Hubble’s last hurrah More from the jugglers American idiots? Catch it if you can The legendary telescope is set Learn your next party trick in Felix takes in a live performance Spectacular stuff from the Disc to be abandoned, page 5 five easy steps, page 20 from Green Day, page 26 Doctors, page 34

The student newspaper of Imperial College ● Established 1949 ● Issue 1315 ● Thursday 10 February 2005 ● www.felixonline.co.uk

Against poverty Nelson Mandela’s speech in Trafalgar Square highlighted the issue of global poverty. Marathon hustings fail to The Make Poverty History campaign believes that 2005 offers an exceptional opportu- nity for the UK to take the lead in turning things around. separate candidates uCOMMENT page 10 By Dave Edwards money for clubs and socie- be less accountable and out Defected disaster Editor ties. Sameena Misbahuddin of touch with the students. Our reviewer’s experience told the audience that she Ms Misbahuddin, standing of one of the biggest house Students were given the had already delivered results for a second year in office, nights in London didn’t quite opportunity to ask questions as a Deputy President this rejected this, arguing that live up to his expectations. and hear speeches from this year. Morten Olesen called someone without her experi- uNIGHTLIFE page 29 year’s sabbatical election can- the low turnout “a joke” and ence would take too long to didates at South Kensington, said he was standing “to fight learn the role. Ready to read? Silwood Park and Wye earlier apathy”. Simon Rawson said The candidates for Felix Why reading an epic 20th cen- this week. However, despite he would deliver “good value Editor were asked what they tury novel is a much better the South Kensington hus- catering and other services would put on the front page idea than battling with your tings lasting four hours, there in the Union that people if there was a complete lack latest piece of coursework. was little to separate the can- want to use”. Colin Smith of news in a particular week. uBOOKS page 30 didates, and a good propor- pledged to introduce a ‘one Martin Smith, the current tion of their comments had student, one vote’ method of Broadsheet editor, proposed Sport already been covered in their governance, saying: “This an article asking why stu- The Royal School of Mines manifestos. dents were not going out and rugby team enjoyed ideal The five students elected making the headlines. Darius preparation for the famous will take on high-level full “The attendance Nikbin, this year’s Felix sci- Bottle Match with victory time roles within the Union was disappointingly ence editor, conjured up: over Goodenough College. for the 2005-6 academic year. “Felix Editor in binge drink Plus football, hockey, net- The attendance in Da Vinci’s low...” orgy”. Rupert Neate, who has ball, ultimate frisbee and all bar on Monday was, as sever- very little editorial experi- the week’s results. al speakers pointed out, dis- should be about politics and ence but has had articles pub- uSPORT page 34 appointingly low. Despite an policies, not about CVs”. lished in local newspapers, advance publicity campaign Sanjeev Sarda, representing suggested a front page story centred around former Prime Re-Open Nominations (RON), about the television soap Minister Margaret Thatcher, said that a President need- Neighbours. Simon Clark, the the vast majority of those ed “clarity of vision, strong current Felix nightlife editor, in attendance were either morals and great leadership chose the classic headline: former sabbaticals or close skills”, and that students “Three Creme Eggs for 90p”. friends of the candidates. should vote RON for a better Mr Sarda decided on a com- The five Presidential can- Union. pletely blank front page. didates spent over an hour in Mr Devine, Mr Olesen, Mr the spotlight at the end of the Rawson and Mr Smith all ● How do I vote? Page evening. James Devine, who announced that they were 13 One candidate tries to recover after being ‘pied’ by the The RSM rugby team was cheered loudly by his sup- against ‘two-year sabbati- ● Candidate interviews, RAG hit squad, bringing some welcome relief to the long porters, discussed his pledges cals’, claiming that someone page 13 and uninspiring sabbatical election hustings in Da Vinci’s THIS WEEK of a smoke-free bar and more taking a second year would ● Opinion, page 9 bar on Monday evening News page 2 Business page 4 Science page 5 Security guards threatened and abused Comment page 8 Columns page 11 Election Special page 13 Clubs and Societies as students leave Union event page 20 What’s On page 22 By Dave Edwards Around ten people, many move them on, but the group Four of the group, all young The incident casts further Music page 24 of whom are thought to be refused and began to shout, men, returned 15 minutes doubt upon the College’s abil- Nightlife page 29 Death threats were made to Imperial College students, swear and threaten them. later in an Audi A3, shouting ity to ensure the safety of Books page 30 College security guards by were creating a disturbance One person was seen car- death threats at the security students in the Quad, where Film page 31 a group of aggressive young in the entrance to Beit Quad rying a weapon, which was guards. Police were called to there is normally only one Coffee Break page 32 men, at least one of whom as they left an event organ- subsequently described as the scene and remained at guard on duty and the secu- was carrying a weapon, late ised by the Sikh Society. The a “metal bolster” or “large the Quad entrance overnight rity lodge is frequently left Sport page 34 on Monday evening. security guards attempted to chisel”. in case the men returned. unmanned. Felix 2 www.felixonline.co.uk Thursday 10 February 2005

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Issue 1315 Confectionery sensation: Editor Dave Edwards Business Editor Numaan Chaudhry three Creme Eggs for 90p Science Editor By Dave Edwards last year’s debaucherous Egg plant at Bournville can Darius Nikbin Editor egg-related behaviour from produce more than 1.5 million Music Editor the students of Imperial eggs per day”. It is unclear Andrew Sykes Felix can reveal that the College, I’d like to take this whether the word ‘plant’ Imperial College Union shop opportunity to deny rumours refers to a factory or some Nightlife Editor and newsagent are, once that we’ll be hiring Renegade sort of magical photosynthet- Simon Clark again, selling three Cadbury’s Security staff as a precaution- ic organism. Arts Editor Creme Eggs for just 90p. ary measure.” Cadbury’s Creme Egg is the Paola Smith The shop and the newsa- Phil Stewart, a former UK’s best selling confection- gent, located on the Sherfield newsagent supervisor, told ery item between 1 January Books Editor Walkway, expect to be inun- Felix: “I do admit I fear the and Easter. Over 200 million Martin Smith dated by crazed students des- real possibility of a Great of the eggs are sold annually Film Editor perate for the fondant-filled Creme Egg Rush once word – that’s three for every UK Alan Ng treats over the coming days. has got out.” resident. Defying inflation, shop man- Creme Eggs were first sold The “how do you eat yours?” Sub Editor agers have decided not to by Cadbury Brothers in 1923, advertising campaign is now Sarah Pozniak raise the price after the eggs but the eggs as we now know synonymous with the eggs, proved so popular last year. them were not produced until which have been promoted Felix, Beit Quad, Prince Consort Road with great effect in recent London SW7 2BB Will Dugdale, assistant 1971. Telephone: 020 7594 8072 manager of the Union shop Interestingly, the Cadbury years by the likes of George Email: [email protected] and a former editor of this Schweppes website claims Dawes and the characters Web: www.felixonline.co.uk newspaper, said: “Following that “the Cadbury Creme from Spitting Image. Lots and lots of Cadbury’s Creme Eggs Registered newspaper ISSN 1040-0711 Copyright © Felix 2005 Printed by Sharman and Company, Imperial students chosen for Iraqi democracy Peterborough sport scholarship scheme A triumph for Bush and Blair? By Emily Gwyer ing in Iraq, slightly dubiously but with great effect, to South Five Imperial students have It aims to reduce the drop- Simon Hislop (all rowing) will It is, astonishingly, three years Africa. “Compare yesterday’s been selected for the govern- out rate of gifted athletes all benefit from the scheme. since the invasion of Iraq was reports with those by the same ment funded Talented Athlete from sport, and supports and For further information on first mooted by Geroge Bush commentators during South Scholarship Scheme (TASS). develops the talent of today TASS and details on eligibility in the wake of September 11. Africa’s first democratic elec- The programme awards for sporting success in the to apply, please contact Nick In that time there has been tion. Then, too, there were scholarships and bursaries future. Gore, the College’s Sports a fury of argument, which, at many technical problems: to talented athletes who are Rhonda Sturley (judo), Development Officer, on times, threatened to drown voters who were not properly committed to combining Tristan Lane (fencing), Robin [email protected] or 020 7594 out every other discussion in registered, voter intimida- sport with their education. Nicholson, Chris Archer and 1164. British politics. tion, long queues. But these Tony Blair has, somehow, things were set in their prop- managed to cling on through- er context as the backdrop out the rage, even though a against which the moving group of lawyers tried to take drama of people casting their him to court, European lead- first ballots was being played ers snubbed him and he was out. No-one suggested that ridiculed as a lap dog. And the clashes between IFP and now, well, it looks like things ANC supporters in Zululand are going to get a lot bet- undermined the whole proc- ter for Mr Blair. Love him ess. No-one argued that the or loathe him, he’s a smooth backlash by a handful of black political operator, and the homeland chieftains and Boer Government may have just irreconcilables made South scored one its biggest tri- Africa unfit for democracy.” umphs: the democratic elec- It may be, as David tions in Iraq. Aaronovitch, the only pro- It appears the largest Shia war writer on The Guardian party has won the majority staff, believes, that people of the votes, with the current have got themselves onto a (interim) Prime Minister’s hook where they are unable party in second place. to celebrate the return of And the pro-war lot are democracy to Iraq because crowing. “A beacon is lit in they are still so furious with Iraq. But not in your names, Bush and Blair. Robin (Cook), Douglas (Hurd) Aaronovitch claims that and the BBC,” shouted The “opposition to the actions of Times, taking the argument Bush and Blair has become… to this conclusion: if you were an utter failure to identify against the invasion of Iraq, with those extraordinarily against removing Saddam brave Iraqis who are fighting Hussein, then you are also for democracy.” He encour- against these elections and ages British liberals to move the freedom now enjoyed in on. “Now is all that matters. Iraq. The paper takes the Not whether you were for or success of the elections (with against the war, for or against a turnout beating that of Blair, for or against Bush. Are Britain, by some accounts) as you for or against democracy vindication for supporting the in Iraq? The rest is air.” war: “It is only by securing a Since the elections, this has decisive shift towards democ- quieted down slightly. News racy across the region that of more car bombs has less- the Middle East’s peoples can ened the hysteria, and Bush’s be relieved, and the threat to inauguration speech has the rest of us brought to an overshadowed everything end.” else. But beware, woolly liber- The Telegraph compared al readers: you are now more the violence currently erupt- unfashionable than ever.

Felix 4 www.felixonline.co.uk Thursday 10 February 2005

Business [email protected] $hell profits rocket Kabir Merali investigates Shell’s recent record-breaking announcement On Thursday 3 February, that the company has been Shell’s £9.3bn boost pension funds. This Shell, the Anglo-Dutch oil through a lot of difficulties has happened before, in 1997, company, announced record recently. Just under a year profit when the Labour Government profits of £9.3bn. This was not ago, Cairn Energy announced ● £9.3bn is a record British taxed privatised utility com- just a record for the com- that it had found major oil profit (at least until Vodafone panies £4.8bn extra to fund pany, but also a record for any reserves in the Rajasthan releases its figures in April) the ‘welfare to work’ scheme. British business, ever. area of India, and the news ● It’s equivalent to £25m a Although they complained, The most significant con- of the discovery rocketed day or £1m an hour or £295 the utility companies paid up tributor to Shell’s profits Cairn into the FTSE top 100 per second! in the end. Shell, however, has was the continued high oil companies. This was a major ● If it was stacked in £50 threatened to reduce North price during the last year. embarrassment for Shell, as notes, it would reach twice Sea Oil production, and thus The war in Iraq, problems in they had sold the oil field to the height of Everest and cut UK jobs, if it is taxed Venezuela and Nigeria, trou- Cairn for only $7m. It is now weigh more than two blue further. ble at the Russian oil firm valued at $500m. whales Although a tax may look Yukos and high demand from While Cairn was making tempting, we need to remem- China all contributed to the huge finds in its oil reserves, predicted a tough year ahead ber that a company exists high price of oil. The OPEC Shell began announcing to for the company. It only has to make profits, and to tax group of oil producing nations the stock market that it had nine years’ worth of project- them extra may deter them also reached maximum oil overestimated the amount ed oil reserves left, and only from engaging in business output rates and so could not of oil it thought it had left added the equivalent of ten – what’s the point of working increase supply to reduce under the ground of the fields weeks’ worth of oil produc- hard to make money if the prices. These factors led to it owned. It has now re-evalu- tion in 2004. This compares Government is just going to an all time record price of ated its oil reserves five times badly with Exxon Mobil, who take it from you? Shell CEO, Jeroen van der Veer, presents record profits to over $55 a barrel. in just over a year, which has have 14 years of oil reserves Secondly, this profit is just stakeholders When oil prices are high, resulted in it losing a third of left and found enough new oil a one-off and is not caused by Shell and other oil companies its projected total. last year to make up for what Shell ripping off its customer, Environmental concerns of sub-Saharan Africa com- make more money even if they This scandal has resulted they sold. Essentially, at this but rather by high oil prices. bined. FoE wants Shell taxed keep their profit margins the in Shell being fined £82.7m rate, Exxon Mobil have the The Government wouldn’t Environmental groups want to help pay for s the envi- same. Indeed, this has been a by the US and UK financial reserves to keep on going, but even think of subsidising to tax Shell for different rea- ronmental damage caused by great year for the energy sec- regulators. The scandal also Shell may not last ten years. Shell if it were making a loss sons to consumer groups and energy companies. tor, with Exxon Mobil making resulted in the departure of because oil prices were low. trade unions. Friends of the “If Shell had to pay for the a record $25.3bn profit and three top executives and an Windfall tax If the Government were to Earth (FoE) argue that Shell damage being caused by glo- Chevron Texaco doubling its end to the company’s historic tax Shell, it would be on inter- only makes so much money bal warming, these figures forth quarter profits. dual board system, where it Shell’s record profits have national profits, not just those because other people are left would not look so good. Shell had one board in the UK and been called “obscene” and earned in the UK. This could to pick up the cost of its pollu- should seek future profit- Shell’s recent troubles one in the Netherlands. have led to new calls for a be challenged in the courts, or tion. The gas burnt when oil ability in clean and sustain- Although it announced one off ‘windfall tax’, which may lead to retaliatory action is drilled from Shell’s Nigeria able energy, not the fossil However, what is surprising record profits, Shell’s share could be used to improve by other nations, which would plant produces more green- fuels that now endanger our about Shell’s record profit is price fell 1.7% as investors Government spending or to be bad for British business. house gases than the whole planet,” said FoE.

The Anglo-Dutch oil giant Shell announced record profits of £9.3bn last week, mainly due to the high price of oil from refineries like this Felix Thursday 10 February 2005 www.felixonline.co.uk 5

Science [email protected] Hubble’s future in serious trouble It has produced remarkable images from the depths of the universe for over a decade. Gaetano Mancino looks at why the Hubble Space telescope is to be abandoned The Hubble Space Telescope, The decision not to extend the obvious question becomes, arguably the greatest scien- Hubble’s life beyond 2008 has what, if anything, will one day tific instrument in the history been seen by many as rash replace Hubble? of space exploration, may only and unnecessary. The infor- Currently, no earth-bound have three years of life left mation provided by the tele- telescope is capable of emu- after plans to mount a rescue scope during its distinguished lating the sheer image qual- mission were recently shelved career has contributed mas- ity Hubble routinely produc- by the US government. sively to our knowledge and es. Interestingly, plans are A combination of safety understanding of the Solar underway to build a space- issues associated with a System, the Milky Way and bound successor to Hubble, manned rescue mission and other more distant galaxies. called the James Webb Space a change in US space policy The staggering beauty of the Telescope (JWST), which is were cited as the two main images obtained by Hubble, due for launch in 2011. The reasons why the US will ranging from kaleidoscopic JWST’s primary goal is allow Hubble to naturally swirls of gas to jaw-dropping to peer back to events that wind down. pictures of the birth of stars, occurred not long after the The next servicing mis- have become ingrained in the Big Bang, specifically when sion, scheduled for 2008, was public consciousness. This early galaxies started to form intended to upgrade Hubble’s information has also allowed and evolve. batteries and gyroscopes, us to probe deeper and ask Another important objective allowing it to function for more questions than anyone of the JWST is to determine another eight years. Manned thought was possible when the nature and amount of repair missions are not new Hubble was first sent out on dark matter in the universe. to the telescope, with three its journey of exploration. Dark matter is the mysterious successfully completed since Even now Hubble continues An astronaut carrying out repairs on the Hubble Space telescope. Such missions are set substance that cosmologists its launch in 1990. However, to amaze, with the recent dis- to become a thing of the past after a manned repair trip for 2008 was cancelled believe accounts for the dis- in the wake of the Columbia covery of 100 new planets in crepancy between the amount disaster, NASA grounded all the centre of our Milky Way light that acts as a signature This website and numerous should only be used to de-orbit of matter we can detect and three of its remaining shuttles, galaxy, doubling the number for trace gases present when ones like it are scoring huge the telescope at the end of its the total amount that must putting the shuttle flight to of planetary bodies known to the universe was still young. numbers of hits, a testament working life, by which time exist to create enough gravi- service the telescope on hold. It is against the backdrop of to the telescope’s popularity. robotic technology should be NASA contemplated using “The decision not to this impressive list of achieve- As a result of this pro- advanced enough to carry out “...the AAS and others robots to carry out the repairs ments that the discussion of Hubble pressure and numer- the task. In the meantime, are all concerned that and, until recently, plans were extend Hubble’s life- Hubble’s fate is being con- ous online petitions, NASA the NRC, the AAS and others being developed in collabora- time beyond 2008 has ducted. asked the NRC to investigate are concerned that a premier a premier piece of tion with the Canadian Space been seen by many as Naturally, the decision has ways in which the Hubble piece of astronomical real astronomical real Agency to launch a robotic provoked strong opinions from could be rescued. Late last estate will be cast off while servicing mission in 2007. rash and unnecessary” those passionate about saving year the NRC reported back still in its prime. estate will be cast off Last month, however, the Hubble. The pro-Hubble cam- and came down in favour of Arguably the most important while still in its prime” US government refused to orbit stars similar to our own paign is being championed a manned shuttle mission, factor influencing the decision release the $1 billion needed Sun. Not wanting to rest on by a wide range of people asserting that it was the only not to save Hubble is the cur- tational force to prevent the for the upgrade. As a result, their laurels, NASA was plan- and interest groups, includ- way to accomplish all the nec- rent US policy towards space universe from flying apart. the Hubble space telescope ning to extend Hubble’s capa- ing the influential American essary repairs with minimal exploration. Lying at heart Despite the impressive ambi- will continue to function nor- bilities by adding several new Astronomical Society (AAS), risk to the crew. According to of this strategy is President tions NASA has for the JWST, mally in the short term, but components during the next, the National Research Council the NRC, the current state of Bush’s desire to send men critics still argue that the without the repairs to its bat- and now cancelled, upgrade. (NRC) and genuine grass- robotic technology is not up and women back to the Moon delay between the expected teries and gyroscopes it will One of these new components roots Hubble enthusiasts who to the job and could be more and, eventually, to Mars. The end of Hubble and the launch eventually wear down in three is a camera designed to detect have set-up websites such risky to the Hubble itself. The so-called “moon-to-mars ini- of the JWST will be too long. years. a particular type of faint UV as www.savethehubble.com. study concluded that robots tiative” requires enormous It is generally accepted funding and will take several that Hubble cannot con- years to implement. President tinue forever, and that more Bush has already asked NASA advanced telescopes like the to re-allocate $11 billion for JWST will eventually replace start-up costs, with an extra it. But many are convinced $1 billion to come from the that the decision to effectively government. axe Hubble is premature and The International Space unwarranted. In the eyes of Station (ISS) will play a key astronomers, this decision role in the “moon-to-mars ini- is being made by faceless tiative,” mainly as a refuelling bureaucrats sitting behind depot for the longer journey to desks who are unaware of Mars. The space shuttle pro- the potentially great science gramme will also be crucial that Hubble could still achieve in this respect, at least until a with just a little fine tuning. new generation of spacecraft Ultimately, the decision will is developed. NASA already rest with those in control of plans to send the first shuttle the purse-strings, but it is pos- since the Columbia tragedy sible that support from grass- to the ISS later this year, a roots fans, as well as influ- decision which is causing con- ential astronomical organisa- fusion among those wanting tions, will make NASA and the to keep Hubble operational: US government think twice If NASA is content to send about axing the telescope. shuttles to the International In the meantime, Hubble Space Station, why are they will continue to enthrall us. so reluctant to use them for How sobering it is to think a tried-and-tested journey to that those beautiful, ethereal the Hubble? images that we seem to take If the US government sticks for granted may, in as little to its decision to veto funding as three years, be a thing of A spectacular picture taken in January by the Hubble Space Telescope of the barred spiral galaxy NGC 1300 for a Hubble repair mission, the past. Felix 6 www.felixonline.co.uk Thursday 10 February 2005

SCIENCE [email protected] Murder of a sinister nature News A new clue as to why some people are left-handed? Alexander Antonov reports on new research suggesting a link between left-handedness and murder in brief Although we know that right greater advantage over their possible that there may be Air force war game and left-handed people have opponents when they are in a “fighting advantage” asso- co-existed since the Upper the minority. ciated with left-handedness, aims to test space Palaeolithic era (15–10,000 Since physical sports can which would confirm that the technology BC), little is known about the be seen as a modified form of trait is preserved. Yet this distribution of left-handed- fighting, a wider ethnological need not be the only advan- ness or why the trait persists. interpretation may be made tage in the handedness bal- The US military launched a While scientists believe hand- that links handedness to ance. five-day war game last week edness is mostly inherited, it aggressive behaviour. Faurie During the 20th century to see how space-based is not so clear what the evo- and Raymond speculate that there was a popular theory assets like satellite commu- lutionary advantages associ- being left-handed in a violent backed by a number of stud- nications and precision bomb ated with being left-handed context would be advanta- ies that related left-handed- guidance systems would fare are. A new study recently geous, therefore there would ness to creativity. Having had in a war against terrorism in published in Proceeding of be a higher frequency of the opportunity to verify this 2020. Over the past decade, the Royal Society (Biological aggressive left-handers. theory with a sample of my the US military has come to Sciences) may offer a piece of The research supporting own in a high school science rely heavily on satellites to the puzzle. this hypothesis is comprised project, I wonder whether relay communications, trans- Researchers Charlotte of studies of several so-called creativity may be one of those mit high-resolution imagery, Faurie and Michel Raymond traditional societies (like other benefits. Although such track US forces, spot enemy of University Montpelier in Cameroon, Burkina Faso, differences due to handed- missiles and guide precision France claim that there is Gabon). In each case obser- ness are well-known, their munitions to their targets. a strong, positive correlation vations were made on the causes, thought to be relat- between the frequency of left- hand preference for activities ed to the organisation of the handers and the rate of mur- such as holding a machete Left-handed psychos? Clockwise from top left: Jack the brain, are still unclear. der in traditional societies. or knife and bow-shooting, Ripper the Boston Strangler (top right), Uri Geller and Hopefully, Faurie and Life flourishes at The study draws on pre- which were correlated with Napoleon Bonaparte Raymond’s study is a step crushing depth vious results from sports homicide rate data. Western forward in our understand- studies in Western societies, societies were not considered esis, it is clear the studies’ see the research extended to ing of left-handedness and which show that left-handers because the violence in these scope is not sufficient to draw Western societies with larger its perseverance as a trait. Tiny single-celled creatures, have an advantage in con- societies mainly involves the any definite conclusions. test samples. But one should be wary of many previously unknown, frontational sports, such as “use of long-range and pow- Besides, as the authors con- The study does, how- correlations. The two studies have been found at the deep- tennis, fencing, baseball, but erful weapons” which are not cede, homicide rate is not the ever, highlight the potential could, for instance, be inter- est point in the world’s oceans, no in non-interactive sports. thought to offer left-handers best estimator of the preva- importance of violence in preted together to prove the almost 11km down. The soft- Further, this advantage is an advantage. lence of one-to-one fights. understanding handedness existence of a positive corre- walled foraminifera, a form frequency-dependent, mean- While Faurie and Raymond’s It would also be interesting in humans. Since most left- lation between creativity and of plankton, were recovered ing that left-handers enjoy a results support their hypoth- and more authoritative to handers are male, it seems homicide. by the Japanese remote sub- mersible Kaiko. Yuko Todo and colleagues report that the organisms have become adapted to the crushing pres- Events: Future Face Now you can do your sures (about 110,000 kilopas- cals) that exist in a location of the Marianas Trench known @ Science Museum lab work in the pub as Challenger Deep. By Emma-Lynn Donadieu and Robin Wilkinson Nanotechnology Science communication By Darius Nikbin stantly monitored so that used to lifetimes of around Science Editor anomalies in temperature, 70 years, and the most we takes aim at The question “Who you for example, are duly taken travel to go anywhere on transistors lookin’ at?” has taken on a The news this week: man into account. holiday is a few thousand new meaning at the Science convicted of assault after It might be a long time kilometres. For us, 50 minute Museum’s Future Face brawl with Egg McMuffin, before experimental condi- lectures can seem like a life- US scientists have made exhibition, which considers Russian combat jets scram- tions can be completely con- time, and a short trip through nano-scale devices they claim our perception of identity bled to repulse cloud, image trolled remotely, but the new London’s traffic can feel like could one day replace current through the human face. of Jesus seen in frying pan, technology sounds promis- an endurance test. If Hubble transistor technology. The We are all unknowing teenager who sent 100 texts ing. Having once spent three has taught us anything it is tiny devices known as “cross- experts at deciphering the a day unable to move thumb, hours a day for several weeks that we are nothing in the bar latches” are made up of a face. We can identify the and, finally, nude jogger staring at a read-out from a grand scale of things. So it is combination of crossed-over visage of a dead person as caught and locked up for one Geiger counter, this reporter a shame that this revolution- platinum wires with steric acid human and are rarely fooled year. would welcome any technol- ary apparatus of science is molecules set at their junc- by digital images or avatars. New technology may now ogy that would relieve the being abandoned when it is tions. The Hewlett Packard The exhibits encourage us to mean you can carry out your boredom during the long lab still producing such amazing researchers said they could consider the significance of racy). It was, however, one lab work in the comfort of the hours some experiments images. potentially do a better job the human face and our reac- of the lighter moments in Union Bar. Imagine it: while require. Another article by Alex than current transistors, dra- tion to it through an intrigu- what is a dramatic, thought- your supervisor’s running Antonov looks at the possi- matically improving the per- ing and visually captivating provoking and sometimes around like a headless chick- “Sensors in the lab ble link between aggressive- formance of computers. blend of art and science. disturbing exhibition. en trying to find where you’ve pick up sudden changes ness and left-handedness. There are a variety of If none of the above have gone, you will be in the pub, Although his article refuses works ranging from strange piqued your interest, then sipping a pint of your favour- in experimental to accept the findings, you films of individuals shown it’s worth going to see the ite ale, playing Who Wants conditions and relay will read some interesting Dyslexic drivers next to footage of them- mug shot of Wacko Jacko. To Be A Millionaire and the information to conclusions about the ques- slower to react selves a decade previously Some of the digital images monitoring your experiment tion of whether correlation to Bjork’s bizarre robotic look more realistic than he by mobile phone. Smoothly scientists’ mobile can prove causation. A few music video. does. does it. phones” of my friends are left-hand- Dyslexia slows a driver’s reac- There are also some good This is exactly what ed, and I can vouch for them tion time as much as moder- interactive elements. If you chemists in Southampton More seriously, this week in that they are not overly vio- ate drinking, a report claims. have ever wondered what University have been doing Felix Science we have a fea- lent, although they are quite A Norwegian study on 17 vol- you will look like in 20 years, as part of a national e-Science ture by Gaetano Mancino on creative. unteers found dyslexic drivers or what you would look like ● Future Face is project (except I don’t know the Hubble Space telescope. Giovanna Larice looks at took 30% longer to react than if you were a different race showing at the Science whether they were drink- Looking back on some of the the important issue of nip- others. Driving over the UK then have a go on Dave Museum until this ing ale). Sensors in the images Hubble has produced ples this week. Why do men alcohol limit slows reaction Perrett’s Interactive Face Sunday, 13 February laboratory pick up sudden over the past decade, one have nipples? Good ques- times by 10%, according to Transformations and morph changes in experimental con- cannot fail to be stunned. It is tion. Research suggests the New Scientist. Charities said your face (although based on ditions and relay the infor- almost impossible to compre- answer lies somewhere in the report was alarmist and our predicted appearances mation to scientists’ mobile hend or appreciate the sheer between developmental foe- offensive, and that quick reac- we’d like to dispute the accu- phones. In this way, experi- dimensions of the universe as tal biology and evolutionary tion times do not necessarily mental conditions are con- revealed by Hubble. We are biology. make good drivers. Felix Thursday 10 February 2005 www.felixonline.co.uk 7

