A Child Sexual Abuse Survivor Testimonio and Creative Project
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CALIFORNIA STATE UNIVERSITY, NORTHRIDGE The Little Dark One Spoke: A Child Sexual Abuse Survivor Testimonio and Creative Project Thesis submitted in partial fulfillment of the requirements For the degree of Master of Arts in Chicana/o Studies By Martha B. Bueno August 2018 The thesis of Martha B. Bueno is approved: ___________________________________ __________ Date Mary Pardo, Ph.D ___________________________________ ____________ Dr. Christina Ayala-Alcantar Date ___________________________________ ______________ Date Yreina Cervantez, MFA., Chair California State University, Northridge ii Dedication I dedicate this thesis work to all those warriors and survivors of sexual violence. To those who have found the words to tell their story, to those who are working on themselves, and to those who cannot tell their stories. To talk about our personal stories and traumas is not an easy mission and for some people, it can even be dangerous. To all those just mentioned, I hear you, I love you, and I support you. Your ways of survival are as important as your physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health. iii Acknowledgments As many other graduate students, I struggled in many ways during the process of transcribing my personal memories and experiences. It took me seven years to finish my thesis. The last years were the hardest, financially and emotionally. During my last three years, I had to go from a full-time job to a part-time job. Working full time, I did not have much time to do my research, to paint, and to write. For the last two years, I worked part- time. I used my time to go to therapy, to paint, to write, but I was also struggling financially. This year, 2018, I had to find a new job to pay for all my personal expenses, and again I did not have much time to focus on my thesis. Currently, I work full time as a Teacher Assistant for a pre-school Head Start program in a low-income community. Working with young children is such a rewarding experience, but the job takes so much energy out of my body sometimes. By the time that I got back home on the bus, after eight hours of work, I just wanted to eat and rest. Although finishing my thesis has taken time and great effort, I am grateful to be surrounded by people who constantly support me and believe in me and my academic work-sometimes even more than I do. I want to acknowledge those people who have been a support system to me, especially my female friends. Thank you very much to all the people that I know from the Chicana/o Studies department. You all supported me in many ways. I am grateful to all my Chicano Studies professors, especially to the people on my committee; professors Yreina, Mary, and Christina. I would not have done this work without your support and patience. Professors Yarma Velazquez, Lara Medina, and Rosa RiVera Furumoto, thank you for your support, encouragement, and kind words as well. iv Also, I would like to thank all my Chicana/o Studies classmates and school friends for the support. Thank you, to mi tocaya Martha Martinez for teaching me how to make stencils and for helping me put together my Coyolxauhqui stencil piece, along with my dear friend Luis Salinas. Luis and Martha your friendship and support will always be appreciated; I miss you both. Much gratitude to my helpful photographers, Stacey Leal and America Montes who took pictures of me and of my paintings. I am also grateful to all the friends who would give me a ride home when I needed it, and to those who would help me move my paintings. Additionally, I am thankful to Dora Lopez, for the times that she would come to my home with Javier to pick me up to have study sessions together. Dora also introduced me to Josie Mendez-Negrete, a woman who I admired not only as a writer but also as a person. I want to also thank Angelica Amezcua and Ana Marlen Hidalgo for always being there for me, listening to my drama and making great memories during our trips. To my thesis editor Mildred Fuentes-Chung, thanks for all the support and patience. To my family who I love, I thank you for giving me a place to stay and food to eat. Family, I am grateful for all the things that you all did for me. I acknowledge how hard it was for you all to do things for me at times, it was also hard for me to ask you all for favors like picking me up from school when it was late or taking me to places. I tried not to ask you all for much, but sometimes I really needed