“The Opposition” Writer Submission

DESK PIECE

{***JORDAN***} WELCOME TO THE SHOW! [OTS: CADUCEUS] HEALTHCARE IS IN THE NEWS AGAIN – PLAYING YO-YO WITH MY HEART, LITERALLY. [FF: NEW YORK TIMES HEADLINE: SENATE BRACES FOR A HEALTHCARE SHOWDOWN ON A STILL UNCLEAR PLAN] {VO} AS OF MONDAY NIGHT, THE SENATE WAS STILL UNCLEAR ON WHAT THEY WERE ACTUALLY VOTING FOR MUCH LIKE THOSE WHO TEXT VOTED FOR AMERICAN IDOL. [VT-SOT: GLORIA BORGER (CNN, 7/24): “REPUBLICANS ARE SCRATCHING THEIR HEADS. THEY DON’T KNOW WHAT THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO BE VOTING ON, AS M.J. WAS SAYING. IS IT A REPEAL? REPEAL AND REPLACE? SOME KIND OF ALTERNATIVE?”] REPUBLICANS WERE AS CONFUSED AS THE DEMENTIA PATIENTS WHO CAN’T AFFORD THEIR MEDS, WHICH WAS ALMOST A REALITY THANKS TO WISCONSIN SENATOR RON JOHNSON. [OTS: RON JOHNSON] OR MR. LIMPET AS HIS BUDDIES CALL HIM. [OTS SPLIT SCREEN: DON KNOTTS’ MR. LIMPET] THAT JOKES SO OLD ONLY THE GOP GETS IT. JOHNSON PUT IN THE FINAL VOTE AFTER MCCAIN WHO UPON RETURNING FROM A CANCER DIAGNOSIS AND SURGERY, WAS HERALDED AS THE AMERICAN HERO HE REALLY IS. KILLING ABROAD AND KILLING DOMESTICALLY. [VT-SOT: GLORIA BORGER (CNN, 7/19): THIS IS A MAN WHO SURVIVED THE FIRE ON THE FOREST, SHOT OUT OF A PLANE, WAS TORTURED FIVE YEARS IN A POW CAMP, MELANOMA, TWO PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGNS.”] EVEN MCCONNELL HELD THE VOTE FOR HIM KNOWING HE’D GIVE A GOOD SOUND BITE. WHEN PRESSED ABOUT HIS TURNAROUND DECISION, JOHNSON SAID THIS: [FF: POLITICO QUOTE, 7/25: “’IT WASN’T REALLY A MATTER OF PREVAILING; I JUST WANTED HIM TO UNDERSTAND I WANTED TO PROCEED TO BE A POSITIVE INFLUENCE ON THE PROCESS,’ JOHNSON SAID OF HIS CONVERSATION WITH MCCONNELL. HE LAUGHED HEARTILY WHEN ASKED WHETHER HE SERIOUSLY CONSIDERED VOTING NO: ‘SURE… YOU’VE GOT A BINARY CHOICE.’” WE UNDERSTAND, JOHNSON. MITCH MCCONNELL LOOKS LIKE A GUY WHO MIGHT SNAP AT YOUR FINGERS. [OTS: MITCH MCCONNELL] AND THROWBACK THURSDAY EDITION. [OTS: FRANKLIN FROM FRANKLIN & FRIENDS] SENATE MAJORITY LEADER, MITCH MCCONNELL, HAS BEEN PUSHING FOR THIS VOTE SINCE HE EVOLVED TO WALK ON LAND. HE’S BEEN FACING OPPOSITION FROM THE LIBERAL LOUDMOUTHS AS WELL AS THOSE IN HIS OWN PARTY. HOLDING OUT LIKE A CATHOLIC SCHOOL GIRL AT A FRAT PARTY, [OTS: PHOTOSHOP NAUGHTY SCHOOL GIRL WITH MCCONNELL’S FACE] OBAMACARE IS QUICKLY BECOMING A SITUATION OF SPLITTING THE BABY AS THE GOP FIGHTS TO PULL THE PLUG. REPUBLICANS WORRY THOUGH THAT THE PRESIDENT DOESN’T FULLY HAVE THEIR BACKS. [VT-SOT: GLORIA BORGER (CNN, 7/24): “THEY ARE BEING ASKED TO VOTE FOR A BILL THAT THE POLLS SHOW HAS ABOUT 17 PERCENT POPULARITY IN THE COUNTRY. THAT’S A HEAVY LIFT. THEY UNDERSTAND ALL THE REPERCUSSIONS AND THE FACT THEY ALL CAMPAIGNED ON REPEAL AND REPLACE. DON’T FORGET, THIS IS A PRESIDENT WHO CALLED THE HOUSE BILL ‘MEAN’, AT ONE POINT.”] WELL, I THINK THAT’S JUST MEAN, GLORIA BORGER. OF COURSE THE PRESIDENT SUPPORTS HIS PARTY ALLEGIANCES. [OTS: REPUBLICAN ELEPHANT] NO, NOT THAT PARTY. [OTS: RUSSIAN HAMMER AND SICKLE] TRUMP SHOULDN’T HAVE TO BE RESONSIBLE FOR HIS PARTY’S INDECISION. YES, THE PARTY IS STUCK BETWEEN CAMPAIGN PROMISES AND UNPOPULAR POLLS, BUT WHO NEEDS THAT? [VT-SOT: WOLF BLITZER (CNN, 7/18): PRESIDENT TRUMP SAYS REPUBLICANS WILL LET OBAMACARE FAIL WITH NO ACKNOWLEDGEMENT OF HOW MANY MILLIONS OF AMERICANS MAY BE HURT, INSISTING – AND I’M QUOTING HIM NOW – ‘I’M NOT GOING TO OWN IT’.”] TRUMP RAN ON A PLATFORM TO MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN, AND THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT HE’S DOING, ACTING LIKE MOST AMERICANS AND SHIFTING THE RESPONSIBILITY TO SOMEONE ELSE. BUT ULTIMATELY, THIS IS ALL A PART OF A LARGER PLAN HE HAS TO RETURN AMERICA TO ITS ROOTS. [OTS: BURGERS, THE CONSTITUTION AND SLAVERY] YES, AMERICA MAY BE KNOWN FOR OUR FAST FOOD, FREEDOM OF SPEECH, AND RAMPANT RACISM, BUT BEFORE AMERICA WAS ALL THAT, AMERICA WAS A CESSPOOL FOR DISEASE. [OTS: PHILADELPHIA YELLOW FEVER EPIDEMIC ILLUSTRATION] FROM SMALLPOX TO CHOLERA, AMERICA USED TO HAVE IT ALL, BUT WITH MORE ACCESSIBLE HEALTHCARE, DOCTORS, AND VACCINES, THE GREATNESS OF AMERICA HAS BEEN DIMINISHED BY GREEN JUICES AND BODILY CLEANSES. WE CAN’T WEED OUT THE WEAK ONES ANYMORE. [VT-SOT: JAKE TAPPER (CNN, 7/24): “MOMENTS AGO, WE HEARD DIRECTLY FROM PRESIDENT TRUMP, WHO MET WITH PEOPLE HE CALLS VICTIMS OF OBAMACARE.” (BEGIN VIDEO CLIP) DONALD TRUMP, PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES: “THE FIRST RULE OF MEDICINE IS DO NO HARM. BUT OBAMACARE’S LIES HAVE CAUSED THIS, AND THROUGHOUT THE WHOLE COUNTRY, FAMILIES LIKE THIS, NOTHING BUT PAIN.”] BY REPEALING HEALTHCARE, IT’S GOING TO TRULY CHANGE THIS COUNTRY. WITHOUT ACCESS TO PRIME HEALTHCARE OR EVEN BASIC HEALTHCARE, OUR FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS WILL QUICKLY BECOME THIRD WORLD PROBLEMS, FORCING US ALL TO BECOME STRONGER, MENTALLY AND IMMUNOLOGICALLY. [OTS: ANTI-VAXXER PROPAGANDA] THE ANTI-VAXXERS WILL FINALLY BE ABLE TO ROAM IN THE WILD, SPREADING THEIR MESSAGE LIKE DISEASED JEHOVAH’S WITNESSES. FROM THERE, TRUMP CAN EITHER LET THE WEAK DIE OUT LIKE DARWIN ALWAYS WANTED, OR TURN AMERICA INTO WHAT IT WAS ALWAYS MEANT TO BE: A SURVIVALIST NATION. HE’S ALREADY BEGUN RECRUITING THE YOUTH. [VT-SOT: TRUMP (BOY SCOUTS OF AMERICA JAMBOREE, 7/24): “AS THE SCOUT LAW SAYS: ‘A SCOUT IS TRUSTWORTHY, LOYAL’ – WE COULD USE SOME MORE LOYALTY, I WILL TELL YOU THAT.”] REMINDS ME OF THE RALLIES MY GRANDPA USED TO TELL ME ABOUT WHEN HE CAME OVER FROM GERMANY. BUT DONALD’S RIGHT, OBAMA NEVER CARED ABOUT SURVIVING AS A COUNTRY, ONLY THRIVING. WE HAVE TO BE CUTTHROAT. WE HAVE TO LIVE LIFE ON THE EDGE. WE HAVE TO BE LOYAL TO THE CAUSE EVEN IF THAT MEANS DEPRIVING EVERYONE EXCEPT THE 1% OF HEALTHCARE TO MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN, SO BE IT. [OTS: SURVIVALIST] IT’S NOT ABOUT THE BADGES, TO HELL WITH THE BADGES. IT’S ABOUT SURVIVAL, ABOUT LOYALTY, ABOUT RETURNING TO THE DAYS OF WHOOPING COUGH AND RUBELLA, ABOUT NARROWING DOWN TO THE BEST GENETICS OUT THERE OR DIE TRYING. I CAN’T WAIT TO SEE WHAT THE JAMBOREES WILL LOOK LIKE AFTER FOUR MORE YEARS OF TRUMPCARE. [VT: B-ROLL OF HITLER YOUTH RECOVERING WITH INJURIES DURING WWII] THE U.S. IS CHOKING ON HEALTHCARE REFORM LIKE IT’S A TONGUE DEPRESSOR. DONALD’S SECRET PLAN TO MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN AKA KILL OFF HALF OF THE U.S. SEEMS TOO BIG TO FAIL.

