<<

The Undergraduate Magazine Vol. V, No. 15 | March 21, 2005

Single Serving Asshole Lone Home State California Dreamin’ It’s the Inflation, Stupid! Shira shares her airborne angst: where’s Michael clicks his heels and journeys Rob urges McPenntrification- all the way Thuy differentiates love and the a flight attendant when you need one? back to a land before liberals to L.A. excitable bulge in your pants. Page 3 Page 4 Page 5 Page 8 GENERATION YAWN

LAUREN SAUL | WEEKLY SAULUTATIONS

EVERY WEEK OR TWO, many newspa- pers run a token story about problems unique to our generation. We are ob- sessed with our possessions, we can’t go anywhere without our precious iPods, some of us jump through ridiculously twisted hoops to gain acceptance into top universities, we take drastic and un- healthy measures for the sake of appear- ances… the list goes on. The media and our Baby Boomer parents gripe endlessly about our materialism and the plethora of emotional issues which afflict us. This reaction may be the result of a lack of potential complaints — after all, our generation is not the dope-smoking, anti-establishment group of rebels that our parents reminisce of being. We aren’t challenging the status-quo with the same pitch as they did when they were young, and so we fail to bring them the level of outrage they bestowed their parents. Our pathos, instead, is something no one ever would have imagined: the quest for per- fection. The illegal usage of drugs like Adderall is widely known. Unlike our parents, who used drugs for fun purposes and to relax, we also use them to speed ourselves up so we can be even more productive. Red Bull is also a readily available and heavily marketed product, especially at colleges. Unlike some of our mothers, who swore off bras and other constraining clothing, we commit painful acts to improve our appearance. The most “scandalous” high school sto- ries often involve hordes of suburban teenagers gathering at an empty house and drinking kegs of beer. Therefore, I say, we may as well face it: our generation just isn’t that cool. The Zach Morris character from life is gone, and he took his silly antics with him to TV purgatory. The replacement: reality TV and shows like The OC, where any physical flaw is forbidden. Would it be possible to imagine the debut of a show with Saved by the Bell’s kooky-looking cast now, in 2005? I think not. Stories about frantic actions to gain acceptance into college are also a relatively new phenomenon, MARIAN LEE something we were the first to be greeted with upon coming of age. WATER VILLAGE In the past, fewer kids endeavored to be a super-athlete, musician, president of everything, and star. A recent Times article described how the number of sports injuries has increased tenfold in the DESTINATION: SEX past decade, because children are specializing in a particular sport early on, and spending all their time developing their skill in that particular game so they will have a special talent by the time they ROZ PLOTZKER | SEX AND THE UNIVERSITY reach college. Gone is the notion of “just playing.” Here at Penn, the pursuit of improving one’s resume never FOR MY SPRING BREAK VACATION, two friends and I planned a cross-country road trip. The final destination: Great Sand Dunes National Park, Colorado. For ends. Eating disorders are a well known problem and are in some months we charted routes and researched oddities to see along the way, such as the cases institutionalized. And many of us work really hard to re- world’s second biggest ball of twine in Kansas, the largest office chair in Alabama, and ceive good grades, all cool kid pretensions aside. Sleeping is passé the Museum of Questionable Medical Devices. We budgeted, we made lists and phone — that time is better spent partying hard or studying endlessly. calls, we bought books. Then, two days before departure, we found a last minute spe- Best situation: tell people you are doing the former while you are cial on a fight to Trinidad, so we went there instead. actually holed up in your room, learning accounting terms. Penn Like hundreds of other college students, we found ourselves on an airplane headed students are known (and stereotyped) for their amazing abilities for some wonderful sunny shore that would trick our skin into getting a tan (or in my to drink copious amounts of alcohol so as to party as much as their case a burnt back side) at the end of winter. Spring break is a lucrative industry, like state school compatriots a few miles west, while at the same time diet schemes or Ivy League universities. People buy trip packages. You get a place to go, a place to stay, things to studying intensely to get that good job. Perfection is a challenge, do, and most importantly a way to get there. because it requires balance. Many people impressively manage to Come March, college students and girls waiting to go wild assail the airlines. With this boom in vacationers, maintain this heady equilibrium, even if it involves studying with a combined with a shift in who is vacationing , not just retirees on bird watching expeditions anymore, I bet there’s hangover. However, for some people, it is a tough act to follow. a spike in new Mile High Club memberships. No offense to retirees. I’m sure they have exciting, vivacious sex lives My recommendation: everyone needs to take a chill pill. It is too, but let’s face it, even if the bird watchers were adventurous enough to sneak into the closet of a bathroom for harder than ever to, with societal pressures and the Ivy League some action, arthritis or some other condition would make it difficult to maneuver the right angles, thrusts, etc. ethos, but we only live once. If you’re joining clubs only to write How does one have sex on an airplane? Here’s some advice the Sex Clearing House had to offer: “About 1/3 of the leadership position you’re currently trying to get on your re- the way into the flight, when they start to wheel the carts down the aisles with peanuts or beverages, have one per- sume, I strongly encourage you to such practices. Inter- son go to the bathroom … about two minutes later, the other person heads to the rest room too.” The cart means the flight attendants are busy, and that people are staying in their seats. “Person no. 2 enters with a secret knock viewers may sense how dull you really are, and such antics will not (planned beforehand). A quick Are you OK? statement upon entering helps [to keep people unsuspicious]. Once go unnoticed by fellow students. Studying is valuable in modera- inside, lock the door and get busy! Flush the toilet when you’re finished, and hey, clean up after yourselves. On the tion, especially if it is without the aid of prescription drugs, and so way back to your seats, hold hands and have person 2 say, Are you sure you’re okay?” is partying. Self-discipline is an invaluable asset for anyone going On this particular flight, I had no such luck playing sick for a quickie, nor did my travel mates, since we all left through life with goals and hopes, but if it stifles creativity and our boyfriends at home. Not that the thought hasn’t crossed my mind: “Sex on an airplane? Cool!” But then again, one’s sense of adventure, it may become hard to remember why we sex anywhere is kind of cool. Except under the button! This is not cool! Little kids play there, for goodness sake. bothered with such efforts at all. At times people would benefit A few summers ago, a friend of mine found out the code to get into Franklin Field. He’d worked with one of from an aimless walk through Philly, or an out-of-the-blue conver- the athletic departments. Access to Franklin Field in the summer is like having a key to your own private, well, sation with an unexpected person, even if important work must get football field for lack of a more creative name. A group of us made a bet on who could sneak in and score on the done, or making an appearance somewhere is a priority because 50-yard line first. I was a shoe in to win since the only other person with a significant other was in a long distance it’s Thursday night. Overachievement, whether it’s to maintain a Continued on PAGE 5 Continued on PAGE 6 PAGE 2 MARCH 21, 2005 | FIRST CALL | VOL. V NO. 15 FirstCall Editorial Vol. V, No. 15 | March 21, 2005 The Undergraduate Magazine ROCK ON, PHILADELPHIA Editor-in-Chief Robert Forman Though you might not know it from the near-total campus outrage with this year’s Spring Fling Concert line-up, Philadelphia and rock music actually do mix in a way quite unlike oil and vinegar. Editors Andrew Pederson Perhaps you’ve been living under a rock or on a tropical island for a week somewhere toward the be- Lauren Saul ginning of March, but Y100 is no more. Radio One, the parent company, took Y100 off the air due to poor Arbitron ratings in order to pave the way for rebranding and yet another local hip-hop rap Assistant Editor Anna Stetsovskaya station. Don’t get us wrong: we like these genre. We at First Call also like diversity and are not ready to Columnists live in “the biggest town in America without an station,” to paraphrase the catch line Shira Bender Christine Chen on www.y100rocks.com. The website is a chimera of grand proportions, featuring a dedicated radio Robert Forman streaming section mirroring the DJs and playlists from 100.3 FM, a petition (Save Y-100), a press ar- Adam Goldstein chives with stories about the protests and said-petition, and a band support section with articles from Julie Gremillion James Houston and shoutouts from bands like , Garbage, and Penn’s own Off the Beat. Mickey Jou Not since 2003’s protest against the war in Iraq have we seen Philadelphia residents and college Michael Patterson students so passionate about something other than elections and football. Rock, it appears, rocks. Or Andrew Pederson Roz Plotzker at least it’s trying to, despite some hefty opposition. For every fan of The Faint or Franz Ferdinand on Lauren Saul campus, it seems there are nine people who want nothing more than to listen to 50 Cent make “subtle” Anna Strongin references to oral sex. To Penn students angry about Sonic Youth et al blemishing the tradition of Thuy Tran rap and hip-hop acts who annually grace our stage while shouting expletives about rich white kids Writers (thanks, Busta), First Call kindly asks you to shut up. Anonymous XX You haven’t heard of Sonic Youth, although of the headliners the past three years only Sonic Youth Anonymous XY can boast a guest stint on The Simpsons. Apparently you don’t like them. Some people on campus Artists might. No one in the First Call office does, mind you, but chances are someone in the undergraduate Shira Bender population, a Sonic Youth fan exists. The best way to tell SPEC you’re unhappy with the selection is Jay Kim to boycott the event by not buying a ticket. It’s Spring Fling; there will be many opportunities to get Photographer wasted. Don’t waste your time and money in Wynn Commons booing professional musicians. Marian Lee Though we don’t necessarily approve of SPEC’s headliner, we applaud the change to rock music in Layout Editor light of the Y100 fiasco described above. We might have suggested a band students had heard of—The Krystal Godines Postal Service, , Green Day, Coldplay, and any of the multitude of pop-punk bands currently “in” and prominently featured on The OC. We also question the point of a recent survey in Business Managers Alex Chacon which Penn students were asked to suggest three bands for the Fling concert… clearly the polled ad- Greg Lysko vice wasn’t taken. There is a silver lining to this all. One, Citizen Cope is an excellent live musician, so make it to the Marketing Manager Leah Karasik concert for the opening acts. Two, illegal downloads of the three bands’ here-to-unknown songs will skyrocket on campus—and maybe people will find a use for their iTunes winnings from Diet Pepsi Marketing Staff bottle caps. Lauren Saul Anna Strongin

