•••PRICE 1€ Marvin the lehti EVENINGEVENING PERKELE!PERKELE! #1/2017 THEEVENING MOST RELIABLE SOURCE OFPERKELE! DISINFORMATION IN The Factory: The Heart of

t’s a warm summer night distillery. In the summer, vod- meeting, or the parent-teacher in Helsinki. You’re walk- ka is served on the atmospher- meeting at the school. Or just I ing north along Mannerhei- ic terrace under the lindens. for the fun of it. Before each mintie. Suddenly you catch the Cheerful waiters will refill your plenary session of the Senate scent of fresh vodka drifting glass before you even have the House, the representatives through the trees. You have chance to put it down. Passed- form a long, winding line to the arrived in the spiritual center out customers are stacked up vodka tap. They are regular of Helsinki: the Vodka Facto- discreetly behind the bushes. customers and thus allowed to ry, located opposite the big- Busy townspeople tend to pour the noble spirit into their gest church in Helsinki, just a visit the Vodka Factory for a own vessels. townspeople are looking to “The Vodka Factory stone’s throw from the Senate couple of shots before rush- Every morning there’s quite wet their whistle at the daily House. ing off to their jobs, homes, a spectacle as the usual throng tasting: each morning, 200 vol- is the center of the If you have time, it’s worth the train, the doctor, the hair- of people crowds between the unteers are chosen to sample city’s public life and stopping for a glass of newly dresser, the tax office, the Vodka Factory and the center the vodka distilled during the made vodka straight from the shops, a friend’s house, an AA of Helsinki. These thirsty night to check that the drink festive occasions.” provided to consumers does not contain too much methanol.­ The Vodka Factory is also the center of the city’s pub- ­featuring colorful storybook lic life and festive occasions. characters marketing kiddie Each new president of Fin- vodka to schoolchildren. land visits the Vodka Factory If you happen to spend time in connection with the inau- in Helsinki on the first of May guration ceremony. This cus- or the Night of the Arts in Au- tom dates from the early years gust, you’re in for a treat. On of Finnish independence. Ac- these special days, the public cording to tradition, predic- fountains are hooked up to the tions on the upcoming term pipes of the Vodka Factory, of office are made depending and everybody can drink their on how long it takes until the fill of free vodka! president is carried out of the It’s said that the closest you Vodka Factory in a state of can get to the Finnish soul is unconsciousness. on the terrace of the Vodka Vodka is a part of everyday Factory on a summer night, Finnish life in thousands of when the raised voices of ways. Upon embarking on your young people sipping their first journey to Finland, you may drinks, the nonsensical mum- already witness pilots throw- blings of afternoon drunks, and ing back sturdy shots of vodka the snores of hardy customers before grabbing the controls who have sat there since the of the plane. On the streets morning are joined together in of Helsinki, you will quick- harmony – echoes of which can ly become familiar with vod- be heard in the symphonies of ka kiosks and advertisements Jean Sibelius. VS Helsinki Stock Exchange Ready Nine Billion Names of Dog BY ARTTURI S. LARKKINEN for Extraterrestrial Companies oira, koiran, koiraa, koi- lasi, koirallansa, koirallamme, rassa, koirasta, koiraan, koirallanne, koiranani, koira- Kkoiralla, koiralta, koiral- nasi, koiranansa, koiranam- elsinki Stock Exchange sell Nokia shares to alien in- them, create a galactic finan- le, koirana, koiraksi, koiratta, me, koirananne, koirakseni, announced today that vestors. Some minor details cial law, and also to find some koirineen, koirin, koirasi, koi- koiraksesi, koiraksensa, koi- Hthey are all set for trad- still need to be worked out be- developed alien cultures. Oh rani, koiransa, koiramme, koi- raksemme, koiraksenne, koi- ing shares of extraterrestrial fore the actual stock trading yes, and their companies need ranne, koiraani, koiraasi, koi- rattani, koirattasi, koirattan- public companies. can start. We need to deter- to write their financial reports raansa, koiraamme, koiraan- sa, koirattamme, koirattanne, “We have already added a mine if the alien culture un- in EU approved format. That ne, koirassani, koirassasi, koi- koirineni, koirinesi, koirinen- placeholder for the galactic derstands the concept of cap- takes some time to get used rassansa, koirassamme, koi- sa, koirinemme, koirinenne, exchange into our web page ital, convert their medium of to, so it would be a good idea rassanne, koirastani, koirasta- koirakaan, koirankaan, koi- template,” their PR manager exchange into Euros, explain to bring it up in a first contact si, koirastansa, koirastamme, raakaan, koirassakaan, koi- explains. “We are also able to the European financial laws to situation.” HL koirastanne, koirallani, koiral- rastakaan… (CONT'D)

1 Finland's Metal Tradition Traces Back to Ancient Times

inland is regarded as the and created the first kantele, a most metal country in Eu- badass instrument made out of Frope, and rightfully so. the bones of a giant pike and The metal music tradition be- strings out of maiden hair. He gan already with the great was hugely admired among Blacknämöinen, the hero of the his fans, but some people were Finnish epic Kalevala, which jealous of his talent – such as describes the true history of the foolish Yo-kahainen, who Finnish people. Blacknämöin- decided to challenge him to a en is the embodiment of Finn- sing off. How did that end up ish metal: son of a goddess of for him (and how the superi- air, he possessed the loudest ority of metal was once again growl and scream in the whole confirmed), you can read in the land, drove women to suicides, excerpt below.

