Studentlibel Monday, April 2, 2007 \\’\\'\\'.Studdei—\Th.Com the Factl'ally Inaccl'rate Tabloid of \Vashingtox University in Dc

$Studentlibel Monday, April 2, 2007 \\’\\'\\'.Studdei—\Th.Com the Factl'ally Inaccl'rate Tabloid of \Vashingtox University in Dc$

THURTENE NAMES SU AS ‘07 CHARITY Says Thurtene chair: ‘We felt bad when they ran out of money’ STUDENTLIBEL MONDAY, APRIL 2, 2007 \\’\\'\\'.STUDDEI—\TH.COM THE FACTL'ALLY INACCL'RATE TABLOID OF \VASHINGTOX UNIVERSITY IN DC. SIVCI’ I "'

MILLIoIIs IIIPoIIIIs STOLENFROMBEARSDEN Cashiers held at gunpoint in four—hour standoff DEAN SANSALONE SNAKES 0N THE 40 CUTS OWN JOB Hundreds ofstudents attacked Full story, page 2 in freak serpentine Infestation

MOINEST CLUBS BABY SEAL Moinester speaks out: 7hey may _ be cute, but they’re also tasty’

STUDENTLIBEL EXCLUSIVE 7 WRlGlﬂ'ON, PATTY MAYONNAISE LOVE AFFAIR SCANDAL

2 STUDENT lIBEL | SCHMOOZE Senior Schmooze Editor / Mandy Silver / [email protected] STUDENT LIFE One Brookings Drive #1039 #42 Womenns Buildinng Saint Louis, MO 63130-4899 BY PENELOPE PUSSYFUUT strongest department but Jenny.6-375309 EXECUlIVE INVESTIGATATIVE ASSOCIATE Advertising (314) 935—6713 MANAGING REPORTER EDITOR PERSON it ‘s not like i couldn't have Fax (314) 935—5938 e— mail: [email protected] In tho] atost mom to a so rios oi snooping changes to www studdeath com the Sc 00 Engineering Capyright 2007 and Applied SIionIos. Dean of Engineering and \ppliod Snaggtetooth. Sklitford the Big Red Dog Scioncos Mar) Sansrrlonemis- CoonjuggaIVisitor: LiukzNe n:II takonh eliminated the A Primate Outreach Coordinator: Justin tion of Dean of Engineering avl son rind ~\p iod Sciorrt os on Iri- Rapunzel Wannabe- David Tabor off from the students facul Kitty Catitnimoror:p|t MandySiIver do} reported sources from Jedicated Editor Daniel Milstein tho University. ty and dcans Sexual Tyrannosaur: Brian "This Is ridiculous." re» Sawyer. “ho had worked ris or: worker: Erin McFuits markod a frustrated Sausa- uirh the School of Engineer- J-lll Athletics Snob; Andrei Berman lonu. “i moan. " took doing Bald: David Brody the position last ratio and Iiarllmprov Slave. RacheIHar alroad ) l ‘ chmooze Editors. TroytRuMmansi Laura my belongings and lento tho ansalone's changes ’to the ueggel JoshHantz Shwe scho01" MadeupPositaiorI: ElizabethLewtls she expressed a 5:. Editor. Sari Guzk As with tho streamlining oreplay Positions: Tess Croner. Nathan of the dual degree program desrre to have maintained veriy Chelsea Murphy Jill Strominger ,' in October 2006. the olinri- - better communication with Iali HelpinzsoolWhore: E Ochoa Dav Id herself, Sansalone in the end aminksy. Cecilia Razak Michelle Stein said she would move on. nchantod Rainforestlravellers. Sarah gineoring “In retrospect, I would nlein Felicia Basnin Duo to the shoot amount of have. liked to hold an audi- MIA: Scott Kaufman-Ross changos made In the school, My lands is bigger than yournylens:Lionel hoonor. Sarisalonu only ro- Sobe rtEitari Hochster. Jen eadhtor1Me: Sc alized her abrupt dismissal OtfiLifiarll Sorority Representative. Laura so\'oral days altr'r she had ratio the derision. TheLFutu e.Mrs Joe Mauer: Anna “ an. i can understand yourself. since leadership is Dinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn how the tinit'orsrtt' and the about accountability; other- Where are you Mallory Wilder7: Willie wise, you won’t understand School of Enginooring's got con“EST 0‘ DUN lOLLE‘t i _ Mendelson Indu Chandrasekhar to move forward and stuff," the preferences of yourself, Xerox Machines: Bnan Kngsher Jona- sho‘i‘ontrnued. “but l't‘CL‘nth Didn't realize Dean Sansa/one was small enough to fit in your standard Cardboard box? Well she is. As this image than Baude the changes hate just been shows, her head is slightly larger than a coffee cup. DéSlCNéHS: Ellen Lo. Jamie Reed. New Kid, Kim Yeh, DJ Sweerrio. Courtney too much. I rornombor “hon purpose of placing further eGates the administration used’ to Past I'ontrox‘orsy \sith and Structural Engineering. (are about the studont origi» Sarrsalono'sinstituttodchang» in addition to thee outright emphasis upon the Biomediv Christina Aguilera tan: Andrew O’Deli noor as a hard-working indi- shaw included the lanuan elimination I) t tin or- cal Engineering Department. Deceptively Not: Sara Judd \'rduai. ()r for that matter. the 2006s“Plan for l;\rollonco . gra uate aAerospace Engi- suggesting that she should indiudual dean oi Engrncor- 1n\IiI\ing thI in orgi g of neorrngn ' have better communicated Copyright 2007 Washington Unwersrty Student Ino engineering dopart- Sans alone questioned her vision for the School of neither “ill a lots of the eng Media Inc, (WUSMIl Student Lite IS the linarioaliy mg and Applied Sciences as him many of her instituted Engineering to herself. neering studen and editorially Irideoeoderit studentrrun newspaper a hard—“arising, budget-cul- monts community First trng individuati" III Mechanical Aerospace changes More made for the Yeah. BME‘s been the res are 50 cents bscnotons may be M380DOD-{callingl3ldi935-6713 StridentLi'te Is a publication oi wusm and does notrleoessa re tinwhdertinoartthe Libraries institute new restroom fee mm at the Wastisington University adm Inistratiori tawltyntstii trident Li anicles photos and graphics are St m not be uwd or published MI I t pro 3 BY POOPV MCPODP look at the numbors. It's just written can he al Manag Pictures SANITATION EDITOR not sustainable." and graphics printed In Student Lite are available A \hIleor sIIIII-d that profit tor base it Iiorflst It tor 2 Washington l‘nrwrsrt) has not a rnotru‘. “It's trut information Student Lite reserves the right to eon all submissms tor s inai lengthand Librarios “l” instituto Rest» wo'il be taking III an extra 57 security The Intent at momma; mlinot room loos beginning this May. million dollars in not rownuo tered Student Literresaves the night not to publish The librarII-s L‘\pi:(l tho Til“ undtr thi nI-Is Initiatiw. but all submissions pa\- per- poop pIIIII) to Tl‘dutt' iliI rIIInI: su is com plotoli rational IIrmIIi in": 35 "MicrobiaceanadpleesecontMIMMv the onormuus volume of son MWMMI at (314)935-67l3 ago produced by thot‘ niu rsr- tents tor ason III ty library community. During to‘report arterroror requestaclanfica- tho Tall somestor. rhI- llnitor lt't. ’l'har \I'd“,'t‘ho pi‘t)plL‘ who him. when Mstomdwom Sit)spi nt ou-r S.’ million on poop iIr piss the most pm the mg 15 Otili rnotrrI tosn most.” \hi IiiidIII piu \, \w (iflrbrar) smsapc Into the Mis- mod that mono). “hrspors sourr Ri\or. 'lhI. nI'is piilii\ Is doesn't I',\d(’ll) pd\ tor itsi'll.” expected to tzilxi a bItI Iiut Iii lor tho past Tiw tours, this problem. I'i-strririni may has almost Previously, (iIIn Library . \‘hirkvr .Itrrrbtir hard posit-d signs In tho l’t‘\l' rooms t'nUJUI'IIgIng sludi‘nts priitissor quirk drink to dispose Iii bodily \‘HlSlt‘ In}; pIImI-s "ll in'ms the in moderation. l‘ho signs n(‘\\ rIrjII‘ Is to Iitti nil i‘IIIsSIs - almost totally Ignorod. ttruuht In t‘tt't‘llll‘K proi‘vssors ,IinIl IIiLiv it shut own tinir‘ ll1('\ t‘\lllhil stimv slI‘IiIIIro ho in." said lirrlot ShIikI-r. (it‘ill'l l1.I\IIir, It's .1“ lrIrI .IIIII inrrIi'. Iil Iamptis plumbing. “the until that liquid r'I-III ltt‘\ \riur Dammit l only have enough paints for single-ply Why the hell did I splurge on that Snickers Bar.7I wasmitts!loom i‘tiliIII. 'lIiI'tI ll'\ rm IIrIIhlom." hungry to wait Well no one is going to want to shake my hand for a whie SIIIIkvr \itltl (‘Iimpus r~r1\ lrtllllttt‘lllfll the restrooms, but when )litl groups limi- lIIrIlI'Il Illt‘ Il(‘\\ tIIt\' ll ri lltt‘lltbt‘r \thit their SII‘III. a tumor I:1ilj0l‘lllg in house still has free restroom . iIiIIIis. “lint- til ”11' prints iii physical (‘dllttat 0.II Irst so No I an e\poct I‘Iilw Itwo \froo prrnting IiiiIo I1 (tat onn da CLOSEST SALON TO CAMPUS! OPEN17DAYS A WEI K! (.r’I'I-II \i triitr Ix in out \tlrtlt‘ltls to think about tlII‘tr Impact l‘IiiIit Thompson, president of Iind now this. The unit thing \Irondt y on IlIi t‘ll\lri)illlit‘ rIt i-Iii h IIIIII (il'l't‘ll \I‘titirr. tht‘\'\t‘ dorro guaranteed diIIumontod an increase in l\t' II IIIII. Niit t‘\t‘r\tllll‘ “Its thrilled that For going to poop twrt‘t‘ Iran in itiik mi about this .ittiiiirr, ll()\\t‘\‘l‘l‘. IIsmrII‘lI irI lads, \ so, I under prI'pIII 111gtor the coming pat,“ It'Iry tIirII- Iht'\ [Irish mmln “'lis riiliIrIIoIIs!" sItId Druid stiirrd (‘h‘IIan-llor Wrighturi's inc nt pIII Full ServiceHair &TanningSalon 051‘ mic-MMin ' $65 Highlight 8: outmappt.- only -- .. - - r (on: I.- (11.!— AVANTI RESTAURANT I N Big Bond a For“!Parkga:r o MIDI ll RliANt AN ANI i Mil )I It I T ASTI IIN t ll|\|Nl It's not First Food, It's Big V's. 726-2004 Dine in - Carry Out 0 Delivery WAIKINHWIIUv)Ml' 15% off any order 863—2448 (BigV) Nil Nil lI/Tlifli’iHll". ‘ Ni) iIAri‘il l g bigvsburgers.com (for students w/Wash. U ID) in out initgoi in‘u‘x‘ Ioupons online Open until 12 AM ii‘tIlit‘U It: i-M“ i‘t‘ ”VJ! it li‘t‘ T‘it‘ti‘ket In 1in iIIIII»

