SIZED G- A

*NEW HANDB issue 7*, epiphany 2008 DURHAM’S “TERRORIST”

IT WAS A FRONT-PAGE SPLASH IN . 'DURHAM TERROR SHOCK,' SCREAMED THE HEADLINE. AN EDITORIAL CLAIMED THAT 'TERRORISM HAD REARED ITS UGLY HEAD.' NOW, JUST OVER A YEAR ON, WHAT’S HAPPENED TO THE MAN AT THE CENTRE OF THE ISSUE, NOSRATOLLAH TAJIK? // page 7

“NEWS” 2-5 // COMMENT 6-9 // FEATURES 10-11 // MISCELLANY 12-16 2 NEWS IN BRIEF MOSTLYHARMLESS EPIPHANY 2008 DURHAM CONSIDERS DURHAM GRIPPED BY sporting a hoody adorned with the word “Aggy,” causing a massive boom in MOTTO CHANGE POMME DE TERREUR Fruit of the Loom sales. One student University Officials are said to be Unrest among students of Durham said 'I am so relieved that stash is in – considering changing the University University has come to light as this it's sooo flattering.' motto from the current ‘Fundamenta year's crop of freshers have threatened Cordelia Graham eius super montibus sanctis’, which to violently rebel against the potato- means ‘fundamentally superior to the laden college food regime. "I can't locals’. The change, if approved, will handle it anymore," said Hild Bede NO SEX PLEASE, come in time for the 2008 intake. fresher Edward Maris-Piper, "before WE’RE STUDENTS university, my body was 80% water. A report released last month revealed Now it's 80% potato. I'm literally a that a worrying number of Durham potato shape." undergraduates are becoming "Everyday I have to choose between increasingly frustrated by the overload roast potatoes, chips, potato wedges, of sexual expression being thrust into sautéed potato, potato cubes, baked their youthful faces. The foremost option being potatoes, reconstituted potato carrot- “I can’t cope with this anymore,” considered is ‘Non Oxon Est’, shapes, and potato flavoured ice cream. mutters Tom Smith, a first year biology according to a highly placed source that And that's for breakfast. I want to die." student. “I grew up on a farm, for cannot be named for legal reasons. The Charlotte Spencer-Smith Christ's sake!” After studying female source noted ‘The change has actually anatomy all day with no opportunity to been a long time coming. The new DURHAM ROCKS practice non-theoretical examination, motto will reflect the true quality of the Tom and his fellow students are students at Durham.’ FASHION bombarded with sexual health stalls and The proposed motto has had a mixed This season, designers from around the leaflets at their canteen. They come reception from Durham students. Mr B world have taken their cue from Durham home to find their Proctor handing out Sherman, Grey College, objects to the students, peppering catwalks in London, condoms in the corridors, and the motto being in Latin, raising the astute Paris and Milan with haute couture atmosphere in Loveshack Wednesdays objection ‘What the fuck does that sportswear and gilets. Hordes of is driving them nuts. mean?’. Durham students breathed a sigh of “The drive to educate us is Other mottos being considered are contentment as designers revealed their incessant,” groans Tom. “And I’m only ‘Come for the education, stay for the winter ranges of oversized personalised aware of one thing: I’m not getting any.” simmering antagonism with the rugby shirts, quip-adorned t-shirts and Rachael Revesz indigenous population’, ‘No darkies‘, or strange hats. simply ‘Number Three’. British top model Agate Leyn has Luke Blackburn even been spotted in east London

The logo of the mysterious splinter group Durham Intercollegiate Christian Union (Nihilistic Chapter)

