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Guardian Student Newspaper of the Year . 09 Issue 1,441 ffelixelix felixonline.co.uk This week.... Solving a Rwandan crisis Freshers’ Festival fails to attract crowd Imperial’mperial’ss e.quinox pioneer a solution. See page 4

News, Page 2

Genetic passports: scientically flawed?

Science, Page 12

Let your childhood dream soar: Pixar’s ‘Up’ reviewed

Degree’s over, now Film, Page 22

Tribewanted: felix stays a for the hard part week in eco-paradise 1 in 10 of the class of 2009 face unemployment in an unforgiving job market, see page 3

Travel, Page 30-31 2 felix FRIDAY 23 OCTOBER 2009 News Editor Kadhim Shubber NEWS [email protected] Freshers’ Festival fails to attract Freshers. Or anyone Just what went wrong? Dan Wan reports on the Freshers’ Festival Weekender 2009 and its miserable turnout

he first ever Freshers’ Festival Weekender severely strug- T gled to attract the crowds projected for an event of its size last weekend. Even after all entry charges were waived and drinks were set at Sports Night prices, the festival held in Beit Quad came close to being empty at several points throughout its three day duration. Original ticket prices were £15 for all three days of the weekend, whilst entry to a single day’s proceed- ings cost £7.50. However, after a poor turnout on Friday, the first day, the re- maining two were made free of charge. The organisers hoped the cheap drinks would help pull in more peo- ple, but the £1.50 pints seemed to do little for the crowd numbers, and one attendee described the place as “deserted”. Despite the impressive line-up, the Union’s chronic problem of poor stu- The Ghostcat lead singer, Ali Cat, is so overwhelmed by the Freshers’ Festival she collapses on stage (left), whilst the meagre crowd stare at the ceiling or floor (right) dent turnout to its events lay injury to weekend festival. Reports on Saturday and Sunday night approximate a maxi- festival, headlined Saturday night in ties at Imperial to give their backing, two weeks into the new academic year the errors made are to be learnt from mum crowd number of around 140 which was described as the “biggest” including Jazz and Rock, Photo Soc, meant the spread of publicity for an if the Freshers’ Festival is set up again people. day of the three. Their disappointment felix and especially DramSoc. The fail- event of its size and duration was limit- next year. IC Radio Station Manager and fes- at the small audience was evident and ure to lure in punters comes as a sur- ed on campus and by word-of-mouth. It comes as a great shame to many tival organiser Dan Fowler felt the fes- Fowler himself was let down by the prise, as the manpower and collabora- Posters for the event were only seen people across the Union; from the soci- tival was a reaction to student’s bore- band’s reaction. tion behind the weekend should have around campus approximately a week eties involved to the Union’s entertain- dom of previous Union events. “They have also fallen into the trap of meant a packed Beit Quad all weekend. before the event, and this was clearly ments team. Both of whom could have “How many times have you been sat thinking they are a lot bigger than they As part of Union President Ashley not enough time for them to have any benefited majorly from the boost in on the small wall outside DaVinci’s and are and so sulked through the entire Brown’s manifesto, he pledged that effect on the student population. Mr reputation the Freshers’ Festival could over heard some drunken fool moan- performance on the night when seeing more live music and entertainment Fowler was happy to admit mistakes have provided. ing that ‘This place only puts on drum the small crowd. Fair enough, it wasn’t would happen at the Union; the Fresh- were made, but suggested that more of Festival-goer and Fresher, Alex Ka- and bass nights?’ great, however when you’re being paid ers’ Festival certainly provided this. De- the blame laid elsewhere. rapetian, gave his honest and fitting Well the aim of this event was to you’ve got no excuses to not just go out spite being a society organised event, “Maybe the event started too early, opinion after initial bewilderment at change that mentality. I’m just looking and do what you do best.” the Union backed the event financially maybe the pricing was wrong – these the emptiness of the event. through the set timetable now…house, The Freshers’ Festival was the brain- and administratively. Three of the ma- are all lessons that can be learned. “[The festival] gets 2/5 in my opin- indie, metal, rock, electro, acoustic, child of members of ICRadio, Impe- jor acts were said to have been booked However, if we want a Union to be ion¬ because of the overall sufficiency pop, hip hop/jazz – for me, this aim rial’s budding radio station. With fruit- through Union contacts, and money proud we need to support it and events of the bands and the good work of the was achieved to the highest standard.” ful contacts, and dedicated organisers, for advertising and publicity were pro- like this which are flagship and trail- ICRadio DJs. The greatest limiting fac- Chew Lips, releasing their material the event looked to be a resounding vided. The timing of the event could blazing occasions for Imperial.” tor here was that we didn’t have any- with Kitsune Records and arguably the success. Impressive initial artwork for also have been the root cause of the Where the blame actually lies will where near the amount of people need- band with the biggest reputation at the publicity attracted several other socie- weekend’s problems. Occurring only be debated in the coming weeks, and ed to be able to fully enjoy ourselves.” 23

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Dan Wan Kadhim Shubber Gilead Amit Sasha Nicoletti OL L LOLCATZ News Editor Business Editor Science Editors Clubs and Socs Editor Kadhim Shubber Sina Ataherian Brigitte Atkins Alex Kendall Nathan Ley Medic News Editor International Editor Sports Editors OF TEH WEEK Dina Ismail Raphael Houdmont Nightlife Editor Mustapher Botchway Charlotte Morris APPLY NOW Assistant Editor Film Editors Web Editors Jovan Nedić Zuzanna Blaszczak Music Editors Arts Editors Chris Birkett Eddy “The OH” Knock Kadhim Shubber Caz Knight Ravi Pall Layout Editor Alex Ashford Rosie Milton Carlos Karingal Technology Editor Lucy Harrold Copy Editors Samuel Gibbs What’s On Editors Rhys Davies Comment Editor Rachel D’oliviero Photography Ken Wu Ravi Pall Fashion Editor Lily Topham Ben Smith Alex Karapetian Kawai Wong Tom Roberts Matt Colvin Politics Editors: Coffee Break Editor Alex Karapetian Sabrina Castiglione James Goldsack Travel Editor Charles Murdoch Lizzy Griffiths Katya-yani Vyas Dylan Lowe Games Editors Ayyub Kamaludin James Lees Puzzles Commodore Mike Cook Joanna Cai Phillip Murray APPLY NOW! Neil Dhir felix FRIDAY 23 OCTOBER 2009 3 [email protected] NEWS Doom and gloom on Graduation Day Kadhim Shubber finds the class of 2009 facing the prospect of unemployment after graduation

n the summer of 2009, the UK’s for jobs. A view that a HECSU survey Higher Education Institutions will showed is shared by many university I produce 400,000 new graduates. careers services around the country. They will be entering the labour While, of course cutting costs, compa- market at perhaps the worst time in a nies are still keen to recruit wherever generation”. possible, keen to avoid a repeat of the This damning verdict from the Con- 2001 recession where a sharp cutback federation of British Industry perhaps in recruitment resulted in an “employ- most bluntly sums up the employment ment gap” several years later. crisis that Imperial graduates find In addition, many small- and me- themselves in. dium- sized businesses are continuing They are by no means short of com- to recruit, offering new, less traditional pany, it is estimated that graduate un- opportunities for graduates. “Most employment will rise by 22,000 with 1 students recite the same half dozen in 10 graduates destined to remain out companies when they consider job of employment six months after re- opportunities, it’s key that graduates ceiving their degree. looking for jobs think outside the box The cause will come as no surprise, a little” says Ms Farrar. large companies, traditionally the larg- Ms Farrar is well aware that Imperial est recruiters of graduates, are reeling will be affected by the fewer vacan- from the effects of the recession and cies available but insists that Imperial have as result cut graduate vacan- graduates are still “well-regarded in the cies on average by 25%, increasing to job market” and as a result are likely to 56% for City-based investment banks. feel the impact of the job drought less There are simply less graduate level severely than the majority of other jobs and this year’s students are feeling graduates this year. the pinch. Many students have chosen to con- But the environment is not as clear tinue in higher education in order to cut as one might initially believe. The put off the inevitable plunge into the recession has hit traditional graduate job market until the economic situa- recruiters like the City hard, resulting tion improves. According to Highfliers in heavy cuts in recruitment. This has UK Graduates Careers Survey 2009 heavily skewed surveys by, for example, 26% of current final year students are The Association of Graduate Recruit- planning to continue in education. Up in the air: 2009’s graduates face an uncertain future as graduate opportunites shrink ers which provided the above figure of However with only 20% of employers 25% and “whose members tend to be planning to increase recruitment levels large companies that are more affected in 2010 and a further 10% making fur- by the recession” says Katherine Jensen ther cuts, it is likely that students who of the HECSU. put off entering the job market now are 26% 10% 25% Elspeth Farrar, Director of the Im- simply delaying the problem. perial’s Careers Service believes that It seems there’s little else 2009’s grad- Percentage of 2009 graduates Percentage of 2009 graduates Cut in the number of graduate sensationalist stories in the press have uates can do but play the difficult hand planning to continue in Higher who are likely to still be vacancies compared with worsened the position of many gradu- that the recent crisis has dealt them. Education unemployed after 6 months 2008 ates by putting many off from applying Additional reporting: Brigette Atkins

On the dole Advice for graduates Useful websites

with a 1st 1. Don’t panic 4. Find out what went wrong imperial.ac.uk/careers This piece of clichéd advice is never- Follow up unsuccessful applications to The home of Imperial’s Careers Advisory .47 million people are currently Roy tell all the proud mums and dads theless quite useful. Don’t run around find out what held you back from the Service with lots of information on unemployed in the UK, of which how sought after we all were was like like a headless chicken; one well writ- position. Maybe your interview tech- upcoming events, talks and careers fairs. 2 I am one. Claiming benefits is listening to the pitch of a dodgy dealer ten application is worth 100 rushed nique needs improving. Use any criti- not something I saw myself do- flogging his counterfeit wares. “What ones cism you get to improve your “game”. london.gov.uk/graduates ing when I started at one of the world’s are you up to at the moment?” I asked supposed top 10 universities four years the graduand beside me. “Well…” The 2. Network 5. Keep building Set up by Major Boris Johnson, ignore ago. Sadly, it has been a necessity. single word lingers between us, “not the front page which is patronisingly A mix of complacency, lack of fore- much really.” His reticence all too fa- Lord knows that Imperial students are The job market is tough at the mo- direct “what can I do with my ___ sight and my own determination to miliar. One down from him, the next good at networking. Getting a job is se- ment. Don’t let a year pass where the degree?” “Balls all it seems,” you might strive for the best grade possible ulti- graduand is just as apathetic. The two rious business so don’t be embarrassed most constructive activity you’ve done answer. However it contains a detailed mately led to this depressing situation. people on my other side are also job- to use every contact that you may have is receive rejection letters. Develop schedule of upcoming careers events in I was fixated on achieving a first. I’d less. Whether they’re claiming benefits made in the last four years to try and your knowledge and skills and take London done a summer placement in the city, too is not up for discussion. find vacancies that you may not have unpaid positions if you can to increase got the necessary experience beyond So, here we are: today’s world-class previously spotted. your experience. graduatetalentpool.direct.gov.uk my degree – or so I thought – and I graduates, tomorrow’s waiters and was solely focussed on getting the top waitresses – if we’re lucky – all being 3. Get on the ladder 6. Don’t let travelling deceive you Useful website for internships, at the grade. Experience, grades, job. Simple. congratulated on how lucky we are. But time of writing there were 2, 524 paid Except the third part didn’t go quite this is gross deception spouted to stim- The world hasn’t turned out as we ex- Truthfully, travelling is the graduate internships, so get moving! so smoothly. After three months of ulate our false egos. Bragging about pected it would, so adjust your expec- equivalent of an ostrich burying its having numerous applications ignored league tables, slapping the backs of the tations. If there’s a job that interests head in the sand (beach pun anyone?). prospects.ac.uk or being told: “you’re talented, but academics who teach us so splendidly, you, don’t worry that you’re “overquali- When you get back you’ll be compet- we’re not taking anyone on at the mo- telling us how we’ll change the world: fied”. With some hard work, promo- ing with a fresh set of graduates and All the information that you could ever ment”, I am at my wits’ end. And I’m it’s all bullshit when the only change tions will follow. Dead-end jobs are unless you go away for 5 years, the need to prepare, find and apply for not the only one. Sitting in the Royal we’ll be making is collecting our tables’ scary but quite unusual. Worst case job market won’t have improved very graduate jobs. Albert Hall this week listening to Dear tips for the next God knows how long. scenario: find a new job later. dramatically. 4 felix FRIDAY 23 OCTOBER 2009 NEWS [email protected]

Biomedical Engineering the best The world beyond SSinaina AAtaheriantaherian News Reporter College walls Imperial’s Institute of Biomedical En- gineering (IBE), announced on Mon- day that it is this year’s overall winner of the Times Higher Education (THE) Awards in the category of “Outstand- ing Contribution to Innovation and Technology.” These were the fifth an- nual THE Awards, considered the most important awards ceremony for Pakistan the UK’s higher education sector. For 2009 there were over 600 entries from Last Friday, Pakistan sent 30,000 troops into the lawless regions of more than 130 institutions. Waziristan in a long-awaited offensive against the Taliban based The panel of judges said that the IBE in the region. The Pakistani troops, who are well supported by heli- was being recognised for the “breadth copters and fighter jets, face an estimated 10,000 Taliban fighters, of its innovation” in the areas of medi- and another 1,000 foreign militants, mostly Afghans and Uzbeks, cal diagnosis and treatment, personal- who are operating in the region. Over 80 Taliban have already been ised healthcare, regenerative medicine reported killed in combat, whilst the Pakistan Army has suffered a and biomedical imaging. The panel Biomedical Engineers get up to their winning antics in the Bessemer Building dozen casualties. was also impressed by the transferabil- The ground offensive follows two weeks of brazen attacks by the ity into other fields of the Institute’s Taliban on key locations, including military headquarters and police research. that the innovation and leadership ing, including systems biology, materi- stations in major cities. Western diplomats say that a Pakistani vic- Commenting on the award win, Pro- demonstrated by the entire IBE team als, imaging and nanotechnology, and tory against the Taliban on its side of the border with Afghanistan fessor Christofer Toumazou, Director has been recognised in this way.” medical applications, such as bionics, would significantly help the NATO coalition fighting the Taliban in and Chief Scientist of the IBE said: The IBE opened its new state-of-the- biomechanics and tissue engineering. Afghanistan. The Pakistani army will being drawing on its experience “We are extremely proud to receive art, purpose-built facilities in 2006. Ann Mroz, editor of Times Higher in the Swat valley, where it successfully ousted the Taliban earlier this this special honour from the preemi- It aims to combine the strengths of Education, said of the winning entry: year. nent awards in the higher education Imperial’s research in engineering “Imperial’s contribution to innovation sector. Our ambition at the Institute and medicine, particularly to achieve and technology is simply too large to is to deliver breakthrough advances in faster commercial realisation of re- be ignored. The projects from the In- technology that enable people to lead search outcomes. It focuses on the stitute of Biomedical Engineering are independent lives despite illness, age- intersections between the platform transforming lives in an enormous Nigeria ing and disability, and we are thrilled technologies in science and engineer- range of pioneering ways.” Nigerian officials have an- nounced a government plan to give 10% of oil revenues to people living in the Ni- ger Delta, where the oil is drilled. Imperial’s school meals for Africa The area is plagued by fre- quent insurgencies. The plan is part of the government’s efforts to stop militants from attacking oil installations in the Delta, which has had some recent successes after an amnesty was reached with leading militants. If the local community benefits from increased oil output, it reckons, pressure will grow on the militants to forgo violence. The rebels say they are fighting for a fairer share of oil revenues. Presidential adviser Emmanuel Egbogah told the UK’s Financial Times that the money would go directly to communities, bypassing powerful state gov- ernors. The plan could see more than 50bn naira (£207m) diverted to local communities in its first year.

SSinaina AAtaheriantaherian News Reporter cies, mainly using imported food. The poverty.” Brazil hope is to replace this with local pro- Dr Drake argues further, “millions of duce, thus providing a regular and reli- school children are facing poverty and The Partnership for Child Develop- able income source to farmers. hunger every day. For many of them, Last Saturday, a gunman in ment at Imperial College London has The new initiative will work in con- a school meal is the only reliable, nu- Rio de Janeiro shot down announced a new project to help Af- junction with education, health and tritious meal they get each day and it a police helicopter, killing rican farmers provide healthy school agricultural sectors, social workers is often the reason they go to school. three policemen and spur- meals. The project is supported partly and international development part- Getting an education is really impor- ring violence which has left by a £7.2 million grant from the Bill & ners, such as the World Bank and the tant for these kids, as it helps them to a further 21 people dead. Melinda Gates Foundation. World Food Programme. The idea is get jobs and break out of the poverty The helicopter crashed to The Partnership for Child Develop- that replacing a one or two ineffec- cycle. We hope our new project will the ground, erupting into ment (PCD) is part of the Division of tive organizations with a partnership help governments make sure these flames, after the pilot was Epidemiology, Public Health and Pri- involving many, will improve the child children are fed and educated.” shot in the leg. Military police mary Care at Imperial College London. hunger situation. The first trials will be in Mali, Ni- in Rio have begun a manhunt PCD is a global consortium of civil so- Project leader Dr Lesley Drake be- geria, Ghana, Malawi and Kenya. The to find the assailant, but gang ciety organisations, academic institu- lieves this will provide a double-blow project will be conducting a series of violence in the city, which has left thousands of people dead in the past dec- tions and technical experts who aim to poverty by helping both schoolchil- studies to analyse the cost and impact ade, continues to be a problem. The violence has renewed concern amongst to improve the education, health and dren and farmers, “By putting school of its own, as well as similar, initiatives. international observers about Rio’s preparedness to host the 2016 Olympic nutrition of school-age children and feeding programmes using locally- It has been made possible through Games. Brazil’s President Lula pledged to do everything to combat the out- youth in low and middle income coun- sourced food in place, we can ensure funding as part of the Bill & Melinda of-control gang warfare in the city. The President also promised an additional tries. The plan is to help governments that the smallholder farmers who sup- Gates Foundation Agricultural Devel- $58m (£35m) to deal with the violence and provide the police with bullet- manage school meals programmes ply the food get a reliable income that opment initiative, which is working proof helicopters. more effectively. Many of these are al- helps them look after their families and with a wide range of partners to pro- ready in place in Sub-Saharan Africa, improve their businesses. We want to vide millions of small farmers in the but suffer from a range of problems. give them the skills and know-how developing world with tools to boost Most are run by international aid agen- to shape their own futures and beat their yields. By Raphael Houdmont, International Editor felix FRIDAY 23 OCTOBER 2009 5 [email protected] NEWS FEATURE STUDENTS SOLVING A RWANDAN E.E.E. STUDENT M. MANSOOR HAMAYUN’S E.QUINOX TEAM ATTEMPT TO SOLVE CRISIS RURAL ELECTRIFICATION PROBLEMS IN RWANDA; THEY SOMEWHAT SUCCEEDED wanda Energy is an inte- partners such as KIST, the Belgian gral part to ensure an ac- Technical Cooperation and the United ceptable quality of life. Nation Development Program. We R Affordable electric power then visited 8 villages and surveyed has several benefits for people’s energy habits and enquired the developing world in areas such as the local governments the possibility education, health care and finance. for us to implement the pilot project The energy needed for most people in in their village. When we returned to the developing world is met through London on 16th January 2009, we had use of primary fossil fuels such as fire achieved all of our objectives including wood and kerosene. The poor supply a location for a pilot project and ob- infrastructure using multiple middle- taining all the required local support. men results in that the poorest in the After the January trip, the Depart- world often pay the highest to fulfill ment of Electrical and Electronic En- their energy requirements. However, gineering committed £10.000 towards much of the developing world is locat- the electrical equipment cost in Rwan- ed in regions of the world where more da and the Government of Rwanda effective use of renewable sources of generously committed 11.000 Euros energy such as solar and wind can be for infrastructure. By end of May we obtained than many parts of the devel- had all of our funding confirmed. Now oped world. came the real hard work: to turn all e.quinox, a student society of around of our words, written documents and 15 people, founded some 15 months promises, into reality i.e. a tangible ago at Imperial College London, rec- product. Obvious questions popped ognized the problem of rural electrifi- up: Do we have enough money? How cation and set out to create a solution do we get equipment to Rwanda? How to give the poorest in the world access long will it take to install the Energy to electric power in a economically The e.quinox team Laurent Van Houcke, Christopher Hopper, Tom Luth, Alexander Rybka, M. Mansoor Hamayun. Kiosk? We started to revise for exams sustainable manner. We at e.quinox (missing in picture: Christopher Baker-Brian, Nd Kejeh, Alexander Mclaren and Mathew Dayton) and in-between squeeze in negotia- chose Rwanda as the country to tailor tions with suppliers and with our local our initial designs: due to its exotic lo- partners in Rwanda. Although reces- cation of being the ‘heart of Africa’, its establish credibility was by partnering lead to four of us (Tom Luth, Laurent with the advisors to the Minister of sion was hitting hard and unemploy- proven track record of recent national up with well recognized partners. In Van Hocke, Chris Hopper and myself) Energy. Four inexperienced students ment was at an all time high, most of economic growth and only 6% of the the early stages of the project, we were landing at Kigali International Airport in their early twenties were asked to the e.quinox members had internships population being connected to the able to confirm the Light Up the World on 4th January 2009 12.05 PM local give a pitch to some 25 top advisors to to do. This resulted in one of the most electric grid. Foundation (they have electrified over time. We had a few meetings organ- the Minister regarding the concept of intense summers in our lives. 8 AM -11 So what could be the technical so- 100.000 homes in over 40 countries) ized with the Kigali Institute of Sci- the Energy Kiosk, and how it may be PM working, in which we worked for lution towards rural electrification? and the Institute of Engineering and ence and Technology (KIST) and with placed in their national energy strat- our respective companies in the morn- The cost analysis of a western type Technology (IET) as one of our of- the development arm of the Belgian egy. We answered each question they ing and on e.quinox in the evening. grid network or micro-grid system ficial partners. These partners were Government i.e. the Belgian Techni- had in a careful manner (we had done The supply chain was quite compli- proved to be very expensive with mas- only able to offer us advice on differ- cal Cooperation. Furthermore, we had a lot of background research and knew cated especially as we needed our main sive overhead and logistic costs associ- ent issues when we requested it; they a meeting organized with a local solar what we were talking about). Two technology, ‘The SparkBox’, to be man- ated with it. One of the most popular were more excited to see if a group of panel supplier and an information staff hours later, we came out with smiling ufactured in-house for 60 households. topologies to rural electrification is a students could live up their claim and member of the Ministry of Infrastruc- faces, as the chief advisor agreed that There was an official contract be- decentralized energy production and commitment. At this stage we started ture. So we started off at KIST and our Energy Kiosk concept is a possible tween e.quinox and the Government of consumption system by which each to contact anyone that had any as- gave our pitch to the Rector of KIST solution towards rural electrification Rwanda to implement the Energy Ki- household is given a solar panel, bat- sociation with ‘Energy’ and ‘Rwanda’. and 15 minutes into the meeting he in Rwanda and could be included in the osk. One of our contractual obligations tery and light. However, this type of It may seem daunting in the begin- seemed very impressed and picked up national energy policy if we prove that was to train and employ two shopkeep- system does not take advantage of the ning to contact organizations such as his phone and started to call someone. the system is economically sustainable. ers to handle the day-to-day running of economies of scale that centralized the Ministry of Infrastructure and the We initially thought that this was a bit Later in the afternoon we met the Min- our system. This was probably one of production offered. Furthermore, we United Nation Development Program. of a rude thing to do, but the Rector ister of Energy (Dr. Albert Butare) and the hardest tasks during our Energy were interested in modeling the way However, after some time you start explained afterwards that he just called received the official support from the Kiosk implementation. Firstly, we had people buy kerosene. Currently, people understanding that each fancy organi- the Minister of Energy of Rwanda and Government of Rwanda, through the no means of communicating with our in rural settings normally buy kerosene zation is just a guy behind a desk with that he had agreed to meet us the fol- Ministry of Infrastructure. So we went potential candidates directly. We had in small quantities to fulfill some days a telephone, computer, secretary and lowing day. So this was the end of our home that day having obtained the of- to use our local team from Kigali In- of consumption. This electrification of a budget somewhat bigger than your day: a few hours after we landed, we ficial support from the Government of stitute of Science and Technology to the kerosene buying model we named own. were secured to give a pitch to the Rwanda, having got our project VAT help us in the translation process. We as the ‘Energy Kiosk’ system. The idea Two days before the end of autumn Minister of Energy himself in one of exempted and promises for partial organized an assessment centre type was that each household is given a term we secured funds from EnVision, his fancy board rooms. funding for implementation. style selection process which involved battery to use for lighting, mobile tel- the OC trust and the Department of The following day we were picked up This story repeated itself a few times interviews, a practical exam and a ephone charging and radio. When the Electrical and Electronic Engineering from our one star hotel by a SUV with and by the end of our January survey written exam. Finally, two people were batteries are depleted they can go to for four of us to go to Rwanda. This diplomatic plates to our first meeting trip to Rwanda we added to our list selected and were given confirmed the energy kiosk and replace the de- employment till the end of December. pleted battery for a charged one in ex- The employees were very enthusiastic change for a small fee. Then came all to have been given the opportunity to the hard questions, in which we needed work with the new technology in the real quantifiable data: How much does Do people in Rwanda need electric power? village. a typical household spend on kerosene None of the members of e.quinox were from Rwanda or had a firm idea of conditions people lived A few weeks later we had a fully run- per month? How many hours of light ning Energy Kiosk. During our last do most people want? Are people even under there. The first fundamental question was: do people in the developing world, in particular meeting with the Minister of Energy willing to change to a LED based light- Rwanda, need electric power? Rather than looking at the source of energy, such as firewood or solar and his advisors there were sugges- ing solution, or does kerosene lighting panels, they started to investigate the uses of energy. From obtaining reports on energy consumption tions that the Government of Rwanda have a traditional value? Who would will sponsor up to 10 new implemen- run any system we set up in Rwanda? in East African Countries and by talking to one of our initial partners, the Light up the World tations of our Energy Kiosk concept in The most important question: Where Foundation, the team found that people in the developing world spend a considerable amount of their Rwanda (valued in excess of 100 000 would a student society, with no ex- income on kerosene based lighting applications in their homes. Using this information the team set the Euros) . perience or credibility find the money Each member of e.quinox contrib- to implement any proposed solution? design criteria. They needed to make a system for home lighting application in a renewable manner uted to a critical element of the project We understood that the only way an which is of higher quality and cheaper than kerosene. and together we worked to achieve inexperienced group of students could something many said would impossi- 6 felix FRIDAY 23 OCTOBER 2009

Comment Editor RaviRavi PallPall COMMENT [email protected] Angry Geek: you are all jobless twats

“Surprised? You essentially bullshitted your way through several years of education”

ooray! You’ve gradu- cheers for you and your unstoppable have graduated. Forget the fact I know you would be too, if you’d essentially If the Rector’s going to stand there and ated! Well, you haven’t, academic momentum. sweet Fanny Adams about my subject bullshitted your way through several individually kiss the arse of every one obviously, otherwise Does it really require the Royal Al- and am going to spend my life ek- years of education. of them, from the first class Aeronauti- H you wouldn’t be read- bert Hall to be emptied and filled ing out a living working for a fucking Oh, but I’m being mean. This is a big cal Engineers through to the third class ing this, but well done with thousands of simpering, besuited project management team or pretend- moment, right? It’s the time in eve- Materials graduates, then I think we’re indeed to all those who did put on a cocks? Does it? It lasted for almost ing to do a PhD, let’s all just focus on ryone’s life where they enter the real well within our rights to set fire to the dress and a stupid face on Wednesday half as long as your time at second- the fact that I’m a graduate. world, where they become an adult, an occasional ceremonial robe. and paraded up and down merry South ary school did, you worked probably And they’ve all got the same look on educated member of society. Let them So it’s Friday for you. It’s too late for Kensington looking like you’d just been half as hard as you did at secondary their face, right? It looks like they’re have this time, this moment of reflec- you to make a difference to the year nominated for a fucking Nobel prize. school, and yet for some reason you’ve about to start high-fiving everyone in tion, you old bastard. just gone. But we can still act now. So Well done you. You managed to main- obtained a License for Fuckwittery and the room. Literally everyone - a Profes- No. Fuck off. They’re the exact same let’s make today Kick A Fourth Year tain a level of work slightly below that plan to practise it with extreme preju- sor will walk up to one of them and it cockbags that were prowling around In The Abdomen day, as a sort of pre- which you showed at A-Level for four dice. The bastards stroll back and forth looks like a scene from a musical about the canteen, the laboratories, the lec- emptive strike. years, without dropping face-first into along the walkway, their rented robes to take place. Which I guess makes ture halls last year, sneering and smug, Want to tell me how your final year a bowl of Red Bull and Chinese food, fluttering in the wind like a coat made sense when you realise that more than it’s just that this year they’re allowed project was a lot of work, actually? falling unconscious and waking up on of dreams. A dream coat. A dream half of these people are probably sur- to do it. Why the hell would I let them Email me: a plinth in Trafalgar Square. Three coat that says yes, I am a graduate. I prised they managed to get this far - off just because they’ve got an excuse. [email protected] Aditya Narayanan: the nature of friendship

