•••PRICE 1€ Marvin the lehti EVENINGEVENING PERKELE!PERKELE! #1/2017 THEEVENING MOST RELIABLE SOURCE OFPERKELE! DISINFORMATION IN FINLAND The Vodka Factory: The Heart of Helsinki t’s a warm summer night distillery. In the summer, vod- meeting, or the parent-teacher in Helsinki. You’re walk- ka is served on the atmospher- meeting at the school. Or just I ing north along Mannerhei- ic terrace under the lindens. for the fun of it. Before each mintie. Suddenly you catch the Cheerful waiters will refill your plenary session of the Senate scent of fresh vodka drifting glass before you even have the House, the representatives through the trees. You have chance to put it down. Passed- form a long, winding line to the arrived in the spiritual center out customers are stacked up vodka tap. They are regular of Helsinki: the Vodka Facto- discreetly behind the bushes. customers and thus allowed to ry, located opposite the big- Busy townspeople tend to pour the noble spirit into their gest church in Helsinki, just a visit the Vodka Factory for a own vessels. townspeople are looking to “The Vodka Factory stone’s throw from the Senate couple of shots before rush- Every morning there’s quite wet their whistle at the daily House. ing off to their jobs, homes, a spectacle as the usual throng tasting: each morning, 200 vol- is the center of the If you have time, it’s worth the train, the doctor, the hair- of people crowds between the unteers are chosen to sample city’s public life and stopping for a glass of newly dresser, the tax office, the Vodka Factory and the center the vodka distilled during the made vodka straight from the shops, a friend’s house, an AA of Helsinki. These thirsty night to check that the drink festive occasions.” provided to consumers does not contain too much methanol. The Vodka Factory is also the center of the city’s pub- featuring colorful storybook lic life and festive occasions. characters marketing kiddie Each new president of Fin- vodka to schoolchildren. land visits the Vodka Factory If you happen to spend time in connection with the inau- in Helsinki on the first of May guration ceremony. This cus- or the Night of the Arts in Au- tom dates from the early years gust, you’re in for a treat. On of Finnish independence. Ac- these special days, the public cording to tradition, predic- fountains are hooked up to the tions on the upcoming term pipes of the Vodka Factory, of office are made depending and everybody can drink their on how long it takes until the fill of free vodka! president is carried out of the It’s said that the closest you Vodka Factory in a state of can get to the Finnish soul is unconsciousness. on the terrace of the Vodka Vodka is a part of everyday Factory on a summer night, Finnish life in thousands of when the raised voices of ways. Upon embarking on your young people sipping their first journey to Finland, you may drinks, the nonsensical mum- already witness pilots throw- blings of afternoon drunks, and ing back sturdy shots of vodka the snores of hardy customers before grabbing the controls who have sat there since the of the plane. On the streets morning are joined together in of Helsinki, you will quick- harmony – echoes of which can ly become familiar with vod- be heard in the symphonies of ka kiosks and advertisements Jean Sibelius. VS Helsinki Stock Exchange Ready Nine Billion Names of Dog BY ARTTURI S. LARKKINEN for Extraterrestrial Companies oira, koiran, koiraa, koi- lasi, koirallansa, koirallamme, rassa, koirasta, koiraan, koirallanne, koiranani, koira- Kkoiralla, koiralta, koiral- nasi, koiranansa, koiranam- elsinki Stock Exchange sell Nokia shares to alien in- them, create a galactic finan- le, koirana, koiraksi, koiratta, me, koirananne, koirakseni, announced today that vestors. Some minor details cial law, and also to find some koirineen, koirin, koirasi, koi- koiraksesi, koiraksensa, koi- Hthey are all set for trad- still need to be worked out be- developed alien cultures. Oh rani, koiransa, koiramme, koi- raksemme, koiraksenne, koi- ing shares of extraterrestrial fore the actual stock trading yes, and their companies need ranne, koiraani, koiraasi, koi- rattani, koirattasi, koirattan- public companies. can start. We need to deter- to write their financial reports raansa, koiraamme, koiraan- sa, koirattamme, koirattanne, “We have already added a mine if the alien culture un- in EU approved format. That ne, koirassani, koirassasi, koi- koirineni, koirinesi, koirinen- placeholder for the galactic derstands the concept of cap- takes some time to get used rassansa, koirassamme, koi- sa, koirinemme, koirinenne, exchange into our web page ital, convert their medium of to, so it would be a good idea rassanne, koirastani, koirasta- koirakaan, koirankaan, koi- template,” their PR manager exchange into Euros, explain to bring it up in a first contact si, koirastansa, koirastamme, raakaan, koirassakaan, koi- explains. “We are also able to the European financial laws to situation.” HL