2003 /

2nd EUROPEAN TOUR DIARY

Germany Austria France Belgium England Ireland

“WEEK BEFORE 2ND BIRTHDAY. thereby force him to finish work DADDY WAS PAINTING LIVING RM. on my 1965 Chevy Muscle car, GENE’S FAVORITE T.V. SHOW WAS when I’m approached by her. ON. YEAH MICKEY!” OXBOW Her: 5’4”. 250 pounds. Wearing So let’s start this out ass first. a t-shirt and tights. An absolute Like we like our stories. Like we fucking serenade in duotone. like our fucks. Like we like every- thing we hate: we mean we’d “Would you like to buy some- rather watch it like it was leaving thing, sir?” more than we’d like to see it the other way around and so it is And my jetlag remedy, which that I’m sitting in my driveway in I now know to not work, of the fucking green hornet green staying up all night the night cop car-Ford LTD that was Greg before, passing out in the rear Davis’ way of buying me off of aisle of the plane, and staggering my forestated plan to hire mob- through the California bus sys- underling Ricky Citizen to break tem on the way home, has me at least one of his hands and watching her carefully. I mean she’s real, right? This isn’t an “Is it used?” Because I’m in absolute misery after Oxbow show halluciginational and here I go trundling down attack is it? Or maybe she’s just hit- “Oh, no, sir.” the total road to gayness by ting on me? referencing Apocalypse Now! I “Then forget it.” mean I always thought it a bit “Like what?” naÔf when Rollins did it. Always Welcome Back to California!!! felt that it was a bit like writing “Well maybe something nice for Zofo on your pants. Or like air your lady.” guitaring to “SCHOOL’S OUT” at THE FESTIVALS OF FUCK or HOW WE quitting time for your minimum- And she’s doing that homeless/ TOURED ON AN EVIL HEAT BEYOND wage fuck you job. crazy grab and scrabble through ANY SENSIBLE PERSONS ABILITY TO a grime-encrusted plastic bag of DO SO, STAND IT, OR UNDERSTAND HOWEVER, I was just listening to unknown origin, make and model IT. the soundtrack (I know, I KNOW before finally extracting this clear it IS pathetic) and having an in- bottle thingie with a blue spray tip Now where the fuck was I? credible moment of John Milius- on it. itis during Willard’s speechÖ Oh yes: Fuck Jeff Wilson. “Like a disposable douche?” WHEN I WAS THERE I WANTED I mean I LIKE Jeff Wilson, but TO BE HERE. AND WHEN I WAS And this is the part that I wanted since my every thought turns to HERE I WANTED TO BE THERE. to get to. The part when I look suicide, EXACTLY like they did at in her eyes as clearly and with the conclusion of the last tour Jesus. Truer words were never as great an intensity as I’ve ever I feel compelled to forestall his spoken Now I’m not even going looked into any lover’s eyes to see highly sensible, existential riposte to venture down that road of buried deep inside the narcotic about how my so-called prob- comparing touring to Vietnam ooze and rumble of insanity a sly lems are really just “so-called” like it’s all that fucking tough to eye and smile that seems to indi- and have no bearing or weight tour but it IS disorienting and cate in the “real” world where can- even at this writing I don’t know cer is a killer, disintegration is the date, the day, the time, and 1) she’s laughing at me inevitable and hearts are crushed just barely the month. This is not 2) she’s laughing WITH me EVERYDAY. hard. I mean this is not the hard 3) she’s a total fucking lunatic part. Not being used to being either way Fuck you, Jeff. here is the tough part and so these days I’m spending these The generic band arriving in and generalized feeling of well days doing a lot of sitting on the town is the CAUSE. being I’d have to pay for when edge of my bed, staring at my the magic juice stopped. feet and waiting for my dog to The grand glee and jubilation is die and am in abject, teenage the EFFECTÖ.however not being And like all good things it DID, misery. cut from the same cloth as Philip Stop that is. The Magic Juice. Michael Thomas who was once Gone. Done. Done for. Fin. WHY? quoted as saying “I AM CHRIST- MAS,” we come to understand, With overriding feelings of joyful WHY? usually the hard way, that WE rage and merriment replaced ARE NOT THE EFFECT. with gun-barrel fellating sorrows. For the same goddamned reason that I was LAST time. WE ARE NOT CHRISTMAS. And so it goes: joyful rage. Mer- riment. Suicidal. Gun-sucking. 1) NO SEX AND DRUGS FOR IAN! WE ARE NOT JUBILATION. 2) GAS STATIONS But see now I’ve given the god- 3) GROCERY STORES We, however, ARE damned ending away. Shit. 4) TRAFFIC JAMS and 5) POVERTY 1) delusional Well let’s flip the ass to the back 2) ego-maniacal and start in on happier moreÖ- The sandpaper of modern living. 3) and for some measure of time carefree times. Times when the totally convinced of our divine wine poured, when the sluts See, as the touring Demiurge we status and bearing. were hot and thick, and the float across continent and pro- fistfights were lusty and I slept vide a framework whereby the I mean what I’m saying is that under the cross-cutting influence “NATIVES” can get a glimpse of it’s like taking steroids. of every single pill I gobbled, something/someplace that is not having long since forgotten what THAT place and as messengers of Now the first time I took steroids they were and what they did. this GOOD news, or in OXBOW’s I had NO IDEA what the fuck I case: cock, fistfights and general- was doing, despite having done In other words let’s start at the ized and non-specific threatening all of the requisite research. But start. behaviors of all types, it becomes one thing I soon figured out was quite easy for us to confuse the that as MUCH as I TOOK and as cause and the effect. HIGH as I got on fuck, fantasy THE PLANE RIDE 1) I ask for drugs Standing in the middle of a 2) People send me drugs stadium show by Xavier Naidoo, Went like this: 3) I lose the label/listing for a german pop sensation on par whatever the drugs were when with an R. Kelly you might be Terror they came from the pharmacy wondering, much like I was, why Terror and end up with a fistful of mys- the fuck I was here. Well some Horrible Movie tery pills and TV producer friends who are Seat Companion with a Cock and 4) In a state of the union deci- mulling over doing a package a Ponytail (Said not a single word sion to clear the cabinets I start on TRACKS, a widely watched to him in 12 hours) gobbling all of the mystery tab- and appreciated TV show, have Terror lets with the unstated intention dragged us here. Sky Sluts screaming LENNY being to have them all consumed KRAVITZ at me. by end of tour. Or at least 10 “We’re space viruses. And the Customs stooges screaming o’clock tonight. ancient Sumerians were vectors.” LENNY KRAVITZ at me. And finally So when this fella comes up to We pause and watch the me- BERLIN. me and says diocre R&B stylings of Naidoo, complete with a surprise inter- Manuel from SPLATTER PROMO- “My name is Germ.” ruption by RZA from the Wu TION shows up, Fozzy, stage Tang Clan (who I think is to hip dude extraordinaire, sneaks up I’m not sure if it’s him or the hop what OXBOW is to, ah, behind me and we whisk it all purples talking. well, serial sex abuse) and then into the city via bus with me idly pause in that moment when the wondering “has the swastika “Jeremy?” I say, mishearing the sight of 50,000 Germans cheer- been totally discredited here as tallish, bald record producer. ing and raising their fists, hands, a result of that little Nazi pas de and lighters to the Northern deux?” “GERM. My intelligence is totally Light tinged Berlin-night sky just vertical and I’m telling you that reminds of us of, uh, HAPPIER But we haven’t even played a the Egyptians stole everything times in Germany. Times when a show yet. Not even a SINGLE from the ancient Sumerians who man could BE a man and chase SHOW and here I am already on got it from off of THIS planet. the Jew of his choice through the Planet Oxbow. We were created by an intelli- cobbled streets!!! Those heady gence off of this planet.” times. See it goes like this: We shudder and move on. of said apartment neither an- swered nor called the cops. Per- “So that’s why I call myself haps he believed I WAS the cops. Germ.” Well in a country where sum- mary arrests are probably routine “What does your mother call no harm, no foul. you?” I make it to the other side of “Jeremy Swain.” the building, to Manuel’s apart- ment where of course I repeat And so he is. African-American- the same performance as the German. goddamned key doesn’t work or rather the pilled state I’m in We end up at a bar called ap- won’t allow the key TO work propriately enough AMBULANCE and so it is that I’m there in his and this is the last thing I remem- kitchen at 7:35 eating what at ber until I show up at Manuel’s first blush seems to be a choco- apartment. Banging. Kicking in late bar but which I later find out the door and cursing him for a is supposed to be dissolved in a key that doesn’t work when at gallon of warm water and is like 7 in the morning I notice for the the concentrate of all concen- first time that the name plate on trates a la some Swiss Miss shit. the apartment is different. So just as my head hits a pillow “They switched his apartment. Manuel the Intrepid is bird-dog- What a dirty fucking Nazi trick.” ging us into training it over to the rental place, while Fozzy Until I realize that maybe, just serenades me with Neal Young maybe it’s not the apartment’s tunes on the guitar. My total that have been switched but elapsed sleep time in the most that maybe just maybe I’m in the recent 48-hour period: 24 min- wrong side of the building. utes.

Strangely enough the occupant Beautiful. THE GUN COCKING and frightening things that keep whispering the same thing over We get to the rental place and I and over: we’ll kill you. With our fall deeply in love with the rental little hands we’ll kill you Joe. woman who is renting us the jet black Mercedes sleeper that we’d So Fozzy drives and I climb into call home for the next 3 weeks the sleeper to sleep and piss into and I assume she’s fallen in love bottles until we get to Paris. with me as well as she doesn’t ask us for a deposit, ID, proof of rental, nothing.