“Students here have never lived away from home before. The workload is intense and many get homesick”

hat is the nature of Why? Because we weren’t from the a perverse form of acceptance consid- was not until that February I actually For me, a friend is someone who will a friendship? Think country in question. ering it is not based on who I am as a met a person I could talk to on a deep- bend their back to help you when you about that for a An international student I know person. Last time I checked, I chose my er level, and that too in the unlikeliest need it, yet over the last three years I W second. Seeing all once confessed she thought local stu- friends based on whether I caouldtrust of circumstances. My closest friend is have seen numerous people happy to the freshers around dents would not accept her if she so- them, not whether we shared some someone I only became friends with sit in a comfort zone because it is easy the place, faces bright with enthusi- cialised with them. This same person superficial link. In my experience, by accident, as we were revising in the to do so. Removed from the conven- asm at the thought of university life I then boasts of her pride at the fact her closed-mindedness is an attribute of same location during exam season. On ience of the situation, these people wonder, as someone on the verge of fellow nationals all look out for each individuals rather than any particular the surface we are all from vastly dif- would probably never be friends in the departure, is there any advice I could other. Maybe if she treated everyone group – all it takes is one rotten apple ferent backgrounds, yet a lot of our at- first place. pass on. What have I learnt that is of equally instead of singling out those for the entire bunch to be tainted. titudes are similar. Ask yourselves, be you new or soon- use during my time here? with the same passport as her she Put yourself in another person’s Imperial with the same clichés: not to-graduate, what makes you as a per- Look in any lecture theatre and there would not have such a problem. These shoes. A large proportion of students enough girls, the union sucks, people son? Is it measured by the company you seems to be an unwitting segregation things work both ways, and if your atti- here have never lived away from home are boring/antisocial. These people keep? Or is it defined by the choices taking place between students on the tude towards people is already insular before. The workload is intense and never show any intention to go out and you make in life. Get out of your com- same course. It is a definite elephant in then what right do you have to com- many get homesick – I know I did. meet people anyway, and treat alterna- fort zone and meet people you would the room; the sort of issue that people plain? Someone else complains that Most of us are in the same boat, no tive viewpoints to theirs with disdain. not normally socialise with; it will be mutter about under their breath but those in their current social group do matter where we’re from or what we’re In a similar vein, there are societies worth it. They could be the friends you rarely discuss seriously. In most cases not understand them. However, they studying, and unless we actually at- whose openness towards others is al- have for life. Opening yourself up a lit- it is unconscious and not intended to refuse to make friends outside of the tempt to get to know someone, how most non-existent. One only needs to tle will make you appreciate your ex- alienate anyone but in a few cases it group because they “wouldn’t be last- can we judge whether they are similar look at the level of backstabbing that isting friends as well as potential new results in the type of attitude where ing friends” due to the fact that after to us or not? In my first year I spent occurs within the committees of most ones. Don’t feel intimidated, most peo- a group of people (including myself) graduation they will return home. excessive amounts of time with people societies (not to mention the union it- ple are just as self-conscious as you are. were prevented from joining one of the Friends of mine tell me I must be ‘one I had nothing in common with purely self) to begin to feel apathetic towards If the roles were reversed, wouldn’t you overseas societies in our second year. of theirs’ because I hang out with them, because it was convenient to do so. It its proceedings. appreciate a friendly hello? felix FRIDAY 23 OCTOBER 2009 7 COMMENT [email protected] 9 Lives: is graduation actually a happy occasion? “When it’s all over, we’re expected to celebrate the poor form of living we have endured for so long.”

seem to have been the only aren’t you going?’ was the general to my older sister’s graduation, subse- made my sadness kick in. Oh crap. person in the whole of Impe- question. Well, the answer to that is quently making me refund the tickets On an utterly random note, I made Then I apologised profusely saying rial who does not feel the need because it’s all a lie! Of course it’s all feeling wholly un-proud, whilst book- a complete utter fool of myself on the how I had mixed the artist up with I to thrive off the euphoria of a lie! We spend 3-4 years toiling and ing their own tickets for a trip abroad. tube yesterday. Having tried to act so- Cecil Helman, who I was contemplat- wearing an impressive billowing complaining and shitting about abso- Thirdly, I didn’t get the class of de- cial, rather than the other people who ing whether I had actually met before. Harry-Potter-like-gown. lutely everything! Then when it’s all gree that I was aiming for. I was close, looked like the essence of life had been I have just googled him now, and yup- I have bumped into some old friends over, we’re expected to celebrate the but it didn’t happen. So acting like I’m knocked out of them, I stabbed at a he’s dead too. To cover up my huge and they actually had a vivid look of in- poor form of living we have endured all happy for something that I feel I conversation with a middle aged lady embarrassment, I enquired after the credulity on their stunned faces when I for so long. Sorry, but the harrowing failed at is not something I want to do. sitting next to me. She was looking artist, and the lady got a bit passion- said ‘Yeah, I’m not going to graduation experiences of university life, coupled Hence, I shall, once again, be the odd- over a publicising leaflet for some art- ate and started talking about the soul, but I’m going to do some work instead!’ with that of living at home and still be- ball and act anti-socially, by being the ist called Cecil Collins, and I unfortu- something that terrified me a little, I My nerdish traits surprise even myself ing made to feel like a child, does not annoyingly depressive person out of nately mixed that up in my trying-to- have no idea why. I was then incredibly sometimes, I am doing a postgraduate imprint many happy memories for me. a crowd of happy smiling people with be-social brain with Cecil Helman. I unsocial and returned to my newspa- course so I’m not really in need of any The second reason for my absence flashing cameras and proud parents. spoke suddenly to the woman, saying per with a grace befitting incivility of graduation ceremonies at present. was because when I bought the tickets I must say, there was a mellow sad- how I met the person described on the the highest rank. Well, as you can imagine, most peo- to let the parents into this student ha- ness about today. Perhaps it was be- leaflet; she looked very interested, but She said goodbye when she left the ple thought I was mad for not wanting ven we call University, they mentioned cause I felt alienated, and subjected to said that I couldn’t have met him, be- train. to attend my own graduation: ‘why how bored they were when they went incredulous looks the whole day that cause he had been dead for 10 years. James Cox: why I’m in love with the East “It is very often too extrovert for an engineering student like me, I don’t think I’ll ever live somewhere... so much fun”

e’re pretty lucky For a start, bars-wise it’s by far my (which super-Hoxton party girl Flor- floors, in Roman cum Indian and T-Rex, Joy Division, Blur – not always guys here at Impe- favourite place to go out at night. It’s ence Welsh seems to enjoy). But this is Moorish mosaics and chandeliers – to deep, but soulful. rial; not only do we wealth of colourful individualistic nothing compared to the bar interiors gloriously run down, like the intriguing But the gentrification of Shoreditch W get to gloat at our drinking and partying holes laugh themselves, which range from ornate pub The Griffin. The Red Lion is basi- and Hoxton (ShoHo) is a new thing, mates over the fact in the faces of the pathetic corporate - the Commercial Tavern, for exam- cally some weird-arse living room that and the new funky crowd has not oblit- that we’re cleverer than them, we also Youngs and Fullers dominated ma- ple, has cov- ered all two sells Kronenbourg. erated the armies of settlers that have get to live in what many people belive chines of Paddington and Hammer- The music is fantastic as well. Whilst lived here for years. And this means to be the greatest city in the world. smith. They’re crowded with students, there are legions of fancy pansy indie awesome, great value curry houses But it is so big, and there is so much musicians, fashion designers and all bands, there are also some pretty (No, not the ones on Brick Lane). to do, it is rare that we ever manage to other kinds of interesting people, exciting real bands, like Ulterior. Like Chaat, where you’ll get a genuine venture beyond Onanon on a Thurs- most of the time dancing rather And Old Blue Last, owned by but exceptional meal for under a ten- day night, or on very special occasions, than sitting and always having vice magazine, seems to take ner. And there are loads more like it Camden. Which is a shame, because a laugh. Even better are the anything from metal to rap. in Whitechapel, but get in on the act we’re missing out on the most exciting, ranges of booze: Kick-ass But a party there doesn’t quick while they’re still true, because vibrant and coolest part of the city: the lagers like Kirin Ichiban just mean impenetrable the Rough Guides and Time Outs are East. and Birra Morreti are underground music; creeping up on them like leeches. I was lucky enough to live in commonplace, and you the classics will al- There’s so much more to say about Shoreditch over the summer. Yep, it can find some ways come why I love the area; the fry ups in the is very often too extrovert for an engi- of the weirdest out. And I mornings, the awesome sample sales in neering student like me, I don’t think ales. And a per- don’t mean new shops desperate to be cool, booze- I’ll ever live somewhere that is so much sonal favourite, Britney, I ing in Victoria Park in the sun. But the fun – the thing that seems to be exclu- Aspall Cyder mean The best advice I can give is to go there. Go sively what most of its residents live is found pretty Faces, the there twice, go with your best mates, for! cheap in Catch Small Faces, make a night of it. You won’t regret it. UNION ELECTIONS: AUTUMN 2009

Elections and manifestos explained for you

ardly three weeks into Sciences), 2 GSEPS representatives, 1 tions. It is the overseeing committee the Council. Giving this power to the your analysis. Don’t like any of them? the new academic year, GSLSM representative and 1 non-fac- at the top of the Union. Big decisions wrong person could potentially have Vote RON (Re-open Nominations) to Imperial College Union ulty representative. may have to be made here, but less adverse consequences. run the election for that position again. H have opened the first An International Officer will be con- frequently. Councillors meet roughly once a Some of the faculties still have out- round of elections for tested in this round of elections too; Council is one of the most important month to discuss the overall direc- standing positions to fill, so you still the year 2009-2010. The Autumn elec- the elected student responsible for committees within the Union as the tion the Union is going in. The people have a chance to stand. tions will see the Union Council take welfare and issues relating to the inter- decisions made by it affect every stu- throughout these pages will have to shape in the form of 4 undergradu- national community at Imperial. dent on campus. Most importantly, the give their views on this decision as well To vote, go to www. ate representatives for each Faculty The Trustee Board is also appointed Members of the Council are given the as many other important ones. imperialcollegeunion.org/vote. Voting (Engineering, Medicine and Natural by the student body by the way of elec- power to vote on decisions brought to Below are their manifestos, ready for opens on Monday, the 26th October.

Let your voice be heard! As YOUR My name is Apostolia ( or Polly)Mat- representative of Department of En- raki as most of you know me! I am cur- Undergraduate gineering in the Union Council, I will rently in my 2nd year , doing Biomedi- stand up for your opinion. cal Engineering. I won’t overwhelm Councillors Basically, the Union Council is the you with lots of stuff. ..I just wanted to policy-making body of the union, say that as an active member of many where everything starts and mat- societies here at Imperial and outside ters. And my point is our department of it, I have developed really good skills should receive more money and more for the position I am applying in these rights, so we can organize more fun elections! Besides that, I am really en- events, have an awesome uni life, and thusiastic and interested in working for have even better labs!! our faculty and you all ,this year!!So all How am I different? I am not afraid of I am asking for is your vote, for a better saying what I want to say—regardless faculty, and for new ideas to be placed of what other members of the council on the table!! I think it is high time we may think at first. I’ve got nothing to all made a new change to something lose for expressing your opinion. How- better. .. ever, if I don’t do it, I will lose myself. I love engineering way too much to do Best wishes to everyone, bring it down. So, in order to see a change, in or- Apostolia Apostolia Matraki He-in Cheong der to see your goals for our depart- ment become reality, let your voice be Matraki

Hi. I’m Lawrence and I’m a second year My name is Rikki and I am a third year computer scientist. I was an Engineer- Chemical Engineering student. I am ing Undergraduate Rep for Imperial currently the Vice-President (Finance College Union Council last year, my & Societies) in the City & Guilds Col- first year at Imperial. I have seen how lege Union, as well as a member of the things are done, and taken part in de- New Clubs Committee. I also work in bates and voting on important issues the Student Activities Centre, where I such as the splitting of the DPEW role. have good contact with the Sabbaticals I am heavily involved in the Engineer- and Union staff. I sat on Council last ing Faculty Union (as well as being year as an Engineering Ordinary Mem- CGCA Officer for the Alumni associa- ber, and was involved with the decision tion)and will use all of my knowledge to split the old Deputy President (Edu- and practice to represent Engineers cation & Welfare). I feel that I should properly on Council, as well as keeping sit on Council again this year as I am them informed of what is happening very experienced in most matters it in THEIR student union through the covers, and know that it is Council’s CGCU student media. I shall hold the job to hold the Sabbaticals to account- union to account whenever possible, especially at a time when new posi- and ensure that all decisions made will tions exist. You should vote for me to be of the greatest possible benefit to ensure that someone with experience Lawrence Weetman students in the Faculty of Engineering Rikki Norris is there to represent you, as Engineers, at Council.

As the City & Guilds Union Represent- Hey everyone, I’m Zahra! So, why ative I am responsible for voicing the should you vote for me...well for a opinion of our faculty; this includes the start, my vision is to enhance your Committees of the C&G but more im- experience of studying engineering portantly your voice as a student. I will at Imperial, and make it a somewhat help determine policies that you want more enjoyable experience. Of course, on the issues in our union. No photo supplied engineering is by far the hardest sub- I have represented many sections of ject (obviously), and we have LOADS our college from Clubs & Societies to of work to do, but we need to find time the Halls that we all once lived in and I to allow us to have fun. You can be sure now want to represent you. that I will help make your voices heard, and do my best to try and make sure Vote for me, Edward O Hare. that we have more social events. NGINEERING

SO PLEASE VOTE FOR ME!

E Edward O’Hare Zara Moledina NATURAL POSTGRADUATE ENGINEERING POSITIONS SCIENCES (CONTINUED) Undergraduate Councillors epSa HannahShort Deep Shah Councillors Postgraduate Physical Sciences of Engineeringand Graduate School submitted. manifesto orphotoswere ulty ofEngineering,butno standing withintheFac- Zubin Jehangir Nicholas Heung ONMNTOSNO NOMINATIONS NO NOMINATIONS reading! Think Deep whenyouvote. Thinkreading! Deep affordable. for Thanks dence facilities unionandhallsofresi- 3)Keep events. the reputation ofthe union’s student Improve the quality andconsequently that to 2) provide. the uniondecides rather thanices those that are needed thus the unionto serv- provide direct and in order ourneeds to understand meetings by attend andsocieties clubs 1)Continuetoo: approachable to be endeavour Iwill Ifelected too. position ofthe aspect for the technical pared that Ifeel Iamwell Oxfam, from pre- atrustee andwith investment banks two firm, at anaccountancy worked Having ofstudentthe trustee. position andthereforeities for Iamrunning qual- these Ipossess Ibelieve required. to confidentproach andtalk butalso is to ap- whoiseasy anindividual dents interestunion are inthe ofthe best stu- To the madeabout ensure decisions are also are also & Councillors Postgraduate Medicine Life Sciencesand Graduate Schoolof www.imperialcollegeunion.org/vote OOctober MMonday, 26th VOTING OPENS... Union Council c o t n o d b a e y r ,

2 to eat? bite priced the for market areasonably scouring after potatoes of plainjacket onadiet andsurviving inlectures seat sitting slightly twoto so a putout, ever student Are lifestyle? weright to feel imperative for butarethings our they –ouruniversityisdoinggreat tering cordon ca- bleu living, luxury 5 star member for Naturalmember Sciences. yourcouncil as vote for HannahShort please at ofthe heart, studentes body considerationwith the andwith wish- their vote a representative whocasts Ifyouwouldlike are notoverlooked. andneeds must ensure that ourviews commercialthis climate, fragile we in to afloat staying education class afirst providing from priorities its As Imperial College slowly changes slowlychanges College Imperial As 6 t h

Councillors

MEDICINE Undergraduate As certain students issues close are to our hearts, such as keeping cost of the receiving first class teaching,living low, passing a great and having stu- exams you and represent to I intend life. dent will issues benefitpush for that you, for lowering of campus cost the example pastfood, to access exam more having papers and making social events our at me for Vote bigger and better. Union dis- student more and you will for vote counts, better degrees, and a fantastic universities all other that life student will be jealous elected, of! If I will: - Listen speak you and to reflect up to your opinions. - Make decisions in your best interests. - Provide relevant feedback you. to efficient and effective- Promote use of budget and resources. Union’s the questions or sugges- any If you have me, feel free tions for email me at to [email protected] Having seen tumultuous changes seen Having to tumultuous years,recent in Union the from the Beit redevelopment Governance to changes, NUS or leaving creat- the to ing new sabbaticals, I am concerned as medicsthat involved rarely we are in or even deci- big ignorant of the seats three affect sions that us. With power the to on Council we have make serious changes, if we but only proactive rec- and striveare the for I pretend ognition we deserve. I don’t changes or overnight make huge could I can what but revolutionise Union, the honest and dedicated rep- give is fair, coupled necessaryresentation with the Trustee on the sat Having experience. boardinvolved and been extensively with Clubs and societies I see where opportunitiesthe lie. If and problems elected, I will seek tirelessly out and and concerns, your problems voice and be medicdecent won’t representation Henry. Jaimie a pipe dream. Vote even not might the know what You ICU Council is, and yet they’re con- be- making decisionsstantly on YOUR vitally impor- half! Because it’s of this we as medics that tant use our voice - especiallyon council in these times our Imperial at where chipping away is independence tra- the and taking away make ICSM medical- the ditions that school of! I want proud are we love and ICSM help useto its I would voice! views the that of ensure and concerns medics heard, respected are and taken decisions in all the consideration into allow IC to makes.council I wouldn’t overlook us just because we represent a supposedly minority “troublesome” very university! I’m passionate this at too you are sure about ICSM – as I’m passion use this increase to our – let’s influence our position and improve on deci- for fight ICUthe Council, let’s will benefitsions that us medics! NORA!VOTE Justine Zhang Nora Schorscher Jaimie Henry

Non-Faculty Councillors: NO NOMINATIONS Being a second year medic, I am best Having beenHaving part of several commit- As Deputy of ICSM President Students’ it would be a privilege year, this Union Medical represent the to School as an Ordinary Council Member. ICSM time at I have my Throughout been involved with all aspects of medi- I have cal school Importantly, life. spent two years on ICSMSU which has provided a valuable understanding goesof all that on within our medical is- of the school and an appreciation sues body. faced by our student year SU this is multi- on the role My in- faceted and requires continuous withteraction ICSM from all students years. As posi- a result I feel in a strong your views ensure tion to heard at are absolute Council. I will do my Union values the utmost represent to tra- and medicalditions of the school, whilst being in taking pro-active medical the school forward when important deci- very ap- much beingsions are made. I’d you! Thank your vote. preciate As Deputy of ICSM President Students’ it would be a privilege year, this Union Medical represent the to School as an Ordinary Council Member. ICSM time at I have my Throughout been involved with all aspects of medi- I have cal school Importantly, life. spent two years ICSMSU on which has provided a valuable understanding goesof all that on within our medical is- of the school and an appreciation sues body. faced by our student year SU this is multi- on the role My in- faceted and requires continuous withteraction ICSM from all students years. As posi- a result I feel in a strong views your ensure tion to heard at are absolute Council. I will do my Union values the utmost represent to and tra- medicalditions of the school, whilst being in taking pro-active medical the school forward when important deci- very ap- much beingsions are made. I’d you! Thank your vote. preciate positioned the represent not only to younger two years of the voices on the older years,Council, but also the many met whilst on com- of whom I have mittees. Please me, and I will for vote medical the represent school, giving rep- opinion, but one that not just my resents all of ours! tees time so during Imperial, far my at worked number withI have a large of people, we heard and a lot of what of, and less make would like more of, to clubs even better. Imperial and it’s The Central Council and Imperial and Council Central The a mystery a bit of are mostPolitics to all you are students. that I’ll make sure informed important of the decisions Council, espe-by the made are that cially those affecting policy Union and budgets, basis. on a monthly

F

is also standing but no manifesto or photos were submitted. is also standing but no manifesto or photos were ACULTY

- N ON

Asanka Wijendra

Walls Alexander

Richard Hewitt Agneish Dutta Trustee Board and International Officer

INTERNATIONAL STUDENT OFFICER TRUSTEE Al-Yassin Amina were submitted. festo orphotos er, butnomani- ternational offic- standing forIn- Hasnan Noor & Matthew Fitch are

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b a e y r , 12 felix FRIDAY 23 OCTOBER 2009

    #    Science Editors Nathan Ley & Brigette AtkinsAtkins 

SCIENCE [email protected]  One small step for science & free speech The most recent development in the Simon Singh libel case brings hope to the global cientific community

DDuncanuncan CCaseyasey Science Reporter Chiropractic Association attempted ally wins or loses the protracted legal to stifle any debate by suing for libel in argument. A campaign orchestrated the courts. by Sense About Science has garnered Last Wednesday morning, in a large Singh now faces being bankrupted some twenty thousand signatures in and mostly empty courtroom in the by the practitioners of this dubious art, support of both his case and numerous Royal Courts of Justice, science writer for ‘defaming their reputation’ through others, where scientists and potential Simon Singh won the right to appeal what many argue is a very valid criti- whistleblowers have been prevented the ruling of the meaning of one sen- cism. As a result, the outcome could from making factually accurate state- tence of an article he wrote some eight- be vital for us all: for science to move ments under fear of prosecution due een months ago. forward, we have to be able to pick to Britain’s arcane libel laws. Look it Why should you, I, or for that mat- holes in one another’s ideas and prac- up and add your name: in the course of ter, anyone care? Well, the article in tices, and if this can be quashed via the your career as a scientist, you will defi- question regarded whether the ma- courts rather than through research nitely be called upon to criticise the nipulation of babies’ spines was in any and analysis of the data, then we may work of others. Whether you are able way effective for the treatment of ear as well all go home. Furthermore, this to or not without fear of reprisal may infections (no), or potentially dam- isn’t just about someone’s pet ideas – if depend upon the outcome of this case. aging to their health (unsurprisingly, data regarding ineffective and poten- For more information visit www.sen- the evidence suggests this may be the tially harmful ‘therapies’ can be hidden seaboutscience.org.uk/freedebate case); the appeal regards whether or in this way, how can you or anyone else not Singh, as a scientist and writer, possibly make an informed decision could criticise such potentially dan- regarding their health or that of their gerous practices in the public domain. children? Rather than present their evidence and The outcome of this case may well Popular science writer, Simon Singh, has been accused of ‘defaming the publically argue the point, the British yet be positive, whether Singh eventu- reputation’ of the British Chiropractic Association Scientists disparage UKBA plan for genetic passports Proposal for genuine asylum seekers to be identfied through genetic testing deemed ‘scientifically flawed’

SShupaulahupaula DDassass Science Reporter An example of this failing would be a Somalian who has parents from two different geographic regions. This We’ve all had that awful passport child would be of a third region be- photo. The one that fails to capture longing to neither ‘genetic geographic our natural beauty or at the very least, region’. A simple concept, but omitted oneself on an OK day. We may envy entirely from the UK Border Agency’s those without passports. Or not. The plan. They seem to be confusing ances- British government is now toying with try with nationality. the idea of using genetics to identify Beyond the fickle rationale of the nationality. government’s plans, the implications The UK Border Agency has con- of enforcing the genetic testing are se- tacted researchers with a proposal of vere. If they wanted to pursue this path, genetically testing asylum seekers, spe- large genetic samples from Somalia cifically from the war fractured Soma- and surrounding countries would be lia. Their goal is to separate the genuine needed, raising the issue of time and applicants from those in neighbouring money. Many groups would inevita- Kenya. Unfortunately for the paper bly come forward to protest such as pushers, this will remain a dream as migration organizations, population the latest editorial in Nature dispar- geneticists and the public themselves. ages the plan; ‘[The] scheme to estab- Currently asylum seekers have the lish nationality through DNA testing is choice of providing swabs for testing scientifically flawed, ethically dubious or not. If the genetic testing becomes and damaging to science.’ standard procedure and an individual In a nutshell, the government want- rejects, it could worsen the relations ed to examine the unique SNPs (sin- and situation. Further cause of suspi- gle nucleotide polymorphisms) in the cion would only be aroused as a result. mitochondria of approximately 100 As Orwell predicted in his novel ‘Somalians’. 1984, we are in a Big Brother age. An SNP is exactly what it says on are included. easier to study than African. ‘Nobody Another method voiced involved With so many advances it has become the tin. A variation in DNA sequence The genotyping of SNPs is probably has quantified the misclassification using the isotopic ratios of elements hard to rein in scientific speculation. of a genome attributed to a single nu- what has conjured the idea of ‘genetici- rate. Europeans are very well studied found in hair and fingernails. These Technically by now we should all have cleotide - A, T, G, or C and it differs sation’ of nationality. and relatively homogeneous; their ge- provide an indication of an individual’s national I.D cards, our iris scans on between members of a species. For Recently scientists have compiled netic patterns are fairly simple because diet and environment. Again this ar- record and flying around campus on example: substantial SNP databases, leading to of the recent settlement of much of gument can be quashed. It does not hoverboards. Whilst the latter may still Person 1 reads: ATGGC easier geographical identification of Europe. African populations go back take into account the factor of human be a little far fetched, so is the idea of Person 2 reads: ATGAC European groups. However scientists further in time, have greater levels of populations migrating, which has hap- genetic passports at this time, or ever. Traditionally if these differences in stress that it would be like a shot in the genetic variation and are not well stud- pened for thousands of years. Genetic Thankfully, the government has back- alleles (the G and the A from Persons dark to apply this method to a conti- ied. I do not think the research exists variability is not confined to borders. tracked on their idea, but they haven’t 1 and 2) occurred at a frequency of 1% nent such as Africa. to adequately underpin the proposed Epigenetics (the idea that the environ- dismissed it altogether. or greater, they were labeled as SNPs We at Felix asked visiting Professor programme. Even if it did there would ment interacts with our genes) is pos- I don’t know about you but I don’t or snips. However as science has pro- David Balding, a population geneti- still be a relatively high error rate be- sible, but to base a person’s future en- mind my passport photo so much now. gressed, snips that occur less than 1% cist, why European populations are cause of recent migrations.’ tirely on such methods is incredulous. In any case, it expires in 10 years. ACCA, Accenture UK, Amadeus, Arthur D Little, Aston Martin Lagonda Ltd, Bank of America, Barclays Capital, Bloomberg LP, Bristows, CHP Consulting, Corus (TATA Steel), CRA International, Credit Suisse, CSC, Deloitte LLP, Detica, Deutsche Bank, DNV Ltd, Doosan Babcock Energy Ltd, Dow Chemical Company Ltd, Efficio, Ernst & Young, Financial Services Authority, General Electric, Hemming Group, Hewitt Associates, Hymans Robertson LLP, IBM, IMS Consulting, KPMG, L.E.K. Consulting, Lloyd's, Lloyds Banking Group, Lovells LLP, Management Solutions, McKinsey and Company, Mercer, Metaswitch Networks, Milkround.com, National Audit Office, National Nuclear Laboratory, Oliver Wyman, Operis, PricewaterhouseCoopers LLP, Procter and Gamble, Rolls-Royce Plc, Royal Air Force, Shell, Societe Generale, Standard Bank, SunGard, Teach First, The College of Law, Thomson Reuters,Tibra Capital, UBS. Unilever all in one place on campus 14 felix FRIDAY 23 OCTOBER 2009

    #    BBusinessusiness EditorEditor SinaSina AtaherianAtaherian 

BUSINESS [email protected]  BNP’s Question Time debut opposed As the BBC asserts its impartiality, Business Editor Sina Ataherian considers the different motivations behind the protests against the decision to host the BNP alongside mainstream parties.

n Thursday the British Clearly racism has not been enough als, supermarkets, the services sector and Mussolini have since then been past. For an especially amazing exam- National Party were of a barrier to these people opting for of the economy, private property and increasingly portrayed as ‘far-right’. ple, think of the word ‘regulation’. It’s hosted on the BBC’s the BNP. Luckily for the rest of us, the so forth. Secret racist sympathies and A second look at their actual policies meaning has been turned upside down O flagship political panel Party itself offers dozens more as yet cynical attempts to gain popularity by shows that this is nothing more than in order to reverse the intentions of programme, Question under-publicised reasons not to vote sitting MPs aside, the motivation for the tactic of changing word meanings, the US Constitution’s framers. They Time, for the first time in the show’s for it. This begs the question of why the political organisers of such protests as popularly warned against by George used it unequivocally to mean ‘to keep history. As would be expected, large presumably well-informed political ac- is clear. Orwell. Semantics may not seem to regular’ whereas it is now pretty much demonstrations have been planned to tivist types would not want Mr Griffin Fascism was always been known as be on the same level of importance as thought of as meaning ‘to interfere in coincide with the episode’s filming. to rant before the whole nation against a particularly vile creature of the hard the political issues of the day, but this and impede’. The protestors wish to criticise the the evils of respected military Gener- Left. Amazingly, the likes of Hitler tactic has been highly successful in the Although it is difficult to know BBC for its decision to reward the Par- where on the traditional left-right ty’s success at the European elections spectrum to put policies such as rid- with increased coverage and publicity. ding the NHS of its administrative staff The BBC’s Director-General, Mark and restarting the war on the IRA, the Thompson, has defended the BBC’s BNP still sits squarely to the left of La- decision by arguing that “It remains bour. It draws most of its supporters the BBC’s obligation to scrutinise and from the ranks of Old Labour voters hold to account all elected representa- disillusioned with their former Party’s tives and to do so with due impartial- Blairite drift towards the centre. It es- ity.” In common with anyone writing a pouses policies such as compulsory news article on the BNP, BBC journal- worker-share ownership, protection- ists benefit from a generally accepted ism and the re-nationalisation of great right to express their own opinion of swathes of the economy. the Party through their reporting. Even At first it may appear ironic that the when a sentence is expressed in a way flyers advertising the protest around so as to sound impartial, this is done campus mention as their partner or- in a comical and mocking tone that ganisation within IC, the Socialist would be completely unacceptable if Worker Student Society, or SWSS (yes, the news was about almost any other I checked, that is a real society and yes, party. I asked, it is not meant to be satirical). For this reason protestors concerned This may seem almost as laughable only about the racism issue should as the idea of putting on a big dem- take a chill pill. No one who does not onstration against the BNP receiving already support the BNP is going to be publicity. In fact, it is entirely to be converted by hearing Nick Griffin ex- expected. No-one within the political plain how the physically- and intellec- mainstream can seriously fear Mr Grif- tually-superior indigenous majority is fin turning the nation racist through being colonised by minorities. On the his rational debating skills on Question other hand, almost a million people Time. The likes of Peter Hain and the did support the Party at the last elec- SWSS on the other hand have every tions. It is highly doubtful that most of reason to fear the broadcast of most of these people are genuinely racist and their views, sprinkled with some cas- it is widely acknowledged that many ual racism that in fairness they clearly of them cast their votes purely in pro- do not share, on national television test at the fumbling, expense-claiming, through the voice of Nick Griffin. mainstream parties. Review of the week’s business news Asset markets continue recent trends What’s the Fed up to now? Demand for Treasuries defies weakness of the Dollar Snowe may not be a traitor

