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Issue #14, June/July 2003 Fuckin’ Awesome, Stupid Ass www.razorcake.com and PO Box 42129, Los Angeles, CA 90042 Table of Contents ***** The Rhythm Chicken .................... The Dinghole Reports ................... pg. 4 Art ....................................... ‘Lil Beez’s Fun Page ........................... pg. 7 Maddy ..................................... Shiftless When Idle. ................................. pg. 8 Ayn Imperato ........................................ 94103 ............................ pg. 10 Money ............................................... Lazy Mick ............................................ pg. 12 Rev. Nørb ........................................... Love, Nørb ............................ pg. 16 Nardwuar The Human Serviette ............. Who Are You? ........................ pg. 24 Gary Hornberger .......................... Squeeze My Horn .......................... pg. 30 Designated Dale ............................... I’m Against It ..........................pg. 32 Felizon Vidad ............................... Shark Bait .......................... pg. 36 Sean Carswell ...................... A Monkey to Ride the Dog ...................... pg. 40 Ben Weasel ................................ That Iron String ......................... pg. 44 ***** The Orphans ..................... Interview by Namella J. Kim ..................... pg. 46 Broken Bottles ......... Interview by Todd Taylor and Sean Carswell ......... pg. 50 Broken Bottles Tiger-Beat Style Centerfold .. by Dan Monick........... pg. 52 Avail ................. Interview by Sean Carswell ............................ pg. 58 The Stitches............. Interview by Todd Taylor .............................. pg. 64 The Assasination of MLK ............ Article by Joe Beil .................................. pg. 70 ***** Record Reviews .........Catchier Than a Venereal Disease in Baltimore ............. pg. 80 Zine Reviews ................... Shitting in a Frat Boy’s Jeep ................... pg. 98 Book Reviews ............... Fatter Than Butcher’s Dogs ............................. pg. 102 Video Reviews .................... The One Foot Stomp ......................... pg. 104 Razorcake is bi-monthly. Issues are $3.00 ppd. in the US. Yearly subscriptions (six issues) are $15.00 bulk rate or $21.00 first class mail. Plus you get some free shit. These prices are only valid for people who live in the US and are not in prison. Issues and subs are more for everyone else (because we have to pay more in postage). Write us and we’ll give you a price. Prisoners may receive free single issues of Razorcake solely via Left Bank Books, 92 Pike St., Seattle, WA 98101, who have a book-for-prisoners program. Want to distribute Razorcake in the United States? The minimum order is five issues. You have to prepay. For $7.50, you’ll receive five copies of the same issue, sent to you when we do our mailout to all of our distros, big and small. Email <[email protected]> for all the details. Wisconsinism is ordering a pitcher of Pabst just before closing time and having the bartender empty the Slim Jim jar on the backbar to fill it with your Pabst so you can take it home in your car! The Dinghole Reports and we still haven’t the slightest idea what your front yard during halftime! Wisconsinism is By the Rhythm Chicken Wisconsinism is. –Dr. S.] shoveling the snow out of your driveway in May! (Commentary by Francis Funyuns) Wisconsinism is waking up everywhere but on [Edited by Dr. Sicnarf] Ah, Sicnarf. Sometimes you can’t see the forest your bed! Wisconsinism is your band playing a when you’re standing in the trees. Soon after show in Cincinnati and stealing a 300-pound (Hey kids! It’s me, Francis Funyuns! For those of moving to Poland, I became aware of an enor- cement coin and bringing it back to Wisconsin you new to this ball of literary crotch-rot, I’ll clue mous lacking in my surroundings. It wasn’t just because it seemed like a really good idea! you in. The Rhythm Chicken and his Hen moved the lack of Pabst Blue Ribbon, quality dairy prod- Wisconsinism is Washington Island having some to Krakow, Poland on New Year’s Eve for rea- ucts, and Packer merchandise as far as the eye 680 year-round residents and only twelve last sons unknown. What a nut! Meanwhile, I still can see. It was difficult to pin down, but some- names! Wisconsinism is Ruckus Thomas being live in Milwaukee and Dr. Sicnarf still lives in thing was definitely missing. I have named it his OWN 3rd cousin! Wisconsinism is Vern Door County, four hours north of here. Every two Wisconsinism, and its definition is a constantly Nussbaum, Freddy K, Ned…. months, he comes down here to brewtown so we growing collage of tales and legends. What is can huddle around the ham radio and put in our Wisconsinism, you ask? Wisconsinism is order- (Okay, okay, we get it! Mr. Chicken, you’re liv- two cents worth with the Chicken for these ing a pitcher of Pabst just before closing time and ing in Poland and you’re telling US