The Play That Goes Wrong Is a Hilarious, Farcical Murder Mystery, a Play-Within-A- Play, Conceived and Performed by Award- Winning Company Mischief Theatre

nrctlnren ldrama

I @ Good evening, z I'm lnspector Carter Take mY case.

This must be Charles Haversham. -6 given all l'm sorry, this must've You ?= a damn shock. z THATGOES from a large and sudden After benefitting I inheritance, the inept and accident-prone z THEP Cornley Polytechnic Drama Society embark on producing an ambitious 1920s murder mystery. They are delighted that neither casting issues z ED1T1ON in THTRD nor technical hitches currently stand their = way. However, disaster ensues and the cast z start to crack under the pressure, but can they get the production back on track before the I F final cudain falls?

The Play That Goes Wrong is a hilarious, farcical murder mystery, a play-within-a- play, conceived and performed by award- winning company Mischief Theatre. lt was first performed at the Old Red Lion Theatre, lslington before transferring to Trafalgar Studios in 201 3. This edition features the updated, two- { act script, developed for the production's tour tn and West End transfer to the Duchess Theatre in2O14. F rl 'lmmaculately staged . . . roused even a staid matinee audience to hysterics'The Times Ft o 'Genuinely hilarious . . . Boy, does it hit the funny o Frl C' bone'Daily Telegraph { 'Reduced to tears of ioy . . . I haven't laughed so much for years' lndependent on Sunday z o

DRAMA & PERFORMANCE STUDIES www.bloomsbury.com

Cover 0esign, Dragonfly Design Photography: Alastair Muir PETE-R P-AN ISBN 978-1 -4742-21494-7 wRg=ftc BY HENRY LEWIS, JONATHAN SAYERAND HENRY SHIELDS

Also available ilffiil|ililru[lil ttllnfiflffi trom Bloomsbury 9 F B L O OM S B U RY Henry LewisrJonathan Sayer and Henry Shields

FROM AN ORIGINAL CONCEPT BY HENRY LEWIS

The Play That Goes Wrong

Wrsion in hso acts

Third edition

r I I

Bloomsbury Methuen Drama An imprint olBloomsbury Publishing Plc BLOOMSBURY 1.r).\t)()\. \lli\ l)i:t.ilt. \1..r\ \'(rRK . s\l)\i.i Bloo-"bury Methuen Dm ffu Plq thnt Goes Wrongwas first presented under the 6tJre An imprint of Bloomsbury Publishing Plc Tfu Murder Bgfore Christrnas on 4 December 2012 at the Old Red 50 Bedford Square 1385 Broadway Lion Theatre in Angel, Islington, with the following Iondon New York cast: WCIB 3DP NY IOO18 Cbris Henry Shields UK USA Jonathan Stephen Leask Imprintpreviously known as Methuen Dmma Robert Henry Lewis wwrr.bloomsbury.corn f)snnis Jonathan Sayer BLooMsBuRy, METHTIEN DRAMA the Diana logo and Sandra Charlie Russell a.re trademarks of Bloornsbury poSlishing Plc Max Dave Hearn I st edition in one act published 20 I 3 2nd edition in trryo acts first published 2014 Anrrie Nancy Wallinger 3rd edition in two acts with changes to script first published 2015 Trevor Rob Falconer O Henry Lewis,Jonathan Sayer and Henry Shields 2013, 2014, 2015 The production then extended play Henry Lewis,Jonathan Sayer and Henry Shields under its new title The have asserted their right under the Copyright, Designs that Goes Wrong, opening on 12 March 20lS atthe same and Patents Act 1988 to be identified as the authors of this work. venue with the following cast changes: All rights resewed. No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, Jonathan Henry Lewis including photocopyrng, recording, or any information storage or Robert Greg Tannahil retrieval system, without prior permission in writing from the publishen. Sandra Lotti Maddox No responsibfity for loss caused to any individual or organisation acting on or refraining from action as a result ofthe material in this publication The production then transferred to Tralalgar Studios, opening can be accepted by Bloomsbury or the author. on 30 April 2013 with the following cast changes: This version ofthe text went to print before the end ofreheanals and may differ slighdy from the version performed. Jonathan JoshuaElliott All rights whatsoever in this play are stricdy reserved and application for Robert Henry Lewis performance etc. should be made before rehearsals begin by professionals to United Agents, 12-16 lcxington Street, London WlF OLE The production extended at Tralhlgar Studios with the and by amateurs to Bloomsbury Methuen Drama following cast change: ([email protected]). No performance may be given unless a license has been obtained. Jonathan Greg Tannahil No rights in incidental music or songs contained in the work are hereby The Trafalgar Studios granted and performance rights for any performance/presentation production was produced by Old Red whatsoever must be obtained from the respective copyright owners. Lion Theatre and Mischief Theatre with the following British Library Cataloguing-in-Publication Data production team: A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library Director Mark Bell ISBN: PB: 97 B- | - +7 42- 449 4-7 ePDF: 978- I -47 42-+4954 Daigner Henry Lewis ePub: 978- I -4742-4497 -B Lightmg Designn Scottlqrge-Jones Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Costume Designer Bryony Myers A catalog record for this book is available from the Library ofCongress Stage Manager Thomas Platt Kent CTI4 BES Typeset by Country Setting, Kingsdown, Gmnal Manager Nicholas Thompson - The production transferred to the Duchess Theatre in London's West End with the following cast and creative team: The Play That Goes Wrong Trevor Rob Falconer Chris Henry Shields Jonathan GregTannahill Robert Henry Lewis f)snnis Jonathan Sayer Sondra Charlie Russell Max Dave Hearn Annie Nancy Wallinger Jill Alys Metcalf Phil Leonard Cook Male understud2 Leonard Cook Female understud2 Alys Metcalf Director Mark Bell Set Designer Nigel Hook Lighting Duigner Ric Mountjoy Costume Designer Roberto Surace Oiginal Musit Rob Falconer

,,/. --

Production Notes

The stage direction'vamp'denotes improvised dialogue or action to cover something.

An underlined letter in the text indicates a mispronunciation in that part of the word.

A forward slash ( / ) denotes the next line beginning midway at this point in the current line.

Sandra's appearance from the clock in Act Two should be achieved through having her secretly enter the long-case clock while it is being moved and another actress's arm in the same costume reaching through the door to ensure an instant teleportation effect.

The pre-show and interval activity should be subtle, incidental and never draw the full attention of the audience.

If possible Trevor should be visible throughout the show in a 'technical area'where he is supposedly operating the show. He should not, however, dominate the scene atany point as his presence, while important, must be incidental to the main action. It is best if he is positioned in the auditorium in a box or at the back ofthe stalls and not on the stage. - Characters Act One in order of appearmue

Arrnie, tfu compoqtl stage mnntgE Inncashire arcent Tlu senilgis tlu piuate rooms of Charlzs Hawshnm" a)oug wealtlgt Stage Crew, tlu Cornlqt Polytechnic stage crew man of tlu paiod. TIu rooms occupy a wholz wing of Hawrsham Trevor, tlu companlt's kShtt and sound operator ry Manor and are split on to hpo lnek. Thz groundfuor consists q1f a Chris, l"o.d of tlu dro.tna socizfi, directnr of tlu plq and plays carpetcd hunge area. Tltne is one door cmtre stage with thzfunnel of a 'Inspector Cartn' uobe-pipe ard, a baromettr horgry on eitlvr side of tfu door and a hry- JonatJran, y' lqts'Charlzs Hat ersltam' case clock stnnding to tlu lefi of it. A lnrge hnaldb shield hangs aboae tlu Robeti, plqts'Tlwmns CollEmoore' door Thzre is a large uindow in tlu cenhe of thz stage with red aehtet D enni's, p lqt s'Perkins' cwtains chsed oaer it. A chaise longw stands dowrutage cmtre, a small lMax, plEts 'Cecil Hanershnm' and Arthur' tablz *age right with a tekphone and a aase There Sandra" play'Fl"orence Collzymoore' on it is afireplace stage right with a porhait of a dog hargilg abooe it, hto swords are hung The action takes place on the opening night of the Cornley on eitha side of it, and a coal scuttlz stnnds in tlu hzarth. Polytechnic Drama Society's production of the murder mystery play Murdn at Hattnsham Manor, written by Susie On tlu uppn leuel we see a stud2 area" compbte with boolcsluhta stage H.K. Brideswell. right starlud with fuay lzatlw-bound aolumes and papers, Clwrhs' bureau benmth a small window with a clwir set at it next to a globe- CHARACTERS IN THE MURDER MYSTERT PLAY shaped drinl$ trollzy. There is a door to tlu stage lzfi sidz of tlu upper Charles Haversharr! deuasd lnel lzading to a bark staircase. A k gt tropfu pkque hmrys on one side Thomas Colleymoore, Clwrles' old schoolfind of tlu door ond anotherfannel of tfu uoice-pipe hangs on th,e other Thse Perkinq Chnrbs'butlzr is a small sqfe built into tfu upstnge door Cecil Haversharry Clwrlzs' brothur Florence Colleymoorg Clwrlzs'ftancie and Tlnmas' sistn Tfu tuofuors are connectzd b7 an old-fashioned eleaator stage I$ doors Inspector Carteq an esteerwd local inspector chsed on tlu lower and upper lnek. Arthur, tlu gardmcr at Hanersham Manor pRE-sHow Acrrvrry As tlu audimce enter; Annie (tlu Stae The action takes place in Charles'private rooms at Haversham Manager) lvrak fu tlufreplnre tryug to attach a mantzlpfuce to it. Slu Manor on the evening of Charles and Florence's engagement realises slu can't hold it and nail at thz sa.mt time. Slufetclus an audimce parry. Winter 1922- manber n hold it in poition and continues to try and nail it on. SIu disappears aroutd tlu batk of tluJlats tofetch somcthing lzafutg tlu audiznce member standing thne with thz mantelpiece. The audiznce mmtbr luars behind a aoicesfom ttufut - Anaie sa2ing'Mind2our -firy, drill bit comhg through', Trevor sayhg'Hweyou used that b{ore?, Annie sayhg'No'. A diililg noise is luardfom behind tlu fut Then silmce. Annie eaenhralf reappears and tlu audinue mernber is smt back to thdr seat. Tlu mantzlpfuce is still not attatlud. 6 The PIay That Goes Wrong Act One 7

Two members o/ Stage Crew search the stalk and circle.for a missing We are particularly excited to present this play because, for Duran Duran CD with torches. Trevor stands in the stalk; on his the first time in the society's history, we have managed to find radio he tells nno members of the audience that tlryt are sitting beneath a a play that fits the company's numbers perfectly. If we're faultl stage light. honest, a lack of numbers has hampered past productions, such as last year's Chekov play; Two Sisters. last House music drops to a lower leuel and tlu house lights dim. Or Christmas's The Lion and the Wardrobe, and of course our summer musical, Cal. Trevor Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to this evening's performance of The Murder at Hauasham This will be the first time the society has been able to stage a Manor. Can I kindly request that you switch offyour mobile play of this scale and we are thrilled. ft's no secret we usually telephones and other electronic devices and please note have to contend with a small budget, as we had to in last year's photography of any kind is strictly prohibited. Also if anyone presentation of Roald Dahl's classic, James and the Peach. Of finds a Duran Duran CD box set in the auditorium, I need course, during the run of that particular show the peach went that back, please hand it to one ofthe ushers at the end ofthe oll and we were forced to present a hastily devised alternative performance. Enjoy the show. entitled James ! Where's lour Peach?

House lights gofull2 out. Silntce. Finally we've managed to stage a play as it should be, and cast it exceptionally well. I'm sure no one will forget the problems Trevor (ouer the speakers) Alright, stand by for Act One, note we've faced with casting before, such as 2010's Christmas for the cast the dog is still missing, we need to find him before presentation of Snow White and the Tall, Broad Gentlnnen, or his entrance. . . indeed our previous year's pantomime, another Disney classic: Chris Trevor! Trevor! USb...andtlrcBeast.

