An Interview With

IS YOUR GUILT TRUE OR FALSE? MEDUSA OF WE ALL EXPERIENCE GUILT FROM TIME TO TIME. ADDICTIONS

ADDICTION, RECOVERY AND SOBRIETY ISSUE 11, OCTOBER 2015 I’M A RECOVERING PARENT BUT WILL I EVER BE GOOD ENOUGH?

THREADS WHAT DO OF A DREAM PARENTS OF ADDICTS LOOK LIKE?

Growing up Kennedy An interview with CHRISTOPHER KENNEDY LAWFORD HOW TO LOVE AN ADDICT & NOT LOSE YOURSELF 2 ISSUE 11,OCTOBER 2015 | RECOVERY TODAY MAGAZINE Content 17 15 13 11 08 05 03 BY VALERIE SILVEIRA, WHAT DOPARENTS OFADDICTSLOOK LIKE? BY SHERRYGABA,LCSW HOW TO LOVE ANADDICT &NOT LOSE YOURSELF BY JEFFJAY THREADS OFADREAM BUT WILLIEVERBEGOODENOUGH? I’M ARECOVERING PARENT COVER STORY CHRISTOPHER KENNEDY LAWFORD INTERVIEW BY DARLENE LANCER IS YOUR GUILT TRUE ORFALSE? BY CATE STEVENS MEDUSA OFADDICTIONS y multiple sponsors had multiple suggestions for me in my first 90 days. The problem I faced was that many of their suggestions conflicted and I only became more confused. A Mwise person suggested I try to tackle the addiction most likely to harm me first. I thought about it and realized cocaine sent me to an emergency room with drug induced seizure. Additionally, whenever cocaine was invited to my party, alcohol had a seat nearby. They both needed to go.

I continued to wonder. How would I ever find full recovery buried under so many layers of addiction? The answer was too simple for my complicated brain. “A day at a time.” “Get one day.” A new friend in recovery said, “If you get one day, you can stay clean and sober. All you have to do is repeat what you already did and keep adding tools to your toolbox. You never have to use again.” I began to attend 12 step meetings on a daily basis. For me, the stigma of addiction prevented me from seeking help from a treatment facility. I didn’t want that kind of exposure and I didn’t want to use my employer’s insurance. I relied on recovery meetings as outpatient treatment and attended 4-5 meetings a day! I knew it might be overkill, but my saturated and sick mind needed all the positive support and direction it could muster.

My addiction to approval helped me stay close to the center of the program. A handsome male acquaintance with over twenty years clean offered me suggestions including attending as many meetings as possible, abstaining from drugs and alcohol MEDUSA OF no matter what, finding a close group of women friends in the program, and do service. I wanted to please him so I followed his every direction, and the ADDICTIONS program began to work for me.

When I first realized I needed help for my I began to work steps. After a year clean, I brought plethora of addictions, I attended a variety of 12 meetings into hospitals. I sponsored girls. I noticed step meetings. I went to Narcotics Anonymous, that in addition to no longer drinking or using drugs, Alcoholics Anonymous, Codependents Anonymous, I had a desire to quit smoking. It happened naturally and Food Addicts Anonymous. I was different than as the literature suggests. I began to recoil from unhealthy habits as if a hot flame. I began to defrost you. You only had to deal with one addiction. I from years of numbing out and started to realize my had a Medusa of addictions and I wasn’t quite sure greatest enemy was me. which snake would bite and kill me first. I connected with a wonderful sponsor with over 25 years in the program whose attraction was similar to the perfume of a flower. She captured my attention