SCIENCE [email protected] The evolutionary biology of nipples It is obvious why women have them, but why do men have nipples? Giovanna Larice explores the biology of nipples, looking at their place in evolution and foetal development There has been a lot of debate The male nipple is in fact writes in a paper published in of the fact that the natural in science as to whether a fully equipped organ pos- the Journal of Sexual Marital form of all species is, physi- human anatomical features sessing all the usual appara- Theory that at this stage, ologically speaking, female such as tonsils and appen- tus of blood vessel, muscles, in foetuses which will give and those keen on drama- dices are indeed superflu- nerves and even oil glands. rise to a boy, enough male tizing add (to the displeas- ous and simply not required A thin muscle present under androgens (the male sex hor- ure of all male chauvinists) for survival. Wisdom teeth the female nipple which upon mones) are produced to offset that males are thus merely and the male foreskin are stimulation projects the nip- the maternal estrogens (the ‘mutant’ females. also, arguably, unnecessary, ple for the baby results, in female sex hormones) and Steven Jay Gould, in his redundant, and for many just males, in the flattening of maleness develops. book Bully For Brontosaurus a cumbersome bother that In other words the hormone – Reflections In Natural has to be removed. “Both men and women testosterone is activated on History, explains why evo- What about nipples? Both share these comic the Y chromosome that mas- lution has not changed this men and women share these culinises the embryo. This specific male anatomical nip- comic looking appendages, looking appendages, alters its physical develop- ple feature. Gould argues that yet what functions do they yet what function do ment towards generating nature takes the path of least actually carry out in the male they actually carry out male features and leading resistance so that anatomical of the species? to the development of male features are selected against Unlike appendices, tonsils, in the male of the genitalia; it is however unable only if they are sufficiently and so on, nipples seem to be species?” to reverse the nipple forma- disadvantageous. redundant only in males and tion process that has already As Andrew Simons, jour- are truly required, in terms of the puffed male nipple areola taken place. nalist for the Scientific reproductive success, only in (the coloured ring around the The human embryonic American, aptly makes clear females. Yet all men proudly human nipple). Furthermore, Janet Jackson’s famous nipple exhibition of 2004 will be on pathway thus involves the in his article on Why Men and pointlessly own a pair. both men and women can view at the Science Museum from June early presence of ‘precursor have Nipples? the genet- Male nipples are far small- experience pleasure thanks nipples’ (which appear before ic ‘default’ is for men and er than their female counter- to the nerves that innervate nition, we suckle our young. onic development differentia- the start of sexual differen- women to share characters. parts and are obviously not the areola. But men do not suckle. tion towards a foetus which tiation) which may or may Nipples are consequently just used for lactation (nor is there The male nipple is not Human nipples appear in will give rise to a girl or a not develop into future func- accidental leftovers of our any evidence to suggest they therefore totally useless, yet the third or fourth week of boy takes place at around six tional breasts; in essence, evolutionary past that persist have been used for lactation moderate tactile pleasure embryionic development and to eight weeks after fertilisa- males have rudimentary nip- simply because of a lack of in the prehistoric male). Yet hardly justifies its presence. both female and male babies tion (well after the appear- ples because both sexes are selection against them rather the temptation of classifying Humans are mammals are born with nipples and ance of nipples), when the variations of a basic ‘nipple- than selection for them. them as simple protrusions (from the Latin mamma that their ducts intact. This is male and female hormones equipped’ design. Besides, men would look would not do them justice. means breast), hence, by defi- made clear as during embry- are activated. Dr Sherfey Many take this as evidence odd without them.

Le Pundit Tsunami stop! Obscene molecules: no. 314 Important new research at the This week we look at a molecule who is isn’t exactly the sharpest tool in the box. Moronic acid to en science Portsmouth Polytechnic has shown that the tsunami that be precise. Apparently this is a triterpenoid organic acid that is found in Pistacia resin. No-one devastated vast regions of know why it is called Moronic acid – its chemical properties share little in common with other South-East Asia, could have morons such as Pop Idol’s Simon Cowell and crap Superman impersonator Alvin Joel. been prevented. Wall Engineers have calculated that a 10 metre thick, 100 me- tre high solid metal ‘sea wall’ defending coastlines in the area may have harmlessly deflected the wave onto Aus- tralia. Reginald Pundit, tabloid col- Le Pundit says: build the umnist, neo-avant-garde phi- metal sea-wall now and save losopher, and amateur archi- lives tomorrow. tect, gives his science views. Einstein Schmeinstein Cowell: moron Joel: moron Moronic acid Beagle 2 report Not a lot of people know this, When Charles Darwin set off but I once met Einstein in ● Do you think the Science section is dumbing down? on his trip to the Gapalapagos the 1950s in a swanky bar Email [email protected] with your comments and comedy islands, he must have made called Los Mosquitos in had enough provisions on Northampton. board his good ship, The Most people who met Beagle. Einstein were often said to be But when Colin Pill-ock-inger overawed by the great man’s Because great minds don’t think alike. decided to send a bacofoil massive intelligence. probe to Mars, he must have But it turned out to be vice- had his sideburns in a twist. versa when we met... A new report published by As a test, I asked him this the European Space Agency simple question: (ESA) this week has officially “If God doesn’t play dice said... then who does?” Beagle 2 would have had a Suffice to say he was better chance of success if it stumped for an answer. was entered in Robot Wars. I had turned the tables in this Chance landmark battle of wits. But it’s all very well to be The correct answer (which cynical when all is done and eluded Einstein) is of course: ‘moon-dusted’. ‘gamblers’. Surely if would have made Forget Einstein Year, this is more sense if they had pub- Pundit Year! I, science lished the report before the mission took-off. ● Do you have some A science magazine for Imperial students Then we could have spent science humour in the money on the NHS or you? Then contact deporting bogus asylum seek- [email protected] To get involved, contact us now at ers. with your comedy [email protected] Felix 8 www.felixonline.co.uk Thursday 10 February 2005

Comment [email protected] Gideon Sorry for the somewhat random various students (both Silwood and I remember all this rather vividly Union Council update: topic this week but I’ve been a lit- South Kensington) answering ques- STATE OF because I ended up with Gideon’s Strategic Review tle busy with the ‘e’ word that some tions on student finance, the Union, arm around me at three separate people are currently getting excited the College, my pilot’s licence… THE UNION times during the evening as we After several months of hard work, about. Perhaps somewhat inevitably, the repeated the same conversation. the Union Executive has now I spent last night at the Silwood most memorable part of the evening He also kept pointing me out to reached a unanimous agreement Park campus, where they were was in the bar, for all the wrong other people and hailing me as a on a draft Union Strategy to recom- having a General Committee meet- reasons. No, there wasn’t a strong “great man”. He explained that he mend to Union Council at its next ing. The meeting itself was quite rugby crowd getting undressed. had been worried he’d never meet meeting on 17 February. I look for- valuable for me, though attend- There was, however, a chap called me. It seems that what he most ward to the debate, and its adoption ance was somewhat thwarted by Gideon. I didn’t catch his surname, liked about me was my Felix column as policy. It is vitally important that Chinese New Year. It was also sup- but he seemed to be a fan of mine. which he would read, without fail, we establish a consensus as to what posed to be an informal opportunity Being President, you do get used every week. the Union’s role and priorities should for Silwoodians to meet sabbatical to surreal experiences as a result Just in case anyone is under any be, so that student officers can focus election candidates. Unfortunately, of your minor ‘celebrity’ status. misapprehensions, I did take a lik- on getting work done rather than interest was quite low until later Especially after 18 months. But ing to Gideon; I’m sure he’s a very constantly arguing about what they on, by which time only a minor- somehow I still found Gideon a lit- nice chap and he probably does should be doing. The papers for the ity of candidates together with Sam tle overwhelming. He kept telling MUSTAFA ARIF have a strong political pedigree meeting will be at www.union.ic.ac. Rorke and myself had survived. And me how great he thought I was UNION PRESIDENT back home. I think he’d just had uk/meetings. that’s when the fun started. (which is a nice sentiment but can a little bit too much to drink. (The The next Council meeting will We joined some of the Silwood stu- be overbearing) and wanting to very nice barman explained that he also see by-elections for a vacancy dents in one of the (nicer) kitchens know who I thought he should vote Apparently he isn’t sure who the is not unknown on the ‘scene’.) on the Council and for the post in the on-site accommodation. The for. He also explained that he was (Tanzanian) President will be, but Anyway, I’m supposed to be of Equal Opportunities Officer. very nice Silwoodians offered us the oldest PhD student at Silwood he’s sure he’ll be the next Foreign reminding you about elections. Vote. All registered Imperial College some lovely pancakes, and Sam and and that he would be going back Minister. He said he would then Go to www.union.ic.ac.uk/vote, from students may stand for election some of the Felix Editor candidates to Tanzania soon, where he was drive the Tanzanian President to midnight tonight until Tuesday 15 and vote. For more information, seemed to be thoroughly enjoying expecting to be appointed Foreign Silwood to show him where he used February. Vote. Or else I’ll start talk- please visit www.union.ic.ac.uk/ themselves. I was floating between Minister after next year’s elections. to study. ing about doughnuts again… elections. Bought a tracksuit from a mush in Shepherds Bush

Ever bought something from a This is a wide-ranging piece of shop, but there are specific rules If you receive unsolicited goods shop, got it home and realised that legislation that applies to both new ADVICE SERVICE that affect products you buy from – items that you haven’t ordered it doesn’t work? Ever had trouble and second-hand goods. your home. – you don’t have to return or even with a product that has caused dam- It protects consumers by ensuring It’s much easier now to buy things pay for them under the Unsolicited age to your house? Ever bought that goods are: from home, compared to the past. Goods and Services Act 1971. something that has turned out to be ● of ‘satisfactory quality’ – products Besides catalogues, mail order firms If a trader demands payment for unsafe? must last a reasonable time and be and buying online, you can be visited such goods, they’re committing a I am sure that some of these state- free of defects by salesmen selling everything from criminal offence under this law. ments will ring a bell with some of ● ‘as described’ – a trader or adver- vacuum cleaners to double glazing. The goods in question become your you out there. Buying goods of any tisement must honestly describe the You can’t always see what you’re property if you keep them for six kind is often enjoyable, but there product. If, for example, you buy a buying, so the need for an effective months, or one month if you have are times when you buy something CD that turns out to be counterfeit way to sort out problems is probably contacted the supplier. At this point, and it goes wrong. In this situation, then you have a case against the much greater than when you shop you’re probably hoping that some- it always good to know what your trader that sold it. on your local high street. one sends you an unsolicited laptop rights are and what action you can ● fit for purpose – products must do You have special rights as a home computer! take to get your money back. what the supplier says they do. NIGEL COOKE consumer under the Consumer The Information and Advice If you buy something that doesn’t STUDENT ADVISER Protection (Distance Selling) Buying online Centre can help in this situation, meet any of the conditions stated Regulations 2000. by making you aware of what you above, it’s your right to demand your You are entitled to: When buying online, you’re entitled can do. We can also act on your money back from the trader (the ● inspected the product and should ● Clear written information on prod- to the same rights covering any behalf if the people you bought the person/shop who bought it from), have noticed the fault ucts before placing an order other home purchase. faulty product from are treating you not the manufacturer, wholesaler or ● damaged the product yourself ● A ‘cooling off period,’ usually A website must display: unfairly. importer. ● bought the product by mistake five days, when you can cancel any ● Clear information about goods or If you buy anything from a shop, Traders also have a duty to ● have changed your mind. order services before you buy catalogue or even the internet and supply products that are safe. If Services, such as those provided ● A full refund if goods or services ● Written confirmation of any order there’s something wrong with it, they knowingly supply unsafe by tradesmen and professionals, are aren’t provided by an agreed date or ● A ‘cooling off period’ allowing the you’ve got a right to do something goods, they are committing an covered by the Supply of Goods and within 30 days buyer to cancel the order for any about it. But this doesn’t apply to offence. If you buy an unsafe prod- Services Act 1982. Service providers ● Protection against credit card reason. changing your mind when you’ve uct, contact your local Trading have a ‘duty of care’ to those they fraud One exception to these rules are decided you really shouldn’t have Standards Office, who will investi- work for and work carried out must If you’ve got a problem with some- products purchased through an bought a minidisc player when your gate the matter and prosecute the be ‘to a reasonable standard at a thing you’ve bought, then: online auction. Auctioneers aren’t rent is due any day now. trader if necessary. reasonable cost.’ ● Inform the supplier quickly and required to accept responsibility for If the faulty goods cause injury to If you feel you’ve been over- let them know why you’re complain- the quality of goods on sale, so extra What does the law say? yourself or damage to your property charged, you have a right to pay ing care should be taken when buying of more than £275, you may be able what you think is a ‘reasonable ● Keep a written note of any phone from them. One of the most important laws gov- to claim against the manufacturer price’ (what you would expect any- calls or emails. If you would like further informa- erning your rights as a consumer or importer under ‘product liabil- body else to do the job for), although If you feel that you’ve entered into tion on this article or would like to is the Sale of Goods Act 1979. Like ity’ rules set out in the Consumer you may be sued for the full cost by a contract that, on reflection, seems make an appointment, please don’t many laws, it has evolved to keep Protection Act 1987. the provider. to be unfair, you have protection hesitate to contact the Information up with changes in society so the Just as importantly, you have no under the Unfair Contract Terms and Advice Centre on 020 7594 8067 Act now includes ‘amendments’ grounds for complaint under these Buying goods from home Act 1977 and the Unfair Terms in or [email protected]. called the Sale and Supply of Goods terms if you: Consumer contract Regulations Don’t let your concern turn into Act 1994 and the Sale of Goods ● were told about the fault when You’re protected under consumer 1994, even if the ‘cooling off period’ crisis. Make the IAC your one stop (Amendment) Act 1995. buying the product legislation wherever you choose to has expired. shop for all your welfare issues. Felix Thursday 10 February 2005 www.felixonline.co.uk 9

COMMENT [email protected] The joy of... elections Sabbatical elections people you elect will lead the Union UNCLE SAM raised a few issues that the Union ‘Entertain’ next year, so make sure you vote! will be looking to resolve through Unless you are walking around with dialogue with the College. There will be a massive charity your eyes closed, you will have heard QAA student written ball on Saturday 26 February, 7pm about the sabbatical elections. We submission Get on your bike! ‘til late. Held in the Great Hall, have 16 candidates standing this ‘Entertain’ will feature live bands year for the five sabbatical posts, I have informed you of the role of Last Friday’s bike auction was (including the Big Band) and some so it promises to be the most hotly the Quality Assurance Agency in a great success, with around 50 great DJs. Tickets cost £10, and contested and exciting set of elec- monitoring higher education, and people braving the January drizzle, every penny will go towards the tions in recent memory. For more the College’s impending institu- taking about 35 bikes off our hands redevelopment of those areas information, turn to pages 13-18 of tional audit, in previous issues, so and raising over £1000. The money affected by the December’s tsunami this newspaper or check out www. I shall not bore you again here. The will be used for the benefit of cyclists disaster. union.ic.ac.uk/elections. Student Written Statement, which on campus in the future. If anyone is Tickets are available from Union The Union is the recognised voice I produced on your behalf, was interested in setting up a co-opera- Reception and the Reynolds Bar. of Imperial College students, and approved by the Union’s governing SAM RORKE tive to help cyclists maintain their For more information, please see constantly strives to improve their body (Council), and has now been bikes, and represent cycling issues www.entertain-event.co.uk or email lives and look after their education- sent off to the agency. It can be read DEPUTY PRESIDENT to College, please contact benjamin. [email protected]. Please al, social and welfare needs. The at www.union.ic.ac.uk/qaa. It has (EDUCATION & WELFARE) [email protected]. support this worthwhile event. Day of disobedience

15 February 2005. That is the date under occupation. The recent ‘elec- fuel, resistance to the occupation 9am with a three minute silence in to keep in your head if you oppose tions’ in Iraq have been spun as the will continue. This is a resistance remembrance of all those killed in the ongoing war and occupation in birth of democracy, and indeed it whose active members number the war and occupation. At 12.30pm, Iraq. was extremely uplifting to see the over 200,000 according to the CIA, people are meeting on the Queen’s There are many reasons to oppose emotion on the faces of Shias vot- well above the number of British Lawn for on-campus protest and the occupation. They include the fact ing in what they believed to be free and American troops there. Clearly, demonstration. And then at 3pm, we that over 100,000 Iraqis have been elections. But it looks increasingly those who have passive support for are meeting in Beit Quad to march killed so far, mostly in air strikes. as if all those Shias who voted did the resistance much higher. down to Parliament Square and join They also include the increasing so to try to end the occupation. And But the reason I ask everyone students from across London in a number of casualties and fatali- what about the Sunnis, who boy- to oppose the occupation is for the ‘die-in’. These events have all been ties amongst British and American cotted to try to end the occupation? sake of Babar Ahmad, as this is an organised in the run up to the major troops, a large number of whom Or the fact that the elections were issue that our own students’ union national anti-war demonstration on are economic conscripts – soldiers held under a state of emergency, COLIN SMITH has passed policy on. As long as 19 March. who joined for financial reasons, some parts of Iraq did not even have the ‘war on terror’ continues, the Finally, the next stage of Babar and not explicitly to be sent to kill polling stations, many of the candi- WELFARE CAMPAIGNS victimisation of minority groups at Ahmad’s extradition hearing goes and destroy in an illegal war. Then dates’ identities were kept secret, OFFICER home, and Muslims in particular, to court on 2 March, and his fam- there is the increasingly widespread a US-controlled body had ultimate is going to continue. To support ily and supporters will gather out- use of torture used by British and control over who did and did not Babar’s case is also to oppose the side the court in London in protest. American forces on Iraqi prisoners stand... the list goes on. and get out. And so, with the 16 brutality of what is taking place in We hope to send a large delegation – torture that seems to be part of Given that the ‘coalition of the permanent bases they are building, Iraq. from Imperial. Anyone interested the very way these armies are work- willing’ never, even in their words, with large parts of the economy pri- So, I’m asking everyone to in any of these issues should email ing in occupied Iraq. went to Iraq explicitly to bring vatised with all profits going to US take part in the national ‘Day of me at [email protected], or look out Another reason is the fact that democracy, it is unlikely that they companies, and with still very little Disobedience’ against the occupa- for posters that will be appearing there simply can be no democracy will listen to the wishes of the Iraqis provision of water, electricity and tion on 15 February. It will start at around the College soon. Depressing hustings highlight Union’s inadequacies

This week’s sabbatical election hus- I’m sure most of you have a view on favour of catchy slogans, empty don’t just look at their promises – tings served as an uncomfortable all these issues. It is the sabbaticals OPINION promises and pledges about ‘fun’. what evidence is there that they can reminder of the failings of Imperial who will make the big decisions and That is not the way to a better Union deliver? What have they done in the College Union. influence Union and College policy, or a better student experience here past that will make them capable or The President, Deputy Presidents but, for whatever reason, nine out at Imperial College. incapable of doing the job? Who has and Felix Editor hold some of the of ten students won’t bother to vote Some candidates were victimised, the most relevant experience? Who most important roles at this College. between tomorrow and Tuesday. as people ‘bent the rules’ by asking has the best ideas? Who is in touch Their positions are the most pow- How can the Union call itself a questions that may have seemed with what the students really want? erful within the Union, and those truly ‘representative’ organisation ‘addressed to all’ on the surface but Who sets realistic, achievable, sen- elected have a huge responsibility to when only 10% of students will vote were clearly aimed at certain indi- sible goals? On the other hand, who improve and enhance the ‘Imperial in its biggest elections and only 5% viduals in particular. doesn’t quite know what they’re College experience’ for the student took part in its strategic review? I haven’t decided who to vote for talking about? And who is just doing body. Yet, out of over 11,000 students, I won’t labour this point any fur- yet. But, regardless of the failings of it for CV points? It’s important that less than 100 were present at Da ther, as there are still other mat- our students’ union, I will certainly you vote. It’s equally important that Vinci’s Bar in South Kensington to ters to discuss – the poor turnout be voting tomorrow, and you should you vote for the people who can real- hear what this year’s candidates was just one of many things that FURIOUS GEORGE too. It will take you 15 minutes, ly improve your Union, your College had to say. disappointed me as I sat through at most, to read the candidates’ and your life. Should hall rents be based on stu- four miserable hours of hustings on about fruit, animals, sex toys and manifestos and interviews [see The final indignity of Monday night dents’ ability to pay? Do you think Monday night. impersonating motor vehicles. What pages 13-18 of this newspaper] and came when the hustings drew to a that a sabbatical officer serving a The vast majority of people in was the point? How was that going vote online at www.union.ic.ac.uk/ close and the Presidential candi- second year would be ‘out of touch’ attendance were either candidates to improve our students’ union? elections. As improbable as it may dates were ‘asked’ to down a pint of with the students? Should the Union or their friends, and it was sickening One member of the audience, who sound, the people you elect can their choice. Call it fun, call it tradi- campaign to pull British troops out of to see them take little or no inter- pointed to the low turnout and asked change your life for the better. tion, call it what you like, but if you’d Iraq? How can we cut out bureauc- est in proceedings when other peo- candidates whether the elections So if a candidate stands for some- rather watch six people drink a pint racy and make clubs and societies ple were under the spotlight. Some were really relevant, was jeered and thing you feel strongly about, make than find out about how they can more enjoyable? How important is candidates were heckled – loudly, heckled. Any candidate with a real- your voice heard and hopefully improve your life at Imperial, then ‘fun in Felix’ as opposed to a candi- rudely and without any good reason. istic, serious message was derided they’ll be able to address that issue perhaps you don’t deserve a good date’s editorial experience? People asked ridiculous questions as “boring” and shouted down in in a positive way next year. But students’ union after all. Felix 10 www.felixonline.co.uk Thursday 10 February 2005

