Issue #14, June/July 2003
Fuckin’ Awesome, Stupid Ass www.razorcake.com and PO Box 42129, Los Angeles, CA 90042 Table of Contents ***** The Rhythm Chicken ...... The Dinghole Reports ...... pg. 4 Art ...... ‘Lil Beez’s Fun Page ...... pg. 7 Maddy ...... Shiftless When Idle...... pg. 8 Ayn Imperato ...... 94103 ...... pg. 10 Money ...... Lazy Mick ...... pg. 12 Rev. Nørb ...... Love, Nørb ...... pg. 16 Nardwuar The Human Serviette ...... Who Are You? ...... pg. 24 Gary Hornberger ...... Squeeze My Horn ...... pg. 30 Designated Dale ...... I’m Against It ...... pg. 32 Felizon Vidad ...... Shark Bait ...... pg. 36 Sean Carswell ...... A Monkey to Ride the Dog ...... pg. 40 Ben Weasel ...... That Iron String ...... pg. 44 ***** The Orphans ...... Interview by Namella J. Kim ...... pg. 46 Broken Bottles ...... Interview by Todd Taylor and Sean Carswell ...... pg. 50 Broken Bottles Tiger-Beat Style Centerfold .. by Dan Monick...... pg. 52 Avail ...... Interview by Sean Carswell ...... pg. 58 The Stitches...... Interview by Todd Taylor ...... pg. 64 The Assasination of MLK ...... Article by Joe Beil ...... pg. 70 *****
Record Reviews ...... Catchier Than a Venereal Disease in Baltimore ...... pg. 80 Zine Reviews ...... Shitting in a Frat Boy’s Jeep ...... pg. 98 Book Reviews ...... Fatter Than Butcher’s Dogs ...... pg. 102 Video Reviews ...... The One Foot Stomp ...... pg. 104
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Shiftless When Idle Maddy
Coal mining, as you probably know, is even less fun than explaining what punk rock is to your relatives. Depressed, Poverty-Stricken, Stop the Jokes! Hold the Presses! August 24 when the men, wearing red bandan- Labor History It’s a (Very) Brief History of nas around their necks – earning them the nick- Spring Break 2003! Labor Conflict in Matewan! name “rednecks” – basically took over the Hey everybody! It’s spring break time! Par- For us labor history geeks, Matewan is quite region militarily. It was total chaos (uh, punk, tee! Woo! Yay! Alright! Beer, girls in bikinis, an important little town. In the 1920s, it was the dude!). The local police could not control thou- and tropical delights! Cancun, the Bahamas, center of a huge uprising of coal miners. Coal sands of miners who were hiding out in moun- Florida! MTV! MTV! MTV! mining, as you probably know, is even less fun tains, firing on officers, and refusing to work. Unlike most spring breaks spent looking at than explaining what punk rock is to your rela- After a few days, the miners attempted to my wallet and then looking at the ceiling of my tives. Lots of people who worked in coal mines conquer Blair Mountain, on the edge of Logan room, this time I actually went somewhere! died in their 30s and 40s – exhausted after work- County. As the strikers marched (shouting “On And, in the grand tradition of exciting, beer- ing six or seven days a week for most of their to Mingo!”) the federal government sent in the drenched spring breakers of these United States, lives. Matewan, in the middle of the West army to fight against them, and even dropped I went to… the Appalachian Mountains! Home Virginia coal fields, was at the center of the bombs! of small island paradises, piña colada flavored action. Of course, the miners could not match the girl drinks, and… oh, wait. Yes, my boyfriend In January of 1920, the newly elected military strength of the U.S. government, and by Aaron and I packed up his car with necessary President of the United Mine Workers of September 4, the march was over. Several strik- road trip supplies (cheese doodles, the Germs America, John L. Lewis, announced a big orga- ers and organizers were tried for treason against discography, and a change of underwear) and nizing campaign for the southern Appalachia the United States. Only one person was convict- went south… to the mountains! region. Since the town was so small and isolat- ed on the charge, and he promptly skipped bail. For me, the Appalachian Mountains rank up ed, it was easy to prevent union organizers from The government also charged 325 strikers with there with Lucky Charms, the Dillinger Four, traveling there. The coal operators hired the murder. Most were either acquitted or pardoned. and the collected works of Studs Terkel! Yes, I notorious Baldwin-Felts detective agency to The union was defeated; it did not gain signifi- love the Appalachian Mountains! There is not a police the town, spy on suspected dissidents, cant strength again until the 1930s. more attractive piece of America anywhere and disrupt any union organizing. Those who Maddy (with the possible exception of the area encom- joined the union were fired, harassed, and End of History! More Dumb Stories! passing Dr. Frank circa 1994)! Hills, winding kicked out of their company-owned homes. So, we traveled to Matewan, birthplace of one-lane roads, tiny valleys, huge skies! Unfortunately for the detectives, the Matewan the Second Civil War, to poke around and see There is also not a more impoverished and police chief was Sid Hatfield, a skinny former what could be seen! Since I had already been completely destitute area of America, as far as I coal miner and rather violent guy who com- there before, I directed Aaron to the railroad know. Burnt-out trailers, poor access to electric- pletely supported the unions and resented the tracks. Across from the tracks is a big brick ity and running water, no jobs, no public trans- disruption of the small community by the detec- building that still has bullet holes from the bat- portation, roads in horrible conditions, rivers tives. The Mayor of Matewan, C. Testerman, tle! And, if you press a button on the side of the drained and used as a dumping ground for also supported the union campaign and made building, you get to hear an (embarrassingly junked cars, the tops of hills being literally cut sure the union meetings were protected. loud) collection of oral histories about the battle. off in preparation for strip mining (one of the So, when thirteen detectives came to Punk rock! We put our fingers in the bullet holes few jobs left in many of these areas), and the Matewan on May 19, 1920 to evict striking coal and were stared at by two local teenagers, and general feeling that this is a place America has miners and their families from the company- then made our way out of town. forgotten. You always hear about ghettos and owned homes, the mayor and the police chief of We pulled into a gas station on the Kentucky urban poverty. When was the last time you saw Matewan decided to act. Right on the railroad side of town and asked the woman at the counter a photo of a West Virginian man living in his tracks, off of the main street, gunfire erupted (it if she happened to know where Sid Hatfield was car? Or a collapsed one-room home in is still disputed who fired first). Townspeople buried. “Nope,” she said, and gave us a brochure Kentucky, with clothes and broken furniture grabbed their guns and ran to the battle, firing as to help us out. The brochure didn’t have any spilling out onto the yard? they went. The whole battle only lasted only a information, but then, as we were leaving the So, if you really want to be shocked and few minutes. Seven detectives, two miners and parking lot, Aaron looked up the hill and said, awed (in a more appropriate sense of the Mayor Testerman were killed. “Hey, doesn’t that look like a cemetery?” phrase!) come to Appalachia. Now, onto the Sid Hatfield became a folk hero for miners Indeed, it was! And it was the eternal home of story! Warning: if you’re looking for some stu- all around the United States. He even ended up none other than Sid Hatfield himself, overlook- pid “gee, these people are such hicks!” stories, marrying the deceased mayor’s wife a few ing the gas station! Alright! go fuck yourself! Moving on! weeks later! On July 1, the miners went out on We walked around the tiny cemetery, staring Our first stop? Matewan, West Virginia. I strike. Over a year later, while Hatfield walked at the graves of dozens of Hatfields. But Sid’s am such a ridiculous creature of habit, that, not down the McDowell County courthouse steps in grave was the best! (Note: The next time some- only do I always go to the same restaurant and the nearby town of Welch, the Baldwin-Felts one tries to tell you that G.G. Allin is the most order the same thing, or only listen to the same detectives got their revenge by killing him. punk dude ever, point ‘em Sid Hatfield’s way!) Cleveland Bound Death Sentence record for The murder of Hatfield, the increasingly weeks, I also go to the same small town in violent anti-union tactics, and the horrific work- Pikeville Is Go! Appalachia. I think I am one of the few ing conditions resulted in the biggest armed After we left Matewan, it was on to Midwesterners who can say, “I have been to insurrection in the United States besides the Pikeville, Kentucky! Why? Who knows! Note: Matewan – twice!” To protest against allega- Civil War. About 10,000 striking miners formed If you travel to Appalachia, do not pay any tions of insanity, allow me to explain! an army and decided to march through Mingo attention to the different sizes and bolding of 8 and Logan Counties. The march began on city’s names on the map. West Virginia and Kentucky’s idea of a big city is roughly equiva- wall. “Do you know who that is?” he asked. lent to Dee Dee Ramone’s idea of a rap album. “That’s John L. Lewis. The greatest man who So, although Pikeville was in bold and large font ever lived, that’s who.” Come on! Does it get any on our map, it was still pretty small. We drove cooler than that? around, looking for a place to stay. The first few Bob told us about how his father had worked motels we found charged at least fifty-five bucks in the coal mines seven days a week, before the a night! For Pikeville? I don’t think so! So, we union won a contract. He showed us coal miner’s kept looking, until we came upon a small hotel in hats, tools and cars. the center of the “old downtown.” Upon inquir- After showing us around the buildings, he ing, we found out it was just $32 a night! Yes! took us into the coal mine itself. It hadn’t been in Punk rock! operation since the 1960s, so the entrance was We walked upstairs with a guy carrying a closed off by a series of fences. When we got to case of Budweiser. Alright! Clearly, this was a the last fence, well within the coal mine, Bob permanent residence for most of its occupants. said, “Well, I can’t really take you any farther. And then we saw the room. Or, rather, we Insurance reasons, you know.” We stood there smelled the room. I have never encountered a for a while, in the darkness, trying to peer off to stronger sense of air freshener in all my days on the side, where the tunnels began. “Aw what the this air-freshened planet! Whatever smell it was hell,” he finally said. “Come on, just don’t tell put there to mask – mildew, rotting food, decay- anyone.” And with that, we went further into the ing flesh – NOTHING could have been as bad! mine! It was really dark – the tunnels were no And of course, the sheets were covered in ciga- more than three feet high – and went back for rette holes and stains. But then the place miles into the earth. There we were, peering into redeemed itself when Aaron opened up a drawer a small hole where dozens of men had died (and and found eleven bucks! Alright! A $21 night in several bodies had not been recovered) and Pikeville! After walking around downtown (full where thousands of men had once spent most of of deserted buildings and absolutely no people their lives. And now it was empty. anywhere minus a few teenagers “whooping it Bob started sloshing around the mine. “You up”), we headed to Little Caeser’s for pizza, and want some coal?” he asked. “Sure!” we said. He to the liquor store (to spend our eleven bucks on grabbed a big chunk – the size of my head, and Maddy high quality vodka!). Note: When faced with a handed it to me. Then he went to get another one Maddy horrible smell, let’s say, the smell of an air fresh- – running around, trying not to fall amongst the ener, do NOT, I repeat DO NOT allow that pre- water and the coal rocks. I now own a chunk of existing smell to cross paths with the smell of Kentucky coal! After saying goodbye to Bob, we pizza. Oh, the horror! Oh, the nastiness! Oh, the drove around some more in Appalachia, and then unbelievably gross sticky sweet smell! Eeck! headed north for Pittsburgh, leaving the deserted coal mines of Appalachia for the deserted steel Harlan County, Here We Come! mills of Pittsburgh. Do I know how to have fun The next morning, we were up early and on on my spring break or what? Anyway, I got to our way to Harlan County, Kentucky, scene of touch bullet holes, hear people talk about battling many a violent labor struggle! While riding it out in the streets with labor spies, and got a around on tiny, winding mountain roads, we chunk of coal. Cancun, eat your heart out! came across one of the single greatest finds of –Maddy my young life. A tour of a coal mine – given by an old coal miner! I cannot possibly explain how P.S. Tight Pants #10 is out! Order it from cool this was! The tour guide, Bob, who was www.razorcake.com. I’m going to Russia and around seventy years old, called Aaron “son” and France from May to August, so if you don’t hear “boy,” gave us all a lot of hugs, and kept pulling back from me for weeks and weeks, that’s why. If Aaron aside to explain “something technical, you need to contact me (for cereal-shopping son, that I think you’ll be interested in.” advice or to find out how I can manage to con- When we were inside one of the outlying tinually write such stupid columns) you can buildings, he pointed to a framed photo on the email me at: [email protected]. 94103
Ayn Imperato Maybe that’s why all the little kids in my new neighborhood are fat little butterballs - they are eating Mickey Mouse shaped ice cream treats at 8:30 in the morning.
glass bottles into the back of its bed carved glass doorknobs. The bald uration – the floor in every room Far From It in a thunderous clatter every crazy woman in green jellies who seemed to be connected in some Thursday morning. The cool curved used to walk underneath our bed- way to the windowsills in the bed- It’s time to move. Again. It Victorian-style bay windows. The room window at like six in the room. Only the far reaches of the seems like that’s all I’ve done this way the heater would always crank morning. kitchen would not trigger the shim- year. First it was a move further on full blast in the middle of the day The smallness of the old place mying curtains, and there was only down into the Mission, after a when you least needed it, and created some troubling problems. a cold hard table there. It was priva- many-year stint near Market and would shut off cold in the early Our old apartment was so small, cy or comfort, and comfort won Valencia. It was hard to leave a morning before work, so in winter every time my boyfriend and I had most of the time. I think I’ll miss rent-controlled apartment in San you could nearly see your breath in sex the front curtains would start to those trembling curtains most of all. Francisco, especially one with an odd, bittersweet charm. We would This new place is different, and have to pay nearly double to live cool in its own way. There are kids anywhere else in the city. But after around here. Some of them set up a a while, you just give in. makeshift basketball hoop on a First it was the three-month- telephone pole, and after school a long construction in the building. bunch of chubby kids start shooting There’s only so much banging, wildly from the sidewalk, narrowly sawing, and drilling you can take missing the cars parked along side before you finally throw in your it. Other days they have water bal- rent-controlled towel. It’s the one loon fights, and nearly bean the legal thing a landlord can do here innocent people passing to buy a that you can’t protest. They’re quart of milk at the corner store. In allowed to make improvements to the morning, from the front room, the building after all and those you can hear the man with the things just take time and noise. Lots Michoacana ice cream cart roll by, and lots of time and noise. playing a little tinkling song. It’s Then it was the birds. I mean the nothing like the blaring circus pigeons building nests was sweet, Ayn Imperato songs we used to hear from the ice but these giant black crows took cream trucks in Jersey. It’s almost control of the building, perching on like a subliminal sound that only the wires outside. They glared in children can hear. I can’t imagine the windows at me, giving me the how many ice cream-on-a-sticks hairy eyeball. My neighbor told me and cones he will sell on a foggy that the crows were a sign of Tuesday morning, with all the little change, which just seemed to me all kids already in school. Maybe they the more reason to split. And when buy one while waiting for the the local coffee shop, Friends Café, school bus in the morning. Maybe got hi-jacked and cleaned out by that’s why all the little kids in my local crack addicts, I knew it was new neighborhood are fat little but- truly, finally, time. We boxed every- terballs – they are eating Mickey thing up and drove our packed pick- Mouse shaped ice cream treats at up truck past the boarded-up café to 8:30 in the morning. our new tiny, sparkling expensive- But things still move too fast in as-hell apartment. this town. The days sneak and slide I still think about the old place by sometimes like dirty little though. It’s strange the things you thieves, stealing time. Nights of miss. It’s the little weird things. The punk rock and drink and days of circa-‘70s brown, swirled bathroom working too much to survive in a linoleum. The tiny stained glass town that requires a lot. You gotta windows tucked into the closet and some rooms. The peeling, most shake and tremble. So every time slow down to even see it. bathroom. The sink that separated likely lead-based paint. The way we did it, our neighbors and every- It’s my new ritual in this new from the wall and hung precarious- the peeling, most likely lead-based one walking by knew what we were place – first thing in the morning, ly towards your nether regions paint began to bubble out on one up to in there. It didn’t matter what making the coffee, then sitting in every time you used the john. The wall, when the guy upstairs left his room we were in – it was some the brief silence of the morning on recycling truck that would pour the bathtub faucet on too long. The weird floorboard to window config- the couch in the front room, listen- 10 giant container of ing to that tinkling ice cream bell. strung like an electric necklace of The sun streams in unbelievably lights across the water, with its red bright, the coffee hot and potent. flashing cherry lights on top. The During these little moments, light-up “Yahoo” sign with one or everything is all right and you can two bulbs burnt out, a relic from see and hear a little bit of life. its internet boom-and-bust past. It’s like sitting in the eye of a The clock tower, the ships sailing storm. Outside of the living room, by, the headlights of cars moving the streets explode in war protest. across the city. But I realized it one Outside of the city the world day – I would never be able to see moves, fights, struggles, and dies San Francisco from this view in like chess pieces in a meaningless my own house, or possibly any struggle for economic control. decent view ever again. I’d never With all this going on I feel get ahead here, always looking at uneasy, angry, and more often, it from a distance. I would never powerless. Though as long as I be able to afford this town. It was have this little quiet space to go to, like a beautiful thing I couldn’t I still feel okay. I feel lucky to even touch. be able to feel peace in a big city in I knew then that I had to leave an even bigger world. Though I not only my old apartment, but the know much outside this room is whole town. I had to find a view of not and will never be okay, I’m a city that I could see up close, one still glad to have this couch in this that wouldn’t break me. I had little home. It makes me feel not so something of a home, but it was far from the world. starting to feel more like I was enduring, than experiencing it. I One night I drove up to Potrero think you have to find your place Hill where you can get the best, in the world to be happy. It might clear view of San Francisco. I not even be a place, but the never knew I could feel as much at process of constantly moving. peace as I do when I’m sitting up That place where you feel there in the dark. When I’m up inspired, yet comfortable. Just there looking at all the lights, I can home. It might take a lifetime to get perspective on my life and my find it but that’s what we have. city. I like to get a good look at where I live, in all its loud, glittery, –Ayn and polluted glory. The bridge LazyLazyLazy MickMickMick
I felt bad. I wanted Raquel to come back and touch my penis again. I thought it was something I could probably get used to without much difficulty.
The war in Iraq has caused me to reflect on from shipmate to shipmate that got embellished friends, but free drinks were free drinks. I my own experiences as a cog in the industrial with each retelling. agreed to go. military complex. When I was just a wee little No one loved Mexico more than Carter. We walked to the main exit and caught a mickie, I enlisted in the navy and was sent over- Everybody knew he had a thing for Mexican trolley to San Ysidro. We walked across the bor- seas where I did my patriotic duty in whore- whores, and whenever someone accompanied der and jumped in the first cab. I’d heard a lot houses and brothels all over the Western Pacific. Carter to TJ, they always came back with lurid about Tijuana, how poor the people were, how Here is the tale of my first visit to such an stories about the things they’d seen. Many a badly it smelled, but the only thing I could smell establishment. sailor’s knowledge of human sexuality was was Carter’s cologne. We got out, paid the dri- expanded by listening to these improbable tales ver, and stood before a door with a smoke- Ah, spring. When a young sailor’s fancy of debauchery, but I will always be grateful to streaked sign above it that read “Bedfellows.” A turns to thoughts of poontang. Carter for accompanying me on my first, unfor- greeter pinwheeled his arms to get us to come One of the paradoxes of the seaman experi- gettable trip south of the border. inside. ence is that while there is a great deal of “Here?” truth behind the stereotype of the philan- Carter nodded and the greeter ushered dering man-of-the-sea with a girl in every us into the bar. It was not at all what I port-of-call, in our home ports we are expected. There was no stage or dance regarded with the contempt typically floor, just drab tables and wobbly chairs reserved for mentally retarded sex offend- and some booths along the wall. It was a ers. San Diego was no exception. sad bar, maybe the saddest I’d ever seen. It didn’t matter that we were young, “Have you been here before?” virile and carried large sums of cash. “I can’t remember,” Carter said. “I Indeed, our youth worked against us. We think so.” couldn’t get into bars or buy the booze we Carter was a black guy from Alabama. needed to loosen our tongues and embold- He spoke in the clear, unaccented voice of en our courage. We tried to disguise our- a professional actor, and if I closed my eyes selves. We dressed in black at all-ages while he talked I’d never guess he was goth-rock clubs. We tried to blend in by black or from the south. Carter didn’t have associating with jocks, frat guys and skin- many friends on the ship. I think people heads – anyone with short hair; but the suspected that he thought he was better girls always managed to sniff us out as if than them, but I didn’t pretend to know we were doused in Eau de Squid. To your much about it. This was my first trip to TJ typical San Diego girl, we might as well and the only thing I was interested in was have had dead albatrosses hanging around having a good time. our necks. We sat in a booth. A waiter came and To add insult to injury, Spring Break took our order and immediately brought was right around the corner, a time when back our beers – cold Tecates in red, sweaty booze-crazed coeds flocked to the beach- cans. A big woman stuffed into a gaudy es in droves. I went to sleep each night blue dress sat down next to me in the booth. thinking somewhere in southern Her hair was thick and shiny. Her make-up California a dozen tequila-addled college was intense. She told us her name was girls were consenting to be doused by a Raquel. foaming torrent of Coronas spurting from “You have pretty eyes,” she said. a hundred longnecks in an amateur wet t- “Thank you,” I said. shirt contest. For the sex-starved sailor of “So blue.” the seventh fleet, the solution was obvi- “Thank you.” ous: Tijuana. She put her hand in my lap. Her long, It was the answer to all our prayers. lacquered fingernails danced on my thigh. Liquor was cheap, the laws were lax, and thou- It was the day before payday and I was flat “You want to make love to me,” she said. It sands of California girls poured over the border broke. I’d resigned myself to an evening with was not a question. every Friday and Saturday night to drink, dance, one of the books from the cardboard box in the I did not want to make love to Raquel. Her and go wild. TJ was also a place where things after crew’s lounge that constituted the ship’s ass was wider than mine. Something about her could go terribly wrong. Muggers, hustlers, and library. Carter prowled the berthing compart- fingernails, the questions that were not ques- whores knew the navy pay schedule and learned ment, looking for someone to accompany him to tions, intimidated the hell out of me. I didn’t to identify the country bumpkin, the pockets of Tijuana. want to tell her I had no desire to have sex with their Wranglers bulging with cash. We heard “Yo, Ruland. Come with me.” her because I didn’t want to hurt her feelings. stories of sailors getting beaten, stabbed, or el- I told him my financial situation, but he I smiled. kabonked and having their wallets lifted, but wouldn’t take no for an answer and offered to Raquel grabbed my penis. 12 they were apocryphal tales passed pay for my drinks. We weren’t what you’d call “I am the best,” she said. Please go away, I wanted to say, but I had cups. They drank and pounded the table with and attractive, and there wasn’t a big-footed, been stricken speechless. Carter came to my res- their fists. Woo-ha! Woo-ha! man-handed imposter among them. They cue. “I don’t know about this,” I said. danced three songs and selected a man from the “We don’t have any money.” “Relax. If anyone asks, we’ll say we’re in audience, whom they took upstairs to their It was as if someone had zapped Raquel the Corps.” dressing room and let him pay for the pleasure with a smile eraser. Her eyes went dead. Her “I’m not going to impersonate a marine.” of fucking their brains out – but only if they felt interest in us had been reduced to negative noth- “All of a sudden you’re proud to be a like it. It was not unusual, Carter explained, for ing. She slid out of the booth and moved on to squid?” the girls not to invite someone upstairs. Looking the next customer. I felt bad. I wanted Raquel to “No.” around the room at the bellowing marines I come back and touch my penis again. I thought “All right then. You’re a jarhead.” could see why. it was something I could probably get used to We found a pair of stools parked on the edge “So they pick you?” I asked. without much difficulty. I told Carter what had of the stage. The bar had a Tecate and tequila “That’s how it works.” happened. special and we ordered one of each. We set our “What if you’re ugly?” “Did she take it out?” beers down and drank our shots. My stomach “Then you better throw down some money.” “No,” I said. “She just kind of “What if you don’t have any grabbed it.” money?” “That’s probably a good thing.” “You go to Bedfellows and “Why’s that?” hope some dude cops your crank.” “Because she’s a he.” The dancer in the red bikini “No!” finished dancing and the marines “Yes!” thundered their approval. She We argued. Carter presented the climbed the stairs to the dressing evidence. rooms – alone – and the marines “She’s wearing a wig. She has booed. huge hands. She has an Adam’s The next dancer took the stage apple.” and for a few seconds I forgot to “What’s that got to do any- breathe. I’d never been to a strip club thing?” before, and I’d always imagined the “Only dudes have Adam’s dancers as sultry seductresses with apples. That’s why they’re named exquisite costumes. I expected veils. after Adam.” Diaphanous, jasmine-scented veils. “Really?” And veils are what I got. The dancer “Are all white people from whirled and twirled and left veils Virginia as simple as you?” floating in the air. She used every I shook my head. I refused to inch of the stage. Her skin was the believe I’d been fondled by a man. color of candy apples. Gold chains “Look,” he whispered, “here she with tinkling charms adorned her comes again.” ankles. Another slender chain encir- Raquel made a big show out of cled her waist and a pendant dangled ignoring us as she walked past our above the soft cave of her navel. She booth. She had huge feet. Protruding was the most enchanting partially below her belly was the ghost of naked person I’d ever seen. what I hoped was not a bulge. She “She’s amazing,” I said. was mannish as all get out. “She’s something,” Carted “I can’t wait to tell everyone agreed. you got felt up by a dude!” Carter She made the marines lose the laughed and laughed. I’d made his few faculties that remained in their night. possession. They jostled one another I buried my head in my hands. to get closer to the stage, spilling The incident brought the number of drinks all over the place. One marine people who had touched my penis to was so excited he emptied an entire two, and one of them was a man. I beer over his own head. I never wondered if having a man touch my wanted to be that drunk, or that stu- penis meant I was technically gay. pid. There was no way I could ask Carter In between songs they clam- about it. Not now. Not ever. ored for the dancer’s attention, “Let’s go somewhere else,” I whose name, the DJ told us, was said. “Someplace with real women.” felt like the inside of a carburetor. Isabella. “I know just the place.” “So this is a whorehouse?” “Isabella,” I said. “What a great name.” We left Bedfellows (duh!) and went to a “Yes.” “Fuck a name,” Carter said. “Look at that roadhousey looking joint around the corner “It’s my first one.” ass.” called G-Spot. There was a green neon sign that “Congratulations.” Isabella was down to her last two veils – one read “I appreciate you bringing me here.” bound her breasts, the other was tied like a sash GIRLS “No problem, just don’t ask me to touch around her hips. She was all shadows and curves GIRLS your dick.” in a thin, gauzy bikini. The song was a Mexican GIRLS. “Will you cut me some slack with the penis song; the words were in Spanish. I wanted to Music and laughter and cheers poured touching?” know what the words meant so that I could tat- through the open doorway. This was a much Some marines were looking at us funny, so too them on my heart. I was starting to wonder happier bar, I thought. The ushers – “Amigos! we whistled at the dancer. We did not want a how long Carter and I would have to wait before Amigos!” – ushered us inside and left us with a hundred skilletheads thinking there were gay it was Isabella’s turn to dance again when the man who took us into the saloon. The place was sailors in their midst. song came to an end. She stood before our table packed with a hundred or so screaming marines Carter explained the dynamics of the G- with one hand on her hip, and the other pointed going apeshit over a woman in a red bikini danc- Spot. Technically, it was a whorehouse but the at me. She curled her finger into her fist. ing to “Highway to Hell” on a raised stage. emphasis was on the dancing. The women were Come. Pesos were flying. Bartenders brought the leath- much better looking than the women at To. ernecks platters of tequila shots in little plastic Bedfellows. They were young, supple, slender Me. 13 The marines shouted, “Go! Go! Go! Go! “You get suck or fuck,” she said. “Not both. “Go.” Go!” What you want?” I descended the stairs. The marines – My I couldn’t believe it. I was in a room sur- “Suck,” I said. brothers! My amigos! – rose to their feet and rounded by grunting, sweating men who would Isabella knelt on the mat. cheered. I pumped my fists in the air and rev- probably be breaking bottles over their heads if “Come here.” eled in their exultation. prior experience with this form of entertainment I went to her. She unbuckled my belt and Carter shook his head. hadn’t convinced them that the negatives, unzipped my jeans and pulled down my boxers. “Did you just say ‘Semper Fi, do or die’?” which were many, far outweighed the positives. “Put this on.” Carter asked. Of course she’d picked me! But there was a She handed me a condom. I unwrapped it I shrugged sheepishly. problem: I didn’t have enough money. I didn’t and put it on. “You simple fuck.” have any money. She sucked. She sucked and sucked and Marines clapped me on the back. They Carter pressed a wad of bills into my hand. sucked. She sucked until her mouth was tired. wanted to know what I was drinking. I smiled “You have to do this,” he said. “Did you come?” the smile of someone who had just had sex for “I know.” “No.” the first time in over six months, and didn’t “Thank me, you fuck.” “Fuck me,” she said. have to tell a soul about it because everyone “Thank you.” She lay down on the mat and spread her already knew. Carter was clearly envious. How “Go.” legs. could he not have been? “How much do I give her?” We fucked. We fucked and fucked and “I don’t want to hear about it,” he said. “All of it.” fucked. We fucked until I came. She rolled “Just tell me it was good.” “Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!” the marines insisted. away and went to the sink. I heard water run- “It was good.” I mounted the stage. Isabella took me by the ning. Splashing sounds. I caught my breath “Fucker.” hand and led me up the stairs. She took me to a while she cleaned herself. She came back to the We did not stay much longer. Carter was tiny room with no windows. There was no bed, mat. nearly out of money and he feared some of the just a mat with a blanket on it and a sink. “Thank you,” I said. marines had caught on we were squids. We “You pay me now.” “You go now.” walked across the border to San Ysidro and I paid her. “That was really great.” took the trolley back to 32nd Street. The next “What you want?” “I have to get dressed.” day Carter told everyone on the ship what had I wasn’t sure. Like most people, I wanted to “What was the name of that song you happened and no one heard the story of a how a be loved, but I was pretty sure this wasn’t the danced to?” man had touched my penis. It occurred to me place for that. I was in Tijuana, Mexico, desper- “‘I Want to Know What Love Is.’ Please go that I’d had my penis touched by two people in ately trying to look like I knew what I was now.” one night – another first. Some snipes I didn’t doing, as if never having paid for sex was some- I was making her uncomfortable. I did not like heard about my experience and wanted to thing to be embarrassed about. Luckily, Isabella want to make Isabella uncomfortable. I slipped know the name of the whorehouse. had some experience in these matters. I was on my shoes and picked up my shirt. “Bedfellows,” I said. “Ask for Raquel.” grateful for this, but I secretly wished she’d “Goodbye, Isabella.” –Money smile at me again, and I tried not to be too dis- “Goodbye.” appointed when she did not. “Thank you.” ø ørb Love, Nørb Rev. N
Christene, at this point in time completely drunk off her ass, spins around on her barstool, loudly slurs “yyyYYOU’VE GOT TH’ BIGGEST COCK!!!”
Dear Twins fans: allowances for a certain modicum of unfamiliar- Dear Mr. Collective: You will, no doubt, be “stoked,” as the kids say ity and confusion in these situations, but, all the Look, Jack, i’m an advice columnist, not a god- (or, perhaps, said), to learn that, following last same, i can’t help but wonder how the guy did- damn miracle worker. Give you hope that the issue’s installment of “Love, Nørb” (America’s n’t notice that there was, say, oh, i don’t know, Cincinnati Bengals are going all the way next most rampantly unsuccessful advice column!), i NO TORSO attached to the alleged vagina? And year? Gee, what the fuck ELSE can i do for you A. put pants on; B. had the purple dye come out how did the guy reconcile the presence of, say, while i’m up, publish a recipe for a miracle salve of my hair; (thusly rendering my trainwreck of a knuckles and such? What was he thinking, that will grow back Rwandans’ amputated coiffure [sorry, midlife crisis] a bleached-out “wow, five amazingly erect clitorii, surely today limbs? Imbue you with super-strength and the mop that apparently causes me to resemble The i am a man!”??? And, continuing in this same power of flight? Add three inches to your penis Little Dutch Boy [that, i guess, plus my staunch throbbing vein, an ex-girlfriend of mine once overnight, guaranteed? WHAT THE HELL ARE refusal to remove my finger from the dyke]), and told me a story about how some classmate of YOU EVEN WRITING IN FOR, MON??? You C. had the rubber Elvis sunglasses, silver girls’ hers, in a drunken swoon, fucked a CARSEAT – don’t need an advice columnist, you need a god- jacket and pink plastic peace sign necklace i was which i can understand, after a fashion [desper- damn Mental Health Center! Call your local so strikingly depicted in last issue stolen from ate times do, after all, require desperate mea- Crisis Intervention Hotline! Possibly your local my vehicle when hoodlums intent on befouling sures], except for the part where the guy thought Poison Control Center!! And for God’s sakes, my Valentine’s Day even more than it would be the car seat was a real person’s pussy. I mean… don’t drive anywhere or operate any heavy intrinsically befouled broke into my car and ? How confused are you allowed to be in these machinery!!! Thanks for the letter, raving heisted my Powerpuff Girls™ backpack (which situations? And what was he thinking during lunatic! also included my “The Knack... Is Back!” long foreplay? “Wow, spare change! And here I sleeve t-shirt i got when my band opened for the thought that was just the punchline to an old Love, Knack and the Figgs on Memorial Day 1994 and joke!” I mean, i admit that i’ve – quite by acci- Nørb my cool tie-dyed pants [and, of course, you’re dent, i can assure you – thrusted my manhood a saying “how in the living FUCK can tie-dyed few times into the alternate non-vaginal aperture ...and THAT, my friends, is the complete and pants be COOL?” – which, is, of course, the in the female pelvic neighborhood, but somehow total extent of the letters this issue. I’ll be leav- great tragedy of the situation: They actually real- that doesn’t seem quite as ludicrous as, i dunno, ing now for a nice, relaxing evening of drinking ly WERE], not to mention my rubber Elvis mask aiming for the vagina and scoring the carseat or Pabst™ with a lemon wedge out of a martini and a quantity of an illicit substance to be named a hand [‘course, it actually IS pretty funny, in a glass and watching basketball highlights... oh, rb later) (although, on the bright side, they did slapstick kinda way, except no one else involved wait... operator error. There WAS one more let-
ø leave me the champagne and Justice League of but me ever sees the humor in such comedic anal ter in the ol’ Rockin’ Rev Mailbag! To wit: America fruitsnacks). So, ha! The last laugh is blunders]). But, yes, no more of the bully pulpit! thine! Twins-instigated karma was visited upon No more belittling of enemy sports teams, nor Dear Rev. Nørb, my head (actually, more like visited upon my their fans! Hell, i’ll even embrace soccer as a American Airlines™ recently sent me a letter passenger side karma window) in swift and sure real sport! I’ll support Division-I lacrosse at offering me five free magazine subscriptions if i fashion! You win! I lose! Whip me with Bud pricey liberal arts colleges! From this day for- cash in my (and my bandmates) frequent flyer Rev. N Selig’s liver lips! Enjoy the backpack! I give! ward, i, Rev. Nørb, will channel all energies for- miles today. Should i do it? And any time you want you can tell Kirby merly used to castigate Sports Teams I Really Puckett to stop pissing in my driveway; i’ve Fucking Hate into bringing YOU, the reader, the Very truly yours, learned my lesson! Yessirree, from this day for- BEST DAMN ADVICE COLUMN money can Rev. Nørb ward, i, Rev. Nørb, America’s Greatest Living buy! And that’s my promise to YOU, America! Green Bay WI Advice Columnist™, solemnly vow to never Now, on to the mailbag... again use my position of great power and influ- Dear Nørb: ence to demean, defile, and otherwise cauterize Hey Nørb. Oh yeah, totally. They’ll never know. I just did other people’s sports teams (further, all my rant- A quick question. Last year, the Cincinnati the same thing recently, got subscriptions to a ing and raving how the Minnesota Twins could Bengals were a horrible 2-14, and all my friends whole shitload of magazines, many of which i’ll suck my dick and what-not caused me to forget down at the bar made fun of me all year for never read even once. I got like Time, Rolling to pass along the anecdote about how when we being, what seems, the ONLY Bengals fan in the Stone, Wired, MacWorld and this Maxim music were in sixth grade, my friend Pat DeGroot told city (they made it out to be the world, but I know spin-off called Blender, totally free. Why the me that his older sister would dress up like there’s another one out there somewhere... there fuck not, i guess. Rolling Stone has always both- Woody of the Bay City Rollers and sing has to be!). Now seeing as I know more about ered me (to this day i have never purchased an “Saturday Night” into a hairbrush in the mirror – hockey (being Canadian and living in a smaller issue, although free copies have occasionally which isn’t really that great of a story, but he city in northwestern Ontario) than football, I just come into my possession), something about their also told me that once her boyfriend wanted to need some advice on what to tell my friends to readership voting (1979’s) London Calling as get it on, and she apparently didn’t, so, under make them believe, like I do, that the Cincinnati the “Album of the Decade” – for the eighties – cover of darkness, she slathered her palm with Bengals are going all the way next year. Thanks always seemed cruelly fitting. Blender – mod- Vaseline™, presented said hand as The Vaginal Nørb. estly subtitled “The Ultimate Music Magazine” Orifice, and the neophyte male joyfully humped – kind of bothers me in the same way SPIN does: away, thinking he had gotten full-on Hot Coital poorman collective apart from the given that i, as one might expect, Action. Now, obviously, one must make apparently somewhere in Canada do not honestly give a fuck about the comings and goings of Eminem, Avril Lavigne (or what- COLUMN HERE!!!). It’s like “music as THE ROCK GODDESS 50! ever the fuck that chick’s name is), or lifestyle accessory” or something – which, if you (REV[NØRB]ISED VERSION) Audioslave, just the ads and the format alone think about it, points to a fair enough theory as make my fucking skin crawl. Allow me to illus- to why a large segment of the population is per- (oh, but first, lemme state my prejudices, so’s trate: Inside front cover: Guess™ ad. Page 1: fectly content to download music off the net you, the merry reader, can adjust your views of Another Guess™ ad. Pages 2 & 3: Calvin without ever actually feeling a compulsion to my views accordingly: 1. I like Asian chicks. Klein™ ad. Pages 4 & 5: Fila™ ad. Pages 6 & actually own the recording: Having no tangible Perhaps you’ve heard this before? Since my 7: American Eagle Outfitters™ ad. Pages 8 & 9: connection to Rock Culture (of any kind), they statement years ago that part of this attraction is Hyundai™ ad. Pages 10 & 11: Sony have no appetite or need whatsoever to actually seemingly based on my theory that Mongolian Playstation™ ad. Pages 12 & 13: Arizona Jean possess its artifacts. Music is something to be eyefolds are subliminally reminiscent of vulvas Company™ ad. The first even vaguely music- used, then dumped when it no longer acces- [or did i say “vulvii?”] [oh well, like we say in related item is page 14’s SXSW ad. The first sorizes well with their new, i dunno, Ralph Gein Country: “Shoebox full of vulvas – that’s actual bit of music-related content other than a Lauren suspenders or whatever. THUSLY, the not news. Vulva full of shoeboxes – THAT’S table of contents or something is on PAGE 26. whole magazine is, like, automatically invalidat- news!”], i will sidestep that particular shitstorm
The back cover is a Georgio Armani™ ad. I ed from the get-go as far as i’m concerned by offering two other rationalizations for my Rev. N mean, WHAT the FUCKING FUCK has this (though, in fairness, the record reviews are pret- preferences: a. i like the flatter, broader faces society come to? Ads for fucking DESIGNER ty well-written and the captions to a lotta the pic- common to Asiatics more than i dig more 3-D CLOTHES and COLOGNE and – jeezus say it tures are tres amusant, likely a result of them kind of heads like on Caucasians; whilst a par- ain’t so! – FUCKING JAPANESE AUTOMO- having a bunch of old Creem writers from my ticularly stunning Caucasian lass might impart BILES in “The Ultimate Music Magazine???” misspent youth on the payroll [such as it is]). one with the desire to chisel her likeness on And nobody kicked their ass yet??? This is However, in the interests of, uh, Science, i took Mount Rushmore, a fetching Asiatic female is ø something VILE and UN-RIGHT, to say the a bit of interest in their “Rock Goddess 50” arti- more likely to cause one to draw her as a cartoon rb least. I mean, when i was like 13, 14, 15, i used cle, just to make sure it wasn’t at all right (it character. Cartoons are cooler than mountains, to read Creem magazine, where they would actu- wasn’t at all right). Subtitled “The Sexiest Asian chicks win. 2. Asian girls’ flesh [well, the ally have ads for things like GUITARS and Women in Music Today!” (first bone of con- stuff i’ve sampled] is kinda like Silly Putty™, AMPS and HEADPHONES and RECORD tention: Are they ranking them as “Rock minus the amazing stretchiness and the ability to CARE PRODUCTS and OTHER ITEMS Goddesses” OR as “Women in Music Today?” I reproduce newspaper comics backwards; SOMEWHAT PERTINENT TO THE ROCK mean, isn’t there a substantial distinction Caucasian girls’ flesh is more like Play-Doh™, CULTURE. Blender has ads for Nissan, Reebok, between being a “rock goddess” and a “woman minus the intoxicating aroma. I can’t explain it and Ralph Lauren. I mean, obviously, a maga- in music today?” I mean, the flute player at my any better than that. Asian girls win again. The zine of Blender’s ilk is founded sheerly as a brother’s wedding is a “woman in music today,” end. 2. I kind of am not into short chicks. They profit-making venture; i don’t have a problem is she not?) The “Rock Goddesses” who came just sorta weird me out. Like, i have a hard time with that. However, the fact that the people who immediately to (this scientist’s) mind were really believing that an entire person can be fit read Blender are, as far as anybody can tell, like- nowhere to be found (not even the Caucasian into such a compact unit. Midgets and shit i have ly the type of people to whom Guess and Calvin ones); instead, the list was littered with a bunch no problem understanding; they seem totally Klein and Georgio Armani products can be of chicks i never heard of: “Chilli?” “Christina normal to me. Short girls though – i dunno. Just effectively marketed completely and utterly Milian?” “Norah Jones?” “Samantha Mumba?” strange. They make me feel even more awkward blows my mind (and not in a good way). I mean, “Melissa Auf Der Maur?” Are these really even than usual; as a result, i don’t think i’ve ever picture a bunch of red and blue cop lights about real people? I never jerked off thinking about dated anyone under 5’6”, ever, and have only as big as watertowers and a Leslie-like loud- ANY of these chicks even once (except, okay, gotten my wild freak on with two girls [lifetime speaker approximately the same dimensions as for the Donnas, and i think i was only thinking total] whom i can say with certainty were defi- Busch Stadium, but occupying an other-dimen- about two of them at a time)! Therefore, in the nitely much shorter than that [verdict: one stellar sional space inside the friendly confines of my interests of correcting THIS GREAT WRONG- performance, one, uh, “otherwise.” Got VD mind. Now picture me reading Blender (pants on NESS within the pages of a music-oriented pub- from the former. Beware! Beware!] [there may or off, sweeten to taste). Now picture ALL lication not fatally tainted with blatant Georgio have been one or two others who were shorter THAT SHIT GOING OFF IN MY HEAD. Not a Armani corruption, might i take this opportuni- than 5’6”; the Bureau of Weights and Measures pretty picture, to say the least (and, by the way, ty, genital reader, to present a piece which i wist- tends to play it a bit fast and loose {no pun D’YA MIND KEEPING IT DOWN, JERK- fully entitle... intended} in these matters]. I ASS??? I’M TRYING TO WRITE AN ADVICE mean, i guess they’d do in a three- 17 way, if i had a few of ‘em crawling over me like 47. 54 NUDE HONEYS help but make a fella dizzy with desire (don’t kittens or baby harp seals or something; in gen- Why They’re Sexy: Hmm... let’s see... five even get me started about what those old eral, however, anytime i try to hit on a short young Japanese women, dressed in black latex Freddie & The Dreamers videos do to me). chick i always feel like i’m putting the moves and/or leather... hmmm... “why they’re sexy”... Nobody’s Perfect: Hit the Rock! CD includes on Piglet [if it makes you feel any better, verti- gosh... heck... boy... i’m sorry, this question is photo of her at her own wedding. Talk about cally challenged damsels, Corey Parks of too hard. Nobody’s Perfect: The maximum fucking buzzkill... What I’d Dress Her In: Red Nashville Pussy once gave me a hug, and that number of women i can conceptualize myself DEVO flowerpot, yellow Booji Boy suit, possi- was fucking weird, too, so no girls over 6’5” or having sex with at one time is four. What would ble bandana made out of divorce papers. so made the list either] [note: where prejudice the fifth member do? Serve drinks and work the #1 and prejudice #2 are at variance, prejudice turntable? What I’d Dress Them In: More latex! 40. NORA Ditz #1 oft-times wins out]. 3. I tend to like tall, slen- More latex! Masks and suits and gloves and Why She’s Sexy: Somehow manages to look der chicks as opposed to the more “full-figured” shit! Bring out the gimp! Bring out the gimp! smart, friendly, and pretty at the same time variety. What’s it to ya?). Prejudices duly noted, which tends to happen with the same frequency anyone who’s still reading... READ ON! (P.S. 46. SARAH The Flip Tops as one hitting the $1 trifecta at the race track. My records are gettin’ kinda old, so forgive any Why She’s Sexy: Fishnets and Chuck Also, her previous band, Blue Sunshine, con- empirical obsolescence which may accrue) Taylors™. I mean, that even looks good when i tained a hottie female guitar player whose name do it. Nobody’s Perfect: Kind of looks a little bit escapes me at present (the other member being 50. SHEENA RAMONE Cancer Kids like the Joker on the front cover of their album. Bart, now drummer of Bleed – leading to one of Why She’s Sexy: I dunno, but a few years ago, What I’d Dress Her In: Fishnets, Chuck my more fondly embraced comedy jokes, to there was some suitably nondescript Mutant Taylors™, denim jacket, possibly a bra if we wit: “Why is being a female Blue Sunshine Pop band who did a song called “Sheena wanted to get all fucking ornate and shit. groupie a lot like spending the week in Ramone,” which contained the less-than-affable Berkeley? Either way, you’re gonna spend most chorus of “She’s ugly/but she likes the 45. FABIENNE DELSOL The Bristols of your time riding BART!”), and, the first time Ramones” (i think?), which, to me, seemed like Why She’s Sexy: As i understand it, she’s a non- our bands played together, between songs, one of the most uselessly mean-spirited things native English speaker singing in English; fur- Nora, the brains of the outfit, looked over at i’d ever heard in a punk song (and that’s coming ther, she’s got a voice that sounds like some sort said hottie guitar player, and said, for no appar- from a guy whom Tim Yohannan once called of direct-to-brain transmission from a mysteri- ent reason, and i quote: “Take your pants off.” “really mean,” just because i said Jeff Bale ous microscopic planet where all the inhabitants Which she did. Nora then followed suit. They looked like the stunt double for Larry from the have developed amazing mental powers – she played the duration of the set with their pants at Three Stooges [i’m like, “Yeah, but he does!” could probably be singing about how you their ankles. I was totally into it, but, yet, i was and Tim goes, “I know! That’s why it’s so should go to the gas station right now and buy a kinda like “oh THANKS, guys. How the fuck mean!”]), so, ha, i avenge thy honour, fair 12-pack of Pepsi™ Blue and you’d wind up are we supposed to follow THAT? What am i Sheena, ROCK GODDESS thou now officially doing it and have no idea why. Nobody’s supposed to do, ‘hey Paul, take your pants art! Projects image of starry-eyed thirteen year Perfect: I dunno, you could kind of visualize her off’?” Some people got no respeck! Nobody’s old trying to play dress up and look like Riff in a Grateful Dead t-shirt without undue mental Perfect: Once, Nora and i were exchanging Randall, but is actually significantly older and, strain. What I’d Dress Her In: Anything anyone phone numbers for some purely business-relat- i dunno, i don’t really see anyone else looking was wearing on the first Fools album cover. ed affair, and, unbeknownst to me, the guy much like Riff Randall these days, and there’s standing behind me copied down her number by gotta be a market for that sort of thing. 44. THE 5.6.7.8’s looking over my shoulder... and i think they Nobody’s Perfect: Might be on a number of Why They’re Sexy: Ninja charm! Plus Kay™ wound up getting married and shit. Girls love those prescription drugs the Ramones wrote basses, because we deserve the best! Nobody’s that story. I’m more like... hmmm... damn. songs about. What I’d Dress Her In: If part of Perfect: Drummer kind of looks like she knows What I’d Dress Her In: Those boxers she was the joy to be extracted from the act of dressing secret martial art form whereby drumsticks can wearing the night she dropped her pants on one’s partner as a Catholic schoolgirl is derived be used as lethal weapons if anyone ever gives stage were curiously enthralling. from the notion of corrupting the innocent, her shit for occasionally wearing hair in a bun Sheena would yield evil in a league with Satan. (booooooooo). What I’d Dress ‘Em In: 39. BUFFI AGUERO The Vendettas EVIL IN A LEAGUE WITH SANTA! Waitressin’ uniforms from Chinese restaurant Why She’s Sexy: There is something intensely my ex-ex-girlfriend used to work at. alluring about a girl who can pose with a guitar 49. SINDI Lunachicks and look totally rad and cool and doable – yet Why She’s Sexy: Yeah, okay, she’s short. Fine. 43. KATHLEEN HANNA Bikini Kill or what- without visually complying with any predeter- But i always thought she was cute, kind of in a ever mined aesthetic mandates as to what constitutes pet turtle sort of way. Also, i think the first time Why She’s Sexy: I’m not exactly sure, really. an acceptable rad and cool and doable pose for my band played with her band, Sindi was wear- Nobody’s Perfect: She’s gonna win that Mötley a female guitarist. Nobody’s Perfect: There is rb ing a skirt that was even shorter than she was, Crüe mirror if it kills me. What I’d Dress Her also something intensely alluring about your
ø and i’m pretty sure she wasn’t wearing under- In: Mark Chmura jersey. No pants. CD not sucking. What I’d Dress Her In: The wear, ‘cause a couple times throughout the white lace-up boots, white terrycloth bikini (or course of the set i’m virtually certain i saw pro- 42. CANDY DEL MAR Andy G and the Roller whatever it is), Gretsch and iron cross depicted truding twat-lip (ladies, if you take away but Kings on the Can’t Stop 7-inch will do just fine, thank one useful insight into the male psyche from Why She’s Sexy: Dude, sometimes she wears a you very much. this column, let it be this: It’s all about results, tie. Chicks in ties are hot. There was this photo Rev. N bay-bee! Amen, man). Nobody’s Perfect: I met of a stripper i used to have on file at work (yes, 38. MIKA KANAYAMA Mikabomb her husband, and he didn’t seem at all insane. that is actually my job) whom all my co-work- Why She’s Sexy: What part of the “Asian Girls What I’d Dress Her In: Crotchless Teenage ers were lambasting as being a yucky coke Are Hot” thing do you not get yet??? Nobody’s Mutant Ninja Turtle costume. whore, etc., but i was completely transfixed by Perfect: CD insert photo depicts her looking the image simply because she was wearing a tie. emaciated at almost Mandy Smith-like levels; 48. RYAN Kill-A-Watts Dangit, ladies, try it out on yo’ man once and then again, Bill Wyman is a very underrated Why He’s Sexy: Um... well, he’s not. He’s not tell me if i speaketh not the unvarnished truth! pervert. What I’d Dress Her In: “Motor City even a chick. He wouldn’t even make a good Hell, try it out on me! Nobody’s Perfect: In pic- Baby” sleeveless t-shirt. No pants. chick if he were. But he does have that one- tures where you can’t see the tie, my interest drink-drunk thing down to a high art (plus the drops significantly. What I’d Dress Her In: Tie. 37. TOBI VAIL Bikini Kill or whatever fellatio technique i’m sure he refined on Greg at Duh. Why She’s Sexy: Kind of looks like a bug on Rip Off would probably make him a good cell- back of one of their albums (bugs are sexy); is mate if push came to shove). Nobody’s Perfect: 41. DIRT BIKE JEANIE Dirt Bike Annie potentially showing Beave on The CD Version He’s a frickin’ guy. What I’d Dress Him In: Ball Why She’s Sexy: Asian, plus band does occa- of the First Two Records cover (hard to say for gags: The gift that keeps on giving! sional synchronized stage movements like kicks sure). Nobody’s Perfect: If that IS Beave and 18 and right-angle-turns and such, which can’t not panties on the cover, she’s gotta hit the Lady Bic™ on the PDQ. What I’d Dress Her In: Well, Perfect: Resembles my cousin Dee Dee, who her stage stance from studying Billie Joe of if she IS showing Beave on the cover, i’ll just go was pretty much the first female i ever saw Green Day. What I’d Dress Her In: Green mini- with that. If not, i say dress her up like one of the nekkid. What I’d Dress Her In: Black & white dress era costume that Marvel Girl wore from X- Penguin’s henchmen from the Batman TV show horizontally striped top would work; i would Men #39 thru #66. Or Billie Joe from Green and i’ll take me chances. have to see her both with and without pants in Day. order to decide where we would go with that part 36. FRANCOISE CACTUS or BREZEL of the outfit. Really, anything that more or less 31. COURTNEY CLARK The Tears or the G(TM)RING (whichever is the chick) Stereo said “I RESEMBLE, BUT CLEARLY AM Teras or the Terrors or whatever the fuck their Total NOT, YOUR COUSIN DEE DEE” would likely band is called Why She’s Sexy: Wears glasses and sings songs work. Why She’s Sexy: Well, she’s certainly got that about how she likes to have threesomes (which whole tit thing goin’ on. Nobody’s Perfect: The is pretty much almost as good as being Asian). 33. LISA Bobbyteens first time i heard her talk about her band, i Nobody’s Perfect: Did not invite me to partici- Why She’s Sexy: Appears to be the active ingre- thought they were called the “Terrors,” then, the pate in any threesomes which may or may not dient in strawberry milkshakes made flesh. more i listened to her, the more it sounded like have occurred since my purchase of their record. Nobody’s Perfect: Strikes me (without any she was saying “Teras” – then i get an e-mail
