MEET THE SPARTANS We hear rousing orchestral fanfare and a woman chanting over the REGENCY and MEET THE SPARTANS title. THUNDER crashes. EXT. PIT OF SKULLS - NIGHT A cliff that oversees a pit of skulls. MALE NARRATOR In the land of Sparta... when babies were born... the elders would inspect them for defects. If any imperfections were found... the baby was rejected. Spartan Man uncovers the baby. The baby is SHREK. SHREK (Scottish accent): Ah. Are you my mama? 'Cause I'm ready to suckle a teat. Shrek projectile vomits on the Spartan Man and cackles. The Spartan Man wipes the vomit off of his face and punts Shrek off of the cliff. The Spartan Man reveals a baby with Asian features. MALE NARRATOR And if the baby... was Vietnamese... Brangelina had first dibs. The Spartan Man gives the Vietnamese Baby to Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, both wearing contemporary clothing. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie fawn over the baby while Spartan Man shakes his head. Spartan Man uncovers BABY LEONIDAS. The baby has a large thick beard as if he were a Spartan adult. MALE NARRATOR Behold Leonidas... BABY LEONIDAS (Adult voice) AH-OOH! MALE NARRATOR The perfect Spartan. The camera pans down to reveal that Baby Leonidas already has well defined abs. Spartan Man nods his head, chuckles and stamps the baby's buttocks with a stamper. The stamp reveals "INSPECTED BY #12" CUT TO: INT. SPARTAN TRAINING GROUNDS - DAY A sand-covered training area for fighting. A fist flies toward screen and hits YOUNG LEONIDAS (10). Young Leonidas also has a large full beard as if he were an adult. MALE NARRATOR From an early age... Leonidas was taught to fight. Leonidas is sparring with an ELDERLY WOMAN(80s). ELDERLY WOMAN Come on, you little shit! Come on! You can't beat me. You're never gonna be a Spartan, never. YOUNG LEONIDAS Take this, Granny! Young Leonidas punches the Elderly Woman and her dentures fly out towards the camera in a slow motion 3-D effect. FADE TO: INT. SPARTAN TRAINING GROUNDS - DAY TEENAGE LEONIDAS (16, portrayed by Sean Maguire, who is adult) sits bound in a chair. He has braces and acne. MALE NARRATOR He was tortured, taught to show no pain. Swinging a thick knotted rope is LE CHIFFRE from the film Casino Royale. Blood violently squirts from his left eye and down his face. LE CHIFFRE Tell me, Mr. Bond... what is the account number? TEENAGE LEONIDAS Who the hell is Mr. Bond? I'm Leonidas. LE CHIFFRE You're testing my patience, Double-Oh. TEENAGE LEONIDAS But I am not Double- Le Chiffre hits Teenage Leonidas in the testicles with the rope. TEENAGE LEONIDAS (Screams) OH! Le Chiffre laughs and strikes him again. Close-up on Teenage Leonidas's swollen testicles. TEENAGE LEONIDAS Oh! Little Miss Sunshine! Le Chiffre holds a can of Pedigree dog food next to Teenage Leonidas' face, logo towards camera. TEENAGE LEONIDAS (TREMBLING): Oh, oh- - Le Chiffre holds a large spoonful of dog food up to his face. LE CHIFFRE Here's a nice one. Le Chiffre spreads the dog food on Teenage Leonidas's testicles. TEENAGE LEONIDAS Oh- - (whimpering) No, no, no. LE CHIFFRE That's right. Le Chiffre holds a dog next to Teenage Leonidas. LE CHIFFRE Mr. Bond, I'd like you to meet Captain Adorable. - (dog growls) - Good boy. Good boy. Who's a good boy? The dog licks Teenage Leonidas's testicles. Leonidas struggles in his chair but smiles also. The dog bites Teenage Leonidas's testicles with a LOUD CRUNCH. Teenage Leonidas yells.
FADE TO: EXT. FOREST - NIGHT It is snowing heavily. Teenage Leonidas is cowering and rubbing himself for warmth. MALE NARRATOR Leonidas was sent into the wild... to learn how to survive. (shivering) He braved the elements... endured starvation. Teenage Leonidas sees and picks up a SUBWAY Fresh Fit Footlong sub. He takes a bite, chews it, and spits it out, disgusted. TEENAGE LEONIDAS No mayo? This is bullshit! CUT TO: POV shot from the perspective of THE BEAST. MALE NARRATOR The beast stalks Leonidas... red eyes glowing like the fires of hell. We see The Beast's glowing red eyes. A suspenseful theme builds. As the music builds, we see The Beast resembles a penguin. The music changes to dance music and the Penguin starts tap dancing. TEENAGE LEONIDAS (Laughs) Man, you've got happy feet! A record needle SCRATCHES and the music stops. The Penguin talks in a pronounced African-American urban dialect. THE BEAST What you laughin' at, asswipe? I'm about to shove my happy foot up your ass... - cracker. TEENAGE LEONIDAS Nice penguin. THE BEAST Where you going, pussy? The penguin leaps at Teenage Leonidas feet first and lands on him, his rear end on Teenage Leonidas's face. The penguin slaps his face.
THE BEAST I'm 'bout to make you my bitch, Leonidas. Lick my snowballs. CLOSE-UP of The Penguins' now human like testicles on Teenage Leonidas' lips and tongue. The Penguin turns around and bends over, sticking his butt on Teenage Leonidas's mouth. THE BEAST Now eat my penguin asshole. The Penguin farts repeatedly. THE BEAST That Taco Bell ain't sittin' right. TEENAGE LEONIDAS Oh, it smells! Close-Up of the Penguin defacating a stream of white feces into Teenage Leonidas's face and mouth. THE BEAST Ha! Caught you with your mouth open. Teenage Leonidas throws The Penguin off. He backs into a corner, and The Penguin follows him. THE BEAST You dead, Leonidas. Say "Wassup?" to Anna Nicole for me. The Penguin jumps toward Teenage Leonidas, but Teenage Leonidas leaps backwards and The Penguin becomes stuck between two jagged rocks. THE BEAST Shit! I'm stuck! Oh, we got a penguin pinned down! Help! Help! The Penguin grunts. Teenage Leonidas sees a harpoon inside of a glass cabinet that reads IN CASE OF PENGUIN ATTACK BREAK GLASS. He breaks the glass and grabs the harpoon. THE BEAST Oh! My ass! My ass hurt! Oh! Why you wanna do me like that? Come on, man, I could hook you up. We could work it out. I'll suck your dick! Teenage Leonidas spears The Penguin with the harpoon.
FADE TO: INT. SPARTAN TRAINING GROUNDS - DAY Teenage Leonidas enters, shown wearing the scalped head and flippers of the penguin as a cowl. MALE NARRATOR And the boy that was cast into the wild... returned a king!. Spartan soldiers kneel before him. He looks around, and throws his cowl to some Female Fans, who fight over the item. Loud Techno music plays. Margo (Carmen Electra) emerges suggestively licking a lollipop. Teenage Leonidas is entranced. She nearly reveals her buttocks and shows off her cleavage. TEENAGE LEONIDAS Whoa...boobs... She playfully beckons for him to come over, which he does. She hands him a Sharpie marker. MARGO Sign my rack?...And they're real, too. TEENAGE LENOIDAS Yes! (laughs) He signs her cleavage "MARRY ME?" TEENAGE LEONIDAS Marry me? Margo laughs and writes "12-45-19" on Teenage Leonidas's chest. TEENAGE LEONIDAS What's that? MARGO The combination to my chastity belt. Camera pans down. Margon lifts up her skirt and reveals a steel-plated chastity belt with combination lock. TEENAGE LENOIDAS (excited shuddering) Oh- Margon knocks on the belt with a STEEL BANGING SOUND. A crowd of nearby people cheer and whoop. Colorful confetti falls from the sky. MALE NARRATOR Leonidas was stoked. He wed Margo, and she bore him a fine son. And life in the land of Sparta was good. Pan to the sky, then to Leonidas (20s). He is an adult. He is sparring with his SON. LEONIDAS Yes! Yes! Good! SON Thanks, Dad. Son jabs Leonidas and runs around him to attempt to put him in a headlock. Leonidas grabs his Son by the head and whips him around to the ground. Margon looks on. LEONIDAS Give me your hand. Remember, Son: A warrior must learn to take a hit. Leonidas violently headbutts his Son. LEONIDAS (Points to His Heart) Fight with your head: (Points to his brain) think with your heart. SON Huh? MARGO Give him the pile driver, honey. SON Pile driver? Leonidas picks up his Son, and gives him a piledriver. Son screams, a loud CRUNCH, and then stops.