COMMENT [email protected] Making poverty history

By Fen Beynon

Last Thursday saw Nelson Mandela in Trafalgar Square, giving a speech to over 22,000 people. The former South African President, 86, recently announced that he was retiring from public life but said, “as long as pov- erty, injustice and gross inequality persist in our world, none of us can truly rest”. Make Poverty History, the UK faction of the Global Campaign for Action Against Poverty, had donned the front of the National Gallery with a huge white sign to set the stage for this event, to which they invited Bob Geldof, Oxfam’s Adrian Lovett, South African Kumi Naidoo of the World Alliance for Citizen Participation, band Frititi, singer Jamelia and TV presenter June Sarpong. Mr Mandela, jailed for 27 years under South Africa’s apartheid laws, A Make Poverty thanked the people of Britain for History banner their support and help “consigning is draped over that evil system forever to history” one of the lion but followed on to point out that mil- statues in Tra- lions of people were still “trapped falgar Square, in the prison of poverty”. The ways where Nelson in which we can help these people, Mandela gave according to Mandela and the world- his support to a wide campaign, are to ensure trade global anti-pov- justice, end the debt crisis for the erty campaign poorest countries and deliver more and better aid. charities, trade unions, campaigning change. debt relief summit” and also wants ing back the interest on their debt The Millennium Declaration in groups and celebrities, believes that Campaigners will surround the to provide $10 billion a year for a dec- – in many cases, more per year than 2000 had several aims. One of these 2005 offers an exceptional oppor- site, as 70,000 did at the Birmingham ade, but needs G7 backing in order they spend on health or education. was “to halve, by the year 2015, the tunity for the UK to take a lead in G8 in 1998, demanding an end to the to borrow the money up front on the The Global Campaign for Action proportion of the world’s people turning things around. This is due debt crisis. This public show led the financial markets. Against Poverty calls for these prob- whose income is less than one dol- to the combination of heading the UK Government to make a signifi- The UK also plans for an lems to be rectified by trade justice, lar a day”. This year, in September, European Union and the hosting of cant advance. All of the debt owed International Finance Facility (IFF) rather than free trade, and a much world leaders will gather to meas- the G7 finance ministers meeting directly to the Government by many to help deal with debt, but the US greater emphasis on giving more ure the progress they have made and the G8 summit. of the world’s poorest countries was will not support it because of its power to the poor countries in mak- on the Declaration. Mandela stated The Group of Eight (G8) nations cancelled and funding was given by “legislative process” according to ing decisions that will affect their the obvious: “the promise is fall- began in 1975 when the French them to help some other countries US Treasury Under-Secretary John future. ing tragically behind. Those leaders President invited the leaders of cancel some of their debt too. Taylor, although they are “complete- Nelson Mandela believes that pov- must now honour their promises to Japan, the USA, Germany, the UK The day following the Trafalgar ly committed to poverty reduction erty is not natural, just as apartheid the world’s poorest citizens.” Kumi and Italy to discuss the economic Square rally, Mandela met the G7 and providing financing to do that”. and slavery were not and that over- Naidoo pointed out, with a great problems of the day, later expand- (G8 without Russia) ministers, the This seems to be a hopeful start, coming it is not an act of charity, but response from the crowd, that world ing to include Canada and Russia. finance ministers of the world’s but Mandela calls for “action, not an act of justice. leaders could find billions of dollars It is up to the country holding the seven richest nations, who have words... with courage and vision”. For more information on the cam- for an unjust war in Iraq but could Presidency to set the agenda and backed UK Chancellor Gordon Despite the many promises from paign and forthcoming events, visit not honour their commitment to give organise the annual summit which Brown’s plans to cancel “the vast rich countries, many of the poorest www.makepovertyhistory.org. Show 0.7% of their nation’s wealth in aid. will be held in Gleneagles, Scotland bulk” of money owed by the poor- countries are becoming still poorer. your support by wearing a white The Make Poverty History cam- in July this year with the main est countries. Mr Brown said that it Much of this is due to the fact that wristband, available from Oxfam paign, a UK alliance of over 200 themes being Africa and climate would be remembered as “the 100% they have to spend so much on pay- shops. Letters to the Editor Freethinking letter I would like to express some Traditions tankard relating to his Office in his To publish or not to publish support for the college’s religious office, in contravention of accepted Dear Editor, groups. Although their diverse Dear Dave, practice. Dear Editor, supernatural beliefs are unconvinc- I feel it proper to remind this In the midst of the surging religious ing to me, I am impressed by their Apologies in advance for being a particular sabbatical, that the pot I was disappointed to read Iain activism on campus I would like community spirit, their positive whiney old fart, but does anyone else belongs not to him, but to the Union Heaton’s letter last week in which to draw attention to an emerging outlook on life, and their consid- feel as I do about the current state of and all other names engraved he attacks your editorial skills and ICU club called the Freethinking erable generosity. It is high time the Union Pots? hence. Should he persist in the rath- the article that was published on Community. that ‘non-believers’ of the college “Pots” (the beer tankards behind er ungentlemanly practice of guard- construction projects. Quite frankly Over recent weeks the college’s united in such a way, and I think the the Union Bar) are an important ing the pot thusly, he risks the wrath I find his letter “not that interest- overactive religionists have been Freethinking Community provides embodiment of the history of the of countless predecessors, some of ing”, and suggest he disappears off in full swing, plastering the noti- this opportunity. Union and a valuable historic record. which are quite sturdy and formi- to run the election campaign for ceboards with posters advertising The new club will not simply be They catalog notable members of dable. his friend, instead of wasting much numerous lunchtime debates. In a antagonistic to religious believ- Union folklore for the past century. So let’s treat this valuable archive sought after space in your quality particularly controversial event, one ers. Instead it has been given a My complaints: as such; keep it on display in the bar newspaper, with his drivel. member of the Christian Union pre- broad remit, allowing it to explore 1) The valuable historic record for all to enjoy and maintain and sented a long monologue in which he any challenging issues that inter- is not being maintained: I know of cherish it as it so richly deserves. Yours sincerely, made a sweeping attack of Atheism. est freethinkers of the college. The several pots which have not been Or else. Bob the Builder In another event, people were invit- Community could broach many engraved for more than a year (Name and department supplied) ed to “grill a Christian”, and canni- pressing topics, and perhaps it could (Council Chair being a notable Love and Hugs, bals of the college rejoiced. help revive the college populace example). In response to such radical out- from its near-fatal state of apathy. 2) In my day, were you not to An Old Fart bursts, some fellow non-believers return a pot to the bar at the end (Name and department supplied) have begun to speak out against the All the best, of the night, you would be subject barrage of proselytising; in a previ- to the most serious sanctions. One ous letter one person even stated Marcus Ellington Deputy President, who as the only Send your letters to [email protected] by 10pm Monday. Letters may be edited for that the religious zealots present a PhD Computing current 2 year DP should remain length but not for spelling or grammar, and are printed at the Editor’s discretion “farcical appearance”, but in this http://www.conversewith.me.uk/ nameless, has taken to storing the Felix Thursday 10 February 2005 www.felixonline.co.uk 11

Columns [email protected] One man’s rubbish is another man’s charity is another man’s treasure

costs money. Like food, washing University is the only time when as an original Elton John LP, or a kind of obligatory. products (the stuff your mum gets it’s acceptable to wear old, not- crushed velvet suit for £15. The idea So next time you want clothes, you for Christmas) and most impor- quite-retro-cool clothes and look that you are wearing someone’s take a gander at the fabulous stuff tantly beer, clothes and tickets. like a bedraggled sheep. You can dead grandfather’s kecks only trou- in a charity shop (NB: Notting Hill It’s hard being a student, because either buy the aforementioned stuff bles you slightly for approximately Charity has better stuff than Oxfam) whilst sleeping is cheap, and very in a ‘trendy’ shop for £££s or you can the rest of your life. Until you wash and amaze friends by your knowl- easy to do, interesting stuff usually buy it in a charity shop for only £s. them. edge of fashion trends when that costs money. Now there’s no way The best thing about living in The best thing is that it’s all for 1920s tux you’ve been wearing for around this, especially as shoplift- south west London is that the qual- charity – like RAG. In other words, a year suddenly comes back into ing is usually frowned upon (except ity of clothing in the charity shops you get to enjoy yourself and get fashion. Another plus point is that in BHS where they’re just glad to is much better than average. It’s a fantastic bargain, whilst helping you can get absolutely trashed in by TRISTAN LANE see the stock out of the door at pot luck admittedly, but quite often out the unfortunate. Of course it charity clothes and not give a toss last). So how do you cobble togeth- you can find Ralph Lauren shirts would be better just to donate, but – it’s not like you paid £120 for a pair er the money to afford that latest, and so on mixed in between the altruism really is dead nowadays. of orange trousers that melt when Charity shops are where it’s at. That must-have pair of shoes? Or that old ladies’ bras and massive pants; Amongst those with no money of your mum “accidentally” irons and the Apple store. You see, as a extra pint, or that pizza? By saving though this is not a task for the course. Bill Gates loves donating, them. Do it, it’s for a good cause, student, you should be minding the money on the rest of your clothes fainthearted. The more you look, but then he does still get all his and because no-one likes seeing pennies, as apparently most stuff of course! the more you’ll find treasures such clothes from charity shops, so it’s your bum. The girl about town

we all partake in, especially if we fit looking, more passionate in bed, and “Yes, thought I’d saw you there. you. How about you go to the techni- neatly into the two groups I relate far more authentic in their blub- Amazing wasn’t it?” cian’s room?” the best to – the single (I haven’t bering, so I tend to seek these out “Yeah, brilliant stuff. Didn’t think “Sounds like a plan. Thanks.” had a boyfriend for three years, an for a quick fling or ten. Back to the Scott had it in him at this age.” “I’ll see you around sometime, almost unachievable feat in a 70% point of interest, who, incidentally, “Who did you go with? My mate yeah? My mate’s band is playing a male institution) and looking (hav- happens to be a second year student said she’d seen you with an older gig next week – I’d love to catch up ing your two best friends fall in love – computer room guy. woman.” with you again.” with capable, emotionally supportive Scary, but true: I didn’t know how “Ah, that’s my mother. She thought Oh shit. He fancies me. Excuses, men, is definitely envy-inducing in a to burn a CD off a university compu- she’d take me out to dinner... and I excuses – hurry up and think of girl who can’t keep a guy interested ter at that point. Perfect, convenient had a spare ticket. She had a wicked something, girl! in her for more than four hours). timing to pounce on my prey – the time.” “I’m a bit busy with exams, but Perving takes place on three levels only other person in the room. He blew it then and there. This I’m sure we’ll bump into each other by STORMY WOODS – the scan (to find whether there is “Excuse me, I’ve been trying to was too wrong to be true – nobody sometime soon. I’m in a bit of a rush anything worth staring at), the pure- burn a CD, but the drive doesn’t takes their mother out for a night of right now, so take care...” Successive rejections can only make ly physical (on the guys you find aes- read. Do you have any idea what I’m complete decadence and debauch- Stormy Woods has never been ‘Her storminess’ stronger. That’s thetically perfect, but lacking in per- doing wrong?” ery. I looked at him, shocked beyond an athlete. Not until now, anyway. how I, the recipient of such declara- sonality) and the holistical (where “Show me what you’ve done.” belief, and he smiled, in the mis- Linford and his lunchbox would’ve tions to the point where they merge intellectual and emotional attraction I bent over, leaning over him so my taken belief that I’d find such a had trouble keeping up with me as into one, have got to a position at interact with the physical). I’m sure breast barely touched his shoulder, repulsive concept adorable, reveal- I legged it the hell out of there, run- which I find said experience comi- we’re all guilty as charged. and showed him exactly what I’d ing the dirtiest mouth I’d ever seen ning myself cleavage-first into my six cal, to say the least! The ultimate form of superficial tried. He tried figuring out what to on a non-pensioner. I didn’t want to foot tall and increasingly handsome The performances put before me, flattery (from the beholder) is a great do, whilst attempting to chat me up. hang around to find out whether his crush of three years and counting: by these substandard village drama way to make that essay in the com- Excellent. breath was similarly odious. biology trouser guy. Masturbation society actors in the film reel of puter labs complete. Incidentally, “Were you at the Velvet Revolver “That’s nice.” material personified. Stormy has university life, are comparable to I have three guys who make my gig on Tuesday?” he asked. “I can’t figure out how to fix this for landed. movie-oke (think karaoke in front mornings pass quicker (holistically, of a silenced movie picture) per- of course; I don’t purely lust over formers break-dancing to a boudoir men with nicknames such as ‘the scene. They compel me to laugh body’) in said location. out loud as yet another guy whose One is cute and funny (I’d over- LLooookkiinngg ffoorr ssoommeetthhiinngg iinn FFeelliixx?? intimate company I’d previously heard him conversing with others enjoyed declares himself “not ready on a number of occasions – very to have a relationship”. fine dry sense of humour there!) The giggling continues in order with very bad teeth, hence better to make him feel presumptive and viewed with mouth closed (if blond IfIf youyou wantwant moremore funfun withoutwithout used, for assuming that I was so surfer guys take your fancy). I’ve enthused by his company that I been admiring him from afar for a couldn’t live without it! Believe me year or two – especially shocking compromisingcompromising qualityquality guys, ’tis wiser not to flatter your- when you realise he’s a medic, and selves, as not every Asian female, or medics are generally conservative female full stop for that matter, who to the point of stone dullness. takes an interest in you is looking to One day, the very day I acquainted IfIf youyou wantwant aa studentstudent newspapernewspaper trap you into eventual matrimony, a myself with him, I overslept and harem of children and the obligatory didn’t make it in to a lecture. Rather weekend IKEA expeditions. Most of productively, I decided to go and toto bebe proudproud ofof us would rather (sensibly I might work on my essay instead. I didn’t add, given the quality of Imperial get any work done, since said guy men) play the field until someone was surfing rathergood.com and fitter, richer or more stimulating realised I needed to burn my essay VOTE FELIX EDITOR comes along! onto a CD, since I’d recklessly DariusDarius NikbinNikbin This brings us neatly to the subject broken my A-drive whilst getting of this week’s column, entitled ‘aes- busy on my desk with the conquest thetic admiration of a sexual nature’, responsible for the best movie-oke or ‘perving over computer room performance the previous week. I wwwwww..uunniioonn..iicc..aacc..uukk//eelleeccttiioonnss guy’. Perving is certainly an activity find younger men tend be better

Felix Thursday 10 February 2005 www.felixonline.co.uk 13

Elections [email protected] Candidate interviews Felix has interviewed all the candidates for the 2005 Imperial College Union sabbatical elections. The students you elect will take a year out from their degrees to occupy the most senior roles in your students’ union. Take a look at the Union’s article below for information on how to cast your vote and how the voting system works, then turn over to find out what the candidates had to say How do I vote? After reading the interviews on the of Art), please email elections@ic. date and so on until they no longer To decide which of the remaining elected. next few pages, we hope you will be ac.uk to arrange to vote by email. wish to express a preference. candidates are elected, the votes The main benefit of STV is that inspired to log on and cast your vote. All Union elections are carried out When it comes to counting the are transferred from candidates it avoids wasting votes in so-called The elections will be taking place by Single Transferable Vote (STV), votes, a quota is calculated which who have more than the necessary ‘safe seats’, where one candidate online from 00.01am on Friday 11 a system that has been developed sets the number of votes a candi- number to achieve the quota and might be streets ahead of the others February and will close at 11.59pm to give the voter more power than date must attain to be elected. This from the candidate with the least – in this case, the second choice can- on Tuesday 15 February. in the traditional ‘first past the post’ is simply the total number of votes number of votes. This means that didates will make a real difference. To vote, just go to www.union.ic.ac. system favoured in UK General cast, divided by one more than the where the first preference of a voter Or, similarly, you may want to back uk/vote during this time and use Elections. STV is a form of preferen- number of candidates to be elected, was not able to be used to elect a a candidate who ends up getting your Imperial College login to enter tial voting, which means that instead plus one vote. By following this for- candidate (or not necessary, in the eliminated – your vote would not be the voting site. If you are a regis- of casting a single vote for a single mula, no more than the required case of a candidate who has reached wasted, as your next preference will tered student but do not have an candidate, a voter can express a list number of candidates can reach quota), their subsequent preferenc- be reallocated to a candidate who’s IC login (for example, because you of preferences. Votes are cast by the quota. First, votes are counted es come into play. This process of still in the race. All in all, it empow- are studying a joint course between putting a ‘1’ in the column next to according to the first preferenc- transferring votes continues until ers the voter. Imperial College and another insti- the voter’s preferred candidate, a ‘2’ es, and any candidates who have the required number of candidates For more information, go to www. tution such as the Royal College beside their second favourite candi- achieved the quota are elected. have attained enough votes to be union.ic.ac.uk/elections. Re-Open Nominations ● In each of the five elections, you can vote to Re-Open Nominations (RON) ● If you don’t think any of the candidates for a Sign up now! particular post are good enough, vote RON ● If RON wins, there will be a new election for Why not get active in the community whilst you’re at Imperial that post College London? It doesn’t matter if you work or study in Imperial – volunteering will have always something to offer Is a vote for RON a wasted vote? you! We have over 250 volunteering opportunities in our

It’s not a waste at all. Not a single database, so there should be a project for you. vote in these elections is wasted. By voting RON, you are sending a mes- sage to those standing that they’re not good enough. The easiest way to get regular updates about volunteering is

Why would voting RON make by signing up to our mailing list. You will receive all the latest the Union better? opportunities on a weekly basis, directly to your email inbox. The Union is going through a time of Simply send us an email to [email protected], great upheaval. We need sabbaticals What’s RON all about then? with a clear, powerful vision, with clearly stating that you want to receive the weekly news strength and determination to see RON is Re-Open Nominations. It’s things through. bulletin and we will do the rest! an option on your online ballot slip. We need Deputy Presidents By voting RON, you’re choosing to who are capable of supporting the re-open nominations. If RON wins, President in his or her role. we’ll have a new election. Some of Looking at the Presidential candi- Imperial Volunteer Centre the candidates won’t stand, we’ll dates, some of them have a distinct remove the wheat from the chaff, lack of exp in high-profile roles. And email phone check out and better people will stand. By just because a co-pilot has seen a volunteering 020 www. Imperial Volunteer Centre re-running the election, we have pilot fly a plane once, that doesn’t @ 7594 imperial.ac.uk/ imperial.ac.uk 8141 volunteering South Kensington campus the added bonus off pissing off our mean they’re capable of doing Union Building esteemed President, Mustafa Arif. their job. People should vote RON Beit Quadrangle East Basement Voting RON sends a message to because we only want the best. Linking opportunities the candidates that we are no longer Prince Consort Road happy to accept mediocre sabbati- ● Felix spoke to Sanjeev Sarda, IN PARTNERSHIP WITH IMPERIAL COLLEGE UNION London SW7 2BB cals; we only want the best. RON campaign manager Felix 14 www.felixonline.co.uk Thursday 10 February 2005

ELECTION INTERVIEWS [email protected] PRESIDENT ● The President is the figurehead of Imperial College Union, with ultimate responsibility for all its activities ● There are 5 candidates, plus the option to Re-Open Nominations (see page 13)

COLIN SMITH one student one vote, and any stu- Obviously it comes down to what it would help clubs and societies you get. I also think that hall rents dent can vote on Union policy. the student body as a whole want, because we would draw more stu- shouldn’t be increasing every year. I and that’s part of opening the Union dents into meetings to make deci- understand that College Residences What’s the single most up to the students. I believe that sions on clubs and societies and on have to be self-funding by law, so I important thing a students’ the majority of people would want other issues. think we should be campaigning for union can do for its to take those steps, partly because this to change. We know how much members? they’re enormously important The current President money the College has, so there’s issues on a global scale and it would claimed to work 100 hours enough there to make sure that Represent them, that’s the most be stupid to ignore them. I think a week during the autumn rents don’t have to increase. important thing. I’m sure everyone’s Imperial is far too isolated and we term. How would you manage got their own idea of how they want need to address these issues. Also I the workload? What’s the one biggest their Union to be, but representa- think it would strengthen the Union change you’d make to tion is the key issue. if we did campaign on issues that I think Mustafa complains a lot, but Imperial College Union? people care about, because it would I do understand it is an extremely Should Imperial College involve them in the process and give demanding job. I’m very politically Most people would see the big- Union be campaigning to people more confidence and more active as a person, I spend most gest change as a drive to General Why are you standing for free Babar Ahmad? faith in the Union if it’s being seen days, nights and weekends doing Meetings, one student one vote, President? to fight on different fronts. Look at stuff politically as well as doing my instead of Council meetings. I think The Union should most definitely LSE, they’re taking a stance on the course, so I think that would be good most students would see that as a For a lot of reasons really. One of be campaigning for his release. I war and they regularly have three preparation. I am involved in a lot of positive change. them is that I’m sick and tired of the believe we should have campaigned or four hundred people at general things across the board, and I think way the Union’s been run over the for his release even if he had no meetings discussing these issues President would be a good step up. Why should people vote for last couple of years – basically I don’t connection with Imperial, but since and others. you ahead of the other think it’s a representative or demo- he does have that connection it’s What are your views on hall candidates? cratic organisation in any sense of unquestionable. As a Union we can Can the Union really make a rents? Should they be based what those words should mean. So have a real influence in the cam- difference on those issues, on students’ ability to pay? I think there’s a similar thrust to part of why I’m standing is because, paign as we’re his former College, so or would it be better to spend what the other four candidates if elected, I would make a number of it’s important that we get involved. the time and resources on My stance is that rents should be are saying. They want to basically changes to make the Union far more clubs and societies? based on students’ ability to pay maintain what’s happening at the representative of the student body, What about other political – richer students should pay more moment and make minor changes, such as moving from the enclosed, issues, such as ‘stop George I don’t think it would detract in any for their accommodation, subsidis- but I think change is what we need, bureaucratic Council system to the Bush’ or pulling British troops way from clubs and societies – I ing those who can’t afford it. Within to make ICU a fighting students’ General Meeting system where it’s out of Iraq? think our Union can do both. Actually that, it should be random which hall union.

SIMON RAWSON important thing a students’ years. When the new Southside halls ground floor. I think the main foyer you get a much more realistic idea union can do for its are built in a few years’ time, I do not is grotesque and needs completely of how things actually work. I’ve members? want to see rents shoot through the overhauling and modernising, our thoroughly enjoyed being behind the roof like they have done in Beit. entertainment venues could do with scenes, not just being a person who Activities, identities and services modernising, and there’s no doubt says how they want it to be, but are three core areas, but if I had to Should rents be based on that the catering facilities in Da being a person who actually makes pick one I’d pick representation. students’ ability to pay? Vinci’s need to be brought into the it happen. Should richer students pay 21st century. Should Imperial College more for the same quality of Why should people vote for Union be campaigning to accommodation? You also mention your you ahead of the other free Babar Ahmad? “involvement with ICU at candidates? No. every level”. How would that In my opinion, no. I personally make you a good President? As I’ve said, I have got a broad level believe that he should be freed and You say in your manifesto of experience from different points I support the campaign, however that you support moves to Well initially I got involved in a of view, the inside and outside, as a I don’t think that’s the role of the modernise Beit Quad. Which handful of clubs and societies in student and a staff member. I don’t Why are you standing for Union. I see ICU fighting directly for moves in particular? my first year, as I think most peo- think it’s a fair argument to say President? students on issues that affect stu- ple did. I went on to be chairman that a newcomer to the post would dents here and now, and I think it’s As I said, I think the current moves of Musical Theatre Society, before take months to get to grips with Well, I’ve been involved with the stu- stretching that definition quite far to modernise the Quad are excel- becoming chairman of the Arts and it. In actual fact I will say explic- dents’ union for the last four years to say that the Free Babar Ahmad lent, and I am fully behind them. Entertainments Board this academ- itly now that I am against two-year now, since I’ve been at Imperial campaign affects the students right However I wouldn’t let anything go ic year. I’ve also been involved as sabbatical positions. Sabbaticals are College, and it’s something I’ve now. ahead that would jeopardise club senior part time staff in the ents there to give the ideas, the repre- thoroughly enjoyed being involved and society activities. In particular department for the past two and a sentation and the leadership, not in. I’ve got a lot out of it, and in the What are your views on hall I’m thinking about the Union gym half years. I’ve thoroughly enjoyed to do the day-to-day work. After corny sense of the word it’s time to rents? and some of the meeting rooms. working for the Union, and I think people become removed from the put something back into it. I also In my opinion, the plans for the that having seen both sides of the student body, they become removed firmly believe I’ve got something I feel that it’s important that the gym and some of the meeting rooms Union does make me a better candi- from student opinion. I believe that real to give to the students’ union, College offers a range of accommo- have not been thought through fully, date, as I have a realistic impression I offer a realistic outlook for the in terms of my leadership, my ideas, dation, and a high standard. Rents and we’d be putting ourselves in a of what goes on. Working as a volun- Union. I’m talking real things, real and my passion for the Union. at the moment are getting towards seriously difficult position in terms teer officer you can get a very ide- achievements, sensible ideas, not extortionate levels, and I would like of clubs and societies. However I am alistic viewpoint of what you should campaigns to save the world or stop What’s the single most to see them held for the next few fully in favour of modernising the be achieving, but working as staff the war in Iraq.

