Ian Fleming and ‘AS Ian Fleming’ Devil the by Jacques I.M.Stewart
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Flatulent Mendacious Gratuitous JACQUES Solace Daylights AND Octopussy Golden Royale view Futile Inconsistent STEWART Mistaken Hildebrand Thunderball New DrivelAbusive Random Annoying The 007 Me THE Service York you DIE Ignorance Only The Spineless THE Vain With a Prolix Codswallop Fnarr Impenetrable Pretentious Piffle Nonsense oo7 Loved Secret Care Balderdash th 007 Goldfinger Timewasting Tiresome Poor Unnecessary Empty Pointless Rot th Lies Simplistic Chapter Cack The Loathsome of A series of literary Musings Moonraker Choice words of praise by 'people from the internet' Chapter for Jacques Stewart's Volume one: Happenstance 007th Chapter series in ian fleming and ‘AS Ian Fleming’ Devil THE BY Jacques I.M.Stewart Rarity of to Casino From DR Russia are NO THE Lady Forever For May Live 007th a The LOVE Gun Twice a Property Risico , Her Eyes Let Majesty s with Kill Who A Living From Chapter Your Live Spy on only This book is not for sale but only available as a free download at Commanderbond.net. If you Quantum Diamonds THE Man downloaded this ebook and want to give something in return, please make a donation to UNICEF, or any other cause of your personal choice. BOOK Trespassers will be masticated. Fnarr. BOOK With 15 word clouds by Heiko Baumann a commanderbond.net book COMMANDERBOND.NET BROUGHT TO YOU BY COMMANDERBOND.NET THE 007th Chapter A series of literary Musings Volume one: Happenstance ian fleming and ‘AS Ian Fleming’ BY Jacques I.M.Stewart With 15 word clouds by Heiko Baumann a commanderbond.net book Jacques I. M. Stewart The 007th Chapter – a series of literary musings Volume One: Happenstance – Ian Fleming and ‘as Ian Fleming’ with 15 word clouds by Heiko Baumann A Commanderbond.net ebook First published as an ebook May 2015 “The 007th Chapter of Devil May Care”, a parody, fiction and opinion piece by Jacques Stewart, is first published here. The other content was published as a series of parody, fic- tion and opinion pieces by Jacques Stewart on the James Bond fan site Commanderbond.net between February and December 2014. The only fact asserted is that these parody and fiction pieces represent the opinions of Jacques Stewart. It is presented in ebook form for the purpose of reading convenience only, for which the original text was revised and adapted. Cover design, illustrations, layout and typesetting by Heiko Baumann © 2015 Commanderbond.net / Jacques Stewart / Heiko Baumann This ebook is not for sale but only available as a free download at Commanderbond.net. If you downloaded the ebook and want to give something in return, please make a donation to UNICEF (details can be found on our website), or any other cause of your personal choice. Casino Royale © Ian Fleming Publications Ltd 1953 | Live and Let Die © Ian Fleming Publications Ltd 1954 | Moonraker © Ian Fleming Publications Ltd 1955 | Diamonds are Forever © Ian Fleming Publications Ltd 1956 | From Russia With Love © Ian Fleming Publications Ltd 1957 | Dr. No © Ian Fleming Publications Ltd 1958 | Goldfinger © Ian Fleming Publications Ltd 1959 | For Your Eyes Only © Ian Fleming Publications Ltd 1960 | Thunderball © Ian Fleming Publications Ltd 1961 | The Spy Who Loved Me © Ian Fleming Publications Ltd 1962 | On Her Majesty’s Secret Service © Ian Fleming Publications Ltd 1963 | You Only Live Twice © Ian Fleming Publications Ltd 1964 | The Man With The Golden Gun © Ian Fleming Publications Ltd 1965 | Octopussy & The Living Daylights © Ian Fleming Publications Ltd 1966 | Devil May Care © Ian Fleming Publications Ltd 2008 This is not a serious experiment. It resolves nothing, and proves less. In seeking to establish what the 007th Chap- ters of the Bond books could expose as the core ingredients of such enterprises, come not expecting truth or revela- tion. It is better to travel hopefully than to arrive. The only fact that can be asserted of these brainbursts is that they are my opinions, but I might be lying about that, to tell the truth (or not). Nor are these pieces intended as a guide for aspiring writers of Bond – be they “official” or fan fiction. The latter category will glean noth- ing from this exercise; the Bond novels tend to have right good spelling and grammar. Plots. Characters. Big words. As far as those charged with filling remainder shops with licensed literary 007 go, they might just get depressed. 15 CHaptERS ON 007TH CHAPTERS Ian Fleming: 1 Casino Royale . 8 2 Live And Let Die . 24 3 Moonraker . 40 4 Diamonds Are Forever . 56 5 From Russia With Love . 72 6 Dr. No. 92 7 Goldfinger . 110 8 The 007th Paragraphs of For Your Eyes Only . 128 9 Thunderball . 