FREE HAPPY ENDINGS: THE TALES OF A MEATY- BREASTED ZILCH PDF

Jim Norton, | 269 pages | 10 Jun 2008 | Simon Spotlight Entertainment | 9781416961055 | English | New York, NY, Editions of Happy Endings: The Tales of a Meaty-Breasted Zilch by

Uh-oh, it looks like your Internet Explorer is out of date. For a better shopping experience, please upgrade now. Javascript is not enabled in your browser. Enabling JavaScript in your browser will allow you to experience all the features of our site. Learn how to enable JavaScript on your browser. NOOK Book. Time spent with family became something to look forward to and feel grateful for, as opposed to years ago when it felt like an irritating obligation. Is it because the older I get the more human my parents become? When their hair began turning gray, did I suddenly value their company more because I finally and tangibly understood that they're growing older and are someday going to die? Or maybe I just relate to them a bit more on an eye-to-eye level now that I'm older. And things that used to mean so much have kind of lost their value a bit. Watching sports is still enjoyable but the importance of my team winning and the agony of them losing have both softened into feelings almost indistinguishable from each other. It's a saddening realization that this softening is only a pit stop on the road to indifference. It's amazing that it took until this day, in my thirty-seventh year God, that sounds so old to have what I will consider from here on to be the greatest moment in my life. I've never tried to choose "the best moment," although I've had my share of amazing ones: meeting ; talking with Sam Kinison and getting him to autograph a napkin, which I still have ; performing at and for that fifteen minutes standing alone on the same stage where Sabbath, Kiss, and Zeppelin performed. There have been some incredible moments in my life, but after today they will fast become secondary memories. The day started out rather uneventfully; I woke up around p. I didn't realize that one of them was torn, so for an hour or so it felt like I had a kidney stone in my eye. I wound up sleeping so late because I didn't get to bed until around seven in the morning. After my midnight set at the Cellar last night, I stopped over at Bob Kelly's to play some cards. Bob lives on the fifth floor of my building, so it was a convenient place to socialize. I shoveled chips and cheese and crackers and nuts into my fat face almost nonstop for three hours and in the end wound up winning a whopping sum of sixty-seven dollars. I came home and had one of my favorite working girls stop by for some late-night oral treats. She gave me head for about fifteen minutes until I shot Similac all over myself. It was an emotionally healthy ending to the day: gamble while compulsively eating shitty snack food, then pay another human being to hold my cock in her mouth like a pan flute. After she left and I had wiped the little fellers off my belly and deposited them into the toilet, I decided there was nothing else I could do to emotionally escape, so bed was probably the best option. Bob called this afternoon, after I had woken up, and we met at Starbucks. We each had the usual: a medium iced latte with soymilk. While we were sitting outside I had the itch to gamble a bit more. Bob is also a self-hating, compulsive idiot so he of course had the itch as well. We moseyed on up to his place to play a little one-on-one Hold 'Em. While Bob was converting the Happy Endings: The Tales of a Meaty- Breasted Zilch into chips I was sitting there casually picking my belly button and sniffing it. I hadn't showered yet so it was nice and ripe, just the way I like it. I always try to get people to sniff my belly button but there are very rarely any takers. Vos has a similar and equally revolting odor emanating from behind his ear. If he scrapes back there he gets an oily substance on his finger that is actually visible if he rubs it on a table. We always tell people it smells like grape jelly and then try to guilt them into smelling it by telling them that everyone else has. The disgusted faces of all of the takers send us into gales of laughter. So anyway, today I was aimlessly digging and sniffing and I casually asked dumb Bob if he'd like a whiff. He says, "No way am I smelling that," and I figured that was the end of it. By now we'd started our poker playing. I kind of half kidding asked if he'd do it for