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“Keep the Cat Free”

07/03/14 Issue 1571 felixonline.co.uk

Discovering Miso-gine-soc THIS ISSUE...

Joe Letts Felix finds evidence implicating the Men’s Hockey XI 2’s CLUBS & SOCS Editor-in-Chief team in misogynistic behaviour online

his week Felix discovered the existence of “GineSoc”, the alter-ego of the Imperial Men’s Hockey XI 2’s team. After discovering Ta certificate of “Gine” last week on a table outside the FiveSixEight (a bar located on Union premises), we carried out further research. Our Check(mate) your investigations revealed the existence of an “@ginesoc” twitter feed (now Privilege 54 removed), containing an explicit avatar image and a mixture of tweets to pornographic actresses as well as tweets about hockey matches. Included in the twitter feed were TV an invitation for a porn actress to visit Imperial College Union on a Wednesday night if she “ever want[ed] a good time in London” and a request for a shout out from Select UK Radio to “ginesoc hockey club, listening on the way back home from a big 4-2 win” Felix also found a closed Facebook group called “ICHC Men’s Ginesoc XI”, in which the group identified themselves as “The glorious men’s 2’s” and linked to a definition of “gine” Exploring the wit of which states that gine means “sexual relations with a girl”, which “comes Stewart Lee 51 from the word Vagina” and “is a harsh way of saying that someone wants to have sexual relations with a girl”. Felix spoke to the ICHC asking them to explain why they felt it was FEATURES acceptable to publish the material they they did on social media in a way that potentially excludes the female associated with the facebook page and Looking at the evidence we have scrutiny on the squad is due to members of hockey. In response to twitter account in question. A formal gathered, Felix believes that the squad Union Bye-Law E, which deals with these allegations the Men’s XI 2’s investigation into these allegations has is potentially in breach of BUCS “Bringing, or having the potential Team Captain Jack Farrant stated via been launched under the provisions Regulation 17 article 1, which states: to bring, the Union into disrepute”, email, “ICHC is one of the largest contained in the Union’s Bye Laws. “Every member institution and its amongst other matters. entirely mixed sports clubs at Imperial While this investigation is taking place clubs shall be responsible for ensuring After we reported the allegations and we pride ourselves in being one of a suspension of activities has been that its players, officials and all persons to both the Union and ICHC, the most friendly and inclusive societies” issued to the team in question. purporting to be its representatives offending facebook group and twitter Felix also spoke to the Union, who The Union takes allegations of do not conduct themselves or print account were removed (although a A bit of interfaith released the following statement: this nature very seriously; we will / have published any material which text version of the twitter feed is still “The Union were made aware on be acting quickly to establish facts will bring the company into disrepute available in the google cache). discussion about Thursday 6 March of allegations that and explanations related to these including social media platforms.” Have any further information? Please extremeism 4 the IC Hockey Mens 2nd Team were allegations.” We also believe that the further email us at [email protected].

FRIDAY 07 MAR 3 Editors: Nida Mahmud, Maciej Matuszewski, Aamna Mohdin, Aemun Reza NEWS [email protected]

Imperial Student mines Chess Team wins at Elections begin

teams, was much less clear-cut. The at Imperial Dogecoins BUCA second team, seeded first in this to send the Jamaican bobsled team competition, consisted of first board College Union to the 2014 Sochi Winter Olympics. Wan Mohd Fahzli, second board Boey Maciej Matuszewski However Dogecoins are not yet worth Max Eggl Jin Huey, third board Shih Goh and anywhere near as much as Bitcoins – fourth board, captain Luke Barron. News Editor the student’s efforts have only earned Games and Tech Editor Throughout the first few rounds, they Aemun Reza him the equivalent of £20. routed their opponents, however a News Editor An Imperial student used College Speaking to CoinDesk reporter and Two weekends ago, Imperial College draw against main title contenders computers to mine 30,000 former Felix editor Kadhim Shubber London’s chess club fielded three Birmingham did not bode well for Dogecoins. The Dogecoin, which earlier this week the anonymous teams for the British University Chess the rest of the competition. However was first introduced three months student said that he decided to Association championship (BUCA), even after that setback, they team ago and is inspired by the popular use College computers rather than coming away with two cases of bounced back all the way to the Doge meme, is one of a number of buying a powerful computer because silverware. last game, which seemed have been cryptocurrencies set up following the he doesn’t “find the cryptocurrency The first team competed in the written in the stars, against Imperial’s spectacular success of Bitcoin. Such market stable enough to make real open competition, where the real third team. The third team, lead by cryptocurrencies are not controlled investments, at least for now, on a title of British Chess Champion Maximilian Eggl and fielding Alina by a central bank but rather by a pre- student budget”. He added that: “I’ve was competed. Captained by James Mititelu, Nikolai Rozanov and Ioannis The Big Elections for 2014 have determined algorithm. Individuals not had a single issue yet, so I’ve kept Hookham, and including Alex Englezos, had traversed an easier path. started this week at Imperial College. can donate some of their computer’s scaling up! It seems they don’t have Galliano, Veronica Foisor as well as After losing against Birmingham in Campaigning started on Monday 3rd processor time to running this anything set up to bring attention to Chess President Arijit Gupta ¬– the their third game, they had gone from March and will continue through till algorithm and managing transactions the fact I’m maxing out the CPUs, team that had been seeded first – strength to strength and won all their the 14th March and voting opens next performed using these currencies. which is nice”. was expected to retain the title that consequent games. This led to the week on Friday 7th March and will They are rewarded for this by being However, by Tuesday the scheme was they had won last year. However, game of the two Imperials being quite last one week. awarded newly generated coins of that discovered by College ICT, resulting several hurdles stood in the way of significant in determining the final According to the ICU website, over currency – this process is referred to in the student being permanently Imperial’s success. Over ten teams position of the two teams. In a show of 459 candidates are running. So even as mining and is the only way in which banned from using the College’s more were competing, including formidable selflessness, Imperial thirds lost their though there are over 100 positions, new Dogecoins and Bitcoins can be powerful research supercomputers. In foes in Cambridge 1 and Edinburgh. game securing Imperial second’s win competition for certain positions produced. a statement to The Tab Imperial, the However, after playing five rounds, in this competition, leaving them in will be tight this year. The infamous Working late at night, the student College said: “Use of the College’s IT all the worries of Imperial’s first fifth position in the standings. Union President position has seven was able to use ordinary desktop facilities for commercial purposes is team were proven to be completely In addition to the team prizes, six candidates running. terminals to mine the Dogecoins. not permitted without authorisation. unfounded, as a clean sheet of five wins Imperial players won board prizes for For more information, follow the He follows the example of a Harvard Imperial investigates and takes were secured leaving the Imperialites their outstanding play. These included #VoteICU hastag on twitter or follow Student who used their University’s appropriate action against instances with ten points out of a possible ten, Nikolai Rozanov, Veronica Foisor the Elections Blog on the ICU website. research supercomputer for of misuse, in line with information and thus confirming them as British and Luke Barron. All in all, this was To view the full list of who is running Dogecoin mining. The currency policies. Occasional personal use of Chess Champions for the second year quite a success for the Chess club, and for what position check out felixonline. has been growing in both value and College machines is permitted where running. hopefully this can be repeated in next co.uk (http://bit.ly/1czDRCr) or read popularity – most notably having use does not disrupt the conduct of The Plate competition, which year’s competition. Read more in Luke our lovely 16 page pull out. been used to fundraise the money College business or other users.” included Imperial’s second and third Barron’s full report next week.

Former College Sponsored Editorial lecturer claims unfair dismissal due to student satisfaction Student Discounts At

Joe Letts Editor-in-Chief Fresh Hairdressers 70m from South Kensington tube ccording to an article in the Times Higher Education, former College lecturer Yeong- Ah Soh has brought an Men’s cuts £22 (normally £35) employmentA tribunal claim against All over clipper cuts from £10 Imperial for the reasons of unfair Women’s cut and rough dry £28 dismissal, racial discrimination Women’s cut and salon finish and suffering detriment for blow-dry £38 (normally £55) whistleblowing. Highlights from only £40 The former materials lecturer believes that she was fired due to Sorry CASH only! low student satisfaction scores she received during feedback. When she FRESH hairdressers are offering started at College in 2010 Dr. Soh the best haircuts, prices and Appointments available Tuesday to was allegedly told not to lower the service in South Kensington. Saturdays 9.30 to 6.30 standard of her teaching, despite negative student feedback. Please call 0207 823 8968 to We are only 70 metres from According to the Times Higher book an appointment and ask for South Kensington station at 15a Education Dr Soh also claimed that a student discount. Please bring Harrington road, South Kensington, positive student satisfaction from your student ID we look forward to SW7 3ES 0207 823 8968. students were often related to students seeing you. expecting to receive strong marks in We use the best styling products Check out our website: It’s still not to late to get involved in Felix... examinations in that subject. from Wella, Moroccan Oil, L’Oreal. www.freshhairdressers.co.uk

At the time of going to print, College [email protected] was unavailable for response. 4 FRIDAY 07 MAR

Editor: Shiladitya Ghosh FEATURES [email protected] An Joseph Interfaith Foundation Discussion – Extremism: Its Root Causes And How To Address Them Nida Mahmud News Editor A recent Interfaith discussion at Imperial College London was organised by the Joseph Interfaith Foundation (JIF) and the Islamic Society at Imperial. Speakers from the Jewish Society (JSoc), the Islamic Society (ISoc) and the Catholic Society (CathSoc) discussed their views on the root causes of extremism and how they can be addressed.

Comment: Yusuf Qureshi point? For Muslims, it is the Quran and name for their own reasons; generally (ISoc) the way of the Prophet Muhammad political. xtremism. A word which (Peace and Blessings be upon him). This is the first group: few in number bombards us everyday in Muslims embrace the Quran as the but with a clear but malicious vision. the media and has some word of God, who states that ”whoever ‘Predators’ is a good description. form of definition in every kills a soul unless for a soul or for The second faction is comprised of single person’s vocabulary. corruption [done] in the land - it is as ignorant zealots, people who have EThe basic definition of extremism if he had slain mankind entirely. And immense enthusiasm for their religion is the maximum possible deviation whoever saves one - it is as if he had but lack knowledge of its teachings; from a central reference point, which saved mankind entirely.” [5:32]. As a puppets. To put it very simply, the in a religious context, would be our Muslim, when I see such disregard for latter are manipulated by the former, Prophets and scriptures. That being human life from people who claim to who exploit the ignorance to give the said, extremism is not necessarily follow the same book and Prophet as illusion that the basis of these actions violent. It is possible to be extreme myself, I can’t help but wonder, have are religious teachings. in seemingly noble deeds such as they even read the Quran? Have they The solution is very simple: prayer, fasting and even charity! any notion of how many times they’ve Education and stemming the flow The topic discussed, however, was a slain the whole of mankind in the sight of naive enthusiasts, ensuring that specific form of extremism; namely of God? Surely, had anybody read this the predators are starved of puppets. violence in the name of religion. As verse, it would speak volumes on the We should see that religious leaders a Muslim, you would imagine that I sanctity of life in Islam? are properly educated and trained in shall now proceed to ramble on about The fact of the matter is that “violent the knowledge of their own religions how Islam is a peaceful religion and religious extremism” almost never and the state of current affairs and Comment: Bension Tilley (JSoc) put forward their arguments in total how the people who commit such has any religious motivation behind political climate, empowering them xtremism is one of the most confidence that they would not be disgusting and heinous crimes are it. When speaking about extremism, to take control of the surrounding hotly-debated talks of our judged for them. This made for one definitely not acting within the realms two groups of people spring to mind. community and to direct the energy of generation. The publicity it of the most stimulating debates I have of Islamic law. I won’t. Remember In any given ideology, there will be enthusiasts into something productive receives in the media reflects ever been part of, both at Imperial the aforementioned central reference people who are willing to defame its and beneficial to society. its profound importance and outside Imperial. Although Ein modern day political discourse. nothing was overtly concluded overall Comment: Theo Susanto It would be true to say that the vast from the discussion, I feel that all not those that I intended, that I was constraints warrant such extreme (CathSoc) majority of extremism that we hear present, including the speakers, not representing the views of my faith reactions. However, it is apparent of is Islamic in nature, but it would be came away with an altered opinion IF is among the rare chances properly. from the dialogue that the root was ignorant of us to restrict our opinions on how extremism manifests and its where different faith This year’s event is different though; not just the constraints, but also the on extremism only to what we hear in importance in their daily lives. groups can engage in open instead of representing my faith, I was inclination to accuse the ‘other’; to the media. In order for a person to be It was an absolute pleasure working discussion. there to discuss strictly my thoughts, find scapegoats on the matters that able to participate fully in a discussion with the Joseph Interfaith Foundation, This is the second year I and my rather mild experiences befall the community. on extremism, he must first appreciate the Islamic Society and Catholic representedJ CathSoc. Unfortunately pertaining to extremism. Such unfortunate chain of events is the fact that extremism can permeate Society on the seminar. The way the this year, I was less prepared. I was ill It was a powerful feeling to hear possible mainly due to the suppression into any subject matter, be it political, societies worked together is testament and still losing my voice; I was really stories from other people about by those with knowledge and vision. religious, economic or otherwise. to the strong interfaith relations nervous and I stuttered often. their experience: Harassment as Amazing is the significance of a strong Then he must understand that his present on campus here at Imperial. Despite that, people gave me what Benison had experienced can will, no matter how twisted it is, in view on extremism is not shared by Everyone present approached tremendous support and made happen to anyone around us. Often spilling out and influencing others to all: extremism is a fundamentally the interfaith discussions with a me comfortable in continuing the we do not notice; little things that may follow it. subjective matter. What is considered completely open mind, willing to learn dialogue. push someone to the edge constantly It would be great for events such extremist to one person may not be to about the traditions of other religions Ms Mehri Niknam is extremely happen. as this to grow, as they create a another. to broaden their already considerable enthusiastic and always pushes us Among some of the privileged, comfortable place for people to engage The most appropriate forum for the knowledge of interfaith. to loosen formalities and political I tend to overlook the fact that their viewpoints, build or rebuke their analysis of extremism is in a public Events like these encompass the true correctness. Without which, a fruitful extremism does not just occur with principles, and often to allow people debate where all views are free to air spirit of interfaith and I am hopeful and meaningful discussion would be sensationalistic violence in some to hear the other side of the story. in a non-judgmental atmosphere. I that there will be many more interfaith difficult to achieve faraway land; dialogue such as this Sometimes we get too comfortable believe that the IC Extremism Seminar events to come in the remainder of Personally I am always anxious serves as a powerful reminder, that with our own community. I am afraid encapsulated all of these qualities, and this academic year, to which you are about the event; being put out of my such misfortunes could happen to that in those cases, extremism often as a result, all present were able to all invited! comfort zone. There is always the someone we can relate to. starts to sprout. worry that the words I uttered were At first, it seems that only extreme Mehri Niknam (JIF) dialogue and interaction between the We offer support and co-operation he success of the seminar Muslim and Jewish communities in with students/student unions for the “JIF is a national joint Muslim-Jewish interfaith can be gauged from the fact Britain. The Foundation also aims to promotion of interfaith relations, that it was due to finish at promote a deeper understanding of single faith discussions, and student organisation. We are committed to fostering 7:30. We carried on talking both faiths among the general public. discussions in the widest and most till 8:30 The foundation’s projects are focused challenging aspects. We support engagement through constructive and TThe Joseph Interfaith Foundation on 4 major areas: 1) University freedom of speech, condemn hate is a national joint Muslim-Jewish students; 2) Religious leaders; 3) speech, respect and protect the realistic dialogue and interaction between the interfaith organisation. We are Muslim & Jewish physicians, 4) privacy of all students who participate committed to fostering engagement Academics. . Please see our website: in our projects Muslim and Jewish communities in Britain.” through constructive and realistic www.josephinterfaithfoundation.org FRIDAY 07 MAR 5

Editor: Shiladitya Ghosh [email protected] FEATURES

Exploring the Student Consultation Framework

David Goldsmith wants your References 1. Read about the Union’s #AgainstActon campaign last year here:https://www.imperialcollegeunion. feedback on how College can org/your-union/campaigns/accommodation 2. Those who have so far been consulted and their feedback incorporated into this draft: best consult students about · Debra Humphris, Vice Provost (Education) · Denis Wright, Director of Student Support changes that affect you · Muir Sanderson, Chief Financial Officer · Dean Pateman, Academic Registrar · Simon Archer, College Tutor · Jonathan Narcross and JP Jones, College Communications · Lorraine Craig, Department of Earth Science and Engineering · Stephen Richardson, Associate Provost (Institutional Affairs) David Goldsmith · Bridgette Duncombe, Department of Chemistry Union President · Jenny Higham, Vice Dean (Education and Institutional Affairs), Faculty of Medicine · Jon Tucker, Faculty Operating Officer, Business School · Jeremy Bradley, Department of Computing · Emma Caseley and Jemma Allan, Education Office · Mike Russell and Saul Batzofin, ICT ear Students, · Simon Harding-Roots, Chief Operations Officer I am writing to ask for your feedback on something I am “Demand · Rachel Hounslow and William Brown, Student Academic Representatives, Department of Chemical developing. a new Engineering Running for the position of Union President I promised, in mechanism to 3. Details on College committees can be found here: my manifesto, to “Demand a new mechanism to ensure student ensure student · http://www3.imperial.ac.uk/registry/proceduresandregulations/committees Dconsultation from the outset of College decision-making” and in doing so help consultation · http://www3.imperial.ac.uk/secretariat/collegegovernance/governancestructure prevent situations like North Acton1 happening again. I am developing a Student from the outset Consultation framework in order to fulfill this promise. It is a framework that of College will ensure that students are given enough input into decision-making that decision- affects them, before decisions are made. I am asking for your help because it is making” important that there is strong student feedback to influence what the finished framework will look like. To help please go to http://tinyurl.com/qfeudwa in order to view the framework. Please e-mail me with any feedback you have at union.president@ ic.ac.uk. Otherwise you are welcome to attend Union Council at 18:30 on the 11th March in the Union Dining Hall (Floor 1, Union Building), where I will be presenting the framework, to give your feedback. The aim of the framework is to standardise what students and staff together believe constitutes ‘appropriate consultation with students’ based on the impact of a decision being made. The framework produces for the user recommended consultation methods and avenues for acting on them. By doing this we set a minimum standard for how and how much students are consulted on decisions that affect them. I have so far individually consulted with student reps and 15 senior members of College staff2 in order to produce a workable draft. I am now bringing this “The aim draft to Union Council, the Union newsletter, Felix and my blog to give students of the the opportunity to feed back with their thoughts. This will heavily inform what framework is the next draft will look like. I will also be presenting it for feedback to more to standardise College staff (including the Rector and the Provost), at the four Faculty Teaching what students Committees, three quality committees, the Provost’s Board, College Senate and and staff College Council3 before running a campaign to make people aware of it- this will together include training student officers in its use. believe Not only does undergoing such a thorough consultation in developing a constitutes ‘They say everyone has ‘consultation framework’ avoid hypocrisy, it also ensures that this framework ‘appropriate has true buy-in and input from all stakeholders and will therefore be trusted as consultation skeletons in their closet, a useful tool. with students’ based on the I actually do.’ Questions I would like you to consider: impact of a I’m looking to get feedback or suggestions on any part of the mechanism and decision being Dr Silvia Bello its implementation. I have though included some ideas for specific feedback that made” Palaeoanthropologist would be particularly useful for me: 1. Do you agree with the impact level each example has been placed against? (pg. 6 + 7) 2. Do you feel that the consultation methods recommended are appropriate for each impact level? (pg. 10-17) 3. Do you agree with the guidance given throughout the document?

Thank you in advance for your help. Best wishes, David. 6 FRIDAY 07 MAR

Editor: Marissa Lewis WELLBEING [email protected] Recovering from depression

What isn’t discussed as much, or at and, as a medical student, sometimes Marissa Lewis least what I haven’t picked up on, is the opinions of my course-mates can Wellbeing Editor what happens after you recover. I’ll be rather jarring. The idea of a doctor use the term ‘recover’ quite loosely with mental health issues can be met here because it means different things with scorn, as a diagnosis is often to different people – for many, it isn’t equated to irrationality and instability, here’s been a movement in a matter of curing a mental illness and whereas patients with mental health the last couple of years to being magically better, but more like problems can be seen as time wasters. get people talking about finding a treatment program which Conversely, you can also find yourself their experiences with works and that leads someone to feel excluded from discussions with fellow mental health, whether it’s like they have control over their life sufferers as you are assumed to be Ton a national scale such as Mind’s again. For me, I had several years of ignorant to these issues. Time to Talk campaign or Imperial’s really quite debilitating depression There are benefits to staying own OpenMinds campaign. There’s when I was younger and now I don’t. silent about mental illness and I’d also been a move to try and explain I’m not currently receiving treatment be disingenuous to pretend there life with a mental illness to others who for any mental health condition either. aren’t; you don’t have to deal with the haven’t suffered one, a daunting task I face a real temptation to simply associated stigma quite so harshly at best, but a project which has yielded close the book on that relatively long and you don’t have to worry about really amazing work. My personal and painful aspect of my life. Talking people treating you differently. favourite is Hyperbole and a Half’s about mental illness isn’t easy and What I’ve found difficult this year is web-comic ‘Adventures in Depression’ when you pass as a neurotypical the increased scrutiny you get as a (shown below) because it rings most person 99% of the time, you pick up sabbatical, namely the odd Tab article Myself (centre), my friend (right of centre) and some travelling companions at the true to my experiences of depression on thoughtless comments from others as well as your image on video screens Grand Canyon, showcasing my variable hair styles. although, of course, everyone’s who assume you’re in on the joke. all over the Union, which amplifies experiences are different. It also This year, I heard people say that they your normal human desire to present the past and could really use a break, Counselling Service, Union Advice contains the use of stick men, which is wouldn’t want a sabbatical officer an infallible image to the world by the thank you very much. What changes is Centre and Disability Advisory Service a well-known Union favourite. who’d had mental health problems factor of fifty. I often tried to find some yourself – the issues that would have to go around different departments in sort of middle ground between saying knocked me sideways a few years ago, order to talk to students about mental nothing and full disclosure, couching which ranged from major events to health. One of the things I say in my my illness as ‘poor mental health’ or getting out of bed in the morning, I talk is that although, in your head, you other euphemisms rather than being can now handle. And although some imagine people freaking out if you tell explicit – in doing so I found myself in days are rubbish, I’m aware that the them you are having problems with the strange situation of being anxious bad times are finite and I will feel your mental health, the most common to disclose even that much and feeling happiness again. Sounds simple, but I reaction I’ve had to disclosure is like I’d copped out of saying anything would have scoffed at these concepts people start disclosing themselves. I meaningful. in the past. suppose I’m living proof as this article I also feel a bit ridiculous talking I also know how tempting it is to was prompted by a candidate for about something that happened cling on to anything that offers you Disabilities Officer disclosing their years ago and that I was fortunate a chance of recovery when you’re own struggles with mental health on enough to get through. I grew up ill, whether or not this is rational, their public manifesto – for me the with a parent with very severe mental be it a friend or family member or a most compelling moment of the Big health issues, including delusions and treatment program or risk-taking Elections so far. hallucinations, which led to them behaviours that give you the illusion Still, I want to end this article with falling in and out of hospital, often of feeling something else for even the something positive and so I’ll talk under involuntary sections. For a briefest period of time. For me, I didn’t about the moment that I realised I long time, I was trying to battle the do well in any sort of formal treatment. was getting well. I went to stay with a perception I had that unless your I had counselling for a while but ended friend of mine (pictured above) who illness called for sirens and hospitals, it up just telling the counsellor what I lives out in the middle of nowhere – wasn’t really worth burdening anyone thought she wanted to hear. After I her village doesn’t even have a post with. At the time, I managed to trick was diagnosed when I was sixteen, office and only recently got a pub. We myself into thinking my condition I was referred to a psychiatrist to drove out to one of the fields around wasn’t really that serious as I was still start drug therapy and CBT but that her house and it was a late afternoon, sitting exams and getting good marks, just freaked me out and it didn’t take so the sun was just beginning to set, despite not attending around half of me long to drop out. Instead, I was and we had the car radio blaring as my classes in sixth form. I now realise fortunate to have amazing friends we drove around in the open, not that was absurd. who put up with me for several long, another person in sight. It’s irrational When you’re mentally ill, your difficult years (no small feat given they but when you’re depressed the main perceptions often change in ways you were just teenagers themselves) and problem is that you don’t see a way don’t realise and even now, several I was fortunate to come to Imperial out and you lose hope of ever feeling years free of depression, I’m still when things were at their worst - a anything again. For one moment, realising how messed up some of my drastic change of scenery was probably driving like an idiot and listening to old, lingering thought patterns were. what I needed most of all. For the vast canned pop songs in the middle of My view of recovery at that time majority of the population, that isn’t summer, I finally saw my life changing was particularly wrong. When I was very feasible. for the better. sick, I either envisioned recovery as People often feel a lot of anxiety I would like to share some massive some glorious light at the end of a disclosing a mental illness whether moment of revelation that would hideous tunnel that I’d never reach informally to friends or formally to be befitting of the end of a film, like or I’d see it as equally bleak as my their departments in College. As staring out over the Grand Canyon for current situation. The reality was Deputy President (Welfare), it’s hard the first time (which I did some years somewhat different and I think it advocating people to do things that later with the same friend), but no, goes something like this: life can suck I’ve personally found terrifying in my grand realisation occurred in the sometimes, whether or not you have the past and this article is one of driving seat of a Ford Focus. Hyperbole and a Half tries to show how even well-intentioned offers of help can a mental illness, and life also doesn’t many steps I’m taking to rectify that. feel to someone with depression care if you’ve had a mental illness in Recently, I’ve joined up with the It was probably equally amazing.

8 FRIDAY 07 MAR

Editors: Philippa Skett, Keir Little, Fiona Hartley SCIENCE [email protected] Breakthrough in HIV gene therapy

Philippa Skett on the new gene-editing technique that gives HIV resistance

or the first time ever, community at the time. However, with researchers have succeeded this “gene-editing” technique, it seems in making enzymes target that things are looking up again. and alter the genes of immune One participant in the study was cells that are susceptible to lucky enough not to have the virus FHIV infection. A clinical trial tested return at all during the entirety of the the enzymes, known as ‘zinc-finger 12-week period during which the anti- nucleases’ and found that they were viral therapy was paused. able to disrupt the gene CCR5, which Upon genome analysis, it was codes a protein essential for HIV entry revealed that this participant into T cells. actually already had one of the CCR5 Although the clinical trial was only mutations. Once the genes were based on around 12 volunteers, it is a modified, over half of the T cells in his promising advancement in developing body were resistant to HIV. “Nature suitable HIV treatment. had done half of the job,” says Pablo Results showed that disruptions Tebas, one of the immunologists in the CCR5 gene allowed for a leading the team at the University of significant elevation of T cells in Pennsylvania, where the study took the volunteers’ blood, indicating a place. decrease in the rate of successful The next stage is to wean people HIV infection. Furthermore, upon off antiviral drugs altogether when half of the volunteers halting their undergoing the gene disruption antiretroviral drug therapy, their HIV treatment, and it seems that this levels increased more slowly than could be a possibility. Other research expected. groups are using the same group of With the presence of HIV, the T enzymes to alter gene sequences in cells containing the modified gene haematopoietic stem cells, which proliferated more rapidly – it seems could potentially allow patients to HIV actually contributed to its own make their own HIV resistant cells downfall. indefinitely. Those who carry a mutation in the Not only that, newer enzymes may gene naturally are already resistant to actually be able to replace DNA as HIV infection; in 2008 it was reported opposed to disrupting it, and these that patient Timothy Ray Brown was could be used to help treat a multiple free from HIV after receiving donor of aliments from sickle cell anaemia bone-marrow stem cells that already through to cancer. Could enzymes HIV, coloured yellow, attacking a T cell WIKIMEDIA COMMONS boasted the disrupted versions of the truly be the ultimate editors? Only gene. Unfortunately the provision of an option for many people who are likely to attack the donor cells. reappeared in Brown, delivering time ­– and a lot of research – will tell. donor bone-marrow stem cells is not infected with HIV, as the body is very Unfortunately the HIV soon a sobering blow to the research DOI: 10.1038/nature.2014.14813 Debate over PLoS data-publishing demands

of that. PLoS hope that sharing of questions in the future” using the Christopher Yates data will encourage collaborations archived data. Science Writer and make it easier for old data to be However, not everyone has greeted obtained by relieving the burden on the news so happily. Many authors the scientists. They also believe it are concerned about the size of the he Public Library of Science, will permit validation and replication data, which PLoS states must be the open access publisher of of results by third parties, as well supplied in its raw form before any the largest scientific journal as merging of data-sets to give new processing. The raw data produced in the world, PLoS One, has insights, which would not have when sequencing a human genome announced that from the been possible with only summary can easily be over 300 GB, meaning T3rd of March, authors of an article in data. Advocates of open access have authors could have to make terabytes any of their seven journals must make praised the policy, with Dan Gezelter of data available. Exactly how this all data related to the manuscript of OpenScience.org stating that the will be achieved is not clear, but the publicly available immediately upon policy makes PLoS “a much more problem will also apply to many other publication. attractive place to send our next fields handling large volumes of data. the same data to produce multiple in labs with less funding, meaning While many have welcomed this p a p e r ”. Others are also concerned about papers, each investigating the data in releasing their data could decrease policy, others are concerned that it In many fields, such as genomics, data privacy. Some data may also not a different way. By making the data the amount of mileage they are able to could be difficult to implement and submission of data to online be released ethically, such as data publicly available after publishing a get from a data set, impacting future dissuade people from publishing in repositories is already commonplace. relating to individual patients, or single paper, other groups will be able funding opportunities. PLoS journals. Ian Dworkin, a geneticist at Michigan legally, if obtained from a third party. to use it, potentially being ‘scooped’ to This new policy is a brave step Open access to results has been a State University, has benefitted in the In these cases, PLoS requires the data an interesting finding. Writing on her along the path to open science, and driving force behind the development past from data sharing and believes to be available upon request, but not blog, neuroscientist Erin McKiernan only time will tell how it impacts and growth of PLoS, and the new open the policy will allow other scientists necessarily made public. describes how in many cases, “data PLoS journals, authors, and the wider data policy is a natural continuation to “address interesting and novel In addition, many groups use acquired are like gold”, particularly scientific community. FRIDAY 07 MAR 9 COMMENT Debate: This House Values Security over Individual Privacy

