Jewish Wedding Guide for Interfaith Couples Contents
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Jewish Wedding Guide for Interfaith Couples Contents Jewish Wedding Section 1: Finding Your Officiant(s) and Choosing a Date...............1 Section 2: Elements of a Jewish Wedding Ceremony .................5 Guide for Interfaith Ketubah signing, Processional, Circling, Blessing over the wine, Families Ring Ceremony, Seven Blessings, Breaking the glass, Recessional, Yichud Section 3: Ritual Objects and Clothing .............................10 www.18Doors.org Section 4: Invitations, Programs and Food ..........................14 Section 5: Issues Specific to Jewish-Christian eddingsW ..............17 Section 6: Issues Specific to Jewish-Muslim, Jewish-Hindu and Jewish-Buddhist Weddings ...................................21 Section 7: Managing Family Dynamics and Planning Your Wedding.......................................23 Section 8: Pre-marital Counseling ................................ 26 Section 9: Before the Wedding: Connecting with Other Couples...... 28 Section 10: Sample Ceremonies and Definitions for Wedding Programs .......................................... 29 Section 1: Finding Your Officiant(s) and Choosing a Date Timing and Location of a are more flexible. If your ceremony is Jewish/Interfaith Wedding co-officiated, make sure you clear your If you’re thinking of having a rabbi or cantor wedding site with both officiants prior to officiate your wedding, keep in mind that contracting for a venue. Different religious most Jewish clergy observe a number of communities have different requirements. limitations and restrictions on both the location and timing of weddings they perform. The rules vary a bit from one The Sabbath movement of Judaism (denomination) to Traditionally speaking, in Judaism weddings another, but here are some of the most do not take place on the Jewish Sabbath common limitations. (Shabbat). Shabbat begins at sundown If your ceremony is co-officiated, make sure you clear your wedding site with both officiants prior to contracting for a venue. Location, location, location! every Friday and continues until a bit past In traditional Judaism there are hardly any sundown on Saturday (Judaism regards restrictions on where a couple can get sundown, rather than sunrise, as the married. A synagogue, someone’s home, beginning of the day). Even rabbis of the a park, a non-denominational chapel or more liberal Jewish movements tend to a banquet hall are all in play, as well as decline requests to officiate during Shabbat, just about anywhere else. Some rabbis though a growing number of rabbis are aren’t comfortable officiating in churches willing to consider it. or sanctuaries of other religions; others 1 Click logo to return to table of contents Jewish Wedding Guide for Interfaith Couples We’ll email you, free of charge, a curated list of rabbis if the rabbi can refer you to a colleague who may be willing to officiate on that day. and cantors in your area who are likely to be a good fit. Finding a Rabbi or Cantor to Officiate at an Interfaith Wedding: Using InterfaithFamily’s Clergy Referral System There are many ways to search for a rabbi or cantor, including word-of-mouth or even Google. Although the percentage of Jewish clergy who officiate at interfaith weddings is growing, some couples would prefer not to start their search by asking rabbis whether or not they officiate at interfaith weddings. InterfaithFamily’s Jewish clergy referral service is a resource that can help. Just visit 18Doors Officiation Referral Service and fill out the officiation request form, and we’ll email you, free of charge, a curated list of rabbis and cantors in your area who are likely to be a good fit for the type of wedding you are planning. We also refer Jewish clergy that may be willing to travel. In part because of these Shabbat restrictions, of which holidays are available and which Saturday nights are a popular choice for ones aren’t is complicated, and rabbis from Advice for Couples Working Jewish weddings. Sundays are also popular, different movements differ in their practice. with Two Officiants in a as are other weekdays. Most important: If a Jewish clergy member Co-Officiated Wedding says they can’t officiate your wedding Most rabbis and cantors who officiate at There are a lot of Jewish holidays, major and because of a Jewish holiday, they’re not interfaith weddings are not willing to co- minor, that have traditionally been off limits fibbing in order to avoid saying no for some officiate with clergy of another faith, though for celebrating weddings. The question other reason. If you’re set on your date, ask the number who will do so is growing. If 2 Click logo to return to table of contents Jewish Wedding Guide for Interfaith Couples The most important thing is for you and your partner to decide whether or not you feel comfortable, supported and