1 TROY STORY 3 ZEUS Agamemnon? Bore. Never did like him much.

Shakespeare’s Troilus and Cressida in blue. HERMES Before you know where you are, they’ve got this Other Shakespeare texts in plum. huge army – Achilles, Nestor… (Can’t remember the name) Immortals plot in black. the one from Ithaca –

Scene 1 ZEUS Ulysses. A tremendous peal of thunder. Lights up on All-Seeing ZEUS, god of the heavens, King of Olympus, clutching his HERMES That’s him. thunderbolt and sitting atop the huge boulders on which are built the towering Cyclopean walls of Troy – Marlowe’s ZEUS Windbag. ‘topless towers of Ilium’ – which loom solidly behind him. HERMES You said it. Anyway, there’s now legions of angry Next to Zeus, and slightly below, sits HERMES, the messenger Greeks parked outside the walls of Troy and – god, holding a rolled-up scroll. Beneath them is an old woman, asleep. ZEUS What does… Wossname say?

Both Zeus and Hermes stare impassively out at the audience HERMES Who? as clouds swirl around their feet and lightning splits the Olympian sky. ZEUS You know, Trojan king.

The thunder rumbles. After a while in which they both sit HERMES Oh, Priam. Well, he’s not happy, is he? Anyway – staring into the audience, Hermes speaks. ZEUS What’s the time? HERMES Looks like rain again. HERMES (Looks at the moon.) Getting to be midnight. Pause. ZEUS Put on the oracle. See what she says about it. Staying in tonight? HERMES Sybil! Zeus nods slowly. Hermes kicks the sleeping old woman, who starts awake and, Monopoly? without the slightest pause, jerks into TV anchor mode and delivers the news. ZEUS (Shakes his head slowly.) Apollo always wins. SIBYL …And scattered showers over the northern part of the HERMES You’re Zeus. Can’t you rig it? Mediterranean. In other news…

ZEUS Never play a game of chance, Hermes, with a god who She leaps to her feet and adopts a suitably oracular pose as has the gift of prophecy. the lights change and we hear atmospheric MUSIC.

HERMES (Nods. Pause. He opens the scroll – which the keen- In Troy, there lies the scene. From isles of Greece sighted might decipher as being The Daily Argus - and reads.) Proud Agamemnon and his brother king I see the Greeks are kicking up again. Have from the port of Athens sent their ships, Fraught with the ministers and instruments ZEUS (Heavy sigh.) What is it this time? Of cruel war; and now their vow is made To ransack Troy, within whose strong immures HERMES Usual stuff. Paris has run off with King Menelaus’s The ravish’d Helen, Menelaus’ queen, wife. With wanton Paris sleeps; and that’s the quarrel. To – ZEUS Paris who? Zeus clicks his fingers. She breaks off, the former lighting is HERMES Trojan prince – the pretty one. restored and the music ends abruptly.

ZEUS And Menelaus is upset, is he? ZEUS (Thoughtfully.) Helen, is it?

HERMES You know what the Spartans are like. It suddenly HERMES Is what? becomes a matter of “family honor”. ZEUS Menelaus’s wife, who’s been stolen by Paris: she’s Zeus scoffs. called Helen?

His brother has to pitch in. HERMES That’s right.

2 ZEUS (Trying to recall something.) Isn’t she related to me? ZEUS Greeks and Trojans business, right. HERMES In a way. As he is leaving. ZEUS What do you mean, “In a way”? Oh, one other thing. HERMES Remember Leda? HERMES Yes? ZEUS No. TOGETHER (Hermes knows him of old.) Not a word to Hera. HERMES Remember changing yourself into a swan? Zeus exits. Hermes kicks Sybil back into life. Pause. Scene 2 ZEUS Oh, that Leda. SYBIL HERMES Yes, that Leda. …leading to serious congestion across the Straits of Corinth.

ZEUS What about her? She clicks into declamatory mode again.

HERMES Well, after your ornithological adventure, she laid And so our scene must to the battle fly; two eggs. Where - O for pity! - we shall much disgrace With four or five most vile and ragged foils, ZEUS You’re kidding me. Right ill-disposed in brawl ridiculous, The name of Agincourt. HERMES Out of one came Clytemnestra – HERMES Wrong battle. ZEUS Now married to Agamemnon, yes. SYBIL What? HERMES And out of the other – HERMES That’s Henry the Fifth. TOGETHER Helen! SYBIL (Seriously.) It’s all the same, really, isn’t it? Nothing ZEUS Well, there’s a thing. changes.

HERMES As you say. So, in answer to your question – Yes: HERMES (Pause.) I take your point. she’s your daughter… Or, if you prefer, cygnet. SYBIL (Shrugs.) ZEUS You think I ought to take an interest? Like or find fault; do as your pleasures are. Now good or bad, 'tis but the chance of war. HERMES Well, a card and a small check at birthdays would be nice. Hermes nods grimly.

ZEUS I mean in the war. Given that my eggy daughters have ended up married to the Greek King and his brother. Scene 3 MUSIC as the scene changes. HERMES And that one of them has precipitated an international incident by running off with a Trojan prince? There is a scene of violent battle (during which Hermes and Yes, since you ask. Sybil unobtrusively leave the stage) in which several of the more famous Greek and Trojan warriors strut their stuff. They ZEUS (With obvious reluctance.) All right. Better get down exit fighting, and the sounds of battle lessen (with there, I suppose. See what’s happening. What have I got on corresponding change in lighting) as… tomorrow?

HERMES (Kicking Sybil again.) Sybil? Scene 4 [T&C, 1.1] SYBIL (Instantly awake and in PA mode.) 7:30 a.m.: Business TROILUS enters, removing his armor. In the background we breakfast with Rosy-fingered Dawn, followed by – hear the continuing noise of battle as PANDARUS enters.

ZEUS Cancel it. Cancel the whole day: I’m out of the office. TROILUS Sorting this Greeks and – who did you say - ? Call here my varlet; I'll unarm again: Why should I war without the walls of Troy, HERMES Trojans. That find such cruel battle here within? 3 PANDARUS ANDROMACHE runs past with some attendants as Troilus - CRESSIDA appears on the upper level with HELENUS, a TROILUS priest and Troilus’s brother. At Priam's royal table do I sit; And when fair Cressid comes into my thoughts - CRESSIDA PANDARUS Who was that went by, Helenus? Well, she looked yesternight fairer than ever I saw HELENUS her look, or any woman else. But, for my part, she Hector’s wife, Andromache. is my kinswoman; I would not praise her. CRESSIDA TROILUS And whither goes she? O Pandarus! I tell thee I am mad HELENUS In Cressid's love: thou answer'st, ‘she is fair’. Up to the eastern tower, Lady Cressida, PANDARUS To see the battle. Hector, whose patience I speak no more than truth. Is, as a virtue fix'd, to-day was moved: TROILUS He chid Andromache and struck his armourer. Thou dost not speak so much. CRESSIDA PANDARUS What was his cause of anger? Faith, I'll not meddle in't. She's a fool to stay behind her HELENUS father; let her to the Greeks; and so I'll tell her the next time I The noise goes, this: there is among the Greeks see her. For my part, I'll meddle nor make no more i' the A lord of Trojan blood, nephew to Hector; matter. They call him Ajax. TROILUS CRESSIDA Pandarus - Good; and what of him? PANDARUS HELENUS Not I. They say he is a very man per se, TROILUS And stands alone. Sweet Pandarus - CRESSIDA PANDARUS So do all men, unless they are drunk, sick, or have no legs. Pray you, Troilus, speak no more to me: I will leave all as I HELENUS found it, and there an end. This man, lady, is as valiant as the lion, churlish as the bear, slow as the elephant. There is no man hath a virtue that he Trumpets and a great shout. Enter AENEAS. hath not a glimpse of, nor any man an attaint but he carries During the dialogue he is mopped down and given drinks like some stain of it. a boxer between rounds. CRESSIDA But how should this man, that makes AENEAS me smile, make Hector angry? How now, Prince Troilus! Wherefore not afield? HELENUS TROILUS They say he yesterday coped Hector in the battle and What news, AEneas, from the field to-day? struck him down, the disdain and shame whereof hath AENEAS ever since kept Hector fasting and waking. That Paris is returned home and hurt. CRESSIDA TROILUS Who comes here? By whom, AEneas? HELENUS AENEAS Madam, your uncle Pandarus. Troilus, by Menelaus. Enter PANDARUS. TROILUS Let Paris bleed; 'tis but a scar to scorn; CRESSIDA Paris is gored with Menelaus' horn. Hector's a gallant man. Another great shout. HELENUS AENEAS As may be in the world, lady. Hark, what good sport is out of town to-day! PANDARUS TROILUS What's that? What's that? Are you bound thither? CRESSIDA AENEAS Good morrow, uncle Pandarus. In all swift haste. PANDARUS TROILUS Good morrow, cousin Cressid: what do you talk of? Come, go we then together. Good morrow, Helenus. They exit. Helenus bows to Pandarus and leaves.

[T&C, 1.2] How do you, cousin? What were you talking of when I came? CRESSIDA 4 That Hector was angry. fifty hairs' quoth he, 'and one white: that white PANDARUS hair is my father, and all the rest are his sons.' I know the cause too: he'll lay about him to-day, I can tell 'Great Zeus!' quoth she, 'which of these hairs is Paris, them that: and there's Troilus will not come far behind him: let my husband? 'The forked one,' quoth he, 'pluck't them take heed of Troilus, I can tell them that too. out, and give it him.' But there was such laughing! CRESSIDA and Helen so blushed, an Paris so chafed, and all the What, is he angry too? rest so laughed, that it passed. PANDARUS CRESSIDA Who, Troilus? Troilus is the better man of the two. So let it now; for it has been while going by. CRESSIDA PANDARUS Excuse me? Well, cousin. I told you a thing yesterday; think on't. PANDARUS CRESSIDA Hector shall not have Troilus’s wit this year. So I do. CRESSIDA PANDARUS He shall not need it, if he have his own. I'll be sworn 'tis true. PANDARUS A retreat sounded Nor his beauty. CRESSIDA PANDARUS 'Twould not become him; his own's better. Hark! They are coming from the field: shall we stand up here, PANDARUS and see them as they pass toward Troy? Good niece, do, sweet You have no judgment, niece: Helen herself praised Troilus’s niece Cressida. complexion above Paris. CRESSIDA CRESSIDA At your pleasure. Why, Paris hath colour enough. PANDARUS PANDARUS Here, here, here's an excellent place; here we may I swear to you. I think Helen loves him better than Paris. see most bravely: I'll tell you them all by their CRESSIDA names as they pass by; but mark Troilus above the rest. Then she's a merry Greek indeed. CRESSIDA PANDARUS Speak not so loud. Nay, I am sure she does. I think his smiling AENEAS passes. becomes him better than any man in all Troy. CRESSIDA PANDARUS O, he smiles valiantly. That's AEneas: is not that a brave man? He's one of the PANDARUS flowers of Troy, I can tell you: but mark Troilus; you shall see Does he not? anon. CRESSIDA ANTENOR passes. O yes, an 'twere a cloud in autumn. PANDARUS CRESSIDA Why, go to, then: but to prove to you that Helen Who's that? loves Troilus, I cannot choose but laugh, to think how she PANDARUS tickled his chin. But there was such laughing! Queen Hecuba That's Antenor: he's one o' the soundest judgments in Troy. laughed that her eyes ran o'er. When comes Troilus? I'll show you Troilus anon: if CRESSIDA he see me, you shall see him nod at me. With mill-stones. HECTOR passes PANDARUS And Cassandra laughed. PANDARUS CRESSIDA That's Hector! There's a fellow! (Shouts out.) Go thy way, Did her eyes run o'er too? Hector! There's a brave man, niece. O brave Hector! Is't not a PANDARUS brave man? And Hector laughed. CRESSIDA CRESSIDA O, a brave man! At what was all this laughing? PANDARUS PANDARUS It does a man's heart good. Look you what hacks are on his Marry, at the white hair that Helen spied on Troilus' chin. helmet! CRESSIDA CRESSIDA An't had been a green hair, I should have laughed too. Be those with swords? PANDARUS PANDARUS They laughed not so much at the hair as at his pretty answer. Swords! Any thing, he cares not. Yonder comes Paris, yonder CRESSIDA comes Paris. What was his answer? PARIS passes. PANDARUS Quoth she, 'Here's but two and fifty hairs on your Look ye yonder, niece; is't not a gallant man too, is't not? chin, and one of them is white. 'Two and Why, this is brave now. Who said he came hurt home to-day? 5 He's not hurt: why, this will do Helen's heart good now, ha! PANDARUS Would I could see Troilus now! You shall see Troilus anon. I'll be with you, niece, by and by. DEIPHOBUS passes. CRESSIDA To bring, uncle? CRESSIDA PANDARUS Who's that? Ay, a token from Troilus. PANDARUS CRESSIDA That's Deiphobus. I marvel where Troilus is. That's By the same token, you are a bawd! Deiphobus. I think he went not forth to-day. That's Deiphobus. Exit PANDARUS CRESSIDA Words, vows, gifts, tears, and love's full sacrifice, Is Deiphobus a good fighter, uncle? He offers in another's enterprise; PANDARUS But more in Troilus thousand fold I see Deiphobus? No. Yes, he'll fight indifferent well. I Than in the glass of Pandar's praise may be; marvel where Troilus is. Hark! Do you not hear the Yet hold I off. Women are angels, wooing: people cry “Troilus”? Things won are done; joy's soul lies in the doing. CRESSIDA That she beloved knows nought that knows not this: What sneaking fellow comes yonder? Men prize the thing ungain'd more than it is: TROILUS passes. Then though my heart's content firm love doth bear, Nothing of that shall from mine eyes appear. PANDARUS Where? 'Tis Troilus! There's a man, niece! (Shouts.) Brave Cressida remains deep in thought. Troilus! The prince of chivalry! CRESSIDA Scene 5 Peace, for shame, peace! There is a clap of thunder. Cressida notices it, but not the fact PANDARUS that Zeus has appeared, accompanied by Hermes. Mark him; note him. O brave Troilus! Look well upon him, niece: look you how his sword is bloodied, and ZEUS (Sighs.) I do wish we could travel more quietly. Who’s his helm more hacked than Hector's, and how he looks, this? and how he goes! O admirable youth! He ne'er saw three and twenty. Go thy way, Troilus, go thy way! HERMES Cressida. O admirable man! Paris? Paris is dirt to him. CRESSIDA ZEUS Fill me in. Here come more. More warriors pass by. HERMES She has an uncle, Pandarus –

