1
ABRA CA DEBRA
By Andrew Nicholls & Darrell Vickers
FADE IN:
EXT. BRAZELTON HIGH SCHOOL – DAY
4:00 p.m. outside the largest high school in Brazelton. A sign in the parking lot: DRIVER’S ED, Room 102.
Behind the sign: a CAR parked HALF IN THE FOUNTAIN.
We hear a perky, altogether likeable female VOICE:
DEBRA (O.S.) My name’s Debra and I think I speak for everyone here when I say road signs are confusing.
INT. SCHOOL - ROOM 102 – DAY
A classroom, after school. PAN 16-TO-18-YEAR-OLDS listening in confusion as the antic VOICE continues.
DEBRA (CONT’D) Like, “Hidden Intersection.” Why hide it, then tell people it’s there?
And we meet DEBRA DeLONG, a supremely confident 14, too young to be taking this class, and sitting squarely up front.
DEBRA (CONT’D) And “Runaway Truck Lane.” I understand carpool lanes but why encourage people to drive a runaway truck? Isn’t that what killed Wile E. Coyote? (hand-puppet roadrunner) Meep meep! Did you just love him? Not him; the other guy. The “Meep meep” guy; the chicken.
The INSTRUCTOR makes sure Debra has stopped talking. 2
INSTRUCTOR How old are you?
DEBRA I’ll be seventeen in three years. As long as I don’t get in that “runaway truck lane,” huh?
Debra ELBOWS the girl next to her, who spills her soda.
INSTRUCTOR You can’t drive.
DEBRA Duh. That’s why I’m here. (to person next to her) Can you drive?
The girl next to Debra shakes her head. Debra turns back to the instructor with an oversized “see?” gesture.
INT. SCHOOL - ROOM 103 – DAY
One classroom down. On the dry-erase board: “MAGIC CLUB.”
COOPER LUNSFORD, 14, sincere, adorable in a Michael Cera way, stands in an otherwise empty classroom beside a desk covered in MAGIC props. Cooper pretends to reach into an “Audience Member’s” pants with both hands.
COOPER Perhaps... this was your card!
Instead of a card, from his other curled hand he produces a pair of FLORAL UNDERWEAR.
COOPER (CONT’D) Oops! Must have reached too far into your pocket... (to himself) Everybody laughs...
The door to the next classroom opens noisily, OFF.
DEBRA (O.S.) You’re making a big mistake! I’m 3
a lawyer!
The interruption throws Cooper’s concentration.
INT. SCHOOL HALL - DAY
The instructor pushes Debra into the hall as she tries desperately to plead her way back in.
DEBRA Come on! I already have tons of driving experience, from holding the steering wheel while my mom’s putting on her makeup!
INSTRUCTOR You’re too young.
He closes the door.
DEBRA I just wanna learn, I’m not gonna do it! (at the closed door) I took German, that doesn’t mean I’m going to invade Poland!
Debra pouts and walks past Room 103. She stops.
INT. SCHOOL – ROOM 103 – DAY
WE SEE what Debra sees: Cooper’s producing colored SILKS from his mouth in a long string, piling them on the desk.
Debra walks into the room, entranced.
DEBRA Where did you eat?
Cooper chokes on the mouth coil. He spits it out. Having a pretty girl in front of him isn’t something that happens often for Cooper. He swallows hard.
COOPER Hi. Have you come to join the Magic Club? 4
Debra looks around the empty room.
DEBRA Sure you’ve got room for another member?
She reaches for something on the desk.
COOPER Don’t touch that! Some of these magic tricks are delicate.
DEBRA (unimpressed) These are magic tricks?
She picks up something and SHAKES it. Cooper has to take it off her. She looks around.
DEBRA (CONT’D) Where’s the white tigers and the disappearing Lear jet? You know, I saw this guy one time...
INT. STAGE – NIGHT (DEBRA’S FLASHBACK)
A tuxedoed MAGICIAN limberly places his leg up on a stage table and brandishes a big Lewis Carroll KNIFE and FORK.
DEBRA (V/O CONT’D) ... who ate his own leg.
TIPE CUT: the Magician swings his now-empty pant leg for the crowd’s applause, pats his stomach and hops off-stage.
DEBRA (V/O CONT’D) He barfed up a sock then hopped offstage. Do you do anything like that?