Poetry Corner L. Ron Hubbard Went to the cupboard, To get him some Thetan juice. Inside Mr Cruise, Abstaining from booze, Said: “This Xenu chap’s rather obtuse”. Dan Dyer MOSTLYHARMLESS EPIPHANY 2008 NEWS IN BRIEF 3 PRISON BREAK Russia at the moment that most people demonstrate an accurate portrayal of life will vote for whoever he wants them to. in today's Britain for polite and ‘A HIT’ IN GAZA However, whilst the implications for the hardworking South American Hundreds of Palestinians have been Russian Federation, the Democratic immigrants. incorrectly released from Gaza today in Ideal and World Peace can be Anton Lazarus a mass break out led by nondescript evil overlooked, the consequences for our militants, following a breach in the outer noble jocular institutions are far- BROWN TO NEUTER wall of the compound. One inmate, reaching. commenting on his new freedom, spat a 'The only way it could be worse is if WATCHDOG challenge to the Israeli government, a chicken crossed the road. I have Gordon Brown announced yesterday his "I'm going to buy bread, cheese and nightmares about that you know,' plan to have the sleaze watchdog petrol". Professor I P Freely, of the Department neutered. Said he: "Whilst this The Israelis, fearing that these will for Irony said, while a colleague from watchdog was clearly useful sniffing be used to create suicide devices against the Institute of Puns croaked: 'I might as about the legs of the Tories for hidden their people, have pledged to capture well be dead.' bits of sleaze, in the light of the Peter these dangerous criminals, many of Luke Blackburn Hain affair, the slobbery beast has been whom are guilty of being practicing DEEP SOUTH let loose in the Cabinet Room. It's been Muslims in Israel. scuffing up the curtains, drooling on Chris Williams ELECTIONBOYCOTT Tessa Jowel's crocodile-skin stilettos. It Several Southern states of the US have even bit Ed Balls in the, er, leg." RUSSIAN REVERSAL announced that they will not hold the According to government sources, Apply a thick Russian accent and say planned primaries for the Democrat the watchdog will be replaced with an the following, 'In the West you elect party's presidential candidate. When elderly dachshund called Kinnock. President. In Mother Russia, President asked if this was because of an objection Richard Hadden Elects You!' Ever since Yakov Smirnoff to the flawed and complicated popularised the Russian Reversal in the primary/caucus thingy, Texas Governor 1980s, this sentence, and sentences like Rick Perry said: it, would have caused riotous laughter to 'No, it's just that with the two main erupt from one’s audience. candidates being a black man and a No more. Comedic technicians at De woman, we didn't think anyone round Montfort University, England's joke here would vote. I mean, if the university, have discovered that this Republican nominee had been Condi particular Russian Reversal is actually Rice, we would just have shelved the true. Dr Mike Hunt, Department of whole damn thing.' Chiastic Humour, indicated his views: Thom Addinall-Biddulph 'We are quite simply astonished. Jokes Gordo at leisure shouldn't bear any relation to reality so PIGS SHOOT BEAR this is a big problem for us.' In the latest instalment of the children's APPLE UNVEILS stories of a Peruvian bear in London, the first in over twenty-five years, IDCARD Paddington is set to be brought into life Following on from a successful range of in twenty first century Britain. Apple products including the iPhone, In addition to the already announced iBook and iHouse, the iD Card, "detention by the immigration services" designed as a popular replacement for incident, it has now emerged that the the ID Card, was unveiled at a press book will culminate with Paddington conference yesterday by Home being brutally murdered by armed Secretary Jacqui Smith and Apple co- police on an underground train, founder Steve Jobs. ironically at the station whose name he Despite the relative lack of interest has taken. Insiders have described how in the Apple Exam introduced in 2006 – Paddington is to be dramatically the iBeClever, often abbreviated to the pursued through London before being iBe – government officials have pinned down on a train seat and, without remained determined to work with the warning, shot at eleven times. Six technology and lifestyle gurus. Mr Jobs Vlad in action bullets will hit his head and one cut explained: “For those worried about The development was precipitated through his shoulder. security, rest assured; only the by the nomination of Dmitry Medvedev While critics of the new story line Government, Apple, and carefully to be the next president of the Russian have described it as "barbarous," selected third parties will have access to Federation by the incumbent Vladimir "tasteless" and "totally unsuitable for your more personal details. Putin. Putin's popularity is such in children," the publishers are keen to Simon Castle 4 DURHAM NEWS MOSTLYHARMLESS EPIPHANY 2008 JACK WILLS ATTACKED BY ANGRY MOB ROBIN MORRIS ESCAPES WITH A VERY NICE POLO SHIRT

The Durham outlet of controversial optimistic price scheme, but to one of armbands, wasn't it? I guess they're clothing label Jack Wills was this week these unlucky bastards it must seem like more like reverse Nazis. But definitely besieged by a raging crowd of slavering Stalin met the Monopoly man and had a still bad." He went on for some time. protesters, who dubbed the North Bailey socially apocalyptic lovechild. They'll shop a "pestilent cathedral of find themselves forced to drone on and nightmares and children's tears." on about the issue for hours at a time to This comes as the latest in a string of anyone who'll listen - we found one poor incidents highlighting the bizarre level lad who was reduced to standing in front of anger evoked by the clothing chain. of a mirror all day, just muttering '£15 Whilst the spectacle of such visceral for a pair of socks!' to himself. Tragic, fury being directed against a high street really." brand initially appeared to defy rational In an attempt to gain some insight explanation, Professor Gethyn Old, a into the condition, your correspondent geneticist attached to the University's flirted with perilous levels of tedium by Department of Things People Need to voluntarily talking with one of those Get Over Because Seriously Guys, affected. Thudmer Boresom, creator of claims to have found the source of the Facebook group 'I hate Jack Wills more Jack Wills, Durham Branch baffling phenomenon. than everyone else to the extent that I There does, however, seem to be Research in the department suggests am forced to physically harm myself to some hope of respite for those tiresome that exotic additives used in the express my rage' was more than happy unfortunates who have been affected. preparation of Jack Wills apparel trigger to chat. Professor Old suggests that the strategic a 'self-righteous egalitarian rage gene' He immediately launched into a employment of phrases such as "oh found in a small section of the tirade of near concussion-inducing hush, you hopelessly boring tool" or population. "These poor souls lose all dullness, suggesting that "Jack Wills is "fuckin' damn it, going on about Jack sense of proportion about trivial issues literally, literally disgusting. Distinctive Wills got old in Epiphany 2006" can at like high street labels," the Professor clothing to mark out membership of a least reduce the frequency of irritating explained. group…is anyone else reminded of a anti-Wills outbursts. MH can only "To you or I, Jack Wills is a harmless little thing called Nazi Germany? Except recommend his advice and hope for the Abercrombie & Fitch clone with an it was the Jews that had to wear the best.