Advertising Staff Ruchi Desai JULIE GREMILLION | SOUND ADVICE

Webmaster Julie presents the old, the new Rachit Shukla and the diehard favorites Contact Information 330 Jon M. Huntsman Hall 3730 Walnut Street Philadelphia, PA 19104 RETRO REWIND IN STEREO EDITORIAL ADVICE (215) 898-3200 “Evil” “Goodnight Goodnight” [email protected] “You Don’t Have to Say You Love Me” Dusty Springfield Interpol Hot Hot Heat Web Site Now I’m a pretty decent fan of Interpol, es- I admit I was reading Spin, a magazine I clubs.wharton.upenn.edu/fcpaper For the short-sighted folks who think Emi- nem was the first white guy gone black, let pecially since this is their second single about don’t really like, but what else do you do me introduce Dusty Springfield, a white fe- which I’ve written. I think their music has a when stuck on a bus going to North Jersey? Blog relatively unique sound in a sea of conformity, One of their recommendations was this al- http://fcpaper.blogspot.com male musician from , who tore up the charts throughout the sixties with her blend a sound accented by the interesting quality of legedly great song; I should have known lead singer Paul Banks’ voice. While not im- better when the song below it was a song Submissions of British pop and American soul. Some- times called The White Negress or The White mediately popular with their initial , from a “Canadian neo-folkie” who “strums Email letters to the editors and Interpol has taken the rock world by storm, and swears herself blue”. Hot Hot Heat is guest submissions to Lady of Soul, Dusty blended , blues, and pop to form a unique sound that comple- being recently featured on the cover of Spin billed as Canada’s top band [email protected]. Magazine. One of the few interesting tidbits and has been relatively popular on college Students, please include your mented her rich, smoky voice. She grew up listening to jazz and blues with her father from an otherwise unsurprisingly Spin article campuses. Their new album Elevator will school and class. th and developed a deep admiration for Peggy is that drummer Sam Fogarino “grew up in be released on on April 5 and Lee, but after working with various groups, hard-ass West Philadelphia”. How’s that will highlight the third track “Goodnight Editorial Policy she became a solo artist and began exploring for local Philly pride. “Evil” doesn’t depart Goodnight” as the first single. The song First Call is the undergraduate magazine from Interpol’s basic sound but does have isn’t terrible; it has a driving drum beat, fast- of The University of Pennsylvania. First her passionate love of blues. Her hits in the an interesting rhythm over the course of the paced lyrics and that renewed garage band Call is published every Monday. Our UK and America included “Stay Awhile”, “I mission is to provide members of the Just Don’t Know What to Do with Myself”, song, quieting down at times before rising to sound. My problem is that Hot Hot Heat community an open forum for express- and the very famous “Son of a Preacher Man”. the attacking chorus. I had the unfortunate is essentially a cross-breeding of Green Day ing ideas and opinions. To this end, we, “You Don’t Have to Say You Love Me” was her experience of seeing the video for “Evil” on and The Strokes, with a few more Strokes the editors of First Call, are committed biggest hit in the UK and displays her signa- MTVU this morning, and I think I’m still chromosomes than Green Day. If the song to a policy of not censoring opinions. ture 60s sound. What will amaze you is the scarred by it hours later. The basic premise were slightly more refined, you would not be Articles are provided by regular colum- number of songs written originally by Dusty is a horrible car accident and a girl, presum- able to determine whether you were listening nists and writers. They are chosen for ably “Rosemary”, who is extremely messed up to The Strokes or Hot Hot Heat. And yet, publication based on the quality of writ- that have been covered by other artists. The by the accident. The singer in this case is a oddly enough, The Strokes is conspicuously ing and, in the case of commentaries, the short list includes “Wishin’ and Hopin’”, “I quality of argumentation. Outside of the Only Want to Be with You”, “Tell Him”, “Will Crank Yankers-esque puppet character who missing in ’s list of other artists fans weekly editorial and other editorial con- You Love Me Tomorrow” and “You’ve Really has a very disturbing face. It may be some- of Hot Hot Heat enjoy. Frankly, I’m extraor- tent, no article represents the opinion of Got a Hold on Me”. What’s also remarkable thing different from “Slow Hands” and from dinarily tired of the garage band reinvention, First Call, its editorial board, or individ- is how many Motown artists eventually re- the new trend of rewinding smashed things particularly since most people think its ual members of First Call other than the recorded her songs. It would be a shame not so they end up put back together in their “new”. The 70s and its music still exist even author. No content in First Call unless to possess any of her songs in their original original form by the end of the video (how though you weren’t born yet; you have an otherwise stated represents the official clever), but it’s still creepy. Avoid the video obligation to be informed! If you’re one of position of the administration, faculty, form, so hop to it! at all costs. many caught up in this trend, you’ll enjoy the or student body at large of the Wharton School or the University of Pennsylvania. song, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Next issue: March 28, 2005 MARCH 21, 2005 | FIRST CALL | VOL. V NO. 15 PAGE 3 NADINE, AIRPLANES, AND SWEET, SWEET HATRED