MARGO That's my boy. Leonidas gives his son a flying elbow drop in slow motion. Son screams. CAPTAIN (40s, Kevin Sorbo) appears. CAPTAIN My queen. MARGO Captain. Offscreen you hear Son yelling "NO!" as he is being beaten. CAPTAIN I see Leonidas is molding our future king of Sparta... to be a man. Leonidas chases his Son with a chainsaw. CAPTAIN I remember when my father used to beat me. Leonidas hits his son with a steel chair. MARGO Traditional rites of passage. Leonidas smashes a vase over his Son's head. CAPTAIN No. My father was an alcoholic. Leonidas shoots his son with a paintball gun. As his Son struggles, we see Margo and Captain are also firing at him. CAPTAIN Xerxes' messenger awaits, my king. Leonidas exhales, then shoots a last shot, which hits his Son directly on the forehead. EXT. SPARTAN VILLAGE - DAY MESSENGER (40s) stands with some other Persian soldiers. MESSENGER Greetings, Leonidas. LEONIDAS Greetings, messenger. They shake hands, but then Leonidas gives Messenger a loud kiss on the lips. Messenger spits, replused. MESSENGER What the hell was that? LEONIDAS What? MESSENGER You just kissed me!
LEONIDAS That is how men of Sparta greet one another. High fives for the women... (Leonidas high fives Margo) and open-mouth tongue kisses for the men. (Leonidas and Captain nod at each other.)
Messenger and the Persian guards look at each other. Messenger looks around sees several scantily-clad Spartan Men touching and rubbing each other and wearing revealing clothing. MESSENGER Ooh. I get it. LEONIDAS Get what? MESSENGER Uh... y-you have a... "free society" here. LEONIDAS Yes. The freest. MESSENGER Uh, not that there's anything wrong with that. Captain whispers to Leonidas. Margo whispers to Messenger. MARGO I dig big black dudes. MESSENGER Yeah. Come, messenger, let us walk. Leonidas offers Messenger his hand. He takes it, and Leonidas makes them swing their arms up and down as they walk. MESSENGER The great Xerxes has taken over the world... with his vast Persian army... and has set his sights on his final conquest- Sparta. Leonidas lets go of Messenger's hand. LEONIDAS Let us talk by the giant pit of death. MESSENGER Okay.
EXT. GIANT PIT OF DEATH - DAY A sign points toward the Giant Pit of Death saying "PIT OF DEATH" MESSENGER Xerxes is a kind god-king... and offers these... peaceful alternatives to war. No blood will be shed... as long as you Spartan men build his pyramids... your women become his sex slaves... and your children... work at sweatshops... making Nikes. Messenger holds up a red Nike shoe. COUNCILMAN TRAITORO appears (30s, Diedrich Bader) He holds up a book titled "TREASON FOR DUMMIES". TRAITORO That sounds reasonable. CAPTAIN I'm sure you would think so, Councilman Traitoro. Leonidas turns and looks at the various Spartan Villagers. woman sings slow, exotic, ethereal theme as the wind whistling softly. LEONIDAS Tell Xerxes...to take his proposal... and shove it! Camera reveals Messenger and Margo vigorously tongue- kissing. Leonidas turns and points his sword towards Messenger. LEONIDAS What the hell?! MARGO What? He came on to me! MESSENGER I did not. Dawg, your wife's a ho.
LEONIDAS This means war! Hey, hey, hey, it's cool, it's cool. Uh, we got San Francisco... and West Hollywood. We don't need Sparta. (chuckles) I'll just tell Xerxes it's a "no go." Messenger and Traitoro make pointing and fist bumping gestures towards each other. MARGO Kick his ass in. MESSENGER This is madness! LEONIDAS Madness? This is Sparta! A large amount of saliva flies from Leonidas's mouth to Messenger's face. Leonidas kicks Messenger into The Giant Pit of Death TRAITORO Why did you do that? He was backing down. Leonidas kicks a Persian soldier into the pit. TRAITORO My lord, he will tell Xerxes that Sparta is not for them, so, whatever you do... Leonidas hits the remaining Persian soldier with a leaping dropkcik into the Pit. TRAITORO don't kick him into the pit of death. Stop kicking people into the pit of death. Really! They are about to leave. Suddenly POP MUSIC plays. They turn and see BRITNEY SPEARS, sitting on a barber chair and holding an infant. She is wearing very trashy clothing and shaving her head. WOMAN: BRITNEY SPEARS (singing) Oh, no, Oh, yeah, Uh-huh, yeah. (talking) I don't know why y'all... have to always get on my back for everything. I'm a responsible adult. Look at me- I'm booby-feeding my baby. Sometimes I like to give him fried milk. I call 'em milk poppers. It's just like breast milk, but it's fried. And you just pop 'em in your mouth. He loves 'em. Don't you, baby! (singing) # Goo-goo, gah-gah # # Gah-gah, gah-gah-gah-gah. # (raspy panting) I'm a smart shopper. I got this entire outfit in an alleyway from a Mexico woman. (singing) # Bargain # # Shopping # #Yeah. # Why do y'all think I'm messed up? Shit! Do I look crazy to you? Close-up of Britney Spears's bare vagina. It is pixelated. Leonidas kicks her into the pit. (ECHOING): OH... MY GOD! KEVIN FEDERLINE appears. KEVIN FEDERLINE Aw, damn, cuz! There goes my palimony! K-Fed ain't havin' it, yo. BRITNEY SPEARS (falling) K-Fed, come back to me, please! Please? I'll let you under my skirt. KEVIN FEDERLINE There goes K-Fed's cheddar, yo. Leonidas kicks him into the pit. They are about to leave, but then hear LOUD BAD SINGING. They turn and see SANJAYA MALAKAR from American Idol. SANJAYA (singing) # Oh, yeah! # #Ah-ah-ah, yeah! # (singing off-key): # Ooh-ooh-ooh! # (screeching): #Yeah!#Yeah! # A GIRL (10) is sobbing. Leonidas walks up to Sanjaya and kicks him into the pit.
