Volume 1 Transformed Hearts Blog Collection
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The 301 Series 1 0 1 BLOGS to Transform Your Life Volume 1 Transformed Hearts Blog Collection Cory & Kerry Schortzman 101 Blogs to Transform Your Life, Volume 1 Copyright © 2016 by Cory & Kerry Schortzman; All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No portion of this publication may be reproduced in any manner without written permission of the author. ISBN Number 978-0-9968670-2-3 Front cover design copyright © Kerry Schortzman All rights reserved. To order additional copies of this resource: Write Transformed Hearts Counseling Center, Inc.; 15455 Gleneagle Dr., Ste 200, Colorado Springs, CO 80921; Fax your order to (719) 488-4454; Call (719) 590-1350; E-mail [email protected]; Or order online at www.transformedhearts.com. TABLE OF CONTENTS PART I: John & Rebecca’s Story .............................................................................................................1 #1 Pain & Priority #2 What is Intimacy Anorexia? #3 Removing the Virus: Treatment Options #4 Four Principles to Save Your Marriage #5 Addicted to Being Offended PART II: The Obstacles to Intimacy Series............................................................................................15 #6 Obstacle #1: Sex Addiction #7 Obstacle #1: Sex Addiction (Tips & Tools) #8 Obstacle #2: Intimacy Anorexia #9 How Do We Become Intimacy Anorexics? #10 Reactive Intimacy Anorexia #11 The Anorexic Cycle #12 Obstacle #2: Intimacy Anorexia (Tips & Tools) #13 Obstacle #3: The Offended Heart #14 The Victim & Victor Cycle #15 Living IN Offense #16 Living ON Offense #17 The Physical Manifestation of Offense PART III: Cory’s Blogs ..........................................................................................................................59 #18 The Use of a Polygraph in Recovery #19 What Sex Addiction Treatment is Missing #20 Warning Signs you are in a Relationship with an Intimacy Anorexia #21 So You Married an Intimacy Anorexic #22 Warning Signs you are in a Relationship with a Sex Addict #23 How You & Your Sobriety Can Survive the Holidays #24 Recovering from your (Unmet) Resolutions #25 Keys to Overcoming Sex Addiction #26 Keys to Overcoming Intimacy Anorexia iii #27 After Cinderella Meets Peter Pan #28 How Pornography is Destroying our children #29 Fifty Shades of Grey...It’s Really Black and White #30 Ten Lies Young Women Face #31 Ten Lies Young Men Face #32 Sex Addiction on a Continuum #33 The 12 Steps & the Self-Deception of Mental Health #34 Declaring War on Shame #35 Breaking the Shackles of Fault #36 The Intimacy Crisis #37 Fifteen Ways to Get Over Your Offended Addiction #38 The Ultimate Victim #39 Moving From Victim to Victor #40 The Non-Fiction of Sex Trafficking #41 The Media’s Fabricated Duggar Scandal #42 May is for Masturbation #43 The Gift of Sex Addiction #44 Communication in Marriage: Validating does not mean Winning #45 When did I Become a Man? #46 Porn is NOT an Eye Problem #47 Why 12 Step & Faith-Based Programs are Politically Incorrect #48 The 72-Hour Lie & Blue Balls #49 Many Alcoholics are Untreated Sex Addicts #50 Communication & Anger Management Issues #51 A Recovering Sex Addict’s Double Life #52 The Anxiety of Intimacy Anorexia #53 Ashley Madison Hacked - Private Becomes Public #54 Common Core or Common Whore #55 Using Boredom in Sex Addiction Recovery #56 After the Ashley Madison Affair #57 Sex Addiction Recovery: 2 Different Perspectives #58 Five Mistakes Men make in Recovery with their Partner #59 Understanding Emotional Addiction #60 Overcoming Emotional Addiction #61 Ten Reasons Parents Don’t Talk to their Children about Porn #62 Ten Ways to Begin Talking to your Children about Sex & Porn #63 Understanding Offended Addiction #64 Living on Offense in your Sex Addiction Recovery iv 101 Blogs to Transform Your Life, Volume 1 #65 The Windshield & Sex Addiction Recovery #66 Sex Addiction & Intimacy Anorexia Treatment #67 A Cure for Lust, Sex Addiction & Intimacy Anorexia #68 Codependency Addiction...A Seductress of Society #69 Living the New Year...Unoffended #70 When your Partner Doesn’t Want Help #71 Social Media, Narcissism & Millennials #72 Narcissism & Pimp Culture #73 8 Ways Husbands Lie #74 Women Lie Too #75 The Female Intimacy Anorexic #76 7 Character Traits of a Recovered Couple #77 Everything is Porn #78 Men Have Feelings Too #79 Spiritual Addiction #80 Setting Boundaries as an Intimacy Anorexic #81 Moving from Worthless to Worthy #82 Seven Signs of a Cheating Spouse #83 Is Individual Therapy Destroying my Marriage? #84 Ten Reasons Sex Addicts Act Out #85 My Spouse is Cheating! Now What do I do? #86 Is my Diet Affecting my Sobriety? #87 Assertive Sex #88 Intimacy Anorexia & Reactive Attachment Disorder PART IV: Kerry’s Blogs ........................................................................................................................ 