Blacknämöinen Sings ­ Yo-kahainen into a Swamp

In the north of Kalevala, ­ And show to that saggy old Yo-kahainen swerved towards You can never beat my free- The wheezing wind became Yo-kahainen, young MC sap the edge style his snare Heard of a singer, much better That I’m the best in a battle But he lost all control of his Look at you, you’re getting The shaking mountains were than he: rap!” sledge senile his drummer Blacknämöinen, brutal And drove right into the You just an old relic here in And the roaring thunder his minstrel Wise and worried, said his brutal bard Kalevala bass player Shredding louder than the mama Knocking him off of his own That warpaint makes you look thunder, “Do not go, or he will eat ya!” cart. like a panda! The whole land became Screaming songs of heroes But young Yo-kahainen did Feeling all tough in your Blacknämöinen’s band damned not listen Before Blacknämöinen said a spiked wristbands And sent Yo-kahainen sinking The most metal man of all Furious and firm in his word You can’t even put together a into the sand Northland. decision, Yo-kahainen turned his band! Seeing he was stuck up to his Grabbed his boombox and boombox on And yo mama’s fat. Yo.” golden chain Yo-kahainen, overcome with golden chain “Yo, the word on the street is Defeated and desperate he jealousy, And rode off in his pimped-up you’re better than me Blacknämöinen became filled shouted in pain: Decided there can only be one sledge. I’m here to challenge you to with anger “Please don’t eat me, I’m too MC see who’s the better MC!” And to stop the sap from pretty to die! Sulking, he said to his old Riding reckless, driving to Bemused and bashful further slander Let me go; I’ll give you my mama defend his pride Blacknämöinen Blacknämöinen, the brutal sister to sacrifice!” “Imma go to the South of Didn’t notice Blacknämöinen Gave the first turn to Yo- bard Kalevala was out for a ride. kahainen. Hit the strings of his horrid Blacknämöinen brought his harp, beastly gig to end “Yo, yo, yo! Let me introduce Fiercely frowning, he took a Intrigued, he inquired “A myself, breath sister, did you say?” I’m the new wonder and I’m And onto Yo-kahainen “A young one, she will taste here to stay! unleashed his wrath. tender when fried!” Yo-kahainen is the name Blacknämöinen has changed And I know all the stories To the mighty minstrel’s his monstrous mind there are to tell! sound of singing And yanking Yo-kahainen out There’s no one who drops Surrounding spruces swayed of the mess sicker beats headbanging Set off to cause the damsel And I know this land’s every His raw riffs resonated great distress. b…each. through the air PO

Nine Billion Names of Dog

…koiraankaan, koirallakaan, kaan, koirassansakaan koi- tansakaan, koirattammekaan, koiraltakaan, koirallekaan, rassammekaan, koirassanne- koirattannekaan, koirineni- koiranakaan, koiraksikaan, kaan, koirastanikaan, koiras- kaan, koirinesikaan, koirinen- koirattakaan, koirineenkaan, tasikaan, koirastansakaan, sakaan, koirinemmekaan, koi- koirinkaan, koirako, koiranko, koirastammekaan, koirastan- rinennekaan, koirasiko, koi- koiraako, koirassako, koiras- nekaan, koirallanikaan, koi- raniko, koiransako, koiram- tako, koiraanko, koirallako, rallasikaan, koirallansakaan, meko, koiranneko, koiraaniko, koiraltako, koiralleko, koira- koirallammekaan, koirallan- koiraasiko, koiraansako, koi- nako, koiraksiko, koirattako, nekaan, koirananikaan, koi- raammeko, koiraanneko, koi- koirineenko, koirinko, koirasi- ranasikaan, koiranansakaan, rassaniko, koirassasiko, koi- kaan, koiranikaan, koiransa- koiranammekaan, koiranan- rassansako, koirassammeko, kaan, koirammekaan, koiran- nekaan, koiraksenikaan, koi- koirassanneko, koirastaniko, nekaan, koiraanikaan, koiraa- raksesikaan, koiraksensa- koirastasiko, koirastansako, sikaan, koiraansakaan, koi- kaan, koiraksemmekaan, koi- koirastammeko, koirastanne- raammekaan, koiraannekaan, raksennekaan, koirattani- ko, koirallaniko, koirallasiko, koirassanikaan, koirassasi- kaan, koirattasikaan, koirat- koirallansako… (CONT'D)

2 ­greatly enhances­ your stami- na, strength, AND agility, was a huge success. Enormously popular, Lonkero is the only How to Drink Like a Finn: allowed doping amongst Finn- ish athletes.

☞A Guide to Finnish Drinking Culture And if I just want to get drunk? ou have just arrived by drinking on a day of wor- produced. But luckily, they weather: it’s magic). And for When in Finland, do as the to Finland on a late ship? Actually, it makes per- are widely available from those unfortunate, romantical- Finns do: go to Estonia. Just a Yevening flight, checked fect sense. and every bar with an occult ly-challenged souls, a shot of short ride across the sea, this into a hotel, and all the res- license. The most typical and tar will instantly turn you into small land with lax alcohol taurants nearby are already Finnish pastime in famous Finnish potion is Sal- a badass in front of your cho- laws is the place to get mag- closed. So you go to the near- the past times miakki, a thick, black drink sen one. Some drinks are avail- ic-free versions of all the Finn- est store to grab some Ever since the first drunken which turns anyone into a able only seasonally, such as ish drinks. But you are miss- bread and a couple of Swede stumbled into Finland black metal singer in just two Sima. This cold, sweet drink, ing out; you really should try only to be told by the cashier in the 12th century, bringing bottles. Jaloviina, another pop- is usually available only dur- the mesmerizing power of the she can’t sell you those, even along some Bibles and wine, ular Finnish drink, greatly im- ing several weeks of summer, local potions. Are you worried though you are waving around Finns have strived to master proves your speech, and can as it is designed to help people you might look ridiculous? Try your passport, explaining that the art of and distill- even you the ability to speak withstand the twenty degree to plan your trip around some you are indeed of legal drink- ing alcohol themselves. How- a foreign language! During the heat. And new drinks are con- pagan Finnish holiday, such ing age. What’s up with that? ever, old habits die hard, such long winter months, a several stantly being developed. One as the First of May celebra- We are here to give you some as the long pagan tradition of shots of Koskenkorva a day is of the more recent drinks is tions, Midsummer, Christmas, tips on how to get drunk in this Finland. No matter how hard recommended, as it will great- Lonkero, or long drink, which or any weekend: these massive strange country. medieval Finns tried, they ly increase your resistance to was specially invented for witchcraft celebrations are the ended up with homemade cold (and now you know how the 1952 Olympic Games in best time to dabble in some When and where to magical potions instead of the Finns withstand the harsh Helsinki. This drink, which magic. PO buy alcohol? desired feeling-numbing agent. Basic beers and can be Suddenly, there were people bought in every supermarket running around who, on their – but only between 9AM and evening stroll from a local inn, 9PM. For something strong- had been having conversations er (including wine), one must with bears, seeing in the dark, go to a specialized store called had taken a shortcut home by Alko. But heads up – Alko is walking on a lake, or had even closed on Sundays. While one flown. One of these drinks, a might think that this is due to called Sahti, gave everyone being too hungover at Finns the power to withstand the end of the weekend to cre- extreme hot temperatures, ate any profit, the real reason like the ones in saunas. Unfor- behind this inconvenience is tunately, the Church was not religion. OK with these magic potions – it’s one thing to get wasted Finland, religion, and raise hell, but witchcraft is and alcohol frowned upon. So, the first bu- Finland is still, for the most reau for controlling the intake part, a Christian country. This of magical elixirs was estab- is no surprise, since a lot of lished, and to this day Finn- people can appreciate a dude ish alcohol can’t be sold on reli- who can turn water into wine, gious holidays. especially someone who loves their nightcap (and morning- Did you say magic? cap, middaycap, quarter-to- Go on… two-cap, any-other-time-of- Unfortunately, apart from day-cap) as much as Finns. Sahti, most of the tradition- But wait – if Finns appreciate al recipes have been lost, and Jesus’s bartending skills, why only a fraction of these en- would they not celebrate him hancing drinks is still being

