- hao Jad 1y e pact of tCe old age crpples f SrU what is to Coue walnin9 p333 The Bath 331 Sddtan, pain halfuy ol on Ipmelines 5, bat V SihYlo hgt naFue. then with her nightclothes on a of inside the coal oven GRAe dherself: warming page newspaper FoCo dand her across the chair to be on the instant agin naure unfoqMng dressing-gown put she,stePPELAror the r bath, she undressed and pausing first to get her breath and clinging tightly to the slippery Inovtabjluhy yetiowstamed ripi that now seemed more like the edge of a cliff with a deep drop Vs 3rd pedon indreA st perz0A etow into the sea. slowly and painfily.she elimbed into the bath. > Paraa 3 ej6u0ble CoTtufPle-put on my nightie the instant I gét out.she thoughtThe instant she got outut C o eing kiluc indeeiShe knew it woul beP9S. than a matter of instants yet she tried to think of it araid Epeienct univesa Erehig n 3Xdbjel mly, w+Thoutdread eling herself that when the time came she would be very old laoy gaureyp esnt SHheyne o deat ccareful, step by step. her oorvnY taking the process surprising bad back and shoulderand The Bath powerless wrists intoRErtoning feats they mightusuallyrebelagihat, bür the key to anonyuySug9 lOS er (1983) controlling them would he thesuwprisel the soy _tealing up on them. With care, with iSolahoM VulneUbl, no na thought Dgr Janet Frame Sitting upright, not daring ea hack orie down, she soaped herself, ore mundaey N zealOn washing away hody the dirt of the past fortnight, seeing with satisfaction how it drifted escapnemou about on the_water sga sE as a sign that she was clean again. Then when her washing was completed she found a eauwha h cut flowers- daffodils, a few herself looking for excuses not to try yet to climb out. Those old woman's finger nails. On Friday afternoon she(bough) anemones, twigs of a of red-leaved shrub, wrapped in mauve waxed paper, for Saturday was the seventeenth siw ce cracked and dry, where germs could lodge, would need to be scrubbed again: the skin

membr anniversary of her husband's death and shepanned to visit his grave as she did each (rin of her heels. too. growing so hard that her feet might have been turning to stone: behind disge Smaher ears where a thread of dirt lay in the rim: after all, she did not often havethe luxury year, to weed it and put fresh flowers in the O jam jars standing one on each side of oR tsis the tombstone. Her visit this year occupied her thoúghts more than usugl,She had1 h Sca of a bath. did she? How warm i yas She drowsed a moment. If only she could fall bougnt the tlowers t9 force herself to make the journey that(each vear became 0 dRArS asleep then wake to(find hersel) ih her nightdress in(bed o he night! Slowly she beat rie hazardous,) from the walk to the bus stop, the change of buses at the Octagon. to the rewashed her body, and whenshe knew she could no longerdeceiveherselfintoused oe she was not clean she biterness of the winds blowing from the open sea across almost unsheltered rows of thinking relutantly replaced the soap, brush and flannel in the7n conrol tombstones; and the at the side of the bath, as she tiredness that overcame her when twaS time to return home nee groove feeling loosened her grip on them that al strength she longed to find a place beside the gravesin, the soft grass, and fall asleep.us lor19 and support were ebbing from her. Quickly she seized the nai-IHs agaybut its magic That evening she filled the coal buckeStoked the lire Her had been used and was gone; it would not adopt the róle she tried to urge upon it. The and arduous. her movementsere sOW e back - and shbulder gave her so much ea soapvere to to being borne to and - pain.She eeKeaner c n flannel to,and the frailflotsan) cling in the hope of bacon set her knife and fork op theteatowe] she used ds safety. a 2 9debris3t eperilods the volume of the atablecloth urned uP,cop She was polished red radio to listen to and ale alone/now. For a few moments she sat swilling.he, water against her skin tea, washed her theWeather(Report the(Ngws, e her dishes, then sat drows1ng in the waiting as a of out the plug2anap hara waler rocking chair by the fire. swmpo perhaps meahs buoying p her courage Then' feaólutely she pthed or the to get hot enough for a, to the and to satteeling the tide swirl and serape at erskip gnd lesh, trying to draw herdown. to bath.Visits cemetery, the doctof. 