Sound cuts off Anfie still hasn'tfnisfud the mantelpiece. Chris But now, on with the main event, which I am confident will be entersfrom around tlu back of theflats in the darkness. our best show yet! So without any further ado, please put your hands together for Susie H.K. Brideswell's whodunit Chris Leave it.Just leave it. thrilling - The Murder at Hutersham Manor Annie We nged it. . . Chris exits'into the wings and tlu stage lightsfode to bhck. Chris We h,aven't got time. Jonathan (pl"lin7 Chailes Hauersham) mtns through the darlcness. Annie hurries off behind thefla6 taking the mantelpiece and tools with He trips andfalk ouer The lights suddenl2 come up onJolrrathran on her Spotlight clmes up and cuh off Chris' head. thefuor Hefrceau. The lights go out again as he tnkes up his positilsn, Chris Good evening, ladies . . . dead, on the chaise longue, arm outstretched on to thefloor The lights come up again just before he'sfull2 in position. Robert (plol*g He steps into it. Thomas Colle2moore) andDennis (llqirg Perkins the Butler) can be . . . and gentlemen and welcome to the Cornley Polytechnic heard offi approaching the downstairs door Society's spring production of The Murder at Haaersham Afianor. Robert (01fl Charley! Are you ready? all I would like to personally welcome you to what will be my We're waiting downstairs to raise a glass to your engagementl Charley? directorial debut, and my first production as head of the drama society. He knocks on the door B The Play That Goes Wrong Act One 9

(Off.) Come along now, Charley, you've been in there for Dennis I don't understand. He was a fit as a fiddle. He hours now. If I didn't know better I'd say you were having can't be dead. It doesn't make sense. second thoughts about the wedding. (Chuckks.) Hang it all, Robert Of course it makes sense. He's been murderedl Charley, if you won't come out, I'll come in! (Trizs handlz.) Damn it! He's locked the door. Hand me those keys, Perkins. Lights change to red again. The same dramatic musical spike. Lights change back to general state. Dennis (o;f) Here they are, Mr Colleymoore. Robert Good God - where's Florence? Robert (01fl Thank you, Perkins. Let's get this door open. In the dining room, sir, shall fetch her? lVe're coming in, Charleyl We're coming in! f)snnis I Robert At once, Perkins, and quickly. He ties to open the door; but it won't budge. f)snni5 But she's bound to have one of her hysterical (Off.)There we are. We're in. episodes, sir! Robert andDennis dart around the side of the set to enter Robert Damn it! Gather everyone in here! Charles! Dead! Robert But, what's this? Charles, unconscious? What a horror!

Dennis Asleep surely, Mr Colleymoore? Dennis rushes to the uoice-pipe on the wall and calk to the rest of the house. Robert remoaes his jacket. Robert Damn it, Perkins, I hope so. f)snni5 (into the aoice-pipe, echoing) Lounge to dining room! Denrris I'll take his pulse. Cecil! Miss Colleymoore! Come to Charles'private rooms at He talces Jorratban's puke on the ide of hisface. once. Charles Haversham has been murdered. Robert Blast! I knew something was wrong, it's so unlike Robert But do you think it was murder, Perkins? Charles disappear to like this. He hargs his jackA up on a hook on the wall. Thz hook and his jaclut DeniJ. Sir, he's dead! falk to tfufloor . . . do perhaps Lighk snap to red. Dramatic musical spike. Lights map back to gmeral Or you think it was suicide? state. Dennis Suicidel Mr Haversham? Not possible! There never was a man with more zest Robert Dead?! Damn it, Perkins, he can't bel He's my for life than Charles Haversham. He was young, rich and soon to be married, closest friend! why on earth would he commit suicide? Dennis He's not breathing, sir, and there's no hint of a Robert But why on earth would anyone murder him? heartbeat! Charles was such gentle fellow. Robert I'm dumbfoundedl He was right as rain an hour ago. psnnis He was generous, kind, a true . . . (Reads the word He crosses infont of the chaise longue, heading onJorrat}ian's from his hand and mispronlunces zt ) philanthrspist. He never had outstretclted hand. an enemy in his life. l0 The Play That Goes Wrong Act One l l

Robert Until today it seems. Robert Not a soul gets out of Haversham Manor until the killer is found! [snni5 Shall I telephone the police, sir? f)6n-is At once. sir. Robert The police? They wouldn't make it out here for days in this snowstorm. Robert And assemble everyone in here.

Opns tlu curtnins to reuealfalling paper mowflnkes. Closes tlu curtains Dennis Right away, sir! again. He goes to leate through the door5 but it still won't budge. He opms the I'll telephone Inspector Carter, he lives just the other side of ftnt of tfu long-case clock next to the door and gets inside instzad. the village. (Hcks up receiaer) He'll be here in next to no time. Robert Good God! Charles Haversham murdered at his Hand me the receiver, Perkins. own engagement pafty! (Turns sharpl' to the door.) Florence! He realises hz alreadl has the receiuer Sandra tries to get through the door Thank you, Perkins. Sandra (01fl Charley! No! I can't believe what I'm seeing. f)snni5 sits onJolaLat}'anl lzg She appears in the window, holding apart the curtains. Good evening. Give me Inspector . . Robert Carter! . I My God, he looks so frail lying there. His skin is cold to the know it's late! . . . Damn it, I don't care about the weather. touch. There's been a murder! Someone's murdered Charles Haversham! Robert No, don't touch him, Florence!

Lights change to red. A musical spike pla2s again. The spike plrysfor Sondra I must! far too Long EaentualQ thc lxghts change back to gazeral statc. Robert You mustn'tl Robert That's right! Sandra Unhand me, you controlling brute!

Trevor (oaer thz speakzrs) Sound effect error on cue four. Robert pretends to release Sandra's hand.

Robert'-firank you. (Hongs rzp.) He's on his way. So-dra Oh, who could do such a thing! The night of our f)snnis Inspector Carter? engagement parry! Cecil! Q,uick! Your brother's dead! This way, Master Robert They say he's best damn inspector in the district, f)gnni5 Haversham! he'll crack this case and quick. M"*(0fl I'm coming, Miss Colleymoore!

Dennis Very good, sir, and what shall I do? Tlu door suddml bursts open reuealing Max, Trevor, Anllie and huo members o/ Stage nho h.aae Robert Lock every door, man! Crew all bem attanpting to open it. TIry all quirkfu run off Seeing tD4 Sandra followsMaxin. He crosses tlu stage again. Dennisfollows. Jonatha- slmrplt moues Max Brother? Dead! It can't be! his hand out of tfu wry of Robert3;60t. Once Robert has passed Jonathan repLaces his hnnd. Dennis heads on it. Robert Calm yoursell Cecil. Pour him a stiffdrink, Perkins. 12 The Play That Goes Wrong Act One l3

Dennis Right away, sir! Charles always kept scotch upstairs Sandra I can't imagine! in his study. Max It's madness! My brother was a good man! Who would He gets into the elmator carriage. The elzuator rises to the upper lnel wd kill him? I'm in shock, Thomas. f)snni5 emerges and walks ooer to tlu dinks trollelt. Robert As am I, Cecil!As am I! Max My brother had the finest collection of scotch in the more than my neryes county. Sandra It's can take! I'm becoming hysterical! Robert Don't you think I know that? He was my best friend. Robert No, Florence! Not another one of your episodes! Max Well, he was my brother, Thomas. Calm yourself. Here, take one of your pills. Robert Hang it all, Charley dead. Max Florence! Don't lose your head! Sandra I can't bear it. Sandra begins to scream and poundJorat}'an's chest. Jolrathan Robert You aren't to leave my sight this evenins, Florence. Jlinclus. Dennis opens thz dinlcs cabinet and seizes afull bottle of scotch and Max I feel I shall pass out, Thomas! holds it up. Robert Perkins! Pour that man a stiffdrink! Dennis Oh my god! He's drunk the whole bottlel (He speak f)snnis hands a glnss lo Max" into the uobe-pipe.) There's not a drop left! Max Thank you, Perkins. Robert (into the aoicrpipe) Hang it all, there . . . Dennis poars the 'scotch' into lN[.axI glass. Sandra becomes calmer Deanis realises and ties to get rid of the scotcl4 pouring it out into the aoice-pipe. Tlu scotch spurts lut o;f Robertt end of the uoice-pipe all Robert There, there, Florence, well done, deep breaths. oaa him. He quickfu grabs the coal scuttle and catches the liquid inide Sandra It's terrible!Just a week after our engagement! f)snni5 There's not a drop left! (The bottle is nou anpQ.) Max He was a good brother. Robert Vf, tk uoicrpipe) Hang it all! There'll be another in He drinlcs the white spiit. He suddmly spits it back out. the cabineil- That's the best scotch I've ever tasted. frgnnis pvlhtces the empl bottle lu should hwe got tlufrst time. Robert Have another, to calm your nerves. Dennis Yes, this one's full. Make it a double! Robert This is horrifying! I mean, who on earth would have Max a motivation to murder Charles Haversham? Dsniis psurs another glnss of white spirit. l0'[.ax drink it again. He spits it out again. Dennispzls it tfu bottlz to a hal along withfour glnsses. Dennis descmds in tlu eleuator and walks past the window. As he passes tlu Sandra Oh! My Charles! My Charles! My head is spinning! window, Annie leans through and exchanges the empQ bottlefor afull Max Clam down, Florence. plastic bottle of whitz spznl with a largeflammable ymbol on it He doesn't see the swixh. Dennis Another scotch. sir? l+ The Play That Goes Wrong Act One l5

Max Yesl All gasp andface out. Silence. Tlu cast waitfor a sound ffict that doesn't happm. Eaentualfu a loud door chime sounds, late. Sandra I can't believe Charles was sat in here alone, drinking, when he was supposed to be downstairs with us. NI (react) The inspector!

Max My brother wasn't as happy as he led people to believe. Sandra Thank heavens he's here! Underneath that cheerful mask lay a darker side to the man Chris (!@inS'Inspector Carter) mtns through the door, coaaed in that many didn't know about. paper snowflakes, carrlting an attachi case. Dennis It's true, his smile was often just a (Readsfom his Chris \A/hat a terrible snowstorm. Good evening, I'm hand.) facgde. I was fortunate enough to be one of the only Inspector Carter. Take my case. people he truly confided in. I've lost a real friend today. Dennis Yes, Inspector. Robert We all have, Perkins. Hang it all, I knew Charlie ever since school. Chris hands his case toDenniq who places it on thefloor b7 the table. Sandra I don't know how I'll ever recover from this. Chris This must be Charles Haversham! I'm sorry; this Robert You'll move back home with me. I'm vour brother must've given you all a damn shock. and I'll have it no other way. Sandra It did, we're all still reeling. Max Perkins is right, my brother was hiding a deep sense of melancholy and resentment. There's no doubt in my mind; it Chris Naturally. Are any of you the deceased's immediate was suicide. family? Dennis Suicide, Mr Haversham? How can you say that! Of Max I'm Cecil Haversham. I'm his brother. course not; it's murder! Murder in the first degree! Sandra (smiling) I'm Florence Colleymoore. I'm his fianc6. Max Nonsense, the man was paranoid, jealous, and I can Tonight was our engagement party. prove it! Perkjns, hand me his journal from the mantelpiece! Chris \A&rat a damn sad thing. I take it everyone is Anniet hand reachts through the door and holds tlu journal in poiion assembled in here? abozte thefrePkee:Dennis passes it to Max- Robert Yes. The only other member of staffis Arthur the Max Why, look at the last entry. (Ifo, bohing at tlu journal.) gardener. I saw him and Winston leaving for the weekend, 'I fear Florence does not love me. The night of our hours ago. engagement party; despair engulfs my soul.' Chris Winston? San&a But I love Charles with all my heart! Robert His guard dog. Denrris takes the journal and returns it to the mantclpieu; itfalls straight to thefuor AnnieS hand reaches through the window to h1 Chris I see. Very well. You! Have you poured everyone a and catch it but she misses. stiffdrink?

