Sport Games
page 9 Bottle match big one Multiplayer gaming
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Guardian Student Newspaper of the Year
e student newspaper of Imperial College
No. 1,375 • Friday • 2 March 2007 • ffelixelix felixonline.co.uk Harrods’ guitars Elections EMERSON VIGOUREUX results announced! Candidates who work for Felix sweep the board at this year’s elections, leaving the Union in complete shock and awe
Andy Sykes cumbent of the role will be ____ tions to all the candidates who Editor-in-chief ______, who beat ______, weren’t elected, and those who ______and ______re- were but don’t know it yet. Thursday night didn’t see the re- soundingly/narrowly to claim lease of the results for the sabbat- victory. N.B. This copy of Felix is ical and NUS delegate elections, The prestigious posi- interactive; feel free with a shockingly high / low* turn- tion of Felix Editor was to fill it in when (and out of __%. claimed by ______if) results are an- This year’s elections have been ______a random nounced. The first somewhat unusual, and have seen outsider / a Felix correct copy deliv- the formation of the Union’s first veteran. ered to the Felix of- “slate” or “party” (mainly from The results mean fice will earn the Southwell Hall), as well as a large that the Union is bearer the prince- number of fresh-faced candidates now run by mostly ly sum of £20. standing for President. new faces / hacks / a If you’d like to Next year’s President will be mixture of hacks and know why the ______, in a shock/pre- new faces. With three front cover is in- dictable result. S/he won by a huge positions contested by complete, turn to landslide/gnat’s genitalia, with ___ candidates that have page 2 for the com- _ votes compared to nearest rival, worked for Felix in the plete story on this ______, who got only ____ past, the Union is now year’s elections. votes. This means the new Presi- run by ex-Felix students dent will be the slate candidate / a / has escaped a media scot / a current sabbatical / a girl takeover. / a joke. Congratula- The elections for Deputy Presi- dents proved somewhat more/less interesting. For Deputy President (Education & Welfare), ______took the majority of the vote, leav- ing ______in second place. For Deputy President (Clubs & A Fender Pixalator guitar on display at the “Harrods Rocks” Societies), the slate suffered a de- exhibition in Knightsbridge. Security has been tight around feat/trounced the opposition. This the store over the last week as various vintage guitars arrived, makes ______the winner. including the first Fender Stratocaster ever made. The attempt The hotly-contested position to break the world record for most guitarists jamming together of Deputy President (Finance & had to be cancelled after local residents expressed concern over Services) attracted a large/small the noise levels. number of votes. The next in- 2 felix Friday 2 March 2007
NEWS [email protected] Elections 2007: uhm, no results yet No results by Felix’s deadline day, Union Court called in to deal with a dispute between the President and the Executive Committee, and candidates’ expressing dissatisfaction with the process – Felix explains all
Andy Sykes occurred, as the meeting had taken of interest, having seconded or candidates must sign a declaration hassle free elections,” said one Editor-in-chief place in closed session. They were otherwise supported one or more which says that the election is free candidate, who wished to remain not aware Mr Collins had been re- candidate in the sabbatical and/or and fair. So far, very few sabbatical anonymous. Another candidate Election results were not an- moved as Returning Officer for NUS elections. However, even if candidates have signed it. found the elections to be somewhat nounced as anticipated on Thurs- alleged bias, or that Eric Lai had more members of Exec had been Candidates approached by Felix less than satisfactory: “The whole day evening, leaving many (includ- taken over the role for the time be- present, almost all would have who had not signed the declara- thing was a complete fucking sham- ing the candidates) questioning ing. An email was received by all faced this conflict. tion said that they either had out- bles,” adding that he had signed the when they will be available. candidates reminding them to send standing complaints that had not declaration but he regretted doing campaign material for approval Why call the Court? been resolved (such as a Felix Edi- so. One candidate referred to the The initial complaints to [email protected] only, If the Court decides it was not con- tor candidate who has seen some- election as “the most farcical I’ve A complaint was initially made rather than copying Mr Collins in stitutional for Exec to remove Mr one systematically removing their seen in my time at Imperial.” Most against the Returning Officer, John (as had previously happened). Collins as Returning Officer, then posters) or that they felt it was candidates have expressed unhap- Collins (who looks after the whole Neither the removed Returning this does not remove any claim of not appropriate while the status piness with the hustings, one call- election, and is supposed to make Officer nor Mr Lai would reveal any bias against Mr Collins; rather, it of the Returning Officer was still ing it “a complete and unmitigated sure it is run in a fair and unbiased facts about what occurred; the de- forces Exec to meet to discuss the undetermined. farce”. Some candidates expressed manner). The complaint seems to tails were not made public until the complaint again, and decide if the dissatisfaction with Mr Collins’ role have been made in response to a Court Chair, Hamish Common, was allegations of bias are valid. A complete farce as Returning Officer, one citing his post a candidate made on Live! (the involved. Why John Collins has not ap- It appears the candidates are some- apparent inability to keep his anger online CGCU newspaper). The post pealed directly to Council, the su- what disillusioned by the process as in check, though recognising that insinuated that Mr Collins had not The long arm of the Court preme body of the Union, remains well. Felix has approached each of being RO is a difficult task. been entirely truthful in his com- Mr Collins was clearly very un- unknown. A new Exec may well the candidates for comment. “This munications with candidates. happy with the decision, and was make the same decision. sorry debacle has had no effect on The future Shortly afterwards, Mr Collins apparently offered the chance to the outcome whatsoever and even Though all this farcical to-ing and sent an email to the candidate in reconvene Exec to discuss the So what does this all mean? if he [Collins] feels wronged he fro-ing will probably have little ef- question, which included language complaint again rather than pos- Election results will be delayed. For should just stop whinging and take fect on the election results, it has that implied that disciplinary action sibly hold up the election. Felix can how long, no-one knows. Before one for the team to preserve the in- done little to improve the Union’s would be recommended against only assume he rejected this offer, results can be announced, all the tegrity of what were, on the whole, public face. the candidate. The candidate then as the newly-created Union Court asked for the post to be removed. has been dragged into play. It seems that this candidate felt An oddity of this situation is that discriminated against by Mr Col- Mr Collins is not the one who made lins for this and other reasons, and the appeal to Court; instead, the ap- therefore filed a complaint. Other peal was made by Jad Marrouche, complaints against Mr Collins RSCU President, who was not were also discussed by the Execu- present at the Exec meeting and tive, who met in closed session last has so far stayed relatively clear of Thursday (which means the media central Union politics. Mr Collins had no access to the proceedings) has been spotted discussing the to discuss them. Felix is not privy to matter in the RSCU office recently. the details of the complaints. The Court has been asked to de- cide if the decision to remove John Secrecy Collins as Returning Officer was At the closed session, Mr Collins constitutional. The appeal centres presented his defence against the on four points; insufficient time to allegations of bias. However, Exec consider the issue, conflicts of in- voted to remove him as Returning terest by members of Exec, rele- Officer with immediate effect. vant evidence unavailable, and pro- John appears to have taken the cedural irregularities (otherwise decision very badly, and was later known as poor quality hackery). seen in the Quad haranguing at Mr Collins apparently convened least one member of the five-strong the meeting himself, which lasted Exec with expletives. for more than three hours, casting Up until Tuesday this week, the doubts on the first point. It is true candidates had no idea what had that Exec members faced conflicts A pram. Toys exiting at high speed not pictured felix 1,375 Friday 02.03.07
JCR breakfasts Games for senile PCs “I am one of the select staunch “If you’re looking for games that supporters of the ‘fry-up’ breakfast won’t kill the sluggish excuse for since its glory days as the ‘All Day a PC you’ve got running MatLab at Breakfast’ in the JCR. My diet of home, or you’ve played as much two fried eggs, four hash browns Solitaire as a (wo)man can reason- and baked beans saw me through ably take, then you’ll be looking for many a lecture.” some fresh multiplayer options. Fe- PAGE 5 lix has just the ticket for you.” PAGE 17 Imperialitis cure “After a lengthy debate we feel we Hyde Park relays have the best solution for those “Those who really couldn’t wait to of you feeling (and looking) a little start running had arrived just be- worse-for-wear. We came up with fore 10:30 and an hour later dB’s this easy-make personal paper was full of students who had ar- bag.” rived from all over the UK.” PAGE 6 PAGE 20 Moaning abode Oscars coverage “Her style's not to everyone's taste, RSM losers “This week saw the most prestig- but she does have a unique take on “The Bottle Match kicked off in true ious awards ceremony in the film fashion. I mean that hair, who else style with a traditional RSM Bar calendar.“ would go out with that?” night.” PAGE 12 PAGE 13 BASICALLY THIS WEEK’S SPORT Felix needs you.
Without your contributions, Felix is nothing.
We’re currently in need of:
A Features Editor – someone committed and imaginative who’s ready to co-ordinate new features and interviews.
Features writers – people who want to add to their portfolio of writing by producing regular features.
A Business Editor – to restore the Business section to a regular weekly page. x News Reporters – reliable people who can
i research and write stories every week.
l Regular commentators – people with something to say who want a regular column. e Writers for every section – especially Science, Arts, Film, and Nightlife. f felix
If you feel you want to work for Felix, drop us a line:
[email protected] Varsity 2007
Imperial College Imperial Medicals VS Wednesday 7 March
Football, hockey, rugby and lacrosse at Harlington Sports Ground fi rst match kicks off at 12.00 JPR Williams Rugby Varsity Match Richmond Athletic Association Ground Kick off 19.30
Tickets from £6.50 or from £8.00 with return travel from South Kensington/Charing Cross included
Tickets available to buy online at www.imperialcollegeunion.org/varsity or from Ethos reception Friday 2 March 2007 felix 5 Comment&Opinion An open challenge to the sceptics Examing the Qu’ran in a critical, literary fashion – does it prove itself to be “inimitable”? Does the construction of the Arabic text reveal the presence of a divine hand?