2r relatives, stày. into the earth; then the was in a and always demanded a bath,, When she was Ie dowp bathwater gone soaPY gurgle she was naked Chougn (and sure that theW o and and had not her_lea had been_digeated) kitchen the shivering yet made the attempt to to ahe venturedTrom-the through cOld getput of he Datandty- xposee passageway the colder bathroom. She How slippery the surface had become! clean it with of the air then (paused)in the doorway to get In futuré Sheguld.not she walked used ne c kerosene, she use slowly, each the would the paste cleaner that, left pn bath, and feeling with step painnber bat aCto overhight. gave the enamel rough the though she knew that she was patches that could be gripped with the skin. gradually in her HiaP dio to wrench on losing the power CLoesn rwp managed the stiff nad She leaned forward, shoulder. She the rim of How coldand hot taps bath feeling the pain in her back and grasped water. wasteful. and half-filthe w w the bath but her nage sbe thought.that With the fingersslitheredfromit almóst at one. She would not panic, she told month of frost, and kítchen fire always burning deaH2 past the water almost durinE herself: get out. always hot, getting in and out of a batn she would try gradually, carefully to Agan sheaned tervard again her re wceX2ieDecome such an_effort that it was not possible to bath every night nor even everya grip lookened as if iron handa had delibetidly uneurled hefetened blucinger ronf thei tia 9h wula Love ro but she'is trembling hold. (Her heart began to beat faster, her breath came Hore quickly, her mouthE PAnic She fouhda big towel, laid it forced (luae) s was ready over a Jho dry She moistened her lips.EIsbout for she thought, chair, arranged the chair so 1ould help, no one will hear me. No SurnoaHmp Sheordountssy ais9 she uta the world will hear t 4had last ume bathed she would have rescu Jenknco one in me No one)will knowT m in the some way of Aqa Speee bath andcan get Out loone,i~dallo"firsers utle an nesPAL 9ehhance rhe, Su930shhonpanc and oer d al3 PusSm disranha distance ,mm al9 losin, erh aothe 332 Stories of Ourselves easy The Bath no cold water of the wash- She could hear the drip-drip of the tap now over her arms and foree She listened. only guardiad legs. them to do as she how heart, as if it were under had wantedlyhen basin, and a corresponding whisperand gurgle ot her beating Fasily and dutifully they walked, moved and water. All else was(silenty Whëre were the people. the traffic? Then she had a strange grasped.(n the old days.Theywere the E It had been her that enemy now. body showedtreachery whep sht ried to get out of a over the evol. she ever wanted to bath If - feeling of being under the earth. of throbbing in her head like wheels going Cugainst the bath. again how strange if Seeméd! she would have earth above her. Lotsosilance lcungugt of SiPpinaAa hu to human being to her to and Keuria own ask another help guard control her own body. Was this so stemlyhat shuhave fno nonsenseJtb3EadJsly.otsCg fearful) she wondered. Even if it were not. it seemd so. rmenbal he she told herself chair dnd StTegH tried to get out of the bath. She had forgottenthe strong solid the(gr She aceasing She thought of the frost slowlythardening putside on the fences. roófs. windows and couldget on it. If she made the efont quicky she cnuld first take hold of both sides oe. doubrsrets. She thought again of the terro bletoescape from the bath She a etha wNenkSS the then transfer her hold to the chair and thus pull herself out. bocu bath. pull herself up. (Qck remembered her dead husband and the fowers he had bought to put en his grave She tried to do this; she just failed to make now. gasping for Then thinking again of the a nos,brcath,ire she sank back into the bath. She began o thecal, finaloyt effort.but as shePale had predictedherensscale Cono trosyts whiters.hite Tike a new batly anemones darbat>' the of John she 'in and daffodils and twigsof the red-leayedhrub, dead seventeen years, Aure was no answer. No one had heard her/io one 'the houses gthe syeetor Dundiineleh. fell asleep while outside. within two hours the frost began to melt with the warmth of ope Sympaor the world knew that she wasmpusongdonelinessveledn h Johnwerearphasi so a sudden wind blowing from the north, and the night grew warm, like Springyight, and da here, she thought, if we were shafing our old age, helping each othergh ould nevernun