PANDARUS ZEUS Pandar-us, Pandar… Sounds familiar. Asses, fools, dolts! Chaff and bran, chaff and bran! Porridge after meat! I could live and die i' the HERMES One day it will be. Are you following? eyes of Troilus. I had rather be such a man as Troilus than Agamemnon and all Greece. ZEUS Yes, go on. CRESSIDA There is among the Greeks Achilles, a better man than Troilus. HERMES Pandarus is a friend of Troilus, one of the Trojan PANDARUS princes. Achilles! A drayman, a porter, a very camel. CRESSIDA ZEUS Good. Well, well. PANDARUS HERMES Troilus has a huge thing for Cressida, so Pandarus 'Well, well!' Why, have you any discretion? Have is putting in a few good words on Troilus’s behalf. you any eyes? Do you know what a man is? You are such a woman! ZEUS But presumably her affections lie elsewhere. Enter Troilus's Boy Boy HERMES No. Why should you think that? Sir, my lord Troilus would instantly speak with you. PANDARUS ZEUS Because that’s the way these stories usually go. Where? Boy HERMES Ah, I see. No, in fact she secretly loves Troilus. At your own house; there he unarms him. PANDARUS ZEUS I feel a ‘but’ coming on. Good boy, tell him I come. Exit boy. HERMES But is unwilling to declare her love, fearing that he I doubt he be hurt. Fare ye well, good niece. will then take her for granted. CRESSIDA Adieu, uncle. ZEUS Sensible girl. 6 And 'tis this fever that keeps Troy on foot, Cressida nods, as though having made up her mind about Not her own sinews. To end a tale of length, something, and exits. Zeus follows her with his eyes. Troy in our weakness stands, not in her strength. NESTOR Pretty little thing. Most wisely hath Ulysses here discover'd The fever whereof all our power is sick. HERMES Not now. AGAMEMNON The nature of the sickness found, Ulysses, ZEUS What? What is the remedy?

HERMES Keep your mind on the job. ZEUS Here we go again.

ZEUS (Sighs.) Which is what exactly? ULYSSES The great Achilles, whom opinion crowns HERMES To sort out the war? Get them all to make peace or The sinew and the forehand of our host, something? Having his ear full of his airy fame, Grows dainty of his worth, and in his tent ZEUS Where do you suggest we start? Lies mocking our designs: with him Patroclus. NESTOR HERMES Let’s listen to what the Greeks have to say. And in the imitation of these twain - Who, as Ulysses says, opinion crowns ZEUS All right. But I’m warning you: I can only take so much With an imperial voice - many are infect. of that windbag Ulysses… And as for Agamemnon… Ajax is grown self-will'd, and bears his head In such a rein, in full as proud a place They remain in place as… As broad Achilles. ULYSSES They tax our policy, and call it cowardice. Scene 6 They call this “bed-work, mappery, closet-war”. [T&C, 1.3] Trumpets sound. Enter AGAMEMNON, NESTOR, ULYSSES, MENELAUS, AGAMEMNON HELENUS and others. There is a general babble of argument. What trumpet? Look, Menelaus. MENELAUS AGAMEMNON It is the Prince Aeneas from Troy. Princes! Is it matter new to us Enter AENEAS. That after seven months' siege yet Troy walls stand? AGAMEMNON ULYSSES What would you 'fore our tent? Agamemnon, AENEAS Thou great commander, nerve and bone of Greece, Is this great Agamemnon's tent, I pray you? Heart of our numbers, soul and only spirit. AGAMEMNON In whom the tempers and the minds of all Even this. Should be shut up, hear what Ulysses speaks. AENEAS May one, that is a herald and a prince, ZEUS See what I mean? How does his wife cope with him? Do a fair message to his kingly ears? AGAMEMNON HERMES Weaves a lot, I think. With surety. AENEAS AGAMEMNON How may Speak, prince of Ithaca. A stranger to those most imperial looks ULYSSES Know them from eyes of other mortals? Troy, yet upon its basis, had been down, And the great Hector's sword had lack'd a master, ZEUS He’s a cheeky boy, isn’t he? But for these instances. The specialty of rule hath been neglected. AGAMEMNON (Angrily.) How! ZEUS I feel a very long speech coming on. AENEAS Ay. Which is the high and mighty Agamemnon? ULYSSES AGAMEMNON The heavens themselves, the planets and this centre This Trojan scorns us; or the men of Troy Observe degree, priority and place, Are ceremonious courtiers. Office and custom, in all line of order. Take but degree away, untune that string, HERMES I think you’ll find it’s the former. And, hark, what discord follows! Sir, you of Troy, call you yourself AEneas? 7 AENEAS No, make a lottery; Ay, Greek, that is my name. And, by device, let blockish Ajax draw AGAMEMNON The lot to fight with Hector; among ourselves What's your affair I pray you? Give him allowance for the better man. AENEAS If the dull brainless Ajax come safe off, Sir, pardon; 'tis for Agamemnon's ears. We'll dress him up in voices: if he fail, AGAMEMNON Yet go we under our opinion still He hears naught privately that comes from Troy. That we have better men. But, hit or miss, AENEAS Our project's life this shape of sense assumes: Trumpet, blow loud, Ajax employ'd plucks down Achilles' plumes. Send thy brass voice through all these lazy tents; NESTOR And every Greek of mettle, let him know, Ulysses, What Troy means fairly shall be spoke aloud. Now I begin to relish thy advice; Trumpet sounds. And I will give a taste of it forthwith We have, great Agamemnon, here in Troy To Agamemnon. Go we to him straight. A prince call'd Hector - Priam is his father - Two curs shall tame each other: pride alone Who in this dull and long-continued truce Must spur the mastiffs on, as 'twere their bone. Is rusty grown: he bade me take a trumpet, And to this purpose speak. Kings, princes, lords! Exit ULYSSES and NESTOR. If there be one among the fair'st of Greece That holds his honour higher than his ease, Scene 7 That seeks his praise more than he fears his peril, ZEUS Clever. Is Achilles really such a pain? That knows his valour, and knows not his fear, To him this challenge. HERMES Oh, I think so. Hector, in view of Trojans and of Greeks, Shall make it good, or do his best to do it, Enter AJAX in a foul temper. He will to-morrow with his trumpet call Midway between your tents and walls of Troy. ZEUS Who’s this lump? If any come, Hector shall honour him. AGAMEMNON HERMES Ah. This is Ajax. Should be entertaining. This shall be told our warriors, Lord Aeneas. To our pavilion shall I lead you, sir. Achilles shall have word of this intent; Scene 8 So shall each lord of Greece, from tent to tent: [T&C, 2.1] Yourself shall feast with us before you go Enter Ajax in a foul mood. And find the welcome of a noble foe. Exeunt all but ULYSSES and NESTOR. AJAX ULYSSES Thersites! Thersites! Nestor! Enter Thersites. NESTOR What says Ulysses? Dog, canst thou not hear? (Beating him.) Feel, then! ULYSSES THERSITES I have a young conception in my brain; The plague of Greece upon thee, thou mongrel beef-witted Be you my time to bring it to some shape. lord! NESTOR AJAX What is't? Toadstool, learn me the proclamation. ULYSSES THERSITES This challenge that the gallant Hector sends, Thou art proclaimed a fool, I think. However it is spread in general name, AJAX Relates in purpose only to Achilles. Do not, porcupine, do not: my fingers itch. NESTOR THERSITES Yes, 'tis most meet. Whom may you else oppose, I would thou didst itch from head to foot and I had That can from Hector bring his honour off, the scratching of thee; I would make thee the If not Achilles? It will be supposed loathsomest scab in Greece. He that meets Hector issues from our choice AJAX And choice, being mutual act of all our souls, I say, the proclamation! Makes merit her election, of a man distill'd THERSITES Out of our virtues. Thou grumblest and railest every hour on Achilles, and thou ULYSSES art as full of envy at his greatness. But he would pun thee into Therefore 'tis meet Achilles meet not Hector. shivers with his fist, as a sailor breaks a biscuit. What glory our Achilles gets from Hector, AJAX Were he not proud, we all should share with him: You whoreson cur! But he already is too insolent. He beats him again. 8 THERSITES There's Ulysses and old Nestor, whose wit was mouldy Ay, do, do; thou sodden-witted lord! Thou hast no more brain ere your grandsires had nails on their toes, yoke you than I have in mine elbows. Thou art here but to thrash like draught-oxen and make you plough up the wars. Trojans. ACHILLES AJAX What, what? [Beating him.] You cur! THERSITES THERSITES Yes, good sooth. To, Achilles! To, Ajax! To! Ares’s idiot! AJAX Enter ACHILLES and PATROCLUS. I shall cut out your tongue. THERSITES ACHILLES 'Tis no matter! I shall speak as much sense as thou afterwards. Why, how now, Ajax! How now, Thersites! what's the matter, PATROCLUS man? No more words, Thersites; peace! THERSITES THERSITES You see him there, do you? I will hold my peace when Achilles' brach bids me, shall I? ACHILLES ACHILLES Ay; what's the matter? There's for you, Patroclus. THERSITES THERSITES Nay, look upon him. I will see you hanged, like clotpoles, ere I come ACHILLES any more to your tents: I will keep where there is So I do: what's the matter? wit stirring and leave the faction of fools. THERSITES Exit Thersites. Nay, but regard him well. PATROCLUS ACHILLES A good riddance. 'Well!' Why, I do so. ACHILLES THERSITES Marry, this, sir, is proclaim'd through all our host: This lord, Achilles, Ajax, who wears his wit in his belly and That Hector, by the fifth hour of the sun, his guts in his head, I'll tell you what I say of him. Will with a trumpet 'twixt our tents and Troy ACHILLES To-morrow morning call some knight to arms What? That hath a stomach; and such a one that dare THERSITES Maintain--I know not what: 'tis trash. Farewell. I say, this Ajax-- AJAX Ajax threatens to beat him again. Farewell. Who shall answer him? ACHILLES ACHILLES Nay, good Ajax. I know not: 'tis put to lottery; otherwise THERSITES He knew his man. Has not so much wit - AJAX ACHILLES (Slow to catch on. Then -) O, meaning you. I will go learn Nay, I must hold you. more of it. THERSITES Exeunt. As will stop the eye of Helen's needle, for whom he comes to fight. ZEUS Not very bright, is he - Ajax? ACHILLES Peace, fool! HERMES Not very, no. PATROCLUS Good words, Thersites. ZEUS What do you make of Achilles? ACHILLES What's the quarrel? HERMES Hard to say. AJAX I bade the vile owl go learn me the tenor of the ZEUS Try. proclamation, and he rails upon me. THERSITES HERMES (Brief pause.) Conceited, vain, narcissistic, I serve thee not. I serve here voluntarily. arrogant, egotistical, self-absorbed, ignoble, dishonorable, ACHILLES treacherous and generally not very nice. ’Tis not voluntary: no man is beaten voluntary. THERSITES ZEUS Not that hard to say, then. Where next? E'en so; a great deal of your wit, too, lies in your sinews, or else there be liars. Hector have a great HERMES There’s an assembly of the Greeks coming up. We catch, if he knock out either of your brains: a' ought to be there. were as good crack a fusty nut with no kernel. ACHILLES ZEUS I won’t have to listen to Ulysses, will I? What, with me too, Thersites? THERSITES HERMES Probably. 9 APOLLO Artemis will now back down. As they exit. ARTEMIS (Tiny voice.) I just meant… ZEUS I mean, what’s the point in being able to turn yourself into a swan, if you have to sit through… And didn’t anybody HERA Hunting, the moon and virginity, dear – those are your ever tell him that “Brevity is the soul of…”..? jobs. You are required to look pretty and carry a rather fetching bow. Blackout and huge thunderclap. When the lights come up… ATHENE I say we get down there and kick some Trojan ass.

Scene 9 HERA Thank you, Athene. Spoken like the goddess of An Assembly of the remaining Olympian gods is in progress: Wisdom. You and I will go together, I think. many are present, notable exceptions being Hermes and Zeus (visiting Troy), POSEIDON (at sea), HEPHAESTUS (under APOLLO You’re not going to want one of us men to come Mount Etna) and DEMETER and HESTIA (who always have with you. better things to do). On one side is the pro-Greek faction: HERA and ATHENE. On the other, the gods supporting the HERA No, thank you, Apollo. Trojans: ARES, APHRODITE, ARTEMIS and APOLLO. HEBE the cup-bearer moves gracefully around filling goblets APOLLO Oh… That wasn’t a question. Sorry. with nectar. HERA (As she exits with Athene.) Too damn clever by half, The scene opens amidst a general confused hubbub. that one…

APOLLO My sister Artemis will now speak. The pro-Trojan faction are clearly not happy.

ARTEMIS I just wanted to say that it’s been going on for APOLLO She’ll interfere, you know. seven years already. What’s the problem now? ARTEMIS Well, of course she will. You don’t need the gift of HERA My hus - prophecy to see that coming. It’s what our mother does best.

APOLLO (Talking over her.) My mother Hera will now reply. ARES So what’s our strategy?

HERA My husband is sticking his nose in – that’s the APOLLO Follow, I suppose. problem. Artemis, Ares and Apollo start to leave. ARES Assumed - ARTEMIS Yes… But at a safe distance. Come on, Aphrodite. APOLLO (Talking over him.) My cousin Ares, god of War, will now – Aphrodite has been buffing her nails and looks up to realize she is alone. She exits, calling after them. HERA (At the end of her tether.) Apollo, will you please stop predicting who is going to speak next – APHRODITE Where are we going..? (Sighs.) You three always do this… APOLLO And what – Exits. HERA And what they are going to say.