Tom England MOSTLYHARMLESS EPIPHANY 2008 ESTHER RUDOLF 5 ESTHER RUDOLF GETS IT ON RESEARCH METHODS: APPROACHES AND PARADIGMS

I'm on a date! I'm on a date! At least, I does the lean. Am I ready for the lean? GREER’S FAIRYTALES: think I'm on a date. I'm at the back of the The lean is approaching, but I haven't Market Tavern with an offensive tasting decided what I think about it yet. I CINDERELLA alcopop and a boy/man (it's difficult to mean, the lean is the sort of action that tell at this age, every male person looks forces you to… oh wait, the lean has MODERN INTERPRETATIONS FOR like a man until he shaves his beard off happened, and now we have face THE ENLIGHTENED LADY to reveal a high-achieving fourteen- contact. I deliberated for too long, like year-old). the United Nations Security Council, 1.Traditional Feminist take This is what Americans call a date, and now loads of people in Africa are and what the English tentatively call, 'a dead, and a boy from my module is Cindy is quite attractive and pretty friendly drink and a catch-up, 10pm at kissing me. clever. She meets a complete prince the Market Tavern, yeh?' because this is Oh no! Is that his tongue? So soon? I charmer at a party who asks her out. what you'd normally do with the boy haven't opened my mouth yet, I'm not However, her step mother won't let her you know a bit but not that well who sits ready to open my mouth, it's untimely. go and makes her stay home and study. next to you in 'Research Methods: Christ, he's licking my teeth, he's Unhappy, she consults the Earth Approaches and Paradigms'. actually licking my teeth. I'm just Goddess for help but receives a standing here, letting him lick my teeth. relevant text book instead. “Don’t stick your It's ok, Esther, just close your eyes Cindy got all As and went on to and think of 'Research Methods: become a top human rights barrister. tongue in my ear! Approaches and Paradigms'. He's still She lived happily ever after with her licking my teeth. And my lips… and my supportive life partner Dave, whom For the love of God face? 'Research Methods: Approaches she met at a Germaine Greer reading at don’t tongue my ear” and Paradigms'! His mouth is all over Glastonbury. When they adopted an my chin! ethnic baby he quit his job so he could Maybe after this, I can invite him 'RESEARCH METHODS: be a stay-at-home dad. She lives back to mine, on an obviously flimsy APPROACHES AND PARADIGMS!' happily ever after. pretext. I love obviously flimsy pretexts; This is horrible! I can't bear this! I'm just they're both shit and THE shit: 'Oh, holding my face here to be polite! His 2. Faux-feminist version fancy a cup of lemon tea in my room at tongue starts to migrate, away from my eleven thirty at night? Yes, that would be mouth and central face area, across my Charmer was an absolute fitty who lovely - mmm, lovely lemon tea, this is cheek. asked geek-chic Cindy to a charity nice, how lovely and innocuous to be Don't stick your tongue in my ear! ball. She slept with him on the first having a lovely cup of lemon tea in your For the love of God, don't tongue my date because she was a liberated 21st room late at night with a bit of soft ear! If he tongues my ear, I will have to century woman on the pill for lighting. run home immediately and bleach my convenience. He bought her a kinky There's absolutely no way that we're entire head, and that will hurt a lot. pole dancing kit so she could tone up in about to have sex. Sex? Haha, the idea Damnit! I'm just going to have to be a sexy way as a liberated 21st century is practically risible!' Maybe after, or rude! woman. even during, sex, we can talk about I rip my head away from his tongue, She learnt to please him with sex 'Research Methods: Approaches and blurt something about 'Research tips she learnt at the erotic massage Paradigms'. Ah, what a great module. Methods: Approaches and Paradigms', class she attended as a liberated 21st Heh, maybe I can be qualitative data and run away so quickly I trip over my own century woman. They got married and he can be quantitative data, and we can foot, and fight like a dog to get up again she stayed at home to look after the triangulate. Godamnit Esther, stop so that he won't come and help me. I kids, as she was at ease with her innate thinking dirty about 'Research Methods: run, madly, desperate, flailing, all the motherly instincts as a liberated 21st Approaches and Paradigms'! way home, and slam the door violently century woman. He lives happily ever It's past last orders so we grab our behind me. after. coats and step out into the While I catch my breath, a wave of disappointingly still chilly Durham air. relief rushes over me. Oh thank god. 3. Equality Cinderella Christ, I haven't actually listened to a Thank bloody god. My flatmates are single thing he's said all night. There's out, there's lemon tea in the cupboard, Cindy and Charmer went for a coffee, literally only one thing on a girl's mind. 'Collecting Numerical Data: Issues in split the bill, realised they wanted And that's 'Research Methods: Research' lies, provocatively, on the different things in life and went their Approaches and Paradigms'. table. Baby, let's get it on. separate ways. They live happily ever We're saying our goodbyes and he after? Katy Fitzpatrick 6 COMMENT MOSTLYHARMLESS EPIPHANY 2008 BLACK, BURNING STUFF, AND NOBODY KNOWS WHY MAGNUS TAYLOR LOOKS RACE, VIOLENCE AND MEDIA MISREPRESENTATION