INT. SCHOOL – CLASS 103 – DAY
Cooper knows the stunt.
COOPER Sounds like a variation on the Disappearing Leg. Good trick, but 5
it’s six hundred dollars.
DEBRA This has a loose string...
COOPER Don’t pull that!
Debra pulls the string on a black BOX among Cooper’s paraphernalia.
As thick SMOKE starts to billow from the box, Debra observes:
DEBRA That looks like smoke.
Cooper panics, running around the room with the box, putting it under his shirt (no good), in the trash can (no good). The room fills with smoke. Cooper tries wafting it away with his hands. The SMOKE ALARM goes off.
The Driving Instructor runs in as the ceiling SPRINKLERS go off.
DEBRA (CONT’D) We were just leaving.
EXT. SIDEWALK – DAY
Cooper, wet and smoke-smudged, walks along the sidewalk carrying his magic suitcase, with silks and cards and wands sticking out. Debra, in the same condition, runs to keep up.
DEBRA I’m sorry! I’m Debra, by the way. It could have been worse; we’re just wet and smoky, it’s not like we were turned into zombies.
This non sequitur stops Cooper in his tracks.
COOPER WHAT?
DEBRA You, know, zombies. Arrgrlntrfpt! And people have to blow your head off to stop you from eating them? 6
COOPER I’ve never said this to a girl before, but would you mind leaving me alone?
DEBRA Oh crap, Dancy Cologne.
Debra straightens her hair. Cooper swivels. The snooty, beautiful-in-an-obvious-way DANCY COLOGNE, 14, approaches.
COOPER You don’t go to our school, how do you know Dancy?
Dancy, who knows very well she’s at the top of the teen food chain, saunters up them.
DANCY Miss DeLong.
DEBRA Miss Cologne.
COOPER Hi Dancy. Cooper Lunsford. I’m in your math and geography class and... you don’t care.
Dancy ignores Cooper and addresses Debra.
DANCY Well look at you. I see you got that part-time job dousing campfires. What are you doing way over here? Is your school having See-How-Normal-People-Behave Day?
DEBRA Oh look what I have in my purse.
Debra takes a rolled-up certificate from her purse. Dancy develops a slight tic in one eye.
DEBRA (CONT’D) Jeepers! It’s my certificate for 7
winning the 4th grade Spelling Bee. Now let’s see, who did I beat out for that?
INT. CLASSROOM – (FLASHBACK - 7 YEARS AGO)
Tiny 4th GRADE DEBRA proudly holds up the certificate while 4th GRADE DANCY screams and pounds her fists on the ground.
EXT. SIDEWALK - DAY
Cooper stares at the certificate in Debra’s hand.
COOPER You carry that around in case you run into her?
DEBRA The debate trophy’s too big.
Dancy’s eye tics but she suppresses it.
DANCY Speaking of “too big,” I’m having a party at the Jubilee Pavilion a week from Saturday. It’s too big for my house – which of course is enormous.
DEBRA (super sweet) Well, once you get over that eating disorder you will need someplace to put your humungous butt.
DANCY Everyone who’s anyone – meaning not you – is gonna be there. Apple, Saffron, Lavender...
Cooper looks back and forth as if watching a tennis match.
DEBRA Do you have any friends who aren’t named after deodorant flavors? 8
DANCY Goodbye, tragically sad, wet and uninvited person.
Dancy walks off. Cooper blinks.
COOPER So... did you guys go to school together or did you meet in the boxing ring?
DEBRA We have a history. I have to go.
COOPER I’m Cooper.
Cooper watches Debra stride determinedly off. His suitcase BLAMS open and a mattress-sized vinyl KING OF SPADES auto- inflates out of it, making a FARTING noise as it fills up.
INT. COOPER’S LIVING ROOM – DAY
Cooper, mostly dried, walks into his living room with the six- foot inflated playing card. He stares at...
... an ugly COUCH, covered in mud and branches.
COOPER Mom? Dad? Why is the Swiss Family Robinson’s couch in our living room?
OFFICER LUNSFORD enters, suited-up in his police uniform. He talks the cop talk – terse, no-nonsense – but he’s just a big friendly bear.
JACK LUNSFORD Evidence; ongoing investigation. No room in the police locker.