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MONDAY | APRIL 2, 2007 Senior Schmnoze Editor / Mandy SllVEl / schmooze@studdeath com STUDENT LIBEL l SCHMOOZE 3

Construction under construction PLEASE BY FAKE NAME dean of mollification, rebutted. Freshman Katy Smith who FAKE POSlTlON at is nottrue at all," ed, said NEW PARKING Ill.ll 'IHN'I‘ said. “We're addinng this gigantic Clear out the crane—here seal that you can read rightside comes the “rocking ball. T e up and u si e own. We’re also IN) N0'l‘ toying with the idea of a foun— e o ai . particular analogy sh Although Powers could nei- that there has been a high turn- ther confirm denriy rumors overeiVnrrecent years. She noted,

that other University space will 2" ,thatt s will be the be put to use as temporary park- schoeol'ersfirst pre-dedication de~ WRITE ing during the construction he molition. suggested. “If I were you, Iwould In light of the anticipated not be standing in line at Whis- bulldozing, the Eco mics De- “Subterranean Parking Facility." pers Café next Tuesday, during, partment has expressed concern The facility, to be named after say, rush hour. over the future of the new Social Chancellor Wrighton‘s daugh— Chancellor Wrighton did not Sciences building, also currently IN THIS ter‘s dog emeritus Mufﬁns Dan-I return phone calls. though his under construction. forth, will be similar to the one secretary‘s secretary justified Grover was quick to reas- demolished, only with thinner the move in an e-mail. She wrote, sure. sand adiminished sense of "That old garage was so 2006.” “The University has no cur- community Most students reacted to the rent renovation plans for that “Honestly. we didn’I even hire news with apatath. site," she said. “At least not this SPACE a new architeetc We're actually “Excuse me, I‘m trying to week." using theseame blueprints" Gro- study,‘ said a freshman in Olin ver adm library. “Ouch," she added when Gregorye Powers, assistant further prodded.

Officer Spoons TKE ‘Supcr Smash ’n’ Fruit arrests Center Court Brothers’ part gone wild thieves BY SCRUFF MBERUFF CRIME DOG ' In what was originally billed 0:. CracksdoWn on banana snatchers

e coming from the usually dormant buiinld ' ‘ o enteering the scene, tro as

ing pictures with their camera phones. “That image will forever be burned into my r“etinas, said Strom “I thought I would nev-

TKE ouse is just earth shat- tering. Wow The visibly drunk unidenti— fied females, believed to be un- derage mail—order brides from Russia, were taken into custo- dy for questioning where they directed police efforts to the basement of the TKE house. A warrant led the police to the SCHMITTGENS | STUDENT LIBEL basement, where they found over $5,000 worth of alcohol. Bad boys, badboys, whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do when they MAGNUM STEELE lSTUDENT LlBEL come iory Goodness gracious, that ass is bodacious! lhese gins definite/y don 't go to Wash. U... laboratory, and a c BY ALFDNZD DEBUSSY Fruit warned that, “You never of over 600 hours of raunchy BANANA SNATCHER outraged at the blatant disre- “Providing alcohol to minors yet, but the suspected camera- know where they'11 be willing Girls Gone Wild pornography spect and clear violations of and objectifying females in man as been reporteedm s- to stickLla banana. as well as the central database the codes of behavior and con- such a way is a matter that ing since Saturday afternoon It was a just another day the disturbance for the popular pornographic duct set forth by Greek Life. should be taken extremely en 6“ at Center CourtAyesterday‘s sbrief Center Court closed “BangBus” website “What happened here last seriously. They should be per- meat loaf had become today‘s itsdoors early to allow WUPD After word had spread Friday is the most heinous manently kicked off campus chili surprise, and all was to erofarm a full investiga» throughout campus aboutSthe event in the history of Greek and vilified for their blasphe- energy pane s. The investiga— well But in a blinding ﬂash TKE shakedown, mem 9': life," said disgusted Zeta Beta mous and wicked behavior." tion is ongoing. everything chan “We see this kind of thing the Greek community became Tau president Justin Snyder. No arrests have been made Seccurit3 Officer Spoonsn‘

Fruit leapt into action. streak~ ing past the buffets to blind- y side a couple of would—be fruit meth" remarked Police Chief thieves. The officer quickly n Stro Prof discovers homosexual unicorns d d the suspects de- “All I know," added ‘n’ Fruit, scribed as white males wear- “is that these kids may be all caps American Eagle Wash. U. students, but they’re all amateurs. Sometimes their amidst fossil remains of Noah's Ark fingers are still sticky from the lasob.‘ grabbed some 'fabulous‘ uni- cated as illegal contraband. poons ‘n‘ Fruit was hired BY STU CRABSHACK ARllCHOKE AFICIONADO corns and all the straight ones Center Court pa— through an ad in “Soldier of suffered God‘s wrath in the trons are honest hardiiorking Foror"tune ma az ne after the Paleontology professor Har- Flood." Americans] said “It Fruit. “But Great Plate Pilfering of 2005. vey Whitehead announced es- Conservative family values terday that he has discovered groups have seized on White» animal fossils that hebelieves head’s research as scientific smell the hair product that‘s a ‘s H evidence that gay marriage is good bet. The\ use it to Cover k1 unnat ral men a d Ch - the scent of their stolen cit- Gongers. hung himself before mountains that contained re- dren Ft 0 er Seymour use his court mains of every documented an- u says that this is de onlookers itatched in dis- Chief Strom refused to imal species, plus one extinct belief as the part-time B&D se- comment It pending species. Whitehead believes the arrlage poses to human exis- curih officer cuffed and cat— charges. instead advising fu— extinct animals may have been e. it) searched the mo suspects ture thie\es to “stick to pizza homosexualrunicorns. “We're just lucky Noah was When asked ith3 such e\tre1r:1e and beer. They're better for “Th eall within three e '- measures \sere necessary, you, anyway." miles of eachother, and almost can," comment d Dumb . “If ev fossi was paired one he had made different lifestyle male one female." said White» choices we might not be here head “The last pair was a little toda‘." differ Women and Children First ithitethead and his team were is planning a rally on the steps O TWINS!!!!!!! quick to identi1fy and match all of the Capitol in Washington on but one of the pairs with exist- Frida '. “We re going to bring God WORLD SERIES and Natuure back to. SY‘UEN' except for one pair, consisting From this day fortward, the un1- 0h beautifu/ unicorn my mag/cal stall/on come hithermsoPE/ can caress thy of mo males from now ex- corn isill be a cautionary tale of horn and ride thee through the monastic mountains of my cireams/ CHAMPS 2007! G‘od s punishment for manon- mau 10\e that his research 15 sorid The lesson we can learn from iihitehead “bile claiming you cant question the this is not {0 let our little boys happy opening day :) neutrality on the politics of gay seience Homosexuality droxe pla3 ixith un1corns.Lnicorns extiuct. Noah screwed up, marriage. simply reinforced the unicorn spec1es e\t1nct. are ga3