MAKE YOUR VOICE HEARD Vote online Friday 11 – Tuesday 15 February www.union.ic.ac.uk/elections Felix Thursday 10 February 2005 www.felixonline.co.uk 15

ELECTION INTERVIEWS [email protected]

MORTEN OLESEN their regular inputs to Felix should In my opinion, no. I think political never buckled under the pressure. suggestion of having a coffee bar make it clear what they’ve done issues that deal with things that There will be weeks when you can in place of Da Vinci’s is one of the over the past couple of weeks, so are directly relevant to students, take it slightly easier. greatest suggestions made by the students know. Also, with the web- such as top-up fees and hall rents, Union this year – somewhere people site, it would be so easy to create are issues where the Union should What are your views on hall can go where there’s no suggestion a forum where students can post campaign on behalf of the students. rents? Should they be based of alcohol consumption around them their comments and questions to the But on other political issues such as on students’ ability to pay? and where they can go and sit in the sabbs. It wouldn’t take long to reply, Babar Ahmad and the war in Iraq, I afternoon. and I think it should be demanded don’t think it’s the role of the Union I can see the logic behind standard- of sabbs to take 15 to 30 minutes to to have a stance, because it would ising all hall accommodation, but at What’s the one biggest sit down and answer questions from seem that the Union was dictating the end of the day, there are people change you’d make to the students, so people feel that to the students what their opinion who aren’t able to pay £150 a week, Imperial College Union? their queries are being answered. should be. It should be the role of so there should be cheaper rooms the Union to ensure that people can that cater for what people are able I think it’s the kind of person that What’s the single most express their views and act within to pay. I am, I’m a lot different to the important thing a students’ the law to support those views, such Presidents that we’ve had recently. Why are you standing for union can do for its as through demonstrations. Your manifesto promises to Not to say anything bad about them, President? members? make the Union “a venue that but I think I’ll be more approach- The current President caters for everyone”. How able, and I think people will actu- I’m standing because I want to make I think it’s got to be the represen- claimed to work 100 hours will you achieve that? ally believe I’m representing their a difference. Over the last three and tation, which I think is especially a week during the autumn points of view. a half years that I’ve been here, I’ve important for our union. Not enough term. How would you manage At the moment, what hits you when felt that people don’t get involved people are interested, and the Union the workload? you walk in is the bar, basically. We Why should people vote for enough with the Union, and I think I can’t represent students’ views to have late licences on Wednesdays you ahead of the other can change that. the College or cater for their opin- It’s a good question... I think every- and Fridays, all broadly based on candidates? ions and demands if students don’t body at some point will have worked a European mentality of going out. How? get involved. that amount for their degree, if But at the moment we have 40% People should vote for me if they you’ve got lots of coursework due in overseas students, people who come think I’m the best candidate, and First of all, I think the website and Should Imperial College on one day, or in the last few weeks from a culture that doesn’t involve if they think I’ll be able to do the Felix are underused for two-way Union be campaigning to before your exams. I’ve worked that going out for a pint, and I think they things that I promise to do. But the communucation. I think the sabbs in free Babar Ahmad? hard some weeks for my degree and should be catered for. I think the most important thing is to vote.

SAMEENA MISBAHUDDIN this year, such as the refurbishment Bush’ or pulling British troops dents from living in our halls or com- What’s the one biggest project and the strategic review. out of Iraq? ing to our university. We also need change you’d make to to ensure that there’s sufficient help Imperial College Union? What’s the single most At the end of the day, if students for students who can’t afford our important thing a students’ have a passion for something, they prices, such as by making sure there Improve the communication, union can do for its should be supported in terms of are always options available to share making it a more approachable members? advice and ideas, but the students’ rooms to reduce the cost. and proactive Union that’s positive union needs to be dealing with stu- in getting things done and mak- Give them what they want, and dents’ issues primarily. Should rents be based on ing them happen. I want it to be a serve them in the way they want to students’ ability to pay? students’ union that students are be served. The current President proud of. claimed to work 100 hours I think we need to look at the stu- Should Imperial College a week during the autumn dents’ ability to pay, but we also Why should people vote for Union be campaigning to term. How would you manage need to look at the bursaries and you ahead of the other free Babar Ahmad? the workload? help that are available. candidates?

Why are you standing for I think if students have a passion I’ve already been a Deputy, so I am But should richer students Because I’ve got the experience President? for something then they should be capable of doing it, and I do spend pay more for the same quality and the knowledge to make changes encouraged to follow that passion. a lot of time working this year. The of accommodation? Yes or happen. I’ve already proved myself I want to get a Union that the stu- So if they have a passion for this fact that I have the experience and no? by fulfilling most of my manifesto dents are proud of. I’ve got the cause, they should be given advice the knowledge of deputising this pledges from last year, even though experience and the knowledge from and helped to follow it. However, I year means that I don’t need to One thing I’ve found is that the I’ve still got six months in office being a Deputy President this year. don’t feel that Union backing actual- spend the time learning the job. people who lose out in the system left. I’ve played a leading role in big I want to make sure that clubs and ly improves the situation in this case. are just on the borderline, paying projects that this Union is under- societies don’t have the ridiculous I don’t feel that having a Council What are your views on hall prices that are high and they just taking, like refurbishment and the hassle of paperwork that we put on motion actually helps this cause. rents? about can afford. I think the issue is strategic review. We need someone them – it should be done online. I that we need to ensure that financial who can hit the ground running and want to ensure that the Union con- What about other political We need to ensure that the price of aid is available for students who are continue these projects, rather than tinues with the projects it’s started issues, such as ‘stop George accommodation doesn’t deter stu- unable to pay the higher prices. having to learn them.

JAMES DEVINE active role in clubs and societies, Bush’ or pulling British troops What are your views on hall First of all, persuade people within and I have management experience out of Iraq? rents? Should they be based the current Union structure that from summer placements working on students’ ability to pay? these pledges are worth delivering in industry. Also ICU is a big team Personally I think it’s a great idea, on, then following through to make operation, and I’m able to motivate let’s go and campaign for every- From the Union’s perspective we sure they happen. staff and fellow student officers. thing... but it comes down to a ques- need to argue for equality, and I tion of resources, and we have to use think in these terms that means What’s the one biggest What’s the single most our resources in the best interests equal rent for equal accommoda- change you’d make to important thing a students’ of the students. At the end of the tion. Imperial College Union? union can do for its day, you have to do the sums, and members? it might be better to put money into In your manifesto, you say the Not to change anything unless I had staff than campaign against George College must put students a good reason. I think, particularly Representation, because nobody Bush. first. How will you make sure with the strategic review, there will else can do it. The Union is the only they do that? be a lot of changes arising, not nec- body charged with that responsibil- The current President essarily done in the best interests of ity. claimed to work 100 hours By working with them, not against the students. It’s important to think Why are you standing for a week during the autumn them. I don’t think confrontation about whether changes will help President? Should Imperial College term. How would you manage benefits the students. We also need students before we make them. Union be campaigning to the workload? to show them what we can do for Because I think I can make a dif- free Babar Ahmad? them – it’s not a one-way game. The Why should people vote for ference. It comes down to prioritising. College need to put students as their you ahead of the other Personally I think it’s an issue of There’s an awful lot of work that first priority but also need to under- candidates? What qualities would you conscience. If the majority of stu- lands on the President’s desk, stand the Union can do things for the bring to the job? dents are in favour of it, then we and a lot of it is important, but I’m College that the College can’t neces- I’m competent, capable and com- should go for it. sure some of it is not important. sary do as well for themselves. mitted to doing the job. What I think I’m an experienced member of the It’s a case of choosing those things sets me apart from the rest are my Union – I’ve been part of it since I What about other political that you actually need to do and del- How will you make your skills as a leader, communicator and started at Imperial. I’ve taken an issues, such as ‘stop George egating the rest as appropriate. manifesto pledges happen? team worker. Felix 16 www.felixonline.co.uk Thursday 10 February 2005

ELECTION INTERVIEWS [email protected] DEPUTY PRESIDENT (FINANCE & SERVICES) ● The DP(F&S) is responsible for all the Union’s finances and commercial services ● There are 3 candidates, plus the option to Re-Open Nominations (see page 13)

EDWARD PIGGOTT What’s your opinion on instance, have always been popular well use it to implement a system The bureaucracy. I cannot stand it; modernising Beit Quad? with sports clubs. Basically it comes whereby club officers can use it in a it’s overbearing on our officers. I’d down to finding out what the stu- way that they want to. We may need change it by simplifying it, moving It’s a double-edged sword really. dents want, and then doing it so you 25 different forms, but we don’t need a lot of it online, making things so Coming from the position of Equal actually get feedback. 25 different bits of paper. Also, one of much easier and better for the ordi- Oppportunities Officer this year, I the things that’s really got my blood nary students on the ground who can see that there is some moderni- What do you think they want? boiling is the fact that about £37,000 get involved in clubs and societies. sation needed in order to comply currently needs to be accounted for. with legislation that will be coming Cheap beer, good music and the That’s a lot of money. Why should people vote for into force towards the end of this ability to go somewhere with their you ahead of the other year. Ultimately this Union needs friends where they feel safe. Your manifesto says “more candidates? to give the members what they money for clubs & societies”. want, and if we’re not doing what Do you think the Union Where will it come from? I’ve been involved in this Union for the members want, then we should wastes money? a fairly long time. I’ve got one of the change what we’re doing. However We need to prioritise properly. It’s most wide-ranging sets of experi- if the members are happy with the Yes. not that difficult. Money will still ences within the Union, not just one building, we should keep it as it is, come from the block grant from particular pathway. I also have the Why are you standing? but still remembering the new legis- Where, and how will you stop College, but also by looking at our track record of doing what needs to lation that’s coming in. it? commercial outlets, things like be done. A lot of the positions I’ve I’m standing because of the fact that catering, bars, the shop and the taken, there’s been no-one else to I feel it’s a job I can do. I’ve always How can the Union improve For one thing, we do a lot of duplica- newsagent. If we give our mem- do them, so I’ve stepped into the been involved in the Union since ents to attract more tion. Lots and lots of paperwork gets bers what they want, they can go in breach, I’ve done the job and then I first came to the College back in students? duplicated. I know this from being a and buy it, and we can recycle that passed on the mantle to another October of 2001. This is something club officer, we have to pay for these money back to them via their club student officer who’s taken up the that I feel I’m actually quite good at, Again, it’s a double-edged sword things to be printed and processed, or society. reins. To be frank, I’ve lost more and I can use the abilities that I have there. You get many people within and what’s the point? We can do elections than I’ve won, but I’m still naturally to give something back to the College who like the ents that all these things on the web, using What’s the one biggest here, I’m still fighting, and it doesn’t the students. we have. Wednesday nights, for the data from College. We might as change you’d make? faze me any more.

ROBIN AVERY their job, and I feel I can do some- Da Vinci’s, from what I know, doesn’t Any institution wastes money, it’s Your manifesto promises thing to make their jobs easier. Also have a huge amount of trade and just a case of how much. Nothing “more support for clubs and because I like this place, I think I’d Union ents aren’t that well attended. is entirely efficient. I personally societies”. How will you be good for the job and good for the That’s something that I’d like to haven’t had chance to look into provide that? people. sort out to begin with. Some people the Union’s finances in detail, might think that having three bars but I’d like to review the fund- I plan to be available five or What’s your opinion on on the same floor is excessive, but ing and subsidies given to clubs six hours a day. I still have the modernising Beit Quad? they all serve different purposes, and societies. Arts clubs are idealistic view that I can spend and you can get a coffee just about horrifically underfunded. I feel time in my office, so people can We do need to review the amount anywhere around here. that at an institution where come up and ask me questions and of space that different clubs and we don’t have any taught arts, I can help them. I would plan to societies get for storage purposes How can the Union improve it’s very important to have some be around almost all the time for and just for general meetings pur- ents to attract more arts through the Union, so we people. poses. Rooms like the Union Dining students? can be recognised for having a fan- Hall are nigh on impossible to book tastic Symphony Orchestra and a Why should people vote for sometimes. We need more room for Ask the students what they actu- good Big Band that enters com- you ahead of the other clubs and societies, because there ally want, using an incentive-based petitions and wins things. The Big candidates? Why are you standing? are something like 250 of them survey. What I really liked about the Band had to put in a contingency here. The ideas of having a dedi- last series of elections was the abil- claim for a competition last year, I feel I have the experience at the I feel that I’d be good for the job cated Council chamber or a whole ity to donate 25p to a club or society whereas sports clubs get something grass roots level. It’s people at that because I have experience in run- set of new offices are probably not of the voter’s choice, so if we could like £1000 for that. I’m not saying we level who have a thankless task, ning lower level clubs and societies necessary. do that with a survey, I’d like to. should cut funding for sports, but a huge workload put on them and in the treasury department and also we need more money for arts and very little training. They need the the chair department. I know how What about having a coffee Do you think the Union entertainments to level the playing help from someone who has done it hard it can be for treasurers to do bar instead of Da Vinci’s? wastes money? field. and knows about it.

TIM APLIN What qualities can you bring Do you have any ideas of your en masse – I’d have to consult with you have to look carefully at where to the role? own about modernising the the line managers and see what was the losses are going to come from. Union building? possible. If there was no increase from the A lot of experience that comes with College or trust funds or anything, participating, being a member of From what I know, I haven’t heard of Do you think the Union I’d have to look towards outside staff, having good working relation- anybody trying to integrate together wastes money? sources of income, possibly blanket ships, and generally having a good bars and catering into one unit. That sponsorship, but that’s a long way feel for what people want in the could bring a lot of savings in terms I don’t think it wastes money per into the future. Union. of staff time, and also efficiency and se, but I think in some parts it runs quality. with a certain degree of inefficiency. Why should people vote for What’s your opinion on By taking closer looks at parts of the you ahead of the other modernising Beit Quad? Your manifesto says that Union, parts of the process, you can candidates? Wednesday and Friday nights find a lot of inefficiencies and make I think it’s a good idea and it’s prob- at the Union have “fallen the place run smoother and at lower Because, unlike both the other can- ably something that’s been overdue below par”. How would you cost. didates, I have constantly sought for a while now. I think it needs a improve them? bigger challenges, and succeeded little more thought, it needs more Should clubs and societies be at what I’ve tried to do. If you look Why are you standing? consultation of students as to what I think it’s very important that we given more money? at Robin, he’s done one club, I’ve they actually want, such as the cof- try harder to tap student groups overseen 45. I recently sat on the Because it’s my final year and I’ve fee style venue and non-smoking who don’t particularly have any In principle yes, because my ori- finance review group of the Union, been involved with the Union back areas. reason to come into the Union gins come from clubs and societies. which looked at club and society and forth every year that I’ve been on Wednesday and Friday nights, But you have to look at the bigger budgeting as a whole, and I’m very here. I’ve had experience on both More consultation than the such as most of the overseas picture and see where the money’s keen to continue that, something sides of finance and services, work- strategic review, which has students, the Europeans particular- going to come from. Obviously we which neither Robin nor Edward ing in the bars, participating in just taken place? ly. The Asians seldom come into the have the subvention from College have done. I think my experience on clubs, and I’ve been active amongst Union unless it’s one of their own which goes towards pretty much both sides of the bar brings me out the Union and on the committees Yes, I think we need more detailed events. I don’t have any clear cut everything in the Union. In princi- as a stronger candidate on the serv- as well. reviews on specific aspects of it. idea on how to attract those groups ple it is definitely a good idea, but ices side than both of them. Felix Thursday 10 February 2005 www.felixonline.co.uk 17

ELECTION INTERVIEWS [email protected] DEPUTY PRESIDENT (CLUBS & SOCIETIES) ● The DP(C&S) is responsible for all the Union’s clubs, societies and student activities ● There are 2 candidates, plus the option to Re-Open Nominations (see page 13)

JAMES THATCHER dents are members of clubs and it’s What’s your view on the That’s a very interesting issue, is online forms, online documenta- a fantastic service. The Union has redevelopment of Beit Quad because obviously the sports clubs tion – it would be so much more to be there to handle the bureauc- and its effect on clubs and and the non-sports clubs have a lot efficient. racy and make sure the clubs can societies? of differences. I don’t think we need do what they want to do. Having another sabbatical officer to deal Why should people vote for been involved on the club side, I also Some proposals have been made with clubs. The CSC chairs have to you ahead of Simon or RON? wanted to be involved on the Union to change the nature of the Union work very hard to do the jobs that side and put something back in. gym, and this concerns me a lot, they do, but I think they do them Simon says he’d like to make sure especially as we’re going to be clos- really well. that every club or society has a If you’re elected, how will you ing Southside in July and the Sports home. This just isn’t a feasible aim. make a noticeable difference Centre potentially could be late. I What’s the one biggest We only have a limited amount of to students’ lives at Imperial? don’t think we should change the change you’d make to space and we have to make the nature of the gym until we know for Imperial College Union? best of what we’ve got. I want to My main aim is to be there for the sure we’re going to have somewhere run an organised and efficient sys- club officers. Hopefully if I do my job to put all the clubs. I think its important that we have tem to represent the clubs so that Why are you standing? well, the students should know noth- continuity. That’s why, in my their problems are dealt with swiftly ing about me. If I’m working effec- Do you think there should be manifesto, I’m not really saying and they’re not waiting around for Basically I think that the clubs at tively, they shouldn’t have any cause a separate sabbatical officer that I’ll try to make huge changes. things to get processed or to get Imperial do a great job. So many stu- to moan and won’t hear about me. to deal with sports clubs? But the one thing we really need answers.

SIMON MATTHEWS as treasurer of the Science Fiction problem with gym space. At the top One of your goals is to “see nication between clubs, and get the society, and then I took over the of the building, we could make much every club have a home”. Is whole system working smoothly. SCC treasurer role because it was better use of the space up there, and that realistic? quite frankly crap and I thought I renovation will give us the opportu- Why should people vote for could do the job better. Then I took nity to do that. It’s not entirely. It’s what my dream you ahead of James or RON? over the SCC Chair role, so I’ve just would be, so to speak. Even if it’s been moving up, so to speak, getting Do you think there should be a room shared between five or ten Voting RON is a bad option because things better organised and mak- a separate sabbatical officer clubs, having a home just gives you it just means that the elections have ing things better for everyone else to deal with sports clubs? the stability so you can work with to happen again, you’re unlikely to around. your members and get them more get any new candidates, and you’re I don’t really think it’s needed. I involved. just backing yourself into a corner What’s your view on the think if you have a separate sabbati- and making things worse. As for redevelopment of Beit Quad cal for sports you’re just going to be What’s the one biggest James, the big difference is our and its effect on clubs and duplicating work and people aren’t change you’d make to backgrounds – he has very limited societies? going to be working as efficiently Imperial College Union? and narrow experience, whereas Why are you standing? and effectively. Possibly you might I’ve got a much better track record It gives us a good opportunity, but want some extra support to help Personally my goals are to make of getting things done and a much Mostly because it seems like a fairly obviously we need to be careful, the ACC exec organise things, but I an immediate impact and improve broader experience of things around natural progression. I started off because there’s going to be a big don’t think we need an extra sabb. things like room bookings, commu- the Union. DEPUTY PRESIDENT (EDUCATION & WELFARE) ● The DP(E&W) is responsible for promoting important welfare issues and safe-guarding the education of students ● There are 2 candidates, plus the option to Re-Open Nominations (see page 13)

SARAH KHATIB have an input in the Union. I’m an after the Christmas holiday, which be fair, and my vision of fair is that dep reps, because their job is to get international student myself, I’ve was really short. I can make chang- all halls should increase in the same feedback from students. Students depended quite a lot on the services es for the future, but not for the next way. I think students should have a aren’t really that responsive, some- of the Union, and that’s why I’m sen- few years because term dates have say on whether they want an expen- times they’re shy, so I think it’s sitive to students’ needs in general, already been set, As for lectures sive or a cheap room. important that dep reps go up and concerning their welfare and their being at the wrong time of day, I ask them and make sure every- education. I’ve been a rep, and I think this is an issue that has to What’s the one biggest thing’s OK, otherwise they won’t get think students have the right to be be dealt with. It’s important that change you’d make to that feedback. involved and say what they think. students get a break during the day, Imperial College Union? and I’m sure there’s another times- Why should people vote for How would you address the lot apart from lunchtime that can I want to galvanise the dep rep you ahead of Aleks or RON? recent problems with exam be used. scheme. and lecture timetables? Because I think I am determined What are your views on hall How would you do that? enough, I’m a very friendly and out- Why are you standing? Concerning exams, the problem this rents? spoken person, and I think people year was mainly with aeronautics, Firstly I need to make sure that dep need to have a connection with the I’m standing because I’m eager to because the exams were straight I think hall rent increases have to reps are enthusiastic about being person doing that job.

ALEKS CORR and I’m quite confident so I know year, and I was just outraged. People need to realise that the I’d like to see more awareness for who to talk to. Not everyone is confi- Union is there for them. disabled people and people with dent, and not everyone knows what If you had a reading week, learning disabilities, because it’s is there. I want to make people more wouldn’t you have to lose What are your views on hall pushed under the carpet a bit. I’d aware, and I think I can do that. some lectures as a result? rents? also like to get more postgrads involved within the Union. You say you “would like to No. If the lecturers plan their time I think the students should be able see more subjects introduc- well, then there’s no problem with to choose what price bracket they’re Why should people vote for ing reading weeks”. Why? it, surely. in. Costs should be different across you ahead of Sarah or RON? the halls, but rents shouldn’t be I think people might pick up on that If you’re elected, how will you based on students’ ability to pay I’ve been working at the Union for wrong. What I really meant was not make a noticeable difference – there are so many grants out there four years and I know a lot of differ- necessarily a reading week as such, to students’ lives at Imperial? for students if they need them. ent people throughout the College but more time to prepare for exams, to talk to, not just students. They Why are you standing? because you can’t do well in exams Having more time to do their work What’s the one biggest should vote for me because I’m going when you haven’t got time to pre- would make people less stressed, change you’d make to to be better! I’ve got fantastic people I’ve used the welfare system before, pare for them. That affected me this and they’d enjoy themselves more. Imperial College Union? skills and I’m well organised. Felix 18 www.felixonline.co.uk Thursday 10 February 2005

ELECTION INTERVIEWS [email protected] FELIX EDITOR ● The Felix Editor is responsible for the editing and management of this newspaper ● There are 4 candidates, plus the option to Re-Open Nominations (see page 13)

MARTIN SMITH and other articles in my second year, experience do you have? being invited to write something. survey over the summer and see and editing the books section in my what people think. third year. So I feel it’s something This year I’m pleased to say that I’ve Which is more important: that I’d be very passionate about taken the books section from non- giving students something Why should people vote for and spend a lot of time on, and I’ve existence to a regular feature. I’ve to read or something to you ahead of the other got the experience to do it. also edited Broadsheet, the Faculty contribute to? candidates or RON? of Physical Sciences newspaper. What is Felix’s role? I think it’s more important that Felix Well, RON certainly doesn’t have any How would you attract more is there for people to express their experience in Felix, and I’m not sure Constitutionally, Felix is supposed to contributors to Felix? views and develop some writing that Rupert does either. The other provide students with College and skills. You can contribute in a lot two candidates have Felix experi- Union news and that kind of thing. The thing to do is start off well. You of different ways, whether it’s car- ence, but perhaps they don’t have But I think Felix would be better need to have a good base of writ- toons, photography, reviews... wider editorial or financial experi- serving the students if it not only ers at the beginning of the term, ence. I’m the only candidate who can gave them the facts, but also some to fire people up and kick-start the Would you go back to the A4 provide Felix experience and wider different opinions about the events, opinion column process and the magazine style? experience, through Broadsheet. Why are you standing? and why things going on at Council, comment section. I can use the net- I’ve got the clearest policies and the for example, are relevant to them. work of writers I’ve built up through I’d certainly be tempted, because most attainable vision, and I’ll make Well, I’ve enjoyed reading Felix in Broadsheet, Felix books and other it had some advantages, but I’d be Felix into a newspaper that people my first year, writing crosswords What writing and editing areas. There’s nothing quite like more than willing to subject it to a want to read and want to write for.

DARIUS NIKBIN scope for improvement. As you can managing and editing the science issues of the day. What’s the single biggest see in my manifesto, I think I can section, last year as well, and pre- change you’d make to Felix? continue to push things forward in viously the film section. Also I’ve Would you go back to the A4 Felix. been involved recently in managing magazine style? The single biggest change is that I groups of writers for a new spinoff would encourage a broader group of What is Felix’s role? from Felix in the future. I think the decision was originally writers to write more humorously. I made not just on the format but on think a phrase I’ve used was to be Firstly it’s there to inform and enter- How would you attract more financial considerations as well. If more relevant in content and more tain the student body. It’s also there contributors to Felix? I was to make that decision in the irreverent in humour. as a medium for freedom of speech, summer, I’d look at the finances and so people can express themselves With the science section we’ve had then decide. I think the newspaper Why should people vote for through Felix. It also has a cen- a very wide range of contributors. format has gone down surprisingly you ahead of the other tral role in communicating what the I’ve organised that through week- well. candidates or RON? Union is doing for the students, and ly meetings, encouraging people especially in communicating what to express their views in an open Which is more important: First of all I’m the most experienced clubs and societies are doing. forum. As Editor I would gener- giving students something section editor on Felix, so I’ve got Why are you standing? ally try to engage the student body to read or something to more experience than the other can- What relevant experience do – if students find something in Felix contribute to? didates. I think my aims are more I’ve really enjoyed writing for Felix, you have? they’re really interested in, they will realistic, and I’ve got a proven track editing and just being involved in respond. It’s about being in touch I don’t think you can really compare record of delivering both humour the thing. I’ve realised that there’s In terms of Felix, this year I’ve been with the student Zeitgeist and the the two. and serious content.

