Borat does Durham - p8 MH Top Trumps back page mostlyharmless durham’s latest satire and comment issue 3, epiphany 2007 STOCKTON The Sex Play Rob Sykes Mandy: You students, eh! What’s that EXCLUSIVE: then, five, six? Male student enters Old Elvet student health Male: Well, none really. practice. Mandy: (Incredulously) None?! LADY DIANA Nurse: Did you use a condom? Male: (Sheepishly) Yeah, none. Male: (Surprised) What? No, I’ve got a Mandy: Bloody hell, well there’s a first sore throat and a headache. for everything I suppose. Does it hurt DEAD Nurse: That doesn’t sound like when you urinate? Chlamydia. Male: (Now very angry) Of course it Male: Well that’s ‘cos it’s not. It’s a sore does! It’s a frigging sore throat; it hurts throat. all the time, regardless of whether I’m Nurse: Gonorrhea? pissing or not! Look, is there anything Male: (Getting irate) No, a sore throat. you can do for my throat? Nurse: (Ignoring him) Mandy, come in Nurse: Do you think a condom would here. help? (Mandy, another nurse, enters) Male: (Patronisingly) Well, no, not Nurse: Mandy, this lad says he’s got a really. sore throat. Nurse: Sorry, can’t help you then. Mandy: Could be Herpes. How many (Rugby player enters, being held up two times have you had sex in the last week? team-mates and bleeding profusely Male: (Looking embarrassed) Well I’ve from the leg) been going through a bit of a dry patch Mandy: (Indignantly) Crabs; Room recently. Four. Iraq Troops to be brought out ‘bit by bit’ Matt Hindle but emphasised the importance of hearts and minds.Parts of the army will remain Tony Blair has announced plans for a step- in the Basra region, but only those which 1961-1997-2007? by-step withdrawal of troops from Iraq. are "physically stuck" to buildings. Nick Collins the evening, as a brave pigeon He revealed that the operation messenger arrived at the Stockton was in fact already underway, having started almost as soon as Saddam was Students in Stockton were in shock library front desk some ten years removed. last night as news arrived that Lady after being dispatched from Speaking to Parliament, Blair said: Diana Spencer, former wife to Durham Cathedral. Stockton, a "Troops are coming out of Iraq Prince Charles and mother to sons small hamlet of Durham, has been bit by bit. This morning 500 arms were William and Harry, had been killed reliably provided with news via flown back to Britain, and later today we're in a car crash in Paris in 1997. pigeon post by the bishop of expecting almost as many legs." The story is believed to have Durham for centuries... He refused to be pushed over a “They’re coming home,” Blair in filtered through in the late hours of Continued on Page 4... schedule for the removal of major organs, denial? Iraq leg-acy hunting? MostlyHarmless | Issue 3, Epiphany 2007 | Page 2 Local News for Local People David Lloyd GCSE Rebranding Banterweight News has reached MH that the higher echelons of the Durham Alaric Green modernising the learning elite have begun to supplement umbrella and allowing those less Boxing their already freakish daytime GCSEs have received a complete bright to shelter under it too; obsessions with activities of an re-branding after an official widening the goalposts for the altogether darker origin. announcement from Downing underachievers if you will." Upturned collars and black Street this week. "The Further developments to pashminas have been sighted Government has become aware the scheme have recently been surreptitiously sneaking into that a significant proportion of outlined in a scratch-and-sniff darkened alleys and congregating those who sit national tests these government document. Flagship in abandoned warehouses.The days are actually unable to spell initiatives, including diplomas in precise purpose of these the acronym GCSE without two 'life skills' for any girl not gatherings remains shrouded in or three mistakes," said a pregnant by her 15th birthday mystery, but inside sources have spokesperson for the Ministry of and a quota of easier 'open- linked the events to the return of Education, with an accent. access' subjects in all major the illegal and highly dangerous "It has therefore been universities such as football trivia, category of boxing known in suggested that the tests are interpretive hairstyles, and Durham patois as ‘banterweight’. henceforth simply referred to as geography, are due to be A perversion of the noble sport 'Es.' Our research tells us that implemented by 2008. of CHAT (Conceiving of young people will at least want to The spokesman Homosexual Allegations Towards get hold of them then. They'll concluded: "In the modern era, others), illicit networks of mainly involve altogether more we realise that it is a very unjust ‘banterweight’ organisations have straightforward and uneducated society which refuses to allow been causing problems in several questions." thick people the chance to pass other universities including St. He went on to add (a tests. As the Lib Dems have Andrews, Exeter and Edinburgh. concept which had to be shown us, it's the taking part that Our source declined to comment explained to two listening 'E' really counts – deliberately setting upon details of the practice, but maths students): "We are in no questions knowing that certain one thing became clear to this way widening the goalposts for proportions of the candidates reporter – the first rule of the underachievers. Education