4 STUDENIUBEL ZZH .‘1; ,I1Z HUNDQ 1APRIL3.2007 Bert and Ernie to address Glass of 2007

BY FUSIER IHE EMU the I'i11\ers1t\. and .111 goon: . ‘I'iir modern INTERN tour as .1 plat iii! \ \ILIl l Mi l‘Ii \Iili‘lll l¢1.I\ \t i'omm (Juiini1 Birtram Huffiington he1 re going to in o liange (IIIli‘ts l1.i\t luL-n more and lrnL-sto Bthrine/, stars of the world " closL ”nod and Urinal. i‘\lik‘i i.1ll\ 1111111“ng the hit tele\ ision showSesame Lontidant ()sLar the Grouch Ilie .111111111111‘1111111111 that lot Street' will address the Class told Student Life. “hashington the Ili‘\I time. the Loininenee of WI? at tl1eir_commL ncernent Unnersity is \er1 luka iolia1e ineni spLeLh “I” be sponsored on Ma1 118 ill)! I them. and the1are \ery muted b1 thi litters“ D ( Better known as Bert and to speak there minmbei I Ernie, the duo will be making Other re1elations found in most important da1s of our their first public appearance af- the pages of' Sesame .Seed1" 111 Ines." ell1d senior IMU EMU clude the news that Oscar the EMl 1‘\IU [MU I'I‘M EMU EMU Grouch is actually a \1etnam I.\ll IZMI fMl EMU IMU EMU veteran who was place in a EMI' IiMI' EMU EMU EMU EMU publisher. Bert and Ernie reveal trash can at Walter Reed llos EMU I‘MU EMU EMU EMU EMU that they are homosexuals in pitaa;| thenheromI addiLtion 01 EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU and bring to Count \0 also known EMU EMI EMI1 EMU EMU EMU as The count Miss Piggy ha\ EMU EMU EMI EMU EMU EMU ing repeatedly gone to clinics EMU EMU EMI' EMU EMU EMU for eating disorders; and the EMU FMI‘ EMU EMU EMU EMU death of the original C00le EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU Monster in 1992 due to compli~ EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU cations stemming from diabe» E‘IMI EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU tes. Pre- sales of the book ha\c HIRESI' PARK PARKMAY EMU alread1 taken the top spot on

The gaya conmmunity on Chancellor Mark Wrighton US as nothing but praise EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU Spokesmen for the Gay & for the chince of Berta 11d Ernie EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU esbian Alliance Against Defa- a m ncement speakers EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU NUFFALUFFAGOUS ISIUDENI LIBEL mation (GLAAD), Bert and Er- “It is really great that the Uni EMU EMI' EMU EMU EMU EMU Life partners Bert and Ernie speak during Commencement 2002 The topic of discussion. The life and times of Mr, nie are planning a nationwide versity is acknowledging that EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU Rubber Ducky, his uses and his amazing accomplishmentss. tour following their speech at these issues are some of the EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU Bubelmann catches on fire, no one cares

BY ART sails way for the new dormitory that mann to the Knight Center, cur-‘ CHIEF CANADIAN CORRESPODENT we plan to have constructed by rent students made due with 2030. Students should embrace makeshift camps. When Fried— The Office of Residential Life Washington University's ongo— man Lounge filled, students being commitment to success and positive attitude towards what on Rubelmann 2, allowing the some mightview as a smolder- old dormitory to burn to the ing disastter. ground. The unexpected grease The Rubelmann fire began privacy," said third floor resi~ fire beguny an RCD cooking around 1 Saturday dent Shaunice Sholes. reedom fries expeditted Re- and by dusk all that remained lRubelmannresidentswill sLife’s plan for renovation on of the dormitory was a pile of be swnched to the new Bon Ap- the South 4. glowwing embers.To the delight petit huntercgatherer meal plan “Rubelmann. aid Tim of ResLife officials, some fier for the duration of their stay Lernpfert. associate directomr of ashes were seenmdrifting in the on the Swamp. Congress of the ntia "ouS directtion ofU opening South 40 executives organized the possiibility ofaanotheer old a marshma low roast over the m’s destr building's dying ames in an 1h attemmpt to ate a more CLel- ebratory atmospher ‘

ing the South 40. It paved the freshmen staying in ‘I’T" . Nothing says fun like an old donniiory bonﬁre. .‘

Student petitions for adoption PHYSICIANS BY MADAM EDITflR- 8: HARIJHI SUZUMIYA her adoption records. After “Hahaha! Dishes?” Wild r'e~ ' SCHMOOZE REPORTERS that, she will be recognized as membered Freeride laughing. a legal adult and be unqualified She tried Dean of Arts and SERVE YOUR COUNTRY. ONE Ivanna Freeride partied like for adoption and a fabulous cineces Jim Mel.Leod. who she was in the class of 1999 four tuition—free years at Wash- wholeheartedly suppororted the when she received her accep- ington University ‘ead eb 0 tance package from Washing» “Goodt gyl skipped the PATIENT AT ATIME. ton University. but the pre- third grade,"lFreeride said, ex- plaining hwy she has an extra ed students from al walks of You will do alotfor your country — ytearonfid a new set 0 par- life to apply to our University. em curve when she saw the ents. ,“I heal missed were his program detracts from not to mention Soldiers and their fee for tuition. the multiplication tables. or- the image that we are an elitist Un aunted, Ereeride re— tunately they let you use Ti- rich kid' school with inflated families — by joining the Army searched scholaarships and in- 838‘mlfoers Cale III, " she said with tuit ion." vestigated the Work Study pro— Mcleod himself is a strong er so ution involved a SFreeride discovered a pro- ad10cate of ACK ad has 3-! Medical Corps. Accordingly, the bit more paperwoork: seeking . gram to help prospective stu- ready adopted four students adoption from a faculty mem» dents literally become part of from Arts and Sciences. “There Army will return t he favor..You’|| ber the Wash. U. family. Adopt Col~ is nothing more amazing than “I am sooo jealous of stu— Iegiate Kids, or ACK, aids stu- the bond of parent and child. join as a commissioned Officer and dentts who have parents who dents in finding qualified legal To gain so many children at work for Mark Wi'ighton," Fre- guardians to waiye their educa- this stage has been one of the enjoy outstanding benefits new challenges the chance to work eride said. “They get free tu- tion fee. Free most rewarding experiences of ition and I hear they get to call my life“ he said, as he beame in some of the country’s most advanced facilities, opportunities the chancellor Uncle Marky calling Executive Vice Chancel- down at the four students car- ark" or and Dean of Arts and Sci— for world travel, and 30 days of paid vacation time earned annually. Whether or not her aspi ra- ences Edward Macias, but he tions of calling the chancellor was so busy he couldn‘t see her Plus, you’ll receive: until the day after her birth» da3') tain Ivanna Fret “I became worried that the helped the produciixity of the 0 Continuing education opportunities heer lBth birthday to finalize only way I could fund my edu- Unitersity. cation would be through street Distinguished Professor of prostitution" Freeric id Chemistry, Karen Wooley, has 0 Low—cost life insurance adopted 10 such students into i t on er 1 . er chemistry clan. “Johnny‘s Chancellor Rob "Buc working the pipettes and Susie 0 No-cost or low-cost medical and dental care for you and of he demanded a little more is learning how to autoclave. t i than she was willing to dish l‘\e already published 500 your family P out. papers. which is 30 ahead 0‘ “I encouraged Ivanna when I sccehdu le. t m,« t heard she was looking for a new 1\anna Freeride only has five 0 Generous non-contributory retirement benefits with 20 years dad." Wild said. “It was great more weeks beforore she in st timing. I was just about to get finalize the adoption process. of qualifying service a new Blackberry, but I knew I “My case is still open: desper‘ iF i could count on Ivanna to keep ately seeking parents. Few track of all my appointments. chores, Unlimited Internet ac- She agreed to chauffer my chil- cess. Adopt me please!" tF 7‘ but was reluctant to take on other chores." iT ”i with mention of this ad

iAsk about student rates! i Rhonda Bradshaw To find out more, or to speak to an Army Health custom clothing/toilor AIRBRUSH TANNING Care Recruiter, call 800-792-2524 or visit RlioNdA'S Tailoninq ANd AIIERAIIONS Located In the Central W8 End healthcaregoarmycom/hct/SB corner of McPherson 81 Eudid 6360 Clayton Rood 2nd Floor 4744 McPherson Ave. Richmond Heights .M0o3117 314.361 4722 335-7857 K? 2006 Paid for by the United Sia'es Arm All rIglit; IPSEI‘IIELI fo 10-8 Weekends 104% fittittt