respected you’re using 18Doors clergy referral service s/he is a good fit. Here are some questions and you’re looking for a rabbi to co- you may want to ask: officiate, please check the appropriate box on the online form. 1. Are you willing to work with us to craft the content of the ceremony, Good clear communication is essential and do you have limitations on how when working with two officiants. Many flexible you’re willing to be about the clergy (of any faith) who are willing to co- ceremony? (For example, if you’re a officiate may have conditions for doing so, couple that prefers little to no God and some will want to make case-specific language, this is the time to ask.) decisions about what they are comfortable doing. Good communication between 2. What do you charge for a fee, and the officiants, and between you and both when do you need to be paid? Do officiants, is crucial so that no one feels you use a letter of agreement? blindsided or misunderstood. Some rabbis who co-officiate will recommend specific 3. How much time are you willing to local clergy of other faiths with whom they spend with us and/or members of enjoy working. our family if there are important issues or family dynamics that require sensitivity? “Interviewing” Prospective Officiants 4. How far are you willing to travel to Your first conversation with a prospective a wedding venue, and what travel officiant is your “interview,” and it’s your reimbursement might you need? main opportunity to discern whether or not 3 Click logo to return to table of contents Jewish Wedding Guide for Interfaith Couples 5. How would you describe your deputized by the state to act as your officiant. craft a sensitive, respectful and meaningful approach to working with Good communication is key when working ceremony that strives to balance the interfaith couples? with officiants who may be unfamiliar aesthetics of Jewish ritual with the need for with the family dynamics or other issues some cultural translation for family members 6. Do you have ritual limitations sometimes in play in interfaith weddings. and guests of other faiths. or restrictions that we might not be aware of? If you decide to go this route, there are many When they hire a rabbi or cantor, couples resources you can consult to incorporate are choosing to pay for a professional to 7. How much Hebrew and English can Jewish ritual and cultural elements into create a sacred moment that they will we expect in the service, and how your ceremony. See section 10, Sample remember forever. It’s useful to think do you work to help guests who Ceremonies and Definitions for Wedding about the clergy fee alongside the other aren’t Jewish feel included? Programs, for some good ideas. costs associated with weddings today. The expertise and care couples look for in 8. Do you do dress rehearsals? a wedding cake, a DJ or a photographer Costs: Clergy Fees all come with fees, and clergy also need to 9. Do you have references we can Jewish clergy fees vary greatly, though make a living. contact (i.e. other couples)? generally they fall somewhere between $500–$1,500, depending on many variables. Finally, for co-officiated weddings, After your initial conversation, the most Fees may include travel costs, or reflect remember to include clergy fees for both important thing is for you and your the amount of necessary pre-marital work. officiants in your budget. partner to decide whether or not you feel They also vary by region. Many rabbis and comfortable, supported and respected. cantors offer a sliding scale if finances are an obstacle—don’t be afraid to ask for a fee reduction if this is a factor. When they hire a rabbi or Another Option: Wedding Ceremonies without Jewish Here’s what’s going into the fee: Rabbis cantor, couples are choosing to Clergy Officiating bring years of seminary training into pay for a professional to create You can choose to get married without their work with couples, and often spend a sacred moment that they will having a rabbi or cantor, or any other clergy considerable time preparing the wedding for that matter. Hiring a justice of the peace, ceremony according to the specific needs remember forever. judge or non-denominational officiant are all of each couple. In interfaith weddings, options. You can also arrange to have a friend rabbis work with each unique couple to 4 Click logo to return to table of contents Jewish Wedding Guide for Interfaith Couples Section 2: Elements of a Jewish Wedding Ceremony Prior to the chuppah ceremony, Jewish times, a ketubah was a legally binding Modern liberal ketubot (plural) are typically tradition offers rituals that help mark the document, signed by witnesses, describing spiritual, not legal, covenants between both days leading up to a couple’s wedding. a groom’s “acquiring” of a bride, and stating partners, and ketubot honoring same-sex the amount that the groom would have to and interfaith couples abound.