SANJAYA (singing) # I'm not gay! Leonidas tries to walk away. Suddenly, RYAN SEACREST appears. LEONIDAS Ryan Seacrest? RYAN SEACREST How did you feel about that kick? Let's see what the judges have to say. - Randy? The American Idol judges RANDY JACKSON, PAULA ABDUL, and SIMON COWELL are there. RANDY JACKSON Yo, Leo, dawg, man... I, I wasn't really feelin' you on that kick, dawg. I don't know what happened, man. It was just all right for me, dawg. - I mean, just all right, dawg. RYAN SEACREST Paula? PAULA ABDUL Leonidas... you... move me. (voice breaking): RYAN SEACREST I don't- Simon? SIMON COWELL Leonidas... I thought the kick... was utterly... dreadful. PAULA ABDUL Oh... Simon- SIMON COWELL In fact, I've seen better kicks... from a geriatric donkey. And I'm not talking about you, Paula. I RYAN SEACREST I am sorry, King... but your journey ends here. LEONIDAS Oh, go (bleep, American Idol logo appears over mouth during bleep) yourselves! Leonidas pushes them into the Pit of death. He walks over to Ryan Seacrest who is sobbing. Camera pans down to reveal Ryan Seacrests pants. Ryan is urinating himself. Leonidas motions to the pit and Seacrest jumps in. RYAN SEACREST Seacrest out! CAPTAIN Excellent work, my king. It's time to consult with the prophets. Leonidas flips a nearby switch that says GARBAGE DISPOSAL. Those who were just kicked into the pit swirl around as if a toilet is flushing. EXT. ANCIENT PROPHET'S SANCTUARY A full moon overlooks an open space where the Ancient Prophets gather. The Ancient Prophets are very ugly and have yellow, cracked, blistered skin. MALE NARRATOR The ancient prophets were advisers to the king. Grotesque swine, their consult came with a bribe. Leonidas drops a bag filled with skin-care accessories. The prophets jump and scramble to pick up the items. MALE PROPHET #1 Oh. Oh, Oxy 10. Oh, Neutrogena. This has an SPF. Th-This is all-day protection. Look at this. Exfoliator with alpha hydroxy. This is good for you, Glenn. Rub it all over your disgusting face. What need you, King Leonidas? LEONIDAS Ancient prophets... I need your guidance. I'm assembling an army of 300 to go to war with Persia. I'm going to take them in the rear. Leonidas uses his finger to draw a path in the sand. The Prophets giggle at every reference to gay sex.
LEONIDAS (Cont'd) Here, here. And then I'm gonna reach around... (chuckles) ...and I'm gonna take them again from the front! (snickering) What?! Why are you sniggering?! PROPHET#1 Nothing. It's- no-nothing- - (clears throat) - (snickering continues) LEONIDAS What's so damn funny?! Look, it's all there for you to see! Leonidas's path resembles an erect penis entering a butt. LEONIDAS These are battle formations! PROPHET#1 (chuckling): Battle form- That's what he calls them! It looks like backstage at an Elton John concert! LEONIDAS Cut it out! This isn't funny! This is serious business! PROPHET #2 No Spartan goes to war... without first consulting... the oracle! Ethereal, ominous music plays. THE ORACLE is shown. She is wearing a flowing loose white garment and dances as if in a trance as the wind blows her dress. MALE NARRATOR The prophets chose only the most beautiful... of Spartan girls to be their oracle. The Oracle is revealed to be UGLY BETTY. LEONIDAS Oh- Ugly Betty? PROPHET #2 She has a great personality. LEONIDAS Eww!
PROPHET #2 I look like Jabba the Hutt. That is hot to me. Ugly Betty sneezes and blows snot and phlegm all over Leonidas and the Prophets. She passes out. Prophet#1 walks up to her, licks her face, her lips, and then sticks his tongue in her nostril. She wakes up and whispers to Prophet #2, who deciphers. PROPHET #2 "Fo' shizel my nizzel." (indistinct whispering) "Save the cheerleader... save the world." LEONIDAS Actually, I'm, I'm not into Heroes. PROPHET #2 "Douche bag says what?" LEONIDAS What? ((snickering) (prophets snickering) (whispering indistinctly) PROPHET#2 "Chest waxer says what?" LEONIDAS What? - PROPHET#2 (snickering) (chortling) (chuckling) He walked into that one. LEONIDAS What, what are you saying to me? I don't understand. ORACLE Go to war with Persia and you will surely die. PROPHET#2 You're screwed, dude. INT. LEONIDAS'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Leonidas stands naked in a doorway, looking at the moon. Some nearby FEMALE VILLAGERS are laughing at him, pointing at his genitals.
LEONIDAS What?! FEMALE VILLAGER #1 (laughter continuing) He looks like a Ken doll! (laughter continues) Camera pans to Leonidas's genitals. They are the smooth, untextured surface similar to a Ken doll. LEONIDAS It's cold! Leonidas puts on a cloth, and walks over to bed. Margo lies there, and he looks at her arm. A tattoo reads "LEONIDAS WAS HERE", he looks further, and it says "SO WAS...TOMMY LEE" LEONIDAS Tommy Lee? More tattoos says "KOBE, SHAQ" LEONIDAS SHAQ? More tattoos say "DR. PHIL, TARA REID, BORAT" LEONIDAS Borat? More tattoos say "AND THE OAKLAND RAIDERS" LEONIDAS The Oakland Raiders? MARGO Why is my king so restless? LEONIDAS Can't sleep. It's this whole Battle of Thermopylae thing. MARGO Are you still thinking about what that young oracle said? (sighs) There's only one woman whose words you should listen to. LEONIDAS Oprah. MARGO Your wife? Right, right. How will I be tried... in the court of public opinion? Margo grabs a laptop. MARGO Well, Harry Knowles at "Ain't It Cool News"... says this movie is just a cheap rip-off of 300. Leonidas holds the graphic novel of "300". The Female Villager's laughter is overheard. Leonidas flings the book away, and it hits Female Villager#1 in the face. MARGO Even if the oracle doesn't support you, I do. And Sparta does. This could be our last night together. You wanna do it? LEONIDAS Like we've never done it before. (exhales) (passionate, breathy moaning) (sighs Various shots of Leonidas and Margo moaning passionately. LEONIDAS ...97... 98...... 99... (grunting):100! It is revealed that Leonidas is bench-pressing Margo. LEONIDAS Beat my record. Leonidas throws Margo onto the floor. She screams. EXT. SPARTAN VILLAGE - DAY Leonidas greets Captain are outside the village. LEONIDAS Captain. CAPTAIN My king. They share an open mouth kiss. Captain pulls a long beard hair out of his mouth. LEONIDAS Have you assembled my army who are ready... to fight to the death for the freedom of Sparta?
CAPTAIN Yes, King. The Spartan Army is revealed. It is 9 men. LEONIDAS I wanted 300. This seems like... less. CAPTAIN These were the only men who met with your stringent... specifications. (Reads from a scroll) "Hunky with deep Mediterranean tans... "hot bods..." and, uh... "...well endowed." SPARTAN SOLDIERS Haawoo! Haawoo! Haawoo! DILIO (Early 20s), a portly young man, screams- DILIO Ready to fight for you, my king! Never give up! Never surrender! To infinity and beyond! CAPTAIN He has a lot of heart, my king. And nice man boobs. Leonidas grasps Dilio's breasts. LEONIDAS Indeed. These men will do. You are a fine captain, Captain. But a better friend... there is none. CAPTAIN Thank you. Leonidas massages Captain's shoulder and plays with his hair. Captain is uncomfortable. CAPTAIN Thank you. Thank you. SONIO (20s), a beautiful blond soldier appears. LEONIDAS Mm-hm. Damn! He's got a huge package. Sonio is holding a huge box that says UPS on it. He hands it to Captain.