Niall Jeffrey Anita Chandran Columnist YES Columnist NO t is ominously simple for people so The fact that the NSA is able to automati- hen bodies such as the on an ethnic basis. For example, consider the not far from danger to forget the value of cally discover this information prevents serious NSA are given unrestricted insignificant number of ‘suspected people’ who their own security. When the details breaches of human rights by more aggressive access to personal data, are put on government no-fly lists for no appar- of the recent joint US/UK surveillance means. The public hunger to hunt suspects di- they are open to be being ent reason. These people are from a selection of operations emerged, our value assessment rectly in the wake of terrorist attacks, invariably abused. Large numbers ‘danger groups.’ This is a direct consequence of Iof the governments’ work was skewed due to leads to entities, like the CIA, forcefully follow- ofW people are allowed top level clearance the way in which automated surveillance works our privileged positions of safety. ing up unsubstantiated claims. A government to NSA data within the United States. It is (i.e. by considering certain permutations of agency preventing attacks and dealing with difficult, therefore, to keep control over this characteristics which would suggest a person events with the most amount of knowledge has information. See Edward Snowden, a private is ‘suspicious.’) However, the harm posed to an the greatest chance of not making mistakes. contractor whose clearance level allowed individual when they feel that the state is some- The right to privacy itself is a goal that can him to access secret data. Although Edward how aligned against them is significant. It is a Although very relatively fewer only be achieved by a person who has already Snowden’s motives were not blackmail or use huge inconvenience to be practically restricted secured their right to life. Privacy is useless for of information to destroy individuals within the but it is also a deeply distressing occurrence to people“ are victims of terrorist those who are not alive to benefit. state, it is not possible to eliminate the idea that be vilified for your ethnicity. When people weigh up the pros and cons of this could happen in a system where security is attacks than use Facebook, government surveillance, they do not picture valued over an individual’s privacy. themselves as the targets of potential terror- Furthermore, governments themselves are in the harm to those victims of ist attacks. The disconnect between media re- a position to misuse information for their own porting of bombings or hijackings and our own ends. That’s not to say that states all abuse their However, the harm posed to an unprevented terrorist attacks personal reality means people do not seriously power, but it’s possible that individual govern- “ picture themselves as future victims. The idea ments use information to maintain their politi- individual when they feel that are far greater. of our personal Facebook data being analysed cal advantage. Scandals such as Watergate (in feels much more real than the surreal pictures which the Nixon administration committed the state is somehow aligned on television. So when people choose between were involved in a plethora of illegal activities privacy and security they often think privacy is against his opposition to further themselves po- against them is significant. The occupation of the NSA and ”GCHQ is more important. litically) are good examples of where this sort of saving lives and preventing attacks on inno- This is selfish. Although very relatively fewer manipulation has occurred. This sort of abuse cent people. It is possible, using information people are victims of terrorist attacks than use poses enormous harms to people living within searched for from Facebook and Twitter, for the Facebook, the harm to those victims of unpre- the state system. It opens them up to mistreat- organisations to automatically flag-up any po- vented terrorist attacks are far greater. ment that they are powerless to stop from the While it is true that some people are willing tential threat before it happens. It is true that you will probably not be a hurt state which is constructed to protect them. to accept the government surveillance, the po- Any irregularity in typical online activity can by attacks directly or indirectly, but that does It is highly unlikely that government manipu- tential harms of unrestricted prioritisation” of be the first indicators of future danger. Follow- not mean someone else won’t be. When you lation of this nature does occur en masse. So, security prove detrimental to a large number of ing up mobile-phone clusters in a distinguishing say that you want data to remain private, it is why is it important that we value individual pri- people. Furthermore, the efficiency of such sur- region or newly created friend groups that do because you probably will never see the many vacy over national security? It is for a manner of veillance should be questioned. Terrorist links not fit with the geography are all irreplaceable benefits that can be gained from good, reli- reasons that are more likely, that produce differ- are nigh on impossible to spot with inefficient tools. Once a potential threat is discerned, more able intelligence to the government. If you deny ent sorts of direct harms to individuals. mass scanning of data. At the point at which the information can then be gathered. No other the ability of security services to target poten- Take the example of profiling in the search for system is so open to abuse, and is so easily to the methods of terrorism detection or prevention tial threats, you are increasing the chance that threats to national security. Mass electronic sur- detriment of those within the state, it is impossi- are effective on an international scale. someone, somewhere will lose their life. veillance is often used to single out individuals ble to prioritise security over individual privacy.

vr-zone.net wired.com 10 FRIDAY 07 MAR

Editors: Eoghan J. Totten, Tessa Davey COMMENT [email protected] Berlin: A Night Life Review felt like I was at home). AND you can Jonny Mitigation get a Larry David sandwich: white Anonymous fish, sabel, capers, onions, and cream cheese. It was as if I got killed in a eople are always on the drive-by Biggie-style, went to heaven hunt for a place to party, a Fat Boy Slim-style and back. place to have a blast, for it As we prep to leave ‘Lerchen und to be a hoot. Maybe, if luck Eulen’ for Tresor, I acquaint a striking will have it, you manage 18 year old brunette who, thanks Pto make love sideways to the rhythm to the ensuing conversation and of Mandy and Stella Artoorhys in ample amounts of bisexual tension, Dalston or Metric. But sadly, London became vigorously passionate. The can be a bit of a ‘les incompetents’ in culmination of the said interaction this department. It can fail to deliver was as per usual with me: a humble the goods. exchange of business cards. Her name We want a sustained but simple per- is Sabrina and she sells shower curtain formance: great music, cheap drinks rings by day. Catch of the day. that don’t cost an arm and a trip to Finally, we made it to Tresor. On A&E, and above all: ‘livid gash’ as my the way, I managed to violate some Australian-Berliner acquaintance puts subsections of my parole agreement, it. We wanna vibe and be vibed – it’s a because after all, I act like a cop, I look dog eat dog world out there. like a cop, heck, I must be a cop! Oh I People also tell me that what I just nearly forgot: we also met Ben Klock theloftberlin.com outlined is delivered by Berlin in a in McDonald’s beforehand: a resident night and leave Monday morning just ‘hosto’, we were ready to repeat the converted leisure centre, with raves competent manner. So I, Jonny Miti- techno god who said we would get in time for work (did somebody say experience, but different venues. And inside the pool, industrial Bauhaus gation and Charles Rotknap, a dear into Berghain, bare easy. Easy does it. Mandy?). we had ample of choice: we went infrastructure, heating rooms etc. raver of mine, set sail ‘nach Berlin’ one It’s electric – but we need to amp for ‘Mein Haus am See’. This bar is This is heavenly – Berlin Boiler Room fateful January night. One Terravision the wattage. Charles befriends a fellow like no others: it proudly displays a broadcasts from there. Needless to bus to Stansted, one ‘Ryan F*****g A’ raver: so smooth, so Berlin-esque of sign: ‘Hippies are welcome’. You see, say, this was a night equally splendid flight; we cheekily fondled Berlin. If him. Turns out to our no-surprise, Berlin can have a darker side: with to Tresor, minus that great feeling of my memory serves me right,it was a the fellow has 10 euro Mandy. Yes, the recent budding of the Hipster loosing your Berlin virginity we had Friday morning that we arrived in the please. The judgment might be cloudy, culture mixed with remnants of the yesterday. My Dad says that what vicinity of Kreuzberg, Berlin. the price very low, but we take the Beatnik movement, it can be a bit you do first, is usually most beautiful. skeptical plunge. 40 more minutes xenophobic. The sign basically says: Tongue in cheek at worst, true at best. of dancing and it hits. And oh my, it ‘oi haters, keep accepting that money 10am and we make it to Berghain. hits. The warm fuzzy feeling of loving tourism brings to you, but order these It is something you have to do but everyone and everything envelops us, hipsters around into a confined space there can be no slip-ups. Notoriously suffocating our inhibitions. We dance so they don’t ‘bother’ you anymore’. amazing, secretive and sexual, it Vilifying any group of people for any is a sight: old Stasi prison 10 or so reason is dangerous and abhorrent: floors high that became the world’s treat everyone as an individual. Is it greatest techno club. Just a testament not what ‘hipsterism’ kinda espouses to hedonism. I will leave it to the you might say? Ha, I wish but let’s be imagination of the readers as to what honest: they are all just facsimiles of happened there. One word of advice: each other, fancying Echo Park to be a know your exits and entries. desert island is crazy talk. Coming back in early hours of Having settled ourselves into I am putting brakes on my belief morning was fun: filming Jackass- a drengy yet surprisingly comfy in ‘radical individualism’ akin to Ayn esque challenges whilst downing ‘hosto’, we hit the sights. We’re No more dilly-dallying, time to talk manically, clenching our jaws, and Rand, so let’s talk venue. It’s brilliant, kebabs after kebabs. I will never forget jonesing through the usuals, ever Tresor. Where do I start: maybe with filming it with a GoPro – we are like less personal and more commercial, that morning and the breakfast we had so gentile Bundestag (why the the fact that it is a pioneer of the post- that maniac from Flashdance, that but still with style and grace. On a in our ‘hosto’. We slept for a day and haze do you have massive queues 89 Berlin scene set in an industrial steel town girl, who danced her heart persy note, I still prefer ‘Lerchen und a half. manned by sporadic ticket office power station, or that we got a 50% out and danced herself into that place Eulen’ – it simply is unmatched. It’s To spare the agony of making this men?), art exhibitions (where East discount for looking berlin-ish? Here’s in dancing school. Sure, we tumble a a place that on our very last night article into a tractate, I shall quickly meets West), historic squats (f*** a top tip: whilst waiting, don’t speak few times like she did – but that does before the flight in the morning, whirl through the rest of events. That Greenpeace for wrecking the vibe), English, don’t talk to people, wear not deter us. We are Maniacs. If even Tuesday 2am stays open upon asking week, we got to see Kater Holzig out massive statutes of Soviet liberators all black, have piercings, maybe a just for tonight. the bartender who serves us superb on a final night, meet zestful divorcees (I have a selfie where I promptly tattoo, hide being lashed well IF you Next phase enters after replenishing cocktails, talks, shares cigarettes and in Berliner Philharmonic, nip into flip them off) and rounding off the hope to get in. Oh, and best have a our dehydrated bodies: chinning the ‘alcohol knowledge’ (FYI, it is a 24/7 Poznan, Poland for a friend’s house afternoon with a generous helping hot girl with you, then it should be no wag. Discussing Kierkegaard with place but closes when no customers party, vandalise the Berlin Wall with of Curry Wurst. problem. And try to look older, at least Carlotta was an experience, talking are there). ironic/iconic Instagrams, see medical Enough with this hedonistic late 20s. I know, I hate pseudo-rules as to Nina about Isaiah Berlin (what a Time flies, and we get on the history museum with headless babies, chauvinism, I say: no more much as the next guy. But hey, this is coincidence!) was revolutionary. Mr move towards Stattbad, our night’s get student discounts in Benihana and distractions to the storyline. That Berlin, so no much choice – this is a Rotknap was a hit too although he destination. On the way, we manage other unreal malarkey. very evening, we proceed to get calculated loss because what awaits chose to talk techno, making industry to get lost in a pharmaceutical So what is the moral of this story? lashed on Jager and Juice and inside is divine and an anti-thesis to contacts – by that stage he was more factory of Bayer (this is thanks to our Well, Berlin is quite amazing, the hit ‘Lerchen und Eulen’. This is the outside’s excesses. The inside of aware than me of where we were, who inebriation, not the ‘basically-free’ best city to be young. And it gets a ‘F*** ME KINDA SIDEWAYS’ Tresor is spectacular: multiple levels, we were. Actually who were we? 24/7 Berlin tube system). We never even better in summer: all we did in establishment that serves the best famous foggy dark tunnels, booming God knows. We coasted like this till waste an opportunity: we use it to a week is scratch the surface. Here Moscow Mules and splendid Swiss German techno, studded enclaves 8am, savouring every second, hitting espouse our love for Professor Nutt, is what we’re gonna do: if this article cigarettes to be enjoyed indoors with fascinating people – everything an after-party. It was glorious, when calling him affectionately: ‘Hazey appealed to you and wanna join me, (Parisienne). All for a measly few lit in dim red lights. We get drinks – the dust settled, to be able to tuck Davo’, ‘Queasy Davo’ or ‘Sun, Sex and Jonny Mitigation, Charles Rotknap Euros. The vibe of the place is Mate it Gin – the best mixer possible. into a Kebab so tasty, I would give it Suspicious Davo’ to name a few. No and DJ Principal Goodvibes (another mesmerizing, Berliners friendly We light up. We close our eyes. We a Michelin star on the spot. Go for one is confused. dear raver of mine) for a July in Berlin, as ever sporting phenomenally dance. It is a trance to be repeated. Durum rather than Doner: wrap is After a while, we make it to Stattbad: drop us an email at whydontyoufind crafted ‘Mutze’s (including myself, So much so, that the most dedicated easier to tackle than a bap. this is a club like no other (seems friendsonbeboorfriendster@ minus the Berliner part, but hey, I members enter Tresor on Friday Nap and shower later in the like a pattern with Berlin). A 50s gmail.com FRIDAY 07 MAR 11

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FelixImperial COMMENT Manifesto: Place in Marxist Thought

categories 2), 3) and 4) all relate in historical situation was not yet ready. when striking over working ‘person to compete with’ to ‘women various degrees to both the Marxist Gramsci, however, has perhaps the conditions. Much of the early Marxist to compete with’ is both the locus of Christy Kelly theory of politics and ideology, best political sense of any Marxist discussion of the national question sexism and irreducible to class rivalry. Writer though I believe it is important to thinker, with a theory of hegemony suffers from the then ubiquitous Similarly, feminism was for a long time distinguish the two. My final brief not unlike Foucault’s discussion of error in taking nations to be as old as a middle-class phenomenon; certainly, comment about these more general power. The precise mechanism for this time immemorial (nations in general the ‘women’ Mary Wollstonecraft criticisms is that, though the central struggle for hegemony, however, has I not particular nations like Germany speaks of are unmistakably bourgeois problem for Marxist thinkers today is believe been best formulated by post- or Italy which were clearly recent women, though this has been largely o round up my three weeks the nature of a political subject, that is, Marxist thinkers Ernesto Laclau and inventions). Serious scholarship remedied by the theorists from de of commentary on the a problematic of politics and ideology, Chantal Mouffe in their brilliant book on nations did not come until the Beauvoir on. Things were largely the Manifesto, I shall try and the ultimate problem for Marxism has Hegemony and Socialist Strategy flurry of books in Britain in the 80s, same elsewhere in Europe and in the place it in Marxist thought. I and always will be whether or not it is looking at the way discursive fields the best being Benedict Anderson’s US though Howard Zinn does tell a was originally going to write teleological. become ‘overdetermined’ by certain book Imagined Communities and the rather touching story of a meeting Ta short critique of Marxist thought but 1) The Theory of Politics. hegemonic interpretations of words collection edited by Eric Hobsbawm between Eugene Debs and Susan it quickly grew to an unreadable length Ultimately, there is no theory of and phrases. and Terrence Ranger The Invention Anthony. The relationship between and so I have settled for this slightly politics in Marx. Certainly, the vague 2) The National Question. of Tradition. By then, of course, the Marxism and feminism has always less ambitious task. Thus this text is practical recommendations in the In the Manifesto the role of writers had lived through the curious been complicated, and will probably half criticism, half recommendations Manifesto at best suggest that people nationalism in politics had a somewhat hybrid of nationalist pan-Africanism continue to be so. for further reading. Before I start on should be pragmatic and analyze the summary treatment. The Manifesto during the end of official Imperialism 4) The Role of Class. Class the meat of the discussion I should concrete historical situation. While itself is staunchly internationalist, in the 60s. That this seeming paradox is a surprisingly complex concept say that in 1848 Marx had begun but in the 1872 preface Marx and Engels though it quite unconsciously accepts was possible was very suggestive for in Marx’s work as Lukàc’s History by no means finished his study of and Class Consciousness shows. political economy and so we should The formula oft repeated by vulgar not place too much emphasis on the Marxists and their more vulgar relative lack of ‘economic essentialism’ critics that kicks of the analysis in the in the Manifesto; the outline of history Manifesto, ‘The history of all hitherto in the preface of the Contribution existing societies is the history of class was substantially the same as in the struggle’, is I would suggest, by no Manifesto, but the economic claims means as determinist as many people were stronger. say, though there is not space to argue There is still, though, a this here. Much has been made, rather crude and mechanical account recently, about the disappearance of of the development of ideas, in the class, though if this is true it is a purely Manifesto: ‘The ruling ideas of each western phenomenon and there is age have ever been the ideas of the much reason to doubt that this is true ruling class.’ Taken literally, this means even in the west. There is a very sad that Communism will only become truth to Warren Buffets words, ‘there a ruling idea when the proletarians is class warfare, and it is my class, the have taken power, or worse, that rich, that is winning.’ Certainly with it is already only a bourgeois idea. international inequality decreasing Marx does make room for immanent and overall inequality increasing talks criticism, ‘when people speak of ideas of the end of class society seem a little that revolutionise society, they do previous. but express the fact, that within the On the other hand, some recent old society, the elements of the new analyses have also led to a proliferation one have been created.’ However of new classes, the precariat, the there is no denying that what we consumertariat etc. These discussions might call the theory of ideology in are basically idiotic, or even cynically the Manifesto remains in the domain disposed along the lines of divide and ‘vulgar Marxism’. In their defence, it conquer, but they contain a core of should be added that Marxists have a truth which all the successful Marxist virtual monopoly on the sophisticated revolutionaries (Mao, Lenin, Ho Chi discussions of ideology. Minh, Castro etc.,) picked up on. A full discussion of ideology The truth is, in brief, the declining is quite impossible here, so I will leave demographic role of the industrial it at the somewhat unsatisfactory proletariat and the persistent refusal comments above and move onto of society to polarize itself into the

the main practical criticisms of the taringa.net two great camps as per the dictates of Manifesto. Put briefly, these criticisms the Manifesto. are about the theory of politics, the have realized that simply seizing the nation as the basic unit of political nationalist phenomenon. On the whole recent left wing ‘national question’, the role of women capitalist modes of production is not organization. Similarly, in Marx’s day, 3) The Role of Women. critiques have not abandoned class and the role of class. enough, and while in the Critique of there was probably little thought that Here the issue is in many ways the analysis, but they have stopped thinking These four categories, I believe, the Gotha program Marx uses the there could be any hostility between other way round to the previous in terms of proletariat/bourgeoisie can all be subsumed under three rather enigmatic phrase ‘dictatorship national movements and socialist points. While the Manifesto, because and the new elect revolutionary class more general criticisms of Marxism of the proletariat’ there is still no movements; though Garibaldi was of Engels, had a really rather feminist is the lumpenproletariat of old; Negri in general, though I will not discuss real theory of politics. Lenin gets a somewhat dubious socialist, the position for its day, Marxism has and Hardt’s ‘rhizomatic multitudes’; these extensively here: the criticism somewhat closer, in a practical sense Fenians were considered kosher and traditionally been somewhat hostile the billion new slum dwellers, the of Marxist teleology, politics and once with the creation of vanguard parties, had close links with Engels. It was to feminist movements. Women, of unemployed and those subsisting on again ideology. It can be seen that and in a more profound sense with really only with WWI that there course, were a large ‘standing army’ of the informal economy – essentially the there is some overlap; for instance, what might be called a theory of was any conscious discussion of the workers to be exploited driving wages demographic base of the progressives the theory of politics in the Manifesto action, which Rosa Luxembourg antagonism between socialist and down and so typical intra-class rivalry in Latin America. Goran Therborn relates to the overall Marxist discourse spells out best in her criticism of nationalist ends, though Benedict no doubt played a part in this hostility has written a perspicacious summary on politics, as well as the reality of the Mensheviks refusal to revolt on Anderson rightly points out that the of the working classes to women, for New Left Review. I direct those socialist political praxis. Similarly, the grounds that Russia’s objective Welsh miners did not feel unpatriotic though the transposition from interested there. 12 FRIDAY 07 MAR

Editors: Eoghan J. Totten, Tessa Davey COMMENT [email protected]

This week’s lolcats from the Hangman’s week as RON ever so secret Guest editorial lolcat editor. Monday I woke up to loads of texts about the Union elections. Much cat, many Apparently everyone thinks I’m that obnoxious guy who word, such laugh, puts himself down for all of the positions as some sort of cate. cry for help. Hermione told me that if I’m not good enough for her then there’s no way I’m good enough to win any of these positions.

Tuesday As an (unwilling) election candidate, I thought it would be a good idea to bring some diversity to Imperial College Union. That quad out front of the bar would be just the right size for an old wooden ship.

Wednesday I made some posters for my campaign, which I put up in all of the college toilets. Unfortunately, the returning officer and the police didn’t appreciate my award winning work in the porn industry, and I was expelled from college.

Thursday I came to the conclusion that the union is illegitimate, and THIS BROUGHT that like all forms of government it should be abolished. Everyone thinks I’m an idiot, apart from all the people who WEEK WAS TO YOU BY donate bitcoin to my campaign. I stand in every election until the end of recorded time, and never get any votes. Felix, Beit Quad, Prince Consort Road, London SW7 2BB. Email: [email protected]. Tel: 020 7594 8072. Fax: 020 7594 8065. Printed by Iliffe Print Cambridge, Winship Road, Cambridge. Friday Registered newspaper ISSN 1040-0711. Copyright © Felix 2014. Today I tried to get some postgrads to vote for me by hanging out in H Bar. However, everyone just assumed Editor-in-Chief Joe Letts News Editors Nida Mahmud, Aamna Mohdin, Aemun Reza, Maciej Matuszewski Features Editor from the décor and the food that it was my latest fast food Shiladitya Ghosh Wellbeing Editor Marissa Lewis Business Editor James Tsim Science Editors Philippa Skett, Keir Little, Fiona restaurant. And then someone told me that my bright Hartley Politics Editor Kartikeya Rana, Jash Rughani Food Editors Carol Ann Cheah, Michael Chung Comment Editors Eoghan J. Totten, Tessa Davey Arts Editor Arianna Sorba Fashion Editor Cécile Borkhataria Books Editors Maciej Matuszewski, Eva red curly hair and clown suit were putting them off their Rosenthal Music Editors Simon Hunter, Riaz Agahi, Stuart Masson Television Editors John Park, Emily Fulham Film Editor John burger. Twat. Park Games Editors Maximilian Eggl, Calum Skene Technology Editors Maximilian Eggl, Yong Wen Chua, Osama Arawa, Clubs & Socs Editor Nida Mahmud Charity Editor Ben Fernando Travel Editor Chris Richardson Sports Editor Kunal Wagle Online Editors Philip Kent, Annina Sartor, Stephen Ball Puzzles Commanders Kingshuk Dasadhikari, Oliver Price Copycats Stephen Ball and Annina Sartor Copykittens Mattin Mir-Tahmasebi, Carol Ann Cheah, Xiao Zhang, Alex Hamilton, Tom Rivlin. Special thanks to: Kunal Wagle, Alex Hamilton and Tessa Davey, amongst others who put in a lot of extra effort in order to get this bumper-sized 64 page issue out this week. FRIDAY 07 MAR 13

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FelixImperial ARTS

POETRY CORNER Is all art propaganda?

Eye Sun by Eamonn Postlethwaite

My mistress’ eyes are the sun, and having gazed longing to them, I find my retinas scarred. I am blind to any other beauty.

Her freckles are hotbright pinpricks and stars, though they themselves cannot pierce my murky gaze. Instead they callous my fingertips as my eyes, Pablo Picasso, Guernica, 1937 when I trace my love upon her back. enough people needed for truly artwork lies in the hands of the viewer. effective propaganda. The piece has Indeed, the work of the abstract gone on to become a potent symbol expressionists including Jackson After her, my charred body of the destruction of war on the lives Pollock and Mark Rothko was adopted does naught but fill my nose with smoke. Indira Mallik of innocent civilians. In many aspects, as propaganda during the Cold War. After her, the harsh crackling of flesh Writer it is easy to fit Guernica neatly into In 1995, The Independent reported the box of ‘art’ despite its political that the CIA had confirmed that is sound. undertones. Other art pieces are more it had secretly funded the abstract rt should comfort the overtly propaganda. expressionists as a foil to the rigid Now my thoughts rebel against me, unafraid. disturbed and disturb Take for example Rima Najdi, a socialist realism of Soviet art, as a the comfortable. It’s an multidisciplinary Lebanese artist symbol of American freedom and Their pressure shrinks me, and what remains instantly quotable adage based in Germany, who has taken to creativity. is butter spread too thin. Pop culture from Banksy, but what walking the streets of Beirut dressed To address the question whether any doesA it actually mean? Can a line be as a bomb. All in black except for a attempt should be made to separate art as glue while I tear at the seams. drawn between outright political fake red dynamite suicide vest, Najdi from propaganda, we turn to Orwell propaganda and the canvases hanging hopes to highlight the danger the when he writes in context of World When my sun goes supernova in every hip gallery in London? Or citizens of Beirut face every day, and War II in his 1949 essay The Frontiers nothing will change for me. is all art propaganda, as the title of the real fear they have of dying just of Art and Propaganda, “you cannot George Orwell’s collection of critical stepping out of their homes. The idea take a purely aesthetic interest in a My senses fled this sorry corpse, for without light essays claims? Visual media has the for the installation piece came as a disease you are dying from”. Speaking nothing grows. unique ability to reach the masses and result of being a close to one of the about the way art was so endemically influence thought and perception. car bombs that hit downtown Beirut, joined with war propaganda – take Does linking this to political ideology and the predominantly Shia area of for instance Rosie the Riveter who threaten the integrity of the artist Dahiyeh, where Hezbollah has a strong has since become an icon of the Fancy yourself a poet? Got an artwork you’d like to share? Made a nice and the artwork itself, or is the art presence. Though without a doubt women’s war effort in the US, Orwell origami? Send submissions to [email protected] to showcase informed and heightened by this social food for thought, can Najdi’s work be writes “[propaganda art] destroyed your work in Felix. and political context? considered true art? the illusion of pure aestheticism… Propaganda and art have always Jackson Pollock would’ve thought propaganda in some form or other been closely interlinked. War, in not; abstract expressionism, the 20th lurks in every work of art, [each] has particular often blurs the lines between century movement of which Pollock a meaning and a purpose — a political, art and propaganda. Dating back to was a major figure, was based on social and religious purpose”. classical times, battle and its Generals the ideal that art should be wholly It seems art cannot exist outside of have been glorified through art, calling separated from ideology. Artists in the social and political context of its men to arms. In modern times, as the the movement considered art to be time. Emphasising form over substance public consciousness has turned away of a higher form, that should be kept not only opens the artwork up to the from war, art has similarly reflected the pure, and that the images or structures danger of being too academic for the turning tide of anti-war sentiment. should flow from within the artist masses to enjoy, but often proves futile. A striking example is Picasso’s without seeking to influence or impart Orwell goes on to write “our aesthetic Guernica; a visceral 11x25.6 ft canvas any sort of social or political context. It judgements are always coloured by our depicting the horrors of war, and the was the idea of ‘art for art’s sake’, pure prejudices and beliefs.” Thus even the misery that followed the Nazi bombing aestheticism. most innocuous abstract piece may of the Spanish town of Guernica But even pure aestheticism cannot become a political statement in the during the Spanish Civil War. It has be safe from becoming propaganda; mind of a particular viewer. gained fame for its bold political ultimately the power to judge an statement, made stronger by its lack of colour; it’s blue, black and white tones reminiscent more of newsprint and photographic documentation of the time than of Picasso’s usual style. Though Picasso himself always considered Guernica deeply political, condemning violence, at the time of its unveiling in Paris it received little critical attention. In this respect it could be said to have failed in its role as propaganda, never receiving national gallery of australiA enough critical acclaim or seen by Jackson Pollock, Number 11, 1952 14 FRIDAY 07 MAR

Editor: Arianna Sorba ARTS [email protected] Tiny Tate display still packs a punch photography seriously from age 26, present, they seem unaware of the Rhian Jones in 1941. Rejecting the prevailing camera and Callahan is careful to Writer trend for documentation of current preserve their anonymity. Men gather events, Callahan preferred to draw on a street corner in the uniforms of upon his everyday surroundings 50s Chicago, grey suits, their faces What: Harry Callahan Display in Detroit and Chicago for subject obscured beneath hat brims. Where: Tate Modern, SE1 matter. His modern style earned The same sobriety pervades When: Until 31st May him a teaching position at Chicago’s Callahan’s natural landscapes – in Price: FREE Institute of Design and later the Rhode Detroit, 1941 a telegraph pole stands Island School of Design, culminating solitary in a field. Callahan’s eye for in a retrospective at the Museum minutiae is evident in some of his close- he Tate Modern opens its of Modern Art (MoMA) in 1976. range shots of buildings or landscapes, Harry Callahan display with a However, whilst critically acclaimed leading to a deconstruction of the quote from the photographer: in the States, Callahan’s name is little- subject’s form and lending his images “if a man wishes to express known outside of art circles in the UK. a mischievous abstract quality. His himself photographically, he Tate Modern’s exhibit aims to bring his close-ups of windswept Georgia Tmust understand… his relationship to work this side of the pond. Mountain grasses could be mistaken life”. Indeed, one of the most moving The display spans Callahan’s work for a dog’s coat, his cropped snapshots aspects of this display is Callahan’s from post-war black and white shots of New York skyscrapers equally reverence for the beauty present in of Chicago to his colour images cryptic. Callahan’s use of multiple film Harry Callahan, Providence, 1966 © Estate of Harry Callahan everyday life. A Chicago Street, a carpet of the seventies. Callahan’s early exposure, allowing for superposition of autumn leaves; the photographer’s urban images are testimony to his of images, creates some pictures that can be heavily felt in different aspects overstates the importance of Harry subjects are unremarkable, yet his photographic craftsmanship, and verge on the surreal; a nude female of his work. She appears nude in an Callahan as “one of the most influential images are endowed with a humble ability to capture the mood of 1950s floats eerily on the side of a skyscraper apartment, then fully clothed against figures in post-war photography”, and beauty. Chicago. His crisp silver gelatin prints in Providence-Nude on Building, 1970. bleak winter landscapes, at distant this small display only provides a taster Considered to be one of the pioneers lend themselves well to the clean lines The display divides Callahan’s work or close range. In Eleanor, 1949 she of his work (around 90 photographs). of 20th century American photography of the buildings in his photographs, according to three main themes: emerges nymph-like from a lake, a Nonetheless, this retrospective – and the New Vision Movement, and complement his interest in form. nature, buildings and people. However, nipple peeking from the glassy water. intimate, succinct and neatly curated – Callahan was self-taught. He began These urban images have a sombre it is arguable that the only person really We are presented with close-up shots is a photographic masterclass that is in taking pictures with Chrysler Motor’s beauty. Shadow dominates his present in the images here is Callahan’s of portions of Eleanor’s body, and danger of being overlooked. So when Photo Club during his time as a clerk photographs (the dense darkness wife Eleanor, who compliantly posed using multiple exposure, Eleanor’s you head to the Tate Modern to see the with the company in Detroit, and was of Wabash Street, 1958 is almost for him “rain or shine, whatever (she) naked torso shimmers in front of the heavily publicised Paul Klee or Richard inspired by the work of landscape tangible) and many cityscapes are was doing” throughout the 63 years landscape in Aix-en-Provence, 1958. Hamilton exhibitions, make sure that photographer Ansel Adams to pursue deserted. Where pedestrians are of their marriage. Eleanor’s presence It has been suggested that Tate you drop by. Witty, irreverent, political collages White Cloud (1916) uses fragments of on colonialism and exoticism, Jingjie Cheng printed designs. questioning traditional boundaries Writer The ground floor of the exhibition of race and culture. She sums up her follows the works of her Dada, or ‘anti- purposes best in her own words in the art period. Hoch often expressed her catalogue of her first solo exhibition What: Hannah Hoch Dadaist appeal to irrational and chance at The Hague in 1929 – “I would Where: Whitechapel Gallery, E1 humour through collages that subvert like to blur the firm borders that we When: Until 23rd March institutions. Perhaps influenced by human beings, cocksure as we are, are Price: £9,95, £7.95 concessions the cubist works of her time, Hoch’s inclined to erect around everything works are often disproportionate and that is accessible to us...I want to show contain conflicting perspectives.High that the small can be large, and large n Heads of State (1920), two Finance (1923) depicts two large- small, it is just the standpoint from portly figures are pictured in their headed men in suits tangled up with which we judge that changes, and bathing suits before a feminine a huge gun and military equipment – every concept loses its validity.” backdrop of butterflies, flowers a sharp criticism of military-industry The exhibition extends to two and a woman with a parasol. collusion in the republic. I found her galleries upstairs, one of which shows IOne figure is the first president of the collages extraordinarily refreshing for her massive scrapbooking project Weimar republic, Friedrich Ebert, and their blatant irreverence. Album, created during Nazi rule the other, his defence minister. In her words, her photomontages when, in danger of persecution, she