RUPERT NEATE ing – more fun, more comedy, more experience at The Guardian. I’m a recently because I’ve been ill a lot so Which is more important: serious news and more opinions to really sociable person, unlike some I haven’t been in College. giving students something represent what the students are at Imperial, so I think I’d be good at to read or something to thinking. Also because I want to be managing people. Would you go back to the A4 contribute to? a journalist and this would be great magazine style? work experience. You’ve had three years at I think it’s much more important Imperial... what’s your opin- I personally don’t really have a pref- to give people something to read, What is Felix’s role? ion of Felix during that time? erence – I think it would be up to the because there are more people in students to decide, using a poll at that category. To inform the students about stuff I really liked last year’s Felix. It was the end of this year. that’s going on in College and also a bit more light-hearted, and I really Why should people vote for stuff that’s going on in the world liked the ‘Ash’s Voice of Reason’ col- How would you attract more you ahead of the other that’s relevant to students, and to umn and the page 3. contributors to Felix? candidates or RON? express students’ views. Why have you never been in- I think if we had a special ‘come I think people should vote for Darius What relevant experience do volved with Felix regularly? and write for Felix’ day, people if they like the science section and Why are you standing? you have? could pop in throughout the day, want more science. If people are I was so busy with other uni see what goes on, do whatever they scouts or they like origami then per- Mainly because I want to give some- I’ve written one front page story for stuff, and I didn’t realise that it’d like, and if you get people interested haps they’ve got other people to vote thing back to the students, and also Felix, and I’ve also been published be something I’d like to do until early enough, quite a lot of them for. I seem to be the only one who’s because I think Felix needs improv- in local newspapers and had work more recently. I haven’t contributed would carry on. had actual newspaper experience.

SIMON CLARK with Felix for a while, and I’ve I’ve been writing for Felix since I got I’d like to see articles by or about as giving students something always enjoyed working on it. Felix here. I’ve been editing the nightlife many different people from around to read or something to is good at the moment, but there’s a section this year, which has involved the College as possible. There’s contribute to? lot of potential for expanding it and editing, layout and getting people to huge diversity here, and at the covering a lot more things that mat- write for me, trying to get as many moment Felix doesn’t really cover it Given that there are a lot more ter to the students. people involved as possible. I also all, for whatever reason. readers than contributors, I’d produced a Scouts newspaper last probably say something to read, What is Felix’s role? summer. Would you go back to the A4 but they are both very important magazine style? things. To inform and entertain the stu- You’ve had three years at dents, and allow them to tell one Imperial... what’s your opin- I’d like to re-run the survey from Why should people vote for another about what they’re doing ion of Felix during that time? last year. Subject to that, my per- you ahead of the other and what’s going on within their sonal preference would be for keep- candidates or RON? Union. Also to give people some- It’s developed from being an enter- ing it as a newspaper. I know there’s thing to get involved in, because the taining magazine into a full-blown a Union rule about having news on I’m in touch with the students, prob- contributors can get a lot out of it newspaper, and I’d aim to carry that the front page, and I don’t think that ably more than the other candidates, Why are you standing? as well. on and make it even better. would look particularly good as a and as such in a better position to magazine. get more people involved, get more I think there’s a lot that I could bring What writing and editing What’s the single biggest contributions, and cover more of the to the position. I’ve been involved experience do you have? change you’d make to Felix? Which is more important: College community. �������� �����

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Clubs & Societies [email protected] Ten things I can do that you can’t EPISODE THREE: The Ultimate Wheel

JUGGLING CLUB you crash, in which case they s1 2 3 tend to sever your tendons. Just consider it fair warning. By Chris Rowlands You can either mount with the assistance of a wall or lamp- I’m told that a good way to post, or free mount which is start an article is with a witty harder – you just jump on and comment or startling revela- pray. See the Big Red Ball tion. After considering this, I episode for more information have come to the conclusion on the importance of prayer. that I don’t have anything star- After that, pedal. Try to tling to reveal (well, legally keep the Wheel upright [see anyway) and that being witty picture 3]. I appreciate that is difficult when challenged, this is probably obvious, as people who know me are but the faster you go, the very much aware. easier it is to keep going. If Therefore I will start the you have done this indoors, article like this: those who you’re about to find a small are disappointed can send a problem with the Ultimate stamped self-addressed enve- Wheel... lope with £10 in used notes Changing direction. You’re to me and I will send a writ- probably quite pleased that ten apology. And with that, you’ve not suffered major here’s this weeks topic of damage by now, but this state minor insanity – the Ultimate of affairs is about to change 4 5 Wheel! unless you move away from The Ultimate Wheel is the the looming wall. In order ideal thing for people who to achieve this, wrench your think unicycling is for wus- hips in one direction, hard, sies. If you can unicycle, the and put your weight slightly most obvious thing is surely to over to that side [see picture take the seat away for added 4]. Now push your vertebrae difficulty, right? You wouldn’t back into place. think it is possible, but some Finally, you’ve got to get sanity-deprived individuals off. I recommend falling – it’s can actually transport them- easier and almost a foregone selves on this device, which conclusion after a while. basically consists of a wheel Alternatively you can step off, with two pedals and nothing but the net effect is much the else. Only the mentally dis- same [see picture 5]. turbed need apply. Well, that’s it. If anyone In order to ride this lunatic has an Ultimate Wheel that contraption, the first step is they didn’t know how to use, to put your feet on it. Our they do now. If, for whatever carefully selected model (no reason, you don’t have one expense spared) demon- (and lets face it – why not, strates [see picture 1]. dammit?) you can always use The next thing to do is ours. Mail [email protected], mount the Wheel properly come to juggling on Tuesdays [see picture 2]. Thankfully, at 6pm and we’ll let you play the pedals are quite sticky so with it, as well as many other 1. Put one foot on the pedal; 2. Mount the wheel; 3. Pedal, keeping the wheel upright; 4. Change direction; your feet don’t fall off, unless things. Ahem. 5. Dismount. Simple! I’m special too In the first of a series of articles, we showcase one of IC Radio’s many specialist music shows

IC RADIO (Instru)mental was created fairly accurate description people to come in and play It’s easy to get bored with last October with the aim of of my show, I think it fails more mainstream music, the music policy of the Union. giving me an opportunity to to capture the real spirit of or even do news and cur- R’n’B and drum and bass are take the music I listen to and IC Radio. I’m certainly not a rent affairs, but the brilliant alright, but the Union really (Instru)mental present it to anyone who is professional, and although IC thing about IC Radio (or lacks the variety of specialist Presented by: Anno Domini interested. The emphasis is Radio does produce shows of indeed any student radio) is music that student radio can Style: Hard dance on the tougher varieties of a high quality, the emphasis is that we are your radio sta- offer. When: Wednesdays dance music, in particular much more about having fun tion, and part of the reason As I fade out the latest Short 10pm-midnight hard house and hard trance. than producing something we exist is to let students Circuit promo and switch How to listen: The basic structure is an groundbreaking. of all musical tastes share back to our sustain service, www.icradio.com eclectic first hour, with a For most of the shows I do, their passion. The chances I can’t help but wonder why Current big tunes: broad spectrum of dance I simply arrive with a stack are that at university you will more people don’t do what I BK & DAVE the drummer music, followed by a live mix of vinyl and a rough idea of always find someone whose do. The opportunity to play – Riot EP4 in the second hour, where I the order I want to play it in. musical tastes are similar to the music you love on air is Dave Holmes – Samsara pick the latest hard dance and I think this is typical of most IC Radio: turn it up! yours, and specialist music very rare outside university. (Nick Sentience Remix) put it alongside some older of the specialist music shows shows are about presenting Locking up the studio for the Chris C & Madam Zu meet material, all for the listen- on ICRadio – there is a strong somehow spoils it all! that music both to people who night, I walk out of Beit Quad Ben Kaye – Rock The Target ing pleasure of anyone who feeling amongst us that it’s Also typical is that I play know and love it, and also to and pass some people leaving (Barely Legal Remix) tunes in. the music that matters, and what I want to. There are people who might not have the Union. I can’t help but Although the above is a that too much preparation plenty of opportunities for come across it before. think they are missing out. Felix Thursday 10 February 2005 www.felixonline.co.uk 21

CLUBS & SOCIETIES [email protected] Messing about on the river

CANOE CLUB and handrolls. Our final day’s paddling After the river Rob unfor- was the Kent, where we met Yorkshire New Year tunately ran over Nick’s foot. Tim, Amie and Tim’s Dad, Trip 2005 Perhaps he decided that it Nic. The water was cold but would be compassionate to the levels were OK and eve- By Harry Wood Theo to have a little accident ryone bimbled down most of his own. Nick was left hob- things successfully. Theo We decided that a repeat bling, but nothing was broken was comically backlooped in of the previous New Year’s (it turns out just torn) and it the gorge section, but if he antics was definitely in order, gave him a good excuse to insists on paddling a stupidly but from the start it was stay off the dancefloor that small boat, things like that clear that this trip would be night. are almost inevitable! a complicated one. Everyone New Year’s Eve cel- Right at the end of the trip wanted to show up for some ebrations took place in the we all did Force Falls blind paddling on different dates, ‘Helwith Bridge’ pub, where for comedy value. After the and drive to Yorkshire from the local people made us feel river, some set off on the long different Christmas holiday most welcome (a nice change journey home whilst Theo, locations. Chaos from Wales). In fact, Theo had Tim and his Dad sneaked in To make matters worse, an interesting time with the a quick descent of the nearby those club members who nor- barmaid. The less said about Leven. The highlight of this mally take up the organisa- that the better. Suffice to say was backbarrow falls – a big tional challenge decided they he was glad Harry didn’t have grade four that drops away were fed up of it and went on his camera. under a low bridge. Theo strike, leading to a bizarre The next day, we did a lot of made up for earlier muppetry situation in which Harry was faffing around before finally with the best line of the day. labelled ‘the most organised’. ending up at the put-in for They did get stranded at the Harry responded by throwing the Lune, at Teebay. ‘Mission takeout for a while as Jeurgen technology at the problem. Control’ got a bit of scrape (driving the minibus) missed Ludicrously complex spread- on the way down the danger- the turning for the takeout sheets and wiki websites Canoeist Emily stays afloat whilst enjoying the picturesque Yorkshire surroundings ously narrow lanes. Near the and tried to do a scenic tour were put in place, and eventu- end of the river, we encoun- of the lakes. ally we all came together... was cold as predicted, and Afterwards we drove back headed over to the Duddon, in tered carnage on the strid, Big thanks to Alexa’s dad Theo, Nick and Jeurgen Alexa kicked off the swim- up and Theo, Tim, Jim and the west Lake District. This with Robin deciding that and Tim’s dad for lending were the only ones driving up ming, but a pleasant paddle Claire ran the upper sec- was worth the drive, as it’s swimming the rapid would be substantial vehicular sup- in the minibus from London. was had by all. Theo and tion from High Force to Low one of the few English rivers far more exciting than pad- port, without which we would Unfortunately they never Tim ran Linton Falls at the Force. This should have been we have ever seen with crys- dling it. But no one was pad- surely have made a disaster quite made it, after toppling Takeout with many specta- called ‘gale force’, as we tal clear water and grassy dling to full ability, due to the out of a crisis. As it was, we over on the M1 in Derbyshire. tors. were blown down the river. banks. Emily got down every- hangover. A very pretty river all enjoyed an excellent week Luckily the only injuries As we went to the car park Interesting bits included the thing with good high braces though. of Yorkshire paddling! where to Nick, his laptop to get changed, we were ‘dog leg’ grade four rapid and a throwline. The police greeted by Alexa’s dad, Jim, and low-force itself (a 10ft obligingly rescued the cans with a huge fully equipped waterfall). Everyone ran the of beer, which had rolled out motor home, providing shel- drop, with Jim experiencing of the broken rear window all ter from the rain and cups of complete submergence and over the motorway. Tim’s dad tea. What luxury! The monster Claire playing with the stop- came to the rescue, complete van was thereafter referred per for extra excitement. with a trailer for the boats. to as ‘Mission Control’. And it ‘Mission Control’ ran out of They all spent the night in seemed we would be needing diesel, but thanks to some Doncaster watching DVDs ‘Mission Control’ assistance navigational genius involv- and reducing the volume of a little longer, because in the ing autoroute express, Nick’s the rescued beer bucket. evening we discovered that battered laptop and a digital Alice also never quite made the RAC would not be provid- camera, Jon was able to get it, electing to drive up with Jon ing a replacement van on the to Darlington in the nick of the next day instead. Claire Union breakdown insurance, time to rent a new van. and Robin were a little late, because they’d got us on a On Thursday, we paddled so the only one who actually technicality. Thanks a bunch! the Ribble, Helwith Bridge made it to the agreed meet- The next day, everyone met (where we were staying) ing place on time was Harry up at the Young Offenders down to Settle. Robin, despite ‘the most organised’, who Institute in Barnard Castle at having very little paddling was delighted to be spending 9am. We didn’t see any young experience, had managed time in a pub, so all was well. offenders, but Jim P showed the previous day’s paddling The afternoon paddling plan up, released on parole from swim free. His luck ran out was abandoned due to lack of his girlfriend. In the car park at the start of this river. The boats and paddlers, so Harry, Claire had a quick driving more technical sections Clare and Robin checked into lesson, then Theo, Jon, Jim, above the ‘two bridges’ rapid the hut. Juergen, Alice, Alexa, Claire, caused him three swims in On Tuesday morning, eve- Robin, Tim and Harry ran short succession, culminat- ryone finally met at Kettlewell the Tees from Barnard Castle ing in a nasty tooth chipping to paddle the Wharfe. Well, to Wiston Bridge. Alexa had injury. Stainforth force pre- not quite everyone. Alice and a swim and decided to get sented a rather forceful look- Jon didn’t believe that we out at Whorlton, the halfway ing towback, and so only Tim would put in at 10am, so they point where ‘Mission Control’ attempted it. missed the boat. The water handily intercepted her. Muppetry meant we had only one and a half throwbags (with the M1 having eaten at least a half), but luck- ily they weren’t needed. As Theo didn’t realise his digital camera didn’t compensate for daylight saving hours, he sent Tim frantically paddling ahead thinking he would miss the last train from Settle to Leeds. Harry had forgotten dry clothes, and so we slung him in the back of the van with all the other wet gear. He sat in pitch blackness, and only after the journey realised that the van had an inside light. Claire takes on a 10ft waterfall On New Year’s Eve we Felix 22 www.felixonline.co.uk Thursday 10 February 2005

What’s on [email protected] Vote for next year’s Union FILMS FILMS 9.45am, 11.50am. THURSDAY sabbaticals at www.union. THE INCREDIBLES WEDNESDAY THE INCREDIBLES LAURA’S STAR (U) ic.ac.uk/elections. 6pm 8.45pm Daily: 1.40pm. Mon to Thurs 10 FEBRUARY Contact: [email protected] Union Concert Hall, Beit Quad 16 FEBRUARY Union Concert Hall, Beit Quad only: 10am, 11.50am. £3 £3 OCEANS TWELVE (12A) RAG WEEK UNION EVENTS Contact: [email protected] UNION EVENTS Showing at the Union’s own Daily: 2.10pm, 3.40pm, 5.10pm, BAR NIGHT AND HIP-HOP AND R&B SPORTS NIGHT cinema. 6.15pm, 8pm, 9pm. Fri and Sat SLAVE AUCTION VALENTINES PARTY UNION EVENTS 8pm–1am Contact: [email protected] only: 11pm. Sat to Thurs only: Beit Quad 8pm–2am PARAMOUNT COMEDY Beit Quad 11.15am. Contact: [email protected] Beit Quad ON TAP £1 MEET THE FOCKERS £6 7.30pm Carlsberg and Tetley £1 a pint ALL WEEK (12A) FILMS Featuring Radio 1’s Tim Reynolds Bar, Charing Cross all night in all bars. Daily: 1pm, 2.45pm, 3.30pm, GARDEN STATE Westwood and Fabriclive’s Hospital Contact: [email protected] FILMS: VUE CINEMA, 5.30pm, 6.30pm, 8.30pm, 6pm Joe Ransome. Tickets on sale £4 FULHAM BROADWAY 9.20pm. Fri and Sat only: Union Concert Hall, Beit Quad now at Union bars, shop and Featuring Glen Wool, Alan Student discount ALL WEEK 11.15pm. Sat to Thurs only: £3 reception. Cochrane and Patrick THURSDAY THE SEA INSIDE (PG) 11.50am. Showing at the Union’s own Contact: [email protected] Monahan. Daily: 4.15pm, 6.50pm, RACING STRIPES (U) cinema. Contact: [email protected] 17 FEBRUARY 9.30pm. Daily: 1.20pm, 3.30pm, 6.10pm. Contact: [email protected] THE DOOR IN THE Sat to Thurs: 10.50am. SATURDAY UNION EVENTS VERY IMPORTANT FLOOR (15) CLOSER (15) FILMS STA TRAVEL QUIZ NIGHT FELIX PUBLISHED Daily: 1.10pm, 3.40pm, 8.50pm. Daily: 5.45pm (not Mon, NAPOLEON DYNAMITE 12 FEBRUARY 8–10.30pm 10am onwards Fri and Sat only: 11.30pm. Sat Thur), 8.15pm. Fri and Sat 8.30pm Beit Quad Pick up the next issue from to Thurs only: 10.40am. only: 10.45pm. Union Concert Hall, Beit Quad RAG WEEK FREE your department or the Union THE SPONGEBOB MILLION DOLLAR BABY £3 CIRCLE LINE PUB Cash and beer prizes on offer. building. SQUAREPANTS MOVIE (12A) Showing at the Union’s own CRAWL Get a team together and see Contact: [email protected] (12A) Daily: 9.10pm (not Mon). cinema. How will we complete the tra- how much you really know. Daily: 12.40pm, 3pm, 5pm, THE AVIATOR (12A) Contact: [email protected] ditional pub crawl when the Contact: [email protected] FILMS 7.05pm. Fri and Sat only: Daily: 8.40pm (not Mon). Circle Line is closed?! Come HOUSE OF FLYING 12midnight. Sat to Thurs only: ASSAULT ON PRECINCT along and find out for your- FILMS DAGGERS 10.30am. 13 (15) FRIDAY self! HOUSE OF FLYING 6pm THE MAGIC Fri and Sat only: 11.50pm. Contact: [email protected] DAGGERS Union Concert Hall, Beit Quad ROUNDABOUT (U) TEAM AMERICA: WORLD 11 FEBRUARY 8.45pm £3 Daily: 2.30pm, 4.30pm, 6.30pm. POLICE (15) Union Concert Hall, Beit Quad Showing at the Union’s own Sat to Thurs only: 10am, Fri and Sat only: 11.45pm. ELECTIONS TUESDAY £3 cinema. 12.15pm. THE INCREDIBLES (U) VOTING OPENS Contact: [email protected] Contact: [email protected] SON OF THE MASK (PG) Sat to Thur: 10.10am. 00.01am 15 FEBRUARY Daily: 2pm. Sat to Thurs only: CONTENTCONTENT andand HUMOURHUMOUR ““MoreMore FELIXFELIX relevantrelevant My FIVE MANIFESTO PLEDGES 1. To ensure an open forum for content,content, news and views moremore 2. More humour in Felix 3. To deliver a new termly science irreverentirreverent and culture magazine 4. To support Clubs, Societies, humourhumour”” and Union events 5. To revamp Felixonline and expand our online content

VOTE DDaarriiuuss NNiikkbbiinn FFoorr FFEELLIIXX EEDDIITTOORR For voting and hustings details visit www.su.ic.ac.uk/elections ����������� �������������� 100 Things I’ll do if elected.. 1.New Finance System 2.New Website 3.An Intranet to handle the paperwork and MORE… 4.An online ‘Knowledge base’ for every club 5.An online ‘Contacts base’ for every club 6.A smoke free bar area 7.Bio fuel for Union minibuses 8.Debit card payment for club membership in the Student Activities Centre 9. Our staff are a huge asset to the Union, more recognition for their performance 10. Keep the night bus service and save money 11. Support for Fairtrade University status 12. Support for more faculty union sabbatical presidents 13.Spending your money (legitimately) on behalf of the Union? I’ll make sure you get paid back sooner, rather than later. 14. Save money, no loss making ICU summer ball 15. Support for a Faculty of Medicine Summer Ball 16. Support for a Faculty of Engineering Summer Ball 17. Support for a Faculty of Life Sciences Summer Ball 18. Support for a Faculty of Physical Sciences Summer Ball 19. Praise. Better recognition for those who make a contribution to our Union. 20. Less paperwork (just like they all say..) 21. Less paper, and more of that recycled! 22.More convenience, focus on student needs. 23. Support for the individual identities of our faculty unions, 24.let medics be medics, 25.engineers be engineers 26. and scientists be scientists. 27. ICU is here to help, not hinder. 28. Real support for our Union officers 29. Not just an ‘open door policy’ but actually an open door. 30. A listening Union, your emails will get an answer. 31. Commitment to building a functioning Post Grad representation structure 32. More Recycling! 33. A Felix article from your president every week, every single week. 34. More salsa nights 35. Commitment to make accessing the union easier for students 36. Partnership with college, not divorce. 37. Take the lead on refurbishing the Union building. 38. The refurbishment is a long term thing, it may have to last 30 years, I’ll do my best to make sure we get it right, not cut corners that will cause problems in the future. 39. Listen (to you..) 40. Speak (for you..) 41. Think about your needs as students. 42. Even more salsa 43. Treat everyone (staff, students, college, even random people) fairly. 44. Cut down on decadence, it’s a union not a 4 star hotel. We all enjoy freebies, but there are limits. 45. Follow through with the strategic review. 46. Try to serve coffee in the Union. (just like everyone else will) 47. Integrate all those forms, a one stop shop for clubs and societies. 48. Work as a team with the other sabbs, it’s vital. 49. Be Innovative 50. You’re half way, carry on… 51. Make mistakes (although hopefully nothing too bad..) 52. Learn from them, not repeat the same ones 53. Teach others from my mistakes 54. Eat (I’d do this anyway) 55. Sleep (But I’d probably do more of this if I lost..) 56. Cycle (One of my hobbies, again I’d still do this if I lost) 57. Sit in lots of boring meetings and stay awake to argue for the best interest of students. 58. Not hold unnecessary meetings. 59. Not waste my time. 60. Not waste your time. 61. Leave meetings once my purpose has been served. 62. Go around reminding people that Students ARE important to college. 63. If the Rector is wrong about something, I’m prepared to tell him. 64. Support initiatives like the drive by the Royal Academy of Engineering to encourage women to join engineering. 65. Take people seriously, your concerns matter! 66. Try and get EVEN better food from catering. 67. EVEN better beer in the bar. (Is this possible?) 68. Make the sun shine every day for the whole of next year. 69. Put Imperial Students first. 70. Support our membership of ULU 71. Do more to support our sports clubs. 72. Better promotion of union employability skills workshops 73. Personally praise people who do their jobs well, both staff and student officers. 74. Share knowledge, not silo it. 75. Take personal criticism and act on it, not ignore it. 76. Tidy my office regularly 77. Not waste my money (I’d do this anyway) 78. Not waste your money. 79. If you’re still reading this, well done! 80. A new section of the new union intranet to help you get internships, putting you in touch with those who have done them in previous years. 81. Our clubs are for everyone, not just undergrads but post-grads too! 82. Better welfare support for postgrads, they probably don’t need it as much as undergrads, but they still need it. 83. Listen to Wye students, because they’re people too! 84. Support Wye students in their arguments against the closure of Agricultural study at Wye. 85. Work for better careers support for Physical Sciences students. 86. Continue the campaigns against Visa Charges and Top-up Fees. 87. Encourage all departments to strengthen their personal tutorial system, because it helps students. 88. Southside is being demolished; make the Union a more welcoming place for Post grads to drink. 89. More consultation, fewer long surveys. 90. Decent and useful offices for all our faculty unions. 91. An outward looking union, providing and supporting opportunities for our students to develop themselves. 92. Help college to provide better careers advice. 93. Think before acting. 94. Democracy not dictatorship. 95. Encourage the college to be flexible in its approach to students in general. 96. Ask the college to review charging interest on tuition fees. 97. Take personal responsibility for my mistakes. 98. Commitment to follow through with the conclusions of the strategic review. 99. Ask the college to review the issue of non-academic debts, which stop students progressing through college. 100. Raise the profile of the academic appeals procedure. 101. Congratulations, you made it to the end! ��������� ���������������������� ����� ��������� ��� Does exactly what ������� ������������ ����� it says on the tin! ����� ������� �� No Half-Baked Ideas ������������������� ��������� VISIT THE CAMPAIGN SITE - www.nonrevolution.org.uk �������������������������������������������������������������������� Felix 24 www.felixonline.co.uk Thursday 10 February 2005

