1 ABRA CA DEBRA By Andrew Nicholls & Darrell Vickers FADE IN: EXT. BRAZELTON HIGH SCHOOL – DAY 4:00 p.m. outside the largest high school in Brazelton. A sign in the parking lot: DRIVER’S ED, Room 102. Behind the sign: a CAR parked HALF IN THE FOUNTAIN. We hear a perky, altogether likeable female VOICE: DEBRA (O.S.) My name’s Debra and I think I speak for everyone here when I say road signs are confusing. INT. SCHOOL - ROOM 102 – DAY A classroom, after school. PAN 16-TO-18-YEAR-OLDS listening in confusion as the antic VOICE continues. DEBRA (CONT’D) Like, “Hidden Intersection.” Why hide it, then tell people it’s there? And we meet DEBRA DeLONG, a supremely confident 14, too young to be taking this class, and sitting squarely up front. DEBRA (CONT’D) And “Runaway Truck Lane.” I understand carpool lanes but why encourage people to drive a runaway truck? Isn’t that what killed Wile E. Coyote? (hand-puppet roadrunner) Meep meep! Did you just love him? Not him; the other guy. The “Meep meep” guy; the chicken. The INSTRUCTOR makes sure Debra has stopped talking. 2 INSTRUCTOR How old are you? DEBRA I’ll be seventeen in three years. As long as I don’t get in that “runaway truck lane,” huh? Debra ELBOWS the girl next to her, who spills her soda. INSTRUCTOR You can’t drive. DEBRA Duh. That’s why I’m here. (to person next to her) Can you drive? The girl next to Debra shakes her head. Debra turns back to the instructor with an oversized “see?” gesture. INT. SCHOOL - ROOM 103 – DAY One classroom down. On the dry-erase board: “MAGIC CLUB.” COOPER LUNSFORD, 14, sincere, adorable in a Michael Cera way, stands in an otherwise empty classroom beside a desk covered in MAGIC props. Cooper pretends to reach into an “Audience Member’s” pants with both hands. COOPER Perhaps... this was your card! Instead of a card, from his other curled hand he produces a pair of FLORAL UNDERWEAR. COOPER (CONT’D) Oops! Must have reached too far into your pocket... (to himself) Everybody laughs... The door to the next classroom opens noisily, OFF. DEBRA (O.S.) You’re making a big mistake! I’m 3 a lawyer! The interruption throws Cooper’s concentration. INT. SCHOOL HALL - DAY The instructor pushes Debra into the hall as she tries desperately to plead her way back in. DEBRA Come on! I already have tons of driving experience, from holding the steering wheel while my mom’s putting on her makeup! INSTRUCTOR You’re too young. He closes the door. DEBRA I just wanna learn, I’m not gonna do it! (at the closed door) I took German, that doesn’t mean I’m going to invade Poland! Debra pouts and walks past Room 103. She stops. INT. SCHOOL – ROOM 103 – DAY WE SEE what Debra sees: Cooper’s producing colored SILKS from his mouth in a long string, piling them on the desk. Debra walks into the room, entranced. DEBRA Where did you eat? Cooper chokes on the mouth coil. He spits it out. Having a pretty girl in front of him isn’t something that happens often for Cooper. He swallows hard. COOPER Hi. Have you come to join the Magic Club? 4 Debra looks around the empty room. DEBRA Sure you’ve got room for another member? She reaches for something on the desk. COOPER Don’t touch that! Some of these magic tricks are delicate. DEBRA (unimpressed) These are magic tricks? She picks up something and SHAKES it. Cooper has to take it off her. She looks around. DEBRA (CONT’D) Where’s the white tigers and the disappearing Lear jet? You know, I saw this guy one time... INT. STAGE – NIGHT (DEBRA’S FLASHBACK) A tuxedoed MAGICIAN limberly places his leg up on a stage table and brandishes a big Lewis Carroll KNIFE and FORK. DEBRA (V/O CONT’D) ... who ate his own leg. TIPE CUT: the Magician swings his now-empty pant leg for the crowd’s applause, pats his stomach and hops off-stage. DEBRA (V/O CONT’D) He barfed up a sock then hopped offstage. Do you do anything like that? INT. SCHOOL – CLASS 103 – DAY Cooper knows the stunt. COOPER Sounds like a variation on the Disappearing Leg. Good trick, but 5 it’s six hundred dollars. DEBRA This has a loose string... COOPER Don’t pull that! Debra pulls the string on a black BOX among Cooper’s paraphernalia. As thick SMOKE starts to billow from the box, Debra observes: DEBRA That looks like smoke. Cooper panics, running around the room with the box, putting it under his shirt (no good), in the trash can (no good). The room fills with