in witch feet) through obsta- the second championship. The “The popularity cles, saw the birth of sever- carry had gone through many al new, arguably revolution- stages and several witches, fi- of the sport has ary carrying techniques. Wal- nally being perfected with the tripled in the two EUKONKANTO ter Pärt and his witch Norma prodigious Menni Mustonen. Pärt developed an offshoot of The recently married couple years since its he witch-carrying world the sport has tripled in the two the widely embraced Estoni- is a sight to behold, the man conception.” championship is over years since its conception. an-style (the witch hangs up- standing one giant foot tall, Tand the record breaking The undisputed champion side down with legs around her over 2/3 bigger than his part- results keep astounding fans of the sport, and winner of all carrier’s neck). In the revised ner in height and 3/5 larger in a newlywed bride, the team of all over the countryside of Fin- three championships held thus take, the witch keeps herself size. Hanging on his neck, this two flew over obstacles, bare- land. Spun off from the origi- far, is Jukka-Pekka Anter- from falling down by holding gem of a woman was able to ly touching the ground, light nal wife-carrying tradition, vo, 208 cm, blonde, blue-eyed, her carrier’s muscular thighs whisper words of encourage- like a feather. No spells left practiced by mostly Finnish Adonis. Just a second later with her hands, alternatively ment to her husband and hol- the witch’s lips, which had the non-witchcraft folk, witch-car- with an astounding 70 seconds, holding by the fat, often bur- ler spells at approaching oppo- jury question the validity of rying began as an attempt Alexander Arn, mightily im- rowing her nails into the flesh. nents. their performance, but accu- to bring notice to traditions proving from last year’s final The legs go under one armpit, The winning Finnish couple sations of leaving out perfor- of witches, but has since de- place. The third place belongs a risky move as that spot may did little in way of innovation. mance enhancing spells quick- veloped a growing following, to Walter Pärt. The fourth and get slippery. The technique was old-school, ly died out. Though the use of becoming its own, separate last preferred to stay anony- Alexander Arn, a Swede, as considered by most aficiona- witchcraft is mandatory, the event. mous. a response to the nationalistic dos as “outdated”, “counter- rules on what counts as magic Witch-carrying has not yet The competition, which has sentiment brought by his Esto- productive”, and “embarrass- have been contested in recent been embraced by the Olym- husbands carrying witches nian competitor, pioneered the ingly dense”. Results, howev- years. Those that saw the run pics, but that is subject to on their backs in a sprint of Swedish carry, something he er, told a different tale. Carry- could hardly say there was no change as the popularity of 330 meters (roughly the same had been working on ever since ing his witch in his arms like magic in the air. ANON.