in the morning the light came early. the sky was pale blue, the same warm wind as an P have happened. She made another effort to get out. Again she fáiled. Fàintness eono gentle as a mere breath, was blowing. and a narcissus had burst its båd in the front Overcoming her she closed her eyes, trying to rest theR.tecpyernEANd tring again andaou failing. she panicked and begbegan toryand/strikehe sides of the bath"itmade ahollo is gardegh aSis wild ? O wAd hsastbeat Gchion iaFe cce hu rawel sound like a drum-beat. ow iAo In all her of the she had never t Ma Then she stopped striking with her fists; she struggled again to getouf. and for over) years visiting cemetery kiownthe wind somild) On an a arm of the to the winds from two stretches of sea, the paadhalf an hour she stayed alternately strugglingland Testig until, a last she did succeedin peninsula exposed cemetery hadN & calm always been a place to crouch shivering in overcoat and scarf while the flowers were climbing out and making herescape unto the kichen. Sh thought. I'll never take another Rep SK Cold ba 99e" set on the grave and the narrow garden cleared of weeds. Today, everything was bath in this house or or nyyhere. I never Wan to seehat bath again This is the end "s d ditterent. After all the frosts of the past month there was not a trace of chill in the air. ota the beginning of it. In fudi uR Whave tocome to atend me Subitting, ah am The mildness and warmth were to be believed. The sea to the scarcely lay. violet-coloured-snu. that will be first humilation beothersyandothers e fear hush-hushing. turming and heaving, not breaking into foamy waves; it was one(sinuousolo In bed at last she lay that ii exhusted and lonelythinking perhaps might be better ripple from shore to horizon and its sound was the muted sound of distant forests of Jerg cawalkina Or hertO die at once. The slow progression of difficulties was a kind of tortureThere were heshoes) that had to be made specially in a special shape or she could not walk. peace. Jump AnLo Picking up the rusted garden fork that she knew lay always in the grass of the next There were the times she had to in a Ski call neighbour to fetch a pot of jam from the top shelf of her grave, long neglected. she set to work to clear away the tyitsndohs weeds, cupboard when it had been only a year ag9.that she berself had made the jam and put it on the shelf. Sometimesa niece áme to fill the coal-bucket or mow the exposing the first bunch of dark blue primroses with yellow Tentresfclmp of autumn lawn. lilies. and the inches the week there was the - ShootS Six high. df daffodils. Then removing green-shmeU jam, Every washing to be hung on the line this required i sh Special technique for she could not raise her arms without at the same time finding some jars from their grooves on each sideof,the tombston she walked sowly.(stift rom her b k support in the dizziness that overcame her. She remembered with a sense of the world crouching. to the ever-dripping tapat Me End of thelaW path Wiere, filling the jars with pa namowing and pebbles and was shJRtled them ungnddewA 2LLlean thSRoÍ slime. Then growing darker.ike a tunnei the incredulous almost despising look on face of her niece when in thetA she ran the an balancíng them caretully one in answer to the comment anuhay phm.ShA dos Sparkling ice-told water into the jafs es -How each hand she to where she shook the anemones, beautiful the clouds are in Dunedin! These walked back the grave daffodils, red clouds (big billowing whiie and grey leaves from their waxed paper and dividing them put half in EA,atin theh_ don't you think, Auntie? interactios wu humans diial She had said, her at the The dark blue of the anemones swelled with a sea-colour as disappointment misery of things putting a in ner their heads reste) agaist )J voice, sharpness the red leaves. The daffodils were short-stemmed with big delicate fuavahoa. rageedkater than iacious never look at the(ouds) fous on èrku Camnoaron trumpets - the type for blowing: and their scent was strong. 9 Finally, remembering the winds that raged from the sea she stuffed small pieces of qccompiS She wondered how it was Peas pessimis long ago since she had 'to look at the without with been/able up sky COfed of each so the not be reeling dizziness. Now she did notdare look up, There/was the screwed-up waxed paper into the top jar ewerswould attend to down and around the cracks enough to d Carried away by the wind. Then with a feeling of satisfactfon look after my frusra. frost ice and(hollowsjin the is not cracked or blown over. the and and the in the footpath, the patches of es. after seventeen The tombstone , e potholes roads; the and nusbandS grave years. now, alter all the approaching cars and motorcycles; s she began to outside menaces, the has not sunk into a pool of clay.I look after my husband grave c inner menace of her own body. She had to be garden pexa la uncurtainhy. independenue in prrjer ama im KDE pesm conr f her am ody o Shck in uccessfulIhe(etoud ) 334 Stories of Ourselves