She gives us the keys, empties the ashtrays, and quickly fucks off and away from the burning eye gaze of my patented Pen- etrating Eye Seduction Look. You know, the kind of look that makes you all of a sudden feel like you need to have like MORE clothes on.

So I sadly and with lost opportu- nity wave goodbye and pull into Berlin traffic with the expectation of making it to Paris by night.

All well and good except exactly 37 minutes outside of Berlin I start seeing things.

What kind of things? HERE SHE IS “TRYING” TO MAKE ME JEALOUS PITCHING WOO AT THE WILY SWISSMAN. Mostly, vaginas. But also horrible PLASTER OF PARIS before I think it works just fine in the AM. And anyways, nothing So the world of global merg- succeeds like excess and Excedrin ers touches OXBOW on the ass. and so I am outski. Lights outski. With its cock. Our shipper DAN- ZAS was bought or got bought Which marks a continuing theme by the company run by a convict- thusfar of this tour: narcotic-born ed pederast DHL and that com- narcolepsy. bined with all of the 4th of July anti-terrorist bullshit has resulted I mean if the going gets tough: in a shipping of equipment night- sleep. mare on par with that surgeon who amputated the wrong leg of But the cool thing is that the his erstwhile and hapless patient. show we’re playing in Paris is EQUIPMENT? WHAT FUCKING EQUIPMENT??!!? not at that god-forsaken place in In other words things couldn’t be Montreuil or however the fuck more fucked up. you spell it that we played last time in Paris (Tour Diary: 2002 No equipment. (Eugene) > Page 7) I had my And we’re being charged twice evening of doubt, pain, LSD and for it. valium.

Beautiful. We’re playing on a pirate ship called appropriately enough: La In the past I’d have been in the Guingette Pirate. office, bad-vibing, stealing office supplies and urinating in pot- And it’s a real ship. I mean it sits ted plants but my preferred MO on the water and rocks back and here harkens back to my dear old forth and I can’t really think of departed step-aunt Annabelle: I anything more delightful than sleep. dancing the vomit fantastic as we try to make it through a THE MOTHERFUCKING WRECK OF HESPERUS: THE BOAT UPON Yeah yeah I know it’s called show on a pirate ship with NO WHICH WE PLAYED EXCEDRIN PM but as I’ve said musical equipment and a head full of Roofies. I feel sleep coming on even YOU CAN’T SPELL LIMOGES WITH- though the Excedrin PM is wear- OUT LEMON PLEDGE Fortunately there is the great ing off. I mean it’s either sleep Philippe Thiphaine from Helio- or attacking a random audience LIMOGES FESTIVAL gabale (and his newest This Side member but I love the French so How do you know that you’re of Jordan which features me and much and looking out at all of at a goddamned Festival? Using his roommate Alex in total full their eager faces I just want to these handy dandy steps you too blown Sonny and Cher mode) kiss them all. On the fucking lips. will able to identify the surefire and his band’s willingness to do And I want them to kiss me too. signs that you are at a dirty fuck- that which we never do: lend us On my fucking cock. What a love ing hippie laden hipster fest. equipment. fest and finally with tuned guitar and borrowed equipment we fin- 1) hacky sacks: see that Teva We never lend equipment be- ish the set. sandal wearing fuckwad batting cause as bad as that other band about the scrotum toy with his is going to feel after they BREAK The Parisian drug dealers that pleasantly sexless companions? something, it doesn’t even come dog my every step catch up to Yes. You’re at a festival. In fact close to how bad WE’RE are me by the OXVAN and while I the same goes for going to feel trying to make towel down I try to explain to 2) what we like to call DIG it through 30 fucking shows them that I’m on the straight and ëEM STIX. Two sticks, the party without whatever it is that they narrow. By which I mean COM- fucking equivalent of rhythmic broke. MITTED to finishing up these gymnastics. HEY HEY LOOK AT mystery tabs and not muddying MEÖI’M AN ASS WITH TWO But Philippe says fuck it and so the water with KNOWN qualities. STICKS. we play on their equipment and 3) Plastic laminates for EVERY- things are going along swim- They look puzzled and sad. Like thing. mingly until Niko breaks a guitar dogs. But eventually understand, 4) Men with plastic laminates string and we are plunged and mumble something about Alge- shrugging “I DON’T KNOW” to treated to 15 minutes of excruci- rian cock and are off. Like a prom almost any question you might ating guitar tuning. dress. ask. 5) Women hitchhiking who Niko has transmogrified into Rain change their goddamned minds Man. And apparently not the about hitch-hiking suddenly kind that can tune a guitar. when we stop and offer “rides”. And Limoges is no different. Late for our set an OXBOW fan who had driven all the way from We see all of the above in vast god knows where gets to the profusion IMMEDIATELY on Man With the Plastic Laminate getting here. HERE being many Shrugging stage of gaining en- hours from Paris to which we trance and tries to talk to him. must return in the hopes that our real equipment has shown up. Fan: I need to get my car through here. I came all the way We’re late and so we rush to down for OXBOW. the stage while I stagger around in the grass out behind the tent Shrugging Man: I don’t know. and think of the circus sodomites and felons that infest the carny Fan: I KNOW. That’s them start- SEE THE AMAZING COCK BOY!! HE SCREECHES!! HE experience in any given American ing nowÖ HOWLS!! HE FUCKS YOUR GIRLFRIEND WHEN YOU’RE OUT town on any given day. OF TOWN!!!” Shrugging Man: I don’t know. I do this until they weave me back toward the stage and we Fan: AGGGHHHHHÖ. start playing and things are go- ing along as well as ever until At such point he used his car to 75% through the show large ram the gates and in one swell chunks of the audience begin fell swoop hospitalized the MAY- FLEEING. Out of an audience OR of Limoges AND got himself of 800 people we’d be talking thrown in jail, but the festival about like 200 of them running attendees heard that some guy for the exits like the place was was killing people at the gate on fire. and naturally they all ran to see. See, THOSE suicidal adventure I’m about to start running myself seekers were the REAL OXBOW until I notice the set is over and fans. They just don’t fucking the trembling stage manager know it yet. explains what’s happened: So we play and of course drive back to Paris like maniacs to get TATTOO--that I think he’s GAY our equipment. Which we’ve because he got glossed with the now been told is in Chicago. totally GAY sounding name of Which is really fucking inconve- Jean-Luc. Fuck NO. nient as we play Lyon tomorrow. “You ever hear of ze MCRA?” Sleep. He’s leering at me and raising his eyebrows like he got his cock ASS FUCKING FRENCH MEN!!!! caught in the cookie jar.

ASS FUCKING FRENCH MEN!!! “Mom’s Cocks Right in the Ass?”

Here’s what I wrote for www. “You weesh. Besides that would skullgame.com about Lyon. But be MCRITA.” the FULLER story continues after- ward. “Don’t you NEVER correct my fucking Englishistics you French “He’s a two-fisted man. And I fuck. Why I oughtaÖ.” mean that in the DEEPEST way possible.” “Lissen lissenÖ.it stands for Mo- toClub Rhone Alpes. They have THEY CALL HIM THE EURO TUN- this guy, name of Euro Tunnel. NEL! I mean zey call him the Euro Tunnel. And you know why? He Okay, just because we’re in takes TWO, not one, but TWO France, the land where they fists up the ass at the same love that game with the round time.” ball played by guys in mullets who suck cock DOESN’T mean And Jean Luc, whose totally fuck- that every single sandal wearing ing swank ass house I’m staying Frenchmen is like GAY. I mean at tonight, continues. it doesn’t mean that--and as I stand with tattoo god extraordi- “Yes. I show it to you.” Jean Luc. HE’S NOT GAY! naire, Jean-Luc of VIVA DOLOR “Ah. Nah. That’s okay. Say, hom- “Or maybe you want to see Black and guarding said meat from the bre, how come I, uh, I, like never Walls. TEN big fucking Black packs of wandering dogs that met your girlfriend?” guys fuck this one guy and at the seem to be de rigeur at almost END he says, haha, is that all you any jack-booted collection of “Oh. Well she is always away. have? Haha.” anarchists. But anyway at the endÖ” Perfect. Jesus Fucking H on a Stick Christ. Ha. Ha. Fucking Ha. I understand po-mo homo hu- He’s also in the band that’s play- mor as much as the next fucking ing support named NED. And non-homo dude but I have to say they’re cool even though I’m that I could never have said ANY- LYONS: LIKE A RUG rattled at their insistence of sing- THING about watching some of ing in English. Makes me sudden- this shit all the way to the END. Yeah. Except we didn’t stay at his ly start to feel like I’ve learned place. We stay at the promoter’s how to speak FRENCH but Mar-rone! place who has the fucking class they’re tight and Fugazi-esque to, even though we’re playing at and he’s spent time in Canada or THE END. But, but, but, waitÖI this Anarchist squat, to get me some fucking seedbed of West- mean I DID watch that dog fuck- the MEAT that he was contrac- ernism and so he speaks English ing video until the END but that’s tually obligated to give me. But much better than my retard level because after awhile I forget it he has to apply like all of this French and so we get along well. was chicks fucking dogs. Well totally high level of Pentagon-like maybe it’s the same with Hands security to get it to me before But he’s eyeing me as I drink the Across the Anus. we’re both lynched by the An- wine. And so I drink even more archists. So the meat is hidden of it because we’re already famil- “Wait, wait, waitÖ.are the fists in this container that’s buried at iar with this calculus: up the assius clay belonging to the bottom of this empty laun- chicks or dudes?” dry basket that he wheels into Dirty, filthy, dog-infested hippie- the food room. Which doesn’t laden anarchist squat = extreme “HeyyyyyÖ.chicks, of course!” LOOK suspicious at all. Me eat- violence. ing furtively from the bottom “Ah good.” of a laundry basket, my lips and So we head for the stage and I’m fingers glistening with the holy beset by French women. Fuck. Okay. I’m okay. meat, glowering at vegetarians CAN I BUY YOU A DRINK? that I am.