Kenya is currently in a bit of a state - The only news we ever get from there a pickle, if you will. Some people is of war, disease or famine. We seem to be killing each other, others believe that these things are are running dodgy elections, and the unchanging entities which will always rest of the world looks puzzled and exist in Africa, because they are what says: 'but I went on holiday there last characterises the continent. year and it seemed nice.' Consequently, it is beyond our own News coverage of the Kenyan capacity to resolve such a mind- crisis does little to answer any of our bogglingly complex situation. Rarely confused questions as to what exactly are we asked to confront the issues is going on. Normally you see a that motivate such violence. conventionally dishevelled (white) Over Christmas I was discussing a English journalist standing in front of recent business trip my cousin had a group of smiling/chanting/starving taken to South Africa. Whilst she was (black) Kenyans. He/she will probably there a murder had taken place in her say something about the death toll of hotel. It was a basic, un-extraordinary innocent Kikuyu/ Kalenjin (who all murder; a personal feud motivated by seem to look the same to us) and then personal reasons. In short, it was the the film will cut to a shot of some sort of murder that happens all over young men running around the the world every day of the year. vicinity of a burning building. At some However, my cousin, who is an point there will be gunshots. intelligent, well educated professional Sometimes the correspondent will woman, chose to attribute the murder Simply ‘what they do’? give us two minutes of rather garbled to the fact that 'they have no real explanation. We hear names of tribes perception of the value of human life burning stuff. Kenyans are killing of whose significance we have no real there.' Kenyans because they are poverty understanding, political leaders who stricken, disenfranchised and used as we imagine as corrupt megalomaniacs “she has become dispensable pawns in dangerous and a comment from someone in the political games. British or American government imbued with the The modern Kenyan state has saying we really should do something unthinking impulse failed its people, so they have resorted (quite what is not generally revealed.) to the collective security that their that Africa is a tribal identity gives them. Violence place in which the against another tribal group becomes a rational means of dissent because it normal rationality seems to be the last available means of of human asserting one's economic and political grievances. Violence has been behaviour has projected onto the old model of savage ceased to function.” and divisive tribalism, but in reality its prime motivations are things we are My cousin is not a racist, but it all familiar with and should attempt to seems that she has become imbued understand. with the unthinking impulse that Africa is a place in which the normal Visit the Website rationality of human behaviour has ceased to function. People kill each Want more where this came other because this is simply ‘what they from? We have far more good do.’ This is patently not the case. stuff sent in than we can print. Fratricidal violence as we are now Get a taste of it on our website, seeing in Kenya is terrible, but as with which has all our back issues and Pawns in a dangerous game all violence, it has a strange and awful exclusive material regularly rationality to it. This will only be updated on the blog. Basically, we don't understand why discovered if we take the time to dig things happen like they do in Africa. beneath the lazy pictures of black men www.mostly-harmless.org.uk MOSTLYHARMLESS EPIPHANY 2008 COMMENT 7 WHATEVER HAPPENED TO NOSRATOLLAH TAJIK? TOM WALKER INVESTIGATES DURHAM’S VERY OWN TERROR CONTROVERSY

It was a front-page splash in Palatinate. him and that, it seemed, was that. Why planning to do so. Iran might strike an 'Durham Terror Shock,' screamed the did we lose interest so quickly? aggressive pose towards the United headline. Inside, articles cited dubious It hinges on the word 'terror'. Once States - though, according to the recent academic reports warning of 'Islamic he was painted as a 'terrorist,' Tajik and National Intelligence Estimate, it is not extremists' in Durham, while an his case became irredeemable, developing nuclear weapons - but is editorial claimed that 'terrorism had indefensible. We assumed, doubtless, anyone seriously suggesting that it reared its ugly head in a small that Durham had had a lucky escape, wants to use night vision goggles to university town in the North of that US-administered justice had been invade Los Angeles? The link is England.' served, and that all was right in this best tenuous. Now, just over a year on, what's of all bubbles. happened to the man at the centre of the It's not quite that simple. Entrapping issue, Nosratollah Tajik? Flo Herbert, suspects in this way is banned in the DSU President, wasn't sure. 'I'm Britain. In 2003, a judge rejected a sorry, who?' 'No-one even mentions £15million fraud case because he him any more,' said a tutor from the deemed police sting tactics to have Institute for Middle Eastern and Islamic 'overstepped the line between Studies, where Mr Tajik had taught legitimate crime detection and languages. 'Most people don’t even unacceptable crime creation'. know who he is.' Moreover, the crime of which Tajik is accused of isn't illegal in the UK. When the case came to a UK court in April 2007, it would have been perfectly possible to disallow Tajik's extradition. Yet the 'terror' connection seems to have made all the difference. The district judge ruled that 'the intended effect of the alleged actions was to Goggles: Cause for Extradition? bring about harm within the US,' and granted his extradition. Britain's extradition agreement with the US is infamously one-sided. British “Why have we so police must show a 'reasonable case' Tajik: Appealing Extradition against the suspect to bring them to the Tajik may be out of our minds, but assiduously ignored UK. he's only barely out of sight. He lives all of this? Has the The Americans have no such with his family four miles away from obligation, a problem brought to public Durham in Coxhoe, rarely leaving the concept of attention by the NatWest Three's house. His car and home have been 'terrorism' itself forcible removal to Houston for their attacked four times. And he's appealing alleged role in the Enron scandal in his extradition order to the United become so mundane 2006. Tajik is planning to appeal States. against the decision, but in the face of We all seem to have forgotten about that we don't think American pressure, his prospects don't Mr Tajik pretty quickly. The former to give it a second look good. Iranian ambassador to Jordan was Why have we so assiduously entrapped by US Homeland Security glance?” ignored all of this? Has the concept of agents in November 2006, allegedly Tajik was allegedly selling arms to 'terrorism' itself become so mundane caught on film agreeing to sell night- Iran; Iran has links with Hezbollah, the that we don't think to give it a second vision goggles to Iran. Palatinate told us Lebanese Islamist group; therefore he glance? Did we assume Tajik was guilty that he was due to be extradited to face must have been selling arms to merely because the Americans said so? trial in the United States. Hezbollah. By extension, went the US Or, even worse, because he was After that, we heard nothing more. line, Tajik was himself a terrorist. Iranian? Whatever the outcome of this Not a mention in any of the student The logic of the judge's decision case may be, it is a damning indictment papers - MH included - nor a comment bears closer examination. Hezbollah on us, and the university as a whole, from the DSU; nothing. The university haven't launched any terrorist attacks that the vast majority of us haven't even hurriedly distanced themselves from 'within the US,' and aren't suspected of heard of Nosratollah Tajik. 8 COMMENT MOSTLYHARMLESS EPIPHANY 2008 HOW DO YOU DO? NICOLA WILSON LAMENTS THE LOST ART OF THE SIMPLE HANDSHAKE

