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N o. 7 6 THE MAGAZINE J U N 1 9
TRAVEL LIVING FOOD & BOOZE One man’s quest to cure a fear of Why your next home improvement Line of Duty star flying, from Xanax to hypnotherapy project should be a lawn on your roof Martin Compston takes a trip down memory lane as he TYCOONS AND THEIR TOYS imagines his What it’s like to party hard on a £33m sports yacht with its own jet pack perfect last meal
BRET EASTON ELLIS: OOPS I SAID IT AGAIN The author who can’t stop offending millennials talks Trump, ‘corporate wokeness’ and tweeting drunk 002-003 DPS 23 May 2019_Layout 1 30/05/2019 13:30 Page 1
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LONDON Wempe, New Bond Street Watches of Switzerland, Oxford Street Watches of Switzerland, Knightsbridge Watches of Switzerland, Regent Street Harrods, Heathrow Airport, Terminal 2 MANCHESTER Ernest Jones, St Ann Street YORK Berry’s, Stonegate EDINBURGH Chisholm Hunter, Princes Street GLASGOW Chisholm Hunter, Argyll Arcade 002-003 DPS 23 May 2019_Layout 1 30/05/2019 13:31 Page 2
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This award- winner has the critics gripped.
Model shown is a Fiesta ST-3 3-Door 1.5 200PS Manual Petrol with optional Full LED Headlamps. Fuel economy mpg (l/100km): Combined 40.4 (7.0). *CO2 emissions 136g/km.
Figures shown are for comparability purposes; they only compare fuel consumption and CO2 figures with other cars tested to the same technical procedures. These figures may not reflect real life driving results, which will depend upon a number of factors including the accessories fitted (post-registration), variations in weather, driving styles and vehicle load. *There is a new test used for fuel consumption and CO2 figures. The CO2 figures shown, however, are based on the outgoing test cycle and will be used to calculate vehicle tax on first registration. 004-005 DPS 23 May 2019_Layout 1 30/05/2019 17:47 Page 2
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Elegance is an attitude
Kate Winslet
La Grande Classique de Longines www.longines.co.uk 007 Contents 23 May 2019_Layout 2 30/05/2019 16:12 Page 1
E D I TO R ’ S I n S I D E LETTER T H I S I S S u E
s the dust settles on the collapse of the Jamie Oliver empire, the only people getting much sympathy are the staff and the suppliers Awho’ve been left out of pocket. The business model involved rolling out the same low-margin, high-turnover, sub-Pizza Express formula in as many locations as possible, desperately hoping that we, the idiot public, would 22. be so dazzled by the face of a celebrity that we’d lap up whatever Above: Line of Duty star Martin Compston; Below: The beauty of Costa Rica; The best new places to eat was placed in front of us. Jamie’s Italian in Cardiff remains the worst restaurant in which I’ve eaten, FEATURES REGULARS somewhere so lacking in love and attention that social services should 34: THE SPIRIT OF BARBADOS 20: BUSINESS LUNCH have been called many years ago. We fly to the home of Mount Gay The best places to eat in and around It goes without saying, of course, rum to discover the secrets the City, from Bao’s steamed buns that the food business is tough – you’d behind this golden elixir to Brigadiers’ fine Indian cuisine be better off investing your money in virtually any other industry if you want 42: BRET EASTON ELLIS 22: LAST SUPPER America’s most hated author on Line of Duty star Martin Compston to see a return (any industry apart from Trump, the state of the world and why tells us what he’d eat for his final journalism, that is). To run a successful he’s beyond caring about criticism meal on earth, including a juicy steak restaurant you need an impossible, alchemical combination of passion 54: DIVE TIME 24: CHEF’S TABLE and luck and business acumen and Retro is back and that means a host Aggi Sverrisson invites his mentor more luck. It needs obsessive of sumptuous throwbacks to the Raymond Blanc for tea at his Mayfair attention to detail and a mastery of glory days of diving watches restaurant Texture everything from interior design to supply chain management. 66: FEAR OF FLYING 69: FREQUENT FLYER It affects as many as seven per cent of Sick of being a shuffling zombie? A The new Bob Bob Cité in the us – our reporter sets out to cure his cure for jetlag may be afoot – so Cheesegrater has all of this and more, extreme aviophobia once and for all long as you’re not scared of needles as you can read in my review on P31. Indeed, members of our new City A.M. 92: LONDON’S LOST RIVERS 88: OFFICE SPACE Club need never want for a top-quality Deep beneath the ground are hidden We visit Liverpool Street’s chic new meal again. For a membership fee of networks of water known to only a co-working space to sample the just £240 a year, you’ll receive handful of people – until now relaxation pods and curated scents exclusive offers at dozens of restaurants in the City and beyond, including those owned by our very own columnist Mark Hix, who this issue talks about how vegans make chefs better (P28). You can also receive a host of discounts at Vivek Singh’s Cinnamon Collection, whose new Spitalfields ‘tropical terrace’ is reviewed on P20. There’s never been a better time to eat in the City – and there’s nowhere better to read about it than right here. 70. 20. – STEVE DINNEEN
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WandS City AM Magazine March28 indd 1 008-009 DPS 23 May 2019_Layout 1 30/05/2019 16:14 Page 2
THE PERFECT DESTINATION FOR TOWN & COUNTRY LIVING
21/03/2019 10:59 010 CONTRIBUTERS 23 MAY 2019_Layout 1 30/05/2019 16:11 Page 1
CONTRIBUTORS
ADAM HAY-NICHOLLS is one of the MARK HIX is City A.M. The Magazine’s SCARLET WINTERBERG is City A.M. country’s leading motoring journalists, regular food columnist and author of The Magazine’s luxury travel cruising around the world’s most new book Hooked: Adventures in columnist. Each issue, she shares glamorous cities in cars most people Angling & Eating. His restaurants insider tips and frequent flyer only see in Park Lane showrooms. This include HIX Soho, Tramshed and Hixter information to help you get the best issue he straps into the tank-like Bankside. He talks about why he loves from your work trips. This month she Mercedes G-Wagen – P50 vegans on P24. tries to find a cure for jet lag on P69.
RAYMOND BLANC is one of the MARTIN COMPSTON has gone SIMON THOMSON is City A.M. The world’s top chefs, having tutored more from teen acting sensation in Ken Magazine’s booze expert, specialising Michelin star chefs than any other man Loach’s Sweet Sixteen to prime- in dark spirits. He also writes film and alive. He pops in for lunch with his time staple, with his latest show theatre reviews for City A.M. This issue protégé and friend Aggi Sverrisson at Line of Duty gaining critical and he visits Barbados to drink rum (P34) the Icelandic chef’s Marylebone popular plaudits. He tells us what and writes about how Cognac has restaurant Texture – P24. he’d eat for his last supper on P22. moved with the times (P40).
EDITORIAL TEAM: Steve Dinneen Editor-in-Chief Billy Breton Creative Director Steve Hogarty Travel Editor Alex Doak Watch Editor Adam Hay-Nicholls Motoring Editor Greg Sigston Picture Editor Michael Hardaker Deputy Creative Director Tom Matuszewski Illustrator COMMERCIAL TEAM: Lawson Muncaster Managing Director Harry Owen Chief Operating Officer Jeremy Slattery Commercial Director Nzima Ndangana Sales Manager Miriam Keck Head of Digital Gianni Cavalli Distribution Director For editorial enquiries contact [email protected]; For sales contact [email protected]; For distribution contact [email protected] Published by City A.M., 3rd Floor, Fountain House, 130 Fenchurch Street, London, EC3M 5DJ Tel: 020 3201 8900 © City A.M.
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THE PRE-OWNED WATCH SPECIALIST
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BUY | SELL | UPGRADE WATCHFINDER.CO.UK 014-018 First impressions 23 May 2019_Layout 2 30/05/2019 16:06 Page 3
Stories from the world of arts, FIRST technology, design and IMPRESSIONS luxury goods
To tie or not to tie – this is increasingly the question in offices across the City; model wears McCann Bespoke tailoring
to Lloyd’s dress code which is business attire – suits or smart jackets, trousers and ties for men; smart business style for women.” In March of 2019, Goldman Sachs issued a business casual dress code, believing “this is the right time to move to a firm-wide flexible dress code” due to the “changing nature of workplaces generally in favour of a more casual environment.” But where has this come from? “Essentially, it’s a tech-driven Silicon Valley thing,” says Neil McCann, founder of McCann Bespoke Tailoring, which has a presence on Shaftesbury Avenue and Lime Street in the City of London. He says business casual is now 25 to 35 per cent of his business and growing due to current trends. His tailors now offer everything from bespoke jeans to customised trainers. “The idea is that it makes people feel more relaxed at work, and they can express their identity.” With many law firms and banks competing for the same graduates, a seemingly casual atmosphere can make the difference between enticing a top candidate and missing out to a bitter rival. Sometimes, it isn’t even the millennials driving dress code changes; it’s the top brass. David Soloman, the chief executive of Goldman Sachs who took over in October last year, enjoys yoga and EDM, moonlighting as a DJ called D-Sol in the evenings. He instituted a firm-wide ‘flexible dress code’ in March 2019. Indeed, technology staff at Goldman Sachs had practised ‘flexible’ dressing long before its core staff and, like most firms, the trend spread firm-wide. All of this is great news, right? Well, perhaps not... In our smart-phone blighted times, when emails are only a thumb DARE YOU DRESS thump away, casual dressing means work bleeds even more seamlessly into our leisure time. “I remember when my dad DOWN FOR WORK? came home from work, he’d take his suit off and that was the end of the working day,” says McCann. “Now people dress down, Dress codes are tumbling, firm JP Morgan was one of the first to decree that barrier has been eroded.” that business casual would be extended Thankfully, the dress-down revolution but what does casual firmwide to “reflect the way the company is comes with a serving of common sense. “If changing.” you’re seeing a client, you should dress for workwear really say about This new way of doing business allows for that client,” says JP Morgan’s memo. you, asks MELISSA YORK polo shirts, ‘casual pants’, capris and ‘dress Employees should also exercise caution sandals’ (whatever they are) to be worn to when following the latest fashions, says t was once a truth universally the office. Lloyds followed – ahem – suit in McCann: “A 25-year-old broker might acknowledged that if you worked May 2018, allowing men in its Underwriting embrace the short-and-skinny trousered look in law, banking or government, Room to go without a tie, possibly because of with tight jackets, which can look great. you would wear a suit to the the impossibly warm summer that followed But is it good for business? People don’t office. But dress codes have (though it banned drinking at lunchtime for operate in a vacuum and there will be started to seriously loosen up. employees the year before. Clearly Lloyd’s others – both inside the company and out – While 10 years ago people giveth and Lloyd’s taketh away). Previously, a who are subconsciously judging them.” Iquestioned whether it was acceptible to wear memo in 2005 had stated that “During Best to hedge your bets and invest in a brown shoes to work, today the question is business hours, 9.30-17.00: everyone skinny suit for the evenings and a business whether you need to wear shoes at all. Law admitted to the Room is required to adhere suit – with or without tie – for the day job.
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BY APPOINTMENT TO HRH THE PRINCE OF WALES MANUFACTURER AND SUPPLIER OF FOOTWEAR CROCKETT & JONES LIMITED, NORTHAMPTON
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MADE IN NORTHAMPTON, ENGLAND | SINCE 1879 014-018 First impressions 23 May 2019_Layout 2 30/05/2019 16:09 Page 6
FIRST IMPRESSIONS
Clockwise from main: The Stranger Things logo, which comes in a retro serif font; Tyler, The Creator’s album Goblin, which is in Cooper Black; The character sheet for Windsor, the font used by filmmaker Woody Allen HOW SERIF FONTS GOT COOL Unloved for decades, 70s-style typography is back in vogue, says DOUGIE GERRARD
f you’ve watched Stranger Things serifs, began finding its way into TV shows at Microsoft EMEA and an influential or perused the side of a Chobani title cards (Louie), best-selling albums (Tyler, typography blogger, connects this new yoghurt pot, you may have The Creator’s Goblin), and onto the high typographic movement to an older trend. noticed something unusual. The street (Topshop released a series of T-shirts “We’ve seen a massive trend towards fonts are friendly and expressive, using it). But the nostalgia-wave is now fully handwritten or hand printed fonts,” he tells a far cry from the austere underway: companies using 70s-style fonts me. “The backlash against sans-serifs has letterform that’s dominated the include French fashion retailer Kooples, definitely been happening for a while.” Itypography scene in recent years. This is, in makeup company Glossier, and marketing So is it over for minimalism? Will every part, because they’re “serif”, referring to the website Mailchimp. While they don’t use the hipster coffee shop and new startup soon be small lines that extend at the end of letters; same exact font, there are significant using friendly typefaces with fat serifs? those flicks and flourishes that imply the commonalities: fuller serifs, more Probably not, according to Clarke. “The letters have been drawn by hand. extravagant colouring, and funky, curvy pendulum might currently be swinging The dominance of fonts that are sans-serif typefaces. Probably the most famous towards a more robust style, but you can – without serifs, obviously – over the past example is the EasyJet logo, though the expect it to swing back in the other decade has led to a lettering style company may have damaged the cause of the direction eventually,” he says. “Fonts are characterised by an obsessive minimalism, chunky typeface by identifying it with simply a tone of voice, a manner of speaking often paired with a monochrome aesthetic, cramped, uncomfortable flights. to people, which means there will always be geometric neatness, and occasionally “We have definitely seen a recent room for a wide variety of styles. A sans-serif excessive use of the lower-case. This resurgence of retro, 70s fonts, such as says what you want to say quietly; a minimalist hegemony has been especially Cooper Black and Windsor, which Woody chunkier, 3D font says it loudly”. He cites noticeable in the start-up scene, with just Allen uses in his films,” says Edd Harrington, the popular recent revamping of Helvetica about every new company writing their copy a partner at the Colophon Foundry, an (newly renamed Helvetica Now), a sparse and designing their website in sans-serif. But award-winning typeface company. “These are sans-serif and among the world’s most while many still cleave to this style, the typefaces that for a long time were cast widely-used fonts, as evidence of the influence of another, older typographic style aside, so it used to be a bold move for larger regularity of the font world. is beginning to once again make itself felt. brands to use them. But we’ve seen a buck in “I think it’s similar to the fashion world,” The first shoots of the 1970s revival could type trends recently, which has pushed Clarke says. “When enough people adopt a be seen as far back as the early 2010s, when designers to want warmer typography.” style, others begin to want it… Who knows Cooper Black, a glossy script with stocky Jamie Clarke, formerly the head of design why these things happen?”
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FIRST IMPRESSIONS
Robot helpers may have convincing hardware, but software is currently holding them back, according to experts RISE OF THE ROBOT BUTLERS A long-time sci-fi fantasy, are machines ready do our laundry, asks DOUGIE GERRARD
f, like me, you got entirely the housework. “Things are improving, but robots to automation, it’s hard to shake the sense of wrong message from I, Robot, you can only complete a very limited set of tasks,” inevitability, the feeling that any issues are will have long dreamt of having a says Peter McOwan, a Computer Science just teething problems, and will be – ahem – robot butler. As yet, however, professor at Queen Mary University. “They ironed out eventually. technology has largely limited us require total knowledge of the area they are So is manual remote control the future of to disembodied forms of robotic working in, and having one machine do lots robotics? According to Ingmar Posner, a service, like Amazon’s Alexa and of things is still really challenging.” colleague of Hawes’ at the Oxford Institute of Apple’sI Siri. Such platforms only offer Nick Hawes, an associate professor at the Robotics, the answer is a resounding no. “For virtual assistance, so while they might direct Oxford Robotics Institute, is also sceptical. one thing, there will be considerable privacy you to the relevant WikiHow, they can’t “Mira’s idea is interesting, but the software issues,” he says. “Concerns we’ve already seen actually iron your clothes. But if Japanese required for this kind of robot lags miles raised with virtual assistants will be amplified robotics startup Mira gets its way, this may behind the hardware,” he says. “A 2020 – would you allow a human you haven’t met all be about to change. Earlier this year, Mira release date is wildly ambitious... far too and can’t see into your home?” unveiled Ugo, a telegenic robot butler they soon for a robot to accomplish the Posner is also unconvinced by the implied claim will revolutionise the way we do complexity of the tasks required.” logistics of a manual system. “Having masses housework. Ugo is not yet available to buy – Watching Mira’s demo video bears this of robots operated remotely just wouldn’t it will be beta-tested this summer, and (all out. Ugo moves at a geriatric pace, and its scale,” he tells me. “But what remote manual being well) will go on sale in 2020. ungainly handling means that while it control can absolutely do is provide the The primary difference between Mira’s might be capable of hanging up laundry, it training data to teach the next generation of creation and the robot butler of your dreams would find opening a carton of orange juice robots to be more autonomous in is that Ugo will not operate autonomously, prohibitively difficult. performing these tasks.” Hawes echoes this, instead being manually controlled by a However, while Ugo might turn out to be a arguing that a remote approach is merely a human in a remote location. While this dud, it’s unlikely that this is the last we will staging post on the road to achieving full might seem to introduce a needlessly clunky hear of remote operation, given that it’s autonomy. “The advantage of this approach chain-of-command, Mira’s hope is that already a staple of robotics. Bomb disposal is that the data it collects will help further remote operation will neatly avoid what is machines, for instance, have long been develop autonomous software,” he says. “And currently the central problem of autonomous operated manually, and automated delivery increasing stores of data will enable humans robotics; namely, the inability of robots to robots are increasingly piloted by human to have progressively less and less perform irregular tasks, like those involved in handlers. Plus, as with most matters relating involvement in the process.”
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FOOD&BOOZE
BRIGADIERS, BLOOMBERG ARCADE
WHAT IS IT? Brigadiers is an Indian BUSINESS barbecue place built in the style of an army mess bar, which means a pub- esque layout, with TVs on the walls and a circular bar in the middle of the restaurant. Not that it’s a thoughtless LUNCH free-for-all; everywhere you look there are hints of luxury, from the elegant light- The best places to eat in and around fittings to the beautifully engraved the City of London, from hip new crockery. But be careful; the portions are sizeable, and there’s a danger of openings to long-established staples returning to the office drunk on food.
WHO WILL IT IMPRESS? Those looking to pair delicious food and City luxury with an unpretentious atmosphere. Also, those who prefer to entrust their food choices to their waiters; the staff here are all knowledgeable and opinionated. Finally, busy city workers, as they’ve just started to offer “boardroom banquets,” allowing offices in the area to order and collect for meetings or team lunches.
WHAT ABOUT THE FOOD? Delicious, from first bite to last. The kebabs are probably the high point, with every cutlet grilled to a perfect sizzle (the vegetarian kebabs are also well worth checking out – the grilled paneer was a personal highlight). The small plates are ace: Masala guinea fowl patties; smoked aubergine missi rotis; and chilli chinese lettuce cups. The a la carte menu is dauntingly large, which is understandable given Brigadiers prides itself on serving food from across India.
The reception at Brigadiers, which is designed in the style of an army mess bar
DESSERT? Oh, absolutely. The banana and yoghurt kulfi with fennel seed butterscotch is an ingenious take on banoffee pie, and the mango kheer kulfi includes a deliciously quirky rice pudding. Coconut and wood roasted pineapple is also on the menu – there are no wrong choices here.