Max As I said! Driven mad with paranoia and jealousy. Dennis Yes, Inspector. tr-

16 The Play That Goes Wrong Act One 17

He holds out tfu tray *rd tful all talu a glnss. psnnis remoues thz Sandra How could someone do it? tray ktockirgJonatha- on tlu hzad- Chris Try not to think about it, Miss Colleymoore. Once Max Let us raise a glass to the man we all loved: to Charles. I've finished downstairs I'll speak to you each individually and All Charles! then perhaps you can get some space, to calm your nerves. Robert andDennis lifi the shetchu up, tlw cantas tears of tlu Thry all dink tlu whitz spirit. Tl,q Sog, spit it out and recoun l0f;zx holfu tlu whitc spiit in his mouth. shetchcr andRobert andDennis are bfi hoUingjust tlu poles. Tlryl carry just tfu polzs of throryh tfu door Chris Delicious. Sandra Thank you, Inspector, this is all more than I can Sandra Excellent. bear. Robert Lovely. That's a damn fine bottle, Perkins, what's Chris I'll retum presently, as soon as I've finished examining the vintage? the body. f)snni5 (reads tlu hbel) Flammable and corrosive, sir. He exits, shutting thr door behind him Jonathan realises that lu is Chris Listen, you all must be distraught, but forgive me, the mtant to hute ban carrizd ff ord slnwfu starts to get up @irg not to be sooner I can begin my enquiries, the sooner we can all get to seat and exits towards tlu doo6 draggtng tlu stretclur canoas with him. the bottom of this ghastly business. Sandra andMax stare atJonathan ar lu slnwl, leaaes through thz door and shuts it behind him. lMax spits out his whitc spirit. Chris deposits his notebook on tlu teblc. Max Thank God they've gone!

Chris (to Dennis) If you'd be so kind as to bring the body Robert aTylfrsnnis ater throtqh thz upstairs dnor, carryhry a up to the study, so I can examine it. mimed bod1. fsnni5 Yes, Inspector. Robert Good lord, Perkins, his body weighs a tonne! R:\"t I'll lend you a hand, Perkins. Chris So this is Charles' study. Set the body down there, Chrid Then lock all the doors to the house and prepare this gentlemen. room/I'll conduct my enquiries down here afterwards. Dennis It's such a tragedy for a man to die just three Dennis Inspector. months before he is to be married.

Aan tfu nextfew llzar Dennis brings in a stretchq Robert azd Robert andDennis dzposit the mimed bodl on tlufuor by tlu f)snnis lry tfu stretcher on thzfuor infont of tfu chaise Inngte and dounstage edge of the upper leael tlry tlvn try tn l!fiJonzt}ranup but can't. Tlult roll him tlu of Robert I can't stand it.Just look at him lying there. claise Longw on to tlufuor [snnis This is most (Cluck hnnd.) morgse. Max Any ideas on the cause of death, Inspector? - Robert Morose indeed. Chris Couldbe a number of things. Suffocxion, strangulation, poison. Before fully examining the body I wouldn't like to say. Lights shifi to dounstnirs. -- lB The Play That Goes Wrong Act One l9

Sandra Cecil! We must tread carefully! It would be easy for Chris produces a tin of powda and a brush. He passes Dennis tlw the two of us to become implicated in Charles'death. If they tin. find out about us, we'll be suspects! Chris Check his pockets, Thomas. Max You and I are having an affair, so what? It doesn't Robert Inspector. mean we killed him. He searches poclcets but cannotfnd the prop hz is supposed Sandra Of course not! But that's what the Inspector will Jorat}ralo-'s tofnd. reachzs into his inside jarka think! Afir afew momentsJonathan poclrct and produces a lettzr and passes zl lo Robert Max It's fine, we'll just carry on as if everything's just as it Robert libs) Thank you, Charles. was. @n Chris And now to dust the body for fingerprints. He sits on tfu chaise longu and discouers a ledger under tlu cushions. In coryfiuion lu moaes it under the chaise longue. Robert \4lhat was that? Max Except now you won't be forced to marry my beastly I)snnis Sir? brother. Robert I could have sworn I just saw him breathing. Sandra And soon we can be together and not keep secrets. f)snni5 Breathing, si - lr/lax crosses to stnge lefi. He drops the tin of powder It coaersJonathan's;face, causing him n Max But now, with my brother out of the picture, I must cough loudly. ask you one question. Chris Nonsense, Colleymoore! This man is dead! He goes down on one kna. L@hts shifi to upstairs. Lights sh!fi to dowrutairs. Jonathan continues to cough. Dennis It's so strange to think of Charles being dead. Max Florence, would you do me the honour of becoming Jgnathan opens the upstairs door and creeps in to talu up his position: my wife? Marry me! 4(d again- Jonathan cotqlu again more uiolcntly and slips of the edge of tlu OY"nis He was such an influence on all our lives. upper lnel and grabs hold of the edge of thefuor Rober( Dennis and Cbtis try to pull him back up butJorrat}rzn thm loses his gip Robert It's almost as though he's still alive in the room and drops down to the lower leael, landing betutemMax and Sandra- with us. Max Charles is dead. He can never come between us again. Chris Seeing a cadaver for the first time can be unsettling, Perkins. Jonathan slowlt gets up, rehieues the canaas and moaes back out towards the door He goes and closes the door, shuttirry tlu shetcher canaas He seesJonathanondjumps a littlz. in it. He pulk tlu canuas through the crack in the doo6 but the last bit Chris I need you to pull yourself together and help me to gets stuck; he hgs at it, causing the door to swing open, reaeakng hirn. dust his personal belongings for fingerprints. Sandra closes the door Dennis Of course, Inspector. Max Charles is gone and he's never coming back. 20 The Play That Goes Wrong Act One 2l

Lights sh4fr to upstairs- Sandra He is my brother!

Chris Thank you, gentlemen. Now we have looked over the Max kt me kiss youlJust once! body, perhaps you would take it out to the service quarters for the coroner to collect in the morning. Sandra Oh, Cecil! Kiss me a thousand times! I'm yours!

Dennis Of course, Inqpector. Dennis burcts in.

Robert andDennis kfi tlu stretchn polzs up and carrlt tlwn out of Dennis Sorry to disturb you, Miss Colleymoore, Mr the upstairs door Haversham, I've come to collect the keys to lock us all inside.

Chris Check all of the doors are locked, Perkins. Max Thank you, Perkins, they're by the telephone. [6nnis Inspector. f)snnis sas tlu ke2s gone and instzad pbk up tlu lwpector's notebook. Chris And Colleymoore, perhaps you could fetch me a Dennis I shall lock the doors at once. pencil and my notebook from downstairs. Robert Naturally. He exix with tlu lrupector\ nottbook Sandra You don't think Perkins suspects us, do you? Jonathan re-entcrs, sees tlwn and erits again Max That old fool, of course not. Robert @n libl After you, Charles.

Robert andDennis exit Tlu lights sh!ft ta dnwnstnirs. Sandra Oh, enough words! Take me!

So-dra Verywell, I shall marryyou. , Robert bursts in

Max Florence! Come into my arms. Robert I forgot the Inspector's notebook . . . What in God's Sandra I shall! name. . . ! Max One embrace! Sandra I was about to faint! Cecil caught me! s".(" CeciM love Robeft I haven't time for this! Now I have the Inspector's ,on notebook, I'll be on my way. Robek6zzsts in. He sus tJu notebook has gone. He tal*s tlu aase instead and exits. Robert The Inspector requires a pencil! What on earth's going on in here? Max Blastedintemrptions! Sandra Sorry, I felt flustered! Cecil was cooling my brow! Sandra Kiss me, Cecil! Robert Very well, ifyou'll excuse me, I have the pencil. Max I want you Florence! You make my heart beat out of He sea thnt thse is no pmcil. In a panb lu grabs tlu set of key. He my chest! exils, clostng tfu door Sandra Your eyes send me into a dream! Kiss me, Cecil, I Max Thank God he's gone! That man's such a nuisance! can't wait a second longer! 22 The Play That Goes Wrong Act One 23

Pawe. Dennis is supposed tn haue burst in. ThzT look at tfu door Sandra But, if it is Thomas, what if our affair is discovered? Vamp. Eamtualfi is,f'ax frirses Sandra intcnsefu. thnt f)snni5 Just Max I don't think there's any doubt. He would try and kill bursts in k4 holding hpo candlesticks. us, just like he killed Charles! f)snni5 Sorry to interrupt, Mr Haversham, Miss Sandra Oh,I feel faint again! Colleymoore. I've come to prepare the room. Max Don't worry, FlorencelJust follow my lead . . . Max Thank you, Perkins. Put them on the mantelpiece. Chris opens the door. f)snni5 walk to the mantelpizce with the candlpstilks. He gou to put thern doun and ltnnie lzans through thefreplace and holds tlu Chris I'm sorry to have kept you . . . mantelp'izce in position. A cartouchz on thefreplace slips down and The heraldic shizld swings down and hits Chris in theface. He hastil, reueak Ltnie\face. Shz stares out at the othas. re-hangs it. Max At last we're a]one. Chris . . . but now I have inspected the body and Charles' Annie continues to stare awlalardl2fom thefireplace. study more closely, our interviews can proceed. (Calk throtqh the door) Perkins! Bring in Charles' personal e{Iects. Sandra Oh Cecil! Let's run away from here! Far away! Together! f,)snni5 enters with lots of bul@ personal props including a leazr

Max Soon, my love, but we must be carefirl. We mustn't Dennis Where would you like them, Inspector? arouse suspicion. Chris Set them down on the mantelpiece. Sandra Cecil, tell me, who do you think killed Charles? Dennis As you wish, Inspector. There's no question Max in my mind, Florence, he was Chris realises what he's said Dennis caries thz props ouer to killed by your brother, Thomas Colleymoore! Annie, who is still holding up the mantelpis6s. Dsnnis hands her the Sandra My brother! \Ay'hat a devil of a situation this is! items carefulj. Arrrrie struggles under the weight of the mantelpiece throughout the next exchange. Silznce. Dennis is supposed to leale but Jonathan yil^A bursts through the door holding a gun. doem't. ..Not Jonathan so fast, Inspector! Chris Don't go, Perkins. lMax and Sandra stnre at}oloragan, whl realises he has comt in Dennis goes to leaue and then stops. He sits down on the chaise longue- much too early and hurriedfu exits. Chris I'd like to ask you a few questions first. Mr Havenham. Sa'.dra But, why would Thomas want Charles dead? Miss Colleymoore, perhaps you'd be so kind as to give us a moment's privacy. Max Isn't it obvious? He was always bitter and possessive when it came to you! He didn't like the idea of his best friend Max Naturally. marrying his sister. He saw you together at tonight's engagement Max andSandra exit. party night and it drove him half mad and he snapped and killed Charles! Chris Don't just stand there, Perkins. Take a seat. 2+ The Play That Goes Wrong Act One 25 - f)snnis runairu ining He takes out a cigarette case. f,)snni5 Eighty irears. Dennis May I? Chris Eighty / yearc? Chris Go ahead. How are you feeling, Perkins? Dennis (corrects hinself) Eight years. f)snnis A little shaken sir, but I'll be fine. Chris Eight years. And have you enjoyed your time here?