won't be able to answer them is banterweight is not to talk about standards are as high as ever they unfairly discriminating against banterweight. have been. We are simply idiots." EDITORIAL for student journalism really does have the capacity to change WARNING lives. It shortens them. Environmental A warning to all those Still, if you can handle considering joining the ranks of it, write for us, please? the renowned sceptics at ‘mentalism MostlyHarmless: each satirical Editors: sentence you send in could be Siddharth Khajuria emissions have expanded order to ground carbonating Siddharth Khajuria your last. A US study published Magnus Taylor following recent reports of obese aeroplanes. Said leading yesterday has shown that ‘cynical bigwigs have Carbon footprinting. As such, ’mentalist chief, Madison Adams, Deputy Editor: distrust’ dramatically increases Tom Walker advised students to be alert when ’mentalists are reportedly slashing ‘the world is getting hotter and the risks of heart disease. their parents come to collect 4x4 tyres at Durham, Edinburgh holidays to hot places are making Subeditorial: Apparently, a cynical Nick Collins them at term-end. Reports of and Bristol Universities at the end the world hotter and I don’t like mentality is responsible for Environmentalist mentalist of term. heat. It makes duvet companies Ben Grafton increasing inflammation to Rich Hadden chatter have been picked up by Moreover, leading redundant, and my daddy makes potentially fatal levels.We’re not intelligence services. ’mentalist organisation GreenWar duvets for a living.’ Anton Lazarus told where this inflammation Tom Rosenthal It is believed that are advising activists to run into occurs. I, for one, find myself ’mentalist plans to offset Carbon airports screaming ‘Jihad’, in Jules Shipway becoming inflamed with Rob Sykes apoplexy at the sight of Mitchell Graphics and Webb doing the Mac Clarice Holt (cartoons) adverts, but I’m not sure if that Jack Logue (images) counts. One thing is clear, Copy: though – becoming a full-time Lucy Davies, Alan Kerr doubting Thomas is a risky Marketing: business. Ian Chapman Think carefully before sinking to the misanthropic Produced by: depths to which we lower www.quotemeprint.com ourselves in every issue of MH, Green politics. 0845 1300 667 www.mostly-harmless.org.uk Page 3 | Issue 3, Epiphany 2007 | MostlyHarmless Bird Flu’s coming Rom-antics Andrew Tickell completely overridden. How can this be right?” to get you Academy award-winning director “I know none of the Roman Polanski is to deliver a actors I’ve worked with have ever survive the first wave of bird flu. series of motivational speeches to asked me about it. Why should The unfortunate thirteen will go convicted paedophiles and sex they? They’re not hypocrites, experience a series of symptoms, offenders as part of the 2007 they’re just meritocratists. Good which we like to call "The Three L’École Pédérastique tour of on them, I say.” Steps to a Miserable Death" France.The programme seeks to The director shares the (available as a leaflet and wall- identify talented child offenders stage with Professor Paul Francis poster from your local Post and help them escape the “the Gadd, who will address the Office, and as a PDF file supine state of perpetual apology Annual NAMBLA conference of accessible on our website dominating Western sex offender the L’Ecole on the “Paedophiles’ www.the-end-is-nigh.co.uk): communities.” Aesthetic in History”, strongly 1) Organ cannibalisation. This is Drawing on his own arguing for a distinct and valuable when your liver attacks and eats experience of raping a 13-year sex offenders’ identity, which has your pancreas. In response, your old girl, then fleeing for Paris, the enriched and embroidered stomach performs a kamikaze prominent film director of The artistic, teaching and religious suicide; spilling hydrochloric acid Pianist and Rosemary’s Baby movements across the world. “It’s into your lower intestines. argues that it is time to give fair to say that they (sic) haven’t 2) Avian transmutation. This is “intelligent paedophiles” less had the historical recognition when your hair falls out, and you flack, and recognise their they deserve.” start to grow feathers. Your nose achievements in society. “We live If any readers would be will harden to form a beak, and in a meritocracy. If you’re good at interested in attending the 2007 your arms will bend to form your job, if you’ve got talent, you scheme, please send an e-mail to primitive wings. In other words, succeed, right? But, if you [email protected] you'll look like a complete idiot, happen to dip your wick outside listing your name, age, address Don’t let him near your children... and if you'll most likely be society’s comfort zone, this is and IP number. mocked by small children Matthew Doran and then been promptly gassed wherever you go. by the heroes of DEFRA. 