SET MENU? Yes, two: a £25 lunch menu, for which you get three courses, and a £60 feast, which includes a bit of everything but is only for a hardcore few.
PHONE: 020 3319 8140 WHERE: Bloomberg Arcade, EC4N 8AR WEB: brigadierslondon.com
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CINNAMON KITCHEN, BAO, JUNO ROOMS, DEVONSHIRE SQUARE BOROUGH MARKET WATLING STREET
WHAT IS IT? Part of Vivek Singh’s WHAT IS IT? BAO is one of the great WHAT IS IT? A relaxed dining room and superlative Cinnamon Collection of restaurant success stories of the last few bar on Watling Street, near St. Paul’s, Juno Indian restaurants, this one located under years, working its way up from a market Rooms serves a broad menu of seasonal the covered courtyard of Spitalfields’ stall in a car park to a thriving chain with dishes, from house favourites like slow Devonshire Square. The restaurant has three branches, including a new one in braised lamb ragu, crab linguine, and just overhauled its outdoor “tropical” Borough Market. As the name suggests, beer battered haddock, to burgers and terrace, which now comes with day-beds it’s a steamed bun specialist, although it chips, and trendy, California-style, food- for louche lounging with Indian-inspired also has a bunch of other Taiwanese as-medicine nourishment bowls. The cocktails, palm trees, and vivid textiles to dishes that are perfect for a quick lunch. vibe here owes some credit to The Ivy, brighten up your afternoon. The Borough branch has completely with botanical upholstery throughout, refurbished the space, creating a bright, bright teal tiling along the bar, plenty of WHO WILL IT IMPRESS? Everyone likes canteen atmosphere that feels straight foliage and a banana leaf pattern feature Cinnamon Kitchen, with its modern spin out of Taipei. wall. The star attraction is an impressive on pan-Indian dishes. The spacious cherry blossom by the entrance, frozen in tables inside would be ideal for a lunch WHO WILL IT IMPRESS? People who permanent bloom, the branches of which meeting, or the terrace would suit some prefer informal dining. It has excellent, phase through the front window and snacky fare that encourages you to get outside, creeping along the facade of the stuck in with your fingers, and hits the restaurant like a flowery pink snake. It sweet-spot between being a draw for certainly makes the place easy to find. foodies and accessible to anyone. But be aware that it’s not the kind of place you’d WHO WILL IT IMPRESS? Fans of indoor want to sit for three hours (the stools are trees, and the after work, just off deadline murder on the back). cocktail crowd. Resident mixologist Chris Edwards serves an array of classics WHAT ABOUT THE FOOD? Predictably alongside a set of signature drinks – the great. There are five new dishes on the rum-based Tiki Mo Fo is a particular menu, including our favourite, the prawn shia song bao, a fried bun filled with prawn, carrot, celery and mayo. There’s a chicken nugget bao that our waiter described as looking a bit like a McDonalds but not tasting like one, which is fair. It features a puck of fried chicken The all-new terrace at Cinnamon Kitchen, slathered in hot sauce and Sichuan mayo. which is perfect for a summer afternoon Crispy glazed tofu with sweet, tangy pickle is another winner. more relaxed scheming – after all, some of the biggest financial and political deals DESSERT? Not unless you include the of recent years have been hashed out “dream drinks”, which are certainly sweet over Indian food. enough. They include coldbrew tea with
WHAT ABOUT THE FOOD? There’s quality across the menu, from the light and crispy pink onion bhaji and the The picturesque blossom tree decadent chicken tikka and cheese naan, in the dining room of Juno Rooms all the way through to an absurdly tasty chicken biryani (made with two-year aged novelty. It arrives in a frozen pineapple, basmati rice) and the giant grilled prawns, which is always good, clean fun. which have enough meat on them to rival a small lobster. It’s easy to lose yourself in WHAT ABOUT THE FOOD? You could the swirl of sides and small dishes; how happily explore the small plates part of can you not try the chicken liver and peas the menu all evening, which involves (one of the menu highlights)? And one firecracker cauliflower bites, breaded portion of lamb chop with smoky raita portobello mushroom fries, double fried won’t hurt, will it? All of a sudden you have chicken in sriracha, and beef cheek in enough food for a dozen people, and yet bric pastry. Venture into the mains and it all somehow gets eaten... you’ll find the stringy, sticky jackfruit burger is a decent vegan stand-in for its DESSERT? ... And then you find room for The basement karaoke bar at Bao, which pulled pork equivalent. The strozzapreti is some ginger toffee pudding with you can book for team bonding sessions a bright and decadent pasta dish, with cinnamon ice cream, and a malai kulfi with black cabbage and fried breadcumbs, honeycomb crumble. You’re not sure how brown sugar; grape soda with aloe vera roast squash and sage. The name literally you managed it – where did it all go? foam; and bubble tea. There are also means “priest-strangler” in Italian, with a alcoholic highballs made using the corkscrew shape designed to lodge in SET MENU? There’s an express lunch restaurant’s own whisky soda machine. the throats of men of the cloth, so be sure that will be on your table in under 15 to leave your collar at the door or at least minutes – £12 for a main and a side. The SET MENU? Again, no. It’s not that kind of chew your food thoroughly. regular lunch menu includes two courses place. It’s fun, quick and affordable, for £16 or three for £19. Or there’s the 10th perfect for a flying visit. If you really want SET MENU? No set menu here, but anniversary tasting menu, which will set to string things out, however, there’s a expect to pay around £30 a head for you back £70 per person. karaoke bar in the basement... lunch, not including drinks.
PHONE: 020 7626 5000 PHONE: 020 3319 8132 PHONE: 020 7846 9090 WHERE: 9 Devonshire Square, EC2M WHERE: 13 Stoney St, SE1 9AD WHERE: 67-69 Watling St, EC4M 9DD WEB: cinnamon-kitchen.com WEB: baolondon.com WEB: junorooms.com
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FOOD&BOOZE
THE LAST SUPPER Line of Duty star MARTIN COMPSTON tells us what he’d eat for his last dinner on earth, from a proper Scottish haggis to a steak shipped from Las Vegas
’m not a big cook. I was at a party a few fat bastard. If I’m left to my own devices I’ll be years ago and it got out that I’d never munching on chicken wings. There’s a place called cracked an egg, so the party became about Buffalo Wild Wings in America, and I could eat their me cracking my first egg. That was in my lemon pepper chicken wings all day. late 20s. But I’ve been living in hotels since I For my last supper I’m going to start with something was 17 so I just never picked it up, and my very Scottish, very underrated and very wife loves cooking so she does most of that misunderstood: haggis. It’s gourmet shit when it’s Iand I do the washing up. done properly. I went on a cooking course and the chef When I was growing up we always had a Chinese on made what he called “haggis bonbons” – basically deep Sunday nights. We’d even have one on Christmas day fried haggis with a whisky sauce – and they were instead of a turkey. We’d order everything on the gorgeous. We ended up having them as the starter for menu, stick the cartons on the floor and everyone our wedding a few months later. It’s a bit much as a would help themselves. It was great. There’s this main but as a starter you can’t beat it. Chinese curry sauce that’s pretty much exclusive to My next course is a bit predictable, but it’s got to be the West coast of Scotland, which, given how steak. My wife makes a beautiful steak that she unhealthy it probably is, can only be a good thing for marinates in teriyaki sauce overnight. But the best I’ve the rest of the world. But I love it. I have one every time ever had was a place called T-Bones Chophouse in Las I go home: beef curry and chips – it will be ordered Vegas. They served it with peppercorn sauce and before I even have to ask. mushrooms and it was to die for. So I’d get one of The deep fried Mars Bar doesn’t really exist. It’s a those shipped over. tourist trap and it’s worked wonders for the guy who Dessert is a bit trickier because I don’t have a big invented it, but no Glaswegian has ever actually had sweet tooth. My choice is more of a nostalgia thing one. I had an argument with a friend about it once – really – there’s a place called Largs on the West coast of he was mouthing off about the Scottish diet, and it Scotland. It’s where you’d go for a day out with your turned out he was off to eat bacon and egg ice cream family. The highlight of the trip would be Nardini’s at Heston Blumenthal’s restaurant that night. That’s cafe, right on the water, which does great ice cream. So class warfare right there! I’d get that with a bit of raspberry sauce. I’d wash it all When I was a kid I was out playing football five down with an Argentinian malbec, and after that I’d nights a week so I could eat whatever I wanted. I still have a Copper Dog whisky – that’s a good way to finish. do to be honest. I’m half way between Superman and a £ Martin Compston stars in Line of Duty, now on BBC iPlayer
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FOOD&BOOZE
CHEF’S TABLE AGGI SVERRISSON, chef patron of Michelin-starred Texture, invites his friend and mentor RAYMOND BLANC for lunch to discuss the changing face of the food business
THE MEAL to say. You can see your passion and authority and the Icelandic smørrebrød with salmon, instinctive way you touch food. prawns, pickled vegetables, dill Let me tell you a story about Picasso. He was putting on an exhibition and his paintings were all the same, a Isle of Skye scallops with coconut, simple profile made up of a single line repeated on 50 soup, kaffir lime leaves, lemongrass canvases. When the critics arrived, one of them said: ‘Forgive me, but are you taking the piss? It must have Icelandic Isey skyr with ice cream, taken you two minutes to paint that’. mandarin tacle, rye bread crumbs Picasso looked at him with disdain and said ‘Actually it took about 10 seconds but it took a lifetime AGGI SVERRISSON: I remember my first day to get that perfect line.’ And that’s what we do – working for you at Le Manoir as a sous chef. I was constant iteration and self-criticism. I know you have shitting myself! I thought you were terrifying. You that, too – you’re always curious, and without told me right away that the following day I’d be curiosity you’re a dead man. making you a vegetable dish, a meat dish and a fish dish. I didn’t sleep a wink. But then I said to myself AS: I took your philosophy and ran with it. I’m always ‘Just keep it simple’. looking for the simplest way to create my dishes.
RAYMOND BLANC: That’s the key. Simplicity. Just RB: You were one of the very first chefs to defy the make me an omelet, but make it a perfect omelet. Even trends of London. Everything in this restaurant back then I could see great things in you. reflects your values, your Icelandic roots. Even the crockery reflects the landscape. It’s all perfect. Apart AS: Before Le Manoir I thought I knew it all, that I from these curtains at the door, which look like was the dog’s bollocks, but my cooking was all about they’re from a French bordello. I can’t stand them. It’s how I dressed the plate. I didn’t even think about all nature and energy and power and then these... seasonality. You told me that it’s all about taste, taste, things! These monstrosities! taste. You opened my eyes to that. I worked with you for five years and I learned so much about treating AS: Okay, okay, I’m changing the curtains. ingredients with respect. I used to think that putting 10 or 15 ingredients on a plate was brilliant, but you RB: One of my proudest moments was when you came said ‘You don’t need this, or this or this. Have into my office and told me you wanted to open your confidence in your cooking’. own restaurant.
RB: My father was a poor working class man and he AS: I was so worried, I thought you’d be furious, but build a garden with his bare hands to feed his family. I your response was ‘Brilliant!’ You told me that you learned everything there. My mother knew everything would help me find investors and give me advice on about every carrot in that garden, exactly when how to start a new venture. You told me to take it everything was ready to be taken from the ground. slowly, and you were always there, from the initial When I met you knew immediately that you could business plan to the opening night. understand this philosophy, that you would feel this connection, which great chefs have. As a mentor, I RB: Developing young chefs is one of the most need to spot a student with something extraordinary important things. The industry has certainly
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Clockwise from above: Raymond Blanc (left) with his former protege Aggi Sverrisson, now chef patron at Texture; Isle of Skye scallops; tacle, a type of citrus fruit
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FEATUREFOOD&BOOZE
Clockwise from top: Icelandic smørrebrød with salmon and prawns; Raymond Blanc; Icelandic Isey skyr with ice cream; Pictures by Greg Sigston
changed since we worked together, though. completely normal. The problem is there’s so much shit vegan food. It needs soul and love. AS: Brexit is a nightmare. RB: We need to eat much less beef. It RB: A disaster. Hospitality is the third I nearly died at my first produces so much methane, it takes so long biggest employer in this country. More than football match. I was sitting to come to maturity, it takes so much 3m people work in this industry. And 20-30 water... And water will become the most per cent of these people come from Europe, with the home fans at important commodity. We will see droughts or at least they did – they aren’t coming any Anfield but I cheered when in many cities. David Attenborough is my more. There is an exodus of people who no hero, and he’s right when he says that if we longer want to work here. They don’t feel the away team scored. One don’t change we will murder ourselves. welcome. People are saying ‘Go back to your guy was screaming that he Meat is one of the big things we can own country’. It’s so sad. Without these change. We need to change our diet, the way people, we are nothing. We’re an industry was going to blind me. we eat. Beef needs to be a treat. Chicken, that needs a lot of staff – you need a certain duck, even pork is better. We’re at the start amount of people in the kitchen, a certain mouth – if they’d realised I was a of a revolution. We’ve had 50 or 70 years of amount in the front of house... Frenchman I’d have been killed right there. bad eating, of agriculture that was based on Inside the stadium the atmosphere was intensive farming and processing and AS: The most important thing when you’re amazing. We were right at the top, and chemicals. Then we had years of bad running a restaurant isn’t your cooking, it’s around me were papas with their children, marketing and food became a cheap the people – how you treat them and speak which made me relax a bit. I didn’t really commodity. It created a major social to them. I used to think you had to scream follow English football back then so I was problems and cost billions of pounds at people, because that was the culture of supporting the French team. I had to through obesity and cardiovascular disease. kitchens. I was treated like that so I thought politely clap when Liverpool took the lead Now the consumer is emerging from these it was normal. But it’s not at all – if you with this total fluke of a goal from Keegan years of desolation, connecting the dots want to keep people working for you, you that was supposed to be a cross. In the between food and health. They care about need to treat them well. People don’t want second half, St Etienne equalised and I things like seasonality, which gives the food to be treated like shit anymore. And if you jumped up and cheered and suddenly six a better taste and smell and colour. All of treat people well, you get better work out of guys were charging at me, one screaming this plays back into the health of the food them. It’s like football – if you have that he was going to blind me. There were economy, helping farmers and distributors unhappy, stressed players, even the best parents with children screaming abuse at and sellers. team in the world will play badly. me. We ended up losing 3-1. AS: Yeah, you can see things starting to RB: Speaking of football, did I ever tell you AS: I wanted to talk to you about veganism. change, to get better. how I nearly died at my first match? It was It’s huge now, but it’s a way of cooking that way back in 1977 and I was opening my first I learned from you many years ago. You were RB: So what has it been like cooking for me business, Quat Saisons, and I was meeting ahead of the curve on that. in your own restaurant? my banker, who I knew liked football. So we invited a few important people to Anfield to RB: It’s here to stay. It’s a great thing – it AS: I’m used to it – you’re in here all the watch Liverpool play St Etienne in the makes us chefs be more creative, forces us to time! The first time you came to Texture it European Cup. Outside the stadium was like reconnect with our ingredients. was scary, but I know what you like. You’re a a warzone. I was frightened. The noise was complicated man but once you know you, I going up and up and up and up, and I could AS: I couldn’t agree more. Veganism is easy think you’re quite easy to please. see policemen on horses beating up a bunch for me as I don’t cook with cream or butter. of fans. We were all wearing suits and these Three years ago I did my first vegan tasting £ Aggi is chef patron and owner of Texture, 34 fans started yelling at us: “Hey you rich menu, which was unheard of at the time for Portman St, Marylebone (texture-restaurant.co.uk); bastards,” and we had to run into the a Michelin star restaurant. Now it’s seen as a Raymond’s secret garden restaurant Jardin Blanc stadium. Thank God I didn’t open my ‘trend’. But in a few years it will be will return to RHS Chelsea Flower Show this year.