Yes. “Yes. Yes. And where are you sleeping tonight?” CAN I VIDEOTAPE YOU? “At your place.” Smooth. The For what? fucking EPI-TOME of smooth.

FOR MY PERSONAL COLLEC- “Well where’s my husband going TION. to sleep?”

Yes. But come talk to me after- “Good of you to ask, but you ward. know after I strangle him, this will be of little consequence.” HIS NAME IS NICO. WHICH MAKES FOR AN AMUSING And so it goes. “HELLO NIKO, HELLO NICO” BETWEEN HIM AND OXBOW’S She escapes as soon as I bend NIKO. THIS IS FUNNIER THAN IT SOUNDS BELIEVE ME. We play. down to begin putting my pants on. No one “tries” ANYTHING. Natch. Fucking married broads. A I’m spun. little murder, a little spouse-I-cide and they’re off like a raped ape. The show ends. Which is fine. Limping through the crowd (I don’t know what happened) the We head over to Ned’s with a video woman comes up to me guy from the great band Laddio trembling. Bolocko (which I’m misspelling because I’m fucking idiot). He’s “It was great.” got two broads in tow and it seems that the party will be tak- “So that video’s going to ëwork ing on a railroad motif. out’ for you?” I say leering like the degenerate motherfucker Except I take some mystery pills and that with the wine is making SPRINGTIME FOR HITLER IN GER- fucking SAD but that’s what me feel kind of, uh, BROOPY. MANY MAKES it perfect.

So when we get to Ned’s I pass Wo ist der K Vier? So we play. A man with long out. gray hair, a tube top and no The goth chick in front of me shoes dances all nightóthe same Greg later tells me that he thinks smiles indulgently and points not mincing vaguely Axl Rose-esque the guy was a junkie. As were his more than 50 yards away while hip-switching thing. The whole wife and her friend. I bemoan my saying in perfectly NON-accented show. And as anyone who premature exit because if there’s English. knows me can attest to I have nothing I like better it’s junkie’s this weird thing with feet and so looking to score. Seriously. That “Right over THERE.” his feet begin to move beyond single minded purposefulness. the periphery of my conscious- That monomaniacal focus. That Hahaha. Yeah. Fuck you. Try get- ness to centerstage and sud- attention to detail. That willing- ting from Kentucky to Ohio and denly the whole place starts to ness to suck cock for a few hast- see if all of that language profi- smell like feet, HIS feet and I am ily passed bills. ciency helps you there. overwhelmed with the human dimension of horror and I can Ah well. But the club is totally swank, feel his feet drawing my eyes, the pre-show food is swank, in inexorably, to the source of my Off to Milan to do TWO things fact the whole deal is so swank present mania and then finally I of which I won’t speak at all and (and we finally got our OWN give in mid-song and LOOK at his they are equipment) that we celebrate by feet and they were as horrible as breaking out some of the www. I had anticipated and I scream a 1) to interview porn star Rocco skullgame.com porn and dialing la The Tell-Tale Heart and fall to Siffredi and it in on the laptop while various the ground. Now as this doesn’t 2) to get my hands on a whole stagehands and helpers wander at all deviate from the normal shitload of steroids. in at the floating and inimitable OXBOW flow of things no one sounds of fuck drifting through in the audience is nonethewiser, Don’t ask me anything else this old Nazi stronghold. however, it takes a whole carafe about this section of the trip as of red wine post-show to shake ANYTHING I say in regards to it Perfect. his feet and I am only slightly is likely to be a clumsily erected mollified by the fact that we house of lies I mean on one level it’s totally sold (minus those fucking thiev- ing Germans who stole our shit fucking polymath and can play without paying for it) 200 Euros just about any instrument known worth of our coffee coasters, er, to man. And he can play it well. CDs. But he’s not THE guitar player, but I, like Sargeant Schultz on But we head over to the hotel the affectionately remembered and then and only then do we HOGAN’S HEROES, that oh so see that God is smiling on us. whimsical look at Nazi concen- Which of course in an OXBOW- tration camps, say “NOTHING!!!” IAN universe means that we are damned. ESPECIALLY when “And HEÖ” he’s now gesticulat- God smiles on us because we’re ing toward me like I won some- staying at a hotel that apparently thing on a game show, “ is the is also the hotel where graduat- singer!” THE MORNING AFTER THE NIGHT BEFORE OF INTERGEN- ing high school seniors are also ERATIONAL BONDING staying. And as we pull up 5 or And the girls all swarm around 6 teenage girls stick their heads me all youthful innocence and out of the windows and despite exuberance and I feel like my the houró2:00 AMóthey are friend Cintra said in describing an waving and screaming “Hello!” ex-boyfriend of hers, like “a clot of vice.” Yeah yeah, hello, goddamnit HELLO!!!! “Well sing something for us then!!!” And that was just our cocks talk- ing. “Sing something for you, eh? I’ll sing something for you. But not Fozzy breaks wild and when we here in the hallÖ.” spot him in the hallway with aforementioned girls he’s fucking Yeah. It doesn’t look so good winging it like a Wildman. in print but that kind of suavity rarely does. “Yeah. I, uh, play guitar.” Which is factually correct. Fozzy is a So I go to my solo room. Which in normal tour terms means business. nothing if not MASTURBATION MASTURBATION MASTURBA- I get down to the front and for TION but before I can get started the first time notice the Negro Fozzy’s at the door. sitting on top of the soda ma- chine. Well it’s not actually a “Listen. I think I can pull this off! REAL Negro like me, but rather a But Manuel’s in my room! What modern-mini-lawn jockey variant the hell? What should I do?” of Negro. About 8 inches high with a sign stating that if you And so I sagely advise that he want drinks or mineral water to bring them up to MY room just ask. and I’ll leave (yeah, yeah, okay, believe what the fuck you want) A wealth of opportunity in Ger- and let him do his thing if it many for tiny Negroes it seems. comes to that. In fact since I’ll be in bed reading about Stalin But the chaperone is not the and Hitler I’ll just leave the door chaperone but instead the hotel open and he can walk on in and guy complaining about the noise, I’ll exit. as are now the neighbors who are screaming at the girls who Fifteen minutes later he walks in. are screaming up to where they Without the teens. think our rooms are and with all the screaming I get a distinctly “The chaperone is giving me a strong sensation that hard time.” 1) the cops will be there to add “What? He’s out there mad-dog- to the chorus of misery and ging you?!?!” And this gets me 2) no one is getting laid at all. going and I’m out the door and down the stairs to see if I’m go- And I tell Fozzy I’m going back to ing to meet a man who likes to my room where I masturbate ag- ONE OF GERMANY’S MANY HARD-WORKING, EIGHT- fight or a man who likes to shut gressively with thoughts of Stalin INCH-HIGH NEGROES. the fuck up and mind his own and Hitler dancing in my head while the tinkling chorus of teen- never have met you to begin the Vino they lard them up with age girls floats up from down with.” alcohol and they sit all day and below. Ah, what will this little talk and smile and drink drink peach colored pill do? I don’t Truer words were never spoken. drink. know but I’m aiming to find out. Teutonic genius. And the next day when I wake INNSBRUCK? IS THAT IN NEW JER- up alive and am standing in SEY? But we load into the club down front of the hotel the girls run the ramp of sudden death (at up to me and are hugging me So I sleep all the way from Nurn- like a 45 degree incline) that and kissing me and I receive the berg to Innsbruck. I woke up just must have been built by some ski baseless adoration like I receive long enough to see Lichtenstein. jumping fucking maniac and we all such baseless adoration: cock I think. eat and the anarchists putting first. And all the hugs are cock on the show HAVE THEIR SHIT first. And all the kisses involve And when we get to Innsbruck TOGETHER. The food is great, grabbed asses and while the we’re just wandering around the they get us on the radio, they’re van percolates in the street next town and some guy pulls up to treating us like human beings, to me, I, like the great Mr. Luigi us on a scooter and says their plying us with vodka and (aka Jamie Gillis) mutter under then the scene blossoms. my breath against the realization “Are you Oxbow?” that the only REASON that these There are gaggles of punk rocked girls are talking to me is because “Yeah.” out teens hanging out by the they HAVEN’T seen OXBOW, bathroom listening to music on a which puts me in a joyous funk. “Well follow me.” boom box and smoking pot like there’s no show going on there Hahah... they haven’t seen OX- And against our better judgment at all and I realize in micro this is BOW. They haven’t seen OX- we follow him to the club, which where I am. BOW. Well pray that their adoles- as luck would have it is right next cence lasts a little longer. to a homeless shelter for hope- I mean it takes a while to less worthless alcoholics but be- dawn on me why this tour is so And here I will recall the famous cause they really know HOW TO strange. I mean compared to words of my 15-year old ex-girl- DO THINGS over here rather then others in the past: I’m sleeping friend: “If my life hadn’t have spending their time DEPRIVING through it and like only wak- already been fucked up, I’d have these men of the grape access to ing up to play. It’s like Dracula. My reality is just ass to ass. And INNSBRUCKLYN (CONT) if there IS a general lingering sensation that I’m losing my So we play. Well. And it’s over. mind this is probably the reason. I mean that and all of the pills. And I’m sitting down on these My ship’s rope is just trailing theater seats they have waiting along behind in the water and for our host, another one whose somewhere in the captain’s mess name I’m lamely forgetting, to the captain is a mess. HahaÖ. take us back to his house. well okay. I always wanted to die on stage like Jackie Wilson. And I’m sitting. Drinking. Watch- Losing my mind on stage was a ing. Waiting. And then I hear close second though and I’ll ac- “let’s go” and I start to “go” but cept it. I’ll accept it as everything the message has not gotten to HELLO. WE ARE HOPELESS, WORTHLESS DRUNKS WHO in California gets just more and the legs yet on account of stop- DON’T PLAY MUSIC. TOTALLY DIFFERENT FROM THE HOPE- more remote and the lands up ping for all of that vodka and LESS, WORTHLESS DRUNKS IN THE BAND ahead lose their ability to impress so I do an Abbott and Costello as real. ass on the floor dump and there is no way to outcool THIS mo- But the show was great. Some ment and I don’t care that much guy in a wheelchair pulled up to about cool anyway because now the front of the stage and I had I’m just waiting for that guy in resolved to make mad fucking the club who thinks: THIS IS MY monkey love to him in recreation CHANCE. of that Jane Fonda-Jon Voight scene from that movie about And you know he’s out there. I Vietnam vets but only because KNOW he’s out there because I I thought he might enjoy being can hear him laugh when I fall paid attention to with something but he doesn’t step up and so other than pity but alas I get we’re off to our host house and sidetracked. when we get there I am much pleased because he is clearly THE REVOLUTION BEGINS TODAY!!! WELL NOT RIGHT Which is code for: vodka. THE WEALTHIEST ANARCHIST NOW... I KNOW. And this is more than good and as I crawl into the bed NO CONSCIOUSNESS ëTIL BEL- he’s made for me I know that GIUM!!! OR WHAT HAPPENED WHEN this is more than good because I GOT MY HANDS ON DUANE DEN- it’s clean and smells nice and I’m NISON thanking heaven that I get back to sleep again. And I do. And I Well I wake up and we’re cours- am. ing through the Belgian country side and I’m prepped and primed And the next day when we’re because of that fuck DUANE leaving I see our host casting an DENNISON and my belief that I eye to my book on Stalin and will indeed, like Ahab, after all of Hitler. these years run into him because they are playing on the same “Yes. Good reading.” day, the same festival and pretty COULD THIS BE THE NAME, AND THE DARK SECRET, OF close to the same time. THE RICHEST ANARCHIST IN INNSBRUCK? He sort of shakes his head as though I’m making some sort of But to refresh your memory as to stab at post-modern irony. why I want to kick his ass.