Investors are continuing to flee USD The Federal Reserve has decided more popular is clearly visible. The When the Senate Finance Committee amid growing signals of increased that threats to the supposed recovery Fed’s consideration of political factors passed the latest version of the broad-money inflation. Speculation trump long-term inflation fears. It has is known to be higher either side of healthcare Bill, it claimed bi-partisan that China and oil producers are reduced the target rate for overnight important nominations, as in this case support after Sen. Olympia Snowe, reconsidering their commitment to lending to 0-.25% in response, and for Chairman, Ben Bernanke. R-Maine, voted with the Democrats. the world’s reserve currency has been is claiming that this is contributing The stakes are now even higher as The most controversial of the proposals fuelling the exit. This is leading the to rising demand for US Treasuries, support grows for two Congressional have been considered unlikely to pass charge into commodities, dragging alongside a flight to “quality.” bills that aim to remove restrictions ever since August’s townhall meetings them right out of their December Expectations that China will act to on the Government Accountability showed where public opinion stands. 2008 lows. Eyes are strongly focused stop the Dollar sliding too far, both Office’s ability to audit the Fed. These The original Bills would probably have on gold, which will need to reach to support its exporters and because bills now both enjoy strong bi-partisan been filibustered by Repubicans and $2000 before regaining its inflation- it owns $800 billion, are limiting the support, enough to override a presi- moderate Democrats. Far from being adjusted 1980 peak. Commodity damage of this policy. dential veto in the House. Senior Fed a backstabber, Senator Snowe may exporters have seen their currencies Factors counting against the claim staff have been scrambling to win over have taken one for the team by offering appreciating significantly. Meanwhile, of rising demand for Treasuries in- the 75% of Americans who say they are the Democrats an opportunity to rising equities are generally not being clude the weakening USD, the trillion fed up with the Fed. There now seems save face whilst withdrawing most of accompanied by increasing optimism Dollar deficit and the record US debt. to be a tactical shift from threatening their important demands. It is worth as the nominal gains are being put Suspic ions are falling on the Fed be- surging inflation to trying to show that noting that the Committe did not need down to the weakening Dollar. US ing up to no good, as usual. Instances investors still trust the system. Recent Snowe’s vote to get the Bill passed 14- Treasuries have remained strong amid of it distorting various securities mar- federal judgements against Fed exemp- 9. If Senators such as Blanche Lincoln growing suspicions that the Fed may be kets in the past are well documented. tion from the Freedom of Information side with Republicans in the final vote, buying them up. The incentive to make Treasuries look Act may shed some light. Snowe may yet join in fillibustering. Wednesday 28 October 11am - 4pm • Queen’s Lawn • Imperial College London • South Kensington

fi nd your future

imperialcollegeunion.org/careersfair 16 felix FRIDAY 23 OCTOBER 2009 PPoliticsolitics Editors JamesJames Goldsack, Katya-yani Vyas,Vyas, JamesJames Lees and Phil MurrayMurray POLITICS [email protected] Wilders Arrives In UK Gingerism and the BNP JamesJames LLeesees Politics Editor Last Friday the Dutch MP Geert PhilPhil MurrayMurray Politics Editor Wilders came to London after suc- cessfully overturning a Home Office decision to deny him entry into the UK in February this year. Mr Wilders has his week has been an ‘in- other things, was the use images of been the focus of much controversy teresting’ one for me. Due a Spitfire, a red Poppy, and Winston over his radical views on Islam, which to an unfortunate hair dye- Churchill in BNP propaganda, includ- inolves his comparing the Koran to T ing accident at the week- ing their website. Griffin is also com- Mein Kampf. end, I now look like I am monly seen in photos using the ‘V for In February Wilders was invited to being sponsored by easyJet. You might Victory’ sign (personally, I like to think screen his film Fitna in the House of have seen me walking around campus that he is just telling himself to fuck Lords by a UKIP peer, Lord Pearson, – I am quite hard to miss. Yes, I am off). It is sadly ironic that Griffin mod- which was to be followed by a discus- suffering from the terrible Gingervitus! els himself on our great wartime leader, sion. This started a protest from Lord Now I have temporarily joined their when he spent his time in office fighting Ahmed, the first Muslim life peer and a ranks, I did some research into ‘Gin- against these sorts of racist, suprema- member of the Labour party, who was gerism’, the discrimination against red- cist ideas. reported to say he would “bring a force heads, and found out that last Novem- Worst of all is the fact that Griffin said of 10,000 Muslims to lay siege to the ber, a Facebook group with over 5,000 in 1998 that he was “well aware that the Lords if the campaigning anti-Islamist members caused outrage by organising orthodox opinion is that six million Jews Dutch MP Geert Wilders was allowed a ‘National Kick a Ginger Day’. This were gassed and cremated and turned to speak”. kind of unwarranted prejudice should into lampshades; orthodox opinion Lord Ahmed was successful in stop- have no place in our modern society, also once held that the Earth was flat”. ping Mr Wilders from speaking to the so why oh why does the BNP exist (see He had reached the conclusion that the House, as upon arrival he was prompt- what I did there!)? “extermination” tale is a mixture of “Al- ly taken to a secure room then flown This week must have also been an ‘in- lied wartime propaganda, extremely straight back to the Netherlands under teresting’ one for 16,000 BNP members profitable lie, and latter witch-hysteria”. orders from then Home Secretary Jac- whose names, addresses, email address- I would pay good money to see the ass- qui Smith. Smith had declared Wilders es and phone numbers were leaked on- whooping Churchill would dish out on to be an “undesirable person” and re- line last week. This is the second time him if he were still around today. fused him entry to the UK under Regu- in a year this has happened, and this By the time you read this, Griffin will lation 19 of the Immigration (Europe- Dutch MP Geert Wilders enjoys pushing his right to free speech to the limit time round it seems membership has have appeared on the BBC’s Question an Economic Area) Regulations 2006, dropped compared to the last list. Also Time program. In the run up to this, an EU law allowing refusal of entry to revealed was the claim that the BNP had there have been many calls for this to be individuals if they are regarded as con- still screened in the House and viewed So on this occasion Geert Wilders over 100,000 members, made by party pulled, but I hope it has not been. This stituting a threat to public policy, secu- by roughly 30 peers without Wilders was allowed to express his views, his leader Nick Griffin, whose details were will only be a further opportunity for rity or health. being present to explain his film. freedom of speech was not suppressed amongst those released, was a blatant him to embarrass himself and his party, At the time refusing Wilders entry Still, just over 8 months later, the and nor were the protestors, who lie, achieved by adding a ‘1’ to the front something he has proved to be very was condemned by much of the me- ban on Wilders being allowed into the Wilders was more than keen to point of the sequential membership number. good at. Go on, watch it, I dare you! dia as it was seen to be appeasing the UK has been overturned by the Asy- out would not be allowed to express Griffin has had a very ‘interesting’ Even if you know nothing about Politics militant Islamists who are criticised in lum and Immigration Tribunal to the their views so openly under Sharia law. week. Last Thursday, was the news (God knows I don’t!) you will not fail to Fitna. It also called into question free disapproval of the Home Office and Following all the fuss that was kicked that the BNP’s constitution was deemed realise how wrong his ideals are. That’s speech, as Wilders’ right to put forth Lord Ahmed has been to jail for kill- up around the banning in February racist by the UK’s equality watchdog. not an opinion - that’s just fact! his views had been blocked due to the ing a man. Wilders was again invited to in comparison to the events of this No-shit-Sherlock moment there! What Think of the BNP as an embarrassing, fear of the violence it might provoke Britain by Lord Pearson to discuss his month, it seems that the government made me laugh was that because of annoying in-joke. Please try and keep it from a tiny minority. In Britain the views on Sharia Law. would have played the situation far this, it has to be revised to allow non- that way. In May there will be a general laws of the land decree dictates that a The original plan had been for him to better had they just let the man speak white members to enter the party. election. We all know there is a lot of person has the right to free speech so give an open air news conference but and be ignored by everyone who Laugh-out-loud! shit flying around in Westminster at the long as they do not incite racial or re- protestors promoting Sharia law ar- knows that the Koran is not a “fascist Then this Tuesday, he pissed off the moment, but we must not let this be a ligious hatred. This is certainly some- rived holding signs including “Wilders book” as Wilders puts it. Army. Not the best idea really is it… cause for votes to be given to the BNP, thing that Fitna attempts to do by ef- go to hell” “Islam will be superior” and This would have left hardly anyone Four former Generals put their name to not in jest, not as a statement of being fectively tarring all Muslims with the “Freedom go to hell”. who would care what he has to say, as a letter saying racist right-wing groups pissed of at the current system. Please same brush as those who had taken it As a result of the protestors, Wilders Tom Smothers once put it: “the only were tarnishing the forces’ reputation. help keep them as nothing more than a upon themselves to destroy the World was moved inside whilst protestors valid censorship of ideas is the right of What they were referring to, amongst joke. Trade Centre. Incidentally Fitna was were kept at bay by the police. people not to listen.” Government sells your loan and the Channel Tunnel

PPhilhil MMurrayurray Politics Editor Urenco, jointly owned between the criticism from both the Conservatives Dutch, German & UK Governments, and the Liberal Democrats. is a supplier of material and equipment Liberal Democrat Treasury spokes- In a speech made by Prime Minister to the UK’s nuclear industry, supplying man, Vince Cable, said the policy was Gordon Brown on Monday 12th Octo- enriched uranium to nuclear power “fundamentally flawed”. In his own ber, it was announced that the Govern- plants & isotopes for medical purpos- words: “what worries me about the ment is to sell £16bn worth of assets, in es. The Government plans to sell its government proposal is that they’re order to bolster Public Finances. This 33% stake. proposing to sell off in very depressed is to shore-up the public purse after As the Prime Minister said, “we need markets, under very depressed mar- Gordon Brown’s terrible handling of a deficit reduction plan that supports kets for land and for shares…this is not the economy, which is driving us deep- growth and jobs not one that snuffs out a good time to sell assets.” er into debt and recession. recovery before it has started. A Conservative Party spokesman Sales could include Tote Bookmak- “Restoring public finance sustain- said: “as any family knows selling off ers, The Dartford Crossing Toll Bridge, ability must be done in a way that things helps in the short-term and, giv- The Channel Tunnel, The Student supports growth, not destroys it. The en the state the country is in, is prob- Loan Book, Urenco, & surplus state failure to do so is the real risk of a lost ably necessary but it is no substitute owned property. This is to avoid pub- decade of austerity.” for a long-term plan to get the country lic spending cuts. These announcements have drawn to live within its means.” The Channel Tunnel is amongst assets to be sold under UK Government plans unionpage

Jenny Wilson CV2012 Deputy President (Clubs & Societies) [email protected]

With the economy in the state that it is, help you get started, just turning up to the On top of this, there are 5 points for going to we’re told it’s now the case that where there induction gets you well on your way with a session with the Careers service, and this were 5 people vying for one job there’s 5 points- after all, its worth knowing what is probably the bit which helps you the most now 10, or something to that effect. The you are getting yourself in for. The biggest to transfer those skills that you inadvertently great thing about going to Imperial and component is the activity that you do which learn by doing your activity, into attributes working for a good degree is that you’ve is 30 points for 30 hours of your time. This that you can really sell effectively come already improved your chances in those should have an element of outreach or application and interview time. The Careers 10. However, the Imperial stereotype (you volunteering to it, but this is also where Service have a whole range of sessions to know the one I mean) that many amongst us the Volunteer Centre is able to help you help you from a 20 minute mock interview admittedly adhere to can sometimes counter out. With over 40 different categories of to a 2 day insight into management. You that advantage leaving us back where we volunteering there is defi nitely something can do this session at any point during the started. for everyone; whether you’re a die-heart programme though, again being totally gardener and want to help spruce up some fl exible to fi t around everything else that you With the impending Olympics you can’t of the city’s green spaces, or want to help have to do. help but feel that it has breathed some new rehabilitate prisoners you’re able to give back life into London, with a renewed sense of to the community, which is something that a To fi nish up there is a verifi cation and purpose being given to many aspects; not lot of potential employers love to see. an assessment, but these are short and just sport. So it’s lucky for us that we not painless! After all, since you’ve done the only happen to be pretty clever but also in Alternatively, if you are more inclined towards work this is your time to shine and report London enveloped in this atmosphere, to sport, Sport Imperial have created a unique back on all the good work you’ve done to take advantage of this. opportunity to work towards the Sport pick up a further 5 points for each. And there Leader’s award. This is something that you you have it; fi ve easy steps to enhancing In recognition of this, a new initiative has would normally have to shell out a fair few your CV to help make you the fi rst choice been launched called CV2012; a joint effort quid for, but being nice as they are have when you’re competing against 9 others for from Imperial College Union, the Careers decided to cover the cost of your award. This your dream job. Service, the Volunteer Centre and Sport award, while called ‘Sport Leaders’ really Imperial. ‘What’s this about?’ I hear you aims to develop a host of transferable skills Now all there is left to say is when the next ask. It’s a way of getting recognition, nay, through the medium of sport, for example: induction is so that you can get started with an award for all the extra that you do with being resourceful and thinking on your toes, the award. This is being held at 4.30pm on your time here at Imperial, that gives you or performing in high pressure situations. Monday 26th October in SALC 5 (on the 5th a noticeable and exciting edge on the You’re able to do your outreach element as fl oor of Sherfi eld). If you can’t make these or competition. The other cool thing about it it involves going into schools and working want any more info check out is that it is yours to make of what ever you with secondary school children. To do this www.ic.ac.uk/2012 want to gain from it. award you don’t have to be outstanding at or email [email protected]. sport yourself, in fact being able to throw and It’s made up of a points based system, catch isn’t even a prerequisite. All you need working towards getting 50 points. To is enthusiasm! University Challenge 2010

Trials to be part of the team for University Applicants must be current students (either Challenge 2010 are taking place early in undergraduate or postgraduate) and expect November. to be still a student in April 2010.

In light of the recent success of Imperial Trials will take place in the Read lecture on the show BBC TV quiz show University theatre on Level 5 of the Sherfi eld Building at Challenge we are now selecting the team to 1800 on the 2nd and the 5th of November. take part in the show in 2010. We are looking No need to book, just turn up! for a team of four with an additional reserve member, who have not competed on the show before.

imperialcollegeunion.org 18 felix FRIDAY 23 OCTOBER 2009 CULTURE & ArArtsts Editors Lucy HarroldHarrold & Caz Knight THE ARTS [email protected]

Life, Arts and OMG! Lily Allen’s dad in a play! Blue Plaques Rox Middleton treks to Hammersmith in search of Comedians

o, maybe you’ve never heard of LLucyucy HHarroldarrold Arts Editor Trevor Griffiths? Neither had S I, maybe that makes us both philistines, but maybe not. Let’s get one thing straight, I am cer- tainly enough of a cultural ignoramus nd so you finally get to meet plaques”. On my journey in I’ve seen not to know whether I ought to know me, your third Arts editor. everyone from Dennis Gabor (inventor about Trevor Griffiths. A Sorry its been such a wait of holography) to composer Bela Bar- Anyway: Comedians. It sounds but you can’t see much art tok. This week I was surprised to find funny doesn’t it? It is, and it is also a lying on the sofa with flu (possibly of that John Millais and Frances Bacon hell of a lot more than that. A brief the swine variety). both inhabited the same house near summary sounded somewhat less Those of you who aren’t still doe-eyed South Ken Station, although not at the exciting I thought; Six men from an and fresh-faced may recognise me as same time obviously. I’d love it if they evening class in stand-up do their first “that girl who reviews all the musicals”. had been around at the same time, I can show but find out some “home truths” Yes it is true I am a bit of a fan, but I just imagine them sat smoking pipes in in the process. Well maybe. like to try other cultural delights as I the living room around a roaring fire. However you can’t judge a play by its hope you all do when not slaving over a Millais is telling Bacon to get a back- précis and this piece directed by Sean problem sheet or attending another lab bone and suggesting he tries painting Holmes is sweltering under the strain session. Even if you do tend to get stuck a pleasant landscape whilst Bacon is of making the phrase “home truths” at Imperial there’s plenty of culture criticising Millais’ decision to shag his an understatement. Home truths around as I’ve been finding on my pro- critics’ wife. Aww, artistic bliss... doesn’t come close to describing the Keith Allen showing off apparently gressively chillier journeys into college. This week we’re concentrating on bubbling turmoil that is a discussion After a year travelling the same route theatre, but not of the musical variety. of loyalty, craziness, sex, truth and I’ve become a little weary and so have We’ve been sending our eager report- disillusionment. Shearsmith from League of Gentlemen predictable first act, full of cute begun to occupy myself by playing ers to review the latest plays to hit The play is in three acts, first and and OMG! Lily Allen’s dad, how character detail and ever-so-slightly games. Aside from “count the leavers London, and what a bounty to choose last being in a classroom and the cool(sorry, Keith Allen fans), who both uninspiring comedic philosophy, and hoodies” (seriously people, we know from. As an added bonus, I’ve taken middle calling a stage, a stage as the give excellent performances, but it is left aghast by the second, the third you went to school otherwise you a look back at this Summer’s cultural audience is victim to the debut acts of David Dawson who absolutely steals scene does not disappoint. Revelations wouldn’t be here, you don’t need to tell highlights and glimpse at what we’re the six aspiring comics. This straggling the show with his amazingly electric come tumbling out and cut deeper us) I’ve taken to playing “spot the bue expecting this season. Enjoy! group of men who all desperately performance of Gethin Price. Dawson’s than they had, tensions run high and want to follow their dreams into energy is terrifying, especially in the Keith Allen shows off. Some “home professional stand-up have been bizarre second act where Gethin, an truths” are regrettably left hanging, but under the guidance of Mr Waters angry, honest and bizarre man, does the themes which started off tame and (Matthew Kelly) and tonight they are his first stand-up. It’s freaky, quite dry find their full meaning in dialogue being watched to see if they make the frightening and unlike anything else between Dawson and Kelly. The young Summertime and the grade. The question is whether they in the play. This is the culmination of and old men argue and Dawson’s will stick with the earnest old man and the fabulously excruciating and funny stellar acting drives home justification his direction not to play to sexism and second act, and displays Dawson’s for the whole play. Ending with a good racism or abandon it to score cheap mind-blowing energy and expression, laugh, it really is a funny play but that’s culture was easy... laughs. guaranteed to send the audience out not the point, it’s about why you laugh. The play is absolutely dripping bewildered into the second interval. You should see it because although it’s Lucy Harrold looks back at this summer with comedy actors including Reece After the amusing and more not hilarious it is exhilarating.

n a vague attempt to relive the the capital. past few months where the sun In other theatre news, “Too Close I would occasionally shine, ex- To The Sun” opened and then closed music shouldn’t just be something ams were a distant memory and a week or two later. Sorry, but who from a hundred or more years ago, if most of us attempted to make as much thought that a four person with no star we stop recognising classics what will money in as short a time as possible, names about the last hallucinogenic we play our children? we take a look back at this Summers’ days of Ernest Hemingway would So what was the cultural highlight culture. survive in the summer season in a of my Summer? A little gem of a show The big news in the arts world recession? up in Highgate Village by the name of was Anthony Gormley’s “One and In stunt casting news (yes, its Zanna Don’t. A fun, poppy show but Other” project on the fourth plinth so commonplace it gets its own with really deep emotion and a huge of Trafalgar Square. Gormley’s aim news section) - John Barrowman, heart, it was Fringe theatre at its best- was to allow a different person to do everybody’s favourite gay, is currently go Google it! whatever they liked for an hour at a dragging up to play Zsa Zsa in La And so to this year, what can we time- as long as it was legal. Cage Aux Folles. Phil Jupitus will also expect? Well theatre-wise, pickings are The result was lots of people be partaking in a spot of women’s’ pretty slim as everyone seems anxious standing still in the name of charity clothing as the latest Edna Turnblad in to open in a recession. and lots of people getting naked in Hairspray. Musicals-wise we have Annie Get the name of being a bit of an idiot. A Forbidden Broadway took to Your Gun at the Young Vic starring friend of mine was one of the lucky lampooning such behaviour in their Jane Horrocks in the title role and the 2460 to be selected and got to spend a show at the Menier Chocolate Factory. Menier Chocolate Factory is offering dark stormy night throwing glowsticks Tackling everything from Andrew Tamsin Outhwaite in Sweet Charity. to drunken louts; not my idea of a fun Lloyd Webber to the campness Our only West End opening is Legally night out. of Mamma Mia, they basically Blonde with Sheridan Smith and a The other big event for culture highlighted everything I dislike in cast of “people off the telly” from 5th running costs and larger target run. I’ve heard good things about vultures was the Edinburgh Fringe, theatre, way to go! December. markets). Big news for me is The Rise this production although it has been this year hosting everything from A little closer to College the Proms Oops, let us not forget Andrew Lloyd and Fall of Little Voice, not because touring for years so may be a bit tired, Dramsoc’s own production of “Crave” sneakily ran at the Royal Albert Hall. Webber’s latest cash cow Tomorrow of X Factor finalist Diana Vickers but lets hope I’m wrong. to an audience with “that guy what Many complained that an evening of Never Dies, the sequel to Phantom of because of Lesley Sharp and Marc We’ll also be seeing the Broadway stopped terrorists bombing Glasgow MGM classics was not what the Proms The Opera, I will be aiming to forget it Warren filling the roles played by transfer of Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, with Airport” (I kid you not). This inevitably is about. thanks. Hopefully Santa will bring me Brenda Blethyn and Michael Caine in Darth Vader himself; James Earl Jones. lead to a barrage of plays arriving in I disagree, film music is a great way some more musicals in my stocking at the film version. The reviews for this weren’t great various London fringe venues- look to get people into Classical music- I Christmas. An Inspector Calls will be filling and many are wondering why it is out for these as they provide a large certainly wouldn’t have listended if Straight play openings are more the Spring Awakening shaped gap transferring but it is classic storytelling amount of the new writing coming to it weren’t for movies. Also, classical abundant (possibly due to lower at the Novello Theatre for a limited that will get bums on seats. felix FRIDAY 23 OCTOBER 2009 19 [email protected] ARTS I thought Endgame was a chess move... Caz Knight enters the bleak world of Becket and finds , well, a load of old rubbish and some very good actors

othing is funnier than un- stage. Beckett has created a situation happiness”. Regarded as one from which they cannot escape; he N of Samuel Beckett’s most has created a metaphor for the way in important works, End- which we get stuck in our own lives, game, written in 1957, had its first pro- trapped in cycles. duction staged at Imperial’s “local”, the For a man who once professed to Royal Court that same year. The play hating words, only using them because was performed as a French language “one has nothing else”, Beckett certain- production, the tongue in which it was ly manipulates words effectively to add first written and named Fin de Partie; to the plot’s peculiarity. Meanings are that moment in chess when there are contorted, as the ladder becomes “the very few pieces left on the board: the steps”; “bottle him” a term used to put end. Complicite’s production at the his father back in his dustbin. Duchess theatre is the English version The importance of physical theatre is of the work which Beckett translated pivotal in all Beckett’s plays including after writing the original script in his this one where what the audience sees second language. is just as important to the meaning as Notorious for his nihilistic and bleak what they hear. (Hence why perhaps outlook which became ever more so the French - les spectateurs – suppos- as the artist progressed through life, edly have a better visual imagination Endgame is no exception as the cur- than us Brits, the audience.) tain opens on a fetid, featureless room Actions reflect the rut in which these apparently devoid of any natural light, characters are stuck. The repetition of intelligent life or furniture. Enter Clov Clov folding the tarpaulin and Hamm and moments later the tarpaulins are folding his bloody handkerchief into thrown off the only objects on stage smaller and smaller halves bring to mind to reveal the wheelchair-bound Hamm a stuck record, not being unable to escape. and two dustbins, after much meticu- Where the production’s vitality lies lously folding of said tarpaulins. is in the discordant rapport between Everything is at “zero”: the time, the opposites Clov and his master, Hamm. temperature and the state of the world One cannot walk whilst the other can- outside the windows for Hamm, his not sit recalling the Grey Sisters in The hilarious but brief Nagg and Nell played by Tom Hickley and Miriam Margolyes look on as Mark Rylance takes a nap servant Clov and Hamm’s legless, dust- Greek mythology who have only one bin-residing parents Nagg and Nell (all eye and one tooth between them. Di- with appropriately dismal names) have rector Simon McBurney as the unen- out spectacularly thanks to the glori- bizarre gesticulations are mustered: brief appearance, as the decomposing existed in a room in a world where thusiastic Clov is duly monotonous, ous Mark Rylance playing the sed- one has absolutely no difficulty imag- parents Nagg and Nell make a noble even nature has abandoned them. The save for momentary outbursts of rage entary Hamm. His confinement to ining Johnny Depp in the role. effort to inject much humour and life air of stagnation is potent creating an and oddly resembles David Thewlis, the wheelchair is no hindrance to the The company and cast, which in- into what is a very somber and intense uncomfortable, eerie sensation height- who starred as Clov in Conor McPher- range of movement he is able to mus- clude Tom Hickley and Miriam Mar- play. Especially when lasting over nine- ened by the swirling of dust about the son’s film version. But the play stands ter, nor to the energy with which his goyles who make a hilarious but all too ty minutes with no interval. Mother Courage: Fiona Shaw ditches Aunt Petunia Currently at the National Theatre, we present Brecht via Tony Kushner via lots of running around and singing

ind back the clock to seemingly insignificant lives. There is, is the central character in the German transaction. Nevertheless, she goes ally feels a little overdone, and, in the first half of the sev- of course, much death and much pain play, by the Bertolt Brecht. The Tony into mourning during a brief period the huge two-hour-long first act, the W enteenth century, back and much suffering – and somewhere Kushner translation currently showing of peace – without war, how will she acting can become slightly monoto- to the (so aptly-named) in the midst of all this hardship, there at the Olivier Theatre features Fiona make her living? Along the way, she nous. This, in addition to the per- Thirty Years War. Much of Europe is an opportunity, so it would seem, to Shaw in the lead role. However, her becomes the object of attraction for cussive music of Duke Special’s band, is embroiled in a conflict whose ef- make a quick buck. new persona is totally different from an earnest pastor and a general’s cook, which sometimes drowns out the lyr- fects will be felt most by the powerless Enter Mutter Courage, the ever-hag- that of Aunt Petunia’s, who she plays in both of whom she eventually rejects. ics of the interspersed songs, means peasants, voiceless pawns living their gling, ever-resilient ‘hyena of war’, who Harry Potter. Mother Courage is the Refusing to reflect upon the tragedy of that some of the more sensitive mo- ultimate contradiction: she is a shrewd her situation, she is ultimately focused ments in the play are not fully real- businesswoman who depends on war solely on survival, never lowering her ised. For example, the final scene, in to make a living, while war slowly takes stoic exterior; despite the pastor’s pleas which Shaw is left pulling her wagon its toll on her life. to free the ‘woman’ within her. The on her own, toiling away despite her The stage crew are bustling about play’s irony is perhaps best captured in losses, feels as if it has been glossed on stage while the audience takes their a scene when she must tearfully pre- over, even though Brecht is using it seats, and this energy will be main- tend to not recognise her dead son’s as an important symbol of the com- tained throughout the production. Out mutilated body in order to guarantee mon man’s resigned attitude to war bursts a vivacious Shaw perched on her escape – here, then, is someone as something inevitable. The shorter Mother Courage’s wagon, the symbol caught between her duties as a mother second act does work better, with the of her livelihood. She sings and dances and what she must do to live on. bare usage of text in the set design and dashes about the stage, pausing In this sense, the frenetic pace of this creating more space for some moving only to bargain for the goods she buys particular adaptation works to some scenes. Overall, however, while not and sells in order to feed herself and extent in amplifying the contradiction: uninteresting, the production is a lit- her children. Through her adventur- the jaunty, almost raucous nature that tle underwhelming. ous exploits in bed, she is the mother Shaw gives to Mother Courage clashes of the brave but hot-blooded Eilif, the successfully with the harsh realities of Mother Courage is on at the National stupid but honest Swiss Cheese, and war in the backdrop, and makes some Theatre until 8th December which the kind-hearted but mute Kattrin. All perverse moments – such as when gives you plenty of time to get down three of her children will be lost to the Courage kicks her daughter’s corpse to there. effects of the war. At the moment each see if she has really died – even more one is taken away from her, she is else- jarring. Nevertheless, all the running As part of the Travelex Season, many Fiona Shaw as Mother Courage, or should that be MC Mamma Courizzle? where, haggling over some business around and brash shouting occasion- tickets are available for £10! 20 felix FRIDAY 23 OCTOBER 2009 Music Editors Alexandra Ashford & Kadhim Shubber MUSIC [email protected] Funeral’s voted-for gigs a winner We love pop Eliot Barford drops his prejudices and gets a bit emotional music or most people, the name “Fu- AlexAlex AshfordAshford Music Editor neral for a Friend” evokes the F term “emo”; perhaps a rather glum association. I too had dismissed them as bland fad-followers got an email from a reader I bought recently and recommend before a chance run-in with their debut and I’m not going to name any you getting into. ZE 30: ZE Records album, Casually Dressed and Deep in names but he introduced him- Story 1979 – 2009 is a compilation of Conversation, and I would encourage I self with the amazing line, “i’m a artists on the New York record label wary listeners to shed their prejudices pop music master, and all thing that includes an eclectic mix of post- too – you might be pleasantly surprised. pop/rnb/chart i’m the first to know punk misfits and music ranging from Despite the fact that Wednesday’s about :)” [sic]. Pop music master here disco (Material with Nona Hendrix gig was on Matt Davies-Kreye’s (vo- suggests that we shouldn’t review pop - Bustin’ out), calypso (Kid Creole & cals) birthday, their current tour itself music as we clearly all hate pop music the Coconuts – something wrong in is something of a celebration for the here at the felix, but this isn’t true! I paradise), no wave (Suicide – dream band. They just released a best of al- love pop music. dream baby), and off-beat Jazz weird- bum, and a sense of awe at the act’s I like David Bowie, Michael Jackson, ness (James Chance and the Contor- survival over seven-and-a-half years La Roux, Weezer, and so on. We try tions – roving eye). was conveyed in the birthday boy’s to cover a range of different music and Gang Gang Dance – Saint Dymph- light-hearted between-song banter. if you want something else in here, go na is an album that came out in 2008 KOKO was sold out and the rapport ahead and write it and send it in. but I only just got round to buying it between the band and audience was Someone else I spoke to recently, recently because the sticker said “Fact strong yet relaxed, almost relieved. when asked what sort of music he lis- Magazine names it the best album This couldn’t be said for the support tens to replied that all music is either we’ve heard all year!” and I like Fact acts, Telegraphs (emo-tinged “alter- classical or pop, and if it isn’t classical, magazine. It’s a weird and twisting mix native rock”) and Save Your Breath then it’s just pop music. I think there’s of ethereal electronic and worldbeat. I (emo-tinged pop punk), whose good truth in this, while I love to categorise can only think to describe it as exciting sets to a floor, mostly empty thanks to and dissect music into boxes, it occurs and magical and weirder than Bjork six wasted manly men and one men- to me: there is no definition of pop and Animal Collective together. The tal (and more than inebriated) scene music. Pop obviously just stands for track “House Jam” is probably one of girl. Thankfully, the fervent crowd One of the band’s greatest strengths a set of songs of such consistent and ‘popular’, and the music that we think the best songs I’ve ever heard. swamped their disruptions well before is their talent for writing gargantuan perhaps superior quality. of as modern pop music really just Girls – Album is lovely, fuzzy, in- the main act came on. choruses, a force only magnified live. Funeral for a Friend are hard to rec- means it is music made to be popular, die pop gold. Who can’t relate to For this tour the band allowed fans to Davies-Kreye hardly needed to sing ommend to anyone with decent musi- i.e. to sell records. And this is why I opening lyrics like “Oh I wish I had a vote for their favourite songs and from his own songs, and even Kris Coombs- cal taste, but with so many anthems I don’t like the Saturdays. It’s made to boyfriend/a sun tan/a pizza/a bottle of the results they created their setlists. Roberts and Darran Smith’s intensely promise you their live show is a fulfill- appeal to the most easily manipulated wine”? I love the whole album. The This meant that everyone’s dream melodic guitar hooks were overcome ing experience. and easily influenced corner of the lead singer was brought up in the Chil- selection was played, and the energy by the crowd’s voice at times. For my- market, the real low-brow, microwave- dren Of God cult, where his brother didn’t let up for a minute. By far the self, I didn’t realise how far forward I dinner eating, George-by-Asda wear- died due to lack of medical care and his largest track contribution came from had moved until the lights went up, Funeral for a Friend ing, X-factor voting, Sun reading cre- mum became a prostitute. He left at their first album with choice cuts from and my voice hurt from trying to sing Koko, Camden tins. Urgh. the age of 16 and ran away to become all three others, including the moving over all the other fans. My only com- 14th October So, here are some things I like (yes! a stoner in Texas living with million- “History” and grandiose though slight- plaint would be that obligatory closer ★★★★✩ There actually are things I like!), that aires. Woah, that’s pretty crazy. ly sickly “Into Oblivion (Reunion)”. “Juneau”, felt almost anticlimactic after

