Only Fools & Horses "The Glue That Holds Us Together" by James Klonowski [email protected] FADE IN: INT. TROTTER'S FLAT. LOUNGE - MORNING The flat is filled with an array of their latest dodgy deals. A stack of games consoles labelled rejects. Water-coloured paintings which have been water damaged. And boxes of "Trotter Glue". Laying on the sofa playing some ultra-violent video game is DAMIEN. The volume is rather deafening. DEL enters, yawning, wearing such a vibrant colour of yellow dressing gown that it could be used to paint signs in a tunnel. DEL. Gordon Bennett, Damien! I can't hear myself think with that bleeding thing on. Turn it down or turn it bloody off! DAMIEN. Sorry, dad. I'm on the last level, I won't be much longer. DEL. Very well. What you doing up so early anyway? It's only half past six. We don't usually see you before noon. DAMIEN. Well actually, I ain't been to bed. This game is too good. DEL. You've gotta stop that, Damien. It ain't normal to be up all night. DAMIEN. Uncle Rodney said you were always up all night when you were young. DEL. Yes, but I was out pulling birds. DAMIEN. So, you got any tips for me to pull the chicks then? DEL. Of course I do, what do you take me for? First rule is never buy the first drink, that could get messy. Secondly, never get lumbered with the fat bird. RAQUEL O.O.S. Oh really? 2. Del spins around to see RAQUEL standing in the doorway. DEL. Good morning, sweetheart. Would you like a cup of tea? RAQUEL. Never mind that, Trotter. I don't want you giving Damien bad advice. DEL. No I wasn't. All I meant was he shouldn't be up all night playing those ridiculous video games, that's all. (off Raquel's look) Okay, I'll stop sharing my years of wisdom with him. RAQUEL. That would be a good start. Now we're up we might as well get on with things. DEL. Yeah, you're right love. Those dishes won't wash themselves. RAQUEL. I was actually talking about setting a date to renew our wedding vows. DEL. Ah, of course. Still can't believe it's been eleven years since I made an honest woman of you. RAQUEL. That's because it's been fourteen. DEL. (lying) I knew that. (then) I'll go put the kettle on. He exits to the kitchen. RAQUEL. Can I rely on you today, Derek? DEL. (O.O.S) I just gotta pop down the Nag's Head to complete a deal, then I'm all yours, sweetheart. 3. RAQUEL. Good, because I thought we'd go into town and get everything sorted. DEL. (O.O.S) Sounds good to me, love. I just need to meet with a business associate first. Got a feeling this Trotter Glue is gonna be the making of us. RAQUEL. Del, how on earth is that gonna happen? The bottles are glued bloody shut! DEL. (O.O.S) That just goes to show how powerful the stuff is. He re-enters from the kitchen carrying two mugs of tea. RAQUEL. (taking a cup) Thanks. (then) Have you heard from Rodney? DEL. Hardly, it's only six bloody thirty. RAQUEL. I meant lately. Cassandra said he's been acting weird. DEL. It's Rodney, if he wasn't acting weird there'd be a problem. RAQUEL. Well try and talk to him, Del. See if you can find out what's going on. DEL. I give up with him, I really do. I've been looking after him all his life, it's about time he stood on his own two feet for once. RAQUEL. You don't mean that. He's your brother and always will be. You can't deny that, Del. He looks up to you like a father. And if something's bothering him, it's (MORE) 4. RAQUEL. (cont'd) only you he's going to tell. So get dressed and go talk to him. DEL. Maybe it's for the best that he starts to stand on his own two feet. Stop relying on me. I mean, I ain't gonna be around forever. RAQUEL. You're going to speak to him and that's the end of it, Derek. Now stop acting like a child and go get changed. DEL. Maybe you should stop worrying about Rodney and start worrying about our eighteen-year-old son staying up all night, every night. RAQUEL. Damien's twenty five. DEL. Is he? When did that happen? (then) Anyway, I'm too busy to speak to that plonker today. I've got very important business deals to seal. RAQUEL. Oh will you stop with your business deals, Derek! It's because of your