“DAY I APRIL 2. 2007 SeniotScltmouze Editor / Mandy Silverl schmoozeﬁstuddeaihcom STUDENT LIBEL l SCHMOOZE 5

Assembly Series welcomes Ms. Frizzle Obituary: Sarah Steinberg, killed for Bears Den robbed by B&D. thousands of to campus wearing too much ‘fashionable’ clothing meal points stolen

Washington Um- ‘ The uniyersity communityi is mourning the death of junior At the height of the versity students Sarah Steinberg. who died earlyTuesday morning at the bands of drunken rush to Bear‘5 DenaFri- wecolmed Ms al- offasbionistas due to her clotthing selection for the day‘ ght atplo(unfolded that erie Felicity Frizzle g bling angerto“ardsthe lat- led to the robbery of thousands sde of meal points. Authorities have cision to wear her Uggs in late March. coupled“with her cameltoe four members of leggings. ayiators. and unfashionably long t- shirt. sparkeed offa o h \' n- eruption ofM S.t Helens-e ueproportions astmong the stu- to aggravated assault. reecent outlashes by grant theftlarceny. kidnapping. intestine is a Wonder- students around the coun ' : and obes Brandishing guns machet ful Place las motnthEmory University officials wereforced to eclare mar. es and hm mated bomb5, the Following the high I'114w 411:1 th local Urban Outfitters on fire. suspects wieldmed their hidden Thong island. NY native is survi\ed by her iMac Powerbook weapon t'cked seculrey be- GS. heer BMW 7351. her tePneloope. and her entire DVD collec- neatth their beer bellies. at ap tion of “Laguna Beach." “The OC" “The Hills" and ”My Super Sweet 16."

their energies on attaining Ms. Frizzle and her vast emporium of resent at the popular eatery science knowledge for a Wednesday discussion about the human Study: Pre-med test scores predict ef- Four B&Dstaffeers bud", undreds of students attended and were inspired by her in- fectiveness as doctors cidentt. atlhouugh it is suspected that many more employees were sightful wordsabout mud. wacky clothes and the digestive tract tricately imolyed in the planninga mplernentation of 0- ofdinn.Mosaurs t P erration Grease Trap WU Facilities has been accu Friz explained how to convert the current Wash. U shuttles into Commensurate with average test scores received during pre- 881D the escape route through t e un e Magic Shuttles that can take students oeaD d exams as an undergraduate. studentswwho obecome WUshuttles were reported to be the vehicles used during the get- McLe ocotrs have benofundnin a recent study that theynare(only able an unfortunately. because of rules about the transfer of meeal magica places to accurately identify and cure about 40 percenttofg medical points from one indivvidual to another. no of the statolen meal campus leadersto uss way problems that they are confronted with on aldailyba to a decision to raise tuition by $8031.26 for the next academic s 1 ese days are ‘Dust no lpprepareest for life as points can be returned to their rightful owners. Bon Ape 1thas informed the students that they must purchasetheir pointsback school year to cover the associatedco a"doctor. said Bob Kelso. professor of bioechemelectromechanic- Ms Frizzle‘s famed pet lizard. Liz.owhois capable of performing medicalengineering. “Ists the own damnfault; it‘ s nottlikewwe at the price of $1.25 per point. “Tough noogies," laughed the Bon Appetit night manager ch toryt eteh exams oahrd that they only know 40 percent of the mamterial-they’re just too stupidoto know the other 55 percent. Everything we put on the exams is clearly taug ss and it‘s make akes. and get messy the students‘ responsibility for mastering the material like a real tion from the packed Graham Chaapelcrow.d with the exception of doctor.” ' Pluto leads coup against other planets; one student named Arnold who still hates science. N ee'sk declares self Ruler of the Galaxy Senator Strom Thurmond. is titled “Killing Me Softly With His Song: A Privileged White Man's Story of Keeping the Black Man Down." Jesus tours campus for April Welcome. In a bizarre twist of events since Pluto‘5 status as a planet was loves the tulips demoted on August 24. 2006 Pluto has gathered a. force of two Pa Student Life changes name to ‘Student and Planetary Sciences Department to lead a coup d'etat against Jesus Christ. the Son of God, visited the University this past the remaining eight planetisSofS the solar system Death' Pluto, often sed for mall size andulong distance away hrist was enamored w1t the su skicekdntto the curb inA sttwhen a group impressed by his tour guide'5 vast knowledge of college affairs. of0knowitall scientists decided that Pluto wasn't worthy to be a

Dessitep ' usehdtheMessiah. "I can‘tawasitto ewsapper. ntLife has decided tochange its name to‘"tuS herein the fall and frolic through them w en1 goto for Viagra to get it up. The Earth and Planetary Sciences Depart— dent Death."SeffectivefaIl 2007 Many rumors as to why these sud- Christadh aieppled earlyedecision. but was deferrecda to general rne ttoo a ﬁrm stance against demoting Pluto. and as a result den cha vebeeen announced have been spreading around admission before being acc te.d wasnquicklyr recruited by the ninth rock from the sun to join its campus in recent we aas ttle disaplaointeedt at first, but I sent in some more let mount in my. Spe ion has surfaced around Student Life‘5 use of zombies ters[ofrecommendation from my friends John. Luke Mark and nreturn for their services. Pluto announced that he would proovide unlimited funds to the Earth and Plaanetary Sciences Be Mat torineChief Erin McFults denied these allegations missions director Ginger McHovelhut said that she always partment for but] ing robots. satellites and to hire all the sexual offenders they want after its successfultakeover of thegalaxx.y sface it." said the exaspserated journalist. “students at thought he was a stellar candimdae .1 .. Wash.U. are halfdead from all the work they ham to do every “Hejus walks on water 1 yBok. “5| [6|ll Jesus said he looked forward to W.I.L.D. and planned on rush- former planet. “lt‘ s time for meto take my rightful place on the ate for ourapopulace. Besides. ‘Studdeath‘ sounds way more badass ing AEPi. celestial throne asthe Ruler of the Galaxy and show them a real than ‘Studlii‘e.‘ no? ‘IndependenceD Plutots allegedly a huge fan of Jeff Goldblum.

MONDAY l APRIL 2. 2N7 6 STUDENT LIFE 1 FOREPU-Y senior Foreplay Editor Foster the Emu 1 loreplayOstuddeathcom #—

Our not-so-daiiy Foreplay editors: Mondayiieavy pettmg Wednesday Funding Fridaylustlmb heashalityqustlodu iondiethebalis .edu W

aboriwhatittsmatout notsodaiiy Foreplayeditors actualiydo.Mom» FOREPLAY nothing. iiyouactualtyHarereadingttns kudostoyou goods: “111mm STAFF EDITORIAL STAFF EDITORIAL We want more tuli ! Teach