APOLLO Sorry. Scene 10 [T&C, 2.2] HERA Ares? Enter PRIAM, HECTOR, TROILUS, PARIS, and HELENUS ARES (His utterances are always in clipped, military style.) PRIAM Assumed Father was just having a recce. Fact-finding mission. After so many hours, lives, speeches spent, Thus once again says Nestor from the Greeks: HERA Zeus doesn’t do fact-finding missions. If he’s there, “Deliver Helen, and all damage else - he’s interfering. As honour, loss of time, travail, expense, Wounds, friends, and what else dear that is consumed ARTEMIS Thing is, mother, he is King of the gods. In hot digestion of this cormorant war - Shall be struck off.” Hector, what say you to't? Several intakes of breath followed by a terrified silence. HECTOR Though no man lesser fears the Greeks than I HERA (With ominous restraint.) I beg your pardon? Yet, dread Priam, let Helen go. Since the first sword was drawn about this question, 10 We have lost so many men of ours, To guard a thing not ours nor worth to us. ATHENE What is with that girl? What merit's in that reason which denies The yielding of her up? HERA Cassandra? Oh, one of Apollo’s little games. Gave her TROILUS the power of prophecy… Fie, fie, my brother! Weigh you the worth and honour of a king ATHENE But? So great as our dread father in a scale Of common ounces? HERA But cursed her so that nobody would ever believe a HELENUS word she said. (To Troilus.) No marvel, though you bite so sharp at reasons, You are so empty of them. ATHENE (Slight pause.) He really is a brat, isn’t he? TROILUS You are for dreams and slumbers, brother priest; The Trojans unfreeze. Nay, if we talk of reason, Let's shut our gates and sleep. HECTOR HECTOR Now, youthful Troilus, do not these high strains Brother, she is not worth what she doth cost Of divination in our sister work The holding. 'Tis mad idolatry Some touches of remorse? To make the service greater than the god. TROILUS TROILUS Why, brother Hector, It was thought meet We must not once deject the courage of our minds, Paris should do some vengeance on the Greeks: Because Cassandra's mad. Your breath of full consent bellied his sails. PARIS He brought a Grecian queen, whose youth and freshness And I attest the gods, your full consent Wrinkles Apollo's, and makes stale the morning. Gave wings to my propension and cut off Why keep we her? Why, she is a pearl, All fears attending on so dire a project. Whose price hath launch'd above a thousand ships, PRIAM And turn'd crown'd kings to merchants. Paris, you speak If you'll avouch 'twas wisdom Paris went - Like one besotted on your sweet delights: As you must needs, for you all cried 'Go, go!' - You have the honey still, but these the gall. Why do you now HECTOR Beggar the estimation which you prized Paris and Troilus, you have both said well. Richer than sea and land? O, theft most base, But nature craves That we have stol'n what we do fear to keep! All dues be render'd to their owners. Now, CASSANDRA What nearer debt in all humanity [Outside.] Cry, Trojans, cry! Than wife is to the husband? PRIAM If Helen then be wife to Sparta's king, What noise? What shriek is this? As it is known she is, these moral laws TROILUS Of nature and of nations speak aloud 'Tis our mad sister, I do know her voice. To have her back return'd. Thus to persist CASSANDRA In doing wrong extenuates not wrong, [Outside] Cry, Trojans! But makes it much more heavy. Hector's opinion HECTOR Is this in way of truth. It is Cassandra. Enter CASSANDRA, raving. A general cheer from all those in favor of returning Helen to the Greeks. She is followed in by Hera and Athene (both invisible). Yet ne'ertheless, CASSANDRA My spritely brethren, I propend to you Cry, Trojans, cry! Lend me ten thousand eyes, In resolution to keep Helen still. And I will fill them with prophetic tears. HECTOR A louder cheer from Troilus and Paris and others who support Peace, sister, peace! keeping her. CASSANDRA Cry, Trojans, cry! Practise your eyes with tears! For 'tis a cause that hath no mean dependance Troy must not be, nor goodly Ilion stand; Upon our joint and several dignities. Our firebrand brother, Paris, burns us all. TROILUS Cry, Trojans, cry! A Helen and a woe! Why, there you touch'd the life of our design: Cry, cry! Troy burns, or else let Helen go. She is a theme of honour and renown, Exit. A spur to valiant and magnanimous deeds. HECTOR The remaining Trojans freeze. 11 I am yours, To call upon him; he hopes it is no other You valiant offspring of great Priamus. But for your health and your digestion sake, I have a roisting challenge sent amongst And after-dinner's breath. The dun and factious nobles of the Greeks AGAMEMNON Will strike amazement to their drowsy spirits. Hear you, Patroclus: I was advertised their great general slept, We are too well acquainted with these answers: Whilst emulation in the army crept: Go and tell him, This, I presume, will wake him. We come to speak with him; and you shall not sin, Exeunt. If you do say we think him over-proud And under-honest. Go tell him this. ATHENE If the Trojans had sent Hector to Sparta instead of PATROCLUS that perma-tanned pretty-boy brother of his, they wouldn’t be I shall; and bring his answer presently. in this mess. Does Helen have any brain at all? Exit. AGAMEMNON HERA No. Just keeps mooning about the palace, apparently, In second voice we'll not be satisfied; crooning “I love Paris…”. We come to speak with him. Ulysses, enter you. ULYSSES enters Achilles’s tent. AJAX is offended. ATHENE And what’s AEneas up to, offering this challenge? AJAX What is Achilles more than another? HERA (Her mind on other matters.) And, more importantly, AGAMEMNON where’s my husband? No more than what he thinks he is. AJAX They exit as… Is he so much? Do you not think he thinks himself a better man than I am? Scene 11 AGAMEMNON [T&C, 2.3] No question. Enter ACHILLES and PATROCLUS. AJAX Others are heard approaching. Will you subscribe his thought, and say he is? AGAMEMNON PATROCLUS No, noble Ajax; you are as strong, as valiant, as wise, no less Look you, Achilles - who comes here? noble, much more gentle, and altogether more tractable. ACHILLES AJAX Patroclus, I'll speak with nobody. Why should a man be proud? How doth pride grow? I Exits into his tent. know not what pride is. AGAMEMNON Enter AGAMEMNON, ULYSSES, NESTOR, DIOMEDES, and Your mind is the clearer, Ajax, and your virtues the fairer. AJAX AJAX I do hate a proud man, as I hate the engendering of toads. AGAMEMNON NESTOR Where is Achilles, Patroclus? (Aside.) Yet he loves himself: is't not strange? PATROCLUS Re-enter ULYSSES. Within his tent; but ill disposed, my lord. AGAMEMNON ULYSSES Let it be known to him that we are here. Achilles will not to the field to-morrow. PATROCLUS AGAMEMNON I shall say so to him. What's his excuse? Exit. ULYSSES ULYSSES He doth rely on none. We saw him at the opening of his tent: AGAMEMNON He is not sick. Why will he not upon our fair request AJAX Untent his person and share the air with us? Yes, lion-sick, sick of proud heart: you may call it ULYSSES melancholy, if you will favour the man; but, by my Things small as nothing, for request's sake only, head, 'tis pride. He makes important. What should I say? ULYSSES He is so plaguy proud that the death-tokens of it Here comes Patroclus. Cry 'No recovery.' Re-enter PATROCLUS. AJAX NESTOR If I go to him, with my armed fist I'll pash him o'er the face. No Achilles with him. AGAMEMNON PATROCLUS O, no, you shall not go. Achilles bids me say, he is much sorry, AJAX If any thing more than your sport and pleasure An a' be proud with me, I'll pheeze his pride: Did move your greatness and this noble state Let me go to him. 12 ULYSSES PANDARUS Not for the worth that hangs upon our quarrel. Come, come, what need you blush? Shame's a baby. AJAX Here she is now: swear the oaths now to her that A paltry, insolent fellow! you have sworn to me. What, are you gone again? NESTOR Come your ways, come your ways; an you draw backward, (Aside.) How he describes himself! we'll put you in reins. Why do you not speak to AJAX her? If 'twere dark, you'ld close sooner. Can he not be sociable? So, so; rub on, and kiss the mistress. Go to, go to. ULYSSES TROILUS (Aside.) The raven chides blackness. You have bereft me of all words, lady. AJAX PANDARUS An all men were o' my mind - Words pay no debts, give her deeds! ULYSSES Come in, come in: I'll go get a fire. (Aside.) Wit would be out of fashion. Exit. DIOMEDES CRESSIDA Our noble general, Will you walk in, my lord? You must prepare to fight without Achilles. TROILUS ULYSSES O Cressida, how often have I wished me thus! There is no tarrying here. Please it our great general CRESSIDA To call together all his state of war; Wished, my lord! The gods grant – (Suddenly fearful.) O my Fresh kings are come to Troy: to-morrow lord! We must with all our main of power stand fast. TROILUS And (Pointing to Ajax.) here's a lord! Come knights from east What should they grant? What too curious dreg espies my to west, Ajax shall cope the best. sweet lady in the fountain of our love? AGAMEMNON CRESSIDA Go we to council. Let Achilles sleep: More dregs than water, if my fears have eyes. Light boats sail swift, though greater hulks draw deep. TROILUS Exeunt. O, let my lady apprehend no fear. Re-enter PANDARUS. [T&C, 3.1 - omitted] PANDARUS Scene 12 What, blushing still? Have you not done talking yet? [T&C, 3.2] CRESSIDA Well, uncle, what folly I commit, I dedicate to you. Enter PANDARUS and Troilus, meeting PANDARUS PANDARUS I thank you for that: if my lord get a boy of you, How now, how now! Have you seen my niece? you'll give him me. TROILUS CRESSIDA No, Pandarus: I stalk about her door, Boldness comes to me now, and brings me heart. Like a strange soul upon the Stygian banks Prince Troilus, I have loved you night and day Staying for waftage. O gentle Pandarus, For many weary months. From Cupid's shoulder pluck his painted wings TROILUS And fly with me to Cressid! Why was my Cressid then so hard to win? PANDARUS CRESSIDA Walk here i' the orchard, I'll bring her straight. Hard to seem won: but I was won, my lord, Exit With the first glance that ever - pardon me - TROILUS If I confess much, you will play the tyrant. I am giddy; expectation whirls me round. Why have I blabb'd? Who shall be true to us, The imaginary relish is so sweet When we are so unsecret to ourselves? That it enchants my sense: what will it be, But, though I loved you well, I woo'd you not; When that the watery palate tastes indeed And yet, good faith, I wish'd myself a man, Love's thrice repurèd nectar? Or that we women had men's privilege Re-enter PANDARUS. Of speaking first. Sweet, bid me hold my tongue, PANDARUS For in this rapture I shall surely speak She's making her ready, she'll come straight: you The thing I shall repent. Stop my mouth. must be witty now. She does so blush. I'll fetch her. TROILUS It is the prettiest villain: she fetches her breath as short as a And shall, albeit sweet music issues thence. new-ta'en sparrow. He kisses her. Exit. PANDARUS TROILUS Pretty, i' faith. Even such a passion doth embrace my bosom: CRESSIDA My heart beats thicker than a feverous pulse. My lord, I do beseech you, pardon me; Re-enter PANDARUS with CRESSIDA. 'Twas not my purpose, thus to beg a kiss: 13 I am ashamed. O heavens! what have I done? For this time will I take my leave, my lord. ZEUS What’s he doing with the Greeks? TROILUS Your leave, sweet Cressid! HERMES He defected when he foresaw that Troy was going PANDARUS to be destroyed. Hah! “Des-Troyed”. Did you see what I did Leave! An you take leave till to-morrow morning - there? (Getting a frosty look from Zeus.) Moving on. But ever CRESSIDA since he joined the Greeks, he’s been agitating to get his Pray you, content you. daughter over. TROILUS What offends you, lady? ZEUS His daughter. CRESSIDA Sir, mine own company. HERMES Cressida, yes. She’s still in Troy. TROILUS You cannot shun yourself. ZEUS Oh, that pretty one we saw earlier. Her uncle’s the CRESSIDA pandar. Let me go and try: Where is my wit? I know not what I speak. HERMES Well done! TROILUS Well know they what they speak that speak so wisely. ZEUS So this is her father… O, Cressida, I am as true as truth's simplicity And simpler than the infancy of truth. [T&C, 3.3] CRESSIDA Enter AGAMEMNON, ULYSSES, DIOMEDES, NESTOR, In that I'll war with you. AJAX, MENELAUS. If I be false, or swerve a hair from truth, CALCHAS approaches them. When time is old and hath forgot itself, CALCHAS When waterdrops have worn the stones of Troy, Now, princes, for the service I have done you, And blind oblivion swallow'd cities up, The advantage of the time prompts me aloud And mighty states characterless are grated To call for recompense. Appear it to your mind To dusty nothing, yet let memory, That, through the sight I bear in things to love, From false to false, among false maids in love, I have abandon'd Troy, left my possession, Upbraid my falsehood! When they've said “as false Incurr'd a traitor's name; As air, as water, wind, or sandy earth, And here, to do you service, am become Yea,” let them say, to stick the heart of falsehood, As new into the world, strange, unacquainted. “As false as Cressid.” I do beseech you, as in way of taste, PANDARUS To give me now a little benefit. Go to, a bargain made: seal it, seal it; I'll be the AGAMEMNON witness. Here I hold your hand, here my cousin's. What wouldst thou of us, Trojan? Make demand. If ever you prove false one to another, since I have CALCHAS taken such pains to bring you together, let all You have a Trojan prisoner, call'd Antenor, pitiful goers-between be called to the world's end Yesterday took. Troy holds him very dear. after my name; call them all Pandars; let all Oft have you - often have you thanks therefore - constant men be Troiluses, all false women Cressids, Desired my Cressid in right great exchange, and all brokers-between Pandars! Say, amen. Whom Troy hath still denied. But this Antenor, TROILUS I know, is such a key in their affairs Amen. That their negotiations all must slack, CRESSIDA Wanting his manage. And they will almost Amen. Give us a prince of blood, a son of Priam, PANDARUS In change for him. Let him be sent, great princes, Amen. Whereupon I will show you a chamber with a And he shall buy my daughter; and her presence bed; which bed, because it shall not speak of your Shall quite strike off all service I have done, pretty encounters, press it to death! Away! In most accepted pain. And Cupid grant all tongue-tied maidens here Brief discussion among the Greek leaders. Bed, chamber, Pandar to provide this gear! Exeunt. AGAMEMNON Let Diomedes bear him, And bring us Cressid hither. Calchas shall have Scene 13 What he requests of us. Good Diomed, Enter CALCHAS, nervously pacing. Then enter ZEUS and Furnish you fairly for this interchange. HERMES. Withal bring word if Hector will to-morrow Be answer'd in his challenge: Ajax is ready. ZEUS Who’s this? DIOMEDES This shall I undertake; and 'tis a burden HERMES Calchas. Trojan priest. Which I am proud to bear. 14 Exeunt DIOMEDES and CALCHAS. As they have often given. Here is Ulysses; I'll interrupt his reading. How now Ulysses! Enter ACHILLES and PATROCLUS, before their tent ULYSSES ULYSSES Now, great Thetis' son! Achilles stands i' the entrance of his tent: ACHILLES Please it our general to pass strangely by him, What are you reading? As if he were forgot; and, princes all, ULYSSES Lay negligent and loose regard upon him: A strange fellow here I will come last. 'Tis like he'll question me Writes me: “That man, how dearly ever parted, Why such unplausive eyes are bent on him. Cannot make boast to have that which he hath, AGAMEMNON Nor feels not what he owes, but by reflection.” We'll execute your purpose, and put on I was much wrapt in this; A form of strangeness as we pass along. And apprehended here immediately So do each lord, and either greet him not, The unknown Ajax. Or else disdainfully, which shall shake him more Heavens, what a man is there! A very horse, Than if not look'd on. I will lead the way. That has he knows not what. Now shall we see to-morrow - ACHILLES An act that very chance doth throw upon him - What, comes the general to speak with me? Ajax renown'd. O heavens, what some men do, You know my mind, I'll fight no more 'gainst Troy. While some men leave to do! AGAMEMNON To see these Grecian lords! Why, even already What says Achilles? Would he aught with us? They clap the lubber Ajax on the shoulder, NESTOR As if his foot were on brave Hector's breast Would you, my lord, aught with the general? And great Troy shrieking. ACHILLES ACHILLES No. I do believe it; for they pass'd by me NESTOR As misers do by beggars, neither gave to me Nothing, my lord. Good word nor look. What, are my deeds forgot? AGAMEMNON The better. ZEUS You’ve played right into his hands, Achilles. Here we Exeunt AGAMEMNON and NESTOR (privately chuckling). go…