“YeahhhÖtwo great humanitar- Eilidh Bradley from Solar Race to ians” I say smiling. Dennison backstage at a Jesus Lizard show: He turns away. Ah well. Another opportunity for healthy debate I just talked to Eugene andÖ stifled in the face of my asshol- ishness. DUANE: You mean that guy from OXBOW? That really contrived We have like a 390 hour drive guy? in front of us so I medicate and sleep until we get to Brussels. Eilidh, now shocked: Well he just said to tell YOU, “hi.”

SMILE! THE STUPID AMERICANS ARE LEAVING YOU SAD- DUANE: Oh. Hey. Uh. Don’t tell DER BUT A BIT WISER NOW. him I said that will you? So now I’ve been hunting for this ING? YOU SEE SOMETHING?!? band Solar Race?” prick for YEARS now to show YOU SEE SOMETHING?!?!” him that an assbeating delivered “No. No. I don’t think so. But I by an assbeater is a thing of And I birddog him into the build- moved to Nashville and IÖ.” beauty to behold but I’ve had a ing and I watch is eyes shift to couple of problems on the way the window and I go to look at “Why the fuck would you do to getting my hands on him. the window and there he is, the that?” fuck. The White Whale. Jesus. I 1) I don’t know what he looks AM FUCKING ENRAPTURED. “Well for work. And for my fam- like. ily.” And I start walking out to him But if there’s no solution, there’s and after I get like 10 yards away “So you don’t remember her?” no problem and so having Fozzy I start circling him with my head here is great because not only is cocked into the circle center. And of course I hear the voice of he friends with this fuck DUANE Danny Pops in my head. He of DENNISON but he’s also friends I pull off my glasses and watch the lengthy Leavenworth prison with MIKE PATTON, the guy who his eyes avoid mine. term. “Fucking HIT him already.” sings for DENNISON’S new band so I tell Fozzy in total life and “Hey.” I finally say. “You know “No.” death biker fashion. me?” “Well fuck that. Unimportant at “Listen man. If you see that fuck And he stops and looks at this point. She had just described before I do you tell me. You got me like he doesn’t know me in great detail to me a conversa- that?!?! YOU TELL ME. And get (“Like?”óVoices of the Sane) tion you two had had aboutÖ.” your camera at the ready.” “Ah, no. I don’t think so.” “Eugene? Is that you?!?!” I mean I’ve been studying photos of the guy but those are photos “I think you do. Eugene from OX- “What? Yeah.” and so later when we’re walking BOW.” And I watch the calcula- into the food building and Fozzy tions going in his head while I And it was Kevin Rutmanis, starts acting strange, I start look- grab his hand and hold it tight. formerly of The Melvins, and ing around and screaming he’s yanking my hand away from “I’ve been looking for you. Do Dennison and pumping it and “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DO- you remember Eilidh? From that smiling smiling smiling. “Man. I just read your article in “So you KNOW then you moth- of my revenge. On the one fork VICE magazine. I was obsessed erfucker?” is sating the mad satyr of my with it for like a month.” And desire for revenge against all then John Stainer from Helmet And now it kind of shifts into of that which has given my life comes up and offers “yeah. He that weird “what the fuck is hap- focus and meaning for the last 5 was showing everybody!!!” pening?” zone because of course years versus the totally transitory there were TWO articles in VICE. ego fulfillment of being a recog- Now the only reason I even Three if you count my CHARLES nized genius among men. know these guys names is that MANSON contribution and so it I looked them up afterward. dawns on me that he hasn’t read Revenge. At the time I was so fired with the one where I threatened his revenge all I knew was, and this life, but the other one wherein Ego. is the real sad and embarrass- I advised losers on how to take ing part of the story, that that a beating. But fuck that. I’m not Revenge. old adage about flattery getting letting go and he starts squeak- you everywhere was fucking true ing while I start saying “Know E..EÖÖ.EGO. Ego is the fuck- because I was weakening under what?,” his eyes spinning like ing winner in any contest where the blandishments of musicians fucking tops, “I’ve been threat- MINE is involved and I can hear whose music accomplishments ening your life you fuck.” my revenge side cry out in shock (read: cash) I had admired, ad- and awe as the old ego maniacs miring my shit. But I wouldn’t be “MY life? You mean mine per- standby claims another victory shaken, especially not when it sonally?” and Dennison goes sliding to totally dawned on me that if he the ground and Fozzy is snap- had been showing the article in “Yeah. YOURS personally.” And I ping off a photograph and MIKE VICE, which concluded with me get him off of his feet and Kevin PATTON is shaking my hand and threatening his life AGAIN that starts in again oblivious to what’s patting me on the back and all he KNEW who I was, why I was unfolding but totally fired by be- these guys are singing the praises here and he almost fooled me, ing in the presence of my fucking of OXBOW’s genius and while the MOTHERFUCKER. so-called genius as I hear Denni- my revenge’s shame grows my son wanly ask ego’s balls have gotten big and And so I grabbed him in a pre-su- it’s all glad handing all around plex bear hug, trapping his weak “why?” because these guys had all just hand against his body. rushed over to the Magic Tent to And here I am at the crossroads see OXBOW play and well fuck it, I say. There’s no question that fait accompli. Someone who it I can take him, that I SHOULD might not look so pathetic when take him, that under other cir- I’m slapping them around, which cumstances I WOULD take him it dawned on me with Duane, but I don’t because much like the was an issue. He looked like an fucking Flying Nun, I’m not so old man and I just didn’t see me secretly glad to have people like looking that good in the photos me. (ego, again). But who?

Jesus. I think Rollins would be good but we used to be friends and he’s But my Revenge has the last been nothing but a prince to me. laugh as after all the merriment and joie de vivre has passed it Danzig can fight. Vibes tough MOTHER I TRIED TO GET TO YOU. I’M DOING THE BEST dawns on me that that which guy. But he’s never done any- THAT I CAN. I’M ASHAMED OF THE THINGS THAT I’VE has given my life focus for the thing bad to me that I know. DONE. I’M ASHAMED OF THE PERSON I AM. last 5 years is GONE. I went from my life and death battle with Shit. I’m lost. Lost. Lost. MIKE LAVELLA, culminating with me pouring gasoline around the Will someone please step up and base of his office to GARY HELD give me a reason to live? at Revolver for selling stolen OX- BOW records to KEVIN MARTIN Oh. The Dour show was great by who was selling those records to the way. DENNISON and with DENNISON off of the list what was I going Back to sleep to England. Perfidi- to do? ous Albion.

What?

What?