Music [email protected] Guitarists need not apply Death From Above 1979, E6 and Eric Clapton catch our critical eye this week

synths, the backing complements ALBUM REVIEWS the hollow vocals, with tracks such as Go Home, Get Home, introducing Death From Above 1979 catchy, melodic undertones whilst You’re A Woman, I’m A Machine keeping the amps on 11. (679 Recordings) I would love to find a bad word to HHHHH say about the overuse of distorted bass or the at times substandard A band consisting of only two blokes songwriting, but Death From Above and a pink album cover adorned with capture your heart and fly away their heads and modified phallic- with it, leaving a shrivelled shell of trunk-noses immediately conjures the person you once were. Looking up the ‘two puffs and a keyboard’ around, I’m not the only one prais- genre of music we all hoped was ing the band, as it appears they have banished to the eighties. Thankfully, instilled fear in fellow musicians and Death From Above 1979 are not awed their audiences around the your average two man ensemble but world. I doubt any significant suc- instead are out to insult, expose and cess will come from such an out- educate you. standing and rule-breaking LP, but Violent music has been about for when has anything groundbreaking years, well honed in electronica (the been out in the mainstream? Hell, Prodigy’s new album a prime exam- they don’t even have a guitarist, ple) and metal, but it has never and unlike Keane there are no extra really been expressed alternatively. dubs sneaked in in the studio. There Perhaps indie kids don’t want it, or is no doubt this album is paving the perhaps no one can provide it, but way for something big. Death From Above 1979: would you let these men near your pets? the Yeah Yeah Yeahs are the closest After listening to and reviewing band in sight to mildly assault your You’re A Woman, I’m A Machine, I out of the New Rock Revolution™, to download, is a decent piece of for Sessions For Robert J, in search ears. am left with a sense that this is what despite only really having a few retro new-wave rock, and the cover of for rock roots he stumbled across So are Death From Above the any other new band has to live up to. riffs with some catchy tunes. Radio Ga-Ga, despite coming from the skinny delta bluesman, debat- answer? Yes, not only do they fill the Grainger claims “I wanna show you So it’s with some trepidation that one of the world’s most overrated ably the best blues player before void, they kick you in the teeth and how I handle business” in the smol- I approach their follow-up album, bands, power chords itself along Hendrix. Robert J Johnson, like the are the embodiment of the innova- dering finale to a hectic album (Sexy Señor Smoke. Billed as their ‘dark- well enough. Jimmy Carter stands majority of great musicians, died tion and class that has been lacking Results), and some would say he er, macabre’ follow up to Fire, I’m out as one of the few tunes where before his time, at the rockstar death from today’s new acts. Listening to already has. I would like to feel that glad someone told me about this, as the dark humour hits home, talk- age of 27. By then he had amassed a the album, I could only be inspired this is just the beginning; guitarists I couldn’t hear it at all from listen- ing of “Ronald Regan falling asleep handful of flakey recordings that fit by the bass lines exceeding the need not apply. ing to it. Don’t listen to the PR sell forever more / Dreaming of nuclear on a single CD (often reduced in scope of many modern guitar parts, – it’s just more of the same silly war...” record stores to £2.99). The magic of Johnson is the mesmerizing lyrics whilst Sebastien Grainger provides File under: disco tunes, and I literally mean It’s these tracks, plus a few other not only original drumming but lurid Sex-obsessed guitarless duos that. Every tune is pretty much nice riffs, which saves it from being of desperation and a man in search vocals of women and love. Perhaps If you like this, try: identical – some electric riffing that a complete disaster. But what Señor of happiness to lift him out of a it’s the fact they are ex-convicts who Lightning Bolt – Wonderful Rainbow will have ACDC’s lawyers knocking Smoke has shown us is that not world of sorrow; Clapton captures met in a sleazy Toronto jail, or their on the door, followed up by some only are Electric Six flogging a dead this well in a compilation of his per- insatiable desires for the opposite Nick Simpson of Dick Valentine’s repetitive bari- horse, they’ve gone and sold it off sonal favorite covers found on this sex, but the energy of their perform- tone (“It’s torture, it’s torture, you for dog food. Outright comedy shtick combination. ance is outstanding, picking up from scorcher, you scorcher!” he bellows can only go so far – it’s time for The CD is a summary of the tracks where everyone else has left off. Electric Six on Be My Dark Angel), then a dodgy Electric Six to move on. seen on the DVD, which are mainly From the start of You’re A Woman, Señor Smoke keyboard solo, then repeat for a bit. a mini-documentary of Clapton and (679 Recordings) a handful of musicians in his home I’m A Machine, their debut LP, Last time they were perilously close File under: Death From Above capture your HHIII to becoming a joke band, but they Camp novelty rock studio/barn and several American attention with the fast paced Turn It avoided it – with this album they’ve If you like this, try: locales. Well produced, the covers Out, followed by Romantic Rights; I have to admit here – I never really become a self parody, which is quite Brain surgery give life and expand on Johnson’s a summary of Grainger’s rampant “got” Electric Six. When they broke an achievement considering their sparse compositions, raising the libido and his favourite chat-up line out a few years ago with their hit non-serious approach. Matthew Hartfield profile of a much forgotten genius. “I know you love me you don’t know Danger! High Voltage!, and the now General piss-poor writing doesn’t Unfortunately, the close up cuts and what you like.” Never letting up, omnipresent anthem Gay Bar, the help either. Every other song has three camera angles of the studio Jesse Keller powers out blistering six-piece from Detroit came bursting Dance in the title, which would tire Eric Clapton footage become tedious by the third bass riffs to put Lemmy to shame. into action and were hailed as one of out even the mighty Bez whilst high Session For Robert J track of sixteen, leaving only the Thickening the mix with imaginative the most exciting bands to come on a bag of sherbet. Lyrically, it’s (WEA) accompanying CD with any longev- a case of throwing together known HHHII ity. words which rhyme (“Can’t sit down The problem with this CD/DVD ‘cos I’m a dancer / And you know I Being one of the most influential combination is that it is no differ- have the answer” is a prime exam- men in music history, Eric Clapton ent to Clapton’s previous outing, Me ple in the closer, Future Is In The has spanned the decades, mak- & Mr Johnson. Dedicated fans will Future), which stinks of laziness. ing music before you or me were lap up the footage, but to most it The attempt at satire and humour is born. From the early days, with Eric appears to be a pointless exploit in weak as well: the opener Rock And Clapton and the Powerhouse, play- repetition and an attempt to show Roll Evacuation wins the award for ing alongside another legend, Steve off Clapton’s home, musical friends the most hilariously bad political Winwood, Clapton has been in most and various music locations of fame. statement ever, with “Mr President of the defining British bands up until This is an easy listening introduc- makes a little money sending people the late 70s, such as Cream (whose tion to Robert Johnson, at twice the you don’t even know to Iraq / Mr. tickets are selling at £800+ for four price of the original material; better President, I don’t like you, you don’t special gigs at the Royal Albert examples of Johnson and Clapton know how to RAWK!” Some people Hall), The Yardbirds and Derek and are out there. might defend this, citing that it’s the Dominos. All time classics such meant to be intentionally camp. I as Layla, Sunshine Of Your Love File under: hope to God that they’re not seri- and Tears In Heaven are proof that Guitar heroes’ hero ous. Clapton is nothing short of god; so If you like this, try: There are some good tunes to be who inspired the great man him- Robert Johnson – The Complete found here though, which remind self? Collection us what made them big in the first A self-confessed Robert Johnson Electric Six: they wanna party like it’s, uhm, 1979 place. Vibrator, which was free freak, Clapton describes on the DVD Nick Simpson Felix Thursday 10 February 2005 www.felixonline.co.uk 25

MUSIC [email protected] Cellos from hell Rammstein bring their gloriously over the top show to the UK, supported by the intriguing Apocalyptica, and Felix interviews the young Neil Young loving upstarts, Hal

Of The Mountain King; now that’s LIVE REVIEWS what I call a crossover success. No one knows how to put on a Rammstein & Apocalyptica show like Rammstein. Opener Reise Brixton Academy Reise began with clearing smoke HHHHH revealing the band posed on a giant two-tier stage of industrial-looking Generally speaking, Brixton isn’t the platforms. The first deep, guttur- place you want to be whilst wearing al notes of overpowering German a long black coat and heavy eye- vocals set the tone for what was to liner, or other paraphernalia of the come: an hour and fifty minutes of metal-loving community. However, complete mayhem. The show really there’s safety in numbers, and the kicked off with third song Feuer black-clad hordes descending on the Frei, when singer Till and guitarists Academy up to three hours before Richard and Paul donned masks to doors remained more or less unmo- breath twelve-foot flames over the lested. Some had come from as far audience; the heat could be felt at away as Norway, so they had a right the very back of the venue. After this, to expect a damn good time. They nothing could be the same. Whether were not disappointed. it be covering the crowd in red, Openers Apocalyptica were a rev- white and blue confetti in Amerika, elation. Seated on angular metal Till boiling keyboardist Flake in a thrones against a stark background, giant pot (heated, naturally, with a they played the heaviest of heavy flamethrower) during recent single Rammstein: pyrotechnics, flamethrowers and simulated violence. But not in this picture, obviously metal on cellos from hell. Yes, that’s Mein Teil, or Paul crowd-surfing right – cellos. Classically trained around the auditorium in a dinghy takes to the game of ‘pick your change my message on the first of to a man, these Finnish maniacs for final song Stripped, the Teutonic Hal favourite badge’ without even being the month to something less gay, offer a novel take on the arche- nutcases just kept on upping the Camden Barfly asked. He likes the spotty one with maybe slow it down to sound like typal hard-rocking metal usually ante. HHHHI a dog on it, and then returns the Johnny Cash!” We feel enlightened purveyed by the likes of Pantera The crowd went wild when Till favour with a guided tour of his very and privileged but he still doesn’t and Slayer, and it works surprisingly shot fireworks at them from a giant “I collect badgers!” beams front- own badge collection. Highlights give us his number. well. Live, their purely instrumental crossbow and immense gouts of man Dave Allen in the band’s hotel include his ‘Art Brut’ badge, one of When we try to inform Dave that renditions of everything from the flame lit up the stage during Du bar – only he’s pointing at circu- a dog in American Indian headgear, it’s been suggested elsewhere in the Metallica covers of their early days Hast; they laughed like mani- lar logo-bearing pins on his bag so and a lonesome ‘Bloc’ badge longing music press that Elton John would to self-penned anthems from their acs when Flake rode around the we figure he’s said ‘badges’ and for a ‘Party’ counterpart. Having probably love Hal, he misconstrues newly released album, the self-titled stage on a Segway whilst playing quickly replace bewildered expres- purchased the badge at a Bloc Party what we’re saying as, “you guys Apocalyptica, are like a window into Amerika; they whooped when vari- sions with ones of glee and mutual gig in Sweden, he’s eagerly awaiting sound like Elton John!”. We haven’t another world. ous members ran around in suits badge-appreciation. Amidst the con- receipt of the ‘Party’ pin bought by the heart to correct him and instead The rich, soulful tones of the cel- covered in fireworks. Let’s face it, fusion that follows, we accidentally a friend at a Dublin Bloc Party gig. listen to Dave sigh in shock and los cut smoothly through your brain who wouldn’t? convince Dave that his band has Dave’s a big Bloc Party fan. Now needlessly defend his band’s integ- to clutch at your heart, contrast- The driving percussion, throb- been likened to Elton John in the that’s news to us. rity by listing such great influences ing beautifully and magnificently bing guitars and visceral vocals that music press, subsequently throwing Next up, SIGHT & SOUND. With as Neil Young, his favourite track with the jagged melodies coaxed have hypnotised many a metal-club in a ‘gayness test’, then suggesting Hal’s debut single entitled Worry being Don’t Let It Bring You Down. from them. Combined with manic dance floor were all present in a that he’d like to interact with his About The Wind, we hilariously find Eventually, both Felix and Dave head-banging that shouldn’t be pos- set that covered most of the new own mother. All in all, a sober outing out that Dave did in fact worry about feel so at ease with one another that sible while sitting down and the kind album and all the old classics, from for Felix. the wind once upon a time, and we ditch the ‘clicking on links’ meta- of playing-from-all-angles antics Rammstein to Sonne and much in We’re back in Hal’s hotel awaiting that his favourite hurricane (but phor and ask him what it was like that wouldn’t have disgraced Jimi between, meaning that no one could the young Irish four-piece’s arrival. not the band’s namesake) would touring with label-mates Delays. Hendrix, theirs was a set to remem- leave dissatisfied. Their industrial- Dave’s the first to stroll into the bar be Hurricane Hal. The band are, We discover that Delays’ Gilbert ber and cherish. The audience metal stylings have entranced mil- fresh from their soundcheck at the in reality, named after Hal Blaine, brothers were just like nurturing lapped it up, going from what-the- lions across the world for years on Camden Barfly. He’s alone, expres- Dave’s favourite drummer of all big brothers to Hal’s Allen brothers. hell-is-this bewilderment to jump- record, but truly nothing can com- sionless and heading straight for time who played in every band in Sweet. ing-up-and-down enthusiasm in pare with them live. When your lead the gents. A minute later his three the early 60s as far as we could Onstage it’s a ten-track set, effec- seconds. They sang along to Enter singer had to become a qualified bandmates emerge, relaxed and tell, including the Ronnettes as well tively a taster of Hal’s forthcoming Sandman and roared their appre- pyrotechnician so that you could cheerful. Dave’s younger brother as on the Beach Boys’ Petsounds, self-titled album, though current ciation at every pause: a stunning perform, that pretty much goes Paul, also the band’s bass player, Hal’s mutual favourite record and single and album-opener What A response to a band that have noth- without saying. seems pleased to have spotted us. undoubtedly their biggest influ- Lovely Dance, described by Dave ing like the recognition they deserve Rammstein: if anyone knows a He’s gripping the note we left them ence. as “a magical experience of fall- in this country. The crowd even better way to have fun with six oiled at reception and tells us that the Then t’was time to navigate ing in love… and then out of love”, cheered and threw the horns for the Germans in leather lederhosen, I’d soundcheck went well. “Why don’t our virtual cursor to the ‘HAL’S is saved for the all-important third triumphant closer, Edvard Grieg’s like to know about it. you interview him in the toilets?!” FAVOURITE THINGS’ link. Already song slot. Mid-set we’re presented classical masterpiece In The Hall Anna Novitzky suggests a short-haired guy in thick- fully aware of the badge obsession, with a beautiful number, Keep Love framed spectacles. It turns out this we were keen to find out what other As Your Golden Rule, a song sound- character is Steve Hogan, Hal’s unspeakable things Dave was into. “I ing not too dissimilar to the Beach funny-man drummer, all but invis- like little funny things” we’re told. “I Boys’ God Only Knows. Debut sin- ible in band photographs. When it change my answer message on my gle, Worry About The Wind is saved comes down to it, they all seem phone once a month. I put myself in for the end of the set and with it’s more than happy to let Dave speak a different imaginary scenario each gorgeous harmonica-laden endtro, for the band. month and that’s the reason I can’t is well worth the wait. Falsetto-deliv- With Hal’s virtual plot of cyber- get to the phone”. Intrigued, we ask ered soaring melodies have been space, Halmusic.com, promising a what surreal experience we’d be done before – Geneva failed due to wealth of intriguing band news and exposed to if we rang him right this lead singer Andrew Montgomery’s links, only to deliver more ‘com- minute. “I hate those McCafes, so hideously grimacing face in per- ing soon’ messages than a Friday I speeded up my voice on a dicta- formance. Dave Allen, on the other night visit to your local Odeon, we phone so I sound like a chipmunk on hand, appears onstage dressed all decided to play an interactive game drugs, and I am apparently sitting in white with the breathtaking voice of ‘human website’ with Dave to shooting the breeze in a McCafe of an angel, ensuring that Hal’s sun- fill in the gaps and find out exactly somewhere in Dublin, thinking kissed Beach Boys-esque tunes will what’s going on in the Hal camp. about life, and someone rang me be favourably received. First up, we clicked on NEWS. Dave up two weeks ago and said change Catch them on their ‘back by popu- happily obliges by informing us that your answer message, it’s gay!” At lar demand’ extra date at Rendition his day has been mostly comprised this point we clumsily throw in a in London. To listen to the interview of badge-shopping in Camden. In ‘sexuality test’ based on the length in full along with music from Hal the joy that ensues, the one of us of Dave’s index finger versus that and a selection of Dave’s favour- dressed in lady’s clothing subjects of his ring finger, only to find that ite tunes, visit icradio.com and Dave to an in-depth showcase of the “No, no, I’m definitely not that way click the delightful 7th Feb show of Hal: the badger collector himself. His name isn’t Hal, though twenty badges on her skirt. Dave orientated at all... so I’m going to NSUAOSATOC. Wael Dabbous Felix 26 www.felixonline.co.uk Thursday 10 February 2005

MUSIC [email protected] American idiots? Apparently not Green Day have been playing their brand of melodic pop-punk for what seems like forever. Now they’ve caught a dose of politics, bringing their new material to the UK for the first time

by the following Jesus Of Suburbia, LIVE REVIEWS a nine minute epic, and one of the two pieces of cross-track storytell- Green Day ing which have left traditional three- Brixton Academy minute punks suspicious of the new HHHHH album. When the classic material started flowing (Longview, Basket Last week, nineties rock heroes Case, Brain Stew, Hitchin’ A Ride, Green Day showed the Brixton even 2000 Lightyears Away) it was Academy crowd why punk can still heart-warming to hear that most be king in an age of paranoid con- of the evenly mixed 14 to 40 crowd servative politics. knew all the words to both the old For the world tour of their new and new songs. album, Billie Joe Armstrong, Mike What raises a Green Day con- Dirnt and Tre Cool have drawn on cert above the pop-punk competi- all their years of pop-punk experi- tion is the band’s tireless commit- ence to produce a show capable of ment to entertaining their audience. matching American Idiot in power, The band never let the pace drop, passion and imagination. with water pistols, pyrotechnics, The band exploded onto the stage sing-alongs and even getting the with the album’s lead single and audience up on stage to play. For title track, before ordering, “Sing one and a half hours, Billie Joe Green Day: you’re not punk unless your guitar hangs at least to your knees, and Billie Joe knows it it so those rednecks can hear us!” climbed speaker stacks and charged The politics of the grown-up Green the length of the stage, seemingly Queen’s We Are The Champions. And the way Billie Joe tells it, his Finally we were left with Mr Day material may be controversial trying to engage every one of the As the words “We’ll keep on fight- fight now is against America’s neo- Armstrong alone on the stage, play- amongst some fans, but the 5000 capacity crowd with his trademark ing till the end” flashed up on their conservatives for our freeedom as ing a stirring solo electric version of here in attendance seemed in fine crazy-eyed stare. massive dot-matrix backdrop, this individuals. His take-home mes- the truly anthemic Good Riddence voice for joining in: “Don’t wanna Presumably as a treat for us Brits, song seemed a perfectly appropri- sage: “Don’t let the powers that be and sharing the wish: “I hope you be an American idiot... One nation King For A Day was merged seam- ate choice. To Green Day, punk isn’t tell you how to live your life... Listen had the time of your life.” After a controlled by the media”. lessly into Lulu’s Shout and the show just a phase you go through as a to your heart and to your mind!” show like that, who wouldn’t have? The crowd seems just as excited was finished with a brilliant cover of teenager, but a philosophy for life. Good advice indeed. Ed Hunt The good, the bad and The Game Felix presents you with the hotly anticipated new single from The Mars Volta, Fatboy Slim’s ambitious cover, and some other stuff you might like

of the most hotly tipped artists of the J Blige and Eminem. It’s a top notch prog lane. Once more, strange lyrics (Ward, died of a heroin overdose – SINGLE REVIEWS year, Jem Griffiths. Dre tune, featuring vocal subsidies flow out of the sharp-tongued mouth Ed). Whilst the video depicts a death If you haven’t heard of this 29- from 50 Cent – you get the impres- of Cedric throughout the operat- dealer trawling the streets of a wast- Fatboy Slim year-old Welsh singer songwriter, sion Game is being led by the both ic track, which opens with unfor- ed city, the anger and stress within The Joker don’t worry, you definitely will soon. hands into the hip-hop world. gettable wailing vocals before the the song is notable, with imagery of (Skint) She has already managed to cap- It works. The tune is both simple start of the trademark eerie guitar broken men and rampant fear – a HHHII tivate American listeners with her and catchy, and while Game’s lyrics used extensively on their debut LP. slow ballad, Mars Volta style. considerable talents – her music could be more original, he lives up to Listening to the single, I couldn’t Strangely, the song seems overly Norman Cook and Bootsy Collins has been used on US series Six Feet Dre’s quality production. The spare help feeling a Muse influence, the familiar (and immediately identifi- have reunited for this ambitious Under and she made a special guest 808 beat and fifties influence are sure vocal and instrumental tracks swell able as the Volta’s). Whether it’s remake of the Steve Miller Band appearance in the season finale of to make this a dancefloor favourite. and die out to a slow beat, with epic because of their desire to cast off classic The Joker. hit US teen drama The OC. Listen out for this tune after the sin- intensity, shredding and horns. any label, or the epic concept album Fatboy enlisted Bootsy’s magic on So, does she have the songs to live gle’s Valentine’s Day release, and be The lyrics on their debut album feel their songs have, the new, the inspired Weapon Of Choice on up to the acclaim? On this evidence prepared to hear a lot more from G (De-Loused In The Comatorium) refined Mars Volta sounds like a his last album in 2001, and The Joker she certainly does. Kicking in with a Unit’s latest prodigy. described the world dreamt up by a second take of their first attempt is the lead single from his latest strong hip hop beat and incorporat- Ben Ramadan coma victim but take a different turn and not the innovative, progressive offering Palookaville. This is defi- ing elements of Prelude In F Minor, on Frances The Mute, animating the band they claim to be. nitely a controversial track – Steve by a certain Mr JS Bach, Jem cer- journals of Volta’s lost friend Jeremy Nick Simpson Miller fans will likely loathe it, or at tainly shows no fear in mixing styles The Mars Volta least loathe to like it, while Bootsy to define a sound which is so infec- The Widow fans will gush about his masterful tious it will no doubt burrow its way (Island) vocals and witty improvs. Love it or into your head within minutes of HHHII hate it, this song will get your foot your first listen. Say hello to 2005’s tapping with its catchy riffs, reg- next big thing. Dom Wong iTunes is selling half a billion songs a gae overtone and infectious sense year; it is an all powerful marketing of fun. machine which iPod users (about I rather like this song – it is quite The Game the whole world) are all too familiar simply as silly and absurd as Bootsy How We Do with. Notably, it has an uncanny abil- himself. He drenches it with his con- (Interscope) ity to classify almost any song, and tagious outrageousness that cannot HHHII when its pushed to the limits (such fail to make you smile. The Joker is as Kid Symphony) it just shoves released on 28th February. Fo shiz- The Game, aka Jayceon Taylor, has it in the ‘Unclassifiable’ genre. So zle ma nizzle. Ben Ramadan induced a lot of excitement in hiphop after reading an interview with circles. (ex-At The Drive In, and now) The Described as “the new future of Mars Volta vocalist, Cedric Bixler Jem hip-hop”, he turned to rapping after Zavala, describing how the Volta try They waking from a coma and shedding a to break down labeling of genres, I (Ato) shady past of dealing and robbery to was surprised that their new single HHHII try his luck in a world where bullet The Widow was popped into the wounds get you noticed. ‘Alternative’ tab – I am sure he’s not Question: what do you get if you mix How We Do is the first single from pleased. folk music with some hip hop beats his debut album The Documentary, As the first single from their and a sprinkling of a kids’ chorus? which has had nods of approval new album Francis The Mute, The Answer: the debut single from one from Kayne West, Timbaland, Mary Widow is another trip down wierdo- The Mars Volta: experimental, strangely funky, and very, very good