SHIRA BENDER | IN ALL SHIRIOUSNESS SHE SHUT HER WINDOW the the middle of the upper east side of Manhattan – the closest next to a friend of hers. Thank god for that. I hate sitting second she sat down. Who does I ever came to anyone past France on the globe before com- next to people I don’t know on airplanes. In fact, I hate that? If you get the window ing to Penn was probably at the Kosher sushi place on 42nd airplanes period. I hate that moment of bumpiness while seat on an airplane, you cherish and 7th – and I’m pretty sure they were Jewish too. you’re going through the clouds, I hate when the captain it. I’m guessing she probably The captain just turned on the seatbelt sign since we’re tells you how high above the ground you are, I hate know- never grew up with siblings beginning our descent, so she had to put the tray table back ing that when I was little, if the oxygen masks came down, whose very purpose in life up. She’s holding the ginger-ale now, and I’m pretty much I would always get them second. I hate knowing that the the moment a bathrooms never quite lock and that the vacation rolled peanuts will never taste good no matter around was how many times I try them and that the to obtain the kosher meal will always be some form of almighty win- watery chicken and soggy peas. I hate Na- dow throne. After a couple of minutes, out dine. She currently embodies all that I can- came the ipod, newest edition, but none of not stand about this airborne death-trap, that mini-shuffling-neon green craziness and she doesn’t even know it. I should feel kids are into these days. I watched her for bad for this unwarranted animosity, but a couple more moments, still in shock over somehow, I just don’t. I almost feel like her window faux-pas, but eventually she fell she deserves it. Am I losing it? Does this asleep, at which point she slumped down in happen to other people? Does everyone get her seat and knocked her ipod to the floor. these moments of random and pointless Nothing changed after that so I turned my hatred of another person? Maybe this is a attentions elsewhere. I had never yet seen sign. Maybe I have this intrinsic ability to Memento, and seeing as my friend and I had judge someone’s character based on their two copies of the DVD, two laptops, and a brown/blue sweater and acne constella- headphone splitter, this was not going to tions. Maybe she’s truly a bad person, and be another missed opportunity to finally I’m just picking up on that vibe. Or maybe watch it and be able to take part in all those I’m just being entirely unfair and childish. pseudo-intellectual conversations people This doesn’t happen often, I’m usually have about the film so that they can tell not a very judgmental person, at least not themselves they’re highly intelligent beings when I’ve never even met someone before, who miraculously figured out the ending but every now and then, people like Na- like, 20 minutes before it was over. dine appear in my life while I’m on an air- Well, that’s done with. Good movie, but plane 5 million miles above solid ground; I certainly not without its weak spots. Hey can’t stop staring and wondering whether guess what, he killed his own wife. Anyway, I’m right about her. I can still see the top back to my friend over by the window, I of her head a few rows ahead of me. Every think I’ll call her Nancy. No, Nadine. Nadine now and then it disappears completely and is currently reading The English Patient then pops back up again. Why does that while sipping on some Ginger Ale that the bother me? Why can’t I stand her? What’s stewardess brought her about an hour ago, wrong with me? Wait, she’s getting out of and listening to her ipod. Her window’s back open, but only waiting for her to spill it on herself. I don’t have anything her seat. She’s walking back. She’s – because I opened it while she was in the bathroom, for the against the girl; it would just be pretty entertaining, that’s “Hey, Shira.” second time. She’s wearing a brown zip-up sweatshirt with all. Actually I kind of do have something against her, I’m not “Um…hi? Do I know you?” two white racer stripes down each sleeve, baby blue lines going to lie. From the window-closing to the pimple-picking “Yea, I wasn’t sure at first if it was you, but we’re in along the edges, and some sort of elaborate design in the to the getting up twice in the flight and making me move all COMM together. My name’s Nancy…you lent me your notes middle which I can’t quite make out though I suspect it’s my stuff around so she can get through – what can I say, I’m in the beginning of the semester.” some sort of Abercrombie imitation. She’s got a bit of an acne a judger. “Nancy! Woah! I completely forgot!” problem. Well, a lot a bit of an acne problem, and she keeps Nadine and I, along with three of my friends from “Yea… Sorry I didn’t get them back to you in time for rubbing her face and picking at it, which happens to be one school and the rest of the people on this airplane are on our the midterm. Anyway, I was on my way to the bathroom. of the grossest things a person can watch. Not only that, but way back to Philadelphia from Oakland, California. We’re See ya.” she’s doing the thing where she picks at it and then looks at making a stop in Chicago, but I have a feeling she’ll stay on “K…see ya…” her fingers and rubs them against each other, as if she’s ex- the plane with us for the rest of the trip, as she looks too Thanks for that moment of justification, Nancy. And amining the treasure she has just unearthed from within the comfortable to be thinking of getting off the plane in a few you’re not welcome for the COMM notes. Biatch. depths of her skin. ::Shudder.:: Dark brown hair, Asian, but minutes. Speaking of which, the stewardess is glaring at me, I’m not going to attempt to specify where in that continent so I’ll have to continue this after we land, since my laptop she hails from since I honestly can’t tell that sort of thing. might make us crash into something. Sorry, is that something I’m not supposed to put in writing? Nadine left me. During our 20-minute break on the Shira Bender is a freshman in the College. You can write to her at Well, what can I say, I grew up in a Jewish private school in ground in Chicago, she switched her seat to a few rows up, shiratb@sas. Critically Inform. Signed up for too many activities and wound up doing nothing? Wanted to get involved in a campus publication, but didn’t know how? It’s never too late. First Call, the Undergraduate Magazine, is always looking for new members:

• Writers • Artists • Photographers • Layout • Marketing/ Sales

Come to our weekly meetings and participate. Mondays 9pm, Huntsman Hall Room G86

Submissions due Wednesdays at midnight. No application or experience necessary. PAGE 4 MARCH 21, 2005 | FIRST CALL | VOL. V NO. 15 DESPITE EVERYTHING, STILL A TEXAN MICHAEL PATTERSON | OUT OF THE FOLD