He goes n light himself a cigarette, but burns his hand and drEs tfu f)snni5 My time with Mr Haversham has been nothing but match into the coal scuttle, whne it ignites tlu 'scotch'. Annie rs a joy. I feel that since I've come here I have been seen not only alarmed b7 thefire and drops all of the props loudQ on to thefloor as a butler but also as a friend and a confidant; if you need me Tirifrcd, slu ruslus off into th" *irgt. I'll be in my quarters, exits. Chris You were close with Charles Haversham? Chris Exits. f)snnis Yes, sir, very close. Dennis Exits! Chris You don't appear very upset by his death. [snnis realises and turns to go. If you'd be so kind as to send in Florence Colleymoore Dennis On the contrary, I've barely taken it in. Oh, he was Chris on your way out. such a kindly, charming man. Sandra bursts in,followed b1 Robert Dennis exils. Chris lt's true. Sandra No need, I'm already here! Don't ask too much of Detttris You met him? me Inspector, I feel fragile as glass. Chris Once, briefly at the local police station, he . . . Chris At last, Colleymoore. You found me a pencil? Robert runs out;from behind thefux with afire extinguishn and puts Robert Yes, Inspector. out thefire. He reakses fu\ been seen. Hands Cbltis the ke2s. Robert (ad libs) Evening, Inspector. We require the coal in the library. (Or simikr) Chris And my notebook?

He withdraws, carrling the coal scuttlz with him. Robert hands Chtis the uase. I knew I'd left them somewhere. Now I must to speak Chris Once, briefly at the local police station, he . . . Chris to your sister alone. Robert (01fl Of course they didn't notice. Robert Very well. I'll be in the library, Florence. Chris FIe came in as a consultant on a fraud case I was He exits. Chris questionr Sandra making notes with the keys and working on. tase. Dennis I see. Chris Don't fret, Miss Collelrynoore, my questions will be Chris How long have you been working at llaversham brief and to the point and then you can get some rest. Firstly, Manor? how old are you, Miss Colleymore? .-r

26 The Play That Goes Wrong Act One 27

Sr-dra Twenty-one. Sandra \ /hich letter?

Chris I'll make a note of that. (Trfus to makr a notz on tlu aase.) Chris Then how do you explain this letter? When were you and your fianc6 due to be married? Annie has taken the letter of and she passu it back through the Sandra In the newyear. "firefkce. Chris wites on uase again. Sandra You've read my letter? Where did you find it? Chris When did you first meet? Chris I'll tell you which letter! The one addressed to Cecil, written in your hand, declaring your love for him and how the seven months ago, my has known Sandra Only but brother thought of marrying Charles repulsed you. him since school. He introduced us at a local gala and it was Iove at first sight. I knew from the very first moment I saw him Sandra Charles read it . . . that he was the man I wished to marry. Chris (does Salr^dral linefor he6 high aoice) You've read my Chris Well, I think that's enough note-taking for now. letter? \4/here did you find it? (Back to his normal uoice) I'll tell you where I found it! In Charles'pocket! Sandra comes'in a line too eaily. Sandra Charles read it?! Then it zoas suicide. Sandra When you love someone there's no such thing as rushing, Inspector. Chris Indeed! Or a murder, conceived by yourself and Cecil Haversham so you could run away together. Chris Did you ever think you were rushing into this marriage? Sandra You diabolical beast. How can you? I won't stand for this, Inspector. Accuse me again and you'll be sor - Sandra rrtVhy wouldn't I love him? Robert bursts infollowd @iilif:ax- The door iets Sandra sharpf Chris Did you love him, then? on tlu luad and she collnpses, unconscious. Sandra Howcouldanyone havebenefited? Robert What's all this shouting? Chris Can you think of anyone who might have . . . Max What is this, Inspector? benefited from your fianc6's death? All register that Satdra is on thefuor Sandra Cecil?! Chris I'm merely interviewing Miss Colleymoore, nothing Chris Not even Cecil? more. Sandra I wasn't having an affair! Don't raise your voice to Max Florence, calm down, stop shouting! me, Inspector! Sandra remains uncorucious. Chris YOU WERE HAVING AN AFFAIR! Robert She's having one of her episodes. Snap out of it, S,-dra (slaps Chris) Don't tell me to calm down! you're hysterical!

Chris Calm down, Miss Colleymoore. (Rzads to skp.) Sandra remains unconscious. 2B The Play That Goes Wrong Act One 29

Max Florence! Where are you going? Max Almost four, yes . . . Sandra rmuins unconscious. Robert, Jonatha- and Annie pea through the curtain togetha to see Sandra is alright. Robert Come back here this instant! if Max And didn't I know it, Charles patronised and Sandra remains unconsci.ous. embarrassed me throughout our entire childhood. He always Robert She's run off. I'll fetch her back. You stay here thought he knew best, and Father always took his side. If he Cecil, I daresay the Inspector has some questions for you; you ever didn't get his way, he was unbearable. were Charles' brother after all. Now Annie, Robert andJoratihan all reach through the window He exits. and start to kfi Sandra out under the curtains. Max I'm sorry, Inspector, she's badly shaken, we all are. It's Chris He sounds far from the ideal brother. In fact it been quite a night and it's getting late. sounds like you hated one another. Chris (look at clock) Eleven o'clock already. Max I won't lie, Inspector, Charles and I never truly saw eye to eye, but if you're suggesting I had something to do with Tltz dock sqts 5:30. his murder, you're mistaken. Max Well, Inspector? Do you have any questions for me? Chris I see. It's a dark night, Cecil. Robe* peas through the curta'iru to see Sandra is alright. lf He pulk tlu curtnins ope4 rnealing Rober! Annie andJoln;athon. Chris Oh yes, Mr Haversham, similar questions to those I Thel allfreeae and tr2 not to be seen. Salrrdra is held unconscious, in asked Miss Colleymoore. an awlatsard position. Max Fire away Inspector, I'm at your service. Max Inspector? Chris Indeed. You and your brother, did you get along Chris You can barely even make out the trees. well? Max What are you saying, Inspector? Max Up and down. Since father died there was rather more Chris I'm saying, Cecil, that tonight would be the perfect strain on our relationship. It was no secret our father cared for night for you to murder your brother. Charles more than myself. Chris andMzxturn back downstage. Roberf Annie and Chris I see. This is your father in the portrait, is it not? Jonathan continue to rmtoae Sandra- It's tlu paintins of a dog Max Inspector, please, me and my brother had our Max Itis. differences, but deep down we cared for one another . . . Chris He looks the spit of Charles, doesn't he? Chris (ffiand) And yet you had an affair with his fianc6e? Max He did ever since he was quite young. Robert Annie andJonat}ran drE Saodlra and start again. Chris You were the junior by four years? Max What on earth gave you that idea? 30 The Play That Goes Wrong Act One 3l

Chris The letter I found in Charles'pocket from Miss Chris A ledgerlWith Charles'initials inscribed on the Colleymoore to yourself. cover. What's inside? Notes . . . bills . . . what's this? 'The Last Will and Testament of Charles Haversham' . . . dated only Max (shaken) You know about that? today?...Letmesee... Chris As, it seems, did Charles. He ties n nlce the ibbon of the document, but can't. He reads fom the Roberg Anrnie andJonatban haue managed to get Sandra out cLosed document. of the window. Annie pulk the curtains shut. 'I, Charles Haversham, hereby amend my last will and Max Well . . . Bravo, Inspector! Very good. You've found testament to leave my money, Haversham Manor and all its out about Florence and I, but it proves nothing. We didn't contents and grounds to one . . . 'Good Lord! have a thing to do with Charles' murder, but Thomas IMax and Robert mter Chris huniedl' puts the ledger and papn Colleymoore does. He's a dangerously unhinged man, with a awa). devil of a temper and Florence is his sister. I've said it before and I shall say it again; he couldn't give his sister up to any Max Thomas Colleymoore for you, Inspector. man, much less his old school chum. Tonight's engagement Chris Ah, thank you, Cecil. But before I question you, Mr party made him lose control and he lashed out at Charles. Colleymoore, I do need to review some documents in Charles' A crime of passion perhaps, but there it is. study. I'll return presently. Chris Thank you Mr Haversham, you've been most Max Take your time, Inspector. helpful. Perhaps you could fetch Thomas Colleymoore. I'm going to need to follow more than one line of enquiry at a time Robert Indeed. to get to the bottom of this. Max Tell me, Thomas, did you find Max At once, Inspector, anything to help the progress of Chris gets into the eleuator cariage and closes the doors. A drea{ul your investigation. clanking is luard. The upstairs doors opm but Chris is only hafuqt He exits, catching his arm in the door up to the upper leael. He indignantl2 climbs out on to tlu upper leael. He slides the ledgerforward out of his wa2 but it goes toofar and slips olf Hang it all, Charles. Who could've killed you? ^Chris the edge of tlu upper leoel. Robert catches it and thrcws it back up to (' Everybody under this damned roof seems guilty. ' Chris. He sits on the chaise longue. Max Tell me, Thomas, did you find Florence? That's queer. There's something underneath these cushions. Robert She ran out into the grounds. A ledger? The uoice-pipefunnelfalk off the wall Rrobert picks up thefunnel He rernoues the cushioru tlu cluise longue. There is no ledger He fom and puts it back on the wall, lcnocking the barometer off begins to searchfor it, pulling off the lining of the chaise longue, looking inside the pillows. Vamps to coam Euentuall2 hzfnds it underneath the Max And what were your feelings about Charles and tOaise longue. Florence's engagement? I I 32 The Play That Goes Wrong Act One 33

iMax piclcs up the barometer and puts it back on tlu wall" causirry tlu Dennis lasses Robert tlu bank booh painting d tlu dog tofall down l},f'zx goes to hold up tlu paintilry" f)snni5 Your bank book, sir. kauing thz baromzter lo Roberl Tlryt are lzfi hoWing up all tltree itans. He puts tfu bank book intn Robert's mouth. Robert I was overjoyed, of course. I love Florence and I loved Charles, I couldn't have approved more of the match. Robert Thank you, Perkins. Max But Colleymoore, it's well known that you're protective Dennis Your pen, sir. ofyour sister. He passes a pen throtgh the door and puts this inRobert's mouth as

The telephone rings. well.

I'll get it. Robert Thank you, Perkins. He rearranges himself to nlce thz phone again. He tri.es hard to ktep holding tlu picture against tlu wall whilz rearhing for the phone, which kups i"gry Fina@ Iu tries to hook it uith his How could you allow this to happen? This is an absolute foot. The receioerfalk of the tclzphone andfurther awa) on tlufuor disgrace! I shall report you to your superiors. Who am I speaking with? Mr Fitzroy.I'll write that name down. Max Good evening. (Beat.) It's for you. He wites thz name in his bank bookwith a lot of Robert Who the devil is it? d!fu"U Max Youraccountants, Collel'rnoore. Mr. . . Fi. . . tz. . . roy. I'll have you knowthis telephone call has put me in a very difficult position. Now look here, Fitzroy, Robert At eleven-thirty in the evening? I didn't authorise this transaction, you find out who did and call back. Max Yes. He throws tlu phone to lil,da+ who hangs it up. Robert Then hand me the receiver, Cecil. Max What is it, Colleynoore? lv[,ax slides the receiuer in betuteen hisfeet and manages to throw it up with hisfea and catch it in his ranainirry lwd. He stretthzs and passes Robert Nine thousand pounds taken from my private # to Roberg who eaentuall2 gets it, keeping tlu aoice-pipe and savings. What a ghastly evening. barometsr on the wall using his head. Max Thomas, I have a confession to make. (speaking in extreme disconlfort) Good evening. Yes, -$obert Robert Mm? T\omas Colleyrnoore speaking. It is inconvenient, yes! . . My retent deposits? What of them? . . . Discrepancies? What are Max Well . . . Florence and I are having an affair! lou talking about, man? . . . Gone? Gone where? . . . Nine Robert WHAT?! thousand pounds stolen! Good God, man! Perkins, get in here. He launches himself atlil,flflax, who diues dounstage. Tlu dog picture, Dennis enters through the door as as he can. far funnel and barometer mlstzriousfu all stay hongrng in their positions. Dennis Yes, sir. Robert and Max double- tnkz. Robert Perkins, fetch me my bank book. Robert You and my sister?! 3+ The Play That Goes Wrong Act One 35

He tlvowsMax dowrutage lzfi. tluir swords. is,[,ax tzars a section of thefont of his jumper to ranal a red slnsh offabric blood across his chzst. Max Now, calm down, Colleymoore. Robert I don't need this to kill a man like you! It seems You always were a snake in the grass, Cecil. Robert there's no doubt about who killed Charles any more. He was He pullsMax up b2 his hnir and drags him anoss tfu room" killed by his own vile little brother in a fit ofjealous rage. accidentall2 slnnming him inn tfu side of tlu clock Robert draws You'll be sorry you ever laid a finger on my sister, Haversham. a swordfrom tfufirepLon. You'll be sorry!

