Smokey Stumps in State, to Be Mugwump Candidate
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Our Price — 10c Cheap A)! the news By all the fits thai fits ... that write it. rOLUME LV Virginia Military Institute, Lexington, Virginia. Friday, April 4. 1969 25 "Death" Wilson To Be Smokey Stumps In State, MI Cadet Of Year To Be Mugwump Candidate Second "classman Kenneth R. to go to Africa and "take up the i Wilson has been chosen by the white man's burden" while enjoy- LEXINGTON (Tass)—Democra- VMI, Public Relations Office as ing himself killing the local inhab- tic Party powers were rocked yes- VMI's cadet of the year. Wilson's itants. terday as famed Lexington politi- picture will now replace the statue Excusing himself from the ques- cian B. McCluer Gilliam declared of Virginia Mourning Her Dead on tioning Wilson went over to the his intentions to run in the upcom- the crest of all official Institute window where he blasted, with his ing party gubernatorial primary. publications .357 magnum, a butterfly who's "The time has come for Virginia In the words of the PRO, Wil- noisy flapping had distrubed him. to wake up!" the beloved VMI pro- son best exemplities the ViSII Returning to the interviev/, fessor said, slamming a book onto ideals—he is the Institute's model Death exclaimed that killing had the floor and waking up a few re- cadet. Wilson has so adapted him- always been part of his life—when porters who were nodding in the self to the VMI life that he can four days old, he had beaten his back row. "We must stick to ths truly say "I love it here." Bar- nurse to death with a jar of Beech- subject ot the course," he said, re- racks is not merely his home away nt baby food. lighting his pipe, "oi moving Vir- from home, bui something more. Sadist B«>y Si;oiit ginia forward!" In fact Wilson spent his "Spring" In high school, Wilson distin- Following t'ne official announce- (the snow fooled all of us» Fur- giushed himself as a Boy Scout, ment. ••Beautiful" Downtown Le.x- lough in barracks being hard corps abandoning 23 feeble old ladies in ington was flooded by bevies of and loving every minute of it. crowded streets during rush hour. beautiful Hollins co-eds. who Minuteniaii It was at this time that he devel marched noisily through the streets The Cadet decided to interviev,- oped his physique and changed his bearing banners reading. "Vote for Wilson to learn jnore about this facial appearance, earning him his Smoke—-That's No Joke" and ••Gil- man who is the epitome of the "Walking Death" title. liam, By Golly." VMI spirit. Wilson was relaxing VMI was a natural choice for Gilliam, known among intimates during his Wednesday GP—work- college. He sur\ived his Rat year as "Smokey," has had a long and ing owt his cat-o-aine-tails on an by playing dead (he also develop DARKHORSE iVIUGWUMP Candidate "Smokey" GiUiam announc- successful career in the political unfortunate Rat who had wander- ed himself two eniergency fur ed this week fo.' the gubernatorial nomination. The surprise procla- hotbed of Rockbridge County. He ed near his room—when this re loughs in this way). Resurrected mation pormised a sweeping state-wide reform, involving free is well-remembered for his stirring porter showed up. his third class year, he became a speecli, free press, and free lunch. "Poisoning Pigeons in the Park" Inviting us in, he introduced us stalwart of the VMI Rangers where speech last fail, an impassioned to his two roommates who cowered his gung-ho spirit and attempts a( plea that Lexington is not for the VIS^ Bio,, Clieiii. Join Forces birds. "My supporters," droned Gil- Coiiviikioiis Name of Game liam, "number among the dozeiii of Virginia Democrats who admit Note: ters as we did at Indiana L'niver actually voting for Happy Hubert " The follov, ing place between MS, | s^ty. On the basis of -tliis platform, G'l- Chemistry, and Biology Depart-! Dr. VLazy (chera.): Or sniffing liam is expected to carry House ments I managed to slip under the ' Mountain, the Submarine divLsioa of Norolk N-aval Base, Drv Dock veils of top level security to bring | ^ ^et s have a drink 3, of the Newp-ort Xeus Ship- to the corns this classitied repon. ^^^ troops. yard. and Cicero, Illinois. McCall (Tool Shed): As you all ^^^ know our mission is to discuss how Sf ^^^^ Remember the mission, Other candidates i!i the primary biological and chemical means can , Russians are workmg on this were astounded by the sudden de too, you know. bring mass destruction on the claration. T. Marshall Hahan, form- enemy and thus make way for vic- Maj. Bosko: Russians! Russians' er President