OVER SPRING of an experience she had being a nanny I will purchase a large plot of land, with a of the Texas Hill Country, the sun hung in- BREAK, I years ago for a gay male couple’s child. Upon ranch house (except fully equipped with credibly low in the evening sky, igniting the returned to describing one element of the experience or , modern technology, etc...) Perhaps clouds above it this deep, chardonnay-red Texas for some another, without regard to the sexual orien- by the time I’m 67, the culture will even have color that I have yet to see anywhere else. much needed tation of the child’s parents, the professor R&R. Many asked the class what their thoughts were. A people remain young woman raised her had, and proceed- surprised that ed to say, “First off, I don’t think two faggots I still occasion- should be adopting and raising children.” ally go there, I was troubled, to say the least, when I much less for heard what the girl said. I can’t say I was my Spring Break. They say things like, “Mi- surprised, however. chael, how can you like hanging out with There certainly are other students at conservatives?” or “don’t you feel uncomfort- Penn who come from environments less able there, being gay around a bunch of red- than conducive to who they are. We have neck southerners?” Many people have this people from the former Yugoslav, refugees construct of Texas, and many other places in from the ethnic cleansing against Muslims general, that often seem less than fair. from the early 1990’s, some with whom I There are a lot of things about going to have spoken expressing a strong desire to go Penn that I like and will certainly miss when back someday. These are people who had to I graduate in May. The student body is more flee a nation which, at the time, was bent on or less liberal — certainly the faculty is. It is destroying their very culture. Yet still, it is situated in a rather large city with no short- home to them. age of places to go. Also Penn, unlike many My freshman year, I had a friend in a schools, really pampers the students here, similar situation, except this time, his family making even those of us not used to such was from pre-Taliban Afghanistan, having treatment a bit spoiled. I mean, come on fled to the U.S. when the country became the — where else can you get awesomely deli- human rights nightmare the Taliban made cious smoothies in the library while you do it. In the twenty-some years since leaving, your homework? his parents have built a life, careers, have Yet despite the discomfort that much had children, and have made new friends. of Texan culture still brings to me, and the Yet after the nation was freed, more or less at great liberal wonder that is the Northeast, I least, from the Taliban, they began discuss- was very much ready for my flight back to ing going back for extended periods of time changed enough in Texas that people won’t Not only was the view stunning, but it the Lone Star State two weeks ago. to help rebuild it. take a second look when they find out that the was warm, nice and warm. No coat, no scarf, The first night back in Dallas, however, I Perhaps it shouldn’t be considered so other person I share the place with is a man. no gloves. was bluntly reminded of some aspects of the strange that those who grew up in places less I hope they won’t care. Perhaps we all must culture that still exists that initially drove me than ideal for them would want to return. eventually return to that place from which to leave Texas for college. Sitting over dinner, It’s hard to grow up somewhere, no matter we came. And if you can’t go back physi- an old high school friend of mine was telling where it happens to be, and leave without cally, you can at least go there in your heart. me about a class of hers, and how just the taking a part of it with you. Last week, on my way between Dallas and previous week, her professor (something to I may never return to Texas to live per- Austin, I sat there staring at the passing Michael Patterson is a senior in the College. You do with education) was informing the class manently, but if I do, I’ll go there to retire. scenery. Over this great, gorgeous expanse can write him at mjp2@sas. CONGRATULATIONS!

First Call reader Hank Balbirer predicted 16 of 24 Oscar recipients correctly from the 77th Annual Academy Awards, and will receive a DVD copy of the winner of Best Picture: Million Dollar Baby when it is released.

Thanks for reading, Hank, and thanks to everyone to who participated in Rob’s Oscar Contest! Keep your eyes out for more First Call contests!

Haiku Corner

Beneath fevered beams Spin amid gossamer wings And soft, glow unseen

Indignant dolphins Leaping over frothy waves When will layout end?

Two nudist seniors Frolic on the breezy shore Pass the sedative

Sexy girls unite Out will come the flippy skirts again When the sun returns

Critically informed Batman dominates us all Overpriced sandwich

Weeeeeeeeeeee! -The First Call Editors- MARCH 21, 2005 | FIRST CALL | VOL. V NO. 15 PAGE 5 CALL FOR LIGHTS, CAMERA, ACTION ROB FORMAN | MY 13-INCH BOX

IT IS PERHAPS Anticipating this dilemma, I asked the specifically the Annenberg School—does not cal” anyway, so knowing when to use a wide conventional assistants and Human Resource people have a program in . Joke all you lens or a deep focus—or even knowing the to write about who interviewed me about their company’s want about it, but Penn alums (aka the Penn terms—wouldn’t necessarily help. The Whar- Spring Break for current and past interns. What did they Mafia) run a good portion of the entertain- ton Undergraduate Division finally offered an the first post- do about housing? Shock of shocks, many ment industry. It’s not all Wharton grads Entertainment and Media Marketing course break issue of are out in Los Angeles during the Spring or Communications majors, if you think this semester—a lecture whose enrollment First Call, but semester through internship programs with a specific background might be necessary. was maxed out and had to reject about half I’m going to do their schools, and not just Los Angeles based So… what about us current students? In an of the students who showed up for the first it anyway. My institutions. industry that session hoping to get in off the wait list—but Spring Break was Boston Uni- demands prior it’s a far cry from the numerous courses and not conventional versity, North- Joke all you want about work experience established programs other schools have. by any means, though it certainly had the w e s t e r n , for an assistant There is interest on campus. I’m not just trappings of the typical collegiate week-long Ithaca, and it, but Penn alums (aka the position and is blowing steam because I, myself, have been vacation. Warmth? Check. Sun? Yep. Not many other infamous for be- slighted, though that’s certainly a part of it. near my parents? On the other coast. With schools have Penn Mafia) run a good ing about “who Penn has the connections in the business. It a friend from college? You bet. While it may programs in you know,” why just doesn’t have the real estate in Los Ange- sound like I went with my fraternity broth- SoCal avail- portion of the entertainment not help current les, and isn’t looking. But wait! USC has an ers for a fun-in-the-sun and night-life-loving able to their Penn students Annenberg School. There has to be a way stay in the Dominican Republic, I was in fact Communica- industry. out? to set up some sort of cross-school program in Los Angeles interviewing in “the biz” for tions students One look at to hammer out some efficiency. Precedent summer internships. Hey, it beats going back (or others who apply) during regular term se- our Communications program might eluci- has been set for allowing students to attend home to Princeton. mesters and the summer. They take a couple date an answer. Compared to Northwestern’s other domestic universities for a semester, No, I’m not here to regale you with the of classes, do two or three days at an intern- Department of Radio, Television and Film, considering we have an “abroad” program successes or haven’t-heard-back-froms of my ship, and build a resume while the university Penn’s Annenberg School is highly theo- in Washington, D.C. True, I wouldn’t relish trip— though I’ve got to say, the Arrested De- provides a roof. retical and pretty much shuns the practical. taking a course over the summer or paying velopment Best Comedy Series Emmy is awe How convenient! These others schools Northwestern’s RTF program is only a por- tuition while at an unpaid internship, but it inspiring in person. I will neither expose the were doing all the work, and I could just tion of its Communications school, but Penn would show that Penn is trying. inner-workings of various HR departments leech onto their student pricing deals with has no equivalent beyond a few of Professor Until then, I’m surfing Los Angeles’ nor provide tips on getting and conduct- apartment complexes! Not. After contacting Messaris’ courses and a select handful of Fine Craigslist for summer sublets. ing your own interviews for the glory of the the school-specific programs, it became clear Arts filmmaking seminars. unpaid entertainment industry internship. to me that housing was just that: school spe- Other Communications programs have Suffice it to say I did get an offer I intend to cific. My not attending Northwestern means some practical elements to their curricula, as accept. This provides a significant problem I can’t share in its students’ benefits. well, and production courses certainly aren’t for an East Coast resident who only has rela- Okay, I get that. It sucks, but I understand. the whole business, a fact which other schools Robert Forman is a junior in Wharton. You can tives in Northern California: housing. I don’t understand, however, why Penn—and recognize. Most internships won’t be “practi- write to him at robertf@wharton. THE CHOSEN