What I’d Dress Her In: Skintight silver body empirical basis, i might add) as the kind of girl announcing the release of their 45, and it lists the Rev. N suit, possibly with NASA logo over left breast. who would smell kinda funky. What I’d Dress band as the “Tears.” Now, how long do you Her In: ’60s era Phantom Girl costume (with think you could ride in a car with someone who 35. “WORK WITH ME” ANNIE Les Legion of Super-Heroes flight ring!). couldn’t say “tears” to your satisfaction without Sexareenos punching them out? What I’d Dress Her In: Any
Why She’s Sexy: Appears to be tallish and slim, 32. GUITAR PLAYER CHICK The Flipsides manner of too-tight ringer t-shirt as long as it ø
also appears to drink beer and own a Farfisa. Why She’s Sexy: I have never seen nor heard had numerals on the front. No pants. rb Definitely has bangs and wears tight pants. this band, but Metal Mike sent me some photos Might not be adverse to engaging in doggy style of her during some manner of debate we were 30. COURTNEY CLARK’S SISTER Same coitus whilst playing Joe “King” Carrasco songs hosting on the highly intellectual topic of “what Band on the Farfisa, just to humor me. Nobody’s kinda chicks are the most hot.” I believe Mike’s Why She’s Sexy: Wicked eyes, man. Wicked Perfect: Looks kinda like the Wicked Witch of contention was that this girl was the type of girl eyes. Some people should just be forced to wear the West on back cover of Live! In The Bed LP. who WOULD be hot, if she weren’t tall and sunglasses constantly, in order to prevent inno- What I’d Dress Her In: If the pants on that skinny with no butt. I, of course, took the posi- cent victims from falling prey to their insidious record cover are as tight as they look, i’ll take tion that she WAS hot BECAUSE she was tall opto-psychic weaponry. Nobody’s Perfect: The ‘em. Matching bra will round out the ensemble and skinny with no butt, and, in fact, was so fact that i didn’t rate the sister bandmates as one nicely, unless she wants to wear my purple and smitten with the images he provided that i down- equally ranked collective unit clearly indicates orange horizontally striped turtleneck or some- loaded them to my hard drive, an honor general- that i am not a sane individual and am therefore thing. ly reserved for pornography (and particularly unable to comment lucidly on this point lest my fetching scans of ’71-’72 hockey cards). Further, own imperfections be brought under closer 34. GUITAR PLAYER WHO RESEMBLES while i don’t have a redhead fetish like some scrutiny. What I’d Dress Her In: Sport bra, MY COUSIN DEE DEE Kill-A-Watts folks i know, once one of ‘em gets that redhead Chuck Taylors™. Why She’s Sexy: Resembles my cousin Dee mojo goin’ like Margaret from Dennis The Dee, who was pretty much the first female i ever Menace, look out, bro’ – your capitulation is 29.5 MUMMY THE PEEPSHOW saw nekkid. Also jumps around. Nobody’s imminent. Nobody’s Perfect: Apparently learned Why They’re Sexy: Finally made me realize Rev. Nørb wearing. ever wentonadate,i’djustwearwhatshe’s what towear. Inpointoffact,ithinkthatifwe skirt, acoolbeltandsleevelessblackt-shirt telling ahotJapanesegirlinfishnets,cool What I’dDressHerIn:Ihavenobusiness remember fromtheonetimeilistenedtoit. Perfect: Their recordkinda sucks,orsoi interesting tosayonthesubject.Nobody’s mean, ican’t eventhinkofanything elsenewor which isthebestcolortolookin.I humanity becausetheylookthebestinblack, are sexierthanthevariousotherflavorsof Why She’s Sexy:Oh,ialmostforgot – Asians HANDA 29. MIKA t-shirts puttobetterusethanontheseladies! Dress Them In:NeverseenBoris The Sprinkler Mothra inthatoneGodzillamovie. What I’d fairie twinswhosangthesongtosummon they areactuallymorelikethoseweelittleelfin cally documentedgetsthebenefitofdoubt), anyone whoseshortnessihavenotyetempiri- desses listedhereinmaybeequallyasshort,but (note: otherallegedlyfull-fledgedrockgod- way tooshortandlittletobeRockGoddesses gloss. Nobody’s Perfect:Okay, thesegirlsare what GodwasthinkingwhenHeinventedlip as oneofher favoritebands“exceptfor Herman’s Hermits, andliststheOhioExpress girl whowears aSexPistolst-shirt,covers Why She’s Sexy: What doyou callaJapanese 27. MASUMI TOSHIKAWA not beabadideainthiscase. seem toworkinga-okay;handcuffs alsomight dresses In: Them undie-revealingdrummin’ with LP!(accordingtoLP) What I’dDressHer that wasprettyrad.Nobody’s Perfect:Madeout ticularly effective wayofshowingappreciation, that, uh,demolishingmytesticlesisnotapar- on tothwarttheimpact). Apart fromthefact me legitimatepain(remember, ihavenopants bing my, uh,goodswithenoughimpacttocause fully sendsanuppercutintomyprivates,grab- drive herpointhomemostemphatically, force- COCK!!!” and,inorderto BIGGEST TH’ GOT on herbarstool,loudlyslurs“yyyYYOU’VE time completelydrunkoff herass,spinsaround might’ve hadaset,Christene,atthispointin get thevankeysfromwhateverbandmate lavender suitcoat. As ienteredthebarareato underwear, shoes,andmydouble-breasted change backinto–ergo iwaswalking aroundin found thatiwasquitedevoidofstreetclothesto upon removingmysweatywrestlingtogs,i pulling in,and,consequently, aftertheshow, DEPT.” onthefront)invanaswewere “100% PUREFUCK”or“BULGEPHYS.ED. a wrestlingsinglet,withsomethingcleverlike late thatichangedintomystagegarb(ibelieve the FiresideBowlinChicago,mybandwasso undies, once,whenourbandsplayedtogetherat dresses soshortthaticouldclearlyseeher she oft-timesdrums(drummed?dram?)in Why She’s Sexy: Well, apartfromthefactthat 28. CHRISTENE alternate non-vaginalaperture inthefemalepelvicneighborhood, butsomehowthatdoesn’t seemquiteas I mean,iadmitthati’ve–quitebyaccident,canassure you–thrustedmymanhoodafewtimesintothe La memechose,garcon The Chubbies Mikabomb ludicrous as,idunno,aimingforthevaginaandscoringcarseatorahand Banana Erectors ! i coulddigup out ofNancySinatra’s closet from thefront. What I’dDressHerIn: Anything ly Shazam!-like lightningboltcomingdown ble-CD-set french-cuttop,witha bigred-spark- like-the-cover-of-the- amazingly magnificentpurple-sparkly-kind-of- Perfect: Doesnot,tomyknowledge, havean hair likemembersofSweet,sue me!Nobody’s astoundingly gorgeous. Ilikegirlswhohave cool, butinthePeepsCD booklet she’s remember herbecauseChela’s shirtwasso Why She’s Sexy:Idunno,idon’t evenhardly MONARCH 25. PAULA the front,anythingelseisjustgravy. Shazam!-like lightningboltcomingdownfrom set french-cuttop,withabigred-sparkly cover-of-the- magnificent purple-sparkly-kind-of-like-the- with that? What I’dDressHerIn: Amazingly Perfect: Favoritecolorisorange. What’s up run. What afuckingcoolshirt.Nobody’s – talkingtoagirl,sothenikindoffreakoutand until itsuddenlydawnsonmethati’m–ohno! away aboutclothesshoppingat Wal-Mart™, etc., andnextthingyaknowwe’rebothgabbing sectionof Wal-Mart™, clothes fromthegirls’ excitedly, howiactuallyoccasionally buy at Wal-Mart™!” And icounterbytellingher, AND AND AND...” andshe’s like“oh,Igotit HITSCOVER AND AND CARS GREATEST AND THE IT’S LIKECAPTAIN MARVEL ISSOOOOOOOOOOCOOL! SHIRT THAT SHIRT??? THAT WHERE DID YOU GET SHIRT??? THAT “WHERE DID YOU GET was alosergeekandjustranuptoheryelling after theyfinishedtheirset,ikindofforgot i uuck! That shirtissoooooofucking cool!So, down fromthefront,andiwasjustlike,fuuuu- red-sparkly Shazam!-likelightningboltcoming Hits kind-of-like-the-cover-of-the- this amazinglymagnificentpurple-sparkly- time isawthePeeps,Ms.Chelawaswearing Probe respondsaccordingly! The oneandonly out coolclothestogreateffect, my Scientific that whenthefigureinquestionisusedtofill “full-figured” lookinandofitself,iwilladmit that iwasgenerallynotimpressedwiththe Why She’s Sexy: Although ididinfactstate MISCHKE 26. CHELA shirt, blackChuck Taylors™, nopants.” Amen! gonna say“heryellowGodSave The Queent- time. Needlesstosay, withthatinmind,i’m like, oneofthefiveorthreebestalbumsall Mind TheBollocks,Here’s TheSexPistols into thehardcoldempiricalfactthat hideous corollarytothisnonsense,donotbuy about sixty-twodifferent reasons,and,asa bandfor Sex PistolswereafuckingGREAT simply refusetoacknowledgethefactthat dunno what’s withkidstoday, butalotofthem um atleastonce. What I’dDressHerIn: Well, i appears tohaveinhaledlethalamountsofheli- on; crimping ironthingorwhatevergoin’ my guess.Nobody’s Perfect: Weird permor Ramones™”? “Mrs.Rev. Nørb-to-be”wouldbe -double-CD-set french-cuttop,withabig Cars-Greatest-Hits Cars-Greatest-Hits The Peeps The Peeps Cars-Greatest- -double-CD- Never -dou- is 0 OYEPOXY 20. ROXY heels, smile. 5’5”! The horror! What I’dDressHer In:High ure itoutyourself.Nobody’s Perfect:Only something inthebathroomrightnow. You fig- Why She’s Sexy:Um,ikindofhavetogodo FAIRCLOTH 21. AMANDA no pants(duh). sunglasses, horizontallystripedshirt,lipstick, people likethat. What I’dDressHerIn:Goofy impression); Momsaidnottoassociatewith is merelyofsuchalowresolutionastogivethat album isclearlytakenwithadigitalcamera(or Nobody’s Perfect:Frontcoverpicoftheir interesting homevideosofonceortwiceso. girl whomimayornothaveshotfairly ly stripedshirt,lipstick,bangs,andlookslikea Why She’s Sexy:Goofysunglasses,horizontal- TRATION 22. PENNY Girl Scouts.No,Brownies!!! enough intheircase.I’mdressingthemlike Catholic schoolgirlthingsimplyisn’t evil girls? What I’dDress Them In:Fuckit. The they’re alreadydresseduplikeCatholicschool- dressing peopleuplikeCatholicschoolgirlsif Nobody’s Perfect: Where isthechallengein having toprocureawardrobeforthem. schoolgirls, savingmethetimeandtroubleof also alreadydressthemselvesuplikeCatholic “Baby’s GotaHard-On(JustforMe),”they merits ofgirlswhopensongswithlyricslike Why They’re Sexy: Apart fromtheobvious STUCK-UPS 23. THE rocks. strap BettyRubbledress,necklacecomposedof weiner afterthat. What I’dDressHer In:Single- Perfect: Couldn’t stoppicturing herwitha I mean...howcanyanotlovethat?Nobody’s a weiner, icouldjustsqueezeitorsomething!” grabbing hercrotchandremarking“Iwishihad BAD!”, finally “But ihavetoPEE!REALLY additional unitofextrarocking,she’dbelike rather severely, andaftereveryrequestforan encore... unfortunately, poorLuluhadtotinkle crowd kept,naturally, demandingencoreafter first evershoweastoftheMississippi), her bandinChicago(factualnote:theFastbacks ber thatone. Also, whenmybandplayedwith Pebbles andBamm-BammShow acquaintance oftheteenagePebblesonold the ElectricCompany, orperhapsevenan someone whousedtobeonSesameStreet or doll!LikeBettyRubble,ormaybe fuckin’ Why She’s Sexy: Are youkiddin’?She’s a 24. LULUGARGIULO cap inmyass. before LeeHazelwoodorwhoeverpoppeda the kidscall“the totalpackage.” Actually, they with vigorand aplomb onstage. This iswhat and worksoutso shecangyrateanddefillibrate voice, dressesinwack-ballnew wavefashion, my favoritereleaseof2002,she’s gotagreat Why She’s Sexy:Herband’s debut albumwas The Epoxies The DirtySweets Fastbacks Vyvyan , ifyouremem- don’t say that any more, never mind. Nobody’s work very nicely for my purposes, thanks. presuppose my request and have record pictures Perfect: I finally figured it out: Roxy looks kinda taken wearing a Ramones t-shirt, high heels, like Anne Frank, which is disquieting on several 17. JANELLE Panty Raid/Tourettes and, indeed, no pants. Excellent work, Jeannette. different levels. What I’d Dress Her In: I dunno, Why She’s Sexy: Blonde chicks have two quick three strips of electrical tape oughtta do the trick. options to my heart: One is to wear their hair in 14. HEATHER Teen Idols a cute li’l bob; the other is to buzz it off in some Why She’s Sexy: Christina “Kelly Bundy” 19. THEO Lunachicks manner of neo-fascist crewcut. Janelle did both Applegate as Dee Dee Ramone – and some say Why She’s Sexy: Come on, man, she does run- (not simultaneously). She’s also got that damn there’s no God! Further, someone or another i way modeling and was in Vogue and shit, she’s a smile! It ain’t right. Nobody’s Perfect: Prone to knew in Italy told me that the band stayed over fucking knockout, AND she makes herself look sudden, unexplained bouts of food poisoning; at his house, and, in the morning, Heather was like a total ree-tard on stage (sort of like how will likely kick whatever’s left of my ass after watching pornos with the rest of the dorks just Superman™ always had to pretend he was that Gina gets done for involving her in such a stupid like one of the guys. I got a soft spot in my heart hapless milksop Clark Kent, i mean, it kinda column. What I’d Dress Her In: Let’s see that for such activity on account of one of the better don’t make any sense, do it?). Plus she’s tall and damn 8th grade cheerleader outfit, woman! days of my life started when i woke up one not quite as bitchy as you’d think. Nobody’s Saturday morning with a girl in my bed, and
Perfect: I always thought her insistence on 16. FIFI Fifi & The Mach III asked her what she wanted to do that day. She always trying to “really” sing was one of the Why She’s Sexy: If the Ramones were Japanese replied, “I don’t really feel like doing anything. Lunachicks’ great undoings on record. What I’d and had a female singer, Fifi would be Joey. End Can we just lie in bed all day and smoke pot and Rev. N Dress Her In: Jerk of All Trades-era nurse cos- of fucking story. She also wears fingerless black watch pornos?” to which i replied, “Why, yes. tume, minus the blacked-out tooth gag, et al. leather gloves, which i am a big fan of, especial- Yes we can!” Umm, worked out pretty good. ly the ones you get at the cycle shops with the Yup. Yup. I don’t even wanna tell you what she 18. GINA Lunachicks reinforced palms (hmmm... and, come to think did for an encore. BUT ANYWAY, get hip to this Why She’s Sexy: I always thought she was the of it, i might need to “reinforce my palms” right kindly tip: If you’re gonna watch porno movies nicest and coolest Lunachick, plus she’s really now). Nobody’s Perfect: What if she’s really Fifi with a girl 1. Make sure no movie you watch is ø pretty in a non-runway model sorta way, plus i from Teengenerate in drag? Actually, fuck it, more than, i dunno, ten years old or whatever. rb owe her one because she works/worked at Go- you only live once. What I’d Dress Her In: Girls will be repulsed utterly if a female who by Kart Records, and, when i was having... uh... Fingerless black leather gloves. End of fucking virtue (?) of her career is presented as “sexy” is problems... getting my phone calls returned story. not reasonably au courant looking. ‘80s big-hair there, i would resort to all manner of comedic porn is right out; i don’t even know what the duplicity to get my calls thru to Greg, the 15. JEANETTE KANTZALIS The Chubbies official cut-off date is, but ya can’t be too care- owner... sometimes the person who answered the Why She’s Sexy: She’s got that which the kids ful. 2. Don’t watch the good movies – the ones phone would ask who’s calling, and i’d say down at the playground euphemistically term that are just compilations of sex scenes – togeth- (completely straight-faced) “Christina “star quality” – kinda like Janeane (whatever) er. You gotta watch something that actually has Aguilera,” which maybe worked once... anyway, Garofolo (whatever) crossed with Mary Tyler the stupid plot parts that you normally fast for- one day i decided to adopt a British accent, and Moore. Also owns (or, more correctly, owned) ward thru while you’re jerking off. Girls actual- claim i was Captain Sensible, and i’m pretty sure the coolest guitar of all time; i don’t even ly follow the plot. They will even ask questions it was Gina who answered the phone, she was remember the make and model, but she painted like “Hey! Why did she just give the TV repair- like, “OH MY GAWD, IT’S CAPTAIN SENSI- the frets different colors with nail polish because man a blowjob when she had seemingly recon- BLE!!!” and of course put my call thru to Greg, she didn’t know the names of the notes. Let me ciled with the plumber?” Act like this is a valid which is, uh, funny for me, anyway... Nobody’s call you sweetheart! Nobody’s Perfect: Did not question. 3. If you’re delving thru a pornography Perfect: Is likely going to beat my ass with a forcefully grab my crotch like her bandmate; got collection that you are unfamiliar with, jeezus baseball bat the next time she sees me over the her cool guitar ripped off in Italy. What I’d Dress god stay away from the Spanish-language Captain Sensible incident. What I’d Dress Her Her In: With all my wardrobe requests of “no stuff!!! My limited experiences with the genre In: Luxury Problem-era silver-and-blue suit will pants,” it’s refreshing to see someone actually indicate that such movies are gen- 21 erally pretty heavy on the rape and ass-fucking her bedroom. I can now state with some con- Nørb-Genius!). Verdict: Sugar-glazed rock & (like, “yeah, i’m gonna break into your house viction that Science says oui! Nobody’s Perfect: roll fire hydrant of Love! Nobody’s Perfect: I and fuck you up the ass, ‘cause you DESERVE The same French gag i would’ve opted for ear- think she actually might be in L7 now??! (plus it, but, after a while, you’ll like it, ‘CAUSE – lier under normal circumstances is still unusable she might be kinda short too, now that i think I’M – SUCH – A – STUD!!!’” i mean, how at present. What I’d Dress Her In: Batgirl cos- about it, but that’s less stressful to me than the lame can ya get? I actually kind of recommend tume from Batman TV show. Avec le Bat-rope! idea that i might accidentally come into contact giving said stuff a pretty wide berth, period [if with that fucking “Pretend We’re Dead” song i’ve misjudged the genre on my limited encoun- 9. ROACH Groovie Ghoulies one more time. I’ve been PRETENDING! I’ve ters, i apologize and await correction] [but Why She’s Sexy: Come on, if all vampire been PRETENDING!). What I’d Dress Her In: please do not break into my house and ass-fuck chicks were smiling, upbeat and friendly during Girly t-shirt, leg warmers. me, thank you]). Other than than, be ready, the whole process of being otherwordly, invul- baby, be ready. Nobody’s Perfect: Heinie nerable and beguiling, the world would be a 7. ELKA ZOLOT Spastics/Trashwomen appears constructed more for appeal to “urban” much better place. Nobody’s Perfect: Yeah, i Why She’s Sexy: Seems to pretty continually demographic. What I’d Dress Her In: 1970’s era can just see it now, Roach invites you up to her look like you wish more girls would look like Black Canary costume. Well, that or Phantom weird old house on the hill, and you think before you’re even aware that you wished more Lady (who is a completely different character you’re gonna be in for a swell evening of black girls looked like that; also has cool initials and than Phantom Girl). licorice and ouzo under a full moon, and next can play “Sling Rave Corvette.” Nobody’s thing you know Kepi jumps out of the broom Perfect: Three words: Shane White Germs. 13. CECELIA The No-Talents/Cece et ses closet or the wine cellar or a suit of armor or What I’d Dress Her In: Playboy™ Bunny suit, Ennuis something, clamps some manner of electrode- white sunglasses. Why She’s Sexy: This question is striking me as laden device on your head, then they strap you progressively stupider and stupider. Nobody’s onto some kinda sinister machine and put simi- 6. WENDY YAO Emily’s Sassy Lime Perfect: This stupid war has even stripped me of lar electrode-laden devices on their own heads, Why She’s Sexy: This girl is so beautiful that the ability to default to the usual “well, she is then pull some big switches and take turns when i saw her, she made me think in punctua- French” gags in good conscience. What I’d feasting on your life essence and vitality; thirty tion marks instead of words – like, you know, Dress Her In: I dunno, how does one say “Daisy days later the cops find you as a desiccated husk “...?!????!!!!?!!?!!!!” – and THEN when i got to Duke” en Francais? Alternate Answer: “Gimme who appears to have died of old age while Kepi see her undies while she was drumming, i was Whipped Cream.” and Roach are out playing racquetball or some- thinking in punctuation marks, AND in bold, thing. I know a little bit about how the world AND with more exclamation points – 12. NIKKI CORVETTE Nikki & the works, lady! What I’d Dress Her In: Spacesuit, “..??!!!!?!??!?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” – and then, of Corvettes with helmet and antennae. course, when she and her band were sitting Why She’s Sexy: Belated role model and/or around my living room taping my Ohio Express aesthetic template for a full latter-day regiment 8. TOMOKO Supersnazz/Tweezers records, i could only think in dashes “———!” of tight-jeans-and-horizontally-striped-top- Why She’s Sexy: Being in both the all-time – and, finally, when everyone got ready for bed wearing Rock Nubiles! Nobody’s Perfect: greatest Japanese chick-punk band (that i can and she came out of the bathroom in raging full- Thinks Kid Rock is cool and sexy. Actually, i think of) and the all-time greatest Japanese on PAJAMAS, i couldn’t think at all, and just guess he is – after all, he does take de southern, power pop band (that i can think of) pretty choked out a few asterisk noises before running ROCK, and then he mix it wit de hip, HOP. I much punches my groupie ticket just on princi- the other way in mortal panic, lest my vast retract the allegation! What I’d Dress Her In: ple, but the fact that she is depicted on the back unworthiness make itself manifest to even You totally know that if you went on a date with of the Tweezers album in a (black) shirt and greater extent. I think she might come equipped Nikki Corvette and she didn’t dress pretty much (white) tie (a color combination that looks total- with some kinda aura of bluebirds, duckies and exactly like she did in 1981, you’d be, like, ly inane on males) pretty much guarantees her bunnies perennially orbiting about her person, bummed – potentially to the max! she-is-to-die-for-ness for life. Nobody’s but i’m not sure, because i tried to kind of avert Perfect: Regardless of what preconceptions i my eyes whenever possible so as not to get 11. TUULI may or may not have formed regarding certain turned into a pillar of salt (hey, i’m just as dis- Why They’re Sexy: Slim, gorgeous rock waifs anatomical aspects of the Japanese male vis-a- appointed as anyone that i couldn’t get a more who wear just enough pink to get the point vis their island nation’s pornography, the fact salacious yarn out of the time that three Asian across (i’m not sure what exactly “the point” is that she dated/dates/whatever a member (uh...if girls, myself, and a member of Bikini Kill spent – something about being pinker than me; cer- you’ll pardon the... oh, never mind) of the night under the same roof, although that tainly pink to Bob), yet rock hard enough that Teengenerate cannot help but make one feel a night is the night when i logged my perhaps rb when you and the Dragons convince them that copious dollop of inadequacy. What I’d Dress more-than-mortal observation that amplifiers, ø they should walk down to the strip bar with you, Her In: Black shirt. White tie. Or maybe just and the dimensions thereof, are to the female you’re not particularly shocked when they black shirt. Or, then again, maybe just white tie. genitalia what cars and guitars are assumed to accept (let the record show that hot pink girls Or, hmm, no, white tie with black thigh-high be to that of the male’s. And i think they were look a lot cooler when they hold a dollar bill in boots and that’s it. Yeah. Oh, and a gun and an like 50 watt amps or something, so... you their teeth and the dancer comes around and eyepatch. know). Nobody’s Perfect: Band maybe shoulda
Rev. N collects the tip via samwiching it between her just sold empty LP jackets with their photos on boobs and pulling it out than guys do doing it). 7.5 JANIS TANAKA Stone Fox/Auntie Christ the front. What I’d Dress Her In: My God... Also, when i told the singer that the band name Why She’s Sexy: This double duty Asiatic cutie those PJ’s..! I am unclean! I am unclean! looked like one of the first two scrambled words first came out and played a set with her, i dunno, in Jumble™, she knew what i meant and agreed “rock” band, then followed that by playing bass 5. SPIKE Supersnazz with me (though unscrambling “TUULI” for the Exene/D.J. Bonebrake-infused Auntie Why She’s Sexy: ‘Cause she’s a goddamn proved eminently fruitless). Nobody’s Perfect: Christ thing – meaning that i got to essentially kamikaze sparkplug, dynamo or mitochondrion Something about the one ex-boyfriend buying got to stand directly in front of her and ogle for of Relentless and Jubilant Rock Intensity, that’s plane tickets in order to come out and play like two hours straight, making her very possi- why! And whom amongst us can refrain from drums on their tour as some form of Extended bly the girl whom i have stared at for the longest speculation on what the results might indeed be Stalk kinda creeped me out a twinge. What I’d almost-uninterrupted interval, ever (‘cept for if said Relentless and Jubilant Rock Energy Dress Them In: ’70s/’80s era Saturn Girl cos- maybe figure drawin’ class or something, but spilled over in various other undertakings? Plus, tumes. F-u-u-u-u-u-uck yes! that’s art, and this is ROCK). And, inasmuch in every photo taken of her, she’s secretly mak- that pretty much anyone would come off a hot- ing goo-goo eyes at me (although i am sure she 10. LILI Z. The No-Talents/Splash Four tie if they were standing stage right of Exene will deny this). Further, if she ever plays guitar, Why She’s Sexy: I had spent much of my life- Cervenka (loaves of white bread, Woolworth’s i bet she’s got about a 20 watt amp, max. time contemplating the theoretical question of cosmetics), i can tell you that i stared at this girl Nobody’s Perfect: Might be short. What I whether or not Ian Hunter would be sexy if he long enough to discover that she’s even got sexy Would Dress Her In: Since i already took was actually a hot French chick who played gui- armpits (ooh, wait – do armpits look like pussy? “Catholic Schoolgirl Uniform” beforehand, i tar and recorded heply primitive solo records in i may be on to another brilliant declaration of will modify that logical request by saying “Custom Designed Catholic Schoolgirl stand it, sisters, you will be absolutely para- 1. GOD DAMN MOTHER FUCKIN’ Uniform Made Out of The Same Gross Red lyzed by the fact that HERE, IN ONE PLACE, JOAN JETT! Stuff They Make Edible Panties Out Of.” AT ONE TIME, stand THREE of the type of Why She’s Sexy: Cause she’s GOD DAMN human you would consider yourself lucky to MOTHER FUCKIN’ JOAN JETT, ASS- 4. DONNA R The Donnas encounter ONCE in your life. Damn you, John HOLE!!! She is a ROCK GODDESS practical- Why She’s Sexy: Come on, man, that Derriere Sebastian, free me from your stoopid song!!! ly by DEFINITION OF THE TERM!!! ‘Cause Unit was surely hand-turned upon the lathe of Nobody’s Perfect: I heard they have some kinda she’s got ULTRA-MEGA-BEWITCHIN’ mighty Zeus himself! (i have a feeling that, if i weird phobia about germs, and i’m obviously EYES that make Donna R’s peepers look like were ever called upon by the American People fucking filthy. What I’d Dress Them In: Exotic Sammy Davis Jr.’s by comparison!!! ‘Cause to put Operation: Donna R. Liberation [I’m not lingerie and a plastic bubble! she’s got washboard abs that make Cheryl Tiegs invading, i’m liberating! Don’t you feel better (circa 1978) look like a member of the already?] into play, there might be a few unfor- 3. REUTER SUYS Nashville Pussy Shaggs!!! ‘CAUSE NO ONE ELSE ON THE tunate instances where a certain metaphorical Why She’s Sexy: Contorted herself into immod- PLANET CAN WEAR LEATHER PANTS cruise missile goes astray from its allegedly est rock postures whilst adorned in not only the WITHOUT SOME MANNER OF AT LEAST intended target of Vaghdad and instead strikes haircut o’The Nuge, not only the hip-huggers o’ MILD JUSTIFICATION!!! ‘Cause she looks the no-fly zone to the south – likely resulting in The Nuge, but in the brassiere o’ The Nuge as HOT in a bleached blonde crewcut!!! ‘Cause some injured and screaming women and chil- well! Then made out with Cherokee Parks’ sis- she looks hot NOT in a bleached blonde crew- dren)! Zeus also did a very nice job on the eye- ter during guitar solos on a nightly basis! Works cut!!! ‘Cause “Bad Reputation” only has three
balls. Nobody’s Perfect: Might request listening for me! Nobody’s Perfect: Road miles, firearms. chords in it!!! Wait, i forgot about the key to Mötley Crüe or something else yucky whilst What I’d Dress Her In: Rhythm Chicken head, change!!! ‘Cause if it weren’t for her all the Rev. N “doing it.” What I’d Dress Her In: I’d say the hiphuggers. chicks in bands would be trying to look like American Teenage Rock ‘n’ Roll Machine-era Tina Weymouth or somebody!!! And, most pink “Donna R” t-shirt – with or without the 2. KIM SHATTUCK The Beards/The Muffs MYSTIFYIN’ OF ALL, because SHE DIDN’T pink vinyl pants – oughtta ‘bout do it. Actually, Why She’s Sexy: This was covered in such ACTUALLY LOOK THAT HOT WHEN SHE
since a photograph i once shot made it look like embarrassingly excruciating detail in the ‘90s WAS SIXTEEN, and now she’s in her forties ø
her shirt said “Donna F” (which is, in fact, not that i don’t even think we really need to bother and TOTALLY! FUCKING! KICKS! MY!! rb the case), and i, in fact, publicly uttered misdi- to go into it, but one thing i noticed since then ASS!!! Also because Blender didn’t have her in rected lascivious comments in the name of the is that she always has a very nice haircut (fur- the “Rock Goddess 50” at all, so one would wrong Donna as a result, maybe i’d dress her in ther, when my band and i once claimed igno- imagine my public correction of their heinous the yellow American Teenage Rock ‘n’ Roll rance of the meaning of the term “camel toe,” oversight will shame them into discontinuing Machine era “Donna F” shirt instead. It’d cer- she quickly furthered our education most mem- their publication without undue delay. tainly get the neighbors talking. orably). Nobody’s Perfect: This girl strikes me Nobody’s Perfect: Might be short, and, uh, per- as “high maintenance” in ways i’ve never even haps somewhat uninterested in the goods and 3.5 THE EYELINERS bothered to conceive of yet. What I’d Dress Her services i have to offer (don’t worry, ma’am, Why They’re Sexy: These are three of the In: Julie Newmar-era Catwoman costume from i’m not above ordering out for specialists in hottest, nicest, coolest female quasi-Ramone- Batman TV show. these cases). What I’d Dress Her In: Saliva. rockers i’ve ever stumbled across in all my years of scientific inquiry; their swell live show ...and, the moment you’ve all been waiting for... Thanks for the letter! more than makes up for the fact that i’ve kinda the god-damn-mother-fuckin’ SEXIEST Love, never really thought much of their records, their WOMAN IN ROCK AND ROLL TODAY... Nørb pleasant and charming demeanor more than OUR SURVEY SAYS: makes up for the fact that they come from Keep Those Cards And Letters Coming, Folks: Albuquerque (a city, mind, you, whose Chuck Rev. Nørb, POB 1173, Green Bay WI 54305 E. Cheese has NO FUCKING TUBES – i mean, 1. MEG WHITE The White Stripes! USA Earth, or [email protected]! what the fuck kinda Chuck E. Cheese ain’t got Uh, not. Thank you and good night. tubes???), but nothing compensates for the fact that if you spend any time with these, as i under- Kidding aside, OUR SURVEY SAYS: 23 Nardwuar the Human Serviette vs Elijah Wood
Nardwuar: Who are you? I was eight years old, and it was one “assumed name.” I won’t give it Scraaaaaatch. Elijah Wood : I’m not really sure. of the first movies I ever did, actu- away… Nardwuar: So they provided you Nardwuar: You’re Elijah Wood! ally, and it was cool, man. I was on, Elijah: Yeah, yeah, yeah, the with Trail of Dead records. Elijah: Yeah, yeah. like, this futuristic set, and I played Sutton Place seems to be little Elijah: They did, yes! And Clinic Nardwuar: Frodo! a kid trying to work Duck Hunt. Hollywood. and all sorts of other things as well. Elijah: Yeah, otherwise known as Remember the old video game, Nardwuar: That’s what I was curi- And two White Stripes bootlegs. Elwood by friends. Duck Hunt? You don’t remember ous about. Who have you, like, Nardwuar: Really? And what Nardwuar: And what the hell are Duck Hunt? bumped into since you’ve been in other sort of music are you into? you doing right here? You were DJ- Nardwuar: No I don’t, help me. town here Elijah? ‘Cause, like, people are probably ing tonight, Elijah. Elijah: Aren’t you a child of the Elijah: Who have I bumped into… gonna freak out when they find out Elijah: I was DJ-ing the wrap party ‘80s, or the ‘70s? I’ve seen a lot of actors, none that I you’re into the White Stripes or of a movie that a bunch of us filmed Nardwuar: Maybe the ‘60s, eh? can name… you’re into the Sonics. Are you the here in Vancouver, called Try [laughs] Nardwuar: Like, Ivana Trump was only Hollywood dude into the Seventeen. Elijah: No! in there? Sonics? Nardwuar: So, Elijah, you were in Nardwuar: How old are you, by Elijah: She was! Elijah: Maybe. I hear that’s your Back to the Future II. Back to the the way, Elijah? Nardwuar: What the hell’s going favorite band. Future II! Elijah: How old are you? on there, Elijah? Nardwuar: They are! I love the Elijah: Not many people know Nardwuar: How old are you Elijah: Franka Potente, who was Sonics! this. Nardwuar, you’ve done your Elijah? working in the movie as well, spot- Elijah: The Sonics are awesome! homework. Elijah: [very geeky laugh] I’m 21. ted her. I didn’t notice her, but she Nardwuar: Are there any closet Nardwuar: I’m very excited by Nardwuar: Welcome to spotted her. punkers in Hollywood? Have you Back to the Future, though, because Vancouver, British Columbia, Nardwuar: So who have you come across anybody with cool did you realize Crispin Glover was Canada. bumped into in the lobby, you music tastes – ‘cause I understand shooting a movie in town just Elijah: Thank you. know, in the Sutton Place. Must be you want to take your music tastes recently? Nardwuar: So, Back to the Future some people… and even turn it into a record label. Elijah: No! II. Crispin Glover was in town. You Elijah: Oh man… trying to think! Elijah: I’d love to, eventually Nardwuar: Shooting the movie could have had a little reunion with I’ve bumped into people but I’ve yeah…I don’t know many actors Willard. He was in Back to the him. He was shooting the movie not said anything to them. I tend to who are that into music, to be hon- Future… Willard. keep to myself. [laughs] est. Elijah: Two? Elijah: I could have, but I don’t Nardwuar: You’ve done a lot of… Nardwuar: You also went to some Nardwuar: He was in Back to the think he would have remembered Elijah: I’m terribly boring. gigs here, too. The Von Bondies! Future I. me. I worked for a day. Nardwuar: You’ve done a lot of Elijah: The Von Bondies! And, the Elijah: Oh. Nardwuar: What exactly were you exploring of record stores, though. Soledad Brothers who opened up Nardwuar: I think he was in Back doing again? You were just playing Sing the praises of Scratch Records for them, who I think are better. to the Future II and he had to sue to a video game, that’s it? if you could. Nardwuar: Really? You heard it get himself out of it. Elijah: Trying to work an old video Elijah: Oh, absolutely. Do you here first, from Elijah Wood! Elijah: Yes, he was, he was. game in a thing called the “Café want me to literally sing? I can. Elijah: Oh, God, I hope they don’t Nardwuar: So, what were you ‘80s.” Nardwuar: Oh, if you could. hear that. I’d… oh, that’s terrible. doing in Back to the Future II, Nardwuar: Now you’re in Please, Elijah. Nardwuar: Okay, well what else Elijah? That’s pretty strange. You Vancouver, British Columbia, Elijah: [sings] Scratch [sings an would you like to sing the praises must’ve been very young. Canada, and you were staying at octave higher] Scraaaatch [sings of there Elijah, like what other Elijah: I was young. the Sutton Place Hotel under a little another octave higher] music did you pick up in 24 Vancouver? What other gigs did Pumpkins? film that is! Nardwuar: I love when you open you go to? Elijah: She hates Billy Corgan. Elijah: Amazing. Amazing. And the paper it has… “He’s the Lord Elijah: Ummm… I haven’t been to She used to represent Billy Corgan Heavenly Creatures, for that mat- of… any other gigs. That’s the only gig I and now hates him. But I actually ter. Brilliant. He’s a brilliant direc- Elijah: …The Rink.” They just got to make it to, but… other went and saw Zwan that night, tor. love to do those cheesy tag lines in bands… you know, I’d love to give which is Billy Corgan’s new band. Nardwuar: It’s made all out of relation to that film don’t they? It’s some press to Verbena, I’m a huge Nardwuar: Elijah Wood, here in puppets, Meet the Feebles, isn’t it? fantastic. In fact, I saw an ad for Verbena fan. Do you know Vancouver, British Columbia, Do you know where he keeps those tires the other day, which said Verbena? Canada, did you see that the Fox puppets? “Lord of the Rims.” An ad! A big Nardwuar: No, I don’t. Explain Cinema had a little presentation of Elijah: They’re all housed in the billboard ad! They… them to me, please, Elijah Wood. Nardwuar: That would be a good Elijah: [stifling a laugh] They are a name for a porno wouldn’t it? band from Alabama. They’re very Elijah: [chuckles] Yeah, right. blues-y, kind of rock’n’roll. They Lord of the Rim. Yes. put out an album in 1997 called Nardwuar: Elijah Wood is a great ummm… Souls for Sale. It’s bril- porno name, isn’t it? liant. And the record after that, Into Elijah: [laughs] Is it? the Pink, was produced by Dave Nardwuar: Like, Elijah Wood that Grohl, of Foo Fighters and Nirvana would be a great name. fame. Elijah: Oh, the “Wood” yes. Yes it Nardwuar: For Try Seventeen, is. Elijah, are you going to have any Nardwuar: Like Elijah… input on the soundtrack? Elijah: I saw an ad for tires the Elijah: I don’t know whether to be Elijah: Believe me, if there’s any- offended or to go with that, but I thing I can say about it, it’s not other day, which said “Lord understand… going to be terrible. Nardwuar: “Elijah, teach me Nardwuar: Have there been any of the Rims.” An ad. A big about your sword.” movies you’ve had input in? billboard ad! They… Elijah: Yes. [stifles a laugh] Elijah: Umm… no, no, there has- Nardwuar: “And your little n’t, but I – I plan to do something Nardwuar: That would be a stinger.” with this, hopefully. Elijah: Yes. [stifles a laugh] Nardwuar: Now, you don’t like good name for a porno Nardwuar: But, I was just curious. metal do you? ’ ? Can you comment on what’s it like Elijah: Metal? wouldn t it when you roll into town. You go to Nardwuar: I heard you don’t like Elijah: [chuckles] Yeah, right. the hockey game, which I also heavy metal. understand you were a bit repulsed Elijah: I like old metal. Lord of the Rim. Yes. by – it was a bit rough, wasn’t it for Nardwuar: But I heard you don’t you? like heavy metal or country music Nardwuar: Elijah Wood is a Elijah: Uhh, it was a sad game. or rap. great porno name, isn’t it? Sad game. Sad to see Vancouver Elijah: Oh no, that’s old news. I lose the title. love rap… Elijah: [laughs] Is it? Nardwuar: But did you realize Nardwuar: I’m glad you’ve that you’d be, like, photographed in changed. Nardwuar: Like, Elijah Wood the box. Did you think that was a Elijah: Yes, uh… I love country, that would be a great name. private box? actually. Old country. And heavy Elijah: Oddly enough, it was a metal… Black Sabbath is probably Elijah: Oh, the “Wood” yes. press box we were sitting in, so we where my heavy metal… were kind of asking for it, I guess, Nardwuar: Exactly, that’s what I Yes it is. but for some reason you just was going to ask you about… assume that you have some anan- Elijah: Yeah. Meet the Feebles? WETA effects building. WETA is a ana-ananominity… anonymity? Nardwuar: I was going to ask you Elijah: No! When? company that he made with Yeah, anonymity. Umm… but about the Osbournes, like how Nardwuar: Yes, the Fox Cinema, Richard Taylor, back during Meet yeah, I don’t know. It’s weird to see could you hate metal and you were an old porno theater in Vancouver – the Feebles. So, they’re all there. that. on the Osbournes? actually, they do the porno during They’re all in New Zealand. Nardwuar: Have a lot of people Elijah: I love the Osbournes. the week – and they do Criminal Nardwuar: So, does he shower come by the set of the movie? I Nardwuar: Now, when you got on Cinema on the weekends, and they much? heard, like, about a thousand kids that show, did you ever think it had a special exclusive of Peter Elijah: [chuckles] Ummm… have come by the set of the movie. would end up being the number one Jackson’s Meet the Feebles. [laughing] Yes, yes he does. I think I know we’re bugging you here at rated show in America? Elijah: Oh my god! he has to! He works very hard. the wrap party of Try Seventeen, Elijah: I wasn’t surprised! [laughs] Nardwuar: What can you tell the Nardwuar: Elijah Wood, you’ve but did a lot of kids come by the They’re absolutely fascinating to people about Meet the Feebles and been here in Vancouver, British set? watch and to be a part of. They’re Peter Jackson, Elijah? Columbia, Canada, working on the Elijah: A lot of kids. great people. Elijah: Well, Meet the Feebles is movie Try Seventeen and I was Nardwuar: Like a thousand kids? Nardwuar: On that particular basically the Muppets on acid. wondering if you’d like to com- Elijah: Maybe if you counted them episode, you were cleaning up, was Uhhh… ment at all – if you could hold this all throughout the entire filming it, dog urine? Nardwuar: The Muppets doing please [Nardwuar hands Elijah a schedule, probably. Elijah: Dog urine. Yeah. One of the porn. newspaper clipping], Elijah, on the Nardwuar: And they were all – they’ve got many dogs that like to Elijah: And that as well… and eat- cover of the Province newspaper looking for your autograph. shit and urinate everywhere. And ing shit and all sorts of other won- here, and if you notice the headline, Elijah: Yeah. [stifles a laugh] uh… yeah. They urinated on the derful things. It’s a really early what does the headline there say? Nardwuar: Were they all dressed couch so I had to clean up. movie of Peter Jackson’s, and it’s Elijah: [cheesy announcer voice] as hobbits too, or what was… Were Nardwuar: And you ended up all Muppet sort of stuff. Uhhh… “Hobbit and friend snug- there any interesting people who going to a Smashing Pumpkins gig, Nardwuar: How the hell did he get gle at game! Lord of the Rings showed up there? which is pretty ironic, too, because Lord of the Rings out of Meet the Elijah Wood and actor Franka Elijah: Well, they were all – inci- doesn’t Sharon Osbourne hate the Feebles? What an amazing indie Potente step out for the playoffs.” dentally, they were 25 all Catholic school girls. thankfully. like? That’s the important thing. Elijah: Uh… thirty-five? Twenty- Nardwuar: Which is very conve- Nardwuar: [laughing] What do the Franka: Too much art! one. nient for you. boys usually look like? Elijah: It was very 1970s, uh… Nardwuar: And how old is Elijah: [chuckles] I don’t know. Elijah: Oh… [laughs] Franka: Too much, too much! Blondie? [giggles] Nardwuar: Aside from me. Elijah: [geeky laugh] Elijah: I’m not really… Nardwuar: What other stuff did Elijah: [laughing] Umm… I don’t Franka: Nice, nice art. He had a Nardwuar: Fifty-seven. they present you with? remember. Brillo box from Andy Warhol. Elijah: Is she? Elijah: [still giggling] What’s that? Nardwuar: How far did they trav- Elijah: He did. That was very cool. Nardwuar: Like, you have a wet Nardwuar: What other stuff did el from, these people, to get your Franka: I was impressed by that. dream fantasy scene with Blondie. they present you with? Like, did autograph? Nardwuar: A pillow box from That’s incredible Elijah! you get any neat gifts from them at Elijah: There were actually two Andy Warhol? Elijah: It was very surreal, it was all Elijah? girls who traveled – was it from Franka: Brillo box. [laughs] great. Elijah: Yeah well… there’s actual- Edmonton? Yeah, two girls drove Nardwuar: Shows how much I Nardwuar: And Try Seventeen is ly an interesting gift. Umm… from Edmonton to drive to the set know, eh? [laughs] about? [chuckles] you’ll remember this. to meet me, and then literally drove Franka: [laughs] Elijah: Try Seventeen is… oh my There was an interview that I had in right back home again. And I told Nardwuar: [to Franka] Were you God, it’s sort of a coming of age Rolling Stone magazine… them, I said, “So you’ve driven all “discovered” in, like, a washroom? story about this kid named Jones, Nardwuar: Where you mentioned the way from Edmonton. Are you Franka: Yes, I was. who moves to a house which is The Sea and Cake? basically sublet into various apart- Elijah: Yes! Which I love! ments, and the story is basically Nardwuar: It’s amazing to give about the relationship he has with them props! Nardwuar: Jean Chretien. Actually I the tenants of this house and what Elijah: Aww, massive props. that does to his life and how that Nardwuar:: And the Hives, too! asked that to Dan Quayle and he didn’t changes his life. You know, the Elijah: Yeah, massive props! Good journey that that takes him on, basi- things! know who the Prime Minister of cally. Nardwuar: And Amoeba Records Canada was either. Must have been like Nardwuar: Where does the wet in LA! dream sequence fit into everything? Elijah: GOOD THINGS! Have the curse of the Lays commercial you There’s a lot of jizzing and wet you been there? dreaming going on, isn’t there Nardwuar: No, I’ve been to the were in with Dan Quayle. Elijah? one in San Francisco and Berkeley Elijah: Well there… there certainly but not the LA one. is with Blondie. She plays a charac- Elijah: LA! gonna be in Vancouver for a couple Nardwuar: Like some guy fol- ter named Mom who is very volup- Nardwuar: I would love to hook of days and enjoy the city?” and lowed you in there? tuous and very forward that Jones up with you and go record shop- they’re like, “No, we’re gonna get Franka: Some girl followed me, a dreams about, yeah. ping. I understand you know all the right back home,” and I was like, casting agent followed me. Nardwuar: And you are the guy clerks there, too. “Well, at least make it worth your Nardwuar: And now you’re here who dreams about her? Elijah: [laughs] I, well… while.” with Elijah Wood, starring in the Elijah: Yes, I am. Nardwuar: We could go to the Nardwuar: [people start to appear movie Try… Nardwuar: And you actually got Pasadena swap meet together, too! in the kitchen] And here we have Elijah: Seventeen! to make out with her as well? Elijah: There you go! Anyway, co-stars from your movie. Nardwuar: [to Elijah] You like Elijah: Yes, I did. Yeah. [geeky what was I talking about? Elijah: Yes. sandwiches, don’t you? giggle] Nardwuar: You were talking about Nardwuar: Introduce them, Elijah: I love sandwiches. How Nardwuar: Continuing on here the Rolling Stone article. About the please, if you could there, Elijah does he know?! Elijah Wood, I was curious, and gift. Wood. Nardwuar: What type of sand- again we’re backstage here with Elijah: So all right, all right, so, the Elijah: Oh, oh sorry that’s my job. wiches do you like? Like, I love Elijah Wood, backstage at the gift. So in the Rolling Stone article, This is Franka Potente, and then cheese. Section Three in Vancouver, British I mentioned this thing about Viggo here we have Jessica who – who Elijah: I know you like cheese. Columbia, Canada, at the wrap Mortensen who was in Lord of the provided fantastic wardrobe for the You know, I love Club Sandwiches. party for Try… Rings with me, and he had this fas- movie. Those are my favorite. Elijah: Seventeen. cination with the word cunt. I don’t Nardwuar: And these are all the Franka: With my salami… Nardwuar: With Lord of the know if this is going to air on tele- people gathered together here at Elijah: Well she, she made this Rings, you all got group tattoos, vision. I don’t know if you can say Section Three… fantastic thing, the salami bagel didn’t you? that, but anyway, I described this Elijah: This is Charles, the writer with – basically it’s margarine, Elijah: We did, yeah. story. The word kind of became a of the film… salami, and a toasted bagel. Nardwuar: You can’t show me joke on the set and so these girls, Someone in the background: Is Unbelievable. your group tattoo from Lord of the who had read the article, brought there anything to eat back here? Franka: We all enjoyed the salami Rings ‘cause it’s in an awkward me a t-shirt that said “cunt-couver.” Elijah: [laughing] This is Julie bagel. place, right Prince Albert? Nardwuar: Woah! from production. This is all the Elijah [to Franka]: I think you Elijah: It is. It’s in a, it’s in a, lower Elijah: I’ll never – I’ll never wear people from Try Seventeen. should patent that. region. But we, yeah we all got tat- that shirt, just so you know. Franka: We want to be on TV, too! Nardwuar: One day on the set of toos. It’s elvish for nine. It means Nardwuar: It’s your influence. Nardwuar: So, did you also ven- Try Seventeen, I understand the nine members of the fellow- You’re a role model. ture to Douglas Coupland’s house Blondie visited. ship. Elijah: [serious] That’s terrible, for dinner? Elijah: This is true. Nardwuar: So will everybody for though [chuckles], to influence Elijah: I was at Douglas Nardwuar: And what exactly did Try Seventeen be getting tattoos at girls with something like that. But Coupland’s house for dinner, yeah. Blondie do, Franka, there with your all there, Elijah Wood? anyway, that was their idea of being Nardwuar: And what was that friend Elijah Wood? Elijah: [laughs] I don’t think so! “in on the joke” but I think it like? Franka: She fucking kissed him. Maybe down the road. offended more Vancouver-ites than Franka: Ohhhh, I don’t know. He And I wasn’t there you know. Nardwuar: Tell me about Paula I thought. didn’t even cook, he didn’t Voice in Background: That bitch! Abdul. Nardwuar: And some of the girls, change… I don’t know, he was a [Franka then laughs] Elijah: The first job I ever had was or people, or boys… were there nice guy. Nardwuar: Elijah what was it like a Paula Abdul video for “Forever many boys who came by to get Elijah: He’s a nice guy, he’s a great making out with Blondie? That’s Your Girl.” your autograph at all, Elijah? writer. incredible! Like how old are you Nardwuar: And what did you do? 26 Elijah: Not many, Julie: So, what did his house look Elijah again? Elijah: I played an executive at a table, and I broke a pencil because Franka: No. Nardwuar: And I was watching Nardwuar: The show, yeah, Mr. I was angry and depressed that I’d, Nardwuar: No training? you on the TV as well. Now, what’s Show, yeah. uh, ended a relationship. Franka: No. I smoke too much. the deal with Ian McKellan holding Elijah: Yeah. Have you ever inter- Nardwuar: And how old were [laughs] his boyfriend’s hand and you look- viewed David Cross? you? Nardwuar: I mean, right now ing away? Nardwuar: No, I have not. Elijah: Eight. And David Fincher you’ve got a movie coming up with Franka: [to Elijah] Did you look Elijah: Good guy. You should try directed the video. Matt Damon? away? and interview him if he comes to Nardwuar: Winding up here, with Franka: Yeah. The Bourne Elijah: I looked away? Vancouver. But David Cross is a Elijah Wood, tell me this, working Identity. Nardwuar: There was a shot of big, kind of, punk fan. with Dan Quayle… Nardwuar: Now what’s this about you, Elijah. You were looking away Nardwuar: The Goonies. Sean Elijah: Yes! In the Wavy Lays the sex scenes being edited out of from Ian McKellan when he was Astin… commercial! the movie? How dare they! holding his boyfriend’s hand. And I Elijah: I know where you’re going Nardwuar: Potato chips. Franka: You and your papers! guess I was just curious of what with this! Elijah: Yes, that’s right. For the There’s actually, you know what, I was going though your mind at that Nardwuar: The Goonies! Super Bowl commercial. That was don’t know, there’s no sex scene time. Elijah: [laughs] Incredible! Sean good fun. though. There’s a kissing scene… Elijah: I think what was going Astin! Awesome. One of my all- Nardwuar: Super time favorite movies. Bowl? Nardwuar: And that Elijah: It was a Super means you’re connected to Bowl commercial, yeah. ET and Star Wars. He was a good sport. Elijah: [laughs] Yes I am, ‘Cause it was the whole I guess. potato joke, because he Nardwuar: So there’s a had misspelled potato connection between Elijah and put an ‘e’ on it in a Wood, ET and Star Wars classroom, so it was a and Lord of the Rings. I way to poke fun at him mean, you’ve got it all! and he dealt with it very Elijah: That’s pretty cool. well. He was a good guy. I can quit my job now. Nardwuar: Elijah Nardwuar: And in the Wood, I know you’re movie, Lord of the Rings, kind of bored of the is there a scene where you Rings, bored of the can be seen in your brown Rings, but can I ask you shoes? something about Lord of Elijah: I never wore the Rings? shoes. Elijah: Sure. Nardwuar: I thought Nardwuar: Have there there was, like, a scene been any games associ- where you were wearing ated with Lord of the shoes, like if you look Rings? Like drinking really closely, you can see games. I’ve heard that brown shoes. there’s some drinking games, like Nardwuar: I heard it was edited through my mind was, “Oh my Elijah: It may have been… scale every time like a hobbit cries, out! I wanted to see you have sex God, there’s another two hours of doubles, ‘cause we had people who there’s a drinking game. with Matt Damon! this.” were really small… Elijah: Is there? Franka: I want to see that too! But Nardwuar: Did you notice Jello Nardwuar: What, they were paid Nardwuar: Yeah, have you learned we never shot it! [laughs] Biafra at the Oscars? scale to be your double? about this sort of thing? Nardwuar: Oh damn! Elijah: Was he there? Elijah: No, just really small people Elijah: No. I’m sure there’s a… Elijah: I-I-I have no comment on Nardwuar: He was played in a lit- who were of scale for the hobbits. there’s a whole subculture of Lord that. I don’t particularly want to see tle clip beforehand, one of those lit- Nardwuar: How could they be – I of the Rings that I don’t know that, so… tle vignettes. Jello Biafra was at the mean, no offense Elijah – but how about. Nardwuar: Elijah Wood, Try Oscars. could they be smaller than you? Nardwuar: Now, Franka Potente, Seventeen is the movie you’re Elijah: Oh, he was in those, those ‘Cause you’re pretty small. you’re also in the movie Try pumping now, however, the movie things talking about movies and Elijah: I am pretty small Seventeen, are you not? Lord of the Rings still rings strong stuff. Nardwuar… Franka: No. [laughs] with a lot of people. Some Tolkien Nardwuar: Isn’t that incredible? Nardwuar: Would they have… Nardwuar: Yes, you are. Please fans have said, “I’ve stopped trying Jello Biafra was there. Elijah: [sulky voice] Thank you for don’t try to get out of it that way. to figure out Elijah Wood. He sim- Elijah: Oh, God bless Jello. mentioning that. Now, what was it like working in ply is ‘too weird.’” Nardwuar: He’s in your record Nardwuar: I didn’t mean to. I Blow with Pee-Wee Herman and Elijah: I take that as a compliment. collection, too, isn’t he? mean, uh, sorry you’re big. Yeah, I Anastasia Blue? I like being too weird. Elijah: Uh, I don’t actually have mean, uh. I’m, uh, well, actually, Franka: Anastasia who? Nardwuar: What is your relation- any Dead Kennedys in my record I… Nardwuar: Anastasia Blue, the ship with those super-dooper collection, which is terrible. Elijah: I’ve accepted it. It’s fine porn star. You worked with, like, Tolkien fans? What is your rela- Nardwuar: We saw Fugazi Nardwuar. Pee-Wee Herman and a porn star, tionship with those people? tonight. I saw Fugazi’s CD tonight. Nardwuar: I’m 7 foot 5, so you’re Anastasia Blue, the ex-porn star in Elijah: Um… there’s really no Elijah: I do have some Fugazi. 6’1”. Yes. Blow. relationship, but uh… [laughs] no, Nardwuar: And are there many Elijah: Exactly. Franka: [laughs] Who did she I… look, I think we made a movie other punkers in Hollywood? I Nardwuar: Elijah Wood, winding play? that was for the fans, and any of asked this before, but I mean you up here, you’re in Vancouver shoot- Nardwuar: I’m not sure, but she their kind of appreciation for the know Jello at the Oscars, I mean, ing Try Seventeen. You’ve done a was in there! film and the books, I totally respect have you bumped into Rollins or lot of movies. It’s incredible. I just Franka: [laughs] Well, I didn’t and love, so… any of the other punkers or any- am so honored to speak to you! You meet her but Pee-Wee was cool. Nardwuar: At the Oscars this year, thing like that? were in Internal Affairs… Nardwuar: How much running did were you there, Franka? Elijah: I haven’t. But you know, do Elijah: This is true. you do for Run Lola Run? Did you Franka: I was watching Elijah on you know who David Cross is? Do Nardwuar: With Richard Gere. prepare a lot, did you run a lot? the TV in LA. you ever watch M… Now, I know that 27 movie because Richard Gere had and he wasn’t good. He was the Nardwuar: And all you got to be serving answer that’s gonna be. anal sex in that movie! nephew. What’s going on there? in were a Cranberries and Paula Ummm… I don’t know. Elijah: [shocked] He did? Why was it called The Good Son? Abdul video? Nardwuar: Because you know the Nardwuar: Yes, he did. Elijah: Uh… because he was the Elijah: [sulky voice] That’s true. Prime Minister of Canada. Elijah: I don’t remember that. son of his mother, and he uh, Nardwuar: So he’s kind of beat Elijah: Do I? Nardwuar: There was a scene of maybe it was The Good Son you there, but you’re gonna change Nardwuar: Yes, you do. him coming from behind! because I’m the good son? I don’t everything because aren’t you Elijah: I do? Elijah: Wow! I had no idea! Nardwuar: His name is… Nardwuar: Now you also were in Elijah: I don’t know. Black and White with Robert Nardwuar: Like, you have a wet dream Nardwuar: Jean… Downey… Elijah: Pierre? Elijah: Junior. fantasy scene with Blondie. That’s Nardwuar: Jean Chretien. Nardwuar: And you were in Elijah: Oh, okay. Paradise with Don Johnson! incredible Elijah! Nardwuar: Jean Chretien. Elijah: [chuckles] Yeah. Elijah: It was very surreal, it was great. Actually, I asked that to Dan Nardwuar: Now, what do you Quayle and he didn’t know who remember about Don Johnson and the Prime Minister of Canada was Robert Downey Jr.? know. going to start your own record either. Must have been like the Elijah: Uhh… Robert Downey Jr. Nardwuar: Did you go to his wed- company? curse of the Lays commercial you is a brilliant, uh… ding? Macaulay Culkin’s wedding. Elijah: I hope so. Yeah, I’d love to. were in with Dan Quayle. Nardwuar: Like the first thing Elijah: [stifling a laugh] No, no. I love music, so maybe, eventually. Elijah: Well, people should like that pops into your head about that Nardwuar: Have you been hang- Nardwuar: And well thank you me because I know Nardwuar now. movie. There must be some little ing out with him? very much, Elijah Wood. Anything Nardwuar: Well thanks very scene… Elijah: No, I haven’t seen him in else you’d like to add to the people much. Anything else you’d like to Elijah: Yeah! Well, there was a years. out there at all? add to the people out there Elijah? scene that was cut out of Black and Nardwuar: Are you jealous Elijah: Uhhh… I love BC Canada. Elijah: Nothing else. White where Robert Downey Jr. though, Elijah Wood, ‘cause I do. Nardwuar:: Try Seventeen! was actually masturbating to Macaulay Culkin got to be in a Nardwuar: For the record stores. Elijah: Try Seventeen. Michael Tyson. Sonic Youth video? Elijah: Just for the people. And it’s Nardwuar: Please try it. Nardwuar: You were also in The Elijah: Yes, that is pretty damn beautiful. And Vancouver’s a won- Elijah: Please? Good… cool. Off of, uh, which album? derful place. I’ve been here quite a Nardwuar: Keep on rocking the Elijah: Son. Nardwuar: “Sunday.” lot, so I love Vancouver. free world. And doot doola doot Nardwuar: With Macaulay… Elijah: Yes! And that was from Nardwuar: Well, thanks so much doo… Elijah: Culkin the… what, how, what record was Elijah Wood. Why should people Elijah: Doot doo. Nardwuar: Now, The Good Son, that? That was their last record. care about Elijah Wood? Why To hear this interview go to that’s a weird title isn’t it, because No, it was not their last record, should people care?