SONIO I brought you some fudge. Mom said that you like to pack it. CAPTAIN She's a good woman. SONIO Good-bye, Father. CAPTAIN (sighs): Farewell, my son. LEONIDAS (clears throat) Introductions? CAPTAIN King Leonidas, this is my son, Sonio. SONIO My king. LEONIDAS Why is he not fighting? Well, he is not a warrior. And he's my only son... destined to carry on my name. LEONIDAS What do you think? Leonidas is talking to TYRA BANKS, J. ALEXANDER, and TWIGGY. They sit on a table that says SPARTA'S NEXT TOP MODEL TWIGGY Yummy. J. ALEXANDER Work it, sister. TYRA BANKS I think he's fierce. And if you don't like it... you can kiss my fat ass! Tyra Banks turns and smacks her butt cheek. Her skirt rolls up and her ass is revealed to be very corpulent and riddled with acne. LEONIDAS OH! Congratulations, Sonio. You're now on your way to becoming Sparta's... (whispering): next top warrior! Leonidas hands Sonio a headshot with Sonio reclining on a couch, sword held over his genitals. MARGO Spartan! Leonidas walks over to his Son. LEONIDAS My child... I shall never forget you. You are so small now... but one day you will grow to be big and strong... like your father. MARGO That's not your son. Leonidas looks closer and sees that his son is actually a little person. LITTLE PERSON You asshole. Little Person walks away. Leonidas walks over to his real son. LEONIDAS Take care of your mother. Stay tough, Son. Leonidas punches his son in the face. MARGO Come back with your shield... or on it. LEONIDAS And if I come back on it, I want you to move on. MARGO I would never. LEONIDAS Hell, if you died, I'd play the field. To be honest... I've always wanted to do a fat chick. Margo hands Leonidas a pendant with The penguin's severed beak on it. They high-five. CAPTAIN The men are ready, my king. LEONIDAS Good. We'll head south to the Hot Gates... where we'll intercept the Persian army. Some Councilmen appear. COUNCILMAN #1 Where are you going? The oracle said if we went to war, we'd be screwed. LEONIDAS The oracle also said that our painted-on abs look fake. But I beg to differ. Leonidas turns and sees a person spray-painting fake abs onto Dilio. Dilio giggles. LEONIDAS Give the order, Captain. Traitoro is texting somebody on a Blackberry. The Blackberry screen reads: "TO: [email protected], SPARTANS HEADING SOUTH - OMGROTFLOL" CAPTAIN Spartans! In formation! SPARTAN SOLDIERS Ah-ooh! Disco music plays. The Spartan soldiers hold hands and skip. The song "I will Survive" by Gloria Gaynor plays. SPARTAN SOLDIERS (Chanting) # Oh, no, not I # # I will survive # # Oh, as long as I know how to love # # I know I'll stay alive # # I've got all my life to live # # I've got all my love to give # #And I'll survive # # I will survive # # Hey, hey CAPTAIN Woo! EXT. CANYON - DAY
The Soldiers skip in holding hands. A sign with illustrations reads HOT GATES - GAS FOOD SLAUGHTER MALE NARRATOR The fearless Spartans... reached the Hot Gates... where danger lurked around every corner. A grotesque back and arm of a CREATURE is seen overlooking the Spartan Soldiers. LEONIDAS Halt skipping! The Soldiers break ranks. MALE NARRATOR Exhausted from the journey... the Spartans replenished their electrolytes. Sonio catches a Gatorade from off-screen. Dramatic sports music plays. The Spartans drink the Gatorade, give the camera thumbs up, and their sweat is seen as the color of the Gatorade they are drinking. MALE NARRATOR Gatorade. Is it in you? Dilio is greedily stuffing his face with donuts from a stack of Krispy Kreme donuts. CAPTAIN What do you think, my king? LEONIDAS We'll use the narrow passageway of the Hot Gates to funnel the Persians in... where their vast numbers won't count for shit. Captain, have the men found any other trails that the Persians could use to attack us? CAPTAIN None, sir. The creature appears hidden by a shield, showing only a woman's legs. CREATURE (in low, distorted voice): I know such a road, my king.
CAPTAIN Back off, hideous creature. CREATURE There's a secret goat path just above the Hot Gates. If the Persians found it, they could outflank you. LEONIDAS Slow your roll, Captain. Reveal yourself, creature. The creature reveals herself. It's Paris Hilton. She looks the same except she has a grotesque hump-back and her left arm is lumpy and disfigured. LEONIDAS Paris Hilton? PARIS HILTON Hey, fellas. LEONIDAS What happened to you? PARIS HILTON (chuckles): Oh. You mean the hump? LEONIDAS ...Yeah. The hump. PARIS HILTON It was all that, "You're going to jail. "Now you can get out of jail. Now you're going back to jail." And on and on and on and on- Ugh. It's just been really confusing. I mean, even Tinkerbell's affected by it. She hasn't moved since Saturday. But she still poops, which is weird. Paris Hilton points to her chihuahua, which is obviously a prop. PARIS HILTON (sighs): And me... they've turned me into this, like... totally grotesque monster! (crying): And I don't even know... (hip-hop ringtone plays): # Do tha hump-de-hump...do me baby...do tha hump-de-hump # PARIS HILTON (on phone) Hang on a minute. Oh- (groans) Hello? Oh, hey, Nicole. Nothing. Just some guys with swords. No, I'm talking about their actual swords, Nicole. You're gross. Yeah, I'm hungry. Did you eat? Oh, you ate an almond? Oh, yeah, you're done eating for the day. Okay. And then let's go to Pinkberry. Bye, sexy. (kiss) (laughs) Look... it's my dream to be a Spartan. I want to fight for you, my king. LEONIDAS What can you do? PARIS HILTON Well- Mmm. Have you seen my video? LEONIDAS I don't like the way you handle a spear. (Grabs spear from Paris Hilton) You grip the shaft firmly. Then with one hand on the base... you slide the other all the way up to the tip. PARIS HILTON That's hot. LEONIDAS I'm sorry, but we cannot use you. PARIS HILTON (groans, pants) No! It's not fair! Mom! You'll be sorry! You're making a terrible mistake! Paris Hilton throws her shield in the air in anger. PARIS HILTON (yells) I'm not as stupid as I look! The shield hits her on the head with a CLANG. As she falls, focus on her bare vagina, which is pixelated. PARIS HILTON Help. DILIO Look! Persians!
Ominious music plays. A small Persian army appears, led by a Persian Emissary (METHOD MAN) Close-up of their faces, with some masks having exaggerated silly teeth and tongues sticking out. PERSIAN EMISSARY I am the emissary to the great god-king Xerxes... come to accept your surrender. LEONIDAS Oh, we're not here to surrender. SPARTAN SOLDIERS Haawoo! PERSIAN EMISSARY (laughs) Xerxes will enjoy making you his slaves.