A strange old riddle, peculiar to those of special level of hell'), one is advised to handshake is a vital social tool. mischievous temperament, runs thus; instantly shake hands with every However, present a stranger with your "What do men do standing up, women interviewer before resigning oneself to hand today, complete with do sitting down and dogs do on three the relentless agony of Appearing unthreatening smile and friendly legs?" Clever Under Pressure. greeting, and you might as well have The answer is, of course, shake offered them a mouldy haddock. hands. Those of you who thought I am forced to admit that, yes, a otherwise should congratulate handshake is a little old-fashioned, a yourselves on the cultural British little bit traditional. I would like to point double-entendre heritage you have out however, that we do not shun absorbed into your subconscious. And traditions such as being nice to old perhaps lay off the Carry On films. ladies or refusing to confront people The humble handshake has been a who push into queues in front of us. bastion of greetings since the first Such things are bastions of our social ancient tribes showed each other that conventions. They have made Britain they carried no weapons, whilst A handshake solves all great; or, at least, tolerable. In light of simultaneously keeping the members of Another example is that of our this, let us make a vow together. the other tribe safely at arm's length. The benevolent and all-knowing rulers on Let us throw off the shackles of this most effusive of Victorian greetings high (read: 'self-serving political money era of endless embracing. Let us cast centered on a vigorous pumping up and barons'), who utilise the handshake to aside the need to greet a new down (steady on double-entendre portray international harmony. You may acquaintance with nothing more than an readers) of your fellow man's hand as notice their simultaneous use of a smile awkward smile. Let us reject The you warmly welcomed him with a cry of of remarkably false sincerity. "See Ruler Cuddle. Let us reclaim the handshake - a "Good Lord, Jenkins, my dear fellow!" of Country X? See how we shake firm, honest and direct expression of our The name might have been optional, but hands? See how we touch like Victorian human love for one another, a love that the handshake itself was a vital gentlemen? This shows that we like does not require full body contact or component. Country X and wish to trade amiably unnecessary touching. Let us remember Even today, in our sexually- with them, and that they have absolutely that eye contact is as valid as chest enlightened, touchy-feely age, this no oil reserves whatsoever. Country Y, contact. Let us step forwards, hand-in- simple gesture carries a considerable however, with its vast oil fields and marginally-damp-hand, into a new and weight in certain circumstances. Upon unfamiliar religion…" wonderful future. entering a room for a formal interview, For the contact-sensitive, the Want to shake on it? (otherwise known as 'descending to a conservative and the unclean, the WHY I HATE TKMAXX TKMaxx is the shopping destination money by giving boring people a of choice for stupid people. People that uniform. ANTON LAZARUS want “Big labels. Low prices.” People In twenty-first century Britain, who think that having “Quiksilver”, identity is open to the free market. Never trust a shop that values “Adidas” or “Nike” plastered across Buying clothing with a certain brand Reccomended Retail Prices; question their clothing somehow increases its, name is self-pigeon holing, at a cost, for one that believes in perpetual and their, worth. People who don’t boring people. promotion; but avoid like the plague understand, or want to bypass, the TKMaxx’s “concept” allows people any establishment that doesn't practice already moronic concept of paying extra to buy themselves a cheap identity, in safe X. for a brand to be associated with its every sense of the word. Cheap because The premise of TKMaxx, what they carefully and expensively crafted it’s £20 off the RRP, and cheap because irritatingly refer to as their “concept”, is image. an identity based on big-business to buy ‘big label’ clothing in bulk and To wear an obviously branded item marketing should be worth nothing. sell it on from their bomb-site shops at: of clothing is in invitation. An invitation I hate TKMaxx because they make “Always up to 60% off!”. ‘Always up to: 'look at me, look at my brand and money by selling this worthless to’? That doesn’t make sense. I object to associate me with a certain image.' This "identity" and then boast that it’s good limiting a sale price and then using it as logic demonstrates a belief in the value. Or maybe I'm just bitter because a marketing device, but I suppose it importance of being peer-reviewed. It’s they only had those Abercrombie and doesn’t surprise me that it works. Why? not “good dress sense” to wear brands, Fitch jogging-pants in XXL. Because TKMaxx is a shop frequented it’s latching onto an image that has been exclusively by morons. created to make copious amounts of MOSTLYHARMLESS EPIPHANY 2008 EDITORIAL 9 MOSTLYHARMLESS MUTTERS LET THEM STRIP