RECOVERY TODAY MAGAZINE | ISSUE 11, OCTOBER 2015 3 with her inner glow. I watched her when she greeted I face life on life’s terms. My mother has lung women at the beginning of a meeting. I noticed cancer. My father may have a malignancy. My how she looked into their eyes and assured them husband has Atrial Fibrillation. Whatever it may they were in the right place. Her comprehension be, I have a program, friends and tools I rely of the program was obvious by her behavior. She on to face life’s difficulties. I don’t give myself believed in love and she believed in service, and I permission to throw pity parties for myself wanted the joy I could see on her face. anymore. I don’t like parties no one else wants to attend, and I don’t like empty goody bags. By year five, I was ready to let go of my eating disorder. I was ready to accept myself, good and Life is an incredible gift to be savored and enjoyed. bad, and be available to help other young women I am grateful for every single one of my addictions. with similar addictions. I realized that the best Each one has taught me the importance of self- way to release an addiction is to embrace myself acceptance, service to others, and gratitude for with love. Instead of despising myself, as I had what I have. I look at addictions as my Higher for so many years, for being less than perfect, I Power’s way of telling me I am off course. I am not learned to accept myself at a deep level and more broken and I am not wrong. I am simply heading addictions began to fall away. in the wrong direction, and as soon as I am willing to wave that white flag of surrender, incredible I met my husband in recovery. We spoke the solutions come my way. same language. We shared the common interests ADDICTION ISOLATED ME FROM THE WORLD AND RECOVERY EXPANDED IT BEYOND MEASURE. of helping others, growing spiritually, raising a family and enjoying life. We decided to have a child together and in the first year of marriage, our healthy son was born. I worried that the years of abuse on my body with all of my addictions would prevent me from having a child. I learned Cate Stevens that anything is possible if I clean house and trust my Higher Power. Cate Stevens, founder of Addictionland. My employer kept giving me promotions. My com, has over 15 years of recovery from food, drug, alcohol, cigarette, and family members, who I once tortured with late unhealthy relationship addiction. Cate’s nights, strange behavior, drama and chaos, now recovery is based on the 12 steps, as well the turned to me for advice. I began to write the book practice of spiritual principles, exercise, good I always wanted to write. Addiction isolated me nutrition, and meditation. from the world and recovery expanded it beyond measure. I looked back on the highway of my life Cate’s ongoing recovery process has benefited and liked this new road. With each passing year, tremendously from the free sponsorship of other the load lightened. women who suffer from multiple, life threatening addictions. Cate also has I never imagined I would be free of all my experience successfully coaching women addictions. At fifteen years sober, the occasional outside of recovery to fulfill their personal compulsions I notice are work, control of other and professional aspirations. people, shopping at Bloomingdales and use of Cate majored in journalism and my smart phone. They are compulsions rather communications. As a motivational than life threatening addictions, and my healthy speaker, mentor, and sober coach, Cate is lifestyle enables me to quickly realize I am highly effective in teaching others how to running away from feelings through distraction. live satisfying and highly productive lives.

4 ISSUE 11, OCTOBER 2015 | RECOVERY TODAY MAGAZINE Is Your Guilt True or False?

We all experience guilt from time to time. But many of us have a hard time letting go of it and find it difficult to forgive ourselves, even though we may readily forgive others. First of all, it’s important to recognize whether our guilt is true or false. Just because we feel guilty, that doesn’t mean we are. Feelings aren’t facts. And even if our guilt is “true”–that we’ve morally transgressed, we’re still worthy and capable of forgiveness.

Codependents have underlying internalized shame, which fosters a guilty conscience. They’re especially hard on themselves and may suffer from frequent bouts of unrelenting, false guilt.