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MY LIFE IN RESTAURANTS MARK HIX VEGGING OUT Veganism is so commonplace today that it shouldn’t pose a problem for any self-respecting chef
’m always fascinated, and slightly taken more, didn’t eat green vegetables or rice – the Full back, when people ask me what I do when English of food intolerances. I momentarily panicked, vegans come to eat in my restaurants. but after regaining my composure ran back into the Recent years have seen something of a kitchen and hastily whipped up a meal from mostly paradigm shift in attitudes to veganism, orange vegetables. The appetizer involved bread, so as but you’d be surprised at how often I’m a substitute I also made her some pancakes – luckily, asked some variant of this question. My in my kitchen we use Dove Farm flour, which is free of Iusual answer is just to shrug and say “I cook for them”. both gluten and wheat. It was a tough spot, but chefs I think people often don’t realise how easy it is to are used to being under pressure. make vegan food – we have hundreds of ingredients on Britain has adapted pretty well to the vegan boom, the menu, and putting together a few h’ordeuvres and and the vegetarian one that preceded it. There are mains is simple when you’ve got a squad of chefs at certain other European countries, particularly Spain your disposal. and France, that seem to struggle with the idea a lot When I entertain vegans at home, I usually leave more: vegan friends who have holidayed there have meat and dairy off the menu entirely, as muddying told me that they’ve been met with looks of the waters can result in disaster – one little slip and bafflement when they try to explain their dietary you can end up violating someone’s moral code. And requirements, and I’ve even heard that cured pork is besides, after my guests have eaten beetroot carpaccio regarded as vegetarian in Spain. with pickled walnuts and horseradish, a wild herb However, some philosophies can present a tough fritto misto, and a crown squash and coconut curry, challenge for even the most enterprising chef. Jainism, they tend not to care that they’ve not had meat or fish. for instance, is an ancient Indian religion that has far Even if you’re sensitive to people’s culinary needs, more restrictive dietary requirements than veganism. however, tricky situations can sometimes arise. A Its adherents observe an extreme form of non-violence, couple of years ago I made a post-show dinner at my which requires them to avoid all food grown old restaurant The Pharmacy for the artist below the ground, so as to not harm any Gavin Turk. Gavin became a vegan some animals living in the soil. This means time ago, and as the dinner was being that not only are eggs, milk and held in his honour, I wanted to meat verboten, but garlic, ensure he could eat everything on potatoes and all root vegetables the menu. I was pretty nervous – I are off the table too. I’ve never was cooking something cooked for a Jain, but chefs unfamiliar for forty-five people; enjoy a challenge, so if there no small task – but my team any reading this, come down were very professional, and we to the Pharmacy 2. Just don’t knocked up what I thought was invite the lady I sat next to at a delicious meal. The trouble the Gavin Turk dinner – then began when we sat down to eat. I truly would be lost. Upon introducing myself to the £ Mark’s new book, Hooked: woman sitting next to me, I Adventures in Angling & Eating, discovered that she was allergic to is available for £20 from any Hix both wheat and gluten, and what’s Restaurant
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LONDON 71-72 JERMYN STREET | 4 DAVIES STREET | 23 BURY STREET | NEW YORK 50 EAST 57TH STREET
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FOOD&BOOZE
joyously sloppy dish made up entirely of textures that melt and ooze and squish. My guest had a wedge of smoked salmon the size of a doorstop, which sat triumphantly in a puddle of lemon jelly and green Clockwise from above: The mad “salle bleu” dining room at Bob Bob Cité; The booth gazpacho. dining, complete with “Presseur pour Champagne” button; The gigantic Beef Wellington If there’s a pie on a menu, I’ll order it every time, because it’s both simple and surprisingly easy to mess up. Chavot’s chicken ridiculously opulent, absurdly textured, and mushroom pie is exemplary: a golden ludicrously detailed. The walk from sliver of pastry so glazed you can see your face reception desk to dining room is like passing in it, covering a deep dish of morels in a REVIEW through a hall of mirrors into a giant pinball decadently fatty sweet wine velouté. It’s as machine. It’s hard to take in, like an optical good a pie as you’re likely to find, the words BOB BOB CITÉ illusion – one minute it’s a pastiche of a “Bob Bob Cité” branded onto the lid like a 1950s diner, the next the cabin of a private signature (matching the bespoke Wedgwood THE CHEESEGRATER, EC3V jet, then a latter-day Damian Hirst crockery, of course). Bonkers and fabulous, this installation. It gives you the feeling that if it I was hooked. I came back for lunch a were tipped on its side or upside-down, couple of days later, sitting among the same is the City’s new best place Inception-style, it would still look exactly the business crowd. I piled into snails in parsley same. In a nod to the City’s stock-trading butter, topped with little shards of bacon to eat, says STEVE DINNEEN heritage, the dining room is ringed by and potato foam; salty, smoky, very, very scrolling blue LED numbers, whose purpose garlicky. It’s a dish I’d like to be buried with here are many laudable becomes clear when you hit the rebranded like an Egyptian Pharaoh, so I can continue things about Soho’s Bob Bob “Presser pour Champagne” button: your to eat it in the next life. Then heritage Ricard: the fancy Titanic- table number turns red and a little man tomatoes with anchovies: brilliant in a way meets-Orient-Express appears clutching a bottle of fizz. that doesn’t require explanation. And to interiors, the no-nonsense As in Bob Bob Ricard, booths make up the round it all off, the famous lobster mac and Franco-Anglo-Russian menu majority of the seating, and every table has cheese, which is, if I recall correctly, a direct that turns a fish pie or a a plug for charging your phone. This makes port from Bob Bob Ricard, minus the lobster Tchicken kiev into a minor culinary event. But sense here, given this will be the restaurant tail erupting from the surface as if the poor the thing everybody remembers is the “Press of choice for the insurance brokers and creature had fallen into it from a great for Champagne” button on every table, a asset managers who populate the height. It’s pure comfort food, offensively gimmick that perfectly encapsulates the Cheesegrater’s less ostentatious floors, men indulgent, the crisped surface giving way to personality of the place; expensive, silly, and women who need to be constantly a molten, stringy, ungodly combination of unashamedly nouveau riche, possessed of a jacked into the matrix to survive. cheddar, gruyère, parmesan and mozzarella, fuck-you swagger. Frenchman Eric Chavot is once again in somehow packing in about a dozen lobsters’ A year and a half behind schedule and charge of the menu, which this time worth of meat. Like smoking a fag, I reckon £25m in the making, a second incarnation stresses the “Franco” in Franco-Anglo- each time you eat one it knocks 15 minutes called Bob Bob Cité, has opened on the 3rd Russian. I’m a big fan of Chavot. He once off your life. Worth it. floor of the City’s Cheesegrater building, told me I should ditch my Converse in It’s been a long time since the City was and it’s even madder than the first one. favour of a pair of Chelsea boots, and that I considered the poor-man of the London Russian restaurateur Leonid Shutov has should propose to my girlfriend; she likes to dining scene, but it has been lacking a been talking up the obsessive attention to remind me that I followed half of his advice destination restaurant that really makes detail: 800 bespoke light fittings, 24 and that the Chelsea boots look very nice. your jaw flap, the kind of place you can chandeliers, 12km of steel trim and 48,000 Given Bob Bob Cité is about as City A.M. as imagine a professional sportsman getting hand-polished ‘snake eye’ rivets which alone restaurants get, I was in for dinner on someone pregnant in the loos. Bob Bob Cité cost more than the entire budget of most opening night, when it had a slightly is that restaurant. It’s mad as a bag of restaurant makeovers. restricted menu but no obvious teething snake-eye rivets, and there’s nowhere in the When the lift doors open, there’s no problems. I had duck egg with gruyère and Square Mile I’d rather eat. mistaking where all the moolah went. It’s truffle foam slathered over salt beef hash, a £ To book, go to bobbobcite.com
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FOOD&BOOZE
Ingredients: £ 20ml Grey Goose £ 20ml Tia Maria £ 35ml espresso £ Hot milk (fill) Glassware: £ Latte Glass with saucer
HOW TO MIX: HOT FLAT WHITE RUSSIAN The cocktail so decadent it will leave you buzzing from at least three different stimulants. Words: MELISSA YORK; Pictures: GREG SIGSTON
hen it comes to things that boom of the last 10 years, to create a lovechild we feel are bad for you, the White is truly greater than the sum of its parts,” says Sam Russian has it all. It’s an Trevethyen, who joined Grind five years ago after unholy combination of training in Melbourne. The Hot White Flat Russian alcohol, sugar, caffeine and appeared on the original Shoreditch Grind menu in milk. The only legal 2011 and has remained ever since. stimulant it lacks is nicotine It layers Grey Goose vodka, coffee liqueur Tia Maria, W– but you could always vape and sip. and a double shot of espresso in a latte glass, then Described as ‘One of the best known cocktails of finishes it off with some steamed milk and latte art. the modern era’ by Difford’s Guide, it’s been around “The result is rich, caffeinated and creamy – we like to since the 1960s, but made a resurgence in the late 90s think The Dude would approve,” Trevethyen says. as the go-to beverage of The Dude in the cult classic The key to making your own version at home is to comedy The Big Lebowski (he drinks nine of them in invest in a high quality espresso machine that’s able to the film). steam the milk, and add a splash of cold milk after the Traditionally, it’s made with vodka, coffee liqueur Grey Goose and Tia Maria and before the espresso to and cream over ice, but Grind & Co, the 12-strong prevent everything curdling and bind it all together. group of cafe/bars dotted throughout London, has Coffee cocktails are a huge trend worldwide and a come up with its own novel take on the classic cocktail particular specialty at Grind, where Trevethyen trains called the Hot Flat White Russian. baristas and mixologists to make both coffee and “Our take combines the White Russian with the flat cocktails from 6am to midnight. white, one of the core drinks from the specialty coffee £ Visit grind.co.uk for all locations
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Mixologist Sam Trevethyen, head of beverage training and development at Grind & Co mixes a Hot Flat White Russian
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FOOD&BOOZE
A RUM DEAL SIMON THOMSON travels to Barbados to explore the Mount Gay distillery and drink fruity rum cocktails
t’s said that Barbados is a land of 1,600 Sober’s distillery business. Sir John was effectively the churches and 1,600 rum bars, and that the CEO, dedicated to increasing the profitability of rum, two go hand in hand. You see, four fifths of while the workforce – including such key figures as the women go to church, compared to only a master distiller and master blender – were slaves. fifth of men, so couples will set off together Although he was a slaveowner himself, Sir John on Sunday morning – the women to expressed opinions in the House of Assembly that were church, the men to the bar – then unpopular with the planter class, saying that slavery Iafterwards they go home together, united by the spirit. was “an unhappy sight which leaves an immense debt Rum also plays an important part in the way that the upon us to clear the obligation of human nature”. In as island is presented to tourists, who are invited to much as anyone can be “a good slaveowner”, Sir John lounge on its white sand beaches, cocktails in hand. was; promoting the benefits of healthcare and good There is some dispute about the exact origins of diet for wellbeing and productivity. When Sir John rum, but Mount Gay is the world’s oldest recorded died, in 1801, his friend Sober decided to rename the rum distillery. A deed of sale from 1703 shows that estate in his honour, but the family was already rum was being produced on what is now the Mount prominent on the island and an Alleyne estate already Gay estate, and documents have since been discovered existed, so Sober opted for Sir John’s middle name, and suggesting production may have begun some 50 years Mount Gay was born. earlier. But the brand, which since 1989 has been While Mount Gay rum is popular in Barbados’ majority owned by the French spirits giant Rémy numerous luxury resorts, it is made primarily for the Cointreau, prominently markets itself as “Mount Gay export market, and while Barbadians typically opt for Est. 1703”. cheaper local alternatives – such as ESAF White Rum It didn’t actually acquire the name “Mount Gay” or the endearingly piratical Old Brigand Dark Rum – until almost a century later. Back in the 18th century, there is immense pride in the Mount Gay brand John Gay Alleyne, a descendent of the first English nonetheless, with one local saying it’s “… like Rihanna; settlers and member of the Parliament of Barbados for representing us to the world.” 40 years, was the attorney for the inappropriately “Barbados water” was once a synonym for rum, so it named John Sober, who originally owned the farm that is a historical irony that Barbados’ lack of obvious is now the Mount Gay estate. At the time it was called sources of surface water was an initial deterrent to the Mount Gilboa Plantation, but it was Sir John Gay early European explorers. Water was there however, it Alleyne (made a baronet in 1769) who really developed was just hidden. Unlike other Caribbean islands
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Main: The home of the Ward family, who owned the Mount Gay distillery from 1918 to 1989; Left: Barrels outside an aging warehouse
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– which were mostly formed by volcanic activity along the boundaries of tectonic plates – this easternmost island of the West Indies is the result of biogenic carbonate formation. Deposits of sea creatures slowly accreted to make limestone, and rain water filters through the rock, purifying and pooling in subterranean aquifers. Around a quarter of the rain that falls in Barbados makes its way into this underground network. Having spent a year or more trickling down from the surface, water hits an impenetrable layer called an aquitard, compelling it to carve its way through the porous rock to reach the sea, and creating the myriad tunnels that riddle the heart of the island. Visitors can view the effects of this in Harrison’s Cave, a popular Barbadian tourist attraction for almost 40 years, which offers “tram” rides through the eerily beautiful caverns, and opportunities to see underground lakes and cascades. Before the widespread introduction of indoor plumbing, the village standpipe was a focus of Barbadian social life, and water remains crucial to Mount Gay’s rum operations. They have a well on their estate in the north of the island, and the water quality is monitored weekly. The well water is used primarily in the production of spirit, because with regular tropical rains, sugar cane grown on the estate does not usually require irrigation. Mount Gay grows around 15% of the sugar cane used in its rum production. It's bringing back old varieties of sugar cane, with different strains in separate fields. The fields are named after prominent landmarks (such as “Cow House”), and pesticides are not used, as the main threat to the plants comes from rats, rabbits, mongooses, monkeys, and people (the last of whom will bag and sell strips of purloined sugar cane as a popular roadside snack). Mount Gay’s estate, in the parish of St Lucy, is more than 300 acres. It employs two different planting methods; one is conventional, with sugar cane growing for 16-18 months, and the other is a force-back
The retort of a copper pot still used at the traditional-style Mount Gay rum distillery
method, which involves aggressively with molasses. Molasses is essentially pruning the cane to deliver fully grown treacle; it is an uncrystallised syrup that plants in just 12 months. The cane is rotated was originally created as a waste product with broadleaf crops like yam, and nitrogen during the of refining sugar. The French fixing plants like pigeon peas, to ensure rhum agricole, by contrast, is made from good soil fertility. Mount Gay is also the juice of freshly crushed sugar cane. The embracing corporate social responsibility estate has two molasses stores, one holding with biodiversity projects on the estate, 400 tonnes, the other 500 tonnes. The including beehives and the development of viscous, red-black liquid has a sweet and a mahogany grove which is home to a troop pungent smell, evoking liquorice and over- of green monkeys. ripe bananas, and falling into a tank would Top: Wooden fermenters used in the rum distillation; Mount Gay makes a traditional English- mean a very sticky end. Mount Gay uses a Above: Sugar cane being prepared by hand style rum, which is to say that it is made mix of Barbadian molasses and slightly
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FOOD&BOOZE
A GUIDE TO MOUNT GAY £ Eclipse A classic, aged, golden rum, Eclipse is Mount Gay’s flagship product, great in cocktails or by itself. 40% ABV (£19, thewhiskyexchange.com)
£ Black Barrel An aged rum finished in deeply charred Kentucky whiskey barrels for a lightly smoky vanilla kick, favourite tipple of Mount Gay brand ambassador Chester Brown. 43% ABV (£32, thewhiskyexchange.com)
£ XO An extra old rum, XO comprises selected barrels that have aged for 8 to 15 years. 43% ABV (£40, waitrose.com)
£ XO Peat Smoke A limited-edition, cask-strength, extra old rum finished in Islay whisky barrels, imparting deep smoke and a touch of brine to the classic flavours of Mount Gay. 57% ABV (£199, thewhiskyexchange.com)
£ 1703 Mount Gay’s ultra-premium product contains rums that have been aged for between 10 and 30 years, rich with oak and sweet fruit. 43% ABV (£129, amazon.co.uk)
An outbuilding on the Mount Gay estate, where function takes precedence over form
runnier, less sugary molasses made which holds more than 12,000 barrels; Easter celebrations – are now pegged out in throughout the rest of the Caribbean. stacked vertically, six-high. A variety of the surrounding neighbourhood on a semi- One-part molasses is mixed with three- barrels are used in the aging process, but regular basis. The kites, which are common parts water from the well, and a dash of most are ex-bourbon casks, ensuring a in several Caribbean islands, are fitted with proprietary yeast to make a wash, which is smooth, rich and rounded flavour, with “tongues” which, when airborne, produce a fermented in large French oak tanks for up plenty of caramel and traces of vanilla. maddening sound, like the insistent roar of to a week. The sides of the fermentation Loss by evaporation is substantial; a two-stroke lawn mower engine. But the shed are open, allowing wild yeasts to float upwards of 10 per cent in the first year. visitors’ centre remains a welcome relief in and settle on the surface of the Liquid from barrels in the same batch are from the muggy heat. It’s a slick operation, fermenters, which adds an element of decanted and concentrated into fewer with a presentation on rum-making, a serendipity to the process. The resulting barrels to save storage space and slow the guided tasting, cocktail workshops, and a liquid is usually six or seven per cent process of evaporation. The blending process giftshop stocked with Mount Gay alcohol. – in which different batches of different tchotchkes, posters, postcards, t-shirts, Mount Gay double-distils the fermented ages are mixed to achieve specific flavour sailing gear, and – most importantly – rum. wash using a combination of Scottish and profiles – relies heavily on the sense of After a boozy lunch on the estate, mixing Spanish pot stills, as well as a stainless-steel smell, and is full of craft. Expert knowledge rum with passion fruit, mango, and other column still, and the only copper column and creative instinct combine to produce a tropical juices, managing director Raphaël still in the Caribbean. Indeed, there are only liquid that is complex, and a joy to drink. Grisoni waxes philosophical: “When you two other copper column stills in the world, Alas, the Mount Gay estate is not drink Mount Gay, you are drinking both used in the production of Scottish generally open to the public, but enthusiasts Barbados. You have the right measure of whisky. Mount Gay’s was left derelict in a shouldn’t feel too disappointed – there’s a complexity and pleasure, and we don’t talk courtyard for 50 years, and was only visitors’ experience located at the bottling enough about pleasure. At the end of the recommissioned last year, as a growing plant, near the port in the capital, day you want to indulge yourself. What we demand for unique spirits justified the Bridgetown. It’s a matter of some local are selling is pleasure.” expense of the repairs. controversy that large, hexagonal “mad It’s a persuasive argument... Go on, Mount Gay has four aging houses, each of bull” kites – traditionally used only during indulge yourself.
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FOOD&BOOZE
PASS THE YAK How cognac crossed the divide between stuffy old white guys and hip hop pioneers to become the ultimate symbol of decadence Words: SIMON THOMSON
ognac has a contradictory image. On parameters. Since 1909 production of cognac has been the one hand it is old and fusty, a restricted to a geographical area delimited by the drink swilled in smoke-filled rooms French government, and since 1936 “Cognac” has been by mutton-chopped Victorian robber recognised as a Controlled Appellation of Origin, barons. But on the other, it is beloved laying down strict rules for the spirit’s production. by rappers, who – since Busta Growing mostly Ugni blanc grapes, the chalky soils of Rhymes’ 2002 hit Pass the the Cognac region produce acidic, low-alcohol wines. Courvoisier,C Part II (feat P Diddy and Pharrell Williams) But bad wine makes great spirit, and these are – have seized on “yak” as a symbol of decadence and transformed through a two-stage process of success, and a marker of conspicuous consumption. distillation, as set out in the 1936 decree. Traditional You might expect that there would be some tension copper Charentais stills are small, and recognisable by between hip hop and the traditional world of cognac, the onion-shaped still head and pre-heater – a design but from an early stage the industry embraced the de- reminiscent of the Kremlin. The resulting spirit, called velopment. In an interview in 2003, Claire Coates, di- eau-de-vie, is aged in oak barrels, but while whisky- rector of communications for the main cognac trade makers may be free to use casks that previously held a association, said, “Cognac is an artistic creation. Rap is range of other liquids, cognac can only be aged in new an artistic creation. We go well together.” barrels, or those that formerly held wines or fortified If cognac is an artistic creation, it is something like a wines. It must be aged for a minimum of two years to sonnet; with freedom to invent within tightly defined be called cognac, although in practice most cognacs
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Rapper Snoop Dogg has represented Landy, joining a long list of hip hop stars with cognac tie-ins, including Dr. Dre with Aftermath Cognac, Clifford “TI” Harris with Remy Martin, and Ludacris with Conjure
are substantially older, and while there are single growing middleclass. barrel cognacs (bottled at cask strength), most are For British consumers, part of the allure is its blends, which are mixed with water to bring them comparative accessibility. As the market for high-end down to around 40 per cent ABV. There are different whiskies reaches ever more dizzying heights, cognacs classifications for cognacs, depending on the age of the of similar quality remain just about within reach. youngest spirits in a blend. For someone wanting to test the waters, to see if Despite these restrictions, there are interesting cognac is right for them, the major producers offer a developments. Cognac’s growing popularity is range of products to suit consumers with different encouraging the birth of new micro distilleries, where tastes and budgets. families that have made eaux-de-vie for other One such producer is Rémy Martin, which has been producers for generations, such as Fanny Fougerat and making cognac for almost three centuries. All of its the excellent Bourgoin Cognac, are now aging their grapes come from within the two most prestigious own. Even the established players are becoming more growing regions in Cognac, Grande Champagne and adventurous, with Martell (one of the big four cognac Petite Champagne, which means that it can be producers) causing controversy with a “cognac” marketed as “Fine Champagne”. The connection to finished in ex-bourbon casks. Of course, because it sparkling wine or the Champagne region of north- contravened the rules about re-used barrels, it could eastern France is purely etymological, but likely to not be sold as cognac, and was instead marketed as a confuse some consumers. Like many businesses, Rémy grape brandy. Colouring within the lines, and obeying Martin is making noises about sustainability. It the letter if not the spirit of the law, Bache-Gabrielsen, manifests in practical ways, such as planting two new the largest family-owned producer, makes a cognac oaks for every one felled for barrel-making, and since aged in new Tennessee white oak barrels, which gives 2007 it has offered special training to its 900 or so the finish product a hit of vanilla bound to appeal to growers. fans of American whiskey. The brand is probably best known for its opulent Although cognac is the spirit of France, only a tiny Louis XIII cognac, an ultra-premium blend of as many proportion is consumed there. More than 97 per cent as 1,200 individual eaux-de-vie from Grande of cognac is sold outside the country, accounting for Champagne vineyards, ranging from 40 to 100 years in around a fifth of French wine exports. The two most age. It comes in a Baccarat decanter and will set you important import markets are America (making up 43 back £2,800. per cent of global sales last year) and China. The US is For more of an entry level tipple, you might try the largest market by volume, and growth has been Rémy Martin 1738 Accord Royal. The name celebrates driven by popular music and the use of cognac in Louis XV granting the company’s founder and cocktails; shipments increased from 42.4m bottles in namesake, Rémy Martin, the Accord Royal in honour 2008 to 78.7m in 2016. Singapore is the second largest of his craftsmanship. 1738 cognac is a blend of 240 market internationally, but much of that product is eaux-de-vie, 65 per cent Grande Champagne and 35 funnelled into the third largest, China, where luxury per cent Petite Champagne, aged in French Limousin cognac was a popular “business gift”. However, an oak barrels for between four and twenty years. 1738 anti-corruption drive by the Chinese government saw is great in cocktails, but it has sufficient body to sales fall by 21 per cent in 2014. After that wobble, stand on its own; with notes of fig and plum, an sales are increasing again, with a shift in focus from explosion of sweetness gives way to an increasingly the most high-end cognacs to include products that savoury aftertaste – recommended for rappers and are more affordable for consumers in China’s rapidly bankers alike.
