MEET THE SPARTANS We hear rousing orchestral fanfare and a woman chanting over the REGENCY and MEET THE SPARTANS title. THUNDER crashes. EXT. PIT OF SKULLS - NIGHT A cliff that oversees a pit of skulls. MALE NARRATOR In the land of Sparta... when babies were born... the elders would inspect them for defects. If any imperfections were found... the baby was rejected. Spartan Man uncovers the baby. The baby is SHREK. SHREK (Scottish accent): Ah. Are you my mama? 'Cause I'm ready to suckle a teat. Shrek projectile vomits on the Spartan Man and cackles. The Spartan Man wipes the vomit off of his face and punts Shrek off of the cliff. The Spartan Man reveals a baby with Asian features. MALE NARRATOR And if the baby... was Vietnamese... Brangelina had first dibs. The Spartan Man gives the Vietnamese Baby to Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, both wearing contemporary clothing. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie fawn over the baby while Spartan Man shakes his head. Spartan Man uncovers BABY LEONIDAS. The baby has a large thick beard as if he were a Spartan adult. MALE NARRATOR Behold Leonidas... BABY LEONIDAS (Adult voice) AH-OOH! MALE NARRATOR The perfect Spartan. The camera pans down to reveal that Baby Leonidas already has well defined abs. Spartan Man nods his head, chuckles and stamps the baby's buttocks with a stamper. The stamp reveals "INSPECTED BY #12" CUT TO: INT. SPARTAN TRAINING GROUNDS - DAY A sand-covered training area for fighting. A fist flies toward screen and hits YOUNG LEONIDAS (10). Young Leonidas also has a large full beard as if he were an adult. MALE NARRATOR From an early age... Leonidas was taught to fight. Leonidas is sparring with an ELDERLY WOMAN(80s). ELDERLY WOMAN Come on, you little shit! Come on! You can't beat me. You're never gonna be a Spartan, never. YOUNG LEONIDAS Take this, Granny! Young Leonidas punches the Elderly Woman and her dentures fly out towards the camera in a slow motion 3-D effect. FADE TO: INT. SPARTAN TRAINING GROUNDS - DAY TEENAGE LEONIDAS (16, portrayed by Sean Maguire, who is adult) sits bound in a chair. He has braces and acne. MALE NARRATOR He was tortured, taught to show no pain. Swinging a thick knotted rope is LE CHIFFRE from the film Casino Royale. Blood violently squirts from his left eye and down his face. LE CHIFFRE Tell me, Mr. Bond... what is the account number? TEENAGE LEONIDAS Who the hell is Mr. Bond? I'm Leonidas. LE CHIFFRE You're testing my patience, Double-Oh. TEENAGE LEONIDAS But I am not Double- Le Chiffre hits Teenage Leonidas in the testicles with the rope. TEENAGE LEONIDAS (Screams) OH! Le Chiffre laughs and strikes him again. Close-up on Teenage Leonidas's swollen testicles. TEENAGE LEONIDAS Oh! Little Miss Sunshine! Le Chiffre holds a can of Pedigree dog food next to Teenage Leonidas' face, logo towards camera. TEENAGE LEONIDAS (TREMBLING): Oh, oh- - Le Chiffre holds a large spoonful of dog food up to his face. LE CHIFFRE Here's a nice one. Le Chiffre spreads the dog food on Teenage Leonidas's testicles. TEENAGE LEONIDAS Oh- - (whimpering) No, no, no. LE CHIFFRE That's right. Le Chiffre holds a dog next to Teenage Leonidas. LE CHIFFRE Mr. Bond, I'd like you to meet Captain Adorable. - (dog growls) - Good boy. Good boy. Who's a good boy? The dog licks Teenage Leonidas's testicles. Leonidas struggles in his chair but smiles also. The dog bites Teenage Leonidas's testicles with a LOUD CRUNCH. Teenage Leonidas yells. FADE TO: EXT. FOREST - NIGHT It is snowing heavily. Teenage Leonidas is cowering and rubbing himself for warmth. MALE NARRATOR Leonidas was sent into the wild... to learn how to survive. (shivering) He braved the elements... endured starvation. Teenage Leonidas sees and picks up a SUBWAY Fresh Fit Footlong sub. He takes a bite, chews it, and spits it out, disgusted. TEENAGE LEONIDAS No mayo? This is bullshit! CUT TO: POV shot from the perspective of THE BEAST. MALE NARRATOR The beast stalks Leonidas... red eyes glowing like the fires of hell. We see The Beast's glowing red eyes. A suspenseful theme builds. As the music builds, we see The Beast resembles a penguin. The music changes to dance music and the Penguin starts tap dancing. TEENAGE LEONIDAS (Laughs) Man, you've got happy feet! A record needle SCRATCHES and the music stops. The Penguin talks in a pronounced African-American urban dialect. THE BEAST What you laughin' at, asswipe? I'm about to shove my happy foot up your ass... - cracker. TEENAGE LEONIDAS Nice penguin. THE BEAST Where you going, pussy? The penguin leaps at Teenage Leonidas feet first and lands on