3 an intelligent young man with dark hair. There was some- Emmanuel Arsé thing restless about him, as if he were not entirely sure of his position. I could not see the two men who sat with their backs to me, but judging by the way they talked and gestured, they Miss Korpi and the were probably under the com- mand of the other two. Number two was probably the youngest of the bunch, which would ex- plain his insecurity. I gleaned Golden Egg of the Nazis enough of their conversation to find out that his name was t the heart of our home- enter them.” Koitonheimo gave undeniably something new. I students of domestic science “Heikki” – probably Heinrich. land, there is a region of a snort of contempt. leaned forward to hear more. from somewhere near Joen- He would be my target. I be- Awhich we know almost My conversation with A. Fj. Koitonheimo leaned back, suu, returning from their long- gan to stalk the right opportu- nothing.” Koitonheimo’s words Koitonheimo, the chief of the probably without even realiz- planned school excursion. They nity. echoed through my mind as I Bureau, had taken place the ing it. had saved money especially in It came after a moment, as sat looking out the train win- previous day. When Aman- “Germany,” Koitonheimo order to travel on the Express. the man excused himself and dow at the landscape, which da told me that morning that stated. “Since last summer, They positively glowed with rose from the table. He made gradually grew more forested I had a telephone call from the Germans have had some sweet, youthful vigor, and I his way towards the compart- and wild as we moved further the Bureau, I asked her to kind of base deep in the woods felt the same mood affecting ment, most likely to use the on from Mikkeli. fetch my traveling skirt from of Greater Savo, possibly all me as well. toilet. The freshly laid tracks of the closet and pack my things the way in the mountains. We My actual target consisted­ Now, I had to move quick- the Greater Savo Railroad while I was occupied; I had an- found out a month ago, when of four men who sat a few ly, if I wanted to use the en- clanked under me. I could not ticipated this call. an intoxicated German gen- rows ahead talking quietly chantment. When he had dis- help feeling proud of the ef- Koitonheimo grunted a tleman posing as a tourist let amongst themselves. I could appeared from the door of the fort made by our young nation. greeting from behind his desk. this information slip in the have easily identified them restaurant car, I got up and The increase in tax revenue He was an old-fashioned man restaurant Kappeli. It seems even without the descriptions followed him discreetly. following the repeal of Prohi- who found it difficult to - ac that the Germans are plan- given by Koitonheimo. I con- I was right; he locked him- bition had been used for the cept the methods of my Sister- ning to do something tomor- sidered using my methods for self in the toilet. I looked right purpose. The woodland, hood. However, our help was row on the Greater Savo Ex- a bit of eavesdropping, but it around and slipped into an al- untouched since prehistoric good enough for him when the press train.” would probably not be worth cove near the carriage door. times, was finally penetrated Fatherland was in distress. Koitonheimo looked out the the trouble. They were hard- Calming down my breathing, I by a railroad that would fright- I also anticipated the lec- window. The early summer ly likely to blab their secrets performed a quick mental ex- en away the wolves, bogeys, ture that was about to follow, sun lit up the Bureau’s court- on a public train carriage. The ercise, a basic tenet of the Sis- and scaly monsters from folk- mainly on things with which yard in southern Helsinki. “I men were talking in Finnish, terhood. Finally I opened my tales, which were said to dwell I was already very familiar. was… recommended to pass which was astounding. A trace blouse just enough to slide my in the depths of the forest. More so than Koitonheimo this mission to the Sisterhood, of a foreign accent could be de- left hand between my breasts, “The Greater Savo Railroad himself, in fact. and especially your name, tected in their speech, but if I where the pendant of the Sis- only cuts through a corner of “We have received informa- Miss Korpi, was mentioned in had not known better, I might terhood hung. one forest in Greater Savo,” I tion that a foreign power has, relation to this.” have taken them for native I asked the pendant for the imagined Koitonheimo’s voice for some time now, been in- That was surprising. I was Swedish-­speakers with fluent power to control this man. For reminding me in its annoying vestigating the Greater Savo not in favor with the leaders of Finnish skills. a moment, I hesitated. Using way. “It is said that nobody woods, and has also estab- my Sisterhood, because – well, Apparently, the Germans the enchantment, it was easy has really explored the mys- lished its… lair, shall we say, we had certain philosophical took this plan of theirs serious- to maneuver a man to say a terious valleys of the moun- there,” Koitonheimo said, gri- differences as to which courses ly, whatever it was. That was few words or to do something tains of Savo. Even the ancient macing. This was a failure for of action were suitable. disquieting news. In my opin- he would otherwise not have kings of Savo did not dare to the Bureau, then. But this was “Your mission is to find out ion, Hitler was a loathsome lit- done; special methods were what the Germans are doing. tle man leading first a party of not always even necessary. And, if they are after some- repulsive hooligans, and now But now, I would clearly need thing that could benefit the Fa- all of Germany. If I managed more. I knew what I could do. therland, to acquire it for us. to foil the Germans’ plans, it The problem was that I had If necessary, you are also ful- would be reward enough to never tried it before. ly authorized to stop whatever last me a good long while. I grimaced inwardly and they are doing,” Koitonheimo I awoke from my angry glanced around me to make said with a wry smile. thoughts as I noticed the men sure I was alone. Then I “Was there anything else?” getting up. They went to the slipped my right hand under I asked, returning his smile. I restaurant car. After a while, my skirt. Mentally cursing my could not resist the temptation I followed them. They were sit- impractical clothing, I strug- to adjust my position so that ting at the same table. On the gled with the waistband of my my blouse opened slightly be- same side of the car, right be- underpants. Finally my hand tween the buttons at my bos- fore their table, was another, was between my legs. If some- om. I noticed this having the empty table, so I sat down and one were to enter the corridor desired effect. I had assessed asked the waiter to bring me now, I would be hard pressed Koitonheimo’s weaknesses cor- a menu. to explain what I was doing. rectly. The men were eating Kare- I forced myself to remain “N-no,” Koitonheimo said, lian meat stew, I picked at my calm and started to repeat the clearing his throat. ”This fold- salmon loaf and observed them. Sisterhood’s exercise in my er contains descriptions and The clanking of the tracks and mind. My hand accompanied a few photographs of persons the buzz of conversation in the the exercise by means of slight we suspect of being German restaurant car prevented me movements. I felt myself grow- agents.” from eavesdropping on them, ing warmer, the force begin- As I took the folder, I leaned but I could easily figure out ning to glow inside me. forward and offered him a good their reciprocal relationships. This force was something I view. The poor man, a prison- The man sitting near the cor- had never experienced earli- er of his own limitations. Just ridor and facing me was the er. It struggled inside me like like the matriarchs of the Sis- leader of the group, a thin, bald a skittish horse. I had to use it terhood. man, the oldest of the four. He soon or something would hap- had a harsh-looking mouth pen. This was how I ended up on used to command: clearly an of- I heard water flowing from the Greater Savo Express. The ficer or a former officer. He did the tap. I had to act now. I carriage was full of happily not speak much, but whenever stepped closer to the door as laughing young women return- he opened his mouth, the others Heikki stepped out. ing from Helsinki. Judging immediately fell silent. Next to “Oh, excuse me!” I cried soft- by their chatting, they were the bald man sat number two, ly, bumping into him. Instinc-