CORRESPONDENT CHAT Reddit User 365: Our correspondent is a tech genius. They got into the tech boom at an early age, but as they got older, they grew more concerned over invasion of privacy. They continue to believe that they’re being monitored, and, while they are a correspondent, their identity is kept a secret.

(***JORDAN***) WHILE TECHNOLOGY AND SOCIAL MEDIA HAVE BEEN A BENEFIT TO SOME, OTHERS BELIEVE IT’S JUST A STEPPING STONE TO AN INVASION OF PRIVACY. A WISCONSIN TECH COMPANY ANNOUNCED IT’S GOING TO USE IMPLANTED MICROCHIPS FOR THEIR EMPLOYEES. [TAKE: “THE TECH BUG” DOUBLEBOX: JORDAN, REDDIT USER 365] (***JORDAN***) /// WITH THEIR TAKE ON THE STORY, WE GO TO ANONYMOUS HACKER CORRESPONDENT, REDDIT USER 365.

[TAKE: REDDIT USER 365 IN AN UNDISCLOSED SERVER ROOM] [TAKE: MOZ2: LIVE, WISCONSIN] [TAKE: MOZ2: REDDIT USER 365, ANONYMOUS TECH CORRESPONDENT] (***REDDIT USER 365***) JORDAN.

(***JORDAN***) REDDIT USER 365, WHERE ARE YOU RIGHT NOW?

(***REDDIT USER 365***) I CAN’T GIVE AWAY MY EXACT LOCATION WITHOUT SACRIFICING MY WHOLE OPERATION.

(***JORDAN***) OKAY, WELL WHAT CAN YOU TELL US ABOUT THIS NEW TECH?

(***REDDIT USER 365***) IT’S REALLY SOMETHING OUT OF BLACK MIRROR, JORDAN. THREE SQUARE MARKET, A TECH OFFICE HERE IN WISCONSIN, OFFERS TO IMPLANT MICROCHIPS IN THEIR EMPLOYEES HANDS TO ALLOW THEM ACCESS TO THE BUILDING AND THE CAFETERIA.

(***JORDAN***) THAT SEEMS PRETTY COOL. AND IT’S NOT MANDATORY SO NO ONE’S BEING FORCED.

(***REDDIT USER 365***) IT’S CALLED PEER PRESSURE, JORDAN. EVER HEAR OF IT? THEY SAY IT’S NOT MANDATORY, BUT 50 OUT OF 80 EMPLOYEES SIGN UP FOR THIS BIG BROTHER CRAP? SOMEBODY’S GOTTA BE USING INTIMIDATION TACTICS.

(***JORDAN***) BUT WHAT’S THE HARM IN PUTTING A SMALL MICROCHIP IN YOUR BODY? YOUR JOB ALREADY OVERSEES EVERY OTHER PART OF YOUR LIFE. WHY NOT BODY MODIFICATION?

(***REDDIT USER 365***) DO YOU REALLY THINK THREE SQUARE MARKET HAS THIS TECH ON THEIR OWN? IN WISCONSIN? HELL NO. THEY JOINED FORCES WITH A SWEDISH COMPANY BIOHAX INTERNATIONAL. AND WE KNOW THERE’S ALWAYS SOMETHING FISHY WITH THE SWEDES.

(***JORDAN***) BUT THE CHIPS HAVE TO BE ENCRYPTED, RIGHT?

(***REDDIT USER 365***) SURE, LIKE HOW WINDOWS VISTA IS ENCRYPTED. OR HOW THE GUARDS WERE SUPPOSED TO PROTECT THE ROMANOVS. IT COULD EASILY BE HACKED BY ANY THIRTEEN YEAR OLD WITH AN INTERNET CONNECTION.

(***JORDAN***) SO AN OUTSIDER COULD TRACK THESE KINDS OF THINGS. THE COMINGS AND GOINGS OF THE OFFICE.