BY ANONYMOUS XX AND ANONYMOUS XY

CORPORATE AMERICA DESCENDED upon campus, and tion Whartonite with connections. You may wonder what his guess straight Ds in the Wharton Core Curriculum can’t help within a week it had infiltrated all aspects of the Wharton GPA is, but the better question should be, “Does it matter?” If him now. Maybe daddy has to provide a little encourage- mentality. Throughout the following week, Whartonites something goes wrong, daddy will be very angry, and then he ment. dressed in “business casual” to pay due homage to the demi- makes a quick phone call. Those recruiters clearly don’t know Liz barely made it to the interview and only had a minute gods of Wall Street in whatever manner was appropriate; be what they’re doing and won’t have a job next year because of to re-check her hair. She was very enthusiastic but a combina- it weaseling a business card and harassing recruiters or the their incompetence and poor taste. Blake’s primary interests tion of malapropisms and verbosity may hurt her chances. ceremonial sacrifice of a goat. Whartonites will stop at noth- include partying, showing off his wealth, PARTYING, thou- John might as well change his last name to Doe. ing to get that “perfect” internship: to be the Chosen One at sand-dollar wines, PARTYING, and weekends in New Hamp- As predicted, the I-bankers realized they had found one Wharton. shire with his Tri-Delt girlfriend Lara. of their own in Ameya, who was re-assimilated into the land A steady stream of manic paranoia, with just a hint of We couldn’t get a hold of our third contestant Liz, since in which numbers defy reality. X. Blake Malcolm IV got an Wharton arrogance, rang throughout the sacred halls of she’s booked solid with classes and overnight trips to New internship offer at his daddy’s company, Cantor Fitzgerald. Huntsman: York for grueling five-round interviews. Beginning the semes- Yeah nepotism! Liz ended up with three different job offers, “Oh did you e-mail the UBS recruiter?” ter with 80 OCR applications submitted, she accomplished perhaps now she can quit talking about internships to the less “The corporate culture at Bain fits perfectly with my per- the impossible: 25 first round interviews, 5 second round fortunate. John ended up in Nebraska working for a small sonality.” interviews, a deep hatred towards those snotty Princeton regional bank. “I would just die for an internship with Goldman.” students, and 0 final offers. Her motto is “OMG, let me check And you can see, boys and girls, we are all winners and “Did you see how many people were at the Morgan Stan- PennLink again. Why can’t those geniuses with multiple of- losers. So once you have an internship offer, treasure it in your ley presentation?” fers just decide and let the alternates have a chance? It seems heart and don’t conveniently bring it up in every conversation “Wasn’t that recruiter’s nervous tick distracting?” like everybody is so busy with interviews.” (“Oh so what are you doing this summer?”). Good luck this “Oh, I screwed up my interview sooo badly, I completly Finally we introduce the underdog contestant John, summer and come back to campus raring for Round 2: Job blanked on what a trade-weighted exchange rate was.” who only has one shot at landing a coveted OCR I-banking Market. And now to our main event: the 30-minute sell-your- internship. John is distinguished by his total indistinguish- The writers would like to offer our sincerest apologies to the soul-to-I-banking interview. Let’s meet our contestants: ability. He makes vanilla look exciting. Since his GPA is only memory of Chaim Potok, who in all honestly did not need his Ameya is a New Jersey junior with finance and OPIM con- average, he’s going to have to rock the interview. Perhaps his modern classic work on the restrictions of Orthodox Judaism centrations. Unfortunately, he only has a 3.94 (yeah...you’re group leadership, as Treasurer and Founder of the M&A Club, to be befouled with the stench of internship season. We hope off by a tenth man...bummer). After waking up, yet again, at which he started this year, will finally pay off. The value of the that he will keep in mind that someday these Whartonites will Huntsman, he returns home for a daily dose of the Family $160,000 education at Penn is on the line; if he fails, I guess be free...hopefully before they drive us insane. Guy and Japanese video games targeted at 15 year olds. He the internship with the Bureau of Personnel in South Dakota may have time to brush his teeth and take a shower in be- is looking sweeter every moment. All characters are fictitious; any resemblance is purely tween checking shocks and daydreaming about his $100,000 And now for the judging. coincidental. starting salary. In the future, he aspires to become the next Ameya did well in all practical aspects, and since his Warren Buffet and guarantee Wharton admission to his dy- personality is under-developed, he fits perfectly with the ma- nasty by donating his own personal Wharton building. chine-like qualities I-banking is looking for. Anonymous XX and Anonymous XY. You can write to them at X. Blake Malcolm IV is the quintessential fourth-genera- X. Blake Malcolm IV faired terribly in the interview; I [email protected]

SEX Continued from PAGE 1 they were in the ocean swim trunks came off and they did couldn’t hold back; also maybe a playful daredevil or even an their duet right there in broad daylight. You thought kids pee- exhibitionist who revels in the risk of getting caught. relationship. But! By a tragic twist of fate, the long distance ing in the pool was bad. In the end, no matter where you are, you’re doing sweetheart visited soon after, and I lost the bet. I sometimes wonder, though, what if you did plan it the same thing. If you’re a human being who has done it in It’s kind of comforting to know that sexual urges can out. If you had to have sex in Van Pelt, which section would a bed (or anywhere else), you have done the same activity as overpower thoughts like Here?!? But that’s so inappropriate. you choose? Reference? Periodicals? Eastern Literature? any Mile-High-er. There is nothing that separates you from In a sense, when ya gotta go, ya gotta go. This was not the case Rosengarten Reserve? What about in FroGro? The produce them. But to join any prestigious club, there are prerequisites, in the Franklin Fiend Fiasco. However, planned spontaneity is a little out in the open, but something about the candy sec- and rules are rules. You can’t just sign up for the list serve and is lame and not nearly as funny as what comes out of real tion in the back with the bread and the soda just feels cheap. consider yourself a member. 5280 Feet. Minimum. Officially. spontaneity. Plus, I’m bitter that I lost. My friend Lindsay How about in the Museum of Archeology and Anthropology? Personally, when the food cart came by a third of the – who I write about a lot because 1) she’s done hilarious things It wouldn’t be too difficult to find privacy there on a weekday, way into the flight to Trinidad, I was perfectly happy with my in her sex life, and 2) she lets me write about whatever I want or weekend, or any other time. You’d just have to be careful kosher meal and a ginger ale. – dated a leather worker who she met working at a Renais- about making noise. The echoes are terrible in that building. sance Fair. Or was it a Faire? Anyway, eventually she ended up Someone might think a mummy had risen from the dead. bent over his workbench in a heat of passion. Another friend, It’s funny that “location location location” is a big Roz Plotzker is a senior in the College. You can write to her at who we’ll call Cher, went on a vacation with Sonny, and while deal. It either signals an uncontrollable sex drive – you just rosalyn@sas. PAGE 6 MARCH 21, 2005 | FIRST CALL | VOL. V NO. 15 STONE ON IN BEST BETS SECRECY 3/21 - 3/27 A N N A S T R O N G I N | A T A S T E O F M E D I C I N E