IT’S A LONG WAY TO THE TOP IF YOU WANT TO GET DYS- Ideally it should be someone ENTRY whose beating by me is not a WELCOME TO CARDIFF. AGGGHH- should be in means I sit and stare known as THE BEST MAN IN OX- HHH... and take stock of how I think BOW) and when he asks me how things are going so far, which I am I say When I wake up in Cardiff I am leads me to gobble some more in the van. Alone. I piss in a pills, naturally, because while “GREAT!!!” bottle. Let’s see. This means that things are going well. Swimming- I slept through the ferry cross- ly in fact. I mean 5000 people to “Well that’s cool.” ing. In fact I slept in the hold of see us at Dour, I got That Face the ship since I was in the van Syndrome. “And I’m losing my mind!” and this is expressly forbidden because of the build up of fumes You know how that works. “if “Ok. Well Niko’s not in the and the ever-present possibility you keep making THAT FACE shower yet.” of death on the high seas. But I it’s going to stay that way,” says slept through it. And dreamt of your mother. And so it might. “Beautiful.” nothing. Which you should be And might that it has. This zen thankful for as most people’s state of white-no-noise that in- And so I hit the shower and dreams are as dreary as the bad fests my waking hours, as few as shoot the shit with Keith, our TV that’s given birth to most of they are, and my sleeping ones genius host and promoter. He’s them and mine I’m sure are no too. moved out of the DUDE haven different possibly and probably that was his last place and into only highlighting the high degree Like Al Pacino in that movie some swank digs and he com- to which I bring to bear my twin Insomnia. ments obsessions with betrayal and paranoia. Sleeping but not rested. Some- “Ohlk kakl;d ;;ajkjdh what rested but totally restive. I ,Ö.wuwuhhtrÖYeah.” But I sit blinking in the heat of can’t describe the mood better the sun and van stink and wan- than that. But it’s not a miser- Which is how the fuck everything der which of these row houses able feeling at all, mind you, Jeff sounds to me now that I’m over hold the rest of the band. Well Wilson. Hell NO. I’ve been wait- here. Sorry. I just can’t under- last time we played Cardiff we ing for this the way some people stand a word. Not a single one stayed down the street from wait for winning lottery tickets. and so I find myself listening, where Tom Jones got his start. doglike, trying to catch an odd These seem to be swankier digs Dan is the first one down to vowel here and there. but not knowing which one I the van to rescue me (Dan also But leastways I can make out ing support as well. that he’s here because of his woman and I have to say it’s an Perfect. improvement. Both the woman and the place as she feeds us like But Keith is fighting a losing fucking stevedores and she’s nice battle against Bristol. Kind of like to look at though I think she’s San Jose and it’s struggle to as- been forewarned about me and sert itself against the great bulk so generally steers clear, won’t of San Francisco. He’s trying to be in the same room with me book shows here and losing. Still alone. You know, all those things fighting but just not drawing the that make a lot of sense. numbers he needs and tonight is no different. No different from But we get over to the club, last time (minus the bag pipe IF YOU ARE PLAYING HERE: YOU ARE IN TROUBLE called TOUCAN and it reminds player). No different. Except I’m me of the Cardiff version of that insane now. club that I used to bounce at called PARADISE BEACH. The Sons of Thunder open and while whole faux tropicalismo theme. they kill during soundcheck, real crunchy and heavy, during the The guy from McLusky’s (“We live show their worst instincts are very TIRED now.”óa member come to bro-rock their set way of McLusky three shows into the fuck out. Wallets on chains. their tour) girlfriend that we Shouts out. The whole POD 9. spoke of last time we were here OK. They’re young. Stick to the beelines for me and is shaking angry crunch, stay away from my hand, while I’m introducing that other shit and they’ll be fine. myself and staring at her legs. In response to my question regard- The chick whose name I just ing his whereabouts she not only remember is named Gemma (or refers to him as “a roommate” Jemma) plays and their set is (denied three times before the okay but stage fright fucks her cock crows) but an “asshole,” to shit up I think. And she’s wearing boot. She sings in the band play- pants now. Which saddens me. But we play to like 60 people equation where the sum is al- YEAH. THE SHERIFF. WHAT THE FUCK and they’re sore afraid and ways zero.” IS YOUR PROBLEM? jam BACK in the club while we play and the ketamine courses “But how do you know this?” Nottingham: Nice club. Nothing through my veins and I feel amiss. Things seem A OK. The PROUD to be on stage with my “Because if love is life and life is Sheriff of Nottingham notwith- cock in my hand. beastly cruel and short then it standing. Oh I mean that and the follows that so is love.” fact that Satan is afoot. Afterward these three college kids from the local paper bully us “But this doesn’t seem to be The promoter, whose name I into an interview. Two guys and born out my experience.” forget of course, is a great guy. a woman and they’re delightful Great. And I have this amusing and stick through it despite our “How the fuck long have you sensation that I imagine stand jaundice and generalized distem- been touring with OXBOW?!? up comedians must get where per. EIGHT years nows?!? Of course it I think/feel that he’s just gonna does.” wait for something “HILARIOUS” And so it goes back to Keith’s to happen because we are so where we watch an Australian “But how is it that you go on?” fucking wacky and well god- movie called BAD BOY BUBBY, damn it, I know it’s afoot. I which is like the Australian “Well it’s the best game in mean I READ about it. And so ERASERHEAD, excepting for the town.” I amusedly watch him all night presence of big tits, saran wrap and when I ask him to pass the killings and retards having sex, “Love?” salt I say “please” and “thank and I fall into a fitull sleep on you” but he’s not fooled and his Keith’s couch sort of hypnagogi- “Whatever.” unflagging good mood is infec- cally picking my way through a tious. Or I mean it would be if I conversation I had with Manuel wasn’t insane. earlier. IMGP1098.JPG “Well what I’m trying to figure ANY...SECOND...NOW...HE’S GO- out is whether love is always ING TO JUST FUCKING BLOW doomed.” Anyways, the bands opening “Of course it is. It exists in an before us have obviously read the same press and while I watch own just a mere 11 months after the Jeff Goldblum-esque singer we did. In all fairness Metallica for the support band play and had arrived before they started disrobe and drool I wonder when raping our exquisite corpse and it was that I wondered how long 5) These guys. it would take before the sincerest form of flattery had touched our I want to tell him about THAT heads. FACE Syndrome and that after awhile it won’t what he’s doing Let’s see. So far the bands I’ve but who he is that’s changing counted that have ridden my but fuck it. He’ll figure it out on personal angst, suffering and his own. insoluble emotional difficulty into fame, fortune and possible But then things get interesting. WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU LOOKING AT? YES I AM THE infamy have been SHERIFF OF NOTTINGHAM!! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU These two girls walk in, see me, LAUGHING ABOUT?!?!? 1) 54-71: the Japanese band who confer with each other and CA- though we stole their manager SUALLY come, out of all the seats and the singer’s girlfriend man- in this swank club, to sit right aged to get signed to Sony and next to me. are now riding around Tokyo in limos Over the music and the scream- 2) Baton: the French group ing they ask me whose lead singer is the great photographer Richard Compte. “What are you reading?” Baton is now defunct. 3) Knut: have no idea where “About Stalin and Hitler.” these guys are from but they’ve heavily borrowed from my choice Silence. of stage apparel. In return hom- age I wear their t-shirts. But from inauspicious beginnings 4) Metallica: Oh yeah. I’m sure. strange things get stranger.. They came up with that Mari- anne Faithfull idea ALL on their “My brother told me to come to see OXBOW.” I excuse myself to never return.

“Have you seen OXBOW be- But during the show they ARE fore?” standing up front but those Brit- ish crowds that we love so much “No. But he told us to stand real are starting in, glass is breaking, close.” guys are fighting each other, screaming, shouting, cheering And I’m watching them and and to join in the fun I jump they’re all tricked out in the down into the melee and I feel latest finery and I start to think some hands tracing their way that they don’t KNOW that I sing down my back and I turn and for OXBOW and so I’m sort of it’s THE GREATEST MAN ALIVE’S flattered but then there’s that sister and her friend and they’re MY BROTHER IS THE ONE WITH THE KNIFE conversational moment wherein sandwiching me and I’m about it’s revealed that they KNOW it’s to start turning the OXBOW me and then things get stranger. show into a SAUSAGE show before they stumble me sideways “I’m 17.” into our stage incense that burn a tunnel into my gut an inch OK. And she adjusts her fulsome deep. And I scream and they dis- breasts and smiles at me, while appear and finally the noise stops her friend smiles at me as well screaming and we’re standing and I start to suspect Vice Squad. on the sidewalk in front of The I mean really. No amount of Social hearing, probably not for egomania will lead me to believe the first time, that we have to that a threesome is afoot with drive all night to get to the Ferry these women after which I won’t so that we can get to Ireland. be immediately dragged to hell by either the Sheriff of Notting- THERE. THAT’S MY CUE. Another ham or Satan himself. It’s not long trip, another mystery pill, that I’m not a REAL ego maniac. another 7 hours of godknow- It’s just that I know OXBOW too swhat. well. AW, BILLY. WHAT’D YOU GO AND GET ing, the point is not even that YOURSELF KILLED UP FOR? I’m taking it, the point is that it amuses the fuck out of me to do So here we are in Cork, Ireland. so. THAT’S the point.

Heading off to play a club called And as soon as I realize this little Fred Zepplin’s and as befitting mummery that I perform out of a club called Fred Zepplins the sight of everyone else amuses walls, I notice when we get me, well, of course I stop it im- there, are gaily festooned with mediately. posters announcing the soon to be appearance of Screw it. I like my SUFFERING straight up no chaser. MR BROWNSTONE: The Guns N NO FUCKING SHIT. IT IS CALLED THAT Roses tribute band And so it is that we set up and CON JOVI: The Bon Jovi Tribute get ready to play. Our host, band yeah, and I forget his name too COLD SWEAT: The Thin Lizzy but I’d take a proper guess at tribute band RONAN but he’s a solid guy and he introduces me to the fight And I start to get a real bad feel- fans in the house and we start ing and start fumbling through talking No Hold’s Barred fighting my magic box for something to and Grappling magazine and he make of this place a magic place, starts shoving glasses of red wine but I’m noticing something inter- at me and before too long I’m esting about these mystery pills. feeling fucking FIT as a fiddle. With the exception of the Exce- Despite the fact that it was cold drin PM, which is LEGAL, they all and rainy and like a very Irish the are not doing much other than weather will fucking murder you probably nothing. I mean I know type of night. there was some LAUDAUNUM in there. Some VICODIN. Some, But we play and it’s cool and uh, someÖ.well you know. But afterward some other fighters the point is not WHAT I’m tak- are shoving fight magazines into my hand and some guy starts in through this night with nary a with me. single one of those anal rape situations that so plagued our “I used to be homeless.” last US tour.