Dilio is enraged. He runs, grabbing a sword. He jumps off a nearby rock towards the Emissary, and jumps over the Persian army, colliding with a wall. Falling off the wall, he lands genitals-first onto a tree branch. LEONIDAS Spartans! SPARTAN SOLDIERS Yah! LEONIDAS Let's battle! Oh, we about to stomp the yard. The valley ground is replaced by a sleek black marble surface. The Spartans do a heavily choreographed stomp dance. SPARTAN SOLDIERS (chanting): We are the Spartans. We stomp the yard. Check out our buns. They are rock hard. The Spartan Soldiers flex their butt cheek muscles. Persian Emissary does exaggerated fake chuckling. SPARTAN SOLDIERS Ooh, ooh. Spartans! Yeah! (Spartans cheering) PERSIAN EMISSARY Persians! Let's show 'em why we're national champs three years runnin'. You dig? The Persians do a heavily choreographed stomp dance. PERSIAN SOLDIERS We like wearing turbans and eating baklava. We like chicks with burkas... that cover their ta-tas. Ooh, ah! Ooh, ah! Persians, huh! - The Persians turn and drop their pants, exposing their hairy buttocks. The Spartan soldiers cringe. Close-up of the Persian Soldiers' hairy buttocks. Close-up of an iPod Classic. It says "NOW PLAYING XERXES MIX" The Spartan Soldiers do a new dance filled with backflips, jumping flips, and cartwheels. Persian Emissary and the Persian soldiers are mystified. Persian Emissary leads the Persian Soldiers in a dance in which he dances on rollerblades. He attemps to skate over the bodies of some Persian soldiers but one of them accidentally sticks his leg up and the Emissary is hit in the testicles. The Spartan and Persian soldiers perform some wild break- dancing, culminating in a move in which King Leonidas attempts to head-slide, but his spine breaks and his head breaks off of his body. The Soldiers wince. Leonidas stands up, and cracks his head back into position. He is fine. LEONIDAS You got served! (cheers, shouts, whooping. King Leonidas turns and looks at a panel of DANCING WITH THE STARS judges LEN GOODMAN, CARRIE ANN INABA, and BRUNO TONIOLO all present a score of "10". PERSIAN EMISSARY You telling me we lost? LEONIDAS Dance them to the cliffs! No mercy! PERSIAN EMISSARY Come on, man, can we talk about this? Yo, I just met these dudes right here. I don't even know them.
EXT. CLIFFS - DAY CAPTAIN Onward! Keep dancing, boys! The Spartan Soldiers push the Persian Soldiers over the cliff. Some of them jump off a diving board. SPARTAN SOLDIERS Last one in is a rotten egg! - Cannonball! Marco! (splash) (echoing): Polo! (splash) SPARTAN SOLDIERS HYAH!!! LEONIDAS We may have won the battle, but they will win the war! SPARTAN SOLDIERS Hyah! What? ROCK MUSIC plays. The Spartan Soldiers are seen holding beers, similar to a Budweiser "Real Men of Genuis" commercial. The Spartans are looking at each other, confused at the off-screen voices. ANNOUNCER Buttmeister presents... "Real Men of Genius." SINGER # Real men of genius! ANNOUNCER Today we salute you... Mr. Warmongering Latent Homosexual. SINGER # Mr. Warmongering Latent Homosexual! ANNOUNCER # Wearing nothing but leather underwear and a cape... you charge your enemy like an oiled-up hairless wonder. Leonidas is spraying himself with tanning spray. SINGER # Spray-on tan!
ANNOUNCER # Sure, there's danger- charging rhinos, stampeding elephants... and that cute toga-wearing guy named Chad. SINGER # Ooh! ANNOUNCER # You only went out on one date... but you'll remember it... (echoing): forever, forever... King Leonidas is chugging a bottle of Valtrex as pills tumble out of the bottle. SINGER #Take your daily Valtrex! ANNOUNCER # Your keen instincts tell you to cut, slice and chop... every man you see. But enough about your career as a hair stylist... let's talk war. SINGER # Ow! That curling iron is hot! # ANNOUNCEER So this Butt's for you, King Leonidas... because when the going gets tough... the tough go antiquing. Leonidas spits out his beverage in shock at that last insult. SINGER # Mr. Warmongering Latent Homosexual... # #Yeah. The men stand proud. INT. MASSAGE PARLOR - DAY Margo sits with cucumbers over her eyes. A LOYALIST appears. LOYALIST Queen Margo... we must speak. MARGO (exhales) Loyalist, what do you want?
It is revealed that Margo has cucumbers over her eyes, as well as tomato slices over her nipples, and a slice of pepperoni pizza over her crotch. LOYALISTY Nice tomatoes. Your husband needs you. You must convince the council to send more troops to support your husband. Margo turns over in a massage table. An ASIAN MASSEUSE rubs her back.
MARGO My husband is dead. He told me to move on. Besides, I'm already registered on J Date. The Masseuse walks on her back. MARGO A little to the right. - (soft crunching) - That's it. LOYALIST If Leonidas fails, Xerxes will take over... and you will be stripped of your crown. MARGO I won't be queen? The Masseuse grunts and jumps and plants her knees into Margo's back. A loud CRUNCH MARGO Ow! That's too hard. LOYALIST You will lose everything. The Masseuse violently tramples Margo. MARGO Ow! Ooh, stop. LOYALIST Your palace, your Mercedes... The Masseuse violently karate chops Margo's back. MASSEUSE Hi-yah! LOYALIST ...your Nintendo Wii... - (grunts) The Masseuse violently stomps on Margo's spine. MARGO No, no, no, no, no. - (grunts) - Ow! LOYALIST ...your vaginal regeneration surgeon... The Masseuse does a jumping backflip and lands on Margo's back. MASSEUSE HI... YAH! LOYALIST ...your gardener. MARGO (gasps) Antonio? Margo spots ANTONIO, a hunky Spartan using a leafblower. He places the leafblower in a suggestive position in front of his genitals. LATIN MUSIC plays. She blows him a kiss. MARGO My husband needs me. I'll do whatever it takes. LOYALIST I will set... the meeting with the council. But in order to win their vote... you will need to get Traitoro's support. He holds great influence... with the council. The Masseuse falls from off-screen, landing on Margot's back, crushing her body and the massage table. MARGO (O.S.) There better be a happy ending. EXT. CANYON - DAY The Spartans are resting. One of them looks like he is giving another fellatio. He is actually pulling a sword out from a sheath. DILIO King Leonidas! Xerxes approaches. MALE NARRATOR Xerxes. He looked a lot like that fat guy from Borat. XERXES (50s, Ken Davitian) appears, transported on a large golden throne. He puts his hand to his chest. XERXES I am the great god-king Xerxes. He pulls his hand away, and accidentally rips his own nipple ring off, tearing off his nipple. XERXES Ooh! ALL Ooh! XERXES Ow, ow, ow! Not again! That always happens. Xerxes grabs a stapler gun and staples his nipple back on. ALL Ow! Xerxes walks off his golden throne. Persian soldiers attempt to create some human steps for him to walk on, but one arrives too late and he falls down. ALL Damn! PERSIAN SOLDIER Oh, s-sorry, Xerxes. XERXES It's cool. It's cool, cool. I'm fine. I meant to do that. (chuckles) Xerxes takes out a golden pistol and shoots the Persian Soldier with it. ALL Oh, shit! XERXES I'll tell you, kid, you got balls. I come over here with a big army. We going to shish kebab your ass.
LEONIDAS Before this battle is over... people will know... that even a god-king can fall. XERXES Listen, Leo, I came here to talk. Just listen to my deal. Ladies! The set of DEAL OR NO DEAL is revealed. Beautiful women are on stage with numbered briefcases. WOMEN Hi, Xerxes. A Phone rings XERXES Ah, that's probably for me. Hello? Really? Okay. (hangs up) That was the banker. He's offering... to buy back your briefcase... for a weekend getaway for two in Las Vegas, Nevada... at the Palms Hotel and Casino! WOMEN Ooh... DILIO I've always wanted to go there! XERXES All you have to do is bow down to me...and surrender Sparta. Deal... or no deal? Xerxes presents the red deal or no deal button. SPARTAN SOLDIERS/LEONIDAS (yelling, back and forth) Deal! - Deal! - Take it! Take the deal! You think I should? No! - Take the deal! - It's simple. - Take the deal! - Come on! LEONIDAS: What about Sparta? - Hit the button! - Come on! WOMEN Take the deal! Take it! - Take it! - Take the deal! Hit the button! (shouting continues) Take it!