It is such comical and emasculating COLLECTION OF IFA, STUTTGART “cannibalise the images of popular avoided public life and lived quietly in juxtapositions that make Hannah Hannah Hoch, Heads of State, 1918-20 culture to satirise not only political the Berlin suburbs. The other gallery Hoch’s collages so subversive and figures but also gender inequality displays Hoch’s post-war works, entertaining. A pioneer of the Although it is greatly disappointing show puts this woman in the well- and sexual stereotypes”. Indeed, which took a turn from her Dada past photomontage technique, Hoch draws that her arguably most famous deserved spotlight. her important series From an and looked to nature for inspiration, from journals and magazines to put work, and icon of the Berlin Dada Hoch had studied at the School Ethnographic Museum challenges becoming increasingly abstract and vastly disparate elements together, movement, Cut with the Kitchen Knife of Applied Art in Berlin before conventional concepts of beauty by colourful. It is almost as if her works creating whimsical, counterintuitive through the Last Weimar Beer-Belly working at the well-known Ullstein juxtaposing mainly female body parts reflected the liberation she felt after and sometimes irreverent pieces that Cultural Epoch in Germany (1920) is publishing house. Her early works with ethnographic objects. Said to the war, free from Nazi rule. comment on the political and social not on show, as the fragile original sits saw a confluence of her background in have been inspired by a visit to such However, for me, Hoch will always changes of the turbulent period in delicately in the Neue Nationalgalerie functional art and aesthetics itself, as a place, the works in this series are at be remembered by her bold and post-World War I Germany. A key of Berlin, this exhibition is nevertheless she drew inspiration from embroidery once bestial and strangely beautiful, as unapologetic political and social contributor to the Berlin Dadaist important in shedding light on her to create two-dimensional art we acknowledge that there is aesthetic commentary of her Dada period. It movement but slighted by the contributions to 20th century collage, reminiscent of tessellation. These value in bringing different things is her matter-of-fact laying out of her other mainly male members, Hoch as well as to the politically charged early works reflect interplay between together – an idea that went against uncensored opinions that give her nevertheless left her mark as a witty, body of art of the time. Being the first patterns and human figures, often not only the prevailing idea of beauty collages an irreverent charm which original artist who somehow managed major exhibition of her works in the nudes, with the geometric blending but more broadly, the totalising tickles the surface, but at the same to combine images into coherent UK, with more than a hundred pieces into the organic. Already we can ideologies of National Socialism. time, excavates important issues and wholes that tell stories of their own. spanning from 1910s to 1970s, the detect an interest in collage – the work These works may also be a comment places them starkly out in the open. Photo of the Week Xylem Extraction Credit: Nico Ortiz 16 FRIDAY 07 MAR

Editor: Simon Hunter, Riaz Agahi, Stuart MUSIC Masson [email protected]

Cloud Nothings - Here and Nowhere Else Wild Beasts - Present Tense

Fugazi than Best Coast, and the lo- Stuart Masson fi production completely absent, it Lee Sewell Music Editor was certainly a big switch up. It was Music Writer a switch up that changed them from t has been an unusual journey obscure also-rans into one of the rior to writing this review, for Dylan Baldi, the man most important bands in modern I stumbled upon a recent behind Cleveland based Cloud indie rock. Mixing the catchy hooks YouTube recording of Nothings. He was signed as with post-hardcore, grunge and a new Wild Beasts performing a one-man band and released found sense of disillusionment, it was a mellow and slightly Ihis first two albums, Turned On and one of the albums of 2012. Pmocking rendition of Miley Cyrus’ the self-titled Cloud Nothings, were Here and Nowhere Else is not a Wrecking Ball. I watched this video recorded as such. They were full of lo- massive direction change. Despite probably three or four times. This fi noise pop at its most frantic and fun, losing the extra guitarist, the sound was not just because I love Wrecking with catchy hooks oozing out of every remains pretty similar. There’s still idea of having one long track here, Ball (who doesn’t?), but because the song. They fitted seamlessly, although catchy hooks, there’s still strong the seven and a half minute Pattern vocal complementation between Wanderlust, the lead single of Present with little fanfare, into the lo-fi indie post-hardcore and grunge influences, Walks is a bit more traditionally front-men Hayden Thorpe and Tom Tense, Thorpe sings – “Don’t confuse scene of the time. It was The Pains there’s still a furious sense of urgency. positioned as the penultimate track. Fleming is so damn great. Anyway, it me with someone who gives a fuck”. of Being Pure at Heart running It might not be innovative, but it’s still It certainly doesn’t have the same goes without saying that Wild Beasts No fucks given here. late for a dentist appointment, Titus really fucking good. impact that Wasted Days did, but it’s are much better than Miley Cyrus, Present Tense itself follows on from Andronicus after a Disney film or Opening track, Now Here In, is an still pretty good. It follows a similar and their most recent offering, Present 2011’s Smother. To progress their Wavves if they’d never seen any real absolute beast that would have fitted pattern of catchy section followed Tense, may be their best. sound the band worked in absence waves. They were good, but they in perfectly on Attack on Memory. by instrumental section followed by For those of you unfamiliar with of their long-time producer Richard weren’t the most necessary of bands. Catchy riffs are matched with Dylan’s another catchy bit, but it’s just not at Wild Beats, they hail from humble Formby and sought out to collaborate In 2012, Cloud Nothings recorded laid back drawl, slowly building up to the same level. Kendal – home of those poignantly with producers more experienced Attack on Memory. It was the first an explosive solo and a big singalong The highlight here is Psychic disgusting mint cakes. As alluded in electronic modes. This electronic recorded with the live line-up and finale. Giving Into Seeing draws a lot Trauma. A slowed down first verse to previously, their style revolves component is a distinct difference was widely heralded at the time for from Sonic Youth, with repeated is pleasant enough, but it’s the around the vocal partnership of from previous albums, with a large being the dreaded “massive direction screams of “swallow” matched with sudden tempo change that makes Thorpe and Fleming; Thorpe’s tenor integration of synthesizers at the change”. As someone who was a big a haunting dissonant guitar that just it. Everything gets faster, louder and punches through intricate guitar expense of guitar-driven melodies. fan of their early stuff, I approached keeps rising. It’s absolutely brilliant. more intense. It doesn’t let up, it just riffs and brooding synth tones, with This serves to add further texture to it with a fairly closed mind. I was All bands should sound like Sonic keeps getting better. Fleming’s harmonies bridging the the core of most tracks, helping to expecting it to be shit, but I was so Youth. No Thoughts is Cloud Nothings Cloud Nothings seem to have space inbetween. The band started convey despair when needed, as in wrong. They may have abandoned at their most intense, whilst closer I’m settled on this sound, but that’s for the as a brilliantly flamboyant pop-rock Daughter, but also amplify beauty, their noise pop roots. Sounding more Not Part of Me features some of his best. As much as I enjoy the old stuff, outfit, and in succeeding albums have as in the track New Life. Personally, like At the Drive-In, Unwound and catchiest work allied with some of his this is better. Loads better. Attack on transformed to serious art-rockers. I’ve become pretty obsessed with best ever lyrics. Baldi’s always been Memory was one of the best indie rock Some of their critics, however, have Wanderlust, a track that somewhat a big fan of repeating a single line album of the last five years or so, and felt this has caused the fun to slowly epitomizes the changes brought in for and “I’m not telling you all I’m going this one’s definitely the best of this year bleed from Wild Beasts. I agree that this album. A dark punchy bass-line, through” is definitely one of his best so far. It’s perfect shout-along-at-a-gig perhaps they aren’t the most exciting an unrelentless drum loop, a choral- refrains. type stuff, but there’s a lot of musical live act, with some of my crueller esque flickering synth, an outro that The highlight of Attack on Memory substance if you want to dig deeper. friends calling them “Mild Beasts”, is as depressed as it is angry – it’s a was the nine minute long Wasted This is a highly rewarding listen, and but the music speaks for itself. Are powerful track. As with Smother, I Days. Bravely featuring second on the it comes with a high recommendation Radiohead fun? Are The xx fun? imagine most of the tracks will be album it remains an absolute tune. from me, if perhaps a slightly less high Is music even supposed to be fun? ‘growers’, competing for my affection They seem to have gone with a similar one than Attack on Memory... And perhaps the band agrees: in and attention.

this too was a new, global way of today. Whereas previously harmonies thinking about harmonies within the were characterised by the intervals Emiel’s Guide to context of others – a step on the way present between voices, Zarlino to our modern system of ‘ keys’. recognised in the music of Willaert One of Willaert’s pupils became the et al. a grouping of notes which acted Classical Music most influential theorist of the day. as a functional unit. Composers often The Italian,Gioseffo Zarlino, wrote used a particularly pleasant stacking Emiel de Lange widely on many aspects of music and of notes which included the usual Episode 8 - From North to South sought to characterise the Ars Perfecta perfect consonants (the 5th octave), exemplified in the music of his master but also the interval of a 3rd. We now Last week we discussed Josquin, who Willaerts had a particularly strong and his predecessors. In doing so know that this stacking corresponds is often known as the ‘Beethoven of influence on the future of music, and he formally recognised some of the to the harmonic series of frequencies the 16th Century, and in particular although his style is very similar to recent innovations and made them heard when a pitch is played but his work Ave Maria. For many Josquin’s – indeed when he went to known to composers throughout Zarlino attempted to justify it using generations, Josquin was regarded by Rome he found the papal choir singing Netherlandish composer, Adrian Willaert Europe. The most significant of these some bizarre mathematics and called theorists and other thinkers as the his music under the mistaken belief between each voice at any moment may be the ‘triad’ – a harmonic it the triad. Nowadays when we refer composer who had perfected the art that it was Josquin’s – he did make combine to give the music its character. structure which is still dominant to a chord, such as C Major, we are of music. As Martin Luther wrote; important contributions himself. His Furthermore, Willaert gave his music referring to the triad built on C, which “He is the master of the notes. They music was unprecedentedly smooth. new continuity by avoiding cadences. also includes the notes E and G. must do as he wills; as for the other Despite the many voices entering and Cadences are the punctuation marks Zarlino succeeded Willaert as the composers, they have to do as the exiting throughout a piece, the ‘whole’ of music – the points at which a maestro di cappelle at St. Marks notes will”. Josquin’s use of imitation seems to have its own energy and dissonant harmony resolves into a Cathedral in Venice. Here, Willaert (different voices entering sequentially character; voices lost some of their consonance to give a sense of finality. had created a leading centre of music in a similar manner) and his synthesis independence, and their significance Willaert didn’t simply avoid these, and invited colleagues from all over of many different European styles is subsumed into the effect of this but cleverly prepared the listener for Europe to come work. would be taken up by his students and ‘whole’. What I mean by this is simply them before moving the harmony Venice became the centre of by their students too. The most famous that the old way of thinking of voices away – creating surprise, suspense the musical world as wealthy of these were Nicolas Gombert, as ‘lines’ which enter into polyphony and energy. It is easy to see that in merchants imported musical talent Jacob Clemens and Adrian Willaert, and move relative to each other is preparing the listener for a cadence, from the North and eventually the all ‘Netherlandish’ – Dutch speakers being replaced by a more ‘horizontal’ the composer creates a context in Netherlandish innovation would give from present-day Belgium. view, where the harmonic relations which the cadence is expected, and Music theorist, Gioseffo Zarlino way to Italian dominance. FRIDAY 07 MAR 17

@feliximperial

FelixImperial BOOKS Ancillary Justice Maciej Matuszewski talks about the the groundbreaking debut science fiction novel by Ann Leckie

Ancillary Justice, the debut novel of settings. However, the wider themes Ann Leckie, is one of those novels that the novel explores are its real that had been recommended to me by strength. We see how fear and self- pretty much everyone. However, as is interest perpetuates the brutality of often the case, my other commitments, the Radch Empire, despite most of its and my impressively long reading list, citizens being ordinary, reasonable made me put off picking up for quite people. We see how an atmosphere a while. Now, having finally read it, of hopelessness and repression can I realise that I should have heeded maintain a rigidly divided class system my friends’ advice and checked it out that helps no one. And we see how a sooner because Ancillary Justice is 3,000 year old AI can develop into truly one the best books that I have something far more human than read in recent years. anyone expected. In the hands of a lesser writer, putting “... Ancillary Jus- all these elements together would have resulted in a confused mess. Leckie, tice is truly one of however, makes them all fit perfectly together – they all build on each other, the best books that and add to the central plot. The focus of the novel is, of course, I have read in re- The Justice of Toren herself. The cent years.” story is told in first person from her perspective, which really helps us to understand her. Over the course of The novel is set in the distant future, the book her character is slowly and WORM IN APPLE with humanity having spread across subtly developed as we learn how the stars – much of it ruled by the the weight of thousands of years of militaristic Radch Empire. Its leader, experience turned her from a simple Anaander Mianaai, simultaneously fighting machine into someone far occupies countless different bodies, more complex. giving her near immortality and allowing her to micromanage all “... fascinating and of the many different star systems she controls. Mianaai exerts her innovative, making will through her massive fleet of AI controlled starships. The largest the reader reader of these each house thousands of ancillaries – bodies of former enemies question their pre- of the empire who have had their conceptions about personalities erased and are now controlled by the ships’ AIs and used gender roles and as soldiers. Our protagonist is one of those sterotypes.” ancillaries, containing the last remnants of the now destroyed AI of the ship The Justice of Toren. Taking Another interesting aspect of the on the name Breq she vows to take book is that Radchaai society has no revenge on the person responsible concept of gender, and indeed many for her ship’s destruction – Anaader citizens of the Empire find it difficult Mianaai herself. to recognise gender in other societies. This means that, in The Justice of Toren’s “ The plot is fast first person narration, every character is referred to by feminine pronouns. paced and well de- For most of the characters we never find out if they are biologically male or veloped with excit- female and for other, such as Anaader Mianaai and her many bodies, we ing action and im- know explicitly that such distinctions aginative settings.” are meaningless. This is a fascinating and innovative technique that really makes the reader question their This is a set up that presents many preconceptions about gender roles and different possibilities and Leckie stereotypes. certainly doesn’t disappoint. The All in all, this is a great book. I was plot is fast paced and well developed, hooked from the very first chapter and with exciting action and imaginative I sincerely recommend it to you all. 18 FRIDAY 07 MAR

Editor: Maciej Matuszewski, Eva BOOKS Rosenthal [email protected] Notes to a Fresher 2 Creative Writing students present more short stories aimed at Freshers

V&A Dear fresher, An elliptical droplet, circumference 7.8mm, accelerates at 9.81 metres per second, per second towards an open copy of Advanced Spectroscopy and Nuclear Astrology, Twelfth Edition. It collides with negligible force Skempton is an inflatable bouncy castle that you’re about to climb upon the page, with respect to the pressure exerted on the brain, encased by a skull of radius 8.61cm; the into. When it’s inflated tomorrow, start making the most out of it. frame of which had 8 seconds before expelled said droplet. The head lurches and spins with median speed When you’re not scratching your head while staring at the structures of 34cm per second to face bookshelves of height 2.1m. The aforementioned head oscillates along a vertical lab from the mezzanine, wondering when you’ll get to play in it, plane, with frequency of 30 shakes per minute. Temperature within the core of the brain is 37.2 degrees which is never, take some very high leaps and enjoy some flips. Just centigrade, 0.5 degrees above the mean temperature. Brain system mode set at ‘Highly Stressed, Meltdown make sure you don’t bounce right out of it and injure yourself. Four Imminent’. years later, you will probably be drained, but extremely overjoyed and satisfied. Caution: Not suitable for couch potatoes and heels must be The bipedal system malfunctions, causing the body to experience 1G as it is raised into the upright position. taken off. Further system failures lead to strides of length 84cm, bringing the system 7.32m closer to a doorframe, width 0.9m. The system stalls for 3.8 seconds, as unsuccessful irrational thinking overrides are attempted. Yours truly, The faulty bipedal network switches its operational frequency to ‘Run’ mode. Four groupings of 8 steps, Bouncy castle operator Kawthar Aljufairi each of height 22cm, are vaulted with 30% weight distribution on the right moiety of the bipedal system. Civil Engineering, 3rd Year Average speed is increased from 4 metres per second to 6metres per second, following a 90 degree turn, encompassing an overall change of torso direction from South to East. Memory circuits short-circuit for a duration of 21 seconds. Memory resumes as evasive maneuvers are initiated; introduction of a 20 degree tilt to the torso, preventing collision with an object (identified as Columba livia; pigeon), with circular trajectory of diameter 2m towards the right audio receiver. Bipedal systems regain function, allowing deceleration to walking pace, with default stride of 44cm. The system slows to a complete stop. Visual sensors observe light of wavelength 650nanometres, reflecting from a complex contour pattern, interpreted as spelling ‘V & A’. Gas containment chambers expel air with flow rate 0.48L per second. Brain temperature decreases by 0.3 degrees.

System switched to ‘relaxed’ mode. VC Life Sciences, 2nd Year Quick tip: use the stairs. The lift’s never there when you need it. But you’ll wait anyway because – what else could you do? Busy, busy, busy. You’re too tired anyway. And perhaps you’ll save the extra minutes to slog over another tutorial, and another lab; another report, and another project. You might feel your body begin to atrophy as you spend all your time here but – anything to get a First, right? Or you could be: a point defect in the bulk, an anomalous data point. You could use the stairs. Will you? JB Mechanical Engineering, 4th Year What ate my soul

There she sits in the middle of campus.

Like an enormous spider, she draws in her prey with promises of comfortable study spaces, free computers and working printers.

One by one, students are taken in by her luscious charms, drawn to her like flies to a bug zapper. Through wind and rain, they journey far and wide to be consumed by her. They huddle desperately outside her jaws on the coldest of Saturday mornings. They sit within her grotesquely bloated abdomen through short days and long nights. And when they finally do leave, it is only to return the following day like addicts to a drug. She is a bank of knowledge; a vast repository of centuries of human advancement, and one page, one chapter, one book at a time, thousands of students a day leech off her wisdom.

But you must understand that one can never get something for nothing. The following story was printed in last week’s issue but the final Every time a student steps out from between her pincers, they leave a little of themselves behind. A little sentence was cut off. Apologies to the author. - Ed. joy, a little happiness, a little hope. A small morsel of their soul is retained by the great spider, payment for time spent within her belly. When expostulating spirits have you defeated and you are ready to fall upon your own sword, remember: nothing contributes so much When you stepped into Imperial all those years ago, you may have bursting with passion for learning, but to tranquilize the mind and excite the body as a steadfast firm and the you who leaves will be little more than an empty shell, filled to the brim with mathematical equations, repetitive grip of purpose, a point on which the soul may fix its derivations, proofs and formulae, but devoid of any trace of emotion or life. intellectual eye. So, by all means, at the end of it all, sign that contract to sell your soul to J. P. Morgan. They won’t realise that they’re getting the short end of the stick. Go on, have a wank. MIM Anon Bioengineering, 3rd Year Physics, 3rd Year

20 FRIDAY 07 MAR

Editor: John Park FILM [email protected]

Director Masterclass: Paul Thomas Anderson (1)

Peter Brook Treasured Writer

Paul Thomas Anderson is the spir- itual son of Martin Scorsese, he re- flects many of the styles and themes of Scorsese’s work whilst adding and refining to make a style that is very much his own. Their similarities in- clude the penchant for long tracking takes, the style of epic multi-character stories and along side this many mo- tifs, including the powerful adopted father figures. Hard Eight (1996) Master, and in Scorsese’s Gangs of New yourself. The excitement and terror at PTA’s early career began with Hard York, Mean Streets and Goodfellas. that moment was incredible. Eight (Sydney in the UK) a masterpiece Hard Eight opens with John C. Reil- Another nod to Scorsese’s Goodfellas’ Finally, an idea that follows us of dialogue and intrigue following this ly’s character on the steps of a diner Coco Cabana tracking shot is the first through this film and into Magnolia with Boogie Nights and Magnolia, as Philip Baker Hall’s Sydney opens shot we see of as we walk around the is this idea of coincidence; JCR’s char- both immense in scope and complex- walks up to him and offers him a cof- casino, and it is just glorious! acter opens with a story about why ity multicast pieces. Following this, fee. The opening 10 minutes of dia- There is one scene which probably he can’t light his cigarette because there was an interlude with the en- logue is probably the most intriguing has more intrigue than anything I’ve he refuses to carry matches as once dearing Punch-Drunk Love (possibly and quick moving introductions to ever seen before. Sydney has been a packet spontaneously exploded in Adam Sandler’s only good film) before two characters I have ever seen. Both called to a motel room where some- his pocket. It incites a laugh at first, pushing onto two single character lead actors have opportunity to shine as thing has gone wrong with John C. but also offers the audience to accept films with There Will Be Blood (which Sydney takes the trepidatious John Reilly’s character, and for the longest other weird spontaneous situations won Best Actor at the Oscars for Dan- C. Reilly to Vegas to show him how time all we can see is Sydney’s face later in the story, as we are primed iel Day-Lewis) and The Master (with to make some money. This dynamic as he looks in the room talking with to remember that weird things really Philip Seymour Hoffman and Joaquin of the adoptive father figure can be those inside. It makes you shift in do happen. This idea takes to another Phoenix). These final two films are seen throughout his filmography, very your seat so as to try to see around level in Magnolia… both draped with ideas of faith. specifically in Boogie Nights and The the frame of the screen into the room

Magnolia (1999) Another multi-character epic that has no fixed narrative, but relies on weird coincidental links between a won- derful cast including Philip Seymour Boogie Nights (1997) drug dealers out of money (one of the Hoffman, Tom Cruise, John C. Reilly, This film is just a cataclysmic event most stressful scenes in the movie, fire William H. Macy and an outstanding Punch-Drunk Love (2002) wonderful, we have superb cinema- in film, it follows the life of porn crackers being let off by a high kid not Julianne Moore. The opening (watch tography and just beautifully designed star Dirk Diggler getting his first job only puts the characters on edge, but it on Youtube), which kind of has Punch-Drunk Love is the only film in shots. The shot of Barry finally kiss- in porn, to the highs of his career in put everyone in the room into physi- nothing to do with the plot of the film PTA filmography which runs under an ing his love in a silhouetted, busy ho- the mid-seventies, to the terrible 80s cal states of discomfort and tension). takes three true stories about com- hour and half and has a tone and style tel is breathtaking and the movie has when his life starts to fall apart. Every Alongside the wonderful characters pletely unlikely coincidences and sets very much of it’s own. It is also one of intermissions include impressionist era has a massive tracking shot around we also get a soundtrack that is just them up against what you are about the few films that I have enjoyed with style video art, which, along with the a big party showing the characters the best of the 70s, so make sure you to witness. There are so many writers Adam Sandler in. It follows Sandler, costumes and sets, creates a beauti- mingling, interacting and it gives us have the speakers turned up to 11. that struggle to make one character playing Barry Egman, who seems to fully vivid world in which Barry lives. an opportunity to reflect on how their Again, we have some strange and interesting, and PTA manages to write suffer from a crippling anxiety after Roger Ebert, the renowned film critic, complex lives are unfolding, a club wonderful acts of genius coincidence about 10 totally compelling characters growing up with seven overbearing said of Sandler in this film “Sandler, owner who wants to be in movies, a that make the world seem so real and that have so much depth, history and and cruelly teasing sisters. His anxi- liberated from the constraints of for- stereo salesman who just won’t let the exciting; we also get a strong adoptive truth to them. We follow Tom Cruise, ety leads to him violently lashing out mula, reveals unexpected depths as an cowboy aesthetic go… father relationship between Dirk and a man who runs Pick Up Artist semi- at inanimate objects. He is otherwise actor. Watching this film, you can im- Really this is an epic that focusses on the porn baron who brings him into nars, William H. Macy as a former sweet and conscientious. Again, the agine him in Dennis Hopper roles. He Dirk Diggler played by Mark Wahlberg this world and makes him rich. Really ‘What do kids know?’ TV champion coincidental finding of a small piano, has darkness, obsession and power. growing up in the wrong crowd, who’s an amazing cast, from Philip Seymour and Julianne Moore, a trophy wife de- a phone call to a phone sex line to talk He can’t go on making those moronic ambitions start pure, well as pure as Hoffman (who appeared in all but pendant on Xanex to get through the about life leading to him being em- comedies forever, can he?” Unfortu- making pornos with ‘real storylines’ one of PTAs films except There Will day, has to collect drugs for her dying broiled in blackmail attempts. There nately, with the benefit of hindsight can be. And on New Year’s Eve 1980, Be Blood) playing a lonely and weird husband. How these stories are re- are also many other elements from we know that Ebert was wrong… Jack things start to go wrong, he tries co- runner in the porn world, to Julieanne lated, and the strange events that get the performance that make this movie and Jill… caine for the first time and goes from Moore, Burt Reynolds, John C. Reilly them there, really let us get inside the being very affluent to trying to hustle and William H. Macy. heads of these characters. Next week, I will conclude by talking about There Will Be Blood and The Master ARSITY pullout

icsm vs. ic

edited by kunal wagle

#impvarsity BASKETBALL Imperial College prove too strong for Imperial Medics

Ranjodh Sanghera’s heroics for the Medics were in vain as the Medics Basketball team succumbed to a classy College.

from the resulting free throws, and like scoring from any of the resulting Kunal Wagle eventually the score was back to 26- free throws, resulting in the lead being Sports Editor 12 with just over four minutes to go kept safe. In fact, the Medics then in the second quarter. However, it suffered from a very poor final minute, was not just the medics who were as the College added six unanswered benefiting from carelessness at the points to take a lead of 22 points into n Friday 28th back. Restarting after gifting the the final break. February Imperial college a point from a foul, a simple The final bit of entertainment descended on the pass was fluffed, and the College were provided was a shootout between a Copper Box (the able to slot home for yet another 3 member of the College and a medic beloved stadium points. Yet again, a spell of pressure from the crowd. However, because Oin the Queen Elizabeth II Olympic by the Medics had only resulted in the the standard of this shootout was even Park) to watch one of the most highly College stretching their lead. worse than the shootout between anticipated clashes of the year. But The Medics were not able to take mascots Victoria and Albert, it’s before the London Lions match there advantage of more free throws that probably best to gloss over this one. was the small matter of the College came their way, and the College The Medics needed a fast start if playing against the Medics in the first were pleased to hear the half-time they wanted to win the game, and Varsity clash of the year. whistle blow – but that was not before whilst it briefly looked as though they The College got ahead early and the College’s number 7, Thomas might just manage that, it quickly stayed ahead, with the Medics Defferriere had slotted another 3 became clear that they were going to struggling to match them. College pointer for the leaders. It was 36-17 at fall short. The College were able to managed to surge ahead to a 22-8 lead half-time. shut down the game very effectively, after the first quarter, and from then The half time entertainments with no change in the lead after on Medics were always playing catch- consisted of the London Lions the first five minutes of the final up. At half time the lead had begun to cheerleaders dazzling the crowd with quarter. With just a few minutes to stretch, with the College taking a 36- one of their dance routines. However go the College provided a play that 17 cushion into the half-time break. this was quickly eclipsed by an described the game in a nutshell. Despite a strong start to the second impromptu dance off between the two With the medics laying siege on the half from the Medics, the College mascots. After a few minutes, it was College basket, the College were able continued to move ahead (despite a clear that the Medics (represented to weather the storm and then break lack of discipline leading to many free by Victoria) had just shaded it. It was away, force a foul and then register a throws), before they sealed the game to be the only battle that the Medics point of their own. After this the lead in the final quarter at a convincing 62- would win all evening. kept stretching, and it was clear that 36. Clearly the Medics coach had given it was game over. This didn’t stop the Due to a lack of signposts at the his team a grilling, as they came out Stadium announcer from continuing Olympic Park, the Felix reporting for the third quarter all guns blazing. in his regular gusto, especially when team only reached the Copper Box in Inspired by their forward, number 13 he commented to people in the crowd time for the second quarter, in time to Ranjodh Sanghera (who had been so who were wearing cut-outs of the witness a key moment in the game – far the one shining light in the Medics’ players, “I’ve just realised you guys a shootout between the two mascots performance), the Medics were able to have brought face cut-outs with you. – Victoria and Albert. When they post seven unanswered points within You guys are some of the best fans couldn’t be separated after five throws the first two minutes of the third ever”. each (none had reached the basket, let quarter, leading a worried College The rest of the game passed without alone gone in) there was a roar from coach to call a time-out with 7:40 to much incident and the College were the crowd as the players replaced go. able to complete a regulation 62-36 them on the court for the second After receiving the hair-dryer victory to put the Medics in their quarter. treatment from their coach (although place. Sanghera deservedly took the At the start of the quarter the Medics how he could possibly have had a hair- Golden Basketball for his role of MVP, enjoyed a good spell of possession dryer courtside I don’t know), College but unfortunately for the medics, the near the College basket, but were started to find their feet in the quarter rest of their team were no match for unable to translate this into points on and started to put some points on the a classy, yet ruthless Imperial College. the board, and soon found themselves board. At this stage the Medics had conceding again. Unfortunately for no answer to the College’s rebounds, On the right are a selection of photos them, this was to be the story for most and they were able to slot away points from the Basketball all credit Jack of their evening. It was now 26-8. at will. But it was the same old story Elkington/Felix Sport. The other main theme for the at the back for the College as they evening was the ill discipline of the gave away foul after foul after foul. College as they defended. The Medics Luckily for them, with the exception clawed their way back into the quarter of Sanghera, the Medics didn’t look BASKETBALL JPR WILLIAMS CUP

that it is just another game it is naïve to think that the boys wont be more Interviews with the Captains pumped up than usual for this one.

