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IS YOUR GUILT TRUE OR FALSE? MEDUSA OF WE ALL EXPERIENCE GUILT FROM TIME TO TIME. ADDICTIONS ADDICTION, RECOVERY AND SOBRIETY ISSUE 11, OCTOBER 2015 I’M A RECOVERING PARENT BUT WILL I EVER BE GOOD ENOUGH? THREADS WHAT DO OF A DREAM PARENTS OF ADDICTS LOOK LIKE? Growing up Kennedy An interview with CHRISTOPHER KENNEDY LAWFORD HOW TO LOVE AN ADDICT & NOT LOSE YOURSELF MEDUSA OF ADDICTIONS 03 BY CATE STEVENS IS YOUR GUILT TRUE OR FALSE? 05 BY DARLENE LANCER CHRISTOPHER KENNEDY LAWFORD INTERVIEW 08 COVER STORY I’M A RECOVERING PARENT 11 BUT WILL I EVER BE GOOD ENOUGH? THREADS OF A DREAM 13 BY JEFF JAY HOW TO LOVE AN ADDICT & NOT LOSE YOURSELF 15 BY SHERRY GABA, LCSW WHAT DO PARENTS OF ADDICTS LOOK LIKE? 17 BY VALERIE SILVEIRA, Content 2 ISSUE 11, OCTOBER 2015 | RECOVERY TODAY MAGAZINE y multiple sponsors had multiple suggestions for me in my first 90 days. The problem I faced was that many of their suggestions conflicted and I only became more confused. A Mwise person suggested I try to tackle the addiction most likely to harm me first. I thought about it and realized cocaine sent me to an emergency room with drug induced seizure. Additionally, whenever cocaine was invited to my party, alcohol had a seat nearby. They both needed to go. I continued to wonder. How would I ever find full recovery buried under so many layers of addiction? The answer was too simple for my complicated brain. “A day at a time.” “Get one day.” A new friend in recovery said, “If you get one day, you can stay clean and sober. All you have to do is repeat what you already did and keep adding tools to your toolbox. You never have to use again.” I began to attend 12 step meetings on a daily basis. For me, the stigma of addiction prevented me from seeking help from a treatment facility. I didn’t want that kind of exposure and I didn’t want to use my employer’s insurance. I relied on recovery meetings as outpatient treatment and attended 4-5 meetings a day! I knew it might be overkill, but my saturated and sick mind needed all the positive support and direction it could muster. My addiction to approval helped me stay close to the center of the program. A handsome male acquaintance with over twenty years clean offered me suggestions including attending as many meetings as possible, abstaining from drugs and alcohol MEDUSA OF no matter what, finding a close group of women friends in the program, and do service. I wanted to please him so I followed his every direction, and the ADDICTIONS program began to work for me. When I first realized I needed help for my I began to work steps. After a year clean, I brought plethora of addictions, I attended a variety of 12 meetings into hospitals. I sponsored girls. I noticed step meetings. I went to Narcotics Anonymous, that in addition to no longer drinking or using drugs, Alcoholics Anonymous, Codependents Anonymous, I had a desire to quit smoking. It happened naturally and Food Addicts Anonymous. I was different than as the literature suggests. I began to recoil from unhealthy habits as if a hot flame. I began to defrost you. You only had to deal with one addiction. I from years of numbing out and started to realize my had a Medusa of addictions and I wasn’t quite sure greatest enemy was me. which snake would bite and kill me first. I connected with a wonderful sponsor with over 25 years in the program whose attraction was similar to the perfume of a flower. She captured my attention RECOVERY TODAY MAGAZINE | ISSUE 11, OCTOBER 2015 3 with her inner glow. I watched her when she greeted I face life on life’s terms. My mother has lung women at the beginning of a meeting. I noticed cancer. My father may have a malignancy. My how she looked into their eyes and assured them husband has Atrial Fibrillation. Whatever it may they were in the right place. Her comprehension be, I have a program, friends and tools I rely of the program was obvious by her behavior. She on to face life’s difficulties. I don’t give myself believed in love and she believed in service, and I permission to throw pity parties for myself wanted the joy I could see on her face. anymore. I don’t like parties no one else wants to attend, and I don’t like empty goody bags. By year five, I was ready to let go of my eating disorder. I was ready to accept myself, good and Life is an incredible gift to be savored and enjoyed. bad, and be available to help other young women I am grateful for every single one of my addictions. with similar addictions. I realized that the