GENERAL PEARL JAM Reviews FIASCO HED KANDI GOT SOME & AUTOKRATZ WE ARE THE DESTROY THE JUST BREATHE ANIMAL FOOLISH DISCO MONKEY KITSUNE INFECTIOUS HED KANDI WRENCH FRANK TURNER ALBUM SINGLE ALBUM SINGLE POETRY OF THE DEED XTRA MILE/ EPITAPH The electronic beats on Autokratz’s de- This song is about three minutes too Hed Kandi claim that ‘Destroy the The new double A-side from grunge SINGLE but album, are fairly repetitive and get long. The whole thing just reminds Disco’ is “reaching into the future”. veterans Pearl Jam is a brilliant dem- on your nerves after a while. But the me of the sloppy shit I took the other It’s quite a lofty claim, and one that onstration of strength in depth: Got vocals by David make the songs ever so day when I ate too much lentil curry. this 2-CD mix falls far short of, but I Some’s classic rock and roll feel con- This is some kind of acoustic punk/ slightly catchy and are strong enough They’re touring with The Enemy, so if wouldn’t hold that against it. The first trasts beautifully with the delicate, emo. I’ve just listened to it and I’ve to get you dancing along. Similar to you like them this’ll be a wet dream for CD is full of remixes that you can see wistful orchestral manoeuvres of Just already forgotten what it sounds like. Hot Chip this is music you might listen you. - Barnaby Walker coming from a mile away. There’s a re- Breathe to show a band once more I think it was alright. If you like folk to, to get into the party mood. - Holly worked track by Gossip, one by Block approaching the top of their game. A punk sort of stuff you could do worse Cumbers Party and one by Calvin Harris – you tighter, more disciplined effort than a than this.- Alex Ashford TIMOTHY J get the picture. CD2 is less packed with number of their recent releases, Got SIMPSON OUR GLORIOUS predictable remixes, but still offers lit- Some alludes to the McCarthyism of LCD HERO BATTLES tle respite from the formulaic bass- the tail end of the Bush maladministra- SOUNDSYSTEM THE MAN heavy electro clichés. tion; Just Breathe is a quietly moving RICHARD BYE BYE BAYOU ALBUM Although there are a few highlights, romantic masterpiece on the acoustic WALTERS DFA THE ANIMAL SINGLE including a remix from Kissy Sell Out guitar and Hammond organ, leaning in KARTEL The upbeat acoustic guitar and occa- that transforms a Noisettes track into places on the acoustic folk of the early ALBUM sional clever samples disguise a range an absolute leviathan, overall there’s ‘70s. This take on Alan Vega’s original from of bleaker topics than is apparent on nothing that stands out here really. For It’s long been accepted that Pearl This guy looks a lot like Moby, and LCD Soundsystem is a straightfor- first inspection. His lo-fi approach and a mix that runs the length of two CDs, Jam would have eclipsed Nirvana com- sings with the same kind of melan- ward, slow build romp in the same singing voice, is reminiscent of artists it’s not really worth the time it takes to pletely had Eddie Vedder taken the choly self-obsession. Maybe it is Mo- vein as ‘All My Friends’ off their 2007 like Badly Drawn Boy. This is small- listen to it. You’re much better off just sensible career move of developing a by’s alter-ego? It’s unlikely because album. Groovy bass lines and cool, airy venue, intimate stuff; the music would investing in a Fabriclive mix – they’re a heroin addiction and topping himself. this is actually pretty good. It’s quiet vocals make it pretty listenable, but feel out of place in on a big stage, (ex- lot more original, and don’t make you As the band’s sound continues to de- and haunting and more than a little bit it is lacking in the vivacity of classic cept Glastonbury, at least), somewhere feel like you’ve been listening to the velop, though, I find myself more and comforting, in the same way that Elliot tracks such as ‘North American Scum’. like the Troubadour - it could be really same track for the past hour. more glad he didn’t. Smith songs are. - Alex Ashford - Michael Inkpen special. - Duncan Casey - Barnaby Walker - Duncan Casey felix FRIDAY 23 OCTOBER 2009 21 [email protected] MUSIC Live All American Rejects Mariam Zahedi gets weirded out and captivated by Tyson Ritter

yson Ritter, lead singer of You Hell’(a Top 20 hit in the UK singles make it onto my top 5, I’ll hand it to the All American Rejects, chart), ‘I Wanna’, & ‘Dirty Little Secret’ the Rejects that when they get it right T is like no front man I have had all of Shepherd’s Bush Empire danc- then they are one of the better bands ever seen. In all my years of ing, whilst the ballads kept every mem- of their genre. But that’s just it, they attending anything from small local ber of the audience captivated by Tyson’s might be great at what they do, but gigs to sell out stadium concerts I have surprisingly pure and powerful vocals. what they do (primarily poprock with never witnessed a singer quite as en- But more entertaining than their more than a touch of the E word) just trancing, unpredictable and, let’s face music by far were Tyson’s on stage an- isn’t that great. it, downright weird as Mr Ritter. tics, which ranged from crawling onto Not exactly what you would call a the stage on all fours Gollum style, to devoted fan of the Rejects, I was cu- screaming ‘PULL MY HAIR B****’ at All American Rejects rious to see how their hits translated an unsuspecting blonde female fan. Shepherd’s Bush Empire from record into the live atmosphere, There was not a dull moment to the 14th October as well as get a chance to hear their set, because he wouldn’t let there be. ★★★✩✩ lesser known work. Songs like ‘Give Though not a band that will ever Levi Roots James Mossahebi tries some reggae sauce

s he takes the stage, the man of energetic self written and reggae himself proclaims, “you covers, whilst acts such as Damien A may know me for drag- Marley might be trying to revamp on slaying... but its the the island style for a new genera- music makes the man,” a perfect tion Levi is keeping his music firm- introduction to a sauce inspired ly to its roots (…sorry) performance. Without a doubt watching him To the majority of Britons, Levi perform eradicates any question roots is the flagship of what the that roots is a one trick pony, but Dragons Den can do in making I think it might be a hard sell to an entrepreneur, But he’s far cry fight for shelf space with a some- from a TV chef with a simple what dated reggae sound. As the Jingle. Nominated for a MOBO final song comes round however award in 1998 he was known to and the scantily clad women take be a close friend of Bob Marley, to the already crowded stage, I re- He performed with the likes of alize that with this man, you can James Brown and sung “Happy never be so sure. Birthday, Mr. president” to Nel- son Mandela on his trip to the UK in 1992. Still Levi’s new single, “So out of Levi Roots my mind” will have a hard time fight- Bush Hall, Shepherd’s Bush ing for its right as genuine track rather 19th October than a cookery related gimmick. His ★★★★✩ single and performance was a mixture

Albums that you should know Neutral Milk Hugh Crail looks at modern classics that shaped music today Hotel “In the Aeroplane t’s blindingly obvious, the lead The band described their sound as when you lose your breath/With some singer and songwriter of Neutral “fuzz-folk” fusing their earlier sounds pretty, bright and bubbly terrible Over the Sea” I Milk Hotel, Jeff Mangum, is men- as a noise rock band with simplistic scene/ That was doing her thing on tally unstable. He hails from the melodies and acoustic guitar chords, your chest,’ it continues to twist and 1998 remote town of Ruston, LA and has but this album wasn’t brilliant be- turn through Mangum’s demented a slightly disturbing obsession with cause of its genre splicing, it’s the scenes, but occasionally he shows you Anne Frank. emotive level the band bring to the a glimpse into his rational mind, re- He is a recluse and the last time the table. The album jerks you through vealing the true meanings of his lyrics, world heard from him, he asked eve- countless feelings; euphoric happi- before falling back into his obsession will start to seem pretty valid, all it is unique and isolated from any- ryone to help him save an antiquated ness then hopeless loneliness then with the plights of Anne Frank. His things considered. thing happening at the time, but it merry go round in Massachusetts. desolate depression, all while showing lyrics make you feel that you’re in the As you may have guessed this al- set a precedent for bands like Bright But as per the cliché, as well as be- you the full state of Jeff Mangum’s dis- psychiatrist’s chair, but the perfect de- bum isn’t easy listening, it’s so visceral Eyes and the Arcade Fire who brought ing mentally fragile he is also a bona turbed psyche. livery of his fanatical ideas will make as to be uncomfortable at times, but emotionally laden folk music into the fide musical genius, which results in a The 8 minute long “O Comely” you question your own sanity. ‘And it all comes from such a raw place 21st century mainstream, and I am highly interesting album. It’s like a dis- starts with a simple strummed mi- will she [Anne Frank] remember me that trying to understand it becomes betting that they are hoping for a new turbed child creating brilliant art out of nor chord, with cryptically troubled fifty years later?/ I wished I could save unbelievably rewarding. It is hard to Neutral Milk Hotel album as much as road-kill. lyrics; ‘Oh comely, I will be with you her in some sort of time machine’… compare this album to any other, as I am. 22 felix FRIDAY 23 OCTOBER 2009 FFilmilm EditorsEditors ZuzannaZuzanna BBlaszczaklaszczak & EEdd KKnocknock FILM [email protected]

Dust off your childhood dreams and let them soar high in the air with Pixar’s UP.

EEliotliot BBarfordarford when ten thousand balloons exploded garnered considerable giggles. The from the little house and it surged into foremost canine character, Doug, ben- the air. Carl’s journey to Paradise Falls efits from an adorably hilarious vocal Pixar has a portfolio of acclaimed and with his over-eager assistant, Russell, performance. In particular his line, “I beloved animated films, which many is the central object of the story, and have just met you and I love you,” is attribute to the fine balance of adult it’s a surreal one to say the least. Fortu- absolutely life-affirming. The animals’ and child appeal in their work. Up nately, the animation and environmen- stories provide the basis for the rest of achieves this feat perhaps more com- tal stylisation is stunning, providing the film’s events and some quite thrill- pletely than any other Pixar film. It’s relief for those who might be bored by ing chases and dogfights (both mean- almost as if it contains two different the sometimes immature plot. Inter- ings intended). films woven together. I think this film estingly, the primary setting is rooted However, at the end of the day, it’s the will remind any honest student viewer in reality: Venezuela’s “tepui” or table- growing relationship between the two of something we’ve somehow lost since top mountains and the famous Angel leads that keeps older viewers hooked childhood, and regretfully so. Falls. References to The Lost World and that leaves you with a warm feel- Up riskily delays the start of the main abound. The pair trek over a dream- ing after the credits. As Russell’s en- story, its introduction instead forming like landscape of windworn rock and thusiasm for exploration reminds Carl a biography of the elderly protagonist, wild jungle while pulling the floating of his childhood ambitions, so direc- Carl Fredricksen. In just a few min- the filmmakers handle such a rapid have a close understanding of his per- house behind, until getting embroiled tor Pete Docter makes us recall the utes, we witness him meet and marry progression through the character’s sonality – whether we are adults dwell- in all kinds of peripheral trouble and, fantasies that were our own comforts his wife, make plans for adventure history, guiding the audience’s feel- ing on his regret over that great missed of course, action scenes. when we were young. Rarely do films with her, and eventually lose her at the ings from laughter at slapstick clumsi- adventure, or kids sympathising with The supporting characters are en- marketed towards children have this brink of living their dream. This largely ness to sombre silence after the loss of his longing for his lost wife. gaging if not particularly empathetic. kind of emotional depth, and I haven’t dialogue-free sequence is utterly en- a baby. Personally, the film’s opening The bulk of the film is decidedly Certainly, their parts in the story serve even mentioned the subtle allusions to thralling, filled with emotional ups and twenty minutes or so were probably more mirthful, but it doesn’t lose its to entertain younger viewers more Russell’s relationship with his father. I downs yet punctuated with humour, my favourite, but the passage didn’t emotional poignancy. Indeed, this than us grown-ups. The iridescent highly recommend this movie, even to and not the kind that only appeals to overstay its welcome. By the time we poignancy is needed to keep mature bird, Kevin, provides mainly physical those who typically regard such main- kids. I confess a tear came to my eye are shown old Carl’s ancient house viewers interested – even I baulked a humour, serving for a fair few laughs, stream, childish fare with scepticism; several times. It’s surprising how well swarmed by urban development, we little at the sudden plunge in realism and the legions of semi-talking dogs you’ll be pleasantly surprised.

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When: Tuesday 3rd November, 6.30pm Where: Pippard Lecture Theatre, Sherfield Building

Places are limited so please register your attendance via our website: www.mancareers.com felix FRIDAY 23 OCTOBER 2009 23 [email protected] FILM BFI film festival off to a surprising start

JJadeade HHoffmanoffman

If George Clooney only ever lends his voice to one animated family film, he’s chosen well. Perfectly cast as the super-suave Mr. Fox in this retelling of Roald Dahl’s Fantastic Mr Fox, the film sees him face off against a trio of farm- ers seeking revenge for his thievery (for those unfamiliar with the story: think Ocean’s Eleven, if Danny Ocean was a fox living in rural England). Wednesday 14th October marked the opening of the BFI’s 53rd annual London Film Festival, which runs until the 29th, and kicked off spectacularly with the world premiere of Fantas- tic Mr. Fox, as transposed in the style of Wes Anderson and his usual band of collaborators. Jason Schwartzman voices Fox’s frustrated son, Ash, de- termined to prove himself after the arrival of his overachieving cousin and Bill Murray takes his turn as Badger, Mr. Fox’s woodland lawyer, obviously. Led by Meryl Streep as Mrs. Fox, and Clooney as walkman-wearing, trade- mark-whistling Mr. Fox, Anderson The old-school puppets are startlingly full of vitality on screen thanks to a cast that is as varied as the animal characters that appear in the film makes his mark. Still, even with Wes Anderson’s fin- gerprints all over the film, it retains character in particular is excellent, for Anderson and Dahl’s story-telling. Anderson-created – scene towards the does not entirely blow you away like the heart of a Roald Dahl story – the though this may be also partly due to The attention paid to the smallest de- end (“I’m asking him if he thinks we’re the former, this long-awaited screen wry humour, the darker twists, the ir- the impeccable animation. tails – individual hairs that move ac- in for a hard winter”). It’s not for noth- version of Roald Dahl’s classic is highly repressible Britishness of it all. This Originally set to be animated by Hen- cordingly, animated tears which swell ing that Dahl’s widow joined the cast entertaining, visually beautiful and latter quality was all the more impres- ry Selick (of Nightmare Before Christ- and subside in moments – are some of on stage to open this film – of all the captivating. Fantastic Mr. Fox, like sive, considering the largely American mas fame), Selick was forced to drop the things that really set this film high- Roald Dahl adaptations, this may well Up and like what Spike Jonze’s Where cast (look out for Willem Dafoe’s unex- out in favour of directing Coraline. De- er than so many other animated films. be the one that comes closest to pre- The Wild Things Are promises to be pected Deep South take on the cider- spite this loss of a great talent, the end The contrast between detail and the serving his essence. when it comes out this December, fur- guarding Rat) but Anderson wisely product is probably better off. Animat- jerky animation gives a wonderful cozy This film has come out right in the ther raises the bar for all future family casts a few key British actors, such as ed under the capable direction of Mark feel to the film. Wes Anderson had middle of a flurry of truly brilliant films. It maintains a strong standard of Brian Cox and Michael Gambon as the Gustafson, the film is less burdened said that he’d jumped on the project “family films”, all transcending a genre humour, action and poignancy, making farmers terrorising the local animal by the three distinctive voices of ani- out of deep respect for Roald Dahl, that has become a staple of cinema it an excellent animation debut from community, and Jarvis Cocker appears mator, director and story; instead the and the nod towards this great author these days. Following Pixar’s breath- auteurist Wes Anderson and a tremen- every so often in puppet-form to strum incredibly well-crafted stop-motion clearly shows through – especially in taking Up, it’s difficult to give a full five dous way to begin BFI’s new season of a few songs on the banjo. Gambon’s animation provides the perfect vehicle one touching – and unmistakably Wes stars to Fantastic Mr. Fox, but whilst it bringing great cinema to London. A new ‘indie’ must-see

SSabrinaabrina CCastiglioneastiglione dare I say it – British; think the geeki- just refuses to fall in love. ness of The IT Crowd crossed with the If there’s a criticism to be made it’s awkwardness of The Inbetweeners (or that this film screams indie-flick; in- This is not a fairytale. If anything, this the other way around). die music, indie actors, indie look-at- film is refreshingly real. Every year the The film follows Charlyne Yi, who how-unusual-I-am. Come on, love, BFI London Film Festival showcases plays a fictional version of herself and it’s a film, you could at least put some the best in new movies worldwide, leads the documentary on her quest make-up on. Sure enough, a budget of and Paper Heart, a quirky exploration to find out about love, the one subject $1 million and a 9 week shooting time slash faux documentary of that much- she just can’t get her head around and is impressive for any film these days attested emotion (love, what else?), is can’t bring herself to believe in. Her but there’s no need to make quite so both funny and heart-warming. Not character is surprisingly normal and much of a point of it. Would it have heart-warming in the crappy chick- unclichéd, albeit slightly irritating. For killed them to hold the camera still? flick ugly-girl-turns-supermodel-lives- once, the star of a movie isn’t someone That said, inter-cut with stick-puppet happily-ever-after sense, but in a more who is beautiful in that tired, artificial, theatre scenes and an amalgamation genuine, relatable, ‘Hey! This could Hollywood kind of way – not even in a of cameos from famous names (Seth actually happen’ way (quickly followed hot Asian way. Rogen and David Krumholtz to name by the ‘Damn! Why am I single?’ less Michael Cera also stars, playing his but two), the fictional love story sits heart-warming, more depressing way). usual pants-too-high-and-too-short beautifully between the genuine inter- And despite the fact the word ‘love’ self. He comes into the film as the views of real people about their – of- is mentioned 78,389 times in the film documentary takes a turn – instead of ten unconventional – views on love, be (or thereabouts) it succeeds in never focusing on external stories, it follows they redneck bikers, bar sluts, Las Ve- reaching that sickening stage where the two characters’ blossoming ro- gas wedding chapel chaplains (dressed you just want to stab the actors’ eyes mance (which mirrors their rumoured as Elvis), or even children. From the out. I think even the more masculine off-screen relationship). scientific to the spiritual, all manner Yes, this is definitely an indie movie - just look at those spectacles of felix’s readers would be able to sur- Through the second half of the film, of real-life views are explored, held vive to the end of the film. A great deal we watch the two main characters together by this scripted story of two of the charm of this movie is due to its trying to make a go of things whilst awkward, gangly people finding awk- chance; it’s not quite a documentary, of varied backgrounds, and if this col- humour. It isn’t what you would expect struggling with the strain of being con- ward, gangly lo- well. Something like it’s not quite a rom-com, but it’s en- lection of oddballs can find some form from a standard American comedy, it’s stantly in front of the camera and the love. tertaining to the end. Paper Heart of love, hell, there’s even hope for us at very visual, often very subtle, almost – difficulties that arise when one person It’s well worth giving this film a showcases stories from many people Imperial. felix FRIDAY 23 OCTOBER 2009 37

HangmanPuttingPutting thethe catcat outout toto drydry [email protected]

A Beginner’s Guide to TThe X-Factor: it’s a sadist’s being ‘Cool’ at Imperial wet dream AAnonymousnonymous Hangman Editor If you’re too cool to be ‘reading’, here’s a hint... it’s not that hard hen I tell people at Im- I love to watch people fail and that’s AnonymousAnonymous Hangman Editor Tip 4: (FOR THE GIRLS) Avoid guys Then tell them that you love drinking perial that I watch the what makes reality TV so enjoyable. that talk to their manhood. and that you’re always the life and soul X factor, they contort Whilst the neanderthal majority of of the party and that no-one gets as their faces in disgust the X factor’s viewers clap and drool Tired of being a loser? Here are some Tip 5: (FOR THE GUYS) Join the rug- drunk as you. If they still don’t believe Wand then ‘tut’ condescendingly. I over the pretty flashing lights and top tips for de-geeking yourself and by team - the epitome of ‘coolness’. If you, bring a breath-a-liser or blood- sometimes think they’d look less hor- Cheryl Cole’s breasts, I lick the tears ‘bringing on the cool!’ catching a ball and running into peo- testing kit. They NEED to know that rified if I told them that I thought that of misery right off Rachel’s stupid ple is your ideal sport, then rugby is for you’re drunk. holocaust didn’t happen (Great ice- face as she gets told, for a second Tip 1: NEVER use the phrase ‘bringing you! Girls simply love loud obnoxious breaker by the way). week running, that no-one likes her. on the cool!’ oafs with a narrow vocabulary of ‘tits’ Tip 10: If you’re watching a film in You have to remember that most We’re all bastards really. We take and ‘beer’. your common room, or just with a Imperial students sit on top of the great pleasure in other’s misfor- Tip 2: SKIP LECTURES. Nothing group of friends, alert them when a class pyramid and shout to the com- tunes. It’s blissful schadenfreude. shouts ‘cool’ louder than outright lazi- Tip 6: (FOR THE GIRLS) Don’t join funny bit is coming up. It’s your job to moners below, “Dance for me plebians We’ve been told, since the day that ness. Make sure your absense is noted the rugby team tell them that it’s funny and prepare and sniff my organic shit! That smell we learnt to point and laugh, that by everyone. This may involve turning them for the gag. They’ll really appre- is descended from lords. LORDS!” we should stop staring and keep our up to the end of the lecture and shout- Tip 7: Start Smoking. Anything det- ciate this because they probably would There is a strict criteria for middle- thoughts to ourselves.If staring was ing, ‘SORRY I’M LATE. I WAS BUSY rimental to your health is ‘cool’. This have missed it otherwise. class television viewing; if Jeremy socially acceptable then we’d all be NOT GIVING A SHIT ABOUT THIS includes running into walls and AIDS. Paxman or Stephen Fry aren’t on the much happier. No-one likes to force COURSE!’ Then walk straight back out Tip 11: Maintain a collection of skin- credits then it’s working-class. Con- themselves to turn their eyes away Tip 8: Try to subtly divert conversation tight attire, preferably in a selection sidering the fact that Simon Cowell from the limbless pillow-of-a-man as Tip 3: (FOR THE GUYS) Don’t moan towards your Daddy’s annual income. of matt colours. Combine this with is neither Jeremy Paxman, or Stephen he tries to get his wheelchair through about the male-to-female ratio. This Example: “So what sort of music are carrying your protein shake in one of Fry, we can conclude that the X-factor the doors of HMV with nothing but does not bother you! You actually came you into?” “Oh right, yeah, he earns those ultra-cool shakers! Remember to is nothing more than brain-numbing, his chin, but we’ve been conditioned to Imperial for a challenge. You’re tired two and a half million a year” stretch those calves... blue-collar garbage. to accept freakshows in the street as of scoring so much pussy and your dick Well, you know what? Fuck you! commonplace. needs a holiday. Then look and your Tip 9: On a night out, people love to Tip 12: When reading felix, skip Behind the garish and contrived ap- Well thank God for the X-factor! manhood and say, ‘not much of a holi- know if you’re drunk, so make sure straight to ‘Hangman’, read the first ar- parel is a dark and sinister feast that The show that’s let us laugh at our re- day is it boy?’ you tell them every fucking minute! ticle and never pick up felix again. feeds sadistic twats like myself. jects of society since 2004.