The scoop ran across the front page of the Palatinate: In conjunction with Private Eye, we’re giving away a council in crisis over Loft turning into a strip club. If this free year’s subscription to their acclaimed satirical wasn’t Durham, with its adorable and rather comforting publication. All you have to do is demonstrate your lack of anything like news, you’d think they were worthiness to receive such a coveted prize: installing a budget nuclear waste dump. The article reported that there’s even a Facebook group To enter, complete one of the sentences below in less than 150 words: with over 300 members (at the time of writing there were //‘I think Bill Bryson should be replaced by the 254 – always good to see the Big P really energising a talking PG Tips chimp as chancellor of the university debate). That compares to over 200 groups, with a good because…’ 500,000 members, devoted to stepping on crunchy leaves; //‘I think DSU president Flo Herbert should be made truly, the Loft Crisis of ’08 is the issue of our generation. to apologise to West Africa for the ravages of slavery The DSU had already weighed in a few months back committed against the ancestors of its inhabitants 200 with a survey about student safety on North Road, years ago…’ reporting back that there had been “mixed results” but that //‘I don’t really think much about anything, but hey definitely “some” students were concerned. Some? Call here's this other interesting thing...’ us cynics, but that sounds to us like a weaselly way of saying that most people weren’t really fussed. Apparently Entries should to be submitted to the idea of groups of drunk people on North Road wasn’t [email protected] with the subject such a shocking prospect to the average Durham student line: 'Private Eye' - the best will be published after all. online and in the next edition. The winner will be announced on the website. Submit entries by 5pm We don’t, of course, mean to come out swinging for on Friday 15th February. strip clubs. They’re a bit seedy and pathetic at the best of times, and there are valid reasons to consider them genuinely unpleasant. On the other hand, that doesn’t make it a good idea to whip up spurious safety concerns over a club which (if it ever opens) will probably have a negligible impact upon life in Durham. The DSU’s own survey sounds like it showed that the student population is largely apathetic. Here’s to that – a tried and tested student position, and on this occasion a well thought-out one too. Who Made This?

Editors: Tom Walker, Magnus Taylor, Siddharth Khajuria Editorial Consultant: Anton Lazarus Sub-Editors: Robin Morris, Thom Addinall-Biddulph, Cordelia Graham, Charlotte Spencer-Smith, Nick Collins, Richard Hadden, Chris Williams, Rachel Rutty, Maxime Dargaud-Fons, Alaric Green Chief Copy-Editor: Claire Turner Copy Editors: Lucy Davies, Tobias White, Rebecca Newsom, Lucy Eldred Images:Jack Logue, Alexander Walker Cartoons: Clarice Holt, Tom England, Dan Dyer, Ben Whittle Finance and Logistics: John Corcoran Marketing: Alaric Green Distribution: Izzy Arundell Designed by: Siddharth Khajuria Printed By: Sharman & Co: www.sharmanandco.co.uk 10 FEATURES MOSTLYHARMLESS EPIPHANY 2008 GIVE ME SOME OF THAT COOL FUN MAGNUS TAYLOR DONS HIS SKINNY JEANS AND TRIES TO HANG WITH THE COOL CROWD

Durham. Famous for being the land of insofar as nights there take place to the of stripey, dishevelled, indie charm. To the Prince Bishops. Famous for being accompaniment of songs that, shock say that Cool Fun is rickety and relaxed the last resting place of the Venerable horror, you might not have heard is rather an understatement. On an Bede. And slightly less famous for before. And not just other songs by average night you can expect the being the subject of a rather dull Old Whigfield (I'm reliably informed they microphone to fall over at least once, English poem. This obviously, adds up do exist). someone to rush back to their bag half to a place that is alive with fun and I have been going to Cool Fun for a way through their set to retrieve a lights and music every night. As befits while now, and although audience forgotten prop, and for Jenni (who a city that once ruled the northeast, it is numbers vary it is one of the few things comperes the evening) to say she's now a thriving metropolis offering in Durham worth a second glance. 'really excited' at least seven times. many destinations for a staggering Unlike most club nights in the city, The thing is, I think she probably is range of nights out… dancing isn't required. However, if genuinely excited, with life, with At this point we hit a problem. during the evening you decided you talking to the people in the front row Durham isn't a thriving metropolis. It wanted to stand on your chair, sing the and probably with a set of brand new isn't really a city, to be honest, and even national anthem and pull out your best colouring pencils she was given for her its claim to the name 'town' is dubious. moves, it would probably be welcomed birthday back when she was eight. As For a night out your choices, if you as an amusing diversion rather than an with everyone who performs or attends don't just want to get wasted and whirl irritating nuisance. Cool Fun, she looks like she is actually around in a frenzy of barely consensual enjoying herself. hugs, Whigfield and vomit, are “If you decided to I make no pretensions that, thanks essentially breaking in to the Botanic to Cool Fun, Durham is the new Garden or chasing the horses that stand on a chair London. It's not a slick, professional occasionally live on Whinney Hill (not outfit; it's not going to overshadow the that I condone either of those and pull out your Prince Bishops in Durham's history just activities…publicly). best moves, you’d yet; it might not be quite your thing. So, anything a wee bit different But it's something different and (within limits- arson is still illegal in probably be enjoyable, an alternative to somewhere this country, I remind you) is good. welcomed” that actually makes a virtue of being Like Cool Fun: a small, silly, rickety 'Europe's second-worst nightclub', so at stand-up comedy night held every The night was started over a year least give it a try, and realise that there second Sunday at Fishtank; a bar that ago by members of the Durham Revue is, in fact, more to life than being able offers something more than cheap and Wittank. It's now run by Jez Scharf to throw up in purple following the drinks and questionable music. Well, and Jenni Armstrong who are both full Brownie Bomber.