him, his rear end on Teenage Leonidas's face. The penguin slaps his face. THE BEAST I'm 'bout to make you my bitch, Leonidas. Lick my snowballs. CLOSE-UP of The Penguins' now human like testicles on Teenage Leonidas' lips and tongue. The Penguin turns around and bends over, sticking his butt on Teenage Leonidas's mouth. THE BEAST Now eat my penguin asshole. The Penguin farts repeatedly. THE BEAST That Taco Bell ain't sittin' right. TEENAGE LEONIDAS Oh, it smells! Close-Up of the Penguin defacating a stream of white feces into Teenage Leonidas's face and mouth. THE BEAST Ha! Caught you with your mouth open. Teenage Leonidas throws The Penguin off. He backs into a corner, and The Penguin follows him. THE BEAST You dead, Leonidas. Say "Wassup?" to Anna Nicole for me. The Penguin jumps toward Teenage Leonidas, but Teenage Leonidas leaps backwards and The Penguin becomes stuck between two jagged rocks. THE BEAST Shit! I'm stuck! Oh, we got a penguin pinned down! Help! Help! The Penguin grunts. Teenage Leonidas sees a harpoon inside of a glass cabinet that reads IN CASE OF PENGUIN ATTACK BREAK GLASS. He breaks the glass and grabs the harpoon. THE BEAST Oh! My ass! My ass hurt! Oh! Why you wanna do me like that? Come on, man, I could hook you up. We could work it out. I'll suck your dick! Teenage Leonidas spears The Penguin with the harpoon. FADE TO: INT. SPARTAN TRAINING GROUNDS - DAY Teenage Leonidas enters, shown wearing the scalped head and flippers of the penguin as a cowl. MALE NARRATOR And the boy that was cast into the wild... returned a king!. Spartan soldiers kneel before him. He looks around, and throws his cowl to some Female Fans, who fight over the item. Loud Techno music plays. Margo (Carmen Electra) emerges suggestively licking a lollipop. Teenage Leonidas is entranced. She nearly reveals her buttocks and shows off her cleavage. TEENAGE LEONIDAS Whoa...boobs... She playfully beckons for him to come over, which he does. She hands him a Sharpie marker. MARGO Sign my rack?...And they're real, too. TEENAGE LENOIDAS Yes! (laughs) He signs her cleavage "MARRY ME?" TEENAGE LEONIDAS Marry me? Margo laughs and writes "12-45-19" on Teenage Leonidas's chest. TEENAGE LEONIDAS What's that? MARGO The combination to my chastity belt. Camera pans down. Margon lifts up her skirt and reveals a steel-plated chastity belt with combination lock. TEENAGE LENOIDAS (excited shuddering) Oh- Margon knocks on the belt with a STEEL BANGING SOUND. A crowd of nearby people cheer and whoop. Colorful confetti falls from the sky. MALE NARRATOR Leonidas was stoked. He wed Margo, and she bore him a fine son. And life in the land of Sparta was good. Pan to the sky, then to Leonidas (20s). He is an adult. He is sparring with his SON. LEONIDAS Yes! Yes! Good! SON Thanks, Dad. Son jabs Leonidas and runs around him to attempt to put him in a headlock. Leonidas grabs his Son by the head and whips him around to the ground. Margon looks on. LEONIDAS Give me your hand. Remember, Son: A warrior must learn to take a hit. Leonidas violently headbutts his Son. LEONIDAS (Points to His Heart) Fight with your head: (Points to his brain) think with your heart. SON Huh? MARGO Give him the pile driver, honey. SON Pile driver? Leonidas picks up his Son, and gives him a piledriver. Son screams, a loud CRUNCH, and then stops. MARGO That's my boy. Leonidas gives his son a flying elbow drop in slow motion. Son screams. CAPTAIN (40s, Kevin Sorbo) appears. CAPTAIN My queen. MARGO Captain. Offscreen you hear Son yelling "NO!" as he is being beaten. CAPTAIN I see Leonidas is molding our future king of Sparta... to be a man. Leonidas chases his Son with a chainsaw. CAPTAIN I remember when my father used to beat me. Leonidas hits his son with a steel chair. MARGO Traditional rites of passage. Leonidas smashes a vase over his Son's head. CAPTAIN No. My father was an alcoholic. Leonidas shoots his son with a paintball gun. As his Son struggles, we see Margo and Captain are also firing at him. CAPTAIN Xerxes' messenger awaits, my king. Leonidas exhales, then shoots a last shot, which hits his Son directly on the forehead. EXT. SPARTAN VILLAGE - DAY MESSENGER (40s) stands with some other Persian soldiers. MESSENGER Greetings, Leonidas. LEONIDAS Greetings, messenger. They shake hands, but then Leonidas gives Messenger a loud kiss on the lips. Messenger spits, replused. MESSENGER What the hell was that? LEONIDAS What? MESSENGER You just kissed me! LEONIDAS That is how men of Sparta greet one another. High fives for the women... (Leonidas high fives Margo) and open-mouth tongue kisses for the men.