th prospectlie is not going far enough The should go further. Dead plants housing crunch thaneever seen lrcshmmen rampant most important thing for the aren t 1”]: only thingsthratoare before But that is t across mup Uniiersity is toloo good for ugly‘a ash U A to pay for getting atop 110 reationism Brookings as Is the prospective freshmen. Yes. the gracmusly pointetedS ou111It; educat1.on it iscecertairily better case every year at thisttim e. University shoul try to make year \’a sh. U girls are ugly', to live in a f deaoctupl >1 m :1 haas one somethingttaht sure that i1is current istudents :1 top-10 school than'in a double very commendable Showing a how the best educat on pos- while languishing at number blatant disregard forveconomic sihle.B ut thateducation is not efficiency and teh ossible without a top I rank- c b Yeastthis will cost alt of in Human teh administr:IIOHnhas ingi the U 5. News & World Washington eUni'1ers1ty Game University can get dmecreed that a slightly wilted Report rankings. Andthatis thiseluuucy b flowershould not be seeno not goinggot happen i11thout be allowed on campus prope r, We as students. have to be irl.pus and as aresuultn, better students Having a is1h'hile the rest of the students grateful for everything that the been 1lgive ounled‘Abe relocated to Was. Unitersity provlesdorf0or usand Evolution replanted, eygien iftthey had prospective freshmeen moe Uh's~ erstbanch 1n East St. there is nothingm nteh und IOrJUsI two ofa rseaon tocome here and Louins.safely out of the way of tthan our ranking.Itwould days. This hgas0caused Was h- tghehiheryielamdofd ted prosplectiyote freshm naotbe fair to the University ington University to be prettier students 11111 I t the UnI1ersity 'yc shouldalso be to force the burden nethm fonr a couple of daysand in the rise in the aninkngs. 00d while it is we who benefit. that is e\actly I101 'the education will assuredlgy0fol sobuld be paying for this. Well ashington Uni- increasing cranial capaci. University should be spending low be thankingothe Univ SKY versity claims to ties annd reducction of the he constant replanting eknocked d later when ids are apply- promote an envi- postorbital ridge. We are ehay called this action agoiodg firstsstpe in achiev» procspectuhe freshm get mogto the ninuth'ranked school ronment oenfop oft is mummbo umbo by theUniversity 11as ten ingt 0.3.1 buttoc aryt sSotn rnlghtssay in the nation. intellectual inquiry annd to that is, 3:“Professor Smith but in reality the University popular belief the University thattmhisuist'ill cause a greater . auel teh di1verse interests admits, a t eory of Washington University Givven the].lcourse '5 lagging Witeht enrollment it seem eat

educationof students as we etnotteh yno I P“ dissatisfied with“Introduc- BRIAN SOTAK | EDITORIAL CARTOON nto Human Evolutlon.” 10We believe that Smith's

found an abhorrent stifling JUPITER SAT URN we discover, of academiccrprogressr i ght ben aoh ery eyes HAS A HEXAGMJ 3‘1 iTS Professor Richard Smith‘s Iesser organismsUniver- 1115 THE ”GREAT EInttroduction oHuman sity professors osughtt KEV Si’o‘t" Noam POLE voultlon" coursein the movet ards the future by anthropoloogy department. enndor ngtthe more scien In order toeen“girth teh tlfically--sound viewnthat the universe hum life on eart and thisvery campus were creeated by a supernatural deity (this ay or may not e the Fly- ing Spaghetti Monster, but thatt's a whole at am editorial). The theory of Creationism enjoys stron rt from the scientists

7‘0 5e, “like" Serious/r begrudgingly enroll in the mg/IA PLUTO,desperate resewhen shutout from ﬂte complete, work, other moreedesirabuleScehoic- «ll-Jain, shit/+3 exhiéii‘mj es and lea teh ' . completelyuninformed by of Paul K/¢¢. , 2,43i Dmsl. the semester51A 0th of .. AND. information regarding the THEN THE EARTH so—called evolu tion” of hu- Creationism and tehestory PEOPLE WILL LEAN“. of Adam annd Eve Atef hundreds of years of Crhris- tendom beinrig the dominant source of knowledge woh eto tea ythinrig but the establihshed truth?

fooled. We see behind the

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR Student Life: pillarof journalistic excellence

Dear Editor: the written word. beer.I ’ 1L1- "Better push Palestinian Israeli Future call like trying to get back on your w m: 11 From one a11ard“inning Rob Woodward ICCI (II It] takeeyou down": Your forRpeaCe. cooperationamad journalist to another. I vtould The ii hshingron Post Aerft the court made me notify Sagartz Kressel shinein hoppedon my johnurand0Itook posiriye tomorrow To this end. the entire neighborhoodthati doubleheader split": i gave your her do would like to see Hilltop hacla secpcial pas ousbleheader lit Re. “The'1115] and outs of the Bakeury.Whlspers'Caféaandall soc1ated with me Ionoromotinths. l :a"Bearskick offseseason o"wd Man of your 1youret111ce my agebutI 111th 11 in atMini Meet? I kicked insK0andouts offer. [st-aeIi-PalestinianConflict non‘tsay any thinngabout your y Uui " uh my .

dreams responds 11r1nklesstfyotimdotit sayany- mini-meat, Tooeasy (Yum thing aboutm Kc. ' ‘ " 5‘1“" ”7'" ' JJ ' run) If our us hoit NIH funding cuts could DearEditort 1chard Gereeain 1 got noth- expectations": Your mom's uses Campus starts eachday with an hurt the Uni1ersitysmmeldc ingRon me. exceedmy expecctatioo.ns -7l1cker Max important and delicious me? research programI was in In writing to respond to e- PoliceBeat": The police - sage of tolerance and peace. we an e.I mean. 11ho eslse\1cvould a personal ad you published in ‘Mnrk S. beateyour mo can make a difference in this seeethat connnectione pt your neix spaper a few weeks Re. “\‘oiice from abroad. I Stustfe.7 Then. later thatweek ago. I clipped 11 out but then I heardea mice from your mom. Israeli-Palestinian 0THER bomb- 051 it [was heogpin you could “OhY send this letter to the purchaser I OzomatIi—ed all Re:e“Sophom S":Iump Conflict muffins for of the ad Your momreslumped 01er this Single 11hite femaale seek over your mom sophm peace ring peace to the Middle mg independen Re: of 11th DontMess East muffinadaykeepsthe guy of your dream: My name Dear Editor: pith the Dragon":l Dear Editor: suicide bomber andarmored t life. you areSpdlIIal’a me sed with mydragonmandagot bulldozers away.

Ihave a few responses toL ' ' “ to of journalistic integritya e_ 1 1 1. . 1 11. clearl1 the scribesof the l1 Iork and Mindyebirrd1m1atchd1ng gods. Kudo5“Student Life. \ou and bon agee' In IsisheciOlast 11eek. push for larger Pell Grants”: "Huh“ Jung,” ,.,, ' " ' are li11ng proof of the power of and I sublet fromaecrlose family Du tei ,, 5 ‘4 My J a your mum 1: Fast Students foraPeaceful tinian Israeli Frame

YOUR VOICE: LETTERS AND GUEST COLUMNS OUR VOICE: EDITORIAL BOARD OUR (SPIDERIWEB POLICY Friitnn'nlc —’u -—l 1 :1an mflmfk “an " ‘L' ' L ‘_ L‘ L “ nur Student life welcomesheletters to the editor and so ‘“ Jewungle; 1-1 - 1L 1. 1 4 AL ' £- 1 "- 1 "‘ ‘ “" L “ ‘ " an cit-nutty. iiyou attflll from readers. Theyrnaitefor good bonfires 11s.cal.,‘ ,‘ ‘ , ‘ a “ haveapuhiishedaamdasremoved wewiwiiildscioseto thectmmunityyul Letters to the Editor MW 367-5309 onMthembeach and basiietweaving00111“!3km Willis and you Will be embarrassed One Brookings Drive #1039 Fax: (314) 935-5938 St. Louis, MO 63130—4899 email. [email protected] BHIUDEIOGYIBS SarahKl'rfl Erythrowb”Sm ”L1 -' J ‘L ‘ "A " n ' n 1 .Truethat. m AndreiBarman Paolo hamadryas Daniel Milstein ti'ueWeawem A .. LILJI ‘1).L All r hm e Anc ntrnihPrbus Cebus apella. LizNeulurch Maca sca:ta Justin Dawdson Eulemurfulvus- Tess materialofftheweb buiwemuslwtierwriiimrwiseandimmbiedm glamour shots social security number and two fled who1011 1min scitireus. NathanEvedy Student Lite reserves the right to use your pvctures andint inionnationin an Coiobus guereza DaVIdT sot Fergie Girl youkrmyoui-a—s—te—y Lemur catta MandyStlver Tarsiusiarstet: Chelsea Murphy (1 1. 11 11 gum-11 I1Il Stromtnger and we believe that man never landed on the moon

mv , APRIL 2, 2927 3‘31? :T'EE'EI:' fZ' STUEENT LEE A WEEK“ 7 Higher education does not Manatees ruin mean higher procreation everything