Leonidas slams the casing on the button. LEONIDAS No deal! - (groans, angry grunts) - Oh, great! XERXES By the time I'm finished with you... Sparta will be annihilated. It will be as though you never existed. I will see to it that you are... written out of the history books. LEONIDAS Well, that's fine by me, Xerxes... because I can't read. MALE NARRATOR Xerxes didn't take rejection well. From every corner of his empire... he sent his most vicious warriors to fight. A group of Trash-Talkers from MTV's YO MAMA appear. MALE TRASH-TALKER Yo mama's so ghetto, when she breast-feeds... Kool-Aid comes out! The Trash-Talkers explode with laughter. Captain approaches the Trash-Talker. CAPTAIN Yo mama's so stupid, she thought Tupac Shakur... was a Jewish holiday! (derisive shouts, laughter) (clucking like a chicken) FEMALE TRASH-TALKER and DILIO approach each other. FEMALE TRASH-TALKER Yo mama's so fat, her pants size is, um, um, um... "Bitch, lose some weight"! (laughter, shouts) DILIO Your mama's so butch... Rosie O'Donnell wouldn't even date her. Uh-uh! No, you didn't! No, you didn't! - Whoa! - No, you didn't! FEMALE TRASH-TALKER Well, yo mama titties is smaller than yours. (others hooting) Bounce some D's on that bitch! DILIO Your mama's so fat, Sir Mix-A-lot decided... he doesn't like big butts! And he ain't lyin'! Dilio smacks his own butt. Female Trash-Talker punches him in the face. DILIO Oh! Ow! Oh, my eyes! Oh! Oh! FEMALE TRASH-TALKER How you like that, huh? - Sit down. MALE TRASH-TALKER #2 and LEONIDAS approach. MALE TRASH-TALKER#2 Yo, yo mama's so fat, that when she farts... Al Gore accuses her of global warming, dawg. Whew! Cranking it up! LEONIDAS Yes, well, that may be the case, but your mama's so hairy... the only language she speaks... is Wookiee! - (roars like a Wookiee) - (laughter) Oh! The Trash-Talkers try to speak but the Spartan Soldiers repeat the Wookiee noises. Close-Up on Xerxes, whos stands on his throne dejected. MALE NARRATOR Xerxes watched as his warriors were defeated. It sent an all-too-human chill up his spine. Xerxes pulls out a pack of Dentyne Ice, and holds it up to the camera. MALE NARRATOR Or perhaps that was the Dentyne Ice... with cool mint crystals. Xerxes's ice cold breath fogs camera lens. INT. SPARTAN VILLAGE - NIGHT Margo fills a cup of water with a ladle. Traitoro approaches.
TRAITORO Loyalist said you wanted to see me. Traitoro snatches the cup of water from Margo and drinks it up. MARGO That's my urine sample. Traitoro spits it out and throws the cup. TRAITORO Tastes like asparagus. MARGO Leonidas needs more troops. Without reinforcements, Sparta will fall and- Traitoro stares at Margo's breasts. Instead of Margo's voice, we hear "Waahhh-Waahhh" horn music, until- MARGO I'll do anything for my husband. TRAITORO Anything? (exhales seductively) - Margo takes off her dress, revealing her breasts. a BOINGING noise is heard TRAITORO Awesome! I'm so getting laid! Good-bye, virginity. I promise you, you're not going to enjoy this. But I suffer from premature eja- TRAITORO writhes and grimaces as he ejaculates. MARGO Oh- Mmm. It's okay: I have crabs. CLOSE-UP of normal-sized crabs scuttling all over Margo's nether regions. CUT TO: INT. TENT - DAY A tent having an orgy. A man plays on a recorder. Another, on the bongos. A server is mixing Grey Goose vodka with Red Bull. Attractive women are rubbing and grinding on each other. Paris Hilton is there.
XERXES (O.S.) Betray your beloved Spartans and I will give you anything you desire. Paris Hilton sees two attractive women making out. PARIS HILTON That's hot. XERXES (O.S.) Bow down to me. (barking) Paris Hilton sees two dogs having sex. XERXES Bow down to the great god-king... Xerxes. PARIS HILTON I'm a Hilton. I don't bow. But I do bend over. XERXES Ah, good. PARIS HILTON There's a secret goat path into the Hot Gates. You could totally use it to defeat Leonidas. XERXES Ah- (laughs) And what do you desire? PARIS HILTON I want my record expunged. Oh, and I want that new Chanel purse. Xerxes claps his hands, and a servant brings her a black Chanel purse. PARIS HILTON Thank you. I want throwing up to be fun. XERXES You got something to say, say it- I got things to do. PARIS HILTON (quietly): What was it? I can't remem- She places her disfigured hand on her hump.
PARIS HILTON Oh, God, geez, yeah. (groans) I want to get this hump removed. XERXES (CHUCKLES) MMM! Xerxes walks over, touches the hump, he licks it, pokes it and caresses it. He knocks on it. PARIS HILTON Will you please just do it? It's really heavy and really hard to keep clean. XERXES Done. Xerxes takes a dagger and pops the hump. Puss and bile shoot out of the hump, spraying him and knocking him across the room. EXT. CANYON - DAY The Spartan Soldiers are resting. Leonidas drinks a foamy latte from a The Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf coffee stand. LEONIDAS As long as Xerxes doesn't find the secret path to the Hot Gates...their vast numbers won't count for shit. Sonio emerges and skips towards the soldiers. SONIO My king! LEONIDAS Catch your breath. (To coffee server) Vanilla blended. What is it, boy? Sonio grabs the Vanilla latte and slurps from the straw. SONIO Xerxes has found the secret goat path through the Hot Gates. LEONIDAS Aw, shit! Damn that Paris Hilton. SONIO (panting): I hate her. He's deployed thousands of Persian soldiers that'll be here any minute. (panting) (slurps) Leonidas walks to Dilio. LEONIDAS Dilio... how bad are your injuries? DILIO Oh, it's, uh- it's just a scratch, my king. Dilio turns. You can see through his eyes and through the back of his skull.Creepy music plays. LEONIDAS You've got no eyes. DILIO The gods blessed me with a spare. LEONIDAS No, they haven't. You just had the two. Jeremy has the spare. Leonidas looks at JEREMY, a Spartan soldier with three eyes. He waves. Leonidas applies a blindfold to Dilio. DILIO I can still fight! Dilio flails his arms wildly and punches a fellow Spartan. LEONIDAS Whoa! No! - Dilio! Dilio! - Walk with me. Dilio goes the wrong way. He's blind. LEONIDAS No. No. No. Your fate is the most important. As they walk, Dilio knocks down Spartan soldiers with his spear. LEONIDAS You must go back to Sparta... and tell of our tale. DILIO Yes, my king. Any message for the queen?
Leonidas takes the penguin pendant and hands it to Dilio. LEONIDAS None that need be said. Now go, Dilio. Tell how 13 Spartans fought for honor... for glory... for freedom! Dilio walks into a rock wall. LEONIDAS Good luck, Dilio. Suddenly, Persian soldiers appear surrounding the edges of the cliffs overlooking the Spartans. Leonidas grits his teeth and is so mad, steam is shooting out of his ears like a cartoon character. LEONIDAS Spartans! The Spartans skip into battle. Xerxes is there on his golden throne. XERXES This is your final chance. Bow down to me or you will die. LEONIDAS I bow for no man! XERXES ...Take a knee. LEONIDAS No! XERXES ...Curtsey? LEONIDAS Enough! XERXES Well, your sandal is untied. LEONIDAS Oh... thanks very much. Leonidas bows to tie his sandals. XERXES See? Was that that difficult?