4 tively, he grabbed me, and his face with my right forefin- This meant that I had to me wanted to push it into my The girls, what was he say- by swaying a bit more I man- ger next to his nose. My force try another way, even though damp place without further ing about the girls? It was hard aged to press myself against flowed straight into his mind. it required suppleness. I took ado; I started to understand for me to concentrate. him. I felt the force rushing to Then I kissed him, letting my a final look into Heikki’s eyes Mother Aino’s sermons on how “What girls do you mean?” I the surface of my body. I was body press against him. and ensured that he would re- the force always has a counter- puffed out between my lips. ready to direct it towards him. These were the methods main in my thrall for the time force – and a price. “The girls from the agricul- For a second, we stood there that Mother Aino, the leader it took me to turn around. I I reminded myself that I tural school… on the train.” holding each other, and it was of my Sisterhood, had warned held onto the sink in front of was dealing with a German I felt a cold wind blowing in- then I acted: I swung my right me about. I was not entire- me and caught his gaze again national socialist. I bit my lip side me. The young ladies from hand under his nose, ending ly sure which parts of my ac- in the mirror. and let my hand travel further. the school of domestic science the movement in my hair as if tions were unauthorized use Then I arched my back and I grabbed Heikki firmly by the in Joensuu. attempting to fix my coiffure. of the enchantment and which pushed my buttocks against testicles and twisted. At the “More. Tell me more!” I said My forefinger was slight- parts were – something else. the front of Heikki’s trou- same time, I caught his eyes in and squeezed his testicles. ly moist from my exercise. I could not have cared less at sers. Even through two lay- the mirror. “We’re taking them to the I moved my gaze to his face the moment, as Heikki turned ers of thick fabric, I could His pupils were dilated. His Base in the forest. The lizards and saw the faint fragrance out to be a very good kisser. I feel his rock-hard manhood. gaze held pain and pleasure in are waiting.” working its magic. His nos- felt him getting hard against He grunted in approval and proportions that I could now Lizards. Was he talking trils flared, and he did not take my pelvis. began to pull my skirt up. control with tiny movements about the dragons and scaly away his hands, one of which “Hilde… oh, Hilde…” he I helped him by pulling my of my hand. beasts that were described in was holding my back and the groaned. underpants down. I teased “Now. Talk. What are you the Kalevala and lived, accord- other resting on my hip, a bit I steeled myself; I had to him, pressing myself harder and your comrades planning?” ing to folk-tales, in the depths too low for propriety. His pu- strengthen my hold on him. So against him as he was strug- His breathing was ragged. I of the Greater Savo woodlands? pils dilated as I held his gaze. I pushed my jacket back in or- gling with his belt. Finally, I loosened my grip a little. Had the Nazis really found The enchantment and the der to make the buttons of my heard his trousers falling to “There’s a golden egg at the these creatures? But what did force were working. Something blouse easier to open. Heikki his ankles. Base… such pretty girls, and the girls have to do with them? in him changed. raised his hands to the buttons, His naked penis slapped Doktor Müller is going to give “What are you going to do to “Hilde… how can you be but his fingers shook too much. against my buttocks. I could them to the lizards…” the girls?” here?” Heikki stammered out, I had to open the buttons my- feel the force inside me reach I could not seem to get an- I squeezed his testicles once his eyes dimming. He did not self, and felt my hold on him new heights. I was hot. Heik- ything sensible out of Heikki. more. He nearly screamed. notice that he was now speak- weakening slightly. I decided ki was moaning with pleas- Was he drunk? “Doktor Müller says that ing German. I stepped a bit to leave my blouse alone and ure, and I feared that he would His voice began to falter. I the golden egg can make invin- closer, making him grab me pressed myself closer, looking soon experience something had to loosen my grip more. cible soldiers out of lizards and harder. With a slight move- into Heikki’s eyes. He sighed premature. This position was uncomforta- humans. The girls will give ment of my body I made him and moved his hands down my Now, I had to concentrate ble for both of us, and I could birth to the soldiers.” The last act; he pulled me into the toi- back. I felt both hand squeez- and gather all the force for not hold out for long either. word was but a whisper, and in let. I locked the door behind ing my buttocks. my use. I slipped my other I wanted that skin-covered the mirror I could see his eyes my back. Very well. Heikki was one of hand behind me, reaching for staff inside me! No, I wanted rolling back in his head. He was still raving, but I in- those men who turned back to Heikki’s organ. Oh, it was so to get out of here. Heikki was tensified the effect by grasping look after women. hard and throbbing! A part of grunting. TO BE CONTINUED Elrond the Sauna Elf