it Sill”DIAS THE GNU nausmumu 3355 ME\‘LELMOL‘SE’JR til tiG. from gnu to em“ to YMM human. as born on a Tan/a here's toli murh sex man plain in one of the mosttL‘dL niL' regionsoof the Serengeti. For tiiaiii halts. i go into \walthi‘ Europeans. mi home mL- in . Student Heal Seriites tor a 1G paradise \\L.iriii,1.' their the lirbrar.\ Imagine that hap flu shot and l stroll through mersized hat and trt nib peiiing to .tllti u.G .Eat COLIIS .tliei toon \tsitn \eri OI‘ICDosfii , FDﬂ‘t‘d outnot \ihat they \‘dll Gainin all the our homes out of our at 0 IIHIC. They usualli plai this spheresthe mana fun ltttle game \xith me and force all of enon-aquatic dent handing OM m\ community”\\ ht' I'llth\ animals tiff the planet. tth indom and telling me chase UGi\giith G.itid shoot eat eieri thimg that's left no sex I dont and then we runutattli nand yant to be eaten Thais to totihel brary only trim gore them. 5 til m\ fondr \\ hat t thought be confronted by dingGGting Gt iories are f ManeeGGare also lazy and pictures of st'xua IIy tranG- contribute nohmrig to smLiety mined diseases. No thank haGn‘te\\enleft ou fMl‘ EMU EMI EMl EMU he members of the EMI EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU Itntyersity so crazed about lEMl1EEMU EMU EMU EMU $1 D'G I urge tht ampus to enone e1 Lnthe deer and the EMU EMU EMl EMU EMU EMU adopt a policy tlifstriLt aanbstr antelope plai. Blnll once [got EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU nenr H .'SflG here I Goon fou that his EMU EMU [MU EMU EMU EMU all ntthose nasty lettersantan “as no home nthe range. EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU be eliminnatt(d iiu would [came earli and par MU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU just akeep our tiLIpated in the LAUNCH EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU assing out Londoms pre orientation program. lie EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU at eyery possiGible Lam pus though eicry one hadttito legs EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU Iotation only encourages tie frolicked and danccadnd EMU EMl' EMl‘ EMU EMU EMU students to procreate. Who laughed and laug hed. Play mg EMI' thl1 E.tUE UEMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU enf erisd Hill EMU EMU EMU EMU I made in I \U NCH areestillo EMl EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU ation plan. the ABSTINENCE my closest friends. EMU EMU EMI1 EMU EMU EMU Uniiersity can offer (has ei ery program offeredcduring EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU my belts and purity rings orientatioma a-t FMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU Inﬁlla . tended multiple programs at EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU I don't want my tuition the samet ime (nei er undo; EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU and health lees gomg to estimate the power of a gn EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU fund other people's Gex ad- Bu.tthen on the tdy2f“ EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU dictions. My' omrientation,i my ronmm EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU \ed in. nd to my shock EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU :tnncl hoi.rrorit “as a manatee EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU to the purchasing Maanat el)ariiins EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU of Londom:Condorn .Gdon't um Etutttttttthti reieLts. andhari\eno place EMU FMU EMU EMU EMU EMU . youItnow minority population some- sextled roommates to heme Lhoose abstinent‘e. at thist‘niyersuy. Teyh aer EMU EMU EMU iluie Unnerrst’tym uhere in the iiorld is prob yiho‘s getting it on] (all it in responGiGible for global \\ arm rig out Gommuch Just to ably being {Lined to Glaie a the Sexual hlaintenanLL- (ha WHV IS it [mum in the in g. “e haie often heard \-I (Editor'L note. Linux were \IulICL dorm floors. student away creating LonndomG lust Squad (S and M'si Lan put .1 Buxmms \‘L‘oh oItBSI and i\ Gore and otherste l soih Lii'ilizedby"emu groups and SHS with these so some couple (an i.” stop to it Lurrtintli izimiim forher MRS baGiLally thL- \\ hole “Orld “Ill emu ldll“ tools loi promiisstuity ( hoose Lonflitt free. Choose _ o to you. my fellmx t‘laGs dt‘q LL‘ She I.\‘ I’ll It! (if be unde r\\”iter beforelong A astb ern e- only policy abstintetnL- mates and my Uni\er51ty‘.l the Organization U”Arts and bet iuseof gt]ialb nFmmum uouIdbe ally to enact. first I,urthermore thel Inner‘ urge you to abstain. Clean Stiemes Majors (Org IS M.) iiin \oii' ask y'sour:eli“ho atthuuGnu is one0:,“the off stop offering condom Sity (an deiL-lop anonymous up thiG t‘.ampus Lei an up and i L1 (11” be readied at he iiefitsfromthat ManatL-es. .t sandal allooier the plate. Sa|\e some hortnliines. II \olink of your life anrid help ennd Lhild nLiigettinmiy- 1: riLiIniLIiI.L‘L1ni. Ol course. They want to take 'ILII iynrtrisIii/English IZI'ore ruubbertrtees fore ng out onehaaiv rigs \1“'tit G riot nbor in third \\or ld Lon over the “or d. but currently hisin: tngua eehLorne! litud‘ some poor (’V’plt’tllPd hilt‘d \itth thin ixallGia nd dom prodtitini: L: Liiintries cannot suri‘ne on land. All unintelligiblle to theyrest of mix

God, I hate hippies

IV MM U'lEILlV C"[D SUEMIW 2. Green Action

hen I was ap Idon' t eien knim \\ here proat hrd about to bLgin Kllht hi lotI‘Lh oi wiriiiniz a Lolumn ht ial agenda ot Lampus enii How To 6901 A HiPPY tor Studt‘nt libel. ronmeiitali.'roupsGliketireen Imiist say thallixas sur- tion is to \Lork l()\id rds prised, Granted I h proi 1d1nnit a Go stalnable and L'Vdi'tli been on goodterms naturtilli beautitul tampus. with Student l 1111 nor since but t tan tell you right noix I plnLL-d almost t-\ery LoIIL-ite that thiG. tsatliad of trap. Ihe tdiior in mi ”Hall truth is that the onl\ reason ' dimer emittiiiiiit-iitaliGtG ght' a Lure N the trt1L>G and son this Limptis 1G L-y all [anoi ide Ilh't' hid d me about the in}: plat es itir tht-m to sneak tidiLulouG iiiiiiihrr ot Iiippit'G tip ehind Wu and .iniquh

I. '1 c a I.‘ \oii iiith iuiil attG .ibtiut 25 Mhlt ti promiiibtrit RLpuubli painta rust L .iiiiptiG pii tiin1 polititiaiit Iu bead habi GLdull It lhisGtanipiis is Lr iod.i\ I hopL ttit1i th tdIt n by mgisith too tii.iiti hippit Gtor lht' unirrt-Is on In llltllth .IUuGtiIi doirrig that to you \ll I t.iti do is tL1|| 3 Am one who lii es in the you istut kiiith oi tiippiL-G are Mashl (oop present on thtG L 11; iiG. Mid lei iou do tlit‘ rrGt Iht1L ti on 1G thL litrgL‘Gt “(\lll"llppl1'\lhsll ytiu'llt'iL r 1. Student “other \lliam'e tiiid \\tiLier 11G mt niht iG.ii praising [ht anlitarinii traits in. nothing iiititiiateG .L til .1 utt muting

ttt it: iuutltu txrtiptiiattlt G 51.? tt..1' thL tr tom 1.1 hula m.tiG on NJ“mum...“ In L..- is.“ ‘..tirt niurtiti' . t.i‘ hk‘a'll“ \t 1 LL 'ht Gpti.v ‘ka' \lal\i tt1,G .1 1'

8 STUDENT LIBEL ‘ DEPOFTE’; Delll Athletlcs SoobiAndreIBerman1deportes©studdeath corn MONDAY | APRIL 2. IN? DEPORTES

This week in sports CAMPUS CONSTRUCTION INCORPORATED BY TRACK TEAM

INTRAMURALS Bawden strikes out three times in IM softball hame

Junior Tommy Baiiden who “It has too slow." the self-proclaimed Spent two seasons in theRRed Alter whiihng for a third "Sing: Gian. mpriortooenroll- time. Bawden let his frustration ue Commissioner Sean ing at Wash. U.. struck out three get t e est of him. e cursed Curtisghad no comment on t he ramural soft- duly re protedly exclaiming: subje nd an 1d- balleSgamea 1an Tuesday night. 'Curt Schillingis one th1ng but . er 5. Viho have askeedethat then wdn as football this kidsmTKE" a t b player went down stsinging al nesses chuckled thor- three times in the co——.ed SIC“- oughly. as Ba“den directedahis pitch battle on the IM field. angst at veteran umpire “1 st wasn’t used tottah t Tha tion will be taken against the kind of velocity." explained the 11 l’Eaiiden Phi Delta Theta brother. 1 former minor league inﬁelder was then tossed Irom tehe-con FOOTBALL Guthrie to quit football team, become folk singer

ash. U, running back Scot- in my name for Chrissake." industry.'I think there‘s a lot tie Guthrie announced at ow-former impact of demand for a non—peaceful press conference yesterday player who is a distant relative folkie I want to make ard-hit- that he will not be returning to of \toodie and Arlo “If those tinggfolk singing the new big the gridiron next season. Gtuth- other Guthries cannmake it rie dropped football so that he canl" addd teh Asked if his approach to folk could have time to focus on is thrie believes his football ' nin epen e\perience at “a hi in the folkaworld: spon e .“ do whatlwant. ‘rn “Itts in my blood. I mean 1t‘ 5 a real n1che to make innthe a Gut me