business deals that we have debts up to our eyeballs, and why you've squandered a life changing amount of money.... Twice! DEL. (insulted) First of all, it wasn't my fault the stock market crashed. And second of all, I haven't squandered anything. I invested Uncle Albert's money in this glue, which will make us millionaires. You just gotta have a little faith and patience, sweetheart. RAQUEL. And you've gotta start living in the real world, Del. All this wheeling and dealing don't work, haven't you realised that yet? 5. DEL. Now that hurts, Raquel. Everything we've had, have and ever likely to have has come from my wheeling and dealing and business foresight. RAQUEL. Fantastic. I'm glad someone's owned up. DEL. And what exactly is that supposed to mean? RAQUEL. Look around, Del. What do we have exactly? We live in this poxy flat surrounded by over two hundred neighbours and thirty floors from the ground! The TV's on the blink, the sofa has more springs in it than Zebedee, and every time the door knocks we have to switch everything off in case it's the bailiffs! DEL. And you're welcome for all that. Then the TV suddenly blows up. DAMIEN. Nooooo! I was nearly finished! God, I hate this place! He storms off into his bedroom, slamming the door behind him. As he does so, a painting falls off the wall and smashes on the floor. Raquel stares at Del. DEL. What? INT. RODNEY & CASSANDRA'S FLAT. KITCHEN - SHORT TIME LATER RODNEY, in his pjs, is childishly opening and slamming shut the cupboard doors, presumably looking for some breakfast. CASSANDRA enters, looking tired and highly unamused. CASSANDRA. (sarcastic) Could you try and make some more noise, Rodney? I think there's someone in Cardiff who you haven't quite woken up yet. RODNEY. Why ain't there ever anything decent to eat in this place? 6. CASSANDRA. You're acting like a big kid again. What the hell's wrong with you? RODNEY. Nothing's the matter with me. I just want some breakfast, is that too much to ask? (then) I'm fed up of all this. I mean, what's it all about, eh? CASSANDRA. Right, that's it, Rodney. Come on, start talking to me. Lately, you've been like Mrs. Maguire's newsagents on the corner - you never open up. I'm your wife, if you can't tell me what's bothering you, then who can you tell? RODNEY. Oh, I don't know. I'm just tired of things never working out, that's all. When is our luck gonna change, eh? When is something good gonna happen to us? CASSANDRA. What you on about, Rodney? We both have good jobs, and we have a beautiful daughter. If that doesn't make you happy, then what will? RODNEY. It's got nothing to do with Joan. I think the world of her, you know I do. I'd do anything for her, but that's the problem ain't it? CASSANDRA. And what problem is that exactly? Rodney, you're an amazing dad. And husband, when you're not acting like a baby who's lost his dummy. RODNEY. Oh, I can't do this, Cassandra. I'm going down the cafe for some decent grub... And company! He exits, leaving Cassandra standing there alone with her thoughts. Moments later, Rodney re-enters. RODNEY. I just gotta get changed first. 7. INT. CAFE - LATER Rodney walks into the cafe, sees Del seated at a table with a briefcase by his side, turns and goes to leave. DEL. Oi, Rodders, over here! Come on, I got a bacon sarnie with your name on it. Rodney thinks this over. On the hand one, he doesn't want to speak to Del, but on the other, he is bloody starving! He decides to let his stomach do the talking and sits with Del. DEL. There you go, you know it makes sense. Here, get this down you. Del hands Rodney the sandwich. Rodney doesn't need to be asked twice, as he begins to wolf the entire thing down in a matter of seconds. DEL. Bloody hell Rodney, slow down. RODNEY. Sorry Del, but I'm starving. I ain't had a decent meal in days. DEL. You still ain't. That thing is full of grease, fat, and God knows what else. RODNEY. Well, it tastes good to me. After a brief pause, Del speaks up... DEL. So, what's been going on then, bruv? You can tell me. RODNEY. There's nothing wrong with me, alright?! I'm just a little stressed, that's all.