RECOVERY TODAY MAGAZINE | ISSUE 11, OCTOBER 2015 5 CODEPENDENCY AND FALSE GUILT monitoring their thoughts and feelings. Many Codependents, in particular, are easy targets codependents idealize love and kindness and of manipulation and projection of blame from attempt to disavow and control their anger other people that they willingly accept. Many and unpleasant feelings. The more they try codependents are or were victims of abuse to suppress them the more self-loathing and in the past, and the role of victim is familiar negative feelings they create. and more comfortable than standing up for themselves. In their mind, doing so might risk Another source of false guilt is the habit the other person’s anger or worse, the end of feeling responsible for others. They feel of a relationship. They rather take the blame guilty for the feelings and thoughts of others and feel guilty. Thus, they’re always saying –things beyond their control. Codependents “I’m sorry” to keep the peace, but don’t really take this to an extreme and even feel guilty for mean it. Moreover, they’ve learned to abuse others’ actions and behaviors. It’s common for themselves with negative inner talk. (To abusers to blame their actions on their victims overcome this, see 10 Steps to Self-Esteem-The and for addicts to blame their addiction on Ultimate Guide to Stop Self-Criticism. their partners, who in both cases accept it as true. Narcissists and borderline personalities Codependents feel guilty for not giving or typically use projection of blame and criticism doing enough–not measuring up to their to shift responsibility and get their needs met. perfectionistic, unrealistic ideals. They feel (See my blog on manipulation and emotional guilty for their negative feelings and thoughts– blackmail.) However, codependents can feel sometimes including lustful thoughts and guilty without being blamed. They deny their feelings. Moral perfectionism, which may needs and wants and put those of others first. have been instilled by religious shaming, can The result is that they take on responsibilities make people unhealthily obsessive about that belong to others and feel guilty saying “no.”

CODEPENDENT THERAPY

6 ISSUE 11, OCTOBER 2015 | RECOVERY TODAY MAGAZINE TRUE GUILT the other hand, denying, rationalizing, or excusing When guilt is false, it’s an unhealthy symptom our guilt doesn’t make it go away. We can push of shame. We blame ourselves and feel our feelings into our unconscious and in their irredeemable. We’re more focused on ourselves place create irritability or resentment and anger and what people think of us than our concern toward the person we believe we’ve harmed. The for them. On the other hand, with true guilt, most productive and effective course is to face our focus is on the other person–how we’ve reality, and then take specific steps to understand, harmed them. We’re motivated to make amends analyze, and forgive ourselves. As we accept and change our behavior in the future. ourselves, we grow in self-compassion.

All religions encourage making amends in order Freedom from Guilt and Blame – Finding to purge guilt and help repair relationships. Self-Forgiveness is an e-workbook designed The Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous to free you from guilt’s grip. It provides a step- and Codependents Anonymous also suggest by-step process to overcome guilt and find making direct amends wherever possible. (For self-compassion by means of three different a detailed explanation with exercises of how methods: cognitive, self-compassion, and to use Twelve Steps, see my ebook, Spiritual spiritual, using practical techniques and Transformation in the Twelve Steps) exercises. You’ll be able to sort out guilt from other emotions and discover whether your SELF-FORGIVENESS guilt is true or false, healthy or unhealthy. Self-forgiveness starts with self-acceptance and You’ll also uncover the impact and connection humility. The opposite, ruminating or beating between your values, perfectionism, and ourselves up, isn’t at all helpful in alleviating codependency and guilt, and learn what to do. guilt. It just makes us feel worse about ourselves, while self-forgiveness builds our self-esteem. On ©Darlene Lancer 2015

Darlene Lancer

Darlene Lancer is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and expert on relationships and codependency. She’s the author of two books: Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You and Codependency for Dummies. Ms. Lancer has counseled individuals and couples for 27 years and coaches internationally. She’s a sought after speaker at national conferences, on radio, and to professional groups and institutions. DarleneLancer.com

RECOVERY TODAY MAGAZINE | ISSUE 11, OCTOBER 2015 7 www.christopherkennedylawford.com CHRISTOPHER KENNEDY LAWFORD interview

hristopher Kennedy Lawford has spent much of his life in Hollywood and Washington, navigating these two worlds as an actor, writer, lawyer, activist and public speaker. It is the depth of his experience growing up Cthe son of iconic Peter Lawford and Patricia Kennedy -- along with the most famous Uncles one could possibly have: Pres. John F. Kennedy, Sen. Robert Kennedy and Sen. Ted Kennedy -- which shaped his formative years and his mission to help others.

In his 2005 New York Times bestselling memoir, “Symptoms of Withdrawal” (William Morrow), Christopher Kennedy Lawford chronicled his deep descent into near- fatal drug and alcohol addiction, and his subsequent hard-won journey back to sobriety, which he has maintained for the past 26 years with the hopes of making a difference.