Kindbom drops F-bomb According to sources inside worrying about football " “P 0rd is an embarrassment the program. Wash. U football Ki ndbom who is known to anyone afﬁliated with this coachBLarry Kindbom dropped more for his ability to find and UniiersityiastaideKindbom in a rub duri glast week’s distribute borderlinne inspira prepaareds tional speecesh clifhismeusemoi the word than forphisproianity. issued a statement apologizing for his be ha\ “I apologize to God. my0tame Barkley Iunderstand that I‘ ma ily. Mark Wrighton. andt role moed l. " 8011 eryone who is. afﬁliated with and playing the saxophone not Bears football. My use of the Student attempts to jump over crane, clears bar Instead. 0000000175. BASKETBALL Syvertsen, Blood to get married Cross Country kid also runs track In an effort to bronost his name in hopes of increasing nate among his teammates. "I street cred and ea more his rep within theW h. U. bas unno. man. No one ca - as.h U Cross Coountry respectiv.ely The soophom ly specialized athletics. it‘s nice plaaying time Phil Synwertsemn ketball program Head Coach nounce Syvertsen, With my starWKevin Opp is also a star in naged successfulScampaigns to know that athletes like Opp of the men‘s hasketball tea Mark Edwards has criticized newSlast name. they know who5 long-distance Track and Field inaboth sports over the are still out there playing more proposed to volleyball freshm 53 \1ertsen in the pastfor being bos events. 2007 school year. prompting than one sport. Not only does man Vic 1 Blood Friday night at ‘pasle annd so Vicki Bloodo declined com Th 1.1. t Tath-IC. this kid run. he also runs.” said Bear’s Den SA)\1ertsen explained that his ment. An Oct er wedding has impressively managed ca- profile Oppin That- LameNew: the piece. Teh sophomore shootinng v.name Phil Blood. sounds Graham Chapel is planned. reers in long distance running guard plans to take Blood‘5 last intimidating and wouldr and longer distance running. a"in this day and age of high-

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MONDAY l APRIL 2. 2007 Irish Dockwurker / Erin McFulis / scadenzstat©studdeath com STUDENT LIBEL | SCADENZSTAR 9 Wash. U. intruduces dining changes Bon Appétit replaced by British company

3' EUZABETII IASTIWITIIAIEE appear on menus all around merits include replacing all TURKEY CLUB 0N RYE LOVER mp . utrthermore. French ketchup VViihm atl negar fries Will 1:be eliminated in an unprecedented busi- faVV1or of chips. UniVer51tV ofﬁCials are pud , Scottish food s tion, MaIIIDCkSl'Odl VVill be adding lt‘s g to the paint a new station. the East India to increase food diVeran on “here i haV ea harder ime Trading station. which VVill ca mpusby phasin out all fin C1ng a plain hamburger offer spicesandother Indian mpus”said concerned cuisine faV student ChrisE .Al TeeneVV0companV VViill be Brthish counter though lm get ting usedt replacing Suban VVith a pi111.b Maje stV’ssKi gndrom the idea of the haggis at the VVhereeI—lapppV Hour VVilI nou gave birth to this country of Scott‘sman5 Car take pla 'st ime Ameri» Ka ldi's coffee in Wihisper s. “Thisch‘arkens back totthe Ursa's andCthe Hilltop Bakery daVs of the Ratskellar.‘ said will bereplaced by tea and Peepkins III. "A bit ofa le D neVer did anVone anV har he look forward to a VV arm k reception from the student bracettea in pa 0d 35' since toca has antioxidants B&D securitV WlII be and health ben promptly replaced bV hobbies T e statiosri isealso rsd. targetedrfor immeeiad removal since Peeperkins 1811 Mallinckrodt and Center Views crepes as “gdaner Court. The station first tar- totthe young. impressmn- geted for elimination is the able minds and stomachs of ous dru nks tuden Fryer innBea seD .H me to Ameri fryer line onH‘VEEk:ns.cl American favorites such as aplans will be ad- Di rector of Student Health chick tenders justeed accordingly The point . SerVices Alan GalIshsadooes sy ste mwill be replac ed by adVise hoVVeV1er, stu- removal mpus students dents bewaryof bheefpr-od asn“astep in the right direc- can registerhfor theTsmaaltles ucts offeredu der the new no meal lant ea-Te meplan food administration as they ish breakfast favorites T ose preViously acclusetomcd may be tainted with‘mad cow will include soft boilede to the laarger p01omt allotments disease of the Bountiful plan no sign up for the. Union Wouldyou care for some of the d ac“I‘ve already added Queen’s peas? How about some ites include toead in the0 cilble pouunds.’ said offcampus royal lamb's feet? May I interest you JOHN?" TREMAIN | STUDENT MEL and Shepherd5 pieB resident Eati n Lot in some bad teeth with that? 7 sausage and mutton V1V1illClalso er minor adjust 'E/lo, poppet. Would you care for some scrumpets or mad cow with your side of bad teeth and dry humor. Hunting and gathering: new exciting Choice for student dining

111 THE SILVER r1111 Foraagecr. students VVill receiVe PREDllTOR th panV' ng “LiVVe ike

Under heaV1 y student ssui‘e to provide awwder selection of dining options lncludd ampus. ashsington arV1eslt1"basket e University administration wild fruits and vegetables a recentlyintro ucaed pass key to the electric fence meal plan beuoffered8to all which will surround t ul- future classes. starting with tiV1atedc ps. an a conve- the incoming Clas f2011. nient. sawoed-off shotgun to The plang.lentati\1ely called aid in their pursuit of fresh the For arllows students game. Likely sources of meat to experience a fresher selec- will include pigeons rabbits tion of meats and Vegetables squirrels pre--frosh and rare found arounds different parts oit e campu The mai n diffseerle tre melV optimistic about the between the Foragerand the implications oft plan and current meal plans is that ' is readV t0 puutiitintoCarcntion. rather than swiping a card “Thi1s1 san histtor ant f the UniVerslriltlyand by Bon Appétit em for that matter. allu ersi- ties across our cou Chancellor Karm No longerVV conﬁned to eati others teredm a breeding practices catering ered rot erVVise prepar d tsoForagerubsc r1ibe rs. “ho for them. " rts ciences VVill b: free to pick fruits and r1 beerrie atanV time e.V'er Just astthckKosher Cart is restricted to students on the she r meal plan.a the new orchards. fields nd mehado ill be restrit ted Me like rabbit. Mmmmm, tasty lll belly Somewhat gamey. Good wrth Mil/er High Ute to Foragcsir use andVV ill be constanth monitored for tion has been concerned VVith out drunk aiter\\,l.L1), nth plana tion to deit-nd iht pl‘dfl ft'ti\\iill'. i1l1\\I‘\IT,I’\pltllln trespassers. SeV:ral cmpsn the propoosed dL‘(\0Ilon oi the Vear' I his is utteer inchusr to co nVert .‘Viiudd Field to “\11VIMV1-aruld 1V . Cism surrounding the imple entire Brookiiig s Quadrangle series oi honeV bee (i)ll)ﬂl‘u\ dtitsii t l. iioVV his VVaV around ha3V1 beeen 11 st sed as ca ,5 ble." didates to be pluinu-d includ mentai ion of theForag er tos iigr humtultiV\all(in Md. loud eVpldined. “-Vgr NaittV conLc-rn h i\ ii i 1: gauge has ing blackberries.soeaVb s. plan though the administra- concerned par eni \\l't)ll‘ in. ri‘tultural space is sparse also Vrtippi (I up. namelV (IltiliU wt in my, admitted to pies. swreetVam s andn tion “as quicktooids “I uad isV Vetnod to ntiul’ (aiiipus. s i VVe'Vt- wt surrounding the t‘s‘ii’lllldI sh ion 1 nin1rsitV 1n the Bradford pa sessorf cropljnrid 111V sriiinVVill haVe to make the best iii \Vh‘ll 1V1- tortiitvr stirV iVal pat hdut‘ first plate." quit le a Onnce signerd up for the Voncern. Some 01 thetopp051 no plan- in tlimiortabiV p iss hd\t" Ht also ustd this‘\' \iitligirVV has quit k Ii) “ I Iiiist- ingrtilrs go to funny."