Fellatio’s: the candy bar that’s chock full of cream and nuts.
In a mad rush to fill my fading junkies or the politicians who say weekend with the last enjoyable they’ve found religion, but who do remnants of relaxing, mindless they think they’re fooling? Sure, humor, I settled into my couch for let’s use religion as a front so that Fox’s barrage of Sunday night TV. no one will ever suspect that I’m As I watched, I felt as though there smoking crack. To me, that’s blas- was an almost political and/or reli- phemy. If you remember in the Old gious theme going on. Testament, God was a real bad First off was King of the Hill. In dude. He’d burn you to ash just this was the religious theme. It because you forgot a step in the seemed that a bevy of men decided management of entering the holy to take up bible study at Luanne’s temple. In a way, I feel this is a pool. Now all the viewers knew poke at the current situation that that not a one of these guys was Mr. Bush has us in. That’s right, the there to get closer to God; they new holy war over the almighty were there to get closer to the biki- dollar, which both sides are cover- ni clad chick. It seems that the idea ing up behind God/Allah. A former was that people in general use God manager once told me that he for their own personal agendas. would not believe in anything that We’ve all seen this before, the was based solely on faith and that,
if you gave him something con- Mob against her when she turns off crete, then he’d give it a chance. all the lights. More of a correlation Yet, in today’s world there are to the war? Let’s see: mobs forming many who go in just the opposite just because? Who’s the biggest kid direction. on the playground? I’m telling you Anyway, the next show was Fox is up to something. The Simpson’s and I think we all Finally there’s the new show, know what these writers are capa- Oliver Beene, which plays the race ble of. This episode was filled with card. Granted this show takes place mob mentality and pecking order. in the ‘60s. I don’t quite understand There’s a scandalous director mak- making light of this subject given ing a documentary at Springfield the current global fragility. The Elementary and, after exposing show starts out by showing the Bart to be the lesser bully than black father giving his son a pep Nelson and the gang, the director talk not to take any shit from the actually puts Bart on the lowest white kids on his first day at school. rung of the playground. Yes, even Of course, the Beene kid is trying lower than Milhouse. At the same to clear a wall on the swings and time, the director has told Lisa she lands on the black kid when he has no direction, which sends her clears it. The black kid cries racism off to the museum to find her pas- and the Beene family tries to set sion to become an astronomy things right by inviting them over major, which makes her an activist for dinner. As things go, everyone against light pollution where, of has something in common and course, we find the Springfield everything is going fine until they catch the older brother with the sis- EVERYTHING CAN BE this is a collection of shorts that, for with the story. I found most of the ter and interracial fondling is taboo. BEATEN, $3.95 U.S. some reason or other, didn’t have stories to be disjointed and hard to Now, what I find humorous is that It seems as though one of the kids the right stuff or were unfinished or follow, like “Killing Time,” about the Beene family is Jewish, so from Nightmare before Christmas whatever so he decided to put them freaks and princes and witches with you’re talking about two supposed- has escaped and gone on a bloody together here. With that in mind a sheep that thought it was a flying ly persecuted groups. Now, maybe romp in the outside world. This, by you are free to read without the elephant. I wanted to like this, in my paranoid feelings toward the far, is one brutal comic. It is all in constraints of serious comic writ- because the artwork is well done, war, I’m reading too much into color to show all the blood. It ing, which makes some seem but the stories are just too wacky. Fox’s programming, but this is seems this little monster has been kiddy-humorous. For instance, the (Hardcut Publishing, P.O. Box what I see. In general, Sunday night confined to a room to mash the kit- short “Fellatio’s: the candy bar 291700, LA, CA 90029, is the only time I watch TV any- tens that come down a chute, with that’s chock full of cream and [email protected]) more, what with all that reality shit his hammer. Then, in his who-am- nuts.” Then, there are testimonials that flows down the airwaves, but I? pondering, he spots an open door from all the kids that are sexual HAMACHI GIRL don’t send me over the deep end. in the back of the room. He goes innuendoes. This one is a great way $?? Don’t take away my security blan- out and into a colorful world of to get reaction to low powered Didn’t think this one was going to ket. I need to laugh at something in happy creatures who want to ideas, or self believed low powered be special, but in a strange way, I a world where I’m slowly being become his friend, but he only ideas. With the fact that these shorts liked it. Maybe because it was forced to stay in the comfort of my knows one thing, so he starts are perceived as not that great, it’s straightforward and simple. It’s own home because someone out smashing everything in this world. easier to find the humor in them. So about a guy who owns a sushi shop there wants to kill me by associa- He smashes the trees, the creatures, I’m going to say run with this one. and his daily routine and the cus- tion. Why is it now that even the and even the clouds until all that is Hey! It’s free. (Horrendous Failure tomers who come into his shop. I cartoons and comedy programs are left is a barren wasteland of red. He Studios, http://failure.humpin.org, think most of all what attracts me reminding me of the world that I sits down to ponder all that has hap- [email protected]) about it is he likes it. He has found live in, even if it is a parody? Half pened, but mostly he just sits, for his niche in life. The drawings are empty or half full, whatever your millions of years pass and all the SYNTHETIC UNIVERSE #3 simple yet exact and the story thinking, let’s just be thankful that happy color comes back, so he $3.95U.S., $5.95CAN flows. It’s like a Japanese Cheers: a we can take a sip. Now that I got starts on his reign of terror again. All I can say is very bizarre. This is place you want to go to to just get that out of my system and I’ve had Then, in the middle of his hammer- a collection of short stories by one away. Hamachi girl is his favorite my Stuart Smally daily affirmation, ing, he muddles with the purpose of author. For the most part, we are customer and hence the title of the let’s do some comics. all that he’s doing and stops and thrown around future, present, and comic. Maybe it appeals to me goes back to his room of kittens past. The first story is called because these people are the people PUBO #1 where he finds that in his absence “Thrifting in the 2020’s” and, who shop at my store, and I care to $2.99 U.S., $4.99 CAN he was replaced. He thinks that it apparently, hair is a bad thing in the take the time to joke with them or I’ve got to be honest, the cover will be great to have another to future. It’s basically about a girl share a story. I think that’s why this made me get this one. That and the share his experiences with, when with a mixed up sex life, but there is likeable. (E-Z Cheese Comics, title. Come on, Pubo a guy with all of the sudden, the other whacks are all sorts of disconnection’s [email protected]) heat miser hair, big lips, hands, and him with an axe. Let me tell you, thrown in that have nothing to do –Gary Hornberger big feet all in a two foot frame, talk- this is no kid’s story. Visually, this ing to a butterfly who says, “You book can give grownups night- funny looking, fellah-man.” That mares. However you interpret this wouldn’t make you interested? It story, you feel remorse for every seems Pubo is for Physically character in it. Even after reading it Unipolar Biogenic Organism. In twice, I can’t make a call for or other words, he’s a lab rat. He’s against. It’s like a car wreck: it’s being transported on a airplane horrific yet you can’t look away. with a couple of industry goons Visually the artwork is stunning yet who foolishly open the door and the story is heart wrenching, so I’m Pubo makes a jump with the only just going to say read at your own parachute onboard, landing some- risk. (SLG Publishing, P.O. Box where in the forests of the state of 26427, San Jose, CA 95159-6427, Washington. For some reason he is www.slavelabor.com) able to converse with the critters of the Forrest and they lead him to an MY FAT IRISH ASS #4 old Obi Wan character who basical- $ ?? ly riddles Pubo into a state of anger. It’s a zine of mostly comics. So let So he leaves with no real informa- me just say I suffered miserably tion and an empty stomach, back looking for anything humorous. into the woods where he meets the Lot’s of bathroom humor in this butterfly who talks like Yoda. Is rag. Seems somewhere along the there some kind of Star Wars thing lines, Sarah Ferguson pissed some- going on? Anyway, he finds some one off. Then there’s the scribbling honey and with that he finds a of the scorched scrotum society, pissed off bear. This is where we’re and finally there are the redo’s of left to buy #2. Truthfully, I like this the Family Circus and Dennis the story, kind of Doctor Dolittle meets Menace comics. None of these are the mushroom people with a dash funny, so I guess we are all going to of Star Wars. The characters are have to kiss the fat Irish ass. likeable too. It’s a 1 of 3 so I’m hoping that we find out who made THAT’S JUST WRONG our little character and why he is HEY! This is Free able to talk with the animals. If you A small collection of short comics like height challenged characters that the author thought would never then you might be interested in this make it to regular comics, cutting mag. (Dark Horse Comics, 10956 room floor stuff. If you read the SE Main Street, Milwaukie, precursor to these shorts, they can Oregon 97222.) be funny. The author claims that , I’mI’mI’m AgainstAgainstAgainst ItItIt
The Eagles are a bunch of dildos who have no right being in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame You can’t help but notice the industry. Now, just what constitutes think not! Worst choice ever. Now years ago with their self-titled debut inclusion of punk mainstays the a leader in this industry? Owner of a make like my pants, and split.” from 1973. Remember, if it weren’t Ramones or The Clash as inductees label? Owner of a radio station? To add to that thought, I was for The Dolls, all you punk rock and in the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame Who? I’d like to know. And recog- looking over the hall’s list of past roll guitarists may have never got to these last couple of years. Both nizing contributions is one of the inductees and couldn’t help but buy records from their ex-guitarist bands more than deserve a place in Foundation’s many functions? Just notice some missing holes in their Johnny Thunders and his band, The this certain hall of fame, right up what else do they have their hands list. Just off the top of my head, here Heartbreakers, not to mention the there with some of the all-time in? This is something else my cat are a few missing artists from that oh-so-infinite influence The Dolls greats like Chuck Berry, Buddy ears are perking up about. list in (somewhat) chronological had on bands like KISS. Holly, Jerry Lee Lewis, The Stones, Interesting. Here’s the four cate- order, and by no means is this every- Ironically enough, KISS is four or The Beatles. Keep in mind that gories of inductees. I’m sure this one who should rightfully be induct- years late with getting their own there are some inductees there that will answer the questions many of ed – I know there are many who induction to the hall of fame since have no business wasting anyone’s us have had of “Who is this person have been overlooked: The their debut LP from 1974, even time at all (don’t worry – we’ll get and why are they getting inducted?” Ventures. I mean, shit the bed! – though they were considered one of to them later on). While The Clash Here’s how it’s broken down: Their first full length has been spin- the touring acts in the world back in were nominated when Joe Strummer 1) Performers: “Artists become ning on turntables since 1960! That their day. That one’s a real head- was still among us, it makes me eligible for induction 25 years after was forty-three friggin’ years ago! scratcher – what did you do to piss think about why the Ramones’ nom- the release of their first record. Can you say “rooked”? Dick Dale & off that nominating committee, Mr. ination was a year late and thrown Criteria include the influence and His Deltones have been just as Gene Simmons? Impregnate all of into the ring after Joey Ramone suc- significance of the artist’s contribu- robbed from their spot in the hall, as their daughters? (or wives?) Another cumbed to lymphoma in 2001, the tions to the development and perpet- well – their first LP debuted forty- band debuting its first LP in 1973 same year they should’ve been uation of rock and roll. The one years ago in 1962. These two who hasn’t yet received their props inducted. Hmmm. Perhaps a sudden Foundation’s nominating commit- outfits deserve spots in the hall right in the hall is Lynyrd Skynyrd. realization of one’s importance after tee, composed of rock and roll histo- next to The Beach Boys, period. Before you all start crying out and they’ve left us? Pangs of guilt? rians, selects nominees each year in The Stooges or even Iggy Pop? wringing your hands about Skynyrd Trying to play catch-up with one’s the Performer category. Ballots are I know that The Stooges made the even being mentioned here at all, I credibility on their personal expla- then sent to an international voting cut to be one of the fifteen perform- defy anyone to look down their nose nation of how a band such as the body of about 1,000 rock experts. ers to be nominated back in 1997, at any of their other material that Ramones “have always been an Those performers who receive the yet the geniuses voting that year hasn’t been beat to death on ‘70s important factor in the evolution of highest number of votes, and more must’ve really been up to their ears FM radio. Like Led Zeppelin, rock & roll”? I’d say a little of each, than 50 percent of the vote, are in their own asses at the time. The Skynyrd’s definitely a band you lis- quite frankly. Fucking glory whores. inducted. The Foundation generally Stooges were one of the top outfits ten to an album at a time, unlike Although this hall of fame is inducts five to seven performers to unleash the proto-punk blueprint most of the ding-dongs who buy K- actually an under-the-table handjob each year.” This is what I was com- on American soil with their debut Tel’s Monster Rock Riffs or whatev- for most of those working within the menting on earlier about the back in 1969. And how about that er the fuck those awful comps are industry, most artists (inducted or Ramones. That first groundbreaking real live bunch, the MC5? Just as titled. I stand by my backing of not) know their net worth whether LP of theirs was released in 1976. important as their Michigan broth- Skynyrd 100%, and you know it’s in the studio laboring over their So why was their long-awaited ern The Stooges, the MC5 carved what? Fuck you if that ain’t “punk” next full-length, or walking off the induction slated for 2002? That’s a out a sonic template to be lifted for enough for you. stage, soaked to the gills with sweat year late, no? Better late than never, years to come with their electrifying An often-forgotten staple of after another night on the road. How I suppose, as it always is with the debut, Kick out the Jams, also from NYC rock and roll is the pride of the does anyone get into this hall of Ramones, god bless ‘em. At least 1969. Thirty-four years and waiting Bronx (no, not the Yankees) – The fame, or even nominated for that the hall did The Clash justice and for both of these bands – now that’s Dictators, who, in 1975, had already matter? According to the guidelines inducted them twenty-five years a damn shame. spewed forth their raucous first full- set by their Foundation committee, after their wonderful self-titled Since their self-titled debut hit length, Go Girl Crazy. Out a year here’s the lowdown. And remember debut was released in 1978 (even if the world in 1970, Black Sabbath prior to their brothers-in-arms – this is exactly how the guidelines the U.K. version of it was released ultimately had a place waiting in Ramones’ first LP, The Dictator’s are written (get ready to shake your in 1977). This nominating commit- that hall, too. But word has it that Go… even featured their own ver- head): “Leaders in the music indus- tee composed of rock and roll histo- Mr. Osbourne has personal feelings sion of “California Sun,” only to be try joined together in 1983 to estab- rians – who are they? Why are they regarding the hall and its committee covered again in 1977 on the lish the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame the only ones who get to choose along the lines that suits have Ramones second LP, Leave Home. Foundation. One of the nominees in the “performer” catego- absolutely no place to speak whatso- Handsome Dick Manitoba and the Foundation’s many functions is to ry? And these ballots that are sent to ever when it’s regarding rock and rest of the Dictators would be a very recognize the contributions of those this “international voting body of roll. Well said, Ozzy. How ‘bout worthy inclusion amongst the other who have had a significant impact 1,000 rock experts” – who are all them New York Dolls? With only inductees in the hall, just for their on the evolution, development and these 1,000 folks? I’m picturing a two full-lengths under their lady- live performance at the award cere- perpetuation of rock and roll by room full of people resembling the like belts, they released a monster mony or their acceptance speech inducting them into the Hall of Comic Book Guy from The wave of raunchy, lipstick-smeared alone. Here’s hoping that they won’t Fame.” Let’s see – Simpsons. D’oh. I can hear it now – rock and roll to be worshipped, go three more years unnoticed for 32 leaders in the music “You call this a nominee? Hell-o! I ripped off, and reckoned with thirty nomination. 1976 delivered the self- titled debut LP of Blondie, and, with We Not Men? A: We Are Devo). above-mentioned ‘70s roster of Sire drums, etc. – on songs and records the help of their lovely singer Again, both bands are more than artists. that still stand strong to this day, Deborah Harry, this band helped deserving to be on that inductee list. 3) Early Influences: some of the real greats contributing kick in the closed doors of male- Okay – enough of what’s come “Artists whose music predated rock their licks ‘n chops to Motown. I’d dominated rock at the time, paving up off the top of my head. Back to and roll but had an impact on the just like to personally add here that the road for female rockers to fol- the inductee categories: 2) Non- evolution of rock and roll and it’s so bad ass to see Hal Blaine low. Blondie is way deserving of Performers: “Songwriters, pro- inspired rock’s leading artists. The inducted under this category, espe- such a spot in that hall of fame and ducers, disc jockeys, record execu- special selection committee elects cially when it was first introduced in she and her band sure have earned it. tives, journalists and other industry the inductees in the Non-performer 2000. Hal’s drumming was partly Hey! Where’s Motorhead on professionals who have had a major and Early Influences categories.” responsible for a helluva lot of hits this list of inductees? Their self- influence on the development of This one’s pretty self-explanatory. on a helluva lot of records, especial- titled debut was launched upon our rock and roll.” As far as disc jock- Basically, the inductees in this cate- ly his close-as-you-can-get-to-near- unsuspecting planet’s ears some eys, our own Rodney Bingenheimer gory are folks who got the ball perfect work with king producer twenty-six years ago in 1977. Let’s should already be inducted in the rolling long before rock and roll was Phil Spector. A hall inductee him- give credit where credit’s due here, hall, being that he gave most rearing its ugly head to parents self, Spector was the mad scientist
people. As editor Retodd would Angelenos their first blast of punk across the world – early bluesmen who oversaw production for bands exclaim, “What the fuck?!” Cheap over the airwaves from the KROQ and women, primal guitar slingers, like The Ronettes and The Crystals, Trick is also another band that 106.7 FM radio station in LA and early-era country/honkytonk/ both of whom Hal set the backbeat debuted their fantastic first self- (which, nauseatingly enough, is hillbilly hybrid cultivators. Being for (yet neither bands are in the hall titled record in 1977. Need I explain actually a very far cry from what it that this category’s a no-brainer, the themselves – go figure!). Hal’s as to why they deserve their just due used to be). Lester Bangs falls under hall pretty much have everyone cov- wrists can also be duly noted on his in that hall of fame? It’s Cheap the journalist category – where’s his ered here, but I’m sure there could timeless drumming work with The Trick, folks! Here’s a band that I induction? I’m sure Mr. Bangs will and will be a few more names added Beach Boys. A well-deserved induc- know slipped a lot of the minds on get his nomination as soon as in the future. Remember that those tion, Mr. Blaine. that nominating committee, and Howard Stern gets his – now that who had made a major impact in 5) Your Worthless maybe even some of you reading would be an awards show worth tap- their time weren’t as numerous as Contributions to Rock Are here – The Jam. When their 1977 ing, be that it would ever happen. If all the countless heads who lead the Paralleled to the Smell of debut, In the City landed in the it does in fact happen, kind folks of onslaught of rock and roll to come. Ass, Therefore I Hereby hands of the fans, The Jam pushed the committee, let’s make sure that Also add to the mix that many of Revoke Your Induction: I the envelope of rocking the ass off The Dictators get their induction these early influence inductees died know, there are really only four offi- of a pop melody, ala their British that particular year, as it would be at a fairly young age (and you cial categories of inductees in the bros The Kinks. In my own opinion, heaven-sent if they got to perform thought you were a rockin’ rough- Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame, but I The Jam have always been a way- along the likes of ‘ol Lester and neck, there, cocko). had to add my own fifth category underrated rocking outfit (and a trio, Howard. And record execs? 4) Side Men: “This category here. C’mon! This is (fuck you) for that matter). Seymour Stein, the man who spear- was introduced in 2000. It honors Dale’s column you’re reading, Here’s something to ponder – headed Sire Records, rightfully has those musicians who have spent remember? I told you earlier we’d The Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame a place in this hall, too. Without their career out of the spotlight, per- get to these clueless wonders who and its respective museum are locat- visionary label dudes like Stein, Sire forming as backup musicians for had somehow finagled an induction ed in Cleveland, Ohio. Yet, there are might not have happened the way it major artists on recording sessions and here they are: Paul Ackerman two bands hailing from that very did, and that would’ve meant no and in concert. Though they often (Non-Performer award). Paul was same state who’ve yet to be recog- tasty full-lengths of the Ramones, play a key role in the creation of the music editor for Billboard mag- nized as hall of fame inductees – the Dead Boys, The Replacements, memorable music, the public rarely azine for thirty years from 1943- Dead Boys (who debuted in 1977 Richard Hell & The Voidoids, or knows them by name. A separate 1973. While maybe Paul’s heart was with their deliciously-diseased rock The Saints for any of us. As much as committee, composed primarily of in the right place for rock and roll’s and roll anthem LP, Young Loud and Leonard Chess helped spawn artists producers, selects the inductees in sake, he helped push one of the Snotty) and Devo (who successfully like Muddy Waters, Bo Diddley, and this category.” This category show- biggest music industry rags to show- sprung a new wave leak all over the Chuck Berry with his Chess label, cases inductees who’ve lent their case what’s “hot” and “happening” critic’s heads in 1978 with Q: Are Stein’s label did the same with the talents – be it piano, bass, guitars, in the music business. You see a lot of the bands we cover here in jumped out of that apartment win- your life the next time we meet up. Simon and Garfunkel Razorcake grace Billboard’s pages? dow on purpose this time. I got Everything that the 1970s was (Performer award). See above You don’t? (To quote my good man three words for Eric Clapton – wrong about is encapsulated here. Crosby, Stills, and Nash explana- Homer J. Simpson – “By the way, James Patrick Page. Bite me. The kind of “rock” that the disco tion. Ditto for Paul Simon as he’s that was sarcasm.”) Billboard – I’d Crosby, Stills, and Nash ducks would listen to. Pardon me inducted twice for his “solo work,” sooner wipe my ass clean with my (Performer award). Remember what while I go shower, now. I feel just like Eric “You Seen My Kid?” own hands before I would use the Bluto Blutarsky (John Belushi) did unclean all the sudden. Pass the Clapton. Steely Dan (Performer pages of their mag. How do you to that acoustic guitar when he came Comet, please. Bill Graham (Non- award). Okay – who was freebasing wipe shit off with shit? You don’t. down the stairs in the 1978 movie Performer award). The concert pro- liquid STUPID on the nominating The Bee Gees (Performer classic Animal House? That’s the moter of the Fillmores West & East, committee when this uncalculated award). While Saturday Night and artist manager who wasted time mistake was let through the turn- Fever is a great movie to watch putting on shows and heavily push- stiles? Hmmm? Hey! I’m waiting! while crusting it on the couch on a ing bands like The Grateful Dead All right – that’s the end of my Sunday afternoon, I’m never going (ah, FAWK! Now I’m all dirty tacked-on category. I can only hope to purchase the film’s soundtrack. feeling I get when I’m subjected to again! Shit!) when he should’ve that some bands like The Cramps And don’t go telling me that their listening to Crosby, Stills, and Nash. been concentrating his efforts (debuted their first LP in 1979), The “musical efforts” pre-Saturday As my homeboy/Lil’ Beez comic squarely on bands like The Stooges Psychedelic Furs (theirs in 1980), Night Fever helped them get their creator Art would quip: “Get that and the MC5. How dare he. The The Replacements (theirs in 1981), induction, either. I can name a gazil- shiz away from me. I’m allergic to it Grateful Dead (Performer award). or Social Distortion (theirs in 1983) lion garage bands that would’ve – I break out in punches.” The Everything and anything about this get their just desserts from the hall slapped the Bee Gees around like Eagles (Performer award). Good so-called “band,” as well as its fol- of fame in the next couple of years. crack whores if they had to share a god, do I really have to get into this lowing, needs to go away. Hell, even a nomination for these rehearsal space with them at the one? I don’t? Thank you. By the Permanently. All of you. Go join folks would be nice! time of their early inception. way: true story – if you ever want to Jerry Garcia in his communal burial Enough of my own personal Craptacular. Eric Clapton see your car stereo literally get plot and die. If I were granted one thoughts/wishes for now. If any of (Performer award). Not only has kicked through the dashboard and wish from the Great Rock Genie Of you Razorcakers get some slick Eric been inducted three times, but into the engine compartment under The Lamp (who would probably be ideas rattling around up in that head the third induction for his solo work your hood, play The Eagles when the spirit of Stiv Bators, or someone of yours about any of this, zip me makes me want to retch pools of travelling with one Clint Weinrich, of the like) to turn The Grateful some email with your own thoughts bile into my lap. I’m allowing well- aka, The Torrez. He will ask you Dead into anything I wanted, it on who you feel should be inducted, earned clearance for his first coupla once to change it and/or turn it off. would be a great, big pile of steam- or who you feel is yet to be inductions – The Yardbirds and After that, get ready to wonder why ing shit. Not the one they’ve always inducted. Cream – but putting my fucking you didn’t take my fair warning represented, but an actual mound of foot down for the award for his solo seriously. poo. That way, I could take and I’m Against It tripe. If Eric’s dearly departed child Fleetwood Mac (Performer flush the whole band down the shit- –Designated Dale heard the overrated crap his dad put award). If I have to explain this, ter and never have to look, listen, or
Felizon Vidad
The impact of the car crash was so forceful that the front passenger doors were torn from the sedan. The Honda nearly broke in half. message wasn’t Jonathan’s. It was a up at his apartment, they would Dillard’s Pilgrim at Tinker Creek. SHELLED woman, a total stranger. Her voice both laugh hysterically and I’d be I felt my heart break even was shaky, and she was obviously relieved. But the other part of me more. Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot trying to keep from crying. was afraid this was for real. about death and dying. “Felizon,” I heard her say, “you Marnie opened the door, and all I cried that whole week. I went I only had two best friends in don’t know me, but my name is I had to do was look at her face to to school the next day and cried Florida, and one of them died last Marnie. I’m a friend of Jonathan’s. know it was true. We both started through all of my classes. Every January. It was the first time I’d I’m calling to tell you... I have crying and hugging each other. I hour, when a fresh group of stu- ever dealt with the death of some- some bad news... Jonathan passed had never seen this woman before dents came in, I’d start the class by one close to me. this weekend.” in my life, but all of a sudden we telling them that I wasn’t feeling It was the Martin Luther King, It was like a bad made-for-TV were best friends. I followed her well. And I’d tell them why. And Jr. holiday weekend, so I had drama. But that’s exactly how it into the living room, and she told then I’d cry some more. A few of Monday off. Sean was already liv- happened, exactly what she said. I me what had happened. An my students got out of their seats ing in Los Angeles and working on snatched up the phone and tried to aneurism had burst in Jonathan’s and came up to the front of the Razorcake, so I was living by stay calm, but all I could manage heart, killing him in his sleep. classroom to give me hugs. A cou- myself. I didn’t look forward to was “What? What?” The woman on I had been over to Jonathan’s ple of students wrote sympathetic teaching the next day. All I wanted the other end told me she was call- apartment a couple of times before. notes and gave them to me after to do was spend the last free hours ing from Jonathan’s apartment. He didn’t own a television or fancy class to read. My last class of the of my holiday alone. I was sitting in That was all I needed to know. I furniture. His living room consisted day, sixth period, was usually the my living room, flipping through told her I’d be right over. of two bookshelves full of books, a worst-behaved of all my students. magazines and half-listening to couple of unmatched chairs, a glass This time, they listened when I told some cooking show on Food The whole time I drove down coffee table, and a sofa that had them I wasn’t in any mood to put Network when the phone rang. I A1A and 520 West towards Merritt been given to him by relatives. up with their shit. And then they had Caller ID, which came in Island, I kept thinking that it had to Looking at that sad, unadorned were slightly less obnoxious ass- handy when I didn’t want to answer be a joke. That my friend Jonathan, room, I became painfully aware of holes that last hour of the school
Felizon Vidad the phone but wanted to know who who was the same age as me and the cold. I thought of Jonathan sit- day. was calling. I checked the name. It who I had just seen last week, was ting alone and reading a book on Mr. Johnson, the assistant prin- was my friend Jonathan Kulbach. not dead. That the one person Friday nights because friends like cipal at McNair, was my favorite Jonathan, I thought. I can talk whose friendship helped me get me didn’t return his phone calls. I administrator. Before he had moved to him later. through some bad times had not left went into his bedroom and saw a up into the role of a boss man, he I turned the page in my maga- my world for good. Part of me said book face-down on his nightstand, and I used to teach in adjacent zine and let the answering machine that he and Marnie were trying to probably the last book he was read- portables that were located at the pick up, but the voice leaving a pull a fast one, that when I showed ing before he died. It was Annie farthest end of campus. We got to
36 Photo by Dan Glenn Fury be good buddies, way out there in heals over, and you’re less sensitive Kalaniana’ole Highway. that early hour of March 18, the the boondocks where it was too to pain in that area. I thought, for all On the evening of March 17, wrecked Honda’s speedometer nee- much of a walk for others to come the worrying and crying and think- St. Patrick’s Day, a small group of dle was frozen at 88 mph. out and visit. So, that Tuesday ing that I did, maybe I’d gotten locals gathered for the twenty-first morning, as soon as I got to school, tougher. Maybe I had built up a birthday of a friend, Patrick I don’t know what the other I went into Mr. Johnson’s office, mental callus that would deflect Askew-Jackson, at a popular North four in the car said or did as shut the door, and told him what any future emotional pain when it Shore beach called Shark’s Cove. It Shannon raced to their death. Did happened. He listened with com- came to death and dying. was after 1 A.M. when three car- they scream in encouragement, passion, and then he told me a sim- But I’m not a doctor, and my loads of family and friends headed goading him to catch up to the car ilar story from his own experience. self-diagnosis was way off. home. They were going southwest ahead, or in fear, the burst in speed A friend of his was alive one day, on Kamehameha Highway, the beyond their control? Or were they dead the next, and no one had seen Last week, my friend Jamelle two-lane road that serves as the too transfixed or too horrified to it coming. Mr. Johnson told me he came to visit me from Hawaii. I’ve only thoroughfare on the North cry out? I cannot even begin to was in denial about it for the known Jamelle since we were kids. Shore. In one of the cars were five imagine the terror, the realization in longest time, that he refused to cry We both grew up in Waialua, a people: Patrick; his 13-year-old one awful second that you are or show any emotions because he small town on the North Shore of brother Kaimana; their cousin Jose about to be killed. Or did it all hap- was trying to be a tough guy. Oahu. We lived on opposite ends of Delizo, Jr., 17; and two neighbor- pen so fast that there was no time to I sat in his office across from the same neighborhood, a part of hood friends, Shannon Waiwaiole, think, no time to react? him and struggled to keep the tears town called Paalaa Kai. Jamelle 22, and Rex Dicion, 31. I had gone Shannon lost control of the car, from coming. I said, “I feel like still lives there. Unlike a lot of our to high school with Rex; he was veered to the left, and crashed into such a wimp. I can’t stop crying.” old classmates who haven’t left friends with my older brother. I’d a palm tree on the shoulder of Mr. Johnson got up from Hawaii, she makes it a point to also known Shannon when he was Kamehameha Highway. He was behind his desk and handed me a ejected and landed about thirty feet box of tissues. He patted me on the from the wreckage. None of the shoulder and then gave me a hug. I looked up to see footage of tomahawk missiles passengers had worn their seat “It’s okay to cry, Pee Wee,” he exploding in a city skyline... belts, but would it have mattered? said kindly, using his pet name for There were no significant skid me. “You’re dealing with this a lot I wonder if there is still anyone who believes that no marks on the roadway. Impact with better than I did when my friend Iraqi civilians have been killed. the tree occurred less than a second died.” And then he told me I could after the car veered from the left take the rest of the week off, if I lane of the highway. Police estimat- wanted. He said I wouldn’t have to travel outside of the island at least a skinny little kid who rode his bike ed the reaction time to have been Felizon Vidad worry; he’d find me a sub. once a year. When I was living in around the neighborhood and made less than one-tenth of a second. The Cocoa Beach, Jamelle flew out to funny, smartass remarks to anyone impact of the car crash was so I only took a day off from Orlando and we spent some time who talked to him. All five lived in forceful that the front passenger work, because it would have been a together. Now I’m living in Los the same Paalaa Kai subdivision doors were torn from the sedan. bigger hassle to write up a week’s Angeles, and last week was her where Jamelle and I grew up. The Honda nearly broke in half. worth of lesson plans for a substi- spring vacation. I picked her up at Shannon was driving his four- The three in back were pinned in tute teacher. I spent my day off LAX, and we hung out for a couple door 1998 Honda Civic EX. In the the wreck. Their bodies had to be thinking and trying to come to of days before she met up with her car ahead of him was Patrick and extricated by firefighters; the car’s terms with the death of a close cousins in La Crescenta. Kaimana’s mother, Elizabeth roof and back passenger doors had friend. I remembered the last time I During the drive home from the Askew, and their twelve-year-old to be cut off first. The two brothers heard Jonathan’s voice. We’d spo- airport, I asked Jamelle to tell me sister. Behind Shannon was a third were found hugging each other in ken on the phone just the week all the news and gossip from our car, in which Elizabeth’s other son, the back seat. My father, who’s before. He had obviously wanted to hometown. She gladly obliged, her niece, and a friend were riding. known the Dicion family for years, talk longer, but I had cut the con- thinking of tidbits that I might find The third car passed Shannon’s car, told me that Rex Dicion’s body was versation short because I hadn’t felt especially interesting. We were then Elizabeth’s. And that’s when found with his intestines squeezed like talking anymore. Now I was laughing, joking around, and then Shannon decided to overtake the out. I don’t know if this was fact or sorry that I hadn’t spent five more she remembered something she car in the lead. hearsay, but I saw the pictures of minutes talking to him. I was sorry hadn’t told me yet. She asked, “Did the mangled car. It distresses me to that I declined his invitation to go you hear about the big accident that Later, Elizabeth Askew said think about Patrick, Kaimana, and to lunch that day because I had a happened on the North Shore?” that there had been drinking, but no Rex, trapped in the back seat, suf- stack of essays to grade. I was just “No,” I said, keeping my eyes one was drunk. Shannon’s blood- fering multiple injuries beyond plain sorry. on the road and feeling a huge alcohol content was found to be hope of being saved. I felt awful. I could blame sense of dread. “What big acci- 0.142 percent. Hawaii’s legal limit All five victims were pro- myself for being a bad friend, or I dent?” is 0.08. I’m not an expert on drink- nounced dead at 2:05 A.M., thirty- could forgive myself and try to “Oh, man, it was big,” Jamelle ing or alcohol, but I’ve been told three minutes after the crash was move on. Jonathan was dead, and I said. “Five local guys were killed.” that the amount of alcohol Shannon reported to police. A few days later, had to accept that. For the longest She went on to tell me every- consumed equaled about five or six the medical examiner’s office con- time afterwards, I had to keep thing that she knew about the inci- beers. Whether or not Shannon was firmed that neither Rex nor thir- reminding myself that I couldn’t dent. I listened and drove and nod- drunk or just plain reckless, it was teen-year-old Kaimana had any change the past. I had to just keep ded as Jamelle talked. It didn’t estimated that he was speeding alcohol in their systems. on living. And as the days passed, I seem real to me. Later, I called my down the two-lane road at 100 mph was able to go for more extended parents and asked them about the in his attempt to overtake the car I’m not a relative of any of the stretches of time without breaking accident. I went online and looked ahead of him. victims; I wasn’t even a friend, down, without crying, without up back issues of the Honolulu Two days later, the Honolulu really. But I knew Rex and I knew waking up in the middle of the Advertiser and the Honolulu Star- Advertiser made public the fact Shannon, and all five who were night to the sudden realization that Bulletin. From what Jamelle and that, before this fatal crash, killed lived in my old neighbor- one of my best friends was dead. my parents told me, and with what Shannon had already been cited hood. The last time I went home to Eventually, I reached a point I gathered from the newspaper twice for speeding. In May of 2002, visit my parents, Waialua seemed where I was still sad about losing accounts, I tried to piece together he’d been ticketed for driving near- even more quiet and depressing Jonathan, but I was able to deal the events that had become known ly 80 mph in a 45 mph zone. In than I remembered. The Waialua with the pain without disintegrating as the deadliest accident on Oahu’s May of 2001, he’d been ticketed for sugar cane plantation, the town’s into tears at the very memory of roadways since November 10, driving more than 60 mph in a 35 biggest employer, had closed in him. I thought it was sort of like 1995, when five people were killed mph zone. 1996. Many residents had moved scar tissue: that part of your body and three injured in a car crash on In the wake of the accident in away in search of 37 better jobs. Those who stayed in said when she reached the crash bombs would only destroy empty of mass destruction. Thousands of Waialua struggled to make ends scene, there was a cloud of smoke. buildings. I remembered my friend bombs were dropped over meet and pay their bills. It is a sad She saw a body hanging out of the Pat telling me that someone she Baghdad. If indeed Saddam fact, but I lived in a poor town. I car. She couldn’t bring herself to knew said something similar, that Hussein had weapons of mass moved away to go to college, and I go any closer, couldn’t let herself this person believed nobody was destruction, and if indeed he was as never moved back. I hate to say it, believe what she’d just seen, being killed by those bombs. I crazy as the media portrayed him, I but a lot of the people who still live couldn’t accept two more deaths in wondered, if two people who did- wonder why he never unleashed there don’t have more than a high her family. Earlier in June, her n’t know each other thought the those weapons. school education. Many of the forty-one-year-old husband had same thing, then how many others older Filipino immigrants who committed suicide. out there had the same idea? Last I know it’s okay to remember worked for the plantation never weekend alone, the US dropped the dead. But I also realize that attended high school. Yesterday, Sean was flipping three thousand bombs on Baghdad. those of us who are still alive just My mother, who spoke to through the channels and stopped I wonder if there is still anyone have to keep on living. I have to Felizon Vidad Rex’s youngest brother a few days to watch the BBC broadcast of the who believes that no Iraqi civilians move on. I sit in the comfort of my after the accident, found out from war in Iraq. I sat on the floor, on have been killed. living room, surrounded by the Sea the brother that “Rex hadn’t been the sleeping bag that had been The American media is selec- Wees and Blythes I collect. I comb doing too good” – hadn’t been Jamelle’s bed when she spent the tive and subjective. They’re not their hair and change their outfits working, had two children. Rex’s night. I hadn’t bothered to put it going to show or tell about the and arrange them in stylish posi- girlfriend had left him, and his away because it was comfortable to innocent Iraqi civilians who’ve tions. I try not to think about death mother was taking care of his chil- sit on, and it made a perfect play been killed in Baghdad – those and dying. But it’s pretty hard not dren. My mother knew Rex’s mat. I sat there, surrounded by unfortunate people who didn’t to, especially when I hold a doll in mother; the Dicion family lives a Blythe dolls and their clothing. have a chance, who couldn’t get my hand and it is nothing but an few houses away from my parents’ From the plastic bin of dolly out of the way fast enough. Alive empty shell, an empty body. Eyes home. When I was in high school, clothes, I carefully selected ensem- one day, then dead the next. Just that look up at me without seeing. cars had flooded our street as bles and combed each doll’s hair in like my friend Jonathan who was It was never alive, so it can’t be friends and relatives attended a a style that matched her outfit. killed in his sleep and never saw it dead, and I still can’t help thinking wake for Jesse Dicion, an older son Preppy Blythe, preppy hair. Punk coming. Or like five passengers in about death, that dying is com- who had been killed in a car acci- rock Blythe, punk rock hairstyle. I a speeding car, slamming a hun- pletely unpredictable. One minute dent. Now the family was in concentrated heavily on the task. dred miles an hour straight into a you’re alive, the next minute mourning again. Meanwhile, the television went on palm tree on the side of the road, you’re dead. Just a shell of a body. Rex hadn’t been the only one with talk of war. I looked up to see reaction time one-tenth of a sec- Considering all that’s going on with children. Patrick and Shannon footage of tomahawk missiles ond, the fate of their lives absolute- around me right now, I can’t stifle each left behind a daughter. And exploding in a city skyline. I ly out of their control. the thought that, at any given point then there was Elizabeth Askew, remembered someone I knew say- in time, it is possible that I could be the mother of the two brothers who ing that the bombs were special Bush justified the bombing of shelled, too. had been killed in the accident. She something-seeking types that Iraq by claiming that Saddam –Felizon Vidad had witnessed the whole thing. She wouldn’t kill any live humans; the Hussein was concealing weapons But one lesson World War II hopefully taught us all is that fighting against something – a cause, an ideal, whatever – doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re fighting for its opposite. Last issue, I wrote a long column about the con- 120,000 people were imprisoned without a trail had alerted the MPs, and they arrested cept of fighting a war for freedom and what a because everyone of Japanese descent was a Korematsu. questionable concept that is. I talked about how threat to the security of the United States, and The next morning, the headline of the front past wars have severely limited our freedom of these folks were of Japanese descent. None of page of the San Leandro newspaper read, “Jap speech, our freedom of the press, and things like the 120,000 prisoners had committed any crime Spy Caught.” that. After I was done writing that column, it at all. They were imprisoned solely because of At this point, Korematsu was in real trouble. occurred to me that I’d forgotten to talk about their ethnicity. The US Department of Justice His crimes now went beyond just being the biggest freedom there is: the freedom to walk didn’t stop with the Japanese Americans, Japanese American. Because he’d failed to outside. Freedom in the sense that you’re not a though. It’s a lesser known fact, but a fact just report to the internment camps, he was also prisoner. I couldn’t believe I wrote a column the same, that nearly 12,000 Americans of under arrest for resisting an executive order – a about fighting for freedom and I forgot to German, Italian, Bulgarian, Czech, Hungarian, felony offense. So now Korematsu had a court include Fred Korematsu. So here’s Korematsu’s and Romanian descent were also imprisoned battle to contend with. story, and all the reason’s why you should care without a charge or a trial during World War II. Edward Besig, a young lawyer for at the about it. Most of these prisoners were taken to a camp in American Civil Liberties Union, also didn’t Missoula, Montana. At the same time, more than agree with the internment camps. In fact, he’d On July 19, 2002, Peter Kirsanow was a half million Italian Americans were placed been waiting for an opportunity to fight against addressing a meeting on Arab and Muslim con- under travel restrictions and forced to observe a them in a court of law. When he heard about cerns in Detroit, Michigan when he said, “I curfew. In the midst of all of this mess, Fred Korematsu’s arrest, Besig jumped at the chance think we will have a return to Korematsu.” This Korematsu made a name for himself. to fight this battle. He offered to represent seems like a bland, vague statement, but the In 1942, when the US government issued Korematsu free of charge. Besig also drove Arab Americans at the meeting saw this as an Executive Order 9066 (the law that said that down to San Leandro and posted Korematsu’s incredible threat. The Japanese American everyone of Japanese descent in the US had to bail. Citizens League called for Kirsanow’s resigna- go to jail because they were of Japanese After Besig put up the bail money and tion for this. Civil rights activists nationwide descent), Fred Korematsu was a welder working Korematsu was released, the two of them tried were up in arms. Small groups of people every- for the defense industry in an Oakland shipyard. to walk out of the courthouse. As soon as they where were freaking out. Most Americans, He was a hard worker, a well-respected employ- made it down the courthouse steps, four MPs though, were apathetic. Most Americans have ee, a US-born citizen, and a patriot in the war were waiting for them. The MPs informed no idea who Peter Kirsanow is, who Fred effort. He was pretty much an all-American-type Korematsu that he had to go with them to the Korematsu is, and how large of a threat a “return guy. He even had a hot rod that he worked on internment camp. Besig told the MPs that they to Korematsu” is. When you know these three during the weekends. Prior to Executive Order couldn’t legally take Korematsu, that his bail things, though, you realize what a staggering 9066, he had tried to enlist in the army on two had been paid and he was a free man. The MPs statement this was. First, we’ll start with Fred different occasions. Both times, he was turned drew their rifles, pointed them at Korematsu’s Korematsu. down because of some physical disability. So, head, and told him that they had to take him to based on all of this, Korematsu didn’t think it the internment camp, and it didn’t matter to The story of Fred Korematsu goes back to was right for him to be imprisoned just because them whether he got there dead or alive. World War II – the Good War. World War II was his ancestors came from Japan. Beyond that, Korematsu went with the MPs. supposedly a war fought against Hitler, against Korematsu had a fiancée who was white, and, He spent the next two years in the intern- fascism, and against racism. And I’ll be the first for obvious reasons, she didn’t want to go with ment camp. It was a rough road for him. Most of one to admit that Hitler, fascism, and racism are him to the internment camp. He knew that, if he Korematsu’s fellow prisoners disagreed with his three good things to fight against. But one lesson went off to the internment camp for the duration stance. They felt that they should just go along World War II hopefully taught us all is that fight- of the war, he was going to lose his chance to with the US executive order and not cause any ing against something – a cause, an ideal, what- marry this girl. So Korematsu fought the intern- trouble. Korematsu spent most of his time in the ever – doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re ment. First, he left his job and he left Oakland. camp by himself, an outcast. fighting for its opposite. For example, the US He changed his name to “Clyde.” He had his In the meantime, with help first from Besig fought against Hitler’s racism and his concen- nose and eyes surgically altered, and he started and later from attorney Wayne Collins, tration camps, and these were good things to telling people he was Chinese. He moved to a Korematsu fought the case at every level. The fight against. But fighting against them didn’t small, coastal California town, where he got a case reached the Supreme Court on October 11, exclude the US from having racist concentration job working in a trailer park. And, for a while, 1944. On that day, Collins argued that it was camps at home. his ruse worked. unconstitutional to imprison someone, without a World War II internment camps are a well- Then one day, Korematsu was in downtown trial, based solely on his ethnicity. It took more known and ugly part of US history. From San Leandro, waiting for his fiancée. She was than two months for the Supreme Court to reach March, 1942 to March, 1946, 120,000 Japanese running a bit late. Korematsu went into a nearby a decision. On December 18, 1944, Supreme Americans – 77,000 of whom were US citizens shop and bought a pack of cigarettes. He went Court Justice Hugh Lafayette Black – a noted and were born in the United States – were back outside and smoked one of the cigarettes. liberal who was placed on the Supreme Court by imprisoned without a charge or a trial. Most of His fiancée still hadn’t shown up, but the mili- Franklin Delano Roosevelt – announced the ver- them were sent to Manzanar, a barren camp sur- tary police had. To this day, Korematsu doesn’t dict: appeal denied. In his statement regarding rounded by barbed wire, in a remote place in know who ratted him out – his girlfriend or the the case of Korematsu v. United States, Justice eastern California. According to the US clerk who sold him the smokes or someone who Black said, in essence, that it is legal and consti- 40 Department of Justice, these passed him on the street. Nonetheless, someone tutional in the US to imprison someone based solely on their ethnicity, if people of that ethnic- tional to imprison someone in the US solely apologize and pay the Japanese Americans who ity are seen as a threat to the security of the US. based on that person’s ethnicity. were interned during World War II, but, while In other words, you can imprison a Japanese they debated how to apologize and how much to American without a trial, just because he’s of The story of Fred Korematsu is an interest- pay, they also debated whether or not they Japanese descent. According to the US Supreme ing bit of American history, but when I first should imprison Iraqis for being Iraqis. Court, it’s legal. It’s constitutional. heard about all of it, one question kept coming More recently, within two days of When the appeal was denied, Korematsu up in my mind: could any of this happen again? September 11, 2001, several hundred people became a convicted felon. He was sentenced to Though it is still legal for the US government to were arrested and detained in secret. US five years probation. On top of that, he spent the imprison people without a