THE OTHER DAY , my roommate the PPE superstar vol - Rob’s TV picks for the week unteered to attend the taping of “Justice Talking,” an NPR Monday: The Osbournes (MTV, 10:30 p.m.) Remember when Ozzy and his clan were program. Afterward, I got an excited phone call from her the big ges t thing on TV since Regis and his monochrome ties? Well, that mass popular- telling me how much I would have enjoyed the show since ity trailed off and Nick & Jessica took their place, but this Monday’s airing is the series it was all about boring medical and healthcare issues. She finale of the show. Once more, for old times’ sake… SHARON!!!!!!!!!! mentioned that medical marijuana was among the things discussed, which got me thinking about the subject. On the one hand, there is something intrinsically un - Tue sday: The Shield “Grave” (FX, 10 p.m.) I don’t care if some critics thought adding comfortable about legalizing a substance that has been Glenn C lose to this show’s cas t was a mis take… the ole’ gal rocks! I’m jus t happy this illegal for as long as can be remembered. But on the other series bucked the trend almos t e very show in its fourth season has used to gain more hand, it is hard to disregard the people who are suf fering from chronic pain associ - vie wers: res tarting itself and getting rid of pesky detailed backs tory. It’s nice to have ated with tumors and multiple sclerosis as well as nausea related to chemotherapy some continued payoff with regard to the Armenian mone y train, Ace vada’s rape, C lau- — some forms of which are alleviated exclusively by marijuana. In fact, two California dette’s moral detective work, and the broken relationships between the e x-Strike Team women sued the government for the right to legally use marijuana as a painkiller, a members. I jus t wish Danny and Julien would get more air time while C lose’s character right granted by the state of California, but overruled by the federal authorities. es tablishes herself. Clearly, then, there is a very legitimate basis for medical use of the drug, which neither proponents nor opponents deny. However, this is not enough of a reason to Wedne sday: Alias “The Orphan” (ABC, 9 p.m.) Oh, if only I could recommend two simply legalize the drug and convert it into a prescription medication. shows ne xt Wednesday. Alas, I re fuse to re veal anything about the show that has sup- Doing so would confer positive qualities to something that for the most part planted ne xt week’s Alias episode featuring Marshall—finally—in all his insane geeky is far from positive. As of now, 50% of the population has tried marijuana at least goodness. Trus t me, ne xt week’s Wednesday pick is worth it. This week helps e xplain once—and that’s with the knowledge that it is illegal and considered “bad.” So if the some of Nadia’s unknown pas t, which can only mean bad things for current love interes t drug were made legal for medical purposes, people would be more prone to starting Agent Eric “I’m giddy like a middle-schooler” Weiss. up or expanding their marijuana use, simply because of the positive association they will make in their minds. Thursday: The Office: An American Workplace “Pilot” (NBC, 9:30 p.m.) NBC jus t Such is reality, before even considering the fact that legalizing medical marijuana doesn’t learn. While the translation of The Office from BBC isn’t nearly as hideous as will simply expand its availability. Since it would not be legal for everyone, drug deal - las t season’s Coupling fiasco, there are too many problems with the American version ers would continue prospering in to actually be e xcited. Which is a shame, because Ricky Gervais and company did such their trade. But in addition to that, a great job in the original show. At leas t the firs t episode bears great resemblance to its As of now, 50% of the now there will be another channel British counterpart. for drug attainment—one that is legal but abused. The fact that such Friday: Kojak “Pilot” (USA, 9 p.m.) The firs t of two reinventions on this week’s recom- population has tried abuse will occur is quite likely, as mendations, USA has put together a pretty decent version of the 1970s cop show. It’ll any college student with five exams normally run on Sundays at 10 p.m. And, yes, the man s till loves his lollipops. marijuana at least in two days will tell you, as he or she pops another pill of Adderall (or was Saturday: Little House on the Prairie (ABC, 8 p.m.) The firs t two hours of the Alphabet once -- and that’s it Ritalin?) network’s miniseries update of the classic and ine xplicably long running show. He y, it’s Clearly, legalizing marijuana only Saturday, you wanted me to recommendLAX burn-off on NBC? with the knowledge within a specific context will do far more harm than good. If people are Sunday: Desperate Housewives “The Ladies Who Lunch” (ABC, 9 p.m.) Whoops! Sorry that it is illegal and so set on being able to use the drug about telling you all this episode would be on las t Sunday. That’s what happens when I for medical purposes, they might as have to talk about scheduling three weeks in advance. This episode features a lice out- considered “bad.” well fight for legalizing the drug al - break, se wage woes, a ne w single man on the s treet for Susan and Edie to battle over, together. This way, there would be a and Maisy Gibbons. That’s right, Ms. Dominatrix is getting arres ted, which means her single channel for drug attainment clients—including Bree’s husband—are going to have some bad press. (preferably one controlled by the government), but its use need not be promoted. Physicians can recommend it to their individual patients, but the overall message If You Can Only Watch One: Desperate Housewives. sent out by the government can be one of discouragement and warnings against regu - lar (or any) use of the drug—basically approaching marijuana with the same attitude as alcohol and cigarettes. Such a shift is unlikely to increase the use of the drug any more than would le - galizing medical marijuana. Plus, the government would be putting numerous drug YAWN dealers out of business, as well as pocketing a pretty hefty profit that could go toward Continued from PAGE 1 research of cancer and MS, so that ultimately, people suf fering from the condition would not need to rely on marijuana for pain relief. reputation or to live up to parental expectations, has become a problem. Its ef fects But if that’s an uncomfortable concept for proponents of medical marijuana, the rear their ugly head every time another person has to fight some form of compulsive other alternative is to promote research on its medicinal properties with the specific behavior pattern, and no college student is left ignorant about such vulnerability for focus on the chemicals in the drug responsible for pain relief. These chemicals could long. We only live once, and even self-improvement can be taken too far. then be isolated and made into a potent pain medication without having an individ - Every once in awhile, I wish someone would run into Huntsman with a clown ual consume all the other chemicals that make up marijuana but have no beneficial costume and an entourage of Screech Powers and AJ Slater, slide down those forum value. steps with loud music playing, and walk around as if it’s those days of slacking in While this may be a longer and far more expensive endeavor than simple legaliza - the early 90s. Maybe one day, ordinary slacking and fun will come back into vogue, tion, in the long run it could prove to be the more ef fective option. If the government to replace a TV and world filled with boring clones having the same old drama as chooses to fund research on the drug, in a few years we may have a new pill on our always. Television needs to take a step back from the Dawson’s Creek-inspired, hands that doesn’t just work in individual cases, but helps fight illness symptoms on verbose, pseudo-intellectual diatribes on life’s heart-wrenching pain. Teenagers on a mass scale. Perhaps, it will be a less addictive and more powerful version of Oxy - TV should return to scuf fles with Mr. Belding, instead of the endless overdoses of Contin, or perhaps it will be an entirely novel drug for alleviating chemotherapy side intensity provided by the WB and other networks. Too many of us are going down ef fects. a path devoid of lightheartedness. I implore the over-ambitious, who are becoming This all is yet to be determined. But one thing is clear: of all existing options, le - blander by the day, to realize a sad truth: this way of life will surely lead to piles of galizing medical marijuana is the least practical and beneficial choice. money and certain kinds of prestige, but it may not lead to much else. Which of the others is better? As you light up your next joint, think about it and let me know.