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10 STUDENT LIBEL I SCADENZSTAR Irish Dockwonier / Erin McFuIts / scadenzstarOstudduthbom MONDAY | APRIL 2. m1 4——_ . now delicious A Glimpse into SE Your Future: I and nutritious! . Horoscopes for April BY TEIGH STEE CONDUMB PROFESSIONAL CONTRACEPTIVE TASTER IT IN Mill m In an effort to increase PSYCHIC GYPSY .0. 53”.:4X10“! 22 \itamin inta k- - um Ilﬁndttruelove this month.uU.niortuniitely (v, Anes our true low w ill ghe)you meloped March 21—April 19 gonorrhea. condoms thatt 1.1] It5 Keep America a\lailable to the entire Univ-er Re 111month so 0 might want to really think Scorpio about geetting thatn ejoob ()tloher2 merica technicallysupports November 21 United States to start their own individuality.but thatlist I] This month. failure con om experiments. e conv do t ghe you the right to be isn't an option —i'ts a fac doms target several essential indisvidually ugly in a country Luckily. in today‘s society. fall~ vitamins. Read on to learn how obsessed with perfection. Get canh you can improve your health— on it. buster. nd. suc-cc simply by having sex! e ecorne the subjectnot a major motion picture. Vitamin A WU Doctor Tester Everyone knons that keen U “"1""? eyesight is vitalin Iife and this Sagittarius

5. magic. you will November 22- WU Student Approved be transformed Intto a tan December 1 1987 0rd Taurus witth gre Burst out of your bubble and

interior. 13-inch Giiovanni teires explore the world around you. a Mm“ Travel to East St. Louis. pick mi1k lovers out there. there up a prostitute and take a wild vitamin C is ‘ ' .- currently being produced. Vitamin K equipped with a cassette tape idei vored condoms. For those of maintaining body tissues and Flavors like chocolate. vanilla Although relatively ob- deck. powerwin ows. power . . . . e 1— 1 . L . a- n uswho loie eggs. the specialU scure. 11.1 locks. air conditioning and L “ "surely do loaded with Vitamin D in help -for normal blood clotting. if 178.000 mils 1.1 . . . . it Capricorn taste like a delicious egg crois wonders for your member. December 22- Cararortconnoisseursyou These condoms. as the singer scrapes and cuts would be January 19 Vitamin C once intelligently Vitamin E much worse. Foods like pork sung. are sure to “put a smile Without' and'1.11111 7 May 21 June 21 letter you gotrfro scrumptious carrot taste. on your face." tamin your body tissues would ry in acquiring this vitamin. Things look pretty cellor s‘nt a.Yhoax suifer.Vitan-11alnmtai so condom flavors like pork good thismonth. Buy indeed fail all your midterms. Vitwamin C Vitoam nD important body:tissues innsyour and different cheeses are now some cake. Eatit you are in ee bei to help reduce the risk urbodies would be notth- .skin andli naddi- available. kicked out of this fine institu- of cwatching a cold while eangg- ingwithout bonee.s These vita- tion.this vitannheprotects your tion. Pack our ags. say your ing in sexual activity with that min D condo e therefore lungs frrom air pollutionraand IWith the Wash. U. Medical 0" Cancer goodbyes, and get on out. spec1a1 somene. range juice specially designed to help you ~ June 22—]uly 22 keep strong. healthy bones. blood cells. Usually. you would med schoolin the universe. it's You will get cancer e 1, “a no wonder that thesev this week w Aquarius health is some Ionf thesegreat forming strong teeth and ab» of this vitamin. Now. you can ruin-enricched condomsthave M january20— He“ cornndo sorbing L ' ‘ L wu- ju ‘iln of the I. .1 n to delicious orangedflavorned body need .“ a“rid. Leo This is going to“be the best ndo s. itmam nC condo will really give your teeth the nut lovers out there (and these condoms, sex can now be July 23—August 22 monthy uhave hadin aolong also come in gralpefruit, lemon something to sink into. like the mu' 1 luv: ‘ " ' ‘ ‘ the VH1 has decided to time. Butdont forget about ariad d otherc1trsu savm y 111111 y~r ‘ nuts?). same time. film a new reality ' the people who likedyou even fruitsStshart will help your body line‘ ‘* ' come in ' ‘ ‘ nut "11:11 11 lng'IlCll'iugP " n "" rlifi 11 ' I and you will make a perfect ceptable to be seen withoyou up )Uui ' ferent ' “ are to almond. cast member. Get readyto be As soon as your life returns eucdev‘d sion of your former self. And hell). youre going to need a few don't you even dare t to cen- real friends to fall back on. sor what you do—this is reality TV. after all Pisces . Feohmary 19—Man:II 20 WWW.STUDDEATH.00M Virgo will have sex with August 23- a beautiful celebrity, who September 22 inakleal yoour dreams come This monthis going true. He will presentyou.with L nrlrl nmnn Do your best tonavigate the and takeeyou on longw murky waters of college life ntebh ac.h Have the time of Use the buddy system. eat lots your life2with Pauly Shore! of fresh fruits. and never forget to packlip balm

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A story of inspiration: she cuts it the straight way'

BY "MAW UVAHERD inside. Others. in spite of receiv- den withlmore pizzazz. AKA TOMMY PlCKLES 1 ing lots of disintegrating peels “Iw nthe dorm showers on a regular basis. still manage withouatsmy contacts in and asI When life throws lemons. to make apre ty delicious cup of rummage around in msyshower lemonade. addy I sliced the nail on the Take a look at Lorrie Snooter, right middle finger in halt“awith afreshman at Wash. U. This year my Venusrrazor blade.I she haas to deal with the horrors truly painful. Since thenWit’5 been of a ripped nail and there is no really hard." she sai one that could shoulder this bur- Snootter as been dealing with this condition for over two weeks and it's caused her a multitude of pro . “Well. during the first week. I’m so sad. I have a gross ﬁnger Woe is me. Boo I100 I100. W the cut wasn't heaIin11g right so My life sucks. if Iih.a is so beautiful, why do roses have thorns? ’ory' Iwas bleedinng quite a lot. Band Aisd didn’t really stem the flow someoneuShe has trouble writ- Savion Glover. much. I be]do my campus card ing bee she can't put has encountered some when I was handin it to ca- ressuraeuon the nail and almsoc shiers. Meeting people was kind doesn't want to flip everyone else r cut. She sa ‘s that s ‘ of hard too. because I cool 11 't offaas she w.rites snooteter sttill people see her red. black anti-i .5 goes to class. of course, though blue appen dageand sneer the severe stiinging in her naii turn their noses up a her. sometimes makes it hard for her to pay an ntion. Because of her initiry. it's not saiid Snooter definitively. eyes always look reluctant to shake possible for Snooter. an avid ath- focused straigt ahead. “tissues. someon and" et.e to participate in sports the most people have beeen very . ooter has found ways way she use warm and supportive. I told my‘ ' to work around her problem was on thevolleyball team. floor what was up wheenithan- though. For instance.since she but since myi my finger can't shake handst complains everyetime I hit the ey ensates with an ex— ball." said Sn mg I have really ISIUDKNT UBE riffriendly smile and a sunny nherexercise. Snooter Ew, ldon’i want to touch this giri‘s hand. What the hellIs that onherfinger? I think . disposition. She w1gesgl her se took uptap dancing. and it turns As she should. Keep scoot; I’Ingarma on. show that sheespecially likes out she might just be the next Snoot

Career Center uses Game of Life to place students

BY ANITA IDBE careers salaries and life choices ingsenior employment opportu- sor. “Then we can focus solely on sity. since that’senot a job option CAREER COUNSELOR achievesdiduuinr hose kids and not work so hard “ agreat way toeplace [‘l‘Osnc e\e see what their future to weed out all the dumb. opti- In order toa keeep alum employ- In an effort to place more people in1 jobs t ey can be suc- job will be we can ment numbers up. howwve the graduating seniors in successful cessful in." corn meal Career e right track immediately and The University also views the Career Center and the University joosb. the Career Center will be Center advisor and Wash. U. alum not bother with atther c ass op- new program as a wa to teac 11 to work with Milton Bradley using theGGame of Life to deter- Jane Read. “When someone picks tions." saiid Dean.McLeod “It's students about raising a family. to add' Center A mis mine student strengths wea that police officer car e ective and cost efficient." purchasing insurance and earn sions officer" to the job cards. ses and interests. Students countant card or artist card. you the plan will also ating seniors without “ill meetwwith a Caareer Center know it was meant to end the flood of freshmmen into “Thais me is about as close other job options are our best official inho is typically a Wash. watch how the students progress the premedicalp m. as you can get to real life [just work force," said McLeod, “so we alum any“ay) an through the game with their card "'W is system one kid per wisyh I had this opportunity when just want to make sure we keep selections." I “as a student," saidlmatS lil- the game and job options unbi- he University expects to see er. “Then ybe I uladn‘t ased Center officials will take note of great improvements in graduat- Regina Fried. chemistry profes still be working for the Univer-

WashingtonUniVersity 1n§tlouis