150 10 The Spy Who Loved Me . 168 11 On Her Majesty’s Secret Service . 186 12 You Only Live Twice . 204 13 The Man with The Golden Gun . 222 14 The 007th Paragraphs of Octopussy & The Living Daylights . 242 ‘As Ian Fleming’ – Sebastian Faulks: 15 Devil May Care . 270 Click on the tip of the wedge in the opening illustrations to go back to this table of contents The 007th Chapter Volume One: Happenstance In memory of Ian Fleming, without whom the fictional characters of James Bond and Jacques Stewart would not have been created. This eBook was originally released in May 2015 to commemorate one hundred years since Ian Fleming’s 007th Birthday. I come to bury Fleming, not to praise him. :8J@EF IfpXc\$c\j$<Xlo YXidXe [i`eb Iflc\kk\ AXd\j=\c`o 9fe[ knf [ip d\Xjli\ Ziflg`\i D`jjCpe[ k_fljXe[ dXo`dld B`eXC`cc\k gcXp >fi[feËj j_Xb\ C\`k\i ^fYc\k C\:_`]]i\ be\n k_`eb clZb `Z\$Zfc[^`e d`cc\ c\dfe$g\\c IFL>< YXcc IFP8C<Xepk_`e^ kXYc\ DXik`e` cfjk e\m\i ZfeZ\ekiXk`e^ k_i\\ d`cc`fe ]iXeZj ^ff[ ^XdYc`e^ <K DXk_`j \m\e`e^ _le[i\[ mf[bX Z_XeZ\ :@8 f[[j _Xc] EF@I ZXi[j ]`]kp$]`]kp dfej`\li n`e _Xe[ Jacques Stewart was born in 1973 and educated at Eton. After a brief period at Top Man at Guildford he went abroad to waste his education. In 1994, having failed to be crowned Emperor of All Cress, he joined a Fiat Punto to a tree and amputated his left foot. During both Gulf Wars, he watched them on the telly. His wartime experiences provided him with first-hand knowledge of his expand- ing waistline. After the wars he continued as a self-employed menace with a private income. He bought his house, House, in Oxfordshire and there at the age of forty he wrote The 007th Minute, a meretricious e-book bitching about the films featuring Commander James Bond. By the time of his death in 2744, seven people had downloaded it and one had even finished it, disappointed. Dr No, the first film fea- turing James Bond and starring Sean Connery, was released in 1962 and is one he actually quite likes and the Bond films continue to be huge international successes despite what he or any other anony- mous human dust on the internet types about them. He is also the author of the magical children’s book You Were A Mistake. The opinions of Jacques Stewart were immediately recognised as total pus by his contemporaries 007izkewl, iluvpiersbrosmam and downloadtransformersfourherehotbabes. With the invention of James Bond, Ian Fleming created the greatest British fictional icon of the late twentieth century. That, you already knew. 9 THE 007TH CHAPTER This is not a serious experiment. It resolves nothing, and proves less. In seeking to establish what the 007th Chapters of the Bond books could expose as the core in- gredients of such enterprises, come not expecting truth or revelation. It is better to travel hopefully than to arrive. The only fact that can be asserted of these brainbursts is that they are my opinions, but I might be lying about that, to tell the truth (or not). Nor are these pieces in- tended as a guide for aspiring writers of Bond – be they “official” or fan fiction. The latter category will glean nothing from this exercise; the Bond novels tend to have right good spelling and grammar. Plots. Characters. Big words. As far as those charged with filling remainder shops with licensed literary 007 go, they might just get depressed. However, if you’re familiar with the Copyright, Design and Pat- ents Act 1988 (it’s a page-turner: crammed to overflow with hot babes and the car chase is fab), you’ll be aware that copyright in literary works persists until 31 December of the seventieth year af- ter the author’s death. Accordingly, in principle anyway, on 1 Jan- uary 2035, it’s open season on Ian Fleming’s works. In principle. It might be tricky – you’re welcome to try, if you’re still around and, as with the man himself, fancy litigation as a retirement plan. There’s the small matter of the continuation novels and short sto- ries, evidently created to better the cultural life of Planet Earth and not just preserve intellectual property rights (God forbid: tchoh!) and the equally splendid situation that the books now come with the deathly warning that James Bond and 007 are registered trade- marks of Danjaq LLC, used under licence by IFP (kind of them). Trademark protection only lasts ten years, but critically it’s renew- able (whereas, in so many ways, Ian Fleming is not, however many grave-based revolutions it is claimed he performs on hearing (despite being heavily death) of a blond Bond or an invisible car). Given the 10 CASINO ROyalE happy-go-lucky good-natured attitude to their intellectual property that Danjaq have often demonstrated to fan websites, one suspects they’ll send the form in on time.