The overwhelming response received to “Symptoms” impressed upon Lawford the number of people struggling to find their own way back from addiction and the need to share their stories, which led to his next book, “Moments of Clarity: Voices From the Front Lines of Addiction and Recovery” (Harper Collins), a collection of 44 personal stories of awakening which illuminates the spiritual epiphanies that have enabled each to move from addiction into recovery.

8 ISSUE 11, OCTOBER 2015 | RECOVERY TODAY MAGAZINE THE THINGS THAT TELL YOU TO RUN FROM YOUR LIFE SUCH AS PAIN ARE USUALLY THE BEST THINGS YOU HAVE IN LIFE

RECOVERY TODAY MAGAZINE | ISSUE 11, OCTOBER 2015 9 CHRISTOPHER KENNEDY LAWFORD ON CNN

Christopher with father, “Rat Pack“ member, Peter Lawford, mother, Patricia Kennedy Lawford and sister, Sydney Me Guido & Drunks, both films were selections in the Sundance Film Festival. Mr. Lawford’s acting credits include Eavesdrop, Slipstream, The World’s Fastest Indian, Terminator 3, Blankman, The Doors, The Russia House and many others. His credits also include a three-year tenure on the popular soap opera All My Children.

For the past five years he has worked with a number of partners in private industry, the non- profit sector, state and federal governments and patient advocacy groups to effect change and raise awareness about these two pressing In his book that was published January, 2013, public health issues. Presently Mr. Lawford “Recover to Live: Kick Any Habit, Manage is working with the United Nations as their Any Addiction” (Benbella), Chris interviewed Celebrity Ambassador, the Canadian Center more than 100 of the world’s top experts on Substance Abuse, and the World Health Organization in efforts to raise awareness who share their research and wisdom on how globally about addiction and hepatitis. to determine if your bad habit is becoming a dependency, what treatments work best, Some of the questions Recovery Today and how best to help oneself or a loved one Magazine Editor, Sherry Gaba asked in this, recover from addiction. exclusive Interview

Mr. Lawford spent over fifteen years in the 1. Tell me what your story is & what’s film and television business as an actor, recovery been like for you? lawyer, executive, and producer. He began his 2. What are some of the challenges of career in Universal Studios’ Independent Film recovery? Acquisitions where he was responsible for 3. Why should others listen to people in the acquisition of American Graffiti, one of the recovery? highest grossing films of the early 70’s. As an 4. What are the challenges internationally independent producer Mr. Lawford arranged in building a recovery community & financing for and produced films including Kiss economy?

Interview with Christopher Kennedy Lawford

10 ISSUE 11, OCTOBER 2015 | RECOVERY TODAY MAGAZINE I SIT THERE TRYING TO BE STRONG, BUT I KNOW HE IS HURTING, AND I WANT TO PROTECT HIM AND SHIELD HIM FROM ALL THE PAINFUL SITUATIONS THAT INFILTRATE LIFE!

I’M A RECOVERING PARENT BUT WILL I EVER BE GOOD ENOUGH?

itting quietly at home one evening, My gut’s turn somersaults sometimes because I got to thinking deeply about how I relate to all of this so much. We have long my children have survived the many conversations about his feelings, and he comes adverse social situations that having to me with his worries and thoughts reassuring an addicted parent brings. They have him it’s all part of being human. I tell him we all Slived in chaos and violence, witnessed the feel insecure about stuff at different times in our divorce of their parents, suffered financial lives. I sit there trying to be strong, but I know hardship and insecurity - basically far too much he is hurting, and I want to protect him and for their tender years. My children are resilient shield him from all the painful situations that to say the least. and I’m beyond proud of how infiltrate life! they managed to remain balanced through it all. However, I went from contemplating their Do I attribute his feelings about himself to the miraculous achievements to wondering which fact that he is navigating the teenage years of one of my children is going to become the next his life or are they the first signs of an addictive active addict in the family. Can anyone relate? personality? Maybe I’ve failed him as a mother I realized that I watch for signs all the time. As – that all the early trauma has led him to be a mother in recovery, I find myself being hyper insecure and unhappy. I want to fix it. I want to vigilant regarding the behavior of my children. fix him. My son for example; he’s 14 and generally finds life a bit baffling. He is a great kid, full of Then there is my daughter. She is the barefoot compassion and care, funny, polite but doesn’t feral child I was at her age. Unlike me, she can understand things like competition and why make friends at the drop of a hat and loves to people, including his peers, need to beat each be involved in everything that’s going on. She other down. He is ambitious and intelligent and is full of determination and won’t back down knows what he wants in life, but he sometimes from any challenge or fight. However, she is a feels he doesn’t fit in and can be self-conscious. huge people pleaser. and I notice she struggles

