M ARRIAGE F ITNESS Praise for MARRIAGE FITNESS “Once in awhile, I come across a book that can really make a dif- ference… This is one of those times. MARRIAGE FITNESS will not only improve your marriage significantly, but I believe you will become a bet- ter individual by following its guidelines. With marriages falling apart all around us, this timely book can and will work!” –Dr. Stephen R. Covey, author The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People “A breakthrough for the institution of marriage. This should be required reading for every spouse in America.” –David J. Lieberman, Ph.D. New York Times Bestselling Author, Make Peace with Anyone “Deeply rooted in psychology, theology, and the pragmatic realities of day-to-day living, MARRIAGE FITNESS—like the best exercise regi- men—increases stamina, flexibility, and overall well-being. MARRIAGE FITNESS offers a step-by-step, wonderfully practical way to strengthen, revive, or rejuvenate any marriage.” –Dr. Richard J. Levin Author of Shared Purpose “Mort Fertel does a wonderful job explaining the root of marriage success, organizing a clear plan to achieve it, and interweaving fascinating stories as well as his own personal journey to make MARRIAGE FITNESS a pleasure and a power.” –M. Gary Neuman, M.S., LMHS Author of Emotional Infidelity “Excellent! Great ‘marriage’ of theory and practice...Mort Fertel’s comprehensive book is a practical, hands-on approach to gaining and maintaining the love we all want . .” –Michael Adamse, Ph.D. Author of Anniversary: A Love Story and Affairs of the Net “MARRIAGE FITNESS is a valuable and sophisticated psychological tool for empowering and enhancing marriage. Mort Fertel sheds light on ‘Love’; a concept too often misrepresented by mainstream psychology as esoteric or vague. He then elevates the paramount driving force of ‘Love’ in an exceedingly spirited and practical way, giving the reader new hope, new direction, and a new set of techniques to overcome the challenges of marriage. This book will take your marriage to new heights of clarity, intimacy and connectedness beyond your wildest dreams!” –Dr. Brian Greer The Center for Family Development Diplomate American Boards of Child & Adult Psychiatry and Neurology “MARRIAGE FITNESS is a splendid, must-read text providing those in significant yet challenged relationships a true opportunity to relocate and protect the charm and spirit in their lives. MARRIAGE FITNESS is among the most enjoyable and pragmatic ‘relationship-saving workouts’ that I have had the pleasure to review. Taken seriously with meticulous attention paid to the detail of its broad genre of relevant exercises, there exists little doubt that many couples will find excitement and exhilaration re-establishing and supporting the love in their lives.” –Robert L. Hersh, Psy.D. “MARRIAGE FITNESS is practical and enjoyable. It offers a step-by- step plan for a strong and healthy marriage and the stories make it a joy to read. Mort Fertel is highly motivating—he’ll inspire you get your mar- riage in top shape!” –Ashira Bunder Drury, M.S. Ed. “The premise of MARRIAGE FITNESS gives an entirely new mean- ing to ‘self help’!” –Jill Oppenheimer Kaplan, Ph. D. “Mort Fertel has formulated the best plan for marriage I have ever seen. His research is extensive, his approach practical, and I guarantee he’ll inspire you to action.” –Elyse Hurtado, Ph.D. “MARRIAGE FITNESS sets the standard upon which all future rela- tionship success strategies will be measured. Bravo!” –Rebecca Carner, Ed.D. Diplomate Neuropsychology “Mort Fertel draws masterfully from diverse wisdoms and synthe- sizes the best ideas on relationship success into a clear and compelling message. MARRIAGE FITNESS incorporates the wisdom of psychology and theology, and utilizes some of history’s greatest thinkers including Einstein, Plato, Sophocles, Emerson, and Oliver Wendell Holmes. Mort Fertel blends all that with fascinating stories, a children’s tale, and his own personal journey. This is a book that everyone can relate to.” –Allen Segal, Ph.D. “This is the only book of its kind. A standing ovation for Mort Fertel.” –Melissa Rosenberg, MSS, NHA “MARRIAGE FITNESS provides a well conceived plan based on love and alliance that gives life to the institute of marriage threatened by today’s culture.” –Ambassador David M. Walters M ARRIAGE F ITNESS 4 Steps to Building & Maintaining Phenomenal Love By Mort Fertel MarriageMax, Inc. Baltimore, MD www.MarriageMax.com M ARRIAGE F ITNESS 4 Steps to Building & Maintaining Phenomenal Love DISCOUNT BULK PURCHASES This book is available at special discounted prices for all bulk purchases including sales promotions, education, premiums, fundraisers, and gifts. Special editions, including