with a (more than usual?) masterful plan, then surely his genius can be matched with the collective effort of humanity? What I want to show you is why Muslims regard the Qur’an as a piece of literary excellence, something that is totally inimitable by man, and thus miraculous. It is a proof that you may wish to disagree with, but it is rational, and so the belief is based upon reason. It is not arbitrary or inherited. First of all, what is Arabic poetry? Arabic poetry is a form of metrical speech with a rhyme. This rhyme is Omar Hashmi achieved by every line of the poem ending upon a specific letter. The n the many discussions I have metrical aspect comes in when you had on Islam, there seems can divide the Arabic up into differ- to be an underlying concept ent divisions (called in Arabic ‘al-bi- with those out of “the fold” – har’ or ‘the seas’) according to the that a belief in Islam is inher- pattern of short or long syllables Iently irrational and ultimately due used in the line (with some vari- to the unexplainable, fervent zeal of ance allowed). This was codified past-dead generations. Further, it is in the 8th Century by al-Khalili bin even more baffling that this belief is Ahmed and there are 16 distinct, making a resurgence. More Mus- separate seas. If there is a verse of The Qu’ran: written more than 600 years ago, and still not bettered? lims are practising than ever before, poetry not in these 16 seas, then it and more people are still becoming is either prose, or it is not Arabic. Muslim. A mere few years ago I There is no other way to construct life when applied in a sincere and the Qur’an as an outstanding evi- isn’t Allah asking you to do it? So was just another semi/non-prac- the Arabic languge. proper (not perverted) manner. All dential miracle” please do try, and whatever you tising Muslim, bored with strange, From a purely objective and struc- this from an illiterate forty year old (Islam: A Historical Survey. Ox- come up with I will diligently for- alien and ultimately “weird” beliefs tural view, the Qur’an does not fall man with no history of being a liar. ford University Press, p. 28) ward to every scholar/academy I in the face of the Enlightenment’s into any of the categories above, be No person, orientalist or eastern, Historically too, we can see that can find. If they can’t reply to you, glory. Today I am more observant they prose or rhymed. Some chap- has challenged that fact that prior the challenge has never been met. then I will push them to accept that and at ease with the liberation of ters contain some elements of the to the Qur’an, Mohammed was Those who knew classical Arabic the book can be forged. However, Islam than ever before. above rhyming seas, yet the style more inclined to asceticism and the best were the Arabs of Mo- we have been holding our breath The crux of the issue is this; how may switch quickly and smoothly to abandoning the world, rather than hammed’s time. Their attempts against intellectuals and linguists do we know that a self-professed prose. Thus, when a chapter is eval- persuading anyone about anything. at immitating the Qur’an are well for 1400 years, and I don’t anticipate prophet is truly from God? It is sim- uated as a whole, it is not possible Both western and eastern schol- documented. Examples such as that it will stop. ple – we challenge him on a miracle. to ascertain its literary form. The ars recognized the evident inimi- Musaylimah the liar and al-Muqaf- I can promise you that far from The following is Islam’s miracle: Qur’an therefore defines its own tability of the Qur’an. The Scottish fa’ are just two of many people who the Muslim community being out- “And if you (mankind) are in literary genre, with its own unique Orientalist Hamilton Gibb said that wanted Islam to be neutralised. raged at the audacity of the chal- doubt concerning that which We form that has surpassed attempts “with remarkable boldness and self There have been no acceptable imi- lenge, they will respect those who have sent down [the Qur’an] to Our by any other to come close to imi- confidence Muhammad appealed tations, and how can we expect to are sincere enough to search for slave Muhammad (peace be upon tating it. Such a peculiarity does not as a supreme confirmation of his do any better now with less knowl- higher Truths. him) then produce a chapter of the arise when evaluating any other lit- mission to the Qur’an itself. Like edge of the language comparred to Every time there is propaganda like thereof and call your witnesses erary work on the planet. all Arabs they were connoisseurs back then (though I’m sure more against Islam, its simply increases [supporters and helpers] besides You may think that God would of language and rhetoric. Well, then people want to try). the Muslim motivation for dialogue. Allah, if you are truthful” have spent too much time to make if the Qur’an were his own compo- So, if you want to try to copy it, Go on, wake the sleeping giant. (Author: God, The Qur’an, chap- the message aesthetically pleasing sition other men could rival it. Let then please do so! The shortest ter 2, verse 23) to have actually left any wisdom in them produce ten verses like it. If chapter in the Qur’an is three lines, Please see www.theinimita- If Muhammed was just a man, an- it. Yet the Qur’an brings a huge re- they could not, and it is obvious that so just try and copy three lines. It blequran.com for more detailed other politician grabbing at power lief and wisdom to the struggles of they could not, then let them accept cant be haram (forbidden), because literature. Too much technology spoilt the breakfast budget
Dear Sir, the new term, has been particularly es a free breakfast for every 9 pur- and if they did, well tough, they can I invite Felix to try a SCR breakfast infuriating: we are expected to en- chased within 2 calendar months, pay what everyone else pays since sometime, and discover the pleas- Like many other students, I am one ter a fantastic room used by college was long overdue and has proved they’re not supposed to be there ures of a good wholesome meal of the select staunch supporters of staff, postgraduates, visitors and extremely popular. anyway). with plenty of variety, but be fore- the ‘fry-up’ breakfast since its glory prospective students, purchase However, it would appear that Take for example a recent break- warned that his wallet may empty days as the ‘All Day Breakfast’ in our breakfast and swiftly remove amongst all these positive changes, fast I purchased at the SCR. I pur- somewhat faster than expected! the JCR. My diet of two fried eggs, ourselves to the JCR where we un- we are being overcharged for our chased 8 items (breakdown availa- four hash browns and baked beans kempt and dishevelled undergradu- daily breakfast. ble on request) which totalled £2.35 Yours truly, saw me through many a lecture, ates can gnaw at black pudding to Signs in the SCR clearly state according to the marked prices, but well fed, satisfied and ready to face our heart’s content. We are but food item prices, for a normal visi- was charged £2.69 after my card Unhappy in JCR any challenges ahead common students, why should the tor and for a student. As under- was swiped through the card read- Having seen various re-branding serving staff in the SCR be nice to graduates, we receive 10% discount er at the till. Whilst the difference is PS: whatever happened to the wa- strategies imposed upon this most us? and VAT exemption; whilst staff a matter of pennies, it is nearly 15% ter coolers in JCR? Do they expect legendary of college feasts, I have Not all the enforced changes have and postgraduates are denied this more than what I should have been us to buy all our drinking water witnessed drastic changes, such as been bad. For instance, the deci- latter luxury. It appears that the paying which is a matter of consid- from the shop, whilst our richer restricting breakfast serving times sion to play Heart FM’s ‘80s and computer system used at SCR tills erable concern. It defeats the pur- lecturers next door benefit from till 10:30am (not a civilised time by ‘90s cheese throughout breakfast neglects to award the full discount pose of the loyalty card, since by chilled distilled water straight this student’s calculations), and time in the MDH was greeted with available to us for whatever reason charging students 15% more each from t’Valley? the move of venue from the JCR, enthusiasm, but sadly cannot be (maybe they assumed when they time, catering can recoup the cost via the MDH, to the SCR. This last continued upstairs in the SCR. The built the system that no under- of the 10th breakfast and still make Andy Sykes replies: move, instigated since the start of loyalty card scheme, which promis- graduates would ever use the SCR a profit. We’ve passed it on to the right folks. STAPLE ALONG THIS LINE STAPLETHIS ALONG Felix self-help
The kind-hearted souls in the Felix The first issue we seek to address office have recently been concerned is personal appearance and self-es- that the students of Imperial are suf- teem. After a lengthy debate we feel fering from post-Christmas blues. we have the best solution for those In response to this we have decided of you feeling (and looking) a little to run a self-help section each week worse-for-wear. We came up with to help guide our readers through this easy-make personal paper bag. to sunnier times and exams. Can you think your way out of it?
FOLD ALONG THIS LINE
CUT EYE HOLES HERE STAPLE ALONG THIS STAPLE LINE unionpage Centenary Update
all and itʼs named after the Imperial God of Rock event. The match kicks off at 19.30 at Richmond Tickets can be and hair products, Brian May! Athletic Association Ground. purchased:
So before we close the book on the wonder that is Tickets are required for this match. For a map and Online from the February and present it with its month of the year directions to the ground please goto the Richmond Imperial College sash, I wanted to notify the jury on a little gem called Athletic Association Ground website, Union website. March. March to me is special as it welcomes in the www.londonscottish.com. Upon purchase, smell of Varsity. A period in the Collegeʼs year, you will receive where friends become enemies and lovers become Tickets a confi rmation haters, for just a few days. For those who have been £6.50 email which you a sleep for a few years or are new to IC, varsity is Advanced ticket for entry to evening JPR Williams will need to print Shiv Chopra the chance for the medical school to exhibit why Rugby match only. off and exchange Medic President we are the crème de la crème of Imperial. The day for a ticket medic.president@ allows for the medical school clubs to compete £7.50 on the gate at against the rest of Imperial in a whole host of On the gate ticket for JPR Williams Rugby match Richmond Athletic imperial.ac.uk sports from waterpolo to lacrosse and of course only. Association Ground the big J.P.R. Williams rugby trophy in the evening. Varsity carries with it the underlying message that £8.00 For any further information, please contact the medical school is a unique entity and that itʼs Travel from South Kensington/Charing Cross to Imperialʼs Sports Development Offi cer, Nick Gore, individuality needs to be respected. It is more than Richmond for the evening JPR Williams Rugby [email protected]. just a sports competition. This year varsity comes match only. with a few delightful little twists, one being that it Right to Play, a registered charity, is the offi cial is Imperialʼs big 100 and the Faculty of Medicineʼs £10.00 charity for the JPR Williams Rugby Varsity Match. 10th birthday this summer and two, that we have a Travel from South Kensington/Charing Cross to Right to Play is an athlete-driven international new competition added to the pot…athletics (Which Harlington, entry to Harlington matches, travel to humanitarian organisation that uses sport and play you will read about in my next exciting instalment). Richmond, entry to JPR Williams rugby match and as a tool for development of children and youth in So below, is a little highlight of the fun packed day travel back to South Kensington/Charing Cross. the most disadvantaged areas of the world. March is always a weird period for myself and the next week. www.righttoplay.org.uk blonde as it is one of those months that just creep up on you when you least expect it. One thought that 2007 welcomes another exciting Varsity she has on the month is that it follows February, the programme with an array of spectator sports on time for love, romance and RAG. A hub of activity off er. The day entails outdoor sports at Harlington surrounds the students at the College as most plan Sports Ground including football, rugby, lacrosse their event in the shortest month of the year. Now and hockey, indoor sports at Ethos including water this confuses me, (as well as the misses, but this polo, badminton, netball, basketball and squash; was to be expected as she is non-Imperial) why fi nishing the day with the spectacular ICU RFC and would the top students in the country, if not the ICSM RFC clash in the JPR Williams Rugby Varsity world plan events; a) in February and b) all at the Match at Richmond Athletic Association Ground. same time? There must be something magical or mysterious about the month! The same hypnotic Harlington Sports Ground type drug that gets people to spend hundreds on Events kick off from 12.00 at Harlington with their loved ones for a day invented by Clinton cards Imperial and Imperial Medics teams battling it out is infecting our students and getting us to pile a in football, rugby, lacrosse and hockey matches. whole host of events together. Tickets are required for the matches at Harlington.
When speaking to some of the students who lie on Ethos the sofas outside my offi ce, they had a few ideas The water polo, badminton, basketball and on why February was so unique. A few suggestions netball sides are back for some more competition were “itʼs hard to spell the month”, (she was a non this year and squash has also been added to the medic) another student was more philosophical and programme. tried to use some historical fact to his argument… “February is probably named after a Greek God and Due to the lack of viewing areas in Ethos, we will not that God must have been pretty crap or something be selling tickets to the Ethos matches. and so they decided it should be the shortest month of the year”. Both are very sound arguments JPR Williams Rugby Varsity Match to my question but taking the fi rst studentʼs idea on The fi fth year in the eventʼs history, 2007 promises names being a factor when deeming the importance even stronger competition, excellent rugby, and of a month…why not May? Surely, it is the most a very vocal and enthusiastic crowd. An offi cial extreme of the twelve? For starters it does not even Centenary event, the JPR Williams Rugby Varsity end with “ary”, it possesses the least letters of them match is the Collegeʼs largest sports spectator Council Elections 2007 Nominations for Council Elections 2007 are now open.
You can stand at imperialcollegeunion.org/vote for the following positions: • Council Chair • Equal Opportunities Offi cer • Welfare Campaigns Offi cer • RAG Chair • CAG Chair
for more info: imperialcollegeunion.org/elections
Imperial College Union, Beit Quadrangle, Prince Consort Road, London SW7 2BB imperialcollegeunion.org Tel: 020 7594 8060 Want to advertise your event in Felix?