Cooper nods and looks at a white marble STATUE in the corner: a guy on a horse. Both rider and horse have CROSS-EYED expressions and lolling TONGUES painted-on by vandals. His father walks past the statue.
JACK (CONT’D) 9
When it isn’t senseless statue vandalism it’s illegal dumping down the ravine behind the chicken restaurant. Not even a bad- looking couch.
Cooper’s slightly ethereal MOM enters, wearing full camouflage.
GABBY LUNSFORD Yes it is, dear, and it has branches sticking out of it.
JACK LUNSFORD Proof of dumpage – they have to stay. (parting two branches) You can sit on it; I dusted for prints. Thought I had a good set. Turned out?
He shows a HANDPRINT on white paper: it’s an animal print.
JACK (CONT’D) Raccoon.
EXT. RAVINE – DAY (FLASHBACK)
A RACCOON sits comfortably on the couch, down in a filthy ravine, eating an egg.
BACK TO SCENE:
Cooper’s mom notes the inflatable King of Spades and reminisces.
GABBY Your father arrested a playing card once. It was twice that size and driving a stolen ice-cream truck.
COOPER (blurts) I need a hundred and seventy-five dollars to buy a magic trick.
Jack puts an arm around his son’s shoulder. 10
JACK In that case, son, I suggest you wait two weeks.
COOPER Cos I’ll have the money then?
JACK Nope. By then I figure you’ll be over this whole “magic” thing and you’ll find a real hobby.
GABBY (wistfully) Or a friend.
Cooper decides to ask:
COOPER Mom, why are you in camouflage?
GABBY I’m going on your father’s Special Ops, dear.
She snaps on INFRA-RED GOGGLES and looks at the couch.
GABBY (CONT’D) I’m hoping we either catch the perp or find a matching end-table.
EXT. COLOGNE MANSION – FRONT DOOR - DAY
Debra, a cap low over her eyes, wearing sunglasses, carrying a clipboard, rings the doorbell of the Cologne mansion. MRS. COLOGNE answers.
DEBRA Mrs. Cologne, good afternoon! I’m from Hackenbeckle Entertainment. “If it’s Hackenbeckle, It’s Entertaining.” With your daughter throwing the party of the year – nay, the century - we thought she’d want advice on some premium entertainment options. 11
MRS. COLOGNE I’m afraid my daughter’s not here.
DEBRA Oh darn, I missed her?
EXT. COLOGNE MANSION LAWN – 1 MINUTE AGO
Dancy walks away, past a HEDGE. With the coast clear, Debra tiptoes out from the hedge and makes a beeline for the door.
EXT. COLOGNE MANSION – FRONT DOOR - DAY
DEBRA You know what? Dancy’s so busy with her social life and dusting her Second-Place trophies and certificates, I bet she could use a little party-planning help from her super-hip mom.
Debra flashes her most innocent varsity smile.
MRS. COLOGNE What sort of thing does... Hackenbecker?... offer?
DEBRA Hockenbockler. How about a rock band with an incredible girl singer?
INT. STAGE – NIGHT (DEBRA’S IMAGINATION)
A ROCK BAND plays loud, with DEBRA up front singing.
EXT. COLOGNE MANSION – FRONT DOOR – DAY
Mrs. Cologne waves this suggestion away.
MRS. COLOGNE Too loud.
DEBRA A polka band with a girl accordionist? 12
INT. STAGE – NIGHT (DEBRA’S IMAGINATION)
In a weird ethnic headdress, Debra energetically plays accordion in a polka band.
MRS. COLOGNE (V/O) Too old-fashioned.
DEBRA (V/O) Scottish sword-dancing?
CUT TO: Debra crouch-dancing over crossed swords to a Highland Fling.
DEBRA (V/O CONT’D) Snake-charming?
Debra sits cross-legged playing a gourd “pungi” in a swami hat to a COBRA.
DEBRA (V/O CONT’D) Klezmer?
In a long grey beard and orthodox hat, Debra plays the violin.
EXT. COLOGNE MANSION – FRONT DOOR – DAY
Mrs. Cologne doesn’t like the suggestions but she is getting into the spirit of the thing.
MRS. COLOGNE I don’t want anything unless it’s magical!
SFX: DING! At the word “magic,” Debra’s face lights up.