trial based solely on Attorney General John Ashcroft was in charge next fifteen months in an internment camp in their ethnicity, would they ever do it? It does of these detentions. Initially, he refused to dis- Utah. seem like a far-fetched scenario, and it may very close the location of the prisoner or the prison- After the war, Korematsu tried to keep a low well be a far-fetched scenario. But before we ers’ names. He did admit to the New York Times profile. He went on with his life. He moved back decide that, we should look at how Korematsu v. on December 2, 2001 that he was currently to San Leandro and got a job and finished his United States has been handled recently. detaining 548 prisoners whose names he would probation without incident. He not release, and another 93 peo- met a woman and married her ple whose names he would and they had kids. He lived like release. According to the Times, a normal, average American cit- President Bush set up secret mil- izen, and spoke very little of his itary tribunals for these trial and his time in the intern- detainees. A “tribunal” is basi- ment camps. In fact, cally a trial that is set up outside Korematsu’s daughter Karen the regular judicial system. This didn’t know about her father’s means that the detainees were fight until she heard about it in a given a trial, just not a trial in a high school course. recognized US court of law. The In 1983, a political science Times went on to report that “it professor and attorney named is by no means clear that the Peter Irons was doing some president has the authority to set research for one of his classes. up military tribunals,” and “the He uncovered evidence that the military tribunals set up by government had suppressed, President Bush have little rela- altered, and destroyed military tion to actual military justice.” documents in relation to Of course, if these tribunals Korematsu’s trial. Irons gath- were secret, then the Times obvi- ered a team of ten attorneys, ously couldn’t report first-hand most of whom were Japanese on the trials and isn’t really in a Americans. They approached position to comment on their Korematsu and asked if he relation to military justice. Still, would be willing to reopen the if a court is legal and everything case. Even though Korematsu is fair and honest, why should had already served his time and the trial be kept a secret? Why had already fought this decision should the names and ethnicities all the way up to the Supreme of the detainees be kept a secret? Court, he agreed to fight it once If Ashcroft says he has 548 more. The attorneys filed a detainees, how many do you motion to reopen Korematsu’s think he really has? case. After feeling the sting of At this point, to avoid polit- ethnic detention first-hand, the ical embarrassment, the US gov- Japanese American Citizens ernment and President Reagan League (JACL) keeps pretty offered to pardon Korematsu. close tabs on any detentions that Korematsu refused the pardon. are based on ethnicity. He argued that accepting a par- According to JACL executive don would suggest that he had director John Tateishi, the num- done something wrong and was ber of detainees is actually more being forgiven for it. Korematsu like two thousand, and the believed that he’d done nothing wrong, and he In 1991, during the first Gulf War, a motion detentions are Manzanar all over again. wasn’t asking for forgiveness. He was demand- was argued on the floor of the US House of And, most recently, Supreme Court Justice ing that his felony conviction be overturned. Representatives to imprison any Iraqis or people Antonin Scalia started making vague threats The team of lawyers brought Korematsu’s of Iraqi descent in the United States. The motion about civil rights in the United States. case to the US District court in San Francisco on was denied. But someone still brought it up and According to the Sacramento Bee, Scalia said April 19, 1984, where Judge Marilyn Hall Patel some congressmen did argue in favor of it. that “the government has room to scale back overturned the forty-year-old conviction. In that Around the same time period, though, in individual rights during war time.” Scalia said small way, Korematsu finally got his apology 1988 and 1992, the House of Representatives this during a speech at John Carroll University and justice was served. But a problem remained. pushed two bills through Congress. The first on March 17, 2003, two days before the US According to the rules of the US judicial was H.R. 442 (The Civil Rights Act of 1988) invaded Iraq. He went on to say, “Most of the system, a lower court cannot overturn a higher and the second was H.R. 4551 (the amendment rights that you enjoy go way beyond what the court’s decision. So, though Judge Marilyn Hall to the Civil Rights Act of 1988). Between these Constitution requires,” and, in war time, “the Patel did have the authority to vacate two bills, the US government apologized to the protections will be ratcheted right down to the Korematsu’s decision (in other words, she had former prisoners who had spent World War II in constitutional minimums.” I don’t know if these to power to overturn the felony conviction for internment camps, and they paid the surviving statements indicate that anyone in the federal resisting an executive order) she did not have prisoners $20,000 each in reparations. When government is thinking about internment camps the power to overturn the Supreme Court’s deci- you consider these two acts of Congress and the again, but, if you do ratchet freedoms down to sion of Korematsu v. United States. So, accord- 1991 debates about interning Iraqis, you get a the constitutional minimums, this does allow for ing to that Supreme Court decision, the prece- mixed message from US House of internment camps. dent has been set. It is still legal and constitu- Representatives. Sure, they were willing to 41 So this brings us up to date, and it also became clear that Kirsanow couldn’t deny his Of course, when you consider that people brings us back to the original question of who is statement, he simply denied that it was a threat, can only be arrested based on their ethnicity if Peter Kirsanow, and what did he mean when he and he claimed that it was taken out of context. that ethnicity is seen as a threat (which basical- said, “I think we will have a return to This denial, too, is suspicious, because it’s hard ly means that the US has to be at war with the Korematsu”? to imagine a context in which this statement is country for people of that country’s ethnicity to In late 2001, in the wake of these military not a threat. Because Kirsanow was put into his be a threat) it doesn’t seem quite so scary for tribunals and secret imprisonments, President position to protect the civil rights of Americans those of us whose ancestors don’t come from a Bush appointed Cleveland attorney Peter and because he personally threatened the civil region where the US is currently at war. Then Kirsanow to the US Commission on Civil again, over the past five years, the US military Rights (USCCR). The commission chair- In 1991, during the first Gulf War, a has supported or engaged in combat in woman, Mary Francis Berry, fought this motion was argued on the floor of Columbia, Nigeria, Sudan, Somalia, Mexico, appointment for five months. Finally, in May of Palestine, Yugoslavia, Afghanistan, and Iraq. 2002, a federal appeals court installed the US House of Representatives to There has also been a lot of talk about expand- Kirsanow to the eight member commission. imprison any Iraqis or people of ing the current war in Iraq to Iran and Syria, and Within two months of Kirsanow’s appoint- Iraqi descent in the United States. the people of North Korea seem pretty well ment, on June 19, 2002, to be exact, a group of convinced that they’re the next target on the US Arab American activists, community leaders, rights of so many Americans, several Arab hit list. So, when you consider all of this, the US and representatives met with the USCCR to dis- Americans, along with the JACL and various could build a pretty big internment camp. cuss the general racism that they had been expe- other civil rights organizations, called for his To be honest, I seriously doubt that these riencing in the US since September 11. Mostly, resignation. President Bush publicly supported internment camps will come about. The proba- they were concerned with things like police Kirsanow, saying, in essence, that Kirsanow bility of them coming about isn’t really my profiling, faulty searches, and secret arrests. made the statement with “the best intentions.” point, here. It’s just that internment camps are Kirsanow addressed this group in Detroit, Regardless of whether Kirsanow meant his exactly the kind of thing that war makes possi- Michigan, the home of the largest number of statement as a threat or not, he did re-introduce ble. Every war threatens your human rights, and Arabs in the US. Towards the end of the meet- the discussion of internment camps. It’s now just because you’re fighting against one fascist, ing, a University of Michigan professor asked once again a feasible alternative. And, when it doesn’t mean that you’re not fighting for Kirsanow for his assurance that the US govern- you start looking into all of Ashcroft’s secret another fascist. Just because you’re fighting ment would not bring back internment camps. arrests and Bush’s military tribunals; when you against human rights violations in one part of Kirsanow responded to this by saying, “If realize that arrests based solely upon ethnicity the world, it doesn’t mean that you’re fighting there’s another terrorist attack and if it’s from a is both legal and protected by the Constitution; for human rights at home. And just because certain ethnic community or certain ethnicities when you hear Supreme Court Justice Antonin you’re fighting against a dictator in the Middle that the terrorists are from, you can forget civil Scalia say that our civil rights will be “ratcheted East, it doesn’t mean that you have a democra- rights in this country. I think we will have a right down to the constitutional minimums”; cy at home. return to Korematsu.” and when you consider that Arab Americans –Sean Carswell Kirsanow later denied saying this, but the and Iraqi Americans have already been dis- meeting had been recorded, and the above quote cussed as a possibility for internment, all of this (If you want a list of the sources I used for this was taken from the official transcript. When it talk becomes scary. article, please email me at [email protected]) America’sAmerica’s Sweethearts:
Point, I opted for a guys!) on beautiful Sunset Blvd. By: Miss Namella J. Kim more entertaining round I finished my hot chocolate and of Hangman with Rick. wife burning on the pyre, yet he promptly threw up into the Photos by Kat Jetson (He got “phantasmagoric” with- continued to pull at his bass empty cup. Ahhh, the Orphans. Tuesday nights are general- in three letters – fucker should strings diligently – not missing a Vomit-inducing fun. ly the drag down, most depress- be on Wheel of Fortune or single note. His left hand must FYI: This interview took ing day of the week. It’s not something.) have been aflame for a good about a year to complete. like Monday when the initial Then came 12:30 – when solid minute. shock of going back to the all expectations have been The last note rung out into grind strangely motivates you dropped to their knees. Nothing the empty crowd and I made a Wade: Brandon (drummer) is at to weather through (Iron Man could have saved me from beeline for the band. I knew deep anger management class tonight triathlon style) another load of wanting to leave these immedi- down in my heart that they so he couldn’t be here. He has to your boss’s crap. Wednesdays ate, mind-numbing environs, would be the band I will come to take the class. Dan (guitar) is are hump days – the mere yet the three chords came manage. I ran up to them and home listening to the Circle coinage of the term evokes sex- buzzing through the cheap amp said, “That was fucking great! Jerks. ual rompage and debauchery! like a Texas Chainsaw Can I be your manager?” With Jenny: Oh my god. The next Thursdays calls the warrior out Massacre. The bass filled the those nine words I found myself tour is going to be great! I am from within – you party and room with sparse yet bebopping on a ride for a good eight feeling vulnerable, so I am going face the Friday with a sheer notes. Then Jenny came months, telling everyone I knew to stick my hand in your butt determination to slack the fuck onstage drunk as a trailer trash about them, making demo CDRs, crack. Your ass smells like off. So Tuesday, I’m sitting skunk, exposing her cotton and sending them out to anyone chocolate – maybe because I just with my handsome male com- panties while writhing across who would give them a listen. ate a bunch of chocolate. panion of the night, Rick Hall, the blood, beer and semen laid The ride was short but sweet. Wade: My butt smells like baby at dank and seedy Goldfinger’s floor. The Orphans were They have put out a single on powder! We should be in this in Hollywood proper. There’s onstage. My intrigue soon Malo Records, got nominated for issue (Razorcake #13) with little hope within these walls as turned into fevered cheers as The LA Weekly Music Awards GWAR. Hollywood’s rock scene con- they screamed, wailed, cried, 2002 for best punk band, along- Jenny: With Nardwaur? What if verges here with scattered per- and tumbled onto a set of five side such punk rock dinosaur Nardwaur was in GWAR? That formances of burlesque, bad of the most destructive songs mainstays like Bad Religion, got would be great! local acts strutting their stuff to I’ve heard in a long ass time. a healthy dose of local buzz from Wade: We could have been in it no avail, and Coyote Shivers Jenny cried, “I’m soooooo The Weekly, thanks to Falling but the first time we did this recanting glam rock glories of drunk you guys.” Then she James and Bob Cantu champi- interview, Nam puked into a cup the past. David J is an electro- promptly fell off stage while oning their cause. The Orphans so this didn’t meet the deadline. mongering guest DJ here some- clutching her Sailor Happy went on tour and when they Jenny: One time I puked in a times – that should clue you in. Tom (Turbonegro) hat. Many came back I quit as their manag- Macy’s bag in a garage. Nobody So where does one go to die in beers were tossed, Wade the er. I figured I was done, but for was there to watch it. No one a dark quiet place on a Tuesday bass player, was not going to be the band this is just their begin- was there to rub my back and night? Well, Goldfinger’s of one-upped by the cheap the- ning. I was sick to my guts, eat- hold my hair back. That’s how course! While the stimulating atrics of Sparrow’s Point. He ing a chocolate chocolate chip I’m gonna figure out who my performances of the night cul- took a giant swig of his 151 and cookie and downing some hot soul mate is, if a guy can be in a minated with a showstopping, spit fire into the audience. chocolate at Top Fuel bathroom with me when I puke, I over-the-top metal performance Meanwhile, he missed and set Coffeehouse (AA rock’n’roll know it’s good. by San Francisco’s fire and himself aflame like an Indian meeting central – thank you Wade: I hate puke. debris blowing, Sparrow’s Nam: What are you guys up to we totally dig the label. possessed by the devil. I had an band. these days? out-of-body experience. I could Wade: Recording. Hopefully, down the road, we Nam: Are you saying you’re not can do something with Rip Off see myself yelling and screaming a violent band? Nam: What are you recording? in the room. We’re recording for our but right now it’s not really for Wade: We all have so much Wade: Wade: The rest of the tour was full length, which should be out us. more fun than the people at the Nam: What happened in good, too. We hung out with The shows when we play. I just like at the end of summer on Hunches and The Units. Kapow Records, if we’re still Chico, Jenny? to swing my bass around for fun. Jenny: Wade was in the on the label by then. I don’t Jenny: I had a nervous break- If I hit someone, I hit someone. down in Chico. Hunches’ bathroom. Jenny: One time, Brandon threw know if he’s too happy with us. Wade: Have you ever been in a We played a party for one of Wade: It was one of the best a drumstick out, which is the shows ever. really hot, steamy bath with a only outburst Brandon ever had his distributors and we beat grip of drugs in your system? It someone up in front of them. Jenny: They put something in in the band. This guy comes up the alcohol there and only peo- feels good. I couldn’t figure out to us and he’s like, “ Your drum- Jenny: That guy had nothing the shower so I just took a bath. to do with it. He was just there ple in Chico could get drunk mer hit me in the eye!” off them. We all had so much Nam: Do you know how gay you Wade: Brandon’s sticks go for and started a riot. It was in sound right now? Sacramento. He was friends to drink and we were all sober. $30 on eBay, ‘cause it’s so rare We all had stomachaches from Wade: I couldn’t figure out how when you catch one. with the guy who was throwing to turn the shower on! the party. the sugar and we had to pee. Jenny: In the eye! Or in the Wade: She had a cat named Jenny: We were all trying to fig- neck… I wore a white t-shirt that Jenny: He wasn’t just some ure out what Wade was doing in dude. He was picking on us so Ganja and a roommate named says “in the neck.”
he asked for it. Sailor that was in the navy. Wade: Then, all of a sudden, She put us up. Kyle got punched in the neck. Jenny: I’m a crazy bitch and Wade likes to party waaay too Nam: What happened to Greg the bathroom. Lowery? Weren’t you guys much. When I’m tired, I want- Nam: How would you wrap up ed to go to sleep and I’m hid- Nam: What’s next for you guys? your beginning into one sen- gonna do something on Rip Off Wade: We’re all ready to go Records? ing in the sleeping bag in the tence? living room and everyone was back on tour. All of us love Wade: We were bored. Jenny: He just wanted to pro- something different about the duce us… partying around me. Then Jenny: We had the instruments. Wade wanted them to play band but we all love touring. I Wade: We had the instruments Wade: He wanted too much love to play live. Dan likes to control over us. “Talk Dirty to Me” at volume left over from the previous 10. Wade’s like, “Do you guys write songs. Brandon likes to bands. Jenny: He wanted Brandon to record. shave his beard off. We want have any Poison?!” Then the Jenny: And two out of four of us girl puts it on volume 10. Then Nam: What do you like Jenny? had anger problems. The Orphans to be the boss of Jenny: I like playing shows. I The Orphans. We love Rip Off. I freaked out and jumped out of Nam: Why is Brandon in anger my sleeping bag… love playing shows. Basically, I management class? It’s a good label. have a lot of pent-up anger. Wade: We just want to have Nam: What did you yell? Jenny: He’s still pissed off at the Jenny: “Fuck you, Wade! I’m Maybe I should go to anger man- “Dustin” incident. fun with it. We don’t want peo- agement with Brandon. If I didn’t ple to tell us what to do. sleeping in the van. Fuck this!” Wade: Have you ever talked to Wade: So then there was room have the band, I would probably him about that? Jenny: We don’t even like our- be a serial killer or end up killing selves so we don’t want some- on the couch for me. Nam: No comment. Jenny: So I slept in the van. I myself. Wade: Dude, he’s fuckin’ angry. one to tell us what to do. We Wade: For some strange reason weren’t on the same page but freaked out. It was like I was Nam: Is it like court appointed? everyone thinks we’re a violent Wade: You wouldn’t even know because sometimes he’s totally cial considerations for me just When we played out, we had a drop a $10 bill, it’s the biggest cool, but if he hates you, he will because I am a girl, a vaginal lot of people going nuts. When dilemma a band will go through let you know. hole. we play out of town, people are because they can’t figure out if Jenny: If you touch him or hit Wade: I don’t want girls to love so into it. they should grab it or not. him or anything he will hit you me because of my huge bulge in Jenny: People in LA are always There’s cum all over the floor back twice as hard. It doesn’t my pants. I want them to respect trying to figure out where we fit and there’s a mirror behind the matter if you are a boy or a girl. my playing. in or what band we are trying to dancer so you can see all the He will hit you and it’s gonna Jenny: That’s why he wears his rip off… other guys jacking off in their fucking hurt. I’ll forget and I’ll bass so low. Wade: They’re looking at what booths. hit him and I know; motherfuck- Nam: Ouch. Where do you see t-shirts we are wearing so they Nam: Who would you like to er, I know what comes next. yourself in the future? can see what bands we are into. play with on the next tour, Nam: Who has the best tattoos? Jenny: We don’t think about the They’re just not listening to the besides GWAR featuring Wade: Dan actually does tattoos band in the future. music anymore. Nardwaur? now. Wade: The band is just day by Jenny: We want people to get Wade: I wanna play with The Jenny: Who has the worst tat- day. When we quit having fun excited and be as excited about Tyrades, The Sex Machines, toos, you mean? Have you seen we’re not gonna be a band any- the show as we are. The Hunches, The Dirty Sweets, my Bobby Page? It used to be The Shemps… Bettie Page and then I got fat. Nam: I love The Shemps! How Then the tattoo bled out and was your show with them? started getting fucked up, so Jenny: We’re totally amazed by now it looks like a transvestite. Squeaky Shemp. He’s not only a So we all call her Bobby Page. bodily contortionist, he’s also a Nam: What happened when you facial one, too. I’ve never seen a broke your arm? grown man do a karate kick into Wade: I broke my elbow and I the splits and not miss a beat! was trying to play shows. I Wade: They were fun. I can’t broke it skateboarding at a pool wait to go to New York and play in Cerritos. I was skating with with them. I’ll bring burritos so Dan and the Street Trash guys. Artie can slip and break his arm So, I was trying to swing my on it again like he did in Frisco. bass around with this giant cast Jenny: I heard Artie played on my arm. It sucked and stupid with a broken arm and was people came up to me and said I jumping all over the place and was playing good. I know they was making fun of crippled peo- were lying. more. If one of us leaves, we are Wade: Why pay five bucks or ple. The Orphans give them our Nam: Who are some of the done. I just broke my arm and more to stand there and judge? seal of approval. bands you guys like these days? Phil the Roadie was singing. If someone comes up to hit me, Nam: What other bands? Wade: It’s slim pickings! We Phil is in the band. I get stoked. Jenny: The Deadly Weapons, all like The Circle Jerks and we Jenny: I was in the hospital Jenny: If someone hits me, I get The Fleshies… all own Circle Jerks albums. with strep throat. He sang. Wade and Dan to hit them back. Nam: How was that Fleshies Everyone is so scared to say Everyone was confused because Wade: That’s the thing about show at The Derby? Wait, I for- what they are into these days. I they thought there was a girl in the band, we didn’t find every- got to go. listened to Judas Priest! I listen the band. Everyone’s like, “Isn’t one from the Recycler or a cool Jenny: We forgot about it too. to Mercyful Fate. I still listen to there supposed to be a girl in the LA spot. We’ve been friends Nam: What happened? crust (punk) and death metal. band? There’s just some pirate- forever. That’s why we get Jenny: Two out of four of us It’s stupid to say how long looking guy singing.” along so good. I know people forgot about the show. I won’t we’ve been listening to punk Nam: What was the worst dis- have the wrong idea of us and mention whom. rock. I listened to everything. If gruntled showgoer experience? they still will. Wade: We had to play there at people judged everything by Jenny: Besides Tim from Jenny: I know Wade, Dan, and 8PM. (The Orphans are in the that, or appearance, the music Pomona. Brandon are there to protect me. Long Beach area.) How do we wouldn’t go anywhere. What we Wade: He still wants to chal- If the crowd is trying to be even get there by 8PM? That are wearing right now is what lenge me to a backyard aggressive with me, I just do the was Great White’s fault because we wear to play a show. wrestling match! (writer’s note: opposite to throw them off by it was supposed to be at The Jenny: I have a special pair of Wade blew fire into Tim’s eye kissing them or humping their Smell but the Smell got shut pants that are orthopedic that by accident.) Our shows are leg or licking them. I like it down, thanks to Great White. has a special plastic inside. It about people having fun. They when people can’t figure out if I We’ll show up to the next one. supports me like those people go to an Orphans show not am going to kiss them or punch We promise. that work in Staples that wear knowing if it’s gonna be a them in the neck. Nam: Any final thoughts? the back things because I hate sedate show or a show where Nam: Anything you want to Jenny: I had a good final bands with girl singers that dress they get punched or humped in share with the world? thought but I forgot it. up all slutty because they want the leg… Wade: We have PlayStation 2 Wade: It was THAT good. to have a girl in the band that Jenny: Or punched in the neck. in the tour van. Brandon wants to thank his looks like a slut. Wade: We would definitely like Jenny: The boys love to go to anger management coach – his Wade: Then everyone looks at to play shows where people are The Lusty Lady in San proverbial Jack Nicholson to his the girl and they can’t remember into it. Francisco to blow off some Adam Sandler. Dan wants to a note of any of the songs. Jenny: I don’t like to play steam. We want to get spon- thank everyone with Circle Jenny: I want to be judged on shows where they just stand sored by The Lusty Lady. Jerks albums. We would all like the same level as the boys. I around and judge you. Wade: You walk into the place to thank everyone in the don’t want people to make spe- Wade: LA’s notorious for that. and there’s a line of doors. It neck. says vacant or not vacant. If you The Orphans PO Box 1821, Los Alamitos, CA 90720 [email protected] 49 Sean and I showed up to the Broken Bottles’ suburban could get a better look. Travis, the bass player, a forklift house. It looked like Anystreet, Any Town, Stucco, USA. operator, and Jes’s older brother said, matter-of-factly, We’d met the band several weeks before, when they were “He likes looking at teeth.” It would come out later that a kind enough to play a Razorcake show at Juvee, an awe- cop had booted most of Jes’s out and that he’d just got some all-age venue in LA with a skate ramp. We were new ones. On Jes’s hand was a piece of gauze, fixed to his lead into the sweaty, cramped rehearsal space as they palm with white medical tape. It would come out that he careened and cracked through a couple of songs. It’s such was getting over scabies. We walked outside onto the good shit. It’s like Broken Bottles have set up a musical lawn. Darren, the guitarist, is the brain behind the distillery in that little room. All the greats of Orange schematics of the band. It would come out that he was a County – past and present – seemed to have heated, bub- millimeter away from serving an extended prison sen- bled, percolated, and condensed into this band. At first, tence. To fill out the picture is Drew, the drummer, who you may say, “Dude, they’re living in the past.” Not quite doesn’t talk that much. It would come out that he’s the so. Like bathtub vodka, if you don’t do it right – if you biggest Thrashin’ fan in the world. mess with the truer forms of punk rock in the wrong way Some bands pretend to be glorious fuckups to sell – it makes lesser bands go blind from milking their too more records. These guys make records and are in a band heroes too closely. Bands who don’t go blind, like the as a form of sonic radiation therapy. If they didn’t have Broken Bottles, hop up the proofing of punk’s grain alco- something positive to channel into, they’d probably be hol content. This is the rough stuff that somehow goes running through your back yard naked and pissing on down smooth and lights on fire when it goes down. your ferns. Right after he flipped off his amp, Jes “The Mess” Track down their singles on Hostage and Revenge. came over to me. “You have good teeth.” I smiled so he
y Interview b r and Sean: string is hard for him. one that we’ve got a band.” When I sent Todd Taylo ell On that Sean: How many strings do you need? that in, nobody knew. Sean Carsw the right, Cuts com- Travis: We’d go there and I’d visit him. Darren: I just wanted to play. picture to by Todd, pilation on One Sunday it’d be like, “You guys can Jes: I’m just doing it out of boredom. I’ve by All others Hostage, practice in the kitchen.” Then they’d get got nothing better to do.
Supersonic there’s irritated. “You can practice outside.” Travis: I made a tape – because we were Dan Monick an inter- Jes: They’d fuckin’ switch us around to dif- going to record, but the funds just weren’t esting ferent rooms and I’d try to show him how to happening – so we used this little tape play- story about how play. So, yeah, I wrote that song, “In er, the little kind, you know? I had tons of you guys first started out as a band. Do you Rehab” and put it on the Cuts album. We tape, so I cut it up and compacted it and mind telling that story in your own words? sent him a tape of me playing that song in gave it to Rick (one of the Hostage hon- Jes: I got locked up, where they put you in my punk room, and decided, “Okay, this chos). He was stoked on it. It was fuu-zzy. I rehab and it’s long-term rehab and it’s sounds like Social Distortion. Let’s put have the original thing. [Makes breaking, called the Gary House. I went to jail for two them on our comp.” [laughing] static sounds.] We sat in the middle of the months. Then they put me in Gary House, Todd: Not to get too philosophical, but room and played into it. and then I failed. Then I went back to jail, what’s the purpose of the band? Beer, Jes: It was total shit. We just sent it to him then I went back to Gary House for a year, chicks, and money? Is it a coincidence that and he was interested, which is pretty weird, then I went back to jail because I couldn’t you’re on Hostage, which is an extremely for a band that came out of nowhere. finish the program right and then I did six reputable label run by really nice, ethical Travis: When I sent in that tape, we sent a months at the Salvation Army and I finally guys who have a nice community of loose- bunch of songs. He wrote a letter back. I got out. I told the judge, “I just want to get knit bands? was floored, dude. Rick picked that song close to God,” [snickering] and they let me Darren: Basically, that whole Cuts thing out and he’s all, “Go record that song.” out and it worked out all right because now started with there’s plenty of great bands Darren: Basically, when we recorded that, I’m closer to God than I’ve ever been. And that don’t get any acknowledgement for no one had a tuner and so it’s about a step I got some new teeth because I got an SSI anything they did because they don’t have and a half too high. The song sounds a little (Supplemental Security Income – disability anyone behind them. Hostage got behind different when you hear it live. It’s still the checks) and they pay my rent and all the this band full-blown. same song but it’s completely different things that I do. Travis: Hostage came because I pushed notes. Travis: In the meantime, he was teaching that. I’m just into their bands. I knew that I Jes: We recorded “Gothic Chicks” for a me how to play bass. wanted to be on that label so when we start- hundred dollars… Jes: He’s still on the top string. The second ed a band, I told Jes, “Don’t even tell any- Darren: If nothing else comes out of it, if nobody else comes and interviews shit. He needed us or we never get another to be spayed and show… neutered and taken Jes: If you’re talking about pussy, to the vet. I seen two fourteen-year-old girls Todd: Darren, you used to come up to Darren and want to drum for the Starvations? fuck him after the show. At Juvee. Darren: Yeah. Probably close And he just stood there and to ten years now. Me and smiled, like aaahhh. Gabe and Louis from Los Darren: I gave them a record to Villains started The make them go away. I think if Starvations. everything were to end and Jes: I want to make them nobody wanted to hear our band, starve. I want to take away all we’d still be coming here once or of their food privileges. twice a week because it’s cool. Darren: The Starvations Jes: If I have to, I will play in this evolved into what it is now room and not play shows. I’ll just when Ian hooked up with play for the fuck of it. them when I went to jail and Darren: I honestly have fun every rehab. I don’t remember time we play and that’s what it which one, but it was six dif- always comes back to. ferent trips that I had to take. I Travis: My biggest thing is that I finally talked to Gabe. “You wanted to hang out with my broth- guys should get somebody er. That’s why I wanted to play. else.” He said, “Yeah.” And I “Teach me how to play bass.” I’ve couldn’t really play drums, never had time before. I was either. Just kick, snare, kick, stoked when we first played in the snare, kick, snare. That was garage. “Woah, it’s cool.” I never the only beat I’d play for all even fathomed… I thought we’d the songs. But, it was fun and just play with a couple friends’ Gabe’s still one of my best bands. friends. No hard feelings. I Darren: Now we have to make just couldn’t stay out of trou- decisions about stuff. ble. Todd: How’d you all meet? Travis Travis: Didn’t you guys play and Jes, you’re brothers. How’d a radio station? you meet Darren? Darren: We did KUCI a Jes: We had a band together when couple times. We took all the we were teenagers called The CDs off of wall one time. Dogs, in 1994. It was a faster I’m not even sure if that paced band. was The Starvations. It Drew: I’ve known Jessie for ten might have been this years. Jes: That night, I did the most other band called The Todd: Why were The Dogs beautiful thing I’ve ever done. Fifties that we had. banned in so many clubs? Their cop car was parked out Todd: How did you Travis: I’d set them up a show in front of the apartment. come up with the name and they’d go and destroy it, took a piss all over theirI Broken Bottles? Is it sig- dude, every time. fucking cop car. nificant or is it just a Jes: Because there was a member Some guy I name? didn’t even know, comes up and of the band who is the singer of Jes: I tried to call it The The Dogs, named Nate Holt. We shakes my hand. “Thanks for Unloved. called him Nate Hate and he tried doing that.” Drew: We were having to fight everybody, including the major trouble with names. manager. Every show. Jes: Travis – we had a lyric in Drew: Same as you, dude. bought it at Noise, Noise, Noise one of my songs, “…stars and stripes, bro- Jes: Basically, I’m blaming it on him for seven cents. It really is a decent record. ken bottles” – and he’s all, “Let’s call the because he wanted to destroy everything, Travis: Someone wrote that it was the ugli- band that.” My drummer follows me for including microphones and whatever was in est cover they’d ever seen. months and says, “We’re not calling the his way. The Dogs really didn’t sound pret- Darren: [to Jes] You figured out that you band that.” Keep in mind, we were playing ty. were a much better singer and started get- a show. We needed to put a name on the Travis: I think the only show you ever ting more confident. flyer. Broken Bottles. Then we find out that pulled off was in San Clemente. Jes: Right. The light bulb went off and I there’s another band in Connecticut, and Jes: And then the bass player was never said, “Okay, I can sing better than this guy they’ve been emailing Darren and saying there, so I’d have to show somebody how to and he just wants to destroy everything.” “Fuck you. You stole the name from us.” play bass at the last minute. There was no Darren: Jes would sing a couple songs on it Now we want to sue. I’m trying to get an control. Darren came to a show one time and people would say, “You’ve got to sing attorney. and he started a fight with the bouncer, too. all of them.” Todd: You should do what the Smut I don’t know what the tough guy thing was. Jes: Now I have more energy, more confi- Peddlers did. Call up the other band and Darren: Gabe from The Starvations and I dence, and more self esteem. say, “Listen, no weapons, parking lot, last did a Dogs 7” and I think we’ve still got Drew: Wouldn’t Nate bark like a dog? man standing.” Julia wrote them that, plus, 1,200 of them. The last time I saw it, I Jes: Yeah. He’d bark. I’d put him on a leash “I’m a girl.” when I walked him around the park and 51 Darren: The one singer guy looks pretty you fuckin’ just go away. Jes: Laying out with his fuckin’ Zinka on. big, though. I’m not really that worried Todd: How much does San Onofre and the Travis: I remember being a little kid and about it. nuclear power plant right down the coast we’d sneak on and trash shit. I think this Travis: Names are the roughest thing to play in Broken Bottles? It’s conspicuous whole down south area, there are some agree on. because Smogtown’s in San Clemente, strange characters. Jes: We wanted to get away from “The.” which is close to here, too, and The Fuhrers Todd: It’s kind of freaky. That was a big thing. of the New Wave was heavily themed with Travis: Yeah. It is. Everyone says, Darren: Because so many bands are “The” radiation. Do you know any hushed occur- “Suburbia. Mission Viejo. Everything’s per- somethings. rences at the nuclear power plant that’s fect,” this and that. Bullshit. It gets more Jes: If you look at bands on MTV, there’s a basically in your neighborhood? hairy down here with anger sometimes than “The” in it. The Donnas. I want to have sex Jes: Okay, well I know some kid who said going towards LA or Long Beach. There’s with the fat Donna. The bass player. You his balls turned green after he went out surf- way more tension. Guys with four by fours know, anal. ing. [laughter] [makes rattling engine sounds] “I’m going Darren: You’ve had a thing for fat chicks Travis: I’d have to say in San Clemente, to fucking kill you.” lately, huh? there’s some strange characters. Darren: This place was built on our parents Jes: The Donnas, Kelly Osbourne. There’s Jes: San Cle-meth-te, like they do a lot of wanting to have the nice yuppie lifestyle no end to gothic chicks. meth amphetamine. and drive nice cars that they probably Sean: What’s the porn with Kelly Travis: It’s a weird, lost little border town. couldn’t afford. Through it all, I think most Osbourne? What’s that story? (Border to Camp Pendelton, a huge military of these kids got overlooked. I know I kind Jes: Okay, I want to do a porn with her. I’m base.) of did, to some extent. If you look around, trying to get sued by her. Once she gets to Darren: It’s definitely not like the rest of everything looks nice. talk to my attorney, my public defender, Orange County. whatever I gotta do, then we’ll deal with it. Todd: Travis, what’s the worst fight you ever got into with your brother? s: I got this toy shark that was six Jes: You punched me in grandma’s Je house when I was five and I tried to beat inches long and I put it on my dick and I you up, but I hit the wall [makes hitting got a blow job on camera. sound] from four feet away. Drew: Stuck a fuckin’ envelope opener Darren: Travis is pretty strong. He don’t up your ass. look like it, but he’s a tough guy. Travis: I’ll never watch that video. Travis: Remember the old race tracks with the tongues you slipped together? Travis: Everything’s perfect. Todd: Hot Wheels? Travis: Plus, it used to be a Marines town. Darren: But what the fuck are you sup- Travis: Yeah. If you whipped – whachaa. I It was a full-on jarhead town. posed to do when you’re a kid? remember we were doing something and he Jes: Sometimes, I sneak up on the base, but Travis: Surf, skateboard. If you’re in got me with one of those one really good. I’ve never actually gone up to where the tits Mission Viejo, you’re fucked. He once got me with a belt. I used to mess are and just touched the nuclear reactor. Jes: By the time I’m in my twenties, now with him a lot. He used to hang out with all I’ve been out there. they’re installing skate parks. of my friends. Travis: My dad had work out there and he Travis: I think there’s a fucking clash. Not Todd: What’s the age difference? ended up dying of full-blown cancer. I think that it’s bad, it rules. If you can go to the Travis: We’re eight years apart. One of the they do have a lot of shit that happens that fuckin’ beach a mile away, it’s insane. It funniest stories is one of my best friends we don’t know about. I know the beach has seems like all the rich are on the hills. It’s a was at the beach and we always used to pick been closed down there a lot. We’ve surfed weird thing. And then you go to San Juan on Jes and stuff. He’d get all irritated. He down there. If you surf in front of it, even in Capistrano and you’ve got the full cholos, wouldn’t cry. He’d always come back and the dead of winter, it’s totally warm. their own gangs, their whole trip. In San try to do something or hang out. My friend Darren: If you think of all the bullshit Clemente you have Mexican gangs fighting was laying on a towel and Jessie came up going on in the world right now, everyone each other. It’s weird. behind him and pissed on him. That guy seems to conveniently overlook that that Todd: Everyone has to answer this ques- was a tough dude. thing’s right there. If a plane was to crash tion. What was the last thing that was stolen Jes: I got him back. He used to throw me up into that… from you? in the air and not catch me. When I turned Travis: Well, they have one off, right, for Jes: I got a shirt ripped off from me by the five, I pissed on him. years? I think they turned one off ten years guy who left about ten minutes ago. I got Travis: He turned around, like, “You’re ago because they were trying to figure records stolen from me by people who say fucking brother pissed on me.” It was fuck- out… that they’re my friends. Videos. Everything. ing hilarious. Jes: They took one boob out… I own one Broken Bottles record and I play Darren: Travis has a very high tolerance Todd: A mastectomy. in the band. They gave me five. for everything. Jes: Like Nancy Reagan. Just one tit. Darren: It’s been awhile. I kind of like Jes: I know he’s started to drink a little bit Darren: It’s kind of a scary thought. Dude, don’t let anybody come over to my house. more since he’s entered our band. look, it’s two miles away. That’s one thing I’ve stood for. No matter Travis: You’re just noticing because we’re Sean: Didn’t Christie Brinkley have a how much I hated somebody, I wouldn’t hanging out more. whole big thing about wanting to put a steal their records or their guitars or their Jes: So you have your private stash at naval ship to patrol it, right after September girlfriends, for that matter. home, hide the bottles? 11th? Jes: Do you ever cross the line after, like Travis: That’s my biggest thing, being in a Travis: I’m sure. the next time they come over and say, band with my brother. Eight years apart, Darren: They’ve finally agreed to give “Okay, you can’t come over any more you get spread apart. It’s hard to keep in everybody those pills, potassium iodine, because you stole something from me”? touch. Being in a band, that was one of my which will combat radioactive fallout. What do you do? Beat them up? Do you biggest deals, to hang out in a world you Travis: Nixon had a ranch right there, too, accept them as a person and pretend that never got to share with someone because in San Onofre. they’re your friend? photo by Dan Monck Darren: Nah. look at each other. They’re all, “He can stay to get and trade diseases Sean: Are you asking out of personal expe- here, right?” Then they gave half of our like baseball cards, you rience? friends DUIs when they left the place, too. know what I mean? Jes: Yeah. Jes: That night, I did the most beautiful Todd: Why is it important, to you, Drew: My car stereo got ripped off. thing I’ve ever done. Their cop car was that you’re a punk band from Jes: Your whole car got ripped off when parked out in front of the apartment. I took Orange County? What kind of history you were living in LA. a piss all over their fucking cop car. Some is involved or what are you drawing from? Drew: I lived in LA and my truck got guy I didn’t even know, comes up and Jes: I like TSOL a lot. I fuckin’ think that stolen. I moved to Newport Beach and my shakes my hand. “Thanks for doing that.” DI, Adolescents, all the Orange County fucking CD player got ripped off a couple You can’t get away with that anymore. bands that came out of here, have been pret- months ago. That was the last thing. They’ve got the video camera in the cop ty good. I was born right by Theo Lacy Travis: I left my skateboard on my porch cars. Prison in the hospital in Orange County. and knowingly – this was before I had a Darren: Not pointing up. You did that off I’m not going to lie and say I’m from L.A. gate – “Aw shit, I’m just going to try it.” I left it there and it was gone. Snaked. And a camera, just the other day. My girlfriend was having a garage sale. Two dudes around sixty – one dude was asking her questions and the other dude took off with it. I was floored. I was like, “Whatever, have fun, dude.” Todd: Which one of you has made a movie and what is it about? Jes: How do you know about that? Okay, I made a little documentary. It’s called Liquid Squid. It was about me. When I was nine- teen, this guy – funny story – he had a video camera and used to shoot videos for surf guys like Volcom and shit like that. His name was Tim Wade. He said, “I want to shoot a documentary.” So I went around and I did all this stupid shit. I got this toy shark that was six inches long and I put it on my dick and I got a blow job on camera. Drew: Stuck a fuckin’ envelope opener up your ass. Travis: I’ll never watch that video. Drew: Jes watched it with his mom. Jes: Tim suggested I do something stupid and I did something like that. He had a cast on at the end of the movie and he punched me in the face and I got kicked out of the the balcony, didn’t you? Why not be honest? I’m from suburbia. house and we watched the video the next Jes: No. I went right up to the front… I Kicking it on a grass lawn. It’s the truth. day. Two weeks later, he died. He went have full-blown scabies right now. [laugh- This is middle class life. It’s hilarious but crazy. He stole five thousand dollars from ter] No, I really do. I’m serious. that’s the way it is. I like a lot of the bands this guy’s house that we’d just filmed the Travis: It’s getting way better. He’s had it out of Orange County. For Rick to even movie at, from his credit card or some for a couple months. start a label called Hostage is good because deranged thing. They found him at hotel in Jes: Scabies is an itching, irritating feeling I don’t see any other labels in Orange San Clemente, in the bath, purple, with a that you want to go to bed but it’s red and it County or supporting Orange County bands. needle in his arm. He was a dead duck. has bugs and it crawls around all over your They’re always going somewhere else. Darren: Two days after Liquid Squid, when body. I went to the doctor but I didn’t have Darren: I live in North Hollywood right Jes came over to show the movie at my money and they told me – it was a nurse – now. I’ve lived there for years, but I always house, he almost got shot by the cops “Well, if you have this problem, here’s this think I’m from Orange County and I’m because he has this little dinosaur hand toy lotion. If it’s not that, then it’s scabies. If moving back. I was born back East in that kind of looks like a trash picker upper. it’s not that, then we’ll put you in the hospi- Bridgeport, CT. I moved out here when I We were having this party at my house and tal.” So they didn’t give me a solution and I was seven or eight. I was a fuckin’ lost, the cops showed up and said, “Everybody just kept itching all the time and eventually pissed-off kid before I found punk rock. I has to leave.” So, everybody was going. they put it away. remember hanging out with kids from all “Hey you, in there, come out.” And Jes Travis: Tell the story when you were in around here – and there weren’t that many comes out with this dinosaur and he’s got it Carl’s Jr. and you were jonesing for your of them. hidden behind his back. “Get your hands cream. Jes: Was it true that they were called The out.” Jes: Yeah. So, I got the lotion. I finally Little Girls From Laguna Beach before they Travis: This was Crown Valley, dude. went to Longs Drugs. I got my prescription were called Starvations? They’ve got nothing going on. for scabies. I’m in the bathroom, trying to Darren: No, not to my knowledge. But, I Darren: The cops thought he had a gun. put the lotion on. I’ve got my pants down to did hang out in Laguna a lot and, for the Jes: And they took our chicks. We had ten my fuckin’ ankles. I’ve got a bottle of first time, I found somebody. I didn’t feel so chicks. lotion, and this guy walks into the bath- fuckin’ strange. Darren: The cops were being stern and room. “Ooohh.” He thought I was jerking Travis: Mike Lohrman helped out a lot. kicking everybody out. They were about off. “Okay, I’ll just leave you alone there.” (Mike’s the lead singer of the Stitches and ready to leave, then they go, “What are we My scabies are going away. I’m not going owner of Vinyl Dog Records.) going to do about the crazy guy?” They all 55 Darren: I fuckin’ spent years hanging out at feel that, right now, I’m discovering where I by the cops. Now, he’s living back at home. Lohrman’s shop when I was eleven and belong musically. For some reason, it just He’s got a purpose now. He plays music twelve, riding the bus down, running away clicks with me. and he goes to school to cut hair. from home. I didn’t have a bad life. My par- Drew: I was born and raised in this town. Travis: Yeah, he almost graduated from ents had food and everything for me, but you Ever since I was a little kid, I’d listen to the hair salon. know what? Fuck this shit. I wanna do what I Circle Jerks and I learned how to play drums Darren: Jessie was a serious fuckin’ hand- wanna do. to that. ful before. I used to wake up to this guy in Travis: I like the story you were telling me Jes: He was the biggest Circle Jerks fan. He my living room at five in the morning talk- when you won that Clash button. had Circle Jerks shirts on all the time. He’d ing to himself in the mirror. No joke. Now, put the headphones on with Circle Jerks on it. he’s blossoming into such a nice young man. [some laughing] And he writes the most amazing songs. He wrote a song the other night that my girlfriend’s pissed at me because I keep playing. I made him record it because I wanted to take it home. Jes: I thought you were on drugs or some- thing because you wanted to hear the song over and over. Darren: Jessie’s songs, I’m just amazed every time we write one. I can’t believe it’s come out of him again. Jes: “Radioactive San Onofre” was, actu- ally, my dad wrote those lyrics and I stole it from him. Travis: Yeah! He copped to it, finally. Yes, yes. Jes: I told him to come to the show and he checked it out. He’s all, “You changed the lyrics a little.” He’s not going to sue me or nothing. Travis: When we were kids – our Dad still is but isn’t doing it as much – is a writer. He did a lot of plays in a lot of places. Poems, too. He has a book he actually pub- lished but it sits in his closet. It’s one of his poems. He has a whole book of tons of poems and lyrics. His characters, when he Jes: When Kurt Cobain died and they had Drew: That drummer taught me how to was doing poems, he was Ronaldo Hep. Blow Your Brains Out Day at Vinyl Dog. He play. He’d get in the full outfit and the hat. The signed all these records and pretended that he Travis: On a drum set that freakin’ floated picture on the cover is him jumping the was Kurt Cobain and he got a hundred bucks around San Juan from Filthy Phil to Steve power plant. for each record. That’s how sick the fuck is, Stern. Jes: On San Onofre. really. Yeah. Jes: It had a sponge on the high hat and a Travis: My mom took the photos. It’s kind Darren: I kinda got introduced to Orange sock on it. Trash can lids. of cut and paste. I bug him all the time. I County punk music through him. I was first Darren: I sold it to some Mexicans at a want to get it out there. Eventually, I’m just into the Dead Kennedys and Minor Threat. garage sale for fifty bucks. going to take them. Then Agent Orange and Social Distortion Travis: The recording engineer, Jerry, was, Todd: Get a couple of sixty-year-old men and those are some of my favorite bands like, “I can’t tune this.” And then he’s all, to do the job. now. “You know what? Who’s to tell an artist Travis: Totally. Travis: There’s a lot of bands out of here, what color to use on the paintings? We’ll Drew: I hadn’t seen Darren for a long time. years ago. UTI. just figure it out.” We’re all, “Yeah.” We had our first guitar player, Ace. He left. Drew: UTI rules. Darren: The people who bought it barely Johnny No Good. Travis: That guy died two years ago. spoke English bought it for their son to play Jes: Heroin addict. Jes: A lot of bands didn’t get noticed. drums for their church. That drumset with Drew: Jessie said he wanted to bring in Travis: That’s another thing. Yeah, you can the upside-down cross is now in a church. Darren and at first I didn’t want a guitar be from Orange County, but if you just stay Drew: My girlfriend bought me a new drum player. He came and played and it was right here, that kind of sucks, too. set. fuckin’ rad and it just clicked. The rest is Darren: Orange County seems to be a place Jes: She’s a stripper. She takes all her history. This guy does everything in the – I don’t know what it is – but it seems like clothes off in LA. band. bands from Orange County have a hard time Todd: Look to the person in your band to Darren: I drove down from North getting any further than being great, big your right and say how they’ve changed the Hollywood, three or four days in a row, and hometown heroes. most in the last two years. learned the whole set in two or three days Todd: The Crowd never did a national tour. Darren: It was probably about two years just because I was that stoked on playing. Travis: They’re thinking about it. A ago that Jes – I went to go visit him in Theo This was before anything had happened. European tour, I heard. Lacy – he had no teeth. He was tore up. Travis: You came to that one show and you Darren: If somebody would pay for us to get This was right around the beginning of the liked it. to the next city so we could go see the States band. I was doing the same thing. I was a Darren: I was so stoked. or the world, or whatever, fuck, that’s worth little later on in the program. I had already Jes: We were on the same bill as him, and it to me. That’s all I’ve wanted to do since I done my jail time. So, I went and saw Jes. he was like, “If you ever need a guy.” I said, was a little kid. I was always really into He’d been in a high-speed chase and “I think it’s going to happen really quick music and I didn’t know where to place it. I crashed his car and had teeth knocked out because this guy is going to go to jail.” And he did. Budda bam, budda bing. I swung n’t want to go to the doctors. I was just Jes: We’re not talking him in there. dying. I asked some people and they gave about that one. I went to Fuck you, Dale Darren: I’d always told Jessie through the me Vicodin and some pills and I don’t even County and I did my little deal years that I thought his songs were amazing. take pills. Then I took them and I was, like, and I went to rehab. It was right When I saw the band play, it was rough, but aaahhhh, this is why everyone is into pills. I when Prop 36 came out. (Prop 36 lets you could hear the songs. It floored me. had a beer. I was relaxing. I even told my first- and second-time, non-violent, sim- Travis: Drew. He’s been a way happier boss. Then I went back to work and they ple drug possession offenders have the dude these last couple of years. I’ve known said, “You either have to go to the clinic or opportunity to receive substance abuse Drew for years and he used to be way more go back to work full time.” And I wasn’t treatment instead of jail time.) It was a new gnarly and kinda just irritated. “Fuck this feeling that rad. “I’ll go to the clinic.” No thing. The judge still let me go to rehab and shit.” He’s been way more happy. Even big deal. I didn’t even think twice. I went to I was nineteen. with his chick, he’s stoked. the clinic. Peed. Came out dirty. “A dirty Darren: Mine was for numerous things. I Darren: Not so negative. test is a dirty test. Fifteen years. You’re out began to play a game with the police. They Jes: Drew was so negative growing up as a of here.” I’m all, “I made myself go down. would arrest me and they would put me in child, if he could be not negative for five No one sent me.” jail and try me for stuff and I would always Darren: We were having to carry his amp win. I was a juvenile and it’s hard to win for him. those cases because you’re adjudicated Jes: Drew was so negative Travis: I was rather than given a jury trial. It’s whatever growing up as a child, hurting, dude. the judge decides. I’d spent a year and a if he It ended up half, two years of my teenage life, inside of could be not negative for five that I had to jail and won all of my cases. On the last minutes, my mom would pay him cop that I have a round, I was eighteen and they were like, two dollars. pill problem. I “You’re going to prison and you’re going had to go in front for fifteen years.” Basically, I got caught of some people and with a whole bunch of drugs and somebody minutes, my mom would pay him two dol- talk and sign and say I need help. OD’d and almost died – he’s dead now lars. Jes: Have you been going to the meetings? from something else – but they wanted to Darren: Drew is still very negative, but it’s Because I’ll sponsor you. charge me with murder. It was all this not as bad. Darren: This is the biggest fuckin’ joke. gnarly shit. I learned my lesson there. I took Jes: He’s like, “I wake up and I say, ‘Fuck, Travis: Now, it’s funny, at work, all the a plea and went through a drug program. I hate this!’” He’d wake up in the morning heavy bosses are like, “We always knew Travis: You were clean for a long time. and hate life. It all came around. No Prozac you were always on the pills and weed.” Darren: Three years. Completely sober. I or nothing. But that was a pretty fucked situation. made a decision at that point. Hey, my life Todd: Jes, what about Travis? Sean: Jes and Darren, what were you guys isn’t going anywhere but a bad place and Jes: Travis doesn’t change. He’s perfect. arrested for? the stuff that kept happening was getting He bought a house. He pays rent. He does Jes: The last time that I ever had: high- worse and worse and they were making everything he’s supposed to do. He’s so part speed pursuit, resisting arrest, three under stuff up, too. It was like, if I don’t go some- of society and that’s the best thing in the the influences. where else and do something, I’m going to world, to pull your shit off. He’s not fuck- Drew: Cop fucked him up so bad. be fucked. I completed my program. I’m ing up. He’s not going to cause anything Jes: ‘Cause the same cop would come right probation-free and everything else. I still going down. here [Jes’s mom’s house] and would arrest wonder if I could have beat it. I think I Darren: Jes has to say nice stuff. Travis is me for being on drugs and the last time I could have. the one who gets the checks for Jes every saw him and he saw me, I fuckin’ floored it. Todd: It’s better not to find out. month. It wasn’t even my car. He kicked my teeth Darren: It was a pretty big gamble at that Jes: I get SSI and he cashes the check for out. He beat the shit out of me. point. We weren’t talking about going to me. Drew: And your mom took pictures. Los Piños for six months and hanging out at Darren: He has to have a trustee for it. Jes: What can you do? If you hit him back, the ranch. Jes: Every month, they pay me, so I bought that’s fuckin’ assault on a police officer, Travis: Fuck all those cages, man. No way. a guitar, an amp, the whole nine yards. and I knew that in my head, so I just took Darren: The plea was that if I fucked up, I That’s how I make my living. the abuse. had to go to prison for three years. I saw Darren: [to Travis] You’ve had the same Darren: There is some rational thinking in Jessie at the record store and we went and job for, what, sixteen years? there. relapsed together. [laughter] This was kind Travis: Fifteen years. Warehouse forklift Jes: I ended up in the hospital. And when of ironic because I had your mom and Fred operator. It used to be Kraft Foods. I’m standing in court, they wanted to charge at the door, banging on my hotel room, and Shipping and receiving. Right now, it’s US me because his fist got cut from punching the police calling on the phone. Foods. Just recently, a lot of the older guys, the shit out of me. Jes: That was Katia. Katia called your who have been working there since ’69, Darren: From his teeth. house. She tried to hit me with a skateboard, when I was born, they’re all beat. Recently, Jes: They wanted to charge me for him right in the face, and I outran that. I’ve been thinking, “Fuck, that can be me in beating me up. They wanted me to pay an Darren: Talking about the signs that you a couple years.” extra hundred bucks or something. should stop – when the police start calling Jes: And Travis refuses to move up in the Sean: Did you have to? on the phone and asking about dead bodies work world. He could wear a tie and boss Jes: No. and your mom’s banging at the door. And people around and stuff, but Travis will not Drew: Did you tell him you liked his boots? this was in a short period of half an hour. I take that job. Jes: No. He booted me in the mouth a few just went back to jail. Just checked myself Darren: Tell them the story about the times. It was Officer Peterson. back in. I had to go to court. “Okay, I Vicodin. Travis: Was that the same when the neigh- fucked up. I’ll take the jail now.” They let Travis: I was helping someone move and bor jumped on you and you broke the me back out again and gave me hurt my back. I haven’t smoked pot in fif- fence? another shot at the program and I did teen years because they do drug tests Jes: No. I have a juvenile record, but that’s it. because it’s all heavy machinery. So I hurt all clear. my back. It was over the weekend and I did- Travis: You rolled a car down the street. 