ONLY BY EXPERIENCED STYLISTS NOW 10% DISCOUNT £26 ..... LADIES ON ALL COLOURING £20 ..... MEN SERVICES Normal Price £48 CASH ONLY ‘Still the best student offer in South Kensington!’ 15a Harrington Road South Kensington London SW7 3ES (1 Minute walk from
South Kensington Tube) Telephone 020 7823 8968 www.freshhairdressers.co.uk Friday 2 March 2007 felix 9 Faculty Elections How will your voice be heard? RCSU nominations are now open. Felix talks you through the positions and explains why you should stand
he Royal College of Sci- Welfare Officer Events Officer Broadsheet Editor ence Union has been If you care about the students of the Events Officer is a job for people Broadsheet is a glossy magazine making the headlines RCSU and want to be the official who are organised, fun and socia- of 12 to 24 pages of news from the in Felix quite a lot re- student condom dispenser then you ble, including organising a range faculty, produced twice per term. cently. What with the should apply for the Welfare Officer of events for Fresher’s week and The editor’s job is to collect the ma- TScience Challenge, Ritz event and position! You need to be available to throughout the year, like bar nights, terial, construct the issue, and get office fiasco, it has been cementing talk to students: I strongly recom- pub crawls, club nights, buddies it printed. The editor also puts to- itself as a force to be reckoned with mend being available for weekly events, RAG events... Well the list gether the RCSU Freshers’ Hand- in the Union. surgeries. You will represent the is endless and it’s basically up to book over the summer. Nominations are now open for the students views in committees like you to provide organised fun events RCSU officer positions. If you want the Representation and Welfare that appeal to a very diverse union. Departmental Representative to represent students, organise Board. At the start of the year you This job is for people with an imagi- (by the current Physics Rep) events, fight campaigns or decide will settle-in the freshers by coordi- nation and an ability to get people Physics Departmental Representa- how thousands of pounds should nating the buddy scheme. together. Good Luck and enjoy! tive is responsible for all the impor- be spent, then you should consider tant things: proper elections and standing. Sports Officer Publicity and Web Comm. representation from Year Reps, To help you to decide what would The role of the sports officer is to fa- The publicity officers are respon- Physics Staff Student committee, suit you best, here is a description cilitate sports within the RCSU. In sible for publicising and promot- UCAS tours, some fresher’s events, of a few of the positions available, other words the sports officer must ing the many RCSU events during the buddy scheme. Oh and definite- written by those who currently hold Vice President (Operations) be able to tempt people away from the year. What’s involved? Well, ly one of the perks is getting to sit on them. The VPO is quite a diverse role the union bar and into sport. The poster design, sticking up posters, the Physics safety committee and within the RCSU. It’s mostly be- sports officer comes into contact updating the website with the lat- hear about the accidents that hap- President hind-the-scenes work, like looking with large amounts of the student est announcements, sports results, pened in the physics department. The president is ultimately respon- after the departmental societies population so the ability to deal events info, making design changes sible for kicking the engineers’ and their finances, promoting com- with people is a must, as is time if needed, and generally organising Other positions available are: arses, and making sure the med- munication with Wye and Silwood, management. As for other skills, publicity pushes. After a big public- Honorary Junior Treasurer, Mas- ics know their place. There’s lots of representing the RCSU at Union reliability, organisation and persist- ity push it is very satisfying being ters Rep and Postgrad Research organising to do too, but you’ll get meetings, and helping to organise ence are fundamental. part of a very successful event. Rep. your name in Wikipedia and also on the Science Careers Fair. A major a leaky tankard. Don’t stand unless part of my year was organising Sci- Academic Affairs Officer you’re really serious about it - the ence Challenge as I secured sub- The Academic Affairs Officer may RCSU has come along a huge way stantial sponsorship and organised not sound the most glamorous of this year, and if we’re not even bet- the Imperial competition. jobs, but it’s one of the most im- ter next year, you’ll have me to an- portant positions in the RCSU. You swer to... Vice President (Activities) will be responsible for ensuring The VPA’s responsibilities are or- that the four thousand undergradu- Honorary Secretary ganising large scale events, such as ates have the facilities they need Well it sounds a bit dull, and yes you the Freshers’ Ball and RCSU RAG in order to study effectively and do have to type up minutes every Week. I am also involved in mas- efficiently. This is your chance to week, but Hon. Sec. is a really fun cotry, regalia, Alumni relations, and make changes which will improve all-round role. Not having as many the infamous Freshers’ Yard con- the manner in which courses are direct responsibilities as the other test. The new VPA, whoever they run. In reality this means you’ll sit officers means you can pick and may be, should have excellent or- in on many meetings (mostly with chose what to get involved in, plus ganisational skills, an appreciation free lunches), most at a high level you’re the one who gets to disci- of the traditions of the RCSU and be (including Union Council), and try pline the President! tall, dark and handsome. and sway decisions your way. That’s some big boots to fill Not into science? CGCU nominations are open
ngineers unite! Now is the Committee number, culminat- Schemes, the Lord Mayor’s Show the time to follow in the ing in the Fresher’s Ball. We have and the Internship Centre; but also footsteps of your forefa- also organised a mince pie party, in organising bar nights in the Un- thers and stand for elec- paintballing trip, bar nights – the ion, paintballing, football, a sports tion in the CGCU com- list goes on. On a serious note, day, the infamous egg race and mitteeE elections. Are you the next running the union is not just about many more. James Fok, Nick Simpson, Tristan fun and keeping the students away Sherliker or Ashley Brown? from their books You also repre- Honorary Secretary Here’s what the current holders sent them academically and must As the incoming Honorary Secre- of some positions had to say about ensure that their welfare is looked tary I will spend the following year what they’ve been doing this year. after. There are dedicated officers documenting everything CGCU for each of the above. does. Unfortunately for me we President have a long agenda of activities and As President, I planned events for Vice President (Finance and Socs) events! fresher’s week with the rest of My role as the Vice President of Fi- I also have the responsibility of nance and Societies is to take care arranging your Fresher’s Dinner. of the pot of money we have each Every year the Fresher’s Din- year and ensure we all get the most ner grows and if you take on this out of it. role you’ll be responsible for mak- He refused to fight the RCSU president. Would you? I also help out with any prob- ing sure it is even better than this lems societies might have, and year’s. assist anyone who might want demic representation is organised Faculty works is that each depart- to set up a new one. Academic Affairs Officer and “up-to-scratch”. I also work ment has a departmental repre- Academic representation plays a with ICU and IC faculty at a higher sentative commonly known as a Vice President (Activities) key role in ensuring that the aca- level to ensure that the courses are Dep Rep. They are elected to han- As Vice President (Activities) demics and facilities are adapted to tailored to the needs of taught stu- dle all academic and welfare mat- it is my privilege and respon- the needs of the students, and are dents (undergrad & MSc students). ters in the department, to ensure sibility to organise the various befitting of an institution such as that these are taken seriously by social events we put on for the Imperial College. Departmental Representative the staff and that they are resolved students. I ensure that the dep reps (see The way the academic representa- either at a departmental level or I’ve been involved in the Buddy below) do their job and that the aca- tion structure for the Engineering taken to CGCU.
Friday 2 March 2007 felix 11 eviews RMUSIC [email protected] Live music up the wazoo Take two live reviews, one of up-and-comers and another of noise, mix thoroughly
LIA HAN live review the delights of Top 40 rock, the impatience for Larrikin Love to come on stage was palpable and the moment the lights went up a stampede of fans rushed from the Larrikin Love bar areas to wherever they could Koko best see Edward (donning a top hat), Miko (I want his “I know Tom Matty Hoban Frog” T-shirt!), Alfie and Coz. Us God bless the shared iTunes librar- girls stayed on the second level is looking at you ies on the Imperial network, with- away from the beer-fueled danc- out which I would not have discov- ing and beer-fueled beer-throwing ered The Freedom Spark, Larrikin which ensued in front of the stage. Love’s debut album. After having The show kicked off with the much oyo how’s my little mu- listened to it on repeat to the point loved Happy as Annie followed sicarinos? What’s up in where all lyrics were firmly embed- closely by my personal favourite the hizzle? Where you ded into my memory, I was ecstatic Edwoud (the track that drew my at dawg? You got the when Felix offered me to chance to attention to Larrikin Love). Many whole city behind you. go and review them. tracks were played from the album YSince with all this Centenary Usually a dedicated dance music as well as some I was not familiar fever, there will be a resurrection fan when out and about, I have ap- with. As Downing Street Kindling of of Femm hopefully, since it died preciated indie and its ‘sub-genres’ marked the end of the show I re- from starvation at the beginning of from afar for a long time, so this gig, lated very much to Edward’s senti- this term. Well, I needed to study being my first and also my first visit ments “England has nothing more and realised that it took up a bit of to Koko, added to the excitement. to offer me” and felt saddened at my life to put together that thing. I It is very easy to lump a lot of the the prospects of leaving and re- shall however produce a 100 year bands that circle the charts into the turning back to reality. However, theme, yet to be decided on and category of indie without looking at the band and the Tiny Dancers sur- Femm will be big. Yes, hopefully it what the band has to offer. Larrikin prised us all with piling back onto will be done soon, maybe not this Love combines elements of many the stage for an encore, kitted out term, maybe it will, the suspense! genres including folk music, guitar in silver space suits and partaking Along with all this Centenary solos reminiscent of Santana, vo- in some post-show drunken stomp- craziness I thought that I should cals not dissimilar from the Kooks ing on stage amidst the cheering talk about what is happening mu- and the strong Irish influence is and clapping. sic-wise. Well, let us first look to- clear too. While indulging in some Larrikin wards the Jazz and Rock society. Upon entering Koko I warmed to Love memorabilia we’ve got to con- Jazz and Rock are dedicated to it straight away. It had theatre-like gratulate David Kay, aka Axl Rose, providing an affordable practice quality in that it is set on many lev- minus face glitter and ensure him space and they are the life-blood els, where seating would have been, that the bands set was enjoyed. Geisha bringin da noise (top), Larrikin Love bringing ‘it’ (bottom) of live music at the College. Like with the addition of the boxes over- I left feeling this was the first of so many societies, they are only looking the stage too. The feel to many gigs I would be attending and as good as their members’ activ- the venue was not the beer soaked, only look forward to seeing the Tiny former audience relationship a lit- that made me want to tear my heart ity so I suggest you join them and cigarette butt-lined floor as I had Dancers and Larrikin Love again tle more sweaty closer. The concept out and pretend love exists as a reap the benefits of being part of imagined of gigs, but had a more in the future. of Geisha has changed remarkably bloody heap of aorta and ventricles, an active live music society. You sophisticated air that matched the Caz Knight during their 5 year existence. After Yolk gather themselves on stage. can pick up experience in being drinks prices too! The night started changing drummers from human What can I say about Yolk? They a soundman or find (good) musi- with me enjoying the most expen- to sub-human to robot (aka Terry are French. This explains a lot! I've cians to make some sweet love- sive double vodka and cranberry of live review BOTzio, drum machine extrodi- never cast my eyes on such a gen- food with. my life (£7.50) and then sticking to naire), they have progressed from ius group of muscicians. Never in The Jazz and Rock society cider for the rest, much more fit- the classic 'shout like Alec Empire my small short life. are organising two events in the ting for the occasion anyway! and add distortion' to their cur- From only the first few minutes theme of the Centenary: the first The stage itself was littered with rent blood curdling anger sadness I think of Mr Bungle immediately, is the Medics vs. Non-medics various paraphernalia including Yolk/Geisha I feel love mash up. The setlist is an Bungle with a vagina. The girl is Rock-off which is basically battle a plastic sharks head, a few pot- The Plaza orgy of new songs, with names like making those science fiction sounds od the bands varsity stylee; the ted plants and several inflatable Von Dreck und Feuer, Fulcivision, from the twilight zone, but she's us- other event is called The Clash of goats. Rather reflective of Larrikin Exploitation Cinema in the Work- ing her mouth. the Century which will be a huge Love’s varied music style and also Four bands. Half a stage. A pool place and Bloodbath in Bethlehem There’s a violin, there’s a sax- battle of the bands competition. of the band members’ colourful tournament. Noise! Noise! Noise! (exclusively renamed at this gig). amaphone, and the drummer may I recommend that you enter the personalities. Smashing into your ears like Rich- You'd think you were in the com- actually have the soul of THE Terry latter if you are a band, and if you The Tiny Dancers were first on ard Hammond's brain (look, he's al- pany of the great eccentrics, sat John Bozzio. The clanking great are not, just go. Go to www.jazzan- the line up and after having been right now!); the sound is a perpen- smoking cigars listening to Wagner. big syncopated chords, train track drock.co.uk for more information. recommended