MICHAEL O’CONNELL How does it feel to be playing at Sports Editor Kunal Wagle catches up with the two captains to get their The Stoop? 1ST Team Captain thoughts and opinions ahead of the flagship game on Varsity Day. I was injured in my second year so last year was the first time I was able to How has your season been so far? play at the Stoop. It was an awesome VERNON MCGEOGH experience. It is also important not The Stoop. The IC 1st XV started the season to overstate the importance of the 1ST Team Captain with the goals of promotion, a similar stadium, people have been known to What is your prediction for the cup campaign to last year and to win get overawed by the occasion and not game? Varsity. Unfortunately St Bart’s have to perform on the day. dominated the league, we are the How has your season been so far? A game of two halves that will be only team to have managed at least a Where will this game be won and decided after 80 minutes. draw against them with Bart’s winning lost? The season has been mixed. It their other eleven matches. A very started off in September, moved on The Captain’s Message: comfortable win over the Medics There is a saying in rugby that through Christmas and ended up in at the start of the season also puts a says the forwards decide who wins March. This year has been a mixed one so far shine on the year. Our cup campaign the game and the backs decide by for the Imperial Medicals 1st XV. The came to an end with a 1 point loss how much. I believe in this and on How much does this game mean beginning of the year was tough due to to St Marys after a very impressive Wednesday the team that wins will to you? a run of injuries and having to integrate performance. be the team that can dominate the set a large amount of new members into piece and the breakdown. Without It’s a really important stepping stone the team. However, since Christmas, How much does this game mean these key victories no team can gain before the UH final. the injured have returned and under to you? any momentum and it is very difficult the increased competition for places to win the game. How does it feel to be playing at the squad has thrived. This has led The success or failure of our season The Stoop? to a large group of players all capable rests on winning this game, it is What is your prediction for the of putting in a shift and a great team hugely important for the team and game? Well, it isn’t quite Teddington is it? atmosphere. Consequently, results the motivation to win is incredibly have improved and we are looking high. We have been targeting this A spirited medic performance but Where will this game be won and forward to continuing this good run game from the start of the season and IC will have too much for them over lost? of form into Varsity and the UH Cup. although we have been trying to say the 80 minutes. 11. PROVISIONAL LINE UPS 11. Nzekwue (SUBJECT TO CHANGE) White 7. 7. Godfrey Murray 1. 1. McGrath Bagby 4. 9. 4. 9. O’Connell Barry Warren Fraser (C) 15. 10. 10. 8. 2. 2. 8. 15. Short Cox Scarborough Rees Poynton Hobson Hardisty O’Donnell 12. 5. 5. 12. Bowden Clough Morris Nielsen-Scott 3. 3. 13. 13. McGeoch Lineham Floyd Super 6. 6. Saeed (C) Hedley (VC)

14. 14. Whitby Mann 58 TEAMS 29 MATCHES 11 SPORTS 1 WINNER ARSITY 12.03.14 icsm vs. ic RUGBY #impvarsity buy match tickets at www.imperial.ac.uk/sports/varsity

1ST TEAM ALEX JOHNSTON JOE HEYLEN GEORGE HILL 2ND TEAM 2nd Team Captain 2nd Team Captain 3rd Team Captain Headline Sponsor Alex Johnston (C) Dariush Baboli Jake Bagby Adrian McGrath Dave Jones Dan Campioni Thomas Hobson Vernon McGeoch The Imperial College 2nd XV had a As IMRFC 2s, we have had a season Will Griffiths Jag Gill Jon Lineham (C) slow start this season but we’ve picked of mixed results but throughout have Imperial Medicals 3XV, arguably the Jonathan Stancombe Conor Walsh Michael O’Connell © Tom Sheerin most competitive IMRFC team (albeit Will Jones Joe Heylen (C) David Nielsen-Scott Oliver Brunckhorst up momentum just in time to smash played with ferocity, flare and finesse. in the lowest BUCS league in the South Maxime Bedouet Adam Sullivan Tom Hedley (VC) Matt Poynton the medics come Varsity. We’re confi- We currently sit mid table in the BUCS East) have had a fantastic season so far. Matt Harvey Jamie Close Tom Murray Greg Warren dent that with our star players: Charles league with some sub par performanc- Eifion Foster Tom Howe Jon Hardisty Robbie Ley-Greaves with his unbelievable kicking record es before Christmas knocking us out Technically unbeaten, top of the league Ruaridh McKay Kiran Patel Scott Fraser James Morris and our very dominant very English of promotion contention. Nonethe- and through to the semis of the BUCS Alex Clayton Tom Martin James Cox Scott Godfrey back row Ruaridh, Eifion and... Matt less, impressive form post Christmas cup, we are approaching varsity this Ali Jones Ollie Wroe Wright Fred White Abdel Saeed we will be able to nullify the medics, has seen us challenge the best in our year brimming with confidence, and are Stefan Grossfurter Anthony Rayner Joe Bowden Tom Rees providing that they actually turn up league, most notably a comprehen- hoping to be the first medics 3s team to Charles Price-Smith Jack Spinner Mike Floyd Raj Atkar win varsity since 2010. Eugene Poon Faadil Dawood Jon Mann Marc Macmillan to play Rugby this year. Captain Alex sive win against Middlesex 1s (current Led by an aging part time skipper, our Matyas Moltar Alex Davidson Josh O’Donnell Andrew Barrie Johnston has taken leading by exam- leaders.) Over the past few weeks the phenomenal form of late has certainly Ciro Monti Hugh Crawford Rob Kyle Alex Scarborough ple to a new level this season by try- forward pack, lead by the likes of Tom Henry Legge Smith Dave Jones Jonathan Super ing his hand at every position possible ‘the friend zone’ Howe, Jamie ‘the bush’ been due to hard graft, and team effort. Hugh Mckinon Med Harris Olisa Ufodiama Oliver Clough apart from Hooker, claiming that he Close and Dan ‘not so doughy’ Campi- Alex Leonard Alexz Scott Matt Blackett Vaki Antoniou gets enough of that off the field. Alex oni, have put together some top class 3RD TEAM Alexis Faure Joe James Chris Macbeth Oscar Short Clayton has turned into a command- rugby, in particular some dominant set Will Taylor Mo Shaath Josh Lowe Chidi Nzekwue ing presence behind the scrum keep- piece. This puts the team in a strong po- Adam Postlewhaite Orr Jon Leong Tom Catchpole Jack Whitby Merlin Potter-Adams Simmonds Matt Harling ing a close eye on Willy Jones in his sition heading into Varsity. Phil Buckley Mahalingham Anthony Rayner new position at second row. Hopefully We have also won through to the UH we’ll be seeing more Poon than just cup final so hopefully by the end of Luke Lombardo C. Harrison LUKE ARMITAGE Eugene in the Union after thrashing March we can have two new pieces of Henry Legge Truell Edoardo Cavallazi Rezk 3rd Team Captain the medic’s at Harlington – if ‘French silverware in our trophy cabinet! Dan Clay Naeem So BUCS have seen fit to label the romantic’ Maxime actually passes Tim Harrington Pallant medics 3s as ‘Imperial 5th’ and IC 3s the ball. Let’s just say the medics will Luke Armitage (C) Clancy as ‘Imperial 6th’. be sorry they shut the A&E depart- PIP HEGGIE Alex Leonard S. Harrison On the 12th March we will set the re- ment at Charing Cross come the 12th Women’s Rugby Captain Richard Fish Kerr cord straight. March. Christian Mellor Shaan Women’s rugby has had a great season Charles Prichard Bloomer Even after another horrendous blun- after promotion to BUCS SE1A. The Ikenna Okoli Turner der left us with no games nearly all majority of LUSL matches are left to be Darius Singh Hill (c) second term, our spirits are high. Peter Bridgman played but we remain confident we can Captain Luke Armitage is encourag- Alex Munster ing cider for all so the 3s are motivat- still win the league as we did last year. ed. Merlin the wizard has magically As a club we are mixed with both med- fixed his disfigured finger, and pack ics and IC and so for Varsity we split the WOMEN’S RUGBY veterans Lombizzle and Cavallazzi team in half and play 7’s or 10’s against are out for a third straight varsity each other. Despite the fact that we win. With specialist number 8 Tim know one another very well our com- Kirstie Edwards Sarah Burns Harrington hoping to control the Clara Gago Marta Casanovas ball at the back, our scrums look sol- petitive spirit always takes over and it is Heather Grant Kath Fok a fiercely fought game. IC won for the Ellie Harvey Sammy Gottardi id. In the backs we have the port con- first time ever last year and is looking to Pip Heggie (C) Charlie Stephens noisseur A. Leonard working with recently converted flankers Fishy and repeat this in 2014! This year’s Varsity Amy Humphreys Ellie Stewart Rabia Lakhani Wakana Teranaka Christian, both out for blood. Darius is set to be nail biter as the two of the Tessa Davey Mona Theodoraki has recently returned from teaching highest scorers, Kath Fok and Sammy Lana Lee (C) Mike Brown how to play full-back, Gottardi, are medics whilst IC has the Alice Liberman Ran Xiong and with Henry Legge predicting a Aamna Mohdin best boot in the land belonging to Lana fire about to burn, this is set to be an Carolanne Vouriot Lee, and the French centre Carolanne unmissable encounter. Vouriot who is not one to be messed with. 58 TEAMS 29 MATCHES 11 SPORTS 1 WINNER ARSITY 12.03.14 icsm vs. ic FOOTBALL #impvarsity buy match tickets at www.imperial.ac.uk/sports/varsity JACK ROBINSON JACK HEALY DANIEL BATES MYLES JARVIS ICUAFC VS ICSMFC 1ST Team Captain 1ST Team Captain 3RD Team Captain 3RD Team Captain Headline Sponsor 1ST TEAM

The main priority for the team this 2013/14 has been a season of transi- The seasons been completely differ- The ICUAFC 3s have gone from Daniel Casas Bofarull Hugh Ford year was to secure survival in the new tion for us, with the loss of several first ent for the 3s in our two leagues. On strength to strength this season, an im- Peter Nugent Joseph Barker BUCS league which we have just been team players to injury and the stresses Wednesdays the results haven’t been pressive feat given that we are coming Christian Nielsen Mohammed Ali promoted into. We have surpassed this, of final year meaning we have found it as good as we would have liked, but off the back of promotion in both BUCS Omar Amjad Jack Healy (C) and are sitting comfortably in 2nd posi- difficult to adapt to a higher level after we’ve been fighting back in the past and LUSL leagues. We have seen strong Ivan Diaz James Iliff Jonathan Hill David Hillier tion behind a very good Hertfordshire BUCS and LUSL promotion last sea- few weeks, we’re looking to finish in the additions from within the club and from Jonathan Crawford Kevin Buell 1s team, with two matches to go. Our son. However, despite this and a diffi- top third of the table. On Saturdays we the new wave of freshers, including Ahmed Cherif Thomas Stroud LUSL campaign has had a few hiccups, cult run of fixtures before Christmas, have had a lot of success, we’re current- Faidon Mitzalis, international man of Kolawale Ayanwale Avi Korman but began very well by thoroughly beat- we are currently five games unbeaten ly sat at the top of our league and are mystery and Francis ‘SBU’ Nwobu. The Lee Lawson Jack Amiry James Murphy Ken Mawhinney ing our Varsity opponents, the Medics, and are still in contention for survival looking for some silverware. business end of the season is set to be Alexander Dale Patrick McGown 5-0. Facing them again at the end of the in both leagues coming into the run-in. At Varsity we’ll be looking to put last an exciting one; we currently lie 1st in Alexis Bellot Kem (Ifeanyi season is something we have all been We also have high hopes of success in year’s loss firmly behind us, and are BUCS and are well in contention for a Matteo Prestinoni Onubogu) greatly looking forward to, and there UH and NAMS cup competition. Go- looking forward to a great day. We LUSL promotion. Jack Robinson (C) Michael David Adam Green is no doubt in my mind that we will be ing into Varsity, we can’t ignore the fact have a really strong squad and lots of Varsity will be the 3s’ only fixture ver- Youssuf Saleh up for it and all over them from the first that we suffered the ignominy of a 5-0 determination, and I really believe that sus any ICSM team this season. Having whistle. Our prolific front three of Alex defeat to IC 1s earlier in the season, but ICSMFC 3s will be victorious on the initially played for the medics myself in ‘Cravin’Dale’ Dale (10 goals, 8 assists), this will only serve as added motivation 12th. Come on ICSM! first year, victory will be all the sweeter 2ND TEAM James ‘Jimmy’ Murphy (14 goals, and to gain revenge when it really counts on when it comes. his goal mountain of 16 assists), and Wednesday 12th. myself (20 goals, 7 assists) smell blood. Sam Mason Markos Reissis Michele Tonutti Alastair Brown Tom Samas Joshua Khan DANIEL MOXHAM Miles Covers Michael Narouz 2ND Team Captain Andy Smith Louis Peters Daniel Moxham (C) Mustafa Franka Tim Beasley Odhran Keating A stellar season for ICUAFC 2nd XI has Will Wilson Mike Maruthan led to a title charge in BUCS and a solid, Andy Sears-Black Omer Jamall top half of the table performance in a Nozomi Satake Zubair Froogh Robert Maizonnier Maroof Ahmed debut season in the LUSL premier di- Kume Feese Calum Stapley vision. Highlights of the season include Vedat Ratib, Michael Colwill a goal from the halfway line, a 6 game Dom Affron win-streak and an anthem of Scatman that will stay with the squad for the rest of their days. Lowlights involve jam jars, spinal injuries and having to listen to the perpetual moaning of IC’s veteran striker. After trouncing IC Medic 1s 5-1 3RD TEAM on their own patch, who knows what is in store for IC Medic 2s at Fortress H? Sanjiv Dutt Bradley Lonergan One thing is for sure; they don’t want it Phillip Gantner Joel Corkill half as much as we do. Jack Peacock Sheeraz Iqbal Chris Rochester Daniel Bates (C) Adam Marks Guy Hooker Naven Ghulam Omer Jamall Faidon Mitzalis Hisham Abubakar – MARKOS REISSIS Alex Whittington Waziri 2ND Team Captain Taha Butt Will Pitts Alex Hugh-Wilson Khalid Kazi Myles Jarvis (c) Michael Bussell The Imperial Medics 2s FC are look- Julian Iacoponi Oliver Kemp Tyrone Scille Varun Sudunagunta ing like a formidable force this year Francis Nwobu Zubair Froogh with great success coming in the BUCS Obinna Abani league so far and a great chance to fight Osman Nayeem for promotion! The team has experi- enced both highs and lows throughout the season, however the team has really 4TH TEAM come together in recent weeks and will be going into Varsity with a rich vein of ADAM ROSSITER the semi finals. We have a busy sched- opposition meaning results have not Michael Masam Adam Rossiter (C) form. With some massive games com- 4TH Team Captain ule leading up to Varsity with winnable always gone our way. The season cer- Ben Ganesh Sean Done ing in the run up to Varsity our prepa- games so hopefully a strong finish to tainly has had some fantastic highlights, Chris Schon (C) Liam Johnstone Sam Duffield Pietro Vassalo ration could not be better. The team is A mixed bag for the 4s this season. The the season is on the cards. If we can not to mention beating King’s 1s away Callum Richards Arjun Pattel showing their desire to really compete Saturday league has been running bet- then carry this on to Varsity then a in the LUSL cup 3-0 and coming out Dylan Patel James Liston at all levels and this is why I am sure ter than the tough Wednesday league. good game should be had and maybe with a 4-3 victory in a dramatic game Inigo Torres Hugo Barete the medics will record a big win come A lot of very good new teams joined the underdogs can come out on top. against UCL 3s. The medics will be sure Marcello Valerio Angus Francis Andy Nguyen Coleman March 12th. A superb striking force, a the Wednesday league, hence making to want to make amends for their 6-0 Guy Frankel Stephen Rowlands master class in midfield, a dogged de- it a very competitive one. All the hard- CHRIS SCHON thumping against us in Varsity last year, Matt Knights Dominic Fernandes 4TH Team Captain fence and a gallant goalkeeper is what est games have been played and now but we will be up for the fight and hop- Guillaume Alba Julius Guth makes the Imperial Medics 2s FC a the weaker teams are left. Hopefully ing for a similar scoreline in 2014. They Mene Moni-Nwinia Riaz Rampuri Henry Rowett Will Ravis great unit and with a great captain lead- a strong finish will ensure we can fin- It’s been a mixed bag for the 4th team will need to be on their toes to keep Bruno Howard Harry Posner ing the team, come varsity it won’t be a ish mid-table in both leagues, some- this year. Whilst we are top of the league Fogo ‘The Enigma’ Adelowo at bay, who Ben Rowley matter of if we will win, but more the thing which can realistically be done. and on a charge towards promotion in has impressed all season with his explo- Pascal Gehlert matter of by how much we will win! The United Hospitals cup (between our LUSL league, we have struggled to sive pace and ice cool finishing. Josep Casa Sofiane Hamadi the London medical schools) has been adapt to our new BUCS league, with Fogo Adelowo going well and we are now through to long away trips and unknown, tricky Your Guide To... The Big Elections 2014 (Manifestos)

Voting opens 12:00, Friday 7 March Voting closes 12:00, Friday 14 March

All photos and manifestos have been reprinted as they were submitted with the candidates’ nomination. Candidate list correct as of 18:00, Thursday 6 March. imperialcollegeunion.org/elections Big Elections 2014

President

Alberto No manifesto supplied Perez Robledo

Ahmed Hi I’m Ahmed Raja and am running for president of for me and become part of the movement that will Imperial College Union for 2014. My agenda is simple make Imperial College Union an unparalleled body of Raja and straightforward, with my main focus on increasing student representation! diversity, participation and most importantly social events to ensure that everyone enjoys a fun year at Imperial. Using my past experience as president of the union at college level, I promise to completely transform the union into one that will be matched by none in terms of its socials and opportunities! But in order to do so, I need your help. So please vote

Charles Hi, Charles Prichard here. You wana know why you Don’t hesitate to ask me for dip dabs in passing. should voterer for me ratherer than anyone who cared. A VOTE FOR CHARLES IS A VOTE FOR DIP DABS Prichard Well I’ll tell you later. But first , let me tell you what I EVERYWHERE. want, and therefore what you want - I want a little bit of chicken fried. A cold beer on a Friday night. A pair of jeans that fit just right. And the radio oooooon. Nah but seriously, my main issue with Imperial is that they still don’t sell dip dabs on campus even after my many letters. Once you vote me as your supreme overlord, the chosen one, I will ensure dip daps for all!

Irina No manifesto supplied Moraru

Jonathan Every student deserves to feel that their Union is -Encourage the use of the Union during the day: there working for them, and I am going to make this needs to be a coffee machine and lunchtime menu. Pratt happen. The Union has been one of the best things about my time here, but I want to make it even better -Introduce better and more inclusive nights out in the for even more people. I have observed and reported Union: as well as improving the club nights on offer on the Union as President of STOIC (the Student we also need to continue to run events not necessarily Television Society) for three years now and I’ve seen focused on alcohol. what can be done to make it better. As President I promise to -Keep students up to date with my progress with monthly updates in Felix. -Introduce ePetitioning to make sure that the Union is listening. At the moment it is not clear how you can For my full manifesto, and expansion on the above make your voice heard by College and the Union: an points visit votejonny.com. Every student matters, and online system to raise the issues that matter to you, our Union should reflect this. and allows other students to support you, is absolutely crucial.

-Provide more support for students applying for standalone Masters after completing an Imperial Undergraduate degree. President -Create a Union resource for extra information on courses, and a centralized textbook resale system. Big Elections 2014

Plabon Hello there!I am Plabon, the current RCSU President. -Further development for Reynolds with student During this year, I oversaw an increase in UROP consultation and invest increased revenue into Saha funding, helped depsocs to organize more events and ICSMSU. have made Science Challenge bigger with notable -Extensive training for bar staff to cut down waiting guests at the launch. Previously, I was the RCSU times at the bar• Use Metric a lot more. Look Treasurer and had jobs at the Union related to finance, to bring in local bands and offer more live music at an the bar and more visibly a brief stint as a union affordable price. model. This gives me a sound understanding of what -Develop loss making provisions at the union (eg needs changing. I have had first-hand experiences of catering) and invest this back into students standing up for students and making the changes you want happen. Vote passion, progress and prowess. Vote Plabon.

My policies if elected are: Extended manifesto at www.voteplabon.co.uk -An online e-petition system designed to give more power to the students -Dedicated full time staff support for the Graduate Students Union -A review of UROP opportunities across faculties to lobby for further funding and more placements -Continue current work towards an insurance scheme for international students so they won’t have to pay six months’ rent upfront -Oyster top-up service at the union - Re-training provisions for all personal tutors -Increased union revenue to go direct to clubs and societies as further funding

Thomas I have the experience, motivation and enthusiasm to consultation system make your University work for you. Wheeler To encourage Development, I will: I want to make your time at Imperial as valuable as -Push the Careers Service to provide more alternative possible. To achieve this, I want to focus on improving: graduate opportunities (outside finance/consulting Satisfaction, Development and Inclusivity. sectors) -Further existing relationships with other London Who am I? Unions to encourage more art, music and creative I have 3 years of experience working closely with the collaborations on campus Union during my Physics degree. I have been the Chairman of Exploration Society, Social Secretary To ensure Inclusivity, I will: of Mountaineering Club, and RCC Chairman of 48 -Improve the support, visibility and recognition that clubs, (with a £350,000 turnover). I’ve also managed Overseas Clubs receive a business, organised international expeditions and -Continue to fight the ‘Immigration Bill’ raised thousands for charity. -Push for more mental-health support on campus

To improve Satisfaction, I will: Visit www.VoteTom.in to find out more. -Create a confident, informed student voice that enables us to question decisions we disagree with -Engage with College to maximise the funding that is available for students who want to undertake Undergraduate-Research-Opportunities-Programmes- Lobby departments to increase the quantity and quality of feedback for exams and coursework

President -Aim to meet student demand for work-experience/ internships/placements by utilizing the relationships between departments and industries -Ensure that we are properly consulted on all decisions that affect us by pushing to implement a college-wide

Help us to be Number 1 again!

the Play your part in England’s largest student vote! BIG ELECTIONS 2014 Big Elections 2014

Deputy President (Clubs & Societies)

Abigail In a constituent union with over 300 clubs and Dedicating weekly drop in hours would allow clubs societies it is easy for groups to feel they are lost and societies to deal more effectively with unexpected de Bruin somewhere in the noise. problems and a blog updated weekly, including a ‘Top 10 society events’, would allow for better publicity. Setting up smaller management groups would create a better forum for the exchange of ideas and facilitate If elected, altering the room booking system would targeted help. also be a priority; a more user-friendly system would provide greater ease and flexibility improving the Also, creating events that allow the clubs and societies efficiency of room allocations. to work together in the style of ArtsFest etc. will give a more united atmosphere within the union and provide Vote Abi for DPCS for a person who supports and greater exposure to smaller or new projects. truly appreciates the wide variety of clubs and societies Imperial has to offer. Providing greater year round support for committees via workshops and seminars would allow for smoother running of clubs and societies and ensure that help is offered at the times when it is needed most.

Furthermore, providing talks on sponsorship and alternate funding methods would make finance options more clearly and easily accessible.

Christopher The Union and College are undergoing many changes, Societies) I will: so it’s important that your Union representatives Witham understand how to manage these in everyone’s best -Ensure the Union and College make full use of their interests. facilities. -Work with College to make sure that the movement I’m a final year Physicist who has been involved in of departments to other campuses does not impact Union activities of all kinds throughout his time the ability of students to get involved with Clubs and at Imperial. This year I have been President of the Societies. Musical Theatre Society and I have sat on the College’s -Push the Union to update the room booking system. Arts Imperial Board, giving me insight into the -Minimise the impact to Clubs of changes to outdoor decision making processes outside of the Union. I have training spaces. -Improve understanding between represented Imperial as a member of Ultimate Frisbee, Societies and College security. I’m an active member of Snooker & Pool and Tabletop Gaming, and I’ve written and copy edited for Felix. For more information and a full manifesto please visit As a member of A Cappella group ‘The Techtonics’ I votewitham.wordpress.com have performed at a variety of functions, giving me a strong knowledge of how the Union needs to adapt to different societies. It is this wide experience of Clubs and Societies that I will use to ensure the Union acts in the best interests of its members.

During my time as Deputy President (Clubs and

Irina Confused about what’s going on?It’s simple.I can help you in 3 simple steps: Moraru 1Vote IRINA 2Proceed to the next position 3Repeat step 1 Deputy President (Clubs & Societies) (Clubs President Deputy

the BIG ELECTIONS 2014 Visit imperialcollegeunion.org/vote to cast your vote! Big Elections 2014

Deputy President (Education)

Bradly Please see my website at BSKforDPE.com for all my this website would amalgamate any information that ideas! usually ‘floats on the grapevine’ within Departments. Kneisel Imperial rates poorly in student satisfaction. I want The purpose of these systems would be (a) to provide to change this issue by enabling students to identify representatives with definitive evidence about the schemes that work well for other Departments and efficacy (or lack thereof) of techniques implemented adopt those in their own Departments. by other representatives and (b) to provide a public forum in which students can (anonymously) discuss I have been the Biochemistry Year Representative for issues pertinent to their educational experience at three years running now. I have aimed to implement Imperial. I will identify schemes (like interactive platforms by which students collaborated and enriched marking and student-led tutorials) that students find their degree experience despite these difficulties. I work well in their Departments and implement those would like to implement similar platforms for all schemes College-wide by using technology to provide Departments. students a place to voice their opinions.

My plan involves creating a central website at which student support information is housed. While there are several sources throughout which this is spread, there is currently no one place any student can visit where they can find both information pertinent to them (e.g. mitigating circumstances procedures, guidance sent to tutors, usual grade distributions, planned changes to the degree programme) and compare the support available to them versus other Departments. In brief,

Irina Confused about what’s going on?It’s simple.I can help you in 3 simple steps: Moraru 1Vote IRINA 2Proceed to the next position 3Repeat step 1

Pascal I’m Pascal, a third year EEE student and I’m running - Improve academic feedback. Many students are still for Deputy President Education to ensure that you receiving inadequate feedback for their coursework Loose have the best academic experience! and lecturers often dismiss year reps’ feedback. I will change this by improving the communication between I have previously been involved with the Union as the student reps and staff, for example by expanding a year rep. My contribution was recognised with the current rep-staff conference. the John Lever Memorial Award for contributing significantly to teaching and learning achievements. I - Provide more social events for postgraduate students have also been web editor for RAG and I am currently and integrate the representation system for PG within EESoc’s treasurer. the Union. The PG reps are not connected to the Union and by reaching out to them I will ensure that As your DPE I will: the opinions of PG are heard.

- Take e-learning to the next level. Even though If you want to see changes at your university, vote for lectures are currently recorded, the quality is often low Pascal! and only few lecturers participate. I will ensure that the

Deputy President (Education) President Deputy quality will get better and that more lecturers will take part in the scheme.

the BIG ELECTIONS Visit imperialcollegeunion.org/vote to cast your vote! 2014 Big Elections 2014

Selina I’m running for Deputy President (Education) because development of personal tutor arrangements. I care about the quality of our teaching at Imperial Ensure that feedback from students, particularly Leung College London. I’m currently a final, fourth year through SOLE, is actively investigated with Chemistry student. improvements implemented as quickly as possible. Look into bettering our tutorial systems as necessary, During my time at Imperial, I’ve held a number for example pushing for more tutorials beyond second of positions of responsibility. I am the Webmaster year. of ChemSoc, a position which I have held for two academic years. Additionally, I’m the Secretary of As an individual, I’m easy going and approachable. I’m History Society and an Ordinary Member of Union happy to voice your opinions and represent what you Council. I’ve also been involved a promotional video want from your time at Imperial. Fundamentally, I will for the Chemistry Department. What has motivated work hard alongside the other Sabbaticals to certify me to run for Deputy President (Education) is the that changes will be made to improve our student life satisfaction of helping to generate a positive outcome overall. for students. I feel that after four years here, I can certainly contribute to our student life and satisfaction. Vote for me, please and thank you!

As Deputy President (Education), my aims will be to:

Review the late submission deadlines for coursework. Review the quality of our coursework feedback. Liaise closely with all faculties to continue the Deputy President (Education) President Deputy

Deputy President (Finance & Services)

Finance and Services is a role that, I believe, deserves -Active help and support for students moving on to Alexander real experience and responsibility. With 8 years of other work Savell college experience including; chairing several varied -Make Club and Society Finances easier clubs, a management group, working at the Union and -By Increasing the number of payment methods the new h-Bar and sitting on Union council and other readily available on Eactivities committees, I believe I am the man for the job. My passion for engagement in ICU hasn’t wavered as an For more info please take a look at my online undergrad or postgrad and I think my experience has manifesto (AlexSavellforDPFS.webs.com) let me see not only how much progress we have made or my facebook page (www.facebook.com/ as a Union, but also where we still have work to do. AlexSavellforDPFS). Many thanks and vote Alex Savell Not only do I want to continue pushing us to do better for DPFS. where we excel, but also to start fixing the things that we have lost and those we’ve yet to get right.

At the top of my priority list for this are: -Make the union a place for students, not for profit -More live music, comedy and other events -Help clubs run events more easily without large minimum spends -Help students that want jobs -Even more inclusion of student staff in all union venues -Better training and real accreditation e.g. Cask Marque

Irina Confused about what’s going on?It’s simple.I can help you in 3 simple steps: Moraru 1Vote IRINA 2Proceed to the next position 3Repeat step 1 Deputy President (Finance & Services) (Finance President Deputy Big Elections 2014

Deputy President (Welfare)

Arka In my three years at Imperial I have been passionately -Hosting welcoming events during the opening weeks, involved in student welfare at many levels. As an introducing students to support services e.g. visa Sarkar elected house rep on my hall committee and as a year support centre representative within my department I successfully -Opening a dialogue with college over the issues of lobbied for positive change and improved conditions rising international fees during the duration of a for my peers. As a year rep in the RSM I appreciated student’s degree the power of student feedback as a vehicle for change, Run welfare weeks throughout the year, allowing and hope to improve the impact of this system college- focused action on topical student issues wide. Time spent as a Hall Senior showed me the Establish a college-wide baseline for extenuating issues new students face as they begin their first year at circumstances college, and allowed me to hear student feedback from Lobby with health centre to extend triage hours every department in a friendly, relaxed environment. These experiences provided me with the skills and determination to strive for better welfare conditions for all students, from the fresh-faced new students to the weary PHD! Increase awareness of all welfare services Create a comprehensive welfare services hub where all services are easily accessible, with tailored sections for individual student needsIncrease support for key welfare officers, including liberation, LGBT and disability officers Improve welcoming schemes for incoming students Tackling welfare issues for international students:

Christopher My 4th year at Imperial College and I feel it’s time to I have never been afraid to raise matters to Union give something back. Council. For example, I raised issues such as the Kaye disgraceful (and in my opinion, unnecessary) policy Coming from a comprehensive school in Bristol, I of 17-year-old freshers not be allowed to the Welcome have been immensely grateful to receive a Bursary Night at the Union. from Imperial during my time here. It has given me opportunities in London I would not have otherwise I will not go to conferences or on ‘Nice Trips’ unless I had. believe my going would benefit Students as a whole.

If elected, I will donate 33% of my generous salary to I would really like to engage with Women in Science, Imperial Scholarships. Engineering and Technology (of which I am a member). I applaud what they do, in encouraging I will work with the DP(E) and College to try and schoolgirls to choose Science A-Levels. change the new Late Coursework Penalty which I believe to be draconian. College must be more Finally, it is important that Sabbaticals remain understanding of real life scenarios, while rightly accountable after they are elected. I will propose that maintaining academic rigour. *you* be given a vote on whether your Sabbaticals are awarded Honorary Life Membership towards the end I want to be part of a ‘back to basics’ Union, which is of their term. not so distant from the people it’s meant to serve. Deputy President (Welfare) President Deputy

? Which Faculty will win? Keep up-to-date with our exciting live

election statistics online all week at the imperialcollegeunion.org/elections BIG ELECTIONS 2014 Big Elections 2014

Irina Confused about what’s going on?It’s simple.I can help you in 3 simple steps: Moraru 1Vote IRINA 2Proceed to the next position 3Repeat step 1 Deputy President (W) President Deputy

Felix Editor

Irina Confused about what’s going on?It’s simple.I can help you in 3 simple steps: Moraru 1Vote IRINA 2Proceed to the next position 3Repeat step 1

Maciej I have been involved with Felix since I first came to having been Chair of the Media Executive this year, Imperial and I have developed a great passion for it. I understand the importance of collaboration with Matuszewski groups like STOIC and IC Radio. Two years ago I restarted the paper’s Books section and have been its editor ever since. This January I also One of the key roles of Felix is holding the Union to joined the paper’s News editorial team. I have written account. Having sat on the Union Council and the over 140 articles, both for these two sections as well as Clubs, Societies and Projects Board I know a lot about many others, including Film, Television and Science. how the Union works. I will attend all important Union meetings and make sure that you are kept Felix is such a great paper because of the huge amount informed of what really matters to you. of effort put into it by ordinary Imperial students. I would therefore want to make it less daunting to get For more information check out my campaign website involved in contributing. I would also regularly meet (www.VoteMaciej.com). Remember to vote Maciej for with students to find out their concerns and their ideas Felix Editor. on how to improve Felix.

I understand how important clubs and societies are for many at Imperial and so I would make it easier for different groups to publicise their events. In particular,

Maximilian Felix is the voice of Imperial. Recently, this newspaper I plan to distribute Felix every Friday in the morning, has become a self-contained unit rather than serving so it’s there for that 9am lecture. I will also increase Eggl all of Imperial. I believe that for Felix to be something the number of copy editors to reduce mistakes and that speaks to and for all students we need to involve typos. Lastly, I will better integrate the website and app all of Imperial. I would like to achieve this by starting a together. survey, to help the reader shape Felix. Due to the rebuilding of the union, the new Felix Additionally, I hope to involve more students by editor will have the opportunity to shape the future consulting societies for certain sections as well as of the newspaper. Having worked as Technology and directly interacting with students through Facebook Games Editors, I have invaluable experience to make & Twitter and having a meet-and-greet sessions. Felix the voice Imperial deserves. We need the max Furthermore, it is paramount for Felix to have a from Felix, so put Max in Felix! separate team to organise events and publicity, as well as a team of online editors to manage internet content.