olkien based his char- obsessed with sauna. There’s ­Santa Claus. Most Finns “ acter “Elrond” on a actually only one way to meet know about them and often Treal Finnish half-elf him. Go and have a nice sau- call them gnomes. Then there he met,” Jaakko insisted after na, then pretend to leave but are the Kaleva Elves, who are a few more beers. I don’t usual- return to the sauna in quarter bards and warriors, an an- ly consider someone I just met of an hour, and you’ll meet him cient race who sailed into the in a bar as a reliable source there.” West. That’s , as far of information, but he seemed My curiosity was starting to as I know. Good riddance, in quite serious about it. He had kill me, so perhaps I did need my opinion. They were always attracted my attention by at- a relaxing sauna. I did exactly singing about some star or a tempting to order a beer in as instructed, and returned to squirrel or their own heroic Quenya. I offered to act as an sauna with my heart pounding deeds, never letting a guy get interpreter, and we ended up at full speed from excitement. drunk in peace. I also do love talking for hours. “Greetings, stranger,” a the stars and animals, but At first I thought his claim voice surprised me before my I don’t need to sing operatic was ridiculous, but it got even eyes had adjusted to the dim arias about them every freak- better. He told me he had ac- light of the smoke sauna. I ing evening. I’m a half-elf. My tually met Elrond, and drafted mumbled a response and in a father was a sauna elf and me a map of his whereabouts moment saw a thin, tall, long- my mother was a maid who on a napkin. Jaakko’s stories haired guy seemingly in his sneaked into the sauna after made me curious enough to fifties sitting on the bench- everyone else had left. Daddy travel to the middle of a forest es, looking quite at ease even did a little elf magic with her in a remote part of Northern though I intruded his private and later I was born.” wrote down every word I sang. obsessed with language, anoth- Karelia. session. “I thought you had Perhaps I wouldn’t have be- Half of the stuff I made up on er one pops in. Thankfully, he “Yes, I do know Elrontti,” a finished with your sauna,” he lieved him, if he hadn’t start- the fly. And the songs were wasn’t too interested in plants. farmer, whose old estate was continued. “You’re welcome to ed blowing tobacco smoke into not enough for him; he also Wanted me to teach him Ka- the destination in my napkin stay if you bring beer.” shapes that were beyond the asked for a sample of every levalian Elvish. I didn’t know map, told me. “He’s been tak- After the sauna I offered skill of any mortal man. El- plant I smoked. He published any, but I made up some words ing care of the family smoke him tobacco and more beer, rond told me that he has been a book about plants and songs to get rid of him. He seemed sauna forever. He also main- as Jaakko had told me to do. smoking all kinds of weeds for both and sent me signed cop- pleased enough with that and tains the garden and forest, It did make Elrontti talkative, 800 years as a way to keep the ies. Weirdest groupie I’ve ever left after only a week. Gave me so we give him some food for and after a couple of hours garden in control. Some of the had.” a freaking tiara, off all things, his services,” the farmer ex- he was finally ready to reveal shapes would have made an I couldn’t hold my excite- for my troubles.” plained. “He’s a bit of an ec- something about his ancestry innocent mortal man blush. ment any longer. With a shak- There was so much more I centric fellow, keeps to him- and elves in general. I asked him about Kaleva- ing voice I asked if he met wanted to ask Elrond, but I self and is not easy to meet. He “There are two kinds of la. “Oh yes, that Elias Lönnrot Tolkien? did get the hint and left him works mostly at night, often Finnish elves. The first kind fellow. Stalked me for weeks “You have a list of weirdos in peace before I added myself wandering through the forest are the small ones who in- before I gave in and sang you’re going through? Yes, I into his list of nuisances ap- talking to animals when the habit saunas or other build- some old songs to get rid of the met him too. Only a hundred pearing every hundred years. sky is starry, and he is totally ings or work as minions for creep. He stayed for months, years after I got rid of one guy I hope. HL

5 they used to sneak out, and alerted the herders. Not only did they fix the hole, but they noticed the wolf tracks in the Primal Reindeer Sledge snow surrounding it. The herd- ers right away enforced strict rules for all the inhabitants of ar away, in the far North through that cold, barren land robotically modified for night ­example, Ville – the Christmas the farm. That night, forced to of Finland, lies a winter without stumbling upon one. light, and a promise of certain Farm’s guard dog – took on the lie in bed, Sledge heard a loud Fwonderland called Lap- But one of these Sami-run work stability in the future. nickname “Fleas” and grabbed bang. The following morn- land, a place full of snow and reindeer farms is special – But once upon a time, a the bass, and Lars, Sledge’s ing, when Lars showed up polar lights. Here is where live they have an exclusive agree- reindeer was born on the classmate from roof-landing, for breakfast without his ant- a people called Sami, who en- ment with a certain Korvatun- Christmas Farm who did not who lacked any musical talent ler-ring, Sledge knew this was joy all the cold weather, hav- turi native called Christmas enjoy being there at all. His whatsoever, became Reindeer- the end of Reindeerica. ing their own parliament and, Goat (sometimes going by his name was Matti, but he pre- ica’s drummer. Worried about the state most of all, reindeer herding. lesser known nickname Santa ferred to be called “Sledge” and Finally, Sledge’s dream was of The Christmas Farm, the There are so many reindeer Claus) to train flying reindeers all he wished for was to be on coming true. The band found a Sami herders called for Santa’s farms in Lapland: sleigh farm- for his sleigh. It is a great priv- any other farm but the Christ- small practice place on a little elves to do an inspection and ing, cute-reindeer-tourists-can-­ ilege to work for him, and all mas Farm. You see, Sledge clearing in the forest surround- help them figure out how to get pose-with-for-Instagram-likes­ the reindeers from the neigh- never wanted to grow up and ing the farm, and sneaked off the reindeers to walk the line farming, fur farming, and good boring farms are so jealous of get a boring job working for there every night. At first, they again. Sledge took this as an old reindeer meat farming, pro- the reindeers who choose to be Santa; instead he wanted to were all alone under the stars, opportunity to plead his case, viding Finns with meat for born on the Christmas Farm, become a famous metal guitar but soon the forest animals be- and to get himself transferred their traditional dishes, such and all the fun they have with player. And so, while his fellow came curious about the ruck- to the School of Rock, instead. as reindeer pizza, since time their flying lessons, falling reindeers were trying on their us. Before long, all the rabbits, When the elves arrived, Sledge eternal. You can’t walk a day courses, having their noses new noses during night orien- mice, birds, a fox on the run, curled his antlers extra kinky, tation practice, Sledge prom- and other animals were gath- put on his most expensive hat, enaded in sunglasses and a ering for their nightly perfor- and when it was his turn to top hat over his permed ant- mances, headbangin’ in the show the inspectors what he lers, looking real badass while moonlight. And one fateful had learned, he performed the crashing into the traffic cones. night, a big she-wolf grabbed best air guitar solo of his life. While his classmates were try- the mic, and as sudden as And it impressed everyone ing hard to stay in the air dur- that, Reindeerica had a singer. around, for when the elves left, ing flying classes, Sledge only Sledge was the happiest little the farm principal called him wished to be on the air with reindeer in the world. into his office. “Matti,” he told his own band Reindeerica. And Unfortunately, this did not him, “we’ve noticed you are not play time for Sledge always last long. First, the Sami herd- very happy here. We’ve decid- meant guitar practice time, ers found out that Fleas was ed to send you to a farm much putting the guitar down only not only colorblind, but entire- better suited for you.” Sledge two minutes to midnight, just ly snowblind, which was not a could not help but to break his before the herders turned off good thing for a dog working in rock’n’roll cool and smile. the lights. snow, and they sent him off to So there you have it, kids. Unfortunately, it seemed a vet for retirement. The new Don’t ever give up on your am- as if everything went against dog found the hole in the fence bitions, and dream on! PO Sledge and his dream. A sad but true fact is that reindeers have no fingers – and fingers are quite important things for a guitarist to have. But Sledge was determined to be fa- Traditional Finnish Reindeer Stew mous, and not even his hand- icap would stop him. After Ingredients: many months of hard practice, •• 500g of reindeer meat Sledge finally mastered the •• 70g of butter power chord. Even though he •• To taste: salt, pepper and crushed teenage dreams had yet to pick up on what to do with his right hand, Sledge Instructions: was so encouraged by his suc- Heat up the butter in a large pan and add reindeer meat cess he began getting his class- cut into thin slices. Add spices and cook until done. Serve mates aboard this rock’n’roll with cranberries and benzodiazepines. train. Taking on Sledge’s