INT. SCHOOL - CLASSROOM – NEXT DAY
A student passes a NOTE to Cooper’s English teacher.
TEACHER Cooper? Mr. Colby’s office.
Cooper looks up, shocked, as the students around him give a big you’re-in-trouble Woooooo.
INT. SCHOOL – HALL 13
Cooper shuffles anxiously down the hall.
COOPER You?
Debra pulls him away from the Principal’s door.
DEBRA This is important.
COOPER Why aren’t you in school?
DEBRA We’re celebrating Vegetarian Resource Day. I got us a gig!
COOPER (“Vegetarian what?”) A gig?
DEBRA It’s a showbiz expression that means work, or -
COOPER I know what a gig is!
DEBRA It’s the party of the year!
COOPER First of all, this “us” thing? There is no... (realization) Not Dancy’s party!
DEBRA Isn’t that perfectissimo? Miss Swanky-Snoot snubs you and you’re the hit of her soiree?
COOPER No, she was snubbing you. You’re the sad tragic wet one! 14
DEBRA You need a cute assistant! Come on! (to kids listening) I’m cute, right?
Cooper sees the PRINCIPAL coming down the hall, grabs Debra’s arm and pulls her into...
INT. SUPPLY CLOSET – DAY
... a small supply closet with the usual janitorial and classroom stuff on shelves.
DEBRA See, this is a better size for your Magic Club meetings...
COOPER Why me? You don’t even know me.
DEBRA It pays $400.
COOPER Really?
Intrigued, Cooper picks up a small object in a foil packet off a shelf and starts doing hand-pass-and-vanishes with it.
COOPER (CONT’D) With $400 I could buy nearly any trick in the magic store.
DEBRA See? I’m a really good business person! And a good assistant... and I also juggle! Da-da-DAH-DAH- da-da-da...
She picks three replacement DOORKNOBS off a shelf and “juggles” them, humming “CIRCUS MUSIC.” They crash to the ground.
DEBRA (CONT’D) If I have a little elbow room, I can do five. (his “prop”) 15
That’s a urinal cake, by the way.
He hot-potatoes it and drops it.
COOPER I can’t do it.
DEBRA It’s the perfect gig, it’s a lot of money... it’s revenge on that stuck-up pig who walked past you like you were stinky road kill! Why not??
COOPER (blurts) I’ve never performed in public.
SFX: SCHOOL BELL
EXT. SCHOOL PARKING LOT - DAY
Kids stream out of the school. Debra catches up to Cooper in the parking lot.
DEBRA You mean you just sit in that classroom every day and do card tricks for yourself?
COOPER (defensive) It’s called practice.
DEBRA How long you been practicing?
COOPER Two and a half years.
DEBRA Isn’t it time we showed the world what you can do? Come on, there must be something you need 300 dollars for!
COOPER 16
You said four hundred.
DEBRA I can’t go onstage dressed like this.
EXT. BUTTER & MOPE’S MAGIC-PORIUM – DAY
A storefront magic shop, with the usual wizard hats, cards, wands, etc, in the window. Cooper stares raptly at the large colorful ad in the window display for a life-sized GUILLOTINE TRICK, shown in a photo with a magician and his assistant.
COOPER I can’t afford any of the really great tricks. That’s okay; magic’s about practice, not a lot of showy stuff.
INT. MAGIC-PORIUM – DAY
A minute later, Debra and Cooper walk among shelves and racks of tricks, all in boxes / sealed bags.
DEBRA You’re fooling yourself, you know that? That’s why you’re sitting in a classroom alone.
COOPER I’m not always alone! (sheepish) Last year there was a kid named the Incomparable Biff.
QUICK INSERT: THE INCOMPARABLE BIFF: a pimply 13-year-old in an ear-flap hat, yellow rain slicker and a cape, holding a WAND.
BACK TO DEBRA:
DEBRA Magic’s about amazement and Wow! and happy applauding faces!
COOPER Faces don’t appl... 17
DEBRA Oooo how does this one work?
Debra has found a GOWN, which the artwork on the box leads one to believe magically changes colors. EDDIE RAZZNER, 19, skinny, fanatical, loud grating voice, leaps from behind the counter in his overlarge tuxedo with huge ruffled shirt and cuffs.
EDDIE Hey! Back away from the Mysterious Reversing Gown Trick!