11 reasons why we hate the football team Chumps vs Geeks: A night in with 1. Mustapher BotchwaBotchwayy the girlfriend 2. PPetereter New Round 1 3. Thomas Fryatt 8:05 - Shit! She’s here, clear internet “So chump, late for history and throw bedroom mess into 4. DaDavidvid HaHayesyes the wardrobe. lectures,lectures, eh? Feeling 5. PPatrickatrick McMullan 8:10 - Let her in, think of excuse for tired,tired, eh? DidnDidn’t’t get why you took so long, “Uh I was 66.. Dionigi Benincasa taking a dump” NO! Not that!!! to bed earlyearly,, eh? 77.. SaSamuelmuel Rickards 8:12 - Explain that you WOULD TTalkingalking in lecturlectures,es, cook but that you just feel like pizza 88.. AlexandrAlexandree de FigueirFigueiredoedo tonight. eh? DidnDidn’t’t do the 99.. Matthieu VVallinallin 8:13 - Use girlfriend’s debit card to prproblemoblem sheet, EH? pay for pizza 1010.. WilliaWilliamm Swain (nice website brbro)o) Not papayingying attention, 8:30 - “Oh yeh that’s really 11. Leslie Eshun interesting”, THANK GOD, the EH? DON’DON’TT pizza’s here. UNDERSTUNDERSTANDAND A 8:42 - Head upstairs, quickly use your finger to clean your teeth. FUCKING THING, 8:44 - Go through the motions... I EH?!?!?! HATE foreplay, it’s just gunk really. See yyouou on the 8:55 - YES, penetration! WOOO! union.ic.ac.uk/acc/football blogospherblogospheree CHUMP” 8:55:20 - FAIL. Go downstairs, grab Oh no! Chump got OWNED!!! kitchen knife and kill yourself. Damn mail strike, my stab vest doesn’t come till Tuesday - Hangman Ed 24 felix FRIDAY 23 OCTOBER 2009 Fashion Editor KawaiKawai WongWong FASHION [email protected] The friendliest face in fashion Kawai Wong talks to Hilary Alexander, the award winning fashion director of the Daily Telegraph about archaeology, travel and being a “friendly” fashionista

or a person who holds such about having a new perspective, “Mary high office, she is amazingly was particularly talented. I first saw down to earth. Coming out her dresses at the LFW exhibition F from the turnstile, she gave about a year ago. Her designs were Pretty us a little wave and apolo- dresses printed with huge necklaces. It gised that she was a little late. She is was fantastic.” When Hilary sees some- not wearing the bronze spiky tribal thing she likes, she tries to help the Woman necklace you almost always see on her, designers out - putting them in touch KKawaiawai WWongong Fashion Editor but she’s still very much the Etro girl with people or referring them to a PR you’d expect her to be. The love she company. “Whatever I can do really. gets from fashionistas all around the I’ll write about them in a blog or in the world is down to this simple ethos, “I newspaper.” saw a black mini dress in French love my job. I love meeting people. I Higher up the ladder, established Elle – full central front zip, just feel… really lucky to be in the po- fashion houses are incredibly extrava- thin straps, clingy and low cut. sition that I’m in.” gant. In a BBC documentary, The Se- I French sexiness at the price of That position is the fashion top cret World of Haute Couture, Margy €9.99? Yes, please. job at the Daily Telegraph. The two- Kinmonth visited Lagerfeld during a Last night I wore it to a bar on the time British Fashion Journalist of the fitting for his upcoming Chanel show. Old Brompton Road, adjacent to year has her own fashion TV show When she returned to her hotel after the Chanel boutique. Oh boy. Call- – Hilary&Co, and also a quintessen- the interview, bags of Chanel gifts were ing it a fashion faux pas would be an tial space in the blogosphere. All this waiting for her at the check-in desk, as understatement. wouldn’t have happened if she had a “thank you” for her visit to Chanel. The reality was closer to a fashion ca- gone and picked up a fossil brush first. Does this generosity extend to other tastrophe. I am busty. Instead of wear- “I wanted to be an archaeologist but high-fashion events? “I usually get a ing a pair of Converse to tone down my father wasn’t going to support me few bunches of flowers. I always get the look, like French Elle, I wore a pair through another 4 years of university. flowers from Galliano and Lagerfeld. Clockwise from top: Hilary Alexander clutching a Chanel goody bag in Paris; of block-heel sandals. I was the Pretty One day he rang a local newspaper Occasionally I get some perfume or Anna Wintour, Desiree Rogers and Hilary Alexander at Thakoon in New York; Woman of the night... in New Zealand and got me a job. I’d skin care products from Chanel.” Hilary clutching her Doobydoll; Rihanna, Carine Roitfeld and Beyonce all Don’t believe everything the maga- been there less than a week – and I Fashion recycles; the trend from the donning Balmain zine says. The “It” look is arbitrary un- knew journalism was absolutely some- ‘80s gets a little facelift – the fur gets til you try it on (simple solution: look thing I wanted to do.” a dye and the hemline gets a snip – in the mirror - twice!). She wasn’t a fashion journalist until et voila, the 2010 hip look. “Going to Christophe became a catalyst for ex- amongst others, urging them to stop As you can see, there is not much she was half way across the globe. Af- fashion shows are a bit like going to the citement. And this is Paris, people are sending “miniscule garments” for their in this issue – except for Hilary. I re- ter working in New Zealand and brief- theatre. Even if I’m not particularly ex- always looking for something new. All photoshoots. Whilst sample sizes con- member my first encounter with her. ly in Australia, it was in Hong Kong cited by the clothes there will be some- these little differences that have made tinue to linger around the 2-4 region, It was the Giles Deacon show at the that fashion kicked in. “I did Fashion thing. The shoes, the accessories...” the impact the fashion house needed.” designers like Christopher Kane and V&A earlier in the summer. I had a and Features in Hong Kong for 4 years. Three years ago in 2006, the Balmain The only big difference between Lagerfeld have since created looks for rucksack on my back, holding a camera I would go out to local factories and girls’ silhouette was almost exactly the 2006 and now is the price of a Balmain Beth Ditto. Is there a contradiction and a stand, and on my forehead were I’d see these labels – Christian Dior, same as the following years. It has al- style jacket. While you might have had somewhere? drops of sweat. I spotted Hilary chat- Calvin Klein, Yohji Yamamoto. Eve- ways been about the rock, the studs to fork out £3000 to exhibit the runway “I think fashion needs to cause con- ting to a few people. I dashed over and rybody. They make everything there and the sequined mini dress. In 2009, style in 2006, these days Topshop or troversy from time to time. It’s about didn’t hesitate to reach out my hand from lingerie, ready-to-wear to knit Balmain has become a phenomenon Primark are not afraid to supply a rep- creating something different to get to shake hers. If you had seen me- an wear collections.” A bit like treasure - Madonna wore their mini dress in lica from just £18. About this, Hilary everybody talking. ‘Oh gosh, she’s a eager, sweaty Bridget Jones running finding indeed. And the fun fuelled her video, Rihanna, Beyonce, Victo- simply said, “I will never spend £3000 size 22’. But if you go back through the towards you, you would have pushed Hilary’s interest in reporting fashion. ria Beckham, Kate Moss and Jennifer on a jacket, never.” Fashion is ephemer- paintings at the turn of the twentieth your friends towards me and run off to Factory visits may be a thing of the Connelly were all spotted in Balmain’s al and style is timeless, and Hilary has century, like the art nouveau move- call security. past as hundreds of invites flood her style in abundance, “I’m trend aware, ment – many paintings or sketches Anyway, Hilary shook my hand with desk every year. New talent as well but I don’t slavishly follow the catwalk. were of women who were quite volup- a smile. I told her “I’m a huge fan…” as the magazine regulars all want her “Fashion needs to I try to interpret [the current trend] tuous. It just hasn’t been done recently. and she gave me her card. She told me presence. Hilary admits that choosing and, say, if a suit makes me happy, I try To be honest, it’s all about rising to the that she’d been off sick for a week but between many young designers’ shows cause controversy to communicate that to my readers – I challenge. I think it was very brave for asked me to phone her assistant none- is a tough decision, “I keep my ear to want people to like and enjoy fashion.” Karl to dress Beth Ditto.” theless. I’ve framed Hilary’s card on my the ground. People say ‘check this so from time to time” Making people enjoy fashion and feel Time was up for us. Hilary’s assist- fridge door. She is a legend! and so out’. And I try to check them happy in themselves seems to be Hi- ant Olivia strolled past and cheerfully Next week we talk country style – out if they’ve got a website. I also go lary’s mission. She created Ask Hilary, reminded us of the time. The ‘Devil the bigger and better trend that can to all sorts of student graduate fashion sequinned dresses or strong shoulder a section in the newspaper where she Wears Prada’ myth of the demanding no longer be ignored; Anshie Patel weeks, CSM or the RCA. I also go to jackets. “What Christophe Decarnin sorts out all kinds of fashion dilemmas boss and the poor assistant is not true takes us on a trip to the country where the NewGen shows during London (the Head of House) did was like an for her readers. “It’s also definitely not here. Hilary is not that kind of boss. she will tell you the prerequisites of Fashion Week.” earthquake. An added shoulder pad about the need to be a size zero or to fit She is someone who genuinely loves country-style chic. Also there will be a Out of all the well established young here, more braid, more crystals there, into these jeans or the need to get into fashion for all the right reasons and she shopping feature for people of all dif- talent in the previous season, Hilary and the dresses become more elabo- these shoes.” is someone who rises above the surreal ferent shapes and sizes. enjoyed Mark Fast, Mary Katrantzou rate. Carine Roitfeld and her daughter In June, Vogue’s Editor-in-Chief, Al- hype of fashion. For these reasons she Thank you for reading about my pa- and William Tempest’s debut shows started wearing Balmain’s pieces. All exandra Shulman issued a letter to de- never loses her place in the fashion thetic life, until next time. the most. Catching Hilary’s eye is all models liked Balmain’s clothes as well. signers, including Versace and Prada, ranks.

Agent Provocateur’s tasty new menu PPQ to design stylish swimcaps Ely Kishimoto to design for high the big sister of the ever popular street giant Anthropologie Urban Outfitters, will soon arrive on Agent Provocateur, founder, Serena Schweppes and PPQ have set up the London’s Regent Street. News Strip Ree’s, has her mind set on something “Get Britain Schwimming” campaign. Ely Kishimoto is set to design his exciting - cakes. She has co-founded Clothing line PPQ have designed a capsule collection in line with the New face of Rimmel announced GGabbyabby GentilcoreGentilcore Cocomaya, the newest (and hippest) collection of four swimming caps new Anthropologies store opening confectionary shop of the moment. based on four British traditions- Punk, in London, in order to attract the Georgia Jagger - one of Mick Jagger’s Fashion Reporter Women of London have a new place Fifties, Royal and Rockabilly. These eclectic London shopper. Already one daughters - will join Kate Moss to go and indulge. Cocomaya can be designs are available only on eBay. All of the most popular shops in its home and Lily Cole as Rimmel’s new found at 12 Connaught Street, W2. proceeds go to the swimming trust. country of America, Anthropologie, spokeswoman. © 2009 Accenture. All rights reserved. 2009

It’s not where you started, it’s where you’re going that matters. Just another day at the office for a high performer.

Autumn Presentation – Careers in Consulting

Senior Common Room Imperial College London South Kensington Campus London SW7 2A2 Tuesday 27 October at 6.00pm

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Visit accenture.com/ukgraduates/events 26 felix FRIDAY 23 OCTOBER 2009 TTravelravel Editor Dylan LoweLowe TRAVEL [email protected] WANTED: One tribe, one people, one dream, one eco-paradise This is not a how-to-survive-on-a-desert-island-eco-sustainability-project guide. Dylan Lowe re- ports on his one-week stay on Tribewanted, and how he learnt to live life to its fullest. And greenest.

ickle as it was, the moon bestowed his approval on a five-year still dazzled the waters extension to the original lease. What with a good dose of lustre. was designed as a three-year social The crackle of firewood experiment project has now a much- harmonised with its scent longer future to look forward to. –S at least when I wasn’t prodding the Vorovoro Island itself is located off bonfire to revive the flames, only to the coast of Vanua Levu, the second be retorted with blasts of smoke. My largest island of Fiji and northeast of eyes were welling, and droplets roll- Viti Levu, the political centre of the ing down the cheeks fast. I shielded Pacific nation. This 200-acre island is my face from view. home to the indigenous Fijians, many It wasn’t that I was eager to salvage of whom now live, work and play my dignity, or prove not to be a wimp. alongside visiting members and the It was because I genuinely felt like management team. shedding a tear or two. And, not so coincidentally, the is- That moment conveniently ampli- land I had opted to spend a week on. fied my disliking for leaving. * I sought solace in my fellow tribe One could not claim to have strug- members – only a week ago we were gled to fit in. Even though, upon ar- scattered beings, linked no more than rival, my fellow island residents and some six-degree of separation. Their tribe members seemed to be an inner names are now scrawled all over this circle to infiltrate – they do know book I purchased earlier from the each other a lot more than I do – not tribal market. This book, written by knowing anyone was not a valid ex- the co-founder of Tribewanted, Ben cuse for feeling alienated on Vorovo- Keene, depicts the author’s personal ro. I was swiftly reminded that, from journey in establishing the desert is- the individuals who unloaded my land community. rucksacks, the unfamiliar smiling fac- Final requests for songs were spent, es quizzing me for names and origins, the kava in the tanoa running thin. to our monthly chief Charlotte who With electricity running scarce – we The Grand Bure, centre of all things social and kava gave us a tour around the island, and had very little sunlight for the entire even Ben Keene himself who I had the weekend – we abandoned the Grand pleasure to meet, absolutely everyone Bure and scattered for our drift- dawn seemed like a gazillion years network with a real-life island com- Three years have passed by since had been in my position once, daunt- wood-made beds. I never quite made away. munity – people would meet online, negotiating a land lease deal with lo- ed as I was, and gawked blankly into it to mine – staggering towards the * participate with decision-making cal chief and landowner, the revered the great unknown. beach I found my spot, overlooking If the name Tribewanted rings a processes such as electing a monthly Tui Mali. Has Tribewanted lived up Then interactions would spark, the third largest reef in the world, on bell, chances are that you have seen on-island chief, before paying to visit to its expectations? When a devastat- either by the roaring flames or with the hammock. the block letters smeared across the the island, named Vorovoro, in person ing fire, super-cyclone, military coup kava in your gut – or both – and your They say a session on the hammock pages of the Metro, or numerous and help build a sustainable village and online scandals have all ravaged status as a complete stranger shame- can cure anything; it was my ideal other newspapers, back in 2006. This with the local indigenous community the island but failed to deter it from lessly stripped away. remedy for all kava-related discom- tourism experiment-cum-paradise as well as having the adventure of a being the success story it is today, This sense of community isn’t just forts after all. But then, can it heal a is the brainchild of two young en- lifetime. perhaps it has. something Tribewanted advocates: heartbreak? trepreneurs and avid travellers, Ben Better summed up in Ben’s own And so, as the conch sounded to more importantly, it was the founda- I didn’t, at the time, spare a thought Keene and Mark James Bowness, who words: “MySpace with a real space, mark Tribewanted’s third anniver- tion stones the island ‘tribe’ was built on that. Under the sweet, gentle sway, dreamt of linking an online social Facebook with a real face”. sary on Vorovoro, Tui Mali graciously upon.

Don’t let the President of the Hammock Society catch you exercising... Map of Vorovoro, made entirely out of island resources felix FRIDAY 23 OCTOBER 2009 27 [email protected] TRAVEL

struck by the sentimentality of the song when lined up on the beach, saying my goodbyes to the depart- ing members. Stepping back from the scene as the final moce (goodbye) was cried out, I attempted to comprehend the poignant metaphor it represented – I had just gazed into the bridge be- tween life and death. The tribe had been blissfully oblivious of the un- known that lie beyond those shores – but what would happen when it was time to leave? The thought reflected bluntly on my perception of the matter: should I shun death with utmost fright, or should I treat it as yet another adventure? And now, arousing cradled in the comforts of the hammock and morn- ing breeze, it was time to pack and ready myself for my share of Isa Lei. Confession: I failed. I disembarked some seven days ago with the deter- mination to not get too involved with the island’s affairs, to save myself the But this community doesn’t end at opted to spend 24-hours in a ham- dry season this summer – or shortag- isation that set apart my other travel heartbreak. I distanced myself from the fine line in the sand, as Tui Mali mock; the 50-odd school children es in food supplies if we persisted in experiences from the week spent on ongoing projects, sought not to en- put it, that separates us foreigners who ransacked our island with mis- our consumerist ways. All reflected Vorovoro. gage with people or develop any inti- from the Fijians. When I could say chief and laughter; the two hours and vibrantly by the deterioration of the But the dream doesn’t necessarily mate relationships, and concealed my bula (hello) and yadra sia (good twelve minutes record time for Amy sceneries we had grown to adore, and end on Vorovoro. true personality in order to achieve morning) to every single person saun- the Iron Maiden to swim around would pain us to see destroyed and As the children descended upon the isolation. How wrong was I. Not sole- tering down the streets of Labasa the island and sprint across the four devoured by our greed. shores, they were instructed to help ly for the reason that it denied all of – town and transit point between peaks of Vorovoro. It was this very Not only had Vorovoro converted pick up rubbish on sections of beach my laws and ethics of travelling, but Vorovoro and the rest of Fiji – I had madness that brought out the best of my lifestyle, it was where my love where much junk had been washed for so naïvely believing that my re- no doubt that Fijians are amongst the our personalities, our perceptions to affair for the environment had truly up. Though it wasn’t so much about moteness can win against the capti- friendliest people on our increasingly challenges. begun. Not the radical kind, but that the costless manual labour – I did vation that was Vorovoro Island and frigid planet. But to actually belong Meet Oliver, the five-year-old of admiration for the power of nature however suspect it was a motivation – its inhabitants. to a family that cast aside their dif- youngest of the Cahill family hail- and awareness of what we are doing gearing their curiosity towards recy- They say Vorovoro is one of the ferences of language, skin colour, eti- ing from Indiana. He would wield a to our planet. cling and waste management was the hardest places on Earth for goodbyes. quettes and habits, was a privilege I machete with more proficiency than With blades of the wind turbine one thing we tried to achieve on the Final words aside, all I could do was hadn’t found anywhere else. I do, or any of my peers. He would swishing above our heads, solar pan- day. The future generation of Fijians fighting back the tears. As the en- And though my patchy Fijian could tread, barefoot, on ground so jagged els basking and harvesting under the were now gathered on Vorovoro, and gines fired up, motorboat scoring a use some polishing – I could always that I could only replicate such a feat sun, biodiesel engines grinding and it was our duty to inspire and educate trail of foam against the waters, I took attend a culture class on-island and with a girly squeal. reeking, it wasn’t difficult to envision those who would spread Tribewant- a glimpse behind my shoulder. The is- learn useful phrases and songs – I Or meet Epeli – more affectionately a community of total self-sustainabil- ed’s legacy throughout the country, if land had diminished into the horizon gradually incorporated my lifestyle known as Pupu – who recently cel- ity. And with the village – including not the South Pacific or the rest of the – inevitably I began to feel ‘homesick’. with the Fijian ways of life. My sense ebrated his seventieth but continued the Grand Bure, dormitories, kitchen, world. Vorovoro had now become the place of urgency vanished overnight, I to shame thirty-year-olds with his compost toilets – entirely built by And with Vorovoro treated by many where I had left behind a shard of my worked as I saw fit even though I strength and chainsaw skills. He was the hands of tribe members past and as test ground for fusing sustainabil- heart and – I cursed under my breath would never refuse a request for the man who coined the phrase that present, piglets and chickens raised ity technology with the old ways of as realisation kicked in – my only pair help; the line sega na lega (no wor- achieved legendary status on the is- and ready for slaughter, veg patches living, who knows where this legacy of board shorts. ries) became my catchphrase, and I land: “nothing [is] hard in this world”. adorned with produce, the ‘dream’ would take us? Ben uttered something about the would never accept a bilo with less He certainly didn’t find it hard to didn’t seem the least unrealistic to * island being my home, and that I am than a ‘high tide’ of kava brimming in conceal his pain, as I discovered when me. Isa Lei expresses one’s remorse on always welcome to return. One day the coconut shell. And I couldn’t see the Fijian told me vividly over grog What about the luxury and con- the subject of departure. I had been perhaps? another way to end an evening than how he managed to accidentally drive veniences I should have experienced sensing the drum on the touch of my several nails through the flesh of his when I embark on this ‘holiday pack- fingertips, rocking to the beat, and palm. age’? Well, creating convenience feeling belittled by the natural musi- But it wasn’t all insanity on the is- and moving away from traditional A week’s stay on Tribewanted: Vorovoro costs £200, which includes food, cal talents of those surrounding me. land – there were pressing issues that lifestyles aren’t necessarily advance- accommodation and transfers to and from the island. Visit Tribewanted’s It was as though Vorovoro breathed the community was attempting to ad- ment, or evolution; rather, we are for- website (http://www.tribewanted.com) for more details on Vorovoro and lived in a separate existence to dress and deal with. Like the rising of getting the smidgens of wisdom that and the project, or sign up for free to become an online tribe member. the rest of the world. It was twisted sea level, or alterations in climate pat- had allowed our ancestors to coexist logic. It was a collective bunch of peo- terns – we had an extraordinarily wet with their environment. It is this real- ple coming together, all bearing in mind that a little bit of fun is what we need to introduce to our lives, harsh and unforgiving as they are. Think Lord of the Flies, or The Beach, mi- nus island politics, armed marijuana farmers and sexual complications. When Chez, a fellow tribe mem- ber, had found a frog lounging in her bed, an ‘investigation’ was swiftly launched and a ‘trial’ scheduled – ap- parently the activity of ‘frog-bomb- ing’ was such a rife prank-related phenomenon that Tui Mali himself outlawed it. Whatever the outcome of the trial turned out to be – unfortu- nately I missed the occasion as it took place on my day of departure – there wouldn’t be any serious punishment. On Vorovoro, deliverance of bureauc- racy and justice could only be served with a light-hearted attitude. Madness, did you say? You have yet to hear about the ‘string-man chal- lenge’, where Pete the string-man had Presenting a sevusevu – a bunch of kava roots – to local chief Tui Mali Me and the fellow tribe members 28 felix FRIDAY 23 OCTOBER 2009

110101110101111010110101 01010100101 01 001010001010000101000010 00011111010 00 01000111 1 0010000000010 011000 1111 1 TTechnologyechnology Editor SamuelSamuel Gibbs 00101101 1000101001000 100111 010 0 1111101 111011110111 011 10 101 1 0 0 10 000100001010 100 01 010 0 TECHNOLOGY 1 1 01 111 11111101 11 10 101 1 [email protected] 1 1 1 1 101111 1 1 1 1 1 1 111101 1 Goodbye Vista, hello 7 Microsoft launches its latest and greatest hope to unseat XP from Vista Be Gone! your desktop but will it succeed? Simon Worthington reports SamuelSamuel GGibbsibbs Technology Editor s you read these very words, may not even matter if your laptop is a digital revolution is oc- a few years out of date, as the system curring. All over the world, requirements for Windows 7 have people young and old are only changed very slightly since Vista, ell you could be for- carbonate MacBook also got a kick in wakingA up to a new era of user-centric- requiring only slightly more memory given for thinking this the pants with bumped specs, an in- ity and unparalleled performance. Ok, and a very slightly faster processor. is a Windows week with tegrated ‘7 hour’ battery and an LED ok, before this turns into a nauseating The graphics requirements remain un- Microsoft launching backlight. Why anyone would buy one torrent of Microsoft marketing babble changed and the amount of disk space theW much heralded Windows 7 onto of these over the marginally more ex- (or even worse, another Launch Party you’ll need has in fact dropped by sev- the unsuspecting public. Us Brits even pensive 13” MacBook Pro is beyond video) let’s cut to the chase: Windows eral gigabytes. Performance increases managed to get it early for a change, me, but I guess there must be some. 7 is here, so let’s get the lowdown on like this could breathe a new lease of due to the bloody postal strikes. Si- After a suit from the owners of the what it means for me and you. life into old laptops and save the user mon’s got a great article for you on that Mighty Mouse patent, Apple went To the untrained eye, Windows 7 quite a bit of money as previously to your left along with a down right ahead and changed their whole mouse will, for many people, be very remi- bumbling hardware gains a spring in fantastic deal for students. design concept. The Magic Mouse, niscent of Vista. There are still lots of its step from Windows 7. Microsoft also had some leaks of yet another crappy name, dispenses shiny Aero Glass and transparency ef- Speaking of money, you’d expect to the mobile variety this week. After the with things like buttons and scroll fects, and the core features like Win- have to pay through the nose for the decidedly lackluster launch of Win- wheels/balls and moves everything to dows Explorer and the Start menu new version as is usual with new Mi- dows Mobile 6.5, some leaked mock- multi-touch. Normal mousing is still remain mainly unchanged. However, crosoft releases. If you were anyone up comparison shots of WM6.5 and 7 performed by moving the thing, but there have been numerous more sub- but a student you’d be right, with the surfaced. Instead of the same old ‘Win- scrolling and clicking are done through tle changes that could take people a have been under the hood, providing retail Ultimate edition of Windows 7 dows 95’ style interface we’ve come to the touch sensitive surface. Ok, the little while to get used to. The first is a myriad of performance-related im- weighing in at a whopping £299.99. expect, WM7 looked downright touch Mighty Mouse wasn’t a great mouse the new taskbar which is pretty much provements. In benchmark tests on the There is a way for students to get it for friendly. Microsoft best be pushing for any extended use but is this thing a complete rip-off of Apple’s dock. Windows 7 release candidate it con- considerably less however, and I’m not hard to get the seventh iteration of any better? It doesn’t even feature re- It uses big, glossy icons to represent sistently out-performs Vista at pretty talking about BitTorrent. Everyone its mobile operating system out of the chargeable batteries. I guess well have programs instead of the little rectan- much everything, and in some cases it with an “ac.uk” email address (that’s door asap, otherwise it might just find to see what the public’s reaction to it is. gles we’re used to. It does this regard- even does better than XP. It is usable everyone at Imperial) can take advan- that the market space it once had has Finland this week pushed forward a less of whether or not they’re open or sooner on boot, shuts down quicker tage of the “Ultimate Steal” offer which been swallowed up by Android. law to make broadband internet access not, providing a place to ‘pin’ favourite and uses fewer system resources. In allows us to get the Home Premium Apple of course couldn’t let Micro- a human right. What this will mean for programs in place of the now-removed fact it does everything you’ve always version for the low, low price of £30. soft take all the limelight this week, en- the whole ‘disconnect the file sharers’ Quick Launch bar. They’ve also added been able to do (and more) and it’s had For more information, check out: tering the press with a refresh of their movement to tackle piracy is anyone’s several new features under the “Win- a bit of liposuction to boot. A lot of consumer level computers. First up we guess. For more on the subject Feroz dows Aero” banner, including the abil- commentators suspect that Windows http://www.microsoft.com/uk/ had a ‘new’ iMac, which to be hon- has got a spiffing article for you over ity to snap windows to the edges of the 7 will quickly become the platform of education/studentoffer. est isn’t all that new except for bigger on the right. screen and a big button to briefly hide choice for hardcore PC gamers instead screens and some Core i7 love. What Also this week Ben, our very own all the Windows to see what’s on the of XP, finally delivering the goods to Windows 7 is set to become the new Apple thinks it’s playing at with no Blu- felix photographer, takes a look at the desktop. All of this is shuffling around elitists where Vista so sluggishly failed. operating system of the moment for Ray support in a $2000 machine is any- new drool worthy Canon 1D Mk VI, the features we’ve all actually had for This isn’t just good news for those of the PC world. Whether you’re ready or one’s guess. a must read for anyone interested in ages, but presenting them in a fresh us with beefy tower computers though. not, odd’s are that it’ll start appearing The little brother of the Mac world DSLRs. The 1D is something that most and more user-friendly way. Windows 7 has also been designed on Imperial computers in the future, also got some love with a spec bump of us wish we could buy but simply Windows 7 isn’t just an old dog with with laptops, netbooks and tablets in so even though there are a few changes and the release of a Mac Mini Server, can’t afford it. If however you’re the new tricks however, the majority of mind, so anyone upgrading should see that might take a while to get used to, which is something people have been kind of person with an enormous trust changes that those crazy Microsoft de- a considerable performance increase in the long run, making the jump is using Mac Mini’s for, ever since they fund and a penchant for photography, velopers have put into the new version on lower-end systems over Vista. It something that is inevitable. first released them. The white poly- hit me up at the usual address.

Weekly Wrap-up: A quick guide to the best of the rest you might have missed

SamuelSamuel GGibbsibbs Technology Editor boards but it’s a start right? unsuspecting users without even a lit- ready provides but with much higher Armed with pedal power the Trike can DVD-Jon is back again this week with tle bit of warning, resulting in Firefox bandwidths. Think of it as a beefed up go where the Street View cars can’t and an update to his iTunes replacement blocking the plugin assuming it was ad-hoc wireless profile with easier and photograph even more of the country. This week Spotify announced a deal DoubleTwist. The update re-enables malware. Microsoft threw up a hissy- faster direct connections between de- Mind you, the Trike riders better keep with 3 to bundle it’s music subscrip- iPhone syncing, which, with the recent fit when Google announced Chrome vices. What this will mean for the up their wits about them, riding around tion service in with mobile phone con- announcement that DoubleTwist is Frame an add in for IE saying it was a and coming BT 3.0 standard is any- with thousands of pounds worth of tracts. In a move that essentially locks going to get an Amazon MP3 store in- security risk yet they do the exact same one’s guess, but for now, low power camera equipment attached. customers into a two year subscription tegration, makes it a worthy competi- thing to your Firefox installation. devices that use BT are unlikely to be WolframAlpha, the computational with Spotify, 3 users will get all you tor to, what at least on Windows, is a Microsoft’s Hotmail was also in engine, released an iPhone app this can eat music in a similar fashion to rather unwieldy piece of software. the spotlight this week for blacklist- week. How much for the convenience what Spotify has made available on the ing the NHS for 7 days. For the sec- of not going to the iPhone optimised desktop. Spotify is not the first to offer ond time addresses ending in nhs.uk site? An extortionate £30! I say thanks music subscriptions as part of a mobile were blocked by Microsoft resulting but no thanks. The only useful thing phone contract. Both Vodafone and in many patients and candidates fail- I’ve managed to get out of WolframAl- Nokia have similar services, but Spoti- ing to receive important emails and pha has been the amount of vitamin C fy’s brand for music and availability on documents. As the world’s third larg- contained in a lightyear3 of strawber- the desktop might make this a winner. est employer, the NHS has a lot of ad- ries. OK, not that useful. Spotify is also looking to push the serv- dresses, which play an important role Dell unleashed the new, anorexic ice out to many platforms and carriers in both patient care and administra- Adamo XPS to the world this week co- after starting with the UK’s most open- tion. If you haven’t already, maybe it’s inciding with the Windows 7 launch. minded network 3. time to make something else other Measuring in at a positively wafer like More mobile news this week from than the aging Hotmail your primary 0.39” thick and using a ‘heat-sensing Samsung who introduced the Samsung Being a Windows week, Micro- email account. strip’ to automatically open the lid, this Blue ‘eco-phone’. The outer shell of the soft couldn’t get everything right and The WiFi alliance this week an- upgraded with WiFi Direct. epitome of indulgence can be had for a not unattractive handset is made from in this case had its grimy mitts on nounced the WiFi Direct certification This week, Google announced the cool $2000. Just don’t expect it to en- recycled plastic bottles. Shame about Firefox. The Windows Presentation , which in effect replicates the direct Street View Trike, showing that there’s code that YouTube video of you farting all that silicon and metals in the circuit Foundation plugin was pushed upon connection facility that BlueTooth al- nowhere to hide from Street View. in your mates face whilst he’s passed out drunk in HD too quick OK? felix FRIDAY 23 OCTOBER 2009 29 [email protected] TECHNOLOGY Who cares about 3-D? Fancy some Nooky?

