Torah-Observant Jewish Married Couples: the Influence of Mandated Abstinence Of
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Torah-Observant Jewish Married Couples: The Influence of Mandated Abstinence of Physical Touch and Marital Maintenance by Melissa Wallace Framer Black A Dissertation Presented in Partial Fulfillment of the Requirements for the Degree Doctor of Philosophy Approved May 2020 to the Graduate Supervisory Committee: Jonathan Pettigrew, Co-Chair Anthony Roberto, Co-Chair Marilyn Thompson ARIZONA STATE UNIVERSITY August 2020 ABSTRACT Maintaining sexual desire as the marriage endures is a challenge, especially as it involves the interplay of seemingly opposing tensions of novelty, autonomy, and closeness. Difficulties can arise when autonomy, which requires spousal distancing, is perceived as a martial threat and therefore suppressed. This dissertation investigates whether prosocial marital distancing can nurture autonomy and promote sexual desire. Torah-observant Jewish married couples practice family purity, a Jewish law forbidding sexual relations during menstruation and shortly thereafter. During this time couples often avoid sleeping in the same bed, physical touch, and behaviors that can instigate a sexual encounter. These distancing restrictions are lifted when the wife immerses in a ritual bath. The process repeats at the next menstruation. This research examined the effects of family purity’s marital distancing through two studies. The first involved qualitative interviews of family purity wives (N = 10) guided by relational dialectics theory (Baxter & Montgomery, 1996). Study one findings suggest that family purity wives navigate the three tensions of integration, expression, and certainty. Study one also revealed a new tension, the dialect of restraint. The dialectic of restraint appears to enhance marital communication, heighten the appreciation for the mundane, and help sustain sexual desire. Study two, the quantitative phase of the research, applied self-expansion theory (Aron & Aron, 1986) to investigate differences between family purity and non-family purity couples. A sample of 90 married Jewish dyads (N = 180) participated in a cross- sectional online questionnaire. Findings suggest that while non-practicing couples report greater self-expansion, family purity couples report greater sexual closeness. Family i purity couples also report the same closeness and sexual closeness ideals, whereas non- practicing couples reported divergent ideals. Non-practicing family purity husbands had the greatest reported discrepancy between ideal and actual sexual closeness. The combined findings suggest that sanctioned prosocial distancing as practiced by family purity couples enables the integration of cognitive growth and mitigates the threat of autonomy. Prosocial distancing within the family purity marriage appears to provide the wife space for autonomy that in turn provokes novelty and sexual desire. Findings are discussed in relation to theoretical contributions, study limitations, and future directions. ii DEDICATION For my babies, Joseph Samuel Carey Black and Sophie Elizabeth Carey Black. Thank you, God, for this privilege and honor. iii ACKNOWLEDGMENTS Completing a dissertation truly takes a village. First and foremost, thank you to my mother, Miranda, for lovingly looking after Joseph and Sophie so I could focus on this project. Having my babies while writing this dissertation would have been unmanageable without you. To my father, my aba, Mory, thank you for your unconditional support and love in all that I do and for your dedication to my success. To my sister, Francesca, thank you for always being there to listen, pour a glass of wine, and make me laugh. To Meri Sue, Paul, Lexi and Parker, we are so lucky to be so close emotionally and geographically. Thank you to my mother-in-law, Suzie, for your love and encouragement. To my partner in life, my loving husband, my number one fan, David. Your unwavering support and encouragement during this marathon gave me strength when I felt weak and hope when I felt discouraged. May we always support each other and our growth as we build our beautiful family, side by side. I am so proud of this life we are building. I am forever grateful for my supportive committee, Drs. Jonathan Pettigrew, Anthony Roberto, and Marilyn Thompson. Thank you for supporting my decision to grow my family while writing this dissertation. Dr. Pettigrew, you are an all-star. You were always available to work through challenging ideas, proofreading some pretty horrible first drafts, and motivating me to just keep going. I feel so fortunate to have had your guidance and mentorship, both academically and personally. To my gatekeeper: without you, this study would not have been possible. To Daniel Coven: thank you for your many hours helping me with statistics and for your encouragement. To Kristen Foht, thank you for your editing brilliance. iv To my wonderful and inspiring friends across the country and globe: Lara Svedin, Caitlin Curry, Jaime Cohen, Aliza Heiligman, Nayha Ikram, Rachel Mervis, Dr. Versha Anderson, and Shauna Schmeisser. I love you all so much. Dr. Versha Anderson, you walked me back from many cliffs. I cannot count how many times I called you crying, saying it was too hard to finish my dissertation with little babies and no sleep. You always answered the phone, were always there to help, encourage a nap, a chat, and ultimately re-set my compass to point me in the best direction to face the finish line. Thank you. Lastly, to my amazing tribe of mothers: Dr. Sarah Wypizinski, Lindsey Goldsmith-Weiss, Sharri Finkelstein, Jessica Englander, Leah Amiot, and Rebecca Feinman. Mothering would be so lonely without you. I am so grateful for our daily messages of support, encouragement, and humor as we figure out how to parent our children. I am so grateful to Jewish Baby University for these life-long friendships. v TABLE OF CONTENTS Page LIST OF TABLES ................................................................................................................... ix LIST OF FIGURES .................................................................................................................. x CHAPTER 1 INTRODUCTION ................................................................................................... 1 Family Purity ........................................................................................................... 4 Benefits of Family Purity ..................................................................................... 6 Family Purity in Biblical and Rabbinic Law ....................................................... 7 Outcomes of Family Purity ................................................................................ 10 2 MARITAL MAINTENANCE ............................................................................... 13 Theoretical Foundations ........................................................................................ 16 3 STUDY ONE: RELATIONAL DIALECTIC THEORY ..................................... 17 Assumptions of RDT ............................................................................................. 18 Research Question ................................................................................................. 20 Methods .................................................................................................................. 21 Interview Procedures .......................................................................................... 21 Recruitment ......................................................................................................... 22 Participants .......................................................................................................... 23 Procedures ........................................................................................................... 23 Measures and Instrumentation ........................................................................... 24 Qualitative Data Analysis ................................................................................... 24 Findings ................................................................................................................ 26 vi CHAPTER Page Dialectic of Integration: Connection-Autonomy ................................................. 27 No Questions Asked ......................................................................................... 27 Dialectic of (Un)Certainty: Novelty-Predictability ........................................... 28 Dialectic of Expression: Openness-Closedness ................................................. 30 Dialectic of Desire: Friend-Lover ...................................................................... 32 Maintenance during Niddah, the Mikveh Night, and Tehora ........................... 36 Maintenance during Niddah/ Navigating the dialectic of restraint ................ 36 Sexual Desire ................................................................................................. 36 Nurturing Friendship ..................................................................................... 37 Verbalizing Closeness ................................................................................... 39 Cognitive Maintenance .................................................................................. 40 Maintenance Behaviors: The Mikveh Night................................................... 42 Prioritizing “Your Day” ................................................................................ 42 Me Time ........................................................................................................