ACHILLES ULYSSES Good day, good day. Time hath, my lord, a wallet at his back, MENELAUS Wherein he puts alms for oblivion, How do you? How do you? A great-sized monster of ingratitudes. Exit Those scraps are good deeds past; which are devour'd ACHILLES As fast as they are made, forgot as soon What, does the cuckold scorn me? As done. Perseverance, dear my lord, AJAX Keeps honour bright: to have done is to hang How now, Patroclus! Quite out of fashion, like a rusty mail ACHILLES In monumental mockery. Take the instant way; Good morrow, Ajax. For honour travels in a strait so narrow, AJAX Where one but goes abreast. Keep then the path; Ha? For emulation hath a thousand sons ACHILLES That one by one pursue: if you give way, Good morrow. Or hedge aside from the direct forthright, AJAX Like to an enter'd tide, they all rush by Ay, and good next day too. And leave you hindmost. O, let not virtue seek Exit Remuneration for the thing it was; For beauty, wit, high birth, desert in service, ACHILLES Love, friendship, charity, are subjects all What mean these fellows? Know they not Achilles? To envious and calumniating time. PATROCLUS The present eye praises the present object. They pass by strangely: they were used to bend Then marvel not, thou great and complete man, To send their smiles before them to Achilles; That all the Greeks begin to worship Ajax; To come as humbly as they used to creep Since things in motion sooner catch the eye To holy altars. Than what not stirs. The cry went once on thee, ACHILLES And still it might, and yet it may again, What, am I poor of late? If thou wouldst not entomb thyself alive Fortune and I are friends: I do enjoy And case thy reputation in thy tent. At ample point all that I did possess, Farewell, my lord: I as your lover speak; Save these men's looks; who do, methinks, find out The fool slides o'er the ice that you should break. Something not worth in me such rich beholding Exit 15 Let Patroclus make demands to me, you shall see the ZEUS I have to admit, that was rather good. pageant of Ajax.

HERMES Mmm. Long… but good. Patroclus practises what he will say – Thersites plays Ajax.

PATROCLUS PATROCLUS To this effect, Achilles, have I moved you. Jove bless great Ajax! I stand condemn'd for this; THERSITES They think my little stomach to the war Hum! And your great love to me restrains you thus. PATROCLUS Sweet, rouse yourself. I come from the worthy Achilles - ACHILLES THERSITES Shall Ajax fight with Hector? Ha! PATROCLUS PATROCLUS Ay, and perhaps receive much honour by him. Who most humbly desires you to invite Hector to his tent. ACHILLES THERSITES I see my reputation is at stake Hum! My fame is shrewdly gored. PATROCLUS PATROCLUS And to procure safe-conduct from Agamemnon. O, then, beware; THERSITES Those wounds heal ill that men do give themselves. Agamemnon! ACHILLES PATROCLUS Go call Thersites hither, sweet Patroclus: Ay, my lord. I'll send the fool to Ajax and desire him THERSITES To invite the Trojan lords after the combat Ha! To see us here unarm'd. I have a woman's longing, PATROCLUS An appetite that I am sick withal, What say you to't? To see great Hector in his weeds of peace, THERSITES To talk with him and to behold his visage, God b' wi' you, with all my heart. Even to my full of view. PATROCLUS Enter THERSITES. Your answer, sir. THERSITES A labour saved! If to-morrow be a fair day, by eleven o'clock it will go one way or other. THERSITES PATROCLUS A wonder! Your answer, sir. ACHILLES THERSITES What? Fare you well, with all my heart. THERSITES Ajax goes up and down the field, asking for himself. ACHILLES ACHILLES Why, but he is not in this tune, is he? How so? THERSITES THERSITES No, but he's out o' tune thus. What music will be in Why, he stalks up and down like a peacock. The man's undone him when Hector has knocked out his brains, I know forever; for if Hector break not his neck i' the combat, he'll not. break 't himself in vain-glory. He knows not me: I said 'Good ACHILLES morrow, Ajax;' and he replies 'Thanks, Agamemnon.' What Come, thou shalt bear a letter to him straight. think you of this man that takes me for the general? A plague THERSITES of opinion! A man may wear it on both sides, like a leather Let me bear another to his horse; for that's the more jerkin. capable creature. ACHILLES ACHILLES Thou must be my ambassador to him, Thersites. My mind is troubled, like a fountain stirr'd; THERSITES And I myself see not the bottom of it. Who, I? Why, he'll answer nobody. Exeunt ACHILLES and PATROCLUS. ACHILLES THERSITES To him, Patroclus; tell him I humbly desire the valiant Ajax to Would the fountain of your mind were clear again, invite the most valorous Hector to come unarmed to my tent, that I might water an ass at it! I had rather be a and to procure safe-conduct for his person of the tick in a sheep than such a valiant ignorance. magnanimous and most illustrious six-or-seven-times- Exit. honoured captain-general of the Grecian army, Agamemnon, et cetera. Do this. THERSITES Scene 14 Enter Iris, panting. 16

IRIS Most royal Zeus, Great Thunderer and bearer of the – They exit swiftly.

ZEUS Yes, yes, get on with it. Scene 15 [T&C, 4.1] IRIS (Shyly.) Oh, hello, Hermes. Enter, from one side, AENEAS; from the other, PARIS, HERMES (Pleased to see her.) Hello, Iris… That rainbow DEIPHOBUS, ANTENOR, DIOMEDES, and others. thing really suits you, you know… PARIS IRIS Thanks. Who comes here? DEIPHOBUS ZEUS When you two have quite finished! It is the Lord AEneas. DIOMEDES IRIS Sorry. I come with message from Phoebus Apollo. He Good morrow, Lord AEneas. bids you know your gracious Queen – PARIS A valiant Greek, AEneas, take his hand. ZEUS (Erupts.) I told you she’d get wind of it! She always AENEAS does. Go on. Health to you, valiant sir. DIOMEDES IRIS Has descended to Troy in company of Athene – Our bloods are now in calm; and, so long, health! But when contention and occasion meet, ZEUS Now there’s a trouble-maker – By Jove, I'll play the hunter for thy life With all my force, pursuit and policy. IRIS In order to support the Greeks in battle. AENEAS And thou shalt hunt a lion, that will fly ZEUS Why, why, why? With his face backward. In humane gentleness, Welcome to Troy! By Zeus's hand I swear, HERMES Well, it was that business of the Judgement of No man alive can love in such a sort Paris. The thing he means to kill more excellently. DIOMEDES ZEUS The what? We sympathize! Jove, let AEneas live, If to my sword his fate be not the glory, HERMES You know – when Hera, Athene and Aphrodite A thousand complete courses of the sun! staged a beauty contest and got Paris to judge it. But, in mine emulous honour, let him die, With every joint a wound, and that to-morrow! ZEUS What, Paris the Trojan prince? AENEAS We know each other well. HERMES There is but one Paris. DIOMEDES We do; and long to know each other worse. ZEUS And he of course chose Aphrodite. PARIS This is the most despiteful gentle greeting, Hermes merely smiles and shrugs. ‘Who wouldn’t?’ The noblest hateful love, that e'er I heard of. What business, lord, so early? Idiot! So now the whole of Troy is subject to the implacable AENEAS hatred of my dear wife and psychopathic daughter – I was sent for to the king; but why, I know not. PARIS HERMES Who just love the Greeks – His purpose meets you: 'twas to bring this Greek To Calchas' house, and there to render him, ZEUS And that’s what this war is all about! For the enfreed Antenor, the fair Cressid. My brother Troilus lodges there to-night: HERMES In a nutshell. Rouse him and give him note of our approach With the whole quality wherefore. I fear ZEUS (To Iris.) Where are the Trojans now? We shall be much unwelcome. AENEAS IRIS The last time I saw Paris – That I assure you: Troilus had rather Troy were borne to Greece ZEUS I didn’t ask for a song. Than Cressid borne from Troy. PARIS IRIS In the palace. There is no help; The bitter disposition of the time Will have it so. On, lord; we'll follow you. ZEUS We need to talk! AENEAS 17 Good morrow, all. CRESSIDA Exit with Servant. Night hath been too brief. Prithee, tarry. You men will never tarry. PARIS O foolish Cressid! I might have still held off, And tell me, noble Diomed, faith, tell me true, And then you would have tarried. Hark! Even in the soul of sound good-fellowship, There's one up. Who, in your thoughts, merits fair Helen best, TROILUS Myself or Menelaus? It is your uncle. DIOMEDES CRESSIDA Both alike: A pestilence on him! Now will he be mocking: He merits well to have her, that doth seek her, I shall have such a life! And you as well to keep her, that defend her. Enter PANDARUS. Both merits poised, each weighs nor less nor more; But he as he, the heavier for a whore. PANDARUS PARIS How now, how now! How go maidenheads? Here, you You are too bitter to your countrywoman. maid! Where's my cousin Cressid? DIOMEDES CRESSIDA She's bitter to her country. Hear me, Paris: Go hang yourself, you naughty mocking uncle! For every false drop in her bawdy veins You bring me to do, and then you flout me too. A Grecian's life hath sunk; for every scruple PANDARUS Of her contaminated carrion weight, To do what? To do what? Let her say what: what have I A Trojan hath been slain. Since she could speak, brought you to do? She hath not given so many good words breath CRESSIDA As for her Greeks and Trojans suffer'd death. (To Troilus.) Did not I tell you? PARIS Someone knocks at the front door. (Lost for an answer.) Here lies our way. Who's that at door? Good uncle, go and see. Exeunt. Exit Pandarus. My lord, come you again into my chamber: You smile and mock me, as if I meant naughtily. Scene 16 TROILUS laughs. Enter HERA, followed by ATHENE. Come, you are deceived, I think of no such thing. Knocking. HERA Where is he? How earnestly they knock! Pray you, come in: I would not for half Troy have you seen here. ATHENE With the Trojans – meddling. Exeunt TROILUS and CRESSIDA. Re-enter PANDARUS with AENEAS. HERA Come on. AENEAS Good morrow, lord, good morrow. ATHENE Where are we going? PANDARUS My Lord AEneas! What news with you so early? HERA To do some meddling of our own. AENEAS Is not Prince Troilus here? ATHENE (As they exit.) Do I get to kill anybody..? PANDARUS Here! What should he do here? Scene 17 AENEAS [T&C, 4.2] Come, he is here, my lord; do not deny him. It doth import him much to speak with me. Enter TROILUS and CRESSIDA PANDARUS TROILUS Is he here, say you? 'Tis more than I know, I'll Dear, trouble not yourself: the morn is cold. be sworn: for my own part, I came in late. CRESSIDA Re-enter TROILUS. Then, sweet my lord, I'll call mine uncle down; TROILUS He shall unbolt the gates. How now! What's the matter? TROILUS AENEAS Trouble him not; My lord, I scarce have leisure to salute you, To bed, to bed: sleep kill those pretty eyes! My matter is so rash. There is at hand CRESSIDA Paris your brother, and Deiphobus, Are you a-weary of me? The Grecian Diomed, and our Antenor TROILUS Deliver'd to us; and for him forthwith, O Cressida! But that the busy day, Ere the first sacrifice, within this hour, Waked by the lark, hath roused the ribald crows, We must give up to Diomedes' hand And dreaming night will hide our joys no longer, The Lady Cressida. I would not from thee. TROILUS 18 Is it so concluded? AENEAS Scene 18 By Priam and the general state of Troy. MUSIC. They are at hand and ready to effect it. Nine women stand grouped in a selection of comely but TROILUS strikingly artificial poses. They are the Muses and each one How my achievements mock me! carries a prop to signify her role – in addition to wearing an I will go meet them: and, my Lord AEneas, extremely helpful lapel badge. They are (with role, prop and We met by chance; you did not find me here. personality): AENEAS Good, good, my lord; the secrets of nature Calliope (epic poetry - writing tablet; very keen), Have not more gift in taciturnity. Clio (history – scroll; efficient), Exeunt TROILUS and AENEAS. Euterpe (lyric poetry - aulos, a Greek flute; a bit dreamy), PANDARUS Thalia (comedy and pastoral poetry - comic mask; cheerful), Is't possible? No sooner got but lost? The devil take Antenor! Melpomene (tragedy - tragic mask; gloomy), The young prince will go mad. A plague upon Antenor! Terpsichore (dance – lyre; dramatic), I would they had broke his neck! Erato (love poetry - cithara, a Greek type of lyre; sexy), Re-enter CRESSIDA. Polyhymnia (sacred poetry – veil; shy, sympathetic), and Urania (astronomy - globe and compass; a bit terse). CRESSIDA How now! What's the matter? Who was here? The music ends. Long silence. Until – PANDARUS Ah, ah! MELPOMENE Is this all we get to do? CRESSIDA Why sigh you so profoundly? Where's my lord? Gone! URANIA What did you expect? Some charmingly archaic Tell me, sweet uncle, what's the matter? choreography? A tap dance? PANDARUS Would I were as deep under the earth as I am above! MELPOMENE Just asking. CRESSIDA O the gods! What's the matter? Silence. PANDARUS Prithee, get thee in - would thou hadst ne'er been born! I knew It’s just that – thou wouldst be his death. O, poor gentleman! A plague upon Antenor! URANIA God, she’s off again. CRESSIDA Good uncle, I beseech you, on my knees! What's the matter? MELPOMENE I mean, what are we for? PANDARUS Thou must be gone, wench, thou must be gone. Thou URANIA We’re the Muses. art exchanged for Antenor: thou must to thy father, and be gone from Troilus. 'Twill be his death; 'twill be his bane; he MELPOMENE But we don’t actually do anything. cannot bear it. CRESSIDA CLIO That’s our job. O you immortal gods! I will not go. PANDARUS ERATO We look decorative. Thou must. CRESSIDA EUTERPE and TERPSICHORE We muuuuuse. I will not, uncle: I have forgot my father; I know no touch of consanguinity; MELPOMENE So we – what? Just decorate the place until No kin no love, no blood, no soul so near me some mortal needs inspiring? As the sweet Troilus. URANIA You have a better idea? MUSIC plays through the remainder of her speech. MELPOMENE It’s just that – O you gods divine! URANIA (Simultaneously: sarcastic echo.) “It’s just that” Make Cressid's name the very crown of falsehood, If ever she leave Troilus! MELPOMENE It’s just that, well, it’s not a career option for a Tear my bright hair and scratch my praisèd cheeks, young woman with drive, is it? Crack my clear voice with sobs and break my heart With sounding Troilus. I will not go from Troy. Pause. Exeunt. CLIO Could be worse. Could be a Grace. Music ends as… MELPOMENE A what? INTERMISSION 19 CLIO A Grace. One of the Three Graces. Standing around in a CALLIOPE I mean, did you think of serializing it? decorative little circle for all eternity. HOMER What? EUTERPE At least we get invoked. CALLIOPE Does it have a title yet? THALIA Yes, being invoked is nice. HOMER The Iliad. POLYHYMNIA I was invoked once. Pause. She takes his arm, as though helping an old man General sympathetic noises: ‘Aah, Bless!’, ‘Miskeena’ etc. across the street, and leads him offstage…