RECOVERY TODAY MAGAZINE | ISSUE 11, OCTOBER 2015 11 with seeking approval. Like her want to prevent it for my kids so believe that they deserve a far brother, she hates injustice and badly that sometimes it consumes better mother than I can ever can’t understand why everyone me. I don’t want life to be difficult be. However, I am their mother. just can’t get along. She hasn’t had and heartbreaking like it was and I struggle with parenting in a the best example of how to have still sometimes can be for me. massive way sometimes. Making relationships with men most likely choices for their wellbeing is such because her mother is a complete I know that all I can do is lead by a huge responsibility. Sometimes I disaster at that, and is about as example and be there for them don’t know what the right thing to mature as a 16 year old, when it at all times – and, of course, stay do is until it’s too late, and I have comes to affairs of the heart. clean and sober. In my home, I already done the wrong thing. promote being fully human, with Will that damage her chances all its good and bad bits. Feelings Of course the up side of parenting at ever having a successful and talking about them is not an is that those moments of exquisite relationship when she gets older? alien concept to my children. They joy and pride in your offspring far Okay she is only 9, but isn’t that realized from very early on that outweigh the difficult times. For when girls are most impressionable there is no such thing as generic example, when your son’s friend’s regarding the males around them perfection, and that being true to mother calls you just to tell you and the relationships those males yourself and who you are, is the that your son is an absolute have with the females in their most important tool for happiness. pleasure to have in her house; or lives? What if my example has “Be true to who you are, never when I see my daughter celebrate tarnished her idea of what a male doubt your inner voice, never let at her sports day, not because she female relationship should be? anyone make you doubt yourself, won the race because she came Will it trigger active addiction in I am always here for you and last, but she was the only one that later life? love you no matter what” are the didn’t drop that egg off the spoon. affirmative messages they hear In her mind she was a winner! Sometimes I feel like they should from me on almost a daily basis. be parenting me. I feel totally out And maybe that’s what it’s of my depth on many occasions, Regardless of all the positive all about! Making sure that and the thoughts of them stuff I try to plant in their in their own minds they are going through the hell of active impressionable minds and always winners despite outward addiction just makes me want hearts, I still want to be better. I situations. Encouraging the fact to die. I understand and believe still feel I cannot do enough for that their best is always enough, that addiction is not a choice and them. I have huge regrets about always perfect, which just might even though nothing could have my choices in the past that have deter them from diving head first stopped me being an addict, I affected them massively, and I into self-medicating like I did. (

Nicola O’Hanlon, is a recovery writer who has been in recovery for over 5 years. She has blogged for InTheRooms.com, and has had her work published ( in several online magazines

12 ISSUE 11, OCTOBER 2015 | RECOVERY TODAY MAGAZINE THREADS OF A DREAM BY JEFF JAY When I reached the last days of my treatment, I realized I was going to drink again, no doubt about it. And for the first time in my life, I was horrified by the thought. I’d been in treatment about 35-40 days, and was beginning to regain my sanity, after living on the streets, on the knife edge of suicide and despair.

