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Live Music & Entertainment Venue Finder Today I will delve into an issue that is under- be freakin’ kidding me. Get rid of those awful mining the fabric of our society: An ugly truth white ones. What flavor is that supposed to be, to which Americans are turning a blind eye anyway? Are you kidding? Is that Piña Colada? amidst this cultural turmoil we’re in. It’s not Get your own Life Savers, South America. This easy. It’s not fun. But it has to be uncovered. is North America. We have five flavors: Lem- on, lime, cherry, grape and orange. And that’s GENOCIDE! all we need. If you want to get fancy, make a second kind of Life Savers. Oh wait, you did! Yes, there is a old and storied friend that is Tropical! But that whole other pack of flavors slowly being wiped from the earth and we’re couldn’t find room for greenapplewaterki- letting it happen. Chances are, you see it ev- wimelon? I quit! eryday and don’t even realize it is taking place. America is killing lime. You heard me: Flavor My toilet bowl cleaner still has a crisp lime genocide! Lime has been given the deep six, scent. Really? You had to so degrade the poor written off, let loose from the mortal coil. flavor that the only place it still has value is in my toilet? I’m a lime lover. Not lemon-lime, mind you. That’s good too, but it is not the same thing. Now, you are probably thinking, “What about Do not confuse the two. Sprite, Sierra-Mist, Key Lime Pie?” Key lime pie is the is the secret you are spared this awful fate. This is a targeted weapon of the infidel. You see, what they are attack on one helpless little green fruit (or arti- doing is diverting all lime attention to the pie. ficial fruit flavoring). At first I thought it was an Anytime anyone like me says something, the unfortunate oversight or a confined outbreak. marketing machine of the Fourth Reich swings But, no, this is an epidemic. The first time it into action with its counter-spin campaign, broke my heart, my friend Paul Connor was touting the splendors of key lime pie. You see, serving his fabulous Hawaiian Shaved Ice at then when all other forms of lime have been the Fireworks and I stood in a very long, hot safely abolished from society, these heathens line after volunteering to park cars with Jay- who have cornered the market on key lime cees for hours to get my lime snow cone. No pie like Mortimer and Randolph Duke tried to lime on the flavor board. Must be an oversight; do with the frozen concentrated orange juice I’m sure there’s some under the counter some- market in the fabulous and apparently edu- where. No. No, there is not. Sorry, pal, looks cational Eddie Murphy movie Trading Places, like black cherry or blue raspberry for you. I they will pull the plug on the pie, and dance guess the Fourth of July and the Red, White on the grave of my friend, the lime. and Blue just have no love for green. That can’t be. People would run over their own mothers My only hope is that good, wholesome peo- in this country for money. It can’t be the color. ple will continue the fight out the fringes of What is it? society. Maybe Jones Soda will keep making lime soda, even if it is at twice the price of Then they murdered my Sprees. You know, the regular soda. Maybe Paul Connor will read little tart hard candies with the shiny colored this and keep a special tiny pumper bottle of fruit-flavored coating. Yeah, the green ones. lime flavoring under the counter of the snow Not lime anymore. Like so many good hard- cone stand just for me. (I suggest a lock box. It working limes, it has been replaced with the worked for Al Gore.) Maybe the beer industry scourge of the artificial fruit flavored phylum, putting lime into their brews is not just a flavor green apple. Oh, damn you, green apple, I additive, but a volley against the agents of li- shake my fist at the sky and yell your name like micide in the battle against annihilation. If so, you were Ricardo Montalban in Star Trek II. I salute you Bud Light Lime! Next up, SweetTarts. Bye bye, lime love, hel- Maybe I need to start stockpiling for the future. lo ... what’s this? Watermelon? Watermelon I’ll be like Mel Gibson crossing the vast des- isn’t green. That’s not just a travesty, that’s just ert on my quest for the last lime in the land. plain wrong. You don’t eat the rind of a wa- I’ll find a commune of lime lovers entrenched termelon. You eat the fleshy red innards. They in fort where there is a lime tree in the court- are decidedly not pink. Replace strawberry or yard and the whole place is surrounded by something. You can’t be green. I’d