Postgraduates are an important part of Imperial but Felix tends to ignore them. I will change the rounds to include distribution points in postgrad areas too. I will

Felix Editor Felix also encourage postgrads to submit articles about their research, making Felix more Imperial-centred. Big Elections 2014

Felix Editor

Philippa Felix needs a kick up the arse- and I’m the girl to - Remove the Union’s influence over Felix to keep the deliver it. voice of the students a priority. Skett - Provide training for editors so they have the skill sets I’ve written for Felix for three years now, been a section required to produce exceptional pages. editor for two (Science), and the Editor-In-Chief of - Reduce Union influence over Felix to keep the voice the I, Science magazine for one. I’ve worked for a press of the students a priority. office team outside of university, and I’m studying an - Eradicate redundant white spaces, inconsistently MSc in Science Communication. I know how real- formatted pages and spelling mistakes. life journalism works and how to take a publication - Enhance the social side of Felix! through to print; skills essential for any Felix Editor. Overall, I want to restore Felix to its former glory of an I plan to: intelligent, humourous publication that makes you feel - Overhaul the design and layout of the paper to keep just that little bit guilty if you start to doodle on it. it fresh-faced. - Publish news on our website as soon as it happens, so you don’t have to wait until Friday to find out what is going on across campus. - Make Felix funnier! I plan to deliver a bigger Hangman to keep you conscious through Friday lectures. - Encourage investigative journalism. - Revitalise Sports and News sections with dedicated

Felix Editor Felix writing teams for each, to ensure nothing falls outside the Felix radar. ICSMSU President

Dariush There is something special about ICSM students. We are different. We pride ourselves in having the best Welfare Hassanzadeh- medical students’ union in the UK. My extremely -Continue and expand on ICSMSU welfare campaigns active role within the extra-curricular life of ICSM, -Always have an open door so that you can discuss any Baboli coupled with my past involvement in ICSMSU as the issues whenever suits you best previous Clubs and Societies Officer, has allowed me to gain a wealth of experience that I hope will hold me in Careers excellent stead as ICSMSU President. -Work with NWTFS to ensure students receive advice and updates with regards to further If elected I will strive to: trainingEntertainments-Review ICSMSU events in order to increase attendance and cater towards all Education: students -Ensure all sites provide the best quality teaching, particularly with regards to the recent restructure of Clubs & Societies Year 3 -Use the experience I gained as Clubs & Societies -Provide drop-in sessions for educational advice officer to offer the best possible advice to ensure their financial sustainability Sites & Services: -Ensure common rooms across all sites are fully If given the opportunity it would be an absolute equipped for your needs and voice student opinion on honour to represent you as the next President further developments in the Reynolds building of ICSMSU. For more information visit www. VoteDariush.co.uk Graduates & Biomedical Scientists -Better integrate the Graduate Entry, Direct Entry and Biomedical students into ICSMSU, particularly at social events. ICSMSU President ICSMSU Big Elections 2014

Student Trustees Enric Hello, As the vice-chair of IC Sinfonietta I know that feeling. My name is Enric and I am a 2nd year Materials The union sabbaticals are sometimes very complicated Juan Alcocer student. If you are reading this it is probably because to approach and they do not respond to your issues you care about our Student Union and its smooth the way you would like them to be solved. I will running. That is what my job as a Student Trustee will democratize the Union by reporting their progress be: making sure that the Union does not diverge from to you through Felix and by having an open ‘virtual its aims, objectives and promises, and that it treats postbox’ where you can tell me your concerns. everyone fairly. Trust me to be your Trustee! One of my main duties will be to speak up for those Enric Juan societies and individuals who feel their voice is not heard in the Union council. I will deal with all sorts of issues including fair financing of all societies, especially those with fewer resources, so that the Union spending is just and equal. I will also keep track of the progress made by Union sabbaticals on promises made during their campaigns and that they are placing all their efforts in working to achieve these. Have you ever felt that your issues were not taken into consideration or ignored by the Union representatives?

Hiba Our Union manages revenues of £5 million per year. The role requires an active involvement in the College’s And one of the crucial roles of a Student Trustee is in governance and direction - and I’m about as keen, Saleem Danish overseeing how this money is filtered to provide wide- pro-active and committed as it gets. I want to improve ranging services and opportunities for you, the student the transparency and awareness of the executive body! committees, whilst introducing more effective channels of communication so that student views are In three years at Imperial, I’ve been lucky enough constantly addressed. to meet people from many different departments and now I’m running to be YOUR student trustee As your Student Trustee, I will work to build on the because I want to engage students, from all faculties, in Board’s previous successes to ensure we continue to important questions such as: where does all the Union improve upon the Union’s long-term strategies with funding go and what opportunities can the College YOU in mind, creating opportunities and driving offer you? change across all departments and student bodies - graduate and undergraduate - equally. As a current member of the Union Council, I have seen first-hand the power we have to drive real #VoteHiba - because you can trust in me. change to improve upon our university experience. I want to build on this experience as an accountable, representative and approachable voice for the student body, and work towards shaping the Union’s aims and objectives based on YOUR direct input.

Irina No manifesto supplied Moraru Student Trustees Student

It’s easy and quick to vote - anywhere the BIG You can also vote on your mobile phone! ELECTIONS Visit bit.ly/voteicu through your phone’s browser. 2014 Big Elections 2014

Shiladitya I’m Shil, a 2nd-Year ChemEnger from Singapore. Next organisations like StepChange, Arts Imperial, and year I wish to serve YOU as a Student Trustee of ICU, Imperial Hub to boost Imperial’s overall social, Ghosh to ensure that actions and plans drafted by the Union: cultural & environmental engagement... so YOU have a better chance to be involved all-round College life A. account for your interests and their official and help promote Imperial’s reputation, objectives, - Produce a *revamped* official FAQ for incoming B. keep the College’s reputation in mind, and students, based on the informal guide compiled yearly C. maintain fiscal prudence. on the Freshers Facebook Group so OUR juniors can better prepare themselves for life at Imperial. I ask for YOUR vote to put me in a prime position as a Student Trustee, to push for a number of directions for I’ve been involved with >25 clubs/societies (including the Union to consider heading in (so as to help YOU leadership roles) so you’ll definitely be in experienced and Imperial) such as but not limited to: hands if you vote for me!

1. Develop Imperial Plus and the Union’s Volunteer Accreditation System to more appropriately recognise the various Clubs, Societies & Projects’ volunteer officers’ efforts throughout the year so YOUR extra- curricular efforts are better documented for your future benefit, 2. Employ a more comprehensive framework to support the Constituent Unions (CGCU, RCSU, RSMU, ICSMSU) in their activities/events so they can serve YOU better from the start, 3. Garner more support for initiatives and

Tagore Hi, I’m Tagore, I’m a 4th year medic, and I’m running accountability and ensuring the long term viability to be one of your union trustees. The union is an of the union, and make sure mistakes made in the Nakornchai incredibly important part of your student life, and past are not repeated. I will continue attending union student trustees play a role behind the scenes in council meetings in order to monitor the smooth day- running it. to-day running of the union, as well as to voice your concerns. I won’t impress you with vague promises I have a wealth of experiences in various clubs and grand schemes that I’ll never be able to keep if committees, and have been a member of the union elected; that’s not what trustees are for. council for the last 2 years, first as an ICSMSU I am always available and contactable with various ordinary member, and this year as part of my role concerns and ideas. I’ve enjoyed representing you as Interfaith Officer. I have also played a role in the these past few years, and would love to continue doing Recreational clubs committee as a communications so! officer, facilitating inter-club communications as well as helping clubs out with grant applications.

I know how the union works, what it can do, as well as its limitations, so I will be able to keep the union and sabbatical officers in line, but also know when they’re doing all they can. I will focus on delivering

Thomas tl;dr I have broad experience across the Union, and am and to accept the significant responsibility of being a ready to accept the responsibility the Student Trustee Trustee. I want to give something back to the Union, Lim role entails. Vote for me, Thomas: a Trustee you can and I believe there is no better role than Student trust! Trustee.

Hi Imperial! I’m Thomas and in my third year of EEE. I have worked tightly with students and union staff I’ve seen the Union from a range of perspectives. I on various projects, and I am keen to continue to led EESoc (the Departmental Society for EEE), sat on help the Union improve the student experience. I Council for the past two years, and I’m the current have had significant exposure to decision making and System Administrator (writing the Mums and Dads challenging conventional thought, both of which are matching algorithm!) for the Union (and was a year needed for a strong Trustee board to look after the rep!). When it comes to ICU, I really have seen it all - Union. pun intended! Vote for Thomas, a Trustee you can trust! The Trustee Board supervises the Union’s long term strategy, approves legal and financial decisions, and is the last step in the appeals process. My in depth knowledge of all parts of the Union is key to being a good Trustee. The roles I have taken in the Union put me in good stead to oversee the Union’s activities, Student Trustees Student Big Elections 2014

Council Chair Irina Confused about what’s going on?It’s simple.I can help you in 3 simple steps: Moraru 1Vote IRINA 2Proceed to the next position 3Repeat step 1

Paul The role of the Council Chair is to be impartial, discussions had, making it easier for you to learn what allowing for fair and open debate at Union Council, the people representing you to College and nationally Beaumont as well as independently representing the views of are doing (without having to trawl through reams of students expressed at Council to the Union Trustee meetings’ minutes!). Board. - I intend to support every student who would like to As ex-President of the Union, I am well informed raise issue or request something from the Union by of the Union’s procedures and processes, having simplifying the process for the submission of papers implemented the current Constitution & Bye-Laws, and ideas for discussion. and having been held responsible to Council and chairing the Union’s Executive Committee in 2012/13. Sabbaticals and officers are there for you (I know, I’ve When President, I worked to increase the number of been one!), and whilst Council has been strong in relevant student issues being discussed at Council, analysing sabb’s proposals, there is an opportunity for though am aware it is still a body not well understood others to initiate discussion, making the Union truly by many: student-led. With my previous experience, I believe I am the best candidate to facilitate this for you. - If elected as Council Chair I aim to encourage more open and free discussion through fair and effective chairing.

- I would disseminate information widely to all students with reports to Felix and The Tab on relevant

Stephen Council has a hugely important role in our Union: it support Council in being proactive in dealing with is the place where our voices can truly be heard and is concerns. Why should we wait for College to fail at Ball where the true power in the Union lies. Council needs supporting our needs before we act? The consultation a Chair who can ensure that meetings are purposeful framework currently being worked on by the Union and effective. President should allow us to be better informed about changes, but unless Council acts on matters then there As Council Chair I will: will be little gain. - bring professionalism to meetings. We might not be being paid but doesn’t mean we can’t speak and act to For more information and my full manifesto visit: high standards. Accepting anything less from members http://pageeasy.com/councilchair/ results in a Council which does not work well together or for us. I am a third year undergraduate physicist and am Chairman of RCS Motor Club. I have previously sat on - ensure that your representatives are being effective. the Governing Board of a National Youth Organisation I will ensure that it easy for you to check on your and attended various other committees and meetings, representatives’ attendance at meetings and on the including the British Youth Council. matters that have decided

- why should you have to wait a month (or longer) to see what decisions have been taken by Council Council Chair Council - put student issues at the top of the Agenda and

the BIG ELECTIONS 2014 Visit imperialcollegeunion.org/vote to cast your vote! Big Elections 2014

CGCU President

Robert No manifesto supplied O’Keeffe

Timothy Hi I’m Tim, I’m a Third year Civil Engineer and I’m CGCU! currently the CGCU Regalia Officer. However I haven’t -Prioritise Academic Affairs and Welfare Munday just spent this year restocking the ties and scarves; -Run Events Members Actually Want I went CGCU crazy. I’ve helped organise and run -Promote our Historic Links with the City of London events such as the mince pie giveaway and C&G Week, and the CGCA been involved in the yearly budgeting process for the -Set long term objectives and plans for a better CGCU entire CGCU and I even helped out the Academic and Welfare officers from time to time.Now I think So vote for experience, vote for someone who knows the CGCUs great, as an organisation it’s got a lot of what to do, vote for Tim. potential to make studying engineering at Imperial so much better. But in no way do I think it’s perfect, being on the committee this year has given me real experience of the challenges and problems faced by the CGCU. I know how the CGCU works and why it doesn’t work. I know how to make CGCU better. CGCU needs to stop being run like a club that provides two events for Freshers a year and start to be run as an actual union. After all the CGCU represents all of us academically to the Faculty, looks after our welfare and is responsible for all the DepSocs and CGCU President CGCU other engineering societies.I want to put U back in Graduate Students’ Union President

Nida Hey I’m Nida, a first year PhD student and the current voice to represent them. International Officer in our Union, I’ve been at - Implement a Buddy System where new PhD students Mahmud Imperial since I have been an undergraduate so I know can speak to older students for advice. how everything works really well. - Organise and support campaigns relating to PhD issues; e.g. tuition fees, academic, and accommodation. Postgraduate student at Imperial are at the forefront - Have 1:1 drop in sessions for students.- Get Staff for of the research done, but the experience they have as a the GSU. student should be the best. - Push for greater PG student representation in the union. I’m enthusiastic and passionate about the representation of our PG students. I’ve been News Vote Nida for a united future! Editor for Felix for the last two years. During my time at Imperial I’ve been a Hall Senior, a Year Rep, on Union Council, a member of the Welfare Board and a member of the Executive Committee. I have spent time doing either research or studying across four different departments at Imperial, so I have a good idea about the areas that need improvement. If elected, I will strive to: - Provide a greater spectrum of events for postgraduates; ranging from careers events, cultural events and socials that cater for everyone. - Campaign against government policies that impact GSU Presudent students the hardest. - Ensure PG students have a strong and dedicated

the BIG ELECTIONS Visit imperialcollegeunion.org/vote to cast your vote! 2014 Big Elections 2014

Hassan As Imperial College postgraduates, we are the key I’m looking forward to work with all of you to get the players to keep Imperial as a world-class university best out of our postgraduate life at Imperial College. Ahmadzadeh and resolve the challenges faced by the world today. To achieve this, I am looking to improve the quality of GSU activities, as the main Imperial College postgraduate community. Having been the Academic and Welfare Officer, member of the current GSU executive committee, and postgraduates representative this year, has given me the experience of leading an executive committee, how to influence the college committees’ decisions and how to collaborate towards a common goal. My past commitments have given me insight into the structure, the strengths and weaknesses of the GSU and also the changes which can be made to improve the postgraduate quality, which will certainly be of benefit as GSU president. In particular, as a president of the GSU I will work to: -Empower postgraduate students; I will make sure your voices are heard at all levels across the college to ensure the quality of all postgraduate-facing services. -Develop more effective representation system and feedback mechanism among postgraduates so that all postgraduates can affect the college decisions about their studies. -Improve your welfare quality by coordinating various numbers of social events for postgraduates (research does not mean to be always in the lab or behind your

GSU Presudent computer). -Facilitate postgraduates’ tuition fees payment (I know tuition fees are sometimes very frustrating)

RCSU President

Alberto No manifesto supplied Perez Robledo

Benjamin Hi! I’m Ben Fernando, RAG Treasurer and captain of up our reputation for brilliant events: increasing Imperial’s University Challenge team. the capacity of our Balls whilst also having events Fernando throughout the year to cater to those who don’t like to In my nine years as a charity fundraiser, effectively drink. running my own branch of an international With regard to representation and welfare, we development charity and sitting on committees that need to strengthen our academic support network. have raised over £200,000, I’ve learnt how to manage We will work with our DepSocs to improve the an organisation on the scale of the RCSU in an efficient Wiki note-sharing facilities, whilst also improving and financially transparent way. Not one of the events the Mums&Dads scheme and working with our I’ve ever run (the craziest of which was my attempt departments to make the Personal Tutor system more to climb 5,554m up Mount Everest) has ever been a effective, with specific emphasis on mental health failure. support.

As Union Council Rep I’ve pushed hard on issues In a nutshell, I think the RCSU needs to reach out to that matter to you as RCSU students, like scrapping its students more and stand up for us when we need it entrance fees to Sports Nights. In my two years as Year to. Rep in Physics I’ve worked with the department to implement a fairer exam system with more consistent feedback. RCSU President RCSU As RCSU president, I will make sure that we keep Big Elections 2014

Cecile Hey everyone! they would like to see more career events that are not banking based. If elected, I would incorporate more Borkhataria My name is Cecile and I’m running for RCSU sectors such as Science Communication, PR and president. I am currently the RCSU Vice-President health economics in career talks. and last year I was elected as Academic Affairs Officer. Having had two years of experience on the RCSU, I Euro trip - Next year, I’d like for RCSU students have the necessary skills and understanding of how the to have the chance to go abroad with their fellow RCSU is run to make it an unforgettable year for all of scientists for an affordable getaway weekend. us: Stronger academic representation - In my role as AAO, As president, I would plan: I learnt that students were particularly concerned about exam feedback and coursework guidance. If More memorable events - RCSU events are always elected, I will strongly lobby to obtain these. big nights on our calendars, and I feel that they can be even better! We can spice up customary balls with Broader events - I would introduce a range of events add ons such as performing acts, tasty treats and much that cater to all interests, such as poker tournaments, more! More events in collaboration with other faculty gaming events and tea parties! unions will allow for a larger budget and new exciting venues. Vote for a year you’ll never forget, vote Cecile!

Broader career events - Students often tell me that

Irina Confused about what’s going on?It’s simple.I can help you in 3 simple steps: Moraru 1Vote IRINA 2Proceed to the next position 3Repeat step 1

Serena Hi! I’m a second year physicist and the current -Introduce a new “Buddies” system for students going treasurer of the Imperial College Physics Society - I on a year abroad. This will enable them to meet other Yuen helped organise the first international PhySoc trip to students who are going or who have gone to the same CERN for 35 students and have increased sponsorship foreign university. by getting a record number of sponsors for the society, meaning more frequent and varied events could be put -Hold more frequent Mums and Dads events on for our members than ever before! throughout the year.

I want to spread that success to the RCSU - I already -Increase levels of outreach and science have a good idea of how DepSocs function and, if communication by building awareness of RCSU elected, would: Broadsheet and improving prizes and judges for the annual Science Challenge. -Use existing contacts to secure sponsorship and further subsidise events. Furthermore, I am not afraid to speak my opinion and will act with the best interests of members at heart. -Hold barnights at the start and end of each term, Vote for more, vote for Serena and increase opportunities available to ride Jezebel at RCSU Balls.

-Increase the number and variety of careers events, especially during the first term when most students apply for internships or graduate places.

-Provide more opportunity for interdepartmental RCSU President RCSU collaboration, and hold an RCSU Sports Day in the summer term.

You should list Re-Open Nominations (RON) as a preference if you feel that the RON candidates you have not yet listed are not suitable for that position. Big Elections 2014

RSMU President

Alexander I’m Alex Mytenka and I’m running for RSMU Greater cross-departmental events; to appreciate each president because I want to make a difference to all life department and the aspects which link us together. Mytenka within RSM. (Materials main floor need bigger lockers similar to As assistant station manager of STOIC and secretary of ESE common-room) Media I demonstrate leadership, and as part of a team of likeminded people to ensure that we can make life 2. Lay the ground work for a long term strategy within the RSM better. to broaden the RSM’s influence and importance within Imperial; ensuring that presidents after me will My campaign is 2-fold: not have large battles to put us pride of place within Imperial. 1. Improve RSM as a whole, focusing on improving Material participation and influence For greater importance on the bottle match, getting within the RSM, bringing the two departments closer everyone at Imperial excited for it: long term goal of together; helping us to improve and share in our eventually making it as important as the varsity match. successes. Short term: Increasing our ties with media societies, Broadening our use of social media to engage students, e.g. Radio, STOIC and FELIX, we can present who we and increasing other opportunities for student are and why people should care, to a much broader communication. audience.

Increasing communication and co-operation between all departmental societies to help each other, share ideas and improving their respective abilities to organise events and increase student enthusiasm and participation.

Aneesh Much like Team GB’s bid for the gold medal in the events with bar tabs at a variety of venues Curling Final at the Winter Olympics my candidacy Misra for RSMU President is dynamic, exhilarating and has -Improved relationships between the student and the women weak at the knees. In line with the concept employer within Curling; ‘the harder you stroke, the further it goes’, I believe in going that extra mile, regardless of - Securing summer internships has always been an how much stroking that needs to be done. issue for undergraduates and I want to work with the teaching staff in devising new ways of making I want to give something back to a close-knit family this more accessible -Introducing relationships with that has given many memorable experiences during charities my time at university. My involvement within the RSM has ranged from my role on the Committee as the PIT- - The RSM lacks any association to local charities, Licity Officer and within the Rugby team’s efforts of and I want to introduce events where not only we as retaining the Bottle this year in Camborne. a union can have good time but also give something A vote for me will mean: back to the community.

-Better funded social events So as the Dalai Lama once said ‘You’ve got the love to see me through.. - My experiences within school and university have allowed me to establish relationships with companies Vote Aneesh! willing to support the RSM. This will allow us to host

Benjamin I've spent my second year as a Royal Miner aboard three where long lasting bonds within the RSM are formed of the RSM committees. As RSM Hockey President, and where from my experience both hockey and DLB Warnick Men's Hockey Captain and DLB treasurer I have learnt have had the most success in getting fresher's involved. a huge amount about the inner workings of both the Furthermore I will strengthen bonds with the union RSMU and the ICU. As a part of my hockey role I to ensure that traditional RSM events such as Fresher's managed to secure tour funding by presenting in front Dinner are safeguarded and to maintain the high of the CSPB which has given me a good insight into standards of events and participation throughout the how the union at large is run. Furthermore, as DLB year; with emphasis on the fantastic clubs, sports teams treasurer I have been actively involved in every step of and societies that the RSM offers us. In short I will organising trips, talks and social events. continue to uphold the traditions that make the RSM such a wonderful and unique place to study whilst still As President I will aim to improve participation in updating and streamlining the way it is run.

RSMU President the union by encouraging the DepSocs and sports teams to put on more events early in the term as this is Vote Ben! x

46 FRIDAY 07 MAR

Editor: John Park FILM [email protected] Two versions of Anchorman 2

mour). It’s as quotable as the original take doesn’t exist for those shots. For Jack Steadman in places (the level of improvisation al- Jack Steadman the majority, though, this is an enor- Treasured Writer lowed over the top of the baseline ma- Treasured Writer mous quantity of new material, and it terial creates some corkers), although completely changes the feel and flow it’s never quite so brilliantly fresh. The of the film. Several character beats original is so ingrained into almost are altered or dropped entirely, and everyone’s brains that the idea of the Anchorman 2: The the ending (along with a few other Anchorman 2: The jokes (and film) going in the direction Legend Continues... minor scenes) is changed entirely. It’s Legend Continues you least expect is kind of the direc- Continued also twenty minutes longer, which is tion you most expect it to go. Which seriously bordering on taking the piss Director: Adam McKay kills it slightly. In the moment, though, Director: Adam McKay for a film like this, although it doesn’t Writers: Will Ferrell, Adam McKay, that point is irrelevant. For those two Writers: Will Ferrell, Adam McKay, actually feel twenty minutes longer. Starring: Will Ferrell, Steve Carell, hours of cinema, almost everything Starring: Will Ferrell, Steve Carell, Whether that’s because the original Christina Applegate, Paul Rudd, about this film is hilarious, apart from Christina Applegate, Paul Rudd, felt too damn long already, or because David Koechner, Dylan Baker, Megan the few bits that aren’t. David Koechner, Dylan Baker, Megan I fell asleep (I didn’t, to my knowl- Good, James Marsden, Kristen Wiig, If you’ll forgive that painfully ob- Good, James Marsden, Kristen Wiig, edge), I don’t know (I do, it’s because Greg Kinnear vious tautology, there are some no- Greg Kinnear the original – the original sequel, that Runtime: 119 minutes ticeable flaws in Anchorman 2. Most Runtime: 119 minutes is, because this isn’t confusing enough Certification: 15 notably: it’s too damn long, meaning Certification: 15 – was too long, I didn’t fall asleep). it joins my ever growing list of films Weirdly, where dragging out jokes which would have been so much bet- the first time around had a habit of ter if they’d spent longer in the edit- killing them, here, the multiple se- ing suite and less time on the screen. quences that are significantly pro- Several of the jokes are drawn out – in longed from their predecessors actu- Anchorman 2 has been a long time some cases, that’s the point, it’s where So, thanks to the nature of the filming ally feel funnier, as being given more coming. Ten years, in fact. Partially the laughs come from, in others, it kills of Anchorman 2, as with the original, room to breathe allows them to open due to the length of time it took for the the laughter dead. Plus, with the only there exists an (almost) entirely differ- up far better. It’s almost a reversal of original film to actually turn a profit/ semi-relevant plot (as before), it can’t ent cut of the film. Same situations, quality – some of the weakest scenes become the absurdly large cult hit it is help but feel like things lose their way different jokes. In some cases, com- become the strongest, and vice versa. today (which is sort of a pre-requisite slightly, leaving the film feeling like it’s pletely different spins on the storyline. Ultimately though, it’s a very weird for being a cult hit, in a way), partially treading water at various points, firing Which is inevitably what you’re go- feeling watching this, especially when due to the multiple other commit- off gags to distract you from its lack of ing to get when you film ‘actual’ takes you’ve become familiar with the origi- ments of the various creative types movement. based around a solid script, then just nal. Jokes you’ve grown to anticipate involved, partially due to some major There’s also heavy recycling of the let some insanely funny and smart fail to appear, with entirely different questions over whether a sequel was old scenarios, often adopting the people lose to improvise their way punchlines appearing in their place, worth it or could ever actually be any tried-and-tested sequel method of around it. although there are welcome appear- good. The law of sequels is a brutal making it bigger. Again, in the mo- Of course, this around, what with ances from gags that made it into the one, and – certainly from my memo- ment – it’s hilarious. The news team the sequel being ‘bigger’ in every trailers but not the final cut, which ry/the list from Scream 2, none of the battle in particular is a stand-out mo- way, this alternate cut hasn’t just is a nice ‘familiar yet unfamiliar yet few exceptions that do exist are, in the ment, but it’s still just repeating the gone straight to DVD. No, it’s come technically familiar’ moment. If that strictest sense (Scream 2 arguably be- same gags as before with different out – for one week only, and for Ron makes any sense, which I’m almost ing the closest, and that was a horror faces and different stakes. Burgundy’s last cinematic outing, ac- certain it doesn’t. film first and foremost), not comedies. Throw in some obvious satire which cording to director Adam McKay – in I feel slightly bad for scoring this, So the odds are very much against An- makes a really relevant point (which cinemas. With “763 (approx.)” new what with it being a derivative, alter- chorman 2: The Pointless Subtitles are is then mostly ignored), and a few jokes, if the posters are to be believed. native work rather than an actual film, Back here. jokes where it feels like maybe we’re I didn’t count, for the record. That’s per se, but the fact that much of the In the broadest possible sense, An- being uncomfortably invited to laugh effort. material – while funny – just isn’t as chorman 2 somehow manages to at Brick and Chani, and Anchorman What isn’t effort, though, is spot- funny as the jokes in the final cut, per- defy those horrible odds. It’s snigger- 2 eventually boils out to more hits ting the few moments of old material haps somewhat obviously, means it’s inducing from the start, and there’s than misses. It’s much more fun if (I say ‘old’, I mean ‘from the first film a weaker little cousin. It’s still good, enough material packed in here to you loved the original, and if you go that only came out in November and and it wouldn’t have been too much of guarantee at least a few out-and-out in fully aware that this is very much so is only ‘old’ in sense of the lifespan a disappointment if this had been the uncontrollable fits of laughter (assum- designed to hit all those buttons again, of a fly or something’) that creep in. real thing. But that doesn’t mean I’m ing, of course, you were a fan of the just harder. And for a longer period of Presumably a funnier, or as funny, not glad it wasn’t. original’s slightly surreal sense of hu- time. FRIDAY 07 MAR 47

@feliximperial

FelixImperial FILM

Lars von Trier: Danish troublemaker 2

with absolutely no violence, very little Not helping, are her bitterly divorced John Park soundtrack, relying completely on the Melancholia parents, who have reluctantly united Film Editor atmosphere of the creepy forest. Von under one roof for the sake of their Trier clearly shows that He and She Director: Lars von Trier daughter’s wedding. But of course, not are changing simultaneously with the Writer: Lars von Trier everything goes smoothly. Their fierce environment. As the events start get- Starring: Kirsten Dunst, Charlotte and possibly a little drunk mother Antichrist ting more and more disturbing, and as Gainsbourg, Alexander Skarsgård, (the unforgettably sharp and piercing they occur more and more frequently, Charlotte Rampling, Kiefer Charlotte Rampling) openly lashes out Director: Lars von Trier their attitudes towards one another Sutherland at her ex-husband who is proudly ac- Writer: Lars von Trier become more hateful, fuelled by anger Runtime: 136 minutes companied by a younger lover, and is Starring: Willem Dafoe, Charlotte and lust. Certification: 15 AWOL during most of the party. She Gainsbourg To an extent, why these two char- is highly uncooperative, and we begin Runtime: 108 minutes acters end up in such a psychologi- to wonder why she came to this in the Certification: 18 cal mess is explained. They are both first place. This tense, uncomfortable wrecked with guilt, She being more atmosphere is not what Claire’s filthy affected than He. Their feelings be- rich husband John (Kiefer Sutherland) come repressed until She snaps and Kirsten Dunst’s Cannes Best Actress wanted, who incidentally paid for eve- spirals out of control. This process is Award winning performance in Lars rything himself. portrayed perfectly by the two leads. von Trier’s Melancholia is certainly The stress becomes unbearable for There’s a fine line between what’s art Gainsbourg is so utterly convincing worth a look, even if the Danish di- the already damaged Justine, and after and what’s downright filth and por- that even at the slightest hint of her rector frequently causing trouble and the disaster that is her wedding recep- nography. Blue Velvet is art, Caligula mind deviating from sanity, we are all stirring up controversies (the latest tion, she suffers a breakdown. And this most certainly is not, and as for Inti- naturally bracing ourselves for some- one being von Trier admitting that he is one of many aspects in which Dunst macy, I can argue for both. Lars von thing terrible. Dafoe tries desperately understands Hitler which invited all excels in her mature, sincere perfor- Trier enjoys pushing the boundaries to help her but ends up becoming a sorts of criticism from international mance. She doesn’t have an emotional with his films but his most recent An- victim to her cruel acts. They have ter- press) is not greatly to your liking. freak-out, but instead slowly descends violent protagonist. Here she is much tichrist is his most challenging film rific chemistry together, showing their His films are depressing, and almost into a state of complete hollow mental quieter and restrained, although not yet. There have been so many stories deteriorating relationship with plenty always see victimised women getting state in which she cannot bring herself without the usual intensity the tal- surrounding the film, so many con- of energy. into unimaginably difficult situa- to do or care for anything. Her per- ented actress can portray on screen. demning the violence that a lot of So the discomforting setting and tions through very little fault of their formance is a wonderfully measured She cannot stop obsessing over Mel- people I know went to satisfy their cu- both actors have been very successful own. A rule to which Melancholia is and grounded one, firmly holding on ancholia’s size and the proximity of riosity. Half of them walked out and a so far at giving us plenty of terror. Did no exception. This time, the world is to the film’s emotional core. Dunst the planet to Earth, and towards the few of them ran out at some point in von Trier really need to go into all the ending, and not in the metaphorical reportedly used her own experience second half it’s Justine, the younger, the film. To be fair, there were people violence? Was excessive violence yet way. Life on Earth will actually come from depression as a source for play- seemingly more damaged sibling, hav- fainting and walking out at the Cannes another one of his brave experimen- to an abrupt finish. There is a large ing her character. Well it works, and ing to stand firm whilst her older sis- Film Festival so who can blame them? tal cinematic techniques? We’ll never planetary body called Melancholia. it works brilliantly. Distancing herself ter turns into a blubbering mess. The film is divided into four chap- know, since his interviews provide no What was suspected to pass harm- from everyone, including her husband Von Trier has that exceptional skill ters plus a prologue and an epilogue. detailed insight into how he came to lessly is now on a head-on collision and her sister, she is constantly in a of turning the most unlikely sub- Within five minutes into the film, write and direct this film. course, and there is nothing anyone blank, self-destructive state, and eve- ject into extraordinarily beautiful art there’s a graphic sex scene which quite Antichrist should most preferably be can do to stop that. But the planet it- rything becomes meaningless to the form. Some perceive this as preten- proudly shows the male genitalia in seen on your own. If you at no point self serves no further purpose than for heroine. tious offering, but what he manages (God help us) slow-motion. Whilst cry, faint, run out of the room or vom- von Trier to subject his female charac- However there is one thing that in Melancholia is simply gorgeous to He (Willem Dafoe) and She (Char- it, you’ve done well for yourself. Such ters through some tough ordeals. This Justine becomes fascinated by: the look at, although the most dramatic lotte Gainsbourg) are having passion- a shame: the atmospheric, artistic be- the director staying true to his style incoming planet. Convinced that the moments do require patience to truly ate sex, their young child falls out of ginning was shaping up to be one of and trademark, whilst incorporating a Earth they are currently living on is set in. He is terribly fond of that Wag- a window and dies. Already, the film the most original recent horror mov- new theme. ‘evil’, Justine welcomes the planet, and ner soundtrack, which he uses to its is giving off an incredibly disturbing ies. But then von Trier had to overload Of course, most characters are not is not afraid of the inevitable conse- maximum level as it crescendoes and and sinister vibe. Trying to deal with the screen with horrific violence to- initially aware of this mysterious for- quence. Claire, who has a lot more crescendoes to the whopping big fi- their grief, they travel to Eden, a cabin wards the end. eign planet that will mark the end of to lose, acts differently. As the seem- nale. It’s an awe-inspiring, unforget- in the middle of the woods detached their lives. We look at the complex ingly calm and collected one taking tably charged moment of wonder, from the rest of the world. Since He lives of two sisters, Justine (Dunst) care of her younger sibling in the first from a director who usually tends to is a psychiatrist, they try therapy but and Claire (Charlotte Gainsbourg). half, she becomes paranoid whenever stay away from using grand special when nature that surrounds them Justine, the younger of the two, has the planet becomes larger in her eyes. effects. But von Trier never forgets start turning more and more evil and just gotten married to a charming, Despite her idealistic and optimistic whose story he wants to tell. This is sinister, you know they won’t last long dedicated man (Alexander Skarsgård), husband’s assurance that Melancholia about the mental unravelling of two at all. although she does not seem to be over will cause no harm, Claire’s mind also sisters facing the apocalypse, and he All the horror stories involving the the moon about her nuptials. She ap- starts to wobble, at the thought of los- never steers away from his pitch-per- explicit nature of this film are all true. pears to be a victim of depression, and ing everyone she loves, including her fect, outstanding leads. It’s not an easy There’s female castration, ejaculation her highly unpredictable, repressed innocent young son. film to watch by any means, any film of blood, self-harm, and the list goes behaviour that struggles to sustain her Claire and Justine don’t share the by von Trier carries with it a certain on and on. How someone comes up marriage and even herself threatens to easiest of relationships and this is kind of expectation that it won’t be a with these ideas is beyond me and if ruin her existence. After a lengthy, in- shown clearly through yet another mood-lifting, particularly joyful film, you can’t handle violence and gore, it’s tense slow-motion opening in which excellent female performance in this but the gripping dynamic between obviously best to avoid this. the thunderous soundtrack from film. Gainsbourg, although showing the two central women, surrounded But before the final act, the film Wagner’s Tristan and Isolde signals warmth towards her sister, also lets by impending disaster, is completely remains relatively calm, moving at a the world’s end, and the audience gets out some cold air towards her, letting original, and oddly sensational. The steady pace, engaging the audience a glimpse of ‘The End’, we focus back her frustration and annoyance seep director’s reputation and his anti-so- with some intense character develop- to Justine, heading up to her sister’s through in her steadfast treatment cial nature might have made the film ment. The build-up towards these hor- lavish countryside mansion for her of Justine. Hers is also an impeccably hard to advertise for and to attract rific violent sexual acts is in fact very after-party, in which many wedding layered and detailed performance, much attention upon its release, but impressive. How von Trier uses trees, traditions are supposed to be carried one that beautifully matches Dunst’s. now that the controversy has almost animals (one of them is a talking fox, out (the first dance, the cutting of the Gainsbourg has worked with von Tri- settled down, it’s about time to focus growling “chaos reigns”), grass, and cake, etc.). But looking so distant and er before in the much more graphic on his actual work, without prejudice, even conkers to bring out the charac- vulnerable, we worry whether she will and unsubtle Antichrist, in which she and marvel at his wondrous new cin- ters’ deepest, darkest fears is handled make it through the night. played a mentally unstable, ultimately ematic achievement. 48 FRIDAY 07 MAR