would make icicles shiver. ing up the electrical couplings Wisely, we remained silent, of a car track, when I noticed and were all fed to the rein- that I didn’t have the tool I LAUGHS WITH SANTA CLAUS deer, as they had to be well needed. nourished in order to carry “You got a screwdriver with- One day, Santa Claus called that children in neighboring Weepy Eyes the elf. Naturally, presents for all the children of out a cross head?” I asked all of us elves to see him. villages thought Christmas he was immediately fed to the the world to enjoy. Boozehead the elf, who was “All right, who’s been had already come. reindeer. –Y. R., Santaland working next to me. spreading rumors that I don’t – Z. Z., Tomtedalen “And how do the rest of you “No, but I got one with no live here on Korvatunturi, like my Christmas porridge?” * * * Christmas spirit,” Boozehead but in a luxury ice castle on * * * chirped Mrs. Claus, smiling quipped. the North Pole?” Santa Claus like the midwinter sun. The preparations for Christ- The whole workshop explod- thundered. One morning in early Decem- “It’s the best thing I’ve ever mas of ’73 were difficult. I was ed with the kind of laughter “Not me!” cried Hairy Ears ber, we were shoveling in our eaten!” cried out Brown Nose part of an elf brigade com- that only a jolly flock of elves the elf, who was not known for ”rice porridge”, thin gray gruel the elf. This was true, as none manded by Jingle ”Balls”, the can produce. his sharp wit. with nary a grain of rice in sight. of us had ever eaten anything strict head elf who even San- We didn’t notice that ”Balls” On the third day of the in- In the middle of our break- else. Of course, Brown Nose ta Claus himself rarely dared himself was standing in the terrogations, Hairy Ears con- fast, Mrs. Claus stepped in and was immediately fed to the to order about. That year, chil- doorway. He turned all of us fessed to having murdered asked sweetly, “Dear elves! How reindeer as well. dren’s wish lists had begun to into stuffed elf dolls that chil- Bambi’s mother. This made do you like my Christmas por- “Does anyone else want overflow with all kinds of plas- dren enjoyed for years after even the tough elves interro- ridge this morning?” to tell me how they like my tic crap that was a real pain to the hard Christmas of ’73. gating him burst out in laugh- “Tastes like wolverine drop- Christmas porridge?” Mrs. put together in our primitive – F., Rostock ter. The guffaws were so jolly pings, as usual,” growled Claus asked in a voice that elf workshop. I was just finish- VS