Clarice Holt MOSTLYHARMLESS EPIPHANY 2008 FEATURES 11 ALL ABOARD THE SS AMERICAN ROSA RANKIN-GEE GETS A KICK OUT OF DULOG’S SHOWCASE PRODUCTION, ANYTHING GOES

DULOG's 'Anything Goes' is just like after. But it's also not awkward, because DULOG performance. I say it to myself, soup. When it's fresh out of the fridge, the production is self-aware, and so slowly. I never thought this was possible. the texture is batty and it tastes a bit like light-hearted that there's no room to Director Alex Carey, in an interview with a fart-version of itself. Bung it on the hob resist it. A few scenes later, the very Durham21, says she's "looking forward though, and it's DeLightful, its DeSoupy, same sailors, in nothing but bow ties, to buying a G&T as the curtain goes up". its DeCreamy, it's DeLovely. straddle a piano/each other. They have Well, a queue of people will want to buy It's Tuesday; first night, cheap night. found their 'laddy fair'. And the show has it for her; and also for choreographer We are the 7 pound crowd - we'll found its Gramophone groove. Lily Howkins and dancing godman Ben sacrifice quality to save a quid - it's who The cast: if I could type and give Skinner. And all of the chorus. In fact, we are, it's what we do. I've taken it one them a standing ovation at the same time, they're on me… Land ahoy! Everyone to step further: seats with restricted vision. I would. Ben Starr's Billy Crocker is the bar! Nothing but the best. The ticket lady charismatic and plausible. When singing lured me into it. "It's where the box was" in a lower register, you could shut your she said. Ooooh, the box, I thought, eyes and pretend you were listening to “If I could type and Posho! I shall wear my Theatre Coat! No Rex Harrison (a regular fantasy of mine). give them a standing need, I'm up with the Untermenschen in Reno Sweeney (Hannah Craine), the the wings. Worst still, one must crane evangelistic nightclub singer, gives a ovation at the same one's neck in order to peruse the stage. measured performance, and her voice time, I would” Bollocks to buggery, one thinks, where is has a 40's twang to it, a warm crackle my Lucozade bottle full of wine? which makes it like listening to one of Or not. That was definitely the the greats through a vintage LP player. Lucozade bottle (formerly) full of wine Public enemy no. 13, Moonface Martin talking. It's not even over yet. During the “We’re the £7 (Matthew Johnson), is dripping wet with final reprise, the entire cast move as one. crowd: we'll sacrifice stage charm; his comic timing is I'm reminded of a gospel church. Palms impeccable, and we relax in his criminal are outstretched in the sky and there's quality to save a hands. It may be the Lucozade bottle (by something rapturous and religious about quid, it's who we are, now a quarter) full of wine speaking, but their smiles. They aren't "do it for the it's what we do” I think I'm in love. blinky at the back of the London

Cole Porter's 'Anything Goes' is a musical farce, set aboard the transatlantic S.S American. It's about wide-boy Billy Crocker who stows away to win the heart of engaged debutante Hope Harcourt. It's also about eccentric earls and nightclub singers, fake vicars and Chinese reborn Christians, finger snapping and toe tapping, incongruous love matches that shuffle into place for the finale. Anything Went It doesn't start well. It is awash with technical hitches. The conductor knits Lord Evelyn Oakleigh (Joel Bubbers) Palladium" smiles, they are real smiles. very nice music, but it is also very, very, also floats my SS American. He is the They are having such fun. And it's troublesomely loud. Microphones perfect English caricature; awkward and infectious. unstick from sweaty cheeks and for the oversensitive, but, paradoxically, spindly Afterwards, as we all swarm down first few numbers, all lyrics are lost at and bendy enough to be a contortion the stairs of the Gala, we recreate the sea. The audience are dry-teethed with artist. His pinched-nose newsreader RP sound of the orchestra warming up panic. Two. More. Hours. Man over is also a wonderful antidote to the before the show. Everyone is singing board; and it's suicide. occasionally hammy American accents, their favourite riff under their breath, or But then, as if by microwave, it and his solo, where he recounts a romp tattooing a beat on the banister. I think warms up. Tense muscles melt, and with a girl called Plum-Blossom in a rice "buoyant" is what we feel. everything is looser, lighter, better. 4 field, is arguably the play's funniest, I go home to put drawing pins in my camp, tank-topped sailors sing "There finest moment. shoes (on the underside of my soles, will always be a lady fair". It is certainly But it's all good, actually. In fact, it's nothing kinky) and tap dance 'til my toes not a lady these particular gentlemen are rather brilliant. I'm having fun at a ache. 12 MOSTLYHARMLESS EPIPHANY 2008

the Durham Union Society February 8th: This house fears Iran February 15th: This house favours an independent Scotland February 29th: The house would boycott the Beijing Olympics

