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2003 Second European Tour Diary

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2003 Second European Tour Diary 2003 / 2nd EUROPEAN TOUR DIARY Germany Austria France Belgium England Ireland “WEEK BEFORE 2ND BIRTHDAY. thereby force him to finish work DADDY WAS PAINTING LIVING RM. on my 1965 Chevy Muscle car, GENE’S FAVORITE T.V. SHOW WAS when I’m approached by her. ON. YEAH MICKEY!” OXBOW Her: 5’4”. 250 pounds. Wearing So let’s start this out ass first. a t-shirt and tights. An absolute Like we like our stories. Like we fucking serenade in duotone. like our fucks. Like we like every- thing we hate: we mean we’d “Would you like to buy some- rather watch it like it was leaving thing, sir?” more than we’d like to see it the other way around and so it is And my jetlag remedy, which that I’m sitting in my driveway in I now know to not work, of the fucking green hornet green staying up all night the night cop car-Ford LTD that was Greg before, passing out in the rear Davis’ way of buying me off of aisle of the plane, and staggering my forestated plan to hire mob- through the California bus sys- underling Ricky Citizen to break tem on the way home, has me at least one of his hands and watching her carefully. I mean she’s real, right? This isn’t an “Is it used?” Because I’m in absolute misery after Oxbow show halluciginational and here I go trundling down attack is it? Or maybe she’s just hit- “Oh, no, sir.” the total road to gayness by ting on me? referencing Apocalypse Now! I “Then forget it.” mean I always thought it a bit “Like what?” naÔf when Rollins did it. Always Welcome Back to California!!! felt that it was a bit like writing “Well maybe something nice for Zofo on your pants. Or like air your lady.” guitaring to “SCHOOL’S OUT” at THE FESTIVALS OF FUCK or HOW WE quitting time for your minimum- And she’s doing that homeless/ TOURED ON AN EVIL HEAT BEYOND wage fuck you job. crazy grab and scrabble through ANY SENSIBLE PERSONS ABILITY TO a grime-encrusted plastic bag of DO SO, STAND IT, OR UNDERSTAND HOWEVER, I was just listening to unknown origin, make and model IT. the soundtrack (I know, I KNOW before finally extracting this clear it IS pathetic) and having an in- bottle thingie with a blue spray tip Now where the fuck was I? credible moment of John Milius- on it. itis during Willard’s speechÖ Oh yes: Fuck Jeff Wilson. “Like a disposable douche?” WHEN I WAS THERE I WANTED I mean I LIKE Jeff Wilson, but TO BE HERE. AND WHEN I WAS And this is the part that I wanted since my every thought turns to HERE I WANTED TO BE THERE. to get to. The part when I look suicide, EXACTLY like they did at in her eyes as clearly and with the conclusion of the last tour Jesus. Truer words were never as great an intensity as I’ve ever I feel compelled to forestall his spoken Now I’m not even going looked into any lover’s eyes to see highly sensible, existential riposte to venture down that road of buried deep inside the narcotic about how my so-called prob- comparing touring to Vietnam ooze and rumble of insanity a sly lems are really just “so-called” like it’s all that fucking tough to eye and smile that seems to indi- and have no bearing or weight tour but it IS disorienting and cate in the “real” world where can- even at this writing I don’t know cer is a killer, disintegration is the date, the day, the time, and 1) she’s laughing at me inevitable and hearts are crushed just barely the month. This is not 2) she’s laughing WITH me EVERYDAY. hard. I mean this is not the hard 3) she’s a total fucking lunatic part. Not being used to being either way Fuck you, Jeff. here is the tough part and so these days I’m spending these The generic band arriving in and generalized feeling of well days doing a lot of sitting on the town is the CAUSE. being I’d have to pay for when edge of my bed, staring at my the magic juice stopped. feet and waiting for my dog to The grand glee and jubilation is die and am in abject, teenage the EFFECTÖ.however not being And like all good things it DID, misery. cut from the same cloth as Philip Stop that is. The Magic Juice. Michael Thomas who was once Gone. Done. Done for. Fin. WHY? quoted as saying “I AM CHRIST- MAS,” we come to understand, With overriding feelings of joyful WHY? usually the hard way, that WE rage and merriment replaced ARE NOT THE EFFECT. with gun-barrel fellating sorrows. For the same goddamned reason that I was LAST time. WE ARE NOT CHRISTMAS. And so it goes: joyful rage. Mer- riment. Suicidal. Gun-sucking. 