CLIO (‘Sensing’ something.) Hang on, there’s somebody CALLIOPE Let’s work on that, shall we..? getting through. As they exit, SYBIL enters and strikes a pose. There is a flurry as the Muses adjust their dresses and get back in formation. SYBIL It is great morning, and the hour prefix'd They wait. Of Cressida’s delivery to the valiant Greek Diomedes Comes fast upon. CALLIOPE Is it for me? She remains on stage, watching the action. URANIA Oh, be quiet, Calliope. Scene 19 An old man appears in a spotlight, carrying a scroll and [T&C, 4.3.] stylus. He strikes a heroic gesture and intones. Enter PARIS, TROILUS, AENEAS, DEIPHOBUS, ANTENOR, HOMER Sing, Muse of Epic Poetry! – and DIOMEDES

CALLIOPE It is for me! PARIS Good my brother Troilus, HOMER I, Homer, invoke you - Tell you the lady what she is to do, And haste her to the purpose. THALIA He’s invoking! It’s so nice when they invoke. TROILUS Walk into her house; HOMER - to sing of the rage of Achilles, I'll bring her to the Grecian presently: that murderous anger which condemned the And to his hand when I deliver her. Greeks to countless agonies and threw many Think it an altar, and thy brother Troilus warrior souls deep into Hades, leaving their A priest there offering to it his own heart. bodies carrion food for dogs and birds — Exit.

ERATO Boring! (She exits.) PARIS I know what 'tis to love; HOMER - all in fulfillment of the will of Zeus. And would, as I shall pity, I could help! Please you walk in, my lords. URANIA (Emits a bored sigh. To the others.) Come on. Exeunt.

All the others exit, leaving CALLIOPE on stage. SYBIL (To the audience.) This really isn’t going to end well, is it? HOMER Start at the point where Agamemnon, that king of men, quarreled with noble Achilles. Tell - She sighs and exits.

CALLIOPE (Joining Homer.) Are you sure you want to start Scene 20 there? [T&C, 4.4] Enter PANDARUS and CRESSIDA HOMER (Slightly bewildered.) What? PANDARUS Be moderate, be moderate. CALLIOPE I mean, it’s up to you, you’re the poet, this is just CRESSIDA a suggestion, having been (fluttery hands) invoked, but I think Why tell you me of moderation? you’ll find that, instead of telling everybody what’s going to The grief is fine, full, perfect, that I taste. happen, you could keep up the suspense by… My love admits no qualifying dross; No more my grief, in such a precious loss. HOMER But it’s not about suspense. It’s about – PANDARUS Here, here, here he comes. 20 Enter TROILUS. Hear while I speak it, love: Ah, sweet ducks! The Grecian youths are full of quality; CRESSIDA They're loving, well composed with gifts of nature - (Embracing him.) O Troilus! Troilus! CRESSIDA PANDARUS O heavens! you love me not! What a pair of spectacles is here! TROILUS Let me embrace too. How now, lambs? Die I a villain, then! TROILUS In this I do not call your faith in question Cressid, I love thee in so strain'd a purity, So mainly as my merit: but be not tempted. That the bless'd gods, as angry with my fancy, CRESSIDA More bright in zeal than the devotion which Do you think I will? Cold lips blow to their deities, take thee from me. TROILUS CRESSIDA No. And is it true that I must go from Troy? But something may be done that we will not: TROILUS And sometimes we are devils to ourselves - A hateful truth. AENEAS CRESSIDA [Outside.] Nay, good my lord - What, and from Troilus too? TROILUS TROILUS Come, kiss; and let us part. From Troy and Troilus. PARIS CRESSIDA [Outside.] Brother Troilus! Is it possible? TROILUS TROILUS Good brother, come you hither; And suddenly. And bring AEneas and the Grecian with you. We two, that with so many thousand sighs CRESSIDA Did buy each other, must poorly sell ourselves My lord, will you be true? With the rude brevity and discharge of one. TROILUS AENEAS Who, I? Alas, it is my vice, my fault. [Outside.] My lord, is the lady ready? Fear not my truth: the moral of my wit TROILUS Is 'plain and true;' there's all the reach of it. Hark! You are call'd. Enter AENEAS, PARIS, ANTENOR, DEIPHOBUS, and (To Pandarus.) Bid them have patience; she shall come anon. DIOMEDES. PANDARUS Where are my tears? Rain, to lay this wind, or Welcome, Sir Diomed! Here is the lady my heart will be blown up by the root. Which for Antenor we deliver you. Exit. At the port, lord, I'll give her to thy hand, CRESSIDA And by the way possess thee what she is. I must then to the Grecians? Entreat her fair; and, by my soul, fair Greek, TROILUS If e'er thou stand at mercy of my sword, No remedy. Name Cressida and thy life shall be as safe CRESSIDA As Priam is in Ilion. When shall we see again? DIOMEDES TROILUS Fair Lady Cressid, Hear me, my love: be thou but true of heart - So please you, save the thanks this prince expects. CRESSIDA The lustre in your eye, heaven in your cheek, I true! How now! What wicked deem is this? Pleads your fair usage; and to Diomed TROILUS You shall be mistress, and command him wholly. I speak not “be thou true” as fearing thee, TROILUS But, be thou true, and I will see thee. Grecian, thou dost not use me courteously, CRESSIDA To shame the zeal of my petition to thee O, you shall be exposed, my lord, to dangers In praising her. I tell thee, lord of Greece, As infinite as imminent! But I'll be true. She is as far high-soaring o'er thy praises TROILUS As thou unworthy to be call'd her servant. And I'll grow friend with danger. Wear this sleeve. I charge thee use her well, even for my charge; CRESSIDA For, by the dreadful Hades, if thou dost not, And you this glove. When shall I see you? Though the great bulk Achilles be thy guard, TROILUS I'll cut thy throat. I will corrupt the Grecian sentinels, DIOMEDES To give thee nightly visitation. But yet be true. O, be not moved, Prince Troilus: CRESSIDA Let me be privileged by my place and message, O heavens! 'be true' again! To be a speaker free. When I am hence TROILUS I'll answer to my lust. And know you, lord, I'll nothing do on charge. To her own worth 21 She shall be prized; but that you say 'be't so,' ULYSSES I'll speak it in my spirit and honour, 'no.' Yet is the kindness but particular; TROILUS 'Twere better she were kiss'd in general. Come, to the port. I'll tell thee, Diomed, NESTOR This brave shall oft make thee to hide thy head. And very courtly counsel: I'll begin. (Kisses her.) Lady, give me your hand, and, as we walk, So much for Nestor. To our own selves bend we our needful talk. ACHILLES Exeunt TROILUS, CRESSIDA, and DIOMEDES I'll take what winter from your lips, fair lady: A trumpet sounds. Achilles bids you welcome. (Kisses her.) PARIS MENELAUS Hark! Hector's trumpet. I had good argument for kissing once. AENEAS PATROCLUS How have we spent this morning! (Kisses her.) The first was Menelaus' kiss; this, mine: The prince must think me tardy and remiss, Patroclus kisses you. (Kisses her again.) That swore to ride before him to the field. MENELAUS PARIS O, this is trim! 'Tis Troilus' fault: come, come, to field with him. PATROCLUS DEIPHOBUS Paris and I kiss evermore for him. Let us make ready straight. MENELAUS AENEAS I'll have my kiss, sir. Lady, by your leave. Let us address to tend on Hector's heels. CRESSIDA The glory of our Troy doth this day lie In kissing, do you render or receive? On his fair worth and single chivalry. MENELAUS Exeunt. Both take and give. CRESSIDA Scene 21 The kiss you take is better than you give; [T&C, 4.5] Therefore no kiss. Enter AJAX, armed; AGAMEMNON, ACHILLES, The other Greeks laugh at Menelaus. PATROCLUS, MENELAUS, ULYSSES, NESTOR, and others DIOMEDES Lady, a word: I'll bring you to your father. AGAMEMNON Exit with CRESSIDA. Give with thy trumpet a loud note to Troy, Thou dreadful Ajax; that the appalled air NESTOR May pierce the head of the great combatant A woman of quick sense. And hale him hither. ULYSSES AJAX Fie, fie upon her! (To a Trumpeter.) Thou, trumpet, there's my purse. There's language in her eye, her cheek, her lip, Now crack thy lungs, and split thy brazen pipe: Nay, her foot speaks; her wanton spirits look out Blow, villain: At every joint and motive of her body. Come, stretch thy chest and let thy eyes spout blood; O, these encounterers, so glib of tongue, Thou blow'st for Hector. That give accosting welcome ere it comes, Trumpet sounds. And wide unclasp the tables of their thoughts To every ticklish reader! Set them down ULYSSES For sluttish spoils of opportunity No trumpet answers. And daughters of the game. ACHILLES Trumpet within. 'Tis but early days. AGAMEMNON NESTOR Is not yond Diomed, with Calchas' daughter? The Trojans' trumpet. ULYSSES AGAMEMNON 'Tis he, I ken the manner of his gait; Yonder comes the troop. He rises on the toe: that spirit of his Enter HECTOR, armed; AENEAS, TROILUS, and other In aspiration lifts him from the earth. Trojans, with Attendants. Enter DIOMEDES, with CRESSIDA. AENEAS AGAMEMNON Hail, all you state of Greece! Will you the knights Is this the Lady Cressid? Shall to the edge of all extremity DIOMEDES Pursue each other, or shall be divided Even she. By any voice or order of the field? AGAMEMNON Hector bade ask. Most dearly welcome to the Greeks, sweet lady. (Kisses her.) AGAMEMNON NESTOR Which way would Hector have it? Our general doth salute you with a kiss. AENEAS 22 He cares not; he'll obey conditions. I came to kill thee, cousin, and bear hence ACHILLES A great addition earnèd in thy death. 'Tis done like Hector. AENEAS AENEAS There is expectance here from both the sides, If not Achilles, sir, what is your name? What further you will do. ACHILLES HECTOR If not Achilles, nothing. We'll answer it; AENEAS The issue is embracement: Ajax, farewell. Therefore Achilles: but, whate'er, know this: AJAX This Ajax is half made of Hector's blood: If I might in entreaties find success - In love whereof, half Hector stays at home; As seld I have the chance - I would desire Half heart, half hand, half Hector comes to seek My famous cousin to our Grecian tents. This blended knight, half Trojan and half Greek. DIOMEDES AGAMEMNON 'Tis Agamemnon's wish, and great Achilles So be it; either to the uttermost, Doth long to see unarm'd the valiant Hector. Or else a breath: the combatants being kin HECTOR Half stints their strife before their strokes begin. AEneas, call my brother Troilus to me, Re-enter DIOMEDES as AJAX and HECTOR prepare to fight. And signify this loving interview To the expecters of our Trojan part. ULYSSES Desire them home. Give me thy hand, my cousin; They are opposed already. I will go eat with thee and see your knights. AGAMEMNON AJAX What Trojan is that same that looks so heavy? Great Agamemnon comes to meet us here. ULYSSES AGAMEMNON The youngest son of Priam, a true knight, Worthy of arms! Great Hector, welcome. Not yet mature, yet matchless, firm of word, HECTOR Not soon provoked nor being provoked soon calm'd; I thank thee, most imperious Agamemnon. Manly as Hector, but more dangerous; AGAMEMNON [To Troilus.] They call him Troilus. My well-famed lord of Troy, no less to you. Trumpet. Hector and Ajax fight. MENELAUS Let me confirm my princely brother's greeting: AGAMEMNON You brace of warlike brothers, welcome hither. They are in action. HECTOR [Aside, to Aeneas.] NESTOR Who must we answer? Now, Ajax, hold thine own! AENEAS [Aside, to Hector.] TROILUS The noble Menelaus. Hector, thou sleep'st! Awake thee! HECTOR AGAMEMNON O, you, my lord? By Ares’ gauntlet, thanks! There, Ajax! Your quondam wife swears still by Aphrodite’s' glove: DIOMEDES She's well, but bade me not commend her to you. You must no more. MENELAUS Trumpets end the fight. Name her not now, sir; she's a deadly theme. HECTOR AENEAS O, pardon; I offend. Princes, enough, so please you. NESTOR AJAX I knew thy grandsire, I am not warm yet; let us fight again. And once fought with him: he was a soldier good; DIOMEDES But, by great Ares, captain of us all, As Hector pleases. Never saw like thee. Let an old man embrace thee; HECTOR And, worthy warrior, welcome to our tents. Why, then will I no more. AENEAS [Aside, to Hector.] Thou art, great lord, my father's sister's son, 'Tis the old Nestor. and the just gods gainsay HECTOR That any drop thou borrow'dst from thy mother, Let me embrace thee, good old chronicle, My sacred aunt, should by my mortal sword That hast so long walk'd hand in hand with time. Be drain'd! Let me embrace thee, Ajax. ULYSSES By him that thunders, thou hast lusty arms; I wonder now how yonder city stands Hector would have them fall upon him thus: When we have here her base and pillar by us. Cousin, all honour to thee! HECTOR AJAX I know your favour, Lord Ulysses, well. I thank thee, Hector Ah, sir, there's many a Greek and Trojan dead, Thou art too gentle and too free a man. Since first I saw yourself and Diomed. ULYSSES 23 Sir, I foretold you then what would ensue: Dost thou entreat me, Hector? My prophecy is but half his journey yet; To-morrow do I meet thee, fell as death; For yonder walls, that pertly front your town, To-night all friends. Yond towers, whose wanton tops do buss the clouds, HECTOR Must kiss their own feet. Thy hand upon that match. HECTOR AGAMEMNON I must not believe you: First, all you peers of Greece, go to my tent. There they stand yet, and modestly I think, Beat loud the tabourines, let the trumpets blow, The fall of every Phrygian stone will cost That this great soldier may his welcome know. A drop of Grecian blood. The end crowns all, Exeunt all except TROILUS and ULYSSES. And that old common arbitrator, Time, TROILUS Will one day end it. My Lord Ulysses, tell me, I beseech you, ULYSSES In what place of the field doth Calchas keep? So to him we leave it. ULYSSES Most gentle and most valiant Hector, welcome: At Menelaus' tent, most princely Troilus: After the general, I beseech you next There Diomed doth feast with him to-night; To feast with me and see me at my tent. Who neither looks upon the heaven nor earth, ACHILLES But gives all gaze and bent of amorous view I shall forestall thee, Lord Ulysses, thou! On the fair Cressid. Now, Hector, I have fed mine eyes on thee; TROILUS I have with exact view perused thee, Hector, Shall sweet lord, be bound to you so much, And quoted joint by joint. After we part from Agamemnon's tent, HECTOR To bring me thither? Is this Achilles? ULYSSES ACHILLES You shall command me, sir. I am Achilles. As gentle tell me, of what honour was HECTOR This Cressida in Troy? Had she no lover there Stand fair, I pray thee: let me look on thee. That wails her absence? ACHILLES TROILUS Behold thy fill. O, sir, to such as boasting show their scars HECTOR A mock is due. Will you walk on, my lord? Nay, I have done already. She was beloved, she loved; she is, and doth: ACHILLES But still sweet love is food for fortune's tooth. Thou art too brief: I will the second time, Exeunt. As I would buy thee, view thee limb by limb. HECTOR Scene 22 Why dost thou so oppress me with thine eye? Enter three hags. They are the Fates: CLOTHO (spins the ACHILLES thread of life – the most upbeat of the three), LACHESIS (she Tell me, you heavens, in which part of his body measures out the thread – a dull job that has made her Shall I destroy him? Whether there, or there, or there? somewhat irritable) and ATROPOS (she cuts it off – the team That I may give the local wound a name leader). LACHESIS carries a huge cauldron, which she dumps And make distinct the very breach whereout centre stage, before intoning… Hector's great spirit flew: answer me, heavens! HECTOR LACHESIS When shall we three meet again? It would discredit the blest gods, proud man, In thunder, lightning or in - To answer such a question. Stand again. Think'st thou to catch my life so pleasantly ATROPOS Nooooo, I don’t think so. As to prenominate in nice conjecture Where thou wilt hit me dead? LACHESIS What? ACHILLES I tell thee, yea. ATROPOS We’re not that three. HECTOR Wert thou an oracle to tell me so, Pause. I'd not believe thee. Henceforth guard thee well; For I'll not kill thee there, nor there, nor there; LACHESIS What three are we then? But, by the forge that stithied Ares’ helm, I'll kill thee every where, yea, o'er and o'er. ATROPOS The Greek ones. I pray you, let us see you in the field: We have had pelting wars, since you refused LACHESIS You mean the ones with the spinning and stuff? The Grecians' cause. ATROPOS Yep. ACHILLES LACHESIS So we don’t need the cauldron. 24