about Dinghole Reports. The Email channel has been having the bartender empty the Slim Jim jar on Wisconsin! Tell us more about Poland, will ya? - exhausted since the Chicken realized that his the backbar to fill it with your Pabst so you can F.F.) Polish internet server was run by the Atari 2600. take it home in your car! Wisconsinism is order- Anyway, please won’t you crack open a Pabst ing Pabst by the pitcher with no glasses or mugs! [Indeed, Rhythm Chicken. I am WELL AWARE and join us! –F.F.) Wisconsinism is twenty-below-zero temps with of Wisconsinism. My throbbing hangover is a blinding blizzard conditions not keeping you constant reminder, compliments of Ruckus —Dr. Sicnarf enters with two deeply bloodshot from doing ANYTHING! Wisconsinism is the Thomas and JJ’s. –Dr. S.] eyes, holding a Polish/English dictionary— ice-fishing shanty with NO HOLE! Wisconsinism is the two-story ice-fishing shanty! Hey! It’s good to hear that he’s back to work! I’m [Good morning, Funyuns. Please excuse my slow Wisconsinism is the colony of ice-fishing sure that the Wisconsin Tavern League is work- reaction time today. Ruckus Thomas kept me at shanties on the frozen bay just off Dykesville ing double time to keep their profit margins up in JJ’s La Puerta till closing time this morning having more plowed roads than Dykesville! my absence. So far, I’ve only witnessed three telling me about his visit with the Chicken in Wisconsinism is having a small town named signs from Wisconsin here in Poland. Last night, Krakow. Dave and JJ kept our Blatz mugs full as Dykesville! Wisconsinism is getting kicked out my Hen and I went to see David Lynch’s The we kept them empty. –Dr. S.] of a Sturgeon Bay bar, so you steal everyone’s Straight Story at a local movie house. At the end snowmobiling gloves on the way out! of the movie Alvin Straight rides his lawn mower (Oh yeah? What did Ruckus Thomas have to say Wisconsinism is bar hopping with a backpack over the Mississippi into Mt. Zion, WI and walks about his time with the Chicken? –F.F.) full of Pabst on your snowmobile! Wisconsinism into a rural tavern. Above the door inside hung a is a rural tavern having more snowmobiles sign that read “PACKER COUNTRY.” It made [Well, it sounds like it was a big blur of Zywiec parked in the lot than cars! Wisconsinism is find- us quite homesick. How can you NOT like the and pierogi with a little Budapest, Slovakia, and ing your car keys in your belly button! one David Lynch film that is also a Disney film Germany thrown in. –Dr. S.] Wisconsinism is hearing Blatz 40-ouncer empties and rated G? Next, while waiting in the rolling around in your trunk! Wisconsinism is Auschwitz train station, I was window shopping —The ham radio starts lighting up as a Polish getting kicked out of a Stevens Point bar so you at a junk-merchant kiosk, surveying the goods: clucking comes through the airwaves— and your buddies decide to steal an entire bolted- “Hoop” soft drink, Kodak film, Orbit gum, plas- down table, ripping it out of the floor, simply tic water pistols, bad Polish porn, ice cream bars, Hello? Czesc? Chicken to Funyuns and Sicnarf, walking out the door with it, and parading the ill- Snickers, perfume, Polish Newsweek, deodorant, Hello? gotten booty around Stevens Point in a drunken toilet paper, eggs, Pabst key chains, towels, salt frenzy! Wisconsinism is the Packers winning the and pepper shakers,… wait, wait, WAIT! BACK [(Chicken!!! You’re still alive!!! –Dr. S. & F.F.)] Super Bowl! Wisconsinism is peeing on your UP!… There they were, two zlotys apiece… roommate’s bedroom floor while waving to him PABST KEY CHAINS!!! In the Auschwitz train Yes, yes, I’m still scratchin’. Ruckus Thomas in bed saying that you “got no choice”! station in Oswiecim, Poland! I asked the kiosk recently brought us a coffee percolator, a case of Wisconsinism is beer and bratwurst for breakfast! lady in Polish if she knew what Pabst was. She Pabst, some Mac & Cheese, and Pop Tarts, so Wisconsinism is booyah! Wisconsinism is meat said “nie” so I told her it’s the best beer in we’re clucking happier these days. Thomas and and cheese with everything! Wisconsinism is America. She said, “Jest cudownie. Prosze dwa the Chez weren’t in Poland for five hours before deep-frying fucking globs of cheese! YES, DEEP zlotys” (That’s wonderful. Two zlotys please). the Chez was stealing beer glasses from our FRYING FUCKING GLOBS OF CHEESE!!! Two zlotys = 50 cents. I think I can swing that. neighborhood beer joint, and the Wisconsinism Deep fried cheese curds are a major component But, now my greatest Wisconsin find in Poland… campaign continues! WISCONSINISM! of Wisconsinism! Wisconsinism is driving for an I FOUND MARCO POGO! hour to find a rural tavern full of rednecks so you [Okay, Mr. Chicken. I was hoping you could shed can play the Village People on the jukebox and (Marco Pogo? I thought he lived in Madison, some light on this Wisconsinism of which you make your own dance floor where there is none! here in Wisconsin.
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