your support. I am happy that I never gave up! As the song sung by Mercedes Sosa says, “Gracias a la vida, que me ha dado tanto.” I feel grateful for all the good things in my life, and for the bad experiences. My wish is for those experiences bad experiences to become memories that I am healed from. v Table of Contents Signature Page ii Dedication iii Acknowledgements iv List of Images ix Abstract x Chapter 1: Introduction 1 Chapter 2: Literature Review 6 Sexual Violence and Latinos 6 Research about child sexual abuse 12 Understanding Sexual Violence through Contributions from Chicana Feminism 16 Chapter 3: Methods 25 Chapter 4: My Testimony 27 My Nickname, Michoacán, 1984 27 In the Town that I Was Born 28 Grandpa Ramon 33 Grandma Elena 34 Curious 36 The Paletero (ice cream man) 37 Don Jose 39 Chapter 5: My Educational Path 42 United States: 1999 42 vi We Moved to the San Fernando Valley in Early 2000 44 Graduate School 48 My Journey Towards Therapy 52 Chapter 6: Conclusion 58 Child Sexual Abuse 58 Art Therapy 61 Chapter 7: FLOR Y CANTO - Images and Description of Paintings 67 El Rebozo Negro 68 (The Black Shawl) Entre la Espada y la Pared 71 (Between the sword and the wall) El Poder de Las Mujeres en Mi Vida 74 (The Power of Women in My Life) Mi Muchachita 77 (My Little One) El Renacimiento 80 (The Rebirth) La Hija de Coyolxauhqui 82 (Coyolxauhqui’s Daughter) The Warrior Within Me 85 (La Guerrera Dentro De Mi) En el Mar la Vida es Más Sabrosa 87 (At Sea Life Is More Pleasant) vii Chapter 8: FLOR Y CANTO - Poems 89 “Survivors of Sexual Abuse if No One has Told You” 89 “If You Are in Solidarity with Survivors of Sexual Abuse, NEVER” 91 “If You Are in Solidarity with Survivors of Sexual Abuse, DO” 93 “My Confession to My Mother” 94 “Prayers” 98 “When Words Kill You…” 101 A Poem to My Mother 104 Liberating the Little Martha 106 “Revival” 110 References 111 viii List of Images Figure 1: El Rebozo Negro 67 (The Black Shawl) Figure 2: Entre la Espada y la Pared 70 (Between the sword and the wall) Figure 3: El Poder de Las Mujeres en Mi Vida 73 (The Power of Women in My Life) Figure 4: Mi Muchachita 76 (My Little One) Figure 5: El Renacimiento 79 (The Rebirth) Figure 6: La hija de Coyolxauhqui 81 (Coyolxauhqui’s Daughter) Figure 7: La Guerrera Dentro De Mi 84 (The Warrior Within Me) Figure 8: En el Mar la Vida es Más Sabrosa 86 (At Sea Life Is More Pleasant) ix Abstract The Little Dark One Spoke: A Child Sexual Abuse Survivor Testimonio and Creative Project By Martha B. Bueno Master of Arts in Chicano/a Studies This is my personal narrative about my healing journey as a survivor of child sexual abuse. In my testimonio, I write about some of my childhood and adulthood memories in chronological order. I also write about the places where I have lived, about family dynamics and personal relationships, my experience(s) with sexual abuse, the trauma that it left me with, my healing path, and conclude with my works of art. My thesis begins with a review of the literature on sexual abuse; I examine the social, emotional, and psychological effects of sexual trauma. I also explore the shame, silencing, and fear that this traumatic experience can produce in a person. Moreover, I examine the literature that refers to people who have used art for personal healing, or as a therapeutic method. Finally, I include original artwork and poems to explain how my art has helped me to heal from some of my personal traumas. My purpose is to provide a x testimonio that will further the understanding of Latinas and sexual abuse from a survivors’ point of view. xi Chapter 1: Introduction I identify myself as a Chicana, Mexicana, a woman who is aware of colonial, systematic, political, institutionalized, and patriarchal powers that continue to oppress, silence, and marginalize the voices, body, and personal lives of many Chicanas, Mexican, Latin American women and LGBT/queer minorities in the United States and abroad. I define myself also as a survivor of child sexual abuse. Ochoa and Ige, in the book Betrayal: A critical analysis of rape culture in anarchist subcultures, define survivor as “one that lives over or beyond” (Ochoa & Ige, 2007, p. 153) a traumatic experience, or as described by the book on Betrayal (2013), one that “has experienced or is experiencing interpersonal violence” (p. 3). As a survivor, I do not want to be labeled or recognized as a “rape victim” or “victim,” but as someone who continues to fight for her survival (like many survivors who have been affected by sexual abuse) through the use of writing and art.