a couple of one-dollar chips. That compulsive, greedy motherfucker said, "Two bucks? I took my left pointer finger always the dipping finger of choice for some reasonand swiped it into my belly button nice and deep. I made sure I swirled it around the sides real good, leaving none of the odoriferous residue behind. This moron is sitting there with his eyes Happy Endings: The Tales of a Meaty-Breasted Zilch like he's about to do a wine tasting. I hold my finger straight and sure under his nose and watch as the look of "this is going Happy Endings: The Tales of a Meaty-Breasted Zilch be slightly icky" turned into absolute revulsion. He retches a bit in the seat then gets up and bolts to the bathroom. Then the greatest moment of my life occurred: He opened the toilet lid and threw up. Oh, sweet Jesus in Heaven, thank you! I couldn't have been more satisfied if Pam Anderson's twat materialized out of thin air and fell onto my face. He kept mumbling, "Oh my God, dude," and retching and puking into the bowl. He even grabbed a bottle of Listerine because he said the smell had somehow gotten into his taste buds. I cannot express the joy of seeing this bald idiot on his hands and knees in front of the shitter losing his medium iced latte with soymilk. For those of you who are parents, take your melodramatic proclamations of the joys of childbirth and shove them up your ass. I experienced bliss in the purest sense of the word. Harmony isn't found in God or love or helping others; it's found watching an obnoxious asshole who looks like Dr. Evil vomit because the putrescent scent of your belly button has offended his system to the point of thinking it's been poisoned and needs to cleanse itself. I was fucking howling while he had his gluttonous face buried in the bowl. I had my camera and snapped a picture of him. It was better than heroin. In this one moment of clarity, of purity, my whole outlook on life changed. Fuck my parents and their gray hair, fuck Richard Pryor, and fuck Madison Square Garden; someone can fill it with Doberman pinscher shit for all I care. The real meaning of Happy Endings: The Tales of a Meaty-Breasted Zilch, what I've been Happy Endings: The Tales of a Meaty-Breasted Zilch for, has been hiding in my belly button all along. Home 1 Books 2. Read an excerpt of this book! Add to Wishlist. Sign in to Purchase Instantly. Members save with free shipping everyday! See details. Overview Jim Happy Endings: The Tales of a Meaty-Breasted Zilch is a pervert in the truest sense of the word. The physical equivalent of a tall slug, he pays top dollar for massages with happy endings and is fascinated by shitty sitcoms and fat girls. He is also, at times, racially offensive and morally repugnant. He spares no one in his comedy -- least of all himself. Now, in this outrageous, blisteringly funny collection of essays, Norton tackles the topics that are near and dear to his heart: from public events like the legendary Voyeur Bus incident on the Show, which culminated in all involved being taken to jail, or seeking a hug from his childhood idol Gene Simmons, to deeply private moments, including a teenage Jim's embarrassing poetry-writing attempts while in rehab, and his inexpensive sexual experience with an unwashed MILF a Monolith I'd Like to Forget. His stories are raw, searingly honest in their attention to detail, and most of all, hilarious. Filled with personal photos and nearly fifty candid and uncompromising essays, Happy Endings is one of a kind About the Author Jim Norton is stand-up comedian who is best known for his extremely raunchy brand of humor. He has also cohosted the AVN awards twice, and performed his stand-up all over the country. He is the author of two books and Happy Endings: The Tales of a Meaty-Breasted Zilch in . Show More. Related Searches. Ain't She a Peach. Frankie McCready talks to dead Happy Endings: The Tales of a Meaty-Breasted Zilch. Not like a ghost whisperer or anything—but it Happy Endings: The Tales of a Meaty-Breasted Zilch View Product. County Line. When the steadfast Ruby Jane Happy Endings: The Tales of a Meaty-Breasted Zilch drops out of sight, dogged ex-cop Skin Kadash sets out to discover what drove the woman he loves to leave her life behind so suddenly and without explanation. The discovery of a dead man Danse Macabre. From the author of The Expert Parent. This quick reference provides clear, accessible and Five Days in November. Kennedy and Me. Murder Over Easy. Melvin Arbuckle, Wanda Nell's boss at the Kountry Kitchen, has been arrested for killing a waitress with an unsavory reputation. My Brother's Keeper. 