say at least mohawk-sporting heathens in their green ap- you could have been kiwi. But that poor fruit ple-powered desert vehicles. And in the end, I always gets screwed over by being mixed with will offer to drive the tanker full of lime juice strawberry every time, too. So I know he’s not out of the compound as we plan our escape to going to be taking over the green candy world the Promised Land by the sea. And when the any time soon. tanker crashes and I’m left for dead while the rest of the commune slipped out the back way The last straw might have to be Life Savers. LIFE after the heathens followed my decoy, they SAVERS! The same little wonderful candies for will soon discover that it is not, in fact, full of the last 987 years. And they have crucified lime juice, but rather oil-based artificial nacho The 365ink crew... faces you already know! lime in favor of green apple. You have got to cheese sauce. Tim Mike Tanya Jeff Kelli Ralph Gary Matt Lisa Chris Pam Joey Angela Ron Bob Roy Brad Bryce Issue #73 ___________________________The Inkwell JANUARY 8 - 21 Publisher: Bryce Parks ([email protected]) In this Issue: Editor: Tim Brechlin IceFest 2009: ([email protected]) Got Fun Down Cold! 4 Advertising: Kelli Kerrigan ([email protected]) Community Shorts 5 563-451-9365 Iowa Winter Games Clarke Opera Scenes Cover Photography by: Centering Prayer Laurent Dick Harlem Globetrotters Bowling for Hospice Writers & Content: Thunderbirds Hockey Mike Ironside ([email protected]) 365 Pop Quiz 6 Tim Brechlin, Bryce Parks, L.A. Mindframe TV Premieres 6 Hammer, Chris Wand, Mayor Roy Buol, Matt Booth, Robert Paint-a-Pair for Charity 6 Gelms, Angela Koppes, Pam Kress-Dunn, Jeff Stiles, 180 Main Live Music 7 Megan Dalsing and Pat Fisher. Dubuque Symphony Orchestra Gala 8 Designers: Tanya Tjarks 180 Main Music Continued 9 ([email protected]) Winter Farmers’ Market 10 Bryce, Tim & Mike Photography: Pam Kress-Dunn 11 Mike Ironside, Ron Tigges, Wando’s Movies 12 Bryce Parks The Impact Awards 13 Layout: Tim Brechlin, Bryce Parks Mindframe Movie Listings 13 Director of Operations: OTLAG Art Opening 14 Dan Chapman New show for Fly-By-Night 14 Community, Incorporated Brad Parks, C.E.O. KAT-FM/Cheryl-Ann Bridal Show 15 Special thank you to: Special Olympics Iowa Games 15 Brad Parks, Bob & Fran Parks, Christy Monk, Katy Brechlin, Ralph Kluseman, Budweiser Live Music 16 Kay Kluseman, Jon Schmitz, Oliver Kane, Patty Reisen-Ottavi, Todd Locher, Everett Isabella’s Live Music 18 Buckardt, Julie Steffen, Sheila Castaneda, Gaile Schwickrath, Ron & Jennifer Tigges, Silver Dollar Live Music 19 bacon, the crew of Radio Dubuque and all the 365 friends and advertisers for all Mayor Roy Buol 20 your support. You are all 365. Bald Eagle Watch Event 20 Dubuque365 / 365ink 210 West 1st Street, Comedy Sportz @ Bell Tower 21 Dubuque, IA, 52001 Midwest Concerts 21 dubuque365.com (563) 588-4365 Tri-State Recurring Nightlife 21 All contents (c) 2008, Community, Bob’s Book Reviews 22 Incorporated. All rights reserved. –––––––––––––––––––––––––––––– Mattitude 23 LifeStiles 24 Like our stuff? We can make yours too! Eating Healthy w/ Hy-Vee 25 Crosswords & Puzzles 27 Trixie Kitsch 28 Dr. Skrap’s Horoscopes 28 365 • Web Site Development • • Graphic Design • Puzzle / Pop Quiz Answers 28 • Photography • • Video Production • IceFest Continued 29 • Marketing / Consulting • Tri-State Comedy / Funnies 30 ............................. Winter Farmers’ Market Continued 31 [email protected] 563.588.4365 TRY SLEDDING DOWN WEST THIRD TO GET TO THE PORT. DO IT FOR SCIENCE! 4 JANUARY 8 - 21 Ah, winter. Some curse it, some love it, as showcased by professional sculptors sailing expedition from about 110 years Henkels notes that, in setting out to sail some are indifferent to it and just strap (did you know there’s actually an Interna- ago,” Henkels says. “They left Begium to the Arctic, the explorers had all of the chains on their tires and go along for tional Snow Sculpture Championship?), sail the Antarctic, and due to bad weath- original photographs from the original the ride. While the winter season and its winter games and Ice Lane arctic bowl- er and everything that goes on up there, Belgica expedition. weather can serve as a constant reminder ing (during which you do not, in fact, they wound up being the first expedition of what we’re not doing because it’s so score pins by tossing a bowling ball so to spend the winter stuck in the Arctic “A lot of the expedition was about repli- darned cold outside, it’s important to not hard that you fracture the ice).
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