ATROPOS Nope. ATROPOS That’s the best we can do.

LACHESIS Or the eye of newt. (Atropos shakes her head.) CLOTHO Sorry. Right. And no ‘Hubble, bubble, toil and trouble’ business either… (Pause.) We just spin. ATHENE Can’t you measure it? We do live in the age of rulers. Archimedes and all that! CLOTHO It’s spinning with a purpose, though, isn’t it? I mean, we’re the Fates. We don’t just spin for kicks. ATROPOS We’re not store assistants, Athene.

Enter ATHENE. She is not popular. ATHENE But you must have measured it before you cut it. That’s how you Fates work, isn’t it? ATROPOS Oh, hello again, Athene. What’s up this time? CLOTHO Sorry. ATHENE (Handing her a scroll.) From Hera. ATHENE (Gritted teeth.) Right. (Rolling up the scroll.) LACHESIS Not another one! ‘Pretty soon’ will have to do. Hera will not be happy.

ATHENE You’re busy? You have other things to do? And LACHESIS Can’t help that. what’s the cauldron for? ATROPOS We’re the Fates. CLOTHO Identity crisis. (Ditsy.) You know how it is. As Athene storms out. LACHESIS (To Atropos, who is reading the scroll.) Who is it? LACHESIS (Calling out.) Complain to Zeus.

ATROPOS Hector. (To Athene.) So Hera wants to know - ? ATROPOS (Checking that Athene has gone.) Well, that was fun. ATHENE How long he’s got, yes. Atropos and Lachesis giggle… Clotho has been sifting through a huge card index and has brought out a single card. But their merriment is cut off by Clotho, who has been rereading the thread. CLOTHO Hector? (Reading from the card.) Son of Priam? Prince of the House of Troy, Balwark of - CLOTHO Only a couple of days.

ATHENE Yes, yes. How many Hectors are there? LACHESIS What?

Clotho stretches out a strand of wool, attached to the card. CLOTHO Hector. (Handing over the card and pointing to the The other two gather round and all three examine it. thread.) He’s got a couple of days tops.

Well? When will he die? Hector enters and waits. The Fates, invisible to Hector, study him seriously for a moment. All three are still perusing the thread. ATROPOS Harsh. LACHESIS (Mumbles.) Can’t rush these things, you know. They exit with their paraphernalia, while Hector exits in They murmur to each other. another direction, as…