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INTERVIEW
AMERICA’S MOST HATED AUTHOR Bret Easton Ellis has courted outrage since he was an undergraduate. DOUGIE GERRARD is surprised to find a man who just wants to be loved.
ret Easton Ellis is concerned about the tour has also resulted in a few memorable noise. We’re sitting in the lounge of a conflagrations, most notably an interview with the fancy hotel, and he’s worried my tape New Yorker that went viral, largely because of what recorder won’t pick him up. “We can was widely thought to be Ellis’ total destruction at the find another if you’d like. Tell me hands of the interviewer (sample headline: “This Bret what you want to do.” It’s hard to Easton Ellis interview is brutal”). reconcile his graciousness with his It’s a little charitable to call White a collection of Breputation as the one-time enfant terrible of American essays; in reality, it’s closer to a series of blog posts, or literature, or his current status as the boogeyman of a bunch of angry rants cribbed from the discussion the US broadsheets. section of a mid-noughties Warhammer messageboard. Our interview comes at the midpoint of an Over its 250-odd pages, Ellis inveighs against international tour, one that he forlornly tells me “will Moonlight, against Madonna, against Michelle Obama never stop”; after the UK, he will shuffle off to and the New York Times; against anything he deems Germany, the Netherlands, and then on to God knows guilty of what he terms “corporate wokeness”. If the where. The tour’s purpose is to sell his new book, book has a thesis, it’s that we have all become White, a meandering collection of essays about our hysterical, and that everyone needs to “pull on their current cultural moment. The content of White will big boy pants, have a stiff drink at the bar,” and calm not be a surprise to anyone who has followed Ellis on the fuck down. Twitter over the past couple of years, where he has Parts of White are very interesting, particularly staked out a position on the frontline of a new culture when he is holding court on movies, about which he war. White’s targets are typical of a particular corner is knowledgeable and forthright (he has written of the internet populated largely by angry white men: three films, The Canyons, The Informers and The safe-spaces and identity politics; the essential Curse of Downers Grove, none of which have been snowflakiness of millennials (who he has labelled particularly well-received). Some of his criticism is ‘Generation Wuss’); feminism and what he sees as the perfectly legitimate, and even the most fragile excesses of the #MeToo movement. It has garnered a snowflake will find something agreeable in his good deal of controversy, unsurprisingly, given that railing against the toothless corporate liberalism of even the title is a minor provocation. His promotional contemporary Hollywood. It is, for instance, deeply
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Now ages 55, it’s three decades since Bret Easton Ellis wrote his seminal novel American Psycho
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INTERVIEW
From left: Bret Easton Ellis says it’s silly to believe the world is a fair place; Christian Bale in the film adaptation of American Psycho; The cover of Ellis’ new collection of essays, White
dumb and hypocritical that bad Twitter rampant censorship is prohibiting honest jokes saw Ellis disinvited from a LGBTQ political discussion, he simply demurs: “I dinner that had Bill Clinton, the man who don’t know. What do you think?” And on passed the Defence of Marriage Act, as its millennials, whose generational pathetitude keynote speaker. The world isn’t a fair is the organising principle of his book (and But at other times White is a troubling his Twitter account), he is positively affable. book, and at others a boring one. During place. We’re all going “I’m very sympathetic to millennials. How certain segments, I could understand the to get old and we’re could I not be? I live with one 24/7”, he says monstering it has received in the literary (Ellis’ boyfriend, Todd Michael Schultz, is a press. For one thing, it feels profoundly all going to die musician in his early thirties). “People forget under-edited, and there are whole sections that I’m someone who has written very that might’ve been scythed through by a critically of my own generation, of their more ruthless publishing house. To Bedrooms, received mixed reviews, and Ellis materialism and their shallowness.” illustrate: he includes a series of useless has demurred on the question of whether When he does criticise, his criticisms are anecdotes about hanging out with he will ever again write fiction. undergirded by a world-weary conservatism, celebrities, one of which begins, “In the late Given all this, I had expected to meet a not the ambient seethe that characterises 1980s, when Tom Cruise and I lived in the crabby old man, embittered by the changing White. “I do wish they [millennials] weren’t same building in downtown New York,” and generational winds that had seen his too- so concerned with... utopias, dare I say. doesn’t get any more compelling from there. cool-for-school Gen-X nihilism shunted out Because you’re bound to be constantly It all feels a far cry from the Ellis of yore. of the cultural ascendancy by millennial disappointed. My boyfriend is constantly When he was just 21, still an undergrad at activism. Plus, I myself am a card-carrying disappointed by things not working out. He Bennington College, he published Less Than millennial, with two separate food wants the world to be a fair place – the Zero, a semi-autobiographical novel about intolerances to prove it. But in person Ellis is world isn’t a fair place! We’re all going to the aimless, anhedonic lives of a bunch of something different – warm, courteous, and get old, we’re all going to die”. very rich and very messed up Los Angeles often incredibly funny. Curiously for a man Perhaps this is all a guise – as many have teenagers. It was a surprise hit, and who has just written a very shouty book – pointed out, for a book about how we all overnight Ellis became both a literary and somewhat infuriatingly for an need to calm down, White is a very angry wunderkind and a generational interviewer looking for a snappy subhead – piece of writing. Insisting over and over that mouthpiece, enrapturing 80s teenagers with he is also coy to the point of diffident, you don’t give a crap about what anyone his depiction of Gen-X disaffection. In 1991, endlessly caveating his opinions with says – that you are, in fact, laughing – seems at the tender age of 26, he wrote American umms, wells and actuallys. For instance, the like a textbook case of a writer telling on Psycho, still seen by many as the seminal backlash to Trump, which he describes in himself, especially given that Ellis is prone satire of the vapidity and materialism of White as “shrill”, “hysterical”, and “knee- to periodic eruptions of rage. “I’ve grown Wall Street. But after the millennium his jerk, over-emotional lashing out”, is assessed entirely comfortable in being liked and literary output began to stall, and in the in these terms: “Maybe people are right. disliked, adored and despised,” he writes in past ten years it has dried up entirely – his Maybe Trump is completely fucking evil.” White; to which the obvious response is most recent novel, 2010’s Imperial When I ask him whether a culture of ‘why write a book about it, then?’
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And yet his posturing indifference in periodically turns this genial, conciliatory what turned out to be a dud? “I don’t like print is matched by the nonchalance with man into a vicious cultural warrior. Twitter my boyfriend being sad,” he says, and which he carries himself in person. I has a lycanthropic quality: even the sweetest- there’s a slight pause, as a coy smile plays expected him to be embarrassed by that souled person can develop fangs and a across his face. “Maybe I enjoyed it a little interview in the New Yorker, or angry at bloodlust when safely ensconced behind a bit. Don’t tell him I said that.” being the subject of a well-executed hit computer screen. I also don’t think it’s Ellis’ relationship with Trump is piece, but he remains sanguine. “I knew coincidental that Ellis admits to often using ambiguous. Patrick Bateman, the antihero what was happening two minutes in, maybe the website when he’s drunk, given that he of American Psycho, is obsessed with him, I should’ve hung up. But I thought I could keeps finding himself in what are essentially seeing the then-real estate developer as a win and I decided to fight it. But I started the internet equivalent of bar fights. perfect capitalist; untethered from ethics, flailing. I think if I sat down with him and This split between the public and the consumed by consumerism. It seems we spoke face to face it’d have been a much personal, the online and the in-the-flesh, strange that someone who was then so different situation.” perhaps accounts for the apparent paradox critical of Trump now takes such delight in Does he feel inured to criticism now? in his relationship with his boyfriend. In ridiculing his critics. Ellis is insistent that “Listen, I’ve been doing this for 35 years. Bad White, Schulz is as an attention-seeking he’s not a fan of the President. Indeed, he reviews are not new. When Less Than Zero hysteric, losing himself entirely in his thinks of himself as entirely apolitical, came out, there were op-eds saying that it’s loathing for Trump. In person, however, interested only in aesthetics and not the end of literature when a house like Ellis radiates affection for Schulz, seeming ideology. But no one is beyond politics – Simon & Schuster publishes this book. And to mention him in every other sentence. especially someone who’s just written a I’ve often said that if there were a Rotten Still, Ellis must’ve been secretly pleased by polemic called White – and by situating Tomatoes of books, American Psycho the outcome of the Mueller report, given himself as part of the anti-anti-Trump would’ve gotten zero per cent. There were that Schulz spent a year obsessing over backlash he is surely picking a side. Is there no good reviews of that book; I was getting anything about Trump that he does death threats because of it.” admire? “Policy-wise, no, but he is a Did that disturb him at the time? “No, remarkable stand up, and there is because I believed in the book. And something compelling about his stamina whatever was happening in that cultural and his fearless sense of humour”. moment, where it was cancelled [Simon & Another annoyingly reasonable answer. Schuster dropped the book months before Trump is a His publicist taps her watch, but Ellis tells publication, allowing Vintage Books to me that he doesn’t want that to be the last swoop in], it all just washed over me. I felt remarkable stand-up question, so we chat about movies for a few numb, like I was floating away from with compelling minutes. He tells me about his favourite everybody. But I always knew that it would millennial filmmakers – Ari Aster, Damien be over eventually, and that the book would stamina and Chazelle – as his bemused publicist watches be published and understood.” on. It’s a fitting way to end the interview; an It strikes me that it might be the a fearless unnecessarily personable action from the corrupting influence of the web that sense of humour most hated writer in America.
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CITY A.M. CLUB
EXCLUSIVE UPCOMING EVENTS FOR MEMBERS
FOOD PROPERTY FINE WINE
EVENT: Ceviche masterclass EVENT: How to start a wine cellar HOST: LIMA London HOST: Berry Bros & Rudd WHERE: LIMA London, 31 Rathbone Place, WHERE: The Pickering Cellar, Berry Bros & Fitzrovia, W1T 1JH Rudd, 3 St. James’s Street, SW1A 1EG WHEN: 7pm, 12 June WHEN: 6.30 to 8.30pm, 30 July
LIMA London, the capital’s premier Peruvian Starting your own fine wine collection can be restaurant, is hosting an exclusive Ceviche a daunting prospect. Whether you want to Masterclass for City A.M. Club members. buy fine wine to lay down for the future, to Renowned for its famous dish of raw fish in start a cellar for investment purposes (or a “tiger milk”, LIMA’s food is both delicious and little of both), it can be hard to know where to healthy – and now you can learn to make it at begin. To help get you started, wine and home. Enjoy a Pisco Sour on arrival, followed spirit merchant Berry Bros. & Rudd is holding by a masterclass held by executive chef an exclusive event for City A.M. Club members. You’ll learn how to build a EVENT: Property Pints balanced collection of wine, how to ensure HOST: BuyAssociation your investment holds its value, and hear WHERE: Boisdale of Canary Wharf, expert advice on the fine wine market. Cabot Place, E14 4QT You’ll also have the chance to sample a WHEN: 6.30 to 8.30pm, 27 June selection of fine wine and canapés on the night, giving you an idea of what you might City A.M. Club members are invited for drinks want to add to your cellar. The event will be and canapés while we take an informal look hosted by a Berry Bros & Rudd fine wine at the property market outlook beyond account manager in the company’s historic London. Hear insights on the UK’s fastest home at No.3 St James’s Street, London. growing regional cities and looking at a £ Visit cityam.com to book your place potential reversal in the North-South property market. Robert Ortiz, where you will get the chance Hosted by the award-winning to learn the cooking skills and techniques BuyAssociation team, City A.M. Club behind traditional Peruvian dishes. Tickets members will receive direct access to some are priced £38 per person, to be booked of the UK's leading property projects, and paid in advance. If you would like to developers and exclusive deals. If follow the masterclass with dinner, you can BuyAssociation can’t help you directly, they dine at LIMA London using your City A.M. will likely know someone who can. Whether Club 20 per cent discount – and receive you’re a first time investor, a seasoned another complimentary Pisco Sour. property professional or just mildly curious, £ To book your place, call 020 3002 2640 come along for a pint and a chat. or email [email protected] £ Visit cityam.com to book your place
The City AM Club is a new and exclusive membership programme designed specifically for you— London's professionals. Access a unique and thoughtfully curated experience - from discounts, to added value, events and networking in your favourite restaurants and across leading lifestyle brands. The City AM Club is designed to match your lifestyle and take you through the week - morning till midnight. It’s Better On The Inside - are you in? JOIN THE CLUB TODAY VISIT CITYAMCLUB.COM
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Group Exercise Instructor Zsusza Vinczeller says the key is finding the classes that work for you GET IN SHAPE WITH OUR PARTNER VIRGIN ACTIVE Club members receive 10 per cent off their monthly Virgin Active bill as well as a waiver on their joining feel. Trainer ZSUSZA VINCZELLER tells us what’s in store...
Virgin Active is London’s leading luxury fitness well as body. “Restorative Yoga helps you need to find which instructors suit you and find company, with eight gyms in and around the open up your hips after extended periods the classes you enjoy the most. We’re also City and one at Canary Wharf. sitting at a desk. Reformer Pilates targets happy to recommend which classes might If you’re looking for a fitness solution that fits postural muscles and aids in spinal best fit your personality and personal goals – around your work schedule, then our realignment, as well as giving you a thorough we’re always happy to help.” partnership with Virgin Active will be right up core workout. You’ll leave feeling recharged As well as top-class trainers, Virgin Active your street. “We have classes that are and will notice an improvement in your also employs trained nutritionists to give you a timetabled around office hours conveniently posture.” full, 360 degree fitness plan, and offers a 12 offered in 30 and 45-minute formats,” says Vinczeller says the key to getting the most week transformation programme. Vinczeller Group Exercise Instructor Zsusza Vinczeller. out of Virgin Active’s classes is to find what says you can expect to see results in as little as “We have early morning, lunchtime and early excites and motivates you: “I recommend four to eight weeks: “It all comes down to evening classes, including Grid (HIIT), Punch investing some time going to different classes keeping a consistent training routine and a (boxing) and Revolution (cycling).” with different instructors to find the one (or disciplined, balanced diet.” Virgin is a specialist in helping office workers ones) who suit your goals. We are all different £ To sign up and work out your personal unwind, offering classes that restore mind as and we all have different expectations. You fitness plan go to club.cityam.com
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CITY A.M. CLUB
CITY A.M. CLUB SUMMEr ESSENTIALS
ETHICAL SWIMWEAR Naeco produces the essential swimwear for the modern man this summer, offering tailored luxury swim shorts with an ethical backbone. Each pair is made using their unique super soft eco-friendly fabric woven with 15 recycled plastic bottles salvaged from the ocean. Every pair also comes with a five-year guarantee to help prevent overconsumption while the brand also hosts regular beach cleans and donates 5 per cent of its profits to marine charities. £185, naeco.co.uk £ Club members receive 25 per cent off any purchase
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FOUR SEASONS SPA Escape from the City at The Spa at Four Seasons Hotel London at Ten Trinity Square with one of their bespoke facial treatments. The Luxury Green Caviar Lift Facial is an indulgent treatment by facial care expert Dr Burgener designed to repair and revamp skin in need of a regenerative boost. £ Club members receive a complimentary 30 minute mini treatment with their 60 minute booking and access to spa facilities (Mon-Fri)
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The Blue Orchid Hotel, opening this summer, will overlook The Tower of London COMPLIMENTARY WEEKEND BREAK IN LONDON’S ALL SUITE HOTEL Blue Orchid Hotels is opening in London this summer. Be one of the first to stay in London Tower Suites overlooking Tower Bridge – for free
This summer will see the opening of a new and the river Thames. Guests will enjoy Whether you’re looking for a romantic break landmark all-suite hotel overlooking the Tower elegant suites with fully equipped kitchens or simply a convenient escape from City life, of London – and City A.M. Club members will and lounges, and have access to a range of this exclusive package is an unmissable be entitled to a complimentary weekend stay. dining and entertainment facilities. experience. Expect elegant, contemporary Blue Orchid Hotels from renowned Hotelier City A.M. Club members will also receive a surroundings, a unique venue and impeccable Tony Matharu will offer contemporary luxury in signature Blue Orchid cocktail on the house. service… A home from home a stone’s throw some of London’s most iconic locations, “Today’s guests seek luxury, independent from the office. catering today’s most discerning travellers. living combined with personal and attentive £ All City A.M. Club members have to do to The first Blue Orchid property will open in service,” says Matharu, the founder and secure their stay is email Westminster, with another new all-suite City chairman of the Blue Orchid Hospitality Group. [email protected] and quote their hotel launching soon after, featuring “Our new properties will satisfy and exceed membership number; deadline for entries is spectacular views over the Tower of London these demands.” 1 January 2020
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Time for Bauhaus
The JUNGHANS max bill is proof that less really can be more. Puristic through and through, it focusses primarily on the essential: the time. The original Bauhaus watch from Max Bill celebrating the 100th anniversary of Bauhaus: max bill Automatic Bauhaus 100th anniversary edition, mechanical movement, sapphire crystal, glass case back with Bauhaus motive, water- resistant up to 3 bar, limited to 1000 watches.