Max It's not what you think! We're in love! Robert andMax exit, slamming tfu door Tlu dog picture, aoire-pipe baromzter and curtsin rail allfall of tlu wall at once" Dennis Robert My sister does not love you. How dare you lay a f"n*b is reoealzd in tfu window with a glass of sherry on a tral. He hurrirdf finger on her? Your own brother's fianc6e! It's disgusting! No enters through thz door and sets tlu tralt down b1t tfu tzlephone. Suddntlt wonder your father hated you! three lnud gunshots and a scream are luard ofstage. Max Don't speak about my father, Colley'rnoore! f)snnis Gunshots in the library! He draws a sword. Chris (pick up tlu end of tlu uoice-pipe and speaks inn il Dear Robert The time has come for you to answer to me for your God, what's going on down there? indiscretions. Draw your sw En garde! - Denrris lookfor tfu othn md of the uoice-pipe dounstairs but can't T@,fuht. _firrd.it. He phks up tlu barometcr and speaks into it. Nice try, Cecil, but no match for my skill. You know sometimes f)snnis I don't know, Inspector; I heard screams and I forget you're Charley's brother, you're so pathetic. gunshots from downstairs! Please come down here!

Thz2fuht. JU[ax haps of tlu back of tfu chaise longue. Chris (into the pipe) I'm on my way, Perkins.

Max I always was too quick for you, but nice try, He gets in tlu elmato6 and it begins to dzscend. Robert entzrs through Colleymoore. tltz dowrutairs door

Afuorboardflips up and hix him in tlufau He stumbl.esforward and Robert Inspector! Inspector! Where's Inspector Carter? trips, breaking his sword. He holds up tlu brolun sword and mnJrcs f)snnis He's coming down now. sound fficts as tlryt continuefuhting l&,lax beats ' -sword-clang|ngRobert to tlufuor stage lzfi below tfu uppa lmel We hzar tfu eleuator crash to thefuor Chris bursts out in a cloud of -'Max smokt. You've got a good pary, Colleymoore! Robert There you are, Inspector. I don't know how you Robert Good parry! I'll show you a good parry'! manage to look so calm and collected in a situation such as this. He a.ccidennlfu thrusts his sword through the underside thz upper d Chris It comes from years of experience. lnel Thz blnfu comzs up betutem Chris'/rgs. Robert hies to pull his sword back butfnds it snch Both @ to continue tlufuht without Robert Indeed. 36 The Play That Goes Wrong Act One 37

Chris It is important we remain calm, and we don't let each Robert You shan't faint, confound it! What a devil of a other out of our sight. Where's Miss Colleymoore? situation this is! Robert She's coming now! Get in here, Florence! Jonathan bursts in again, holding his gun. Jonathanpusfus Annie in through the door Slu's wearing SandraS Jonathan Not so fast, Insp - ! dress ooer lur oun clothes and she clutches o scipt. He realises lu is no earlt, and exits again. After lnaairg he slowfu wallts Robert Florence, you don't Iook yourself this evening. past tlu uindow, his head in his hands. He slowfu realises the audimce can see ltim; mortfied, lte darts out of aieu Annie (reading each word slowlyfom the script, in a thick Lancashire accent) Thomas, I'm frightened! Robert We're all going to survive tonight, you hear me? purs the door Robert Don't worry, Florence; you're safe in here with me. Chtis out of Take cover! De'nnis ryVhat is going on? Chris Robert Great Scott! Chris Isn't it obvious! Cecil has lost control! [snnis Good heavens! Annie Cecil! Surely not! Annie Aye, me! Chris He killed Charles tonight, driven mad by his lust for you, and now he knows we've found him out! Chris Don't panic! Cecil's crossing the landing. We must Iock him out! Annie I cannot bear it. Cecil would not do such a thing. Robert \\rhere are the keys to the door, Perkins? Dennis This is a fine mess, sir! The worst night I've seen in eighty-eight years of service! Dennis Here they are, sir!

Annie Save me, brother, save me! He pulk out the notebookfrom his poclcet. Chris upends the uase, sending the ke2sJlying oal Dennis catches thern. She clings on to Chris, who pushes hn towards Robert Dennis Here they are, sir! Robert I shan't let anyone hurt a hair on your head, Florence. Chris Quickly, Perkins, hand them to me before Cecil - The door bursts open andMax staggers inside. He shufilesforutard a Annie I'm panicking! I can't believe . . . Cecil? few pacu and thmflops dead on to the chnise longue. Three bullet ;"-_'' r chris cecill wounds in his back Annie Cecil . . . is doing this. Chris Good Lordl

Dennis Try to stay calm, Miss Colleymoore! Short musical spike play. Annie I shall faint! Annie Cecil's dead?

Shefalk bark uithout warning Robert/sl catchz.r her Tlu same short musical spikt pk1ts. F '-

38 The Play That Goes Wrong Act One 39

Deanis A double murder! Annie (calm) I am having an episode, Inspector. I cannot help it. A short burst d 'Girk on Film' fut Duran Duran pl"ays. That suddmfu €ncourages fur to hale an episode. Annie trits to scream and the correct musical spike cuts in Chris shake as she has seen Sandra do in rehearsak. Trevor Found the Duran Duran, carry/ on. Chris No, Miss Colleymoore. Chris (checklMax's pulse) Time of death; quarter to mid - Robert and D ennis re- mtsr five o'clock. Robert Florence! Control yourself, girl. He clucks the clock It still reads 5:30. f)snnis She's having another episode. Annie (with gmuine affeaion) Cecil! No! No! No! I loved him! I loved him! I know it's wrong. I know I was engaged to Charles, Annie (calml2 reads) They're dead. They're gone and they're but Cecil was mine and. never coming back. Florence. Silence- Chris turns the page in her scipt Robert I will not tolerate another tantrum, me, Tom. You don't understand Annie I was his. Annie (calm) Get away from my gnef. Dennis There there, Miss Colleymoore. Robert That's enough! Take one of your pills. Arnie How will I go on? Sobs. Annie No. Not more pills. Chris You!Take this body outside. She nkes a pill with no hesintionfom Robert Dennis Yes, sir. Annie Oh, they're mints. Robert I'll lend you a hand, Perkins. Robert But who could have killed him? Chris I've seen a lot in the twenty years I've been an f)qnni5 That's a good question, Mr Colleymoore - Inspector, but hvo murders on one night is certainly unusual. Chris - and one we need to answer quickly if we're going to f)snni5 opms thz door and pulk out tfu ftpo shetchzr polzsfom earl:irr get out ofthis house alive. He andRobert lal thmt on thzfloor before rolkngMax on tap of th.e Oh Inspector, you've given me a chill. hno poles- The2 lft the poles, optimistically 1&,fax.grasps thern and Annie holding onfor dear W thq carrlt him towards thz door Rrobert and Chris Perkins, pour us all another scotch. f)snni5 can't getl0,|,o through tlu door, so tip him on to his sidt ff f)snnis Of course, Inspector. and exit through tlu door and past tlu window. He pours more whitz spiritfor ener)one. Annie Oh Inspector! My fianc6 and my lover killed on the same evel Chris Now, tell me, is there anyone else that you know of in the grounds other than the four ofus? Chris Remember your breathing, Miss Colleymoore, now is not the time for another of your episodes. Annie Not a soul. --

+0 The Play That Goes Wrong Act One +1

Robert The gardener left at six, the only other member of f)snnis That's a good question, Mr Colleymoore - staffis Perkins. (Dtinks and spits out thz white spiit.) Good God, I Chris and one we need to answer quickly if we're going to needed that. - get out of this house alive. Chris Does anyone else have access to the grounds? Annie Inspector, you've given me a chill! Annie No one, Inspector. Chris Perkins, pour us all another scotch. f)snnis I'm the only one with the master key and as f)snnis Of course, Inspector. instructed I locked and bolted the doors, as soon as you arrived. He pours white spiit again. Robert Then who could have killed him? Chris Now, tell me, is there anyone else that you know of in Thz scipt begins n go round in a loop the grounds other than the four ofus? f)snnis That's a good question, Mr Colleymoore - Anrrie Not a soul. Chris - and one we need to answer quickly if we're going to gardener left at six, the only other member get out of this house alive. Robert The of staffis Perkins. (Drinlu. Spits.) Good God, I needed that. Annie Inspector, you've given me a chill! Chris Does anyone have access to the grounds? Chris Perkins, pour us all another scotch. Annie No one, Inspector. [snnis Of course, Inspector. f)snnis I'm the only one with the master key and as He pours white spirit again. instructed I locked and bolted the doors as soon as you Chris Now, teII me, is there arryone else that you know of in arrived. the grounds other than the four of us? Robert Then who could have killed him?

Annie Not a soul. Tfu nript loops again. Robert The gardener left at six, the only other member of [snnis That's a good question, Mr Colleymoore - staffis Perkins. (Dtink. Spits out again.) Good God,I needed that. Chris - and one we need to answer quickly if we're going to get out ofthis house alive. Chris Does anyone have access to the grounds? Annie Inspector, you've given me a chill! Annie No one, Inspector. Chris Perkins, pour us all another scotch. Dennis I'm the only one with the master key and as instructed I locked and bolted the doors, as soon as you Dennis Of course, Inspector. arrived. He pours whitz spiit again. Then who could have killed him? Robert Chris Now, tell me is there anyone else that you know of in f)sn-is doesn't realise and the lnop goes around again. the grounds other than the four of us? '--

+2 The Play That Goes Wrong Act One +3

Annie Not a soul. Dennis (realisu) No one could have killed them, except the people in this room. IES! Robert The gardener left at six, the only other member of staffis Perkins. (Di"lu again. Spits out again.) Good God, I Chris Good God, you're right, it's one of us! needed that. All gasp. Chris Does anyone have access to the grounds? Annie (reads) This is a disaster! Blackout. Interval. Annie No one, Inspector. She realises her mistake. Dennis I'm the only one with the master key and as instructed I locked and bolted the doors as soon as vou arrived. oh. Robert Then who could have killed him? Blackout. TabsJl, in. Music.

Thz rcipt loops again. End of Act One Dennis That's a good question, Mr Colleymoore - Chris - and one we need to answer quickly if we're going to TNTERvAL Acrrvrry Afew minutes inn the intzraal the sqfeffi get out of this house alive. curtain begins to come doun, it stops afoot or huofom thefuor Trevor enters and quietQ pushes it down. Annie Inspector, you've given me a chill! Robert appears in auditorium/foyer in a robe and joins the queue.for Perkins, pour us all scotch. Chris another ice creams. Chris appears and sends him bacltstage. Dennis Of course, Inspector.

He pours white spiit again. Chris Now, tell me, is there anyone else that you know of in the grounds other than the four ofus? Annie Not a soul. Robert The gardener left at six, the only other member of staffis Perkins. (Throws the white spirit oaer Dennis.) Good God, I needed that!

Chris Does anyone have access to the grounds? Annie No one, Inspector.

Dennis I'm the only one with the master key and as instructed I locked and bolted the doors, as soon as you arrived. All Then who could have killed him?