SSamuelamuel GGibbsibbs Technology Editor store for on the go book purchasing and downloads. WiFi is also available on the nook although it’ll be limited to I want a 1D MkVI This week has been a good week for only working in Barnes & Noble stores eBook readers. Barnes & Noble, an on launch. On the bright side Barnes BBenen SmithSmith felix Photographer American book store, has taken the & Noble will offer book browsing on fight to Amazon with it’s newly an- the nook inside their brick and mortar nounced nook eBook reader. Heralded stores ,via WiFi, that will allow you to This week, Canon announced their as ‘the most advanced eBook reader’ ‘stream the book’. This will give you ac- new flagship DSLR, an update to the the nook sure does have some stand cess to the whole book as long as you infamous 1D, the EOS-1D Mark IV. out features. stay in the confines of the store. It’s an Sporting a 16.1MP APS-H CMOS First up it’s packing Android (yes, attempt by to replicate the experience sensor (a departure from the previous you heard right, Google’s open-source of browsing and buying paper books in 1D’s full frame) capable of 10fps and mobile operating system). Whether it’ll brick and mortar book stores, some- backed up with the latest Dual DIGIC be able to run Android apps is however thing that a lot of readers feel that’s 4 processing engines. Canon is aim- not known, but chances are that some sorely lacking with eBook readers. ing its latest and greatest squarely at enterprising hacker will put together To further simulate the physical book the demanding sport, journalism and something for it even if Barnes & Noble experience, B&N have built in book paparazzi (aka the professional stalker don’t. ‘lending’, a feature by which you can market). Secondly,y, it’s ggot two screens. The lend anyy LendMe branded book to an- Headline features include a whop- now stanstandarddard 6” diagonal,diagonal, 16-lev-16-lev- ototherh ping ISO 102,400 (making stalking el graygray scale, E-ink displdisplay,ay, is possible in complete darkness), Full bbackedacked up ratratherher unusuaunusuallylly byby HD 1080p movie mode (so you can a secondarsecondaryy colour touch-touch- capture your victim’s movements in screen LCD bbelow.elow. nnookoo crystal clear HD), 100% frame cover- The pproblemroblem with owniowningn age (a feature shared by the new EOS- eBeeBookook readers friendfriend.. It’s 7D) and a new 45-point TTL autofo- sussuchch as thethe at the discdiscre- cus. The package is as with all previous AAmazonmazon tion ooff thethe pub-pu 1Ds, encased in Canon’s pro-standard KKin-in- lisher wwhetherhether tthis rubber-sealed magnesium alloy body, is enabled on a perp which means it can take a knock or two bbookook bbasis,asis, butbut BarnesBarn and won’t crumple into a mess when & NoNobleble are pushingpushing fforor as it gets knocked out of your hands by many books as possible to be some pissed off celebrity/footballer/ ‘elephant’s arse effect’ texture cover- often attached to a DSLR really stands ddlele aandnd tthehe part of the serviceservice.. ex-girlfriend. ing the main portion of the vertical out from even the better consumer SoSonyny eReader have BatterBatteryy life on the nook is rated at Building on the 1D’s three previous and horizontal grips making even the HD video cameras. Canon have also been that, quite frankly, their user 10 days of reading with the wireless off iterations (and their s and N variants), sweatiest palms stick to it like glue. given the user full manual exposure interface sucks. The technology behind with a full charge reached in 3.5 hours. Canon have listened to the cries of From an aesthetic point of view the whilst video recording meaning that E-ink displays which produce high The nook also plays mp3s with a built the pro photographer. The result is a only thing that could be a miss is the the 1D moves still cameras one step contrast and low power consumption in mono speaker or headphones jack. the new AF system (with 39 of the 45 fact that without the rather small ‘Mark closer to offering a serious challenge also produce a tediously slow refresh On the format front, the nook sup- points being cross type at f/2.8), full IV’ text you’d struggle to tell it apart to dedicated pro video cameras. The rate. This means that anything mov- ports various documents and image feature customization, the ability to from the Mk III, but in this photog- lack of proper autofocus during re- ing like a UI is frustrating to use on formats including ePub and PDFs. For add copyright data to images straight rapher’s opinion that’s not such a bad cording however means that amateurs an E-ink display. That’s where Barnes a majority of people PDF support will out of the camera and Canon’s new thing. An interesting feature is the abil- will stuggle (and fill YouTube with vid- & Noble hope the nook secondary ca- be a boon especially for those looking spot AF feature – a precise pinpoint ity to configure the Autofocus points eos of out-of-focus pets in a matter pacitive touchscreen comes in. Navi- to read text books or papers in digital focus mechanism. separately for landscape and portrait of days), but in the hands of someone gation, selection and all operations are format, something Amazon tried to Following the 1D’s generational slim- orientations allowing for super-fast who knows what they’re doing you‘ll in theory, a lot easier on a LCD touch- capture with it’s Kindle DX. ming program the Mk IV weighs in at framing switching, which should cater see some really fantastic video come screen, even if it is just a small strip at All in all the Barnes & Noble nook a svelte 1.1kg, which compared to the well to those suffering from paranoid out of a 1D and it certainly 1-ups the the bottom. promises to be a major step forward in Mk I at 1.6kg is a marked improve- composure indecisiveness. Nikon D3s. For storage the nook features 2Gb of eBook reader usability and with a $259 ment. The 1D Mk VI also bests its cur- In line with most other recent So if you’ve got a spare four and a memory built in, plus a microSD card price tag it might even be affordable. rent competition from Nikon, the flag- DSLRs, the Mk IV supports full HD half grand for the body only (yes that’s slot for expansion, so there’s plenty of Whether it will make it over to the UK is ship D3s, which weighs 1.2kg. Canon 1080p recording at 30, 25 and cinemat- £4500) and a passing interest in pho- space for all your books. Competing anyone’s guess, but with Amazon push- has also made some subtle ergonomic ic 24fps along with 720p at 60 and 50 tography or fancy yourself an amateur directly with Amazon’s Kindle, the ing their ‘International’ Kindle in the run changes which should improve an al- fps. As we’ve seen in the past HD video paparazzi, it might be worth checking nook has GSM based 3G wireless for up to Christmas, it wouldn’t be too far ready excellent grip with the proven shot with the kind of quality lens that’s this one out. access to the Barnes & Noble book fetched for the nook to follow suit.

Broadband internet access to become human right for forward thinking Finns

FerozFeroz SSalamalam Technology Reporter standards. On a wireless network in survey, along with other Far East Asian profit margins depend upon quick in- the library, you can get speeds up to 20 and Scandinavian countries, is already “South Korea formation transfer. The London stock Mbps. A wired connection in residenc- promising all it’s citizens 1 Gbps inter- exchange is planning a major systems Last week, Finnish lawmakers passed es on the South Kensington campus net by 2012. The Digital Britain Report promising all overhaul to cut transaction times from a law that entitles all Finnish citizens reaches speeds of ~95Mbps. Yet the 2009, presented to Parliament, only 2.7 ms to 0.4 ms, which is a good indi- to 1Mbps broadband. The law, which situation just a block away from cam- aims to achieve 2 Mbps countrywide citizens 1 Gbps cator of how important speed is with comes into force in July 2010, is part pus is very different. A recent survey internet by 2012, 500 times slower respect to technology. Positioning the of a broader Finnish broadband policy of global broadband quality placed the than Korea and 50 times slower than internet by 2012 ” UK as a leading country in terms of that should eventually see 100 Mbps UK 25th out of 66 countries surveyed what Finland is aiming for only three broadband proliferation could attract internet being a legal right by 2015. with UK broadband qualified as ‘meet- years later. BT received the go-ahead for it’s new a sizeable amount of investment. Of This comes at a time when a growing ing the needs for today’ and nothing Broadband accessibility isn’t just optical fibre network this March, the course a useful by-product might be number of mainland European coun- more. South Korea, the leader in the about speeds, however. Basic modern construction of which will only be the next time you move, the wait for tries have begun classifying internet internet delivery infrastructure hasn’t completed in 2012. In the meanwhile, your broadband line might be a lit- access as a human right, meaning that been created yet in the UK. Apart from most of the UK remains connected us- tle less. I’m currently pinching my it is the responsibility of each country’s “UK placed 25th Virgin who are pioneering their opti- ing traditional copper cable or 3G mo- neighbour’s WiFi signal while I wait government to provide internet access cal fibre network, all truly futureproof bile networks. till BT decides to activate my home to all it’s citizens. The situation in the out of 66 countries broadband options in the UK are still Fast and reliable internet access connection. United Kingdom, however, is rather under construction. The situation is isn’t just an issue of how fast you can dire. for broadband” set to improve in the near future, but stream movies. Countries with good As Imperial students, we are used there is a long way to go before we internet infrastructure have been able Britain lags behind in the connected to exceptionally fast internet by UK catch up to the likes of South Korea. to sell themselves to investors whose world but will it effect the economy? 30 felix FRIDAY 23 OCTOBER 2009 GaGamesmes Editors Michael Cook & Angry Geek GAMES [email protected]

Halo oh-that’s Ten Long Years - 2001 not-bad-DST Max Payne, Grand Theft Auto III and some game called Halo. A quiet year, then - join us as we continue on our trip through the last decade MMichaelichael CookCook Games Editor h, 2001. It was a very good dary game series began - again - with tempt to wring money from the play- year (but not, as we shall the launch of Grand Theft Auto III. ers. Halo was poised to become an So, I didn’t get a beta invite to APB’s archive of the Experimental Gameplay A see, as good as 2002). We’re The game which changed millions of online hit, serving huge numbers of preview session, which opened last Project the other day, hoping to catch back on the reminiscence gamers. Adam, for one: players and setting it up for an inevita- week. Bit of a pisser, really, as I was up on their back catalogue. It’s still go- road, tracking our way to the present “GTAIII made me an explorer, in a ble sequel a few years later. looking forward to seeing the 2010 ing strong - the idea is that a bunch day and reflecting on the years that way that no previous game could. Blaz- The humble Gamecube had a good MMO. I’m fairly certain it’s going to be of developers create games, on their made us the gamers we are today. ing around Liberty City pounding past Christmas showing, too - Pikmin and a big launch next year; the merging of own, in less than seven days. They Aww. Ain’t that nice? stunt jumps and stuffing hidden pack- Smash Bros. both made an appear- the GTA concept with the MMO ideal pick a theme each month, and release Let’s kick off with probably the most ages in my pockets kept me going ‘til I ance, although the Gamecube launch has the potential to be huge, as well as their efforts as they announce the next still seems lackluster when compared extending our idea of what an MMO month’s theme. Played World of Goo? to the XBox’s strong showing back in can actually be. Canabalt? Crayon Physics Deluxe? The that year. The Gamecube’s strongest Actually, combined with The Old EGP is where it all began. offerings were still to come, however. Republic, the Star Wars MMO that There’s a fierce sense of creativity And lest we forget, 2001 was a Peter claims to be story-led, the year ahead here, in every game submitted. There’s Molyneux year. In what was to be his looks like it could be a landmark one something about tight deadlines that last cock-up before he finally made Fa- for online gaming. With APB trans- gives a sense of freedom to proceed- ble, Black and White was released to forming how we think about competi- ings, and that’s what creates this amaz- great aplomb in the press, prompting tion, quests and ranking, and TOR us- ing idea, realised in a short space of Andrew to experience the following: ing Bioware’s significant track record time so as to expose the idea without “I bought into the hype for this game for narrative to try and drag the sin- getting it smothered with ‘additional entirely, as well I might, being 13. I gleplayer experience into the online features’. was gleeful as I got my baby giant ape, world, we might finally see the WoW It’s exciting to play what they’ve got astonished at the building-destructo- model breaking up and fading away. on offer there (you can get involved phyics, frustrated by the gesture recog- It’d be good, because while games yourself, too) with some stellar ideas nition, bemused as to why my creature like Champions Online show that the appearing out of nothing in a very short was becoming evil and filthy despite basic WoW format has a lot of variety space of time. But I can’t help wanting me only teaching him water-giving to give, if we don’t start to innovate to get involved myself. Any Felix read- miracles, and gave up partway through soon there’s a worry we might stagnate ers taken part in the project? Any Felix Max bloody loves my editorials. Look at him. Glued to the page so he is the second island because I was bored and be stuck like this for another ten readers interested in doing so? Get in as FUCK. Didn’t play it after a week.” years. WoW is all well and good, but touch with us - games.felix@imperial. Conan had a different experience, games like EVE Online show that we’ve ac.uk. I’d love to hear from you. bizarre story of the year - Uri Gel- knew that city better than the real one though, so maybe we’re being too hard not really begun to explore what online This week we continue with our re- ler suing Nintendo. Apparently he I lived in.” on Pete: communities can do when they’re giv- view of the decade, have a Batman fa- claimed that a Pokemon character was It also sold a metric fucktonne of “I find it to be a strangely pleasant en a game world to live in. ceoff, and more. Enjoy the issue, and if made to look like him. Wishful think- games, and secured Rockstar for the game to play. Almost relaxing. It’s just Talking of potential, I revisited the you got an APB invite - don’t tell me. ing on his part, I guess. next decade (or two). a shame the game itself wasn’t up to On the releases front, though, 2001 It’s a mixed year for the PlayStation 2. much despite all the hype and Black was a serious year. Red Faction hit the Blockbuster titles like Devil May Cry and White is the one and only case PC PlayStation 2 with the promise of de- hit and become major selling points, Gamer ever admitted that they had structible environments and a new age whilst niche, ‘art’ games like Ico sup- praised a game far too highly to my Classics-that-never-were: No. 1 of technology in gaming, a promise it plemented the console’s attack on the knowledge.” would wait nine years to fulfil properly Dreamcast with beauty and superior Then again, it’s pretty difficult to be in Red Faction: Guerilla. design. With Japan receiving Final too hard on Molyneux. “Max Payne is such a classic. Maybe Fantasy X (we’d receive it the following Next week we visit 2002, and the it wouldn’t stand up to today’s stand- year), it was an extremely good year for birth of online console gaming prop- ards but when I first played it, and last Sony, one of the defining twelve month er, the defection of Rare, and the best played it, it blew me away.” Owyn says. periods for the console itself. platformer ever devised finally gets “Forget the action - which is im- What’s interesting, as we look back released. Want to get your thoughts in mense - it’s all at the last ten years, is to watch the this section? Wordsplosion us at about the story, rise of Activision, now part of the larg- games. felix@imperial. presentation and est publisher around, ActiBlizzard. In ac.uk, and we’ll throw atmosphere for 2001 Activision purchased Treyarch, you in next me. It ef- who would later go on to develop the week’s banter. fortlessly Call of Duty franchise that was a key created an part in their rise to power. interesting In the latter part of the year, Met- and dark al Gear Solid 2 and Halo released, world that sparking a furious Christmas as the you always XBox hits stores. Both MGS2 and wanted Halo were defining moments for gam- to know ers, as the graphical promise of the more next generation began to show in the about, big-name games being released. Met- and delve al Gear Solid 2’s intricately detailed deeper into. scenes looked beautifully cinematic Love that at every turn, while the first-person game.” emphasis on Halo enhanced the large- Max Payne scale sci-fi warfare and made it all the wasn’t the more visceral. only hit that Halo, in particular, represents for came out of many the beginning of a whole new Rockstar that type of gaming - online multiplayer. year, however. XBox LIVE (which at this point was A PPost-Friendshipost-Friendship SimulaSimulationtion This was the still 12 months away) was to blow the year that PlayStation2 system out of the water a legen- soon after its launch, requiring far less setup and investment than Sony’s at- felix FRIDAY 23 OCTOBER 2009 31 [email protected] GAMES The Versus Round - Arkham Asylum The latest part of the Batman saga is out, but is bat-tastic or a joker? Adam Omar and Nick Virago fight it out

et’s start with the positives. formation as: ‘2 hostiles detected, 1 here are two types of great The voice acting is spot unarmed, 1 armed’. Yeah no shit, Sher- game. There are games on. Most of the main cast lock. As if I needed to press a button to which innovate, but stum- L of Batman: The Animated get that bit of information, as opposed T ble. Games like the flawed Series is present, and they to, you know, simply counting the ARMA 2, a game riddled do a good job. Special mention goes number of enemies on screen and hav- with gigantic, fun-ruining bugs, which to Mark ‘Luke Skywalker’ Hamill, ing a look at whether or not they’ve got is still great because it communicates who plays the Joker. His cackling voice weapons? Once in a while the player its vision of large-scale, beautifully- spews such wonderful lines as “Tell will have to use the ‘evidence scanner’ realised warfare. Then there are games me Bats, what are you really scared of? portion of the detective mode. The that refine. Games that take a template, Failing to save this cesspool of a city? evidence scanner is basically like a bad a well-established style, and build it Not finding the commissioner in time? point and click adventure game – scan from the ground up, fixing the prob- ME! In a thong??” every pixel till you find the object that lems, enhancing the good bits, polish- The art direction and sense of style glows. Not exactly prime detective ing and sanding down a genre. Step and atmosphere are amazing, and work. forward Batman: Arkham Asylum, the thankfully they mimic the cartoon A word about physics. I find it per- latest beautiful refinement of the third and the comics more than the recent plexing that this game completely person action adventure. movies. The game engine, however, is wasted many many good physics-y op- The aim here was clearly to sew to- play as a result. crap. No matter how many bloom and portunities. More development time gether the good bits of being Batman And it’s not a classic, alright. Let’s get fog effects they smear on the screen, should have gone to the grappling and chop off the bad. Combat is a that straight. Batman isn’t going into the graphics never look good (from a hook, rather than the cape. great example - it eschews fiddle but- the history books here no matter what technical point of view); it’s sort of like Other gripes include the Riddler ton combinations, instead preferring talk you hear of ‘Game of the Year’. a Vauxhall with red paint and a Ferrari collectibles strewn about the game to keep both eyes and brain locked Because Batman doesn’t innovate, it’s badge. True to its console roots, tex- world – obviously a cheap way to to the screen, asking you to choose happy just to do a job and do it well. tures are low-res and repeated ad in- extend game time, though they do the next target. This removes the The hublike layout of the eponymous finitum. No matter how high you turn break the immersion somewhat. need to memorise a keyboard lay- asylum is straight out of a mid-nineties up the resolution, it’ll look crap with- The checkpoint save system is out, and instead neatly emphasises platformer, and there are boss fights out lots of anti-aliasing on and it’ll run always a bad idea, no matter the need to keep an eye out for which - yes, Dara - require you to do crap unless PhysX is turned off. PhysX what game it’s in. It’s espe- threats. You’re Batman. You something three times before victory. doesn’t really add anything anyway be- cially annoying here since know how to do a reverse-up- It’s true. But being content with doing sides cloth-ier cloth and cobweb-ier checkpoints aren’t where percut-ollie- a good job isn’t a bad thing. cobwebs and foggier fog. you expect them to be, crotchgrab. It all gels together so well, it all con- Now we get to the meat (or rather, e.g. the start of each So you nects up in such a beautiful way, and it level not being a don’t need checkpoint. Also, a to worry “...left click, left flock of black bats about it - in- “...you are appear and fly to- stead, you’re click, left click...” wards the top left watching to see who’s the goddamn corner of the screen got a gun, who’s running to every time you gain alert the others, who’s getting ready to Batman...” the rotting maggot ridden carrion) of experience. All this lunge in with a kick. You know, super- the game, the gameplay. You will spend experience you get hero stuff. Stuff that makes your chest a large portion of your time in Arkham is used to purchase bulge and your biceps break out of wants you to play it. It does. It remem- Asylum running down look-alike cor- ability and equip- that smelly, unwashed t-shirt. bers that challenge in games shouldn’t ridors and beating up groups of thugs. ment upgrades, This is the key - WWBD? If Bat- be like an end-of-term exam, but like This is where things fall apart. One which seems a bit man would do it, add it in. That’s a kickabout in Hyde Park with some button is used as an all-purpose attack odd, since it’s essen- fun. If he wouldn’t, chuck it. Be- mates. You’re having fun, while dis- button. You cannot control exactly tially Batman paying cause the odds are that those things playing a skill. You’re not performing what he does; you can merely point in himself for his own stuff. are gamey and dull. strict instructions under the threat of the rough direction of an enemy and Also, the batarang infi- So stealth, say, isn’t a case of alarms punishment. You’re mucking around. click. It looks impressive in game, with nite ammo and auto- and view cones and countdowns and You want to lure twelve goons into an Batman twirling and flipping like a true aim removes any snore, snore, snore. You’re the fuck- epic fist-fight? Do it! Or pick them off master, but all the player will have to do need for skill. ing Batman, right? Death shadow? one by one and hear them scream and is left click, left click, left click. Right- Batman Arkham Angel of darkness? You grapple into get paranoid. Smear exploding glue on clicking activates your counter move, Asylum is an utter the shadows, and you’re gone. To the walls. Do what you want. which you only press when you see a disappointment. a gamer, that sounds like an easy It’s a toybox, through and through, blue sign, quick-time-event style. You There’s a sense way out, oversimplifying the game and that’s a good thing. The challenge have absolutely no control over what throughout mechanics. But the goons are still modes, for instance, are all about get- Batman actually does, only whether the game that there, the puzzles are still unsolved, ting better at the balletic combat - not or not he does it. There is such a large it could have the objectives incomplete. And ul- about the memory, but about the feel- difference between your control inputs been so timately, you’re still very weak, and ing. About being the powerhouse, the and what actually happens in the game; much bet- very prone to Bullet In The Face iron-clad motherbitch without need- you might as well sit on the mouse and ter, if only syndrome. No, the grapple-tastic ing to fiddle around with a gamepad or let your buttocks play the game. The it hadn’t freedom doesn’t make the game look up the best moves online. cherry on the proverbial excrement been de- too easy. It just makes you a It can feel a little counterproduc- cake is the unskippable slow-motion signed to bit more like Batman. Are tive at times, but Batman’s sense of scene you have to sit through each time cater to you noticing the pat- freedom and character is a strength, you kill the last enemy in a group. the lowest tern that’s forming not a weakness. The game is a linear The combat, although horrible, isn’t common here? thing, and some elements are laugh- nearly as infuriating as the ‘Detective primordial “Tight” and “Sol- ably last-year. But it sets out to do one Mode’. The detective mode lets you see ooze de- nomi- id” are the words thing - deliver on the license. And after through walls and makes evidence and nator. The grime at the you’ll hear describ- a string of terrible, terrible games that important items glow bright bottom of your bathtub ing this game. It’s finessed, are supposed to support a franchise of orange. also highlights could play it. The game polished, the graphics are well- some kind, Batman is the first one in a nearby ene- is just too easy, Opinionated bastard? rounded without demanding you long, long time that actually manages mies, and dis- and far too upgrade the old box in the corner. to convey the material it’s based on. plays such auto- Write for Versus - simply smash The UIs give you exactly the informa- When I first played Batman, I was useless in- mated. It really your keyboard angrily in the tion you need - no more, no less. That initially put off. It seemed overblown, is the equivalent general direction of takes careful design. The voice acting and I’m always hesitant when people of watching a Bat- is well-directed, full of life and yet not start declaring something to be this man movie while randomly [email protected] overused and annoying. It’s an elegant good. clicking away on your mouse balancing act of a game, and a joy to But Batman really is special. 32 felix FRIDAY 23 OCTOBER 2009 Nightlife Editor Charlotte Morris NIGHTLIFE [email protected] What’s next on the list? A blast to the past, You’ve all finished with Freshers’ Week, and now nobody knows with roller-skates! what to do, right? Wrong. Well, Charlotte Morris does anyway Ed Knock gets his lycra on and gets rolling k guys so Freshers Week is over and we’ve had a ice skating and the club operates a one little bit of time to nurse way system to avoid collisions. Howev- O the hangover and get er the atmosphere is very relaxed and back ‘on it’. And there’s you mingle at the edge to chat or show not that much going on at the Union some moves on your skates. at the moment so we’re not quite sure Renaissance Rooms is the perfect place what to do with ourselves around Lon- to go with good friends or maybe take a don, right? girl on a date as opposed to ice skating. You’ve been told about Vodka Island The best news is that on Thursdays at Tiger Tiger and OnAnon and no it operates a student night, £5 entry doubt you’ve all been to Cheapskates and free skate hire from 8pm till 12am by now, but we can probably do with- (this is a bargain when you consider out them most of the time. Don’t get how much ice skating costs). Drinks me wrong, all of those nights (mostly Roller-disco @ Renaissance are standard London prices with few run by a company called Rough Hill – Rooms offers but this is not the place where check their website if you’re into that Vauxhall you want to get drunk. It’s a safe option kind of thing) can be a good night out, Thursdays, £10, £5 NUS if you still want a good night out but except you have to get stupidly drunk fancy giving your liver a rest. The Club and/or dressed up like an idiot to have is also open on a Friday and Saturday fun and fit in at those places. But Lon- 3 am on a night bus, your eyelids are night, where entry prices rise to £15 but don has so much more! heavy and you are sure you just sat on it stays open till 2am. I thought I’d put together a few of some fresh chewing gum conveniently I accidently stumbled across Ren- my favourite clubs and bars around placed on the seat by the last passen- aissance Rooms with a group off London for you to see what you think. ger. It’s been your 3rd night at Tiger Ti- friends one night whilst desperatelyy Also, for when you’re just in the mood ger that month and as your best mate searching for somewhere to go in to go out but you’re not sure what you slumps across your chest murmuring Vauxhall. Dressed for a nightt fancy – Time Out London is a brilliant something about On Anon on Thurs- out in a fashionable West website for club listings. day you think: “Is this the only nightlife End club we looked slightlyy Otherwise, check felix every week London has to offer? Terrible music, out of place amongst the and we should have some things to in- vomit inducing drinks deals and sticky bright neon attire of fellow terest you! floors, can there be something differ- clubbers/skaters. However wee ent?” If this has ever run through your strapped on our wheels andd Get down to Matter and join the masses in dancing like there’s no tomorrow! head during a moment of impending were soon flying aroundd sobriety then let me introduce you to the circuit to the rhythms Club NME @ KoKo Renaissance Rooms. of The Supremes, If thiss Mornington Cresent able on a Monday night, personally I I guess you can see from the clubs Located in Vauxhall, this club con- still doesn’t sound like Fridays, £5, £4 NUS before wouldn’t like to pay the entry price and I’ve chosen to tell you about, that my tains a perfectly reconstructed 70’s your idea of a good night midnight drinks prices for the other nights that music taste lies between indie-electro style Roller Disco! Leg-warmers and out then I will point you in Punk put on!! and drum & bass, but don’t let that spandex are a must for this fun and the direction of one of myy This night is run by the same people put you off. There are plenty of clubs energetic night out. The interior of the friends who plays rugbyby KoKo is probably the one club in Cam- who put on a similar night at King’s around London which cater for differ- club is simple with a two tier skate rink for Saracens and iss den that everybody has heard of. With College Union, called After Skool ent genres of music. I’ve been to a night in the centre and two bars lining each what most would its dramatic, theatre-style interior and Club. On a Saturday night it’s £7 entry called Voodoo which moves around to side. The music is naturally Motown, call a ‘Lad’ but evenn bands playing every week, KoKo can and supposedly a pretty good night! different clubs (when I went it was at funk and other 70’s classics mixed he was enjoyingg be a great place to spend your Friday Electrowerks, Angel) and they play in with some early house and a few the carnage of a nights. Although the impression of mostly metal, punk and ska - always modern chart hits. Don’t worry if this tipsy roller disco. grandeur created by the decor can also Matter a good night out, playing everything doesn’t sound like your style though, Renaissance be reflected in the drinks prices (and North Greenwich from Alexisonfire to Nine Inch Nails once you slip your neon tights into the Rooms is situated the taxi price if you can’t handle the bus Prices vary, usually around to The Specials. skates, you feel immediately transport- minutes away from home), Club NME is the closest thing £15 And there are plenty of nights out ed back 30 years and you will soon be Vauxhall Station and is KoKo has to a real ‘student night’. They around Camden that play that kind showing your skills on the dance floor. easy to get to from any- have a pretty wide range of live bands of music. Purple Turtle in Camden is “But I can’t skate!” I hear you scream. where in West Londonono playing at KoKo, although the majority I had never been to the O2 arena, or a good one for live music and Under- This is not a major problem, roller skat- with Tube links andd fit quite nicely into the ‘indie’ bracket. the Millenium Dome - far too far world generally plays rock music (albe- ing is similar to ice skating but much many night buses. So This Friday 23rd they have Bleach, The across London for not really anything it a bit cheesy) along with some indie simpler and only after half an hour you throw off your danc-anc- Drums playing as live bands, and they interesting. Matter is worth it. Its ac- and some metal. should soon it pick up enough to have ing shoes and putut on always have a couple of DJs on after- tually quite fun to have a stroll along- If you’re looking for a particularly a good time. The protocol on the skat- your roller skates;s; then wards - this week there’s a DJ set from side the Thames as the sun comes up at cheap night out, head to Shoreditch, ing rink/dance floor is again similar to get your funk on!n! Ou Est Le Swimming Pool and Brain- 6am, as you’re on the way to the Tube where places usually allow free entry. love Records! station to get the train with those very Drinks prices usually compensate for disapproving commuters. this but you don’t have to get ‘smashed’. They have different events through- Clubs to look out for in Shoreditch in- out the year - they even had a Freshers’ clude Electricity Showrooms, Hoxton Bite @ Punk event where Faithless did a live set. Pony and T-bar, which are all around Tottenham Court Road The next big thing not to be missed Old Street and Liverpool Street. Most Get involved! Fridays, £5, £3 NUS/flyer at matter is Hospitality on 6th Novem- of these places also finish quite early ber, with acts including High Contrast, (around 1-2am) so, although there So you’ve read what I’ve got to say, what have you been up to on London Elektricity and Beardyman (if usually is dancing, they probably fall in you get a chance to see Beardyman - the ‘bar’ category as opposed to ‘clubs’. your nights out around London? Whether it’s a bar or a club and Another one of my favourite indie he’s awesome, we saw him at Bestival!!). They’re also generally better to go to you thought it was amazing or pretty rubbish, let us know!! haunts, Bite at Punk on a Monday See their website for more details, but on a weekend!! is always good fun. Playing all kinds basically they have the best events for There are always the ‘gay nights’ too of electro-indie and pop, this club is drum & bass, house and techno. They - Popstarz at The Den (formerly The Email me at: [email protected] tucked away just off Oxford Street. The run alongside the well-known club End) and G-A-Y Late, where you can club itself is quite small (in comparison Fabric in organising freshers’ events so sing and dance along to all the cheesi- If you’re lucky, it might end up in felix! to the others I’ve put together on this look out for them, especially if you live est pop songs, from Girls Aloud to page). Drinks prices are fairly reason- in halls!! Britney! felix FRIDAY 23 OCTOBER 2009 33 WELFARE FEATURE

Paper trails: that morning after feeling David Stewart woke up and everything felt fairly normal, then came that impending feeling of doom down below

t is that time of year that a lot of gone to bed only a few hours before, drinking takes place. When you you do not want to fall asleep and wake I factor in the vindaloo on top of up with Maintenance breaking into the What does your backside deserve? the pints, cocktails and/or glue- cubicle to find you splayed out on the sniffing, you will need to take care of floor with your underwear round your your body the day after your bender, as legs, dribbling. SAINSBURY’S 100% Recycled Paper. it will be delicate. 4. Toilet paper. It is very important Your first priority must be sanitation. that you invest in decent material. (In 6/12/Rainforest size packs) To that end (ahem), I have prepared Since you will probably need to make This paper is for those passionate about green issues, the following points to help you with several unpleasant visits a day, using the weeks ahead. the freely provided material can eas- but not so much that they wipe with dock leaves. May 1. When nature calls, you will of- ily render your backside raw, possibly contain splinters. Not recommended when in extremis. ten have very little warning, and time even bleeding. Naturally this is exacer- will be of the essence. Make sure you bated if you had a plate of Madras or know in advance where the nearest toi- a kebab with too much chilli sauce the ANDREX, LUXURY QUILTED TOILET TISSUE (6 pack) lets are to your room and any lecture previous night. Below I have reviewed While not as soft as wiping yourself on the brown-furred puppy with which it is advertised, its theatres. Give priority to those facili- a few options which you may like to ties where the impact of your activities consider. softness quotient is still high. A very nice paper. will be less on others. Loos which have Lastly, you must check supplies, and fewer cubicles or that are less popular make sure not to get caught out by are preferable. finding that you have been left with JOHNSON & JOHNSON, BABY WIPES (Tubs of 200 sheets) 2. Try to estimate when you are go- nothing but cardboard. If this situation A trip down memory lane and particularly useful for the more messy encounters. Have some ing to need to expel the excesses of does arise, here are your options: the previous night. Make sure friends a) call for help; of these on hand should you require help, if still drunk the next day -- your friends will thank are warned so they can be elsewhere. b) soak the cardboard from the roll you for it. Be discreet: if you are leaving behind a in the cistern of the toilet until it splits hazardous environment and someone into sheets: if you’re frugal with it, you appears to be about to enter it, stop may be able to get by with just this; PLENTY, KITCHEN ROLL them and say ‘Brünhilde wants you c) Sit on the floor and pull yourself on line two.’ They will know what it forwards along the floor with the balls Often a last resort when nothing else is available. As the advert says, this is extremely means. of your feet like a dog with an itchy absorbent, and so useful for those days where little food has been ingested. Be careful of 3. Take reading material. This will anus. Turn back every few seconds to seepage. We do not recommend that you wring these out for reuse. keep you occupied in the event that see when the brown streak has run out. you must spend longer than you in- (N.B. The last of these is really very tended. Also, given that you may have disgusting. Don’t actually do it.) READING MATERIAL See point 3. (left), I recommend anything by Dan Brown.