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Goodreads helps you keep track of books you want to read. Want to Read saving…. Want to Read Currently Reading Read. Other editions. Enlarge Happy Endings: The Tales of a Meaty-Breasted Zilch. Error rating book. Refresh and try again. Open Preview See a Problem? Details if other :. Thanks for telling us about the problem. Return to Book Page. Preview — Happy Endings by Jim Norton. Get A Copy. Hardcoverpages. Published July 10th by Simon Spotlight Entertainment first published More Details Original Title. Other Editions Friend Reviews. To see what your friends thought of this book, please sign up. To ask other readers questions about Happy Endingsplease sign up. Lists with This Book. Community Reviews. Showing Average rating 3. Rating details. More filters. Sort order. Feb 02, Fabian rated it really liked it. Why, otherwise, would I think this as great as it really surely isn't, or cannot possibly be. But it is so lewd, so irksomely disgusting, as to almost rival early John Waterstype genius. It may almost be art: it's a concentrated albeit repetitive, misogynistic, RUDE nugget of, well, excrement. Jan 15, Scarlett B rated it it was amazing. If you aren't into potty-humor, why would you read a book that's subtitled "The Tales of Meaty-Breasted Zilch"?? Jimmy rules! Sep 10, Don rated it liked it Shelves: memoircomedy. Jim Norton is basically a foul-mouthed Uzi, pummeling his audience with an angry, unrelenting barrage of poop jokes Happy Endings: The Tales of a Meaty-Breasted Zilch dick jokes. You really have to be in the mood for this kind of humor, but if you are, it's pretty good stuff. Feb 24, Jim son of Jim formerly PhotoJim rated it it was ok Shelves: readsjim-swap-shelfnon-fiction. I had no idea who Jim Norton was before I picked this up. I don't think I'd like to spend any time with him after reading this. Each chapter is an anecdote where Jim ends up verbally abusing someone, paying someone to have sex with him, or bemoaning how repugnant he Happy Endings: The Tales of a Meaty-Breasted Zilch. Sometimes with a combination of these three things. I did laugh a couple of times. Usually because whatever I just read was so patently offensive that I had to step back for a second. Here's a sample paragraph: "I never quite unde I had no idea who Jim Norton was before I picked this up. Here's a sample paragraph: "I never quite understood pedophilia; I hate being around kids, I can't comprehend wanting to fuck one of those little monsters. First of all, their hands are always sticky. And even worse than Happy Endings: The Tales of a Meaty-Breasted Zilch them is that afterward, you have to be nice so they don't rat you out to the whole goddamn neighborhood. If you like smooth and hairless so much, why not just fuck Asians or cancer patients? View 2 comments. The humor is gross but i didn't mind it. Actually scratch that, i had to pause this during several meals. After a while, just because something about scat and golden showers is mentioned it doesn't make automatically laugh but i guess it builds his persona for the rest of the book. How many times can you mention protecting your floors from feces with plastic bags in 5 hours? I didn't like whenever he reads something from the past, whenever the source of laughs was he bashing his past self. I had s The humor is gross but i didn't mind it. I had Happy Endings: The Tales of a Meaty-Breasted Zilch laughs during the traffic bit. Found informative the Brazilian whorehouse bit and the other part on how to efficiently get prostitutes to your hotel. Mar 25, Jeremy Silver rated it it was ok. I am a fan of Jim Norton's as Happy Endings: The Tales of a Meaty-Breasted Zilch comedian but this book definitely leaves something to be desired. I definitely had a few laughs, mainly towards the beginning, but after the first 30 pages or so it just felt like filth for the sake of filth. He's overcome adversity in his life being a former alcoholic but it is only mentioned a couple of times, not really talked about at all. When I read a book written by someone like Norton I would expect it to Happy Endings: The Tales of a Meaty-Breasted Zilch a little deeper into his soul. To me this jus I am a fan of Jim Norton's as a comedian but this book