fracas. MSA President and Vice ' President, Matt Nolan and Jessica Cash, have admitted to using e-mail to campaign for the Blue Party while on the MSA· funded trip to the Association of Big Ten If these allegations are true, Schools Conference (ABTS) ~ a violation someone has a lot 0 of the University's guidelines for proper explaining to do... let's ~ computer usage, and a possible violation for their political futures that of MSA's election code. Nolan and Cash it's not though... ooops ... also admit to missing 25 percent of the conference's official issue sessions. Additionally, other representatives accused . Nolan and Cash of being obviously intoxicated at an official event, To top off the trip, both rental vans were returned with over $3,000 in damage. The weekend of October 5th, the Continued BOOZE on Page 7 MSA President Matt.Nolanand Butt~rShots at F~bruarY ABTS UAC Loses $34K on Comedy Shows Loss plunges Center into debt By MATIHEW S. SCHWARTZ • !&! performance by "Half Baked" Gom.edians Dave Chappelle and HE UNIVERSITY Jim Breuer, lost $12,000 despite Activities Center is nearly selling out Hill T reforming its spending Auditorium. The second, a ,show practiceS and putting "strict by Andy Dick, stat of MTV's market research policies" in place "The Andy Dick Show," sold after it lost $34,000 on two . fewer than half the seats in the comedy shows it produced last Michigan Theater, costing UAC year, UAC President Brian $22,000. Netter has told the Review. UAC, a studetlt~run These losses forced UAC .organization ' ,that provides into deficit spending, causing the programtnJng for the· student Center to end the year with a community, expects· to lose an debt of over $8,~00. UAC has average of $8,000 to $10,000 since signed a contract with the per show, said Netter. "We are University, promising to end the supposed to lose money," he year with a posi tive balance of said. "The idea is for us to $18,000. Despite Charging $15. dollars for tickets, .UAC's Laughtrack provide services for the student Although Netter expects to lost $22,00000 the Andy Dick Circus of Freaks body at a loss. Not at a big loss, meet that goal by year's end, he but at a loss." said that UAC will "fall further Both shows were produced combined with another . into the red before we end up in last fall by Laughtrack, a UAC committee to save operating Continued UAC on the black." committee that has since been expenses. The first show, a Page 9 • SERPENT'S TOOTH TIIF :\ 11('111<;\:\ J{FYI E\\ The letter sent to NBC headquarters the band Megadeath will surely be poised The campus Affairs Journal of in NY recently containing anthrax was for a mention in the news once more. the University of Michigan supposedly intended for Tom Brokaw. "YAF is buiclIo, 1/ ..."biil J..!J PII"",u.• Geez, we guess SOMEONE must've really hated "The Greatest Generation." We're surprised that Native American D.C. Lee activists haven't stepped-up their campaign iror-in-Chie against the Washington Redskins lately. however, as Bert would most likely have Supposedly, UAC is really in the red Considering that the Redskins are 0-4 and been executed by the Taliban due to his Matthew Franczak this year. It looks like they've been have been outscored 135 ... 25 in ~eir four homosexwU rel~tionship with Ernie, Publisher flushing their money down the same toilet . games so far, Native Americans that we've been flushing their fish. everywhere should be more embarrassed James J ustin Wilson than ever. ' Shortly af~er the picture became ssoc. Puhlisher. Man.aging Edilor public, Kei::mi tthe . Frqgwast\l$h~d to .the Ruben Duran The heavy metal band Anthrax is hospital: p~~torsdesCti bed.hi$ : q,ndi'tion CtJJ7Ipus A ffairs Edi lor considering changing their name due to .' Last week, it was announced .thar as Stal?Je; ·but :6tPt:essea c~niqn over his the recent anthrax scare. "What, like being . NBC had bought Hispanic broadcaster greenishcq.lor, fe3ritlg he might have been James Y. Yeh named after a biological weapon of mass Telemundo for $1.98 billion. Accordingly, the victim of a ·chemical weapons attack. Exccullve &bIOI' destruction and bovine disease never there is a new change fo.r the Fall Line­ Lookdike it really isn;t easy being green ... bothered them before? . Up: "Dateline: NBC" will be revamped, featuring a tramped-up Jane Pauley and NAT'L Aflo' ArRS ED: Brad Sprecher COpy