to me by the Lar- dicular obtuse triangle pulverised But oh no, it’s two beardy men bash- beats and that good old gypsy folk The Medics vs. Non-medics night rikin Love I was keen to see what into a square hole. Oh for the love ing out distortion in a fury of anger. melody blend almost too well with is on 6th March and the Clash of they were all about. Fronted by a of noise. The precision of the drum machine Delphine Delegorgue's bursts of the Century is on the 10th March. singer reminding me slightly of It’s four bands, and four is a lovely beats and syncopation add a new sound effects. I mean, this girl is The events are both in dB’s. You Axl Rose, but slightly cooler in my number, but to honest, only half of dimension to the beautifully miscel- producing the imitation of blow- should go. opinion, he sported a fine face of this noise-pie was worth watch- lany sound of guitar and bass. ing chunks, then sobbing ghosts. It There will be more musical glitter and entertained a non-danc- ing; Geisha. And Yolk. Bristol and The crowd are actually staring progged me in all the right ways. events and on 17th March, there ing crowd with ‘folk rock’ jazzed France, united, c'est la revolution! in amazement as the music grows The night is one big noise tastic will be a Kids Will Be Skeletons up with an eclectic mix of violins Geisha – once described as and dies from synth and bass lined success, so much so that the usual which will help celebrate the 10th as well as hints of Arabian tones. ‘crushing blasts of impossibly hy- melodies to an ambience of fuzz and pub goers, who were in the middle anniversary of Gringo Records, I thoroughly enjoyed their set al- perdistorted rock baked in massive brutal guitar abuse. It’s music with of watching football and having a a brilliant Nottingham-based though many in the crowd thought frequency overload and massive sexual frustration, like Berlioz on pool tournament managed not to record label. The headliners will otherwise: I winced for the Tiny hooks and melodies and sinister speed, watching some girl wearing wave their hairy fists at the bands be Souvaris, who appeared at the Dancers as I heard boos and cries crushing riffs, all of it slathered in pink shoes. If you want a pretty pic- or resort to name calling in the vi- union last year and astounded us of “Your shit!” coming from the filthy throbbing feedback and white ture think of Dinasaur Jr colliding cinity of 'freaks' and such like. all. Following them is Bilge Pump back and only hoped the laws of noise horror holocaust’ – load up with My Bloody Valentine and Slint, Perhaps the music touched their who are a Leeds-based noise-rock physics combined with the throngs the stage with what appears to be a ripping out the vocal chords of Un- little coal-shaped hearts? Or maybe band who make stonking great of people there stopped the shouts wall of amps. sane and Helmet. And may I add, it proves my theory that at the cen- music, and the drummer is one from being heard by the band. The ever-decreasing space shifts the bassist is a piece of hot ass! tre of us all is a small troll that is of the best UK drummers around After a twenty minute interlude, Tony and Steve onto the floor and After the onslaught of Geisha's just waiting to mosh out. at the minute. So get involved and where we were spoilt (ahem) with into the crowd, bringing the per- last song, a version of I Feel Love Lia Han maybe organise your own events. 12 felix Friday 2 March 2007
FILM fi [email protected] Oscar night: As shameless as ever The biggest night in the film calendar brings together the finest on the planet but still misses the sparkle
Alex Casey the best of the year were criminally Film Editor overlooked. Besides Whitaker, The Last King of Scotland went unno- owhere in this world ticed despite winning my vote for does a sense of self- film of the year, filled with as many importance permeate laughs as brutal shocks (and not every street more than like Scary Movie), closely followed Hollywood. One ego by United 93 which is conspicu- can’tN walk down Sunset Boulevard ous in its absence from the awards without being offset by another. It season. Too soon America? Maybe. has been this way since the sunny Xenophobia, commonly a major little seaside town was transformed problem in the Oscars with great into the production line of the most foreign offerings being limited to a famous movies in the world early single Best Foreign Film category, last century, and how better to cel- was reported to be AWOL this year ebrate ego than with a little gold so I’m not sure what to blame for man. This man went on to become Volver not making it into the foreign affectionately known, as you may category even. Shame on you Acad- have guessed, as Oscar. emy. Worst of all, whilst last year’s In case you’d missed it, this week shortlist for Best Picture contained saw the 79th Academy Awards, the three great films (Crash, Capote, most prestigious awards ceremony Good Night and Good Luck), one in the film calendar, and you’d be good film (Munich) and the dull and hard-pressed to find a bigger cer- horrendously overrated exploigay- emony in any field given the sway tion fest of Brokeback Mountain, the movie industry, especially that this year it seemed mediocrity was of Hollywood, holds today. If you the order of the day, at least in the want artistic recognition, look to same category. The acting reminds Cruz works the carpet while Hudson copies Mirren’s dress and pose in the hope people will remember her Cannes, but for glam, glitz, and us that these people do know what gold, head here. Win an Oscar and they’re talking about. It’s just the you can have it on your tombstone. premiership awards that show a because it was so different to how Best Actress – The Queen, sorry, la for my liking. First acting job ever That will be your legacy. favour for an old friend takes prec- I’d imagined it. Babel was also sur- Helen Mirren for the girl who used to be a Burger Or so is the common perception. edence, even when the world is prised me: I imagined something King salesperson and before Janu- Whilst it may shatter an illusion or watching. worth the entrance fee and was While the Chinese New Year tried ary was most famous for losing in two to say it, the Oscars are noto- rewarded with sleep-inducing pap heralding the year of the pig, every- American Idol? Hmm, I doubt she’ll rious for getting it wrong as well. Best Picture – The Departed that must have only won the ma- one else saw it was really the year have another shot any time soon, Missing out key players in film his- jor prize at the Globes because of of Mirren. Every critics’ circle in unlike some of the other contend- tory seems to be the major gaff: This didn’t win because it was the the cultural diversity it showcased. the world gave her those gold stars ers. Abigail Breslin (Little Miss Hitchcock and Kubrick both died Best Picture. I don’t think I’ve met I’m glad it didn’t win here. Last up she loved (other than the Evening Sunshine, yes the little girl) has without being Best Director, a life- anyone who was supporting it. It was Letters from Iwo Jima but I’d Standard who sided with Dame her whole life to act and I think this time achievement award being the won because Scorsese won. The award Babel before I gave another Judi, I’m sure Helen hasn’t lost nomination was youth sentimen- former’s only consolation and a rule goes that Academy members award to Oscar whore Clint East- too much sleep though) and well- tality unseen at the Oscars since minor Special Effects prize for the get bored by the end of the voting wood who has less integrity than deserved it was too. If the Royal they awarded Anna Paquin at age latter; The Shawshank Redemp- sheet and so tick the same boxes in Jade Goody. Family ever gets democratically 11. Now she’s in X-Men in case you tion and Pulp Fiction were both director and picture categories, ex- elected then Mirren will have my thought she’d rise and rise… Cate beaten to Best Picture by Forrest ceptions to which have only arisen Best Director – Martin Scorsese vote for that too. The weird thing is Blanchett has one already and the Gump; and whoever nominated five times in the past twenty years. that this was a surprisingly strong Babel actresses will see their dues Sylvester Stallone for Best Actor in One of these times was last year Scorsese had everything going for category given the clear-cut odds when they are in better films. Hud- ’76 alongside Robert De Niro must and so it would have been too much him: The Golden Globe, the Direc- offered: Penelope Cruz (Volver) son won’t be holding court over the be licking their wounds to this day. of a break with tradition to award tors Guild Award, five failed nomi- proved she should stick to Spain category for years to come. Yes, there are years when the Acad- Scorsese then cheat him out of Best nations already and a much better rather than wallowing in Hollywood emy just can’t get it right. And this Picture and give it to the deserved back catalogue than this mediocre drivel, Dame Judi Dench (Notes on ther than that, it was year wasn’t about the talent. Unless winner, Little Miss Sunshine. This gangster fable. That’s why he won: a Scandal) showed that rancorous good to see Al Gore your name is Mirren or Whittaker film wasn’t groundbreaking but sentimentality and the “oops-we- lesbian was just another inspired taking home the that is. neither were the others, and at forgot-you-earlier” syndrome. This day at the office, Kate Winslet (Lit- documentary prize Don’t get me wrong; the nomina- least this one was enjoyable from time they remembered before he tle Children) completed the Brit- for global warming tions weren’t bad. The problems start to finish. I would have happily was dead so at least his comic ques- ish triptych in what I imagine was Oflick An Inconvenient Truth, days are that (a) the best of the selection seen The Queen walk away with it tioning of the envelope contents great acting from our finest un- before critics attacked his exces- were never going to win, and (b) on the wave of Mirren fever as well was better than a posthumous ac- der-forty actress and Meryl Streep sive energy use at home. I would ceptance by wife/child/whoever. (The Devil Wears Prada) just nails have liked to see the two screen- Stand by for ovations, applause and everything she goes into, even if play awards go the The Queen and rewriting the “Biggest Snubs in His- this was hardly the dramatic power Notes on a Scandal but I doubt tory” books. But always remember she’s flaunted in the likes of So- the largely North American crowd that Paul Greengrass should have phie’s Choice. Still, no-one’s steal- in the Kodak Theatre appreciated won for United 93. ing Mirren’s light here, the true the delicacy of the British touch as Queen of the night. much as I did. And Mexican cinema Best Actor – Forest Whitaker got the boost it deserved, despite Best Supporting Players – Alan Babel boring the world, as Pan’s This is where the smiles start. Arkin and Jennifer Hudson Labyrinth picked up a hat trick of Forget that he’s not the lead ac- technical doodahs, wahey. tor, forget that James McAvoy has Good to see an upset to make the So it wasn’t a total bust on the night been cruelly left off every shortlist dull ceremony slightly more inter- to be fair, but the winners shouldn’t and just accept this was the right esting, and better it be Eddie Mur- be the ones that enter the Hall of result, no matter how many sympa- phy (Dreamgirls) who was pushed Fame. When the time is right, The thy votes Peter O’ Toole got for be- to the side than the leading part Last King of Scotland will get con- ing a pervy old man playing a pervy favourites. My money was on Mark signed to the “great forgotten” pile old man in Venus. Forest Whitaker Wahlberg who managed to steal the with Citizen Kane, Vertigo and The tore the screen to shreds with his only acting nomination in The De- Shining. Well maybe not, but it’ll vicious scenes in The Last King parted next to Nicholson, DiCap- join a personal inventory of exhib- of Scotland and made being best rio, Matt Damon, Alec Baldwin and its in the case against the Academy. friends with a Ugandan dictator Martin Sheen. Alan Arkin for Little Don’t get me started on everything look like a great way to spend a gap Miss Sunshine was a pleasant, if from Europe and beyond, they won’t year. Why did they overlook the film forgettable, surprise though as I’m understand anyway. in every other category though? I not a Murphy fan. The other two, That’s not what the Academy is won’t rant any longer; if you saw it, Djimon Hounsou (Blood Diamond) for. It’s an ivory tower in its own I’m sure you agree. Don’t feel too and Jackie Earle Haley (Little Chil- world, swelling with a sense of su- sorry for the others: DiCaprio will dren), passed me by completely. periority. But this year, even they win one day, Will Smith makes very Dreamgirls did come into its own must have been slightly bored by dubious film choices so isn’t ready with Jennifer Hudson. It was her the show they put on. If they could for this yet and as for Ryan Gosling, film, not Beyonce’s, and so this even see past the ego sitting in Scorsese attempts to hide his insecurity over the size of his statuette did anyone see Half Nelson? award was fair, if a bit too Cinderel- front. Friday 2 March 2007 felix 13
FASHION [email protected] The next look: Nordic cool COOL Go for a simple look with clothes that are easy to wear, not clothes that wear you Amy Winehouse
Her style's not to every- one's taste, but she does have a unique take on Handle Bag, Acne, +46 8 555 799 76 fashion. I mean that hair, Maurice Shoes, Acne, +46 8 555 799 76 who else would go out with that? Although I suspect she just uses it hide mini- bar bottles of alcohol. Or more likely, judging from the tabloid close-ups of Raw Wash Jeans, Acne, £100 her nose, something more illicit.
Afros
For extra cool points, carry an afro comb in your back Androquai Lace-up Canvas Shoes, Office, pocket. If you wear this £18 look correctly, you should Knitted Rib Hooded Jacket, Topman, £40 feel like you're a character in a 70's American sitcom.
Check Shirt, Lee, £45 High-Waisted Flares
Stay with the skinny or straight leg jeans. Say no to high-waisted flares! 1. They make your arse look twice it's actual size. 2. That extra material flap- ping around your legs is disconcerting. Merino Crew Neck, Topman, £35 Why would you wear trousers that drag along Sheer Jersey Racer Back Tank, American puddles and shit on the Apparel, £18 Tea Wash Jeans, Cheap Monday, pavement? Also, hippies £40 wore flares in the 70's, proof that they can only be a bad thing. LAME Batboy is being performed by Musical Theatre Society from Musical Theatre Soc 6th to 10th March (starting 7.30pm). This dynamic romance is complicated by Batboy’s struggle to not only presents:- control his blood lust but also his desire to be accepted by a backward deep south community. Whilst being cared for by the Parker family, we discover the secrets of Batboy and the characters around him. This show offers drama, excitement, romance, horror and a heavy peppering of comedy.
Buy your tickets in advance from Union Reception or Level 2 Sherfield at lunchtimes from Monday 26th February. Alternatively you can buy on the door - £5 students / £7 non-students.