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JUH AZ B h 027 4901 02 Bl C UK Cit AM 210 297 0519 i dd 1 14.05.19 09:21 051 watch cover 23 May 2019_Layout 2 30/05/2019 15:04 Page 1 WATCHES PREMIER LEAGUE The new Breitling Premier combines nostalgia with craftsmanship to devastating effect
t’s been a big year for aviation’s favourite antidote to the wages of war. With reassuringly watchmaker – mostly because Breitling’s big nostalgic details like the rectangular pushbuttons and news has been anything but airborne. clean, dual-counter stopwatch layout, Premier serves as Following a drastic brand overhaul at the the perfect environment for Breitling’s long-standing hands of a new CEO, and led by the new partnership with Bentley. Now it’s also partnering with ‘Navitimer 8’, a tribute to its WWII cockpit another British automotive legend, Norton, whose chronographs, ‘land’ and ‘sea’ are now 21st-century rebirth at Donington Park combines state- Igetting equal love: the latter in the form of a refreshed of-the-art engineering with classic design. Superocean diving range; the former as ‘Premier’. In fact, it’s much like the first commemorative It’s been redacted from official Breitling history, but watch; powered by Breitling’s ‘B01’ self-winding Premier is long-overdue; a more urbane, elegant mechanics and fine-tuned to ‘chronometer’ precision. collection originally conceived in the 40s as an £ £6,530, breitling.com
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WATCHES
WHAT’S TICKING? From the most accurate quartz watch ever produced to the coolest Patek in town, we bring you the latest in the world of haute horologie
CITIZEN ARRESTING DOCTOR OCTAGON Talk about bringing the fight. In the 50th-anniversary Even if you don’t know Gerald Genta’s name, you year of Seiko launching the world’s first quartz- probably know his work. He was the Italo-Swiss who crystal-regulated wristwatch and changing sketched out Patek Philippe’s eight-sided Nautilus on everything in the process, fellow Japanese brand a napkin in 1976 (it’s barely changed since). He is the Citizen dished up the curveball of this March’s prolific mind behind Omega’s Constellation and the Baselworld watch and jewellery fair: a watch so Bulgari Bulgari. And who knows where Audemars precise it loses or gains no more than one Piguet would be now if he hadn’t designed 1972’s second over the course of a year. Nothing less octagonal Royal Oak, inventing in a stroke the than the finest quartz-regulated accuracy notion of a luxury steel sports watch. This year, on record. By way of comparison, Seiko’s his widow (he died in 2011 at the age of 80), top-grade Calibre 9F is a still-respectable ±5 long-term business partner and ambassador for seconds. Citizen’s boffins have managed Monaco’s Embassy in London, Evelyne Genta, this with a lozenge-shaped ‘AT-cut’ quartz has set up a Heritage Association in his name crystal, which vibrates at 8,388,608 Hz, to support the next generation of watch where the industry’s usual twin-pronged designers and bring some of his many ‘tuning-fork’ crystals run 250 times slower mothballed designs to life. Given that the at 32,768 Hz. Seeing as Seiko chose not to “Gerald Genta” brand name is still owned by mark quartz’s half-century at Basel, there Bulgari, who purchased it in 1999, there are could be a counter-riposte in store later this whisperings that parent company LVMH might help year. Stay fine-tuned… with construction – but what’s for certain is that the watches won’t be like anything you’ve seen before. GREEN WITH ENVY Patek Philippe rarely – or never? – disappoints, but THE ULTIMATE CAR-LLABORATION it’s really out-done itself this time. This year it When TAG Heuer and Aston Martin announced their released possibly the coolest entry in its entire new partnership in February last year, the return of catalogue, which isn’t to denigrate the sublime motor racing’s original watchmaker to skid-marked suite of classical pieces launched at Baselworld. tarmac was welcomed with open arms. Hot on the Switching up the sporty entry point for Geneva’s Pirelli-shod heels of two rather muffled launch grande dame of ‘haute horologie’, the new khaki- watches, the legendary Swiss and British marques are green colourway brings adventurousness and – dare switching things up several gears: a limited edition of we say it? – youthful edginess to the Aquanaut. Clockwise from top: 50 ‘TAG Heuer Edition’ DBS Superleggera sports cars, Cased in white gold to 42.2mm ‘Jumbo’ proportions The new khaki-green Pastek with a collectors’ version of the Carrera Heuer 02 (a fair chunk of precious metal, which explains the Philippe Aquanaut; Watch-maker thrown into the deal. One: a true, 715bhp, twin-turbo- £30,390 pricetag) with a 120-metre water resistance extraordinaire Gerald Genta, V12 British muscle car, with a ‘Monaco Black’ paint more than suited to a vigorous bout of snorkelling, whose widow has started a new job and red accents that stretch from TRON-esque tyre this could be the perfect Hamptons or Maldives watchmaking Heritage Association rims to embroidered TAG logos on the headrests. The holiday watch. And if anyone’s in any doubt back at in his name; The new Tag x Aston other: a precision mechanical chronograph redolent the clubhouse, simply show them the caseback: Martil collaboration; The mind- of Heuer’s 60s heyday riding shotgun with the likes of there’s no arguing with the Ref. 5168’s hand- bogglingly accurate quartz- Jo Siffert, and featuring a hexagonal cut-out dial that finished mechanics gleaming inside. powered watch from Citizen. mimics the aggressive grille of the DBS. All in,
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WATCHES
MARITIME TRAVEL Diving watches are going back to the future, writes ALEX DOAK, with a flotilla of revival waterbabies as funkadelic yet fit for purpose as they were 50 years ago
here’s a strong chance that film buffs wrist – a hands-free convenience that nonetheless kept or watch nerds will catch a glimpse of it permanently exposed to the elements, rather than a monochrome Rolex Submariner or tucked safely away in your waistcoat. Dust and blue-dialled Omega Seamaster Diver moisture entered far more readily through gaps in the and think of only one thing: case, and especially the watch’s Achilles heel: the Commander James Bond. Quite apart winding/setting crown. from the fact that 007 has been a As with the self-winding rotor, the date window, not Tdedicated ambassador for both ever since Dr No, these to mention the entire modern way of watchmaking, diving watches – plus plenty of Panerai’s, Breitlings Rolex pipped everyone to the post with its ‘Oyster’ and TAG Heuers – deserve their ubiquity on Civvy solution of 1926. Like a submarine hatch, the crown, Street: they look purposeful yet distinguished, and caseback and front all screwed down tightly onto the whether you’re PADI Level 3 or just splashing about in central body. Barring the addition of rubber ‘O-ring’ the shallow end with the kids, they’re genuinely gaskets, making the joins even tighter, it’s the system practicable. that remains in universal usage. In other words, you can throw on a diving watch Come the 30s, an obscure naval equipment supplier and forget about it. It’s how Sean Connery’s Rolex in Florence called Officine Panerai recruited Rolex to transitioned so believably from planting a bomb adapt its oversize, cushion-shaped Oyster pocket watch underwater to propping up a cocktail bar within a few for Italy’s elite frogmen. Straps were added by minutes (or, rather less believably, how Pierce soldering wire attachments and sub-aqua legibility was Brosnan’s Omega went from laser-cutting a nuclear achieved through Panerai’s patented ‘Radiomir’ train to driving a tank). luminescent paint, an iconic formula still alive and While these timepieces were born of the murky flippering. depths, it was something far murkier that led to By the 50s, war had honed ‘self-contained demand for watertightness in the first place: the underwater breathing apparatus’ or SCUBA, and trenches of WWI. Those ghastly conditions meant the thanks to the popular films of Jacques Cousteau, the gentleman’s watch migrated from the pocket to the public were throwing themselves (or rather, falling
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Main: A frogman wearing his trusty Blancpain; Left: The 1960 Rolex Deep Sea Special, which aided in a mission to the world’s deepest marine trench
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WATCHES
backwards) into this exciting new tech; the engineering principles remain amateur sport. Blancpain’s ‘Fifty Fathoms’ virtually identical. (good to an eponymous 91.14 metres) had Take the Longines Skin Diver, for pioneered the circumferentially rotating example. A millimetre-perfect flashback to ‘bezel’ ring – a means of timing your dive on the 180-something brand’s first toe in the fly, by aligning a zero marker with your SCUBA waters, back in 1959, it still looks as minutes hand – in 1953 at the behest of the cool today thanks to a steely-black bezel and French military. But yet again, one year pinpoint markings, with the water later, it was Rolex who coined the first resistance upped to 300 metres, and dive- commercial diving watch with the time accuracy as reliable as ever thanks to immortal ‘Submariner’. its rocksolid inner mechanics. An even butcher version of its Oyster, Three years on from the first Skin Diver, good to an unprecedented 100m (nowadays Longines’ rebel stablemate at Swatch Group 300m), the Sub’ combined the screwdown, was earning its waterwings and then some. bezel and luminescent technologies with a A burgeoning reputation for sci-fi style that looked as good with a two-piece experimentalism in both materials and suit as a wet one. design meant that Rado’s ‘Captain Cook’ Omega’s similarly appointed Seamaster divers of the early 60s stole a march on followed three years later, and then the more famous releases in terms of bulbous floodgates opened – every Swiss case shapes and far-out colourways. Rado is manufacturer and a good few American now redressing this long-ignored prescience ones boasted a diving watch in their with another stellar 2019 reissue: 1962’s collections. The bright details and MKII, with its impressive 220m rating still voluptuous forms lent themselves intact, along with plenty of style kudos. particularly groovily to the styles of the 60s That streak of red on the inner bezel, in and 70s. combination with the streamlined housing, So, given our unquenched thirst for all is pure Stingray. things retro (especially mid-century retro), a Feeling rather less ‘behind enemy waves’ recent spate of reissued vintage diving and more ‘back at the officer’s mess’, Oris’s watches is hardly surprising. What’s Above: The Reservoir Hydrosphere, the new watch Sixty-Five has been a huge success story especially impressive is that Switzerland’s from the French-based, Swiss-made indie startup, thanks to the democratically priced, proven watchmakers have no need to bring their priced £3,900; Top: The sumptuous 1950s quality of its modern ‘Aquis’ diving range. archive revivals up to speed with modern throwback Skin Diver by Longines, priced £2,030 Exercising rather more poetic license than
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most, Sixty-Five’s remixed retro details from was too easy to move. Tudor got to work and (funnily enough) 1965 benefit from a patented a prototype with a crown at four rainbow of mid-century colours, straight o’clock to avoid knocks and a mechanism from Le Corbusier’s architectural that clamped-fast the bezel. The US Navy ‘Polychromie’ palette. The latest is in liked the innovation but it was deemed too collaboration with retailer Bucherer, “technical” (i.e. expensive) to put into mass applying the European chain’s trademark production, so it was shelved. royal blue to a gorgeous twin-counter To this day, Tudor neither confirms or chronograph. denies whether any were actually made It goes beyond Civvy Street, too. Given its (meaning a good number of recent, pricey inherently robust and utilitarian qualities, auction lots are probably fakes) but the good the cult of the diving watch dovetails with news for modern collectors is that Tudor another equally obsessive quarter of horolo- has dug the patent from its archives and nerdery: the military watch. The ‘mil-spec’ resurrected it as the ‘Black Bay P01’. It not and ‘diver’ cocktail has become potent only has the off-kilter crown but also enough to command £100,000-plus auction possesses the patented bezel-locking system, prices, in the case of Rolex’s beefed-up ‘Mil- whose massive ‘bonnet’ and ‘boot’ steel Sub’, issued to the Royal Navy between 1971 curves have divided opinion. and ‘79 in only 1,200 examples. In my view, authenticity is the only Rolex’s little brother Tudor also enjoys a essential ingredient when it comes to colourful (not to mention collectable) heritage divers, and the P01 has this by the military heritage, which has informed one boatload. But if you’d rather venture into of this year’s most controversial retro-diver unchartered waters, Reservoir has just the launches. Back in the 1960s, the US Navy thing. The French-based, Swiss-made indie came to Tudor asking it to make startup is usually all about four wheels, but adjustments to its frogmen’s standard-issue the new Hydrosphere translates its usual ‘Submariner’ – a more affordable version of fuel gauge/rev counter layout into a SCUBA Rolex’s, also used by the French Marine pressure gauge – the original instrument of Nationale, whose historical iterations are survival for divers, and a ripe opportunity now distilled across the modern Black Bay Above: The Rado Captain Cook MKII, with its for some colourful detailing. collection. impressive 220m dive rating; Above left: Tudor’s Dive on in, gents, the water’s fine. Or They complained that the crown kept divine Black Bay P01; Above right: Oris’s Sixty-Five, don’t – that’s the beauty of this most getting knocked and the dive-timing bezel in collaboration with Bucherer. versatile genre of watches.
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WATCHES
WOMEN’S HOUR LAURA MCCREDDIE-DOAK MAKING WAVES Why I’m still pining for the Goldilocks of women’s diving watches – practical, pretty and affordable
he seeds of this column were sown Closer to the brief is the Oris Aquis Date 36. It is all during a conversation about 40th white, which looks fantastic with a tan, has a rubber birthday presents. My other half has strap and looks remarkably like a diving watch. But his eye on a rather snazzy Tissot don’t be fooled. With its meagre 30m water resistance, Heritage 1973 for his, and there’s a you’d probably have to take it off to wash up after diving-watch shaped hole in my Sunday lunch. collection. My husband has I could go on name-checking the likes of Tnumerous diving watches, most of which Omega’s fabulous Seamaster Planet Ocean are below the £1,000 mark, so I started series – all lush ceramic with the option of looking for the female equivalent; precious metal or diamonds – or refer you to something fun with an automatic the grandfather of them all, the Rolex movement, in a cool colour, good to 200m Submariner, which has long dangled from with a 36mm case that would look just the delicate wrists of the well-heeled. as good with a summer frock as with a However, these are all luxury swim suit. Basically, the new baby- propositions. Where is the women’s blue Breitling SuperOcean Automatic equivalent of Seiko’s amazing Prospex 36 but without the accompanying PADI? It looks great, has an automatic price tag. movement, and is so good a dive Surely there is nothing out watch it’s approved by people who there that fits the bill? teach others how to do it. And it Well, there are certainly will only set you back £899. many gorgeous women’s diving The likes of Longines and watches. If you want something Certina do decent divers at fun to show the fishes, then reasonable prices, but they Chopard’s Happy Ocean is aren’t particularly colourful perfect. Despite the dancing and the latter is quartz. diamonds, it is a proper tool So, to misquote Miranda watch – good to 300m and with a Priestly: “Is it impossible to find unidirectional bezel so you can a lovely, colourful, reasonably time your dives. However, it is priced women’s diving watch? Am I £6,750, so for a more “ladies who reaching for the stars here?” lunch” look there’s the perennially Maybe I am. Or maybe I’m voicing popular TAG Heuer Aquaracer, with the pleas of a heretofore untapped its sleek steel lines and delicate market. Watch brands, it’s over to you diamond touches. Again, it has a 300m now. You have until 13 September. water resistance and is apparently the £ Laura McCreddie-Doak is one of the country’s only watch Cameron Diaz wears when she foremost experts on women’s watches and jewellery dives, but you still need £2,050 and although it has a refined elegance, it’s not The outrageously pretty Breitling what you would call “fun”. SuperOcean Automatic 36
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MOTORING MERC’S BARMY ARMY In search of truffles, brandy, and a Roman Amphitheatre, ADAM HAY-NICHOLLS takes the magnificent Mercedes G- Class on a winding road trip across Central Europe
he hunters call them ‘black diamonds’, the shavings of which turn humble scrambled eggs into an event. Beneath the umber soil, under a small oak tree, I discover a gnarled and pungent black summer truffle, about half the size of a fist, its dusty Tskin mottled and creased like that of an elephant’s. I’m in Istria, in the northwest of Croatia; a province that was part of Italy until 1947 and has become, in recent years, the world capital of truffle hunting, outscoring Piedmont and Perigord. I’m taking this one home with me but, were I not, it could end up on a plate at La Gavroche or La Tour d’Argent because, as we all know, truffles are the most expensive garnish known to man. This is, essentially, gastronomic gold. Additionally, the Istria region churns out the finest olive oil and spankingly good wine, the seafood comes straight out of the Adriatic, and dishes are rustic and Italian-influenced. In other words, foodie heaven. My chosen hotel, Roxanich, exists to celebrate all of this. Opened just four months ago, the 500,000 litres of vino in its 80-metre deep cellar can only be described as bacchanal. For my road trip to Istria, across its bountiful hills and valleys, I required a 4x4 with earthy DNA that, like the subterranean fungi, could capture the attention of the bling ring. A car you could imagine steering from here, the verdant forest of Buzet, back to a Mayfair kitchen with a boot full of valuable produce. So, I Above: The Storm Trooper white arranged the all-new Mercedes G63 AMG. Mercedes G63 AMG, officially known as the G-Class; From left: The beast awaits me at Stuttgart Airport, having Rovinj, a Croatian fishing port on the recently emerged from the nearby Benz production west coast of the Istrian peninsula; line. It’s Storm Trooper white, with four side-exiting The spaceous interior of the G- exhausts and carbon-fibre grab handles for the rough Class; Croatia’s Novigrad stuff. The interior is covered in silver plastic and scarlet-flecked carbon, the clock is IWC, and the seats are in red and black nappa with bright red seatbelts. It appears to have taken inspiration from the cabin of Muammar Gaddafi’s jet. It’s officially known as the G-Class these days, but to anyone who knows their four-wheel-drives it’ll always be referred to as the G-Wagen. Short for Geländewagen – or Cross-Country Vehicle – it was originally manufactured by Puch in Austria for the Iranian army, and civilian versions were produced from 1979. Since then it’s been regularly updated but its boxy and utilitarian looks have changed little, despite the introduction of state-of-the-art technology and Sheik- enticing levels of luxury. This latest version is the biggest upgrade in its history, with only six components carried over from the outgoing
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MOTORING
model. The improvements to its driving dynamics are terrific, but it manages to maintain its unique ‘toy soldier’ character.