DEBRA I was just wondering how it’s done...
EDDIE Of course you’re wondering! Everybody wonders! The original secret came directly from the ancient Orient, pal!
Cooper and Debra mouth “Pal?” to each other.
EDDIE (CONT’D) - that’s in the East, and if you don’t have 180 semoleons – that’s magicians’ talk for money – you can keep on wondering!
Cooper sees a copy of the artwork for the Guillotine trick.
COOPER Could I possibly take one of your big stage tricks –
EDDIE Like the Cloud Of A Thousand Doves? “Never was I so spellbound” – Gene Shalit.
COOPER ... something like that - and pay you for it after I get the money from my show next weekend?
DEBRA 18
Our show.
EDDIE Ahhhhhhh, you wanna put it on the Turnip Truck Plan.
COOPER Turnip truck?
EDDIE The one you obviously think I just fell off! What do I look like?
DEBRA A Las Vegas funeral director?
EDDIE We don’t offer credit, so you’ll have to go sob in someone else’s pickle barrel. (curious, to Cooper) You any good, kid?
DEBRA He’s the best! You should see him make thick black smoke in a classroom! He’s way better than the Incomparable Biff! He’s headlining at the super-exclusive Jubilee party Saturday!
EDDIE (rashly) I’m going to be at that! I go everywhere there’s magic!
DEBRA I doubt very much you can get into this party.
EDDIE Listen, sister, there hasn’t been a bouncer made that could keep Eddie Razzner out of a classy joint! Watch this!
With spastic flourishes Eddie produces from his sleeves: 2 19 bouquets of flowers, a deck of flying cards, a tinsel shower, flags, 2 paper doves, a cane, a few yards of rope, and two lit sparklers that fizz and pop as he finally stops.
Debra and Cooper stare in slack-jawed amazement.
EDDIE (CONT’D) See ya Saturday.
INT. COOPER’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Cooper does a cane-into-silks as Debra watches.
COOPER Ta dah! Then I call for a volunteer, you stand up...
He takes her hand and pulls Debra from the “audience.”
COOPER (CONT’D) We do a trick, folks are amazed, then I say “This isn’t really a stranger, meet my lovely assistant...”
DEBRA And I take 18 bows, right in Dancy Cologne’s smug, overprivileged Third-Grade-Mister-Bunn-Bunn- hogging face!
COOPER (dryly) You’re right, as long as it’s about the magic. Hey! With a ringer I can do the Amazing Appearing Card. Do you wear a bra?
Debra slaps him across the face.
COOPER (CONT’D) It could be in your shoe.
MONTAGE WITH MUSIC:
INT. COOPER’S BEDROOM 20
- Cooper holds one end of a thick rope, Debra holds the other. He throws a colored silk over the rope and wriggles it. Debra pulls the silk off: there’s a large colored TUBE around the rope.
- Cooper smilingly pours a pitcher of MILK into a cone of folded-up newspaper held by Debra. She SMASHES it prematurely with both hands: milk everywhere.
- Debra takes the lid off a wicker cobra-basket. A plastic SNAKE springs out, holding an Ace Of Spades in its mouth. Debra puts a hand to her mouth in exaggerated vaudevillian surprise.
- The rope trick again: Cooper covers the colored tube with the silk. Debra pulls it off: now there’s a roll of TOILET PAPER around the rope.
INT. MAGIC-PORIUM - DAY
- Cooper reaches for the large box containing the (presumably unassembled) Guillotine. Eddie slaps his hand away.
MONTAGE ENDS
INT. COOPER’S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
A late-night practice session; 2 smoothies on the coffee table. Cooper, in his tux, shows ROPE around his wrists. Debra lifts a SHEET in front of him. Wiggle, wriggle. The sheet drops. Now Cooper’s FREE and Debra’s hands are roped, BEHIND HER BACK.
DEBRA Cooper, that was brilliant! We are going to totally pwn Dancy!
COOPER If only we had a big stage trick to finish. I’ll get some cookies to go with those smoothies.
He runs out.
DEBRA Uh... the rope?
But he’s gone. Debra squirms with the rope behind her back. 21
Nothing doing. She eyes the smoothie. She bends over, PICKS UP the glass with her TEETH...