LEONIDAS No, wait, no! XERXES Ah-tah-tah-tah-tah- LEONIDAS No, I wasn't bowing. XERXES No, no, no. LEONIDAS I was just doing my shoe! XERXES No, you acknowledged me as your god-king. High-five! The Spartans laugh at Xerxes XERXES Ooh. What? What-What-What the hell is so funny? LEONIDAS You! You greet like women. XERXES You idiots are wearing banana hammocks and you're laughing at me? Now you're pissing me off. I'm getting everybody. Xerxes takes out a Boost Mobile phone and makes a call. XERXES Hello. Where you at? I know where I'm at. Bring in my vast army. You 13 putz are no match for my massive Persian army. They number in the millions! Two Persian soldiers arrive and set down a blue screen. LEONIDAS That's just a blue screen. XERXES Stupid. It's a visual effect. It's going to be digitally inserted later. And the army is quite impressive, as you can imagine. - Hundreds of warriors are displayed on the blue screen. The Spartan soldiers gasp and brace themselves. INT. SPARTAN COURTYARD - DAY The Loyalists and Councilmen are gathered. LOYALIST Gentlemen, may I present... Queen Margo. Dance music plays as Margo arrives in clear high heels and a sexy robe. The Loyalists hoot and holler at her. LOYALIST #1 Come on, baby. I'm gettin' a chubby. LOYALIST #2 Boner alert. Boner alert. LOYALIST #3 Okay, boys, make it rain! The Loyalists throw dollar bills on Margo as she provactively dances for them, shaking her breasts and buttocks. The Loyalists thrust their hips suggestively. MARGO Good councilmen... I implore you. Your king, my dear husband, needs your help. Sparta will fall... if you don't agree to send the rest of our army. Offscreen, Traitoro claps slowly, then rhythmically, then slowly again. TRAITORO Gentlemen, our only hope for survival is to surrender to Xerxes and beg for his forgiveness. Do not be swayed by the words of this common prick-tease... with crabs all up in her coochie. LOYALISTS Ooh- MARGO Oh, no, you didn't. TRAITORO Yes. Yes, I did. Margo yells and grunts, enraged.
MALE NARRATOR Queen Margo unleashed a venomous rage... Suddenly, a venom symbiote covers her body, and she is seen wearing a black Spider-Man costume. MALE NARRATOR much like Tobey Maguire in Spider-Man 3. Traitoro punches Margo. Margo rips the face portion of her mask off. TRAITORO (laughing) I'm evil. Margo runs up to Traitoro and punches him. Her first goes right through him, and sand is where his innards should be. TRAITORO Made of sand. Margo kicks Traitoro in the testicles. Traitoro falls to his knees, spewing sand from his mouth. Two chestnuts pop out of his mouth. Margo leaps at Traitoro. TRAITORO Oh, no. Margo crushes Traitoro, who is now just a pile of sand. A cat walks up to the pile of sand.
MARGO OH... CUTE. The cat farts and defecates on the sand. MARGO Gross.
Suddenly, Traitoro's sand form spins and he re-forms, but now the cat turds are on his face. The Councilmen laugh. TRAITORO What is it? - (councilmen laughing) Oh! Oh! Oh, God! Oh! Oh, my God. Margo picks up a dust-buster.
MARGO How you like me now, Sandman? TRAITORO Oh, no. Dust-busting bitch! No! Margo vacuums Traitoto as he sinks into the ground. EXT. MANHATTAN BUILDING - NIGHT A city skyscraper in Manhattan. Margo is hanging upside down from some webbing, looking at herself in the mirror. MARGO The power...it feels good. Suddenly, the window opens, and Donald Trump appears. MARGO Donald Trump? DONALD TRUMP Spidey, ya fired! Donald Trump grabs a pair of hedge clippers and cuts the webbing. Margo falls. She tries to shoot some webbing onto the building, but it latches onto and rips off Donald Trump's toupee. Donald Trump screams. CUT TO: INT. SPARTAN COURTYARD - DAY Margo is no longer wearing the Venom costume. Loyalist looks at the sand and picks up Traitoro's Blackberry and looks at the screen. LOYALIST Well, tickly my nipples with a feather! Xerxes is in Traitoro's Top 5!!! Traitoro's Top Five Screen shows Xerxes, Don Imus, Nicole Richie, Rosie O'Donnell, and Justin Timberlake. ALL Grumble, grumble, grumble- COUNCILMAN Traitoro was a... traitor? - (gasps) - MARGO Duh! All in favor of sending more troops... say aye. ALL Aye! Aye! Aye! Aye! Aye! Aye! Aye! Aye- CUT TO: EXT. CANYON- NIGHT Persian soldiers surround the Spartan soldiers as they prepare for battle. LEONIDAS Spartans! SPARTAN SOLDIERS A-HOOO! The Persian soldiers draw their swords. XERXES We have you surrounded. Lay down your weapons! LEONIDAS Come and get them! CAPTAIN Formation! Spartan Soldiers in the front bend over, and Spartan Soldiers in the back piggy-back on to them, their genitals next to the front soldiers buttocks. Except Sonio, who stands confused. LEONIDAS A Spartan always protects another man's rear. Sonio shrugs and then jumps onto Leonidas LEONIDAS ADJUST YOUR SWORD, BOY. IT'S DIGGING INTO MY BACK. Sonio looks at his sword, which is in his hand. SONIO But i'm not wearing my sword. LEONIDAS Carry on then.
CAPTAIN My son. today... you are truly a spartan. SONIO Thanks, father. XERXES Attack! (shouting, yelling) LEONIDAS Steady, spartans! The Persian soldiers charge. Two soldiers hold a blue screen with hundreds of charging soldiers displayed on it. LEONIDAS Remember this day, boys! for today is the day you die! SPARTAN SOLDIERS Huh? - what? huh? what? LEONIDAS I- I mean they die. today's the day they die- that's what i meant to say. The Spartans soldiers yell as the Persian soldiers run into them. They all knock into each other and fall down. XERXES Oh, what a bunch of dumb shits. LEONIDAS God, that smarts. CAPTAIN I am gonna go hercules on your ass! In slow motion, Leonidas charges. He knocks down a Persian soldier and stabs another, his spear hitting a fellow Spartan soldiers testicles. He takes a wet gym towel, fashions it into a whip, and whips a soldier. He rips the shirt off of a soldier and gives them a purple nurple. He gives another soldier an atomic wedgie. Xerxes screams. Sonio turns and sees GHOST RIDER. SONIO Ghost Rider! Ghost Rider, riding a motorcycle and swinging a chain, points at Sonio. GHOST RIDER you're going to hell. Sonio takes a fire extinguisher and sprays it at Ghost Rider. Ghost Rider falls on the ground and rolls around. GHOST RIDER Stop, drop and roll! Stop, drop and roll! yo! Captain stabs Ghost Rider and looks at Sonio with pride. The Persian soldiers break ranks, revealing that they have ROCKY BALBOA in chains. ROCKY BALBOA YOOOOO!!!! Close Up of his trunks, which say "ROCKY" The Persian soldiers release Rocky from the chains. CAPTAIN Noooooo! ROCKY BALBOA yo, sonio. i'm gonna knock your block off. SONIO oh, shit. Rocky Balboa swings and knocks Sonio's head clean off. No blood, just his head flying off his body. CAPTAIN Sonio! Sonio falls to his knees, his headless body giving a chest-bump and peace sign before falling to the ground. CAPTAIN you'll pay for this, balboa. ROCKY BALBOA go for it. Captain punches Rocky and Rocky's toupee flies off. He is completely bald. Captain punches him in the gut and his trunks fall off, revealing adult diapers. CAPTAIN Adult diapers? Rocky punches Captain, who falls to the ground. Captain reaches over and sees a small knife. He almost grabs it, then sees a pistol. He almost grabs it, and then sees a large syringe. The syringe says "BOTOX" on it. Captain grabs the syringe