KITCHEN SCRAPS Typically consisting of orange rind, potato peelings, mouldy celery, yoghurt pots, etc. These are the economical choice. If using, try to select large fruit and vegetable matter to avoid getting your hands dirty. Rims of yoghurt pots can be particularly helpful.

LIDL, BUDGET LOO ROLL Frankly, you may as well just use a handful of road grit.

It looks nice there, but I bet your burning bumhole tells a different story 34 felix FRIDAY 23 OCTOBER 2009 CLUBS & Clubs & Socs Editor Alex Kendall  SOCIETIES [email protected] Freshers leave London for the outdoors On a weekend full of firsts, Thea Powell climbs Snowdon as her first mountain, with 32 others... and a frog

aving had random in- After two (early but sleepy) games of troductions to people Werewolf (complete with accents), we and ‘roll call’ outside all finally climbed into various things H Beit, 33 people (1 mini- we summarised as beds. bus, 2 cars and one ul- Sunday – and the ‘dawn chorus’ of timate disco bus) set off on the long cutlery alarm clocks harshly woke us drive to “The Hut”, roughly 230 miles to a cloudy day. With aching muscles, away in Snowdonia, Wales (IF you take we packed and gorged on much bet- the shortest route – which we didn’t) – ter porridge. The washing up (myself ETA 1am Saturday. particularly enjoying the burnt layer of As a third year biologist my time is porridge) and roof packing were stead- almost up at Imperial. But as a fresher ily finished, and the last of those chips to the club, and with the only thing to (with old vinegar and new cheese) go on being a very busy 40-minute in- made a dubious second breakfast. tro meeting (there was free pizza and Within three hours we were nearing wine), I didn’t know what to expect Cnicht and the clouds on a much wet- from the Fellwanderers. My £30 in, ter, muddier, greener climb. bag packed, and phone signal rapidly New views of beautiful lakes kept declining, I decided to expect the least; us happy, as well as bogs (particularly that way things could only get better! keen on Rachel), and our new addi- The usual motorway fun was ac- tion Snowdon the frog, who I propose companied by an impromptu trip to a as official fresher trip mascot. Having random family’s toilet in their Trave- had first lunch earlier we were now lodge room. After having bought huge amongst the clouds, mountains and amounts of chips in the vain hope that valleys and members in the group these would fuel us over the next 48 quickly became Lord of the Rings char- hours, we arrived about 1:30am to a acters – complete with white Shadow- cold, beautiful, starry night. fax parked patiently. The summit was 33 people made easy work of unpack- the exact opposite of Saturday with vis- ing, and before long people had sorted ibility low, wet trousers, soggy feet and their beds (including a long line of all drenched fringes. It’s true that in the girls – nice work for Imperial!). By 3 or UK you get wet, but it won’t kill you 4am the talk had died down and heavy (and you might even get walking-boot- breathing filled the hut’s two floors and heated swimming pools). the 5 tents outside (free pizza obvious- After a rocky, steep, weight-distrib- ly has a certain pull). It turns out bears will eat anything except extremely spicy cheesy pasta. Freshers are far less picky. uting descent, the rain stopped and we began to see what we had just climbed up looming behind us. Back with By 8am on Saturday we were up and photos, taking far more time than I disco bus and Shadowfax, the warm ready to go, consuming the thickest usually do in London. All us newbies clothes, different shoes (poor Peter!) concrete-porridge for breakfast (a la were sweat drenched and smiling. and booming Jolene, the satisfaction of Jim) to drive our ascent up Snowdon, a First (and only) lunch was placed the walking was made even better. In huge (in-my-lack-of-experience) 1085 just below the summit, which was sur- the two days we had walked over 31km meters! The sun was shinning (big prisingly busy (silly train), and com- and ascended over 1700m. grins) and, with what felt like the per- plete with Pimms for a lucky few. The Before we know it, we’re speeding fect outdoor-loving atmosphere, the 1085m summit and banner photo was home and I’m writing this on the M- group split into two and we were off! ceremoniously recorded, and people whatever in the dark, looking forward As conversation covered travel, mu- who had known each other less than 12 to a pub dinner. I’ll leave the awesome sic, food and photos (all those things hours found they already had so much street and roof dancing outside Beit at that we basically don’t have money in common. 11.30pm to ‘Wonderwall’ and ‘Jolene’ for), our feet began to make headway. Back at the hut, the cutting of huge to be re-enacted one day. There are no After only a few hours we had already amounts of onions (Rachel and I got words. reached a beautiful ridge, with old quite emotional) and the exposure of In my last year I am obviously go- mining sites, mountains and few hu- Jim’s huge stiff sausage (seriously – ing to be in the library a depressing mans as a rewarding view. Below the ask Alex for details) meant the dinner amount. A new silver lining to this is shinning blue sky (again – yay!) and far vat was steadily filling. Expecting the that with dozens of new friends and above the sea, I and the other ‘freshers’ least? No need. Hot showers, tea, a fire, LOTS of lactate in legs, the Fellwan- looked up – and up – to the summit, pub opportunities and all the cheesy derers are exactly what you would ex- which we were told was only another pasta (with the largest amount of pep- pect from the first impression. hour away. per I’ve ever tasted) you could eat, the I would encourage anyone and eve- As a true lover of travel and nature, evening was in full swing. With all this, ryone to get involved in this society. and as a third year, I have a few things and a dessert of margarine-biscuit- For these reasons (and the amazing to admit. This was only my second caramel-condensed-milk-banoffee pie UK countryside), I am hooked. I hope trip with any Imperial club. This was (complete with mystery), the standards the other freshers are too - roll on Lake my first full mountain climb. This was for future trips had defiantly been set. District! my first trip to Wales (hangs head in shame). The combination of sun and al- titude produced a very confusing Your Club or Society Here. hot-cold mash and the steep incline left me panting and regretting a pre- Description of your awesome trip or event here. gym-training-trip. This said, this was fast becoming a fantastic experience There are 346 clubs and societies at Imperial. Want your club to be in felix? for me. I hope everyone there felt the same! Send us a description of a trip, event, tour or social Some pushes up steep bits left me panting and feeling a little with some good pictures and everyone will know about it. daunted, but every biscuit, mint cake and photo stop made it all worth it. Email [email protected] What happens when CivEng and Physics students try to defy gravity. Most stops for me consisted of taking felix FRIDAY 23 OCTOBER 2009 35 CLUBS & Clubs & Socs Editor Alex Kendall  SOCIETIES [email protected] One more PotMed leads to thousands more Medical Students Umar Chaudhry and Jana Kossaibati show us how a logistical nightmare becomes an application saviour

alking through the were told to spend the next 4 hours rything didn’t run like clockwork we doors of the Sir in there, just to get a flavour of actual would have had an almighty disaster. Alexander Flem- university life. Opening speeches by Sadly, no fireworks ensued. Everyone W ing Building for the president and the adjudicator were was where they were meant to be at the first time three followed by talks about life at vari- the correct time and if any problems years ago seemed to be as nerve-rack- ous medical schools such as Leicester were encountered, the SAF maps and ing as my university medical interview. University, King’s College and Queen timetables were again at hand to solve Thankfully, both turned out to be OK. Mary’s. whatever it was that needed solving. However, actually helping to organise These were followed by brief talks This was the case for the best part of this year’s PotMed was one hell of an about personal statements, communi- 3 hours, and by 5pm everyone had had experience; sweating from head to toe cation skills, ethics and how to shine enough. on the night prior to the event doesn’t in interviews. It was great to see so Being heaved into the lecture theatre really do justice to how I was actual- many of the students eagerly taking for the last time, prizes were awarded ly feeling. Luckily it turned out to be notes throughout the morning, some- for the best mock interview perform- nothing short of fantastic! thing that will no doubt be replaced by ances and closing remarks were of- So I guess it seems that the more I sleeping when they are finally medical fered. The day finally came to a close. worry, the better an event is likely to students! The highlight of the morn- At this point, I would very much like be. (Maybe I should cash in on my abil- ing session was definitely the keynote to thank all the volunteers that turned ity to become nervous...). But, on Sun- speech delivered by none other than up on the day. Your commitment and day 27th September 2009 at 7:15am, I Professor Karim Meeran. He described desire to help those entering the world entered SAF for the umpteenth time as his path to success and the basic ‘do’s of medicine cannot be appreciated a 3rd year medic. Seeing two potential and ‘don’t’s of applying to medicine. enough. We would also like to thank You too could be getting this situation horribly wrong sooner than you think medics already seated (having arrived the Union for their contribution and a good two hours before the show was Jana: guidance throughout the organisation about to start), it really did put things of the event. improve. I found PotMed fantastic for amongst you.” into perspective. (Wait, have I already You may be wondering what the com- Super-organized as we were, feed- interview preparation especially. mentioned how successful the event mittee was doing whilst the students back forms were provided for the at- “Thank you to all the Muslim Med- Umar and Jana: actually was?) Track back 48 hours were in the lecture theatre. Truth tendees to fill in. Here are some of the ics, you are all inspirational! PotMed when committee members were up be told, not very much. However we comments we received: 2009 was great, not only enjoyable Reflecting on the event as a whole, ul- until 6am finalising the details to be all hung around nervously, shuffling but also very educational. Also got to timately the most important thing was sent out to all the ‘PotMed-ers’. Or sheets here, adjusting badges there, as Year 13 students: meet some ace people! So I am sure I whether or not the students benefited go back a further week when Muslim we prepared ourselves for the stam- am speaking for everyone when I say a from the event. A vast majority of Medics’ pens were being bought and pede of hungry 17 and 18-year-olds “Just a short note to say thank you to huge thank you to MM.” students did seem to think so. Hope- two thousand sheets were being print- that were to engulf the SAF foyer. And the whole team - PotMed was awe- fully, they can use the guidance they ed. Or even a further 4 months when so at 1pm it began; volunteers were some! There were a lot of things I Gap year student: received that day to secure a place in the room bookings were being made. being organised and interview rooms would never have picked up on or lines medical school, which was our ulti- On the day, everything just seemed to were set up. Lunches were served, doc- that I wouldn’t have thought of unless “Thank you very much for allowing me mate goal. flow. tors (for interviews) were dressed in I went to something like this... Also to take part in this year’s PotMed. It Proceeds will be going to charity and So, PotMed 2009 was the fourth of gowns and questions by students were the students running it made it all the was eye opening, and I have learnt a lot we hope that the Muslim Medics so- its kind. Just like its predecessors, it being cheerfully answered. more interesting and gave a more real about the course of medicine. ciety can continue and build upon this is an annual event hosted by ICSMU These same students needed to view of what med life might be like... I thank you and your friends, for event to help even more medical stu- Muslim Medics society aimed at giving know where to go in the maze that is Yes it was intense but never boring putting this on. It was truly a great dents reach their potential in years to potential medical students a taste of the SAF building, but all was not lost and I left with so much to work on and experience; I witnessed a community come. the gruelling application process and as they had a handy floor plan to fol- university life in general. low. Somehow at 2pm everything was The motto is simple: an event by ready. Ethics seminars had case reports medical students for potential medi- prepared and were raring to go. The cal students. The one difference this Personal Statement Clinic had suffi- time round was the sheer number of cient volunteers to match the demand applicants - almost 150 more than the of over-eager students. Tours left on previous year! An amazing 250 pre- time and... I guess that’s all I’m going to medical students turned up on the day, say about the tours. each looking to learn different things The fourth rotation, the mock in- about the application process. terviews, was the one everyone was Having been registered and shoved really anxious about. We were work- into the lecture theatre by 9am, they ing to a very tight schedule and if eve-

Medical students always enjoy leaving the SAF 36 felix FRIDAY 23 OCTOBER 2009 What’s on... Clubs & Societies Calendar Editors – Lily Topham & Rachel D’oliveiro

[email protected]

Mon 26th Oct Tues 27th Oct Autumn Assassins Game Christian Union Impact – From today until one man/woman stands! – “Wake, Eat, Work, Drink, Sleep – Why doesn’t – £2, sign up by buying Assassins Guild member- life ever satisfy me?” ship online – 12 noon, Union Dining Hall – Discussion lunch open to all students. Free! PhySoc Wall-E Film Night – 6:15pm, Blackett LT2 Hindu Soc - Ujaali – Free with free popcorn! – 7-11pm, Great Hall, Sherfield – An extraordinary evening of Rass Garba and Afro-Caribbean Soc Film Night Dandiya. Live Music by ‘Strings’! – 6:30pm, Huxley LT308 – £8 (members), £10 (non-members) – Free (members), £2 (non-members) – Tickets from SAF at lunchtimes

Medsin Explained Chocolate Soc – “A Chocolate Affair” – 6:30-8pm, SAF LT1 – Blackett 8th Floor Common Room – Find out all about Medsin and how to get in- – Free (members), £3 (non-members) volved. Free snacks and drinks! – Quality chocolate provided, coupled with lots of chocolate cakes.... Friends of MSF Nandos Night – 7pm, Nandos Gloucester Road – To confirm a place email: [email protected] Weds 28th Oct Snooker Club – 9-ball Pool Team Trials – 12:45pm, meet at entrance to Beit Quad – Free (members), £2 (non-members) To Do.... Afro-Caribbean Soc Games Night 1) Bake Cake – 6pm, SAF LT G34 – Free for all! 2) Make Halloween costume..... Outdoor Club – Brick Lane Curry Night 3) Email [email protected] – 7:30-11pm (Club name & event, time, place, price, – Meet outside Beit Quad (tube to Brick Lane) pics...)p ) byy end of TuTues 27th.7t – Less than £10 for a meal, bring own drinks... – Contact: [email protected]

Fri 30th Oct

PhySoc Lecture – “Antimatter: Angel or Demon?” given Thurs 29th Oct by Professor Frank Close OBE, Oxford The Big Chill University – Doors 7:30pm, Performances from 8pm – 1pm, Blackett LT1 – Reynolds Bar, Charing Cross Campus – ICSM Light Opera Society presents an evening Afro-Caribbean Soc CHOP CHOP of jazz and acoustic music – 6-10pm, Union Concert Hall – £4 with free nibbles – £4 (members), £7 (non-members) – A celebration of Afro-Caribbean culture with food, music and presentations! felix FRIDAY 23 OCTOBER 2009 37

HangmanPuttingPutting thethe catcat outout toto drydry [email protected]

A Beginner’s Guide to TThe X-Factor: it’s a sadist’s being ‘Cool’ at Imperial wet dream AAnonymousnonymous Hangman Editor If you’re too cool to be ‘reading’, here’s a hint... it’s not that hard hen I tell people at Im- I love to watch people fail and that’s AnonymousAnonymous Hangman Editor Tip 4: (FOR THE GIRLS) Avoid guys Then tell them that you love drinking perial that I watch the what makes reality TV so enjoyable. that talk to their manhood. and that you’re always the life and soul X factor, they contort Whilst the neanderthal majority of of the party and that no-one gets as their faces in disgust the X factor’s viewers clap and drool Tired of being a loser? Here are some Tip 5: (FOR THE GUYS) Join the rug- drunk as you. If they still don’t believe Wand then ‘tut’ condescendingly. I over the pretty flashing lights and top tips for de-geeking yourself and by team - the epitome of ‘coolness’. If you, bring a breath-a-liser or blood- sometimes think they’d look less hor- Cheryl Cole’s breasts, I lick the tears ‘bringing on the cool!’ catching a ball and running into peo- testing kit. They NEED to know that rified if I told them that I thought that of misery right off Rachel’s stupid ple is your ideal sport, then rugby is for you’re drunk. holocaust didn’t happen (Great ice- face as she gets told, for a second Tip 1: NEVER use the phrase ‘bringing you! Girls simply love loud obnoxious breaker by the way). week running, that no-one likes her. on the cool!’ oafs with a narrow vocabulary of ‘tits’ Tip 10: If you’re watching a film in You have to remember that most We’re all bastards really. We take and ‘beer’. your common room, or just with a Imperial students sit on top of the great pleasure in other’s misfor- Tip 2: SKIP LECTURES. Nothing group of friends, alert them when a class pyramid and shout to the com- tunes. It’s blissful schadenfreude. shouts ‘cool’ louder than outright lazi- Tip 6: (FOR THE GIRLS) Don’t join funny bit is coming up. It’s your job to moners below, “Dance for me plebians We’ve been told, since the day that ness. Make sure your absense is noted the rugby team tell them that it’s funny and prepare and sniff my organic shit! That smell we learnt to point and laugh, that by everyone. This may involve turning them for the gag. They’ll really appre- is descended from lords. LORDS!” we should stop staring and keep our up to the end of the lecture and shout- Tip 7: Start Smoking. Anything det- ciate this because they probably would There is a strict criteria for middle- thoughts to ourselves.If staring was ing, ‘SORRY I’M LATE. I WAS BUSY rimental to your health is ‘cool’. This have missed it otherwise. class television viewing; if Jeremy socially acceptable then we’d all be NOT GIVING A SHIT ABOUT THIS includes running into walls and AIDS. Paxman or Stephen Fry aren’t on the much happier. No-one likes to force COURSE!’ Then walk straight back out Tip 11: Maintain a collection of skin- credits then it’s working-class. Con- themselves to turn their eyes away Tip 8: Try to subtly divert conversation tight attire, preferably in a selection sidering the fact that Simon Cowell from the limbless pillow-of-a-man as Tip 3: (FOR THE GUYS) Don’t moan towards your Daddy’s annual income. of matt colours. Combine this with is neither Jeremy Paxman, or Stephen he tries to get his wheelchair through about the male-to-female ratio. This Example: “So what sort of music are carrying your protein shake in one of Fry, we can conclude that the X-factor the doors of HMV with nothing but does not bother you! You actually came you into?” “Oh right, yeah, he earns those ultra-cool shakers! Remember to is nothing more than brain-numbing, his chin, but we’ve been conditioned to Imperial for a challenge. You’re tired two and a half million a year” stretch those calves... blue-collar garbage. to accept freakshows in the street as of scoring so much pussy and your dick Well, you know what? Fuck you! commonplace. needs a holiday. Then look and your Tip 9: On a night out, people love to Tip 12: When reading felix, skip Behind the garish and contrived ap- Well thank God for the X-factor! manhood and say, ‘not much of a holi- know if you’re drunk, so make sure straight to ‘Hangman’, read the first ar- parel is a dark and sinister feast that The show that’s let us laugh at our re- day is it boy?’ you tell them every fucking minute! ticle and never pick up felix again. feeds sadistic twats like myself. jects of society since 2004.

11 reasons why we hate the football team Chumps vs Geeks: A night in with 1. Mustapher BotchwaBotchwayy the girlfriend 2. PPetereter New Round 1 3. Thomas Fryatt 8:05 - Shit! She’s here, clear internet “So chump, late for history and throw bedroom mess into 4. DaDavidvid HaHayesyes the wardrobe. lectures,lectures, eh? Feeling 5. PPatrickatrick McMullan 8:10 - Let her in, think of excuse for tired,tired, eh? DidnDidn’t’t get why you took so long, “Uh I was 66.. Dionigi Benincasa taking a dump” NO! Not that!!! to bed earlyearly,, eh? 77.. SaSamuelmuel Rickards 8:12 - Explain that you WOULD TTalkingalking in lecturlectures,es, cook but that you just feel like pizza 88.. AlexandrAlexandree de FigueirFigueiredoedo tonight. eh? DidnDidn’t’t do the 99.. Matthieu VVallinallin 8:13 - Use girlfriend’s debit card to prproblemoblem sheet, EH? pay for pizza 1010.. WilliaWilliamm Swain (nice website brbro)o) Not papayingying attention, 8:30 - “Oh yeh that’s really 11. Leslie Eshun interesting”, THANK GOD, the EH? DON’DON’TT pizza’s here. UNDERSTUNDERSTANDAND A 8:42 - Head upstairs, quickly use your finger to clean your teeth. FUCKING THING, 8:44 - Go through the motions... I EH?!?!?! HATE foreplay, it’s just gunk really. See yyouou on the 8:55 - YES, penetration! WOOO! union.ic.ac.uk/acc/football blogospherblogospheree CHUMP” 8:55:20 - FAIL. Go downstairs, grab Oh no! Chump got OWNED!!! kitchen knife and kill yourself. Damn mail strike, my stab vest doesn’t come till Tuesday - Hangman Ed 38 felix FRIDAY 23 OCTOBER 2009 COFFEE Coffee BrBreakeak Editor Charlie Murdoch BREAK [email protected]

Bloody Union Stuff Imperial students like: Fun Police 4. felix: CharlieChar Murdoch Coffee Break Editor Lets not beat about the bush, we all solely used for the purpose of beer love this humble newspaper. Not removal. They say that it’s the news only does it offer great journalism sections that provide the best beer can’t believe how suddenly I rial knows this; why else is there such (award winning at that), it is also soakage to area ratio. have turned into an old bastard. a huge (over 300) range of clubs and free. It’s known throughout most Moving away from beer, and into This is my final year at Imperial societies? In fact, Imperial has the big- of the scientific world as the best a more factual world, this paper has I College, and looking back I have gest number of clubs and societies of material for soaking up beer which produced multiple student jour- to say I’ve had a lot of fun. From any university. Why else is there a free has been spilt on the table on a Fri- nalists of the year, and we do all of being found handcuffed, smashed off gym? Why else is the Union continu- day evening. You do not know this, this for you- and what do we get in my nut at 4am in Tesco trying to buy ally improving its facilities? but we actually print 15, 000 cop- return? Zero. Not even a small hug an iceberg lettuce, to befriending some I balance my time between working ies each week, of which 5000 are and a kiss. I am very sad. of the best people possible, I’ve prob- on my degree (which always comes You gotta bloody love it! ably done it all. Yet seeing this year’s first), dealing with the ACC, playing intake of solely 90s births makes me hockey and then extreme laddish be- feel a bit over the hill- and I’m only 21. haviour- something that DPFS Jenny However at the same time it is amaz- Wilson is not impressed with. I think ing to see so many freshers getting in- that private study and my social life volved this year. Observing the hockey sees a 50:50 split in time. Over the club, the group of boys and girls is the summer I work for a race team, if you best since I was a fresher! have 2 hours to change a steering rack, WE STILL NEED A I’m sure that all you freshers have you take 2 hours. If you’ve only 30 min- been told this so many times before, utes, you bolt the fucker on in 30 and but I shall re-iterate. At Imperial you don’t bother to shine the spanner. It’s have to work your balls off, or vaginal the same with work. If you have a day passage if you are of the female variety. to write your essay, you procrastinate PUZZLES GURU!! As a result you are going to have to let for half of it, if you only have half the off some steam, i.e. distract yourself time, you knuckle down and bash it to forget about that project deadline out. The end result is the same. or the shite mark in last week’s test. Basically freshers, what I am trying Without this distraction, I can assure to say is don’t let work get in the way of COME TO FELIX, BEIT WEST WING you that in no time you will burn out, having a great time, but don’t neglect turn in to a nervous wreck and people work. Balance your time. Remember will avoid you. I certainly will. Impe- you are only a student once.