An unorthodox intervention and something happened. even say some- got me into detox (10 days—I Something big. All of heaven thing like “con- was so sick), and then into opened up for me, and I knew ceptions of God.” Maplegrove, a residential I could stay sober. I won’t try A human mind program. But as I got closer to describe everything that couldn’t com- to discharge, I realized I was happened, but I had a white- prehend infinity, a dead man. Drinking and light experience that spun me much less God— drugging weren’t fun for me around, flushed me out, and any more than anymore. Being homeless set me on the road to recovery. a cocker spaniel and penniless weren’t a could understand romantic adventure. I didn’t I wrote about the aftermath of quantum me- want to drink, but I realized that experience in Navigating chanics. I was going to anyway–that Grace. drinking was as inevitable as Yet I’d had that ineluctable the sun rising in the morning. I used to think Reason was experience, and those king and the spiritual realm rapturous moments taught Like countless others before was hogwash, but I now had their own lessons. Some of me, my desperation to escape a broader perspective. My those precious filaments the grip of the illness drove experience had proven the remained, but more were me to do something I’d never two weren’t separate, and, hard to grasp, always slipping done before. I got down on ironically, the intellect was away like the threads of a my knees and cried out to really just a component of dream. They returned more the God I didn’t believe in, Spirit, along with intuition, clearly when I tried not to creativity, and compassion. The understand. intellect, for all its usefulness and power, was limited. “The way that can be spoken isn’t the eternal way,” wrote Gone were the immature con- Lao-tzu. ceptions of God that were so easily attacked by the ratio- “I am who am,” said the nal mind. It was hilarious to burning bush to Moses.

RECOVERY TODAY MAGAZINE | ISSUE 11, OCTOBER 2015 13 There was no way to define about the depth of my spiritual these things—and no need to. I experience, because I didn’t could feel “God with us” in the want to be branded a fanatic. meetings, flowing through the In fact, I didn’t tell anyone stories, the laughter, and the about my experience for quite I’ve been clean and sober now pain. It was a miracle constantly a long time. since October 4, 1981, and I still being renewed, a gift. Einstein go to a couple meetings every said, “When the solution is But I never drank or drugged week. But a lot of difficult things simple, God is answering.” I again. I became a regular at happened during those early knew where I needed to go. meetings, drank too much years, and it was the people in coffee, and laughed a lot. the meetings who kept me on The clinical staff at Maplegrove I discovered, much to my solid ground. My father died thought my newfound love surprise, that I was already and excruciating death (he was of recovery was phony. I’d a pro at “One day at a time.” only 58) when I was a little been coasting along through During my drinking days, more than a year sober. But the treatment, a typical hotheaded I’d never worried about people in the meetings held me twenty-something. Now I was next week’s booze, and so I up. My little brother committed carrying on about the Steps stopped worrying about next suicide some years after that, like an old-timer and hijacking week’s sobriety. I charged into but again, the people in the all the discussions with my recovery with a devil-may-care meetings did for me what I own enthusiastic expositions. attitude and boundless faith. I couldn’t do for myself. I still wasn’t telling anybody was on fire. It’s often said that God works through people, and that’s true. But it’s also important for me to remember that I have to get myself to where the people are— so God has a way to work in my life. You see, he works through God all of you. Thank you, all of you, for being good instruments of with us God’s love in the world.

Jeff Jay is a clinical interventionist, educator and author. His work has appeared on CNN, the Jane Pauley Show, PBS, Forbes Online and professional journals. He is a graduate of the University of Minnesota, and a certified addictions professional. He has served as president of the Terry McGovern Foundation in Washington, DC, and on the boards of directors for the Michigan Association of Alcohol and Drug Abuse Counselors, Dawn Farm, and the Employee Assistance Professionals Association of Greater Detroit. He currently serves on the advisory board of Jefferson House, in Detroit, MI. His newest book is: Navigating Grace, A Solo Voyage of Survival and Redemption (Hazelden, September 2015). Learn more about his work at http://lovefirst.net/

14 ISSUE 11, OCTOBER 2015 | RECOVERY TODAY MAGAZINE HOW TO LOVE AN ADDICT & NOT LOSE YOURSELF Is your significant other in recovery? Do you know how to not lose yourself in their journey? Do you have a sense of purpose that is outside of your relationship with them?