. -rC Act Two +5

Act Two He exits. Introduction music plnlts and the tabs fl2 out, reuealing Annie, Matt Rober! Dennig Jonathan and the Stage Crew all re-lnnging Dramatic lrcuse nzusic plays. the pitture, uoice-pipefunnek, barometE curtains etc. on the walls. The;t Tlte house hghts fade and Chris once again emnges from in behneen see the audience. Chris mtersfrom the wings outraged. The house tabs the tabs. A spotlight picks him out of the darkness. stop andJ\ back in. Beat. The house tabsJlt back out, reuealing in their positionsfrom the end Chris Good evening again, ladies and gentlemen, I hope Rober! Denniq Chris and ltnnie vou have enjoyed the break, we will be resuming this evening's of Act One.Jonathan andMax haue gone. All wall hangings are perlormance in just a couple of moments I am assured. I must back in position. Beat. say I'm delighted to see that so many of you have returned for Dennis No one. . . the second half. All wall hangings crash down to thefloor Obr.iously I would be lying if I said the first act went entirely as rehearsed; there were one or two minor snags, which you No one could have killed them, except for the people in this may or may not have picked up on. But they are snags that room. would occur on anv opening night and this certainly hasn't Chris Good God, you're right, it's one of us! been the worst first act Cornley Polytechnic has seen, by some stretch. All gasp.

Last year our production of Joseph and tlte Amaatng'Icchntcolor Annie (readsfrom her scipt) This is a disaster. Dreamcoat got off to a sha\ start when we d'rdrit realise that one night at our set designer suffered from colour b\rndness. Anyway, Robert And it's not over yet! Two murders on Haversham Manor, what a gizzly evening. before we begrn again, one word of . . .

Chris is interrupted b7 Trevor's uoice olfstage ouer his raiLto. Annie Frightful, brother, frightful.

Trevor (ouer radio) It's going quite badly to be honest. f)qnnis And look, Mr Colleymoore, the snowstorm outside is building. Chris Before we resume the . . . Max appears in the window and throws snow out. Trevor (ouer radio) Yeah, she's unconscious, and we still can't find the dog. . . Robert If we're not careful we'll be snowed in to this slaughterhouse. guilty man. Chris Before we resume the production one word of health We must discover the and safety administration; can I please ask anyone who Chris Indeed. The gunshots were heard coming from the consumed one of the raspberry-ripple flavoured ice creams library. I shall investigate the room. AII of you remain here. available during the interval to please seek medical help immediately. He exits through the downstairs door

And now, without further ado, please put your hands together Robert This whole business is a disgrace. Now, let us for the concludins act of The Murder at Haaersham Manor. remind ourselves of what we know. +6 The Play That Goes Wrong Act Two +7 f)snnis We know Charles Haversham was found dead, Robert Of course, Florence, that's what brothers are for. here, in his own private rooms gn the night his engagement Dennis This is a disaster! And already it's midnight. parly. Trevor plalts a loud clock chimingfftum times. Robert We know that his fianc6e was involved in an affair with his own brother, Cecil. How could my sister behave in [snnis That was most ominous. such a way? Robert Ominous indeed. Anrrie Not now, Thomas! We know that he too was Chris mters upstairs, holding a gun. He calk into the aoice-pipe. murdered on the same evening, in cold blood. Chris Study to lounge. Are you there, Colleymoore? f)snni5 The only thing we don't know is who the murderer is. Robert Inspector? Annie Oh, the tension in this house is - Chris Qyicky! Come up to Charles'study. I need to speak She trips up oaer thztfaltzn curtains and. drops htr scipt on thefuor The to you. pagu go €ler)where. Slu ties to pick them up but theit are all out of order Robert At once, Inspector.

Annie Oh, the tension in this house is . . . Oh, the tension in He gets into the ehaator cariage. The eleuator rises but thefloor brealcs, this. . . oh, it. . . oh, it's tense. lzauing him on the lown leuel. Hefalls out. Robert Florence. How are you feeling now? Chris There you are, Colleyrnoore! Annie (ad libs) I'm great, yeah, really good. Robert Yes, Inspector. Robert That's dreadful. He ties to climb up to the uppu leael. must speak with you, Thomas. Annie (ad libs) Oh yes, dreadfirl, I want to die! Chris I Of course, Carter. Robert That's the spirit, Florence. Robert Chris Are you sitting comfortably? Dennis But now, Miss Colleymoore, I must ask you an important question, where were you when the murder was Robert Mostcomfortably,Inspector. committed? f)snnis and ltnnie try to push Robert ap. He mnnes the Ltne to her He potnts down snd mimes dnnl{Lng a cup of Chris Before we speak; I must check no one else is in earshot. tea. Anrrie misintuprets. Robert No one else is here, Inspector. Annie I was on the floor with a moustache. Chris Very well. Colleymoore, I have found the weapon Robert That makes perlect sense. So was I. that was used to kill Cecil Haversham. Annie reads of the wrong page of the scipt. Robert Tnanages to get up on to the upper leuel and takes the gun Annie Kiss me a thousand times - I'm yours! fomChris. +B The Play That Goes Wrong Act Two +9

Robert Good Lord, where was it? Dennis I don't know either, Miss Colleymoore! Quickly, - w€ must hide you out of harm's way. Charles had a hidden Chris In the library. It was lying on the table, muzzle warrn passageway built behind this bookcase. Stand back, I'll open it. and the barrel still smoking. He pulls a book downfom the boolcshzlf ltfalls n thc ground. Nothing Robert Someone killed Cecil with this? happms. He looks at the bookcase. It turns and swallows him up. Chris Yes, less than half an hour ago. Dennis (01fl Step inside, Miss Colleymoore. Robert But. .. who? Annie sttps infont of the bookcase and it swiaels agai4 swallowing hoping you would be able to tell me that, Chris I was her and spitting De"nis back out. The bookrase keeps turning More Collel.rnoore? After all we are friends, aren't we? knocking comes fom thz downsta'irs door I have no idea who killed Cecil, I was down in the Robert Dennis You're safe in there, Miss Colleymoore. kitchens when I heard the gunshots, fetching my sister some refreshment. . . The bookcase spins round agatn, spitting Annie out. i' Heforgets his line. f)snnis You're safe in there, Miss Colleymoore.

Une! The boolccase spins swallowing ltnnie and spittirg Trevor back out on to the stage. Trevor gets up, looking co4fned. He goes to exit Trevor I don't know what page we're on, mate! tltrough the door, but luars more knocking and panics, hiding in the long- Robert I don't know what page we're on, mate. case clock I He realises this isn't the line and loolts n Trevorfuiousfi. Derrnis You're safe in there, Miss Colleymoore. Chris (prompts Robert) Besides, why would I / want to. . . ,4s Dennis moaes towards the downstairs door it opms to reaealMtx ','/. Robert Besides, why would I want to kill my oldest friend's drused os a new ch-aracter (Arthur the Gardenzr) in oaeralls and with a younger brother? beard, pipe and a pair olf secateurs, holding a lzay' with no dog He giues the same performatue he did as Cecil. Chris Perhaps because you found out about his a{fair with Florence. We all know you're a jealous man, Colleymoore, f)snni5 (in shock) Arthur the gardener! \fhat are you doing ruthlessly protective of your sister. here? Robert Protective! I approve of whatever makes my sister Max I was gardening late in the grounds with Winston, huppy. when we got caught in the storm and couldn't make it home. Chris Don't play the fool with me, Thomas. You shot Cecil Dennis Good heavens, Arthur, come inside. You won't Haversham in cold blood and you know that wasn't the plan. believe what a nightmare this evening has been. Lights shfr to doumstairs. There is a fuary knock at the door Max How do you mean? Woah, Winston, down from the f)snnis Who the devil could that be? chaise longue!

Annie (wrong pagQ I don't know either, Miss Colleymore! Thq look at tlu bad. Nothing happeru. 50 The Play That Goes Wrong Act Two 5l - Dennis Mr Haversham was murdered tonight. Chris A new draft of Charles' Last Will and Testament, dated only today. It appears he has changed the beneficiary. Max Charles Haversham? He takes tlu willfrom his poclcet and passes z7 to Roberg who cannot He walks into the pillar supporting tlu uppu lmel and lvtock it oug untie tfu ibbon. causing the leael" withRober* and Cbris on it, to slnnt s@hb. Tlu dink trollq and chair roll across thzfuor Robert stops tlwn before Robert Who on earth has he changed the benefic - Who . . theit roll off the edge. Chris andRobert shwl2 dge to tJu door and on . . . earth has he changed the beni - lUho has fu changed the. . tr) to g0 through it" but the handle comts ofr l"**g tlwn trappd. He pretmds tn read of of thefont of it. And not only that, his Cecil has also been f)snnis brother Good Lord! killed. Chris That's right! Max Heavens! That explains the strange goings on I have seen in the grounds this evening. Robert He's leaving it all to - Perkins!

Dennis Strange goings on? Lights s hifi downs tnirs. Max A mysterious figure stood by the shrubbery that stands f)snnis Arthur the gardener: /ou're suggesting that outside this very room and I noticed that the latch on the Florence Colleymoore broke into Charles'private rooms this window was forced open and Winston found this on the ground aftemoon? beneath it. Max Florence has killed her own fianc6! He produces a handlcerchi{ his poclwt. from f)snnis Miss Colleymoore, get in here now! A lace handkerchief. Q,uiet, Winston! Stained with a deep red The boolaase spins around reuealing Annie holding a difermtfolder mark with a distinctive scent. with a new script in it. f)snnis Cyanide. Dennis Miss Colleymoore, you killed your fianc6 and we Max Precisely, cyanide . . . and you can tell from the shape have the evidence to prove it. r of the mark it's been used to hold a bottle. But not only that, (ginntng, lcnowing she\ got it How dare you, the handkerchief is also embroidered with the initials 'F.C.' Annie nght) Perki - f)snni5 ...FlorenceColleymoore. The dinles hollqt on tlu upper lnel slips andfalk towards Annie. Max Indeed. Robert catthes it Lights shifr upstairs. Lights shffi upstairs. Chris The time has come to confront Perkins and tell him Chris I must show you something, Thomas. No doubt we know what he has done! Get in the elevator, Colle)rmoore. you'll find it interesting. Robert cannot mouefom wlure he is, holding tlu clmir ond drinlcs trollgt up. Robert s lips foruard s lightl2. Robert What is it, Inspector? Robert Yes, Inspector. 52 The Play That Goes Wrong Act Two 53

He edgu to tfu elmator and Loolcs inside. He shaku his head. Chtis Chris A handkerchief. jumps of tfu doum on to tfu lower lzuel. 4t f)snnis Monogrammed - Chris Perkins. Chris Monogrammed! Annie (readingfom nipt) Thank heavens, Inspector. These Max - and stained with cyanide. two have been accusing me of the most dreadful things. Chris C1'anide! Max Hold your tongue, we all know what you've done! Woah, Winston! Down boy! Max Dropped on the ground beneath the forced window that was used to gain access to this room so someone could Winston, Inspector's [snnis the here to help us. poison Charles. Max I'm sorrl' about Winston, Inspector. I'll put him outside. Chris Good God! How dreadfuM must inspect this He throws tlu kat out of tlu door handkerchief in more detail. Colleymoore, fetch my magnifying glass from Charles' desk. Chris Arthur, I presume. Robert Without delay, Inspector. f)snni5 Arthur the gardener is the gardener, Inspector. Robert trins to get up and reach outfor tfu magn!fiiatg glnss but can't. Max I'm the longest-serving member of staffat Haversham TIu upper lztel sudden\ drops again, ?utting it on eaen more of an Manor. incline. This sends the desk sliding down towards Robe4 who psnnis He's been working for Mr Haversham for ninety manages to stop it and hold all thefurniture. He rummages in tfu years. drawer, produca the magnfiing glass and passes it t0 C.hris.