walk away. between the rows of graves. noting which were and were not cared tor Her father and mother had been buried here She stood now before their grave. it was a roomy grave made in the days when there was space for the dead and for the dead

With money, like her parents, extra space should they need it. Their tombstone was elaborate though the writing was now faded: in death they kept the, elbeoraRAgn odmi the their life. There were no flowers on the grave, only the/feathervsea 2rss soR of the and the touch, it with gold in the_sun., There was no sound but the sound sea one row offirtree on the brow of4he hill. She felt the peace inside her: the nightmare SENSES of the evening before seemed far away. seemed not to have happened: the senselet

terifying struggle to get out of a bathL9SiccomplishShe did to She sat on the concrete edge of her parents' grave. not want go home. ero around her and the She feltSontent to sit here quietly, wjth the warm soft wind flowing ' the.a rising o mingle yiih the. sighing of the firs and the whisper of the thin otgoid(sighyáf gra SHe ateia tor hmon h time and fhe Toretfiought that had made WOYn her parents grave so much biggerPosiH thanre im&4 thebihers near by. Her husband, cremated, had been allowed only a narrow eighteen inches by two feet, room only for the flecked grey Cocwd tombstone In Memory of My Husband John Edward Harraway died August 6th 1948,7 and the narrow garden of spring flowers, whereas her parents grave was so wIde, and he its concrete wall was a foot high; it was, in death, the equivalent of a quarter-acre world. when world was section before there were too many people in the Why the , Owider and wider was there no space left? Llace in hhe wvllimlttd ardoieod. Or was the world narrower? possimiSm! oloubk, Cmfusion She did mot know: she could not think:shekgney only thaths id YDHNä3 on Ancuaho anymóre buses.yen home, shewanted to sit(hereon. the edge of ihe_grave Hever catching dCul Senkne to reach from the crossingStteets, walking on icyfootpaths, turning nrattresses, trying jam eveydy ire top shelf of the cupboard, filling coal buckets, getting in and out of the bath. Only to get u in one somewhere and stay in; to get out and stay out; to stay now, always, place. vewnein Ten minutes later she was waiting at the bus stop; anxiously studying the destinationbe of each bus as it passed, clutching her money since concession tickets were not deai when she home. allowed in the weekend, thinking of the cup of tea she would make got - of her nephew in busy of iver and bacon whoolatiT ne the school CaoP hristchurch who was coming with-his wife 'and children for holidays, of herund CaoP 'bises tooted, ahina niece in the home expecting her thirdbaby Cars and surged by, horns the sea, in hap near and far, near and far, children,çried out,dogs barked: SaMnds plane droned, foam. veA competition, made a harshersound asjf its wavesWere no breaking in she shut her eyes, trying to a ror a momEpt, confusedafterthe peaceof the cemetery, Only pedCe w.bright with spring flowers. and her|oa Araborecapture the image of lierhusbapd'sgrave in roÑm should andnatr a parents grave, wide, spacious. with the degd desir jit tg, turn and sigh move in dreams as if the two slept together in a big soft(grasy double-bedcansovA J to the of peace. She saw only her_husbandsgraxn She waitea trying capture image was made narrower, 'the spring garden whittled to a thin strip; then il wanished and she s /SXC left with the image of the bathroom, of the narrow confining/bath (Arass-yellowao baths are, not frosL-white,(Waiting.) vaitingfor one,moment dfnattention, weakness deeqo pain, to claim|herorever.atn mevtaihyy ee"u wp Supencath' ng, (os9 hihaun inos SStais tonis had epehh6, aad CoMol pah