best Each one has taught me the importance of self- way to release an addiction is to embrace myself acceptance, service to others, and gratitude for with love. Instead of despising myself, as I had what I have. I look at addictions as my Higher for so many years, for being less than perfect, I Power’s way of telling me I am off course. I am not learned to accept myself at a deep level and more broken and I am not wrong. I am simply heading addictions began to fall away. in the wrong direction, and as soon as I am willing to wave that white flag of surrender, incredible I met my husband in recovery. We spoke the solutions come my way. same language. We shared the common interests ADDICTION ISOLATED ME FROM THE WORLD AND RECOVERY EXPANDED IT BEYOND MEASURE. of helping others, growing spiritually, raising a family and enjoying life. We decided to have a child together and in the first year of marriage, our healthy son was born. I worried that the years of abuse on my body with all of my addictions would prevent me from having a child. I learned Cate Stevens that anything is possible if I clean house and trust my Higher Power. Cate Stevens, founder of Addictionland. My employer kept giving me promotions. My com, has over 15 years of recovery from food, drug, alcohol, cigarette, and family members, who I once tortured with late unhealthy relationship addiction. Cate’s nights, strange behavior, drama and chaos, now recovery is based on the 12 steps, as well the turned to me for advice. I began to write the book practice of spiritual principles, exercise, good I always wanted to write. Addiction isolated me nutrition, and meditation. from the world and recovery expanded it beyond measure. I looked back on the highway of my life Cate’s ongoing recovery process has benefited and liked this new road. With each passing year, tremendously from the free sponsorship of other the load lightened. women who suffer from multiple, life threatening addictions. Cate also has I never imagined I would be free of all my experience successfully coaching women addictions. At fifteen years sober, the occasional outside of recovery to fulfill their personal compulsions I notice are work, control of other and professional aspirations. people, shopping at Bloomingdales and use of Cate majored in journalism and my smart phone. They are compulsions rather communications. As a motivational than life threatening addictions, and my healthy speaker, mentor, and sober coach, Cate is lifestyle enables me to quickly realize I am highly effective in teaching others how to running away from feelings through distraction. live satisfying and highly productive lives. 4 ISSUE 11, OCTOBER 2015 | RECOVERY TODAY MAGAZINE Is Your Guilt True or False? We all experience guilt from time to time. But many of us have a hard time letting go of it and find it difficult to forgive ourselves, even though we may readily forgive others. First of all, it’s important to recognize whether our guilt is true or false. Just because we feel guilty, that doesn’t mean we are. Feelings aren’t facts. And even if our guilt is “true”–that we’ve morally transgressed, we’re still worthy and capable of forgiveness. Codependents have underlying internalized shame, which fosters a guilty conscience. They’re especially hard on themselves and may suffer from frequent bouts of unrelenting, false guilt. RECOVERY TODAY MAGAZINE | ISSUE 11, OCTOBER 2015 5 CODEPENDENCY AND FALSE GUILT monitoring their thoughts and feelings. Many Codependents, in particular, are easy targets codependents idealize love and kindness and of manipulation and projection of blame from attempt to disavow and control their anger other people that they willingly accept. Many and unpleasant feelings. The more they try codependents are or were victims of abuse to suppress them the more self-loathing and in the past, and the role of victim is familiar negative feelings they create. and more comfortable than standing up for themselves. In their mind, doing so might risk Another source of false guilt is the habit the other person’s anger or worse, the end of feeling responsible for others. They feel of a relationship. They rather take the blame guilty for the feelings and thoughts of others and feel guilty. Thus, they’re always saying –things beyond their control. Codependents “I’m sorry” to keep the peace, but don’t really take this to an extreme and even feel guilty for mean it. Moreover, they’ve learned to abuse others’ actions and behaviors. It’s common for themselves with negative inner talk.