57 INTERVIEW AND PHOTOS BY SEAN CARSWELL A few years ago, I worked in a rock’n’roll bar blast 4AM Friday through the club’s sound sys- in Atlanta, and one of the guys I worked with was tem and wash away the memories of each night’s an old NYC punker named Jim. Jim was a huge generic bands. In my mind, that album became a fan of Johnny Thunders and the New York Dolls talisman against generic punk. And it’s not that and the Ramones and all those seventies New Avail hadn’t done anything before or after that York/CBGBs bands. He and I would sit in the back album. Prior to 4AM Friday, they’d released Dixie, of the bar a lot of nights, watching all the touring which my friend had dubbed for me, and I wore and local acts come through, listening to generic out the cassette version of it and bought it on hardcore and generic punk and weakly disguised CD. After 4AM Friday, they went on to perfect classic rock and fourth generation Ramones their mix of hardcore with infectious melodies on knock-offs. Finally, one night Jim gave up on both Over the James and One Wrench. They’ve music altogether and told me, “No one’s doing toured incessantly with bands like Dillinger Four anything original anymore. You can listen to and Leatherface, and they’ve brought their high every one of these goddamn bands and tell energy live set – complete with their own cheer- exactly who they’re ripping off.” I disagreed. Not leader – to just about every corner of the US about the bands that played in our bar. By and where one or two punks might be found. And large, they sucked. But about music in general. they’ve followed all of this up with some great Right around that time, Avail’s new album, 4AM songs on their latest release, Front Porch Friday, had just come out, and I couldn’t listen to Stories. Still, despite all of their accomplish- it enough. And it was original. And you couldn’t ments over their ten years as a band and despite pick out their influences. In fact, the album had all of their great music, the best thing they’ve nothing to do with the Ramones or the Sex done, in my mind, is fill up the sound system of Pistols or Johnny Thunders or any of the bands that rock’n’roll bar late nights in Atlanta, helping that everyone rips off, but it fucking rocked. So I Jim and me keep our faith in music despite the dubbed the album onto a cassette for Jim and fact that we’d spent another evening watching handed it to him and said, “Here you go, Jim. another slaughter of punk rock. For this reason, I This’ll make you believe in punk again.” A month hunted them down on their last trip through LA, later, Jim came into work with a CD of 4AM and I did this interview with Avail’s singer, Tim. Friday. “I wore my tape out,” he told me. This is the power of Avail. AVAIL is: For a while after that, whenever the bands Tim Barry – vocals, Ed Trask – drums were done playing and Jim and I were left to Gwomper – bass, Joe Banks – guitar Beau Beau – cheerleader 58 clean up the bar by ourselves, we’d Sean: How was Born Against instrumental in Avail getting started and help with the label, Adam and the guy from Assembly, Chris, as a band? kinda merged and it became Catheter Assembly Records. So the Tim: Oh, man, you’re going way back, bringing up old shit. When original Avail record (Satiate) is actually on Catheter. Then we I was living in this big house in Richmond with the rest of the guys repressed it on Assembly. And there were three different covers, in the band, I used to set up shows. I did shows with bands like because they all sucked and we kept changing them. Econochrist, Rorschach. The really ultra-underground bands at the Sean: I thought there would be more of a story behind the name time that gave punk a kick in the ass – because punk was really “Catheter Assembly.” Like, why would you want to name a record mundane and boring in the early nineties, in my opinion. I set up a label after the act of putting together a catheter? show for a band called Born Against. Adam Nathanson, who was Tim: Assembly was relevant in Chris’s world because he’s way the guitarist in Born Against, into labor unions and stuff like called me up and asked me to set that. In fact, he’s a union boss in up a show. So I did. And every- Las Vegas right now, represent- body in my house, there was ing the largest restaurant and fourteen of us, fell in love with hotel union in the country. So Born Against. And Adam that was Chris’s world. And Nathanson, along with the rest Catheter comes from Adam’s of the guys in Born Against, obsession with his urethra. He explained to us how we could be was constantly sticking stuff up part of this underground net- it. Like, I’d walk in the room and work of bands touring. he’d have a pencil halfway down Basically, Adam sat me down his dickhole. That went on for and taught me how to set up years. That’s where “catheter” tours. He sent me a list of phone came from. numbers from their previous Sean: Who taught you how to tours for people and places ride the rails? where they’d had good shows. I Tim: Woody Guthrie. started calling the numbers and Sean: There was no one person saying, “Hey, I got your number who took you down to a freight from Adam Nathanson from yard and showed you? Born Against. He said you Tim: No, there was. But I lis- might be able to set up a show tened to records too much – for us.” And the girl on the other country and bluegrass records end of the line would say, that talk about broken-hearted “Yeah, yeah. When are you and broke guys, bums hopping coming through?” And that’s freight trains to get away from how we learned to tour. their problems. I kept thinking Between our roommate, about it. I’d always been around Adam Thompson – who’s now a trains my whole life. I started writer in San Francisco; he getting obsessed with trying to writes for the Bay Guardian – ride them. I didn’t know what I he’s the guy who put out our was doing until a buddy of mine, first record. So, without him and Ronny – we call him Ronny Adam Nathanson, the two Richmond – was staying with me Adams, Avail would not be what we are right now. and I was talking to him about wanting to hop a train and he was Sean: When did all of this happen? like, “Shit, I’ll do that.” He grew up in a trailer park. He was poor. Tim: The first time I used that list was probably 1993. His uncle had taught him how to ride. So he was like, “Shit, I’ve Sean: When you did that, did you get any shit for not sounding ridden trains before.” So he took me down to the ACCA yard in anything like Born Against? Richmond. It runs north and south. He got all stealth and ran Tim: No. Our records didn’t sound like Born Against. We didn’t around the yard until we found a worker to tell us what train to get know what we were doing when we recorded our first record, so it on. I caught my first train the next morning. At six A.M., I woke sounds more like Kansas than Avail. But, we played differently, up on a boxcar. That shit started rolling and that was my first trip. live. But, you know what? Come to think of it, we did do a few We rode to Rocky Mount, North Carolina and hitchhiked over to shows out of town before Adam gave us the list. We had some Raleigh, North Carolina, and I can’t remember where we went friends in North Carolina who set up a show for us there. And we from there. But that was it. I was hooked. I hate it and I love it. I had some friends set up a show for us in Florida. And we told don’t know why I do it. everyone in Richmond, “We’re going on our first tour.” It was two Sean: Why do you hate it? fucking shows. We were so excited; we said it was a tour. Years Tim: Because it’s lonely as shit. It’ll rip your soul out, sitting on a later, we’re doing tours with a hundred and sixty dates. boxcar by yourself, covered in train soot. You walk off a train and Sean: What was Catheter Assembly Records? you walk down the street and people who would normally be Tim: Catheter was going back to Adam Thompson’s baby. Adam friendly look at you like you’re some transient piece of crap who’s was a buddy of ours. I actually met him fistfighting him at a show just rolling through town. It’s an odd thing. Sometimes, I’m riding in DC. He ended up moving into our house later on. Like most those freights and I feel like a pirate. I’m high on myself and high men, they seem to bond after a fistfight, at some point. Anyway, on life and screaming at the top of my lungs, “This is the best thing Adam was living at the house and we had a whole bunch of songs ever.” Bottle of whiskey in my hand. Other times, I’m sitting there and he was like, “You know what, I’m gonna start a record label on a cold boxcar floor thinking, why do I do this? This is the called Catheter and I’m gonna put out Avail’s first record.” And loneliest and most fucked up thing in the world. we were like, “All right.” I ended up helping him out. It was him Sean: You’ve touched on it a little bit, but why do you love it? and me putting it together. Later on, there was another independent What do you love about it? record label from down the street called Assembly Records. And Tim: I don’t even know if love is the right word to describe it. as I was touring so much and didn’t have the ability to sit at home Riding freights, for me, is nothing more than a way to 59 took out a baseball bat. It was guns against the baseball bat. Four of them got shot. One of the thugs had a tech-9. He started spraying them. The other thug had a twenty-two. My friends beat them with a baseball bat. The guy with the tech-9 ended up getting killed. So the songs are just little shout- outs like that. When I went by their house after this to see how they were doing, there were a bunch of bullet holes in their porch. Sean: How are they doing? Tim: All of them are fine. Every single one of them. The guy who got shot the worst got shot four times. It was because he jumped on the dog, trying to save the dog. It’ll bring a tear to your eye. But they’re all alive and fine. Healing but scarred. Sean: Is it true that you guys have practiced in the same place for ten years? Tim: Nine years. It’s (the guitarist) Joe’s house. We all used to live there. He ended up buying it. He got married. He has an eleven-year-old son. He bought the house and it still has this scummy-ass band room that smells like cigarette smoke and band stink. We still practice there. Sean: Do the neighbors mind? Tim: No. When we moved to that house in ’93, the block was crumbling, urban decay. We had no break out of that routine that you fall into. My life is really struc- neighbors. Well, we had neighbors but they got shot. One after- tured at home. I work on band desk work – we manage ourselves – noon, one girl got shot and killed – young as shit; she was like so life becomes really structured and what I need is to just break twenty years old – and the other girl got shot in the arm and she that, on occasion. It puts everything in perspective. Sometimes, I lived. Their house was abandoned for many years after that. Since sit at home and look at my beautiful twelve-year-old dog. I look at then, the neighborhood has really gentrified. Because we were the my great roommate Gina and my great roommate Al and my awe- first people on the block, everyone met us first. The people who some neighbors and my awesome neighborhood where everyone is own the bars on the corner and the hair shop next door and the so nice and so welcome that we don’t even lock our doors and I go flower shop and all, they know us. We always introduced our- to band practice and my band buddies are the greatest bunch of selves and said, “We’re in a band. We practice here. The room’s guys in the world. Sometimes, I feel like I take everything for sound proofed. If you ever have any problems, talk to us, not the granted. So I step out of that sometimes to gain a perspective, to cops. We’ll reschedule practice.” assure myself that I’m in the right lane in life. I’ll be riding a Sean: Here’s your philosophical question: when you think of the freight, sleeping in twenty-four degree weather, shivering to fuck- South, what do you think of? What does it mean to you? ing death, thinking, you know what I want more than anything in Tim: To me, it’s just a slower pace of life than here in LA. I get the world is to be lying in my own bed with my dog curled up with clusterfucked when I’m here. And this is not dissin’, but I feel so me, two cats sitting on my shoulders. It’s the trains that make sure overwhelmed. There are too many people, too many cars, too I don’t take all of this for granted. It’s voluntary homelessness. much working to live instead of living and then working. For me, I write a lot of lyrics out there, too. Half of the songs on Over when I think of Richmond, Virginia, I think of the beginning of the the James and One Wrench were written just prior to, during, or slower pace of life that is the South. It’s really the industrial north coming home from a train trip. of the South. The cut-off line for the South is Fredricksburg, Sean: That song on the Front Porch Stories, “The Falls,” is that Virginia, which is right up the road from Richmond. After that, it’s about your neighborhood in Richmond? just this mega-city that starts in Northern Virginia and spreads up Tim: That’s about all of Richmond. It’s a line-by-line blast of past Boston. When you think about the entire South, it’s a totally shout-outs to friends. The whole thing about “front porch stories,” different culture than a place like LA or New York or Boston. I that’s what you do in Richmond. A lot of people don’t even go to kinda embrace that “southern” pace of life, but that southern pace bars. They get on their bikes, pick up a forty, and stop by some- of life is not unlike way up north in Maine or New Hampshire, or one’s front porch. And you can break it down line by line. “To like in the Pacific Northwest, like in Bend, Oregon. But the South R.A.G.N., sowing what others may implore”: R.A.G.N. is an has that funny clique to it because we lost. And when you lose, abbreviation for Richmond Anti-Globalization Network. So I’m you can’t seem to forget it. We get pigeon-holed for racism and giving them props for all their hard work. “I’ve been broke and everything else. forlorn and caught out with the best at the ACCA yard.” ACCA Sean: Why do you think the South gets pigeon-holed for racism? yard is the big train yard that runs north and south through Tim: I don’t know. I don’t know why Montana doesn’t get pigeon- Richmond. And “the best” is a reference to my great friend Brent holed or LA or Orange County – the home of white Aryan resis- who’s helped me through so much and he’s my train-riding part- tance and huge white power movements – don’t get pegged for it ner. I’ve been really bummed out and whatnot, and there’s Brent, as much as a place like the South. Pretty much all we have are listening to me, while we’re riding freights. The whole song is like some old, crippled, about-to-die Ku Klux Klan guys who don’t that. I could go through the whole thing. It’s really a song for have any pull at all. And they barely even exist. The problem, I Richmonders, that I hope somehow other people like. “Healing but guess, is that old Virginia mentality that old folks still cling on to. scarred, there’s bullet holes in a porch in Jackson Ward.” That’s Like, we have Monument Avenue with Confederate “heroes.” We about the neighborhood next to mine. One night, six friends of have statues up all over the place. And when Arthur Ashe, the mine were sitting on the porch, drinking with the dogs, and these African American tennis player who died of AIDS, when his mon- two thugs rolled up and robbed them. And the guys were so fuck- ument is proposed to go up on Monument Avenue, it’s only the old ing poor that they had no hot water or heat. Actually, no electricity Virginians who don’t want it, who say, “No. It’s heritage desecra- at all. And you can’t rob poor people. So my friends tion.” And everyone else is like, these old folks’ll die soon enough 60 anyway; put the goddamn monument up. So those elements still the most intense thunderstorms you’ve ever seen. And, basically, exist. But they exist throughout the entire United States. I’d say the the road got muddied and the slaves couldn’t go on any longer. panhandle through Texas and into Southern California is probably Eventually, Gabriel Prosser ended up hiding in the swamps of the more racist than the South, with respect to the way people in the James River for a while. He was hanged with six other people. Southwest deal with Mexicans and people from Latin America in Pretty much everyone else got away. I don’t remember if they had general. I mean, I’ve never heard of such crap in my life as what I murdered any whites. Nat Turner, before that, had. In fact, I have a read in the papers out here. I think the biggest racist thing that’s buddy who I work with, Earl Mason, who’s a direct descendent of happened in Richmond in the last ten years is the Church of the Nat Turner, so when I get home, he’s taking me to his land and Creator – those white power freaks of nature who came out to our he’s gonna show me all the hideouts that his very historic family library to hold a meeting. Five hundred people showed up to had. It’s all on this farmland down in Suffolk County. protest, and the meeting hall held sixty people. Thirty-nine of them Anyway, Elizabeth Van Lew, as far as Richmond folklore were black Baptists who got there first and took up all the seats. goes, is considered a raging fucking lunatic. She came from a real- It’s weird. The South gets pigeon-holed, but it’s a national prob- ly wealthy family in Church Hill. Extremely, extremely wealthy. lem. It needs to be addressed as a national problem. And she stayed loyal to the Union throughout the Civil War. She Sean: What’s your involvement of AK Press? Tim: I don’t have an involvement, except that I’m a fan. I’D WALK IN THE ROOM AND HE’D Sean: Don’t you bring along their “bookmobile” on tour? HAVE A PENCIL HALFWAY DOWN Tim: We haven’t for a little while. The way that used to work is that some of our roadies in the past did distribution with AK Press. HIS DICKHOLE. We’ve always welcomed anything norm-challenging along on was a spy for the Union. She spent her time in the streets, pretend- tour. AK Press is obviously norm-challenging. The books are rele- ing she was insane, but she was really collecting information and vant and classic and fun to read. It’s great. It adds a whole new ele- hanging out with all the high-up Confederates – which she could ment to the usual mundane and boring rock culture that we’re all do because of her wealth – and dropping notes off to the Union exposed to consistently. So, in that case, we support them. And I commanders during the peninsula campaign. Later on, when the guess I’ve been wearing this AK Press sweatshirt for about two Union was coming into Richmond from every direction, she had a years now. I’m sure it’s in plenty of photos. really prominent role in the movements of Union troops. I don’t Sean: I read an interview that you did with a Richmond zine, and know if she’s an unsung hero or a traitor. It depends on your per- you talked about two unsung heroes from Richmond: Gabriel spective. I’d just like to see more of that history in our city because Prosser and Elizabeth Van Lew. Who were they? that’s fairly unknown. We know about Robert E. Lee. We know Tim: Gabriel Prosser was a slave. In 1800 or 1811 – it was after about Stonewall Jackson. We know about Jeb Stuart. We know Nat Turner’s rebellion – Gabriel Prosser tried to start one of the about Jefferson Davis. We know about the Union cause and the first slave insurrections. He and a group of other slaves rebelled. Confederate cause, but we don’t know the true stories about the They grabbed hoes and pitchforks and anything they could get everyday people involved in the war. I’d rather see a monument to their hands on, and their idea was to walk through the county in the a random Richmond private who fought in the Civil War and died evening, grab more slaves, and make their way to the capital and and some random Union private, and hear their stories, than hear take it over and start a slave revolt. I believe it was late summer, in the same old rhetoric that comes out with all this neo- August. If you’ve ever been to Virginia, late August has some of Confederatism. Elizabeth Van Lew is relevant. It would be neat for people to learn more about her. And about Gabriel Prosser, obviously. The city finally did put up something on Gabriel Prosser very recently. At the same time, somebody fire- bombed a mural of Robert E. Lee. I got blamed for it. Sean: Who blamed you for it? Tim: Within two hours of it happening, the Richmond Times dispatch called me up, not accusing me, but doing that old, “What’s the buzz? You know what happened, right?” They totally thought I did it. I’m just gonna leave it at that. It was a bad situation. Sean: Did you do it? Tim: No, I didn’t fucking do it. Sean: I had to ask. Tim: Yeah. I should’ve done it. I endorse it. But I didn’t do it. There’s a twelve thousand dollar award for the capture of whoever did it. They take that shit seriously down there. Sean: I’ll ask you less academic questions, now. You guys all went to the same high school together, right? Tim: Yeah. I graduated from South Lakes. Joe graduated from South Lakes. Beau went to South Lakes for four years – ninth grade twice and tenth grade twice, then he joined the Navy when he was seventeen. Gwomper dropped out after his second or third time in ninth or tenth grade, what- ever it was. And Ed did not go to South Lakes. Ed went to some other school in Reston. Sean: Did you all go back to your ten year reunion? Tim: I did not go. You know why? Because up there, it’s suburbia. It’s the beginning of a “planned” community that turned into just an expansion of Washington DC. The peo- ple I went to high school with all went to points north. When they got the ten year reunion together and they con- tacted me, I asked for specifics. The specifics were a good sum of money, which I don’t have. My money 61 goes to rent and Mumia? dog food and bills Tim: With a retrial, I believe he would be freed. I don’t want to and not a hundred see anybody who’s been convicted of something to just be let out. bucks to some I’m saying retrial first, because the logical next step is to free him. fucking reunion, Once they go through the real process of examining the case. But just so I could look it’s a really catchy slogan. at people and laugh Sean: What’s your involvement with Food Not Bombs? that they have bor- Tim: We donate all of the money we make from Richmond shows ing jobs and I have to Food Not Bombs. It’s a substantial amount of money every fun in life. I didn’t year. I was around when it started in Richmond ten years ago, and go because the I took a proactive role then. My responsibilities on the road are too invitation was like, demanding now. So now we donate our money. They have a van. “Meet at Clyde’s,” If anyone’s arrested, they can fund lawyer fees. And right on down which is this yup- pie bar, “for cock- THE GUY WHO GOT SHOT THE WORST GOT tails.” I didn’t even SHOT FOUR TIMES. IT WAS BECAUSE HE know what a JUMPED ON THE DOG, TRYING TO SAVE “cocktail” was THE DOG. until somebody told me. I found the line, everything from salt and pepper to trash cans to... shit, out that a cocktail man, if you want to cook a real meal for two hundred people, think is when I drink of how much those fucking soup bowls cost and all the skillets and beer early in the everything. You’ve got to have real shit and it has to be up to code. day. Then, the next So everything’s really clean, and we fund them all the cleaning day, there was products to have a real, functioning kitchen. And I’m proud of that. golfing and a for- What Food Not Bombs does is build community, and that’s impor- mal party. And tant to us. you’re talking to a Sean: You have that song “Lombardy Street” on Over the James. I man who’s never don’t want to know what the song means, but what does Lombardy worn a suit in his Street itself mean to you? entire life. So I Tim: That’s where I met the person who the song is about. She bailed on it. And lives in San Diego now. I’ll see her tomorrow. She’s a great, great the only time I find friend of mine. I don’t even know if she really knows who the song it justifiable to shit on people because I’m in a band that’s semi- is about. It’s more me questioning myself than dogging successful is when those people are high school friends. Other than somebody. I’m really good at critiquing myself. It’s better that, I never talk about it. But there was something in me that for me to do it with words on records than to do it with a wanted to go there and say things like, “Oh, really, you work in gun in my mouth. front of a computer with a fluorescent light glowing over you? That’s boring. I just got back from touring Japan.” So it’s better that I didn’t go. Beau did not go either. He would’ve had to go as my date, because he didn’t gradu- ate. Sean: On the back, inside cover of One Wrench, you have a picture of guys lined up with shovels... Tim: I don’t know who they are. We threw that record together right quick and that was something that Ed had found. He’d be better suited to answer that question. What I think it is is an old picture of the western expan- sion of the railroads. Unfortunately, there wasn’t much of a story behind it. I wish we would’ve taken more time choosing things closer to our lives. Sean: You’re wearing a “Free Mumia” shirt in that album insert. Why should Mumia be freed? Tim: I wear that shirt intentionally to spark dialogue regarding Mumia Abu Jamal’s case. He’s on death row for the murder of a police officer. I do not stand behind the slogan “Free Mumia.” I just wear the shirt to spark conversation. I would like to see Mumia have a new trial because, through all of the research I’ve done, I truly believe that he was not treated fairly by the judicial sys- tem. I wasn’t there. I don’t know exactly what happened, but there are so many flaws in his case. Obviously, through the many moratoriums that have happened throughout the country, people up high have realized the discrimination against the blacks and any non-whites or poor people. Particularly with sentencing and with death penalty cases. And I will say, for the record, that I’m adamantly opposed to the death penalty. That stems from the inequality for poor people in the judicial system. Sean: So why don’t you stand behind the idea of freeing Punk rock cuts into defining moments. It has to; otherwise it’d be a blur. A friend of mine had just soccer’d a beer bottle into my kneecap from across the nearly empty hardwood floor. I was in Vegas, standing in one of the few places, besides the restroom, that wasn’t carpeted and soaking up some sort of alcohol or puke. Punks of all stripes and polka dots milled around. Smoke, cheap perfume, and cheaper promises filled the air between calls for bingo. A little egg of a bruise rose up from my knee. I was as torn up as the ripped fishnet stockings on the ladies who walked by. I was drunk enough to start carrying my camera like it was a rac- coon about to attack me. I got another drink and my legs seemed to matter less. The Stitches, whom I’ve seen numerous times, almost too many to count, took the stage. ‘Til that point, I liked ‘em pretty well but I was never awwoogah! about them. They’ve got a simple beauty about to ‘em. Like knives. Like blowjobs. Sure, it looks simple enough, but you know instantly when someone’s doing it close to perfect. Slice out large chunks of songs, circa ’77-’82 (complete riffs from the Clash, The GoGo’s, and the Sex Pistols) and massage them in particularly fascinating way that’ll make you say, “That feels downright good,” with a lit- tle, pleasant eye roll. And with The Stitches, you can bet there’ll be a lot of fluids flying around. Anyway, after The Stitches plowed into their set at this three-day marathon, the crowd went nutty bonkers. Creeps and cretins, retards and pirate glue sniffers alike jumped around like they were semi- superheroes. It was an absurdly good set. Then, Mike’s nasally vocals were cut. As is the protocol with these all-day, run-of-the-mill deals, time slots were tight. The band played on, instrumental-like. Mike, one to usually take adversity by attacking someone nearby, jumped headfirst into the crowd and quickly emerged back on stage with a little plastic cup. He poked out the bottom and employed it as an itty bitty megaphone. The crowd, roaring, filled in the vocals. As the song was rounding its way into the final choruses, the mic juice was switched back on, and the place went apoplectic koo-koo, with Mike leading the charge. This feel-good moment has stayed with me ever since. It was one of the best shows I’ve seen, ever. Say hey to one of the most mytholo- gized, punk with a big p, drug-addled Orange County bands to grace our pages.
Special thanks to Mundo, Mike Dunn, Julia Smut, and Dale for “research” help. miKe :: vocals johNny :: guitar peTe :: bass SkibS :: drums
Todd: A theoretical question. Why aren’t you guys a huge band? It’s all there. You’ve been around for a long time, have a loyal fan base, and you play out regularly Mike: I guess we accomplished a lot more Mike: What do you mean? It closed at eight Mike: We were huge, but Pete got off his than we set out to do. o’clock tonight. I fucking got here late. medication. He’s lost a bunch of weight. Todd: Are you happy about that? Todd: I mean, the store, Vinyl Dog. Now, we’re down to – on an average – I’d [Long pause. No answer. Lots of laughter.] Mike: Oh, Vinyl Dog was never a store. It say we’re a buck sixty. Mike: Jeez. Sometimes. was just a label that I ran out of the middle Todd: Do you guys shoot yourselves in the Todd: Everyone has to answer this ques- room of my shooting gallery house on 20th foot, as a band? tion. What’s your day job? and Orange. Johnny: Constantly. Pete: I do masonry. Todd: A lot of different people hung out Mike: In the arm a couple times. Johnny: Unemployment. there though. Todd: Why do you say “constantly”? Mike: I work at a record store and skin care Mike: Yeah, but nobody had anything to do Johnny: We just pretty much do what we products. What else do I do? with records. want to do. We never really listened to what Johnny: We have a record label. Todd: Mike, do you fit people for pants, on everyone told us to do. Mike: We have a record label, but we don’t occasion? Todd: Any regrets? really put any work into it. Wait, jobs? Mike: I feel their nuts from time to time, Mike: Say yes. Income? That was proper, I think. sure. I just put a closet in there. I sell pants Skibs: If you’re thinking that long. Skibs: I work at a record store as well. Not and shirts and shoes and just crap. Mike: It’s just like all the other question- the same one that Mike works at. Todd: Mike, this is something I’ve been naires. It says, “Yes? Explain.” Todd: What record store do you work at? wanting to ask you for a long time. Johnny: Actually, we’re pretty well known Mike: Say it! Mike: Okay. all over. We do better in other cities than Skibs: Okay, I work for Tower Records. Todd: Does your mom own a large cosmet-
LA. Go figure. Okay. ics company? Todd: Can you attribute it to anything? Todd: Are you a stocker? Mike: No, it’s skin care products. Johnny: Yeah, because we don’t play there Mike: No, he’s a sensitive artist. Todd: Is that who you work for? that much. We play here every fuckin’ Skibs: I’m a display artist. Mike: Uh huh. It’s called Epicurean. weekend. Todd: Do you do the airbrushing? Todd: Does she make a lot of money? Todd: I usually don’t ask this question, but Skibs: Yeah, I do all the airbrushing and all Mike: It does pretty good. It’s getting really I don’t know the answer to it. How and the painting. big now. when did you guys start the band? I know Johnny: He’s known for The Wall. Todd: What’s so special about it? there were some line-up changes early on. Skibs: Yeah, I can paint Pink Floyd’s The Mike: I don’t know. You’d probably have Johnny: You can field that question, Mike. Wall like there’s no tomorrow. to ask somebody who knows what it is. Mike: What do I need to do to it? Todd: What was the last thing you had to Todd: Have you ever used the products? Johnny: Field it. paint? Mike: If you want to go into it – I guess it Mike: Field. We started out of boredom. Mike: Moby? really doesn’t have anything to do with the There was absolutely nothing to do. I fig- Skibs: Ooh, you were close. The last thing I band – but it’s all enzyme-activated stuff. ured if we were going to be going into the had to paint was Jennifer Love Hewitt. Real high goodies. We just set Kyle Kapow clubs and watching really shitty bands, we She’s good looking, too, man. up with a box of lotion so he could take care might as well be getting in free and be the Johnny: Did you give her bigger boobs of his personal deals. shitty band. The original members is the than she normally has? Todd: Pete, this is a two-parter. Is it true same line-up we have now, minus Ted Skibs: Of course. that you once had a refrigerator that broke Turnbull – he was the rhythm guitar player Johnny: Good man. down? guy – and Sleeper was the drummer. Todd: Mike, explain Blow Your Brains Out Pete: Yes. Todd: Did you accomplish what you set out Day. Todd: Is it true that instead of taking all the to do with the band? Mike: Ooh, you mean the Kurt Cobain, stuff out of the fridge, that you bought Johnny: We put out a record. Blow Your Brains Out Sale? another? Mike: Actually, when we first put out that Todd: Yeah. Mike: No, no, that’s not true. Sixteen seven inch, I was pretty much plan- Mike: That was awesome. The hippie gone Pete: It broke down but it stunk so bad and ning on putting out the record and having done shot himself in the face so I figured I’d people would open it and it would smell something to remember the band by. capitalize on it and I took all the Nirvana like shit. The cockroaches would run out. Todd: Like a memento. records and I signed them with three differ- So, my friends got some bolts and shit and Mike: Right. I had no idea it was ever ent pens and three different signatures and I bolted it together. going to go this far. I couldn’t even imag- put them in a cardboard box up on the front, Todd: What? ine. I didn’t even think about putting out a marked them all at a hundred bucks, and Mike: Wait, the deal was like this. The single number two, let alone three, four, sold ‘em. power went out in the house and so every- five, or six and twelve inches and all that Todd: Every one of them? thing in the fucking refrigerator – ‘cause it kind of shit. That first seven inch was freak- Mike: Yes. And when they’d come up and was still plugged in and it shut off – went o De De’s idea because she wanted to have ask, “Are these signatures real?” I’d say, bad, the power went back on, and people something to sell on tour. (De De’s the lead “Yes, they are real signatures.” would come into the house to put their beer singer of the long-running band, UXA.) Skibs: “Real signatures.” They’re not their in the fridge. They’d open it up, and it’d Johnny: That’s the compilation. (You Know signatures, but they’re real. stink out house. So, they got a big, giant It’s a Product and Products are to Be Todd: How long has Vinyl Dog, your chunk of steel and some bolts, drilled holes, Consumed.) record company, record been in operation? and bolted the thing shut, but it was still Pete: I had my 798th drink ticket tonight, so Mike: Ten years. plugged into the wall. They 2,500 more, and I’m good. Todd: When did it close? just left everything in it. 63 Todd: Did you ever think of taking it out of the house? Pete: Yes. When I got in a fight with my ex-wife, I grabbed it and threw it down the stairs. Todd: How long was the refrigerator in your house like that? Pete: As long as I was on speed for. I’m not sure. [laughs] Todd: Mike, do you have a big half pipe in your back yard? Mike: That’s over at my mom’s house. It’s awesome. Todd: Did a skate company ever spon- sor you? Mike: Yeah. All sorts of stuff. Alva, Black Label, Independent, and stuff. Todd: Johnny, you skate a lot, too. Were you ever sponsored? Johnny: No. I just get free shit from friends and shit. Mike: Isn’t that sponsorship? Johnny: I’m sponsored by friends that think I’m all right.
of the cop? Mike: Yeah. It was really fuckin’ funny. Mike: I dunno. I have no idea. Fuck. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the Todd: Mike, have you ever unintentionally Pete: About that last question. I know what other cop was super, super pissed off broken someone’s nose with a mic stand? you’re talking about. It was a male hooker because I was lying on top of him, naked. Johnny: It was a skull. It wasn’t a nose. in ‘Frisco. He ripped me off on crack and I The fuckin’ other cops are standing at the Mike: I don’t know about noses. I split did take a swing. I missed, but he punched bottom of the stairs, just pointing and laugh- some girl’s head open at the Purple Onion me out pretty good. ing. Me, lying on top of a cop, naked, bust- up in San Francisco. Todd: Who owns GG Allin’s lab coat with ing up with all these other cops busting up. Todd: Do you remember her at all? blood, shit, and piss all over it? One guy got super mad and insisted on tak- Johnny: I do. She worked at the Lusty Pete: I do. ing me to jail. All the other cops were, “Just Lady. She kicked me out, or, the security Todd: How’d you get it? kick him out.” He wasn’t having any part of kicked me out for yelling at her huge bush. Pete: From GG Allin. it. [laughter] Todd: He just handed it to you? Todd: Pete, why are you called The Action Mike: She had German black bush? Pete: I traded him a little leather jacket. Man? Johnny: It was cave woman bush. Todd: How many times did you see GG Pete: I don’t know. Ask Mike. Me made Todd: Pete, true or false: You’re trying to Allin? that shit up. buy crack off of a hooker, but she wouldn’t Pete: One time at Raji’s, using some glam Mike: ‘Cause he never moves. He has no give it to you, so you hit her, stole it, and band’s equipment. action, so it’s kind of a contradiction in ran away. Todd: Mike, during a GG Allin show, was terms. Have you ever watched Wild Planet, Pete: That’s absolutely false. it true that you were outside with your pants Discover Channel, anything like that? Johnny: You smoked it with her, didn’t around your ankles? Todd: On occasion. you? Mike: Well, I ended up outside, too. We Mike: Have you seen any documentaries on Pete: I never bought fuckin’ crack from a were inside and the band hadn’t started the sloth? black hooker lady. playing yet and we were drinking all day. It Todd: The three-toed sloth? Todd: I didn’t say black. was up in Santa Barbara and they had those Mike: Yeah. [laughter] fancy twenty-five cents for a cocktail deals Todd: Did you know that after a sloth dies, Johnny: Now the truth’s coming out. for an hour. We took full advantage of that it can still hang from the tree for two weeks Pete: No, that’s not true. and got pretty fucked up. We ended up before it falls off. Todd: Mike, you’re sober now? going to over to the show. It seemed like a Mike: We thought he was dead for years, Mike: Yeah. good idea to take my pants off, so I was but he can still hang out in the back of the Todd: Why’d you decide that? running around with my pants off and one van and cuddle. Mike: I dunno. of the cops tried to tell me to split. I wanted Todd: Who has lost teeth, here? Todd: There was no catalyst for it? his nightstick, so I grabbed his nightstick Mike: I lost the first half in Skateboard Mike: No, actually. I had a great time and we started wrestling around. And me Odyssey (a skate park) and I lost the rest of drinking. I had a great time doing drugs, and the cop fell down the stairs and they ‘em in Reno, Nevada. too. I dunno. How would I put it? I got sick kicked me out and arrested me and took me Todd: How? and tired of trying to put everything back to the can. Mike: Got ‘em punched out. together all the time. It took too much ener- Todd: But, when you ended up at the bot- Todd: By who? gy. I didn’t feel like it, I guess. tom of the stairs, weren’t you sitting on top Mike: Mark Gonzales. (A pro skater.) Todd: Is the sobriety permanent? Todd: Why? like, “What’s up, holmes? Just got out of on the plane unless she brought me another Mike: I don’t know. I was really drunk and five years in Chino.” I was, “Man, I’m sorry vodka. It doesn’t go over so well. I’m not really sure how everything ended to break the news to you, but there’s girls Todd: Didn’t they divert they flight so they up. I don’t know how it happened. out here. You don’t got to fuck with guys could drop you off? Todd: Did he soundly whoop you? Did he anymore, dude.” He got all upset and went Mike: No, it was Chicago to LA, originally. lose anything? inside and started storming around. And me I had to catch another one, Chicago to Johnny: His temper. [laughter] and Todd and Shitty Sean and a couple Orange County. They wouldn’t serve me at Mike: I’ve heard so many different stories. other people ended up bailing out, going, the airport because I didn’t have any ID. I’d I heard it was his brother. I heard it was “We’re out of here.” And every time Pete lost my ID and my passport, everything I him. I heard it was a rock. I’ve heard all freaks out and does cool shit, I always miss had, in Chicago. When I got on the airplane, sorts of shit. I’m pretty sure it was him. I it by five minutes. He does this once every they didn’t ask for anything and I started was pretty sure it was the bouncer guys seven years. It doesn’t happen very often, getting all the free drinks because I’d gave because they were pulling me out of the but every time he does it, I get smoked on up my ticket for the LA flight. There skate contest thing and I thought it was the it. I never get to see The Action Man in weren’t enough seats to get my buddy on, bouncers who did it, so I started trying to action. so because I forfeited my ticket, they gave scrap with the bouncers and they hauled me us first class to Orange County. It’s sup- off to the little holding station. I ended up posed to be all you can drink for free. going to jail and sitting there for a couple days until Monday rolled around. So funny. I woke up in jail the next morning. I looked over. I tried to talk to my cellie guy and I couldn’t talk. My lip was flappin’ like a microwaveable hot dog. It was so fucked. Todd: Mike, is it true that you almost lost your arm dancing to James Brown on top of a glass table? Didn’t it nearly need to be amputated? Mike: Yeah, yeah. It was Elvis’s birthday and I was dancing with some young lass and I tripped over the car- pet and ended up falling through this glass table. It cut the thing off, pretty much. Todd: How many stitches? Mike: A whole bunch. Todd: Johnny, one of my first remem- brances of seeing you was when you were in a choke hold at the Troubadour. I think it was a Humpers show. Johnny: Yeah, they got pissed that I was stealing their beer, I think and they called security. Todd: Do you get choke holded a lot? Johnny: Not usually. They’ve got to be pretty damn big because I can fuck ‘em up. Todd: Pete, explain the last time you were in a naked knife fight. Pete: Naked knife fight? That was with my own dick. [laughter] When I lived in Anaheim, some new neighbor living next door to me was pissing me off and I went over there naked, holding a knife to my dick, for some reason. I’m not sure. Todd: Mike, can you lead us up to the point Todd: So you took advantage of that. Mike: What about the nazi guy at the birth- where you were restrained and kicked off of Mike: Yeah. day party at Mark’s house? a flight. Todd: Johnny, there was a time where you Pete: Oh, fuck. I forgot about that one. Mike: Lead you up to the point? I have no were hitting people with your guitar on a Johnny: Were you naked? [laughter] idea what happened up until that point other regular basis. What will provoke you? Pete: Yeah. I forgot. Some nazis were fuck- than the fact that I guess I told the stew- Johnny: It’s because a lot of people like to ing with my friends or something and they ardess – she cut me off on drinks – I fin- come up and fuck with me while I’m play- got in a fight and I thought the best way to ished off the handful of valiums and passed ing. They’ll grab my guitar or my strings. settle it was to go in my room, get com- out and got arrested. I woke up and there Mike: They’ll mess up his hair. pletely naked, run out, and punch the guy in were the guys in green, standing above me, Johnny: Yeah. Throw beer. the face. saying, “Hey kid, get up.” And I figured Todd: Throw burritos at you. Mike: He was hanging out, harassing they were there for me. So, I just went along Johnny: Yeah, yeah. Or even tapping the everybody. He was standing by the door quietly. They called in the feds and asked microphone and hitting me in the teeth. If and I walked by. The guy blows in my ear, me a bunch of questions. Shit, I guess I told they can hit me in the teeth with the micro- you know what I mean? I turn around. He’s the stewardess I was going to kill everybody phone, I can hit them in the 65 teeth with my guitar, no prob- Todd: Why was there such a huge gap in Drunk Guy: Fuck off. [laughter] lem. time between your two LPs? Pete: I’ve never been in any trouble. I was Todd: Pete, have you ever thought of going Mike: There’s only two inches. (8” X 12” is once in a holding cell, back in ’85. cordless? a 10” record.) Todd: What’s the largest transformation Pete: What’s the point? I stand in the same Johnny: There’s a lot of shit in between. you’ve ever gone through? place the whole time, anyways. There’s a lot of seven inches and some EPs in Mike: I went from skinny to fat, back to Todd: I’ve seen you so many times walking between. skinny again. around in little circles. The cord gets Todd: How many years has it been between Skibs: This sunburn I just got today. wrapped around your legs and you unplug the albums, though? Mike: From pink to extra pink. Try for extra yourself. Mike: Eight years? crispy. Mike: [laughter and clapping] Johnny: It was only actually six years. Johnny: [to drunk guy] I’m going to smash Pete: It’d make it easier to go to the car and Todd: And a lot of your singles are out of you in a second, dude… I moved out from get a sniffer and go to the bar to get a Ohio to Los Angeles. drink. Pete: What transformation have I Mike: If he didn’t have a cord, he gone through? wouldn’t know where to plug his Johnny: You’re going through a tuner into, which you can’t use any- divorce. way. Pete: Going through a divorce. I [In enters extremely drunk guy. He’s did a backup vocal about two so bad off, he’s resorted to hugging years ago. That was pretty cool. people and making loud baby Todd: You have to look to the sounds. No one knows him, but he’s band member to your right and friendly. He’s bleeding from the ask them a question you’ve chin.] always wanted to ask them. Mike: [to drunk guy] What’s up, lit- Mike: [to Skibs] Are you gay? tle buddy? Drunk Guy: Yeah! Drunk Guy: Yeee…. unnhhhh. Johnny: [to Pete] You never gave Muuulllleeee. More questions. me that hand job two weeks ago. Yeunngghhh. Why not? Todd: Everybody has to answer this Mike: That was just a simple question. Name one body part that statement. You need a question. you’re self-conscious about. Johnny: I asked, “Why not?” Drunk Guy: Yeaaah. Mule. Pete: Go back to that last ques- Johnny: My beer gut. tion, about gaining that thirty Pete: My huge penis. This photo by Todd pounds. [laughter] [to Mike] Why Mike: My mule. did you say you wouldn’t drink at Drunk Guy: Mule! my funeral? Skibs: My foot. [no response] Drunk Guy: Mule! Skibs: You stumped him, Pete. Todd: So, what happened to your Mike: I have no idea. I don’t even last drummer. recall discussing your funeral. Pete, Johnny, and Mike: Which Johnny: You’re supposed to say, one? “I don’t like Natural Light.” Todd: The last one, Eddie. He was with Mike: I’m sorry. I’m still not going to you for a while. print. drink at your funeral. [to Skibs] What time Johnny: Once the war started breaking out, Johnny: Yeah, the singles are out of print. are we surfing tomorrow? they shipped him back to Mexico. [laughter] Singles collection coming up soon. Skibs: [to Johnny] Is it true? Are you a real- Todd: Why are there so many versions of Todd: Is there anything you’ve done but life ice ape? [laughter] your first LP, 8” X 12”? haven’t been convicted of that would prohibit Johnny: Yes. Mike: They just keep going out of press, so you from traveling to a foreign land? Todd: For people who have never heard the we make more. Mike: As a matter of fact, my joint suspen- Stitches, can you help them out? What’s your Drunk Guy: Yeah. Mule! sion was lifted on March 10th, so I’m a free intention for the band? Why do you do what Todd: Haven’t there been eight presses? man. I can do whatever I want to do. you do? Mike: No. Five. Todd: What for? Johnny: To piss everyone else off. Johnny: No one wants to buy the same color Drunk Guy: Yeah, you did. Todd: Is that really it? Then no one would record. Everyone likes to buy a new color. Mike: Drug charges. come to your shows. Todd: Do you think you’re selling it to, Skibs: I have been convicted of many Johnny: We’re working on that right now. essentially, the same five hundred people? felonies. Mike: Free drinks, and, no, I don’t have any- Johnny: We press a thousand, so I’m sure at Mike: And you’re off. thing to do it for. I’m continually stumped by least a thousand people buy it. Skibs: Well, probation’s over, but when why I do this. Todd: So, who’s idea was it to have a purely you’re a convicted felon, you can’t get into Johnny: I’m stoked that there’s two sober white, lacquered cover with clear vinyl of the Canada. You can get into most European guys in the band ‘cause I get more drink tick- new one, Twelve Imaginary Inches? countries, though. ets. Johnny: That was our old drummer. That Todd: Do you mind telling me what for? Skibs: Not tonight. They’ve got Red Bull on was the best idea he ever came up with. Skibs: Drugs, weapons, paraphernalia. A tap. Mike: Didn’t we come up with that idea just Subaru with three tires. Drunk Guy: Yeeaaahh! Neeaahh! so we wouldn’t have to look at his picture on Mike: Burglary. Skibs: That’s my only question. Is there? [laughter] Skibs: No, I wasn’t convicted of the burglary the drunk guy going to be in the Drunk Guy: Gooahh! charge. interview, too? Mike: I get questions all the time: “Who’s Johnny: Hanging out with these idiots for Todd: You bet. the banker on the right?” over twelve years. 67 The Assasination of Martin Luther King Jr.