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"The highest scoring candidates at the with a transparent fibreglass sneeze- some 'choice' looking slices of pickled shortlisting stage will be invited to guard. Their assessors would be stern- cucumber. He looks up timidly, attend a pre-assessment centre lunch (5 faced, sharp-eyed and straight-nosed, importunately at the assessors, as if for September) and the assessment centre with silver-rimmed spectacles to match approval. Inscrutably, dispassionately, (10-12 September).” the cart: ring-bound pocket notebook in they simply observe. One blinks, “The buffet lunch is not part of the one hand, and a sharpened pencil in the another yawns. The applicant panics; selection process but will offer the other, observing closely behind the they are growing bored - 'shit,' he thinks, opportunity to meet fellow candidates service. 'I had better make my choice.' Bravely, and lawyers in the recruiting a little too quickly even, he plunges the departments and also find out more metallic freak-tweezers into the about the processes involved on the gherkin-slices, and emerging, assessment day." triumphantly allows them to drop onto his plate. He looks up again, this time This extract was reproduced with kind defiantly - but the assessors are (lack of) permission from the Special impassive as a row of rooftop gargoyles. Recruitment Website of the Government Afterwards, his nerves placated, he Legal Service. They also tell you that takes some salmon cutlets and - for applicants must have a First or 2:1. One added sophistication - a small-sized would have thought that anyone capable chicken quiche. of such academic attainment wouldn't Tortuously, this ritual is repeated need to be reassured that "the buffet twelve times over; one candidate after lunch is not part of the selection another: it takes about three hours. Each process." But perhaps not; perhaps the time the Assessors are just as impassive GLS is responsible for those helpful and dispassionate. Many opt for the little warnings on the sides of coffee- Choose Wisely... cutlets, fewer for the cold saltbeef; but cartons; "Cuidado, Caliente!" Italicised The first hopeful proceeds. With each and every one succumbs to the for emphasis... Thanks for that. Yeah, meticulous care he takes a polished seductive charm of the chicken quiche. Muchas Gracias, Pajeros. brown tray and places it on the bright silver rails, he equips himself with all like a comically the necessary accoutrements: cutlery “ “Those helpful little and crocs. He shimmies slowly - oversized pair of warnings on the side painfully- along. Then, unable to bear the tension; to resist the temptation, he tweezers from some of coffee-cartons; sneaks a fugitive glimpse of his terrible nightmare” “Cuidado, Calinte!” assessors - The Judging Panel. They remain inscrutable as statues. He It subsequently transpires that the Italicised for regains his composure: 'play it cool,' he quiche is contaminated with a emphasis... Thanks thinks, 'like Samuel Jackson in that particularly virulent strand of film.' Involuntarily the theme-tune to Salmonella. When all are seated, the for that. Yeah, 'Shaft' begins to play in his head - inscrutable assessors suddenly undergo Muchas Gracias, suddenly, to his horror, he is smiling - it a sinister transformation. They adorn couldn't be any worse! Quickly he themselves with gaily-coloured party Pajeros.” controls himself. 'Discipline,' he thinks; hats, pull loud, colourful party- 'focus - I got a decent 2:1 after all.' streamers and blow on high-pitched I'd like to imagine that the GLS are Steadily, he surveys the plastic inflatable whistles, whilst prancing cleverer than that; that, despite what compartments of food before him, around with big red rubber noses they say, it's a double-bluff and the trying to keep up an air of nonchalance. attached to their faces. All this takes buffet-lunch actually is a part of the Picking up that instrument (which is place to the musical accompaniment of selection process. I'd like to imagine peculiar to buffet-scenarios, like a Prokofiev, being blasted in the those hopeful fledgling legal-eagles, comically oversized pair of tweezers background. immaculate in their breeches or sensible from some terrible nightmare), he "Surprise!" they shout sassily, as skirts, queuing up nervously behind one considers frantically what he should they dance demoniacally about the another as they proceed slowly - hearts select. His arm moves with the applicants, who are left writhing and thumping almost audibly - towards a mechanical rigidity of an amusement moaning in agony on the polished bright, shiny silver buffet-cart, complete arcade claw, pathetically hovering over parquet floor. 14 GET INVOLVED MOSTLYHARMLESS EPIPHANY 2008 Quality Student Accommodation in Durham City Centre

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MostlyHarmless is changing. Not to advertisers and students. Can you Finally, we need writers. Do you just the size, not just the colour, but help us raise money, or could you have an opinion or just something loads of things you can’t see as well. come up with a plan to make you think needs saying? We want to This means we need help. So, do take notice? Tell hear it. If there’s something which you have talent, experience, or even us if you want to make a difference. enrages (or shocks, or delights, or just an opinion? amuses, or depresses) you, write Can you draw? We need cartoons about it and send it to us. Don't We need talented people who can and cartoonists. worry about being funny. Most of us help our paper look even better. Do aren't; we just like people who have you know about computer design, something to say for themselves. We do you have creative ideas, or do care about what you write. We read you just take a bloody good photo? every word. Then we read them Tell us if you think you can help. again, get other people to read them, and argue about the positioning of We need someone with internet semi-colons. experience who can take our website by the scruff of the neck, get So, get involved. If you want to be it moving, sort it out, and keep it part of Mostly Harmless, if you want updated with the latest articles and to send us some work, if you want to cartoons by our writers. Tell us if tell us what you can do, or if you you like a challenge. even just want to chat, email us at [email protected] We need people with energy, common sense, and perseverance who can help market our paper both Ben Whittle MOSTLYHARMLESS EPIPHANY 2008 TV LISTINGS 15 TONIGHT’S TV WILLIAM G. PILGRIM MOSTLYHARMLESS EPIPHANY 2008