The power of forgiveness with. “People who attack others are sometimes themselves in a state of fear, T e REACH method teaches how to overcome lingering worry, and hurt,” says Dr. VanderWeele. bad feelings toward someone who did you wrong. “T ey of en don’t think when they hurt others, and they just lash out.” Altruistic gift. This step is about lmost everyone has experienced addressing your own shortcomings. Abeing wronged by someone. It Recall a time when you treated someone could be a former co-worker, friend, harshly and were forgiven. How did or family member. But hanging on to it make you feel? Recognizing this those negative feelings can do great helps you realize that forgiveness is an harm to your health. altruistic gif that you can give to others. “Forgiving a person who has wronged Commit. Commit yourself to

© gustavofrazao | Getty Images you is never easy, but dwelling on those forgive. For instance, write about your events and reliving them over and Practicing forgiveness can help free you from forgiveness in a journal or a letter over can f ll your mind with negative the past to enjoy a positive outlook on life. that you don’t send or tell a friend. thoughts and suppressed anger,” says “T is helps with the decisional side of Dr. Tyler VanderWeele, co-director of self-esteem; and greater life satisfaction. forgiveness,” says Dr. VanderWeele. the Initiative on Health, Religion, and Yet, forgiving people is not always easy. Hold. Finally, hold on to your Spirituality at the Harvard T.H. Chan “It’s not that men can’t forgive, but forgiveness. T is step is tough because School of Public Health. “Yet, when for some it’s more of a struggle,” says memories of the event will often you learn to forgive, you are no longer Dr. VanderWeele. It’s not clear why, recur. “Forgiveness is not erasure,” trapped by the past actions of others but perhaps these men have learned says Dr. VanderWeele. “Rather, it’s and can f nally feel free.” to suppress certain emotions. “It also about changing your reaction to those can be dif cult for men to admit to memories.” Learning to let go themselves that there was this great When the bad feelings arise, remind There are two sides to forgiveness: of ense that still bothers them,” says yourself that you have forgiven and ulti- decisional and emotional. Decisional Dr. VanderWeele. mately you want good for the of ender. forgiveness involves a conscious choice If needed, revisit your commitment by to replace ill will with good will. “You Reaching for a solution reading your journal entries or letters, no longer wish bad things to happen to One of the best ways is to practice or recalling the shared conversation that individual,” says Dr. VanderWeele. forgiveness is with the REACH method. with a friend. “This is often quicker and easier to REACH stands for Recall, Emphasize, accomplish.” Altruistic gif , Commit, and Hold. Here Practice small acts For emotional forgiveness, you move is a look at each step. of forgiveness away from those negative feelings and Recall. T e f rst step is to recall the no longer dwell on the wrongdoing. wrongdoing in an objective way. T e One way to get more comfortable “Emotional forgiveness is much harder goal is not to think of the person in a with forgiveness is to practice small and takes longer, as it’s common for negative light nor to wallow in self-pity, acts in everyday life, says Dr. Tyler those feelings to return on a regular but to come to a clear understanding of VanderWeele, co-director of the basis,” says Dr. VanderWeele. “This the wrong that was done. Visualize the Initiative on Health, Religion, and of en happens when you think about person and situation and all the feelings Spirituality at the Harvard T.H. Chan the of ender, or something triggers the that come with it. Don’t push aside School of Public Health. For example, memory, or you still suf er from the anything, especially if it makes you feel if someone is rude or cuts you off in adverse consequences of the action.” angry or upset. traff c, use that moment to recognize Practicing forgiveness can have Empathize. Next, try to understand the wrong, realize it wasn’t directed at powerful health benef ts. Observational the other person’s point of view you personally, and forgive him or her studies, and even some randomized regarding why he or she hurt you, but on the spot. “This way you also can trials, suggest that forgiveness without minimizing or downplaying the learn to immediately stop the negative is associated with lower levels of wrong that was done. Sometimes the reaction and the feelings that come depression, anxiety, and hostility; wrongdoing was not personal, but due to with it,” says Dr. VanderWeele. reduced substance abuse; higher something the other person was dealing www.health.harvard.edu May 2019 | Harvard Men’s Health Watch | 3