Felix Thursday 10 February 2005 www.felixonline.co.uk 29

Nightlife [email protected] BAR REVIEW Defective Defected Cactus Blue 86 Fulham Road Defected Records is one of the hottest house labels around, HHHHI I count myself very lucky to be able but all was not well at their album launch on Saturday to live in such a nice area and be so close to bars and restaurants of worse, instead of being given a a high quality. Cactus Blue is one CLUB REVIEW straight answer, I was just bumped such place. from queue to queue. Located along the Fulham road Defected in the House Anyway, enough of my whinging, I towards South Kensington station, Pacha wasn’t the only one this happened to. it’s got a kind of western (as in cow- People who had tickets were experi- boy) feel about it. It spans over two The first thing I have to make clear encing the same problem, being told floors, the upstairs being the restau- is that I didn’t get in to Defected, as they couldn’t get in as there were rant, which is nice but expensive. the security were being twats with too many people. It’s acceptable, but Don’t expect change from £20, but the guest list, but I do have some irritating. You can cut the guest list, it is worth the money. It is an ideal recommendations to anyone who but when people have paid money place to go if your parents are down wants to go. it’s just not good business to turn and they are paying, or if you want Defected used to be at Ministry them away. These problems would to eat somewhere cool before going of Sound once a month, then it had never have had occurred if they out into London. a break over the summer. It went had predicted the size of the turn- Cactus Blue one of those plac- back before Christmas, but there out for the night. To make matters es where you just have to ignore was numerous problems. These worse, the staff didn’t seem to know the fact that you just spent £7 on were mainly due to the huge turn- what was going on either – there a cocktail and soft drinks start at outs – the place was apparently were Defected staff and Pacha staff £2. Champagne cocktails are also rammed. Therefore, when they all being told different information £7 so it’s worth just drinking those moved to Pacha (a smaller venue) about lists and where people should all night – it reminds you of what for their album launch, they knew be and whether they were paying. is was like to not drink snakebite it was going to be huge. And I mean This review, if you can really call just because it’s cheap and gets you huge. it that, isn’t a bitter bitch about how wasted. I turned up at about 9.30pm, know- I didn’t get in, it’s really just a piece The best thing about the whole ing there was going to be a huge of advice to the organisers: ensure A defective house. Or should that be Defected? place is the fact that they have a tiny queue, even for the guest list. The that all the staff know what they are lift for glasses. It was a cage in the main queue at this point was already doing and don’t employ people who is always a bane of every clubber’s there two hours early with a ther- centre of the bar, which I have to say right round the other side of the are there on a power trip. night out – whether or not you are mos of soup, a ticket and perhaps a has entertained me numerous times building, about 75m long. The thing Defected have become massive actually on the list, and if so, is the small child to entertain me through when a little bit drunk. with the guest list queue that night recently, so any event they hold is bouncer going to be a dick? Pacha the boredom of waiting. Or even a Something else important is that was that it wasn’t just a guest list; sold out a few weeks if not months has this weird system of a house list heavily overweight midget on a tri- they ask for your credit card when people who had tickets were there, before the event. If you do have and a club night list instead of just cycle. Yodelling. You know it makes they take your order. This is for they had a paying guest, a house tickets, I recommend getting there having one nice alphabetised list. sense. Aaron Mason security reasons, so if you’re think- guest, the list went on. So, as you early. Not just 20 minutes, I mean If anyone actually managed to get ing of doing a runner, don’t. The only can imagine, it was a complete free at least an hour early. If you don’t into Pacha then I hope you had a File under: reason I say I this is because I have for all. As the night was so popular, have tickets but are going to queue good time, as it was meant to be one Balls up thought whether it’d be possible to they had decided to cut down the to pay, I would say get there even of the biggest nights in the Defected If you like this, try: run and grab my card and make it press guest list. This cut included earlier because there is going to be calendar. I would go again if they Standing outside in the cold for a out of the door. It’s not. me, so I wasn’t best pleased. Even a big crowd. As for the guest list, this were doing another party, but I’d get long time Aaron Mason Fabric’s breaks beat the rest

joined the much less daunting guest us. For those of you who know the CLUB REVIEW list queue. A touch of blagging club, we came down the back stairs was in order to extend my spot to into Room 2 – you really come in on Fabric Live three people, but the chick with a high because the music is already Fabric the clipboard was won over by my cranked and the crowd is dancing. I £12 winning smile and we ventured was struck by how empty the place HHHHI inside. was compared to the hundreds The night was getting more and waiting outside (over-enthusiastic We pulled up to Fabric at 11.15 to more promising when we swiftly bouncers as always) but immedi- find a queue snaking miles around bypassed about 40 people in the ately headed to the bar to get things the block. We immediately knew this cloakroom queue, though I’m not rolling. night was going to be a little bit sure why – I was slightly dazed I’m not much of a drum and bass special. and being led by the hand at this fan, but I love my breaks and I was For once, we didn’t have to worry point. We checked our coats and there to check out the much lauded about the long wait in the cold and, that moment of imminent clubbing Australian breaks wizard, Phil K. Hybrid thanks to Nightlife editor Simon, excitement and nerves was upon Distinctive Breaks were doing their monthly spot in room 2, and Phil K is first tune hit the speakers. The K was winding things up with the doing the next in their excellent Y4K lasers came on and the party was resonant, Jimmi Hendrix-esque gui- cd series, which has seen the likes of in full swing. tars of Andy Page’s Serpent – check Hybrid and DJ Hyper produce qual- Phil K is regarded as one of the his Y4K for a choon and a half!The ity mixes. most talented DJs around and now I rest of the night was spent equal- Evil Nine were doing the warm-up know why: layer upon layer of filthy ly between Hybrid, who were also job and were banging it out a little breakbeat shuddered the Fabric sys- excellent, room 3 for a bit of the UK too early, in my opinion, their excel- tem. Not a single missed beat or still hip-hop of Rodney P and Skitz, and lent heavy guitar mix of Alex Dolby’s moment, just cranking it up tune the stairs for a bit of breather! I met Hazy Way straining the speakers at by tune. The basslines and hi-hats many new and old faces and gener- 11.45. There was little movement kept us hypnotically on the floor, ally had my best night for a while. on the dance floor and I was disap- boogieing away. Then he dropped Cosmo Shield pointed by an act that I had heard Prodigy’s Spitfire and the crowd many good things about. erupted. If you haven’t heard the File under: A few drinks later and 1am had caustic breaks of the Prodge’s new Breaks arrived. A feeling of expectation album, check it out! If you like this, try: swept the floor and the stuttering The next hour or so went in a bit Chew The Fat @ The End Evil Nine beats of the Melbourne maestro’s of a blur and, before I knew it, Phil Felix 30 www.felixonline.co.uk Thursday 10 February 2005

Books [email protected] A day in the life Nicolas Osman extols the virtues of an epic 20th century novel. It’s even better than revision

assigned a colour and a field of Ulysses study; although none of this is men- by James Joyce tioned explicitly, Joyce used these HHHHI themes as blueprints for this mas- sive novel. Put away your notes. Turn off the Ulysses reflects the fact that Joyce television. Put the textbooks back on sees his language as dying out. Not their shelf. Find a copy of Ulysses, only is the Irish language giving and read it now. way to English, but English is giv- I admit that this is a slightly odd ing way to ‘electrical English’, the opening, but I would really recom- language of cinema, gramophones mend reading this book. I can’t real- and wireless. And, as such, Ulysses ly describe it, I don’t understand it, is a novel to end all novels. it’s just absolutely brilliant. Taking the starting point with Most book reviews would cover the ancient tradition of poets pass- the plot. I can do that in a sentence; ing down their epics, Joyce seems Ulysses is about a man, who gets to move through every conceiv- up, goes to work, wanders around able mode of written English. Dublin, and goes home. That’s it. 24 One chapter is written in Middle hours in the life of a certain Leopold English; another is written as a play. Bloom, on 16 June 1904. Now, you The most striking chapter is the might think that this makes for Nausicaa chapter, in which Bloom a dull book (especially as this is fantasises about a young girl on the spread over 900 pages). However, strand before him. The language Ulysses shouldn’t be read for the is flowing and poetic, building up incredible plot; instead, it is the way to a climax, when Bloom suddenly it is written that is to be enjoyed. realises that the girl is lame. At this We are used to reading nov- point, the language collapses into a els where characters are forced mess of the incomplete sentences Ulysses. It's a book, y'know. It’s quite good too through a series of quite extraor- and intangible thought processes dinary events by god-like authors. that are so common in the rest way that we see the world. both to Bloom’s foreskin and (dur- references means that its hard not James Joyce, on the other hand, of the book. Although this writing The novel was written in the ing a particularly odd episode) his to realise that you recognise some- takes the role of neutral observer style seems overwhelming, it does early part of the 20th century and, vulva, showing his struggle between thing, although, at the same time, I rather than director. The novel is indeed seem that we are reading like most creative art from that masculine and feminine. Perhaps was always wondering what I wasn’t a verisimilitude, like an intricately the mind of the protagonist. As an period, it deals with encroaching Joyce saw that man and woman picking up while reading. detailed picture taken from nature, example, consider the lines: mechanisation. Bloom sympathis- would eventually become complete- I will admit that, for the most where every brushstroke is loaded “Perfume of embraces all him es with the machines, thinking in ly indistinguishable, as humanity part, I didn’t have a clue what was with meaning. assailed. With hungered flesh their terms and giving them words and the inanimate coalesced. going on in Ulysses, but then again, However, there is a definite paral- obscurely he mutely craved to (“Sllt”, “Gurrhr” and “frseeeeeeee- One of the most fascinating aspects it isn’t always necessary to under- lel between the novel and its all- adored” fronnnng” are all words assigned of Ulysses is the range of references stand something to enjoy it. If you action predecessor, the Odyssey. To most people, it seems that the to inanimate objects). Indeed, it makes. As well as Shakespeare approach it without trying to dissect Each chapter of Ulysses is a retell- words are random. In fact, Joyce Bloom himself seems an automa- and Chaucer, Joyce includes some it, it’s really enjoyable. The problem ing of an episode of the Odyssey: spent an entire day on these two ton at times, following strings of surprising pieces of information, comes later on when you start to the aged professors at the library sentences alone. His English seems instructions, with little apparent including astronomical classifica- think like bloom yes and stop using are Scylla and Charybdis; the Sirens to be teeming with life and beauty, motivation. As well as seeming to tions, historical events, and entire punctuation like the last 60 or so become barmaids, and a national- but only because the words are in be part-machine, he seems to be pieces of legend. A small section pages and everything becomes like ist citizen takes the place of the exactly the correct order. At times, part-female as well. One charac- is devoted to an Irish warrior, who one big sentence which is a bril- Cyclops. As well as this, Ulysses is entire sentences are repeated in a ter, Stephen Dedalus, sees heav- bears images of “Irish heroes and liant ending very upbeat yes and the a physical novel – each chapter has completely different order, to show en as a place where “everyman is heroines of antiquity”; these include paragraphs go awol as well but the an associated piece of the anatomy, the fluidity of language. And the his own wife”; Bloom takes this to Captain Nemo, Alessandro Volta word limit approaching how many and these disparate chapters all theme of language is an important extremes, both physical (masturba- and (for fans of Saint-Saëns) The words did he say seven hundred yes add together to make a function- one; Joyce shows how language tion in the Nausicaa chapter) and Man Who Broke the Bank at Monte too late for that and yes to write yes ing whole. Also, each chapter is defines the way we think, and the mental. Indeed, reference is made Carlo. This dense layering of cross and will I stop now Yes

LLooookkiinngg ffoorr ssoommeetthhiinngg iinn Felix? Felix’s most experienced section editor will deliver what YOU want to read. ForFor moremore relevantrelevant content,content, andand moremore irreverentirreverent humourhumour

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[email protected] Film Listings: page 22 Big on stars, low on story Twelve is the new Eleven: George, Brad and the gang get involved in another heist

Ocean’s Twelve back. At the end of the first film, his tor, who is determined to catch the new-age gang of thieves disbanded slippery boys in the act and send Director: Steven Soderbergh and went their separate ways after them all to prison. She also has Starring: Brad Pitt, Catherine stealing $160 million from lecherous to contend with ex-boyfriend Rusty Zeta-Jones, George Clooney, casino boss Terry Vincent, played Ryan (Brad Pitt) who uses his con- Julia Roberts as slick and menacing by veteran siderable charms to try to get the Length: 125 minutes Andy Garcia. Now, three years later, better of her. Certificate: 12A Vincent has tracked down all those George Clooney reprises his role HHHII who stole from him and he wants as Danny Ocean, and brings class his money back, with interest, in and boyish charm to the lead. Brad Style, glamour, the most beautiful just two weeks. With no time to Pitt plays his right hand man to locations in Europe and some of the spare, Ocean rounds up his old crew perfection: making him the suave, if biggest names in Hollywood have and they head for Europe to steal slightly arrogant, master con artiste all been packed into this new film enough to save their lives. and point man he needs to be. A cou- by Steven Soderbergh. It’s the big What follows is a whirlwind of ple of other well-known names such budget sequel to Ocean’s Eleven, planning and execution, as they as Matt Damon and Don Cheadle the aptly titled Ocean’s Twelve. come up with inventive and origi- Adding in the promise of a little nal ways of stealing their proposed intrigue, a dash of romance and a targets. At the same time, howev- “It is here that twisty plot, you might think that er, they are being watched by a the film lets itself How many celebrities does it take to make a good movie? Soderbergh would have produced mysterious figure – the Nightfox a really great movie, but unfortu- – a master thief himself, who could down – the plot more himself. The American comedian to some very predictable final twists, nately Ocean’s Twelve never quite turn out to be either friend or foe. Bernie Mac also appears, but his taking two hours to do so. The end delivers the goods. Also in pursuit of Ocean et al is or less sucks...” comedic genius is completely unused dragged on miserably, attempting to So Danny Ocean and his boys are Isabel, a brilliant Europol investiga- by Soderbergh as Mac’s character is tie up all loose ends. are thrown in as well, with British left to languish in a Dutch jail for There was also hardly any tension actors Eddie Izzard and Robbie almost the entire movie. throughout the film, which is unu- Coltrane in special guest starring As the story progresses, we are sual in this kind of production. And roles. taken across the continent from the meticulous preparation for the The ladies of this film, do their Amsterdam and Rome to the shores heists, which was what I had come very best to balance out the almost of Lake Como, and all is done in lav- to expect from Ocean’s Eleven and overwhelming levels of testosterone ish style. The European backdrop had made it that much more inter- present, whilst also bringing a lot of provides the film with the elegance esting, was simply skimmed over glamour to the screen. Julia Roberts that is not often found in many of this time. It was also disappoint- is Ocean’s long-suffering wife Tess, today’s Hollywood offerings. The ing that the few action scenes were who gets in on the action this time soundtrack skips from contempo- erratic and short-lived. around; and Catherine Zeta Jones rary to classical with a bit of late Whilst there are some enjoyable is the enigmatic Isabel. sixties retro thrown in to perfectly scenes in the film and no one part The cast is, without a doubt, full of offset each scene. of it is too terrible, it just seems to first-rate actors, but with so many Soderbergh has wonderfully suc- lack any real substance and comes stars present the film seems to be ceeded in choosing the perfect back- across as no more than an excuse to cluttered with lots of two-dimen- drop for the story and the action that get a lot of famous friends together sional characters. This includes is meant to follow; but it is here that in one movie. The cast is definitely Matt Damon, who comes across as the film lets itself down – the plot the main draw of the film, as any fan terribly inconsistent and is nowhere more or less sucks. It isn’t terrible, will tell you. It was, in a word, fun, near believable as Linus Caldwell, just extremely weak – an initially but not something to write home Their expressions look as bland as this film the young pickpocket trying to prove confusing plot eventually gives way about. Mandirassa Osakonor

OUT NEXT WEEK ● The Sea Inside Are you talkin’ about a sequel? ● Released on Friday 11 February at The Magic Recent reports in the press have Casino. This is, without doubt, a very opposite – your expectations will Vue Fulham Broadway: Roundabout suggested that Robert De Niro and important film. inevitably be shattered, and your Martin Scorsese have been dis- Taxi Driver is one of those rari- response after seeing it will be cussing plans for a sequel to Taxi ties – an art-house movie that was unpredictable. ● The Mask 2: Visit www.myvue.com/student for Driver. a complete critical and commer- Taxi Driver is a disturbing movie more details. “I was talking with Martin cial success. Nowadays, no mat- in which every scene is designed to Son of the Mask Scorsese about doing what I guess ter how good a film is, it will not capture the lead character’s oppres- Vue Fulham Broadway are giving you’d call a sequel to Taxi Driver, reach a massive audience unless sive loneliness. Its famous “You ● Spongebob you the opportunity to win merchan- where [Bickle] is older,” said Robert its release is preceded by several talkin’ to me?” scene, where De dise for the week’s new releases. de Niro, the star of the original months of costly marketing and Niro’s character has a gunslinging Squarepants Just answer this question: movie. Coincidentally, the National competition with his own reflection, Film Theatre are now screening “Taxi Driver is one of has been referenced in movies such Who is the odd one out and why? Scorsese’s 1976 masterpiece next as La Haine. The film ending and a) Jim Carrey week, giving fans an opportunity to those rarities – an art- plot has even influenced recent box b) Leonardo DiCaprio watch it on the big screen. office hits such as Bad Santa. Most c) Matt Damon This is a film about a lonely house movie that was famously, perhaps, there were calls Vietnam veteran, whose antipa- Taxi Driver to be banned after the Email your answers and which mer- thy towards the decadence in the a complete success” film inspired a real-life assassina- chandise you would like to win to streets around him drives him to tion attempt on the life of Ronald [email protected]. Usual Felix undertake a violent mission to rid advertising. Unashamedly commer- Reagan in 1981. competition rules apply. the city of “the scum, the dogs and cial films such as Ocean’s Twelve In the current commercial climate the filth”. make money and dominate the cin- in the movie industry, I would not Taxi Driver was Martin Scorsese ema listings because of huge mar- be surprised one bit if they made Last week’s winners and Robert De Niro’s second keting campaigns that condition Taxi Driver II. A sequel to such an collaboration after the superb audiences into knowing what to influential film is guaranteed to be Ocean’s Twelve Mean Streets. Thanks to its suc- expect. Ocean’s Twelve is a good a massive commercial success, and Marco Visentini Scarznella cess, the two went on to make a bet for mindless entertainment, nowadays, that in itself is a good Jessica Wright series of legendary films such as therefore, it is a bankable movie for enough reason to make it. Alan Ng Raging Bull, Goodfellas, and a Friday night. Taxi Driver is the Darius Nikbin Spongebob: you what? Film Editor Felix 32 www.felixonline.co.uk Thursday 10 February 2005

Coffee Break [email protected] Another week, Another Coffee Break. It’s Valentines Day on Monday, so we thought who better to give love advice than the sex god himself, Mr David Hasselhoff. He was Michael Knight for god’s sake! Send your answers to [email protected]

Do You Have A Problem? Want To Share it With The Hoff?

Send David an email at coffee. [email protected], and we’ll print the best. Or even better, send us your mates’ problems, and we can all DearThe World’sDavid No1 Agony Uncle / Lifeguard / All-Round Legendary Guy have a laugh at their expense “Hey there students! Working hard? I hope so. College is Answers for issue 1313 Small Stories an important part of growing up. Going to College was the Thanks to everybody who entered. 1. The Goonies best thing I ever did... apart from that German chick I met The FUCWIT league is getting 2. Dirty Dancing pretty lanky now. If you keep on 3. Jurassic Park at the Love Parade back in ‘87. Man, could that girl go! entering (and there’s still a little 4. Uncle Buck Seriously though, College is important. Personally, I went time for last week’s too) you can 5. Groundhog Day catch up. A little at least! 6. Bedknobs and Broomsticks to DCL, David’s College of Life! And that’s where you guys 7. Apocolypse Now are going too, for one week only. I’m an international Close-Ups 8. The Shawshank Redemption 1. Craig David, Born To Do It 9. Se7en superstar. I singlehandly brought down the Berlin Wall. I 2. Radiohead, OK Computer 10. Dog Day Afternoon just speak the truth and if I help some people with their 3. Bruce Springsteen, Born in the 11. Lost in Translation USA 12. The Great Escape own pathetic little lives at the same time, then that’s just 4. The Beatles, Sgt Pepper’s 13. Eternal Sunshine of the great! There’s three points if you can work out who has Lonely Hearts Club Band Spotless Mind 5. The Manic Street Preachers, 14. Finding Nemo each problem, and what their problem is.” The Holy Bible 15. Fight Club 6. Oasis, Definitely Maybe 7. Pink Floyd, Dark Side of The Nine points on offer this week, Moon which isn’t much. You get three Embarrassing brother 8. Red Hot Chilli Peppers, points for telling us who has each Hey David, smokes too, I think he’s being doing Happy Valentines Day! Californication problem, and what it is. I’ve found it hard to talk about my drugs. It’s breaking our Grandma’s problem, I don’t think anybody takes heart! it seriously. Please, let me explain. The final straw was a few week’s My family has always had a rough ago. He went to a party, dressed FUCWIT LEAGUE time of it, with people gossiping completely inappropriately. There Drugs are bad, mmmkay behind our backs, calling us names, was a lot of fuss caused, and I got 2004-5 that kind of thing. My parents had a the blame! David, living room. messy divorce, as they’d both been Life is so unfair, what can I do to I’ve just started a new relation- My parents and my friends aren’t Smith & Wesson 188 points cheating on each other. A few years sort him out? ship, but nobody is supporting me! so keen though. They think I should later, my mum died. I met him a few weeks ago, at a know better. And they keep remind- Araldite Sniffers 176 points Every since it happened though, David Says: I’m afraid I’m pretty party. I love to party, and so does ing me that I have a child. Why do my little brother just hasn’t been the sure I know what the problem is he. So we sat around and talked they do that? I’m trying to forget! The Illegitimate Bionic Progeny of same. He started hanging around here bud. Your brother’s a prick. about parties for a bit. Then I had How can I convince them that a Jeremy Beadle 134 points with the wrong type of people, There ain’t too much you can do some coke, and we sat around and crackhead heroin junkie is the right going to parties, that kind of thing. about it. I think he’ll calm down a talked about how amazing we both guy for me? Management Slackers 127 points Gradually, over time it’s just got little if he has to settle down and be are. Before that night, I’d never met worse and worse. a dad. So until then, just encourage anyone as selfish and irresponsible David Says: I did some crazy things Team Willy J 93 points He drinks far too much, and ends him to have as much unprotected as I am. I thought, “he could be my in my time. I remember the time up fighting with random people out- sex as possible, with as many needy soulmate”. myself and KITT drove to Thailand Team Robin 81 points side clubs. Dad always finds out. He women. That’ll sort him out! I invited him to my birthday party to find ourselves. Man, that whole and since then our relationship month is a blur. There’s a moral to Schoolboy Error 80 points has just grown and grown. We’re this story kids, and that’s never ever inseperable, apart from when I’m in trust that bastard KITT. Your crack- Team Bulwer 42 points Ring The Hoff! New York ‘working’, and when he’s head heroin junkie is fine though, so lying half dead in a drug dealer’s have fun lady! The Schist Ones 38 points

Caledonian Conspiracy 31 points I’ve been a naughty boy Eastbound and Down 31 points Hey Hoff-man! inappropriate in my life. Not once Kings of Kensington 31 points I really respect you and your work have I done something that I con- David, you’ve been such an idol to sider ‘weird’, ‘perverted’ or ‘illegal’. Withnail and I Society 31 points me for so long. I love you. But people are telling me that I I love lots of things. Zoos, fair- have! Rod Watson’s Super Army 29 points grounds, a child’s naive smile, that They say it’s wrong for me and my If you’ve got a problem and there’s nobody to help, ring one of David’s kind of thing. I’m just full of love, buddies to have sleepovers. They Oliver Carson 29 points pre-recorded helplines, and you’ll get all the help you need... some would say too much, but say that I’m not allowed to share my Just dial 08791 123 000 plus the number matching your problem they’re just ignorant. bed with my best friends. They say Forever Throwing Doubles 23 points I’ve had some health issues too that I’m gonna be in big big trouble. Dial 1 if you’re a sexy lesbian cheer- Dial 4 if you’re in love with your David, causing my skin to change I’m a nice guy, why won’t people let KPN2 11 points leader and can’t find your underwear brother’s girlfriend’s parent’s dog colour, my talent to dissapear and me be myself! my nose to fall off. It’s been pretty I don’t want to hurt anybody, I just Natasha Kundi 10 points Dial 2 if he prefers Football Manager Does Size Matter? Dial 5 if hard going, but I’ve had my little want to love them! to you you think so friends keeping me company. Why doesn’t anybody believe me? Answers to.... But now, people want to stop me I don’t understand! [email protected] Dial 3 if you want to know why it’s still playing with my friends! Itching It’s just not fair! David Says: Get out of here before I There are prizes for the top teams I’ve never done anything wrong or slap you silly! at the end of the year! Felix Thursday 10 February 2005 www.felixonline.co.uk 33

COFFEE BREAK [email protected]