As I move off, the central locking makes such a violent noise••• that it makes me jump. I thought for a minute someone had fired a crossbow from the backseat. Mercedes could have made it S-Class quiet, but that would be out of keeping with its militia personality. Ahead of me is a 500- mile mission across Germany, Austria, Italy, Slovenia and, finally, Croatia. The steeply raked windscreen means the view is quickly obscured by a massacre of splatted bugs. The autobahn between Stuttgart and Munich provides ample opportunity to reach the G63’s 150mph top speed legally, and to crank up the Kraftwerk. The Austrian Tyrol highlights the SUV’s Herculean 627lbft of torque as it hammers over mountains. The chic alpine town of Kitzbuhel marks the halfway point in the journey and where I’ll overnight at the cosy and convenient Hotel Zur Tenne. My suite’s roaring fireplace makes the country cottage décor feel extra snug, and there’s a balcony overlooking the Old Town and Hahnenhamm mountain, which hosts annual World Cup ski races. The ski season in Kitzbuhel is so long that on the last week of April I’m still able to hit the pistes. After a morning’s slaloming, I jump back in the G-Wagen and do the same thing behind the wheel. The route from Kitzbuhel takes you across fabulous passes and switchbacks. In order to help the three- tonne Merc get its nose into the hairpins I loosen up the Electronic Stability Control and brake on turn in. The massive tyres squeal. Zero to 62mph takes just 4.5 seconds, meaning you can overtake less athletic traffic in the short straight sections. With its lofty height and beefy 577bhp bi-turbo V8, you feel imperial. The G63 threads around the serrated edges of the 2,500m Grossglockner High Alpine Road before crossing into Italy and zig-zagging down the perilous Strada Statale From top: The hillside village of Motovun in central Istria, Croatia; The spectacular Istra Colosseum 52. After Trieste, the route runs just 15 miles through Slovenia, passing under the country’s tallest viaduct, before meeting a and ceilings carpeted in 1960s Italian washed down with their own light-bodied sleepy border post. Croatia is not Schengen. shades; baby blue and pistachio. red curvée, Super Istrian. On the bottle is a Foreign plates, foreign passport, £143,000 Downstairs, Roxanich is rightly proud of chequered flag and a childhood photo of Benz; the official takes a suspicious walk its restaurant and the wines it produces. I Mario Andretti. Andretti is an Italian- around before sending me on my way. enjoy a feast of snails in pesto, donkey American hero, the only racing driver to Motovun is my destination; a medieval salami, scampi risotto and succulent aged have won the Daytona 500 (1967), the Indy hilltop town in the heart of truffle and wine boskarin, the local long-horned cattle, all 500 (1969) and the F1 world championship country. Sitting below, with an expansive (1978). No other surname evokes such a view of the vineyards, is the Roxanich hotel, sense of speed. He was born in Motovun or, the passion project of a wealthy Istrian civil as it was known at the time, Montona, and engineer and wine connoisseur. The main he and his twin brother Aldo learned to race building was a municipal winery built in in karts down its steep and treacherously 1902 and has now been transformed into an cobbled streets. He now lives in an Italianate eclectic design hotel. My room features a Zero to 62mph takes just 4.5 mansion in Nazareth, Pennsylvania, called rather unusual leather-padded double-sized the Villa Montona in recognition of his bunk bed. For what reason, I cannot fathom. seconds, meaning you can roots. On learning that I was in Motovun, The manager suggests it caters for arguing overtake “less athletic traffic Mario told me I should check out a room in couples, or weird group fetish stuff. the town hall that’s dedicated to his family. The wallpaper is equally bold; 3D cubes in the short straight sections. “They know me there”, he says, as if that and vivid roses painted by Berlin-based artist With its lofty height and beefy weren’t obvious. Nora Turato. Suites in the building’s The thrilling scenic roads between modern extension have their floors, walls V8, you feel imperial. Motovun and Groznjan, which is packed
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Of course, the pièce de résistance of these food adventures comes with truffles on top, and after three days in Istria I was in danger of becoming a truffle myself. The servings on each course were generous to the point of force-feeding. Kinoba Mondo, atop Motovun, will completely cover your rib-eye steak with the stuff. And the most prestigious restaurant in the area, Zigante, just a few miles away, is owned by the biggest truffle exporter. Giancarlo Zigante became a local legend in 1999 when he and his dog Diana discovered a 1.31kg white truffle in Motovun Forest, putting him (and one hopes her) in the Guinness Book of Records. It was this that put the area on the map. From his kitchen arrives the finest course of the trip, citrus marinated sea bass with balsamic vinegar pearls and a weighty serving of black truffle. But I had come to Istria to hunt my own truffles and, with the G-Wagen’s 4WD system rivalled only by that of a Land Rover Defender, I had the ideal car to take to the valleys and search for very valuable fungi with the aid of some dogs. They still use pigs in some parts of France, but not in Italy or Istria. Unlike pigs, dogs need to be trained to sniff out the smell but they’re easier to look after and transport, and will rarely try to eat the treasure, unlike the truffle-loving hog. I go hunting with Ivan Karlic, whose grandfather founded the Karlic Tartufi in the 1960s and whose mother now runs the business. They employ a network of 250 freelance hunters and aim to collect 30-50kg a day. They export to 22 countries. Given the wholesale value of a kilo of black summer truffles fluctuates between £130-£500, and white truffles, which are found in the autumn, can go for up to £3,500 a kilo, it’s a profitable but unpredictable business. The dogs are an Italian breed of water retriever called Lagotto Romangnolo. Most are female, as they’re found to be more obedient and focused on the job. They take around three years to train, and one highly skilled mutt sold in Italy for nearly £15,000. Ours are called Istra, Dolly and Candy and From top: A plate of freshly picked, freshly grated truffle; The padded leather beds in the Roxanich hotel they spring from the G63’s boot and get straight to work. Within ten minutes they’ve found me the best souvenir I could take with medieval auberge, truffle emporiums produced and sipped in Istria for as long as home from Istria; it lies 20cm under an oak, and art galleries, are the perfect training the amphitheatre has been standing, and and Ivan hands me a small shovel called an ground for a wannabe grand prix pilot. was introduced by Celtic druids. On ‘otka’ to dig it up. Despite its weight, the G-Wagen is learning I’m a writer, they enthusiastically Dolly is rewarded and the G-Wagen hilarious fun to chuck around the bends, inform me that another scribe, and Celt, deserves praise too. Its permanent 4WD, and when the road opens up the thrust is used to live next door to the very café we’re featuring locking front, centre and rear addictive. Hit the gas and summon the in. James Joyce was in Pula in 1904 to earn differentials – controlled by three chunky Wagnerian Valkyries. The sound made by £2 a week teaching English, though it’s and satisfying buttons on the dash – made the eight pistons punching through the whispered conspiratorially, he may have short work of the tan-coloured mud and cylinders is like Anthony Joshua supplemented his wage working as a spy for gorges. The panting dogs climb back in and pummelling a speed bag. the Royal Navy. I have to shut the boot with force. No soft- I continue to the Adriatic coast. Pula is The fishing port of Rovinj is prettier than close or electric tailgate here. You have to the region’s main city and its architecture Pula and located further up the coast. The slam it like Vinnie Jones might against a tells the story of its varied rule, including medieval town sits on a headland packed geezer’s head. Again, it’s the character of Venetian, Austro-Hungarian and with tiny crammed-together houses that the thing. Yugoslavian; its most dramatic building is a drop down to the seafront, and its skyline is The G-Wagen is utterly unique. It’s idiotic, Roman amphitheatre, built in the First dominated by the baroque St Euphemia but hilarious; a tank crossed with a Century. Crowds of 20,000 would come to basilica. I lunch on the terrace of Puntulina, nightclub. Yet it has real off-road pedigree watch gladiator fights, but more recent acts a highly-recommended seafood restaurant, and oodles of prestige, meaning the transfer include Björk, Sting and David Gilmour. before trekking back into the countryside to between Croatian truffle forest and Some locals invite me to join them for a Meneghetti, makers of what has been hailed Michelin-starred restaurant is effortless. No biska, a mistletoe brandy that’s been the world’s best olive oil, for a tasting session. wonder hungry oligarchs love it.
XX63 064 FPA 23 MAY 2019_Layout 1 30/05/2019 18:04 Page 1 065 Travel 23 May 2019_Layout 2 30/05/2019 17:57 Page 1 TRAVEL FIGHT OR FLIGHT COSTA RICA A LOT OF YACHT When flying fills you with dread, The birthplace of eco-tourism is a We take a 7,620 horsepower can hypnotherapy help? – P66 biologist’s playground – P70 sports yacht for a joyride – P76
TO THE VICTOR, THE SPOILS Enter Victorinox, the company most storage while allowing you to walk straight If you’re a frequent flyer, good luggage isn’t famous for making pocket knives for the past baggage reclaim. It also comes with just a luxury, it’s a necessity. A decent Swiss army, and also for its incredible reinforced zips and a Travel Sentry approved suitcase helps you arrive at your destination suitcases. The Lexicon Hardside Global combination lock, as well as an interior with a semblance of order, not to mention a Carry-On pictured above is packed with pocket for a portable power pack for dash of style. And sure, you could rock up to features designed to let you hit the ground charging your gadgets. And with the your hotel with a full compliment of Louis running when you touch down, like the metallic polycarbonate shell, you’ll look the Vuitton holdalls, but the savvy traveller opts “super-recessed” wheels, which cut into the part, too. for practicality over bling every time. lower portion of the case, maximising the £ £395, victorinox.com
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TRAVEL
NIGHTMARE AT , FEET Can hypnotherapy cure a fear of flying? DOUGIE GERRARD puts down the Xanax and sets off in search of answers
haven’t always been an anxious person. In myself to describing what I consider my magnum fact, I was an utterly fearless child, with a opus; a festival of stupidity and humiliation, spread predilection for dumb and dangerous across one ridiculous week in December. stunts, like doing somersaults off the roof It began during Thanksgiving, which I had of our garden shed. I can’t identify exactly arranged to spend in Seattle with a friend who was when my outlook shifted, but somewhere studying abroad in Vancouver. I missed my first in the crucible of puberty and secondary flight – standard – but was able to get on one the Ischool a profoundly neurotic fear of illness and death following day, and spent a lovely week meandering wormed its way into my psyche. I don’t somersault off around the Pacific Northwest. The real problem arose sheds anymore, not since I discovered how fragile when my return flight left Seattle-Tacoma airport necks are. Every headache is now a potential with me still lingering in the departure lounge. I was aneurysm, every chest pain a myocardial infarction, already exploring the outer edges of my student and I once became briefly petrified that I had found a loan; if I booked and missed a third flight I wouldn’t vast tumorous lump in my chest, only for it to turn have been able to afford my next term in Austin. My out that I was actually fondling my rib. options almost exhausted, I booked the only My hypochondria is nothing, however, compared to remaining transport that would get me back in time the extremity of my fear of flying. I never enjoyed air- for my exams: a sixty-six hour bus trip, taking me travel, but until three years ago I was able to grit my from the very top of America to a city close to its teeth and get through it without much complaint. I southernmost tip. don’t know what changed, or why, but over the course On the face of it, this doesn’t necessarily sound so of a summer what had previously been a minor bad – trace the route on Google Maps, and it could be neurosis suddenly metastasized into something wild a wicked West Coast road trip. But I didn’t have any and unmanageable. friends with me, I didn’t have any hot food or wi-fi, Unfortunately, this happened just as I was and the intricacies of my bus schedule (six inhumanly preparing to begin a study abroad year in Austin, tight changes) didn’t allow for any breaks longer than Texas. Over the next twelve months my aviophobia an hour. I had Candy Crush and a novel I’d just wreaked havoc: I missed around half a dozen flights, finished and one episode of Football Weekly. It was, in the process running up a parental debt that I’ll unquestionably, the worst three days of my life. probably be paying off for longer than my student Of all the flights I took that year, only one was free loan. There are lots of tales I could regale you with from anxiety or fear. It was my final return flight to from that year – the time I necked a whole bottle of St the UK, and I was acutely aware that my visa was John’s Wort because I couldn’t find my Benzos, for expiring in a few days’ time. Keen not to become an instance – but for the sake of brevity I will limit illegal immigrant in the US, I took what
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I will describe only as an inadvisably confident that he’s fixed me, even offering a large amount of Xanax; far more than I’d 50 per cent refund if it fails. taken on any previous flight. Even if I’m still unable to fly, having Initially, it didn’t seem to be working. But hypnotherapy did at least change how I as the plane took off, I felt a glorious calm I don’t know much about the think about my fear. The commonest refrain descend upon me, as if I were being floated you hear about aviophobia is that it is back to London on an enormous fluffy rest of the journey, except illogical, the triumph of animal impulse over cloud. This is great, I thought to myself. I that at some“ point I must’ve scientific rationality, but I’m no longer sure love flying. And then I passed out, having that’s entirely correct. It’s certainly true that finally found the Xanax dosage strong been given my in-flight meal, you’re more likely to die falling out of your enough to counteract the amount of because I woke up with bed than on a plane, but stats like this don’t adrenaline coursing through my body. I tell the whole story. As James pointed out to don’t know much about the rest of the melon all down myself me, there is something profoundly, journey, except that at some point I must’ve irreducibly weird about flying. It’s worth been given my in-flight meal, because I phobic emotions, allowing you to observe remembering that it’s only been a hundred- woke up with melon all down my front. your fear from the outside (and, or-so years since the first successful flight; in Unfortunately, ingesting a medically presumably, see how silly it really looks). little more than a century we have gone dangerous amount of Xanax is not a long- Initially, Havening didn’t seem to be from gawping stupidly at the skies to term solution, and my aviophobia has if affecting me much, and eventually I started hurtling through them at ridiculous speeds. anything worsened since I returned from to wonder whether I was doing it wrong. It Perhaps aviophobia is just our way of the US two years ago. Lately, I have been was only towards the end of the session, reckoning with the sheer psychic finding this situation almost unbearable, when James briefly hypnotised me, that I strangeness of this shift. and so in an effort to remedy it I recently began to feel it working. Ordinarily, Ultimately, however, correctly arranged a hypnotherapy session with thinking about flying makes me intensely understanding aviophobia isn’t especially James Mallinson, who co-runs the nervous, but under hypnosis I was able important to me; the aim is to get rid of it, enormously successful therapeutic apprehend the feeling of flight from a or at least to blunt it enough that I can programme Fix My Mind. position of extraordinary calm. At James’ always be confident of catching planes. At the centrepiece of James’ therapeutic command, I would imagine myself on There is a lot that I want to see in the approach is a technique called Havening, planes, but without simultaneously world, and almost all of it requires flying. which involves crossing your arms as if imagining them exploding or crashing into Plus, I’ve never been especially keen on warding off a vampire, and then buildings. It was a strange, de-centering Britain – I’ve always appreciated it most rhythmically rubbing them while intoning experience; I suddenly felt very far away from a distance of a few thousand miles – the name of the phobic emotion you are from my body, as if I were peering at it and the idea that I will be marooned here trying to purge. There is a dual theory through the wrong end of a telescope. for the rest of my stupid life is too behind Havening: first, it is intended to Because I haven’t flown since our session, depressing a prospect to bear. So let’s hope simulate the sensation of being hugged, I don’t yet know whether the hypnotherapy James has fixed me, and that Havening making you feel warm and fuzzy and worked. I deeply, profoundly want it to actually does work. But if you see a guy in releasing lovely comforting serotonin into have, though I find it difficult to check my the Heathrow departure lounge popping your brain. It is also supposed to unlink the scepticism, having been burnt so many endless Xanax and furiously rubbing his subject of the phobia from the attendant times. For his part, James seems pretty arms, please be nice to him.
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FREQUENT FLYER SCARLET WINTERBERG CAN NEEDLES CURE JET LAG? Our aviation expert investigates the world of mineral-packed IV drips and light-therapy sessions aimed at ending the scourge of jet lag
e all want to be superhuman, industry – despite being the ones administering it, but too often our weaknesses even the airlines are weighing in. Japan’s ANA, for get the better of us. While example, is launching its own anti-jet lag app this I’ve always been able to spring to encourage people to take longer flights. endure long shifts at the Developed in partnership with sleep advancement office, jet lag is my Achilles startup Neurospace, it will work with passengers to heel. I can relax into my seat design sleep schedules before and after flying to help Wfeeling bright-eyed and bushy-tailed yet still arrive on them adapt to wherever they’re landing. the other side of the world a shuffling zombie. Singapore Airlines, meanwhile, has teamed up with However, these days might be numbered – there is America's Canyon Ranch health retreats to create so- rumour of a panacea on the market. It might not be called jet lag-fighting meals, including courgette pasta cheap, but who cares? If it takes away the nausea and with seared chicken, for its near-19 hour flight from fatigue I get after a long flight, then I will pay Singapore to New York (officially the world’s longest whatever it costs. route). Many modern planes, like the Dreamliner and The only problem is, it involves needles, which I also A350, also have better air filtration systems and blue don’t like. I came across the treatment when I walked mood lighting to set the scene for sleep. in on a colleague who was seeing a nurse on his lunch Qantas has been even more pro-active since break. He’d just come back from Beijing and, despite launching its ultra-long-haul flights from Perth to having flown business, was feeling less than refreshed London last year (a nonstop 17 hour journey). With (not everyone can sleep on planes, even with a fully flat guidance from the University of Sydney’s Charles bed). He was sitting at his desk with an IV drip in his Perkins Centre, travellers at its lounge in Perth arm. I was curious. benefit from “anti-jet lag lighting” (the brighter the It turns out there are quite a number of companies better, apparently, to “kick-start the adjustment of in London that offer curative intravenous drips people’s body clocks”), stretching classes, an outdoor targeted at jet lagged professionals. Reviv opened its barbecue terrace (fresh air helps), light therapy flagship clinic on Great Portland Street in November, showers and a spa zone with hydrating face masks. and sells various “enhanced Myers Cocktails” On board, the menu lists probiotic green juice such as the Megaboost (£199), which is shots, Kombucha, and tuna poke salads to loaded with Vitamin C, minerals, “boost your metabolism”. antioxidants and electrolytes for For a generation obsessed with self delivery via the vein. US company care, all this is a long time coming; it’s the IV Doc’s Jet Lag Relief IV not as if jet lag is a new problem. But Hydration package costs £419 but while I appreciate airlines trying to will be administered at your make long-haul flying that bit office, home or hotel. Even the healthier, I can’t help thinking Ned hotel has IV they should scrap the drips for jet lag prawn ceviche and (£199) at its on-site cut straight to mid-air Elixir Clinic. IV drips. I confess I am a little £ Scarlet Winterberg is a sceptical as to their efficacy, seasoned business traveller. There’s but there’s no lack of nothing she likes more than sipping investment going into this nascent champagne while she’s a mile high.
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A TALE OF TWO OCEANS Sandwiched between the Pacific and the Atlantic, Costa Rica may be the birthplace of eco-tourism. SOPHIE IBBOTSON visits one of the most biologically diverse places on the planet.