Article by Joe Beil Artwork by Sarah Oleksyk and Keith Rosson
Martin Luther King, Jr.: inside his organization to gather information. not even a very successful thief. It is not even Civil Rights Leader They referred to him as “Zorro,” the Spanish known that he ever killed anyone or even fired a I’d say that everyone is familiar with Martin word for fox, or “The Fake Messiah.” In 1968, gun. It seemed that by 1968, he was attempting Luther King to some degree, but there are some the FBI increased the surveillance even further. to get away from crime after his 1967 prison important details to understand in order to dis- President Johnson feared that King would drive break and to eventually leave the United States cern why the FBI and CIA would be so interest- him out of the White House. Bugs were planted for good. Ray was allegedly performing gun ed in undermining and discrediting his every at “all present and future addresses” of King running operations for “Raoul,” a man he met move (and then later offering substantial assis- under approval from Robert Kennedy. The justi- hanging out in sailor bars at this time. Ray made tance in at least covering up his murder). fication was that he was perceived to be a com- it very clear that he was in some sort of legal King was a powerful leader and speaker for munist or acting under communist influence. trouble and seeking money and some new iden- a formerly unfocused, yet large group of These allegations have never had any support- tification. Raoul had promised to fulfill those Americans. He spoke charismatically and artic- ing evidence. Hoover interpreted the permission needs. Ray claims that it was Raoul who caused ulated things that his followers had only previ- for increased surveillance to include anywhere him to purchase the rifle (claimed to be the mur- ously understood without words. He organized King stayed or spent extensive amounts of time, der weapon) and to be in Memphis on April 4, peaceful marches to gain labor recognition for such as hotel rooms, friends’ houses, families’ 1968. He was eventually convicted of killing underprivileged workers. His nonviolent stance houses, and more. No substantial evidence was Martin Luther King, Jr. without a trial. He later was effective in helping the image and inten- ever produced as a result of this. King spoke out wrote an autobiography entitled Who Killed tions of his movement. As he saw it, his strug- about how the FBI wasn’t doing its job to pro- Martin Luther King, Jr.? while in prison. gles to unite and gain equality for the repressed tect him and other blacks in the south. The FBI One of the more entertaining facts about African American population was intrinsically took that comment personally, and a full scale Ray is that, after he escaped from prison, he linked to opposing the Vietnam War and the espionage war was on. In the end, the wiretaps went to LA and took dance lessons from class struggles of all Americans. broke the privacy rights of 5,000-6,000 people. December 5 until February 12. He also attended In the end, one of the great mistakes that Cartha DeLoach was the head of COIN- bartending school from January 19 until he cost him his life was opposing the war in TELPRO in 1968. At one point, DeLoach and graduated on March 2. This demonstrates the Vietnam. He referred to America as “the great- other FBI agents tried to get in touch with King fact that he was not a career criminal and was est purveyor of violence in the world today,” to meet with him. King’s office was particularly trying to break these habits. He was also not the comparing American practices in Vietnam to busy at this time, and the FBI’s calls were not “lone nut” that the media portrayed him as. practices of Nazi Germans in World War II. His returned. To the FBI, being ignored was even critics said that he should focus on one issue worse than being berated and criticized. The Assassination (organizing the sanitation workers of Memphis), DeLoach talked about “removing” King and On April 4, 1968, Martin Luther King, Jr. but, in his mind, it was the same issue. He saw called him “the fake messiah.” was planning to lead a demonstration for strik- the relationship among “the giant triplets of One of Hoover’s favorite methods was ing African American sanitation workers in racism, materialism, and militarism.” It is theo- blackmail, and the best way for a group of con- Memphis, TN. He was staying in the Lorraine rized that King’s stance on the war might also servative, old, white, religious men to embarrass Motel on Mulberry Street in one of the city’s have been a result of him losing power with the or discredit someone was with charges of sexu- seedier neighborhoods. His previous visit on more radical factions of the black power move- al promiscuity or adultery. Often, bugged tapes March 28 had erupted in violence and looting, ment. King was also rumored to be running in were doctored or improved to make a stronger an image that he was not proud of and which the 1968 presidential election, but he denied it. blackmail case. It got to the point where they served to tarnish his image of nonviolent revo- The FBI, J. Edgar Hoover in particular, had would blackmail King and then send him lution. He had hoped to show Memphis the a malicious hatred for King. King had demon- anonymous letters trying to persuade him to effectiveness of nonviolence. In the end, a child strated his ability to instigate massive direct commit suicide. Other letters to his wife was killed by the police; sixty more people were action campaigns, and his supposed presidential attempted to persuade her to leave him and injured. candidacy would appeal to people who were included “improved” tapes of King in supposed At the moment in question, on April 4, opposed to the war. To Hoover, opposing the sexual situations with other women. 1968, he was about to enjoy a prime rib and soul war was evidence that King was a communist. COINTELPRO operatives discredited King food dinner with Samuel B. Kyles. Why else would he oppose the war? by infiltrating black movements and turning Slightly before 6 P.M., King walked out onto marches and protests violent. During King’s the balcony of his hotel room to greet several visit to Memphis on March 28, on a march in COINTELPRO people who stood below. He was on the second COINTELPRO is an acronym for the FBI’s support of the sanitation strike, the march was floor overlooking the motel’s courtyard. At 6:01 domestic “counterintelligence programs” to turned violent by undercover police and FBI as King stood alone on the balcony, a single shot neutralize political dissidents. Although the FBI agents posing as members of a militant group from a high powered rifle tore into the right side has always used covert operations, the formal called “The Invaders.” The police did nothing to of King’s face, forcing him backward. activities of 1956-1971 were broadly targeted stop the violence and property destruction until An aide came forward and pointed at where against radical political figures like Martin the march came through, at which point they he had thought the shot came from, Brewer’s Luther King, Jr. and his followers. Its goals are violently attacked the protestors. Boarding House across the courtyard. It was to discredit and undermine activist groups later suspected, for unrelated reasons, that this working domestically in the US. Since they James Earl Ray aide was an FBI infiltrator. This moment yields believed their aims to be righteous, they would Ray was a small time criminal who escaped us the popular picture of everyone pointing out stop at nothing to accomplish their goals, from prison in 1967. Most of his career was the window. including blackmail, threatening families, and spent committing petty crimes like robbing ille- Rev. Ralph Abernathy rushed out from the politically lynching people with the media. gal gambling rings and prostitution circles. Each hotel room to King’s side. He attempted to The FBI had been wiretapping King for time that he attacked a legitimate establishment, speak with King calmly, saying, “This is Ralph. he was caught. He was not a murderer. He was This is Ralph. Don’t be afraid.” 70 years and planting paid informants But King was already unconscious, splayed 6, Ray flew to London. He attempted to join a guns and carried a police band radio. She was across an ever-widening pool of his own blood. renegade army unit that would send him to frequently asked to translate police broadcasts. Andrew Young rushed up from the parking lot Nigeria. As he boarded a plane to Brussells, he He often called the US from her apartment and next to check King’s pulse but really knew it was arrested as an international suspect in the she had kept the phone bills, hoping to collect was already over. Five minutes later, King was murder of Martin Luther King, Jr. and was from him someday. transported in a speeding ambulance to St. extradited to the US for conspiracy charges. To add more interest to this person, police Joseph’s hospital. He was pronounced dead at investigators following Kimble lost track of him 7:05. Raoul on July 18, the same day that Ray claims to have Raoul was a person who Ray referred to met up with Raoul. Kimble was also in New Ray’s Story repeatedly in relation to his life from 1967 to Orleans at the same time that Ray claims to have Ray claimed to be in Memphis on a gunrun- 1968. Since Raoul’s identity was never con- received another payment from him. It is also in ning mission for a man he knew as Raoul. He firmed to be any existing person, it was always his FBI file that he had met with Grand Dragons had been instructed by the same man to pur- treated as a questionable part of the story. The of the Klu Klux Klan on July 18, 1967, and his chase the pale yellow Mustang that he was dri- investigation committee did research Raoul but wife had seen guns and explosives in the trunk ving in Memphis that day. He purchased a 30.06 determined that he didn’t exist. Most of this rea- of his car that day. Remington Gamesmaster rifle in Birmingham, soning stemmed from a lack of any witnesses In 1989, Jules Kimble, while serving a dou- Alabama at Raoul’s request “to show to poten- who had seen Ray and Raoul together at their ble life sentence, was interviewed by BBC tial clients.” He had originally bought a less alleged twelve-to-fifteen meetings. There were, reporters. He readily told them that he knew powerful rifle but had exchanged it at Raoul’s however, witnesses who had heard James Earl Ray and had been involved in the conspiracy to urging. Ray talking about getting money or meeting kill King; he also added that he had told this to He checked into the New Rebel Motel on with his brother. The committee dismissed the FBI investigation committee. He said that April 3 but moved to Brewer’s Boarding House Raoul as Ray’s way to protect his brother(s) but Ray didn’t pull the trigger and was only a patsy. on April 4, again at Raoul’s urging. When he it could also mean that “brother” was his Kimble said he was familiar with the assassina- parked the car on April 4, he noted that there euphemism for Raoul, which was the explana- tion scenario and implicated an element of US was a very similar looking white Mustang tion from Ray’s brothers. intelligence headquartered in a southern city. parked ahead of it. After checking into the room, Another unanswered question is why would Kimble said his job was to navigate Ray from Ray was sent to run errands and, when he Ray return the rifle for a more powerful one, if Atlanta to Montreal in 1967 to meet with a CIA returned about 5:00, Raoul asked him to leave not by Raoul’s suggestion? He used the excuse identities specialist. When this was investigated again so he could meet alone with clients, sug- that, since the rifle was for deer hunting, his with an ex-agent of the CIA, he affirmed that the gesting that Ray go to a movie. Ray didn’t know “brother” needed a more powerful rifle because identities specialist had been in Toronto at that what to do and eventually went to fix the spare he was hunting in Michigan, where the game time and seemed quite surprised that someone tire he had discovered was flat. On his way back was bigger. This is important because it shows had known that. The specialist’s name was to Brewer’s, he found the area full of policeman. that Ray wasn’t sure what type of rifle was Raoul Miora. It does pose the question: When Being a wanted criminal on illegal business, he needed. In his autobiography, he seems to be Ray refers to Raoul, is he talking about Kimble immediately fled the city. While he was driving, rather unfamiliar with rifles at all. Ray also or Miora? Is it a composite of the two charac- he heard on the radio that King had been shot mentions that Raoul was quite vague in the type ters, or is Raoul an alias for Kimble? and that the police were looking for a white man of hunting rifle that he was looking for in this in a white Mustang. He realized how much this case. Ray’s Aliases description sounded like himself, and so he There was a particularly Raoul-like charac- It is not at all exceptional or notable that headed for Atlanta, where he had left some ter who appeared later. His name was Jules Ray used aliases. Nearly every petty criminal belongings on his last visit. He abandoned the Ricco Kimble. He went by “Roland” or “Rollie” uses aliases from time to time to protect their car in an Atlanta parking lot and took a bus to and was operating out of the right neighborhood identity. The notable things, however, are the Detroit. From there he took a train to Toronto, at the right time to have met Ray as he claims. incredible coincidences surrounding Ray’s hoping that he’d find a way to leave North Kimble was discovered by a newspaper reporter aliases. Eric Starvo Galt, Ramon George Sneyd, America for good. He researched newspapers in who was combing the area for such a person. He Paul Bridgeman, and John Willard were all the Toronto area and applied for a passport eventually tracked down Kimble’s girlfriend Toronto residents from the same neighborhood under the name Ramon George Sneyd. On May and discovered that Rollie kept a trunk full of living in a small radius of a few miles. None of
It got to the point where they would blackmail King and then send him anonymous letters trying to persuade him to commit suicide. them knew each other. They were all of the Mr. Willard (Ray) was using the bathroom. even detoured from his trip to the car to drop the approximately same height, weight, hair color After the shot was fired, both Stephens and bundle in that location. Canipe, the owner of the (dark), and appeared to be the same age as Ray. Anschutz claimed they ran into the hallway and business, was one of the witnesses, and he A few of the men even had scars on their faces saw a man running from the bathroom with a described the man to be “chunky” and “dark like Ray. Ray also had plastic surgery on his bundle. It is speculated that Ray fired the fatal skinned.” Ray is neither. nose in 1967, making him look even more like shot from a situated spot in the bathtub. Later, writers who analyzed the situation Eric Galt than previously. He changed his hair- A package was found by police in the door- speculated that Ray wanted to be able to take style to further resemble several of these men. way of Canipe’s, an amusement company next credit for the crime later and left the bundle as How did he assemble documents on these peo- door to Brewer’s Boarding House on Main his calling card. This sounds well in theory but ple? Ray had never been to Toronto. All of his Street. The package contained a 30.06 is rather inconsistent with the rest of Ray’s previous aliases had been people he had known Remington Gamesmaster rifle that was boxed, activities and behaviors. He was trying to estab- from prison, an old neighborhood, or his broth- binoculars, ammunition, Schlitz beer, some lish a new identity outside of North America ers’ friends. When probed about how he food, and a portable prison radio (with Ray’s without drawing attention to the fact that he was obtained these aliases, Ray changed his story numbers on it). Witnesses who saw the man an escaped criminal. frequently and acted as if he couldn’t recall the who dropped the bundle said that he was neat details. The committee let this issue drop, refer- and clean and wore a dark suit. Other witnesses A Gunman in the Bushes? ring to them as “uncredible” and “almost” unbe- had claimed that Ray looked neat and clean The police and FBI completely ignore the lievable coincidences. compared to the locals and was wearing a dark testimony of anyone who insists that the shoot- brown suit that day. er wasn’t Ray or that the shot originated from Ray’s Funding The same witnesses saw a white Mustang anywhere other than the bathroom window at If not Raoul, then who funded Ray in 1967 pull away from the curb, leaving skid marks. Brewer’s. Solomon Jones said that he saw a man to 1968? This is a major focus of several inves- Ray describes his own car as “a very pale yel- with something white on his face and something tigators of the case, because it is one fact that low.” under his arm flee from the bushes in the court- has remained unanswered. Ray’s explanation is An abandoned car registered to Eric S. Galt yard after the shot was fired. Harold Carter currently the only plausible one. Martin was found. It matched a description of a “white” affirmed a similar statement and was seated just Waldron is one investigator who described it as Mustang that was seen fleeing the scene of the in front of the bushes at the time. He saw a man Ray’s “trail of free spending.” The FBI has tried crime. Two witnesses claimed to have seen a with a high necked white sweater and a rifle or to claim that Ray robbed the Alton Bank in dark man carrying a package and fleeing from shotgun flee the scene. In both cases, the police Alton, IL (where he grew up), but sources show Brewer’s Boarding House. intimidated these men to the point where they that he was living in Toronto at that time. Fingerprints on the rifle and scope were were afraid to repeat these accounts. Ray has quoted the specific dates, places, later matched to Ray’s. The serial number on the There was a broadcast on the police radio and amounts that he was paid by Raoul, along rifle matched the one that Ray had bought in describing a car chase that never took place. It with the services performed and the denomina- Birmingham, Alabama. Ray was the suspect for said the cars (including a white Mustang) were tions of the bills. This certainly adds some cred- the crime, and the popular opinion was that he headed northeast. Ray headed south. ibility to his story. acted alone. At 6:36, the report was “60 at Jackman and When Ray was living in Toronto just after Hollywood. Mobile unit. East on Summers – the murder, he was visited by a “fat man” deliv- Questionable Parts of from Highland exceeding speed limit. Blue ’66 ering an envelope. He paid his rent the same day the Police’s Story Pontiac going over 75 mph. Three white males and purchased a plane ticket to England. Of Just because Ray’s prints were on the rifle in blue Pontiac. North on Jackson.” course, people immediately questioned if this doesn’t mean that that he ever fired it, let alone At 6:48, the description included “White was a co-conspirator in the case. The man went the fatal shot. As far as we know, Ray had never Mustang is shooting at Pontiac. Austin Peay. to the police shortly afterwards, saying that he fired a gun or killed anyone prior to this day. Approaching the road going into naval base.” had just been a stranger delivering a lost letter. Why would he trust himself to be able to fire a At no time was there ever an adequate To add further intrigue, Ray was horribly para- single fatal shot from a rifle that he wasn’t even explanation for this broadcast. Police Chief noid at this point, rarely leaving his room. When accustomed to using? Remember, Ray was not a Holloman said it was a teenager involved in a the envelope was delivered, he came forward murderer. He was a small time thief turned into prank. He seemed troubled by further questions, eagerly when he could have requested to have it a gun runner. saying, “I don’t recall if we ever found out who brought to him. It seems that Ray had run out of The origin of the shot was never called into it was.” money prior to this, because he neglected to question or scrutinized, either. It was simply Other unexplained Mustang references purchase his plane ticket for six days after it was assumed that because the police wanted to occurred at 6:10, 6:12, 6:35, 6:48, and 6:53. available. This could hardly be the behavior of a believe the shot came from the bathroom win- fugitive in a hurry. When confronted, the man dow of Brewer’s that that assumption was not Two Mustangs was very edgy and refused to testify for the FBI, able to be questioned. When it was questioned, One explanation that might help to explain fearing for his life. As reasons for his fear, he people’s testimonies were dismissed. these reports was the fact that there were two cited people being killed who were witnesses in white mustangs at the crime scene. FBI inter- the Kennedy assassination. The Bundle views and press reports at the time confirmed Another important question is why would this. Ray always described his car as “pale yel- The Police’s Story Ray take precious time to box the rifle (as if it low,” but every witness describes both The police’s explanation for the story and had never been used) and wrap it in a bedspread Mustangs as white. One Mustang was parked how Ray is involved is as follows: with all of his belongings? Why would he dump almost directly in front of Jim’s Grill and the Ray arrived in Memphis the day before the it on the sidewalk instead of in the Mustang, just other was parked a few car lengths south, closer shooting. He originally checked into the New a few feet away? to Canipe’s. Rebel Motel but moved the next day to The bundle is a very critical part of the evi- Four witnesses established that the car in Brewer’s Boarding House, using the alias John dence for the police to link the crime to Ray. front of Jim’s was there from about 3:55 until Willard. Ray rejected a room that had no view The FBI and inspection committee speculated 5:20. The car in front of Canipe’s was spotted at of the Lorraine Motel in favor of one that did. that Ray might have dropped the bundle in a about 4:30 and again after 5:00. Witnesses said The furniture was rearranged, most likely for panic after seeing police officers at the scene. they noticed a white, dark haired man sitting the reason of watching King from a window They never investigated the angle that the behind the wheel until a little before 5:20. perch. Ray had a newly purchased pair of binoc- dropped bundle might be a plant designed to One car left the area before 6:00. Two men ulars. implicate Ray. The witnesses’ observations walking past the corner of Main and Vance Another resident of Brewer’s, William don’t support the FBI’s assumptions. All of the remembered seeing a Mustang pass directly in Anschutz, claimed that he found the bathroom witnesses claim that the dark suited man who front of them between 5:15 and 5:30. The sec- occupied several times in the hours before the dropped the bundle was not fleeing in a panic. ond Mustang screeched away minutes after the shooting. Another resident, Charles Stephens, He walked casually and appeared to have delib- bundle was dropped. told Anschutz that the new tenant, erately discarded the bundle at that spot. He Based on what we know of Ray’s move- 72 ments and what he alleges his movements were, cleanly dressed in a dark suit. Even this man’s the Missouri State Prison. Ray also served time it’s pretty safe to say that the car in front of wife later admitted that there was a “resem- with John Paul Spika, Byer’s brother-in-law. Jim’s Grill was his. He checked into Brewer’s at blance” between the two men. The man claimed Spika was later pressured to say that he told Ray 3:30 and bought binoculars at 4:00. that he was at the rooming house from 2:00 until about the offer. He was later mysteriously It seems far less likely that the Mustang in 5:30 when he went to make phone calls, but this killed. Ray’s sister owned the Grape Vine front of Canipe’s belonged to Ray. For one is inconsistent with several people’s testi- Tavern, a bar in St. Louis where underworld thing, it was not spotted until between 4:30 and monies, who saw him eating dinner at Jim’s types hung out to make contacts. Ray’s brother 4:45. If Ray was the assassin, why would he Grill at 4 P.M. He later claimed that he was hav- John was the manager. It is theorized that Ray wait in the parked car for 30 to 45 minutes when ing dinner in a restaurant while King was shot could have discovered the offer there due to the he could be inside setting up the kill? Based on (which occurred at 6 P.M.). Did he have dinner fact the George Wallace headquarters was what we know, it seems that the man who twice in two hours? across the street, and Sutherland was a huge dropped the bundle in front of Canipe’s also He claimed that he had come to Memphis as supporter. There is no firm evidence that any of drove away in the Mustang that was parked in part of his plan to get to California. Again, his this actually developed. While trying to estab- front of Canipe’s. story has gaping holes because two days earlier lish a motive, the committee researching these The simple fact that two cars of the same he had been in Little Rock, which is several details seems to be suggesting conspiracy as make, model, and color were in the immediate hundred miles closer to where he was going. He well. vicinity of the crime scene arouses suspicion. claimed that he came to Memphis looking for The prosecution was able to put Ray at the The closeness of their timelines continues to someone who needed a car delivered to scene of the crime but failed to prove that he arouse that same suspicion. Also the fact that the California. He changed his story later on to say was the shooter. Having his fingerprints on the car in front of Jim’s left the area between 5:00 that he had come to Memphis to “sell some rifle and scope does not prove that he shot the and 5:30 adds credibility to Ray’s story that he things.” He didn’t mention going to California rifle. The 30.06 bullet was never linked to his left the area at Raoul’s urging between 5:00 and this time. rifle. It was said that it was “possible” it was 6:00. The FBI only helped to contribute to peo- fired from that rifle, but it was also possible it ple’s interest in this man by deleting sections of was fired from any number of other, similar Two Dark Suits their own documents on him. Most of the dele- rifles that were in Memphis that day. In a legal Ray was well dressed compared to most tions aren’t data of personal nature to protect the setting, guilt and conviction work on a system people in the neighborhood. On April 4 and 5, man. Rather, the sections pertained to the scene of no reasonable doubt. Since the facts were there was a second well dressed man also wear- of the crime and the man’s military record. never brought into question, it was easy for the ing a dark suit in the neighborhood. The investi- prosecution to walk all over Ray. His lawyer, gation committee chose to ignore this fact also. The Aftermath and Investigation Percy Foreman, failed to represent him at all, The owner of Jim’s Grill had called the In 1974, Russell Byers, a St. Louis under- neglecting to challenge or object to any state- police on April 5 because of a man wearing a world figure, told an FBI informant that he had ments made against him. dark suit who was acting peculiar while he was been offered $50,000 to kill King. He claimed Another unanswered question is how would eating breakfast. Everyone else was very dis- that in 1966 or 1967, a drug dealer named John Ray know that Brewer’s was connected to the turbed and stressed by the shooting while this Kaufman asked him if he was interested in mak- adjacent building containing the bathroom man remained calm. He had also been eating ing a huge sum of money. The same evening, where the shot supposedly originated? It was dinner in Jim’s Grill the previous afternoon at they went to the home of John Sutherland, a not visible from the street, and he had not been about 4 P.M. Ray claimed to have seen this man wealthy patent attorney and right winger. inside the upstairs of Brewer’s until the day of as well on April 4 and also described him as act- Sutherland was wearing the full dress of a the shooting. ing strange. The police questioned the man on Confederate colonel’s uniform and was sur- April 5, and he claimed that he had hitchhiked rounded by Civil War memorabilia. He offered Ballistics all night on April 3 to arrive early in the morn- $50,000 for Byers to kill King or have him Many questions remain about the trajectory ing on April 4. He was staying at Helen killed. Byers said that he would think it over, of the bullet involved because the scenario was Wynne’s, another rooming house in the immedi- and it was eventually forgotten. To his knowl- never established. For some reason, the investi- ate area. He was released without being finger- edge, nothing was developed from that meeting. gators were never too interested in determining printed because he “didn’t fit the available It was established that Ray could have pos- the position that King was in when he was shot. description,” when in reality, he did. He had sibly found out about the offer from a friend of This would normally be important to determine blue eyes and brown hair; he was neat and Kaufman’s, Hugh Maxey, the prison doctor at the angle that the bullet traveled and thus find its
One particular FBI supervisor was elated when he found out King had been shot and then later was lit- erally jumping for joy when King was pro- nounced dead. “Coincidentally,” he was also assigned on the detail to investi- gate the assassination. source. Of course, this is coming from the same case or interviewed Ray for any reason other Murtaugh, a former agent. He also doesn’t investigators who did everything they could to than selling information to Huie. He had been believe the crime was ever investigated. The quiet witnesses who said that the shot came paid $165,000 to defend Ray, and now he was FBI issued a statement in less than twenty-four from anywhere but the bathroom window. just looking for an easy guilty plea. hours that no conspiracy was involved, yet they In addition, Ray had always been a very Ray feared the judge wouldn’t allow new had extradited Ray from England on charges of poor shot and he knew that. Why would he trust counsel so close to the trial date. Instead of let- conspiracy. How could they be so certain so himself on the chances of one bullet at such a ting Foreman throw the trial if he pled innocent, quickly, before any investigation was done? distance with so much obscuring his view? Ray pled guilty as an act of desperation and as a Maybe it was because they didn’t really care At the evidentiary hearing for Ray, a former result of his living environment at the time. about the truth to begin with. FBI ballistics expert said that not even the most Three days later, Ray appealed the case. One particular FBI supervisor was elated skilled gunman could have successfully pulled The process of appeals has been equally when he found out King had been shot and then off the shot in the manner suggested by the pros- stacked against Ray from the start. While Judge later was literally jumping for joy when King ecution. According to the expert, to effectively Preston W. Battle was reviewing Ray’s request was pronounced dead. “Coincidentally,” he was achieve such a shot, the butt of the rifle would for an appeal, he died mysteriously of a heart also assigned on the detail to investigate the have had to stick six inches into the wall. The attack in his office. Federal Judge William E. assassination. prosecution claimed that Ray had contorted Miller also died of a mysterious heart attack It took the FBI and local authorities fourteen himself into a position around the bathtub in while at the courthouse reviewing Ray’s request days to discover that Eric Starvo Galt was actu-
Despite police and FBI intimidation, [Grace Stephens] stuck by her story and was later committed to a mental institution for twenty years, with no history of mental disorders. The doctors said she did not belong there.... her story has never changed. order to make the shot. Considering that Ray for a trial. Both of these judges appeared to be ally James Earl Ray, despite the fact that Ray’s had no rifle skills, this just sounds ridiculous. giving Ray a fair chance at a trial. Creepy. prison radio (bearing his inmate numbers) that The bullet recovered from King was never During the trial, Foreman objected to no had been left at the scene would have identifed adequately tested. All that was established was questions from the prosecution, not even ones him immediately with any inspection. Galt was that it was “possible” it was fired from the rifle that were leading or improper. He performed no the name that Ray had used when identifying in question. This certainly doesn’t sound like a cross examination of witnesses. himself to Raoul. case of “beyond reasonable doubt.” Another curious character is a government The FBI’s Involvement informer named Randolph Erwin Rosenson who Ray’s Lawyers At the scene of the crime, the FBI didn’t was known as “Randy Rosen.” Most of the FBI After his extradition from Britain for radio in that King had been shot until thirty min- files pertaining to him are completely classified, charges of conspiracy, Ray was confined for utes after the shooting. This gave the shooter(s) but the remaining portions show that he paral- eight months in a brightly lit cell. The lights and the valuable time that was needed to escape. leled Ray’s movements in 1967 to 1968, includ- guards were present twenty-four hours a day. There was no explanation as to why the FBI ing Ray’s trip to Birmingham where the rifle Closed-circuit cameras and multiple micro- waited this long. purchase occurred — the rifle which was the phones constantly monitored his every move. Days before the assassination, the FBI had supposed murder weapon. Under these extreme conditions, with Ray’s prepared a speech for Senator Robert Byrd to On King’s previous visits to Memphis, he physical and mental state deteriorating, his deliver to the Senate condemning King’s stayed in the Holiday Inn, which is a primarily attorney, Arthur Hanes, continually pressured actions. The speech even alluded to King as a white owned and patronized hotel. One of the him to plead guilty. From the beginning, Ray communist. The FBI had further plans to create main agendas of the demonstration was a boy- had claimed he was a patsy in a larger conspira- its own “black messiah” to replace King. cott of downtown white businesses. Cartha cy, and he continued to insist on a trial. After King’s assassination, the FBI contin- DeLoach, the head of Cointelpro, was involved Simultaneously, William Bradford Huie was ued surveillance of King’s family and followers in a campaign to embarrass King because of his paying Hanes for information for a book he was for another year. Next, they secretly moved to decision to stay in the Holiday Inn, instead of a writing on James Earl Ray. Huie offered the publish a book telling the side of the story that black owned and patronized hotel like the money to pay for the trial. Unfortunately, Huie they wanted portrayed, as well as publishing Lorraine. Several published articles labeled him leaked far too much to the press, and the prose- newspaper stories undermining the King family. as a hypocrite, and it is theorized that, as a cution would get a great sampling of what Ray Life Magazine published a story about Ray con- result, he stayed in the (much more vulnerable) was planning. A guilty plea supported Huie’s taining a considerable amount of lies about his Lorraine Motel for his next visit, thus unknow- best interest as well, as it would give his book childhood life and family and referring to him as ingly assisting his own murder. maximum value as the information would all be the “lone nut assassin.” They went as far as Another interesting aspect of the situation is new to its readers. In order to market his book, putting a picture of his grade school class on the the story of a local reporter in Memphis. After Huie went as far as writing lies that the public cover. To further obscure the truth, the photo reviewing photographs of the scene, he discov- accepted as truth. He wrote that the palm prints was centered on what appeared to be “the mean ered that there was not a clear view from the found in the bathroom and room #5 belonged to kid” of the class, while Ray was almost com- supposed bathroom window to the balcony of Ray, even though they didn’t. The police never pletely unable to be seen in the photo behind the Lorraine, where the shot supposedly origi- revealed who these prints really belonged to. someone else’s head. The attempt to promote nated from. In fact, it was completely obscured James Earl Ray’s brother Jerry advised him Ray as the “lone nut assassin” was later con- by branches from ten-to-twelve foot oak and to dump Hanes and contact Percy Foreman, a firmed to be part of the FBI agenda by one of willow trees in the courtyard. This would have prominent criminal defense lawyer known for their own FBI documents. The intelligence completely impaired the vision of anyone trying being aggressive. Ray was hesitant, but other detail of the FBI who had harassed, threatened, to make an already difficult shot. Just as this lawyers were turning down the case. and tried to convince King to kill himself were revelation was being discovered, the city made Foreman eventually took Ray’s case with an the same ones assigned to investigate his mur- a decision to cut down the trees. No further even more adamant stance than Hanes about der. It was a joke, a travesty of justice. The will investigation of this aspect of the case has been Ray pleading guilty. Despite his promise not to to seek the truth and find the right answers was pursued. contact any authors until after the trial, Foreman nonexistent. How could this effort have been Later, it became questionable whether or not also entered into a contract with Huie, forging taken seriously? the FBI’s investigation was credible when the Ray’s name. Ray continually insisted on a trial. “The feeling against King was so strong that Senate was debunking the reports from the Foreman manipulated Ray by threatening that if the FBI had had advance information of an Warren Commission. It discovered that the FBI he couldn’t guarantee his best efforts as defense assassination plot against King and no one else had destroyed evidence, suborned perjury, and counsel. Foreman hadn’t even researched the knew about it – they would sit on it,” said Arthur committed perjury in order to protect the 75 killer(s) of John Kennedy. This posed the ques- law enforcement operation in the region were seeing his profile. The surgery significantly tion of whether or not any FBI investigation was present for this meeting. Supposedly, a secret changed his appearance from this perspective. credible. service officer flew to Memphis to share the James McGraw, a cab driver, came to pick information. If this was such a grave threat, then up Stephens approximately three minutes before Frank Holloman why did the officer fly instead of just telephon- the shooting and said that Stephens was so Frank Holloman was the chief of police and ing the information? Redditt resisted the order drunk that he was unable to stand. Eventually, chief of the fire department in Memphis in because his mother-in-law was very sick and he after getting frustrated, McGraw left Stephens 1968. He had been a former FBI agent for twen- did not want to move her. His thinking was that lying on the bed and left the building. He said ty-five years, working in many of the local he would be well enough protected at his post in that he also noticed that there were two white offices that monitored King in Atlanta, the firehouse. He was eventually forced to go Mustangs parked in front of Brewer’s. Memphis, and Jackson, Mississippi. He even home and was told that there was “nothing to Lloyd Jowers also agreed that Stephens was bugged King in Memphis when the sanitation discuss.” Other officers were sent home with noticeably drunk on April 4 and had been unable strike was developing. He was a close, personal him under the guise that they were present to to pay his rent. friend of J. Edgar Hoover. In the hours before guard him. Grace Stephens was Charles’s wife. She had the assassination, he pulled all African Once they arrived at his home, it became been in the room with him during the shooting American police and firemen from the scene of apparent that the officers were truly there to and claims that Stephens never saw the shooter the crime and positioned them elsewhere, with watch him, not to protect him. They insisted on flee and was not able to leave the bed. She also no logic and little explanation. being at his side at all times. They all sat in the says that he was not wearing his glasses at the car out of his house as King was shot. Redditt time and is virtually blind without them. She Floyd Newsum was afraid to go inside because he thought the said that she was the only one who had seen the Floyd Newsum was a fire- person fleeing from the bath- fighter at Station 2 during April room and that it was not Ray. of 1968. He was an avid King She, unlike her husband, had follower. The day of the assas- not been drinking that day. sination, he was moved out of Despite police and FBI intimi- the area to Station 31. This type dation, she stuck by her story of reassignment is typical if one and was later committed to a station is overstaffed while mental institution for twenty another is short staffed. years, with no history of mental However, in this case, it was disorders. The doctors said she quite the opposite. Newsum’s did not belong there and that relocation made the equipment her condition was worsening at Station 2 inoperable, because from living there. She was the they had become one person only resident not granted visi- short to operate it. Newsum tors and was later only released was an extra, unnecessary man after pressure from indepen- at Station 31. The official rea- dent people investigating the son for moving Newsum was case. Despite twenty years and protection. The question is a fair share of intimidation tac- what was he being protected tics, her story has never from? changed. Mr. Stephens eventu- Newsum stated, “There is ally recanted his entire story. no way that they could have Their friends said they were thought that they were doing afraid to testify after seeing me a favor, protecting me, or making me more what happened to the Stephens. comfortable by transferring me. I am sure that I presence of the other officers would disturb his A nearby service station manager told one was not moved because of considerations of my mother-in-law. He also did not believe that his of the investigators for Ray’s defense team that safety.” mother-in-law had a radio inside the house, but he saw Ray several blocks from Brewer’s at the If Newsum had been outside during the in fact, she did. They raced inside when they time of the shooting. This man was stabbed soon shooting, he would have seen the killer(s) flee heard that King had been shot. His mother-in- after he started talking to the defense team. and would have only been a few yards behind law was screaming. The next day, she died of them. grief, screaming, “Dr. King. Dr. King. Dr. King. Was the CIA Involved? Wallace was another African American who God take me instead of Dr. King.” The secret The CIA always did a good job of giving the was positioned at Station 2 that day. He was service knew nothing of a threat against Redditt. image that they had little interest in King. They moved to Station 33. Station 2 has a clear view Redditt’s partner, Richmond, remained on the kept a very small domestic file on his activities of the Lorraine motel and was used as a post for scene and did not carry out any part of their plan and received information mostly from the FBI. police and FBI to monitor King. to protect King. One of them was to go to the This illusion was destroyed when an agent street and scout the area, watching for people revealed that the CIA was keeping their true fleeing, while the other radioed to the mobile Ed Redditt files on King in the highly classified “Western Ed Redditt was the brains behind the unit. Instead, Richmond did nothing and refuses Hemisphere desk” where it filed its anti-Castro Memphis police department’s security detail on to talk about it. operations. This type of secrecy alleges that King. On the day of the murder, his security those documents were politically sensitive, if detail was reduced from ten people to two. Witnesses not illegal. Then again, that’s nothing new for When King arrived, his people asked not to be Charles Stephens was the star witness of the the CIA. Documents released under the shadowed by security, and the chief was very prosecution. He had claimed to see Ray fleeing Freedom of Information Act also later revealed eager to dismiss the security entirely. (After the from the scene of the crime but later could not that the CIA was passing information on King to way that they had been treated in the past, it was identify Ray. He was bribed with $30,000 by the the FBI. common for King and his followers to have dis- FBI to say that he saw Ray fleeing the scene, Like the FBI, the CIA was probably inter- trust for the police and their work.) Redditt and he still couldn’t seem to get his story ested in King because of the supposed connec- insisted on keeping a two man security team straight. Before Stephens had received the bribe, tion between black power movements and com- after he was told to go home the first time. he gave three descriptions that didn’t fit Ray at munists. As a result, they infiltrated many Two hours before the shooting, Ed Redditt all and said he did not get a good look at the groups, took photographs, and monitored mili- was sent back to HQ. He was then told that there man. The photos that he saw of Ray were before tancy in black youths. was a contract on his life, and he was immedi- he had received plastic surgery on his nose. Of course, there is a huge difference ately sent to stay at a hotel. The heads of every Stephens had supposedly identified Ray from between surveillance and murder, 77 but there are implications for that as well. The How Do We Solve the Case? details the trials of the wrongful death suit fact that surveillance on King was so heavy In order to truly solve the case, we’d need against the FBI and CIA and the trial’s conclu- offers us a motive. Kimble implicates the CIA an independent, impartial group of truth seek- sion – that the US government was over 60% in his statements, saying they had seven opera- ers who could access classified FBI and CIA responsible for King’s assassination. tives, among whom were two snipers with rifles files without any deletions. Phil Melanson rec- Who masterminded and laid the ground- identical to Ray’s. The operatives obtained ommends a special prosecutor. work for the assassination? We may never police uniforms, and two of them hid in the The truth seekers could further investigate know. Some people want to readily jump to bushes (one of whom could have been the per- what people had seen in the bushes and obtain conclusions, but as we’ve seen above, those son seen fleeing wearing a high necked white the footprint analysis that has never been made who are most outspoken have been FBI agents sweater and carrying a rifle). If the primary shot public. Unidentified prints in the bundle and in working within an organization to discredit the failed, the other acted as a backup. The rifles the boarding house should be inspected and movement. Dexter blames army intelligence, were deposited behind the boarding house and compared to all persons, including Kimble. the FBI, the CIA, and Lyndon Johnson for hav- obtained by other operatives who resembled Kimble’s relationship to the CIA should be ing some involvement. police officers. probed and unclassified. Memphis police offi- Ray serves as the ideal patsy and is power- Kimble’s credibility is, of course, in ques- cers on the scene should be identified and ques- less fighting against organizations as powerful tion, but most of his stories check out and align tioned about the movement of the tactical units as these. I personally believe that Ray and other themselves perfectly with other facts that have and the death threats against Reddit. Raoul people know more than they are willing to talk been established. The CIA identities specialist Miora should be interviewed. The second “dark about, for fear of something much greater than who Kimble had mentioned was in fact in suit” should be questioned under oath about the themselves. It’s downright frightening just how Toronto at the same time as Ray. There are cur- gaps in his story. plausible it is for US intelligence agencies to rently no other plausible explanations as to have carried out a killing and then a cover up. I where Ray’s unbelievable aliases came from. Conclusions believe a new investigation is essential to the It seems that there are far too many holes in future freedoms of this country. Conspiracy? the case to sleep comfortably at night. For one The term conspiracy really only means that thing, if the CIA, FBI, and Cointelpro exist to Sources / Recommended Reading: two or more people were working together protect the safety and best interests of the For a more detailed account of what happened, towards a common goal. All of the evidence American people, then why are there so many along with more supporting facts, check out suggests that even if Ray was somehow periph- classified documents and so much deleted these fine books: erally involved, then he did not or could not information? Shouldn’t these organizations be Melanson, Philip, Who Killed Martin Luther have acted alone. Of course, this whole concept accountable to us, the American public? The King? (Odonian Press, Berkeley, 1993) was downplayed by the police, the FBI, and the CIA still has no accountability whatsoever, and, Ray, James Earl, Who Killed Martin Luther investigation committee. In reality, we’d need despite being declared unconstitutional, King? (National Press Books, Bethesda, 1992) to have much more information than is avail- Cointelpro still exists today. Lane, Mark and Gregory, Dick, Murder in able to the general public at this point in time. In recent years, King’s son Dexter met with Memphis: The FBI and the Assassination of It seemed that the plan was to establish that Ray to express the fact that Coretta Scott King Martin Luther King. (Thunder’s Mouth Press, Eric Galt was the guilty party. Many documents (King’s widow) and their family believed that New York, 1993) turned up in his name (but not the name on the he is innocent. In December 1999, Janet Reno Weisburg, Harold, Martin Luther King: The register at Brewer’s or the rifle purchase), and awarded a settlement of $100 to the King fam- Assassination (Graf, New York,1971) the other aliases would serve to implicate him, ily for a “wrongful death” and determined that since they were all his Toronto neighbors. Galt, there was a conspiracy to kill King, including This article originally appeared in the zine The unlike Ray, was an excellent marksman who agencies of his own government. A disturbing CIA Makes Science Fiction Unexciting. Copies traveled with guns in his car and had worked fact is that only two reporters showed up to the of the original zine are available for $1 + 1 with US secret military projects at a Carbide press conference to discuss this development, stamp individually. plant. He’d also traveled to Birmingham and the news coverage of it was ridiculously Microcosm Publishing (where the rifle was purchased) and Memphis. minimal. It was an incredibly courageous and PO Box 14332 Luckily, for Galt’s sake, the authorities found unprecedented move to prosecute groups like Portland, OR 97293-0332 Ray first. the CIA and FBI. William Pepper has a new www.microcosmpublishing.com book on the subject called An Act of State. It [email protected]
In December 1999, Janet Reno awarded a settlement of $100 to the King family for a “wrongful death” and determined that there was a conspir- acy to kill King.