Photo by Emerson Vigoureux 16 felix Friday 2 March 2007
GAMES [email protected] I, Gamer This week in videogaming Want to kill people for money? CGC is hiring now! Beard/twitchy eye optional
Following last week’s coverage of the sghOpen tournament 2007 comes an announcement of ICGC’s first cash gaming tournament (playing for cash, not with it), which will run in mid-March and promise a variety of prizes from £50 to £200. There are four games to compete in – Warcraft III, Counterstrike 1.6, Pro Evolution 6, and DotA. Sign- ups for Warcraft and Pro Evolution Michael Cook close on March 2nd (the day of our release, so hurry!) and signups for Games Editor CS1.6 and DotA close on the 9th – www.imperialcgc.com for more in- formation, but don’t forget to check aming is about out our article on DotA this week if being the best. you want to find out more about the Comparatively, game. at least. Clearly, Finance is a funny thing in the there are plenty of real world. This week we’ve had peopleG who (quite rightly) might news of forthcoming price drops in question whether being good at all of the next-gen consoles, partly games is such a good thing after due to lower production costs – all. But the best way to play is to Sony is outsourcing Cell production play to win. rather than trying to co-ordinate it This week is about winning. in-house – but mainly due to a race Some of it’s about working to compete financially as the early together to win – if you can call stages come to a close. our death-addled trip through But this week also provided re- the ranks of SWAT a “win”, that ports that consumers are likely is. Some of it’s about setting to get stung in the next twelve off on a course to be the best months with continuing high prices – alright, Warcraft III mods for much online content. Sony has don’t polish up into personal boasted about free online access development movies as well as to the Playstation3’s main hub, but boxers or superheroes do, but prices for other services remains you get the idea. high, and the Nintendo Virtual Con- It’s quite hard for designers sole prices seem entirely frozen. to play around with the idea of Screen Digest published a report winning. Recently, one of the this week stating that a “small por- developers of Empire Earth tion” of next-gen games were likely published an article on the to be profitable, but most would lose idea of forcing a player to lose money due to spiralling production in certain situations. Even costs and overinvestment. But this though it was the worst crime does lead us to ask – with hardware Putting the extra effort in at the FFXII release in London last Friday. If this didn’t win, justice is dead a developer could commit, he manufacturers, software develop- said, it could prove to be one of ers, and consumers all losing out the most powerful design tools financially over the next four years consoles arrived. it might be the only reasonable way just in time for the average gamer when used properly. – who exactly is making money? Their latest coup is exclusive to do it. Of course, reasonable might to have a PC capable of playing it, Hideo Kojima – the plot- Strange though it sounds, it could games – games which can’t be be the last thing you’d call it. and Resident Evil 4 makes an ap- crazed madman behind the well be retailers. Already famous bought in any other store in Amer- Releases on this side of the At- pearance. The best releases of the Metal Gear Solid series – for taking a large cut of the final ica. Originally, it was the weird, the lantic aren’t so hot this week, but month are still yet to come, how- frequently talks about his desire sale price, it was thought a few quirky, and the not very good, but if you’re a PC gamer there are a ever – the Winter slump is over, and to create a game that “locks” years ago that the high street would they’re stepping up – Tenchu’s lat- few notable good ‘uns this week the games are returning quickly to after you die – effectively die off as internet shopping drained est DS release was a GameStop – depending on your opinion of a the shelves again. granting you one life, one go revenues, but American store EB/ exclusive, as will be Settlers when Sims 2 add-on that adds Seasons to Finally, if you’ve got a bit of spare at the game before it renders GameStop has gone from strength it releases on the DS soon. If high the game, of course. FEAR is also cash, make an investment here: itself unplayable. Winning to strength since the new wave of street retailing is going to survive, re-released for less than a tenner, http://www.halflife.com then becomes something very different indeed. Gamers can be split into those who play multiplayer and those who don’t. The single-players are trained to fight against a computer and win, so they tend to look for quick patterns and 43 ways to solve problems using earlier ideas. But the ones Position of the original World of that play online are forced to Warcraft in Amazon.com’s hourly keep changing and thinking in different ways. top sellers list. Maybe everyone does need a good kick up the arse from designers? Single-player games need the concept of winning to be redefined to stop games getting repetitive – narrative- driven games tend to be better at shaping this idea of “victory”. Multiplayer gamers, on the <100 other hand, are getting too complacent with the idea of gaming. Counterstrike cuts Position of the recently-released down the die-and-respawn MMO Vanguard in Amazon.com’s sentiment, but until someone has the balls to take Kojima’s hourly top sellers list. idea onto shop shelves, it’s not quite the same. [email protected] Vanguard’s famous Tumbleweed instance at peak population Friday 2 March 2007 felix 17
GAMES [email protected] Off in search of the second player Adam Omar seeks game, GSOH, aged 0-10 for multiplayer fun and more? No flash games please
f you’re looking for games Warcraft 3: The Frozen Throne: ibly fun cycle, with much room for free online at http://www.getdota. may or may not appeal to you, the that won’t kill the sluggish Defence Of The Ancients teamwork and tactical play. The com pure, distilled gameplay should. excuse for a PC you’ve got Real-time strategy mod only drawback, however, is that The game has been fine tuned running MatLab at home, or your enjoyment largely depends on F.E.A.R Combat and will probably run on just about you’ve played as much Soli- Hooray for having the longest name who you’re playing with. First-person shooter any computer you dare stick it on Itaire as a (wo)man can reasonably in this list! If you are Malaysian or Keep in mind that DOTA is con- – though a good internet connectio take, then you’ll be looking for some Singaporean you probably already stantly being updated and you will Imagine a bowl of Counterstrike, is always a bonus, particularly if fresh multiplayer options. Felix has have this on your PC. Even with- need to manually download new garnished with some Quake, and playing through Steam. just the ticket for you. out consciously installing it. For versions from time to time. There then topped-off with some delicious As with many multiplayer games, Obviously there are many many those new to the World of Warcraft really is no excuse for not having Unreal sauce. And imagine not pay- the bane of CS is the behaviour of games that could be in this list, 3 mods, DOTA is a downloadable this. Its as demanding as a very ing for it. F.E.A.R Combat is the free its players. Expect campers. Lots of and hopefully will as we progress map in which up to 10 players can small undemanding thing, and multiplayer version of the 2005 hit them. And not the tent kind either. through the weird world of online roam and fight as heroes. should run comfortably on any com- shooter F.E.A.R. CounterStrike is free online in games. The basic routine is start, kill puter made in the last 5 years. You get the usual multiplayer some places, but the latest version However, due to space and prac- weak little creatures and/or other If you’ve already gotten your modes, Deathmatch, TeamDeath- is available for a modest sum at ticality constraint, we’re going to heroes, destroy enemy buildings; teeth into DOTA, check out our in- match, Capture the Flag, etc., but http://www.steampowered.com take it a few steps at a time. This with the ultimate goal being the de- depth exploration of the mod this what sets F.E.A.R apart from other week, we look at some of the true struction of the other team’s monu- week, too. shooters is its style. Firefights are Trackmania classics of the gaming scene. ment. It’s an addictive and incred- DOTA (Requires Warcraft III) is hectic and enormously fun, with de- Racer/platformer/awesome hybrid bris and bits of furniture flying all over the screen. Each game is fast Trackmania is a completely ber- and RSI-inducingly furious, with a serk racing game in which you can melee attack complementing the create your own lunatic tracks or array of projectile weapons. race on any of the premade tracks The only downside is that some bundled with the game. The con- matches can get too chaotic for trols are simple, but the same can’t their own good, resulting in players be said for the actual racing. being blown up just as you respawn. You’ll have to navigate through However this usually only happens unimaginable tracks, with all man- with lots of players in a small map. ner of loops and jumps, and perform The graphics are up to date yet crazy stunts at incredible speed. It’s quite scalable. good fun as a network game with a It should run on most PCs from couple of friends, and even more the last 3 years or so – but be wary fun when some people get together of hardware conflicts, and keep and race their created tracks. those drivers up to date.. Several flavours of Trackmania F.E.A.R Combat is free online at are available. There’s the complete- http://www.joinfear.com/main ly free Trackmania Nations, or the newly released Trackmania United. CounterStrike Both games are quite light and will First-person shooter work well on any toaster/PC. TM Nations is free online at This is probably famous enough http://www.trackmanianations. that I don’t need to say anything com/ about it. So I won’t. TM United is available cheaply For the sake of this article, how- online or, if you’re lucky, on the high ever, I’ll simply say that this is quite street. possibly the most famous multi- player FPS, and that you can’t go That’s it for this week! If you want wrong with any version starting a multiplayer game featured here, from 1.3 all the way to Source. send a mail to [email protected] Although the modern day ‘terror- or [email protected]. Geoff looked down and was dismayed to see that the lads had done the old ‘cone penis’ joke again ist versus counter-terrorist’ setting The weirder, the better! 18 felix Friday 2 March 2007
GAMES [email protected] WarCraft : Defence of the Ancients The girl next to you plays it. Your lecturer plays it. Chooi Yew Vern plays it, and here’s how to play it
efense of the Ancients (DotA) depicts the epic battle between the noble Sentinel and the nefarious Scourge as theyD attempt to destroy each other on the field of battle. Spells fly and blades flash as heroes both good and evil fight for the supremacy of their respective allegiances. Exag- gerated comments aside, DotA is a team game between two sides – the Sentinel and the Scourge. Up to five players can play on a team, mean- ing 10 players maximum in a game. Using a range of heroes unique to the side they are playing on, play- ers do battle in order to destroy their opponent’s base and ultimate- ly their opponent’s “Ancient” while defending their own “Ancient”, hence the name. DotA sports an immense amount of heroes, currently numbered at 84. Each hero has 4 unique skills to use throughout the game. These abilities determine the role a hero is most likely to play in a game. He- roes with skills that allow them to sustain more damage from enemy attacks usually play the “Tank” role while those that are weak in combat Majestic. Shiny. Prone to posing for dramatic pictures. It’s like the Felix centrefold, but with more clothes and less controversy afterwards but cast powerful spells are usually the supporting casters for the team. This not only requires players to be unique and interesting. AI information from www.getdota. to get better at the game, nothing push.Know what you’re up against, skilled at the game but requires What really makes the game in- com. With this you’re set to play! beats real experience. Guides and or get beaten. teams to have strong teamwork, teresting is the fact that it is always You should refrain from jumping tips are available online for players Speed is also of the essence, so to be able to forge strategies and evolving. New heroes, items and ge- straight into an actual game online who seek to improve their game and look for items (and heroes) that can tactics on the fly, as well as adapt ographical changes are constantly or with friends as you’ll probably take it to the next level. For more help with movement. A slow hero to changing situations in the game. added to make the game interesting not do too well on your first try (this information and announcements is a dead one, so don’t get caught Heroes in DotA even have the privi- for beginners and exciting to those is speaking from personal experi- on the game, visit the DotA main napping. lege of having their own histories that are already fans of the game. ence). Play a few practice games website at www.dota-allstars.com Finally, remember that your hero which adds depth to the game, not With DotA being the most popular by yourself or with the computer or come join ICGC’s sessions. lives and dies based on the experi- to mention being fun to read. custom map on the Blizzard online on the AI map, just to get famil- The key things to remember in ence he can gain – and that means The items in the game, such as Battle.net server and fast becom- iar with the game. Practice with a DotA tend to be common across all killing blows. Taking the final hit on potions and weapons, are vital to ing a competitive game internation- few heroes to start and move on to games – first, it’s important to know an enemy not only nabs you more players to enhance their heroes. ally, tinkering of heroes and items other heroes once you get the hang how you play. Once you’ve found experience, but denies enemies Items have their own uses such are constantly underway in order of them. Once you’re confident with some heroes that you enjoy playing the experiences themselves. Watch as for healing, adding to a hero’s to make the game more balanced. your skill, its time to move on to the with, stick to them and get better at health levels of the units around damage and casting spells such With the game constantly chang- actual thing. playing them. It’s all very well being you and focus attacks carefully. as cyclones and lightning bolts. A ing and improving, players have to You can log on to Battle.net – Bliz- an all-rounder, but you need sharp combination of these basic items regularly rethink their game strate- zard’s internet matchmaking serv- skills in some areas to get by. can then be mixed together to form gies and hero builds in order to best ice – to play DotA online or get to- You also need to get to know Do- Defence of the Ancients is one of better items with enhanced abili- their opponents. gether a few friends and play over tA’s large repertoire of skills and the Computer Games Society’s ties. A large total number of item So how do you start playing DotA? the Local Area Network. A word of items. If you don’t know that your networked games. If you want combinations combined with a First, get yourself a copy of Warcraft advice: playing with the computer opponent can stun your hero, then to get involved in some matches, large number of heroes to choose 3 and its expansion, The Frozen is nothing compared to playing with he won’t be the only one stunned email [email protected] to from promises to make each game Throne. Download the map and the real players. However, if you intend when you come to pull off your final subscribe to the CGC Mailing List. Friday 2 March 2007 felix 19