Being in a relationship and in love with someone in recovery, when you are not in recovery, is an experience that people try to keep hush hush. There is a stigma surrounding loving an addict/ alcoholic and like the stigma of addiction itself, it’s time to shed some light and get out of the dark, The journey of recovery is not done alone. No one knows this better than someone who loves an addict or alcoholic who is taking steps to work a program of recovery. The struggle is real and you are not alone.

Yesterday I had a friend ask me a question I know personally and professionally oh so well: “Sherry, I love my husband but I feel like I’m in recovery too! I feel like I need to protect him and shelter him and do everything I can to ensure he stays sober. He’s not asking me to do any of these things, how can I step out of his recovery and into my own life? I’m starting to re- sent him and his disease so much. How can we have a healthy relationship without the center of everything being his sobriety?”

After supporting her courageous spirit for speaking up, I suggested that she take one important first step and ask herself ‘What is my purpose with intention”? I explained that if she isn’t clear on her purpose, her desires, her vision and who she is, she will inadvertently sabotage her relationship by

RECOVERY TODAY MAGAZINE | ISSUE 11, OCTOBER 2015 15 losing herself in her husband’s why you are here and what gives recovery. A healthy relationship your life meaning. Your purpose is the combination of two people will keep you on track and empow- that love, care and support each er you to choose the areas of your other. When one of the partners is life where you will invest your en- ‘sick’, the other one may become ergy. You have the power to con- so entwined in the struggle of the trol where you invest positive and ‘sick’ partner that they lose them- negative energy. Your purpose is selves. Eventually both individuals not to ensure that your partner become ‘sick’ and the relationship stays sober, that may be their pur- will wither. To avoid this outcome, pose, but it is not yours. You can being clear on one’s purpose with support your partner but when is intention is key. the last time you invested energy in you? Don’t you think it’s time? Let’s dive into what purpose with intention is and why it is so im- RECLAIM YOUR LIFE portant, especially when you are Your purpose answers the question “why”, the ‘how’ will unfold in love with someone in recovery. Some of the best suggestions I easily and effortlessly when you make to clients is find a respected follow your divine path. Intention WHAT’S YOUR WHY? Psychotherapist that understands Do you have a sense of purpose is the passion that moves you towards action. When you profound- that addiction is a family disease, that is outside of your relation- find a 12 step program such as Al- ship? ly desire something and make it your objective to obtain the object Anon, get a sponsor, read books and material related to codepen- Do you know your “why”? What of your desire, you have intention. dency, and you might even consid- dreams did you have as a child? So finding your purpose with- in er hiring a life coach or take an Have you dreams manifested in tention means figuring out what Ecourse such as www.wakeupre- unexpected ways? Such as want- motivates you and makes living covery.com to discover what your ing to be in love and then you find meaningful, then taking action to purpose is. yourself in love with a person in make that happen. Purpose with recovery? Have you become so intention, without action, results A BRIGHT FUTURE focused on the addict, that you in dreams that never come true. Wouldn’t it be amazing if you lived don’t even know what your au- Purpose with intention towards an your purpose instead of taking re- thentic purpose is? outcome that is fully dependent on another individual, like your sponsibility for the path of your partner? That, my friend, is free- Discovering your purpose may be partner, results in an outcome that dom. The joy from your personal the most important breakthrough you simply cannot control. Once journey will fuel your relationship you will ever experience. This is you remove the obsession of sav- with positive energy and joy. Both the step where you will decide ing your partner from his disease and wake up to your own divinity, of these elements will increase your purpose will have an oppor- the likelihood that you have a tunity to reveal itself. happy and healthy relationship.

Sherry Gaba, LCSW, Certified Recovery Coach and Transformation Coach, Editor of Recovery Today Magazine, co host of The Brighter Side of Recovery radio show, producer of www.recoverytodaysummit.com, creator of the ground breaking book, “The Law of Sobriety: Attracting Positive Energy for a Powerful Recovery”, and Ecourse www.wakeuprecovery.com. www.sherrygaba.com.