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Above: Two of the world’s six species of sloth can be found in Costa Rica; Main: Playa Hermosa, in Guanacaste province
nce upon a time, I took a beach holiday to Dubai. The searing, unrelenting heat; the strip of red raw sunburn in an unreachable spot between my shoulder blades; the boredom so intense that even the mindless vanilla attractions of Othe shopping malls seemed appealing – it made me swear I’d never do it again. Vacation time is precious, not to be wasted sitting in the sun. It was with surprise, then, that I found myself bound for Costa Rica with no intention of visiting the extraordinary national parks of the country’s interior; my week away was to be split between the Pacific and Caribbean coasts. I’d entrusted Journeysmiths to build me an itinerary, and was now fully committed to it. Little Costa Rica — politically stable, sparsely populated, and the world leader in ecotourism — has some of the most progressive environmental policies in the world. More than 98 per cent of its energy needs come from renewable sources, and it’s the only country to meet all five of UNDP’s criteria for environmental sustainability. This is surely the antithesis of Dubai and other overdeveloped beach destinations, so I was curious how Costa Ricans balance their priceless natural ecosystems with the influx of tourists desperate to witness them first-hand. When is a beach stay not just a beach stay? When the beach backs onto the jungle. Guanacaste is significantly greener than it is sandy. On the hour-long drive from the airport to Cala Luna — Moon Cove — in Tamarindo, the suburbia of Liberia quickly gave way to dense forest and occasional glimpses of the ocean. The volcanic peaks of the Cordillera de Guanacaste rose up above the tree canopy in the distance to mingle with the clouds. Cala Luna, as the name suggests, is carved out from Costa Rica’s Pacific coastline, and you can surf, snorkel, and stand up paddle board straight from the beach. Dozy after a sleepless flight, however, I was content to sit on the terrace listening to the persistent buzzing
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of hummingbirds zipping here and there, damningly ugly and not just a little bit your hand. They often need help to get and watching a languid iguana stretching scary, though apparently they only eat fish. down to the water from the nest. itself in the sun. On arrival I’d been warned As the light faded and the water turned It’s only half a day’s drive to cross Costa to keep the screens on the doors and pinkish orange, then deep red, and finally Rica from coast to coast, but if you’re short windows shut; howler monkey have no black, we sat upon the beach at Playa of time then a number of domestic airlines boundaries, and delight in causing total Grande. Even in the gloom, it was clear that cover the most popular short hops. I was chaos when they get indoors. the surface was shifting. From October to headed for the Cahuita National Park, In Guanacaste, Costa Rica’s jungle and May, vulnerable leatherback turtles come where the protected, wonderfully coastal ecosystems collide. I wanted to ashore here to lay their eggs. It’s the biggest underdeveloped beaches open out onto explore the exact point where the land nesting colony on the Pacific coast. Fully some of the best dive sites in the Caribbean. meets the water, best seen in the Las Baulas grown, leatherbacks are the largest reptiles Regretfully, I’m not (yet) a diver, but in National Marine Park. Half of it is under after crocodiles, but their soft shelled good weather the water surrounding water; the rest is beach and mangrove hatchlings will fit neatly within the palm of Cahuita’s 600 hectares of coral reef is swamp. Stripped down to not a lot, but perfectly clear for snorkelling. It’s estimated meticulously coated with sunscreen and that there are around 500 species of fish on bug spray, I inelegantly lowered myself into the reef, plus turtles, lobsters, and sea a kayak behind my chattering guide. cucumbers. There are some restrictions as to Paddling through the mangroves, which where you can swim, snorkel, and dive — for not only protect the coast from storm Waterbirds eyed us the latter two you have to be accompanied damage but also sequester huge amounts of by a guide — to protect the reef from CO2, everywhere I looked there was suspiciously but went about damage and to ensure the turtle nesting something moving, something calling out. their fishing.“ Monkeys sites are undisturbed. Waterbirds eyed us suspiciously but went Out of the water and drying off in the about their fishing. Monkeys scattered scattered leaves and afternoon sun, I hiked the short coastal trail leaves and discarded fruit from high discarded fruit from high between the park’s Kelly Creek and Puerto branches into the water. And every now and Vargas ranger stations. As in Guanacaste, then we came across a small caiman, branches into the water the jungle comes within metres of the
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Left: The secluded beach cove of Cala Luna; Above: Snorkellers and divers alike can enjoy the sight of leatherback turtles swimming off the shore; Below: Sunset over the Pacific Ocean at Tamarindo beach
ocean, with only a narrow strip of sand to divide them. The water was calm, and though I knew it was far from empty, there seemed a great contrast between this wide, open space where I could see effortlessly to the horizon, and the almost impenetrable tangle of branches, trunks, and roots that made a physical barrier at my back. Where the trails did cut through the trees, I felt swallowed up by the mass of vegetation, not claustrophobic so much as cocooned. A white nosed coati eyeballed me on the path, standing its ground for a moment before darting away. I lost count of the number of birds, their streaks of rainbow coloured plumage or bills standing out starkly against the green. The beach was right there when I wanted it; but it was Costa Rica’s jungle that left me truly enthralled.
£ Journeysmiths (journeysmiths.co.uk; 01604 637332) offers a seven night luxury Above and right: Costa Rica boasts incredible holiday in Costa Rica from £2,985 per person. biodiversity, from capuchin monkeys and iguana, to This includes international flights and colourful scarlet macaw parrots accommodation.
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ALL HANDS ON DECK Welcome aboard the Amore Mio, a 7,620 horsepower luxury sports yacht with more toys than Hamleys Words: ADAM HAY-NICHOLLS
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uxury journalism: It won’t make me a Spacious harbours and local expertise remain, and an billionaire, but I do get to act like one advantageous tax rate was implemented, which makes on occasion. The 45-metre Amore Mio it an excellent place to stow a superyacht. is one of the largest and most My taxi driver was unsure of where to go when we powerful ‘sports’ yachts in the world, arrived at the harbour. Just look for the biggest boat, I and it isn’t available for charter. told him. There are, of course, megayachts that are Instead, its owner – who shall remain much larger than the Amore Mio. Lürssen’s Azzam, namelessL but, predictably, he’s Russian and in energy owned by the president of the UAE, measures a – and shipbuilder Heesen have invited me aboard to bewildering 180m. But few cut through the water road test all its toys and gain insight into the lifestyle with such élan as the Heesen, thanks to its aggressive of a man who has everything. and efficient semi-displacement aluminium hull and I’m equally fascinated, though, in the captain of ‘knuckle’ bow. Her twin engines produce a combined this £33m gin palace. American Tripp Hock was 7,620 horsepower. Top speed is 30 knots and she has a working in finance in New York City and, like so many range of 2,750 nautical miles. workers stuck in an office cube, had a photo of The sportiness doesn’t compromise space. There are turquoise seas on his computer desktop. But the push five guest cabins, including the spacious and light- to move from the comfortable world of banking to filled master suite in the nose. There’s crewing was, to say the least, rather uncomfortable: accommodation for seven crew, with the captain Then he got gored in Pamplona during the Running of getting his own cabin. The interior is warm, the Bulls. It made him realise you only live once. contemporary and sophisticated, using book-matched The Amore Mio is moored in Malta, so I fly into Canaletto walnut veneer, Breccia Perlato marble, Loro Valletta and check into the Phoenicia, the capital’s Piana fabrics, polished steel columns and sanded original and grandest five-star hotel. Malta has been glass. There are four outdoor spaces: the sun deck, tending to seafaring vessels for 3,000 years. In the 19th main aft deck, fore deck and lower deck. The 90 sq m century it became a British colony, but chose sun deck is perfect for yoga and al fresco dining, and independence in 1964 and in 1979 the Royal Navy boasts a stainless steel BBQ the size of a hatchback. withdrew from the large base it had built here. We sail out of the marina to St Elmo Bay, flanked
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Above: The Amore Mio keeps two 350bhp jet skis under the deck; Right: The yacht also has four handheld Seabobs, for a spot of underwater exploration.
by the sand-coloured Medieval walled city owner is very busy, Captain Tripp and the and St John’s co-cathedral to one side and crew have the boat to themselves most of the baroque Fort Manoel – which took the time and Tripp has become a highly considerable bombardment in WWII – to skilled flyboard rider. The flyboard has two the other, emerging in the Mediterranean The Amore Mio comes boots with bindings and waterjets on the and taking a northerly course for the bottom. The water is propelled through a sparsely populated Gozo Island. with a six-metre long hose connected to one of the jet skis. Captain Tripp puts the power down and Boesch mahogany It’s rather tricky to maintain balance, but I the Amore Mio leaves a thick stripe of “ managed to rise a few metres from the whitewater in its wake. tender, two 350bhp jet surface for, well, at least a few seconds. Dutch yacht-builder Heesen turns 40 this This, and the actual sailing of the yacht, year, and still specialises in speed and skis, four handheld are Tripp’s favourite parts of the job, but it’s innovation. The first yacht it launched was Seabobs and a flyboard not all holiday. Superyacht owners are 20m, and there have been another 170 since. demanding people. To work here you need Last year they built the world’s first hybrid- advise clients who have the means but to be a constant concierge and a powered fast displacement yacht. maybe not the time and expertise to chart a perfectionist. Also, things on boats are ‘Yacht’ is, in fact, a Dutch word. It’s course through the lengthy and complex always breaking, technical problems need derived from ‘hunt’ – to hunt pirates, acquisitions and build process. Some boats sorting, there’s accounting and budgeting, specifically – but these days it refers to are built to order, others on speculation; staffing, handling coast guards, customs pleasure craft, and Amore Mio fulfils the which means if someone wants a yacht right and immigration, lots of paper work and remit. It has a cinema and a plunge pool on here, right now, they needn’t wait three cheques to write. board, but the things I’m most interested years. That was the case with Amore Mio. Overall, managing a 360 tonne £33m in are kept under the deck: a gorgeous six- Heesen is building nine yachts at any one yacht is a lot of responsibility. “It’s coming metre Boesch mahogany tender, two time, and a third of those are on spec. It’s at me from all angles. The driving is one per 350bhp jet skis, four handheld Seabobs so very strategic. cent of the job,” he says. “Still, it sure beats you can motor across the ocean and down to Part of the job is ensuring the yacht is working in a bank.” the depths like a dolphin, a large inflatable crammed with every gadget imaginable. slide that is hung from the top deck, and – “This boat, in particular, is all about water £ The Phoenicia Malta most exciting of all – a flyboard. toys,” says Tripp. “I play this game where if Rates from €250 (approx. £205) per room per Captain Tripp holds the title of Owner’s you can name a toy I don’t have, I’ll give you night, including breakfast. To find out more Representative, meaning he plays a key role a euro. I’ve never given a euro to anyone.” and to book visit campbellgrayhotels.com/ in what materialises in the shipyard. He’ll As the Amore Mio isn’t for hire, and its the-phoenicia-malta or call 0800 8620 025
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XX79 080 FPA 23 MAY 2019_Layout 1 30/05/2019 13:58 Page 1 081 Living 23 May 2019_Layout 2 30/05/2019 14:38 Page 1 LIVING ROOMS AT THE INN LOST RIVERS OFFICE SPACE Open plan is so 2018 – find out why We explore the network of under- A peek inside the luxe new Uncommon separate spaces are all the rage again ground waterways riddling the capital co-working space at Liverpool Street
TELLING A NEW STORY Built to US housing standards, the single the technology, and open it up to other non- Can we 3D print homelessness out of storey 600-800sqft home is the first 3D profits and governments around the world, existence? That’s the question New Story, a printed house in the States, and New Story in order to help them tackle housing charity based in the USA, is trying to solve hopes to produce a community of them in shortages in their own countries. right now. And it thinks it just might have the future for impoverished families. “Imagine if we could slash the cost and the answer... To date, the non-profit has built more time it takes to build a home while Pictured above is its first 3D printed house than 1,500 homes for people who live in improving quality and customisation,” says in Austin, Texas, created in 24 hours for less inadequate housing conditions in Haiti, El New Story’s Alexandria Lafci. “This 3D home than $4,000. New Story worked with Icon, a Salvador, Mexico and Bolivia, using money printer has that potential. We are not company based in the same city, to develop a from online donations, private donors and building this technology for New Story, we printer especially for the job named Vulcan II venture capitalists. are building it for the world.” - and the technology is even available to buy. Now, it aims to work with Icon to update £ Visit newstorycharity.org to find out more.
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STEINWAY BLACK DIAMOND MACASSAR £POA, EU.STEINWAY.COM Nobody makes pianos quite like Steinway & Sons, and this limited edition Black Diamond instrument in ebony macassar finish would make the ultimate centre-piece for any musical home.
VANTOT V-V-V LIGHTS STUDIO SABINE MARCELIS TOTEM LIGHTS £POA, VANTOT.COM £13,750 EACH, 1STDIBS.CO.UK These intricate, wire-hung lighting modules are the Dutch designer Sabine Marcelis combines art and creations of Dutch design duo Esther Jongsma and home furnishings in these wonderful, translucent resin Sam van Gurp, who work under the brand Vantot. We floor lamps. Each limited edition piece is hand made by think they look like little rowers, viewed from above. Sabine in her Rotterdam studio.
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NAIM MU-SO 2ND GENERATION cabinet design is an evolution of the retro aesthetic of its £1,299, NAIMAUDIO.COM predecessor, but under the hood are a series of modern Salisbury-based hi-fi manufacturer Naim has no less functionality upgrades. than 45 years of audio engineering expertise under its High-resolution streaming from services like TIDAL and belt. Now the company has brought that half-century of Spotify, as well as synchronised multiroom music and knowledge to bear in designing the second generation television connectivity combine in this neat and of its flagship Mu-so wireless music system. The classic unobtrusive all-in-one speaker setup.
MADE.COM BALICO RUG the unsung heros of the textile world. In line with the £249, MADE.COM bold, geometric prints dominating Milan’s Salone del After years of no-nonsense, unadorned hardwood Mobile furniture fair, Made.com has released a number floors to complement your industrial-chic home decor, of daring designs, including the unusual little number we’re finally seeing the return of the humble rug. Noise- above, which is sure to breath life into even the most dampening and squishy under bare feet, these truly are austere of spaces.
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The Calico student accommodation in Liverpool, which is designed around discrete spaces GET A ROOM London’s love affair with open plan design is over. Now walls are making a unexpected comeback. Words: MELISSA YORK
hey say the personal is political, and this is certainly the case when it comes to walls. “Build the wall” may be the mantra of followers of President Donald Trump, but an increasing number of us now want to erect barriers in our own homes. TIt’s hard to overstate how ubiquitous open plan layouts have been in contemporary domestic architecture. A couple of decades ago, the concept simply meant ‘no doors’, placing archways as passageways through a living space instead. Eventually, open plan has come to mean ‘no walls’, breaking down the strict functionality of rooms, and encouraging uncouth behaviour like TV dinners and working in the bedroom. Home design website Houzz says there are over 2,400 discussions on its forum with the title ‘open plan help’, and the trend has swept the globe. In Germany, more than 60 per cent of Houzz’s users said they preferred open plan living to separated rooms (or ‘closed plan’, if you prefer) and in places where the weather is better such as Australia, one in four said they’ve extended their kitchens into the garden to create an outdoor dining space. Quite apart from lifestyle concerns, open plan layouts also make economic sense to private developers looking to maximise space (and profit) in large cities. Frankly, walls are expensive to build or knock down during renovations. Open plan layouts also give a greater impression of space when prospective homeowners walk into a flat, making apartments with a less-than-generous square footage easier to sell. “In apartments smaller than 300sqm, an [open- plan] solution is more than rational,” says Russian architect Alexandra Fedorova. “In Russia many of us grew up in small apartments with tiny kitchens, and people desire new standards of living.” Traditionally, Mediterranean homes have shied away from open plan layouts, which are not seen as family friendly, but fashions changed after television beamed American and British apartments into their homes; perhaps most famously the loft apartment in Friends. Historically, the more rooms you had, the more tax you’d pay, and asking a person how many rooms there were in their house was akin to rifling through their wallet. You won’t find an open plan stately home, largely because rooms were defined by class and function. Staff quarters were separated from family quarters by entire floors and ladies were often confined to a drawing room (full name ‘withdrawing room’) while men put the world to rights over a whisky in the library. The
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Echoey acoustics, poor heat retention and too much light are just a few of the disadvantages of open plan spaces, unlike the one above, with its half-height dividing wall
narrowing of class and gender divides have psychology, which explains why we feel literally torn down the walls. Open plan comfortable in spaces that feel like a cave. layouts are, quite simply, convenient for You’re protected from behind but you can see modern families with no cooks or nannies, as out to what’s going on. If you relate that back they allow parents to make dinner and keep You can work better in a to an open plan space, you see how people on eye on what the kids are watching on can feel lost.” YouTube at the same time. dedicated work space and Cleaver has incorporated this human-first But where there’s ubiquity, there’s sleep better in a dedicated design philosophy in high end student mediocrity, and in some cases open plan “ accommodation Calico, one of the biggest layouts have started to seem like a lazy way to sleeping space student-oriented residential buildings in the sell studio apartments rather than an country. Located in Liverpool, Calico was a innovative design solution. More and more and sleep better in a dedicated sleeping space. joint effort between Cleaver’s studio and high end developers are advertising Other benefits include heating, with is much developer Niveda Realty. In it, there’s unconventional layouts as a luxury, to get easier in an enclosed space and more energy 10,000sqft of communal space that Cleaver away from the ‘cookie-cutter’ one-size-fits-all efficient than heating a wide open space, and her team have broken down into a series aesthetic that denotes bulk building and meaning closed plan flats can be more of rooms with half-height walls, so the thoughtless design. environmentally friendly and cheaper to run. students feel enclosed in the kitchen, cinema, Perhaps this is why there’s been a renewed Privacy and lack of storage are also issues in or study areas, while being able to see interest in stately home conversions by some open plan spaces, with fewer walls often glimpses of the other rooms. “It’s almost like of the biggest housebuilders in the country. resulting in fewer shelves and cupboards. It’s a little city,” says Cleaver, “We’re creating the Hampstead Manor, for instance, is a collection also much easier to foster a sense of cosiness opportunity for people to feel alone in of converted heritage properties, and Fitzroy in an enclosed space – essential in cold communal spaces without being lonely.” Gate, developed by St James in Richmond, countries – and there’s such a thing as too This leads us to the latest domestic boasts ‘separate drawing rooms and dining much natural light. Evolutionary biology- architectural trend: broken plan. This rooms’ as part of its ‘high specification’ to influenced interior design, for example, employs half walls, steps, internal windows appeal to wealthy buyers with families. attempts to curate the dappled light and and split levels to break spaces up. Quite apart from wanting to get with the changing quality of sunshine you find in “There are so many ways to integrate a zeitgeist, there are many lifestyle boosts to nature, something that’s far more difficult in broken plan approach, some would involve living behind walls. “Acoustics are a huge a wide open space with floor-to-ceiling an architect – sliding doors and walls, benefit in rooms,” says Naomi Cleaver, a windows. Easy ways to achieve this are adding mixed levels and half walls,” says Victoria notable interior designer. “When my husband low-level lighting to a lounge area, or task Harrison, editor at Houzz.co.uk. “But there and I bought our first home, a loft apartment lighting to a reading spot. are also ways to separate zones and give the in Shoreditch, we thought it’d be really “An open plan living space can drastically space a broken plan feel without major groovy to keep it open plan. At the time, I increase the amount of natural light within a building works.” This might include didn’t realise my husband shouted so much space,” says Michah Sarut of Inter Urban commissioning a furniture maker to create at the television when the football was on; we Studios. “So tactically placed artificial a bespoke piece for the space, such as a soon decided rooms would be a really good lighting can be used to divide a room, with corner sofa or a shelving unit that acts as idea. As an interior designer, I thought I was directed spotlights, strip lighting, lamps or both storage and room divider. Utility being quite radical not having any walls, but floor lighting creating pockets of variety.” cupboards and feature staircases can also it turns out there are reasons why people “There’s a Finnish architect called Juhani divide rooms up as well as walls. have built walls for millennia.” Pallasmaa who famously said that too much Though we won’t sound the death knell for Though it may be stating the obvious, it’s a light can debilitate the imagination,” says open plan layouts just yet, the shocking truth truth many have forgotten in recent decades: Cleaver. “There’s a concept called ‘prospect is that some people just like walls, and we’ll you can work better in a dedicated work space and retreat’ that comes from evolutionary have to learn to get along with them.