GAMES [email protected] Endurance – Police Brutality 4 Michael Cook learns how to work together to win – and how not to defuse tense hostage situations
“I don’t want any fuck-ups” was the catchphrase of the night. Though in all seriousness, it’s probably a well-used phrase in real counter-terrorist police operations, too
he first time I played Starsky bumbles over to handcuff the mission – not without half of the the Auto Parts garage the wailing, eye-rubbing chump, team getting shot first, but it was on SWAT 4, in single- and I move slowly into the office completed either way. player, the plan went as room, looking out of the window It turned out that missions were Radio Chatter follows – move in swiftly that looks down into the garage. not destined to be five-minute jaunts throughT the roof, split the element The other half of our team is wait- after all, and an estimated two-hour EDDIE – Pick it. being set off, and someone swear- into two, two-man groups. One goes ing on that side. finish time rapidly increased as ANDREW – Someone else pick it, ing over TeamSpeak. along the top floor to the main ga- There’s a shout to the left, and I plans gave way to shooting which I’ve got the gas out. rage, above the walkway. The oth- turn to see another perp on the el- gave way to gas grenade fights. By MIKE – I’ll pick it. EDDIE – Mike, for fuck’s sake! I er goes with me, down the stairs, evated walkway, behind the glass. the time we’d started playing the (Mike begins to pick the lock.) SAID GO. cleans out the car-park and wedges My primary weapon is out, another missions properly again, we’d had ANDREW – Is there a way to put MIKE – It’s locked, I’m picking the doors. They wait outside the pepperball gun. No chances this to merge the two teams together a grenade away after you’ve got it. main garage for the final assault. time. Pff! Pff! Pff! due to dropouts, and found our- ready to throw it? ANDREW – It’s not locked. In that respect, the Endurance The pepperballs explode on the selves hopelessly stuck just a few EDDIE – Right- MIKE – … ah. See I unlocked it, run of SWAT 4 went identically, glass like hailstones on a barbeque, missions from the end. MIKE – … you mean after you’ve but then it said it was still locked, albeit with me in a lower-ranking leaving a cloud of green smog in Single-player runs such as Deus taken the pin out? so... position, and everyone having far the office, and doing very little to Ex, or more recently, Hitman: Blood ANDREW – Yeah. EDDIE – What the hell do you stranger accents than the butch the paper-thin sheet of glass. The Money, were just a matter of plod- MIKE – … call that?! Americans that accompanied the magnum rounds the perp is firing, ding through a long enough story at EDDIE – Alright, look, I’ll secure MIKE – Look, I … AI’s chirps of, “Get down or I put it turns out, are far better at pen- your own pace. Hitman picked up a the right hand of the room. Mike ANDREW – The next room looks you down!” etrating glass. As well as fibreglass. competitive element once the play- and James I want you to secure clear. The difference really came when And skull. ers got talking to each other, but the left. Uh … Mike I want you to EDDIE – Alright, one room left. it was time for me and my partner So began the seven-hour jog SWAT 4 was a different challenge. secure the stairs, but don’t go up ANDREW – This is the last room, to break through the door to the of- through the most recent outing of All you needed to do to complete ‘em. I think. fice and take out the perp standing the tactical criminal-punching sim- the game was to keep the players MIKE – Alright. EDDIE – Yeah, I just said, it’s … directly across the room from us. It ulator SWAT 4. It was expected to focused, and keep concentrating on EDDIE – Okay guys. MIKE – You want flash? was simple – blow the door, shout be the shortest Endurance run to plans. But with the team at varying MIKE – Wait, did you mean … no, EDDIE – Look, everyone just at the disoriented criminal, and date, since each mission only took levels of inebriation, and problems don’t worry. shut up, and I can give you the or- then tazer him. It was simple. No around fifteen minutes to complete, with the way the server was set up, EDDIE – Okay, go. der. Alright? Alright. Now we’ve AI pathfinding problems. No mis- and the two teams of five were ex- it was easier said than done. got a door open at the end of that understood commands. Just five pected to get extremely high end- The final, beautiful moment came There is the sound of gunshots, corridor … Go wedge the door. humans and Voice-Over-IP com- of-mission ratings straight off the in the last mission when, after half and shouting of “Police! Drop MIKE – Alright, I’ve got a wedge. munications. Simple. mark. After the 51% report for the an hour of frustrating cock-ups and your weapons!” EDDIE – No, it’s alright. I want My partner blows the C2 charge Auto Parts mission, things began to self-imposed civilian executions, someone to cover me as we go on the door, and it flies open, show- change. the team decided to shirk their soft- EDDIE – Fucking hell, Mike! in. ing that the target has moved since It was the diamond merchant’s ly-softly approach, ditch the bean- MIKE – What? ANDREW – Alright. we used our camera-sticks to check hostage rescue where things really bag-firing shotguns, and take some EDDIE – You block every door EDDIE – Okay, look – perp! Hang under the door. He turns around began to go downhill. After three real weapons. A SWAT 4 element, we go through! on, we’ve got a perp. Fall back. Go calmly and has a quite real pis- attempts at the mission, all ending all with Magnums, storming a con- MIKE – You said to go first! open the door, I’ll take him. tol with quite real bullets in it. My in either the execution of a hostage troversial research laboratory, with EDDIE – Alright, whatever, look MIKE – Unlocking now. tazer – which looks like a sellotape or – more amusingly – the complete self-given orders to shoot first and I want gas in the middle of that EDDIE – Go quickly. Go. Wedge dispenser – fires off prematurely gutting of the team by a single shot- take no prisoners later. room. Can’t see fuck all in it. An- on this door. (always embarassing when you’re gun-wielding attacker, our team’s Like a crazy black ops team from drew and Mike, go around and go ANDREW – Shouldn’t we go in in a situation like that) and thuds leader began to change his tactics. some awful faux-action TV series, through the other door. the other way? into the wooden doorframe, buzz- We all started with our usual load- the Englishman, the Irishman, (They go) EDDIE – I said WEDGE ON ing loudly as it defies everything I out – CS Gas, heavy armour, non- the Scotsman and the Northerner JAMES – Already got gas ready. THAT DOOR. learnt in Year 9 physics. lethal weapons. But someone had stumbled through the eerie spot- ANDREW – I’ll breach it. ANDREW – Ah, I haven’t got Fortunately, the door-breaching an AK-47. lights and explosive gas canisters, EDDIE – Okay, go. one. Starsky to my Hutch has got his Whoops. headshotting and door-kicking like MIKE – On your command. MIKE – Me neither. primary weapon out – a pepper ball After a few restarts, mostly involv- it was Counterstrike on steroids. EDDIE – I SAID GO. ANDREW – I thought you said gun, still a peashooter compared to ing either tazering the rogue SWAT After an evening of cock-ups and MIKE – … you did? the Colt Python being waved at us member into submission, or every- subtlety, it was a beautiful end. EDDIE – GO. MIKE – Yeah, I thought I had, but – and has let off several rounds into one getting slaughtered, terrorist Single-player might have depth, … I don’t. the perp’s face. He’s screaming. It’s stereotype-style, we managed to but it doesn’t have heavily-armed The sound of a breaching charge EDDIE – Oh for fuck’s sake … a good sign. group together and progress past Yorkshiremen. 20 felix Friday 2 March 2007 Clubs&Societies IC’s largest student sporting event Relay organiser Rakesh Nandha writes about organising IC’s largest student sporting event
Eager competitors line up for the beginning of this year’s men’s Hyde Park relay race
reparations for the 2007 the JCR. However, I think the single Hyde Park Relays (HPR) most important way was good old- had started on a beautiful fashioned postering and flyering! In summer’s afternoon in the run up to deadline day, I’m sure May 2006, when the new- you couldn’t walk around campus Ply-elected committee of the ICU without seeing a HPR poster. Cross Country Club met up to dis- Preparations for the committee cuss the event. We had established really kicked off when our foreign that over the summer, we ought to friends arrived. 45 Poles overran have secured sponsorship for the the campus on the Wednesday be- event – a stumbling block for most fore the race, with 17 Germans and organisers – but met with success 88 Dutch arriving the following day! by this one. By the start of term a This was when the hard work re- race permit had been obtained, ally started for the committee. For and by December formal invites to the next couple of nights, teams from across Britain and Eu- committee members rope had been sent. The prepara- would have the privi- tions for Imperial College’s largest lege of “sleeping” (if student sporting event were well you can call it that) underway! (Yes, that’s right: the against the hard cold Hyde Park Relays is bigger than floors of the Union the Varsity matches!) Gym, Union Concert The massive task for the Hall, and Main Dining organising committee was Hall. Of course, to promote the event within there was plen- Imperial College. Although ty of drinking most students and staff know involved in the about the relays, it was still very union (for guests as critical to ensure that freshers well as the committee), knew about the race. Over which was usually fol- Christmas, there were whis- lowed up by pain- pers across campus of the ful headaches HPR, but we needed to get the following a full-blown message out morning. ASAP! A number of differ- Alarm ent methods were tried, bells on the including practicing race day were the race route, ad- heard as early as vertising on Fa- 6:00 a.m. as race day cebook, setting preparations began up stalls with collecting bread, across setting up the union campus for registration and and even setting up the JCR for placing a the prize giving/recep- Trophies and medals aplenty for the victorious runners banner in tion. Those who really Friday 2 March 2007 felix 21
CLUBS & SOCIETIES [email protected]
Next stop: the union. Three of the runners collect their winnings Some contestants ran themselves into the ground couldn’t wait to start running had were Eoin O Colgain (17 minutes 43 beautiful. It took a while for me to arrived just before 10:30 and an seconds), Ed Pitt Ford (18 minutes get there, but when the race or- hour later dB’s was full of students 41 seconds), and Robert Done (18 ganiser finally got to dB’s (at about who had arrived from all over the minutes 42 seconds). 10:00) the party was well and truly UK. T-shirts were selling well and The women’s race was won by Bir- pumping! There was an estimated there was a huge buzz in anticipa- mingham University in a time of 47 crowd of about 600 people; it was so tion of the two o’clock start. minutes 28 seconds. The runner up busy that even some of the sabbs Tony Watts, one of the three or- spot was taken by St Mary’s Univer- were seen working behind the bar! ganisers of the very first HPR, got sity College, whilst Sheffield Hallam But there was still another famous the men’s race underway at 2:00 University claimed third place. The contest to be completed – the Boat prompt. Tony also started the wom- Dutch University Squad and 14AC Race. There were many teams en’s race five minutes later. Soon both completed a double by win- lined up side by side (too many for enough, the first runners had fin- ning the women’s foreign and guest me to remember), but the boat race ished their legs and the races. In team competition respectively. The was swiftly won by Manchester the meantime, the committee were internal women’s competition was University, whilst Imperial beat the ensuring that everything was run- won by CivEng Revenge in a time Imperial Old Boys to claim those ning smoothly. Some of the commit- of 56 minutes and 39 seconds. The ever so vital bragging rights! The tee were preparing the presentation next internal team was Beit Hall party was, once again, a fantastic and food; others were transporting (62 minutes 37 seconds) and the night and it definitely lived up to its cups of tea and coffee to the many third best internal team was Girls reputation of being one of the most marshals, whilst a few were seen Abound Improved popular and successful nights for to be helping the officials with the (62 minutes 46 sec- the union. results and time-keeping. onds). The fastest I would like to thank everyone After the race, some of the com- internal individu- who competed in the event for turn- petitors visited Ethos to have a als were Harriet ing up and making the day such a quick shower, some were seen Scott (11 minutes memorable one in the college’s to be in the JCR picking up some 38 seconds), Hi- centenary year. The HPR commit- free food, whilst the winners of the lary Dyer (13 tee would also like to thank Impe- races decided to go home! The minutes 15 rial College, ICU, College Catering, men’s/mixed race was won by seconds) Security, St Johns Ambulance, The St Mary’s University College in and Sara Royal Parks, the timekeepers and a time of 98 minutes 54 seconds. Al-Kah- results team, and all the marshals. Nottingham University finished midi (13 minutes 22 There is also a special mention for as runners up whilst 14AC (Not- seconds). Kristine Rajamanikam whose ad- tingham University Old Boys) However, the most vice and experience was particular- took third place. important prizes were ly helpful at the times of need and to The foreign competition was the wooden spoons Aziz Bilgrami who helped with tak- won by the Dutch University (and lots of alcohol)! ing in entry forms. Without the help Squad, whilst first guest team In the men’s/mixed of all of these people, the day would was 14AC. The reigning internal these were given not have run as smoothly as it did. champions, Beit Hall, success- to Beit Hall If you enjoyed the HPR and would fully managed to defend their ti- S3 Warriors, like to take up running (whether it tle - they completed the race whilst in the is competitive or recreational) then in a time of 118 minutes 44 women’s race, why not contact the Cross Country seconds. The next internal the prize was Club at [email protected] There team was ETA Unknown (rather surprisingly) are women only running sessions, (125 minutes 39 seconds) given to Ecole Central Paris. circuit training sessions and track whilst Wilson House were After the prize giving ceremony sessions for any athletes out there. the third best internal the committee swiftly cleaned up The training sessions are for indi- team (128 minutes 42 the JCR, whilst the competitors viduals of ALL abilities. seconds). The fastest went back home (or to the gym/ I hope to see you at one of our internal individuals Ethos) to make themselves look training sessions! The Red Bull Air Race was actually in the next park along at the union march 2nd - 13th WEDNESDAY 7TH FRIDAY 2ND schooldaze SD & p Carlsberg, Tetley’s & foam arty! Blackthorn only £1.30 a pint! Reef Bottles alue Night only £1.75 (all flavours) t The Bestin London V
everythe wednesday union a
Friday 2nd March 2007 20.00 - 02.00 £2.75 Double Smirnoff, Gordons, Bacardi or Bells & Draught Mixer 999 Emergency Services From 22:00 THURSDAY 8TH TUESDAY 6TH & 13TH ROOTS AND SHOOTS
ALSO ON Fri 2nd Schooldaze Tue 6th Quiz Night! Wed 7th Sin City - 999 Emergency Services Thu 8th Roots and Shoots Fri 9th Jazz Big Band Tue 13th Quiz Night!