... and SPILLS IT as Mr. and Mrs. Lunsford burst in from outside lugging a load of lumber; dirty two-by-fours, cut to 10 feet. They’re in full camo. Debra lowers the glass to the table with her teeth and tries to lick her own face clean.
DEBRA (CONT’D) Hi Mr. and Mrs. Lunsford, it’s a pleasure to meet you! I’m Debra...
Debra turns to “shake” with the hand TIED behind her back.
DEBRA (CONT’D) ... a friend of Cooper’s.
GABBY Of your own free will, dear?
DEBRA I’m his assistant.
JACK (dourly) Magic. (to Debra) Jack and Gabby Lunsford.
They awkwardly shake her hand behind her back.
DEBRA That’s a lot of filthy wood.
JACK Never blink, Debra, this town’s a cesspool of crime.
GABBY Dear, after you’ve processed this “evidence,” what are we supposed to do with it?
JACK Curtain rods? 22
DEBRA I might have an idea.
INT. SCHOOL – WOOD SHOP – NEXT DAY
BRUD GILFORD, not too bright, sits in wood shop after school. He pulls down his paper dust mask and stares at a wooden BOX he’s made. It has a hinged LID. He lifts the lid. It opens to... the bottom of the box. He put it on the wrong end.
Debra walks up, carrying some rolled-up DRAWINGS.
DEBRA You must be Brudley. Brud – can I call you Brud? – I’m Debra and the school I go to doesn’t have a wood shop...
BRUD You’re kidding. How do you make bowls and stuff?
DEBRA It’s hard.
Debra unrolls the blueprints. We DON’T SEE THEM.
DEBRA (CONT’D) I need something built by Saturday. The wood’s out front. Can you make this?
She taps the drawings. Brud, very much taken by Debra, nods.
BRUD You’re pretty.
DEBRA Swell! Oh, it’s vital police evidence so I need the spare bits back, and the sawdust in this baggie.
She holds up a big clear BAGGIE.
EXT. JUBILEE PAVILION – NIGHT 23
Saturday night. Rented sign: “Happy Birthday Dancy! Party Tonight!” Kids get dropped by their PARENTS; others stay to chaperone.
Debra strolls confidently to the front door. She’s stopped by Dancy.
DANCY Delong! Didn’t you get the gold embossed card saying You’re-Not- Invited?
DEBRA Oh no, you caught me! What was I thinking, trying to sneak into the most exclusive party of the year? I should have remembered I’m not a guest at this spectacle... (in Dancy’s face) ... I’m the star!
DANCY The what?
DEBRA Mrs. Cologne, how nice to see you again!
Dancy’s mother walks up, carrying a clipboard.
MRS. COLOGNE Debra! I’ve got everything set up just as you asked.
DEBRA Excellent. (to Dancy) If you’ll excuse me, I have to go inside, (rubbing it in) ... and be the highlight of your party that I’m not invited to.
Debra takes her sweet time waltzing into the party as Dancy follows.
DANCY 24
No! Mom! Mommy!
They’re gone. Eddie Razzner walks up, in a pink tuxedo.
EDDIE I’m with her!
Mrs. Cologne raises an eyebrow. Some BIG GUYS block Eddie. He changes tactics.
EDDIE (CONT’D) I’m the caterer.
MRS. COLOGNE Where’s your food?
EDDIE I’m checking for termites. Plus I’m on the guest list!!
MRS. COLOGNE What’s your name?
EDDIE (fake cough) Hmmblammaflammif. Lemme look to make sure you spelled it right.
As Eddie wrestles with Mrs. Cologne and the two Big Guys, a cane and two plastic chickens fall out of his sleeves.
EXT. RAVINE – NIGHT
A ravine in the dark. Some LEAVES move. It’s Jack and Gabby.
JACK Tell me the truth, Gabby. Y’ever regretted this life, married to Johnny Law?
GABBY Not for a second. Other wives can have their yachts and jewels. Give me lying in the dark, being eaten by bugs, partially covered by leaves at the bottom of a wet ravine. 25
JACK I love you so much. Smear more dirt on your forehead.
INT. JUBILEE PAVILION – NIGHT, LATER
Party in full swing; a few dozen teens. There’s a curtained STAGE at the back of the hall. Recorded MUSIC fades out as Mrs. Cologne takes the center of the floor, with a mike.