79 or goat so much, but I’ve heard this before and it sounded better last time. If Please note: If you’re you really need to understand what this sounds like (and I’d hope that my suffer- an established record ing absolved you of any such imagined company, and you or real responsibility on that account), imagine New Found Glory signing to send us a pre-release Victory and changing their sound just without all the album enough to fit in but not so much that they gave up sniveling. –Puckett art, we’re probably (The Militia Group)
going to throw that BEAUTYS, THE: The First shit away... Seven Inches Are Always the Hardest: CD cock gobblers. It’s no secret that I’m a big fan of The Beautys, so I was stoked to see this CD in the Razorcake PO box. To be honest, I ADVENTURES OF JET, was hoping they’d recorded new songs, THE: Muscle: CD but they hadn’t. It doesn’t matter. I’m They still sound like an unholy alliance happy with a collection of their seven between the Cars, Elvis Costello and inches. This collection gives some good ELO, this album’s not as “rockin’” as insight into them as a band, because, their first album, Coping with even though the songs aren’t arranged Insignificance, and the hooks are a little chronologically, it’s easy to tell which more subtle than on that release, but Dirt-spitting, beer-soaked bad ass punk songs came from the early days when there’s still enough going on here to war- they were still trying to find their sound rant many listens. They remain one of rawk that will clear out a room full of and which songs come from their later my favorite guilty pleasures. –Jimmy recordings when they had their sound Alvarado (Suburban Home) emos quicker than a sweater sale down. But they’ve packed a lot of stuff at TJ Maxx. –Aphid Peewit into this collection: everything from their AGAINST ME!: The Disco first seven inch, Girl from Planet Fuck, Before the Breakdown: EP to their amazing A#1 Sex Shop Employee I wasn’t going to review this for stacks crawl out of my hole in the ground and they express. I, for one, do not speak a seven inch (which has The Beautys’ best full of bias, but someone just asked me to check them out. “Good” is the under- lick of Swedish. But once the needle hits ever song, “Coverband”), to unreleased tell them about the new Against Me! EP, statement of the year. Most people use the grooves, I’m a bouncing, epileptic, demos from ’95 and ’98, to songs that and I figured that since I am writing this the n-word (Naked Raygun) to describe spazz boy with no rhythm. Old school only made it on to obscure comps, to a anyway... I like it a lot. Not quite as punk the Arrivals, and that sound is definitely and street punk lovers will join hands handful of bonus live tracks. I actually or sing-along as the last two releases, but there, but I actually hear more Radon and become lovers of this band once they have most of the seven inches in this col- that’s not BAD. Tom from Against Me! than anything else. Using the least geeky hear the punk flavor they created. I saw lection, but the problem with the records told me that the 7” is better than the CD terms possible, both bands make real on a Swedish distro website that the 1st themselves is that they’re over so quick- version. I like the cover photo because it music for real people, people who don’t and 3rd EP have been re-released. I have ly that I’m always left wanting more. had the guitar player, James, looking give two shits about trends or popularity to get my hands on some of that! I hope With The First Seven Inches, The completely filled with passion, with the and play their music like it’s the most their whole catalog gets the same treat- Beautys give me more. They put it all on arm of some random crowd member natural thing in the world. This is every- ment. –Donofthedead (Hohnie) one nice CD with extra stuff that I’ve leaning against him. Songs are as such: thing that you could want in a band: hon- never heard and they save me from hav- “Disco Before the Breakdown” – a beau- esty, sincerity, creativity, and truckloads ASTRID OTO: self-titled: CD ing to get off my ass and flip the vinyl tiful, elaborate song about sexuality. of the rock and roll. –Josh (Thick) Astrid Oto remind me a lot of Cleveland every two songs. –Sean Carswell Subtle message against homophobia. Bound Death Sentence. They have the (Diaphragm) The horns... I have mixed feelings on. ASTA KASK: same kind of up-beat punk songs with “Tonight We Are Going to Give it 35%” Rock Mot Svinen: LP the same kind of sometimes political, BELLRAYS: – God DAMN. My best friend and I had On one of my most recent monthly pil- sometimes nostalgic-for-yesterday Raw Collection: CD been having a breakdown in communica- grimages to Headline Records in lyrics, and they even have the same kind Good lord, sweet Jesus, and HOT tion after a bad point in her life and she Hollywood, I noticed this record right of crazy-kid-in-a-Kinkos layout to the DAMN. That’s consistently been my referred to these lyrics as exactly what away, perched on the wall in full display CD packaging. All of this makes sense reaction every time I hear something she would have liked to have said. as a new arrival. I grabbed it to see what because both bands have the same drum- from these guys, and this ain’t no differ- (Oddly, she and I toured with Against it was. I knew that this Swedish band had mer/lyricist/layout guy, Aaron ent. A collection here of selected tracks Me! just before this was recorded.) been broken up since the mid-‘80s. With Cometbus. Astrid Oto even has a similar from 7” and 8” records and assorted Blends Tom screaming his throat out a quick flip of the wrist, I looked at the style of alternating male and female comps, which also serves as a roadmap with James singing and playing angelic back side of the album jacket to see that vocals to Cleveland Bound Death of the band’s evolution from soul- melodies in the background. “Beginning it is a compilation of tracks from all six Sentence. This makes it impossible for infused punk group to the fuggin’ sound in An Ending” – is a poignant, simple of their studio releases. Yippee! I think me to listen to this Astrid Oto album monster that it is today. To call this song that grows like a collage of unrelat- my brother has all the releases but I per- without comparing it to CBDS. This is a amazing would be an understatement. ed material that somehow works togeth- sonally haven’t heard all their music. I do shame, because if I’d never heard CBDS, Think of it more as a communion wafer er perfectly. Of course, go figure the own a copy of the mini LP Med Is I I’d love this album. It’s fast and catchy given to devotees to the church of rock- song that has lines about reading my Magen, which is a punk rock classic and without being poppy, and the vocals have ’n’roll. Crank “Say What You Mean” and zines in it. (Seriously.) –Rich Mackin a lucky find on my part. Also, I have a nice balance of anger, snottiness, and be converted. –Jimmy Alvarado (No Idea) them contributing tracks on the Really flat-out rocking. But I can’t help compar- (Upper Cut) Fast Vol. 1, 2 & 3 2xCD comp that ing it to CBDS and thinking that this AMDI PETERSEN’S ARME: Burrito Records/Sound Idea re-released would be a lot cooler if Emily and Paddy BIGFOOT IN PARIS: Blod Ser Mere Virkeligt a few years ago and on the Varning! For were singing. This is probably my prob- Such A Taste: CD Ud Pa Film: 7” Punk 3xCD comp which came out quite lem and not Astrid Oto’s. And, since Assity-ass-ass. Whiny lyrics over jazzy- Havoc Records has put out a lot of great awhile ago. From the liner notes provid- CBDS isn’t likely to put out anything rock. Wham + Erasure = Suck. –Megan European hardcore bands that actually ed on this release, they were a very pop- else, Astrid Oto does make a great sec- (www.bigfootin paris.com) play hardcore and not metal or emo, and ular band in Sweden during the early ond choice. –Sean Carswell (No Idea) Amdi Petersen’s Arme from Denmark ‘80s. They even received radio airplay. BLACK EYES: self-titled: CD continues in that fine tradition. Although They have similarities to Die Toten BEAUTIFUL MISTAKE, THE: Noisy, art-damaged skronk that is easily the lyrics are in another language, this is Hosen out of Germany – popular in their Light a Match, the most aggro new release I’ve heard on proof that hardcore can still be interest- homeland, but obscure here in the states. For I Deserve to Burn: CD Dischord in a while. The songs get a tad ing without sucking off the greats from It’s such a treat to my ears hearing more If you like Grade, Thursday, Waterdown, long-winded now and again, but damn if the past. Hell, if I didn’t know that this of this band. The music is melodic and Finch or any other melodic screamo this ain’t some nice work overall. was a new band, I would have thought it poppy but stays unique due to their not metal-core band that tries to croon every Thumbs up. –Jimmy Alvarado was a great from the past. A ripping sin- being heavily swayed by too many out- so often but also yearns to deflect any (Dischord) gle and a damn shame that they broke up. side influences like bands today. The emo labeling by periodically making –Josh (Havoc) music is not one bit wimpy, by any attempts – no matter how awkward, con- BOILS, THE: means. For the time period, the music is trived or affected those attempts may be Pride and Persecution: CD ARRIVALS, THE: played at a hyper pace without going out – to rock the fuck out, you will likely Just when I’m fed up with the waves of Exsenator Orange: CD of control and losing the melody. The enjoy this. I’m sure that somewhere, third-rate teenage mohawk rock ripping I kept hearing about how good this band lyrics are sung in Swedish and inject some girl or guy is listening to this and the ass off of Blitz and Cock Sparrer 80 was so I decided to almost a party attitude by how much fun crying because they love that girl or guy (when they think they’re copping Rancid), while inadvertently making a and a GG Allin cover (“Don’t Talk to Me” prison camp for street punk, comes anoth- – which brings to light the fact that, in the er band onto my radar screen that’s got it span of the now four issues i’ve written all right. The Boils have anger you can for Razorcake, i have been assigned to feel and musicianship that’s unmistakable review an at-least-somewhat wrestling- – catchy, and as sharp as getting tangled oriented band’s record twice, and on both up in spools of barbed wire. What’s occasions, said record has featured a refreshing is that The Boils actually cover of “Don’t Talk to Me,” which, for sound like they’re truly pissed, that the uninitiated, is not a wrestling-related Top 40 7”s they’ve got deep record collections, are song. I mean... am i missing something, concerned with amping their songs the or did i just beam into a reworking of the fuck out, and their hands have actually “A Piece of the Action” episode of Star “I still haven't come across seen calluses (and not from stroking their Trek where Oxmyx, et al, fell into posses- own egos). Pride and Persecution’s also sion of the first GG Allin album and an a turntable that cares how impressive by the fact that it changes old copy of Pro Wrestling Illustrated in many patches you have modes effortlessly without pussing – lieu of that book about mobsters of the from the early Agnostic Front hardcore ‘20s, or what?). In their more inspired when you play a record.” thud, to The Bodies’ velocity, all the way moments (“It Ain’t Cheatin’ [If the Ref –Sean to the abrasive poppiness of Sweden’s Ain’t Lookin’]”), they kinda evoke clas- Asta Kask. If you aren’t singing along to sic Elvis Hitler minus the rockabilly flir- “as long as there’s kids dumber than dirt” tations; everywhere else, they kinda send These are the from “New Majority,” perhaps you the vibe that the songs are structured to should be knitting a sweater instead, run longer than the concept behind them top 7”S since renewing your subscription to Young Miss is able to successfully support. Dude, it’s the last mag. (for the articles, you perv) and working all about the flying buttress! Er, wasn’t on your 401k. Philadelphia’s anger is that Iceman King Parsons’ finishing sounding mighty and good these days. As move? BEST SONG: “Don’t Talk to they say, “Here’s to the bittersweet taste Me,” duh. BEST SONG TITLE: “It Ain’t Underground Medicine Mailorder, Conneticut of anger in our blood.” Here’s to some- Cheatin’ (If The Ref Ain’t Lookin’)” thing 100% recommended. –Todd (TKO) FANTASTIC AMAZING TRIVIA FACT: Label design on this small-holed 1. Nikki Corvette, Love Me (Rapid Pulse) BOTTLES AND SKULLS: (and gray vinyled) record helpfully indi- , Modern Kicks (Pelado) Born in a Black Light: CD cates where large hole and large hole 2. Exploding Hearts Loved their Amped the Fuck Up 7”, but bleed would be, were, in fact, this record 3. Briefs, This Age (Crystal Songs) wasn’t too jazzed by the bonus tracks in possession of a large hole. –Rev. Nørb 4. Final Solutions, Eat Shit (Therapeutic) tacked onto the CD release of said 7”. (Low Down) , Shapes of Venus (In the Red) This is more like it. No happy chord pro- 5. Clone Defects gressions or boy band posturing here, BURN YOUR BRIDGES: 6. Lids, Too Late(Die Slaughterhouse) (Rapid Pulse) kids, just dark, loud, fucked up, rockin’ self-titled: CD 7. Inversions, Hung by the Phone tuneage in abundance. Then again, you Undoubtedly angry – mostly at crusties, (Rapid Pulse) can’t possibly expect less from a band scenesters, play-acting anarchists, the 8. Inversions, Domestic Disturbance with the creative foresight to name a song “punk-famous” and quite possibly any- 9. Stuck-Ups, Last Chance (Jonny Cat) “Pimento Llama.” –Jimmy Alvarado one automatically inclined to go to their , Backstabber (Lipstick) (Sickroom) shows – it’s grating, and speedy hardcore 10. Deadly Weapons that isn’t afraid of neither the occasional BRIEFS, THE: blast beat nor melody. Am I hearing this Off the Charts: LP right? There’s only a guitar and drum- So it looks like the major label route was mer? Bob (Lack of Interest is my guess) Know Crap Mailorder, Oregon not the way for these guys to go and they and Chris Dodge (ex-Spazz)? There’s an are back on Dirtnap where they belong. amazing bit of noise on here – and a nice 1. The Fix The Briefs probably wouldn’t have gone diversity of modes from full-on thrash to , Vengeance b/w In This Town (Spam-hamo) over too well with all the nu-punk jocks more moody songs (all clocking in under 2. Blowchunks, self-titled (High School Refuse) and the nu-garage assholes. This is the a minute, I believe). At the same time, I 3. Incontrollados music that people get beat up for listening occasionally found myself wanting more , Hvem Vil Det Gavne (Kick-n-Punch) 4. Briefs, (Looking Through) Gary Glitters Eyes to and that isn’t something that sells too dimensionality, imagining how a bass, (Screaming Apple) many records. Anyway, this pretty much another guitar, or using more dual vocals 5. Geeks, Dreamland in Machineland b/w Hey Wreck (SS) picks up where the last one left off: fun, would fatten and beef up the overall 6. Various Artists poppy, goofy punk rock that tips the hat to atmosphere. (I can’t help but think of , What Records? Sampler (Bacchus Archives) the Kinks just as much as it does to the Charles Bronson – both bands have slay- 7. Superhelicopter Ltd., White Nigger Rock-n-Roll Buzzcocks. You should buy this, and ing wit, similar approaches, and were/are (High School Refuse) while you’re at it, buy the first Kinks in it for the right reasons, but CB played 8. War of Destruction, self-titled (Kick-n-Punch) album, too. –Josh (Dirtnap) like a mad nest of hornets. Maybe I just 9. The Funtional Blackouts want more hornets with Burn Your , self-titled (Electrorock) BROKEN BOTTLES: Bridges.) Minimalist hardcore thrash? 10. The Highbeams/The Stuck Ups Bloody Mary: 7” Who would have thought? That all said, , split(Dirtnap) It’s striking, the difference between bands I’m keeping this CD. It’s scads better than that half-assedly rip off the past and those most of what I’ve been hearing lately, that can pull things out of it – and make it particularly in hardcore. –Todd better – without sounding like they’re liv- (Deep Six) ing in a TV re-run time warp of the punk Disgruntled Mailorder, California episode of “CHiPs.” Deep in the radiated BUZZCOCKS: self-titled: CD stucco dysfunction of southern Orange I am not ashamed to say that I have flat- 1. Neon King Kong, There’s a Party (Vinyl Dog) County, comes one of the best new bands out adored this band for going on two 2. Broken Bottles, I’ve heard since Smogtown hit our decades now. I am not ashamed to admit Bloody Mary (Revenge) shores. This single’s about cemetery sex that I thought their last two albums were, 3. The Orphans, Chinatown (Kapow) and heroin. While you’re at it, pick up to put it as politely as possible, wicked 4. Rolling Blackouts, their first 7”, Radioactive San Onofre. fuckin’ boring. I am also not ashamed to Add-Vice (Kapow) 5. Alleged Gunmen, –Todd (Revenge) report that, if this album is any indication, Audio Invasion (Kapow) they are well on the way to rectifying any 6. Flash Express, Ride the Flash Express BUMP-N-UGLIES: missteps taken on the aforementioned last (Headline) 7. BellRays, They Glued Your Head on Upside Down All-American 4-Pack: 7” EP two albums. The songs here, while are (Poptones) Traditional punk scene heathens/malcon- still just shy the lofty heights of greatness 8. Bikini Bumps/Lipstick Pickups, tents, who cover the four basic food they achieved from the Spiral Scratch split (G.C./Erectords) groups: pornography (“Hardcore Pride” – through Trade Test Transmissions releas- 9. an h/c parody yielding the almost-immor- es, are well constructed and catchy as Catholic Boys, Brainwash City (Kryptonite) tal line “The only shows I see are preced- hell. They’ve gone back to writing good 10. Stuckups, A Last Chance ed by a ‘peep’”), pro wrestling (“i think pop-infused punk tunes, which is a wel- (Johnny Cat) Tie it’s funny / you’re goin’ to Jack Tunney”), come relief, and Diggle’s developed 10. Kill A Watts, Kill City (Kryptonite) Tie the inherent lameness of more successful enough as a singer/songwriter to keep up scene peers (“The Roast [12 Reasons]”) with Shelley song-for-song. They were also nice enough to include a re-record- FM Knives (who, incidentally, are from CHROMATICS: Chrome Rats with the sensation that these songs are ing of “Lester Sands,” which originally Sacramento and have nothing to do with vs. Basement Rutz: CD deserving light-rotation phantom MTV appeared on one of their earliest the Buzzcocks). But, for sake of all that Arty noise rock, not unlike a punier demi-hits from a bygone (maybe?) era bootlegs as “Drop In the Ocean.” was once holy about the Buzzcocks, Birthday Party. It took me two listens, which may or may not have ever existed Considering I physically winced as I put don’t spend your money on this one. but I’m gettin’ pretty into this. It may be to begin with. MTV-rock as Pop? Alt- this on, terrified that one of my favorite –Sean Carswell (Merge) noisy and atonal, but at least it’s creative pop as Rock? Would i understand this bands was going to disappoint yet again, and it doesn’t sound anything like Blink better if i just broke down and got cable? I am not ashamed to say that I really like CAT POWER: 182. –Jimmy Alvarado (GSL) My major grievance with this whole the noise that’s coming from my speak- You Are Free: CD newly-minted and as-yet-unnamed sub- ers and that said noise is growing on me You Are Free, Cat Power’s first album of CINCH, THE: self-titled: CDEP genre is that the “hits,” as they were, in with each listen. –Jimmy Alvarado new material in almost four years, shim- I am hacking out a special wing of my their stern-jawed mission to be neither (Merge) mers with beautiful and fragile lyrics brain to house data regarding a seeming- “cute” nor overly “poppy,” yet “hits” that dance over sparse instrumentation ly newly emerging subgenre as we nonetheless, lack sufficient spectacular- BUZZCOCKS: self-titled: CD and simple, but-in-a-good-way, hooks. speak: I dunno what i call it yet, but The ness-above-and-beyond-the-call-of-duty I’m confused. For twenty-five years, Tiny moments of strength and confi- Cinch (from Vancouver?), the Rotten to float the more rank-and-file (note: not thousands of punk kids have tried to dence are tackled by feelings of confu- Apples (from Seattle), and the Lovelies the band) numbers in their wake (by con- sing like the Buzzcocks’ Pete Shelley, sion and heartbreak. This is Chan (from Milwaukee) are in it, and inclusion trast, Elastica’s big smasheroo [to me], and now Pete Shelley sings like Carol Marshall; full of struggle, dazzling puri- seems to mandate an almost-continually “Stutter,” was so overwhelmingly genius fucking Channing. It makes no sense. ty and seething bitterness. And for all of midtempo pace, slightly breathy female that the rest of their material more or less Listening to this new Buzzcocks album the mixed emotions her music stirs lead and backing vocals, disillusionment had to do nothing but mop up after it), is akin to being in a public toilet stall inside, it at least does that – it feels. It with failed relationships as the only although most of the material herein is and realizing that the guy in the stall feels all inner conflict that we experi- allowable lyrical subject matter, and admirably well done and crafted. That next to you is both shitting and talking ence, but are too afraid to confront. On musical genetic coding apparently said, in case you’re wondering how they on his cell phone – in both cases, it’s not “Good Woman,” her voice trembles, “I evolved from both ‘90s 120 Minutes era made out on the Modern Lovers cover, it exactly the end of civilization as we don’t want to be a bad woman, and I alt-rock bands and pert ‘80s girl groups doesn’t really put over the depth and tex- know it, but it’s definitely the sign of a can’t stand to see you be a bad man.” such as the Go-Go’s, without ever actu- ture of the original, but does achieve a culture on the decline. So I conducted Creating music, even in it’s most ally sounding like anything either slight- nice, thin, trebly, Saints-first-album char- an experiment. I really did this. I made stripped-down form, she still has the ly truly Go-Go-esque or adamant about acter by song’s end. Further, the (female) my wife sit down in front of my stereo. power to make you ache. But You Are publicly attempting to push its ROCK- vocalist’s non-switching of the song’s I played the Buzzcocks’ amazing song, Free is more than just blue; it’s spilling ING-ness (in the most ROCK sense of gender is, apparently by some heretofore “Fast Cars.” Then, I said, “Out of the over with warm and fuzzy songs – prac- the term) as being crucial to the end undocumented law of physics, counter- next two songs I play, pick which one is tically stretching its arms around “Moon result. The Rock is insistent, yet the balanced by her juxtaposing the words the new Buzzcocks.” First, I played the Pix” and giving it a great, big hug. The songs are clearly not designed to blow up “shit” and “garbage” in the classic line first song off of this new Buzzcocks simplicity of “Free,” soft rocking of white mice in the Rock-O-Meter™. The “She / eat garbage / eat shit / get stoned.” album. My wife said, “That’s not the “Speak for Me,” and the “hey, hey, songs (the “hits,” anyway) have a bla- Rock & roll is a beautiful thing. BEST Buzzcocks, and make it stop.” Then, I heys!” of “He War,” conjure up the tantly well-crafted form to them, yet are SONG: “Once a Week” BEST SONG played “Live Alone” by the FM Knives. word, dare I say, pop. Not in a Blondie never cute or overly poppy (e.g., the TITLE: “French Maid,” mais naturelle- My wife said, “That’s gotta be the new kinda way. Think more fucked-up. Like “hit” here – “Once a Week” [money shot ment! FANTASTIC AMAZING TRIVIA Buzzcocks. It’s awesome.” We listened the devastating pop of The Velvet line: “I’ve been waiting for you for a FACT: The band’s website is given as to the rest of that FM Knives album. Just Underground. But I wouldn’t kick back while / I’ve been staring at those pretty “www.thecinchrocks.com.” Memo to to make sure it wasn’t a fluke, I tried and enjoy the sunshine just yet. Just tiles”] – utilizes both maracas and tam- bands who find that this test with Razorcake reviewer Toby when you think you are free, Chan bourine in the ongoing textural structure “www.bandname.com” is taken: Going Tober. The results were so similar it was Marshall has a way of creeping back to of the song, not as mere bells and whis- with “www.bandnamerocks.com” is scary. So the results are in: if you want haunt your head. –Kat Jetson (Matador) tles and/or ear candy); end result (for fucking GAY with a capital A. FANTAS- to hear a new Buzzcocks album, buy the entire subgenre) leaving me, Al Franken, TIC AMAZING TRIVIA FACT WAIT- ING TO HAPPEN: One of the guitar sexual act of receiving a blowjob while and Weezer adds up to suckin’ ass. Yes! Okay, enough of the celebrations. players is named Mark Epp. Might he sitting on the toilet taking a shit. Now, –Megan (Lookout) The Cramps forge on against Father possibly be related to the guy from Mr. I’m not just saying this because I’m Time’s vicious scythe with the greatest Epp & The Calculations??? (“Mohawk afraid my Mom might read this someday, CONSUMED: of ease and deliver one of the most enter- Man” was their big hit) –Rev. Nørb but I have, in truth, never experienced a Pistols at Dawn: CD taining new CDs to come blaring out like (Dirtnap) blumpkin. So I’m sticking my neck out Hey, they jumped ship! Once Fat Wreck a drunken drag queen karaoke contest. here a bit, comparing the Coffin Cheaters staples, they come down the coast to It’s hard to imagine that The Cramps CLUSTERFUX: to a blumpkin. But I think it’s a safe gam- LA’s BYO. It’s kind of the same network have been around over twenty years; giv- Thrash Mongrel: CD ble. In fact, I probably wouldn’t be too anyway. It’s their third release after the ing a listen to this album would contest Clusterfux have dual female/male vocals much off the mark to spice it up even debut album Breakfast at Pappa’s and any naysayer, who obviously do not screamed to the extreme over metallic more by saying it’s like GG Allin getting the sophomore release, Hit for Six. know the legend of this prolific band. crust. The guitars are a little thin in the a blumpkin from El Duce. The fact that Consistency has been the key for this The CD starts off with the commanding production but that doesn’t take away the those two guys are now rotting corpses band. This release shows that they have stomp of “Big Black Witchcraft Rock,” power there are trying to achieve, which has nothing to do with the simile – the continued to grow. The songs are catchy which hollers the intro by lead vocalist is heavy on the riffing to power through Coffin Cheaters’ music is anything but yet strong. The production has always extraordinaire, Liberace reincarnate, Lux each song. The bass has the right amount dead (or homosexual, come to think of been used to their advantage. Not com- Interior, who growls a frightening sexy, of distortion to accent and fill what defi- it...) This is macho, meaty, bruising ing off bubble gum, they tear forward “Satan baby, Satan!” This CD packs in ciencies the guitars lack. The guitar solos porno-thug punk complete with missing using a palatable aggression that won’t more of the campy sinister B- Movie might discourage some punk purists, but teeth, b.o., and a loutish insensitivity to turn off many. The musicianship is not infused Cramps ideology, which con- metal heads will see it as an added bonus. anything even remotely politically cor- overboard, but interesting enough to fronts your little puny, pseudo-intellectu- Reminds me of the crossover period of rect. This is the kind of music that has keep their identity. They’ve got a good al, Celine and Camus reading minds with the mid-to-late ‘80s. –Donofthedead patches of bristly body hair in spots that mix of loud guitars, strong vocals and such familiar Cramps themes like (Rodent Popsicle) have no business being hairy. Porno solid rhythm section as a backbone to African witchcraft, and Satan. It’s all Serial Killers, unlike their previous 7” mix melody with rocking riffs. I was generously slathered with their inven- COCKNEY REJECTS: offerings, captures the full metallic wal- kind of wondering where these guys tion, psychobilly, switchblade wit and Out of the Gutter: CD lop of their live sound, which is some- have been. A definite highlight in what’s tough girl and boy sashaying into their Some bands should just be content to sit thing like a cross between Nine Pound coming out in the UK. –Donofthedead oblivion of fast cars, alcohol and can- and collect the royalties from their early Hammer and the Meatmen. Be fore- (BYO) nibus smoking doom. Of course, you recordings and never revisit music again. warned: this disc is oozing with an indel- hear more Link Wray, Sun Records This is one such band. If I wanted to lis- icate sense of humor that’s bound to CRAMPS: THE: country, real black rhythm and blues, ten to bad metal, I’d shell out some leave prissy tight-asses seething. Fiends of Dope Island: CD Elvis, exotica and all the cool influences dough for the last Metallica album. As a Fundamentalist punks who find things This is the first CD from the Vengeance that made The Cramps what they are fan of their earliest work, I’m horrified. like the Exploited off-putting will choke Label, fronted by the only two people today – pure fucking legends. So, you –Jimmy Alvarado (Captain Oi) on their lattes when Porno Serial Killers who should be in charge of The Cramps wanna know who the new bass player is? enters a room. The Coffin Cheaters play – Lux and Ivy. After disastrous stints It’s Chopper Franklin, from local LA act COFFIN CHEATERS, THE: scum-humping blumpkin rock deserving with IRS and Epitaph and various other Mr. Badwrench, who got the coveted Porno Serial Killers: CD of all the white trashy, pit-stained perks shady record companies that wouldn’t position and supplying the big beats is One of the things successful writers that go along with inclusion in the know what to do with good music even if Mr. Big Daddy NASCAR himself, Harry always say is that you never want to Confederacy of Scum. Antiseen take they had it shoved up their assholes, The Drumdini. Miss Poison Ivy twangs like write about something you don’t truly note. –Aphid Peewit (Sell Your Soul) Cramps became the boss of The Cramps. Duane Eddy’s demonic sister and makes know about. But I’m going to break that This is good news for all you record col- black leather look even hotter than ever rule right here and state that I think the COMMUNIQUÉ: A Crescent lectors out there because this means you possible on a woman’s body! Whatcha Coffin Cheaters’ music is the aural Honeymoon: CD will be guaranteed better packaging, bet- waitin’ for? Go get this album and make equivalent of a blumpkin. The word Egads, this is awful! Synth and attempt- ter attention to detail, and most impor- out with a bunch of sluts. Okay, don’t get “blumpkin” is a slang term for the scato- ing to be somewhere between Supergrass tantly full creative control by the artist! this album and go fuck yourself on a pin- hole on the wall where your little dick DAMNATION: Boys: Don’t let the thuggish name fool of the split a lot. To be honest, though, I will fit. –Miss Namella Kim (No The Unholy Sounds of: CD you, these guys have undeniable power, keep turning the CD off when The address supplied) Driving music that skirts a fine line like the GC5. They artfully tease the Popsters come on. Not that The Popsters between punk’n’roll and modern OC fine lines between oi, pride, and old are bad. I usually get two or three songs CRASH AND BURN: hardcore. The lyrics ain’t spectacular, fashioned kick-ass songwriting and turn into their half of this split before I think Sick Again: CD but at least the proceedings are rockin’. Tom Petty’s “American Girl” into a to myself, why am I listening to generic I wanted to like this. I thought it would –Jimmy Alvarado (RAFR) rough anthem, which is the power to all pop punk? Then, I get up and start look- be easy – so many people I know love their songs. What’s sobering, after being ing for a new album to play. –Sean them. I just can’t get into it. It’s that ‘70s DEAD END KIDS: a big fan of their LP American Bastard, Carswell (Stardumb) influenced rock with a bit more power, Demo #1: CD is that two of their members are dead. but it just comes off as frat bar rock to I weep openly in joy for your genera- Weird. Great split. –Todd DIRTY POWER: self-titled: CD me. People keep saying they hear Black tion: You now have a Mad Society to (Haunted Town) Metal. Don’t give me any more records Flag. I hear Bon Jovi, sorry. –Megan call your very own. BEST SONG like this to review. BEST SONG: I liked (Crash and Burn) TITLE: “Captain Pickle (slow).” BEST DEFACTO OPPRESSION: one of the guitar solos. I forget which SONG: Three-way tie between “Captain Screen Symphony Suicide: CD song it’s in. BEST SONG TITLE: CRITICS, THE: self-titled: 7” Pickle (slow),” “Captain Pickle (fast)” This is a band that is hard to pigeon hole “Lady Danzig” does have a certain Gary Holy moly. From the cover, I wasn’t and “Captain Pickle (live).” FANTAS- but seems to play with the thrash set. Puckett & The Union Gap-esque charm expecting much. It’s a pink and black TIC AMAZING TRIVIA FACT: By all The songs are brutal with blast beats, to it, but “Symptom of the Unitard” is bitmap of four band members without contextual indications, one of the mem- thrash, metal and some progressive stuff funnier. FANTASTIC AMAZING faces. Ho hum. But, as soon as it got bers of this band appears to be the off- in between. The vocals are expressed TRIVIA FACT: If producing records played, who went ahead and turned spring of ex-DKs/TSOL manager Mike with an emotional wail of anger and which have no intrinsic value whatsoev- Leatherface into a straight-ahead pop Vraney, whom i met once at a Dead rage and they accomplish the hard task er other than the fact they are quite loud band from Australia with tons of power? Kennedys show about twenty years ago, of making each song sound unique from is a sport, Jack Endino is Cal Ripken, Jr. I wasn’t so up on their CDEP, but these and only remember as being quite tall one another. I didn’t know that Somebody retire this guy’s jersey, three songs are complexly layered as and wearing a really cheesy leisure suit. Wisconsin was such a breeding ground QUICK! –Rev. Nørb (Dead Teenager) some sort of a fancy Greek desert and as –Rev. Nørb (Dead End Kids) for over-the-top music. Live, they must unpredictable as fireworks with ques- be incredible! –Donofthedead DISORDER: tionable fuses. Maybe it’s my ass talk- DEADLINE / BRASSKNUCK- (Hungry Ghosts) We’re Still Here: CD ing, but I also hear some of the undeni- LE BOYS: Split: CDEP Who would have thunk it? I’m holding able songwriting and prowess of The Two bands, three songs each. England’s DIRT BIKE ANNIE / a new Disorder CD in 2003. Not since Replacements: wall of warm shimming Deadline: I’m a sucker for female-front- THE POPSTERS: The Ellis the 1984 Under the Scalple Blade LP guitars, stinging belt choruses, rising ed punk bands with a vocalist who can Island Rendezvous: split CD have I heard a thing by this band. I knew welt bass lines, and strong-piped vocals go from a Faye Fife of the Rezillos to an I’m a sucker for Dirt Bike Annie. Their they had other releases after that LP, but that are a notch below yelling. It all Eve Libertine of Crass to Penetration songs are so poppy and infectious and I never acquired them. The only remain- sounds so loud but clear and confident from song to song without missing a fun that, even when they sing about ing member from the 1984 LP is Taf, the as fuck. I was wholly surprised by how step. Liz’s vocals are so clear and pow- being afraid of dying, it puts me in a bassist, who now sings, too. They are good this was. Well worth seeking out. erful that they make Brodie from The good mood. DBA have eight new songs now a three piece being rounded out by –Todd (Rabbit / Out of the Loop) Distillers seem like she’s still in grade on this split (at least I think the songs Yaga on guitar and Adey Anarchy on school singing about fuzzy slippers. It are new. I haven’t seen them on any drums. I think they used to fly under the CURSED: One: CD doesn’t hurt that the entire band doesn’t other release, with the exception of the banner of “Noise not Music” when they You’ve got yourself some pretty heavy, rely on a great voice but plays along like live versions of “Next Time” and first started out like Chaos UK – straight pretty dark hardcore here. It can get a bit they’re lit on classic pub rock while “Children Shouldn’t Play with Dead forward UK punk that was purposely epic (one song is about six minutes), but sounding like it’s still on fire. I’m sur- Things,” which are on Sweatin’ to the ugly to the ears. The formula hasn’t they can actually pull it off pretty well. prised how good they are. Brassknuckle Oldies), and they’re every bit as cool as strayed too far. The monotone buzzing It’s decent. –Megan (Deathwish) I’d hope. I’ve been listening to their half sound is there. However, with the muta- tion of punk through the years, it’s not as dick-to-back-of-throat worship of unde- yeah punk gems (like “Rosa”). good. With Wake Up Screaming, extreme now as it was then. I guess I niably great bands that came before. It’s Kerplow! Fleshies! Only it’s better. they’ve lost their bass player/other have become desensitized. But familiari- also strange that bands I really like seem What works so well in their favor is that female vocalist from earlier records, ty is a good tool for easy acceptance. The to go through small metamorphoses in their albums and EPs (get the futbol which is a shame. I like the way she songs are sloppy like a good drunken my ears. On the twentieth spin, I’ll start one) neither ever get too stupid-trippy sings. Still, this album rips through fif- night. The speed varies to keep you on hearing something completely different nor wank-a-thonic. Although I do sug- teen songs with enough power and pogo your toes. If you enjoy a good dose of than what I heard on the first. The proof gest this record, I do have complaints. to keep me smiling. –Sean Carswell “two fingers in the air” UK punk rock, is in the infection. I keep reaching for Are the lyrics written on fuckin’ micro- (Hellcat) you will not be disappointed. Recorded this 7”. At times, it reminds me of a fiche for the CD? C’mon, Alternative in Japan, you would think the production supercharged Stitches with a smokier Tentacles, give ‘em a couple more pages GEE STRINGS, THE: might be over the top, but the recording vocalist. Other times, when they cover so I don’t have to be reading, what, two Bad Reputation: 7” studio sounds like it did some research Eater’s “Room for One,” they play it so point font. Secondly, whomever put the I’ve often sat and pontificated: What and recorded the band as they should forcefully that it comes across like they athletic sock over Johnny’s microphone would have happened if Penelope sound. –Donofthedead (HG Fact) ripped the song’s clothing completely for this recording should stop doing that Houston of the Avengers didn’t become off. Other influences that seep in sound in the future. He sounds muted. a big, German adult contemporary pixie DOA: Win the Battle: CD like they’d be at odds with one another, Complaints aside, as it stands, Fleshies after her divorce from punk rock, and Hoo, doggy, where does one begin with but aren’t: The tunefulness of the Saints, are a delicious cross of Melt Banana and instead secretly was in a German band this? Yes, this is the same DOA that’s the inspired recklessness of Scared of Motley Crue. See? It sorta works. Sorta. that fucking ripped it in relative obscuri- been slugging it out in some shape or Chaka, and ’77 UK punk by way of early Go see ‘em live with glasses firmly ty? Weirder things have happened. If we another since the ‘70s and no, this is by Texas hardcore. It’s much better than strapped. –Todd didn’t have stuff like history, facts, and no means their finest hour. Most of the good. Trust me on this one. –Todd (Alternative Tentacles) figures, you can just lay back and imag- songs sound forced and short on inspira- (Super Secret) ine The Gee Strings picking up where tion – which is amazing considering the FM KNIVES: the Avengers dissolved. I can bask in myriad of shit going on in the world EVIL BEAVER: Lick It: CD Useless and Modern: LP that quite nicely. The b-side, “Dullish,” these last couple years from which to Would’ve been great a decade ago on a This album isn’t exactly new, but here’s is the gem. No flabby skin, no reek of draw at least an idea or two for a song – bill with 7 Year Bitch and them other my two cents on it anyway: What Amdi cashing in, just perfect punk. The cover although the level of enthusiasm of those proto-riot grrrl bands, although the Petersen’s Arme is to hardcore punk, the of the tune that Joan Jett made famous, performing is strangely high. They cover sludgy quality of their songs might be FM Knives are to ‘77 punk. Unlike a “Bad Reputation,” ain’t too shabby, themselves (a ill-conceived blues rendi- more bummer inducing than inspiring. band like the Briefs who sound like a either. –Todd (Stereodrive! c/o Green tion of “Fuck You”) and ZZ Top I’ve heard worse, but I ain’t exactly modern update to that sound, this band Hell) (eschewing a more fitting cover of that doing cartwheels over this or anything. sounds like one of the bands that pio- band’s “Beer Drinkers and Hell Raisers” –Jimmy Alvarado (Johann’s Face) neered that sound. And they’re good. GLOBAL THREAT, A: for a stab at “La Grange”) this time Real good. Also, on a purely historical Earache/Pass the Time: CDEP around, neither really adding much to EXPLODING HEARTS, THE: note that will interest everyone, this A quick one this time around from one their legacy. Of thirteen songs, the one Guitar Romantic: CD album was recorded on my seventeenth of the new American bands that play the that comes closest to sounding like a I love this. Throw Thee Headcoats, early birthday. –Josh (Broken Rekids) early UK punk style. Like the Casualties quality DOA tune is “Return to Elvis Costello, Teenage Head, and the and the Virus, this band, I feel, is the Lumberjack City,” which is shows flash- Dead Boys in a blender, this is what you F-MINUS: best of the genre today. The songs strike es of the swagger and self-assurance that get. More pop than edge, but you get a Wake Up Screaming: CD you with the jagged edge of a blunt makes their best work so damn listen- snarl here and there. So damn catchy F-Minus play fast, aggressive hardcore knife. While many bands that currently able. Still, one song does not a great you’re bound to annoy everyone by with just enough hooks to keep it from play this style of music sound like bad record make and, while I have nothing gushing over them (at least I do.) being a wall of noise. They alternate reproductions of bands past, A Global but love for Joey Shithead and Randy –Megan (Dirtnap) male and female vocals and it works Threat keep it fresh and powerful. Rampage, maybe it’s time to send the old especially well because neither of them –Donofthedead (Rodent Popsicle) warhorse back to the showers for a spell, EYES OF AUTUMN: Hello: CD can sing, but both of them sound really at least until a vein of steady inspiration As difficult as it may be to believe, and I can be tapped, ’cause this stuff ain’t realize that this allegation will sound doing nothing but tarnishing the good utterly preposterous, this is emo and, name and reputation of one of the best much to my surprise, these dissonant, bands in the history of punk rock. unfocused, fuzzed-out songs featuring –Jimmy Alvarado (Sudden Death) quavering, tremulous vocal stylings (which aren’t quite ululation) have made DREXEL, OHIO: self-titled: CD my life immeasurably worse for having The little sticker on the front of this disc heard them. Fuck this. I’m going back to refers to Drexel, Ohio as “one of listening to The Blood Brothers. America’s most unique acts.” I don’t –Puckett (54 40 Or Fight) know about that. It is a quirky package that defies easy categorization. FATAL FLYING GUILLO- Soundwise, it’s like what you might hear TEENS: Get Knifed: CD at any smoky lounge at some Holiday I’ve heard a lot of good things about Inn somewhere in rural America: cheesy these guys. They’re frenetic, loud, fast keyboards and schmaltzy vocals with and really good. It took a little while for lyrics that you either think are “funny” or this to grow on me, but the more I listen, “really stupid.” But I don’t know if it’s the more I like it. –Megan (Estrus) really all that unique. I know several people who do the cheeseball lounge FILTHY VAGRANTS: lizard shtick – like Minneapolis’ own Watching Them Burn: CD Mike Suade – and do a funnier send-up Barely competent Rancid punk. Nice pic of it. I think the best these guys can hope of a guy giving the finger to the White for is a spot on an upcoming Dr. House. Dude, punk rock. –Jimmy Demento collection of “wacky” songs. Alvarado (Ninety-Six) Humor, of course, is a very subjective thing, so I’m sure that there are people FLESHIES: The Sicilian: CD out there who’d think this is a real kick in Me gusta. About ten seconds after the pants. I’m just not one of them. Johnny Polymoniker knocked my glass- –Aphid Peewit (Donger) es clean off my face (but right into my hands, thanks) with his swinging micro- EDISON ROCKET TRAIN: phone, Dan Monick said, “These guys Yes! Yes!! Yes!!!: CD are like the Cows and Iron Maiden.” Dan Think Wesley Willis done by people with Monick takes a lot of pictures for this no creative ability. –Megan (Steel Cage) magazine. He’s insightful. I try to keep my glasses on my face. Then that got me ENDS, THE: Teenage Detox: 7” to thinking. Perhaps, for future reviews Newer bands that I really start to dig of Fleshies, I could just mix a great remind me simultaneously of so many AmRep’y noise band with a heavy metal different bands. It’s almost like looking band that had at least five good songs through fifty slides in the projector at and that’d be the review. Slug and Judas once. The Ends are that type of band, Priest. Kinda works. Take weirdness, except the final effect is something clear, give it focus, heaviness, and catchiness. fun, and realized, not a muddied mess or Mix in one or two no-interference, fuck- GLOBAL THREAT, A: What punk rock. Ultimately – and the final go, I wouldn’t put Patmos or Bust up XTC to add some flavor. It reminds me the Fuck Will Change?: CDEP testament – is that The Grabass there with psycho scorchers like of some of the music I was listening to A street punk band having this as their Charlestons are a band that others will Headshots or Makes Your Cock Big, but during the late ‘80s to early ‘90s. I can’t album title when the CD cover and half start being compared to. A top of 2003 it’s a worthy addition to the Sores’ take the pop out of this punk. The the inset is filled with pictures showing for me, no doubt. –Todd (No Idea) library of hebephrenic punk. –Aphid melodies are dead on, the guitars drive off their many fashionable belts and Peewit (Wrench) things forward, and the musicianship is mohawks makes me think of the old GRAVY TRAIN!!!!: spectacular. Definitely a release that Corrosion of Conformity song off Eye Hello Doctor: CD HERESIA/ GRITOS DE will return to the CD player for a listen. for an Eye – “Rebellion’s not the clothes “You’re missing out on hot-ass humps ALERTA: Split: 7” I like it when a discography catches me you wear or the way you spike your cuz I spread legs like anthrax, and I don’t know if most people are ready up to something that I might have hair… nothing’s gonna change because Kenny G-type blowjobs cuz I play a for something like this. You get in a rut missed. –Donofthedead (Crackle) you’re music’s fast, nothing’s gonna mean skin sax.” Now if this, dear read- and you don’t buy new music for a change while you’re sitting on your er, is your idea of a “hugetime,” than while. A comfort zone has incased you HUNCHES, THE: ass.” What is in A Global Threat’s favor Oakland, California’s Gravy Train!!!! and you are not ready to burst out of Yes. No. Shut It: CD is that it is hard to sit on your ass while (with four exclamation points, please) is your familiar bubble. I go there some- Okay, by the time you read this they will listening to this CD. Surely, it might be your ultimate raunch-attack party band. times. Some CDs haven’t left the CD be well on their way to the success nice if they seemed a bit less concerned They are four ex-Catholics (ah!, that changer in my car for over a year. But cruise ship commandeered by Jack and with what they look like (not so much explains it) living out your nastiest sex- the great thing about hearing new music Meg White, the fluffy haired members that they are that overly dressed so ual fantasies via a couple of thrift store is the spontaneity of feeling your blood of The Strokes and those Goonies much as they have SO many posed band Casio synths, a sixty dollar drum rush. You lose track of time and space. rejects – The Vines. There’s nothing photos.) This is loud, fast and angry, but machine, and a whole lotta sing-along, Feel like someone is going ape shit for wrong with making it, as long as it’s musically adept and fairly diverse from naughty-words raps, that’ll leave you you when you can’t yourself. I popped done on your own terms and you don’t song to song. Not diverse the way Alice hot, bothered and wet for more. There’s this on the turntable and was totally forget where you come from. If you’re Donut would have a fast punk song next a B-52’s call and response element here, floored by what was coming out of my reading this and wondering if I am talk- to a folk sounding song, but diverse in but Hunx (the dude) is far more flaming speakers. If you don’t like fast punk, go ing about you – then chances are – yes, that songs don’t all sound alike – most than Fred Schneider could ever hope to away! Here are the facts of this release I am talking about you. The LA of them have fast circle pit parts and oi- be, and the fly girls – Drunx, Funx and that I received from the guy who Shakedown was a disappointment for infused sing along parts, but with that Chunx, well… they ain’t no beehive- released this. This was originally the most part; The Hunches and The framework, they go all over the place. wearing, sweet-voiced betties. And released in Brazil. The singer of Gritos Mystery Girls made it painfully clear Lyrically, well, I didn’t learn any new that’s fine by them. Gravy Train!!!! De Alerta runs the label Terrotten that when they packed out the rival Juvee political information from this CD, but seem to revel in their perviness as wit- initially half released this with the label venue while The Garage pandered to a the words are far more than filler so the nessed by the two-minute blasts Usina de Sangue. I was told a member minute Shakedown “crowd.” Pouty lead vocalist has something to do between pumpin’ and grindin’ out your woofers of Heresia also plays in the band Sick singer Hart sounds like Jon Spencer on “fuck the systems.” This would proba- and tweeters. “Don’t blame me for Terror. This US pressing is limited to crack, which is a good thing cause Jon bly have been my favorite CD if it came being sick for dick, sometimes it’s titties 500 and on grey splattered vinyl. Spencer needs to be on crack. Fuck, out when I was an angst-ridden teen, that I wanna lick,” pouts Hunx on Heresia: Serious D-beat meets Sweden everyone needs a little crack now and and it can be used to wean “Double Decker Supreme,” a threesome damage here that is so fucking heavy, I then, since the world is just too damn totalchaos.com fans off the idea that song “‘bout blowin’ loads in a butt barely could breath from the weight. easy these days! The Hunches brought street punk has to be one dimensional. while loads are blown in mine.” Mom Sounds like the rumble you hear before the bigbeatfuzzdistortioncrazehop and –Rich Mackin (Punk Core) must be proud. Without reprinting all of an earthquake shakes your house and had the kids jumping around like a the lyrics here I doubt I could do their belongings. It’s a sound that, if done freshly caught fish gasping and pounc- GRABASS CHARLESTONS, brilliance justice, so to achieve maxi- right, can be so powerful even though it ing for water. The kids just went nutz. THE: The Greatest Story mum listening pleasure, I suggest read- has been replicated. Gritos De Alerta: We saw chicks being literally hurled at Ever Hula’d: CD ing along while giving this a spin. And Fast, blasting punk rock that ventures Hart and punk rock spikey haired folks Sweat-dripping, whisky-drowned, dirty if you’re tuning in for purely education- into crust territory. It’s got Energizer jumping onto Silverlake hipster chicks Florida punk at its finest. First off, the al purposes, lift the tray card for a “How bunny drumming with a guitar that in lowrise pants, I mean the world was split these guys did with Billy Reese to Pussy Thrusts” lesson. (Complete sounds like it’s hooked up to a boombox just coming down in that room. This Peters, pick it up. Ever since I reviewed with diagrams.) –Kat Jetson and not an amp. If you like the screamo record is a dirty little record that makes it, it’s just gotten better and it’s now (Kill Rock Stars) vocals, that’s what you get here. To sum you wanna wash your ears afterwards – firmly lodged as one of the top twenty it up, I preferred the Heresia side, but replete with sound bites of children, releases of 2002. I’ll be completely hon- GRAVY TRAIN!!!!: was not displeased with the Gritos De vacuum solos and enough fuzz to make est, on first listen to this I wasn’t Hello Doctor: CD Alerta side. –Donofthedead (Ponk-111) Guitar Wolf wonder, “what’s their hooked. The vocals are a tad slower and Cool minimalist synth-rap-new-wave secret?” It’s probably the uncompromis- the instruments aren’t as instantly daz- thingamabob, reminiscent of a less HOLLYWOOD HATE: Product ing Mike McHugh production. It’s prob- zling and frenetic. Also, this full-length intense, female-driven Le Shok. Too of Our Environment: CD ably safe to say he’s the only producer seems sadder, more morose. (Apparent bad the lyrics are so fucking pathetic. The word on the street was that these in Southern California worthy enough to evidence is the song title “Suicide at $8 –Jimmy Alvarado kids had it goin’ on and, wonder of won- work with raw genius like The Hunches. an Hour” and the supporting documen- (www.rapbitches.com) ders, they do, in fact, got it goin’ on with Get it now before your gay cousin starts tation is the lyrics sheet.) Then the net- more to spare. Totally rockin’ without getting into it. –Miss Namella Kim (In ting takes hold – little flashes, little GREEN ANGEL: having to resort to some formulaic the Red) hooks, little dips and wanes. Some Re-Igniting the Sun: CD Detroit cliché, tough enough to share a horns on one song. Then, around the fif- Imagine if Metallica were a bunch of stage with the hardest of the hardcore, IMMORTAL LEE COUNTY teenth time I popped this on, I didn’t zitfaced teenagers with a thing for the and tight-as-hell playin’, this is destined KILLERS II: Love Is a Charm hold it up to the expectation of their Misfits… wait. Oh yeah. Well imagine to make more than a few top ten lists of Powerful Trouble: LP split, but held it up to itself. Now, I hate Green Angel are a bunch of zitty come next January. Next time someone Oh my God! I was reading the new to use words like “songwriting maturi- teenagers with a thing for (early) whines that punk rock ain’t as good as it Rolling Stone and they said that this ty,” because that’s usually for dildos, but Metallica and the Misfits, and no desire was “back in the day,” plop this puppy band was hot, right up there with Snoop these songs are denser, richer, and a to break new ground (or take singing in the player and watch their jaw drop. Dogg! Dude, that magazine is so hip. I slightly bit more of an acquired taste. lessons). –Cuss Baxter –Jimmy Alvarado (TKO) mean, do you remember the Britney They look at wreckage (their own ashes) (Suburban Justice) interview? Well, she’s rock. And you more than bombast (like going after HOOTON 3 CAR: know Rolling Stone rocks ‘cause it’s their boss man). So, let’s compare. Like GREEN ROAD SHOTGUN: 1994-1998 Recordings: 2xCD like that band the Rolling Stones. They Tiltwheel, the tones are bright and Bang: CD Man! Where was I when this band was got their name from there, right? Yeah, happy, but the sentiment is dark, ultra- Uninspired geek rock that never gets to around? This release has forty-six like the Immortal Lee County Killers articulate and sad. (“We’ll be making a the rock part. –Megan (8 ohm) songs! They were only together for four are part of the new guitar and drums better resource sleeping six feet under- years? I think I had a split of theirs a few “back-to-basics” garage stuff, you ground” and “I had the weirdest dream/ HENRY FIAT’S OPEN SORE: years ago. I don’t know what I did with know? Like, if you like the Strokes and Where I went a whole day with a spear Patmos or Bust: 7” it. This compiles a 12”, three albums, the White Stripes then you’re gonna’ in my chest/ I kept waiting to die.”) Like I think I had given up on ever finding a four 7”’s and tracks off of three splits. like… Enough of that. The Immortal Leatherface, the guitars weave in tight, band that had everything I ever wanted Whew. That’s a lot of work for that short Lee County Killers II, are not one of the then splay apart and shimmer. It’s like in a punk band all rolled up together in period of time. I guess they never made new “back-to-basics, drums and guitar” you’re immersed in their songs, filled one nice, messy, demented little pack- to the states but had a following in Japan bands. What they’ve got going on is old. with metaphoric life preservers and har- age. And then I stumbled on Sweden’s as well as locally in the UK. Well, let’s It’s been around since before we were poons. Like Dillinger Four, no instru- Henry Fiat’s Open Sore. Fast, ridicu- start like I have never heard this band all born and will be around long after we ment takes the easy way out. Pure lous, sloppy, sick, and funny as all fuck; before. Actually that’s part true since I are gone. It’s power over yourself. It’s propulsion and fireworks. Like the kind of like a Blood, Guts, and Pussy- didn’t remember what they sounded freedom to live. It’s creeping. It’s low Beltones, Will is drumming, but he’s era Dwarves if the Dwarves took all the like. To me, the band sound is reminis- down. It’s up there in the heavens wait- also singing, and it’s catchy hard-drink- drugs they’ve ever ingested, but all in cent to the early Goo Goo Dolls when ing. Or it could be just around the cor- ing, working class without-the-cliché one night – and then they wrapped their they were punk and the Replacements ner. The Cheetah and heads up in diapers. As HFOS 7 inchers mixed with some Squeeze and a little The Token One have 87 been shaking sweaty souls in the South a guitar and do the same. Let’s ignore the for years. “If you don’t know, you better fact that the bulk of their first four releas- ask somebody.” These boys are doing it es quite possibly served as the sound- as right as it can be done. And that’s with track for damn near every grind, ollie, respect for the roots from Willie Dixon, boneless, acid drop, front-side air and to the unknown authored songs of hard face plant attempted in a backyard pool times past, and all the way up to the pre- or half-pipe in 1980s America. What sent-day R. L. Burnside. They’re bring- makes them so special? Simple. They ing a message for the times to the poets, fucking rocked and, twenty years down to the people, to the philosophers, to our the line, even the most dated track on history, America the Troubled. It’s all here STILL fucking rocks. Sure, we can hell and bad weather these days. Hold on gripe about the fact that the Mad Gardens people and pull it together. A lot of uncer- EP and their self-titled LP aren’t on here, tainty lies up ahead. It’s times like this the latter of which included arguably where we’d be wise to check with our their shining moment, “The Day Walt history, to call up the voices which have Disney Died,” but that would be like been lying stacked on the shelves. It’s your mom making a great meal with all time to look on back and find the strength your favorite foods and you whining and wisdom for today. It’s in our hearts. ’cause she forgot the mashed potatoes It’s in our souls. –BD Williams (Estrus) and the corn. If Alternative Tentacles has any kind of heart, they’ll rectify the situ- INFLUENTS, THE: ation by following this up with a disc Some of the Young: CD compiling those releases in short order Think of Green Day meets Squeeze, but (and while we’re at it, what are the odds even more poppy. If you can imagine of a retrospective CD of Tucson’s that. –Donofthedead (Adeline) Conflict? Just thought I’d ask), so shut up and enjoy what’s already on your INVISIBLES, THE: plate. Let us all rejoice, for a huge chunk Walking Away from Things of JFA’s best, most important material is We Are Not: CD back in circulation and readily available, Well, get ready to walk away from being and, like the reissue of Oscar Zeta a good band, then. Super generic music, Acosta’s book, Revolt of the Cockroach super affected vocals (the cockney ‘A’s) I People, let’s just hope it stays that way. wish they’d disappear. –Megan –Jimmy Alvarado (Alternative Tentacles) ([email protected]) JUMBO’S KILLCRANE: JAMES MASON: Carnaval de Carne: CD Carnival Sky: CD Noisy metal. Not bad, but not particular- Tries to do the breathy Elliot Smith thing, ly interesting, either. It is noisy, though, but in a way that makes Elliot look tough. and I guess that can be construed as a –Megan (Sonoface) good thing. –Jimmy Alvarado (Crucial Blast) JANET BEAN & THE CONCERTINA WIRE: KISSING CHAOS: Dragging Wonder Lake: CD Enter with a Bullet: CDEP Session musician ‘70s-style easy listen- Well-behaved Foo Fighter type rock that ing which is rarely good, interesting, blows open into these screamy, angry groovy, charming, fun, challenging, fast, Vision of Disorder parts. So are you try- or worth a dollar. –Cuss Baxter ing to attract the coquettish sorority girls (Thrill Jockey) or scare them away? (Hint: sorority girls need to have the rabbit turds scared out JFA: We Know You Suck: CD of them from time to time. It’s good for Like the best works of art and literature, them....) Go away until you make up from Milton to Dante to Bosch to your minds. –Aphid Pewit Grunewald, the records of some bands (Fueled By Ramen) just deserve to be perpetually available so future generations can readily get their KNOCKOUT: Searching for hands on them and glean some influence Solid