1) NO SEX AND DRUGS FOR IAN! WE ARE NOT JUBILATION. 2) GAS STATIONS But see now I’ve given the god- 3) GROCERY STORES We, however, ARE damned ending away. Shit. 4) TRAFFIC JAMS and 5) POVERTY 1) delusional Well let’s flip the ass to the back 2) ego-maniacal and start in on happier moreÖ- The sandpaper of modern living. 3) and for some measure of time carefree times. Times when the totally convinced of our divine wine poured, when the sluts See, as the touring Demiurge we status and bearing. were hot and thick, and the float across continent and pro- fistfights were lusty and I slept vide a framework whereby the I mean what I’m saying is that under the cross-cutting influence “NATIVES” can get a glimpse of it’s like taking steroids. of every single pill I gobbled, something/someplace that is not having long since forgotten what THAT place and as messengers of Now the first time I took steroids they were and what they did. this GOOD news, or in OXBOW’s I had NO IDEA what the fuck I case: cock, fistfights and general- was doing, despite having done In other words let’s start at the ized and non-specific threatening all of the requisite research. But start. behaviors of all types, it becomes one thing I soon figured out was quite easy for us to confuse the that as MUCH as I TOOK and as cause and the effect. HIGH as I got on fuck, fantasy THE PLANE RIDE 1) I ask for drugs Standing in the middle of a 2) People send me drugs stadium show by Xavier Naidoo, Went like this: 3) I lose the label/listing for a german pop sensation on par whatever the drugs were when with an R. Kelly you might be Terror they came from the pharmacy wondering, much like I was, why Terror and end up with a fistful of mys- the fuck I was here. Well some Horrible Movie tery pills and TV producer friends who are Seat Companion with a Cock and 4) In a state of the union deci- mulling over doing a package a Ponytail (Said not a single word sion to clear the cabinets I start on TRACKS, a widely watched to him in 12 hours) gobbling all of the mystery tab- and appreciated TV show, have Terror lets with the unstated intention dragged us here. Sky Sluts screaming LENNY being to have them all consumed KRAVITZ at me. by end of tour. Or at least 10 “We’re space viruses. And the Customs stooges screaming o’clock tonight. ancient Sumerians were vectors.” LENNY KRAVITZ at me. And finally So when this fella comes up to We pause and watch the me- BERLIN. me and says diocre R&B stylings of Naidoo, complete with a surprise inter- Manuel from SPLATTER PROMO- “My name is Germ.” ruption by RZA from the Wu TION shows up, Fozzy, stage Tang Clan (who I think is to hip dude extraordinaire, sneaks up I’m not sure if it’s him or the hop what OXBOW is to, ah, behind me and we whisk it all purples talking. well, serial sex abuse) and then into the city via bus with me idly pause in that moment when the wondering “has the swastika “Jeremy?” I say, mishearing the sight of 50,000 Germans cheer- been totally discredited here as tallish, bald record producer. ing and raising their fists, hands, a result of that little Nazi pas de and lighters to the Northern deux?” “GERM. My intelligence is totally Light tinged Berlin-night sky just vertical and I’m telling you that reminds of us of, uh, HAPPIER But we haven’t even played a the Egyptians stole everything times in Germany. Times when a show yet. Not even a SINGLE from the ancient Sumerians who man could BE a man and chase SHOW and here I am already on got it from off of THIS planet. the Jew of his choice through the Planet Oxbow. We were created by an intelli- cobbled streets!!! Those heady gence off of this planet.” times. See it goes like this: We shudder and move on. of said apartment neither an- swered nor called the cops. Per- “So that’s why I call myself haps he believed I WAS the cops. Germ.” Well in a country where sum- mary arrests are probably routine “What does your mother call no harm, no foul.
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