MRS. COLOGNE Everyone having a good time?
BACKSTAGE, Debra deals with Cooper’s jitters as the O.S. crowd APPLAUDS. Cooper is in a tux and top hat; Debra’s in a nice party dress.
COOPER I’m nervous. I’m gonna be sick.
DEBRA No you’re not. But if you are, wave your wand first so it looks like part of the act.
MRS. COLOGNE (O.S.) We have a special treat for you all.
EXT. JUBILEE PAVILION – NIGHT
The applause carries to the back of the building, where Eddie has dragged a garbage can up to a lighted window at head-height. He climbs onto it.
MRS. COLOGNE (O.S. CONT’D) From a far away land of magic and wonder... everybody please welcome... The Amazing Cooper!
Eddie falls through the lid into the garbage.
INT. JUBILEE PAVILION – NIGHT
Cooper steps through the curtain and down some steps to walk among the teens. 26
COOPER I know what some of you are saying – magic’s so “old hat.”
He removes his top hat - it turns into a filthy OLD HAT.
COOPER (CONT’D) And there’s my old hat.
LAUGHTER and some applause. Cooper relaxes visibly. Eddie walks in at the back of the room, brushing off garbage.
COOPER (CONT’D) Could I have a volunteer?
Debra steps forward. Dancy, with her clique of gal friends, watches, cobra-eyed. Cooper hands a cane to Debra – it has a black end and a red end.
COOPER (CONT’D) Every magician does tricks with cuddly rabbits. I’m no exception. Please tap the hat with the black end of the cane. No, NOT THE RED END!
Debra pretends to misunderstand and taps the hat with the red end of the cane. FLAMES fly up out of the hat. Cooper reaches in and pulls out a COOKED RABBIT.
AUDIENCE Eeewwww! (+ LAUGHTER)
Eddie tells a kid next to him:
EDDIE Classic gag! Eighteen ninety- five, roasted rabbit smell optional.
COOPER This is no ordinary volunteer, meet my assistant...
DEBRA Abra Ca Debra! 27
Cooper’s surprised as Debra whips off her party dress. Underneath: a flashy sequined SHOWGIRL GOWN. The hall’s lights blaze off it. Kids applaud. Boys whistle. Dancy fumes.
EXT. RAVINE – NIGHT
Jack and Gabby continue their vigil.
JACK I saw something move by the road! It’s a large bird.
GABBY That’s the rotating chicken bucket, dear.
JACK Oh. (beat) Gabby? Ya think the kid’ll be okay?
Gabby hugs her husband’s shoulder.
GABBY Cooper has your determination, dear.
Jack smiles. But Gabby thinks about the implications of that for a long beat.
GABBY (CONT’D) He’ll be fine anyway.
There’s a SOUND (car trunk) as they hush. Then their eyes widen in horror:
THEIR POV, SLOW-MO: falling into the ravine towards them, catapulted out of the darkness, is a giant fiberglass BROCOLLI STALK, with a face, arms and legs, wearing EYEGLASSES.
JACK (CONT’D) Mister Broccoli at twelve o’clock!! Abandon stakeout!
They ROLL to each side. O.S. CRASH! 28
ANGLE BACK: the Lunsfords stare at the smiling face of the 6- foot-tall Mr. Broccoli, crashed into the bottom of the ravine.
INT. JUBILEE PAVILION - NIGHT
A half hour later: Cooper + Debra have moved to the STAGE. There are SILKS draped over a stand, a DOVE on a perch, a goldfish bowl full of colored sand. The audience APPLAUDS as we find Cooper and Debra at the end of the rope-switching trick we saw them rehearse.
Dancy sits unhappily up front with her applauding friends.
DANCY Why are you clapping? I could figure out how that was done!
EDDIE Not unless you pay thirty-nine ninety-nine for The Cuff-Rope Switcheroo, which has fooled the crowned heads of Europe!
Cooper slips the rope off Debra’s hands.
COOPER Time for my last trick. How many of you have bobbed for apples?
APPLAUSE, during which Debra walks off stage.
COOPER (CONT’D) As you know, the trick to bobbing for apples is - (looking OFF) - what’s THAT??
Debra is wheeling on a very roughly-made 10-foot-tall GUILLOTINE. It’s badly-painted and has loose bits hanging off. Debra smiles and waves as the audience cheers and Cooper’s eyes almost pop out. She confides in a stage-whisper:
DEBRA Our big surprise ending.