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The Help to Buy* scheme enables you to buy a new home with a 5% deposit. You’ll need to take out a 75% mortgage on your new home and the remaining 20% will be funded by a government loan.
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THE BEST OF LONDON LIVING
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*Terms and conditions apply. Please speak to a sales advisor for further details on Help to Buy and Help to Buy London. Offer currently available on selected homes available for reservations that lead to a legal completion by 31st May 2019 and not available in conjunction with any other offer. Stamp duty paid does not include the 3% SDLT surcharge payable for additional homes from 1st April 2016. Distances taken from Google Maps. Street scene photography. Digital illustration is indicative only. Pricing correct on 13.05.19. Crest Nicholson Operations Limited, Crest House, Pyrcroft Road, Chertsey, KT16 9GN. Registered Company Number: 1168311 YOUR HOME MAY BE REPOSSESSED IF YOU DO NOT KEEP UP REPAYMENTS ON YOUR MORTGAGE OR ANY DEBT SECURED ON IT. 088-090 Office space 23 May 2019_Layout 2 30/05/2019 14:10 Page 1
LIVING
The space makes use of natural tones and offers 360 degree views across the City
Uncommon features a number of chill-out areas where members can work in a relaxed environment
he new generation of working spaces for tech OFFICE SPACE: start-ups, design agencies, and marketing firms are often a strange combination of minimalist chic and infantilising play-pen. Glass Tpartitions and industrial-style lighting reside UNCOMMON next to bean-bags, inflatable toys and pinball machines. One office we visited recently housed a life-size llama in the lobby. Co-working spaces are an increasingly popular solution Uncommon, the four-year-old co-working for small and medium-sized companies. There are company that’s just opened a 10-storey development at Liverpool Street, is not like many mid-market options, but Uncommon, which just this. As you walk through the main entrance you’re greeted by a site-specific opened its fourth site at Liverpool Street, is as luxe as sculpture by contemporary artist Marcus they get. Words: STEVE DINNEEN; Photos: GREG SIGSTON Lyall, which reacts to your heartbeat with
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LED lights and projections. and share ideas. promotes focus, with no lyrics (“your brain Entering the 7th floor communal area is “We also wanted to stay true to the colour dedicates some of its bandwidth to like walking into the lobby of a five star palette of the neighbouring properties; the identifying the words, even if you don’t hotel – polished marble and raw wood copper tones mimic those in Liverpool realise you’re listening”), while in the bar furniture combine with copper-coloured Street station, for instance. I was pleased to and coffee shop the music is a little more velvet and a forest of greenery to give a see that Milan Design Week this year was invigorating. There are four radio channels sophisticated, contemporary feel. Windows full of copper and terracotta tones, so we’re altogether, and the music that starts your circling the building offer views of the City right on trend. We chose natural colours week on Monday will be different to that throughout the ages, from Portland stone and the design is full of curvature without which finishes it off on Friday afternoon. churches to modern palaces of glass and many sharp edges. We wanted to create a Even the smell has been engineered in steel. sense of flow.” tandem with psychologists. The lobby has an “We’ve taken lessons from the hospitality Every design choice in this 43,000sqft aroma of vanilla and cinnamon, which industry,” says Tania Adir, co-founder of development has been made with apparently improves your creativity (and Uncommon and the woman behind the productivity in mind, says Adir. Nothing is makes you hungry), while the work spaces site’s design vision. “The space is lifestyle incidental. The ambient electronic music have a zestier fragrance. and experience-led. We wanted to create a has been specially curated and varies Each of Uncommon’s four offices have 360 private members’ club feel, somewhere that depending on the purpose of the space – in degree windows, which Adir says is her top would encourage people to work together the hot-desking areas there’s music that priority when considering a site,
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alongside having its own private entrance. Of 150 buildings considered for the development, only a handful met her criteria. Uncommon’s Head of Plants tends to some 900 varieties of plant and tree, including a 5.5m ficus that emerges from a chill-out area near the breakfast bar and towers over the hot-desking stations on the floor above. “He sat in the lobby for six weeks waiting to be craned into the building, but eventually we had to just carry him up,” explains Adir. “The plants reduce stress, improve productivity and improve air quality.” That crane did eventually arrive, closing off Bishopsgate for a weekend while vast blocks of marble were winched into the sky, something Adir admits was “logistically challenging”. One metres-long table (pictured right) is hewn from a single piece of 400-year-old poplar; you can see where the £120m Uncommon raised from investors in 2016 has been spent. Perhaps the most Silicon Valley-esque feature are the relaxation pods, where workers can draw the curtains, hunker down on sculpted benches and get some shut-eye. Alternatively they can curate their own soothing lightshow on the curtains using programmable hidden LEDs. The health and wellness centre also features space for yoga, pilates and stretching classes, which will be hosted by professional trainers. Weather permitting, these can be shifted to the outdoor terrace, one of the most impressive elevated spaces in the City, featuring a two metre fireplace and yet more greenery. During the summer you can order cocktails from the bar and plan your next strategy meeting while basking in the sun. Uncommon plans to partner with local businesses to host events, including tastings with Borough Wine and snacks courtesy of artisanal producers. There are also plans to hold a silent disco – where a DJ plays music for a room full of people wearing wireless headphones – so members can get their groove on without disturbing those who are A table in one of Uncommon’s social areas carved from a single piece of 400-year-old poplar wood still hard at work. “We want to add value for members and long periods, but for the brain to function at trade, she bought up office space in promote networking,” says Adir. “Clients its best it needs different stimulation. Highbury and Islington with the intention have said they love how our spaces get There’s research that’s been done into how of converting it into apartments, only for people talking to one another when they people of our generation [millennials] find it the project to get mired in red tape. She would once have sat in silence. Activity- very satisfying to have between six and eight changed strategy and Uncommon was born. based working was a big consideration. We seating options – fewer is boring and more For those interested in dipping a toe into all have our desks where we tend to sit for feels a bit intimidating. This is different the Uncommon waters, day-passes for hot- from the older generation who tend to desking are available for as little as £40, prefer fewer options. So generational while longer-term tenants can hire space changes have informed our design choices.” on leases as short as three months. While the spread of industries at Uncommon will custom-design the offices Uncommon is wide, it does tend to attract of more permanent residents, allowing fintech start-ups, marketing firms and businesses to sculpt their space according design agencies, as well as several aerospace to their needs. Shared spaces for smaller firms. Most permanent tenants are 30 to 40- outfits include meeting rooms of various strong companies aged around eight years. sizes set up with the latest AV equipment, “There’s been a shift in how companies which members can hire to show off their view the workspace. They are looking for PowerPoint skills. something different today than they were I visited Uncommon during its soft- even five years ago. A lot of businesses want launch, and it was already dotted with to appeal to different types of employee, members tapping away on Macbooks or perhaps to build their digital reach, and see sipping flat whites from earthenware cups. this environment as a way of attracting Even a the most ardent of office psychology those types of people. We see it as almost a skeptics would have to admit that there’s merging of residential and commercial. We something about this ultra-fine-tuned want it to feel as homely as possible – we environment that’s conducive to just getting spend so much time at work after all.” stuff done. After an hour I was ready to move It’s a fitting collision, given Adir initially in: give me £40 and an aluminium laptop planned to enter the residential rather than and I reckon I could sort out this Brexit A hotdesking area at Uncommon by a living wall commercial property sector. A lawyer by mess once and for all.
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LONDON’S LOST RIVERS A network of forgotten rivers flows beneath the city’s streets. Now a new exhibition at the Museum of London Docklands uncovers their secrets. Words: MELISSA YORK
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Jacob's Island, Rotherhithe, 1887, painted by James Lawson Stewart
ondon’s rivers are integral to its success important in their own right. The River Wandle in as a global city. Criss-crossing and Wandsworth was known as the hardest working river intersecting both above and below the in the world, home to 90 mills along its 11 mile stretch ground, they were once the watery in the 19th century. The Neckinger in Bermondsey was veins that transported all life, from used by many tanneries, while Stamford Brook in immigrants to royalty, and received Chiswick was home to numerous laundries. exotic spices and plants from around Many of these are lost now, known only through the Lthe globe. “London is where it is because of the rivers,” locations they have lent their names to – the says Thomas Ardill, one of the creators of Secret Rivers, disappeared River Effra in Brixton, for instance, has a new exhibition at the Museum of London Docklands. both a tavern and a street named after it. This new “The city is built on and around the Thames; London exhibition tells the social history of these waterways Bridge used to be a point where you could sort of wade through artworks inspired by them, photography, film across it; then the Romans set up camp between and artefacts found on archeological digs. Ardill said Cornhill and Ludgate along the banks of the Walbrook the idea has been floating around the museum for as a strategic position, but also to make use of the some time, but that now felt like the right time to water for drinking and driving mills.” realise it, with knowledge of them ebbing away over Many of the subterranean rivers – diverted the years. While working with a school in east London, underground over hundreds of years – are tributaries the Museum found that many of its pupils had never of the Thames and the River Lea, but others are heard of the River Lea, even though it was only 200
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This page: Luisa Duarte works on a 12th century triple toilet seat fished out of a river; Opposite: The DLR viaduct over Bow Creek
yards away from their classrooms. “Some grimy history, including a 12th century toilet and oysters.” of the rivers that are still here are hidden seat, a Bronze Age sword and a 400-year-old Amateur historians, meanwhile, drink up away, so they can hide in plain sight.” fish found in the River Fleet. the tales told by Paul Talling, author of Old maps and paintings give us a picture of “We have a lot of material from the Fleet London’s Lost Rivers, who hosts weekly tours what these rivers would have looked like in because there was a great excavation in the along the routes of the ancient waterways. He their prime. Jacob’s Island, a watercolour by late 80s. We found a lot of evidence of has a 3,000 strong mailing list comprised of James Lawson Stewart (see previous page), was pollution and animal waste because the Londoners, ex-Londoners, tourists, bus drivers thought to have been painted as an Smithfield Market butchers would throw and taxi drivers who love to imagine the city illustration for Oliver Twist, given that the their bones and carcasses into the river,” says when it was a cesspit of industry and squalor. Neckinger is the site of Bill Sykes’ downfall. Ardill. “There’s also leatherwork and bits of “When we’re walking along the route of the There are also a host of objects found during metal, and we found a wicker fish trap, so we Fleet, I tell them what a horrible, slummy excavations that hint at the rivers’ often know people were catching fish nearby – eels area it was,” he says. “Towards Saffron Hill, in
A map showing the historic tributaries of the Thames, most of which are now diverted underground. Courtesy of the Museum of London
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the valley of the Fleet, horses were up I think Londoners will be amazed. The slaughtered and used as pet food; the origin rivers have been there all the time but you of the word Shoreditch was “Sewer Ditch”. never see them.” The scheme, however, The smells emanating from those places – the turned out to be a pipe dream, largely whole atmosphere – would have been awful.” because so many of the rivers have been But it isn’t all grime and woe. A series of Most of these rivers were integrated into the sewer system. In the case archeological digs in well-to-do Chelsea, diverted underground of the Fleet, there are main roads running where reservoirs were created along the over it today, so any restoration would Westbourne, have thrown up toy boats, because“ they became scupper central London’s road network. fishing hooks and even bowling balls, unsightly and polluted “There’s going to be a resurgence, especially suggesting they were places of leisure and an once they’ve cleaned the Thames up,” says escape from the grubbiness of city life. Talling. “At the moment there’s a lot of Most of these rivers were diverted untreated sewage going into the Thames. It underground because they became unsightly might be cleaner than it was in Victorian and polluted; the Walbrook was the first and times, but those old pipes can’t cope so it’s been hidden since the 15th century, as it there’s discharge going into the Thames quickly filled up with rubbish. But a clean up mixed with rain water. Thames Water says is underway and London’s rivers are starting 55m tonnes of untreated sewage entered the to emerge once again. The River Wandle, for river in 2013. But the planned super-sewer example, is a great source of local pride in will help.” Wandsworth. It’s home to many native fish Another example of how modern day species, including trout and roach, and development is bringing new waterways to there’s now a 14 mile trail alongside it that the city is Chelsea Barracks, the flagship stretches from Croydon to where the Wandle housing development of Qatari Diar. A new meets the Thames in Wandsworth, with waterway weaves its way through the artworks dotted along the route. development’s landscaped gardens in parallel The marvellously named River Quaggy, to the route of the River Westbourne, which which passes through Bromley, Greenwich remains buried deep beneath the ground. The and Lewisham, has been successfully restored new waterway is all surface-level, more a by a band of locals called Quaggy Waterways memory of what was than a new river. Action Group, who released it from a concrete The presence of the river allows the trough. It now flows through its original neighbouring gardens to be filled with route in Sutcliffe Park. This isn’t just good for tropical and medicinal plants, trees and wildlife in the area, it’s also a natural way to flowers. “The climate is changed by being deal with flood management, an increasing beside the river,” explains Neil Porter, a concern in London. landscape architect that worked on the Back in 2008, when Boris Johnson was grounds at Chelsea Barracks. Mayor of London, he had a hare-brained plan With such aesthetic benefits and public to uncover 16 of London’s waterways. Peter Above: A 14th century sword and dog collar interest, perhaps we’ll eventually find more of Bishop, who was an advisor to the Mayor at excavated by archaelogists and now on display as our underground heritage brought back the time, said, “When these rivers are opened part of the Secret Rivers exhibition above ground where it belongs.
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GROW UP Green roofs offer a way of making buildings more attractive at the same time as making them more eco-friendly. No wonder London wants in. Words: DOUGIE GERRARD
ext time you’re walking through Finally – and this is the point Evans insists upon most the City of London, look up. – green roofs have a positive impact on health, Increasingly dotted across its particularly mental wellbeing. Greening a commercial skyline are green roofs – London building means staff have access to nature at work an has climbed rapidly up the sky- incalculable bonus for those working in the smog and terrace league table in recent years, bustle of the City, and greening a residential building with more than 700 in central means a more pleasant and colourful home NLondon. In this respect, London is following New York’s environment; a hint of the pastoral, even in the busiest lead, with the Big Apple passing a city-wide ordinance of urban spaces. requiring all new buildings to cover their rooftops in Green roofs have come into vogue in a big way in the either vegetation or solar panels. London doesn’t have past decade, in part because of the exigencies of an equivalent piece of trailblazing legislation yet, but climate change, and the increased environmental we’re getting there; more or less every new building consciousness it has given rise to. Evans argues that approved by the Greater London Authority (GLA) is companies like his should be the poster-children of required to have, at least in part, a green roof. action on climate change, as they offer a way of taking “There’s a really ambitious policy climate in London practical action that actually has a meaningful effect right now”, says Lee Evans, founder of Organic Roofs, a on the environment (as opposed to, say, recycling, leading greening company. “It’s bringing us up to the which has a negligible individual impact). As well as level of Switzerland and Germany,” Europe’s leaders in being energy-saving and wildlife-fostering, green roofs the field. Though Evans is insistent that green roofs are can significantly lessen the cooling load of a building, not a “silver bullet”, he also reels off an impressively resulting in a much-reduced output of C02. varied list of benefits. For one thing, they’re an And for anyone concerned that maintaining a green effective form of drainage, helping hold back roof would be overly costly or labour-intensive, Evans stormwater and more widely distribute extreme offers reassurance on that front too. “They are actually rainfall. They have a remarkable impact on local very easy to manage,” he says. “For anyone living in wildlife, massively helping increase biodiversity (an London, having one shouldn’t cost more than £100 per attendant feature of a thriving green roof is a healthy year, and as part of our services we offer roof- insect population). maintenance training to our clients”. For politicians, they are a relatively inexpensive step The next grand horizon for the industry is retro- towards energy independence. Plus, as well as having a fitting existing roofs. And the benefits aren’t solely modest insulating effect, a working green roof will environmental: “Retro-fit is an incredible commercial also store and absorb heat, meaning they can help opportunity”, Lee says. “I would say it’s the biggest keep the building warm in winter and cool in summer. untapped market for construction companies”.
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Top: Green roofs are increasingly popular and can add value to your property; Below: Gardens in the sky can also add a social dimension to your building
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COLUMN
THE BACK PAGE STEVE HOGARTY THE LAP OF LUXURY The final frontier of luxury living isn’t cars, tropical islands or mega-yachts, says STEVE HOGARTY. It’s toilets.
scar Wilde once wrote that a And now, like everybody who returns from the far east cynic is somebody who knows the an unpaid ambassador of sprinklers, splash-concealing price of everything and the value sound effects and seats heated to precisely 37 degrees of nothing. It’s unlikely that he celsius – the temperature of the human body – I’ve got was thinking about Toto toilets – grand ideas about how toilets should work. the self-warming, bidet-equipped We’ve got it all wrong at home. Wiping (I can hardly commode had not yet been bring myself to even write the word) is a disgraceful invented,O and in any case Wilde probably had an eager unforced error, a grotesque societal misstep that’s young associate to douse his undercarriage with taken us down a technological cul-de-sac. Just as we champagne – but the playwright’s timeless wisdom ditched asbestos, leaded petrol and beating our wet can be extended to include matters of butt hygiene. clothes with sticks to clean the coal dust out of them, The best Toto toilets start from about £3,000 – just it’s time we recognised we’re on to a losing bet with twenty times as expensive as an average john – but the toilet paper and abandoned these crude practices. value of an immaculate booty is beyond quantification. “But Steve,” you say, no doubt tearing this page from What price can you put on a clean butt? You may just the magazine to later drag along your horrible body in as easily place a price on the laughter of a child, or on some corrupted excuse for an ablution. “We’re not the last northern white rhino, or on the smile of your animals. We’ve got bidets already, I’ve seen them in dying grandmother as you sit and watch the sun dip hotel rooms and some French houses.” below the horizon, her grip on your hand slowly Certainly, regular bidets do exist, but only in the relaxing, her breath slowing, until finally she is gone. palatial water closets of foreign dignitaries, and in the That is the inexpressible value of a pristine behind. Grammy-stacked bath houses of multi-millionaire hip- Luxury shouldn’t end at the threshold of the hop artists. From the toilet seat of the average London bathroom, and a good toilet – like a classic car – flat you could grab a pint of milk from the fridge and should be considered an investment in yourself and in pick up your post from the hallway, all without lifting your family. The sooner we can all grow up and discuss a cheek. There’s simply not enough real estate for a the matter like mature adults, the sooner we can separate, dedicated bowl to hover over, like you’re a change for the better. UFO threatening to destroy a porcelain White House. I first encountered these toilets as many do, at the No, the only option is the high-end, luxury, next- arrivals terminal of a Japanese airport, after a long generation toilet, one with a sensor that detects when flight during which my body had accrued a modest you’re approaching and opens the lid like a hungry debt to the gods of plumbing. In many ways the robot. One that costs as much as a new car, and which meeting was like a first kiss: surprising, memorable, I will be paying off until the day I can finally pass it on thrilling, warm and wet, and with one party not quite to my grateful, grieving children. knowing how long it was supposed to last before it got £ Steve Hogarty is a technology journalist who is trying and awkward. And just like a first kiss, it separated my life failing to convince his partner that they need to upgrade to the into two distinct epochs. Before bidet and after bidet. most expensive kind of toilet there is
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