CLOTHO Hmmm… Scene 23 LACHESIS Would you say - ? [T&C, 5.1] ATROPOS Probably… CLOTHO Though there’s this… Enter TROILUS, AJAX, AGAMEMNON, ULYSSES, NESTOR, LACHESIS Ignore that. MENELAUS, THERSITES and DIOMEDES, with lights. They CLOTHO Right. join HECTOR. ATROPOS So it’s..? AGAMEMNON Pause. They all look up. We go wrong, we go wrong. AJAX TOGETHER Pretty soon. No, yonder 'tis - there, where we see the lights. HECTOR ATHENE (Erupts.) Pretty soon? What does that mean? Days? I trouble you. Months? Some time after breakfast? AJAX 25 No, not a whit. ULYSSES ULYSSES Here comes himself to guide you. Stand where the torch may not discover us. Re-enter ACHILLES. Enter CRESSIDA. TROILUS ACHILLES Cressid comes forth to him. Welcome, brave Hector; welcome, princes all. DIOMEDES AGAMEMNON How now, my charge! So now, fair prince of Troy, I bid good night. CRESSIDA Ajax commands the guard to tend on you. Now, my sweet guardian! Hark, a word with you. HECTOR Whispers. Thanks and good night to the Greeks' general. TROILUS MENELAUS Yea, so familiar! Good night, my lord. DIOMEDES HECTOR Will you remember? Good night, sweet lord Menelaus. CRESSIDA AGAMEMNON Remember! Yes. Good night. DIOMEDES Exeunt AGAMEMNON and MENELAUS. Nay, but do, then; And let your mind be coupled with your words. ACHILLES TROILUS Old Nestor tarries; and you too, Diomed, What should she remember? Keep Hector company an hour or two. ULYSSES DIOMEDES List. I cannot, lord; I have important business, CRESSIDA The tide whereof is now. Good night, great Hector. Sweet honey Greek, tempt me no more to folly. HECTOR THERSITES Give me your hand. Roguery! ULYSSES DIOMEDES [Aside to TROILUS.] Follow his torch; he goes to Nay, then - Calchas' tent. I'll keep you company. CRESSIDA TROILUS In faith, I cannot: what would you have me do? Sweet sir, you honour me. DIOMEDES HECTOR What did you swear you would bestow on me? And so, good night. CRESSIDA Exit DIOMEDES; ULYSSES and TROILUS following. I prithee, do not hold me to mine oath; Bid me do any thing but that, sweet Greek. ACHILLES DIOMEDES Come, come, enter my tent. Good night. Exeunt ACHILLES, HECTOR, AJAX, and NESTOR TROILUS Hold, patience! THERSITES ULYSSES That same Diomed's a false-hearted rogue, a most How now, Trojan! unjust knave. I will no more trust him when he leers CRESSIDA than I will a serpent when he hisses. They say he keeps a Diomed - Trojan drab, and uses the traitor Calchas' tent. I'll DIOMEDES after. Nothing but lechery! All incontinent varlets! No, no, good night: I'll be your fool no more. Exit. CRESSIDA Hark, one word in your ear. Scene 24 TROILUS [T&C, 5.2] O plague and madness! ULYSSES Enter DIOMEDES. You are moved, prince; let us depart, I pray you, DIOMEDES Lest your displeasure should enlarge itself What, are you up here? Speak. To wrathful terms. This place is dangerous; CALCHAS The time right deadly; I beseech you, go. [Inside.] Who calls? TROILUS DIOMEDES Behold, I pray you! Calchas, I think. Where's your daughter? ULYSSES CALCHAS You have not patience; come. [Inside.] She comes to you. TROILUS Enter TROILUS and ULYSSES, at a distance; after them, I pray you, stay; by hell and all hell's torments THERSITES. I will not speak a word! 26 DIOMEDES Now she sharpens: well said, whetstone! And so, good night. DIOMEDES CRESSIDA I shall have it. Nay, but you part in anger. CRESSIDA TROILUS What, this? Doth that grieve thee? O wither'd truth! DIOMEDES ULYSSES Ay, that. Why, how now, lord! CRESSIDA TROILUS O, all you gods! O pretty, pretty pledge! By Jove, I will be patient. Nay, do not snatch it from me; CRESSIDA He that takes that doth take my heart withal. Guardian! Why, Greek! DIOMEDES DIOMEDES I had your heart before, this follows it. Foh, foh! Adieu; you palter. TROILUS CRESSIDA I did swear patience. In faith, I do not: come hither once again. CRESSIDA TROILUS You shall not have it, Diomed; faith, you shall not; She strokes his cheek! I'll give you something else. ULYSSES DIOMEDES Come, come. I will have this: whose was it? TROILUS CRESSIDA Nay, stay; by Jove, I will not speak a word. It is no matter. THERSITES DIOMEDES How the devil Luxury, with his fat rump and Come, tell me whose it was. potato-finger, tickles these together! Fry, lechery, fry! CRESSIDA DIOMEDES 'Twas one's that loved me better than you will. But will you, then? But, now you have it, take it. CRESSIDA DIOMEDES In faith, I will, la; never trust me else. Whose was it? DIOMEDES CRESSIDA Give me some token for the surety of it. By Artemis’s waiting-women yond, CRESSIDA And by herself, I will not tell you whose. I'll fetch you one. DIOMEDES Exit. To-morrow will I wear it on my helm, And grieve his spirit that dares not challenge it. ULYSSES TROILUS You have sworn patience. Wert thou the devil, and worest it on thy horn, TROILUS It should be challenged. Fear me not, sweet lord; CRESSIDA I will not be myself, nor have cognition Well, well, 'tis done, 'tis past: and yet it is not; Of what I feel: I am all patience. I will not keep my word. Re-enter CRESSIDA. DIOMEDES Why, then, farewell; THERSITES Thou never shalt mock Diomed again. Now the pledge; now, now, now! CRESSIDA CRESSIDA You shall not go: one cannot speak a word, Here, Diomed, keep this sleeve. But it straight starts you. TROILUS DIOMEDES O beauty! Where is thy faith? I do not like this fooling. ULYSSES THERSITES My lord - Nor I, by Hades: but that that likes not you pleases me best. TROILUS DIOMEDES I will be patient; outwardly I will. What, shall I come? The hour? CRESSIDA CRESSIDA You look upon that sleeve; behold it well. Ay, come. O Jove! Do come - I shall be plagued. He loved me - O false wench! Give't me again. DIOMEDES DIOMEDES Farewell till then. Whose was't? CRESSIDA CRESSIDA Good night: I prithee, come. It is no matter, now I have't again. Exit DIOMEDES. I will not meet with you to-morrow night: Troilus, farewell! One eye yet looks on thee I prithee, Diomed, visit me no more. But with my heart the other eye doth see. THERSITES Exit. 27 THERSITES When was my lord so much ungently temper'd, A proof of strength she could not publish more, To stop his ears against admonishment? Unless she said ' My mind is now turn'd whore.' Unarm, unarm, and do not fight to-day. ULYSSES HECTOR All's done, my lord. You train me to offend you; get you in: TROILUS By all the everlasting gods, I'll go! It is. ANDROMACHE ULYSSES My dreams will, sure, prove ominous to the day. Why stay we, then? HECTOR TROILUS No more, I say. To make a recordation to my soul Enter CASSANDRA. Of every syllable that here was spoke. CASSANDRA Was Cressid here? Where is my brother Hector? ULYSSES ANDROMACHE I cannot conjure, Trojan. Here, sister; arm'd, and bloody in intent. TROILUS Consort with me in loud and dear petition, She was not, sure. for I have dream'd ULYSSES Of bloody turbulence, and this whole night Most sure she was. Cressid was here but now. Hath nothing been but shapes and forms of slaughter. TROILUS CASSANDRA This she? No, this is Diomed's Cressida: O, 'tis true. If beauty have a soul, this is not she; HECTOR If souls guide vows, if vows be sanctimonies, Be gone, I say: the gods have heard me swear. This is not she. This is, and is not, Cressid. CASSANDRA Cressid is mine, tied with the bonds of heaven: The gods are deaf to hot and peevish vows. Instance, O instance! strong as heaven itself; ANDROMACHE The bonds of heaven are slipp'd, dissolved, and loosed; O, be persuaded! And with another knot, CASSANDRA The fragments, scraps, the bits and greasy relics Unarm, sweet Hector. Of her o'er-eaten faith, are bound to Diomed. HECTOR O Cressid! O false Cressid! false, false, false! Hold you still, I say. Let all untruths stand by thy stained name, Enter TROILUS. And they'll seem glorious. How now, young man! mean'st thou to fight to-day? ULYSSES ANDROMACHE O, contain yourself Cassandra, call my father to persuade. Your passion draws ears hither. Exit CASSANDRA. Enter AENEAS. HECTOR AENEAS No, faith, young Troilus; doff thy harness, youth; I have been seeking you this hour, my lord: I am to-day i' the vein of chivalry: Hector, by this, is arming him in Troy; Let grow thy sinews till their knots be strong, Ajax, your guard, stays to conduct you home. And tempt not yet the brushes of the war. TROILUS Unarm thee, go, and doubt thou not, brave boy, Have with you, prince. My courteous lord, adieu. I'll stand to-day for thee and me and Troy. Farewell, revolted fair! And, Diomed, TROILUS Stand fast, and wear a castle on thy head! Brother, you have a vice of mercy in you, ULYSSES Which better fits a lion than a man. I'll bring you to the gates. HECTOR TROILUS What vice is that, good Troilus? Chide me for it. Accept distracted thanks. TROILUS Exeunt TROILUS, AENEAS, and ULYSSES. When many times the captive Grecian falls, THERSITES Even in the fan and wind of your fair sword, Would I could meet that rogue Diomed! I would You bid them rise, and live. croak like a raven; I would bode, I would bode. HECTOR Lechery, lechery; still, wars and lechery; nothing O,'tis fair play. else holds fashion: a burning devil take them! TROILUS Exit. Fool's play, by heaven, Hector. HECTOR Scene 25 How now! How now! [T&C, 5.3] TROILUS For the love of all the gods, Enter HECTOR and ANDROMACHE Let's leave the hermit pity with our mothers, ANDROMACHE And when we have our armours buckled on, The venom'd vengeance ride upon our swords. 28 HECTOR You are amazed, my liege, at her exclaim: Fie, savage, fie! Go in and cheer the town: we'll forth and fight, TROILUS Do deeds worth praise and tell you them at night. Hector, then 'tis wars. PRIAM HECTOR Farewell: the gods with safety stand about thee! Troilus, I would not have you fight to-day. Exeunt PRIAM and HECTOR in different directions. TROILUS Who should withhold me? Trumpets. Sound of battle. Not fate; Not Priamus and Hecuba on knees, TROILUS Not you, my brother, with your true sword drawn, They are at it, hark! Proud Diomed, believe, Opposed to hinder me, should stop my way, I come to lose my arm, or win my sleeve. But by my ruin. Enter PANDARUS. Re-enter CASSANDRA, with PRIAM. PANDARUS Do you hear, my lord? Do you hear? CASSANDRA TROILUS Lay hold upon him, Priam, hold him fast: What now? He is thy crutch; now if thou lose thy stay, PANDARUS Thou on him leaning, and all Troy on thee, Here's a letter come from yond poor girl. Fall all together. TROILUS PRIAM Let me read. Come, Hector, come, go back: PANDARUS Thy wife hath dream'd; thy mother hath had visions; (Coughing.) A whoreson tisick, a whoreson rascally tisick so Cassandra doth foresee; and I myself troubles me, and the foolish fortune of this girl; and what one Am like a prophet suddenly enrapt thing, what another, that I shall leave you one o' these days: To tell thee that this day is ominous: and I have a rheum in mine eyes too, and such an ache in my Therefore, come back. bones that, unless a man were cursed, I cannot tell what to HECTOR think on't. What says she there? AEneas is a-field; TROILUS And I do stand engaged to many Greeks, Words, words, mere words, no matter from the heart. Even in the faith of valour, to appear Tearing the letter. This morning to them. My love with words and errors still she feeds; PRIAM But edifies another with her deeds. Ay, but thou shalt not go. Exit Troilus. HECTOR PANDARUS I must not break my faith. Is this the generation of love? Hot blood, hot thoughts, and hot You know me dutiful; therefore, dear sir, deeds? Why, they are vipers. Is love a generation of vipers? Let me not shame respect; but give me leave Exit Pandarus. To take that course by your consent and voice, Which you do here forbid me, royal Priam. CASSANDRA Scene 26 O Priam, yield not to him! Enter Calliope - still striving keenly to improve Homer’s ANDROMACHE planned epic - and Homer, resisting as best he can. Do not, dear father. HECTOR HOMER I am not adding in a comedy sub-plot! Andromache, Upon the love you bear me, get you in. CALLIOPE Well, let’s revisit that. Exit ANDROMACHE. HOMER Or “give it a more cheerful ending”. CASSANDRA O, farewell, dear Hector! CALLIOPE Finishing with a funeral is such a bummer. Just Look, how thou diest! Look, how thy eye turns pale! saying. Look, how thy wounds do bleed at many vents! Hark, how Troy roars! How Hecuba cries out! HOMER (At the end of his patience.) All right, all right, How poor Andromache shrills her dolours forth! Calliope. Here’s a deal. And all cry, Hector! Hector's dead! O Hector! TROILUS CALLIOPE Terrific! Away! away! CASSANDRA HOMER I will (he plainly hates the word) “serialize” it into Farewell - yet, soft! Hector! Take my leave: twenty-four books. Thou dost thyself and all our Troy deceive. Exit. CALLIOPE Episodes, right. Each with a cliff-hanger. Like HECTOR “Who really killed Hector?” 29 CALLIOPE (As she exits.) Thanks for the invoking! HOMER (Battling against her inanity.) I will, as you put it, “ramp up the love interest”. HOMER It’s been real.

CALLIOPE (Visualizing it.) Paris and Helen; Hector and… Homer sighs heavily and turns to go, running into Thersites as Mrs Hector - he enters. They stare at each other.

HOMER (Nodding.) Achilles and Patroclus. Who are you?

CALLIOPE (Unconvinced.) Still not sure your public are THERSITES (Grins wickedly.) Your comedy sub-plot. ready for that one. HOMER (This is breaking-point.) Apollo give me strength! HOMER I will plan the sequel. Exits.

CALLIOPE Publishers love sequels! Scene 27 HOMER And I will remember that I am not writing for – Who [T&C, 5.4] did you say, again? Sound of battle.

CALLIOPE A bunch of crusty old scholars. THERSITES Now they are clapper-clawing one another; I'll go HOMER Indeed. look on. That dissembling abominable varlets Diomed, has got that same scurvy doting foolish young knave's CALLIOPE Homer, you won’t regret invoking me! sleeve of Troy there in his helm: I would fain see them meet. Soft! Here comes sleeve, and t'other. HOMER I will do all those things. (Raising a finger.) On Enter DIOMEDES, TROILUS following. condition! TROILUS CALLIOPE On condition what? Fly not; for shouldst thou take the river Styx, I would swim after. HOMER On condition I can keep in “all the fighty bits”, as DIOMEDES you call them - I do not fly. Have at thee! THERSITES CALLIOPE (“OK, but...”) Your choice. Hold thy whore, Grecian! Now for thy whore, Trojan! Now the sleeve, now the sleeve! HOMER And I am not required to change the title. Exeunt TROILUS and DIOMEDES, fighting. Enter HECTOR. CALLIOPE Just don’t reject Game of Trojans. HECTOR HOMER And on condition you will now go away and leave What art thou, Greek? Art thou for Hector's match? me. Art thou of blood and honour? THERSITES CALLIOPE But I’m your Muse. No, no, I am a rascal; a scurvy railing knave: a very filthy rogue. HOMER Calliope, for now your job as a Muse is over. I have HECTOR had more inspiration than I could possibly cope with in a I do believe thee: live. Exit. lifetime. THERSITES God-a-mercy, that thou wilt believe me; but a CALLIOPE (Charmingly unaware that it’s a criticism.) plague break thy neck for frightening me! What's You’re very sweet: we aim to please. OK. But promise you’ll become of the wenching rogues? I think they have get in touch when you need me for the sequel. swallowed one another: I would laugh at that miracle: yet, in a sort, lechery eats itself. I'll seek them. HOMER As if I could do it without you. Exit.

CALLIOPE Exotic locations next time, remember? And more More fighting – in which Hector kills Patroclus. women -

HOMER Off you go! Scene 28 [T&C, 5.5] CALLIOPE And a one-eyed monster or something. Enter AGAMEMNON and others.

HOMER (Under his breath.) As if. AGAMEMNON

30 Renew, renew! Polyxenes is slain, Enter ACHILLES, exhausted. Patroclus ta'en or slain. Haste we, Diomed, To reinforcement, or we perish all. ACHILLES Enter NESTOR. Now do I see thee, ha! Have at thee, Hector! HECTOR NESTOR Pause, if thou wilt. Go, bear Patroclus' body to Achilles; ACHILLES And bid the snail-paced Ajax arm for shame. I do disdain thy courtesy, proud Trojan: There is a thousand Hectors in the field. Be happy that my arms are out of use: And all our strawy Greeks, ripe for his edge, My rest and negligence befriends thee now, Fall down before him, like the mower's swath. But thou anon shalt hear of me again; Enter ULYSSES. Till when, go seek thy fortune. Exit. ULYSSES O, courage, courage, princes! Great Achilles HECTOR Is arming, weeping, cursing, vowing vengeance: Fare thee well: Patroclus' wounds have roused his drowsy blood, I would have been much more a fresher man, Together with his mangled Myrmidons, Had I expected thee. That noseless, handless, hack'd and chipp'd, come to him, Exit Hector. Crying on Hector. Ajax hath lost a friend Re-enter TROILUS and others. And foams at mouth, and he is arm'd and at it, Roaring for Troilus, who hath done to-day TROILUS Mad and fantastic execution. Ajax hath ta'en AEneas: shall it be? Enter AJAX. No, by the flame of yonder glorious heaven, He shall not carry him: I'll be ta'en too, AJAX Or bring him off: fate, hear me what I say! Troilus! Thou coward Troilus! I reck not though I end my life to-day. Exit. Exit. Enter ACHILLES.

ACHILLES Scene 30 Where is this Hector? [T&C, 5.7] Come, come, thou boy-queller, show thy face; Know what it is to meet Achilles angry: Enter ACHILLES, with Myrmidons. Hector? Where's Hector? I will none but Hector. ACHILLES Exit. Come here about me, you my Myrmidons; Mark what I say. Attend me where I wheel: Strike not a stroke, but keep yourselves in breath: Scene 29 And when I have the bloody Hector found, [T&C, 5.6] Empale him with your weapons round about; In fellest manner execute your aims. Enter AJAX Follow me, sirs, and my proceedings eye: AJAX It is decreed Hector the great must die. Troilus, thou coward Troilus, show thy head! Exeunt. Enter DIOMEDES. Enter MENELAUS and PARIS, fighting: then THERSITES.