Chris (aside to [snni5) Nine. Robert Your magnifying glass, Inspector. Dennis Ninety-nine years. Chris Thank you, Thomas. Chris NineE-nineyarsi \Arhat a dedicated man. But Arthur, f)snni5 But Inspector, there is something you do not know I was informed you left Haversham Manor at six o'clock about that handkerchi - today? It appears you were hiding in the grounds on the night The telephone rings kudu. two men were murdered here. Max I'll get it. (Picks up receiuer) Good evening? (BeaL) It's for f)snnis Arthur became trapped in the snowstorm and you, Mr Colleymoore. couldn't make it to the gates. Robert (fom beneath tlufurninre) Another telephone call? Chris How implausible. I don't suppose you realise what Max Yes, sir. you have walked into this evening then, Arthur? Robert Who is it, Arthur? Max On the contrary, Inspector. lt appears I have discovered a clue that rrll close this case. Max Mr Fitzroy, sir.

He hnlls out thr, monogrammed h.andkerclnef. Robert Hand me the receiver, Arthur. 54 The Play That Goes Wrong Act Two 55

l0rdzx trips lo pars Robert thz receiaer but tlrc cord doest't reach. J&,[ax Annie Oh! Stop it, Inspector! Cecil's dead too now and I - and C.hris create a chain of armsfom the phone with C,htis' hand certainly didn't kill Charles. in a phane shape at thz end, whhh some stretching tfu1 manage tn {ter Robert eumtuall2 gets all thefurninre out of the door More aamp get to Robert's ear doumstairs if necessar2. Robert FitTro2lThank you for calling again . . . Yes, this is a Robert If you'll excuse me. much more convenient time, thank you . . . Another transaction traced . . . A one-way ticket to Dover? No, I have no idea! He closes the door pounds of my money to someone You've given nine thousand (Off.) I think it's going rather well! else. You are causing me more pain than you could possibly imagine! I shall hang up the phone immediately. He is immedinteQ seenfalling past the window.

Thz phone is hung up. Chris You are the murderer, Miss Colle)rmoore. Dennis Mr Colleymoore, you look like you could use a Annie Me! The murderer! How can yo - scotch. Robert enters sharpfu through the dounstairs door; lcnockirgAnnie No more scotch thank you, Perkins. What a out. Robert "Alol evening! I must check my bank records once more, dreadful Robert I checked my bank recor - Oh! if you'll excuse me . . . Chris You're lying Florence, you killed him! He begins to try and exit throtqh thz upstnirs doo6 crawkng with all the of her hysterical episodes. furninre tuwards it. Tlu fusk hns 'Two Sisttrs'wittm on tlu back of it. Robert She's having another one Robert If you'll excuse me . . . If you'll excuse me! He and Chris lfi up ltnnie's body atd it fur on the windowsill. Dennis Inspector! There is something about the Chris You killed your fianc6, Florence! What do you have handkerchief you have not detected! to say for yourselP Chris \4/hat is it, Perkins? Sandra (01fl I am no murderer! Dennis It bears initials . . . the initials 'F.C.' She bursts in throtgh tlu swhtel bookrase in her undmpear Cbris and Robert drE Annie backwards through thz window. Max Florence Colleymoore is the murderer, Inspector! Chris We all know that's not true . . . Chris You are the murderer, Miss Colleymoore. It is plain for us all to see. You were engaged to be married to Charles, Sandra It is true, Inspector! who according to your letter you despised. Not only this a man Max You've been exposed. but you were having an affair with his brother - Chris Very well, Miss Colleymoore, your name can easily Annie Cecil! be cleared; we shall examine Charles' body for evidence of Chris - Cecil. It seems plausible to me that you both cyanide poisoning. Colleymoore, Perkins, show me to the murdered him so you could be together. service quarters of the house to check the deceased once more. 56 The Play That Goes Wrong Act Two 57 f)snnis Inspector. Max Miss Colleymoore! I do not feel as you suggest! You - are a murderer and a seductress and I shall not be seduced. Chris Arthur, you stay here with Miss Colleymoore and He pushes a too hard and slu htocks the cloclc ensure she does not leave this room. Sandra awa) little inn Trevor is startled within tlte clock and opens tlu doo6 knocking Robert andDennis exit with him through tlu dounstairs dpor Sandra out again. Shefups on tp tfu chnise longua Mex ond Sandra andls'f'zx are alow again. Max stares at tlzefuor; lu canrnt Trevor look at one anothtr M;ax giles Trevor tlu scipt. Trevor look atSandrt reads Flormce's next knefom thz script.

Sandra Arthur, you have known me years) surely you Trevor (reads) But I'm a beautiful woman, how can you believe I would never do something like this! resist me?

Max On the contrary Miss Colleyrnoore, it was I who lv[ax. and Trevor try to continue while loading Sandrat discovered you to be the guilty party. unconsciousform into thz clock Sandra Oh Arthur! How can you! Please, you must protect Max Stop, Miss Colleymoore! You are using your power me from these fiends! I'll do anything to win your trust! over men as you always have.

She throws herself into JU.[ax's arms. Trevor (reads) You can't pretend your feelings aren't real! Max Oh no! Miss Colleymoore! Do not use your feminine Max Very well, Mss Colleymoore, it is true perhaps that wiles to confuse me. I have admired you. Sandra I have seen the weiy you look at me across the Trevor (reads) Then kiss me, Arthur! You know you want to! gardens. Beat. Trevor thm approachzs Max" Max look awqt Max. stares awaltfrom hu Trevor Kiss me, Arthur! You know you want to! t'/' Sandra Even now, the way you're looking at me. The way lvIzx look scared Vamp. He suddtnQ,te'sses Trevor. Roberf you're looking . . . the way you're looking. . . the way you're Chris andDennis entzr looking...at...me... Robert What on earth is going - She turrs Maxt head to look at lur, anidentalb tzaring of l&,dax's mutton chop. Sibnce. Sandra The way you're looking at me! I know how you What on earth is going on? feel - Max I can explain. Max Please, Miss Colleyrnoore! I am a simple gardener, I . . . Robert I don't think you can. Sandra - and you have said before how radiant I look f)s'.ni5 Miss Colleymoore in Arthur's arms? when walking across the grounds. Please Arthur, protect me, A second affair? I'll be yours if you do . . . Chris Florence, you've changed. She grasps }&,[ax tighter Robert 58 The Play That Goes Wrong Act Two 59

Trevor (reals) Your wild accusations have driven me to this! f)snni5 She's fainted. My nerves are a wreck! Ifeel dtzzyl Max It's all become too much for her. Chris I suggest you settle down, Miss Colleymoore! Chris Quickly, lie her down on the chaise longue. f)snnis Quickly! Where's her medication, Mr Colle)'moore? lMax and Dennis Qfi the clock on to the chaise longue. Beat. Thz lzgs Robert Blast, I must have left it in the study. snap on the chaise hngue.

He exits tloorsh the downstairs door Chris That's better-

Chris Miss Colleymoore! You are a vile criminal! Roberf entering with the pill box and a glass of wate6 sees tlu dock. f)snni5 And to think we took you in! Robert I found Florence's medication . . . \Arhat's happened? Max You manipulated me! I have let my master down tonight! Chris Florence has fainted.

Chris All the while you were plotting your fianc6's demise! Robert Good Lord. I'll wake her up. (Throws water on to the c/or,t She's out cold. Trevor Oh no, Inspector, all these accusations . . . I feel an ) episode coming on. Chris But Arthur, is this the figure I saw outside the window earlier on this evening? He begins to hnzte an episodt. Chrts pusfus Trevor aside and fu trips under tfu uppu ltuel. Max I cannot tell, Inspector. Mr Colleymoore, please move Chris No, Miss Colleymoore. her hands from her face. slowl' koks at thz clock hands, sw!ft|2 tears the honds the Robert reappears throrqh tht upstairc door As he stzps on tlu upper Robert off and poclcets them. lnel" itfu@, collapses, cnnhing Trevor. Silznce. clockfau

Robert (r0 Chris) I don't think they noticed. Max It was not her, Inspector. Besides, the figure I saw was that of a man. He exits and closes the doo6 causing a lighting truss to swing downfom tht Annie slnwl2 stands up in tfu window. Robert slnua her out of sight. "S. Chris An adulteress and cold-blooded killer! Chris Of course it was, you were taken in a by a handkerchief planted outside to frame Florence. She and Cecil both have Sandra @tithin thc clock) I'm not, Inspector! plausible motives for murder . . . but the true motive belongs All turn toface tlu clock. Sanilra ties to get out. Chris ltclps but sfu to Perkins. is stuck inside. Annie enters through tfu door; getting in betuteen Chris and Dennis Chris Yes you are, Miss Colleymoore! as Chris poinls lo Dennis.

Sandra (fom within the clock) Oh, Inspector! I can't take this f)snni5 Me, Inspector? any more! I shall faint! Chris You, Perkins! It appears Charles made Perkins the Tfu clock is lowered on to oru si.de. Beat. sole beneficiary of his inheritance. 60 The Play That Goes Wrong Act Two 6l

Dennis This is all a mistake! Dennis You did it, because Charles knew about the police money you were - (Checlrs hand.) embezzling. Chris Save your pleading . . . Chris Nonsensel Annie climbs up on top of the clock to resume plEting Florence. Dennis You say you'd met before - that he was a consultant Save your pleading for the police station. Chris on a fraud case you were working on. He throws handcuffs lo Rober! who cffi Dennis to the chaise Chris What of it? longue. Dennis Charles found the reason why no arrests had been Thomas, handcuffhim to the chaise longue lest he Chris made were because the man committing the crime was escape before I can drive him there. yourself. You were the - (Checks hand.) fagade. (Chuks lnnd Max That won't be for hours, the snow is at its peak. again.)The perpetrator. You were the peryetrator.

Snow is thrown through the window into Cbris'face. Chris You can't prove it. Dennis It's not true, I tell you. Max But Charles could, and that's why you killed him.

Aanie pretmds to wake uP. Chris Never! Annie What happened! I must have fainted! Curse my Derrnis I know your secret, Inspector. \A/hat will you do? delicate - Kill me too?

Sandra opens tlu door of the gran{ather clock, hittingAnnie. Chris (draws a gun and points it atDennis) I willl Confound it. Sandra What happened! I must have fainted! Curse my Sandra and Annie What a devil of a situation this is. delicate constitution. Jonathan enters through the downstairs door, again holding his gun. Robert You did faint, Florencel We've learned that Perkins Jonathan Not so fast, Inspector! committed the murderl All hugefu shocked at this. Sandra Perkins? But he's such a kinclly old man. Robert Charles! Denrris There must be some misunderstanding! I didn't kill Charles. But I know who did. Chris Havershaml Alr WHO? flsnnis andMax Sirl Dennis INSPECTOR CARTER! Sandra Charleyl I thought you were dead.

All gasp. Chris You're alive? It's not possible. Max What on earth? Jonathan Oh, I'm afraid it is. You couldn't kill me that easily. Chris Poppycock! Chris How did you survive?