Ground: CD when the need arises. Case in point this This pop-punk release from Fearless, a disc here, which contains some of the label which is apparently trying to lay most influential and exemplary music claim to being the ancestral home of ever produced by a hardcore punk band. nearly all music that sucks, made me Collected for your listening pleasure are consider playing Russian Roulette with a the tracks from the Blatant Localism EP, Glock 21. I want to hunt this band down the Valley of the Yakes 12”, damn near and demand an explanation from each every track that appeared on a compila- and every one of these tattooed, pierced, tion (conspicuously absent are the ver- plugged, spiky-haired pop-punk fuck- sions of “Guess What” and “Middle heads. And as I brandish the crowbar at America” from the Sudden Death and We them, I will demand that they simply Got Power comps, respectively), and an answer this – do they really think that unreleased gem here and there. What mainstream Hot Topic punk doesn’t suck makes them so damn special, you ask? enough already and that they single- Well, let’s not touch upon the fact that handedly need to provide us with conclu- they almost single-handedly dragged the sive proof of how much worse it can get? whole skatepunk out of the dark corners Hate isn’t a strong enough word to of the scene and into the limelight. Let’s describe my complete and utter revulsion put aside that they managed to come up and antipathy for this album. –Puckett with a sound wholly original and singu- (Fearless) lar in a subgenre that was, at the time, up to its eyeballs in stagnant, hypocritical KOWALSKIS, THE/ dogma and monkey-see-monkey-doism, THE LULUBELLES: split 7” by melding high-speed hardcore (then This is a split of two mid-tempo, female- referred to as “thrash,” which, like “hard- fronted rock’n’roll bands. The core,” apparently means crappy speed Kowalskis: strange thing about The metal these days) and unintelligible Kowalskis is that they can sing a song lyrics with surf-rock, infusing the whole called “Depression Overdrive” and make thing with a sense of humor and fuck-it- it sound fun. That’s a good thing. They all attitude and making it sound like not round off their side of the split with a only the most normal combination on cool anthem that could’ve been written earth, but that any asshole could pick up by most of the women I’ve dated in the past: “I Love You Baby But I Hate Your MACHINE GUN PETE your country to break damn near every run. Those two potential caveats aside, Friends.” The Lulubelles: these ladies ANDDTHE AMMUNITION: international law available and wave his holy fucking shit, this is an awesome pick up the pace a bit and rip out of the The Rawness of Truth: 7” middle finger at the rest of the world by CD. Not only is it a great, clear, very speakers like a Dutch version of These guys make Billy Childish’s output engaging in the business of “regime alive document of one of the finest punk Fabulous Disaster. They have good har- sound like a 48-track studio, but the change.” This is really good stuff here bands ever to come out of the Midwest, monies and a lot of energy. This side of absolute crudeness works, somehow, and and fans of DS-13 and the like should it’s a perfect capsule of NR’s finest hours the record didn’t grab me at first, but it’s got me scratching my belly in slight take note. –Jimmy Alvarado distilled down to twenty-two songs. now it won’t let me go. –Sean Carswell wonder. Underneath the tin cans acting (www.geocities.com/tysonkangaroo) Being so, I’d actually suggest this as (Thunderbaby) as cymbals, the bass lines falling out, and both an introduction to someone who’s the spittle-strewn, cancer polyp scream- MONSTERS, THE: never heard their inventive, challenging, LANGHORNS: ing there are some undeniable hooks. I See Dead People: CD yet rock solid music and to someone who Mission Exotica: CD Kinda the aural equivalent a weaving Trashy ‘60s fuzz rock with an over-the- owns all of their previous output if Straight-outta-the-‘60s (by way of pre- drunk who was a golden gloves boxer top screamer leading the pack. Some of they’re looking for a perfect set. Fuckin’ sent-day Sweden) neo-loungesurf with decades before. It’s deviant trashcan rock the tracks are a little more formulaic cool. When’s the last time you listened to Middle Eastern and Latin influences by people you’d probably never invite than’s good for ’em, as you can pretty twenty-two songs in a row and kept on that push it past the level of other popu- inside but enjoy on the street corner for much guess which tunes they’re based saying, “No, that’s my favorite”? –Todd lar astroplanet surftwangers, so far past at least four songs. Forget garage rock, upon, but in all, this is some pretty good (Haunted Town) that you can’t even go there without a here’s curb rock in league with the Crypt stuff. –Jimmy Alvarado highball in one hand. If Langhorns were Kickers and Hasil Adkins. –Todd (Voodoo Rhythm) NIKKI CORVETTE: Love Me a cereal, it’d be inedible because they (Dylaramma) b/w What’s On My Mind: 7” don’t make shit like this anymore. MOONEY SUZUKI, Remember Nikki Corvette? Super –Cuss Baxter (Bad Taste) MARVELS, THE: THE: Electric Sweat: CD poppy, cutesy stuff with a bit of edge in self-titled: CD Oh, thank god. Another crucial reissue of the late ‘70s to about ’81. Well, she’s got LANTERNJACK, THE: The Marvels are in my top five best live forgotten garage rock from way back in a single, the first thing released in over Look Alive: CD shows ever and I’ve seen them more than the garage rock heyday of nine months twenty years. Can she still pull it off after Kinda rock, kinda punk, kinda like fifty times, easily. Originally from ago. If you don’t know what this crap is all this time, you ask? Hell yeah she can! Soundgarden, kinda sure it’s gonna end Portland, ME, transplanted to Boston, all about, I will warn you. The lead Fans of the Pinkz, Exploding Hearts, and up in the shit pile. –Jimmy Alvarado these boys put on such an energetic, singer of the Mooney Suzuki looks like Manda and the Marbles will love it. (Lowdown) drunken cluster fuck that leaves you the lead singer of Steppenwolf. The –Megan (Rapid Pulse) drenched in beer, sweat, and insults and cover of this album looks like the cover LAST TARGET: only wanting more. The CD lets you of the first Grand Funk Railroad album, NINETEEN: What Caused the Problem? actually hear how fucking good it really and in fact, my dad actually thought it Tearing Me Apart!: CD b/w God’s Gamble: 7” is, but the energy just doesn’t come was a Grand Funk Railroad CD. “In a Wherein Nineteen chronicles their career Fuck yeah! Right when the needle hit through as much in the recording. Young Man’s Mind” is what “Kick Out thus far, from their early work as a the wax I knew this was going to be There’s a lot going on in the music that I the Jams” would sound like if it were thrashy pop unit (at the tender ages of fif- good. It’s a Japanese band featuring one never caught on to live. It all blends and played by soulless Grand Funk Railroad teen) through their evolution (at age sev- of the ladies from Thug Murder oscil- works off one another, rather than one fans who replaced the revolutionary enteen) into a highly competent and lating her vocals with a guy. It’s snarly, part played over the other to cover up a lyrics with dumb rockstar stuff about invigorating, slightly poppy thrash outfit. seamless, tooth-rattling punk rock with weakness, kind of like D4 that way. They Jimmy Page and girls. A couple of songs They could’ve issued just the latest six- both barrels a-blazin’ that’s less oi and just don’t have weak spots. Staffy’s sound like Neil Diamond minus the teen tracks and had a satisfying, if short, more straight-ahead punk than her pre- vocals are raspy and raw (think Black kitsch factor that makes Neil Diamond set of A-list hardcore, but there was vious outfit. If I have to make some Halos), which just make it even better. appealing to some people. Most of the space so they put their two other sessions comparisons, I’d go with she sounds Whodda thought a tubby-ass band could songs sound like (surprise!) Steppenwolf on there and I, for one, am glad of it. Top like a glass-gurgling Joan Jett in a band sound so good? –Megan and Grand Funk Railroad, complete with notch codfish. –Cuss Baxter as talented and scorching as The Urchin (www.themarvels.net) all the wanky arena rock clichés that (Dark Front) (lots of effortless time changes and bits appeal to the legions of Aerosmith and of flash) but more intentionally rough MATERIALISTICS: Bon Jovi pants-pissing fanboys. I would NO CHOICE: and burly. I have no idea what they’re Tomorrow is Fat and Old: CD have forgotten what this sounded like if Dry River Fishing: CD singing about, but at the end, it sounds Think the Dead Boys without the Detroit the “look how cool we are” attitude had- My affection for this album, such as it is, like “Death Star, Death Star, Death Star. influence. Not bad. –Jimmy Alvarado n’t irritated me so much. If you like lick- is colored by what I see as a lack of Grraarrh!” Can’t help but like this. (Super Secret) ing testicles and you listen to the Strokes, explicitly political punk as the United Recommended. –Todd (TKO) this is an essential part of your CD col- States marches to and engages in war. MEET THE VIRUS: lection that will be traded in when you Even so, this had to come out of the U.K. LOADS, THE: self-titled: CD read about the next fad in Spin. Garage It doesn’t tread new ground in terms of Beach Banshee: 7” I absolutely LOATHED Naked rock revival? If garage rock is what you beliefs, expression or form. It’s typical Have to give them credit. Most of the Aggression and, seeing as two of the are looking for, Tim Kerr has been in left-wing punk. It’s not even that it’s band members are still in high school people responsible for that monstrosity- about seventy-five bands and they are all good left-wing punk; it just seems to and are getting a head start in the right cum-band are involved in this one, suf- better than this. –Josh (Columbia) stand alone amongst songs about high direction when their schoolmates are fice it to say that this ain’t one iota better. school and girls that bad guys want and sucking whatever disposable nü-dong You would think that someone who stud- MUNICIPAL WASTE/ BAD other pop tripe to appear necessary, if music the radio’s currently playing. ied classical music might be able to come ACID TRIP: Split: 7-inch EP only for the moment. Musically, it falls They’ve got a lot of the trappings of up with at least one good song, but that Municipal: Hyper-speed hardcore band somewhere between Four Letter Word prototypical OC punk – Crowd-style doesn’t seem to be the case. Particularly pays tribute to Kurt Russell. Fast and and Fore-era Pegboy with hints of bright guitar, Tim McVeigh of frightening was the hidden track, an tight musically, but was kinda put off that Leatherface, Fuel and Propagandhi Smogtown on drums, early Social abysmal cover of Judas Priest’s they didn’t pay homage to the man’s thrown in for good measure. And for Distortion scratchiness, and a love of “Breakin’ the Law.” –Jimmy Alvarado career with Disney, which included star- shits and giggles, the breakdown in the the beach. It’s also mixed in with a (Know) ring roles in such unforgettable films as middle of “Wonderland” sounds like it more straight-up love of rock (mostly The Absent Minded Professor, Follow might as well be a cover of Jane’s with the mid tempos). All that said, it’s MIDNIGHT EVILS, THE: Me Boys and The Computer Wore Tennis Addiction’s “Ted, Just Admit It …” okay. My jaw’s not dropping and I’m Straight ‘Til Morning: CD Shoes. Bad Acid: Although the grind which just puts the final stake in this not rushing out the door to see them, but Ah yes, good ol’ straight-up, nut-crunch- influence is still in full effect, it actually whole record. There’s not much here, I’d stick around and see them play and, ing rawknroll is alive and well and kick- sounds like they’ve slowed down a bit. here. There was just enough to make me if they needed it, help them lift their ing heads in – despite all the ghastly Strangely, they remind me of early think that it might be worth listening to bass cabinet up on stage. –Todd Mengele-esque experiments that have Bulimia Banquet on a couple of tracks. again. And now I’m done with that idea. (Pelado) been done to it recently. Overall, the –Jimmy Alvarado (Municipal Waste) –Puckett (Newest Industry) mighty Midnight Evils fall somewhere LOST SOUNDS, THE: Rat’s between the Candy Snatchers and Super NAKED RAYGUN: NOFX: Regaining Brains and Microchips: CD Shitty to the Max-era Hellacopters. Good Free Shit: CD Unconsciousness: CDEP This band just keeps getting better and company in my book. Dirt-spitting, beer- This is two lives shows melded into one A teaser of sorts, with three tracks from better. It’s more doomy, creepy, and soaked bad ass punk rawk that will clear and these are Naked Raygun’s last two the upcoming album The War on complex than anything else that they out a room full of emos quicker than a shows from their hometown of Chicago Errorism and an exclusive track. Fat have done, while still retaining the great sweater sale at TJ Maxx. –Aphid Peewit in 1997. It could be a dicey affair. Live Mike and the gang have come a long hooks. I’d say more but I’m kind of at a (Estrus) CDs usually blow. Either they’re fake- way. In their early years here in LA, they loss for words, although I do hope that live (like Social Distortion’s Live at the were another of a hundred punk bands one day “FORMER MEMBERS OF MILKMAN: Is This Punk Roxy) or they reek of “you-had-to-be- that played around. Mike (as he was THE REATARDS! REATARDS Enough for You?: CD there”ism because the sound is recorded called back then) was just a young REATARDS REATARDS!!!” won’t be Nothing like a dose of speedy Dutch from a hand held recorder in the crowd. punker who attended Beverly Hills High. such a selling point for the Lost Sounds. hardcore to get the blood bumping while Although a huge Raygun fan, I’ll admit Somewhere along the line, he moved up –Josh (Empty) you’re at work waiting for the leader of that they had a couple of songs that to SF. Bad Religion put sounded out of gas near the end of their out the classic album 89 Suffer and a light bulb went on in Mike’s flipping this record every time I play it, that only listens to Crass, you’ll probably Tomorrow was the other) in as many head. The band had a transformation just so I can finish dancing around my like this. Caveat: The label on the record months that takes elements of early Cure and became what they are now, after living room. I can’t wait until this band is blank and you have to look at the – the swaying rhythms, more than a cou- endless touring and recording over puts out a full-length. –Sean Carswell engraving in the runout groove to see ple of guitar lines, and mopey wry-smile many years. I may not be a fan of their (Lo-Fi) which is the A-side. Who cares? Send vocals – and turn them on their ear for a music, but I do respect them. When ‘em five bucks and tell ‘em to keep up satisfying, updated effect. The entire punk was dead, they were in the van PANIC: the good work. –Josh (Nation of Kids) affair, instead of being plugged into the touring all over. I have a friend in When Monsters Move: CDEP gray clouds, feels less theatric (it’s not Canada who used to tell me what Following their last Crackle release, Get PISTOL GRIP: glam mope) than the Cure. It’s not fre- shows were happening in his area and Well, the band comes back with six Another Round: CD netic but it’s not super polished and the NOFX seemed to be up there as much tracks of melodies and pop harmonies. So much better than their debut, The slower parts build a nice atmosphere as they would come through LA. That Imagine going to elementary school and Shots from the Kalico Rose, that it’s sur- that’s dense and you get the feeling that a is a tough life. Me, I’m a wimp. I hated the Ramones are the music teachers and prising that this is the same band. The ton of original thought went into these being in the van, driving up to Bay the Queers and Screeching Weasel are street punk is still there but the music songs, much like The Starvations newest Area to play a couple of shows. The the students. The students are converted sounds more mature. The production record. –Todd (Contaminated) new tracks will not turn away fans and and go out in the yard and pick on the takes them off the streets and makes should continue to recruit new ones. kindergarten kids because their music them sound more legitimate. They seem RADON: We Bare All: CD They have perfected their songcraft teacher taught them that Britney Spears to have more hooks than a bunch of fish- If you’re not hip to Radon, now’s the after all these years. The hidden track and Mariah Carey was real music. After erman on a chartered fishing boat this time. Although they’ve been broken up with snippets of songs from their new a number of beatings, the kindergartners time around. The music is definitely for years, they’re Florida’s answer to the album formatted as a commercial is are converted and become the band more rocking than they have been in the riddle of what happens when you take pretty funny. Hey, a band that can sell Panic. Now that Panic have graduated past, almost like they have taken the Husker Du, make them squeegee off and over a million copies of a release with from school, they start their infection influences of Youth Brigade (since they drink their own sweat like pints of beer, no commercial airplay or videos can’t tour around Europe and its effects are are on the band’s label) and punk pio- have Leatherface become restaurant be half bad. –Donofthedead (Fat) now trickling here to the states. How can neers of the past to truly fine tune their managers in some backwoods southern you pass up a band with a song titled sound. Now I have to make the effort to town while holding the place hostage, OKMONIKS: Rustle Up Some “Stupid Music Played by Idiots”? go see them live. –Donofthedead (BYO) and the whole thing somehow mutates – Action with the...: 7” –Donofthedead (Crackle) with duct tape, exhaust pipes from bro- We get a lot of music at Razorcake that PLAN A PROJECT: ken vans, and some sort of unidentified just seems to chase trends. A lot of PAPERBACKS, THE: self-titled: CD fungus – into one of the best sheer will trashy garage rock, a lot of new wave self-titled: CD Kind of like ska-punk without the ska. punk bands that most of America’s never revival bands, stuff like that. Then, So fucking terrible. “You better go for Crap. –Megan (Go-Kart) listened to. The playing, although not in something like the Okmoniks comes broke! You’re already broken!” –Megan the slightest flashy, is amazing in a along and it manages to dance circles (Enabler) PLANES MISTAKEN FOR tight/sloppy way. It’s all about around those trends and come out rock- STARS: Spearheading the Sin dichotomies, humility, poor judgement ing. The Okmoniks play quirky garage PINE HILL HAINTS, THE: Movement: CDEP and shooting themselves in the foot rock that’s backed with an electric Alabama Country This is the clash of metal and emo; it’s while still having a good time, ending organ and a really bouncy rhythm sec- Ghost Music: 7” really strange. My friend Phil said that with an occasional microphone up the tion. And, boy, does it work. Rustle Up The title says it all. Well, maybe not the this is a pretty different direction for ass. Anyhow, on this pup are their first Some Action with the Okmoniks is a ghost part, as they are lacking a saw them. He also says it’s kind of like early two seven inches (that, since their three-song seven inch that follows right player on this release, but this is still Metallica, but I don’t see it. I’m not sure release, have never more than twenty 7”s along in style with their first seven good, down home country music by peo- how I feel about this. –Megan (No Idea) deep from yours truly’s record player. inch, Rock’N’Roll with the Okmoniks. ple whose definition of country music is Evan Dorkin, the man behind Milk and It’s great stuff. Side A and Side B are not Brooks & Dunn or the Dixie Chicks. PONYS: self-titled: 7” Cheese, illustrated the cover of In Your exactly the same, but I usually end up Unless you are some crusty gutter punk This is the second band (Kill Me Home), some of their comp tracks, and live tracks, five that have never been only original member from the begin- RED CHORD, THE: have a hard time believing it ever released. (The last track, listed ning. This new release is consistent Fused Together in became difficult to find used vinyl copies “Misfits,” is actually several Misfits with their last two releases, Reptile Revolving Doors: CD on the cheap, ever. Anyway, inasmuch as songs.) Long time favorites continue to House and Trust Me. The songs are I never thought I’d be grateful for receiv- this reissue seems to be accruing at least be so. If you’re in the buying mood, get more straight forward punk with less ing a modern hardcore record in my moderate buzz as the “great, lost” Redd their album, 28, too. Great shit. Four metal leanings. Luckily for us, their age review pile, but after the other piles I’ve Kross album (that YOU, who might have years after its release, I finally don’t hasn’t slowed these guys down. The reviewed, this sounds great. Think metal- missed it the first go-round, must acquire mind the last song on it. –Todd band and the songs still pulverize with lic hardcore – the really brutal stuff. immediately or court certain lack of sta- (No Idea) their aggression. The lyrics haven’t Think power violence. Think grindcore. tus amongst your more knowledgeable strayed from the original formula. Their Think Carcass. Think Entombed. This peers), allow me to weigh in on the sub- RAMBLER 454: lyrics are still pissed off and are ques- seems to fall just on the punk side of ject: Not only do i NOT consider Talk Down the Sky: CD tioning what irritates them. It’s an inter- death metal and only because the contact Neurotica to be particularly “lost,” i also Think “alternative rock’s answer to the esting choice though for a cover on this email address begins and ends with X. don’t think it’s that “great” either. I Black Crowes” and then head for the one. They cover Nirvana’s Territorial With that said, if I hadn’t just finished mean, i’ll cop to playing “Frosted Flake” hills. When they described themselves Pissing. Isn’t it usually the case a listening to three albums which consisted on my radio show with some regularity as “emo-billy,” I should’ve taken them younger band covers an older one? This of the most mealy-mouthed, treacly pop- for a while (occasionally reprising same at their word, ’cause this pretty much band was around before Nirvana. punk I’ve heard in weeks, I probably with “Peach Kelli Pop” or “Janus, Jeanie bites the weenie. –Jimmy Alvarado –Donofthedead (Six Weeks) wouldn’t like this either, but right now, it & George Harrison” if i was in a particu- (ReadyFireAim) seems like a shot of atropine straight to larly pro-Redd Kross mood that night), REAL McKENZIES, THE: the chest. –Puckett (Robotic Empire) but, for the most part, i thought this RAMBLER 454: Pissed Tae Th’ Gills: CD seeming bulwark of punky psych-pop – Talk Down the Sky: CD It’s the third full length from these REDD KROSS: Neurotica: CD recorded at the intersection of Brady Adult contemporary country crossover, Vancouver, BC kilt-wearing, Celtic Today i am officially old: I am now Bunch Boulevard and the Charles anyone? I need a Q-tip. My ears feel punk playing, hard drinking, Robbie receiving promo CD reissues of albums Manson Freeway – was just a gateway dirty. –Megan (Ready FireAim) Burns loving, Scotland worshiping lads. to review that i received promo vinyl record (drug?), the thing that signaled to It’s their second time around being on versions of to review fifteen years ago. me that hey, these guys might actually be RAW POWER: Still Screaming Joe Keithley’s (DOA) Sudden Death This record was originally released in able to pull off something REALLY (After 20 Years): LP Label. The last release was 2001’s 1987, during my two-year stint as a col- GREAT in their post-first-EP period This is the newest output by these Loch’d and Loaded on Honest Don’s. lege radio DJ (before the men with the AFTER all – the record that bridged the punks who put Italy on the internation- This time around, you get a live set that walkie-talkies and pistols escorted me credibility gap between the “i could care al punk map. At least for me, they were was recorded, I think, three years ago. It from the premises) on the ill-fated less what that band does these days” state the very first Italian punk band that I features many songs from their 1998 Bigtime™ record label, who went belly- i’d been in since 1982’s Born Innocent heard back in the early ‘80s. The first release, Clash of the Tartans, plus up soon afterwards, thusly allegedly ren- (my review of which earned me my first Screams from the Gutter LP and the many Scottish traditionals re-done with dering said album somewhat difficult to ever real Hate Letter, signed by the band Wop Hour EP were in constant rotation their tongue and cheek flavor. If this is capture. I wouldn’t know; at least at and kept in my desk to this day), and my at my house. Those two releases and the all new to you, this band mixes punk WGBW, this thing was the darling of the prostrating myself before their one Mine to Kill LP are my favorites. Those rock with a bagpipe to make a ruckus. “College Rock” set (sort of a precursor to TRUE masterpiece, 1990’s Bubblegum records are crossover classics. I actual- They make songs that make you want to “alternative,” i guess, with R.E.M. as the Factory CD (the succeeding Switchblade ly got to meet the band and see them hold your pint high in the air or at least spiritual point guard – take from that Sister EP and the Phaseshifter album are live, if I remember correctly, around drink to the point that the evening never what you will), and overplayed (espe- also quite worthy). In short: THIS 1985. They were amazing shows and existed. Fans of Flogging Molly, the cially “Play My Song,” yecch) to the RECORD AIN’T THAT GREAT. This nice people. This is the last recorded Pogues or Dropkick Murphys will point of near-absurdity both on the air point is rendered moot by the fact that, work by guitarist Giuseppe Codeluppi, appreciate the craft of this band’s wares and at parties, to the extent where it was even if i was as big a fan of this album as who died unexpectedly last year. The they have created in the last ten years. so ubiquitous for a time that i to this day many of my peers were, i’d have to insist singer Mauro Codeluppi remains as the –Donofthedead (Sudden Death) you steer the fuck clear of this CD: The aggravating sonic thinness that was ing their track on the Live Fat, Die always part of the record (thanks to pro- Young: Fat Music Volume 5 comp. I was duction by, of all unlikely villains, totally blown away by the song “Join the Tommy Ramone??!) has been aggravated Ranks.” Their full length debut, The to aggravatingly aggravating new heights Unraveling, came out but I missed out of aggravation in the transfer to digital; because of the transition from one maga- that is to say, IF YOU’RE GOING TO zine to this one. I had it on my list to buy, BUY THIS RECORD, GO FIND AN but never got around to buying it myself. OLD VINYL COPY. THIS CD I forgot about the band and received SOUNDS LIKE SHIT. The crackly ultra- Uncontrollable Fatulence: Fat Music treble (the hi-hats in particular) renders Volume 6. Their track, “Generation this version practically unlistenable, as Lost,” reminded me that I had put them far as i’m concerned. On the vinyl, back on the list of music I needed to pick there’s enough Shake-Yo’-Booty-ism left up. Time passed once again and I never in the bass groove that the title track still got around to purchasing said item. Low sounds a bit like “Taxman,” as i’m sure and behold, their second full length was was the intent; that’s not the case with the sitting in my box at the almighty CD – further, on the vinyl, the sitar (or Razorcake empire. Knowing that I was guitar-which-sounds-like-a-sitar) solo in going to enjoy this, I pop this puppy into “Play My Song” actually still sounds the CD player and get a familiar sound of passably sitar-like; again, not the case on power mixed with melody. The songs are the CD. Etc. What a drag it AIN’T gettin’ aggressive but not overtly abrasive. Their old! BEST SONG: “Frosted Flake” lyrics are well written, personal, and BEST SONG TITLE: “Ghandi Is Dead political. Production-wise, you know (I’m the Cartoon Man)” FANTASTIC what you are getting from Fat. Fans not AMAZING TRIVIA FACT: Excerpts familiar with this band but are familiar from 1982 Red Cross hate letter, verba- with bands like Anti-Flag or Good tim: “You’d sound pschycadelic too if Riddance will appreciate the sonic ener- you recorded on 10 hits of acid (and gy this band produces. Hearing them that’s just the engineer). As a matter of again is like a swift kick in the butt to go fact, we’re on Angel Dust right NOW!!! out and buy their previous release and doesn’t that make you sick? Well tough maybe go see them live. Let’s see... shit you little hardore turd! I bet you’re –Donofthedead (Fat) bald!” and “My favorite drug is Angel Dust it’s got for you it helps you be cre- ROCK KILLS KID: ative. Im on it right now HA HA HA dont self-titled: CD you wish you had some dildoe” and, Rock did NOT kill the kid – what killed finally “We hate you shit head.” Right the kid was a whopping overdose of on, man. –Rev. Nørb syrupy-sweet, cry-baby, cuddle punk like (Five Foot Two/ Oglio) this sickening heap of butt marshmal- lows. Ugh. The band that does the theme REGGIE AND THE FULL song for Friends is more threatening, and EFFECT: Under the Tray: CD for that matter, one hell of a lot more I have done a lot of things in my life that interesting. I can just feel new cavities I’m not proud of. I have woken up on chewing through my teeth as this drippy strange floors after benders, vomited on little disc continues pumping its candy girls who I had been in love with for coated crap into my room. Time to go years, gagged on my own sick in my brush my teeth six or seven times and sleep and lived to tell the tale, pissed make it all go away. Thank god for myself after drinking too much, gotten “stop” buttons. –Aphid Peewit (Fearless) into drunken brawls that I barely remem- ber, shattered glasses in my hands to RUBBER CITY REBELS: prove points and bled all over myself and Pierce My Brain: CD others while sitting in the middle of Punk rock, ‘77-style, from a band that restaurants – you get the idea. However, was actually around at that time, so even at my lowest moments, even when there’s no doubt they know what they’re dimly regaining a drunken sort of con- doin’. This is newly recorded material sciousness next to a girl who was shout- from this veteran band and, while the ing, “What the fuck is all this puke in the lyrics are kinda iffy in places, the music bed?” at 3 A.M., I knew there were things is dead-on solid rock’n’roll with just the that I would never do. I knew it might right amount of sneer to separate ’em take me a while to identify them, but get- from the Stooge-poseurs saturating the ting this record helped because I will subgenre. –Jimmy Alvarado (Smog Veil) never defile myself by willfully listening to any Reggie And The Full Effect song RUINERS, THE: again. –Puckett (Vagrant) How’s That Grab Ya?: CD I think it’s supposed to be a punk band – REVENGE THERAPY: there’s a song called “Punk Son” (which self-titled: CDEP goes, “Father, love your punk son”. Spotless, relentless hardcore in the clas- Maybe it’s not supposed to be punk) and sic fastpart/moshpart style with a tiny bit the guy’s all bloody on the back cover, of overarching melodic guitar and but dude, this things got all the power of screamy but legible vocals; too bad it’s a chopped-in-half AAA battery, and the only five songs (your CD player will say abundance of keyboards and girlman it’s six, but stop it before the extra track. vocals doesn’t help, either. A couple Trust me.) And dig this: they’re named songs are about vampire dating and after the Jawbreaker record, and they graveyard lawn jobs, so let’s call it lame have a split EP out with a band named gothpunk for turkeys. –Cuss Baxter My War; how something is that? –Cuss (Disaster) Baxter (Amendment) SHEMPS, THE: self-titled: CDR RISE AGAINST: Here’s seventeen raw tracks from those Revolutions Per Minute: CD New York hooligans, The Shemps, who As I get older, the facts in my brain are introduce rock’n’roll into their more and more disorganized with all the unabashed punk rock with glorious new music I am introduced to each results. It’s catchy, toe-tapping fun that month. I’m not complaining, by any brings to mind the renaissance of the stretch. Pulling facts out of my peanut- garage years, pre-mock blues and major sized brain becomes a marathon event. I label interest, when bands like The Devil was first introduced to this band by hear- Dogs, The Candy Snatchers (god bless the bleeders), etc. brought the clubhouse noxious nuggets of blues-punk bombast dummy box to admit that I was wrong. I SUBVERSIVES, THE: walls down, back when nobody really blast, bug-eyed, through turgid trash- sometimes wonder why I think the way I From Here… to Nowhere: CD cared for this type of music. So, The heaps and straight-up sonic sadism, leav- do. They were equals in a scene that cre- This is supposed to blow – older looking Shemps went through a major lineup ing lacerated lollygaggers and weeping ated many great bands. –Donofthedead American (or living in America) guys overhaul since we last heard from them windbags in the wake of the aggravated (Dr. Strange) going back to UK punk roots. It’s an several years ago when they invaded aural assault. Also, Pete’s from the activity that’s been whipped more than a Japan two years ago. Dave the Spazz (of Chicken Hawks. –Cuss Baxter (Welfare) STARVATIONS: THE: mistreating slave. But, for some inexplic- WFMU fame) left his post as lead singer Get Well Soon: CD able reason, this CD isn’t only catchy under mysterious circumstances. Taking SNOW DOGS: Deep Cuts, The Starvations have been able to cinch solely an old familiar way. (Like, “Ooh, over the helm is Artie – the loveable, Fast Remedies: CD the dark heart of so many styles of music, nice Partisans riff” or “so that’s what the diminutive yet energy laden new vocalist Yo! Punk rock MTV style. to squeeze it, have it languidly bleed Toy Dolls would sound like when they’re that howls and hoots like Screamin’ Jay –Donofthedead (Victory) down their arms and meander deep under pissed” or “Man, the best of Cock Hawkins in the punk rock era. Artie their skin. Stains, that with no amount of Sparrer, that’s some great shit.”) The brings a fresh shot of urgency and Bill SNUFF: scrubbing, will never come out. Equal Subversives have actually introduced Florio, their long time be-boppin’ bassist Disposable Income: CD parts sickness, celebration, and the new wrinkles to a genre that I thought and MRR contributor told me Artie Oh boy! Pure pop bliss! This is the fol- macabre. The Starvations, immediately had been dry cleaned, hung up on a rack, crashed his car into the side of a club low-up to the Blue Gravy: Phase 9 upon listening, have so much figured out: and sold back as new to bondage pants- where The Shemps were playing one CDEP that was, in my opinion, above chemistry, alchemy, fermentation. The wearing teens at the mall. So, if you’re at night – they’ve been inseperable since. average. They come back with a bang playing is too assured, too other-worldly the store and your hand’s burning from Ah, I love a good love story. Rounding and show their superiority to the world. realized. Possessed. There’s a vision that touching Total Cash Register, and you out the line up is Sue (who has left since The songs are as infectious as ever and doesn’t have to stoop to the past in a con- want something that’s heavy, catchy, and this writing) on rhythm guitar, Jimmy continue to put my face into contortions, stant bow of reverence, but to scoop it up you don’t feel like they’re singing solely The Love Machine on those solid drums forcing a happy face. The production has by the ladle and have it violently sizzle to sell records to thirteen year olds with and our good friend Squeaky (ex- been the key for many years. The guitars over the glassy shards of the present. Yes, tall hair – and you like U.S. Bombs’ War Flipside, Fizz contributor/ Voluptous are thick and add little shards of metal it’s punk, but, thankfully, in the widest Birth or Dropkick Murphys Do or Die – Horror of Karen Black go-go dancer/ chugging while not being too aggressive. dilation. Touchstones are merely that – this ain’t a bad soundtrack to spend an Larry Clarke model/ ex-Stallions gui- A band with a Hammond organ is all starting points: early Gun Club, The evening playing darts or bowling to. tarist and all around good guy) who takes right with me, too! Duncan is still behind Blasters, fiery Nick Cave and I also hear Thumbs up. –Todd (Charged) a violin bow to his guitar like a head- the kit, banging away like a spastic mon- distant echoes of Bauhaus. Not in sound, hunter goin’ to work on the other tribe. key while keeping it together to sing the but in intent, they’re also akin to what SWINGIN’ UTTERS: Eat your heart out The Creation! The best vocals. I like the fact they do experiment Throw Rag’s all about. Then it’s all Dead Flowers, Bottles, thing about The Shemps is that their and try to add new elements to the music boiled and shantied up with occasional Bluegrass and Bones: CD longest song clocks in at an epic 2:18. I to keep things fresh. They brought in piano, accordion, harmonica, and congas In the last five years, I sure have listened love a band that doesn’t waste my time more players this time around to fill the in a way that makes it seem more stripped to a lot of punk. It tends to make a per- with Beatles chord progressions and all sound to new expanses. It might be blas- down and closer to what I’ve always son jaded by hearing so much music. that unnecessary studio time wanking! phemous to say, but I think they are the thought true roots music should sound Things that I buy for myself might sit for The Shemps came down here back in Beatles of punk rock – music that imme- like. True gothic, (in the original defini- a month before I actually listen to it. Not December where they played a series of diately takes you to another world with- tion of the word) before it was attached to that it’s bad, but sometimes it takes a lot shows with The Stupor Stars, which out leaving the outside area of your a genre of music – highlighting decay more oomph to get me excited. So when brought us the long awaited reunion of speakers with melodies that I would die amongst the decadence. –Todd (GSL) I hear something progressive, it catches old friends, Mr. Rick Hall and Squeaky for to write. If you haven’t taken the my attention. The Swingin’ Utters have (they were both in the Stallions.) The giant step and sampled these musical STITCHES, THE: progressed from album to album to con- shows were fun filled with breakdancing, masters, what are you waiting for? While Twelve Imaginary Inches: CD tinue to catch my attention. Their pro- dildoing mics, Squeaky doin’ the splits, you’re at it, you need to check out Guns What is there to say about the Stitches gression from an average street punk and a couple of unnamed girls doin’ their n’ Wankers and Dogpiss, which are side that hasn’t been said before? You know band to now is night and day. They still best “Don’t Talk to Me” GG Allin projects of Snuff from the past. Why did the score here: snotty vocals, great mid- take the old school sound and add ele- karaoke. Artie topped it off by telling me they leave Fat? –Donofthedead (Union) tempo punk rock, lots of creepers, and ments of piano, violin and other instru- he once macked on a chick with one arm. lots of intoxicants. Catchier than a vene- ments to give their songs more flavor. Those zany Shemps! –Miss Namella STALAG 13: In Control: CD real disease in Baltimore. I can’t tell you Also, the three vocalist attack makes for Kim (The Shemps) Bill from Dr. Strange comes through which song is my favorite because the a more layered appeal. The mix of songs again and brings back another classic only place where the song titles are writ- on this release makes this an enjoyable SINCE BY MAN: We Sing from the dead. Originally released on ten is on the CD itself, but they are all listen from start to finish. The songs vary The Body Electric: CD Upstart Records (Jorge Newberry, where good. There are a bunch of little keyboard in style and tempo from each other. Metal, but metal of that new fancy kind are you?) in 1984 and bootlegged numer- parts on this. These guys must think Many bands releases sound like one big where they use slick, spare, modern artsy ous amounts of times by Lost and Found they’re Hawkwind or something. –Josh song. That is not the problem here. One graphics, have a lot of different parts to out of Germany, this Nardcore classic is (TKO) thing I can’t get out of my head is that the songs, appear to be making some available to the masses again. This this band sounds like Social Distortion manner of aesthetic overture to record was on regular rotation on so STUPOR STARS, THE: to me when Johnny sings. pseudointellectuals and occasionally many punks’ stereos back then that I Bernadette: EP –Donofthedead (Fat) wear hammer and sickle t-shirts. I kinda barely ever played my own copy. I actu- This is snotty, snotty, snotty punk rock- wanted to read thru the lyrics just to see ally burned out hearing them and never ’n’roll with a power pop twist. There is a THIS IS MY FIST!: I Don’t if they used the word “sophistry,” but i played my record ever again. I bought real sense of urgency that translates well Want to Startle You But They never got around to it. WORST SONG: the three limited edition copies of this on with a band like The Stupor Stars, one of Are Going to Kill Most of Us: Whatever one’s longest, i guess. vinyl recently and never played them. the most overlooked bands ever. In the 7” EP WORST SONG TITLE: “Parole En What a collector nerd I am sometimes! far future, after all is said and done, there The title of this 7” is reminiscent of the Liberta.” FANTASTIC AMAZING While at Razorcake HQ, I saw that this will be some members dead and a group great book on the Rwandan genocide by TRIVIA FACT: Back cover contains was in my box. I slap the disc into the of geriatric punks who claim to be the Philip Gourvitch, We Wish to Inform You claim that “Helvetica Is The Typeface Of CD player and see if I will like it after all real “Rick Hall or May Lou or King That Tomorrow We Will Be Killed with Bourgeois Consumption,” which was a these years. Like the hypocrite that I am, Roberto or Lowell or Alan” like all those Our Families. If you haven’t read it and pretty rad typographical thought, say, IN I fuckin’ love this! The songs are famil- fools who tried to say they were still think the holocaust is the only mass ABOUT 1985 or something. In contrast, iar as ever but welcomed. Hearing the Buckwheat – nigga please. I was paid slaughter this century, I can’t suggest it the font the band uses for the lyrics – song “No Excuse” again was a reenact- well in advanced by the band to tell you highly enough. The singer, Annie’s (ex- Monotype Ehrhardt maybe? – looks like ment of getting a boot to the head. The that this EP is good. Regardless of that Ambition Mission, an excllent Chicago the kinda thing one typesets theater pro- booklet has pictures of the band at the bounced check, I still think this record band), voice is startlingly clear and dis- grams in, or maybe those sissy menus long-defunct Cathey de Grande here in rules. The B-Side is “Born to Run” by tinct, much like how Allison from they have on the chairs in the good seats Los Angeles which brought back good Bruce Springsteen – don’t panic – it Discount could belt it out. It’s both ten- at Chicago Bulls games. –Rev. Nørb memories of seeing them there on a reg- sounds nothing like the original. I asked der and barbed and can get nice and (Revelation) ular basis. There are also pictures of fly- Rick Hall, the singer “What’s the deal growly. From the name of the band, I ers that are still on the bedroom wall at with the Springsteen cover?” He was expecting some knuckleheaded SIOUX CITY PETE & my mother’s house that I haven’t taken answered, “The band decided to do it.” I floor-punching schmubs. Thankfully, it’s THE BEGGARS: down even though I haven’t lived there quipped back, “Oh so the ENTIRE band more of a nice warning, much like This Sodomy & Failure: CD in over fifteen years. Hearing the four has bad taste?!” You know, I’m not down Bike Is a Pipebomb’s name and intent is. Like a John Holmes spoot shootin’ all bonus tracks was a welcome surprise. with The Boss because The Boss never Also, thankfully, it’s a power trio that over the room, this band of bent and Three songs were recorded in the studio existed. All I can remember is reading takes transposed cues from Jawbreaker bawdy buttholes makes a mightily mag- and the track “Selfish” was on the We that Andy G admitted to liking Bruce (sensible time changes to keep the tide nificent mess kicking the corn-crusted Got Power comp. The last track, “Make Springsteen. Man, I thought that was flowing), crunchier, less pop Tilt (nice crap out of the Gun Club and the a Change,” is recorded live. I had put pretty bold. I’m not bold – I just hate and buzzy), and if it was ever bottled like Immortal Lee County Killers with deliri- them below Nardcore greats like Dr. everything, except for this Stupor Stars a musical fragrance, it’s got that East ous disregard for regular rules of fidelity Know, Agression, RKL, Ill Repute, and EP. Satan bless the Stupor Stars. –Miss Bay Sound that’s hard to and finesse and fancypants fashion. Nine False Confessions, but I do step up on the Namella Kim (Honeyhole) 93 describe but is instantly recognizable. I music on this CD. This seems in keeping can’t get any more hardcore than them. D.O.A. contributing two songs. I like the like it lots. It’s very realized for a band’s with the attitude of the band. 8) Most of –Jimmy Alvarado (Dionysus) concept and that should be done more first seven inch. Thumbs up. –Todd the high school aged punk bands I have often by others who do tribute comps. (Left of the Dial) seen in my life could come up with a bet- UNKNOWN, THE: My favorite track is Smash You Face’s ter cover concept than this has – a poor- Radio Lied to Me: CD cover of “America Is Beautiful,” but the TIMVERSION, THE/ ly drawn skull with septum piercing Picture Poison (not Look What the Cat tracks by Constricted, Total Fury, BAGGAGE: split 7” (through the bone, I guess) and Dragged In, either) mix it with Weird Al. Wagplaty, First Alert, Go, and D.O.A. The Timversion: how do I accurately Discharge hairdo, holding a globe with Take out the humor. Pure ass. –Megan are no small chump change. You can feel describe to you how amazing The continents that almost look like those of (Boss Tuneage) the love in the air when the bands con- Timversion are? Do I talk about how Earth. 9) Where are the punks invading? tributed to this. With so many bad comps their sound is in line with some of my 10) Just when I was about to give a nod U.S. BOMBS: Covert Action: CD coming out these days, it’s good to see favorite bands like Tiltwheel, Super to this CD being filled with not entirely Not too long ago, I saw Duane Peters and that some sneak through the cracks and Chinchilla Rescue Mission, and Panthro bad music that the kids can at least get a the US Bombs play a show, and I fell in turn out to be good. –Donofthedead UK United 13? Do you even know those catharsis out of, on comes the bad love with Duane even more. That man (Mangrove) bands? Do I talk about how, amidst the Rancid rip off mid-tempo song that knows how to dance. And the Bombs noise and chaos of their songs, there are shows why punk vocalists are often know how to rock. The Bombs were in VIC BONDI/ ARTICLES OF a really cool, Replacements style called vocalists and not singers. 11) I fine form with Back at the Laundromat, FAITH: Fortunate Son: CDEP melodies? Or do I just say, “Forget about would give a nod to the audio collage and their follow-up tracks in Covert When Vic Bondi wrote for Hit List, he everything else I’ve recommended to track about the death of Brian Deneke, Action are tight. The Bombs have their sure the fuck didn't take a liking to a lot you and buy something by The whose killer got away with it since it was sound down, but they’re still trying new of punk being made in the present tense. Timversion first”? Baggage: maybe it’s a “clean cut” kid in a fight against a stuff. I especially enjoyed Kerry From the sounds of "Hardball" and his enough for me to just say that – in light punk. But it was pretty uninformative Martinez’s contribution, “Faith of cover of John Fogerty's "Fortunate Son," of all my praise of The Timversion – I’m and half-assed, and having been in Marie,” an instrumental that really show- I guess that means he really just missed still happy to flip this record and hear the Amarillo lately, even the punks there cased Martinez’s often-overlooked tal- bands that sounded like Helmet mixed in Baggage side. Baggage are in line with want to kind of move on. 12) “Hey guys, ent. Man, I hope I see these guys live with high piles of donkey poo. Articles other bands on the Snuffy Smile label in see how popular the Dropkick Murphys again soon. I wanna dance with Duane. of Faith I won't shit talk about. "Buy This the sense that they take a solid are? Let’s rip them off too, and have a Preferably to “Faith of Marie.” –Felizon War" and "American Dreams" sound as Leatherface influence and blend it with a bagpipe and everything.” 13) Wasn’t (Hellcat) vital today, perhaps more so, than when fuzzy, Japanese rock’n’roll sound and there already song called “Jock O- they were released in the early '80s. Give end up blowing my mind. My only com- Rama”? I get it when multiple bands use VANILLA MUFFINS: All Give thanks that Articles of Faith's stuff was plaint about this seven inch is that it’s so a title like “Betrayed” or something, or Some – Some Give All: CDEP kept in print by Bitzcore, then compiled tough to get ahold of Snuffy Smile stuff when obscure bands use something not A new EP with four tracks from this in Complete Vols. 1 and 2 on AT (these in the US. If anyone knows of a US dis- realizing another obscure band did as Swiss powerhouse, one of which is a two songs are on those LPs) and see why tro for these guys, please let me know. well, but I am pretty sure that these guys reworking of their classic “My Angel,” they were truly one of the lesser-known –Sean Carswell (Snuffy Smile) know who the Dead Kennedys are. 14) and another co-written by skinhead leg- hardcore greats that were creative, bom- Why is it so hard to send a reviewer a end Frankie Flame. As can be expected, bastic, smart-as-fuck, hyperspeed, and TONE: Ambient Metals: CD real CD, not just the CD and inset? there’s a truckload of pop sensibility evi- dead-eyed. Skip this hinky EP and get Tone: by the hatful. Ambient: yes. Metal: Having to unstaple stuff is annoying, and dent and not a bad tune to be found any- the collections for the real meat. -Todd no. I got a little excited when I saw that lose contents are easier to lose, and I just where. Thumbs up. –Jimmy Alvarado (Alternative Tentacles) Geordie Grindle from DC’s Teen Idles plain think it’s funny that they put a hole (Haunted Town) was in it but that turned out to mean in the UPC. 15) The last track is called VOIDS, THE: nothing. As the title sort of implies, it’s a “We Are the Future.” Apparently the VARIOUS ARTISTS: Kill a Generation: CD sub-Sonic Youth exercise in rhythmic future is a bunch of aging guys who hold ClePunk.comp: CD They recently opened for the Subhumans instrumental drone that’s thoughtful, on to the image of the past and the mind- The Dexter Chumley Attack! As far as I at a show I attended recently here in LA, unintrusive, and mild without being set of their adolescence. 16) can tell, one of the few sound reasons to but I missed their set trying to deal with wimpy. –Cuss Baxter (Dischord) TotalChaos.com butt flaps. Need I say live in Cleveland in this day and age, but guest list issues. I knew I had their CD at more? –Rich Mackin (Reject) what a reason! From their two brisk home for review but hadn’t listened to it. TOTAL CHAOS: tracks here alone, I’m fixing to pack up It’s a female-led band that reminded me Punk Invasion: CD TRANSISTOR TRANSISTOR: and go, and while I’m there I might of Sin 34 and a little bit of Beki Bondage 1) This album has covers of Twisted self-titled: CD check out Allergic to Whores, which I from Vice Squad. Unfortunately, this Sister and the Exploited. Take those two Weird, crazy music that would be very think would round out the whole of band from Whittier, CA sounded like bands and make them one. Keep in mind close to noise if the production values Clevo’s full-throttle thrash scene. Other early ‘80s So Cal due to the bad record- how old they are by now. Keep in mind weren’t so high. Energetic, scary, styles represented by the twenty-four ing production. The guitars were thin and you can still listen to those songs as orig- dischordian stuff but it has a good beat bands here include streetpunk, ska, all the drums sound like tin cans. The bones inally recorded. 2) “This record is dedi- and I can dance to it. Somewhere a bunch kinds of poppy punk, and a few heavier were there but the meat was thin. cated to the true punks of the world, of scruffy kids are flagellating with fin- acts like Disengage and Los Fiascos. As Lyrically, they hold their own. It didn’t those who stand against conformity... gers pointed skyward and smiles painted scene comps go, not bad, but records this sound like remedial English and thought and raise their middle finger to authori- on their faces. –Rich Mackin diverse generally leave me limp. But the was put forth. They cover Ill Repute’s ty.” Funny thing about guys who very (Level Plane) Dexter Chumley Attack! Gracious! And, Strike Back, which was a tad slow but clearly put a lot of work into making sure oh yeah, I seriously hope God kills me wasn’t half bad. Pretty good. Hope to that they look like all so many other punk TRIGGERS, THE: before I ever have to hear the red hot hear this band once they record in a bet- bands from the last twenty years. Funny Shoot Your Mouth Off: CD chili poop of the Kirkendahl Voyd again. ter studio. –Donofthedead thing also about raising a middle finger I don’t know what is with Dirtnap. I get –Cuss Baxter (Smog Veil) (Destroy All Records) to authority. It just pisses off authority. a comp and I don’t really like it, but then Then authority keeps oppressing you. almost every album to cross my ears I go VARIOUS ARTISTS: WHERE EAGLES DARE: Why not either get rid of authority nuts for. The Triggers go balls-out from RadioDick 3-Sided In a Thousand Words or Less: through political action or set aside your the get-go. Tons of energy. The female LP Series: CD CDEP own lifestyle without much inclusion of vocals remind me of The Brat. It’s loud The American Plague, Windfall, and A self-proclaimed hardcore band out of authority? 3) Every time I see the Total and loose, yet wound tightly together at Vanguard: pretty unremarkable stuff here Arizona takes you on a fun-filled ride of Chaos logo with the circle A of anarchy, the same time. One of the best albums – except for Windfall. That chick has got your life with a soundtrack of seven I secretly wish one day to interview the this time around. –Megan (Dirtnap) just about one of the worst voices I’ve songs to make your ear drums bleed. I band and ask them a lot of questions ever heard. I sing better than she does feel an `88 straight edge sound ringing in about Emma Goldman and the differ- UNDEAD: and I suck. –Megan (Pal-Tone) my ears. Energetic and fast makes for a ences between Anarco Syndicalism and First, Worst and Cursed: CD rocking good time. –Donofthedead Primitivism. 4) There are no lyrics in the A retrospective of a band that started VARIOUS ARTISTS: (Endwell) inset, but MAN are there a lot of photos their reign of terror in Los Angeles Streets of Philadelphia II: CD with people who spend a lot of time on back in the late ‘70s and went on to Emo, screamo, college rock, metal- WHITE FLAG: R Is for their hair. 5) Looking punk is really greater fame after a move to San tinged “hardcore,” radio friendly pop Rocket, U Is for Unreleased: CD important because it defies the classist Francisco. As can be expected, the punk, all of it primed for overground A kinda odds ’n’ sods type deal here, pur- conventions of late 1970s British society. sound is rooted in Dolls/Thunders mass consumption and all of it sounding portedly containing their “first” album, R If any old Brits come to California, /Ramones country. On the whole, the just as plastic and fake as one would is for Rocket, along with some outtakes, MAN are they going to be pissed. 6) I proceedings are well worth a listen and, expect. More succinctly, utter crap. live tracks and a video for the computer opened for Total Chaos once. Long story. although most Bobby Steele fans will –Jimmy Alvarado (Wonka Vision) geeks. Many of the songs here are demo One of the members had just dyed his probably groan when they realize this quality versions of songs that appeared hair and it ran all down his face. Wow, is not the band with ties to the Misfits, VARIOUS ARTISTS: We Still on S Is for Space, and “Hoppity Hooper” even when I was a teenage postcard I suggest they give it a shot, ’cause it Keep on Running with D.O.A.: and “Question of Intelligence” appeared punk, even I knew the importance of really is pretty good. If the bands you CD on BCT’s Eat Me cassette comp and the proper rinsing. And some kids came and like just HAFTA have some kinda tie to This is an interesting covers comp that first Flipside comp, respectively. The heckled EVERY act. 7) Yes, I am focus- hardcore, guitarist Joe Dirt also played features six Japanese bands playing real meat of this, though, ing more on what they look like than the in the legendary Fuck Ups, and you D.O.A. songs. Another interesting fact is is the live show, record- 95 ed at a graduation party back in every stylistic idiosyncrasy i associ- the music, but things are still very 1982, identified as the band’s first ate with classic Posh Boy – the robo- noisy, and strangely eclectic, some- gig. Some of the live banter twist beat (kick, snare-snare, kick, times touching upon their Pink appeared between songs on S Is For snare!) of the Red Cross EP, the Flag days, other times sounding Space, but this is the first time to my nasal vocals and somewhat cleanish vaguely like Coil, and then going knowledge that full tracks have been guitars of the Simpletones, occa- off on a tangent you’d expect from available. More recent fans might sionally the lyrical meter of The a contemporary band like Trans take note that this sounds nothing Crowd, etc., etc. – all twisted up in Am. Some will probably blow this like their poppier stuff. As for the some manner of latter-day Franken- off as sounding like shit because rest of you, I hear they’re planning Posh French Braid O’ Vintage none of the tunes qualify as a to reissue S Is For Space, so consid- ‘79/’80 LA Punk-Pop that screams sequel to “12XU,” but this bad boy er this the appetizer platter. –Jimmy out for the classic peach-colored is gonna get a lotta spins around Alvarado (Artifix) label and the generic purple/yel- this boy’s house. Nice to know that low/green/red “PARTY!” die-cut at least some of the geezers still get WILLOWZ, THE: 12” jackets ca. 1980! I listen to this what the whole thing was about. That Willowz Feelin’ b/w too long and start thinking i’m late –Jimmy Alvarado Think Again: CD-single for Drivers’ Ed or something! B- (www.pinkflag.com) The amazing thing about this being side, such as it is, sounds like a mild- the first release on the ly more contemporary reworking of Z/28: Wrecks from the legendary/infamous Posh Boy the central thesis to the Real Kids’ Highway: CD Records in frickin’ ages is that you’d “Up Is Up,” but maybe if the lead I picked up this CD just because it swear – you’d fucking SWEAR! – vocalist was in one of the earlier Rip was from Scotland, and I was curi- that Robbie Fields marched these Off Records bands and his original ous about what was going on over guys into some cryogenic chamber impetus to start singing was Kepi of there. I kept it because it was a at gunpoint twenty years ago (hey, the Groovie Ghoulies. It grieves me competent rockabilly CD, and I from what i’ve heard of the guy, i to say this, but here goes: Posh Boy don’t have much rockabilly. It’s a wouldn’t put it past him) and put 1, 21st Century 0. BEST SONG: good album to listen to when I’ve ‘em on ice for two decades, just to “That Willowz Feelin’” BEST been listening to punk and hardcore unleash them when the world least SONG TITLE: “Think Again” FAN- for a while and I need a change up expected it (sort of like how when TASTIC AMAZING TRIVIA after all the fastballs. The guys in you’re a kid, you always try to stash FACT: Songs are published by Z/28 play their instruments well a snowball in the freezer in March, Covina High Music, for added stim- and pull off a rockabilly sound that figuring in the middle of July you’re ulation! –Rev. Nørb (Posh Boy) could just as well come from a front gonna come out and blast the neigh- porch in the hills of Arkansas as bor kid with it – except your Mom WIRE: Send: CD from Scotland. I can’t always throws the snowball away by I honestly didn’t know what to say that it rises above the mid-April). I mean, if somebody expect from this. Seeing as the odds rest of the greaser pile. told you this was recorded in 1979 have been stacked against old punk It’s just a good change of or 1980 – or on the “good” side of bands releasing anything interesting, pace. –Sean Carswell the one Rodney on the ROQ album and that Wire has been all over the (JSNTGM) you never got around to buying – musical map over the last three there would be no overt cause for decades, one must approach a new doubt on your part. It’s on Rodney Wire album with some trepidation. Check out seventy-sseven On The ROQ Volume Four! It’s on Lo and behold, it’s pretty interest- more new record reviews Posh Hits Volume Two! Virtually ing. There’s a high “art” quotient to at
• 1+2, c/o Nice & Neat, PO Box 14177, • Fat, PO Box 193690, SF, CA 94119 • Posh Boy, PO Box 4474, Palm Desert, Minneapolis, MN 55414 • Fearless, 13772 Goldenwest St. #545, CA 92261 • 54 40 Or Fight, PO Box 1601, Acme, Westminster, CA 92683 • Punk Core, PO Box 916, Middle Island, NY Michigan, 49610-1601 • Fish Fur, 121 E 63rd St., Savannah, GA 31405 11953;