Editor: John Park FILM [email protected] The big winners of 2014

2014 Academy Awards

Best Picture: 12 Years a Slave Best Actor in a Leading Role: Matthew McConaughey (Dallas Buyers Club) Best Actress in a Leading Role: Cate Blanchett (Blue Jasmine) Best Actor in a Supporting Role: Jared Leto (Dallas Buyers Club) Best Actress in a Supporting Role: Lupita Nyong’o (12 Years a Slave) Best Director: Alfonso Cuarón (Gravity) Best Screenplay (Original): Spike Jonze (Her) Best Screenplay (Adapted): John Ridley (12 Years a Slave) Best Animated Film: Frozen Best Foreign Language Film: The Great Beauty Best Cinematography: Gravity Best Editing: Gravity Best Production Design: The Great Gatsby Best Costume Design: The Great Gatsby Best Makeup and Hairstyling: Dallas Buyers Club Best Original Score: Gravity Best Original Song: Let it Go (Frozen) Best Sound Mixing: Gravity Best Sound Editing: Gravity Best Visual Effects: Gravity Best Documentary: 20 Feet from Stardom Best Documentary, Short Subject: The Lady in Number 6 Best Short Film, Animated: Mr Hublot Best Short Film, Live Action: Helium

2014 Independent Spirit Awards

Best Feature: 12 Years a Slave Best First Feature: Fruitvale Station Best Male Lead: Matthew McConaughey (Dallas Buyers Club) Best Female Lead: Cate Blanchett (Blue Jasmine) Best Supporting Male: Jared Leto (Dallas Buyers Club) Best Supporting Female: Lupita Nyong’o (12 Years a Slave) Best Director: Steve McQueen (12 Years a Slave) Best Screenplay: John Ridley (12 Years a Slave) Best First Screenplay: Bob Nelson (Nebraska) Best International Film: Blue is the Warmest Colour Best Cinematography: 12 Years a Slave Best Editing: Short Term 12 John Cassavetes Award: This is Martin Bonner Truer than Fiction Award: Let the Fire Burn Someone to Watch Award: Shaka King Producers Award: Toby Halbrooks, James M. Johnston Robert Altman Award: Mud

50 FRIDAY 07 MAR

Editors: John Park, Emily Fulham TELEVISION [email protected] The sound of cringe

John Park Television Editor

The Sound of Music Live!

The Sound of Music is without doubt in this special one-off television event. stands out is the four-time Tony-win- a real tribute to the musical itself that one of the most beloved films of all The love story between the two ning Audra McDonald who can both even decades after the stage premiere, time whether you like it or not. There characters is of course a massive sell- sing and act (sadly a rare find in this there are songs that are still catchy and isn’t a Christmas that goes by without ing point, one that Julie Andrews and remake event). Her belting, operatic hummable, which goes to show the Julie Andrews running on top of a hill Christopher Plummer forever forged rendition of ‘Climb Every Mountain’ is love for The Sound of Music will not singing at the top of her lungs, making in their 1965 hit film, although noth- powerfully resonating to say the least be dying out no matter who does what the moody yet a-true-softie-at-heart ing of the sort is remotely replicated and as a firm mother-figure to Maria, to butcher the talky gaps in between Christopher Plummer fall in love with here. There is no heart, no chemistry, she has a brief but crucial and memo- the music. her, dressing the von Trapp children in and no passion. The two leads appear rable role, one that is filled by a much Being a live television production those hideous curtain clothes and to- as though this is a massive chore for accomplished actress. rather than a one-stage set perfor- gether sneakily escaping the Nazis in them, and granted, performing live The young cast, which includes the mance, the show uses its freedom to their final moment of hurrah. And so for so long cannot be easy, but there is seven von Trapp children, are there to move around in between the different it’s understandable why there was so something so mechanical and robotic look sweet and harmonise well, which background sets built. Scene transi- much social media hate and concern about their performances that no con- they do, even though Rolf (Michael tions are generally smooth, although when American Idol winning coun- vincing, smooth potrayal is ever in Campayno), the Nazi boyfriend of von the incredibly plain-looking back- try music star Carrie Underwood was sight throughout the three-hour run- Trapp’s eldest, Liesl (Ariane Rinehart), drops only further reflect the serious chosen to play the lead, something the ning time (that thankfully takes into is clearly not “17 going on 18” as he limitations of the production quality. von Trapps themselves were not too account commercial breaks – the ac- sings in possibly one of the most mi- Having been watched by over 18 happy about, instead suggesting Acad- tual show runs for around two hours). sogynistic songs of all time. The two of million people in the States upon its emy Award-winning Anne Hathaway The wonky, dubious accent of Laura them are also required to roll around debut in December 2013, NBC has for the role. Benanti, as the posh Baroness Elsa on some very limited-space outdoor signed Craig Zadan and Neil Meron, Is Underwood as dreadful as peo- Schrader so obviously trying to se- set design that looks more dangerous the two creators responsible for this ple thought she was going to be? Not duce her way into Captain von Trapp’s than romantic. tacky rehash, to produce even more quite. The good thing is she can sing, pants (clearly not thinking through Despite the surprising omission of live television presentations stage and yodel too. She of course does not the seven children she’ll have to in- the song ‘I have confidence’, the musi- shows. Please, please, please leave carry the finely tuned, piercing voice herit along with his estates) is at times, cal numbers translate well, with sim- some of the greats alone. Nothing to of Julie Andrews, but the more gutsy, unintentionally hilarious. ple but neat choreography to delight do with The Phantom or Les Mis. Hav- forceful interpretation of the ‘Good The only performer who really and put us all in a cheery mood. It’s ing feature films is good enough. Girl’ singer works just fine. It’s only when she stops singing and has to act that problems start to emerge. Her de- livery of lines is so flat and monoto- nous that it often feels like the audi- ence is being subjected to a primary school amateur production of the musical. She may have won Grammys, but she will not be winning any acting Oscars any time soon for sure. The opposite is true for Stephen Moyer as Captain von Trapp. He can act, but he can’t sing. Thankfully the number of times he’s required to do this is scarce compared to the times Underwood has to speak, but the all- important ‘Edelweiss’ and the ‘Some- thing Good’ duet lack a strong emo- tional punch because of this. Watch as Moyer struggles through his solo: his toe-curlingly cringe-worthy interpre- tation of ‘Edelweiss’ is almost unbear- able, which goes to show the best has definitely not been saved for the last FRIDAY 07 MAR 51

@feliximperial

FelixImperial TELEVISION Culture returns to the Idiots’ Lantern Ryan Ehlers takes a ride in Stewart Lee’s Comedy Vehicle

am culture,” declares a delusional your home”. He has not, he assures us, sorts of things.”(7) Lee doesn’t take himself down, and justify his ranting, (4) A medium he shares with Ber- and ranting Stewart Lee in the seen Breaking Bad. long to start wheeling out his usual by beginning the series with the claim nard Manning, Jim Davidson, Frankie final episode of the new series “I am culture,” and yet here he is, tics. There’s a pre-prepared note, that Lee Mack has attacked him as “a Boyle, and historical court jesters. of Comedy Vehicle, 30 minute snarling at us through our idiots’ lan- imaginary phone conversations with cultural bully from the Oxbridge ma- (5) It looks a bit like this. episodes of stand-up comedy. terns once again. This tension between his hand, claims that he doesn’t really fia,” and supposedly he is merely re- (6) Bo Burnham captures it wonder- IHe lists some admittedly impeccable his apparent high culture pretensions know what he’s doing, pausing to al- sponding to defend himself. On top of fully in his song Art is Dead: “Have credentials: books published by and his low culture medium(4) is one of low the audience to guess a punch line this, the show is cut throughout with you ever been to a birthday party for Faber and Faber(1) (“not Tesco’s own Lee’s favourite subjects, even when he before he delivers it anyway, thematic claustrophobic shots of Chris Morris children, and one of the children won’t brand”), having co-written and is not addressing it directly. His books consistency unusual for a stand-up (The Day Today, Brass Eye) interro- stop screaming? […] I am an artist. directed an award-winning opera(2), consist of transcripts of his stand-up show, and insistent repetitions (“I am gating and antagonising Lee, who is Please don’t revere me… I am an art- having curated jazz festivals, and sets, carefully introduced and con- culture,” declares Stewart Lee). There visibly a broken man. Lee is in turn “a ist. You’re free to correct me… I’m just performed John Cage pieces to paying textualised, and densely, ironically are hints that his idiosyncratic style charlatan”, “[like] the devil”, “like a mad a kid.” audiences. He does not count among annotated(5) as if they were serious might finally be becoming wearing(8), old pope”(11). For now, he continues to (7) Lee’s words. these credentials the BAFTA that the literature. It’s a theme that American drained of its power to shock, but this just about get away with it. (8) This might be the point. At any second series of Comedy Vehicle won comedians have been quick to pick up first episode is among the most ac- “I am culture,” declares a delusional rate, I suspect Lee would approve of in 2010 for Best Comedy Program(3). on, though none are as thoughtful or cessible 30 minutes of stand-up he’s and ranting Stewart Lee in the final this response, insistent that continued This is perhaps unsurprising, funny as Stewart Lee(6). done and these tics are still new for a episode of the new series of Comedy repetition will make it funny again given that in previous series he has To this end, the first episode, which new audience. Somewhat brilliantly, Vehicle. He’s probably not. He is fun- later. denounced television as “the idiots’ aired last Saturday, was about “por- matching form with content – im- ny though. It seems apt to paraphrase (9) For Lee, the chief crime of Frankie lantern”, and Channel 4 as “like a flood nography, and the human imagina- agination – Lee closes with a routine Lee’s friend Simon Munnery. You can Boyle and Jimmy Carr is not that they of sewage that comes unbidden into tion, and the internet, and all these which requires us to imagine a second watch everything else on television are offensive, but that they are bullies: voice he’s talking to on the phone, be- and dismiss it as nonsense if you like. high-status figures applying pressure fore fading away and inviting us to im- You can dismiss it as nonsense with- downwards. agine Lee’s closing lines as well. out watching it to save time if you pre- (10) This repetition is more like Hom- Lee’s other obsession is the status of fer. And that’s the route I’ve chosen.(12) er than Stewart Lee, really. I’m trying the stand-up comedian. For Lee, the (Saturdays at 10 pm on BBC 2 until my best. role of a good comic (or court jester) 5th April) (11) Presumably Lee’s rejection of the is to remind the establishment how internet is like a medieval pope’s re- ridiculous it is. How can a comic do Footnotes jection of mass-printed bibles in com- this effectively if they are not them- (1) A publisher he shares with Samuel mon languages. selves a low-status figure?(9) Stewart Beckett, Ted Hughes, T.S. Eliot, Sylvia (12) Stewart Lee also used a version Lee has now won a BAFTA, made Plath, Seamus Heaney, William Gold- of this joke, dismissing Russell Brand’s documentaries for Radio 4, writes for ing, Ezra Pound, James Joyce, and book, in the first ever episode of Com- The Sunday Times and The Guardian, W.H. Auden, among others. edy Vehicle. Munnery is dismissing had books published by Faber and (2) For which some eccentric reli- the Bible, with the context that he’s on Faber (“not Tesco’s own brand”), co- gious fundamentalists demanded he stage as a character, and the character written and directed an award-win- should be tried for blasphemy. is clearly insane. He walks on stage ning opera, and curated jazz festivals, (3) Incidentally he might also have in a red jumper apparently covered and performed John Cage pieces to mentioned documentaries made in roses and opens with the immor- paying audiences(10). He’s no longer a for Radio 4, and his writing for The tal words, “Good evening. I am the low-status figure. He attempts to cut Guardian and The Sunday Times. Church of England.”

Hipster House of Cards you won’t find on Netflix

I must say that I wasn’t disappointed. ly intelligent and absolutely ruthless. Maciej Matuszewski Set in a fictionalised version of the Much of the fun of the show comes Contributor aftermath of the resignation of Mar- from seeing how he manages to skil- garet Thatcher as Prime Minister, the fully and subtly manipulate all of his Few people could have escaped the show follows Francis Urquhart, the opponents into doing exactly what he popularity of the Netflix political dra- Chief Whip of the Conservative Party wants. His genius comes from doing ma series House of Cards. However, – responsible for maintaining disci- almost everything indirectly, from the the US show is actually a remake of pline on the back benches. After help- shadows, never admitting to anything. a 1990s British TV miniseries of the ing his colleague Henry Collingridge His approach to politics is perfectly same name. While I have heard won- become leader of the Conservatives summarised by his oft used line: “You derful things about the remake I have and win the subsequent general elec- might think so, I couldn’t possibly always had somewhat of a fondness tion, he expects a reward in the form comment”. He appears to be so char- for British television and have always of a senior Secretary of State position. ismatic and earnest, thanks in large found the UK political system more However, when Collingridge reneges part due to a stunning performance by interesting than its American counter- on his promise and decides to leave his Shakespearean actor Ian Richardson, part. Therefore, it should be of no sur- Cabinet unchanged Urquhart vows re- that even his greatest enemies believe self-centred and doesn’t care about him as real life, three-dimensional hu- prise that I decided to devote the little venge and begins scheming to become him to be their best friend. anyone who gets into his way. How- man being. time that I had between lectures and Prime Minister himself. This sets off Urquhart is also a great character ever, he never becomes an outright This is an intelligent drama that project work to watching the original a tense and densely plotted story as on a more personal level. At the start villain. He is always a well-rounded works on many levels. It has a tense (though its length – just four hours Urquhart uses every dirty treat in the he appears to be an ordinary, if ambi- and nuanced character. Through the plot and is effective as both a politi- in total compared to the remake’s book to unseat his opponent. tious, upper class man. However, as writing, acting and the unusual tech- cal thriller and an in-depth character thirteen hour long first season – was The focus of House of Cards is, of the show progresses we find out that nique of Urquhart often performing study – certainly something worth de- probably also a contributory factor). course, Urquhart himself. He is fierce- he has a darker core – he is utterly asides to camera, we get a picture of voting four hours of your life to. 52 FRIDAY 07 MAR

Editor: Maximilian Eggl, Calum Skene, GAMES [email protected] Is Competition really that good?

While this formula seems quite at the beginner skills of Calum that he Maximilian Eggl boring and repetitive, I would say not, actually told him to commit suicide (or Games Editor as there are many different variations something to that effect which can not of the original game mode. This is not be printed). Thus, if you are a beginner, a review of CS GO, however, but rather stay away from this mode and play the a look at the competitive matchmaking more casual game modes. seem to be in a bit of a gaming system in which I have wasted so many The best and simultaneously worst rut at the moment. I bought a hours. thing about the competitive mode few games in the Steam sales and Imagine what I described above, but is your teammates. They make or in Humble Bundles that I haven’t instead of just casual players, you have break a great gaming session. If you given due gaming time. Instead a team of 5 all working together to get enthusiastic, funny and great Iof exploring the vastness of my steam win, playing another team of 5 just as companions, make sure you friend library, I am always playing the same determined. Playing 30 rounds, 15 as them as they really make playing CS game: CounterStrike Global Offensive. terrorist and 15 as counter-terrorist, GO enjoyable in any form. On the For all you who don’t know what you must win at least 16 to clinch other hand, if you encounter those CounterStrike is or haven’t read my victory. If you die in a round that is it douchebags who surrender at any sign previous articles, CounterStrike is a you have to wait till the next round. of difficulty, leave or are just a**holes super-successful series made by Valve Furthermore, once you have died you well as your win percentage influence moreso than anyone would expect. then I feel sorry for you. based on a mod of the Half Life series. can watch your team mates try to win. your global rank and rating. The best I, myself, enjoy this game mode very Competitive matchmaking is there to Either as a terrorist or a counter- All this combined can sometimes make of the best can be scouted for pro much, but at the start I found that I was extend the number of hours you spend terrorist, you attempt to achieve your emotions run high. If you are the last teams, and actually compete for serious quite lost. For beginners, the maps and playing CS, and it does so admirably, goals, like planting a bomb, defusing a person alive and you know that the money. strategies, the tension and pressure can especially if you are as competitive as I bomb or killing your opponents, whilst rest of the team is watching you, the This, coupled with the tension and really be too much. I recently played am. If this game is getting stale for you, trying to stop your enemy doing the pressure can be quite real. excitement of the individual round, with Calum, the game’s co-editor, and seriously try out this game mode, you same. Your performance in the match as really adds to this game’s replay value, one of our teammates got so frustrated won’t regret it! More than just a Terraria Clone Calum Skene, chopping and mining for survival as he is bound for the stars

tarbound is a platform to start with, and my Avian character anything I had built before so off I in this way, although frustrating, went to an Avian town and murdered adventure game currently was doing well. I built a campfire, went mining into the deeps, and I was a lot more interesting than just and stole enough money to build the in beta and being developed a workbench and a hunting bow to mean deep! You can dig down far, and being killed by monsters. Back on beacon. My small wingless Avian had by Chucklefish Games, a hunt the variety of alien creatures the find dungeons with treasure chests, the surface after re-hatching from an been though a lot, but this time, with UK indie games studio. I planet has. The alien enemy creatures abandoned research centres filled egg I had the materials for a distress a lot of running, I was able to destroy Slove this game! I am eight hours in remind me a lot of Pokémon and the with money and different enemies. I beacon. Ignoring the messages to the UFO and the penguins it beamed and I’ve barely even scratched the game tells you the attacks they are spent nearly two hours mining and properly prepare I used the distress down to the surface to obtain the surface of all that is available in this making. One in particular reminded the varied landscape helped keep beacon and all my materials with molten core: a required material for game. Indeed I’ve only just completed me of Psyduck as it picked me up and the game fresh. Down in the deeps I it and got destroyed by a UFO that the Metalwork station. the tutorial, a fun yet disheartening dropped me using gravity slam. After discovered more problems than just came down. I was in shock, 2 hours If it hasn’t come across in my epic experience that will be shared later in my relaxing time hunting to get meat, enemies. It is cold when you go down were completely wasted as I needed to adventure, this game is addictive. this review. This game is special, and and mining, I was presented with far, and if you are away from a torch build a new distress beacon to call the Not many games would hold my not just because fellow games Editor the final quest in the tutorial. I had or campfire you freeze to death, but UFO back and this time be prepared to attention after having been destroyed Max bought it for me at Christmas or to build a distress beacon to attract it is not the cold that killed me. In the destroy it. My need for revenge drove by a UFO following a big mining because it’s an indie game. Read on to attention from passing spaceships. underbelly of the planet my Avian me through the 3 hour mining session session. Starbound manages to keep find out why you should spend your The recipe for the distress beacon creature died of hunger as I failed to I needed to get enough materials you entertained as the landscape is time playing this game. needed a lot more materials than find monsters to hunt for meat. Dying to build a full set of armour. I even unexpected and changing. At one At first impressions Starbound can point I jumped out of my seat as be described as a sort of 2D version of meteors came down and destroyed Minecraft, a lot like Terraria, except it everything near my house. Starbound is set in space. When you start out you has lots to do already and it’s just get to choose between 6 races which in beta. It differs from Minecraft are all different. At the moment, the by offering quests which keep you races are sort of similar, apart from entertained when you don’t know appearance, but each race does get its what to do as well as offering the own armour, weapons and recipes. I sandbox experience that many enjoy. picked the Avian race, bird looking When you get good enough to leave creatures who can’t fly but are fierce your first planet you can find new warriors. You start the game aboard worlds with harder enemies, but your spacecraft, however you have increased ore, and get money to buy no fuel! Stranded in space you must more powerful weapons. The game beam yourself down to the nearest looks beautiful and has calming music planet and survive while gathering to accompany your journey through materials. space. I urge you all to buy Starbound For new players the game provides a now and enjoy this great game while handy tutorial, and you are rewarded seeing how the game evolves through money for completing it. It was simple the beta. FRIDAY 07 MAR 53 Editor: Maximilian Eggl, Yong Wen Chua, Osama Awara technology.felix@imperial. TECHNOLOGY ac.uk The Mt Gox Bitcoin Debacle Yong Wen Chua, on the dangers of trusting an online currency

he fledgling cryptocurrency to prove ownership of the coins via halted all trading activities. It Right away, the various exchanges Bitcoin suffered one of its the use of private keys associated cited a problem with “transaction issued a joint statement saying that biggest setbacks this past with public Bitcoin addresses. In malleability”, a known issue with the problems at Mt Gox do not week when the (formerly) other words, with the blockchain, the Bitcoin protocol, as a reason for represent a problem with the Bitcoin largest exchange Mt. Gox it is possible to trace how Bitcoins doing so, and hinted that it had lost community at large. Bitcoin is not Tfiled for bankruptcy protection. have exchanged hands, and calculate money to this problem. This was not centralised at Mt Gox, and the fall The beleaguered exchange has been exactly how many coins a certain a catastrophic problem because if of a player, albeit a big one, does not marred by a string of management address has in its possession. the software were written properly, spell the doom of Bitcoin. This sense problems before it filed for There are generally two ways they would be able to safeguard of optimism seem to be shared by the bankruptcy protection. Yet, the to obtain Bitcoins: mining or against this problem as many other community. After falling rapidly on currency has been relatively stable exchanging with some fiat money. Bitcoin exchanges have done so. the day Mt Gox shut down, the price amidst all of these: after briefly Mt. Gox was one of these exchanges. Nevertheless, Mt Gox cited this as of Bitcoin quickly rose and stabilised falling to US Dollars (USD) 400 per For some time, Mt. Gox was one of a reason, and hinted that they have at a value higher than before Mt Gox Bitcoin after the news broke, it has the largest exchanges where people lost a significant amount of their shut down. now recovered up to a steady state of could turn their USD into Bitcoins. money. Finally, on February 24, Mt Perhaps the old adage of having around USD 650 at press time. But according to some leaked “cooling off”, always blaming some Gox shut down without a word and any publicity is good publicity rings Decentralisation is at the core of documents and insider information, glitch or another. Customers were filed for bankruptcy protection soon true as Bitcoin turns a new page in Bitcoins through the clever use of the company was very badly managed complaining for weeks long waiting after. its history. cryptography. There is no central and some claim that the writing was for withdrawals, with some allegedly authority to prove, or disprove that on the wall for it to collapse. never completing. Mt. Gox was also Bitcoins are “owned” by anyone in Mt Gox suffered a series of having to face several legal issues particular. There is a distributed setbacks along its way. The first with the US government. It was The News Bubble public ledger, known as the setback that Mt Gox suffered was in during this time that other exchanges “blockchain” that keeps a log of all late 2011 when it suffered a breach begin to spring up and become more General news from around the tech world, so you can keep up the transactions that have ever taken to one of the textbook attacks: SQL prominent due to the various issues to date with the newest, weirdest and most futuristic things place between Bitcoin addresses. In injection. Throughout 2013, Mt Gox facing Mt Gox. around order to “spend” the coins, one has would periodically shut down for On February 7 2014, Mt. Gox Apple in Cars

These days you cannot help but encounter Apple or oe of its products in your average life. Even if you don’t own a product, your friends will. Therefore avoiding interacting with the fruity company has just gotten a WhatsApp with FB? bit harder. Apple just recently announced CarPlay, a system with which you can connect your iOS device to your car. However, at the moment this is only available in Ferrari, Mercedes and Volvo cars. Apple does plan to release this feature with BMW, Nissan, Kia just to mention a few. Tola Makanjuola, on the social giants latest buy Therefore if you buy a car in the future, you might hear Siri’s sweet, sweet voice from your car’s stereo.

t some point last phones with a Facebook interface, The chat feature on Facebook has week, news hit that which tanked spectacularly. Clearly become a diminished feature of the Facebook on spending spree Facebook had acquired not an easy market to social networking site as users perhaps the most opted for private messaging. ubiquitous form That problem has been ofA communication today: rectified somewhat After the WhatsApp acquisition (which you can read all about in the WhatsApp for £16 by the integration brilliant article by Tola Makanjuola), most of us would have a well billion. It goes without of the messaging deserved, and perhaps guilty, rest. Mark Zuckerberg doesn’t seem to want saying that social and chat feature, a rest. To further his Internet.org initiative, Facebook is now going after network users both however, the drone manufacturer Titan Aerospace for a purported 60 million dollars. on Facebook and chat feature These drones then would fly over internet starved regions, beaming Twitter shared their remains internet (among them surely Facebook) to potential users below. ‘in-depth’ insights switched (ramblings) on the off by many elaborate purchase, of its users. thoughts ranging Whatsapp Maximilian Eggl from rational (how will on the other Yong Wen Chua Facebook monetize hand provides Osama Awara WhatsApp?) to the an instant, user Technology Editors downright, well, put c o m p e t e friendly platform politely, irrational, (it’s in (see Google’s amassing users all over the the end of the world as we know it). purchase of Motorola), Facebook world of close to 500 million It is an interesting situation worth simply did what most established users. Through this acquisition, the WhatsApp than on Facebook, a key to “make the world more open and pondering however, why would entities do, buy the smaller competitor. fight for which messaging platform activity that has made Facebook so connected”. Facebook, home to over 1 billion Google had done the same when it is of preference to the public has popular over the years. Probably Just days after the acquisition, users buy WhatsApp? tried to compete with YouTube and been extinguished, and Facebook more importantly is the fact that this WhatsApp had an outage for 3 To begin with, Facebook spotted wound up buying the video streaming effectively has decisively established activity is occurring in developing consecutive days, not necessarily an opportunity to get into mobile website. So point number one, an additional avenue through which countries, where the app has grown a great start to the partnership and with its deep pockets made an Facebook has apparently succeeded in to serve its users. immensely in popularity. Facebook which will see WhatsApp remain acquisition that is difficult to fault. expanding its business portfolio to the Finally, statistics show that mobile have therefore seen an opportunity independent, but certainly not the They had initially tried to release HTC mobile communication platform. phones share more photos through to expand into those regions in a bid end of the world….is it? 54 FRIDAY 07 MAR

Editor: Nida Mahmud CLUBS & SOCS [email protected]

Chinese Lion dance and traditional Silat (Malay martial arts.) The choreography was top notch, with Check(mate) your Privilege flawless execution from the dancers. At one point during the post- intermission Dikir Barat (a traditional Malay musical dance form), the Carol Ann Cheah revisits Malaysian Night - now as a non-performing/producing outsider audience got to enjoy a parody of Blurred Lines, where the lyrics t’s one thing to write a review included some cheeky bashing of for an Imperial College student rival universities - much to everyone’s production. It’s another thing to delight, non-Imperialites included. write a review for such a show The music team provided the perfect you’ve personally been involved cherry on top; live instrumentals Iin for two years (both in acting and peppered throughout the play ably production) - and therefore already emphasized the relevant moods. know the good/bad/ugly that comes At the end, with the two kings having with it. You find your pride and been assassinated, the deceptively- bias as an insider/alumnus of said sanguine (now Queen) Seraphina was production (“oh it was amazing and revealed to have masterminded the we could do no wrong!”) grapples with deaths. This disturbing penny-drop your professional view as a neutral moment came with the revelation that outsider with prior external stage she had struggled for ages knowing experience. Still, that was the situation that Kingthik had killed her war- I willingly put myself in when I made loving father, and was merely fighting a snap decision to attend Malaysian for the same ideals (two united Society’s MNight this year - this countries) as the princes - giving the time as an audience member with no audience a chance to empathize with involvement. her actions. In a cruel twist of fate If you haven’t seen the infamously- both lovers ended up dead - one at vandalized poster located in the 4th the hands of the other, denying the floor of Central Library that’s made audience a happy ending and leaving the rounds on Facebook, ICU MNight them shell-shocked. is an annual 2-day production that Given the nature of such a takes place in the Great Hall. It’s a production - where most of the cast showcase of Malaysian culture and (all freshers!) and crew have minimal quirks wrapped up in an acting and (or even no) stage experience, there DANIEL SAW/ MALAYSIAN SOCIETY dancing extravaganza, with tickets were a few snags to be expected. A Scene from the Opening Shadow Dance for both nights selling out. This year’s Some scene changes were not as fluid production was titled Checkmate, and snappy as hoped, and there were directed by Pashiini Supramaniam friendlier “rivalry” between Malaysia During their visit, Prince Fitz and double entendres (like a noteworthy certain times where the acting was and Shi Kai Wei whilst being produced and neighbouring Singapore. With Princess Seraphina fall for each other, “gun-polishing” moment between Fitz slightly contrived, or the pacing felt by Wee Kii Teh and En Lin Goh. both countries’ royal families rendering the prince torn between his and Ed), the audience’s funny bones rather draggy. I took my seat in the packed hall having suffered casualties in the ideals of a hostile Kiasuland takeover got their fair share of attention. Despite that, it was fabulous overall. minutes before the emcees - Clayton war, a temporary truce is called. The and his desire to keep the princess The whole cast’s acting was highly Imperial’s MNight is unique in that Qwah and Jia Sheng Lee (two of my Bolehland princes - Fitzgerald (Jae happy. Drama rollercoaster all around, natural and a delight to watch, though it also has to cater to more non- fellow MNight 2012 alumni!) - made Hann Lim) and Edward (Edward Tan) we say! special mention has to be given to the Malaysians than other MNights in their entrance. With light-hearted - travel to meet the newly-coronated Despite the somber theme, the princes’ assistants - Kieran (Dustin the country (it’s 2 nights as opposed humor and a good dose of cringe- Kiasuland king, the hilariously quirky show was a barrel of laughs - just Chung) and Lyra (Sonali Nardkani.) to just 1.) It’s not an easy task given yet-clever punnery, the duo set the Raja Kingthik (Kharthik Chakravarthy) the way MNight traditionally is. It These supporting characters served as the cultural differences; Malaysians stage(ha!) for the rest of the show, and his bubbly yet unrefined niece certainly wouldn’t be an ICU MSoc effective comic relief and the perfect tend to approach/appreciate stage bringing audience energy levels up. Princess Seraphina (Sharon Fu) for production without the customary foils to the more-serious characters in productions very differently to They then made way for a spectacular peace treaty negotiations. political jibes, inclusion of Manglish the plot, with stellar slapstick-acting the British - but the cast and crew opening dance filled with stunning Opposing idealogies between the (Malaysian pidgin/slang) or pop that stole the show. The Narrator managed, taking care of both fellow shadow imagery, which started princely siblings - cynical elder Fitz culture references, and this year (Wui Shen Ng) also deserves kudos countrymen and the non-Malaysians the show with a bang - whilst also believes in war, younger naive Ed lives didn’t disappoint. Cheeky homages for his clear, perfect diction and very well in the process. As an MNight introducing the plot and depicting by diplomatic negotiation - served were paid to prior Malaysian political highly expressive “radio-friendly” alumnus, I was proud of what the some key characters. as a constant source of tension that gaffes (like the Sharifah Jahbeen voice throughout the play - even if we younger generation pulled off that The play revolves around a decade- underpinned the whole play, with “Listen Listen Listen” debacle) and didn’t see him acting onstage until his night, and how hard they worked long conflict between two fictional hidden assassination agendas from neighbouring Singapore’s quirks, plus monologue at the very end. for it. As that uninvolved audience countries, Bolehland (pronounced their father (the duplicitous King an unexpected Doge reference had Scene transitions involved a wide member? I’ll quote what Princess/ bo-lay-h-land) and Kiasuland (kee- Kang Kung, played by Wei Jian Tan) everyone in stitches. With a great mix variety of cultural dances, ranging Queen Seraphina herself said: “Wow, ah-soo-land) - a reference to the threatening to rear their ugly head. of slapstick humor and cleverly subtle from Broadway to hip-hop to even much deep. So amaze.”