imperialcollegeunion.org/ents Imperial College Union, Beit Quadrangle, Prince Consort Road, London SW7 2BB The Union encourages responsible drinking. R.O.A.R. Student I.D. Required. Friday 2 March 2007 felix 23
PUZZLES [email protected] Wordoku 1 This Week’s Flaccid Sausages
Complete the grid so that every row, every column and every Scorpio (23 Oct – 21 Nov) Pisces (19 Feb – 20 Mar) Cancer (22 Jun – 22 Jul) 3x3 square contains the letters A, C, F, L, N, P, S, T and U. E-mail your solution to [email protected] by Tuesday 9am. You realise the elec- Today’s mopey bas- This week, nothing We will randomly select a winner to receive either a 128MB USB tions are a bigger tard phrase is used happens. stick or a crate of beer. You must claim your prize within a week. waste of time than in a pub when served attempting to carve a an incomplete pint: 1/10th size replica of “I can tell you how to Mount Rushmore out sell more beer.” Idiot S T L of your own skin peelings. There- barman (who is no doubt thinking fore, you make a 1/10th size replica about burying an ice axe in your of Mount Rushmore out of your cranium): “Oh yeah? How?” You: S N L own skin peelings. “Fill up your fucking pints.” Really. Sagittarius (22 Nov – 21 Dec) Aries (21 Mar – 20 Apr) Leo (23 Jul – 22 Aug) C U P Let me tell you I once knew a man I like big butts and I something about me, who set fire to his can not lie / You other L N S F babe. I’m bad. Bad to farts. This is, in fact, brothers can’t deny / the bone. My badness a far more danger- That when a girl walks knows no bounds. It ous act than Youtube in with an itty bitty N F L U stretches out further makes it look. There waist / And a round than a hooker in a blender, and is always the risk of internal flame thing in your face / You get sprung much further than two hookers in ingestion, which can lead to seri- Wanna pull up tough / Cuz you notice U P F N a blender, but only just about as far ous burns on the sphincter of the that butt was stuffed / Deep in the as three hookers in a blender. participant. jeans she’s wearing (cont. page 94) T A F Capricorn (22 Dec – 19 Jan) Taurus (21 Apr – 21 May) Virgo (23 Aug – 22 Sept) I like to blind people You know what isn’t Why I shouldn’t drink, S P A with camera flashes funny? Herpes. It part 42. Last week, I then grab their really isn’t. I’ve spent consumed a goodly unmentionables. the whole week saying amount of ale at L P S It’s more fun than ‘herpes’ to random yonder public house, chloroform, and less passers-by, and now I and awoke next morn- expensive than GHB. However, have a cold sore. Poetic justice, or ing to find I fallen asleep in bed on Solution to 1,374 Jotting pad it costs me a fucking fortune in just a direct consequence of licking a plate of chips. Said chips were Duracell extra-long-life batteries. I public toilets? Only my parole of- throughly mashed into my chest 8 7 2 3 5 9 1 6 4 should buy shares in them. ficer knows the truth. hair. I ate them all. HAHAHAHA 1 4 5 6 8 7 3 9 2 9 6 3 2 1 4 7 5 8 Aquarius (20 Jan – 18 Feb) Gemini (22 May – 21 Jun) Libra (23 Sept – Oct 22) 2 1 7 5 9 3 4 8 6 3 9 8 1 4 6 5 2 7 A seeing-eye dog was ARRRRRRRRRRRR My favourite jungle 6 5 4 7 2 8 9 1 3 undressing me with RRRRRRRRRRRRR ape is the bonobo. its eyes, so I maced RRRRRRRRRRRRR I’ve never been very 5 8 1 4 7 2 6 3 9 him. It gave me great RRRRRRRRRRRRR fond of the baboon 7 3 9 8 6 5 2 4 1 satisfaction, but no RRRRRRRRRRRRR or common chimp, 4 2 6 9 3 1 8 7 5 tail (if you understand RRRRRRRRRRRRR and I have no love for the vernacular). I’ve had a serious RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR the orangutan. Gorillas? I say pff. Thanks to everyone who entered. problem recently with pirates fol- RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR Nothing but oversized carpets with The winner this week is Jason Lo- lowing me in the high street. Note RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR eyes. Yes, I am very fond of the gan. He smells like dawn rain. to self: buy more mace. RRGH. I stubbed my fucking toe. bonobo.
Felix Crossword 1,375 Scarecrow
1 2 3 3 3 4 4 5 6 7 ACROSS DOWN To celebrate the end of a long, ar- duous shambles of an election cam- 8 9 1 Tinker with a post-grad 1 Indenters break plates (6,3) paign, I’ve written you all a wee qualification (6) 2 Ratify and swindle a company (7) crossword. Be grateful. 10 10 11 4 Torn up and ponced about (6) 3 Ring chaps with a bad feeling (4) It’s not very funny, it’s not too 10 Cowardly neon choir runs (3-6) 5 Accidental minor (10) easy, nor too hard, and it’s full of 12 11 Gut dots (5) 6 Criminal record follows copper cocking anagrams, so you lot should 12 Live badly (4) and slows down (7) all be rimming it. Some of it doesn’t 12 13 13 Wasted squared end (10) 7 Ate and died around a point (5) even make any sense. But nothing’s 15 Warrior caste, storm troops, 8 Invaders turn acorns to squid made up, and it’s all possible. 14 16 greek character, sun god and I (13) I’ll take pity on you all, since you’re (7) 9 Scattered round a once hardly likely to know what 27 across 15 16 17 16 Torn ear put together less reasonable study of the deep is unless you’re a chemist, and not simply (7) (13) many chemists have submitted so- 18 Disheartened sailor I depress 14 Broken tree is infinite and alone lutions in the past (a bit dim, may- on submarine (7) (10) be?) - 27 across is “speiss”. No, re- 18 19 20 21 20 Speech about ring allocation (7) 17 Born again, making shoddy ally. Would I lie to you? 22 Bird who ruins sudokus (7,3) entrances (9) Don’t answer that. 22 23 24 25 23 Work stirs up broth (4) 19 Think I unravel an enigma (7) Scarecrow 25 Static sound (5) 21 Form a jury out of an imp, an 22 23 26 Disorder back stove (9) elf (7) 27 Arsenic compound for alleged 22 Caisson disease deforms (5) Solution to Crossword 1,374 30 24 spooks (6) 24 So Al is confused (4) C S I R E Y E S N A W L E A R 28 Bulk sale of biblical figures (3,3) S C H U B E R T U C H O P I N 25 26 L H C N N M P A L C T C U R O B E R G U E L G A R E O R F F N M R C I N S U S E R E L R T P A G A N I N I E D V O R A K 27 22 28 S K I S N E D V T I A U P M R K R E I O S A I N T L S L E R A E N D S T A E H O L E O F F Send your answers to [email protected] or bring this page R A M E A U C S I B E L I U S down to the Felix office in the West Wing of Beit Quad by Tuesday 9am. M T O S E N E U P I R A T N S This week, our fancies were tickled by Lindsey Lim’s entry, who is this S T R A R S A E N S O B A C H week’s winner. Come down to the office to collect your tenner. Each week N A T U A A O L F T B E A L O we’ll “randomly” pick a winner, and said lucky individual will receive a R I M S K I N K O R S A K O V prize of ten British pounds. Happy trout-smacking! C N R S U L E S L O N U E G N 24 felix Friday 2 March 2007
SPORT [email protected] Varsity 2007 – The revenge of IC
Alice Rowlands Sports Editor
This Wednesday will see the annual competition between IC and ICSM, also known as the “medics”, to do battle once more on the sports field. Varsity in Imperial’s centenary year should be a bigger and more fierce- ly fought event than ever before The day includes outdoor sports at Harlington Sports Ground in- cluding football, rugby, lacrosse and hockey, indoor sports at Ethos including water polo, badminton, netball, basketball and squash; fin- ishing the day with the spectacular ICU RFC and ICSM RFC clash in the JPR Williams Rugby Varsity Match at Richmond Athletic Asso- ciation Ground. Events kick off (or push back) from 12.00 at Harlington with Im- perial and Imperial Medics teams battling it out in football, rugby, la- crosse and hockey matches. Last year there was some fierce competition between the 2nd and 3rd XV, in the rugby, with the medics winning both games but not without a fight from the Imperial boys. The football club showed their flair by The annual Varsity event takes place this Wednesday. Here’s a picture from last year’s “Spot the Borrower” contest comprehensively beating the med- ics at Harlington, in some cases ut- terly embarrassing the medics and womens hockey teams dominating added to the program, however ises stronger competition from IC, spectator event, and a must see for leaving the supporters wondering the field, providing great entertain- due to the lack of viewing areas in excellent rugby, and a very vocal all sport enthusiasts and anyone whether; rather than face IC them- ment for the supporters who were Ethos, we will not be selling tickets and enthusiastic crowd. The match looking for a good night out. selves they had each brought along there. to the Ethos matches. kicks off at 19.30 at Richmond Ath- their favourite great aunt to play At Ethos, the water polo, badmin- The JPR Williams Cup is now in letic Association Ground, and tick- Tickets for the event, may be instead. ton, basketball and netball sides are its fifth year, last year the medics ets must be bought for this event. bought on line at www.imperial- The hockey club did not disap- back for some more competition edged away towards the end of the The JPR Williams Rugby Varsity collegeunion.org/sports-partner- point either, with all the mens and and this year, squash has also been game, winning 22 – 12; 2007 prom- match is the College’s largest sports ship-322/category A selection of Varsity match chants in F minor
If you turn up to varsity this year (which you should) chances are you’ll hear quite a few chants coming from both the medic and IC supporters. So that we are all singing from the Who can take just two bricks, hold one in each hand, same hymn sheet we thought it would be a good idea to print some of the more popular (and bang them on a medic, like the cymbals in the band? confusing) chants. This first song is something of an anthem for Imperial rugby, traditionally sung when the team win and to lift spirits when things go bad: The S&M Man, The S&M Man, ‘cause he mixes it with love and makes the hurt feel good... ICURFC who is Sylvia? Who is Sylvia, what is she? The hurt feel good...
She’ a rag bag, shag bag automatic whore with a fanny as wide as a Who can take a feminist, punch her in the face. big barn door she can hop she can jump shove a barrel up her cunt, Throw the bitch in the kitchen and yell, “Know your fucking place!” she’s the girl for me. Who can go to an abortion clinic, sneak around the back, Ooh baby, give it to me harder, “fuck me with your finger, fuck me Rummage through the dumpster and grab a tasty snack? with your cock”, she cried. “Arghhhh!” Who can go to an abortion clinic, fuck sneaking round the back, Enter through the front door and take one off the rack? Here’s one that tells the medics exactly what we think of them: Who can take two ice picks, shove ‘em in her ears, ride her like a Harley while he fucks her in the rear? When I was just a little boy, my mother asked me what will I be.
Will I be IC? Will I be medic? There are also some ever-popular one-liners including:
Here’s what she said to me: Shipman is your idol, Shipman is your idol, la la la la, la la la la Go and get your fathers gun, and shoot all the medic scum, and shoot all the medic scum, shoot the medic scum!