Felix Crossword 1315 by Jabberwock

1 1 2 2 3 3 4 4 5 5 6 6 7 7 8 Across Down 8. Utterly frighten away little 1. Diagrammatic outline found in 8 9 Albert? (8) Nietzsche manuscript (6) 9. Angered Pinochet deported 2. Audibly twisted crossbar (4) Greetings, cruciverbovoracists! 9 10 alien (6) 3. The old people and I, an Arab Carrying on with thematic puz- 10. I see, so to speak, a point (6) zles, this week all the across clues 10 11 12 breaking off Titanic destroyer 4. Such a party may be held before are undefined but are of a kind. The (4) entering the Union (4) theme is not altogether unrelated to 11 12 11. Regal manoeuvre… (5) 5. Authorise account payment? (8) the one in my last puzzle and should 12. …to behead King’s fellows (4) 6. Insane protocol’s second half be easy to guess. Note a peculiarity 13 14 15 16 17 13. Heathen leaders incited rejected (4) of 26 across which ‘turns a corner’ Nicaean insurgency (8) 7. Helicopter body, e.g., contains a into 27down, hence is only seven let- 13 14 15 16 16. Drove most recklessly to Alaska dangerous firearm (8) ters (a word length otherwise una- (6) 14. A point of view audience is not vailable in this grid). 18 19 20 21 18 & 21. Shrieks, we hear, uttered meant to hear (5) I had a feeling most of the clues by the French queen (8) 15. Climbing plants, I contend, were a bit dull, so if you do enjoy any 20 & 28. Holy men introduce regular sting initially (5) in particular, please write in to cheer 17 18 19 20 pageants (5-5) 17. Shakespeare’s dark- me up. Good luck! Jabberwock 21. See 18 complexioned character may 22 23 24 25 22. Force acceptance of French be found in Seoul (5) Issue 1314 solution water (6) 19. Once more achieved control 21 22 23 24 C H I N E S E O N E W Y E A R 23. Brother, for one, may lie to us by impounding half of A O N E N A X I U S A I Q O O (8) ambassador’s staff (8) L U C A N E P O L I T B U R O 26 27 28 29 30 26 & 27 down. Tricks reverse 20. Sultan is anxious to obtain E T U P U B O E L N E R A O S American vessel… (7) narrow sail (8) N A R C I S S U S D R E L I T 25 26 28. See 20 24. Small restaurant exposed twice D A S E D E E N E B F N E E E 30. …carrying graduate from China to regular terror (6) S K I N N E D T T R A P P E R 31 32 (4) 25. Release international M E O T O B V R H L E R T X A M N E S I A T H O L D O F F 31 & 32. Kiosks I mark over direc- organisation’s carbon record (6) 27 28 L I U H F S C G O W P U S E E tionless journey (6-8) 27. See 26 across M O O S E O E U P H R A T E S 29. Some deer seen on elevated A R T A R E T B E T O F R A T railroad in Kansas (4) N O T F A R O F F B B R A V O 30. Dandy lover (4) A I E I T G N O U N I I T L O Last week’s winner is Chris Hughes, Mech Eng I. Well done! C A R O U S E O L A N T E R N Send your answers to [email protected] or bring this page down to the Felix office in The theme was Chinese New Year, the West Wing of Beit Quad. Each week, we’ll choose a winner and print their name, thus and the central square contained providing them with almost unlimited kudos and self-satisfaction. Everyone who provides the digits 4703, which is the number us with a correct solution will get an entry into our prize draw at the end of the year of the new year in the Chinese calendar. Felix 34 www.felixonline.co.uk Thursday 10 February 2005

SPORT [email protected] Disc Doctors battle SE teams

ULTIMATE FRISBEE girl” Fischer, Stas “CTAC” pitch to a skilful, high-jump- outnumbered for the duration Parpantel, Nathan “I’m the ing receiver and managed to of the match. But that didn’t best” Muir and yours truly. beat any of our deep defend- stop them from scoring on us. By Jaidip H Patel Although this wasn’t the ers. Quite annoying really. With myself and Chris lead- entire first team, as sched- Then, to make matters worse, ing from the back with some In the fashion of Disc Doctors’s uled dD were ready to take on they threw their own defen- good flow and up-field passes (dD) attempt to dominate the the regions best and worst. In sive play that comprised of to the mid player receivers sports pages, another match total six teams showed up to one player trying to cut out (Manny and Munky), dD took report is brought to you for play two matches each and any open-side passes (a.k.a quick charge of the game. your perusal, even if it only pick up some well-earned a “poach”) merely by guard- Due to being outnumbered gets read by those of you at rank points: Under Cover ing close open space usually UCL could only try clever for- home sat on the bog! Lovers (UCL), Mohawks left clear for cutters. Brunel mations, sacrificing players Last week dD took a timely (Sussex Uni), Brunel (that’s it; continued to dominate the into a zone-type play. But dD trip to Falmer (Brighton) to that’s their name), Holloway match with precision and skill had practiced against much take on two teams in a match- Hammers, Surrey Scorpions despite Manny’s committed of this in the preceding weeks day hosted by University and dD. Our first match was lay-out (equivalent to a diving and easily broke UCL’s strat- of Sussex’s own team, against Brunel: header with your hands to egy with impressive points Mohawks. catch the disc) to deny Brunel, from Manny, Stas and George. First a bit of background Disc Doctors 1 one of the points. Just when Despite long-field hucks and work: In the run-up to the Brunel 11 we had got used to break- end-zone hammers by “Easy” regional play-offs in six weeks ing their defence with some (UCL), dD proved their merit time it had been taken upon Spectacular stuff: Gif launches himself to catch the disc Having convinced us of their great passes and expert flow by taking the game well within the South East teams to go ability at indoor regionals last to allow Stas to score, Brunel the 40 minute time limit. head-to-head against as many points (and thus rank) not the ladder system. term, both teams wanted to took the match comfortably. I I hope most of that made teams in as many matches as only by playing matches, but Enough of that technical prove their outdoor worth for guess we didn’t “suck it up” sense folks, and if it didn’t, possible in order to feasibly also for going against better babble. dD showed up with the first time on the field. enough, dammit! why not come along to a prac- seed 30+ teams that would teams on their home ground seven players and three With their full 1st team, tice sometime? Practices are be competing for a place in even if they lost! Genius. rolling subs in Brighton Brunel lined up ready to take Disc Doctors 11 nearby in Hyde Park next to the nationals. Does that make Another reason is to increase suited and booted who were: on dD and, unperturbed, we Under Cover Lovers 2 the tennis courts. Just look sense? Basically, this means the profile of student ultimate Emmanuel “I can’t catch, but threw a zone play (imagine out for the flying discs! All that various teams would play (as it’s called by those play- I’m still President!” Bennett, a wall of three players mark- Down, but not out were levels of ability are welcome, each other to see where they ing Ultimate Frisbee) in the Neville “Captain Canadian” ing the player with posses- Neville’s (ye old Club Captain) and no previous experience ranked (roughly) in the region SE region, which lacks good Dubash, Chris “Those big red sion of the disc) as a defen- words of wisdom that ensured is necessary. You could make to ensure that they got a fair student teams despite hav- balls cost £120!” Rowlands, sive tactic for the first point. lessons were learnt. The next the first team in less than a fight at the actual regional ing the best open Mens team Ian “Munky” Ballantyne, Jee As it turned out, their main game was to be a whole differ- year! tournament. And so the “lad- nationally. Proudly, dD’s own “small but cool” Kwan, George receiver and “hucker” was ent story. Unfortunately, UCL Keep it real y’all. Track dD’s der system” was born. This star mid-receiver, Kris Wong, “Gordan” Brownbridge, able to break this with huge could only field six players route to regionals here in the means that teams gained played a vital role in devising Laurie “I always get the throws up either side of the (short by one) and so were coming six weeks. No victory but best effort award to Imperial ladies

FOOTBALL appeared that they weren’t whilst doing it: strawberries. perfect tackle that she got all that! We were only seven Guiles, our centre defender, congratulated by the girl she Sponsored by and substantially more petite, kept us in line and made some took down. Courageous Alex but we definitely had pres- amazing sprints and tackles, (the birthday girl) ran left and ence on the pitch. It took them which kept Sussex’s strikers right with amazing defending 25 minutes to score with our at bay. tactics and skills and, along defence (all the team) hold- Our team captain, Poppy, with Guiles and Kathy, held ing them up-field with amaz- picked up on a free-kick and the line tight. She was chal- ing offside traps (at least 20 sprinted fast for something so lenged by a girl three times free-kicks given to us in the small in the distance: Sussex’s her size in the second half Sussex Women’s 1st 8 first half!). We kept posses- goal. After dribbling past their and still managed to save the Imperial Women’s 1st 0 sion well although when we defence, Poppy executed a goal. lost it, they stretched us far shot that just nudged their The whistle blew for full It was a cold Wednesday and wide. This was handled keeper. They had learned to time and the game ended at morning when we all met beautifully by the stunningly fear us! And so they should 8-0, but the IC ladies can hold apprehensively at London fit (in more ways than one) as Chloé, our left winger, did their heads high because we Bridge. Unfortunately, ‘all’ and agile IC ladies. not allow anyone down her played fantastically with only consisted of seven players Libby, the brave Brummie line. When she had the ball seven players and each player and no goalie! Quel domage! in goal for the first time, (Zidane-like, French genes at gave a great performance! But to Sussex we went, not showed us her hidden talents work) she always managed The score wasn’t that impor- thinking of the storm ahead. by making some spectacular to find Poppy or Joe and tri- tant in the end because so We were offered 35 minutes saves from fast, unpredict- angulate their way forward. much fun was had by all. And each way by the ref due to our able shots. Kathy (who can do The right side was held by not just on the pitch but by lack of players, but the oppo- amazing things with her legs) Joe, who, during one of her celebrating with some burg- sition refused! Kick-off was defended brilliantly down many forays back to defend ers and chips in Brighton! IC given to Sussex, but it soon the right and smelt very nice the goal, pulled off such a ladies... shaking that ass! IC Ladies: a fantastic performance with only seven players Patsolutely Farrbulous

FOOTBALL were playing UCL Seconds, The pressure persisted, slot calmly past the ‘keeper. dle, and a couple of his efforts Woodcock whipped in a dan- and a win should have been a however, and after a neat Eat my goal! Imperial began narrowly missed the target. gerous corner, and Pat Farr, Sponsored by formality for such a talented build up, their striker (who to dominate, with a thunder- As full time approached, who’d been a rock in defence bunch of individuals, but as was smelly) fired past the ous effort from Berksy arrow- JR, T and Mathan all had all game, rose to power in the we all know, anything can on-rushing keeper. One-nil. ing just over, but the third chances to win it, but last winner. GET IN! His second happen in the cup! Uberbeef! The troops ral- goal remained elusive. ditch defending saved UCL. of the game brought ecstatic Imperial Men’s 1st 3 The game kicked off, and lied and, following a Chris The second half started Full time, two-two! celebrations and a huge sigh UCL Men’s 1st 2 with Imperial sleeping, UCL Woodcock free-kick, T found much the same as the first, A rousing team talk by the of relief. (after extra time) was quick to capitalise. Firstly, Pat Farr free in the box to with sloppy Imperial defend- hamstrung badger breathed Special mentions must go a blistering strike from a UCL equalise. One-one. Back of ing and gifting their smelly life into aching limbs. Imperial to Carlos and Berksy who By Oliver Wright midfielder seemed to be fir- the net! striker a second goal. again looked the most likely covered every blade of grass, ing into the top corner until a The goal seemed to inspire Again Imperial responded to win the game, but they and man of the match Pat Imperial’s flagship football flying Peruvian by the name the team to produce some sex- in the best possible way, cre- had to rely on the agility of Farr. A tough tie against LSE team returned to Shenley to of Carlos Alberto Vasquez ual football. One such piece of ating numerous chances, but their South American stop- Firsts now beckons in the avenge the semi-final defeat of diverted the danger. What a erotic play saw Timur com- our luck wasn’t in. Javier was per to keep them in it. In the quarters, as Imperial hunt for two years ago. Admittedly, we goalie! bine brilliantly with Javier to pulling the strings in the mid- final moments of the game, the ULU Cup. Felix Thursday 10 February 2005 www.felixonline.co.uk 35

SPORT [email protected] A feast of hockey Firsts beat King’s

HOCKEY were a bit rubbish. In fact, But in a nice way. Perhaps. NETBALL the points. Fortunately, we deservedly gave her man of for the first half, we played As per current tradition, had actually had a training the match. appallingly. Fortunately, we we turned up a good half Sponsored by session before this match, and And so to the final quarter, By Tristan Lane dragged our opposition down hour early to warm up the it meant there was a much which, up until this game, had to our level, and no-one beats magical hockey skills that more cohesive performance always been our weak point. ICSM Men’s 3rd 4 us in an unfair, home advan- the thirds currently seem to from the team as a whole. But no more. Precision pass- Bart’s Men’s 3rd 0 tage street fight. It was heart- possess. As a tribute to past We got off to a flying start ing and some great set-plays ening, at least, to know that glories, Frankie “the cock in the first quarter, breaking combined with sheer deter- Something was obviously in even at about 25% of maxi- doc” McDermott returned King’s centre four times whilst mination meant that King’s the water over Christmas. mum we were still able to from the heady world of easily holding our own, which couldn’t make any impact Since the holiday, not one goal beat a “better” GKTs side. actual work to spearhead the Imperial 1st 43 gave us a seven-goal lead by on our lead. This is our best was let in, and seven were The first half was quiet, with attacking line-up. We started King’s 1st 33 the break. Even a forced sub- scoreline to date, and a very scored. But enough of the fri- no goals, but some good runs in fine fettle, ready to take on stitution for a twisted ankle positive result because we volities, down to the game. from both sides. Their front the world and possibly even By Erika Kennington couldn’t stop us, and our new- won all four quarters. Next The team were psyched for four were quite adept and LSE. Unfortunately, most of est recruit Sotonye fitted in week, UCL and LSE. this game, mainly because gave our defence a bit of a run the game’s events have long Another Wednesday, another straight away, getting some most of us thought it was LSE. around, but, fortunately, their since passed into the steamy BUSA fixture for the firsts. awesome interceptions within But Barts turned up, so we midfield had forgotten to turn alcoholic memories, but some This time we were at home minutes of coming on court. thought: what the hell might up, so there was no setting things have remained. against King’s, who are in King’s tightened their play as well give them a game. And up for the killer blow. Instead, Once again, we dominated about the same position as in the second quarter, but we did. Slick passing flowed it was route one at various the game from start to fin- we are in the league, having we battled on, and our newly like syrup from the mid-field, angles, which, whilst tricky, ish. From the off, we pillaged won and lost to all the same rehearsed tactics (cunningly leading to many breaks and had none of the difficulty of a deep into enemy territory, teams. So, it was set up to be devised ten minutes before more chances than we’ve had well worked move. Best of all, pinning them back in their a close game. the match) paid off and saw us this season. Unforunately, on the few occasions when 22. Following many different After last week’s “too extend our lead to nine goals. we could only convert four it did work, or they actually attacks, with the ball pinging close for comfort” win over We kept the defence tight in of them with Terry’s poach- passed, Biscuit was there to into the D from all angles Goldsmiths, we knew we the third quarter, whilst con- ing skills finely honed. The assuage all doubt. It wasn’t just begging for a tap-in, we would have to step up the tinuing to test theirs. Sam’s first half was essentially one all one way stuff in anyway won a couple of short corners, pressure if we were to secure shooting was on top form and The netball first team way traffic, with wave after though, with some cracking and Kumar managed to slip wave of attacks foundering crosses being dummied and the final one into the back upon either astute defender, missed all over the shop and of the net. Despite a spirited or the inability to hit the a couple of speculative shots fight back that lasted all of goal. But eventually the pres- creeping wide (though, to be about thirty seconds, we ran Results sure had to tell, with a fine fair their keeper, did do quite straight back into their half shot from Avi being stolen well a few times). The major- and thought about tighten- by Terry after it had already ity of time was spent in their ing our stranglehold with a Royal Free Men’s 4th 3 Brunel Men’s 2nd 14 beaten the goalkeeper. A rare half, although nothing made it second goal. This would have WEDNESDAY ICSM Men’s 3rd 2 ICSM Men’s 2nd 15 Barts attack was broken up into the net. been a great time to score, by Ahran (a rock at the back), This left us in a quandary at but instead LSE hit back with 2 FEBRUARY LSE Men’s 7th 3 SQUASH whose finely placed through half time. 0-0. What do we do? a cheeky little strike from a ICSM Men’s 4th 0 ball confused and delighted Fortunately, we remembered short corner, which, despite BADMINTON King’s Men’s 1st 4 both sides as it rocketed to some more hockey skills, and Rao’s commendable efforts, HOCKEY Imperial Men’s 1st 1 Terry, who calmly fended off decided winning was the best resulted in a goal. This lev- LSE Men’s 1st 2 attention and slotted our sec- option. Again we tried wave elled things up to 1-1, and a Imperial Men’s 1st 6 Imperial Men’s 1st 0 UCL Men’s 2nd 2 ond just before half time. after wave of attack, but this proper match looked in the Canterbury CC Men’s 1st 2 Imperial Men’s 2nd 1 The second half began in time the half chances turned offing. Fortunately, we struck Imperial Men’s 2nd 5 confusing fashion for Barts. into full chances, with crosses back decisively soon after LSE Men’s 2nd 3 Imperial Men’s 2nd 0 Imperial Women’s 1st 3 Our champagne hockey being met and their goalie with another bit of Kumar Brighton Men’s 2nd 1 LSE Women’s 1st 2 forced them to conceed a silly entertained. Finally, our per- and Triscott magical inter- ICSM Men’s 1st 2 free hit outside the D. Harry sistence paid off, with Terry play, leading to another vir- King’s Men’s 1st 6 Reading Men’s 2nd 15 TENNIS pummelled in the dead ball, tidying up and slotting the ginity-shattering goal. 2-1. Imperial Men’s 3rd 1 and a gentle flick from King ball home after a messy goal Another bit of delivery from Holloway Women’s 1st 8 Imperial Men’s 1st 3 the skipper took the ball into mouth fandango. But 1-0. Kumar gave us a half-time ICSM Women’s 1st 0 St Barts Men’s 3rd 2 UCL Men’s 2nd 7 the net via the goalie’s hel- Never enough in hockey, espe- score of 3-1. Imperial Men’s 4th 2 met. Yet another 3rds goal cially not in a grudge match. A quick team chat and a slap BASKETBALL worthy of the scrap book. The Back they came with vigour, to wake up goalie Rao set us Imperial Women’s 1st 4 SATURDAY final goal of the game, how- and Biscuit was again tested, up for the second half. We were South Bank Men’s 1st 84 Holloway Women’s 1st 1 ever, was something special: but proved worthy. Gradually ready for a hard retaliation, Imperial Men’s 1st 79 5 FEBRUARY a tantalising run by HK from we regained authority and and so it proved. They poured Sussex Women’s 2nd 0 end to end past six players gently ran down the clock forth onto our defences, look- Imperial Women’s 1st 38 Imperial Women’s 2nd 3 FOOTBALL ended with a generous pass whilst sending out a few break ing for a crack or an easy way South Bank Women’s 1st 59 to Rao, who spanked our out counter attacks. The killer through. Fortunately, we held Surrey Men’s 1st 5 Imperial Men’s 1st 1 fourth goal. blow was dealt with exactly firm, with the midfield com- FENCING ICSM Men’s 1st 4 UCL Men’s 1st 1 Rarely has it been seen for one minute left on the clock. mendably taking the brunt a side to dominate a game Terry pounced again to guide of it. Eventually, we started Imperial Men’s 1st 135 ICSM Men’s 2nd 9 Queen Mary Men’s 2nd 1 quite so easily, but our cham- the ball in from one cm, fol- to break out, and forced a King’s Men’s 1st 76 Royal Free Men’s 2nd 0 Imperial Men’s 3rd 2 pagne tactics and promises of lowing cracking play by King few errors, which eventually Secrets as a reward for good and Harry in an intense short led to a most entertaining FOOTBALL ICSM Men’s 3rd 2 Goldsmiths Men’s 1st 2 play means its going down corner session. But there goal. Following an alterca- GKT Men’s 2nd 0 Imperial Men’s 4th 1 well for the 3rds. was still time for the most tion, their players completely Kent Men’s 1st 4 amazing goal avoidance ever. stopped, despite an amazing Imperial Men’s 1st 1 Greenwich Women’s 1st 1 King’s Men’s 4th 2 ICSM Men’s 3rd 2 Harry, having made a clean lack of whistle, which allowed ICSM Women’s 1st 0 Imperial Men’s 5th 2 GKT Men’s 2nd 0 break through, went one on Terry, sharp as a ferret, to Imperial Men’s 2nd 2 one with the keeper, and gave pounce and snaffle up a goal. Luton Men’s 3rd 3 ICSM Women’s 2nd 2 Imperial Men’s 6th 2 GKTs. The grudge match. GKTs their only cheer of the It made the score 4-1, but Essex Women’s 2nd 1 Queen Mary Men’s 4th 1 GKT 2nds. The hard grudge match as the keeper won with completely knocked the stuff- Imperial Men’s 3rd 0 match. And this time it was ease. Still, by then it was all ing out of them, leading to Hertfordshire Men’s 3rd 0 ICSM Women’s 3rd 0 Holloway Men’s 6th 4 to reach the BUSA play-offs academic. arguments and general dis- Goldsmiths Women’s 1st 8 Imperial Men’s 7th 0 at the expense of: Yep, you’ve cord. Another run forward by GKT Men’s 2nd 6 guessed it, GKT 2nds. Every ICSM Men’s 3rd 5 Kumar made the score 5-1. Imperial Men’s 4th 1 NETBALL ICSM Men’s 4th 0 single person in our team was LSE Men’s 2nd 2 Game over. Yet there was still SSEES Men’s 1st 1 pumped for the match, espe- time for a shock consolation RSM Men’s 1st 0 Royal Free Women’s 3rd 24 cially after last week’s drink- Yet another double-header goal. A cheap free hit outside Imperial Men’s 5th 2 ICSM Women’s 3rd 9 ing massacre. None more so grudge match. This time the D in the dying moments MONDAY than keeper, Rao, who had against LSE. The grudge was of the game shot through a Imperial Men’s 6th 2 RUGBY decided to add to his injury further stoked by last year’s pack of players and glanced GKT Men’s 4th 0 7 FEBRUARY tally by fracturing a metacar- defeat in snowy Battersea. It off a stick to loop over Rao in Brunel Men’s 3rd 24 pal on a kebab. This meant was cold this year too, but the goal mouth and plop into Imperial Men’s 7th 1 Imperial Men’s 2nd 17 SQUASH that he was relegated to ref- we made the most of a bad the goal. But no-one really GKT Men’s 5th 4 eree, and Biscuit became the situation by out-classing the minded as the final whistle ICSM Men’s 3rd 27 Imperial Women’s 1st 3 man of the moment. accountants and clerks to blew, and we had beaten yet London Met Men’s 1st 4 Imperial Men’s 3rd 0 King’s Women’s 1st 2 Good job too, frankly, as we within an inch of their lives. another team. ICSM Men’s 1st 3 Felix 36 www.felixonline.co.uk Thursday 10 February 2005

Sport [email protected] RSM more than Goodenough

RUGBY RSM 49 Goodenough College 5

By Bebop and Rocksteady

The miners were faced with what looked like a fit and well organised Goodenough College side, or so it seemed, when 15 Royal School of Mines (RSM) warriors turned up on the pitch in Regents park from all different direc- tions... except for Tim Praill, who spent the night on a park bench! With two minutes to go, acting captain Quincy Allan (in for the unavailable Eddy Poulding) warmed up his team and told volunteer ref- eree Rich ‘the tallest man in the word’ Aung to check the opposition for sharpened studs, which the Americans are renowned for. This was mainly done to buy time to induce any last minute vomit- ing from his athletes before the game started. The match began with a very keen Goodenough side holding the RSM pinned in their 22, but excellent fringe work from the likes of Dirty B, Huy, Big Steve and Joe ‘Albino’ Franklin meant Goodenough were going nowhere. Superb phase rugby allowed the RSM back line to begin perforating the Americans, Men in black: the RSM Rugby Club giving fearless vice-captain Alex O’Rourke the opportu- ‘Infinite Justice’, but once was caught on the try line by Flurries of breaks from boys in black. take the miners to ultimate nity to miss pass to himself again the forwards showed the adhesive hands of Allan. Enrico Ferri (fresh from LA) Five minutes to go, and the victory. over winger Kim Grogan and what they were made of and This opened the flood gates and Tim ‘the prowler’ Praill, blood-soaked Goodenough The RSM is looking like a score the first points. tactical turnovers came from and Segun Lawson turned in combination with efforts team were so fatigued that freight train going at 200mph, RSM came under heavy the combined efforts of Josh on the pace to break through from the most heroic back Allan and O’Rourke were unlikely to be derailed by any fire soon afterwards with the Wright and Barry Stoffell. This their tackles like a German row in the continent, Steven both able to run in their sec- Cambourne roadblock come yanks using intrepid moves led to another score when fly tank through a Russian village Hawking and Steff Nubert, ond tries, ploughing through the famous Bottle Match on such as ‘Iraqi Freedom’ and half Huy’s magnificent kick (game over for Goodenough!) meant lots of tries for the at least eight people each to 26 February.

Quick Crossword byby FFishfaceishface

1 2 3 5 4 5 6 Across Down 1. Slaughterhouse (8) 1. Once more (5) 7 4. Crustacean (4) 2. Red fruit (6) 7. Group of people gathered together (8) 3. Drawings (13) 7 8 9 9. New Zealander (inf.) (4) 5. Destroy (4) 10. Favouritism given to relatives (8) 6. Court officer who takes away 12. Intelligent but socially inept individual possessions (7) Send your answers to 10 (4) 8. Light evening meal (6) 13. Attempt (3) 11. Kindness or affection (6) [email protected] or bring this page to the Felix office in 14 11 14. Part of leg (4) 12. Upper section of theatre (7) 16. Long narrow flag or banner (8) 15. Large cup (6) the West Wing of Beit Quad 12 13 14 19. Snakelike fishes (4) 17. Abbreviation for a copy or duplicate (5) 20. Establishment selling literary works (8) 18. At a low speed (4) Issue 1314 solution 17 15 21. Open mouth wide (4) T R B S O R S O T C O A E 22. Strong coffee (8) M A R T I A L A M O U L D 16 16 17 E D T E A T A M E T L C T D I S P R O P O R T I O N 18 O O D P A L I L E A V H S C S E I T U N O E G I O H W I N N E R T A K E A L L 19 24 20 E M O G E A H I N C U B O Y I N S E R E C O H S F T S T A T E O F T H E A R T L A T O N O A T A E G I A 21 22 Special thanks to Edward Hall and John Sargent (both Materials I) for getting the last two S T O N E G C L A S S E S Quick Crosswords right and making the effort to bring their solutions to us! B E R E I N E H E E A D D