DANIEL SAW/ MALAYSIAN SOCIETY Chubby Bunny - Chess edition DANIEL SAW/ MALAYSIAN SOCIETY DANIEL SAW/ MALAYSIAN SOCIETY FRIDAY 07 MAR 55

Editor: Carol Ann Cheah, Michael Yat Kit Chung [email protected] FOOD I can’t see what I’m eating... Plabon Saha went for a dining experience in the dark

have previously heard of a couple are told to wait in line with involved in conversations around you restaurant where people dine in our right arm on the shoulder of the as the barrier between strangers is the dark and are served by visually person in front. We met our waitress suddenly lifted. There is no way for impaired waiters. I never really for the night who would be guiding us you to judge their reaction or read thought much of it, until the film into the dining area and looking after their body language, and you don’t IAbout Time when I decided this is us throughout the night. We went have to behave in a certain way either. something I should try at least once. through a couple more sets of heavy It also paves the way for people being So, I decided to take my girlfriend curtains and voilà! Pitch black. All I slightly more rude than usual, as the out there on a date last month for could hear was the deafening sound of woman sitting next to me cracked a what turned out to be a truly unique conversations and laughter that made crude joke for the whole table. experience. me feel like I was in the middle of a Once the food arrived, eating was a Unlike the well-lit areas of west bustling market. lot more complicated than usual. At London that we are all used to, EC1 I stumbled across the darkness, times, it’s hard to find the food on the is not lit up just as well. Five minutes moving slowly and holding on to the plate and you are often left wondering from the tube station, there lay a dimly waitress for dear life until my hand whether you have finished your meal. lit restaurant off the main road. Once was placed on a chair. I was told this Someone from our table actually gave you enter, you are told to put away was my seat and once I sat down, I up cutlery and resorted to eating with mobile phones and any other object realised that I had lost my bearings their hands. Taste-wise, the meal was that produces any form of light. A tab and had no idea where the table was. as good as any. A lot of guesswork is is opened up in your name and you Some shuffling followed before I involved trying to figure out what are shown to the upstairs bar to have a realised that I was facing the side of exactly you are eating. I am told things drink and choose your menu. the table and had been feeling up the such as vegetables often taste delicious The menu consists of four options: arm of the person sitting next to me. if you don’t know you are eating them; ‘Red’ for meat, ‘Blue’ for fish, ‘Green’ As I turned towards my table, the first while the duck pieces I ate hardly for veggie and ‘White’ is the chef’s thing I realised was the strain on my tasted like duck. When we looked at The exterior of the restuarant, in broad daylight danslenoir.com surprise. You don’t really know what eyes as they got used to the darkness. the menu after we had finished eating, you are about to eat and those are the I can’t recall the last time I was in the the only thing it seems I successfully only choices you have. For the price of dark like this. I put my hand in front guessed was the beef steak. But then meal, I must admit. However, it goes to charity. Furthermore, they £51 for a three-course meal it’s pretty of my face and I was unable to make again, I thought I was having beef all should not be seen as just a meal in a require a lot more staff than a normal steep, even by London standards. The out its shape – there was not a speck the way through. restaurant. It is more of an experience restaurant due to health and safety tab opened for you at the start lulls of light in the near vicinity. Once we had finished eating and – much like theme parks. Once you issues. It is great that they are able to you into a false sense of security and With sight diminished, your other were led out from the dark room, the take that into account, and you know give the disabled jobs, and the unique it’s easy to lose track of how much you senses are heightened. You are more dimly lit red corridor seemed so much that this is something to do once in experience offered is certainly worth are spending. in tune with the noise around you, brighter than I remembered. I had to a while, things are not as bad as it being a talking point for many. After waiting a few more minutes, trying to make sense of it all. I tried stay in the corridor for a good five seems. There are also information we are informed that our table is ready to put a face to the voices I heard, minutes before I dared to venture into points in the restaurant which seek to Dans Le Noir. 30-31 Clerkenwell and are shown downstairs and through but it’s very hard to tell much about a the lounge. I have never appreciated explain the high cost. The company Green EC1R 0DU. 020 7253 1100. some heavy curtains to find a corridor. person from just hearing them speak. the power of sight more than that gets no subsidy from any government http://london.danslenoir.com/ £42 for The corridor is lit only by a couple of The atmosphere is also a lot friendlier moment. for hiring the visually impaired and a 2-course meal and £51 for 3 courses. dim red lights. We, alongside another than usual. You find yourself easily The bill was slightly steep for the small portion of the cost of your meal Student discounts available.

We are talking How to make cakes on the pan food rut solutions

Well, okay, by that we meant into a bowl and use it to lubricate next week. pancakes. It was Shrove Tuesday the pan with some kitchen towels. this week and if you missed out, Get the pan really hot, then turn here is a quick and simple recipe the heat down to medium and do a to make one over the weekend and tester for size. Normally a ladle is just We would love it would be a great social occasion right for a normal sized pan. Pour the for the house/flat/your friends! batter in and it only takes around a to hear your To make around 12-14 minute to cook, then use your ninja pancakes, you will need: 110g skills to flip the pancake, or use a creative ideas! plain flour; 2 eggs; 200ml milk; spatula if you are feeling less brave. 75ml water and 50g of butter. The other side should only need a Sift the flour into a large mixing bowl few seconds and it is ready to eat! and add a pinch of salt. Then, make a Traditionally you would have the Email well in the centre of the flour and break pancake with lemon juice and a the eggs into it. Whisk the eggs until it sprinkle of sugar, but, to be honest, [email protected] is all mixed and make sure you do not you can put whatever you want leave any lumps of flour in the mix. on them. From cheese and bacon Add a small amount of milk and to bolognese; from ice cream to water mixture, gradually, whilst nutella! Perhaps you could try Tweet or whisking to ensure the batter is smooth. banana, crispy bacon and syrup! Melt the butter in the pan, then We would love to hear what toppings Instagram: spoon 2 tbsp of it into the batter and you have with your pancakes – let us #FelixFood MICHAEL YAT KIT CHUNG whisk. Pour the rest of the butter know by email or social networks! #FelixFood Union PageWe want to know what you think about Take the Union Survey and you could win a Pick a Pizza prize! (or an ale!) Every day Imperial College Union is Every month we hold polls to pick working for our 16,000+ members which guest pizza we should sell in ensuring that their time at Imperial We want to know FiveSixEight and which guest ales we is the best it can be. We are the voice should sell in both the Postgraduate for all students at the College and h-bar and Union Bar. represent the views of students in what you College committees, in departments Pick a Pizza is back! You can vote for and in the services we run. As a not-for- think a guest pizza to be on our menu in profit charity we measure our success March, alongside the regulars on our in the impact we have on our members’ menu. This month’s choices are: lives. about Pizza Wild Wild West: Pepperoni, The Union Survey is your chance to let Baked Beans, Onion, Tomato & us know what you think about the many Mozzarella services that we run and provide. The survey doesn’t take long to complete and helps us undertsand how to make Pizza Mexican: Spicy Beef, Mixed your Union better for you. Changes we have made over the last few years have helped us become one of the most Peppers, Onion, Tomato & Mozzarella improved Students’ Unions in the UK. In the recent Times Higher Education Student Experience Survey we became Pizza Tropicana: Pineapple, Ham, the fourth most improved Union over the last two years. Tomato & Mozzarella Pizza Caribbean: Tuna, Mixed For just a few minutes of your time, you could win one of the following prizes: Peppers, Onions, Jalapeño Chillies, Tomato & Mozzarella 2 x iPad Minis with Retina Display 2 x £20 Union Shop vouchers The poll will close at 17:00 on Friday 14 2 pairs of Summer Ball 2014 tickets March and the winning pizza will be on 10 x Nando’s Combo Meal vouchers! sale the following week. imperialcollegeunion. imperialcollegeunion.org/union-survey org/food-drink Elections Results Party The Elections Results Party on Friday 14 March is a chance for everyone to come and the celebrate the end of campaign week - whether you are successful in your campaign or BIG not, you deserve to enjoy yourself after two weeks of frantic canvassing!

ELECTIONS The end of the voting period can often be overwhelming and exhausting. We are holding 2014 an Elections Results Party for every candidate, campaigner, voter and student to attend and celebrate the end of the Big Elections 2014 together.

With a candidates’ drinks reception from 19:00 - 20:00, the party starts at 20:00 for everyone else. With results being announced until 22:00, the atmosphere will be electric! RESULTS The results will be followed by our resident iPop DJ until 02:00 and entry to the party is completely free.

With a photo booth, student presenters, Big Elections themed decoration and confetti PARTY canons, this is an evening not to be missed! Hear the results announced. LIVE. imperialcollegeunion.org/elections 1st imperialcollegeunion.org WHO WILL WIN? 14 MARCH / 20:00 - 02:00 METRIC / FREE imperialcollegeunion.org/elections FRIDAY 07 MAR 57

Puzzles Commanders: Kingshuk Dasadhikari, Oliver Price PUZZLES [email protected]

Chess by Chess Soc FUCWIT League Crossword Clues Helix 8 White to play and nickwp 71 Gabriel Quek 7 Quick Clues: mate in 8 Jia Choo 67 Jerome Tan 7 Adam Stewart 18.5 Emma and Ben 6 Across Yufan Zhao 17 WJ 4 1. Navigational magnet (7) Juliette Chupin 16.5 Angus Liu 2.5 4. Capital of Algeria (7) 8. Time of Sun’s zenith (4) Crossword 9. Old english pronoun (4) 11. Go in/Key (5) 12. Doctine (5) 14. Instead (from french) (4) 15. Savage (6) 16. Type of Cell/Whale (5) 17. Hebrew prayer (5) 20. Monkey/Band (6) 22. Swedish pop group(4) 23. Bound book (5) 24. Low point/Opposite of zenith (5) 25. Element with most stable nu- Sudoku cleus (4) 27. Name of Python half-bee (4) Each row, column, 28. Line parallel to gradient (7) and 3 x 3 box 29. City near Wales (7) must contain all the numbers from Down 1 to 9. That’s all. Down: Enjoy... 1. Abrupt/Dismissive (4) 2. Expression of approval (7) 3. West African country, capital Dakar (7) 4. Spots (4) 5/21. Buttock muscle (7,7) Nonogram 6. Inscribe (7) The lengths of runs of shaded squares in each row and 7. Politician (9) each column are given. Squares can only be shaded or 10. Unit of time (4) unshaded. Solve the puzzle to unveil a pretty picture. 13. Annual publication (8) 15. Secondary output (9) 18. Desert (verb) (7) 19. Formal note of decision (7) 20. Gromit’s ride in A Close Shave Killer: (7) 21. See clue 5 No clues! Instead, 22. Munitions (4) the numbers in each 26. Invalid (4) cage must add up to the number in the Very sorry for the mess top left. Numbers cannot be repeated ups in recent weeks. We’re in a cage. Tips: always looking to improve. The numbers in each box, row and column must add up to 45. Look for cages with only one possible combination e.g. a two wide cage total 3 must contain 1 and 2 .

Last Week’s Solutions Milder Sudoku Guess the Stop (No points given) The British rail network runs far and wide. The name of a line is scrambled in the following anagram, and the name of a stop on that line, with the given number of letters is encoded by the sum of the letters, where A=1, B=2... Z=26, Space/Punctuation=0. Find Chess: the line and stop. Note that London 1. ... Ng3+ 2. Kg2 Underground lines may also be Rf2+! 3. Qxf2 (if 3. possible answers. Kxg3 4. Rh3# and Anagram: if 3. Kg1 Rf1++! fol- Rain I evil cot lowed by 4. ... Qg1#) Stop: Rxh2+! 4. Kxh2 (if 7 letters, Sum: 102 4. Kg1 or Kxg3 then Last Week: Midland Main Line, Leicester Qxf2 is mate) Qxf2# 58 FRIDAY 07 MAR

CATNIP [email protected] Ask Annie, your friendly Agony Aunt

gony Aunt Annie Help! I recently came out to my friends Help! I can’t stop gaming, and I realise Whiteley is the as bisexual, but no one believes me, that I haven’t done any work this term, Annie’s editorial woman who and says that it’s just a stepping stone I’ve even stopped going to lectures. fought for women’s on the way to coming out as gay. I I don’t know how to stop, and I don’t The V and her date: How did it cloakroom facilities shouldn’t have to justify my attraction know how to get back into working go? atA Imperial, and thus is qualified to both genders, how do I stop people again, even if I manage to. Where do to solve all your problems. questioning my sexuality? I start? On Sunday, the first of (hopefully) many Lonely Hearts Not confused in North Greenwich Addicted in Acton Central couples went on their first ever date. Our lovely lady (to be identified by her red coat) met our extremely generous Pretty much, just tell them to fuck The first thing you should do is respondent just ahead of a showing of The Lego Movie, who off. Your sexuality is none of anyone’s prioritise getting back into lectures. not only bought the tickets, but also bought the popcorn as business, and you definitely shouldn’t Even if you’re behind and confused, as he initially promised. What a gentleman! have to justify it. Once you’ve told soon as you get back and start taking them, no one has any right to question notes, other bits will follow. Try and What Upon meeting, conversation between them immediately it, and no good friends would. Of limit the amount you’re gaming; make important flowed, with plenty of laughter from both sides. During the course, it’s alright for people to be sure you’re not letting it encroach on advice film, conversation was restricted, but immediately picked curious about this new thing that uni life (this does still allow plenty up again as the credits rolled. Our enchanting couple you’ve told them, and they may have of time for gaming!). Once you’ve should found plenty to talk about, encouraged the other to try new questions, but if they’re questioning managed that, ask your friends for Annie things, and found good company in one another. the validity of your orientation, they’re their notes that you’ve missed, and dish out not the sort of people you want to try to start going through them a bit Ultimately, however, despite enjoying the date, there was associate with. at a time. Don’t try and do everything next no romance, with both sides deciding that they were very Help! I accidentally sent a dick pic to at once, or you’ll get overwhelmed, week? different people. Both found it a really enjoyable experience my ex-girlfriend. The only problem is but there’s still plenty of time to pull Email and would happily go on other dates in hope of finding the that we ended on really bad terms and Help! The girl I’m seeing has suddenly this back. Just set yourself limits on right person, so anyone who thinks these sound like the we have a lot of mutual friends, and started ignoring me. We used to be in gaming and stick to them – have your any ideas sort of people who you think you could get on with, send I’m worried about what she might do. constant contact, texting all the time, flatmates enforce it if they have to! to the Annie an email and she’ll set you up. How can I deal with this? but recently she’s just stopped replying. Good luck! address Embarrassed in Euston I can see that she’s read my messages, We’ve had a lull in Lonely Hearts, so if you’re but she doesn’t reply, and only contacts below! interested in going on a blind date, please send You need to get on damage control me when she wants something. Is she Help! I really want my girlfriend to in a message, nothing makes Annie happier straight away if you’re worried. The just stringing me along? stick a finger up my arse when she goes than matchmaking. These are real, this isn’t a first thing you do should be send her Strung along in Shoreditch down on me. How do I bring this up?! troll! a message and apologise. Don’t try Curious in Camden Town and justify it by saying that it was an Honestly, she probably is. She’s accident and you meant to send it probably trying to keep her options If you’re in a stable and healthy to someone else, just apologise for open with you, but doesn’t actually relationship, you should be able to causing any offense. You have to be want to date you. You should make ask for something that you enjoy prepared for the possibility that she’ll an offer to meet up, something very without making them feel like they’re tell people, but sending dick pics is open that she won’t refuse if she’s forced into doing something they’re pretty normal these days, you don’t interested. If she says no, she probably uncomfortable with. If you feel like need to be very embarrassed. Try and isn’t looking to stay with you, and you this is something that you can’t ask downplay it, apologise, and hopefully should act accordingly. your significant other, you might want it’ll blow over. to re-evaluate your relationship. On a side note, in the interest of safety, make sure that you use a condom (which might encourage your girlfriend too)!

Send Annie your problems and suggestions at [email protected] Annie’s Lonely Hearts Feeling lonely? We all know that it’s hard to meet people at Imperial, so Aunt Annie wants to make it a bit easier for you. If you’re looking for a special someone, missed a connection, or want to let someone know how you feel, send a message to [email protected] and maybe you’ll find a match here.

Responses to the lonely ingle sporty guy looks orlorn fresher got his first lectorial candidate looks for for someone to share low mark in a lab report, and partner to pass out flyers, ur lucky PhD enizen of a Wednesday Sports Night is looking for someone to accompany to lecture shout student has landlocked with, who understands the cheer him up. Anyone who outs, and toss something recieved a country, why need to wear ties and get knows this feeling, join me other than sweets. If you’re message offering won’t you Svery drunk. Girls outside sports teams Ffor a drink to share my pain? Einterested, give me one, then put a 1 her some sort of notice me? I will be happily considered, but can’t next to my name on the union website. freeO food! Hopefully this will go “Dwould love you to (check)mate with judge any aspect of the lifestyle ;) Come find me on results night when ahead next week and we’ll have a me, but you spurn me every week. I’ll be in the Union, too drunk to care. success story to tell you! When will this end?” See something you like? Send us an email and we’ll pass it on. Let Annie help you get lucky in love. FRIDAY 07 MAR 59

@feliximperial

FelixImperial HANGMAN

This Week In The Past ELECTORIAL By voting, you would achieve nothing We bring you in depth analysis more than to show to the world what of where the power at Imperial an ignorant, gullible person you are. The Historian The Hangman really lies. On top of that we have Hangman Contributor Hangman Editor the inside scoop on how you’ll This editor also urges you to fight be voting as well as a insightful the hegemonic stranglehold of and fascinating editorial piece. Rector Sir Keith O’Nions. The man’s unrelenting grasp on power ue to an unfortunate Of course, first and foremost can and must be stopped. The only 1907-2013 – Anonymous automatons set of circumstances Hangman must encourage you to reasonable way to do so is not to voted into varying roles for Imperial College that took this editor out take the only noble course during participate in these so-called Big Union. of the country for 48 these elections is not to vote. Elections (see below for more detials). crucial hours, Hangman Dwas unable to cover the beginning of All the candidates are, frankly, terrible. So, throw away the campaign the ‘Big’ ‘Elections’ ‘2014’. However, They are completely and utterly leaflets, take up arms and storm 2002 – Switzerland narrowly votes to do not fear, because this week we give incapable of even slightly fulfilling the Queen’s Tower, because join the UN. Most who voted against the full scoop in our Election Special. the roles they’ve naively applied to. the revolution’s just begining. were concerned that joining any sort of organisation would contravene their sacred Puppet vows of neutrality. Felix In The Past. “Want to vote Government but are too lazy to find Undergoes Sham 1999 – Paul Okalik was elected the first out how Email Elections Premier of Nunavut. Despite being elected hangman. to an essentially dead-end backwater of felix@imperial. Canada, it is widely accepted that he was ac.uk and let Timothy McSweeny one of the greatest leaders Canada had ever us vote for Hangman Contributor seen. you.” puppet government, nominally led 1945 – In a move that is thought my most by ‘President’ historians to have ultimately swung the war, David Goldsmith Finland declares war on Germany. has this week calledA elections that amount to little more than a PR sham. Whilst power is technically supposed 1665 – King Charles II declares war on the to reside with the ‘elected’ President Netherlands. To be fair though, those Dutch and Deputy Presidents, it is a well- bastards had it coming. known that de facto power really lies with the evil Rector, Sir Keith O’Nions AKA the Onion Knight.

1519 – In what was probably a Bad Thing, Whilst it is thought that the day- Hernan Cortes arrives in Mexico. to-day running of the Democratic Student’s Republic of ICU is left in the hands of the puppets, it is well known that all key decisions are 1493 – Christopher Columbus arrives “HAD dictated by the Onion Knight. From back from his moronic trip in which he ENOUGH?!? his office atop the Queen’s Tower, consistently and stupidly mistook the West Email the all-seeing Rector misses nothing. Indies for the Far East. Hangman cannot hangman. Despite the UNs attempts to emphasise enough how much we feel felix@imperial. supervise free and fair elections, it Columbus was a fucking idiot. ac.uk. assumed by most that the current crop of candidates will represent little more than new mouthpieces for the despotic leadership residing at the heart of the University. Student Carefully Considers All Candidates Before Voting For Friend

tabulated all the pros and cons The Hangman before ultimately deciding that Hangman Editor his friend would get his vote.

ollowing the release this In an interview with Hangman, the week of the candidates’ student stated that whilst “there were manifestos, an Imperial many worthy candidates” he felt that “in These could be any one of the previous ICU presidents second year spent several the end, the person I know is probably or Deputy Presidents. Seriously, even the weird skiing hours carefully analysing the best possible person for the job”. machine from Wallace and Gromit’s ‘A Grand Day Out’ Fthe philosophies and stratagems going to vote for my friend, I had more original and free thought than these guys. of the various nominees. “I mean, sure, the other people mean, he’s the only one I know”. standing all look great and some of At press time, many students Looking over the promises and ideas them have some really good ideas” were bypassing reading the of those standing for all the major manifesto in order to vote for roles, the student painstakingly “But to be honest, I was always the only person they’ve heard of. 60 FRIDAY 07 MAR

HANGMAN [email protected]

Union Advertises for Nominees Teams To Play - Clearly unhappy with first Other Teams the turnip nominees... Hangman’s Finest College News Source Sport To Happen. “War Will Not Descend Into War” Claims War-Mongering Man Putin Assures World he crises in the Ukraine reached a peak this week with the invasion of Sport. the Crimea by Russian Photo Credit: bbc.co.uk/sport forces, however, Russian TPresident, Vladimir Putin has moved to assure the World that the war angman can confirm would not degrade further into war. that this week, as with

© RIA Novosti. Aleksei Nikolskiy all weeks of the year, “No one wants this conflict to there will be several develop into less than me” stated a round of ammo across his shoulder forms of team sports the President from an unnamed and reached for his crash helmet. Hoccurring. Russia Air Base near Volgograd. “Anyway I wish you would stop It has been generally assumed “In fact, it would be an international pestering me on the purpose that the superior teams with disaster if this invasion of foreign and activity of our troops in the better players will win, however territory was to become a full-scale Crimea” the President said as it’s entirely possible this may not invasion” continued the President as he climbed into the cockpit of occur at all for a variety of reasons. he pulled on his camo gear and slipped his Sukhoi PAK FA fighter jet. a pistol into the holster on his belt. Sources confirm that there is a “I mean history quite clearly shows strong chance that, as well as the “And whilst certainly the political that neither Russia, nor any other huge amount of team sport being situation in Kiev is not ideal for us European countries have any interest played, there should be a significant right now, we would never move more whatsoever in the Crimea” the former amount of individuals sports to be troops and military equipment into Prime Minister concluded before played. Again, it is highly suspected the lands of our valued friends and closing up the cockpit, sliding down his CREDIT: You know who you are... that the better individuals will win, neighbours” Added Putin as he slung helmet and getting cleared for take-off. though this is far from certain. CANCER GEMINI TAURUS VI A R GO R LEO IES

This week it’s election week. This week life continues as nor- This week you are an incum- This week you decide to actu- This week you wish it was last As you steel yourself for a This week it’s still election mal, you escape the election bent in a elected position. As ally emerge from the library, year, when RON was a Klin- week of being harassed by week, you haven’t voted and fever and manage to hide in you read the manifestos of next only to be accosted by orange gon. Never before have you people who normally blank you’ve started to receive your research group, or so you year’s victims you laugh, for all t-shirt wearing lunatics with big been so fatally attracted to you in the library, you’re ac- stalkery messages from the think... as you walk out for your they say they claim to make smiles and carrying a ipad. As RON’s crested eyebrows or costed by a desperate can- Union. “Please vote!” they Fuel lunchtime snack, you’re things better, you know they’re you prepare your escape plan his penchant for gothic fash- didate - your money or your cry, “we’re still desperate to accosted by an armed, orange only in it for a tankard! you trip over a loose book and ion. This week you’re forced vote? Well what’s money beat St. Andrews!” t-shirt wearing Sabbatical of- smash your head on your key- to do horoscopes because worth these days? ficer. You die an honourable board. You voted RON for ev- the Editor thinks you have a death. erything. sense of humour. Wasn’t that

CAP a mistake? You deiced to use AQ SAGITTA SCO R ICO U PISCES A LI R PIO R BR I R N R U I U A S S

This week you’re forced to do This week you decide to run for This week you experience This week you stay up until This week you take excep- This week, you just wanna live. horoscopes because the Edi- Union President. Except it’s too some shameless self promo- 6am doing a pullout for Felix. tion to the front page story. On In desperation you turn to twit- tor thinks you have a sense late, nominations have already tion. As you accept the flyers You send the paper off to the principle you take a proposal ter to try to feel feel as though of humour. Wasn’t that a mis- begun. You resign yourself to and sweet from the strang- printers, only to find that you’ve to the New Clubs Commit- you’re a apart of the cool take? You choose to use the wait until next year, besides, it ers your parents warned you printed the pages in the wrong tee asking to form a new club crowd. Mistakenly you follow time to ask people to send in will be easier the right? about you find yourself plotting order. Still it makes for a rather actually called “GineSoc”. the #voteicu hastag and de- horoscopes to hangman in- to take over the Union by force amusing read. However, due to your illegible generate into a useless dribble stead, let the people decide! and reinstate pitchers at the handrwiting they reject you of memery. At least you can bar! Huzzah! and tell you they already have slowly become more of a Union a cinematic society. hack than you already are! FRIDAY 07 MAR 61

@feliximperial

FelixImperial SPORT

Norwich’s position seems to have Premier What a colossal relegation six-pointer scarcely ever changed since they re- this is. For what it’s worth, I don’t think turned to the top flight of English either of these sides has the stomach football two and a half years ago. League for the battle they face and expect They have managed to survive every both to be playing Championship season without ever looking in major football next year. But whereas Felix jeopardy, and are on course to do the Predictions Magath’s Cottagers showed charac- same this year. You might say the same ter in holding West Brom in their last for Stoke, who have experienced mid- away match, Ole Gunnar Solskjaer’s table mediocrity for five or six years James White Bluebirds were hapless at home a fort- on the trot. As a result, I can see this night ago, losing 4-0 to Hull. Cardiff being a dead rubber – the Potters sel- Football Columnist do not look like beating anyone in dom threaten on their travels and the IC POLO their current form, so I think this is Canaries struggle terribly for goals Fulham’s game to lose, and they have themselves. 0-0 West Brom vs. Man United (Satur- not lost on the road since January. 0-1 day 12:45pm, BT Sport 1): Chelsea vs. Tottenham (Saturday Crystal Palace vs. Southampton: 5:30pm, Sky Sports 1): West Brom recorded their first win at Old Trafford for 44 years in the re- There will be a major conflict of inter- With the competition for a European verse fixture back in September. A lot ests and clash of styles at Selhurst Park finish as fierce as ever, rather ironical- has changed at the Hawthorns since on Saturday. Tony Pulis’s abrasive style ly Tim Sherwood could probably do then, and Pepe Mel is still searching of play suits the relegation scrap Pal- without the distractions of the Europa for his first win as Baggies boss. Now ace find themselves in. Saints, mean- League at the moment. One thing is would be a good time with the threat while, has nothing to play for but the for sure – he absolutely has to win this of relegation looming but he has come chance to showcase the free-flowing if Spurs are to stand any chance of a from behind to draw all four of his football for which Mauricio Pochet- top four finish. But Jose Mourinho is home games 1-1 and with United as tino has made his name since taking the master of getting a result in big unpredictable as a bag of revels of late, over. Both sides are on form and I can- matches and the manner in which the that’s a result that would probably just not pick a winner. 1-1 Blues grinded out their last home vic- about satisfy both managers. 1-1 tory over Everton epitomised his style. Norwich vs. Stoke: I expect a similar scoreline again here. Cardiff vs. Fulham: 1-0