definitely leaves something to be desired. To me this just felt like the same joke repeated over and over for pages. Sep 18, Patrick rated it liked it Shelves: I had never heard of Norton, his stand-up was recommended by a friend, Happy Endings: The Tales of a Meaty-Breasted Zilch this is definitely a funny collection of barely-essays. It's extremely offensive; in the author's own words, "If it weren't for prostitutes, shit, and fat girls, this book would be eight pages long. Oct 08, Jimmy Janko rated it really liked it. How to review this book! All I can say is if you like Little Jimmy then read it. If you don't - or have never heard if him - then its at your own risk! It's basically the diary of a very odd comic. I find him very funny - you may not! Jan 11, Heather rated it it was amazing Shelves: Happy Endings: The Tales of a Meaty-Breasted Zilchread-in Jun 13, James Bittle rated it liked it. Another Friends of the Library find. Worth a quarter Most of you should avoid reading this That being said, it definitely had a few laugh out moments. Not bad. View 1 comment. Sep 08, Alison rated it it was ok Shelves: biography-memoirhumor. Oct 04, Patrick rated it really liked it. Hilarious, raunchy and honest. May 14, Deyth Banger rated it it was amazing Shelves: not-foundcomedy. Oct 30, Davi Kladakis rated it liked it. Caution, audio book should NOT be played around children. Obviously Very funny. Oct 20, Ateeb rated it it was amazing. This book is hilarious and must read if you are a Jim Norton fan. Apr 20, Jeremy rated it liked it Shelves: bangor-public-libraryhumorbiography-and-memoir. Jim Norton is a funny guy, but he doesn't tend to expound on a wide variety of topics, typically limiting his subject matter to his own worthlessness and paying call girls to defecate on his chest. The fact that all this remains compelling for any length of time is a testament to his uncanny ability to continally devise new and increasingly vile and generally clever methods of getting his various messages across. Think of him as 's undervalued nephew. And under the scatological mi Jim Norton is a funny guy, but he doesn't tend to expound on a wide variety of topics, typically limiting his subject matter to his own worthlessness and paying call girls to defecate on his chest. And under the scatological misogyny, there's a genuine heart, however shriveled and concealed. His desire to shock lapses into more than a few desperate dirty-for-dirty's-sake moments, and his drawn-out ideas for ungreenlightable sitcoms, while creative, lend themselves well to impatient skimming. Happy Endings: The Tales of a Meaty-Breasted Zilch by Jim Norton

Please type in your email address in order to receive an email with instructions on how to reset your password. The physical equivalent of a tall slug, he pays top dollar for massages with happy endings, and is fascinated by shitty sitcoms and fat girls. He is also, at times, racially offensive and morally repugnant. He spares no one in his comedy -- least of all himself. Now, in this outrageous, blisteringly funny collection Happy Endings: The Tales of a Meaty-Breasted Zilch essays, Norton tackles the topics that are near and dear to his heart: From public events like the legendary Voyeur Bus incident on the Opie and Anthony Show, which culminated in all involved being taken to jail, or seeking a hug from Happy Endings: The Tales of a Meaty-Breasted Zilch childhood idol Gene Simmons, to deeply private moments, including a teenage Jim's embarrassing poetry- writing attempts while in rehab, his inexpensive sexual experience with an unwashed MILF Monolith I'd Like to Forgetand being caught masturbating in the backseat while his friend was driving. His stories are raw, searingly honest in their attention to detail, and most of all, hilarious. By clicking "Notify Me" you consent to receiving electronic marketing communications from Audiobooks. You will be able to unsubscribe at any time. Sign up Login. Remember Me. Forgot your password? Close Login. Forgot Password. Close Reset Password. Processing Please Don't Refresh the Page. Play Sample. Give as a Gift Send this book as a Gift! Book Rating 7. Unabridged Audiobook. Remove From Cart. Date: July Duration: 5 hours 13 minutes. Similar Titles. This title is due for release on July 10, Please Log in and add this title to your wishlist. We will send you an email as soon as this title is available. Join the Conversation. All Rights Reserved.