Who owns you, who owns you This song is not for the faint hearted and the easily offended should look away now, appar- ently some of the boys picked up this song, along with a few other things, while on tour this summer. The tune if the same as the Candy Man song from the start of the first Charlie and And my housemate’s personal favourite: the Chocolate Factory film, the good thing about this chant is that some rather large, slightly lairy, drunken bloke will start and all you have to do is repeat what he says: Medics take it up the arse, do-dah, do-dah!
Who can take Shipman, give him to a gran, tell her how to abuse, the fucking medic man? (No I don’t live with very nice (or intelligent) people, if you have a spare room please email: [email protected]) The S&M Man, The S&M Man, ‘cause he mixes it with love If all else fails then just copy what the person next to you is yelling, or simply yell something and makes the hurt feel good... incoherent involving medics and some unsightly part of your anatomy! If you are, by some The hurt feel good... unfortunate coincidence, a medic simply insert ‘IC’ where we say ‘medic’ as the rest of your supporters will be doing! Friday 2 March 2007 felix 25
SPORT [email protected] RSM boys left scratching their heads
Mens Hockey RSM 1st XI 1 CSM 1st XI 5
The 16-man squad were full of high spirits and energy as they left the RSM looking the most professional they have ever been. Only time would tell if this highly charismatic band of brothers would pull off a stunt that hasn’t been seen for 7 years. After watching the CSM ladies steal a victory off our own, our re- solve was hardened and we held our heads high as we took to the field. The first half we played at a nail biting pace which was matched by the CSM. Our steely defence of Pete, Simon, Sam and Tim were hard to beat and our midfield could be renamed wholefield as they were seen in helping out in the entirety of the pitch. There were some stunning runs through midfield with Sam L, Yung and Rich F at left and right halves passing triangles round the The Felix staff would like to apologise for printing this photo. We were forced to display the picture by numbers X, 6 and 7 otherwise the Cornish folk with the centre halves, consequence was a severe case of bum cracks meet face juxtaposed with gaseous emission. We wish for forgiveness in our time of clear need Rich D and Mikey. Unfortunately we did not capital- ise on our opportunities and Cam- match had been so far. The RSM ing play only cut us short through save of a drag flick. The defence mention to Tom for brilliant stick borne snuck two fluky deflections have come back from worse situ- their added fitness allowing them to kept making powerful on-the-line work and play on the ball, Man of past Ade, who was playing up to his ations before and they were going break, and score. saves displaying the resolve of the the Match went to Pete for stoic name ‘The Cat’. Leon and Kwesi to do their best to come back from Anthony and John gave fresh legs team. defending. found themselves fighting a devil- this one. As soon as the second half to the defence, but not enough to Our consolation goal was made The score line was a poor reflec- ish battle with the CSM defence started the aggression from us dou- keep back the CSM defence. Our by Pike when he carefully lofted tion of the game, and how hard we only to be unlucky not to score. bled and we made many more at- defence shorts were perfect not let- the ball for the Camborne defender had worked or how well we played. The half time whistle went and tacks into their half. Leon, Ben and ting anything go in with Ade once to guide in, beautiful tactics well Thank you to all who played and to RSM were 2-0 down, a harsh score Tom did sterling work at bringing again proving himself and gained worked. The game ended 1-5, Cam- Kiran for some first class heckling line considering how even the the game to Camborne. The attack- champagne moment for a reaction borne having out-played us. Special and support. Ladies rugby team also gets kicked into touch
ening in the game’s intensity. Ladies Rugby Technically playing “touch” rugby, RSM 1st XV 5 tackles became harder and head-on CSM 1st XV 15 collisions were rife, preventing any extra yards being gained by either party. Ellie Bailey spotted an open- Susie Ogilvie ing on the try line and dived forward during a restart, causing great de- For the second time, RSM gath- light on our part to wipe the smug ered together a group of dedicated, grins off their mutated faces. valiant ladies ready to fight to the Unfortunately, they only retali- death for the “Parky Bottle” (a ated harder and scored two more now formalised trophy rather than tries, resulting in a 15-5 defeat for a scrawled on milk bottle that was us. A sad result after the hard work used last year) against the inbred and effort put in, but all the more scum that formed the CSM “wom- motivation to win it next year! We’re en”. Unfortunately “cough-tests” coming for you CSM! were not permitted on the CSM Luckily pride was restored later team, so we could only take their in the evening when all the RSM word for it that they were in fact, and CSM team captains fought it women- a fact I’m still unconvinced out in a boat race. RSM’s experi- of. enced warriors wiped the floor with The game began and CSM were the useless CSM scum. Not that first to score resulting in a height- they ever stood a chance!
Felix Sport needs you! Yes, you! Well, your sports reports at least. Along with any more pictures of Alice Rowlands naked that you might have laying around. Dirty stalker.
Get on the deck and give me ten for losing! Then give me twenty for looking so damn happy about losing! 26 felix Friday 2 March 2007
SPORT [email protected] Mourning miners lose their bottle
Daniel Hill RSM Sports Officer
ou may remember from last weeks Felix that I was advertising the 105th Bottle Match and giving you a brief over- Yview of what it’s all about. Well a week has passed and so has the Bottle Match, the following few pages give a sneak insight into the carnage that was last weekend. The Bottle Match kicked off in true style with a traditional RSM Bar night, as usual the yard glass made its appearance and the beer tourettes took us to Belushi’s. Fri- day morning started with the golf, and amazingly the sore heads from the night before didn’t stop the team making a 9am tee off time! The squash matches took place in the evening at Wilson House, fol- lowed by the obligatory celebra- tions in the Union. On Saturday we made our way to Harlington where hockey (men’s and women’s), football (men’s) and rugby (men’s and women’s) were played. As ever there was much banter coming from the sidelines throughout the day, especially dur- ing the rugby match. One of my favourite quotes has to be from Sa- tan, “Is inbred the right term or am I being politically incorrect?” As well as the absurd amount of abuse being thrown at the Camborne min- ers, a team of enthusiastic RSMers dazzled the inbreds with a half time performance of bouncing baps and balls (they streaked!). Using this as a distraction, Ents Officer Holly Sutherland broke through the CSM defences to snatch some of their much treasured regalia. 30 seconds later, Holly was on the floor amidst a brawl of fists and studs (and not in a good way!). The end of the match saw many tears shed, of which we shall say no more (other than what is written on the opposite page – Ed). Following the matches we migrat- ed home towards the Union Bar for a swift 6 halves before our slap up meal in the SCR. A quick retreat saw us back in the Union Bar and Da’Vincis for the presentation and further carnage. After the handover of OUR bottle, we challenged CSM with the final sporting event, the Captain’s Boat Race. We retained our pride and absolutely destroyed them, when will they ever learn? We look forward to next year when the Bottle will return!
Alice Rowlands, Sports Editor
PHOTOGRAPHS BY CHRIS LARVIN Friday 2 March 2007 felix 27
SPORT [email protected] CSM success with their first try
Mens Rugby RSM 1st XV 3 CSM 1st XV 5
Rob Phillips
The match started fairly cautiously with both teams not giving anything away too early. The favourable wind blowing behind the RSM was taken advantage of, with captain and fly- half Rob Phillipps kicking them into a good attacking position. In the opposition 22, the RSM tried to run some backs crash back moves with centres Andy D and Nathan but were spoiled by an eager Camborne defence. RSM continued to win safe fast line out ball with a combination of pin-point throwing from Charlie and catching from Ben, which Cam- borne could only defend against il- legally, providing scrum-half Stewy to step up and take the points. RSM 3-0 Camborne. Camborne came straight back with re-newed enthusiasm with a series of rolling mauls which the RSM had some trouble stopping. However, the RSM forwards de- fence at the fringes was solid. The props Alex BB and Joe held strong in the scrums even after claims of eye gauging and ear biting had been The RSM prop looks terrified at the prospect of getting that close to a ginger person. stubbornly ignored by the ref. Cam- borne finally tried to spread the ball wide where their winger was soon a bloody nosed Simon T, the unim- Simon Jones and Rhys Cutler. The secure with the arrival of Jovan, the last minute of the game. Stewy denied access by Alex O’Rourke. aginative Camborne team scored. ball was spread wide incorporat- and any Camborne possession was struck it well, under immense pres- The referees dubious decision of a A missed kick made it 5-3 CSM at ing fullback Will and wing Tom on a quickly turned over with Gareths sure, only to have the wind drag it spear tackle led to Alex spending 10 half time. number of occasions, but the CSM sneaky hands. RSM continued wide at the last second leaving CSM minutes in the sin bin. The second half was dominated put up a determined defence. A their pressure with great running to claim their first Bottle Match in The weakened RSM team was by RSM. Playing against the wind penalty awarded to RSM was with- lines from man of the match Flan- a decade. spread even more allowing the forced them to run more of their in striking distance, which ‘missed’ nan and Jovan, but could not con- A devastated RSM proceeded to CSM to push hard for a try. After possession. With some excellent ex- by inches as the Camborne touch vert it into points. RSM again were the union to drown theirs sorrows, a long period of defence, including tended periods of play, and fast ball judge decided. awarded a penalty for foul play in and plan their Bottle recovery mis- to push overs being held up, one by secured by everywhere flankers The RSM scrum was even more the Camborne defensive line in sion to Camborne next year. For once, a team from Imperial loses; badly too
Ladies Hockey RSM 1st XV 1 CSM 1st XV 5
Charlotte Atteck
What can be said apart from “shit happens”. With the difficult task of playing first the ladies team took to the pitch after an encouraging warm up session with high hopes for the match to come against the Camborne’s men’s…I mean..ladies team. RSM started strong dominat- ing possession with Ally, Conners and, Anna getting the ball into the CSM half. Despite the efforts of our dedicat- ed defenders Alice R and Gilly, we were a goal down before we know what happened with an illegal goal allowed to one of the CSM dykes…I mean players. With our heads held high we con- tinued on with some excellent op- portunities created that we weren’t able to finish although our forwards Would you believe this photo was taken at 10am? Yes, I thought you might, those hockey girls have quite a reputation! were sweating blood for the rest of the team. In the end 5-1 was the way the game ended, a disappointing reason (champagne moment of no one player stood out above an- I would also like to thank the sup- showed how much the bottle match score for such a hard working and course), Sammy for killing her an- other, the team gave all they had porters who could be arsed to turn means, and how much the hockey dedicated team. kle and playing on (dick of the day), and in the end they were just better. up so early to support the hock- club means to all of us. Oh and Highlights of the match included Ally getting a ball to the head, and I would like to thank everyone who ey club, your abuse of CSM was thanks for the dirty pint contribu- Anna’s sprint off pitch for a quick everyone’s beautiful bloody knees... played, it was an awesome match, a inspirational. tions, I was truly touched to know tactical vom, Sarah managing to impressive. great set up for next years annihila- Although both teams were you would all pay £30 to see me trip herself up for no apparent Although I got man of the match, tion of CSM. crushed with the results, it only hammered…team love or what! CROSSWORD SUDOKU Sport pages 23 Miners squash Cambourne scum
I’m confused, where is the car?
It took RSM until late the next day to realise that squash is infact the only sport that matters
tory, a heavy burden of expectation smoothly commanded a straight of the Cambourne captain, and so it a herculean effort from supremely Squash was lain upon the broad shoulders set destruction of his inbred coun- fell to veteran legend of the arena talented long haired fresher no. 1 RSM 1sts 5 of new and rather dashing RSM terpart. Geochemist Alexander George Hutson to do his duty in Phil was enough to quash a brief CSM 1sts 0 squash captain Flannan O’Mahony O’Rourke quickly followed suit, usurping the Cambourne no 2. He but spirited Cambourne revival, and his elite band of athletic pala- galloping about the court with the coolly obliged, effortlessly working thus completing an emphatic 5-0 dins. In the near palatial surround- power of a steroid loaded ox and his opponent about the court before whitewash. The RSM players and Flannan O’Mahony ings of the Wilson House rec- the grace of a young Baryshnikov delivering the sharp, clinical blow supporters, giddy with the elation reation centre in Paddington, the to claim another resounding 3-0 of defeat upon the hapless Cor- of victory, stood proud, the dejected As one of the most successful RSM drew first blood through long victory. O’Mahony kept the winning nish miner. The last match was to Cambourne contingent left broken, sports teams in recent RSM his- haired fresher no. 2, Landy, who culture alive with a swift thrashing be the most keenly competed, and dispirited and desolate.
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