“USED to be?” I ask checking out the generally shitty condition of WELCOME TO STAB CITY, NOW GET his clothes. THE FUCK OUUAAGGGÖ.

“Yeah. And this guyÖhe looked Despite Limerick’s merry repu- just like YOUÖtold me to wash tation in America as being the my balls and get my shit together birthplace of not only the Man and I did and now LOOK at from Nantucket but also the me!!!” seminal couplets named after A NOTRE DAME FAN. WHY DO YOU ASK? the city we’ve been told by the “Say. Do you know any women? men in Cork that the nickname Like any women at all?” in these here parts for that merry ol’ city is “Ah, no. Women are Trouble with a capital T. Which reminds STAB CITY. me of my black friend who told me to wash my ballsÖyou see, Really? Pray tell. heÖ.” “Well,” our promoter, a genial Jesus. This kind of shit can drive kind of Fugazi type of fellow you to drink. whose name I’ve typically forgot- ten again and who would prob- We head back to Ronan’s place ably stab me in a second if the and he tries to get us to watch mood struck him said, “because BAD BOY BUBBY but we’ve just everyone was stabbing everyone. seen it and so I drop into a deep Some guy died right here outside and dreamless sleep on a dirty the clubÖ” mattress next to Greg who, it may be noted, would make it “From what?” “Oh. He was stabbed. Stabby men whoÖ.” stab stabbed. But things are changing now. I mean now “SayÖdo you know any limer- they’re thinking of changing the icks that involve the use of the name to Shotgun City.” words ëstab,’ ëshotgun,’ or ëIrish mafia’?” “Let me guess: the totally high number of shotgun enthusiasts?” “Haha. NO.”

“No. Shotgunnings! One guy But the Mafia knows how to actually got shotgunned right in live and so despite the constant front of hereÖ.” and continual suicide or drink inducing rain we’re ensconced His and the clubs proximity to in the plushest of backstage THE SCENE OF YET ANOTHER UNFORTUNATE AND TOTAL- these scenes of stabbings and roomsÖwith cameras ever pre- LY RANDOM STABBING AT STAB CENTRAL shotgunnings starts ringing bells sentÖand a bird’s eye view of and so I ask. snooker tables and one way mir- rors and sound proofed rooms “Well who runs this club? I mean and men suddenly appearing you all are just promoters, right?” from behind doorknob-less rooms asking me what I might “Well the guys who run it, be looking for and stair wells wellÖ.” And then he gets quiet that lead to a back kitchen and while we both glance up at a enclosed backyard area with window overhead and I notice sewage drains all around. Yup. for the first time that there are The HIGH STOOL. A perfect club cameras everywhere. “Well this for both a shooting, a stabbing, place had been a strip club and or a non-specific revenge killing. they were bringing in lots of girls from Eastern EuropeÖuntil the In other words: OUR KIND OF police closed them down. And CLUB. then it used to be a snooker club, which it still sort of is and And when we play it’s a whole they are just some fine gentle- other level of Stab City activ- ity. I mean I can feel it. Though fuck youÖ” and then I’m all over show. No. This is an OXBOW they’re standing waaaay back as her. Boyfriend in the audience? show so I’m fairly certain that our reputations have preceded Boyfriend NOT in the audience? this is being done expressly to us, there’s some generalized Who the fuck knows? With one lure us into an alleyside stabbing. commentary from the peanut eye open to the slashing, stab- gallery. At first not so loud but bing knives of Limerick I shoot For example, the one right in slowly growing in intensity. a piper up the pipe and she’s front of me to my left, in par- struggling to get away (you ticular: watching me and cross- “Your socks suck!!!” know, for APPEARANCE sake), ing her skirted legs. Crossing which is , of course an impos- them back. And forth. Back. And Oh yeah. I’ve seen her. A nice, sibility and the crowd grows a forth. Spreading them slowly stocky, pierced lipped piece of little quieter when I produce and then crossing them. Leaning ass who WANTS TO BE PART OF THE COCK and she redoubles, waaaaayyyy over to pick up that THE SHOWÖ. in earnest now, her efforts to which I can’t discern needs to be flee and Niko finally calls a halt picked up until I understand that “My socks suck, eh?” And I’m to the clumsy and embarrassing it picked up exactly what it was looking at my pimp socks, which spectacle and the songs continue intended to pick up: my atten- I wear because they’re easy to but now the party is ON and ALL tion. wash and I mean who the fuck of the women, now somewhat comes to an OXBOW show who surer of my sexual orientation are And sitting next to her is a stony cares about my socks. acting up. faced stabber.

“Yesss!!! They’re terrible. I’m a There’s one in the back who is “Hey. Is that your boyfriend?” stylist and I can tell youÖ.” proffering her tits like two high held coconuts. Waving. Point- Pause. A little longer than neces- And I start shouting over her ing. Gesticulating. Urging me sary. while I dismount the stage, “A ONNNNNN. STYLISTÖHOW INTERESTINGÖ.” “Yeah.” She said it like it was a And it’s sooooo different from question. And as I get closer and closer a Van Halen show that it sort to her I hear her say, “Just take of needs to be explained or at “What kind of maniac are YOU? them off!!!” least drawn in stronger strokes. Bringing your girlfriend, so young I mean this is not done because and HOT to a fucking OXBOW “I’ll take them off right AFTER I they want US, like at a Van Halen show?” He says nothing and now I can’t Hahahahahahahahahahahaha- remember if I rub her leg or just haÖ.Yeah yeah. Cultural stereo- THINK about rubbing her leg but types are total bullshit. Fehhhh- whatever and then the show is hhÖ. over and I’m standing in the mid- dle of the crowd, because there But we go back to the promot- was no stage proper, naked with er’s house and eat like fucking my clothes in my hands and my Turks and then out comes march- socks on. ing the vodka and juice and wine and there’s LA CONFIDENTIAL “Here.” And it’s the STYLIST. on the TV and when the girl with the legs crossing and uncrossing “Ah. THE STYLIST is giving me a shows up with her knife-wielding secret note.” boyfriend, the evening is damned near complete. Except I pass my “Well it’s justÖ” glass from where I sit on the couch to Dan and scream And reading the note I take note of her phone number and an ad- “FUEL ME UP!!!” ditional notation that said “you rocked!!! But lose the socks!!” I Which is just code for “THE EVE- laugh, she explains that she’s not NING HAS JUST BEGUN.” really one of the stabbing Irish tribes from around these a’here And then there’s that stumbling parts but that she had to go dance as the young couple tries because she had to get up early to decide who is going to sit for work. where and I start patting the couch next to me “What do you do--I mean outside of roving fashion cri- “Oh yeah. RIGHT here!!!” tiqueóthat you need to be up at .MAKE...MY...MOVE. HE’S FINGERING HIS ICE PICK WHILE HE WAITS FOR ME 6 AM?” TO...MAKE...MY...MOVE. And she starts maneuvering her “I work in a bar!” ass RIGHT HERE her boyfriend, surer than any fucking hockey camera and then make for bed. rain and onto the ground by the player, slides his ass right where Liffey river. The one woman we my hand is, forcing her to sit as No one asks me where I’m going stopped for directions ranting far from me on the couch as the with that recently taken photo, a strangely and lacking coherence couch will allow. glass of vodka and a towel. And regarding the fact that she didn’t it’s sort of just as well. believe that she “was the ONE,” “Hey motherfucker,” I start. and finally the well-dressed “Your girlfriend can’t sit next to STUMBLING IN DUBLIN business man who in the middle me?” of the crosswalk acted out this Of course we’ve been here be- entire pantomime that seemed “Hi. I play drums in the band fore. Not before like when we to consist solely of JERK OFF mo- that played with you last night in recorded with MARIANNE FAITH- tions and the universally appreci- Cork.” FULL back in 1998 or whenever ated FUCK YOU salute. the fuck it is (my sense of time is I don’t know what this means, I destroyed. DESTROYED. Which Yup. Just how we left it. don’t know what this means, I makes it really HARD for such an don’t know what this means; ex- INVETERATE liar like me) that we I had once read in a collegiate cept: I don’t get to sit next to the were here PISSING (not shitting study of James Joyce that it was ONLY woman in the whole fuck- as I had originally reported) into figured out at some point that ing house/building/block/world. U2’s drum kit at Windmill Lane like 50 percent of the Irish popu- where we recorded her stuff for lace had sought help for mental But that’s OK and I compliment SERENADE IN RED. I mean BE- “issues” ranging from depression his band because they were FORE as in a few days ago when to full-blown fucking lunacy. good but not letting this genuine Niko dragged us here to the moment of bonhomie interfere renegade guitar techs house. He Which means if you’re hanging with my desire to establish real of the glue-filled garage. He who out in Dublin with two people contact with someone who would work his magic upon the one of them is a fucking lunatic. doesn’t have a COCK I just stare guitar that Niko busted the head at her and stare at her and stare off of in the middle of the set at PERFECT. at her. And he’s sitting up and DOUR. back and up and back, trying to We get over to Whelans and block my view and I think fuck So coming back it’s no surprise I meet my friend and damned it and snap off a photo with my that it is exactly how we left it. decent guy Declan, who plays “only holds 2000 photos” digital Raining. Guys stumbling in the in the great band Clann Zu, but who is also an animator extraor- going out of style. “KETAMINE?” dinaire and much more impor- tantly part of the Universal Broth- That’s when I am approached by “Isn’t that a horse tranquilizer?” erhood of Bouncers, or UBB, a man who introduces himself as which of course I am a member “Why no. It’s in fact an anesthet- of. Except at least here the UBB “Happy.” ic most widely used at this point members are actually licensed used for subhuman primates and by the state, have to take exams “What?” small children. Which makes it and usually wear suits. largely appropriate in my case. It “Happy?” had been used for adults but the WAIT ONE FUCKING hallucinations were so horrible MINUTEÖwhat kind of exams? “Why yes, I’m fine thanks.” that they discontinued its use. So you’re sure?” You are faced with a belligerent “No. My name is Happy.” drunk you “Oh no. I mean yes. I’m fine. “Ah. I see. And how are you Well I mean I will have some a) kick him in the yobs and haul spelling that?” later.” him outside b) kick him in the yobs, haul him “Hopi. Just the way it sounds.” “Cool.” outside, kick him in the yobs again Yeah yeah, OK, now I know who Of course later he says he re- c) kick him in the yobs, kick him this is. This is the fella who is members he has to drive and he in the yobs, kick him in the yobs promoting this show, who spent begs off but in begging off I see d) try to get over on his now the preceding months being a strange look in his eye that I sobbing girlfriend very vocal about how we made can’t quite place. I gotta keep e) ALL OF THE GODDAMNED him uneasy and nervous and my eye on this one, I think, as ABOVE that perhaps he wouldn’t even he walks away thinking “I gotta BE at the show because he felt keep my eyes on this one.” Anyways, we’re here, ensconced so uneasy so it was really my in another semi-plush backstage job to make him feel a little bit Which is the totally right re- area and enjoying ourselves, better so, in my desire to do so, sponse as the subterranean and which in this instance means when he offers me some HASH creeping sense of violence that’s choking back red wine, for the to smoke I beg off and offer him slinking through the accumu- health benefits, like red wine was one better. lated days and nights of narcotic drool seems to indicate that THIS and I’m glad her band does not land. COULD BE THE ONE. suck because I hate to lie be- cause I have to. I’m much more And the pills are calling from Now when we usually use that of a recreational prevaricateurÖ. beyond the dunes. phrase in an OXBOW context that means only 10 people will “Hey Eugene? What was that show up and this is the show guy’s name who gave us that HOME OF ELVIS AND ANCIENT where that’ll happen. thing?” GREEKS