personalized covers or imprints, can be printed for quantities of 500 and more. For more information, please visit www.MarriageMax.com. Copyright © 2004 by Morton Fertel All Rights Reserved. This book, or parts thereof, may not be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means without permission except in the case of brief quotations for articles and reviews. Please address all inquiries to MarriageMax, Inc. First printing 2004. Permission granted by Southern Days Music to use “looking for love in all the wrong places.” He Touched Me Lyric by Ira Levin Music by Milton Schafer (c) 1965, 1966 (Renewed) IRA LEVIN and MILTON SCHAFER All Rights Controlled by EDWIN H. MORRIS & COMPANY, A Division of MPS Communications, Inc. All Rights Reserved Although the author and publisher have made every effort to ensure the accuracy and completeness of the information contained in this book, we assume no respon- sibility for errors, inaccuracies, omissions, or any inconsistency herein. Book design by Fine Line Design Cover design by George Foster Author photograph by Paul Kline Edited by Shannon M. Dougherty Fertel, Mort. Marriage fitness : a revolutionary system for building phenomenal love, including the MarriageMax 4-step plan / by Mort Fertel. p. cm. LCCN 2003116636 ISBN 0-9744480-0-1 1. Marriage. 2. Man-woman relationships. 3. Love. I. Title. HQ734F47 2004 646.7′8 QBI33-1758 MarriageMax, Inc. Baltimore, MD www.MarriageMax.com Get Mort Fertel’s FREE Breakthrough Report “7 Secrets to Fixing Your Marriage” PLUS 41 other marriage help articles not included in this book Sign up now at www.MarriageMax.com (It’s absolutely FREE.) For my wife, Ari. You complete me. A CKNOWLEDGEMENTS he greatest thing we can do for our children is to improve ourselves. I want to thank my four beautiful Tchildren for inspiring me to learn how to succeed in love and marriage. I love you so much. Thank you, Mom. I feel a deep sense of purpose in life and the confidence to pursue it. Both are a gift from you. Thank you for your continual support, encouragement, and love. Dad, thank you for everything you have done for me and taught me. Sonny, you make loving look so easy. You embody traits I struggled a lifetime to acquire. The older I get, the more I appreciate who you are and what you have done for me. Thank you. Thanks, Melissa, for taking time out of your busy life to review the manuscript and offer your insights. I appreci- ate your involvement and all the ways you found to help. Arthur and Julie, thank you for your deep concern, passionate efforts, and careful reading of every version of the manuscript. From the first draft to the final proofing, you were there for me. I appreciate all your help. Most of all, thank you for Ari. Noah, thank you for your help. You always find a way to make a difference. Do you realize that the seeds for this book were planted when we met more than twenty years ago? To my amazing and dear friends: Steve Hartman, Sue Kaskel, Betty and Ephraim Goldberg, Dov Linzer, Hadassah 13 M ARRIAGE F ITNESS Mort Fertel Field, and Jody Bennett—thank you so much for your unselfish help and loyal friendship. Your feedback was instrumental in refining and shaping the manuscript. Elyse, thank you for all the ways you found to make a difference. No matter where I was with the project—no matter what I needed—you were there to help. Through your efforts, and by involving others, you made a huge con- tribution. I am deeply grateful. Thank you, David Aaron. Your insights are an inspira- tion and your wisdom is profound. May you continue to bring light to the world. I will always be thankful for the impact you had on my life. Thank you, Randee Dutton. I was overwhelmed by how much time and effort you put into improving the manu- script. I hope you know how much I valued your perspective. Thank you, Jill Kaplan and Kathy Williams, for invest- ing so much time and energy into offering your input. Many thanks to my editor, Shannon M. Dougherty. You are a consummate professional and a pleasure to work with. You identified some key issues and pushed me to make the book better. Thanks for a job well done. Mordechai Neuman, I owe you a lifetime of thanks. So much in my life, including this book, would never have happened without your help and wisdom. And most of all—to the love of my life, Ari. We became this book. I am so blessed to have you as my wife. I love you more than words can say. Finally, all my gratitude to The Author—it is my honor and privilege to serve as Your pen. 14 T ABLE OF C ONTENTS Introduction . 19 A Surprising Solution . 20 How to Simplify Your Situation . 22 Two-in-One . 24 Getting Your Marriage in Shape . 25 A Tribute to Your Marriage . 26 Part I: How Love Works Chapter 1: The Power of Love .