EUITOR: PetuApel with Stone Phillips being replaced by a SENlOR EDITOR: MOlthew SchW1ll1z Incidentally, Anthrax's possible name sock puppet, El Senor Gufpe. A JediKnight believes that every life change due to the threat of biological form in the ·universe gives 'off a certai~ STAJoT WRrt'£RS: Adam Dancy, ChIp Englander, Jamif'er Lee. Dan l.e\i, Mlchlld VWiG'. <lIrW White, warfare is probably the first time the band energy, a~d •that the energy is called The Jared Sus, Joo Book, CeotI Brown, Nidt Prill. Matt has been mentioned in any news source After pictures of Bert (of "Sesame Force; a Jedi Knight also believes that each Martin, M1c:b8d SaItsmao, Jeapb MIc:haI.oim since 1987. Street" fame) and Osama bin Laden have Jedi should strive to control the Force, popped up during several pro-bin Laden The M/lChigan Rlm"w Is the indo:pcodcDl. JtudtnHun jour. thus making .this religion slightly less 11&1 or conJetVlIllve and hbclwmn opiruon III the Uruvenit)' rallies, several world news organizations' . kooky than Scientology, butslighdy more 0( MlChlpn. We lII!ither lOIicll nor ~pc mooctII/)' doaf,. Rest assured, however, should the have trying to contact the elusive lions (rom the U-M Conllibutloas \0 the Micbipn RIl_lIlw bt'en kooky thanJohrt Travolta in ."Look Who's an: w-dcdudiblf: unckr SectioD 501 (c)(3) of the InIUlUll possibility of nuclear war be imminent, muppet. They'll end up disappointed, TaiIQng Too." . Revmue Code. The Review is IlOl aITllillled with III)' poIitlcaI "-..- ', pany or Wllwc.f'SIly politicaJ croup. nsiprd edllOOllb reprtl<'nl the opinion 0( the edllonlll THE GoLDSTEIN FILEs bo:ud. l:.reo. the)' an: uMqU"oaIl), eomel and julI SiCned I lUtlCleS. \c1Jt:1$, and cartoons repn:5f:1II the opanicllu of the • :wtlxw and not IICCessanl)' Ihox 1)( the Re .. JC!W 1bc Serpent's TIIOIh iII.all rcpn:5f:nl the op<nlOll 0( Individual III'IOO)'I1lOUS contribulors 10 Ihe Rc\IJC .... and should not ~I)' be EPISODE 2 .. IT GETS UGLY IIIkrn lIS repn:5f:nlllUve 0( the R", "''''' cdJloriaI _ The rI oplnKllll ~SC!n l cd In this publi<:allon an: IlOl ncc:cu;u;1), thcHc o( the Itdverwcl1 or or the UDIWCrw.l), or Mldll"", We Ben -And This Guy Calls Us Ugly" HOT ...elcome !cIteD. wucles. and cornmc.n1J II.boul the JOUnW. Goldstein's now infamous two-pronged Edllonl1l o:at\oon~ eOUllCIY or the ltSSle EduCllllonal Foun­ ugly/dying attack on your valiant editors tLillOn (Il00) 767·2267 consisted, of coune, of a dying prong and Well. Yi'" JUre hope !hat '" halevcr i, pubhihcd WlthlD thIS an ugly prong. Having already parried the 9.9 Justin Wilson ruu.. o( the Re,,,, .. ~ not Pft'Chtdc us (rom (uwre IlIvlle) 10 ''\he While IIOU.!ir .. We v.ouldll·1 w:IIIl 10 mw OUI on the pointy, fondue-fork like jab at our keg or the en,~cml eonvcnAlion "Ith the "" Democrats on mortality by surviving to publish yet Managing Editor the frool JlO":h And )'cs, .. bale,.." IS published (breed)' 10 the left on t1us an.other issue of the Michigan RnJi~, we ;c it one-hundIW pcra:nllllXUlIIle. No results were fiu1ard now tum our attenDon to me accusation in the cre:alIOO o( ibIS lile. Md no (echnl' "'ere hun clther RJghl Ikn' Althoullh the WD)' I bear II ~ndy . Mr. mat the legends of our editorial staff's 9.9 D.C. Lee Goldstcin cr:u mon: u. IhwI 10I1e1 JIIlPCI WeJl done. m)' legendary good looks are somewhat (nend And In caw: you ""vcn'l notad. "'" ~ the sale overstated. Editor-in-Chief prier (Of the (oul1h. liM. ctc. Wuc:s this time. MIll )'011 Ire To Snd the truth of (he maner, we oin, 10 ~a1 lUI enllre IllICit. kttp In mind tNl (~Ion)' Edward .• dmrca ""II follow subscque.ndy Thank)OII turned to the impartial arbiter of all Norton? questions of personal appearances, PIclUC addn:» all ad~nl~In' . subJcnpuoo InqulrieJ. IIIId doIl.aIlotu \0 ""bUsher elo the \tlCh/J!1UJ Reu: .. www.hotornot.com. Here, random 5.7 Matt Franczak people gued deep into our souls and assessed our outer beaury on a 1 to 10 Publisher scale. And. as one can clearly see, the oracle of appearances has judged us to be -hot- and Goldstein to be, well, -noc. you As per his request, we will plug his 4.9 Ben "And This expect? column. So, nexc Thurscby if you're bored Guy Calls Us Ugly" He'. an Love us or hate us, [0 the poinr of considering self­ engineer. mutilation, in order [0 break the tedium, write us. put down thar scalpel and pick up the Goldstein l.at.en edition of Weak and Ere.