In my PERSONAL context how- “Steven.” I sleep the ENTIRE way. I have no ever at this point in time it means idea how long I slept. No idea. that despite the failure of the “Are you sure?” But I finally wake up next to a UK contingent of NO HOLD’S bottle of piss and a club where BARRED fighters that had been “Oh yeahhhhhÖ..” I hear the inimitable sounds of beating the hustings over the last music. recent few weeks, angered by In any case they don’t suck, we my well-intentioned jibe at some don’t have to lie, the show rips “Is that somebody soundcheck- local fighters in GRAPPLING from start to finish and I burn ing?” magazine, to kick my ass at one myself several more times on of these shows, some transfor- things on stage, but outside of Manuel, rubbing his face and mative violence was a’brewing. that no incident. looking miserable in only the way In my head. In the air. Oh just an all day drive can make you, about everywhere. And post-show drink, drink, says “It’s the band that plays drink, drive, drive, drive, and before you.” But the bands opening for us are maxing and relaxing in the most playing and they are cool. Eaesa delightful of ways passed out on “What the fuck?” Peasa, which is Gaelic for some- the floor of Clauda’s, because thing or other, is cute and when that was the singer’s name, nice “We’re a little late.” we come out to watch them suburban house, I am in heaven. play, I can see the joy register And so we are and we hup our on their faces and I think it’s Of course that’s before I find out 2500 pounds worth of equip- touching that at least SOMEONE we have another long drive and ment up a twisting spiral stair- is glad to see us. Turns out that a ferry ride and more long driv- case at a club called the Jug of we’re staying with their singer ing to get to Birmingham, Eng- Ale, where we see the band in front of us doing some muscular, OK. Yes, we cede right away. shouting boy music. YOU WIN.

The promoter, whose name I’ve And as I sit in the dirty and stink also forgotten, was this very cool stained chair at stage back and woman who was saying that she smile at their drummer and his thought we weren’t going to chatter genially, I start to feel show but was glad that we did like I want to murder him. Just and did we want anything and to fucking MURDER him. NOT be- try to shake my cobwebs I asked cause he’s a bad guy or because for the thing that does it every I believe for a second that mu- time: meat. sic is sports but just because to echo Picasso’s dying words to his “Do you have any meat?” sonÖ GOOD. GLAD TO SEE YOU MADE IT TO HELL. “No. We’re vegetarians.” “You’re young. I’m old. I wish you were dead.” Jesus. Just my luck that our first VEGAN FUCK YOU MEAT FUCKS Indeed. show should be the one wherein I MOST need the magical cura- And we play and I see them tive powers of MEAT. Ah well. peeking from backstage and after we play they’re gone. I’m The Boy band, I think they were gone. called Witness, leave the stage feeling pretty happy about them- Replaced with the now scream- selves, like only 20 year olds can. ing sound man. Everything in their walk and their talk to us suggests that in their “You, well HE,” he says talking mystical competitive world of to Dan, “owe me 140 quid for music as a team sport that they that mic you, well HE,” he kind have preliminarily KICKED OUR of stage whispers on the stage, ASSES. “broke.” Dan says “You mean the one pounds for it.” free meat absented meat dinner that’s working right now?” thing and I start to feel a bit bet- “But then I don’t have a mic.” ter. And the party is A-OK and I “Well we don’t know that.” even meet someone who knows This fuck is looking for an ass- our friend Russell, formerly with “Well we just played a whole kicking so I pipe up. Terminal Cheesecake who has re- show with it. Moreover so did all ported that Russell is fine though of the bands here tonight. And it “Tell you what we’re going to he had recently gone through still works.” do. We’ll sell you BACK that mic a rough 6 months there awhile for 40 pounds.” back. The pathetic Barney Rubblesque sound man starts pointing to the And everyone is quiet and we are Well what was the problem? windscreen and saying “but but all just staring at each other and but it COULD break tomorrow.” I’m waiting for the God Signal to “Well he couldn’t get his jacket start smiting people and he just off.” And I mumble under my breath, says, “ok.” “and you could die today.” “What?” Dan says OK and catastrophe has But Dan continues “look we’re been averted. And then is almost “The zipper got stuck on his NOT going to pay you NEW mic subsequently derailed because he jacket and he couldn’t really prices for an old VD-encrusted continues his disgusting hippie get it off so he just wore it for mic. We’ll fix your wind screenÖ” whining until I remember what 6 months straight until it had happened: I smashed the mic worked itself open.” “Yeah but what if it breaks to- because the mic had come lose morrow?” from the cord because no one I am in shock. had taped it. He’s lucky he’s not “Well that would have little to do wearing the mic like a tampon. “How did he wash?” with us.” But, the bed, the bed, where’s “I guess just UNDER the coat.” “But it would fuck meÖI mean the bed? this is my business. And I have a Fuck. I love Russell. If I could be funeral to go to and Ö.” And off to the promoter’s house responsible for a single act of ge- where a party is ensuing and I nius as significant as any ONE of “Ok, ok, okÖ.we’ll give you 60 eat some meatless fucking meat his MANY I’d die a happy man. free meat absented meat dinner YUP. THIS IS THE ONE thing and I start to feel a bit bet- ter. And the party is A-OK and I Dig ëem Stix. Hacky Sacks. Back even meet someone who knows packs. Check Check Check. our friend Russell, formerly with We’re officially at a festival. In Terminal Cheesecake who has re- Bristol Robert Plant is headlin- ported that Russell is fine though ing actually on the stage right he had recently gone through next to ours. We harbor pathetic a rough 6 months there awhile dreams that maybe he’ll see us back. play until we see him alight in a helicopter and zap off straight Well what was the problem? away to a hospitality bus big- ger than our houses. But we’re “Well he couldn’t get his jacket ensconced on a nice urine-free THE PROMOTERS: YES YES GREAT. NOW GET THE FUCK off.” (we hope) section of sod, where OUT OF OUR HOUSE. I’m more than glad to park it “What?” after ripping open my calf on the giant-I-should-have-fucking-seen- “The zipper got stuck on his them tent pegs that are sticking jacket and he couldn’t really like 2 feet out of the ground. A get it off so he just wore it for festival that incidentally all we 6 months straight until it had know about it is what one of the worked itself open.” wags on the OXBOW web site described as a sad, sordid affair I am in shock. that stank of fear and regret and that would feature an audience “How did he wash?” of people laughing at us and throwing things. “I guess just UNDER the coat.” So in other words: yup! We were Fuck. I love Russell. If I could be ready. responsible for a single act of ge- nius as significant as any ONE of But first we wander the grounds his MANY I’d die a happy man. amongst thousands and thou- sands of Brits. playing in the BLACKOUT tent. This is the tent for EXPERIMEN- Brits drinking beer. Brits smoking TAL AUDIO-VISUAL ARTS and weed. Brits breaking dancing. behind the V-shaped stage you’d Brits cheering the Brits break- find mounted huge screens for dancing. One Brit woman who experimental visual arts of all was doing a solo wave. Brit sorts. I idly wonder, as Eraser- bungee jumpers all frolicking and head spools onto the screen reveling in a nice summer’s day right before we play and I glance that celebrated if nothing else, back at the legions of mictura- their god give Brit right to hear tors relieving themselves no more Madness Cover bands play One than 10 yards from where we Step Beyond. are, the soft aroma of hippie piss wafting over us, if they will show I was confused. any porno.