koirastanne, koirallani, koiral- rastakaan… (CONT'D) 1 Finland's Metal Tradition Traces Back to Ancient Times inland is regarded as the and created the first kantele, a most metal country in Eu- badass instrument made out of Frope, and rightfully so. the bones of a giant pike and The metal music tradition be- strings out of maiden hair. He gan already with the great was hugely admired among Blacknämöinen, the hero of the his fans, but some people were Finnish epic Kalevala, which jealous of his talent – such as describes the true history of the foolish Yo-kahainen, who Finnish people. Blacknämöin- decided to challenge him to a en is the embodiment of Finn- sing off. How did that end up ish metal: son of a goddess of for him (and how the superi- air, he possessed the loudest ority of metal was once again growl and scream in the whole confirmed), you can read in the land, drove women to suicides, excerpt below. Blacknämöinen Sings Yo-kahainen into a Swamp In the north of Kalevala, And show to that saggy old Yo-kahainen swerved towards You can never beat my free- The wheezing wind became Yo-kahainen, young MC sap the edge style his snare Heard of a singer, much better That I’m the best in a battle But he lost all control of his Look at you, you’re getting The shaking mountains were than he: rap!” sledge senile his drummer Blacknämöinen, brutal And drove right into the You just an old relic here in And the roaring thunder his minstrel Wise and worried, said his brutal bard Kalevala bass player Shredding louder than the mama Knocking him off of his own That warpaint makes you look thunder, “Do not go, or he will eat ya!” cart. like a panda! The whole land became Screaming songs of heroes But young Yo-kahainen did Feeling all tough in your Blacknämöinen’s band damned not listen Before Blacknämöinen said a spiked wristbands And sent Yo-kahainen sinking The most metal man of all Furious and firm in his word You can’t even put together a into the sand Northland. decision, Yo-kahainen turned his band! Seeing he was stuck up to his Grabbed his boombox and boombox on And yo mama’s fat. Yo.” golden chain Yo-kahainen, overcome with golden chain “Yo, the word on the street is Defeated and desperate he jealousy, And rode off in his pimped-up you’re better than me Blacknämöinen became filled shouted in pain: Decided there can only be one sledge. I’m here to challenge you to with anger “Please don’t eat me, I’m too MC see who’s the better MC!” And to stop the sap from pretty to die! Sulking, he said to his old Riding reckless, driving to Bemused and bashful further slander Let me go; I’ll give you my mama defend his pride Blacknämöinen Blacknämöinen, the brutal sister to sacrifice!” “Imma go to the South of Didn’t notice Blacknämöinen Gave the first turn to Yo- bard Kalevala was out for a ride. kahainen. Hit the strings of his horrid Blacknämöinen brought his harp, beastly gig to end “Yo, yo, yo! Let me introduce Fiercely frowning, he took a Intrigued, he inquired “A myself, breath sister, did you say?” I’m the new wonder and I’m And onto Yo-kahainen “A young one, she will taste here to stay! unleashed his wrath. tender when fried!” Yo-kahainen is the name Blacknämöinen has changed And I know all the stories To the mighty minstrel’s his monstrous mind there are to tell! sound of singing And yanking Yo-kahainen out There’s no one who drops Surrounding spruces swayed of the mess sicker beats headbanging Set off to cause the damsel And I know this land’s every His raw riffs resonated great distress. b…each. through the air PO Nine Billion Names of Dog …koiraankaan, koirallakaan, kaan, koirassansakaan koi- tansakaan, koirattammekaan, koiraltakaan, koirallekaan, rassammekaan, koirassanne- koirattannekaan, koirineni- koiranakaan, koiraksikaan, kaan, koirastanikaan, koiras- kaan, koirinesikaan, koirinen- koirattakaan, koirineenkaan, tasikaan, koirastansakaan, sakaan, koirinemmekaan, koi- koirinkaan, koirako, koiranko, koirastammekaan, koirastan- rinennekaan, koirasiko, koi- koiraako, koirassako, koiras- nekaan, koirallanikaan, koi- raniko, koiransako, koiram- tako, koiraanko, koirallako, rallasikaan, koirallansakaan, meko, koiranneko, koiraaniko, koiraltako, koiralleko, koira- koirallammekaan, koirallan- koiraasiko, koiraansako, koi- nako, koiraksiko, koirattako, nekaan, koirananikaan, koi- raammeko, koiraanneko, koi- koirineenko, koirinko, koirasi- ranasikaan, koiranansakaan, rassaniko, koirassasiko, koi- kaan, koiranikaan, koiransa- koiranammekaan, koiranan- rassansako, koirassammeko, kaan, koirammekaan, koiran- nekaan, koiraksenikaan, koi- koirassanneko, koirastaniko, nekaan, koiraanikaan, koiraa- raksesikaan, koiraksensa- koirastasiko, koirastansako, sikaan, koiraansakaan, koi- kaan, koiraksemmekaan, koi- koirastammeko, koirastanne- raammekaan, koiraannekaan, raksennekaan, koirattani- ko, koirallaniko, koirallasiko, koirassanikaan, koirassasi- kaan, koirattasikaan, koirat- koirallansako… (CONT'D) 2 greatly enhances your stami- na, strength, AND agility, was a huge success.