DIOMEDES THERSITES Troilus, I say! Where's Troilus? The cuckold and the cuckold-maker are at it. Now, Enter TROILUS. bull! now, dog! TROILUS Exeunt PARIS and MENELAUS, fighting. O traitor Diomed! Turn thy false face, thou traitor, Enter MARGARELON. And pay thy life thou owest me! AJAX MARGARELON I'll fight with him alone: stand, Diomed. Turn, slave, and fight. DIOMEDES THERSITES He is my prize; I will not look on. What art thou? TROILUS MARGARELON Come, both you cogging Greeks; have at you both! A bastard son of Priam's. Exeunt, fighting. THERSITES Enter HECTOR. I am a bastard too; I love bastards: I am a bastard begot, bastard instructed, bastard in mind, bastard HECTOR in valour, in every thing illegitimate. One bear will Yea, Troilus? O, well fought, my youngest brother! not bite another, and wherefore should one bastard? 31 Farewell, bastard. Scene 32 Exit. [T&C, 5. 8] MARGARELON The devil take thee, coward! HECTOR Exit. Now is my day's work done; I'll take good breath: Rest, sword; thou hast thy fill of blood and death. Scene 31 Puts off his helmet and hangs his shield behind him HECTOR enters, exhausted, sits and drinks. Enter ACHILLES and Myrmidons. ACHILLES The FATES enter from one side, the MUSES from another. Look, Hector, how the sun begins to set; They all look at Hector. How ugly night comes breathing at his heels. Even with the vail and darking of the sun, MELPOMENE (To the Fates.) Isn’t there anything you can do To close the day up, Hector's life is done. about this? HECTOR I am unarm'd; forego this vantage, Greek. CLOTHO Really sorry. ACHILLES Strike, fellows, strike; this is the man I seek. ATROPOS It’s fated. HECTOR is killed. Now, Troy, sink down! POLYHYMNIA Well, it’s terribly unfair. Here lies thy heart, thy sinews, and thy bone. On, Myrmidons, and cry you all amain, URANIA All’s fair in love and war, Polyhymnia. 'Achilles hath the mighty Hector slain.' A retreat sounded. POLYHYMNIA Spare me the victors’ clichés, Urania. And Hark! A retire upon our Grecian part. anyway, it isn’t. MYRMIDON The Trojan trumpets sound the like, my lord. URANIA Isn’t what? ACHILLES The dragon wing of night o'erspreads the earth. POLYHYMNIA All fair. My half-supp'd sword, that frankly would have fed, Pleased with this dainty bait, thus goes to bed. ATROPOS No. Way too random. But, as I said, there’s Sheathes his sword. nothing we can do. (To the Muses generally.) It’s your Come, tie his body to my horse's tail; province now. Along the field I will the Trojan trail. Exeunt. LACHESIS Yes: inspire somebody to write about it. THALIA Tell me Achilles isn’t going to last long, Clotho. CALLIOPE Actually, I am seeing someone… CLOTHO He’ll die. THALIA She was invoked! THALIA When? CALLIOPE But he seems to want to give away the ending… CLOTHO As we say in the business… Pretty soon. CLIO Never a good move. They nod at each other and exit their different ways. CLOTHO (Ever upbeat.) What about a play? A play would be nice. Scene 33 MELPOMENE (Shakes her head.) Too grim for a play. Too [T&C, 5.9] much talking. Too much killing. Enter AGAMEMNON, AJAX, NESTOR, and others, marching. Distant shouts. THALIA A comic play! AGAMEMNON CLIO Hector dies and she wants a comedy. Hark! Hark! What shout is that? Enter MENELAUS. THALIA (Timidly.) A sort of comedy..? MENELAUS Pause. The bruit is, Hector's slain, and by Achilles. AJAX POLYHYMNIA I don’t think I want to watch this… If it be so, yet bragless let it be; Great Hector was a man as good as he. Led by POLYHYMNIA, the Fates and Muses disperse, all AGAMEMNON except THALIA, muse of Comedy and the Fate CLOTHO. March patiently along: let one be sent To pray Achilles see us at our tent. 32 If in his death the gods have us befriended, TROILUS Great Troy is ours, and our sharp wars are ended. You understand me not that tell me so: I do not speak of flight, of fear, of death, They exit, as… But dare all imminence that gods and men Address their dangers in. Hector is gone: Who shall tell Priam so, or Hecuba? Scene 34 Let him that will a screech-owl aye be call'd, Apollo enters, followed by Artemis, Ares and Aphrodite. Go in to Troy, and say there, Hector's dead: There is a word will Priam turn to stone; APOLLO Oh no, they’re not. Make wells and Niobes of the maids and wives, Cold statues of the youth, and, in a word, ARTEMIS Is that a prophecy or just wishful thinking? Scare Troy out of itself. But, march away: Hector is dead; there is no more to say. APOLLO You know me, sister. Exeunt AENEAS and Trojans. PANDARUS remains. PANDARUS ARTEMIS But they’ll win in the end, right? But Troilus - ! TROILUS (Throwing Pandarus roughly from him.) APOLLO The Greeks? Yes, I’m afraid so. Hence, broker-lackey! Ignomy and shame Pursue thy life, and live aye with thy name! ARTEMIS As Zeus wills? Exit. PANDARUS APOLLO As Hera wills. A goodly medicine for my aching bones! O world! World! World! Thus is the poor agent despised! APHRODITE And all because Paris chose me in that beauty O traitors and bawds, how earnestly are you set contest. Get over it! a-work, and how ill requited! Why should our endeavour be so loved and the performance so loathed? ARTEMIS Our mother doesn’t ‘get over’ anything. He turns to the audience. ARES Strategy? As many as be here of pander's hall, ARTEMIS Make things as hard for the Greeks as possible. Your eyes, half out, weep out at Pandar's fall; Ares? Or if you cannot weep, yet give some groans, Though not for me, yet for your aching bones. ARES Roger that. Hector might be out of the picture, but I Brethren and sisters of the hold-door trade, fancy the others to keep things going for a year or two. That Some two months hence my will shall here be made: Troilus could cause some tasty mayhem given the motivation. Till then I'll sweat and seek about for eases, And at that time bequeathe you my diseases. ARTEMIS Oh, I think he has the motivation… Exit.

They remain, watching, as… Scene 36

Scene 35 ARTEMIS Well, that was a downer. [T&C, 5.10] Enter AENEAS and Trojans, PANDARUS with them. APHRODITE What will become of Troilus? He’s cute.

AENEAS Aphrodite, Artemis and Ares turn to look at Apollo. He smiles Yet are we masters of the field! weakly and shrugs. Enter TROILUS. Oh. TROILUS Hector is slain. Clotho appears, holding a file-card to which a thread is ALL attached. Hector! The gods forbid! TROILUS CLOTHO A short life… But “Better to have loved and He's dead; and at the murderer's horse's tail, lost..”… (Shrugs.) You know… In beastly sort, dragg'd through the shameful field. Frown on, you heavens, effect your rage with speed! A great hubbub is heard offstage. Enter the remaining gods Sit, gods, upon your thrones, and smile at Troy! and the Muses, arguing. Behind them trails Sybil. Atropos and I say, at once let your brief plagues be mercy, Lachesis enter and stand by Clotho. And linger not our sure destructions on! AENEAS HERA Well, I have a right to know what’s going to happen. My lord, you do discomfort all the host! 33 ATHENE We all have a right to know. (Turning to Zeus.) Father? ARES What about Agamemnon?

ZEUS It’s complicated… APOLLO He gets home but comes to a very sticky end.

ATHENE Typical! (Turns to the Fates.) You three? ARTEMIS Best news I’ve heard in an age!

THE THREE FATES What? APOLLO Among other things, his wife Clytemnestra –

ATHENE You’re supposed to be in charge of lives, aren’t ZEUS (Clicks his fingers as he remembers.) Clytemnestra! you? Helen’s twin sister – right? My other cygnet - (Instantly corrects himself.) – Daughter! ATROPOS We just dictate the lengths, not the whys and wherefores. APOLLO Yes. She murders Agamemnon – in the bath.

HERA But you must at least know - HERMES A clean end, at least. (Hera frosts him.) Sorry. (Apologizing generally.) Sorry. APOLLO (Interrupting – loudly.) The Trojans lose – heavily. What else do you need to know? (More subdued.) Troilus and HERA (Turns to Apollo.) You haven’t told us about Helen. Paris die in battle, King Priam is slaughtered. The city is razed to the ground. Only Prince Aeneas escapes. APOLLO Ah, Helen. (He smiles and shakes his head ruefully.) HERA (Heavy irony.) I trust he has a happy future. ARTEMIS Torn to pieces by the Trojans, if they’ve any sense. APOLLO In a way. He goes on to found Rome. ARES More likely killed by her cuckold husband. THALIA Oh, that’s nice! Apollo’s hesitation is picked up by Athene. ATHENE Typically you haven’t said anything about the women. ATHENE I bet she gets away with it… (Apollo looks at her.) She does, doesn’t she? APOLLO Hecuba and Clytemnestra are both taken as slaves. APOLLO (Nods.) She returns to Sparta with Menelaus. ARES And the Greeks? (General reaction.) Yes. But not the most harmonious of marital relationships, I gather. APOLLO Well, they win – obviously… However - ARTEMIS Even so - ARTEMIS Oh, I’m liking ‘However’. ZEUS How many mortals died in this war? APOLLO Achilles dies, killed by Paris. Silence. ARES I thought he was invulnerable. URANIA Clio? APOLLO Yes… Something to do with a heel… CLIO More than any mortal could imagine. HERA The others? ARES And all for Helen. APOLLO Only Nestor and Diomedes have easy journeys home. ARTEMIS (Bitterly.) The face that launched a thousand ships.

ARTEMIS That’s nice for the old man, not so sure about the HERMES (To Artemis, approvingly.) That’s good! smoothie. From this point, an argument blows up. The lines of dialogue HERA Ulysses? Ajax? should overlap and get more and more heated.

APOLLO Ajax dies at sea, having gone mad, poor chap. ATHENE If we’re assigning blame, I don’t see why Paris should get off scot-free. HERA What? ARES Classic feminist: blame the man! APOLLO Long story. As for Ulysses, the tale of his journey home to his faithful Penelope is worth an epic in itself. HERA He was a fool.

CALLIOPE I’ve already had a word with my little poet man. APOLLO And who set him up? Aphrodite! 34

APHRODITE Sorry – What? From here on, her utterances are increasingly manic. They are interspersed with – and overlapped by - soundtrack clips ATHENE He made a bad choice. from Shakespeare films and newsreel war reportage.

APOLLO What would have been a good choice? SYBIL When the hurly-burly's done, ARTEMIS And anyway, if you three women hadn’t been When the battle's lost and won. bickering over that stupid apple - OLIVIER (recording from Henry V) HERA, ATHENE It wasn’t stupid! Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more; APHRODITE It wasn’t stupid! Sorry – What wasn’t? Or close the wall up with our English dead!

HERA I blame Eris, she gave it to us. NEWS REPORT (VIETNAM) “US jets were striking North Vietnam…” ARTEMIS (Heavy sarcasm.) Oh, yes – very clever to take a https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l1Img_ApVUU gift from the goddess of Discord! ORSON WELLES (recording from Chimes at Midnight) Together: Is there not wars? Is there not employment? ATHENE It’s easy for you - HERA We didn’t know – From here on there is a continuous soundtrack of battle noises from different historical periods. It gets louder and louder. ARTEMIS Well that’s always the problem, isn’t it? SYBIL Everyone wades in. The noise of disputation increases to an He is come to open unbearable level until - The purple testament of bleeding war!

ZEUS (Thunderous – possibly amplified.) Silence!.. NEWS REPORT (THE BLITZ) (Subdued.) I’m tired. Go, all of you. “Preceded by a shower of flares, German bombers raid…” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=clKxrDza1d8 The gods, Fates and Muses disperse silently. Only Hermes remains with Zeus, though the small figure of Sybil can be BRANAGH (recording from Henry V) seen huddling at Hermes’ feet. Zeus sighs heavily. Take heed how you awake our sleeping sword of war…

Not our finest hour, all things considered. SYBIL Sound trumpets! Let our bloody colors wave! Zeus rises and looks around, depressed. And either victory, or else a grave!

Who will mortals blame for all this, Hermes, when they no MICHAEL WILLIAMS (recording from BRANAGH’S longer believe in the gods? Henry V) There are few die well that die in a battle. HERMES As the man said, we’ll always have Paris. NEWS REPORT (IRAQ, 2003) Sybil jerks into life. “The attack on Iraq has begun…” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LmDyO1ChS3c SYBIL (from 35 seconds) Like or find fault; do as your pleasures are. Now good or bad, 'tis but the chance of war. Add in here a news report of any current conflict.

ZEUS What did she say? By this time, the recordings are creating a frightening cacophony. Sybil screams the final line. HERMES I don’t know. Sounds like a repeat. Sometimes she gets interference. SYBIL Cry "Havoc", and let slip the dogs of war! ZEUS Should we take note? Hermes gently touches Sybil’s shoulder and there is HERMES (Shakes his head.) Hardly worth the effort. (Pause.) immediate silence. You go. I’ll look after her. Recovering instantly, she resumes news-reader mode. Zeus nods and exits wearily. Hermes sits and watches Sybil. There is a sudden discordant noise and she suddenly squeezes …And patchy fog across the plains of Ilium which should her eyes shut and clutches her head with both hands as though disperse by midday. (Slight pause.) In other news, King Priam in pain. of Troy has ordered that a huge wooden horse, left behind 35 after the sudden and unforeseen departure of the Greek fleet, should be dragged inside the city walls and dedicated to the goddess Athene. Despite vociferous opposition to the plan from Trojan military advisers, sections of the ancient walls are now being dismantled in preparation for the horse’s ceremonial entry into the city. Speaking from the palace, King Priam said, “Thanks to All-Seeing Zeus, the ten-year siege is ended and victory is ours.” (MUSIC starts to fade up.) In the financial markets, there was a sharp fall on the Asia Minor 100 Index this morning after…

Her voice is drowned by music as, behind her, the walls of Troy crack open and the lights dim to black.

THE END.