When you get these many Brits Probably not. together it usually feels like the extras set on Braveheart or some But my mood at this point in such shit. Dudes in kilts and time could best be described as that barely submerged bellicos- MURDEROUS and with the addi- ity that seems to be the exclu- tion of the A&R fellow here from sive provence of Brits and their Virgin Records who is dunning American cousins, but this vibe Niko with the fact that he’s the really befits the Hustling Hacky A& R fellow from Virgin Records, Sack Kingdom of Bristol and amused. That’s right. MURDER- we’re lulled, especially after our OUS and AMUSED. 6000 calorie dinner into a slum- bery sense of security. MURDEROUS because Jesus I’m tired and just want to die and Yeah. Welcome to the 5 O’Clock there is no wine, nothing but Foreshadow. dreadlocked dudes in shorts, and the smelly smell smell of human GO THAT WAY. YES. YES. THAT WAY TO GET FUCKED. Appropriate then that we’re piss. AMUSED because Jesus I’m tired wanting a divorce.” That’s ment as THE moment to try to and just want to die and there what’s different about this tour. fucking PUNK ME OUT. I start ad- is no wine, nothing but dread- In the screaming maw of ROAD vancing on him and he retreats locked dudes in shorts, and the ROAD ROAD we are all lostóand to the safety of the dark and the smelly smell smell of human piss. quiet quiet--in contemplation of crowd and I relax. But then he all of what that means. Which is comes back when song ends and But when we start to play an not a goddamned thing. Asphalt, says as clearly as he can muster: interesting thing happens. Since rubber, diesel fuel and the illu- my life is stitched up and not sion of GETTING some place that YOUR VOCALS ARE NOT LOUD really existing except as way is some other place other than ENOUGH. stations between sleep, leaving that place where we die. me with the altogether strange And I repeat this into the mic sensation that we haven’t played Ah, well like Peggy Lee said, IF and I want to kill Manuel be- 20 or so separate shows but just THAT’S ALL THERE IS, well let’s cause well outside of the mic one very very long one, I don’t keep dancing. Break out the not being taped to the cord and have a sense of what I’m doing booze and have a ball. Or two. no meat in the evening’s meal, except as it exists on the con- there’s nothing else that makes tinuum of The Set That Lasts a And so we do and the show is me testierÖin the rock and roll Month, and so when I find us CRUISINGÖalongÖsurfing into infantile tantrum type of way. on the stage AGAIN and I see the surf of crowd and disco the crowd screaming AGAIN women up front rubbing them- And the sad fact that I’ve almost and the noise is aswirl AGAIN, I selves and pulling open their shirt beaten a seemingly decent guy easily have to remind myself that fronts, and it’s alright. to death is lost on me because AGAIN is a fiction and that I’ve suddenly some wag from the never really been anywhere else UntilÖ.a guy up front who had audience decides that thing he but here. spoken to me earlieróhe toured most need to do in the world is with BLACK HEART PROCESSION to And HERE is the stage at the and knew all about our neck of Orange Ashton Court. the woods and was niceóis now TRY AND PULL EUGENE’S UN- screaming up at me. And I’m DERWEAR OFF. Strange place. Strange tour. watching him. And he’s scream- APOCALYPSE NOW comes back ing and I don’t know what I give him what’s called a Ham- to me again. “I hardly said any- he’s saying but I think that tis a mer Blow to the temple and he thing ëtil I said yes to my wife’s shame that he picked THIS mo- staggers back and into a place where I can’t see him anymore EDGE, hence the better recall). “And his response is, ëFuck and I know that this is the mo- You.’” ment of all moments that I’ve “Hey you remember that movie been waiting for as I advance to about those guys trying to ship “Very close to my own re- the stage edge and jump in after dynamite through The Amazon? sponse.” him and then I see him cower- It was called Sorcerer.” ing back and against a crowd But the conversation goes on that won’t let him through and And Greg says “what?” and on and on until I gobble my a biggish fellow near the front last mystery pill and run away makes the good Samaritan move “Sorcerer.” to my room with him screaming to try and protect him until I turn in the background, “Californian on him and he backs the fuck up “What’s that? A guy who works English is the purest English on and I stand there weaving in full with cups and saucers?” this planet. That’s why everyone animal brain mode, pictures of us can understand US!!!” dancing on the screens behind “A wizard. What the fuck is us 16 feet tall and we stand like wrong with you?” It is quite clear that he has gone this for a good long while until insane. I’m sure they’re finished and I’m “Why the fuck aren’t you pro- back on stage with a 2 by 4 that nouncing that word right? What We sleep. Wake. Have not a I found and am now wielding the hell is a ëSaw-cerer’?” bad breakfast by British stan- and the women up front are now dards and sit in the van and stroking my cock and rubbing my “It’s the way a tired and cranky wait for Niko and St Elisabeth legs, but I’m expecting the now New Yorker says SORCERER.” to leisurely munch through their faced Big Fella to yank my ankles breakfast and newspaper until from under me so I keep my eye “Fuck that. That’s just wrong. I they are rousted by the now- on him and we play and play and mean my father’s the same fuck- peeved Manuel the Swiss who play through the set and encores ing way. He calls that color over is still amazed that had he not and then it’s over. there YELLA. I mean he knows interrupted Niko in all likelihood it’s YELLOW, but he persists in would have finished his break- Back to the hotel, back through ignorantly calling it YELLA.” fast, shaved, showered and then the piss and into the first and maybe wandered by the van, only inter-band conversation “And do you correct him too?” surprised perhaps to see us irked. that I remember from this tour Ah, it is the Last Picture Show (as I played this show STRAIGHT “Hell yeah!” relaxation mode. Or the Let It All Go mode. Or I’m Fixing to Die idea that we are anything other high note. In fact it’s be down- mode. Or maybe just the old guy than 5 American smiling faces right disturbing if it worked any on the road mode. (including Fozzy) but she doesn’t other way than how it did with give a fuck and she lards us with some guy from the audience food and drink and the promoter kicking up some shit. SHE SHARES YOUR LONDON FLAT, fella comes around too, was SHE THINKS THAT LONDON’S WHERE TOBY his name? And everything And I don’t know who’s doing IT’S AT is A-OK. what. And I don’t know why they’re So here we are. The pills are And the bands playing before doing it. gone. This show is our last. And us are coolóCapricorn with their All I know is that when Dad I feel the grasping jaws of noth- singer who has got one of those jumps down onto the dancefloor ingness snapping up for me. I great New York-London accents the scuffling needs to stop. don’t want to go home, I don’t after spending the last 12 years want to stay here. in old Blimey. And the guys in, Not because Dad doesn’t like and I know I will fuck this up, it when you scuffle. Dad would Fuck Jeff Wilson. The Art of Burning Water, were indeed prefer you scuffle ALL the all cool and buoyed my mood time. But because Dad is an ego- I’ve taken to just wandering off. substantially. maniac and Dad is Boss and Dad From soundchecks, from shows, is a fucker with a cock. And Dad and I half way imagine wonder- And so it was when we played. doesn’t want to hit you but he’ll ing off like fucking David Carra- And the show is going along have to if he has to and enjoy it dine, barefoot and fighting any- swimmingly. I see the girls from while he does it. one who calls me CHINAMAN. Nottingham here again and they And the thought of this buoys look good enough to eat. We In other words, Dad was looking my mood. Substantially. And the have friends here from Dublin, for someone like you tonight. club attachÈ SHARON reminds from Cardiff, all over this fuck- me of an old den mother and ing UK and they all look good And I edge closer to the guy and she’s puttering around mumbling enough to eat and I’m feeling he looks vaguely familiar but the about how cool SEPULTURA are alright. pre-show wine is strangling up and I’m talking to her and she’s my mind and so I can’t place him alright and funny and of course But, and I’m sure you can feel and we catch eyes and he does a has seen 1000 bands and will see this coming, it wouldn’t be an pirouette and switches his ass at 1000 more and doesn’t have any OXBOW show if it ended on a me in what seems to be high- spirited merriment and both Dad don’t know which so I tell Fozzy And apologize. And this two-step and I decide that it’s nap time for to keep an eye for bottles and if goes on for awhile. He states his Junior and so we punch him in one flies, he’s to point out who bona fides. I apologize. And it the face just hard enough to put threw it and I’d handle the rest. ends and it’s over. It’s all over. him down but not hard enough Finito. Nothing left but the driv- too break his cheek bones. But no bottle came, a few of the ing and the flying and midway braver photogs return to the pit through the latter I remember And it’s like Mighty Fucking Joe and the show ended. the punchline: he was also the Young went nuts. Photographers guy at ICA who was throwing are scrambling out from stage Or it did when Junior came up to ice, lemons, and small lit ciga- side, the audience is backing up, me and said “do you remember rettes at me while I played. fear, dread and real panic seem me?” to be the watch words of this He fucking Ed Norton’ed me. wonderfully fashionable sum- “No. Well you look familiar.” mer collection and so it is that I Goddamn it. HahahÖOXBOW’s remount the stage. “I drum for Nought. We played Number One UK Fan is totally with you last time at the ICA. insane. And into the next song and I’ve seen every show you’ve ever Junior is back and this time I played in England. I own all of Yeah. And the world is OK after hit him with the mic stand and your records. I even won that all. announce to no one in particu- t-shirt for having been the only lar that if ANYone in the house person who had also seen you cared at all about this man that play in 1990 at the Union Tavern. END-END-END they save him now before it was And I was trying to dance to- TOO LATE. A moment that was night and people in the audience quickly approaching as I watch were being all stiff and giving me him writhe under where I’ve shit and then next thing I know smashed him with the mic stand. you fucking hit me. It wasn’t as hard as I thought it might be but And I see a rush and people are it was hard enough.” ministering unto him until a few songs later I see him standing He says this all without the there, apparently enjoying the slightest hint of recrimination show. Or plotting his revenge. I and I feel horrible and say so.