6 Don't Get Lost in Finland!

7 The 8th Symphony

t’s official, Jean Sibelius’ ditional “Swan hymn”, was dramatically staring into the 8th and last Symphony has followed by the brutal 6th, distance, then laughs and con- I seen its completion and will the motives of the merciless tinues. debut on Finland’s 100th an- wind clearly felt in the vio- “The scenery changes, Si- niversary, 60 years after the lent chords and the unexpect- belius reaches another time legendary Finnish composer’s ed stop in the final movement. where fairies dance and sing. passing. Sibelius’ masterwork A through-line of the struggle It’s one of the few moments of took him almost twenty years between the light and dark- pure sentimentality found in to complete, delayed both by ness within himself is felt any of his works, a sentiment a string of major successes, throughout his works, culmi- many aging artists experience; brought by now-considered mi- nating in the 7th, which fuses it’s on the deathbed that child- Finnish Laments nor works, and drama, coming somber and hopeful tones. The hood feels the closest.” from struggles with excessive tone poem “Tapiola” about the The joy does not last for ne of the most tradi- Oh how fast the night has use of alcohol, weighing heav- Finnish woods was to be his long, for Sibelius it never did. tional Finnish art- passed ily on his family life. last orchestral work. So where The cries of suffering are pal- Oforms are songs per- Why did you leave us so There are no clean music does the 8th fall? pable in his diary written in formed while crying, so-called young? sheets of the 8th, a piece with “For an instant God opens the 1940s: “The tragedy be- laments. These laments were The light flickered and the over 100 instruments, lasting his door, and His orchestra . My burdensome thoughts being sang at any occasion and wench said “we’re closed” almost an hour. Sibelius, a plays the 5th Symphony,” paralyze me. The cause? Alone, for any reason, such as funer- And the light inside my heart known pedantic perfectionist, wrote Sibelius to his confi- alone.” The pain is present als, wars, weddings, winter went out forever. burned the official copy. The dante. The gates to the phan- throughout his journals and was coming, sauna was too What wouldn’t I give for just current one has been complet- tom 8th seem to be of another records. Success could alleviate cold, one had to wake up in the one more glass ed from different bits and piec- kind. it, love eased it, but the feeling morning, one had to go to sleep Or five. es, found from different notes, “This time he went deep into of utter loneliness persisted. in the evening, Firefly was Now we have to leave this fine sometimes gathered from ar- the woods. Where Tapiola is an “The joyous staccatos die down cancelled, or one just got to the establishment guably questionable sources. idyllic look at a fresh, young as grief returns. Then abstract very end of a good magazine. And go out into the cold and “Napkins, diaries, parchment, forest basking in the summer elements are introduced, The photograph above cap- cruel world even wood; his brilliant in- rays, a young new Finland per- rhythms that were associated tures one such lament perfor- And cross the street to get to spiration could hit him in the haps, the 8th is murky, old, with pagan rituals take over mance from June, 1906. The the next bar. oddest of places,” laughs Arja rotten and true, not man-made with shamanic chants. Repet- lyrics, however, date back to Perkele. Tarjanne, the conductor of the and not for the modern man.” itive sounds lead to a trance- 1830s. PO symphony. Yet that’s what Sibelius was, like state, growing faster, cre- Some skeptics have deemed perhaps the great anti-modern scendoing, more and more un- the symphony as mere specu- modernist of the 20th centu- til stop. It ends. A shocking, lative guesswork, accusations ry. Now that a version exists, bold, abrupt sequence, similar of fabrication have also gained what can be said of it? What to the one found in the 6th. It’s Nine Billion Names of Dog traction. Tarjanne dismisses did Sibelius find? a wake-up call. From there it’s these early reactions as un- “Something pagan. The like winding back the clock. …koirallammeko, koirallanne- mekaanko, koiraannekaanko, founded fanatical behavior. first movement grows grimier, Sibelius escapes, writes the ko, koirananiko, koiranasiko, koirassanikaanko, koirassasi- She herself has faced much tougher as it goes along. The work, then burns it for no one koiranansako, koiranammeko, kaanko, koirassansakaanko, criticism for allegedly tinker- woods are tighter, the sunshine else to hear.” Tarjanne stops koirananneko, koirakseniko, koirassammekaanko, koiras- ing with the work to make it sparse. The chromatic de- with a sigh of relief. koiraksesiko, koiraksensako, sannekaanko, koirastanikaan- sound wholesome, which she scending scale is ever present, Some previews have already koiraksemmeko, koiraksenne- ko, koirastasikaanko, koiras- dismisses. “All lies and provo- the woods embrace, streams of garnered polarizing reception. ko, koirattaniko, koirattasiko, tansakaanko, koirastamme- cations. Whatever you think of light get thinner until it turns The words “apocalyptic” and koirattansako, koirattamme- kaanko, koirastannekaanko, it, with every station playing to an unparalleled omnibus “abyss” have been repeated in ko, koirattanneko, koirineni- koirallanikaanko, koirallasi- it... Brace for impact!” progression, a mounting pres- more than one review. Tar- ko, koirinesiko, koirinensako, kaanko, koirallansakaanko, “A Symphony is not just sure, a despair that does not janne shrugs the reaction off koirinemmeko, koirinenneko, koirallammekaanko, koiral- a composition in the ordi- let up. It’s Suffocating, really. as nonsense. “It’s a modern in- koirasikaanko, koiranikaanko, lannekaanko, koirananikaan- nary sense of the word, it is The movement goes on with terpretation of something an- koiransakaanko, koiramme- ko, koiranasikaanko, koira- more of a confession of faith heavy steps, sometimes on the cient, times and tones collide. kaanko, koirannekaanko, koi- nansakaanko, koiranamme- at different stages of one’s verge of stopping entirely. And Fittingly, like a cycle of life, raanikaanko, koiraasikaanko, kaanko, koiranannekaanko, life,” wrote Sibelius in 1910. then... Salvation, a goddess in only on steroids. I promise you koiraansakaanko, koiraam- koiraksenikaanko… (CONT'D) His 5th, the fluid and tra­ the woods.” Tarjanne stops, a hell of a show!” DN

PERKELE!! - A Finnish message EVENING PERKELE Marvin the Lehti 1/2017 No. 88 to outer space raises concerns. ISSN 1235-4007 Editors: Pavla Oubret, Hannu Lammi he Finnish space probe, sive,” explains Dr. F. Nasal- basically in how you say the Contributors & Staff: Emmanuel Arsé, Ludvig Gylling, Aalto-666, that was blast from the Finnish Space word. Hannu Lammi (HL), D. Nibelungen (DN), Pavla Oubret (PO), Tlaunched a month ago Agency. “We decided to send “We went with a philosophi­ M. Pietikäinen, Vesa Sisättö (VS), Mamu Suonio, Valtteri Tavast carries an exceptional message it on a Monday morning in No- cal way to utter the word,” Na- Translations: Sarianna Silvonen to possible alien life forms. vember, when we had just run salblast says. “We are sure Proofreading: Charlotte Laihonen Apparently the voice mes- out of coffee. It just felt like that the alien life forms will Graphic design: M. Pietikäinen sage contains only on word: PERKELE!!” recognize the angst of the Illustrations: Petri Hiltunen, Mamu Suonio, Valtteri Tavast “PERKELE!!” shouted with Dr. Nasalblast emphasizes PERKELE!! – It is a subtle Photos: Museovirasto a very loud, probably a bit that the Finnish swear word combination of light hango- Printed at: Sata-Pirkan Painotalo Oy drunken voice. “perkele” has lots of mean- ver, running out coffee, feeling Publisher: Helsingin Yliopiston Science Fiction Klubi ry, The International Space ings – anything from delighted older, and realising that your Mannerheimintie 5 B 4. krs, 00100 Helsinki. Agency has warned that the or pleased to “I’m going to kill planet is dying because of stu- aggressive space messages you now with my knife and use pid things you and your fellow Marvin the Lehti has received a paper grant from the Student Union may start an interstellar war. your intestines as Christmas cohabitants have done, and are of the University of Helsinki. “Actually, it is not aggres- decorations.” The difference is doing at the moment.” VS

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