16 ISSUE 11, OCTOBER 2015 | RECOVERY TODAY MAGAZINE WHAT DO PARENTS OF ADDICTS LOOK LIKE? BY VALERIE SILVEIRA, AUTHOR

It happened again; the same broke loose in my life. More than comment I had heard before. The once, I had been on my soapbox look that did not need words to proclaiming that if a child went convey the message: astray, it was the parents’ fault. I judged and condemned parents “I can’t believe you would have a of addicts, assuming it was bad daughter who’s a drug addict.” parenting. I summarily discounted both free will, and addiction, When I told a friend about this, she standing sanctimoniously in asked sarcastically what a parent judgment of grieving parents, who of an addict is supposed to look had lost their children over and WHEN PEOPLE like. It made me wonder if people over. Then my brilliant, athletic, WANT TO KNOW half-expect me to have a needle artistic, quick-witted daughter WHAT PARENTS OF sticking out of my arm. became addicted to drugs, and I ADDICTS LOOK LIKE, fell off my soapbox. I fell hard. OUR REPLY SHOULD Truthfully, these comments or BE, “WE LOOK looks of surprise do not offend Friends and relatives will remind me. It is likely the reaction I you that you are good parent. LIKE YOU.” would have had before all hell Society will tell parents of addicts

RECOVERY TODAY MAGAZINE | ISSUE 11, OCTOBER 2015 17 that they empathize; that they Many addicts or others understand how hard it must who make very bad choices be. In the next moment, they come from good homes. will ask themselves, “How did Unfortunately, people continue they let their kid end up that to jump to conclusions without way? understanding the complicated disease of addiction, or other ”When someone goes off the factors involved. Addiction can rails, we are all guilty of jumping and does happen to any family. to conclusions about the family. Everyone is curious about the What do parents of addicts look parents of a school shooter, a like? We look like doctors, lawyers, serial killer, or an addict. After factory workers, accountants, an unimaginable event, it is actors, and receptionists. We look natural to look for answers in an like single moms and dads, Boy attempt to reconcile what has Scout leaders, loving parents, happened, and the entire family struggling parents, softball ends up under a microscope. coaches, and Sunday school teachers. We come from all Parents of addicts live with a socio-economic groups, ethnic tremendous amount of shame. backgrounds, and all cultures. Countless live in constant guilt, We are blondes, brunettes, and most of it unfounded. Society redheads. We have black hair or adds stigma like a cherry on top no hair. Most of us have some of our shame and guilt pie. The gray hair. stigma that surrounds parents of addicts is suffocating. It is When people want to know what keeps us in the shadows, what parents of addicts look rarely reaching out unless it is like, our reply should be, “We anonymous. look like you.”

STILL STANDING AFTER ALL THE TEARS: PUTTING BACK THE PIECES AFTER ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE

Valerie Silveira I have spent more than 30 years teaching, training, speaking, mentoring, consulting, calculating, strategic planning & implementing – all of those fancy business terms. None of those business challenges came even close to that of losing my precious daughter to the drug addiction Beast. I now use my professional experience, my 13 year ride on the Roller Coaster From Hell, and importantly, the Actions I discovered to help as many others as I can to Stand Up and Battle their Beast. I choose to call my daughter “Jordan” out of respect for her story. https://www.valerie-silveira.com/

18 ISSUE 11, OCTOBER 2015 | RECOVERY TODAY MAGAZINE Greg Hannley Publisher

Nationally recognized addiction expert, Greg Hannley is the Publisher of “Recovery Today Magazine”. He is also the Chief Executive Officer of SOBA Recovery Center, and Executive Producer of the acclaimed film with Dan- iel Baldwin, “The Wisdom to Know the Difference”. Greg has appeared on CNN’s Larry King Live, Fox News, Fox and Friends, San Antonio Living, and other national media outlets. His vision is to provide a safe, sober environ- ment for those suffering from the disease of addiction and to evangelize a simple, powerful message; there is hope. Rob Hannley, Producer Sherry Gaba, LCSW Editor

Recovery Today “Neuron Builder”. Good, Sober Fun.

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