Anna Strongin is a junior in the College. You can write to her at astrongi@sas. L a u re n S a u l is a sophomore dualing in the WHollege. You can write to her at lcsaul@wharton.

our dose of weekly wisdom firstcallismDEAR HARNWELL RESIDENTS, NO HOT WATER? HAUL ASS TO THE SCHUYLKILL! LOVE, J-RO AND HACKNEY MARCH 21, 2005 | FIRST CALL | VOL. V NO. 15 PAGE 7 JAMES HOUSTON | THIS MACHINE KILLS FASCISTS First Call’s Weekly Album Reviews

The Mars Volta, Tori Amos, The Beekeeper , Rejoicing in the Hands is Since her Just like I envy the best young band early days as anyone who sees in the world. Implicit heiress apparent Psycho for the first in every note played to Joni Mitchell, time with no idea is a confident promise pinning down why “The Shower not to waste a second a large male Scene” is a proper of our time. And in the audience has noun, I envy those 4617 seconds (nearly never been easy who get to form their seventy-seven minutes) for Tori Amos. own mental picture that comprise Frances From her early of Devendra Banhart the Mute, this six-piece rants about “fas- based on his name sonic militia shows cist panties” and and music without no intention of welch- how making her knowing what he ing. Their first album, cum does not, in actually looks like. 2003’s De-Loused in fact, make one Jesus, to the album Strange Little Girls in Or more precisely, the Comatorium placed them safely out of the clutches of hipness, which she had the massively ironic balls to reinterpret clas- who he actually looks like: Jes—I mean, Jim Caviezel with which increasingly seems like a terminal illness when contracted sic tunes by The Beatles, Neil Young, Lou Reed and others a beard. And Janet Leigh gets knifed in the Bates Motel by bands. Instead of aloof detachment and famous girlfriends, “from a female perspective”, few men have found their way shower, and Kevin Spacey is making up his entire story in they opted for virtuosity, cryptic conceptual logorrhea, and dis- through the patchouli fumes to hear her powerful talent, The Usual Suspects. Yeah, I hate you too. dain for traditional song structures. It worked. Such grandiose which stands separate from any ideology. Anyway, describing this wraithlike post-folkie as an ambitions would flounder in the hands of lesser musicians, but The Beekeeper is a brave nineteen song offering alleg- enigma would be too easy. If any puddles of primordial under the direction of guitarist Omar Rodriguez-Lopez, Volta’s edly organized into six categories with baffling names like ooze still exist in the world, I’d believe Banhart stepped out abundant chops and effortless restraint yielded a classic. “Rock Garden” and “Elixirs and Herbs” It’s unlikely that of one twenty-whatever years ago, or at very least was im- Frances the Mute uses the same ingredients—which I won’t this or any of the other conceptual mumbo-jumbo (like maculately conceived. Rejoicing in the Hands, the better of insult by calling a formula—and adds the self-assurance and im- printing the lyrics in the hexagonal shape of honeycomb) two he made last year, is an alternately soothing and proved teamwork that always beset good bands after their first are essential to enjoying her polished compositions and unsettling collection of ditties about soup, Elvis, beards, and full tour. Like Comatorium, the germ for Frances was the mem- crystalline singing. Except for her highly unorthodox “tit smoking.” Though Banhart’s exceptional skill on acoustic ory of a (different) departed friend. But these are no dirges—this pronunciation of certain words, this is a very professional guitar makes a band unnecessary, a sparse handful of guest is fast, furious rock music delivered with all the skill and urgency record—about the same production value as we might ex- musicians and vocalists are sprinkled tastefully on about of Cream or at their upper-induced best. Jon pect from certain overachieving Tori clones lately infesting half the songs. But nothing distracts from his voice—a soft, Theodore, worth five of any other contemporary rock drummers, the charts. But copying her image is clearly easier than nasal plaint that could find a musical home in any of the last leads the band from a stuttering metal pocket to an authentic copying her ability: The lead track “Parasol”, an emotional eight decades. He can go from upbeat (“This is the Way”) to salsa strut on “L’Via L’Viaquez,” and makes it all seem easy. He’s meditation on a Seurat painting, glides on a beautiful heartbroken (“Autumn’s Child”) easily, but his unique vocals probably the best natural musician of the six, but not by far. Two minor-key verse/major-key chorus juxtaposition. “Sweet are what separate him from the boring guitar-dude pack. minutes into “The Widow”, Rodriguez-Lopez unleashes his hith- Your Sting,” a simmering, bluesy update of “You’re So The human body seems to fascinate and mystify him—it’s erto concealed finger speed in a series of Page-esque lead fills as Vain”, is the best song on the album and one of the best by anybody’s guess what lines like “Your hair does see-saw / It keyboardist Ikey Owens reminds us why every rock band used to anyone so far this year. sees and then saws / And I’ll get some extra fingers growin’” have a Hammond organ. The problem with The Beekeeper is that it’s eighty min- (“See Saw”) and “Because my teeth don’t bite I can take ‘em Despite having the second-wildest hair in the group, singer utes long. Inevitably it becomes tiring and the pleasure of out dancin’ / I could take my little teeth out and I could show Cedric Bixler Zavala leaves the most lasting impression. His live the excellent songs is diluted by the numerous throwaways. them a real good time” (“This Beard is for Siobhan”) mean, presence is matchless, and his voice (last Zeppelin comparison, As one of the rare brooding Liliths of the last twenty years but Banhart is clearly more interested in creating moods I promise) combines Robert Plant’s inflection and range with to deserve the title of “artist”, Tori Amos needs to remem- than telling stories. It’s unlikely he’ll ever be onstage at the a wailing desperation all his own. He writes intensely weird ber that omitting is an important part of creating. Grammys, which is why you should get this album. firehose-of-consciousness lyrics that perfectly compliment Ro- Grade: B Grade: A- driguez-Lopez’s angular compositions, to wit: “I found the rem- nants of a crescent fang / It cleaned my wing down to the bone / Umbilical syllables left to decode / There was no cradle, I can taste it.” (“Cygnus….Vismund Cygnus”) Rather than alienating, their cumulative effect drives home that The Mars Volta have no patience for convention, and for that reason can only get better. Grade: A James Houston is a senior in the College. You can write to him at jhouston@sas.