(***REDDIT USER 365***) THEY CAN DO MORE THAN THAT. THEY COULD USE THE TECH TO CALCULATE HOW MANY SMOKE BREAKS YOU TAKE, HOW LONG YOUR LUNCH IS, WHAT TIME OF DAY YOU MASTURBATE IN THE BATHROOM. IT’S UNAMERICAN NOT TO BE ABLE TO WANK WHEREVER.

(***JORDAN***) I AGREE WHOLE-HEARTEDLY, BUT IT CAN’T BE NEARLY AS BAD AS A CELLPHONE.

(***REDDIT USER 365***) OH, IT DOESN’T EVEN COME CLOSE. CELL PHONES ARE GONNA GIVE ALL OF US CRONENBERG TUMORS. THAT’S WHY I ALWAYS PUT MY CELL PHONE IN THE CORNER OF THE ROOM ON SPEAKER AND SHOUT FROM THE OPPOSITE CORNER. THAT THING’S PRACTICALLY RADIOACTIVE.

(***JORDAN***) THE CHIPS ARE FDA-APPROVED AND REMOVABLE THOUGH.

(***REDDIT USER 365***) JORDAN, JORDAN, JORDAN, DIDN’T THOSE PHONE SEX LINES TEACH YOU TO ALWAYS READ THE FINE PRINT? YEAH, THEY MIGHT’VE APPROVED IT BACK IN 2004, BUT RFIDS HAVE BEEN KNOWN TO CAUSE INFECTIONS AND EVEN MIGRATE THROUGHOUT THE BODY. IMAGINE, JORDAN, THEY’D HAVE TO SCAN YOUR SCROTUM SO YOU CAN GET YOUR PAYCHECK. YOU REALLY WANT TO LIVE WITH THAT? AS SCROTUM GUY?

(***JORDAN***) OH, GOD NO. I GUESS YOU’RE RIGHT. IMPLANTED MICROCHIPS ARE MORE FRIGHTENING THAN FUTURISTIC.

(***REDDIT USER 365***) SEE? NOW IF EVERYONE ERASED THEIR DIGITAL FINGERPRINTS, AND WE BURNED DOWN THE SOCIAL SECURITY RECORDS BUILDING, WE COULD REALLY JUMPSTART AMERICA. VIVA LA REVOLUTION!

[TAKE: REDDIT USER 365 IS FOUND OUT BY TWO SECURITY OFFICERS]

(***OFFICER ONE***) HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET IN HERE?

(***OFFICER TWO***) IS HE TAPPING INTO THE MICROCHIP SERVERS?

(***REDDIT USER 365***) YOU’LL NEVER CATCH ME ALIVE!

[TAKE: REDDIT USER 365 IS PLOWS PAST THEM AS THEY GO AFTER]

(***JORDAN***) THAT’S REDDIT USER 365’S TAKE ON THAT NEW “TECH BUG”.

SEGMENT PITCHES

2 Steps Forward, One Step Back: While in normal news media, this would promote the left agenda, Jordan’s version of this segment would promote the right’s undoing of the left’s agenda. -Iran has stated they’ll take action if the U.S. imposes sanctions on their people who are involved in the ballistic missile program. Two steps forward for American freedom and leadership, one step back for testing the patience of the man who handles the missiles. -Rex Tillerson took off this week, sparking rumors of his imminent exit from the Trump staff. Two steps forward for a little “me” time, one step back for having to be a world power with a demanding job. Trump’s ensuring time off from that responsibility.

King of the World: Looking at the current environmental issues, and Trumps refusal to admit that he’s steering the titanic into a “melting” iceberg. He only sees himself as King of the World, like Jack Dawson from Titanic, and we promote his worldview. -The House Science Committee Chair says climate change is a good thing, looking at the positives like lusher greenery, warmer weather, and now everyone gets a pool in their backyard. -Conservative lawmakers in Washington have taken it upon themselves to revamp the Environmental Species Act, the law that protects endangered species. The Fish and Wildlife Services are told to consider the economic impacts before protecting a species. Because if it costs us to protect the American Eagle, I’ve got a new idea for Thanksgiving this year.

What Ya Gonna Do When They Come For You: Digging into the most recent racial bias incident or police screw up, but from the point of view that we should crack down even farther on this “kind of crime.” -The fatal shooting of Justine Damond has sparked debate since she was a white woman shot by a black officer. Some feel not enough is being done for her case, while others feel she’s getting special treatment. Yeah, of course, she is. She’s a white woman in America. We’re still punishing OJ for killing one. -Back in April, a bill was introduced to let ICE agents off the hook for police garb. They’re able to wear whatever they want, and ultimately don’t have to identify themselves as police officers. This way we can send them over the border for proactive immigration control.