and stabs Rocky in the head with it. ROCKY BALBOA botox... overdose. Rocky falls to the ground. Captain lifts up Rocky's championship belt. CAPTAIN Yes! yeah! yeah! Xerxes picks up a spear and throws it at Captain. It goes right through his stomach. XERXES Yes! Xerxes runs over to his throne and hides, covering his face like a child playing peek-a-boo. Leonidas runs to Captain. Captain coughs, mucus running and bubbling from his nose, phlegm shooting out his mouth. CAPTAIN It's a- a beautiful death. LEONIDAS ...It's actually not that attractive. Captain looks confused, then dies. Leonidas runs, enraged toward Xerxes. Suddenly, HARD ROCK music plays and the look of the film is slightly pixelated, and we see the title "GRAND THEFT AUTO HOT GATES" in the corner, a map HUD in the lower left corner, and health, money, and wanted levels in the top right. Leonidas runs stiffly, he runs up to a MEXICAN GANG MEMBER in a nearby convertible, picks him up and throws him out of the car. He changes the radio music to the song BARBIE GIRL by Aqua. Leonidas snaps and fist pumps to the music. LEONIDAS Come on Barbie, let's go party! Xerxes spots a glowing blue crowbar. He jumps out of the convertible and grabs the crowbar. He runs over to a Persian soldier holding two uzis, hits him with the crowbar, and then beats his lifeless body. Leonidas grabs the uzis, turns, and his abs reveal the words "SAN ANDREAS"tattooed on his abs. Xerxes winces. XERXES shit! Leonidas shoots down dozens of Persian soldiers with the uzis. The soldiers's bodies fade away. XERXES Enough of this gratuitous video game violence! Leonidas skips toward Xerxes, who slowly hobbles off his throne and runs away. Xerxes trips and falls. He turns and sees that he tripped over the Allspark from the film Transformers. XERXES Ah, the Tranformer cube!!! Xerxes gets into the convertible with the cube. XERXES okay, baby, let's transform. Leonidas and all the soldiers look on as Xerxes car transforms, whirs, and honks, until suddenly Xerxes rises 50ft tall as the transformer XERXESTRON. XERXESTRON I... am xerxestron... equipped with advanced alien technology. Xerxestron points to a monitor on his chest. The monitor says "YOUTUBE - Broadcast Yourself". Suddenly, CHRIS CROCKER appears on the monitor, from his "Leave Britney Alone" video. CHRIS CROCKER Leave britney alone!
LEONIDAS He IS a god-king. CHRIS CROCKER Please!!! Xerxestron slowly walks toward the soldiers, his footsteps thundering. He slows down. It is revealed he is plugged into a nearby outlet. CHRIS CROCKER leave her alone! She's a human! Xerxestron, confused, yanks the chord out with his feet, and then the monitor powers off, and he stumbles. XERXESTRON Oh, oh, ain't that a bitch. Xerxestron falls and the soldiers yell and panic. Xerxestron crushes all of the soldiers. MALE NARRATOR Leonidas was true to his word. A god-king did fall. But unfortunately, right on them! FADE TO: EXT. SPARTAN VILLAGE - DAY Margo stands, looking worried. Dilio stumbles in, feeling Margo's face with his hands. DILIO I-I- I just. Dilio feels her breast. He laughs, and then feels the other breast. DILIO Ooh. Queen Margo. MARGO Yeah. Dilio hands her the penguin pendant and walks away, arms outstretched, stumbling. FADE TO: EXT. CANYON - DAY Reveal on Leonidas. He is dead, but he has a wide smile on his face.
LEONIDAS Leonidas and the Spartans... died for honor... for glory. They died a beautiful death. Camera slowly reveals that another dead Spartan soldier is lying on top of him in a "69" position. FADE TO: EXT. CANYON - DAY Same canyon. A title reads "1 YEAR LATER" DILIO Today, we stand against Xerxes' thousand Persians. A small persian army stands with a blue screen displaying hundreds more soldiers. DILIO But we now have 100,000 soldiers! The Spartan Soldiers are also holding a blue screen, this one displaying thousands of soldiers. The Persian soldiers are scared. SPARTAN SOLDIERS Ah-ooh! Ah-ooh! Ah-ooh! DILIO To victory! Dilio puts his helmet on, stumbles and then points the wrong way. DILIO Ah. Follow me, boys! Dilio charges the wrong way, and the Spartan Soldiers run after him. MALE NARRATOR And thus, Dilio blindly led the Spartans away from the Persians. The Persians stand confused, shrugging. FADE TO: EXT. MALIBU - DAY
A modern-day rehab center in Malibu. Dilio and the Spartan soldiers charge toward the center. MALE NARRATOR to Malibu... Lindsay Lohan appears. MALE NARRATOR just as Lindsay Lohan was leaving rehab... again. Dilio hits Lindsay Lohan with her shield, and she is sent flying. The camera zooms in to her skirt, which blows upward to reveal her bare vagina, which is pixelated. Zoom into vagina. CUT TO BLACK INT. AMERICAN IDOL STAGE - DAY The stage for American Idol, lights shine as Gloria Gaynor's I Will Survive plays. The characters sing as the CREDITS play. LEONIDAS #At first I was afraid # # I was petrified # # Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side # MARGO # But then I spent so many nights # #Thinking how you did me wrong # #And I grew strong # LEONIDAS/MARGO #And I learned how to get along # CAPTAIN #And so you're back # # From outer space # # I just walked in to find you here # #With that sad look upon your face ORACLE # # I should have changed my stupid lock # # I should have made you leave your key CAPTAIN/ORACLE # # If I had known for just one second # #You'd be back to bother me TRAITORO # # Go on, now go # #Walk out the door # #Just turn around now # # 'Cause you're not welcome anymore # MESSENGER #Weren't you the one # #Who tried to hurt me with good-bye? # # Did you think I'd crumble? # # Did you think I'd lay down and die? # ALL # Oh, no, not I # # I will survive # # Oh, as long as I know how to love # # I know I'll stay alive # # I've got all my life to live # # I've got all my love to give # #And I'll survive # # I will survive # # Hey, hey # RANDY JACKSON (yells) Whassup, dawg?! (sings) # Ha-ha! It took all the strength I had # # Not to fall apart, dawg! # PAULA ABDUL # Kept trying hard to mend the pieces of my broken heart SIMON COWELL # #And I spent, oh, so many nights # #Just feeling sorry for myself # SANJAYA # I used to cry SONIO # # But now I hold my head up high XERXES # #And you see me # # Somebody new # # I'm not that chained-up little person # # Still in love with you # - (music stops) -
BRITNEY SPEARS appears. BRITNEY SPEARS That's "Britney," bitch. She stumbles around listless like in her VMA 2007 performance. BRITNEY SPEARS # And so you felt like dropping in # #And just expect me to be free # # Now I'm saving all my lovin' # # For someone who's lovin' me # # Go, come on, now, uh! # (rhythmic panting) # Britney's in the house, where my babies at? # #Ah, like this # ALL # Go, now, go # #Walk out the door # #Just turn around now # # 'Cause you're not welcome anymore # #Weren't you the one # #Who tried to hurt me with good-bye? # # Did you think I'd crumble? # # Did you think I'd lay down and die? # # Oh, no, not I # # I will survive # # Oh, as long as I know how to love # # I know I'll stay alive # # I've got all my life to live # # I've got all my love to give # - #And I'll survive # - That's right, dawg! # I will survive # # Hey, hey! The choregraphed music and dance stops and we see all of our heros on stage. THE END