of Virginia Tech, stat- tory of right. In other words. Kill, Some one get the bombs. Nuk's ed "VMI c^in never hope to beat us Kill, Kill! Col. Apeman (Biology): em Millions of children father- again." Do you have auy commenf less in a single second Blood! Henry Howell of Norf jlk offered Col. Apeman: I don't think you Col. Hot Rod (Biology): We to debate GiUiam "anywhere, a;;y meant to ask that question. What have !neans to wipe them all out! time on anv sub'ect." you meant to say was how can bio- See BIOLOGY & CHEM. page 2 I See GILLIAM page i logy kill. Well — Col. B. S. Raves (Biology): (In- terruptin.) Goomha Scrambles Rankers: I think we should zap in the vallevs when the mountains move. Men Are Picked To Fit Job Dr. Settler (Chem.): What do Regimental Commander —Dugh- you mean, mountains move? Ac- Dugh Daub cording to quantum theory, moun- Regimental Redneck — Sam Hig- KEN "WALKING DEATH" WILSON, VMI's self-professed mer- tains don't move. ginbotham cenary and killcr-for-hive, prepares in the lab for FTX. Wilson, Maj. Waver: Quantum theory! Regimental Leftover — Tom whose dream in life is his own private army, is reportedly spending I've heard of quantum theory Jeffrey. summer furlough in Biafra as a third-force commander; both sides Isn't that connected with the Ar- Regimental Doorstop — Frank liave refused his services, although Wilson's resemblance to a tillery round otf rule? It's been a Breault kwashiorkor victim is astounding. long time since those Deans List Regimental G-2—Malone Parham days at .\&M. Regimental Supernumerary — in fear in the corner. Though he realism pleased all except the Col. McCool: V ail men gonna Jim Campbell has a variety of nicknames, mothers of two unfortunate fatali- have to get organized if we are Regimental Marriage Counselor "Walking D o a t h ' amo.ng ties and the aggressor he almost going to accomplish our mission. —Tom Spink them, Wilson told us congen tortared to death Col Pickle Let s all have a Regimental Sgt Major—Major ially, "Call me Sir " He the:i gra j Piuku Ptiukar drink! Miller ciously allowed himself to be inter | Concluding the interviev/, Wil- Maj. Waver: That great Ameri Regimental Operations Sgt — viewed by our "Puiko-Marxist Yel-1 son stated that past hiistor> had j can George Wallaoe'wouldn't drink Nick Raymond low Sheet." in order to scare c:ie assured hun the future of his at a time like this. Only those j Regimental Supply Sgt. — Bob xxxxx out of the spinel-iss anarch- chosen profession would be good, anarchists in Washington drink in ' Biddle ists, draft dodgers, hippies and so- and he wished to thank VMI for top secret nieeti-igs like this. Regimental Motor Sgt. — Bob sial outcasts," who know how to making it all possible With that, Col Riski (Professor of Organic .\lger he l.terally booted us out, and left Chemistry. See CADET, April 1, Regimental Commo Sgt—Mr. V read. REG'.MFN I tFTOVER Mercenary Aspirations us with the words, "Put that in 1968): And rightly so A man's a Regimental Sjnack—Bill Sever- 1 O V. I IF E R Y Wilson hopes to become a luer your pinko leftist rag, you yellow- tool to overindulge; his time can er eenary upon graduation, and hopes livered left-wing fellow travelers." be much better spent sniffing es- Sea MAKEOVERS page 5 'H:;ive 'e-n 15 4-and M" The VMI Cadet, Friday, April II, 1969 3 ! POST NO. 5 Biology and Chemislry (Continued from pagie 1) with a certaii\ virus which causes instant death. Maj .Mawler: Much too Painless. Col Hot Rod: There are certain diseases which we can contaminate their girls with and play havoc with their soldiers. Col. Pickel: What about our troops? Col. Riski: We can protect the home boys with savaroot 606. Ex- cept for the Hippies, that is. We should wipe out all those d—hip- pies. Dr. Vlazy: My thesis boys are working on a compound which causes slow agonizing death with gagging, coughing, retching blood until the bitter end, when the Free School on cots. In protest Of the illegal Coach Dodo success will be evident as a play- brains turn yellow. war perpetrated on the peace-lov- (Thunderous applause from the (Continued from page t) ing people of Ho Chi Minh by the (Continued from page 1) wright when some scout discovers entire group). ington Jail enlarged, and Caleb Wall Street military industrial for early practice, or, in your my talent for the melodramatic Maj. Bosko: Beautiful. Beauti- Hudnutt .' The Hanging Judge," complex and their running dogs, terms, DO-BEES or DON'T BEES. ending. ful! from Skunks Misery. Mississippi, the Puppet South Vietnamese gov- Dodo: Quite right—This summer Cadet: Getting to the lighter Col.