Washington Irving: “There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love.” Quote of the Week

FUCWIT Graphic Dingbats These are the best. Even if I may say so myself. Last week’s winner was Jane O’Rook, who correctly identified Iggy Pop- The Passenger and Bruce League Table Springsteen- Dancing in the Dark. Well done. TTeams:eams: 1 Harry Potter Trio 19 Points Places which Ben E King wishes one to rest The Tough Brets 9 Points I Hate Medic scum 5 Points Individuals:Individuals: By me Bethan Matthews 24 Points Not by me Matthew Colvin 13 Points Herens Tibaut 12 Points

The Felix University/College-Wide Invitational Tournament League is new and improved. There are now 2 prizes for both the winning team and the winning individual. Tracy Chapman: this is your life Basically, you get points for doing all the various puzzles and challenges, and at the end of the year, the winning team and the winning individual will win an iPod nano! The scoring is as follows: Sing 5 points for the first correct answers for Slitherlink, Wordoku, London Underground, Mentalist Maze, Triple jump Dingats and Quickie. 4 points for second, 3 points for third, 2 points for fourth and 1 point for fifth. Dou- ble points will be awarded for correct cryptic crossword answers, because it’s über hard. Footballer Simple! Now then FUCWITs, send in your answers to [email protected]. Go! A high performance car Prime Minister felix FRIDAY 23 OCTOBER 2009 39 [email protected] COFFEE BREAK Slitherlink 1,441 Mentalist Maze Solution 1440 1 2 1 2 2 2232 1 2 2232 1 3 1 13 2 1 222 3 1 3 1 2 3 2 3 2 2 2 021 2 22 2 2 2 3 2 3 122 2 3 2 312 2 2 3 2 3 2 2 2 2 3 3 2 3 2 2

0212 22 WE STILL NEED PEOPLE TO SET THESE PUZZLES OUT. THERE WILL NOT BE ONE NEXT WEEK. 222 2 3 3 PLEASE HELP US!!! 3 2 How to play: It’s quite simple, all numbers are in a cell and must be surrounded with a 312 2 2 corresponding number of lines. Lines cannot split and there can only be one continuous line. Any cells with no 2 3 3 2 3 2 2 numbers can have any number of lines. Look at the solution above for help. Wordoku 1,440 Going underground se Scribble box So, all the Arsenal was the correct sta- Each lettert inh the alphabete is assigned a E M B L R tion for last week. Personally I thinka value,te 1-26 (see table) and when added it a bit of a dump, but meah.c rEache to together for a specific word the sum B K I their own. This week’sto is a little closer equals the total shown. Alla youn havet to too home.n Welle done to Ian Fulton who do is scans andt send w the Underground K M mewas the biggest fan last week. Remem- station ju that is hidden each week to su- As promised, lasts week’so was a ber to get those answers in quick., [email protected] Solution 1439 topicale answer,d and can be seen an e A B C D E FcG H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z L E C B nto the left. I am not feeling spe- ou e 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 S O .T RWWeA F E N Bneedcial again, so can’t someone be arsedn to kdo y to create! these the full solution. Get over it. This ! L C ouA R N T P E S F U thi ou y issue’s I can assure you is child- y ds E P F O S N A T S ou B A N K m yish. Big well done to Dave Jones. R eeU L C R F E S T A O PIWf fro = 28 2+1+14+11=28. Job done. n k. r2 1 14 11 x O T S eN E P R A A a eli e Wordoku is identical toh Sudoku;e ffelixC needsM you. wN A P F R O T S N o ch we’ve just treplaced numbers So which London tube station sums to 71? a P S R E N T F O K d s e ewithe letters. Complete the puzzle I lLeU T N O A F ReP EnE and then send the whole grid to zz ______F E A wP O S N R R ppuzzlesu each eweek.d If [email protected] think you can,= 71or just want E C RolLv You will not get credit for just the inv word alone. It’s not an anagram. toto ggetet involved we need to hear from you!!

ffelixelix LLoveovesstrucktruck “Hot, Miserable girl in my Japanese about that lunch?” “You were carrying a lab rat class. Cheer the fuck up. It’ll go in Randy ‘n’ Ravenous through Biochem on Wednesday. easier if you smile.” I’m pretty animal too. Carry me to 07726 799 424 Japanese boy “You, using Gilson pippettes in the your laboratory and do experiments SAF on Thursday lunchtime. I saw of me. MEOW.” “Dear beauty i saw working at the you through the windows to your Lab Rat Seen that special union, and in physics. If you blow my lab. It’s not so precise, but I’ll let you trumpet i’ll beat your love drum.” touch my P200.” “We need to share our love over person? Maybe Alaric SAF Monkey chicken and bacon baguettes. I see the one? Want to you eat them every day. Your second “Me: gym obsessed physicist. You: girl “I always sit near you in lectures. I choice is always BLT. Mine too. Can see them again? i never called back after 1 night stand. find your exotic features captivat- I be your third? Round 2 of the gun show?” ing. I know I must be popular as i’ve I had one today Fames Jairley been year rep 2 years running, but i’m Text LLoveovestruckstruck afraid to admit my feelings as I fear “Darling, you bring the anal beads, to get a free union “Dear hungry honey. I saw your ad rejection. Please let me know if you I’ll bring the plastic sheets. I’m wait- and i knew it was you. What a plan feel the same.” ing for you. lunch together! we had, what a glorious plan. How X, 2nd year Physicist Rubbing my beads 40 felix FRIDAY 23 OCTOBER 2009 COFFEE BREAK [email protected] A quickie (crossword) 1,441

1 1 2 2 3 3 4 4 5 5 6 6 7 ACROSS

7 8 7 Crown around the sun - Mexican 6 What do you call a camel with 3 Solution 1440 beer (6) humps? (8) P N L G G G M L R U S S U 8 Distance from origin (6) 12 Doubtful (8) B E A U T I F U L G A M E 9 10 9 Help the ____ (4) 14 What do you call a man without B R R N E B K N M A N A M 10 Taped ear (anag.) (4,4) a spade in his head? (7) D O G G Y B A G B N O S E 9 10 11 A gaggle of Messiah-betrayers (7) 16 Dirty (6) B A C H Y O U S A D U H D 13 Former Russian monarchists (5) 18 Wolf-like (6) S C R O T U M A M A T H S Y H D E L S M T A G N I M 11 12 15 What do you call a man with a 19 ‘’ ‘’ - Big, crap, wobbly pink spade in his head? (5) Pokemon (5) M O U T H N F A T C A T S 17 Strikes (ball) in mid-air (7) 22 Bathroom mineral powder (4)17 F R T O A S E L M H N E T 11 12 13 20 Lurking in a forlorn, pathetic Pertaining to singing groups (6) E A R S R P U L L O V E R B L O S Y I O Y I R I Y R sort-of-way (8) 18 Intentional malice (5) S E V E N T H H E A V E N 13 14 14 16 17 21 What do you call a man dug from 21 One’s “peepers” (4) P S T R N H E O T L Y S E the ground? (4) 23 Passe (3-3) 15 16 17 18 24 Layne, Rimmer, or Schwarzenegger (6) Well done to all out all out entrants Scribble box 17 20 19 21 22 last week. Answers are beginning to come in thick and fast, so make sure 20 21 22 DOWN that you get your answer in as soon as you have it completed. So when 1 What do you call a man with a you are all done and dusted answers 24 25 spade in his head? (4) should be sent into sudoku.felix@im- 2 What do you call a deer with no perial.ac.uk. Remember that the win- 23 24 eyes? (2,4) ner of FUCWIT at the end of the year 3 What do you find at the ends of win iPods. 26 armies? (7) 4 Foam (5) 5 Loves (6) Crossword by Peter Logg

Torro-scopes! Horoscopes, now with 30% more bull Guaranteed to make you vomit or your money back! (Only applies to people of Native American descent)

Aquarius Taurus Leo Scorpio

Gratz fresher, you Today you will smoke This week, you’ll get Wow mate, those finally popped your your first spliff. You so fucking hammered clothes are the height of cherry this week, well naughty naughty at a posh do, you end fashion: shapeless jeans, you think you did  fresher, don’t you  up pulling your sister.  a baggy striped hoody  anyway. Why is there know that marajuana Why your sister is and where the fuck did blood in your shit? is illegal? Well now there, you have no you get those shoes? I’ve Let’s take a look at this situation: You met her in you’ve broken the law you’re up for anything, idea. But suddenly she reminds you of your mum, seen better footwear on a tramp! Please keep your a club down in old Soho, her name is Lola, she I suggest heroin. It’s a very traditional drug, and then your dad, and oh look, you’ve got a hard- oversized rucksack out of my face whilst tramping has an 8 inch penis shoved up your arse. Don’t enjoyed by Victorians in fact, there’s just one on. At least your children will be normal. Not. around campus with your face in your feet. I hate pretend you’re not enjoying it, wipe those tears small side effect - it’s a little bit addictive. No She’s quite fit but she’s still your sister. Sort them your haircut too, did your mummy do it? With a away and ask for a fucking reach around. worse than smoking then, go for it mate! out before Monday, I’m telling you now. bowl? in fact, I just hate you.

Pisces Gemini Virgo Sagittarius

After your first sexual One for the girls: Your I’m telling you, get I hate your clothes too, encounter, you feel test just turned blue. some help. Still haven’t? did Topman throw up rather perky. Bounc- Its your own stupid Well, I’ll tell you what on you? I see you strut ing down the road fault, have you never happens if you don’t. around in your skinny  you take a shortcut  heard of moderation? You end up taking her jeans and printed through a graveyard. Just because this is the back to your parents’ t-shirts with album Oh you randy twat, wanking is just not good first time you’ve ever got any cock doesn’t mean house, and well, you’re both definitely going inside. covers on. You like Joy Division? So do I mate enough for you anymore is it? Yes, grab that you have to shag every horny spotty freak here. The only decision is now; which bedroom? You but I don’t feel the need to thrust that fact in shovel, dig up a nice fresh corpse and skull fuck Now I don’t want your fucked up offspring add- choose your room, because your sister’s a frigid everyone’s face. I want to pull that stupid fringe it til the maggots are turned to mash. She was ing to this already overcrowded planet so watch bitch and doesn’t keep condoms. Not frigid after off your perfectly styled hair and shove your someone’s granny you twisted cunt. out, I’m coming for you with a coat hanger... tonight. More like a fridge. She’s fat. Fat as. winklepickers where the sun don’t shine.

Aries Cancer Libra Capricorn

Everyone knows that So you joined the Well, your kids A batch of rather angry Caligula liked his rugby team last would be mutated, horoscopes this week sisters a bit too much, week. Have you been then mutilated. I’m dont ‘cha think? Hey, I but did you know he enjoying smashing sure some fucker can’t help how the stars asked his physcian to  poon? If that means would catch wind of read! Maybe I shouldn’t cut a vagina in below virtually getting raped your brother-sister have got the astrology his balls? Now where did the kitchen scissors go, a every time you’re in a ruck then I’m happy for parenthood thing, and just take a jackhammer chart from 4chan.com. If you don’t know what couple of good thrusts should do it. It’s not work- you. Let’s be honest, drinking a pint of vomit to your children. So don’t have them in the first 4chan is then I recommend not going there. How- ing but you’re loving the blood and pain, oh fuck and stripping off at every available moment is place, would my advice. Mate, go put your dick ever if you have enjoyed reading these then it’s well it, you can’t have both at the same anyway. Cut probably not your idea of fun but at least your ‘in’ into something else. Even if its a a piece of fruit. worth a visit. Afterwards, we can sit in a corner and your dick off and ram it up behind. Lovely. with the lads. Maybe you can have watermelon babies. brood about how much we hate everyone. Pint? felix FRIDAY 23 OCTOBER 2009 41 [email protected] COFFEE BREAK Aunty McPickle, your very own agony aunt, is very happy to answer any questions. But not yours.

Dear Aunty Mc Pickle, It sounds like your experimenting is paying off, but just be careful you don’t I wanted to know what your thoughts go too far. I once heard a story about a are about the way I masturbate. poor guy, having sex for the first time What I like to do with my foreskin and his foreskin exploded! This unfor- is inflate it. If you don’t know what tunate accident just goes to show that I mean by inflate, the foreskin can the foreskin is no toy! Also be wary of be filled with air or liquid, making infections, as nasties can get trapped it stretch and become a small bal- in there. Oh and I really wouldn’t tell loon. The way that best satisfies me any prospective girlfriends about your is when I use any source of a high tinkering, it might seem a little strange. pressure jet of water. Yours, Aunty McPickle xxx What I sometimes do is place my foreskin in front of a pool jet, which causes it to quickly balloon Dear Aunty McPickle, Hi Will, my control. I seem to be unable to Dear Sandy, and become very full and arousing. have intercourse, without letting Sometimes I think I might make it I am a fresher and am spending the Okay, so I think you should invest in out ear-piercing, glass shattering Oh dear... a queef is caused by air that explode. I sometimes use air com- year in Wilson House. One night some cleaning products and make your queefs. There are certain positions is forced up into the vagina through pressors too, but they can be dan- last week, after a particularly heavy way to the stain in the dead of night. It that seem to cause me to queef more hard and rigorous thrusting. gerous if the air leaks up the urethra. night, I decided to have a shower to has to be removable and if not, maybe loudly than others. And it was very The last way is with a shower head, keep myself fresh. However to my you should just accept it. I’m sure your shocking the first time I did it. They The position that tends to cause opti- the jet of water is strong enough to great dismay I accidently mistook an neighbours will become accustomed to keep coming out, and even while he mum queefing is the missionary posi- tightly pack the foreskin with water, innocent fart for something far more it soon and it can serve as a friendly re- is going down on me IN HIS FACE! tion, so maybe try to avoid this. Also if then I let the stream hit the bloated sinister. I realised my error by the minder of a night out. Also be careful to He has been good about them, as the vagina is really wet, it can produce foreskin, it feels awfully great. audible sound of it crashing to the not blurt the story out in the Union, as he laughs, but it dispels the mood. more queefs so try to cut down on lube. ground. Since then, I have tried to this kind of thing spreads like wild fire. It just becomes comical, and I don’t Is this normal and more importantly block out this humiliating memory feel sexy anymore. But I get really Also maybe you could put on some re- is this healthy? but am reminded by a conspicuous Aunty Mc Pickle xxx embarrassed, because they are really ally loud music in an attempt to mask brown stain. It’s ridiculously stub- loud, sound amazingly like farts, and the sounds. An adventurous Andy, born and is now being noticed by my are totally uncontrollable. Some- neighbours. What should I do? Dear Aunty Mc Pickle, times we just ignore them. Is there Hope this helps. any solution? Dear Andy, Will Meldred I need to confess a bodily function, Aunty McPickle which appears to be totally out of Sandy xxx RAG climbs the Queen’s Tower

ow, I can’t wait to grad- feedback we got from the LOST event, 1. You get put on a bus, blindfolded. uate! No, not because we’ll be extending the sign-ups for an ex- 2. You get driven to a mystery location. W I want to leave Impe- tra week! That means that if you didn’t 3. You make your way back to the Un- rial behind, but rather get a chance to sign-up this week, don’t ion, without spending ANY money. because Commemoration Day looks worry, there’s still time. We will however There’s really not much more to it! mental. This year, RAG manned the only have a restricted number of places The teams will be groups of either two cloakrooms on top of giving our tra- on the bus (which will be the biggest one or three, with at least one guy in each ditional Queen’s Tower tours. It was a we can book), so make sure to meet us at team. All this is happening on Satur- wonderful day, and what I found im- the JCR, 13:00-14:00 anytime next week day, 28th November, which happens to mense was how many freshers came to (26th-30th October). coincide with a massive Union night, money, the person or team wearingq the you drop by the JCR at lunchtime next help out! A big thank you to everyone For anyone who has no idea what I’m during which everyone can share their wackiest costume, as well as the team week, and if you feel like getting LOST who took time off to help! talking about, LOST is RAG’s first major adventures. that takes the craziest mode of transpor- for our chosen charity Barnardos is On another point, I bear good news, event of the year. It can be summed up Did I mention that there are prizes? tation will get some great rewards. something you’d be up for, swing by with everyone! Due to the immensely positive quite nicely: No? Well the person who raises the most Anyway to find out more, make sure your team. 42 felix FRIDAY 23 OCTOBER 2009 SPORT [email protected]

Riding and Polo at Polo Nationals Conversely it felt like the Novices were getting even more physical and fast in their 7th-8th playoff against Continued From Back Page metres from their goal mouth and Oxford Brookes. After a series of ride- awarding us the option of a spot hit or offs, hooks and big defensive shots breathed a sigh of relief when the air a 30 yard penalty. We took the spot hit though a slight miscommunication put horn went with the score still nil-nil. without hesitation and calmly put the Rosie in an impossible 2 on 1 in front The tension was not over though as, in ball between the posts with just a slight of the goal mouth and despite covering need of a result, we went to a tiebreak- jitter of nerves as it went worryingly off one of the opponents she was un- er, a race to get the ball from one end of close to the near post. able to do anything to stop the easy tap the pitch to the other between the two With a satisfying 2-0 win under our in that put Oxford Brookes 1-0 up. Play teams. With the crowd in full voice the belts, and the Beginners having a good continued from the centre and finally two teams set off, level pegging down result too, we were all looking for- we looked to be starting to hold our the whole pitch, finally though Impe- wards to our last Saturday matches. own, one big hit and we looked to be in rial’s consistent hitting began to show But perhaps we shouldn’t have been with a break that might turn the tide, working well supporting one another so eager. Despite playing visibly their but the air horn ironically chose that as a team and managing to acceler- best polo of the tournament so far, the moment to sound and play finished to ate away from Cambridge in the sec- beginners weren’t able to hang onto St the anguished cries of Imperial sup- ond half of the pitch to take a narrow Andrews and in one of the most physi- porters from the sidelines, wanting to victory. cal matches we’ve ever played the Nov- see the result of the final play. Not to be outdone, the Novices got ices lost out 1-0 to Nottingham as well. With only one win a piece and the set up for their first chukka of the day; The good play in both matches left us hunt for a goal in the beginners coming another grudge match against the Roy- with plenty of positives though and we up short for the Beginners it wasn’t the al Veterinary College. This time round headed for the Saturday night party in result we had wanted, but we all went myself, Rosie and Trish knew we were high spirits. The girls made good use home happy, if rather tired and sun- against opponents we could dominate of the chocolate fountain and the guys burnt and in some cases really rather in the chukka and we used every inch (rather wisely) avoided partaking in Imperial College Riding and Polo Club doing what they do best in Bury sick of sleeping in tents. We’d shown of advantage we could. Muscling our the pole dancing lessons that were be- a lot of improvement since last year way towards the goal line we scored ing given to drunken organisers. and were now holding our own against our first, trickling the ball over the line Fortunately this year we didn’t have the tournament. The Beginners were more flowing than their initial scrappy some of the tougher teams in the com- in a rather uninspiring mêlée of sticks to be up at 9am on Sunday and so up first; the fight for 11th and 12th chukkas, but again the hunt for a goal petition and there are high hopes that and ponies’ legs. A few frustrated fouls those of us that were feeling slightly place against Royal Holloway. Again proved fruitless and a slightly disap- this year, with some fresh blood and from RVC crept in culminating in one the worse for wear had plenty of time they played some of their best polo pointing 0-0 draw and narrow loss on some familiar faces, we might go even player getting sucked in to a high hook to recover before their final chukkas of of the tournament, both teams far the tiebreaker. further.

FIXTURES & RESULTS in association with Sports Partnership

SaturdayS d 17thh OOctober Fencing Women’s 1st 2 Saturday 24th October Football Football (ULU) Men’s 3rd 133 University of Portsmouth 1st 2 Football (ULU) BUCS Cup Imperial College Men’s 1st 3 University of Essex 1st 103 Men’s 1s ULU vs RoyalHolloway 2s Men’s 1st vs Imperial College Medicals 2nd Imperial College 2nd 1 Women’s 2nd 0 Men’s 2s vs St Barts 1s Men’s 2nd vs University of Essex 6th Women’s 2nd 125 Brunel University West London 3rd 3 Men’s 3s vs King’s College 1s ULU Men’s 3rd 0 University of Portsmouth 1st 118 Men’s 4s vs LSE 4s Men’s 4s vs UCL 5s King’s College Medicals 2nd 3 Lacrosse Men’s 6s vs LSE 7s Men’s 5s vs Royal Holloway 4s Football Women’s 1st 29 Men’s 7s vs St Barts 4s Men’s 6s vs St Barts 3s Men’s 4th 6 Men’s 1st 0 University of Kent 1st 0 King’s College Medicals 3rd 3 St Mary’s University College 3rd 3 Golf Netball Sunday 25th October Men’s 1st vs University of Surrey 1st Men’s 5th 1 Men’s 2nd 2 Women’s 1st 16 Volleyball St Barts 2nd 2 Canterbury Christ Church Uni. 2nd 1 Queen Mary 1st 24 Men’s 1st vs University of Sussex 1st Hockey Men’s 1st vs UCL 1st Men’s 1st vs University of Portsmouth 1st Men’s 6th 0 Men’s 3rd 0 Women’s 2nd 59 Men’s 1st vs University of Reading 1st BUCS Cup Queen Mary 5th 1 University of East London 1st 5 Buckinghamshire New Uni. 2nd 14 Women’s 1st vs University of Essex 1st Men’s 2nd vs Kingston University 1st Women’s 1st vs University of Reading 1st Men’s 3rd vs University of Portsmouth 2nd Men’s 7th 3 Women’s 1st 0 Rugby Women’s 1st vs UCL 1st Men’s 4th vs UCL 2nd School of Slavonic & East European Studies 1st 1 Royal Holloway 1st 7 Men’s 1st 43 Women’s 1st vs King’s College 2nd St Mary’s University College 2nd 7 Women’s 2nd vs Canterbury Christ Church Uni. 1st ULU Monday 26th October Sunday 18th October Men’s 4s 4 Men’s 2nd 10 Netball (ULU) Lacrosse Badminton (ULU) Royal Holloway 4s 1 University of Essex 1st 15 Women’s 2s vs St Barts 2s Men’s 1st vs University of Brighton 1st Mixed 1st 7 Women’s 3s vs St George’s Hospital Medical School 3s Royal Holloway Mixed 1st 2 Men’s 5s 1 Squash Netball King’s College 4s 6 Men’s 2nd 3 Squash (ULU) BUCS Cup University of Sussex 1st 2 Imperial College Men’s 1s vs Imperial College 2s Women’s 1st vs St Barts 3rd Monday 19th October Men’s 6s 1 Men’s 3s vs RoyalHolloway 1s Women’s 2nd vs University of Portsmouth 3rd Netball (ULU) King’s College London 5s 1 Women’s 1st 4 Women’s 2nd 37 University of Reading 1st 0 Rugby UCL 4th 13 Men’s 7s 4 Wednesday 28th October Men’s 1st vs Imperial College Medicals 1st Heythrop College 1s 2 Table Tennis Badminton BUCS Cup Men’s 1st 15 Men’s 1st vs University of Hertfordshire 1st Men’s 3rd vs University of Portsmouth 2nd Wednesday 21st October Hockey London School of Economics 1st 2 Women’s 1st vs University of Hertfordshire 1st Badminton Men’s 2nd 0 Squash Men’s 1st 5 UCL 2nd 2 Tennis Basketball Women’s 1st vs University of Sussex 1st University of Portsmouth 1st 3 Men’s 1st 7 Women’s 1st vs Middlesex University 1st Men’s 2nd vs King’s College 1st Men’s 3rd 2 King’s College London 1st 3 Basketball Royal Veterinary College 1st 1 Fencing Table Tennis Men’s 1st 74 Men’s 2nd 4 Men’s 1st vs University of Bristol 1st Men’s 1st vs Middlesex University 1st University of Westminster 1st 47 Men’s 4th 0 University of Greenwich Men’s 1st 6 Women’s 1st vs University of Cambridge 1st University of Portsmouth 5th 0 Women’s 2nd vs University of London 1st Tennis Women’s 1st 1 Men’s 1st vs LSE 1st University of Portsmouth Women’s 1st 9 Women’s 1st vs UCL 1st felix FRIDAY 23 OCTOBER 2009 43 [email protected] SPORT ICURFC begin Men return to form by conquering London season in style Rebecca Smith & Tennis Pio Monti James Petit Rugby Yes, you heard correct, the men of IC Imperial Men’s 1st XV 2 tennis are back in form and they dem- Oxford Greyhounds 1st XV 0 onstrated it on Wednesday against King’s College, winning 7-3. The ea- ger 1st team travelled to Burgess Park, I.C.U.R.F.C. 1st XV played Bucking- seeking to get back on track after los- hamshire New University in their first ing their first match of the season. league fixture of the season. Bucks The afternoon began with two very have been old rivals to the college and competitive doubles matches, with the have had a cemented position in the result split between the two teams. league for many years. The hard work Imperial’s Franco-Argentinean duo, the players put into pre-season shone comprising of Pio Monti and Pierre through as Imperial quickly laid down Delestrade, took on King’s number one a 10 point lead. Things soon settled doubles pair; who were equally multi- down with the Imperial side dominat- cultured, with a typical lean, powerful, ing possession. This inevitably resulted British boy accompanied by a touchy in more points for the away team. With and wise Mauritian veteran. the score board ticking over Imperial The Imperial scientists started had a 17-0 lead by half time. strongly, hitting clean, laminar shots, The second half proved to be less of a which earned them an early break. challenge. The home team were exhaust- However, with the Imperial boys get- ed, making it easy to control the game ting frustrated with the classy touch and pile on the pressure. Strong defence of the Mauritian, the Kings pair came produced several turn over tries, which back fiercely. The match was tight un- again strengthened Imperial’s grip on til 6-6, when King’s crucially broke the the game. Special mention goes to Hugh Imperial serve. Dingleberry for his amazing defence and The hammering British boy then the impact he had on every try scored. produced what was probably the best The final score was a 41-0 away win, a service game of his life, powering aces, good platform to build from for league and although the game was brought to President Bush didn’t just bare all in the felixSport interview last week success. deuce, the King’s lads were able to con- Tries: Carroll (3), Chalke, Johnstone, clude on their solid performance and Harris, Godfrey won 8-6. the match 6-2 6-0. Avinash played 2nd ponent around the court and showing shower and some rest before hitting Conversions: Godfrey (3) Avinash Murphy and Adam Gu- singles, against arguably the strongest initiative. It took him little time to cash the union like the party animals you Imperial Squad: C. O’Rourke, A. nasekara represented Imperial in the player of the Kings squad. A combina- in a 6-0 6-0 victory. Pierre played the know they are! Johnstone, A. Tenison-collins, C. Es- 2nd doubles match. The duo played tion of wet conditions and a quality op- 4th singles where he made good use of The Men’s 2nd Team and the Wo- berger, E. Labinski, T. Zeal, J. Pettit solidly, holding their serve to win the ponent resulted in Avinash losing his his baseline game to dominate rallies mens team did not fare so well. The (Capt), C. Cotter, F. Chalke, G. Lane, J. match 8-5. match. Fresher Adam played only his and finish well at the net, to take the men lost 4-6 to the Greenwich 1st Harris, T. Carroll, D. Godfrey, J. New- With the doubles completed, the sin- second match of the season in the 3rd match 6-3 6-1. team and the women lost 1-9 to ton, M. Joachim, M. Franklin, J. Frank- gles began. Team captain Pio comfort- singles. Adam controlled the match After a day of satisfying tennis, the Portsmouth 1st. Better luck next lin, A. Traynor, H. Jarman, L. Barnett, ably won the 1st singles, quickly taking from the beginning, moving his op- team headed home for a well earned week! Hugh Dingleberry.

Imperial Men’s 1st XV 2 Oxford Greyhounds 1st XV 0 ICBC at Pair’s

Wednesday 21st October saw Imperial College put on an impressive display Head of the against one of the country’s top univer- sity Rugby Clubs. St Mary’s University River 2009 College Men’s 2nd XV are a team that feed their own 1st XV (frequent win- ners of the BUCS Cup) and Harlequins Christina Duffy Rowing Rugby Club. The Rugby boys were able to mount a staggering 43-7 victory of their lo- Imperial College Boat Club had six cal London rivals in the BUCS league. boats finishing in the Top 50 at the A combination of strong defence and Pair’s Head of the River Race last well worked attack meant that Impe- weekend. rial seemed to be able to score from The 4 kilometre race takes place on almost any situation. Once again spe- the Thames tideway downstream from cial mention goes to super-sub Hugh Chiswick to Hammersmith Bridge on Dingleberry for his all-round efforts. the ebb Tide. He congratulated the players saying First year Biochemistry student Si- that “no one deserved to be singled mon Steele and third year Mechani- out from today’s efforts. However, the cal Engineering student Adam Seward try scorers and man of the match also were the fastest College boat on the played well.” day finishing second in the IM2.2x cat- Next week Imperial College face Im- egory and 9th overall. perial Medicals, who are both the only In the elite pair’s event Master’s stu- undefeated teams in the league. dents Adam Freeman-Pask and Ole Tries: T. Carroll (6), C. Cotter Tietz finished 3rd and 28th overall Conversions: D. Godfrey (4) respectively. Squad: C. O’Rourke, A. Johnstone, [Other results: Henry Goodier/Leo A. Tenison-collins, C. Esberger, E. Lab- Carrington 2nd in IM3.2x (17th over- inski, T. Zeal, J. Pettit (C), C. Cotter, F. all), Alex Gillies/Jamie Kirkwood 13th Chalke, G. Lane, J. Harris, T. Carroll, in IM1.2x, (20th overall), Danny Bel- A. Foley, J. Newton, D. Godfrey, M. lion/Will Todd 10th in IM2.2x (45th PICTURE COURTESY OF NICK ABLITT Franklin, J. Macdonald, A. Traynor , M. overall), Richard Winchester/Andy Joachim, H. Jarman, Hugh Dingleberry Gordon 4th in IM3.2x (46th overall)] Simon Steele and Adam Seward were the fastest IC boat on the day 23

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High resolution photos only . felixSport 09 Polo in the Park Alex Savell Riding and Polo and promptly got lost. However, we did manage to pick up the last of our players; a very ill Megan who’d shown By mid June last term, anticipation for impressive commitment to drive up Riding and Polo’s second trip to the from Wales with a pretty violent seem- Summer University Polo Nationals ing case of ‘Lamb Flu’. Still, it was a had been building for some time. Our good thing she made it when she did teams were picked, our entries were in as the Beginners were up for their first and everything appeared to be worry- chukka at 9am. ingly organised. The Beginners didn’t seem quite able Still, after a year or so of polo com- to get their heads fully into the game petitions we were getting used to the, and Nottingham appeared to have not so very, organised chaos of the a narrow advantage throughout the nationals. We’d ended up with one of match and, despite some good breaks the toughest draws in the division; up and runs from Imperial, Notts did fi- against ULU’s team, one of the two fa- nally manage to eek their way over our vourites to win the tournament, and line to a narrow 1-0 victory. Cambridge were on paper the severe underdogs. in their traditional blue shirts cantered Determinedly though we cantered up to the centre line to oppose us and a onto the pitch ready to give everything scrappy chukka ensued from the word to turn the tables and claim a strong go. result, but from the first throw in it Neither team seemed able to gain was obvious that we were outgunned the advantage and we watched on and our thoughts quickly turned to with baited breath when each break defence. ULU made break after break, was met with solid defence and swift and our initial plans disintegrated into changes of possession. Each time one a frantic but dogged rearguard, taking team seemed to get away and head for every opportunity to spoil ULU’s re- goal the other managed to get a stick lentless attack. However, their strong- down to hook an opponents or put est player (who went on to win the enough pressure on to cause some oth- most valuable player award) turned er mistake. When you play, the six and and got away from us several times a half minute matches seem to last so resulting in a respectable 2-0 defeat much longer, but this was the first time against a team that went on to loose on I remember watching time slow down a tiebreaker in the final. so much from the sideline and we all Spirits undiminished we decided to head out for dinner at a local pub, Continued on Page 42

result. Cool start The second half started strongly with IC beginning to show their supe- rior quality to Brunel. Brilliant passing from Dion Benincasa and good team- for 1st XI work from Nathan Ferrol and Leslie Eshun helped in overcoming the score- line to go 2-1 up. However, as pandem- Mustapher Botchway Sports Editor ic in most university football teams, the pressure got the team and with 7 minutes to go the Brunel left winger ICUAFC’s 1st XI have begun their cut inside his opponent and unleashed season positive but cautious. After a a great finish to equalise. The game hard fought victory against the 2nd XI ended 2-2. both in a friendly and the ULU Premier St Mary’ University 3rd XI were the League, the team were looking to make second opponents. Though good foot- a strong start in BUCS. Brunel 4th XI ball was played by IC, the lack of at- were the first opponents (14 October). tacking prowess rarely troubled the St A strong footballing university, Mary’s defence. The pacey winger of Brunel showed their ability to control St Mary’s had this spark and created a the play with excellent awareness and goal as well as scoring a wonderful solo good passing. Going one-nil down at effort in the second half. half time, Dave ‘Robbo’ Robinson, a IC’s first team are hoping to return Queen’s Park Rangers coach who also to winning ways and start the game of coaches the 1st and 2nd XI captain, strongly in the next week with the next delivered a resounding team talk along two games against their biggest exter- with captain Mustapher Botchway to nal and internal rivals: Royal Holloway give the gentlemen the belief to get a and Imperial Medicals.