Jay Kim is a junior in the College. You can write to her at jihea@sas. THE UNDERGRADUATE MAGAZINE | MARCH 21, 2005 VOL. V NO. 15

BE THE ENERGIZER BUNNY ANDREW PEDERSON | BRUT FORCE P E O P L E student between a rock and a hard place hours finals, there is a great distinction between the one could even say forces you to be awake and NEED SLEEP. of pure, crystalline concentration and allow rather mundane efficacy of caffeine and the full focused on the task at hand. It’s what the him or her to accomplish weeks of backlogged blown narcotic, dependency forming class of One could argue that this is a simple mat- body was work in an evening. substances like Adderrall. Unlike Adderrall or ter of semantics, of where one would draw the designed to Certainly, everybody, or nearly everybody, Ritalin, caffeine acts in extremely small doses line between harmless substances that aid do within the has chugged the equivalent of a pot or two of to increase overall alertness, but does not in alertness, and drugs which unfairly alter per- natural course coffee to keep sharp for exams or an especially any meaningful way alter one’s state of mind formance. However, the difference between of a complete caffeine and Aderrall is much like the differ- day, and under ence between eating a good meal before exer- no circum- cising and jamming a syringe full of adrenaline stances can the normal cycle be circumvented into your leg before a race. One is good prepa- for long. Most of the attendees of any Monday ration. The other is blatant cheating. morning lecture are ample proof that the god There is no grey area as far as using stimu- of sleep, if not amply sated over the weekend, lants designed to treat ADD as study “aids.” will take what he needs, when he needs it, with Anybody and everybody who uses these sub- or without our permission. stances to accomplish their work is a cheater But some feel like they don’t quite fit in and a fraud. Not only for the simple reason with the grander scheme of things. The day that Adderrall and Ritalin are restricted nar- has twenty-four hours, and they won’t be cotics, but because any sane person who had denied less than their full share. To extend at least attempted to get their work done on their active time, though, is not necessarily time would have no need of such a crutch. In- within their own power. So, they resort to an stead, those who choose to use these drugs feel external aid of some kind. Anybody has seen they can use a cowardly shortcut to make the these types on campus enough times to rec- grade, much as professional meat heads like ognize that a segment of the undergraduate Mark McGwire and Barry Bonds use steroids population, come midterm and finals, are on to disguise the fact that they are actually giant something. They look a bit like tense puppets pussies. that skitter around with jerky motions and Probably the people who most need to read can’t quite keep their vacant stare from darting this article are busy getting drunk and lubing here and there. Surprisingly, they’re not all in up for initiation, but in any case, this practice Tabbard. should not go overlooked by the student body Normal, or close to normal, students who time consuming project, but the practice of or personality. A person after two cups of cof- at large. People who are, in effect, academi- are driven a bit too far for whatever reason, a systematic drug use for planned work binges fee will find it more difficult to go sleep, but by cally doping are taking an unfair advantage finance test, an unhealthy compulsion towards is on the rise, and for all students, not just no means will the delicate chemistry inside and should be exposed wherever possible and late night study binges or an inordinately large those who choose to exchange a couple of his brain be altered in any noticeable pattern. subsequently stripped and flogged publicly on investment in extra-curriculars increasingly million brain cells for a night or two of clar- People who introduce the extremely powerful College Green. If the rest of us refuse to ad- turn towards a quasi-pharmaceutical crutch ity, this manner of abuse represents a massive, stimulant Adderrall to their systems are not dress the problem, we’re merely letting another that reaches beyond the arena of mere caf- inexcusable phenomenon that must be purged only increasing their capacity for work, they herd of slackers slip past without doing their feination. immediately. are using a narcotic chemical to change the fair share. Adderrall, or Ritalin for those with a flair Unfortunately for those who choose to way their brain functions temporarily. That is, for the nostalgia of youth, has become the blue schedule recreation through class in the an- where a cup of coffee will help you to be more Andrew Pederson is a sophomore in the College. cocaine of the masses. One little tab can net a ticipation of a sleep free week right before alert, a tablet of Ritalin makes your brain alert, You can write to him at awl@sas. SAY THAT YOU LOVE ME THUY TRAN | SIMPLE TRUTHS WHY IS IT that people can want, physiological explanation would assert that the “spark” is actu- image of the other person with qualities that he seeks in the so badly, what they know to be ter- ally an initial detection of another person’s unique pheromones perfect partner and deliberately discards learned data about ribly emotionally unhealthy? The that carry information about the person’s biological history, her that does not reinforce the image of the entity he has cre- behavior is reminiscent of that of health, and lifestyle. It is at this point that infatuation and ated. She escalates from mere mortal existence to near god-like a child who cannot resist touching genuine love diverge from each other, with the former involving status. Her every breath, word, and movement is interpreted a hot pot, despite being well aware more self-generated images of the person of interest and the according to his desires. Ignorance to the real person beneath that it will burn him severely. latter requiring more in-depth information about the person, the distorted veneer is even welcomed. One would think adults would such as values, goals, quirks, and character. To be infatuated re- Infatuation feels like love on acid, but unfortunately, the know better, but the high is fleeting upon reality’s strike, just as a person propensity to pursue crashes when coming down off any hallucinogen. things that will result While “flying,” the feelings are fervent, that one may in nothing but pain is alive in many people’s hearts very easily feel that there is no need to ascertain any when it comes to relationships. real, substantive information about the other per- People are in love with “being in love.” For son and, yet, he/she can actually believe that love is example, my friend Joe has been in love with Jane the affect driving the desire. Unlike love, however, for over a year. Jane clearly told him months ago infatuation can be broken at a moment’s notice, that she is not interested in a relationship, for she such as a revelation of some sort, bad news, turn of has recently parted ways with a boyfriend of three events, a new interest. Love, on the other hand, is years. However, Joe continues to pursue Jane. As not readily broken. It is so secure and so much deep- time swims by, he becomes more deluded. He er than skin-level that it is often taken for granted, clings to a thread of hope. He refuses to surrender but never lost. It is self-generating, self-regulating, to the irreversibility of an unrequited love. The and self-renewing, whereas, infatuation requires a truth is, “loving” Jane just gives him an illusive goal person’s constant conscious effort, feeding it with and fantasy. Pathetic, eh? attention, encouragement, and reasons to persist. Love and infatuations are distinctly differ- Disappointment in infatuation feels like a band- ent in more ways than one. Being caught in the aid ripped off the most sensitive areas of the body, whirlwind of fairytale romance is addictive, both while disappointment in love feels like the process psychologically and physically. It is like trippin’ of a vital internal organ slowly failing. Losing after consuming magic mushrooms, which gen- a flame and losing a loved one are both painful, erally elicit a warm euphoric feeling. Scientific but the latter results in the the feeling of loss com- studies have shown the brain releases “feel-good” parable to the experience of having to come to chemicals when a person experiences love, solely, terms with a death, whereas the former is much to encourage the desire to court and reproduce. This stage of a quires the knowledge of none of those things. It needs only the like the feeling of humiliation from having one’s pride reduced relationship is one of the few times one’s body dupes its owner initial attraction (pheromone compatibility) and can take flight to bits of nothingness. Picking oneself up after rejection from in order to satisfy the primitive instinct to perpetuate one’s to heights that seem to soar far higher than any real love could infatuation is a matter of dusting off the embarrassment and genes in subsequent generations. Infatuation, however, doesn’t ever reach. From here, the illusion begins. getting over the ego blow, whereas one may never fully recover share the same biological processes and behaviors related to Love involves the affairs of two people, while infatuation, from losing love, especially a first love. proliferation of genes. only one. It takes one party to transform a mere stranger into Thuy Tran is a junior in the College. You can write to her at Infatuation, like love, begins with a spark of attraction. The “the one.” When infatuated with another, a person fuels the thuytran@sas.