I I 62 The Play That Goes Wrong Act Two 63

Jonathan I simply didn't drink the poisoned sherry you left Dennis Precisely, and after committing the crime you out for me this evening. found Charles'will in his ledger and tried to pin the whole thing on me. Sandra Oh Charley, this is more than I . . . Sandra appears through the window. Annie s/ings Sandra ffitage through the swiael bookcase and stands ne.xt to it. Sandra You damned craf-

Annie Oh Charley, this is all more than I can bear. Annie hits Salr.dta with the tra2. Shefalk out of sight behind the Jonathan Ever since we last spoke at the police station it window. was clear you thought I was on to you. It was at this point I Annie You damned crafty devil! became afraid you'd try to kill me. For months now I've had Crafty, indeed. Perkins here is as innocent as I am. my guard up and tonight you fell into my trap. Jonathan Remove those handcuffs this instant! The bookcase suddenfu swhtels, swallowing up lnnie and reuealing Robert Of course, Charles, I have the key. Sandra. He goes to release f)snni5 but he doesn't haue the ke1. As he searches Dennis You've been hiding in the grounds ever since this his poclcetsfor the ke2, Dennis remains handcffi to the chaise longue. alternoon when you planted the poison. Sandra 'is seen getting up behind the uindow and running to the Max It was you that I saw. You were the mysterious figure. downstage door Annie is therefirst and holds the door shut. Sandra I thought it was strange . . . Jonathan Drop the gun, Inspector! The boolaase swiuek again this time reaealing Annie. She puts hzr Sandra(ffi Aye / mel back across the bookcase blockingSanilrafrom coming back in. Annie Aye me! Annie I thought it was strange you got here so quickly in Chris Never! I came here to kill you Charles, and I won't such terrible weather. leave until the job's done. Saadra kups Qting to swiael the boohasefom ffinge but is still It's over, Inspector. I could prove your guilt in a blocked &7 Annie. She runs oter to the window and ltnnie quickl, Jonathan second. I have the evidence upstairs in the safe in my study. ha; picking up a tra2 on her wa1. .follows Fetch the papers, Perkins. Max But what about the handkerchief bearing Florence's Yes, sir. initials? f)snni5 He goes to lzaue but is still handcffid to the chaise longue. Robert Jonathan Perhaps you should ask Inspector Carter, or andMtx llft the dock of the chaise longue and Dennis slowll starts should I say Inspector Frederick Carter. to drag the clnise longue ouer touards thefallzn studlfuor tofetch the All F.c.! papers. Robert and JNdax. place the clock down cenhe stage. Max The same initials. Jonathan Lower your weapon, Inspector. It's over.

I I 64 The Play That Goes Wrong Act Two 65

Chris What are you going to do, Charles? Shoot me in Robert It's true. I'm the Inspector's accomplice; I helped front of a room full of witnesses? him move the money. But don't you think for one second I'm going down for this. Good Godl Charley's locked the door. Jonathan Don't think I wouldn't do it, Carter! You tried to kill me; I'd merely be returning the favour! The door comes off in his hand. Annie Please, Inspector! You're frighten - We're trapped. Sundznu Sandra bursts out of the dock. Antrie opms tfu door to He quickfu ditches the door offstage. reueal no one there. Annie is the others amazed. fuiouq Chris Q,uickly, Colleymoore! Get in the elevator. We can Sandra Please, Inspector! You're frightening me! escape down the east staircase. Chris You ought to be frightened! Max Get away from the elevator, you two. Winston, get him, boy! Jonathan Arthur, keep everyone in this room while I send a wire to the local police. He throws the lead al Chrig screan$, as f under attack b1t Winston. Max Yes, sir. Chris Down, Winston! Jonathan hands Js,fax the gun and exits through thz dounstairs door He throtns tfu lead out of thz window. Jolrrath,en bursts in through the upper-lnel dooA falk df the edge, grabs on to the broken huss and Sandra and Annie You monster! You tried to kill Charles swings across the stage, smdirry Chris, Robert andMaxJQing. and you killed Ce - Jonathan l"ands b1' the dounstairs doorwal tranbling. Annie chnrges al Sandra but sltz moues out of the wa1 and ltnnie Joaathan Now to send that telegra - Aaaahh! charges out through the windou. Chris Colleymoore) we can escape through the How could you! Q;rickly, Sandra - and you killed Cecil. study. Slu stands back infrcnt of tlu window but Annie pops up wtd drags f)snni5 slides back down tlu upper-lzuelfloor, still handctffid to tlu her out through it and throws hzr on theflooz Annie dina on to chaise longue and now carrling thz papers. f)snnis throws the papas Sandra taith fur shoulder, loJonathrn. admit, I tried to kill Charles, but I never went Chris I'll Dennis The papers, sir. anywhere near Cecil. In fact when I discovered that you and he were having an affair I was overjoyed. I had the perfect He throus tfu papers foJonath'- man to pin it on. Until my accomplice blundered in. Jonathan Thank you, Perkins, now fetch my reading glasses Max Your accomplice? from the library.

Robert rushes to the door and trizs to get out. Dennis Yes, sir. Chris Thomas Colleymoore! He caries the chaise out through the door. Chris andRobert run up the ramp and cling on to tlu set. Robert arriaes at the doo4 i0'[ax. turrn quitkfu and tlu barrel of tfu gunJlizs offi narrowfu mi.ssittg Robert Robert Get out of my way, Charles. I

66 The Play That Goes Wrong Act Two 67

Chris Push him aside, Colleymoore. Do You want to spend Jonathan Now I hold in my hand, a written list of every the rest of your life in jail? fraudulent transaction Thomas Colleymoore and Inspector Carter made. Robert I will strike vou down, Char lgrr! Annie This can't be true, I can't belie - He tries to strike but ouerreachzs, trips and slides down to the bottom of Sandra throws the aase at Anrte. Annie duclcs and the uase the stud1t floor, grabbing at Chris to saue himself Robert drogs sntashes against tlu back u,all. Chris to the bottom with ltim. Sandra This can't be true. I can't believe it! I won't believe it! Clrris ICs use\ess, Co\\eymoore, there's no waY out. Jonathan Your sordid affair sickened me, Florence. You Sandra runs back in. broke mv heart. Sandra Brotherl I'm surprised at'- Annie and Sandra both tr1, and get hold of Jorath;an to continue Annie appears in the window with the ledgu. hits Sandra in the ilu scene, knocking him to thefloor in the process. .stonmch and then ouer the head with it. Sandra and Annie I made a mistake. Please, take me back Annie Brother, I'm surprised at you. I don't know what I'll be yours all over again. you've become. Jonathan Take back a woman who betrayed me? Never! She jumps in through the window. Sandra and Annie Charleyl You're all I have! Love mel Pleasel Don't cast me aside! I shall be an outcast in the town! ,/ Robert (gettuxg up) I feel so ashamed. Carter and I found that My friends shan't speak to me. Never again shall I feel your between us we could steal monev from the police's sundry embracel Let me be your wifel accounts easily. Carter had access and I had the facility to move the money fast and keep it secure, or so I thought until Dennis slides back down thefloor with the reading glasses and heads earlier on this evening . . . for the door

Heforgets his line. Dennis (ot,er the shoutinq) Your reading glasses, sir! Line! Jonathan (.ozter the sltoutingl Thank you, Perkinsl Doorbell Trevor emergesfrom belout the collapsed upper leztel. sounds. J'[oise sub sides. Get the door, Perkins. Trevor This set's a bloody death trap! Dennis Yes, sirl He shufilu off through the door He e.rih, still with the chaise longue in tou,. Robert This set's a bloody death trapl Jonathan That will be the police to arrest you both. Chris (prompts Robert) As for Cecil . . . Anniegrals Sandra's ankles and drags lzer out througlt the door Robert As for Cecil, that was more a crime of passion, simple as that. Annie Charleyl I cannot bear - 68 The Play That Goes Wrong Act Two 69

Sandra Charley! I cannot bear itl Look at me, like you used Annie TAKE ME, CHARLEY! IF YOU KNOW WHAT'S to look at me! GOOD FOR YOU! Jonathan Silence, Florence! You mean nothing to me now! Jonathan Except what you didn't know, Thomas, was that the Inspector made a nine thousand pound withdrawal from life! Sandra (managing to stand up) This is the worst night of my your private accounts this morning and after framing someone Annie punches Sandra in theface. Slufalk out of sight behind the for my murder planned to flee with a one-way ticket to Dover, taking every penny with him! u,indow. I think it's time to have a look inside your attachl case, Inspector. Annie NolNo! Nol This is the worst night of my life! He throws the attachi case to Robet\ who opms it and produces a Max I think this is the worst night of all of our lives. small green bottle. Annie goes through the door and appears in the window. Slu stamps on Jonathan The bottle of cyanide! Sandra before ducking out of sight. Robert produces a bundle of bank notes. But Thomas, Carter had you fooled, didn't he? Jonathan Jonathan Thomas Colleymoore's nine thousand pounds! What do you mean? Robert Robert And of course, your one way ticket to . . . Duran Jonathan He never intended to share the money with you! Duran! Let me summarise . . . He produces a Duran Duran CDfrom the attachi case. Annie (.through the uindow) I love you, Charley! Jonathan He allowed you to take all the risk by storing the stolen money in your private accounts. Isn't that right, Inspector? She begins hining Sandra with thz tralt Alright, it's true. I forged your signature Inspector Carter knew I discovered you and he Chris at the bank Jonathan and took out every penny. I hadn't bargained on your were both embezzling police money, so you hatched a plan to accountant catching on this quickly and telephoning you so kill me, planting cyanide in my sherry. soon. Annie appears with a roll of industrinl tape. Annie has made it back onstage. Sandra appears in the window, Annie I've still got the ring, Charleyl We can make it work! tied up with tape. Robert runs at Chrig seilu his gun and points it at him. She begins to tape Sandra's hands togethzr. Robert You rogue! I trusted you! You made a mistake Jonathan Then, mistakenly believing I was dead, Inspector there, Carter, and I'm afraid it's your last! Carter tried to pin my murder on Cecil and Florence because of their affair, until your accomplice Thomas blundered in and Chris No! shot my brother Cecil. Carter then tried to pin it on Perkins Robe*fres the gun- It doesn'tfire. He tia the gun again: nothing instead after frnding my vn\\ in the \edger. He tries again.

Annie Lools up Jrom taping Sandra- Chris BANG! 70 The Play That Goes Wrong Act Two 7l

Chrisfalk to tfufuor Robert lowers tlu gun n his sidq wltcre it Trevor (ffi Just die, for Christ's sake! exploda loudu, hurting his hnnd. Robert Just die, for Christ's . . . How dare you! Robert ARGHIMy fingers! j0l[ax. He dies. throws mowfrom ofsnge. loloratJlrqn moaes c€ntre. Dennis The officers are waiting in the hall, si - Lightsfue and a spot comes up on him. He mters through ttu dounstairs doory lcnocking ouer tlu wholz doorfut Jonathan Oh, how I wish this could have ended diflerently with tlu chaise longue. Chris rolk out of tlu wq of tfufallingfut, Thomas, your lies and deceits have led you inexorably to this ba.ck colkdi;ng with the sending tlwt oucr as Robert moan frepktefu4 end. If men allow their conscience to be governed by avarice welL Tlu wall at tlu tlp 0f tlte upper lnek collnpsa. Silmca Stillness. then death and destruction shall prevail. (Iuithfnalie.) Suddnb tlu windowfutfalls dnwn as well, leatting ltnnie *andirgin Betrayed by *y brother! tlu windowframc and rnealing Sandra daaed baclcstage. Sibnce. Stillness again. Max. throws mowfrom ffinge. A short burst of 'Rio' b1t Duran Duran plnlts, thm quickfu cuts out. Jonathan Excellent. Escort my fianc6 downstairs, Perkins. Cuckolded by -y fianc6 - I wish to have a word with Thomas in private. House musilfades in. f)snni5 and Annie stal, trapped b tlufallmfnts. - and almost murdered by *y oldest friend. Let us hope we Yes, sir. f)snni5 never again see a murder at Haversham Manor. Thomas! You're not the man I knew from Eton, Jonathan Tfu chondelizr horgrng aboue tlu space suddenly sparlcs and drops on you've become greedy andjealous! loJonathan- Robert I'm sorry, Charles; my nerves are in shreds. Bkcknutjust before it hits him. Jonathan There's a glass of sherry next to the telephone. Robert Thank you, Charles! Ever the kind host! Jonathan Drink it up. Robert Most kind! l He drinlcs tlu shnry. Jonathan Tell me, Thomas, one last thing. Robert Anything Charles.I shall tell no more lies! Jonathan The glass of poisoned sherry the Inspector left out for me - what do you suppose I did with it? Robert WelI, I don't. . . know. What do you mean? You don't mean you gave me the . . . Charley? Charley?! (Forgets his line.)Iinet