253 #89 Are you Addicted to Being Offended? #90 Surprising Wrapped Blessings #91 The Disclosure Process #92 Grace Drawn in the Sand #93 Who does your Heart Belong to? #94 How Precious You Are #95 Trust His Heart #96 Believe Who God Is #97 Wolves in Sheep’s Clothing #98 Find Some Rest #99 Words Can Bring Life or Death #100 Are We Living in the Last Days? #101 What will you do with the Football? v APPENDIX ...................................................................................................................................................287 Sex Addict Test Intimacy Anorexic Test Offended Heart Test Winning at Recovery List Transformed Hearts Services & Resources vi PART I John & Rebecca’s Story Written by Cory 1 101 Blogs to Transform Your Life, Volume 1 log Article # 1 Pain & Priority It was a Wednesday summer afternoon at Transformed Hearts in Colorado Springs, Colorado. I had been returning calls we had received on our voice mail system. One of the calls I received was from a woman on the East Coast, who sounded very discouraged and distressed about her husband. She believed he had been living a double life again, reverting to his old behaviors and not living in recovery. When I returned her call, Rebecca answered. I introduced myself and asked her how we could help her. She was glad I was able to call her back. As she held back tears, she proceeded to tell me about her husband, who had once again been lying to her about his pornography addiction. She had found internet activity to specific porn sites and repeated phone numbers on their wireless bill. She confronted her husband, and he admitted his failure at recovery with a great deal of shame and regret. She believed there may have been another woman this time, but he denied such. For the last 5 years of their 20-year marriage, they have seen over 12 counselors and attended other intensive programs and support groups. Rebecca didn’t want to tell her friends or family. She felt as though they would not understand. They only told her to leave, but she loves her husband. She proceeded to explain that she felt betrayed and was in a great deal of pain. She heard about Transformed Hearts Counseling’s program for sexual addiction through a friend whose husband had finally turned his behaviors around after working the program and is now living in recovery. She wanted to know if we could help her and if there was any hope. I assured her there is always hope in recovery! First, I asked Rebecca if her husband wanted help, which she believed he did. She stated he was a good man but had made some bad choices. He just hasn’t been able to break free from his addiction, even after several attempts. I informed her I cannot help someone who doesn’t truly want help. Second, Rebecca and her children were in a great deal of pain. However, it didn’t sound like her husband, John, was in any pain at all. In fact, she stated, “he drinks a small glass of wine most nights” and is, therefore, “medicated” with an anesthetic of alcohol and porn. 2 101 Blogs to Transform Your Life, Volume 1 I told Rebecca the pain John was in is far less than hers. Until he was in more pain, he would most likely not choose to change. Change is painful. Most people do not choose change until the pain they are in is so painful that change actually looks inviting and less painful. Pain is a great motivator, but it is also an external motivator, much like when one has a tooth cavity. Most addicts brush and floss for a short period of time. Then they stop, get another cavity, and call the doctor to schedule a filling. After the pain ends, they stop the preventative measures again. Third, I informed Rebecca that at Transformed Hearts we teach partners to believe behavior. Do not believe what the addict says, believe what the addict is doing. He said he loved her, but his behaviors were anything but loving. This is typical for many individuals participating in the 3-5 day intensives at Transformed Hearts. I informed her that, generally, addicts who successfully get out of addiction are motivated because it is a priority to them to get better whether their marriage makes it or not. These addicts want to change, because it is the right thing to do. They are willing to keep brushing and flossing long after the cavity is filled and when no one is watching. They do not need the pain of another cavity. They are internally motivated and want a heart change. Rebecca was beginning to understand. She was beginning to see that John had only been externally motivated for the last 5 years. He only did recovery work when she got angry and upset with him, but that only lasted for 2-4 weeks. She understood that he needed to move from pain to priority. I knew Rebecca was starting to realize that many addicts will move from pain to priority and never look back once they receive proper help. Rebecca wasn’t sure what to do next. For the moment, I asked her if she thought John would be willing to do a free assessment over the phone that would take 20-30 minutes.