IC POLO

sweat. From that point our confidence other goal, leaving the final score 3-1 Polo was soaring and we managed to score to them. Disappointed as we were, it another goal before the whistle blew, was a fantastically fast paced chukka giving us a 3-0 win over Edinburgh; a that we all enjoyed and found both Nationals great start to the tournament! challenging and tiring, a good end to We had a few hours to kill before our the first day. second chukka of the day (and polo That evening we headed to a nearby 2014 time is notoriously slower than nor- pub for dinner and had a romantic, mal time) so we headed to the only candlelit Valentine’s dinner for three place where the floor wasn’t two before retiring absolutely shattered. Olivia Szepietowski inches below water: the bar. After a Unfortunately for James, his bed was a IC Polo Captain few mulled wines, the team were feel- sleeping bag in the arena so when the ing much warmer and extremely con- first rider entered the arena at 8:30am fident about our chances in the N2 the next morning and saw him sleep- While the rest of the world was wak- division this year, especially after Im- ing there they did what anyone in that ing up to roses and chocolates on perial won the trophy last year in the position would do: blow a klaxon in Valentine’s Day, the Imperial College division above. 52 Universities were his ear. So with that start to the morn- Polo Team was making the journey up taking part this year, some with mul- ing we prepared for another day of to Rugby to compete in this year’s Na- tiple teams, so it was fantastic to meet polo. tional Universities Arena Polo Cham- so many polo enthusiasts and watch With a few hours until our third chuk- IC POLO pionships. Tim Wright (2nd year some excellent matches. ka we went to support team GB play- maths) and Olivia Szepietowski (3rd Our second chukka was against Ports- ing against the USA and were blown year medicine) were joined by James mouth, a deceptively innocent looking away by the speed and agility of these the ponies back to the pony-lines I no- on fantastic form, working brilliantly Faulkner (1st year engineering) who team whose true colours were soon young players. It was a hugely excit- ticed my hand covered in blood and as a team and buoyed by the cheers studies at Brunel University but trains shown when the ball was thrown in. ing, four chukka game, with a goal be- was almost relieved that I had a minor and encouragement from our sup- with Imperial. The first thing I felt was sharp elbows ing scored every minute. It was tense injury to show for the weekend, proof porters. We ended our final chukka of As the ball was thrown in on our first in my side trying to push me off my at times, and the screams from the that I played hard! After getting my Nationals with a 3-0 win, placing us match against Edinburgh we all had a pony and they didn’t relent for the crowd were deafening but sadly not thumb bandaged up, we had a team 7th out of 16 universities (with War- hairy few seconds where our enthu- next six minutes. Tim badly hurt his enough to bring GB to victory, and talk over a few more mulled wines wick taking 1st). siasm and the quick reactions of our shoulder a minute in which caused they suffered a 15-11 defeat. and prepared for our final match. That evening we celebrated in style ponies nearly threw the entire team problems throughout the chukka, With visions of the international Tim went to play a match for Oxford with all of the other universities at a off! Luckily we all caught our balance while James and his pony were argu- teams in our heads, we headed into Brooks who didn’t have enough play- fancy dress party, consuming many and set about sending the ball towards ing over speed and direction. That is our first chukka of the day against the ers and managed to fall off his pony bottles of champagne and even the goal. With only six minutes per match to say that we were having problems! Defence Academy. Our tactics were but not before shouting “getting off!” odd champägerbomb (it’s exactly what (called a ‘chukka’) we had very little Portsmouth scored the first goal, put- good and we worked fantastically as a With three injuries in the bag now it sounds like, try it at your own risk!). time to get into the swing of it, it’s a ting pressure on our team to keep team but the match was tricky, espe- and us all relying on James’ health we We partied until the early hours and race to get as many goals as possible up. As we rushed to take the ball, we cially with Tim injured. Elbows were headed into the arena with high spir- weren’t surprised on Sunday morning whilst committing as few fouls as pos- fouled the other team and so they back out and ride-offs were vicious, its, determined to enjoy (and survive) to see many players with dark sun- sible. Within the first two minutes, were rewarded a penalty shot at our leading to a final score of 2-2. This lead the final chukka against Bristol. From glasses on and popping Berocca. As we had a penalty in our favour when goal, which they scored. This upped to an exciting, sudden death, penalty the moment the ball entered the line- we didn’t have any matches on Sunday I was hitting the ball towards the goal the ante so we responded by driving shoot-out with the Defence Academy up, we were in control and headed we got to enjoy the brilliant sunshine and was slammed into the boards by the ball hard up the arena and scor- scoring their goal by a hairsbreadth. straight up towards the goal, scoring and watch some spectacular polo with one of Edinburgh’s ponies. Thank- ing our first goal. Perhaps the elation Unfortunately we missed our penalty immediately. We threw our ponies friends, a perfect way to end such an fully I managed to score a goal despite made us impetuous, because we went shot so lost the chukka but agreed that round and galloped up to steal the ball exciting and challenging weekend. this, so we suddenly had two goals to on to commit another foul against it was another exhilarating match that from Bristol and send it back down to Congratulations Imperial Polo Team, none and Edinburgh was beginning to Portsmouth and so handed them an- we thoroughly enjoyed. As we brought their end again: another goal. We were now for Summer Nationals! 62 FRIDAY 07 MAR

Editor: Kunal Wagle SPORT [email protected]

Imperial Eagles cruise to final of National Championships

four teams from last year’s event fea- team, but the Eagles came out trumps The Men’s team was set to face AECC their final group game. A win would Stefan Bauer tured in the same qualification group. once more. “Brunel is strong on the in the early hours of Sunday morn- guarantee top spot in the table and IC Handball Royal Holloway, who are the Eagles’ wing and on the line, but we were able ing in the repeat of the game for 3rd progression to the final stages of the closest rival in the league, were their to minimize passes to either of these place in last year’s competition. The competition. The Blades, who, on first opponents in the opening game positions. That forced turn-overs that entirely Norwegian team from a Eu- their facebook page, threatened to of the competition. Fully aware of the we converted in attack. This was a ropean Chiropractic College won “destroy heavily every other team”, had With the ever growing interest in opponents’ strengths and weaknesses, great team effort”. Only an hour after the competition 3 years ago and has to win to avoid a knock-out game. An Handball across the country, the Na- Imperial controlled the north Lon- their second game, the IC men had fielded strong teams on a yearly ba- expectedly heated fixture ensued, but tional University Handball Champi- doners fierce left-handed back player to face UCL and were given a chance sis. Neither squad had lost a game some impressive displays by Stefan onships have become a rather large and focussed on fast transitional play. to avenge the women’s team. Recent at that time and the clash lived up Bauer in goal and Marios Papamichail event in recent years. This year saw the Their match plan worked beautifully encounters between those two sides to the spectators high expectations. as playmaker, ‘destroyed heavily’ the introduction of regional qualification and helped the Eagles to cruise to an have had the potential to be very heat- Both teams were defending to an ex- Blades from Essex and secured the top rounds for the first time in the history opening 11:7 victory. ed, but the results were in favour of tremely high level and tried to keep spot for the Imperial Eagles. of the tournament. Stefan Bauer, who Meanwhile, the women’s team faced the Eagles. This game was no excep- their opponents out as much as they Club President Rishi De-Kayne, who has been representing Imperial at na- arch rivals UCL on the other court, tion and ended 12:7 after 20 minutes. could. In the dying minutes of the en- was unable to attend the second day tional and international tournaments but was outplayed by their swift ball Sheng Hong Chai scored his first goal counter, a courageous wing shot from of the tournament due to romantic since 2007, was excited to be part of movement and great vision by the op- of the competition and was delight- Tigau Daniel-Horja ended the match involvements, was very excited about the team once more. “I remember the ponents’ centre player. Southampton ed with his first taste of University at 2:2 after 20 minutes. Despite the the team’s success. His girlfriend later first Nationals we played. There were University was a much more equal ad- Championship action. “It was a great low score line, it was widely regarded stated, that he asked her “make a baby less than 10 men’s teams entered in versary, but despite leading for most day and I am happy to have my name as the toughest and most tense game and call it Eagle” the same night. the competition, but I knew the sport of the game, Imperial were robbed on the score sheet. Let’s hope we can of the weekend. Ruben Freytag was Overall, the weekend was a giant suc- would grow. Now there are over 60 of their victory by a last minute goal. keep going like this”. rather displeased with the result. “We cess for handball and should strength- University teams in the country and Margherita Ciano, who was unable The second day of competition saw defended extremely well. Our analysis en the bid for a new BUCS application. in London we have managed to set up to attend the first day of fixtures was the women face Brunel women’s team. of their previous games was spot on As the only Olympic sport to not yet a LUS League. The sport has come a positive despite the 2 opening defeats. With a much more confident display, and we managed to control them for feature in Britain’s highest university long way.” “We only have to win one game to the Eagles ladies were leading for large large parts of the game. But we rarely sports competition, the pressure is Imperial men’s finished 3rd in the make it to the knock out game. If we parts of the game, but due to some managed to put pressure on them in high to produce events like these and last two tournaments and are ranked manage that, we can keep our hopes rather questionable refereeing by an the second wave and from the wing showcase the level and enthusiasm of amongst the favourites again this of qualification alive!”. official who is also coaching Brunel, positions; we were just too wasteful in the sport and the clubs alike. The final year. The women’s team has joined The men’s team continued their win- Imperial were robbed of their de- a t t a c k .” is set to take place on the weekend of forces with Kings College London and ning streak with a straight forward served victory in the last minute of the Having dropped points in a Champi- the 8th/9th of March and the Imperial looked to cause an upset in the early win over Brunel 1st team. Lucas game. This meant that not even beat- onship game for only the third time Eagles Men’s team will be hoping to stages of the tournament. Carstens had to face his Super 8 team ing group leaders AECC would save in 3 years, the Eagles were keen to put improve on their performances from The men’s team received a rather un- mate Oliver Barton, who played on the ladies team, which had performed things right against the Essex Blades last year and finally bring the trophy grateful draw with three of the top the right wing for the Uxbridge based admirably throughout. (2nd in last year’s competition) in to London.

goal but it instead ricocheted off Cov- listen to his tales of the ‘unparalleled’ goals now for him in an Imperial shirt. IC 1s thump UCL 5-1 ers who was standing no more than and ‘magnificent’ Big Dipper. Teary With a minimum of 3 games left, the 1m away from him. However, from a eyed and emotional from having the century looks a challenge, but defi- a very well hit first time curler towards view from the other side of the pitch, privilege of seeing one of the Seven nitely not impossible. 5-1, with 6 goals Jack Robinson goal. It curled so much in fact that the the former is a more than adequate Wonders of the World up close, he scored by an IC player. The match was IC Football keeper, originally diving to his left, description of the events. 1-1. produced his own Big Dipper. Con- well and truly over. Man of the Match had to then outstretch his right hand IC were not pleased with this setback trolling a ball on his battle-hardened was Cravin’Dale – #TheThirstIsSoRe- the other way to get a palm to the shot. at all, and proceeded to apply the after- knee he thrashed a volley over the al in him that the award could never Heading into this match, IC were It was all in vain however, as the parry burners and immediately put UCL on despairing keeper into the back of the have been given to any other man. comfortably in 2nd position, four just rolled into the back of the net. 1-0 the back foot again. Winger on a mis- net from all of 35 yards. A 21 gun sa- This convincing win not only cement- points ahead of our opponents, UCL with five minutes played. sion, Cravin’Dale was actually Cravin’ lute later and the game resumed. ed the team’s 2nd place position in the 1s. A win would secure 2nd place, and Another 15 minutes of IC domina- the scalp of his opposition full back, Cravin’Dale was still as thirsty for league, but also leaves them 2 points IC went to Shenley looking to exact a tion followed, with the only consola- Inglourious Basterds style, and effort- milk as he has ever been (So good, behind the leaders Hertfordshire, who sweet revenge. Having beaten UCL in tion for UCL being how politely they lessly relieved him of his head-top be- Dale wants it back. And he will get it they play the following week away in the reverse BUCS home fixture 3-0 in were relieved of possession time and fore squaring a low cross to Crawford back.), and continued to give his op- the final match of their BUCS cam- the first half of the season, we lost 0-1 time again. In particular Private Law- who found himself unmarked to fire a posite man nightmares. I’m not sure if paign. Beating them would then put to them a few days later in LUSL due son (Keane) and Andy Pavvvv (White first time finish under the keeper. To you readers are aware, but #TheThirst IC at the top of the table, with the ball to a combination of an injury ravaged Viera) were doing well as holding reach the ball Crawford had quite pos- is indeed Real and Dale has been di- being in Hertfordshire’s court to get a squad and a lacklustre performance. midfielders, mopping up the mess sibly never run so fast in his life. When agnosed terminally ill with it. He was result from a tricky away trip to Can- The warm up consisted mainly of and distributing the ball forward well. asked about this, he replied “I thought involved more than twice in a slick, terbury on the 19th March for the last Imperial trying their best not to fall However, what then happened was a I heard the bells of an after school Ice one touch pass move down the right match of the season. over. The pitches, although appear- defensive implosion. A UCL ball over Cream Truck. Sorry”. involving the dangerous triumvirate ing smooth and nicely trimmed at the top released their winger, who put The first half finished 2-1, an uncom- of Jim Beam Murphy, Ice Cream Man ICUAFC is sponsored by: first were, in fact, mostly waterlogged. in a good cross to the back post. Their fortable score line for IC, and so Cap- Crawford and Cravin’Dale. Jim arrived Even Omar Amjad, on a brisk walk in other winger arrived, hitting the ball tain Robinson made the message clear perfectly late just inside the box, a la his world renowned first gear, would on the half volley and forcing a diving at half time that at least two more Fat Frank, and finished with aplomb have chopped up the grass to unplay- save out of Casas Bofarull, which he goals without reply were needed to be smashing the ball into the left corner. able levels. In fact, Amjad apparently accomplished for the 135th time with- in any sort of comfort. Luckily, that’s 4-1. couldn’t even shift from neutral into out misplacing a single thread of hair. exactly what happened. UCL were now in bits and pieces and first as he didn’t even turn up to play The resulting spillage was lapped up The second half began well as the game were repeatedly sliced open on the that day. Some crap about exams... by Jonty H 3 yards out who, possibly was more open with UCL throwing counter attack. Murphy drove for- Five minutes in, Paul Nugnet and Jim a bit peeved at being played at centre men forward in their vain attempt to ward through the middle from a de- Beam Murphy combined well down back due to Amjad at home warming actually score a goal with one of their fensive corner before releasing Robin- the left before The Nug (#FearTh- up the oil in his idle engine, decided own players. About 10 minutes in, Pri- son straight ahead of him on the half eNugnet – Linstead is the first official to look up, eye up the top corner, and vate Lawson decided to grab the game way line with a through ball which left victim) squared the ball to Crawford find it without hesitation. Rumour by the scruff of the neck. Sporting the the centre back with no hope of catch- before he released Robinson into has it Kolo Toure, wherever he was finest buzz cut Her Majesty’s armed ing him. Taking a couple of touches to some space with a through ball. Af- at that exact moment, spontaneously forces have ever seen (0-1-0), he de- steady himself, Robinson then calmly ter running into one of their centre burst into tears and was inconsolable. livered. Having just returned from a curled the ball round the keeper into backs, he played a devilish back heel Rumour also has it that Jonty in fact heavily weighted march to Blackpool the bottom right corner while still to Murphy behind him who smashed tried to clear the ball across the face of and back, the team were forced to a good distance outside the box. 93 FRIDAY 07 MAR 63

@feliximperial

FelixImperial SPORT

How to dismantle an “a-Tomek” bomb first frame particularly sticking in the rial briefly behind in this match, but Imperial Cross Country Rob Hughes memory (similarly memorable was his Strathcylde’s loudness seemed to put opponent’s face after it). Next to feel their own players off more than ours IC Snooker and Pool the sting of Tomek’s cueing was an un- and Imperial ran out 6-4 winners (al- produce Strong suspecting lad from the University of though it should have been more). Hertfordshire’s recently formed pool The big London derby followed, with This year’s renaissance of pool at Im- club, with a comfortable 4-1 win cap- UCL 1 the pre-tournament favourites Performance at the perial continued from within the icy ping a great three hours’ work for the to take the group. They were, how- grip of the Vauxhall holiday camp of ‘aTomek bomb’. His reward was a last ever, destroyed 6-1, with Max twice Great Yarmouth. From the ashes of 64 match against the 9th seed James producing exceptional dishes and Hyde Park Relays the once booming tourist area, rose Brill on the Friday afternoon. both Tomek and Ben winning both the phoenix of Imperial Pool first’s That evening, the team slept about as their frames. Disgruntled, their team season, with an exceptional mid-Feb- well was as possible in sub-zero con- captain mumbled something about Chris Bannon gives his account ruary display. ditions and everyone was well rested having to arrange a ‘friendly’ to get Preparation for the tournament had and ready for the next day’s play. You revenge before the end of term, some- On 15 February, 2014, over 120 run- 1:36:39 (and 2nd university team) been far from ideal, with eleven play- wouldn’t know that, however from thing which the team agreed they ners lined up alongside the Serpentine closely behind 1st place Oxford Uni- ers pulling out of the running within a the first team shield match though, would look forward to. to start the 66th Hyde Park Relays, versity A (1:35:25) and external team week of the opening Thursday and the with Warwick 3 running out 6-1 win- That meant that, going into the final with each men’s/mixed or women’s Guac ‘n’ Rollers (1:36:06). resulting loss of the second team halv- ners (predictably Tomek won the one game against group whipping boys team comprising of six and four mem- The women’s A team finished ing the club’s chances of promotion. frame) with no one really on their Salford 2nds, Imperial were guaran- bers completing laps of roughly 5km strongly with Kimberly Mason run- Worse still, Tomek ‘the aTomek bomb’ game. At this point the team were teed to progress with one more victo- and 3km respectively. In total over ning the anchor leg in a time of 12:38 Szymaniec and Cheng ‘so good they somewhat despondent, unaware of ry. To everyone’s surprise, the Salford 600 people were warming up ready to racing right to the line to give a to- named him twice’ Cheng looked set to that fact that they had just played the players most of all, Imperial went 2-1 complete their lap meaning the start/ tal time of 50:10 and 9th place in a miss their individual ties having been best team in the group. behind early on, with Rob missing the finish line was a hive of activity. strong field led by Oxford A and B delayed by coursework assignments. The resulting malaise followed the chance to win an easy frame and oth- The men’s and mixed race went off teams (1st in 45:01 & 2nd in 46:16) Things were looking bleak as club team into their next match until, when ers losing unluckily. The remainder, at 2pm followed quickly by the wom- followed in 3rd by Bristol in 46:06. president Max ‘Chalm down dear’ 3-1 down, Nottingham Trent 2nd’s however, of the frames went to Impe- en’s field five minutes later. Just before The fastest legs of the day went Chalmers, took on Connor ‘the post- captain frantically called over the rial, with Rob atoning for his earlier quarter past the lead group sprinted to Kate Niehas (10:42), Hannah man’ in his first individual match, but organisers to look at Cheng’s shoes. frame loss with the finish of his life to their way down the finishing funnel Kitchen (10:48) and Sarah McCuaig a quick look at the drawsheet by Ben Black shoes were a requirement for secure a 6-2 victory. to pass over to their second runners. (11:06) in the women’s race with ‘not Sean Dyche’ Harvey revealed that the tournament and Cheng’s were Due to several hold ups in play, Impe- Leading the men’s pack home on the Christopher Bannon (14:55), Glen both Tomek and Cheng would make unfortunately a very dark brown. De- rial went straight from the final group first leg was club captain Chris Ban- Watts (15:08) and Alex Muir (15:23) their (fortuitously) late matches. This spite having potted the black to win game into their first knockout match, non with a blistering time of 14:55, taking the fastest legs in the men’s allowed Max, who with this tourna- the frame Imperial were docked it and which was against Salford’s first team. this proved to be the fastest leg of the race. ment became the most capped pool told that they must provide Cheng This was the tightest match of the day by over 10 seconds. He handed As the day progressed, many more player in the club’s history (since re- with black shoes. tournament, with some nice play all over to new club member Gil Macha- runners from universities across cords began), to concentrate on what The final score was 6-4 to Imperial, round and Tomek dazzling on the big do who started his lap with a near 45 Europe, and from departments and turned out to be an excellent game of even with the team having to con- stage again. After a great match, Im- second lead. halls within Imperial finished the pool. stantly swap footwear. perial were 5-4 up going into the last Meanwhile Imo Simmonds brought course. William Jones finished his ‘The postman’ was a classy operator The team matches were over for an- frame. the women’s A team home in amongst six legs in a total time of 2:04:06 but like a dog in the front yard Max other day and the squad assembled to Cheng was playing Salford’s number the leaders with the fastest IC time of averaging just under 21minutes for made his work extremely difficult watch Tomek play his last 64 match. five in a horrendously tactical frame, the day on women’s course in 11:24. each 5km lap whilst finishing well with great tactical play and street- He played fearlessly in the face of an which neither player was enjoying. She passed the metaphorical baton into the top half and beating many wise pool. This, however, was a very opponent who was, as his name sug- Shot after shot saw the frame get more onto Sophie Kirk who 12:48 later university teams in the process! Xe- tough draw for Max (as always seems gested, brilliant and even won the and more difficult for both players un- passed over to Antoinette Hardijzer; nia Hall led home the internal halls to be the case) and eventually he suc- first frame to put him on the ropes. til at one point it became impossible who set off on her A team debut (she competition by nearly 5minutes, cumbed 3-1, with the postman deliv- But James Brill wasn’t the 9th seed for for Cheng. He clipped his opponent’s would later run another two laps for absolutely demolishing strong com- ering. no reason and responded with some ball, but the Salford man didn’t seem other teams). petition from Fisher, Beit, Wilkinson It was decided that going out might great pool to win 4-1. Tomek could be to notice. A cry of foul came from the Meanwhile, in the men’s race ultra- & Weeks and Southwell & Bernard be a good idea and the team gorged very proud of his debut performance crowd (with coaching being against marathon specialist James Ellis lead Sunley. Following the end of the themselves on fish and chips in prepa- and gave an excellent player a lot of the rules!) and the referee was called the race out on the third leg before race, it was time for the celebrations ration for their upcoming fixtures. problems. over. Cheng’s opponent now claimed losing two places in a slight detour be- to begin, with food and prize giving Tomek finally arrived at the holiday The Imperial five then decided to to have spotted the foul all along and fore bringing the team home in third in the SCR leading onto an after par- park at 5:55pm, and calmly strode wind down by taking part in the even- was allowed two shots, with which he place to hand over to Matt Douth- ty in the union with the other uni- off to play his match as the team dis- ing speed pool team tournament, a finished the frame. waite, who continued a strong run of versities. I would say more but there persed to their respective tables. By version of the game with essentially With the result being a draw, it went form to break 17mins for the lap. seems to be group amnesia about the 6:15 both Cheng and Rob ‘the Bank’ no rules. The aim was to start from to a three frame shoot-off between Further back in the field, William exact events of the night, potentially Hughes were out, with Rob having the break and pot every ball on the ta- each team’s three best players. Max, Jones was roughly 15km through his because everyone was so tired from played mature student Mike Giles ble as fast as possible, with each team Ben and Tomek were put forward, solo ‘Milan’ effort to complete all six racing; or maybe due to the gratui- and been obliterated and Cheng suf- member starting when the previous with Salford’s three all very able play- laps (30km) of the men’s course by tous amounts of Jäger consumed and fering a similar 3-0 defeat. Everyone one finished. The first team to have ers. Max was given one very difficult himself. Alongside him the ICXC Boiz the boat racing! The next morning converged to watch Ben take on an all their players clear up won. The at- chance in his frame before losing and team were steadily picking their way there was the obligatory hangover Oxford undergrad with a striking re- mosphere at the event was something Tomek played some excellent pool to through the field whilst some of their breakfast for those who slept over semblance to Jesus in a final frame akin to that of a football match, with take his frame to the black. A won- team were simultaneously recovering followed by long runs and a return which was painful to watch. Ben had Strathclyde and Nottingham Trent in derful double from the Salford man from a night out the evening before. to training or coursework for many been put in an impossible situation particular making it very lively and sealed Imperial’s fate. The other women’s IC teams were within the club. and after a series of excellent attempts pushing the boundaries of the dress Overall the group can be immensely also lapping well with strong runs Special thanks must be given to all to escape from it, lost. (or lack thereof) code. Imperial, hav- proud of its achievements over the from social secretary Isobel Holding, who helped out on the day: setting It was at this point that Tomek hap- ing never played this form of the game four day event, with several firsts for triathletes Sian Morgan and Vicki Sol- up, marshalling and taking down pened to mention that he had won before, were out in the first round, but an Imperial team and plenty of rea- ly as well as new club member Lucinda the course; timing and organising his match and was through to the plan to practise this great form of the sons to be optimistic for the future. Smart all breaking 14 minutes, show- the results; preparing and serving next round. The newcomer was up game for next year’s event. Four of the five team members will ing good speed in preparation for the the food; and sleeping at the union again that evening and just kept on Saturday was Imperial’s busiest day return next year and two were only upcoming Silverstone Half Marathon. to host the other universities. This winning, with a beautiful 3-2 perfor- in the team shield tournament with in their freshman year. This is a team In the last few legs the front few event wouldn’t have been possible mance against Lorne McConnachie three group matches to play and more which can, and will, improve for next teams held their positions with Faron without the three organisers: Johnny of Abertay. Make no mistake, his to follow if they finished 2nd or high- year and will stand a good chance of Hesse putting in a superb 15:42 lap Li, Oliver Ashe, and Milan Misak, opponent could play, but Tomek re- er. First up were Strathclyde 2, who promotion by the time next Febru- before handing over to Liam Smith with the guidance and help of cap- sponded to everything thrown at him, had one or two dangerous players in ary rolls in. More importantly, we who led the men’s A team home with tain Chris Bannon and club secre- with a stunning double to wrap up the their ranks. A shaky start saw Impe- thrashed UCL. a 16:22 lap to 3rd overall in a time of tary Matt Douthwaite. “Keep the SPORT Cat Free” Editor: Kunal Wagle [email protected] 07/03/14 INSIDE Issue 1571 All you need for Varsity Day in our pull-out felixonline.co.uk

Devils take Varsity Victory IC stroll past LSE Craving-Dale was released down Henry Garner the flank, Gregory struck it with against UCL ICUAFC his weaker right foot on the volley, producing a stunning Van Basten- esque shot into the top right corner. It was a typically busy 3-1, three quality goals. We went Saturday morning at South into half time on a high. Kensington station as the 4th The second half produced a less team gathered for their journey frantic opening but exchanges were to #FortressBerrylands, eager to still tense. The next goal was all- prove their worth against top- important and both teams knew it. of-the-league LSE 4s. In one of We continued to create openings the tightest LUSL Division 2 title and the ball somehow managed to races seen in decades – only two not go in after a point blank header points separated the top 4 – this from Adelowo was saved on the line was a must win for both teams by their keeper. Despite many fierce concerned. But it was particularly claims that it had indeed crossed important for us, since we had the line, Fogo was unable to add to played at least a game more his 19 goal tally. Vicious rumours than our main rivals, LSE 4s and are that Fogo is planning to write a LSE 2s (no offence QM 2s). Our letter to BUCS demanding goal-line plight wasn’t helped by a certain technology be implemented into Frenchman, Sofiane Hamadi, who every game, such is his thirst for decided to arrive 30 minutes late fantasy points. to the station, eating into precious The key goal finally came after warm up/banana consumption an inspired double substitution time. Despite this fashionably late by yours truly, bringing on Josh attitude from Sofiane he would Parsi and Josep Melé for the last later repay his debts by scoring a 15 minutes. The fresh legs made an fantastic early goal. After being immediate impact, as Josh lofted the slipped in by the on-form Fogo ball towards Josep, who cushioned ‘The Enigma’ Adelowo with a the ball with his instep before sumptuous through ball behind looping an acrobatic volley into the their bewildered left back, Sofiane top corner. Game over. took one touch out of his feet before Craving-Dale added one more to sweeping the ball emphatically into his tally, assisted by Josep, to put the IC ICE HOCKEY the bottom left corner. 1-0 IC 4s. game truly to bed. To their credit, Despite our strong start, some they fought to the end and had a late Oli Clipsham describes the action as Devils take momentous nerves kicked in and the league penalty appeal turned down. Other leaders inevitably responded from than that, the game turned into more victory in shootout their sluggish opening. Our faith in of a training match. Sam ‘Edin Dzeko’ the world renowned ICUAFC tiki- Duffield went on a mesmerising The Imperial Devils retain their Lon- After a cagey start to the second pe- his hat-trick after creating space with taka style was coming back to bite run down the left wing, beating don Ice Varsity crown in a thrilling 5-4 riod, the Yetis restored parity as their some nifty stick handling moves. With us as the sticky Berrylands pitch (according to him) 12 players before shootout victory over the UCL Yetis. star defenceman managed to find an the game seemingly reaching its con- and a couple of sloppy touches led selflessly cutting the ball back but to Spurred on by a rousing cheerlead- extra gear and slip past a few checks clusion, agonisingly the Yetis mus- to losing possession in dangerous no avail. Even I made my own burst ing performance from the IC Titans in to score. Tensions were notched up a tered a response with 2 minutes left areas and conceding silly fouls. A from centre back, getting on the end front of a 600 strong crowd, the tone scale as neither side wanted to give up to take the game into overtime. Both devilish delivery from a set piece of a Dale cross only to head just over. of the game was set only 50 seconds any opportunities and several big hits sides exchanged chances but with no led to an equaliser being bundled It could have been eight or nine, but in, as Devils Gus Zimmerman rocked from both sides riled up both teams. breakthrough, the game was to be de- in by their 6’6+ centre half. 1-1. we had to settle for five as the final a UCL player bearing down on goal This culminated with the UCL Yetis cided in a shootout. Ryan Heaton con- The momentum appeared to whistle went. Only two more to go in only for it to be deemed tripping. The captain challenging Ryan Ritchie to a verted to give the Devils the advantage have shifted in the game. But our charge for promotion. Devils’ penalty kill was set to work fight, which was quickly settled with a only for the Yetis player to even the a scintillating breakaway only and was impressive throughout the single jab to the nose (check it out on stakes with a slapshot. After two more minutes after the equaliser, led INSIDE: Imperial 1st XI thump game, valiantly denying the Yetis any Youtube!) sending the UCL player hit- attempts, Max Fink pulled an incred- by Canadian import Daniel UCL powerplay goals throughout the game ting the ice faster than Tim Runcorn ible move, sending the Yeti keeper to Gregory’s perfectly timed over including a five on three advantage for can strawpedo beers at the AGM. the ice with a fake shot before slotting the top through ball (LB+Y) to ICUAFC is sponsored by: UCL at one point during the third pe- Pushing to score late in the second in an open net. Stefan Nubert then ce- Alex Craving-Dale, who broke the riod. period with a man advantage, an un- mented his credentials as man of the opposition’s frankly appalling and The Devils opened the scoring only fortunate break allowed the Yetis to match as he stoned the Yeti shooter ill-judged offside trap to be clean moments later when Ryan Ritchie capitalise and come into the final pe- to crown Imperial as the London Ice through. Craving-Dale flicked the latched onto a pass from Max Fink riod with a 2-3 lead. Varsity 2014 champions. ball over the keeper and casually and leathered a shot past the hapless UCL quickly found themselves a If you missed out on the London Ice side-footed it into the back of the Yeti keeper. The Yetis were looking for man down after a Yetis player retali- Varsity you can see the mighty Impe- net. an immediate response and the Dev- ated after being on the receiving end rial Devils take on the Kent Knights Our front four continued to ils found themselves under siege with of a hit from Angus Coleman. The un- in their penultimate game of the sea- use their pace and intelligence to goalie Stefan Nubert making several disciplined Yetis were made to pay af- son on Saturday 8th March. Face off cause plenty of problems to the exceptional saves to keep the Devils in ter Ryan Heaton banked in a rebound is at 7pm at Streatham Ice and Lei- LSE backline, who resorted to dirty front. The Yetis did find their equal- on the powerplay. With the Devils sure Centre (a couple mins walk from tactics such as blasting the ball iser after picking up a rebound but the garnering momentum, the Yetis could Streatham rail) and it’s completely free into Gregory’s stomach, winding Devils responded in kind only a min- only attempt to halt the constant to watch. If you’re interested in play- him badly. In fact it was only a few ute later with Ryan Heaton picking up waves of attack by illegally taking out ing ice hockey, email ice-hockey@ minutes after his winding that the a long pass and slotting home on the Devils players. The Devils cashed in ic.ac.uk for more information – be irrepressible Gregory managed to breakaway, giving the Devils a 2-1 lead on the powerplay once again to take sure to keep an eye out for our Fresher score our third to put us 3-1 up. after the first period. the lead as Ryan Heaton completed Fair stall next year! Confidence was high and after some intricate play in the midfield