smoke. Cooper tries wafting it away with his hands. The SMOKE ALARM goes off. The Driving Instructor runs in as the ceiling SPRINKLERS go off. DEBRA (CONT’D) We were just leaving. EXT. SIDEWALK – DAY Cooper, wet and smoke-smudged, walks along the sidewalk carrying his magic suitcase, with silks and cards and wands sticking out. Debra, in the same condition, runs to keep up. DEBRA I’m sorry! I’m Debra, by the way. It could have been worse; we’re just wet and smoky, it’s not like we were turned into zombies. This non sequitur stops Cooper in his tracks. COOPER WHAT? DEBRA You, know, zombies. Arrgrlntrfpt! And people have to blow your head off to stop you from eating them? 6 COOPER I’ve never said this to a girl before, but would you mind leaving me alone? DEBRA Oh crap, Dancy Cologne. Debra straightens her hair. Cooper swivels. The snooty, beautiful-in-an-obvious-way DANCY COLOGNE, 14, approaches. COOPER You don’t go to our school, how do you know Dancy? Dancy, who knows very well she’s at the top of the teen food chain, saunters up them. DANCY Miss DeLong. DEBRA Miss Cologne. COOPER Hi Dancy. Cooper Lunsford. I’m in your math and geography class and... you don’t care. Dancy ignores Cooper and addresses Debra. DANCY Well look at you. I see you got that part-time job dousing campfires. What are you doing way over here? Is your school having See-How-Normal-People-Behave Day? DEBRA Oh look what I have in my purse. Debra takes a rolled-up certificate from her purse. Dancy develops a slight tic in one eye. DEBRA (CONT’D) Jeepers! It’s my certificate for 7 winning the 4th grade Spelling Bee. Now let’s see, who did I beat out for that? INT. CLASSROOM – (FLASHBACK - 7 YEARS AGO) Tiny 4th GRADE DEBRA proudly holds up the certificate while 4th GRADE DANCY screams and pounds her fists on the ground. EXT. SIDEWALK - DAY Cooper stares at the certificate in Debra’s hand. COOPER You carry that around in case you run into her? DEBRA The debate trophy’s too big. Dancy’s eye tics but she suppresses it. DANCY Speaking of “too big,” I’m having a party at the Jubilee Pavilion a week from Saturday. It’s too big for my house – which of course is enormous. DEBRA (super sweet) Well, once you get over that eating disorder you will need someplace to put your humungous butt. DANCY Everyone who’s anyone – meaning not you – is gonna be there. Apple, Saffron, Lavender... Cooper looks back and forth as if watching a tennis match. DEBRA Do you have any friends who aren’t named after deodorant flavors? 8 DANCY Goodbye, tragically sad, wet and uninvited person. Dancy walks off. Cooper blinks. COOPER So... did you guys go to school together or did you meet in the boxing ring? DEBRA We have a history. I have to go. COOPER I’m Cooper. Cooper watches Debra stride determinedly off. His suitcase BLAMS open and a mattress-sized vinyl KING OF SPADES auto- inflates out of it, making a FARTING noise as it fills up. INT. COOPER’S LIVING ROOM – DAY Cooper, mostly dried, walks into his living room with the six- foot inflated playing card. He stares at... ... an ugly COUCH, covered in mud and branches. COOPER Mom? Dad? Why is the Swiss Family Robinson’s couch in our living room? OFFICER LUNSFORD enters, suited-up in his police uniform. He talks the cop talk – terse, no-nonsense – but he’s just a big friendly bear. JACK LUNSFORD Evidence; ongoing investigation. No room in the police locker. Cooper nods and looks at a white marble STATUE in the corner: a guy on a horse. Both rider and horse have CROSS-EYED expressions and lolling TONGUES painted-on by vandals. His father walks past the statue. JACK (CONT’D) 9 When it isn’t senseless statue vandalism it’s illegal dumping down the ravine behind the chicken restaurant. Not even a bad- looking couch. Cooper’s slightly ethereal MOM enters, wearing full camouflage. GABBY LUNSFORD Yes it is, dear, and it has branches sticking out of it. JACK LUNSFORD Proof of dumpage – they have to stay. (parting two branches) You can sit on it; I dusted for prints. Thought I had a good set. Turned out? He shows a HANDPRINT on white paper: it’s an animal print. JACK (CONT’D) Raccoon. EXT. RAVINE – DAY (FLASHBACK) A RACCOON sits comfortably on the couch, down in a filthy ravine, eating an egg. BACK TO SCENE: Cooper’s mom notes the inflatable King of Spades and reminisces. GABBY Your father arrested a playing card once.