COOPER 29
We’ve supposed to be surprising them, not me! Where’s the apple trick?
DEBRA I thought this’d be more dramatique.
COOPER (loud whisper) Oh yeah, my head rolling across the stage is way more “dramatique!”
The audience laughs. Debra smiles to them and waves and turns back to Cooper.
DEBRA Your head won’t roll anywhere. For one thing, your nose would stop it. And Brud was really careful to...
COOPER Brud Gilford? D-minus Brud from remedial shop?
Brud smiles and waves at Debra from the audience. He has a CAMERA.
BRUD She’s pretty.
EDDIE I’ve got twenty bucks says he loses at least part of his head!
Dancy’s mom looks worried, but the kids eat it up. Even Dancy is cheered up.
DANCY Put your head in it!
ALL THE KIDS Off with the head! Off with the head! 30
DEBRA Cooper, trust me.
Cooper goes around the back of the guillotine, inspecting it. Debra reaches off and puts a wicker BASKET in front of it.
Cooper’s head goes in the slot. He’s sweating. The audience is fully engaged.
MRS. COLOGNE Perhaps we should end this now...
DANCY No way; the party’s finally picking up!
Debra lowers the stock onto Cooper’s neck. Some girls cover their eyes. Eddie covers his eyes. Debra cues the DJ, who plays a DRUM ROLL tape...
The drum roll comes to a crescendo and STOPS!
Debra yanks the lever. The blade HURTLES down. There’s a spray of RED, and Cooper’s SEVERED HEAD flies off the guillotine...
... and lands in DANCY’S LAP.
DANCY (SCREAMS)
The audience GASPS. Mrs. Cologne leads on Eddie for support.
DEBRA Ladies and gentlemen, don’t worry about his head...
The “head” falls off Dancy’s lap. Cooper stands up from behind the guillotine.
COOPER Luckily, I’ve got a spare.
Debra does a ta-dah flourish towards Cooper. Mad applause! They’re a hit! As Dancy sputters in the audience, Cooper and Debra high-five. 31
EXT. LUNSFORDS’ CAR – NIGHT (TRAVELLING)
Jack and Gabby drive home.
GABBY So what do we do now?
JACK First, Gabby, we celebrate being alive. Then we ask ourselves, who has no further use for a large shortsighted fiberglass vegetable?
PULLING WIDE: the enormous broccoli wearing the eyeglasses is tied to the car roof.
GABBY My little lawman!
She hugs him.
INT. COOPER’S LIVING ROOM – NEXT DAY
Cooper and Debra recap last night in the living room.
DEBRA I know I booked the party for selfish reasons. But weren’t we great?!
Debra does a little excited running-on-the-spot thing. Cooper has to laugh.
COOPER Thanks for talking and pushing and nagging and shaming me into it.
DEBRA Did you see the delight on their faces when they thought you’d get beheaded?
COOPER Actually, I was staring down into a basket...
DEBRA 32
Doesn’t matter; Brud took pictures. Did you know he’s also a photographer?
CAMERA SFX and INSERT one of BRUD’S PICTURES. It’s so out-of- focus, you can’t tell what it is.
DEBRA (CONT’D) Coop, you may find this hard to believe, but one day you are going to be really cool.
Cooper is hugely cheered up at this thought. His Mom and Dad enter.
JACK Hey, Coop! We got him!
GABBY The mystery ravine criminal finally tipped his dirty hand.
COOPER You saw him?
JACK Didn’t have to. I asked myself: who goes outa business, and suddenly no longer needs his waiting room couch, and his Mister Broccoli?
He whips a SHEET off the giant Mr. Broccoli, sitting in a corner of their living room.
JACK Sure enough, there was an optometrist who closed shop last month. Bet he’s smiling out the other side of his bifocals now.
DEBRA Uh, Mister Lunsford? Isn’t it carrots that give you better eyesight? Not broccoli?
They all think. 33
GABBY I think she’s right, dear.
Beat. Jack gets on his walkie-talkie.
JACK Bernie? Better release that prisoner. (off the walkie) The mystery deepens.
Cooper and Debra can’t help laughing. Jack and Gabby join in.
FADE OUT