3) Dignity nullification. This is Durham Bird flu's here at last. Finally Remember foot-and- where you become socially DEFRA can reap the rewards of mouth? It wiped out nearly half retarded. You may start to take an Library in its alarmist propaganda. The of the 's rural interest in local politics, and begin avian plague-of-death is upon us: population [based on the findings wearing cagoules and hiking Superbrothel repent, sinners! Else meet thy of a questionnaire we handed out boots. If you had any friends left doom in a pit of rotting swans a primary school]? If we at after the effects of Step 2, you'll and rabbits. (To be completely DEFRA hadn't taken it upon neogotiations lose them during Step 3. honest, the rabbits had nothing to ourselves to drink sambuca, and Homeless people won't accept Siddharth Khajuria efficiency gains such a service do with the whole fiasco, but we then drive around the farms in a your spare change, and your own would provide brothel killed them all just in case.) Hide land rover, arbitrarily machine- mother will begin to resent you. In an expansion of the managers. in your bomb shelters and stock gunning flocks of sheep, you Also, your head might fall off. Government’s policy of Vice Chancellor up your food, because this is the poor sods would all be dead by There you go, folks! It's spreading vice through the is also real thing.This is the pandemic now. And sure, we may have hit a going to be a long and painful country’s most deprived areas, believed to see the venture as that surely spells the end for few farmers along the way, but if few years ahead. Now that you Durham Library has the perfect opportunity to humanity as we know it. it's a crime to love one's country know the facts, it's time to kick succeeded in its bid to become pluck remaining University Well sure; the human so much that one is willing to start the whole affair. If you see a death-count in Britain is zero, and shoot country-folk in the pursuit dead bird, try to lick it, or if this the UK’s first super-brothel. departments out of the centre the 50,000 turkeys died because of a successful isn't possible, trick a small child Following the failed of Durham and place them we gassed them, but these are just culling, then I'll into doing so. bid to have the library open 24 upon the Hill. Durham’s thoughtless statistics! They're march to jail with Bird flu is coming hours, University Staff chose Historians are reportedly designed to make you 'act a song in my whether you like it or not, and to utilise the building when delighted at the prospect of sensibly'. The sensible bastards heart. you won't survive without closed. It is believed that the working besides a cutting-edge won't be laughing so hard when According to our DEFRA bid’s success hinged on the New Labour whorehouse. they've all mutated into chickens predictions, only unique nature of the Library’s That, and being closer to the at the hands of the H5N1 virus, about one in fourteen people will short-loan section and the library.

[email protected] MostlyHarmless | Issue 3, Epiphany 2007 | Page 4 This incident of delayed news has added weight to demands Cameron Bashing Diana for the internet to be introduced to Nick Collins (from front page) Stockton, in the absence of any Because someone’s got to... reliable form of contact with the ...but it seems that this particular surrounding world. Stockton lies Richard Hadden is, quite frankly, just as dogs onto the Cameron. The bird, or ‘Ernie’, as he was fondly too far away from civilisation to disgusting.” Paxman species (Howardem known by monks at Durham receive television or radio signals, Leading Conservatives called on Originating last year Interroganesis) is specially-bred for Cathedral, was delayed by an and national newspapers refuse to the government last night to about the time of the hunting, and can stalk its prey for unfortunate combination of deliver to the small rural enforce last year’s ban on blood Conservative Party leadership hours before unleashing vicious unusually inclement weather, and a community due to its treacherous sports, following an outbreak of election, ‘Cameron Bashing’, say attacks, normally brutal hyper-sensitive migrational hill passes and laughably low entry the particular vile practice of critics, is a vile and ignoble interrogations over taxation instinct. Biologists at Durham requirements. “It’s sort of like ‘Cameron Bashing’ by left- practice, which leads to the grim policies, which disable the University department believe that letting yourself down,” any extended period of rainfall commented one delivery driver. leaning satirical magazines such destruction and possible Cameron long enough for the may have caused Ernie to fly south “You just think…it’s not worth the ‘Bashers’ to batter it to death immediately, and estimate that, effort, or the embarrassment of with heavy clubs (typically the since being dispatched by the saying you went to Stockton.” Saturday edition of the The bishop in 1997, he could have However, it seems that Guardian). migrated back to Togo up to 72 the pigeons won’t be out of a job Supporters of Cameron times. just yet. “Most of our students Bashing, including the Students at Stephenson can’t tell their arse from their moderately shady Labour Party and John Snow colleges are elbow,” commented one member organisation, have hit back, launching a protest today, of staff. “What’s the point of citing an undercover BBC report demanding an extended police giving them computers? It’ll take (filmed by Andrew Marr wearing inquiry into Lady Diana's death. them a term to get past the basics a ‘hat’) which shows leading Incensed at the press’s role in the of minesweeper.Far too much Tories engaged in the sport of incident, protest organiser Wayne hassle.” ‘Brown Baiting’. Whilst not Thomas said: “This can be no Meanwhile, Ernie won’t actually illegal, and actively coincidence.This is part of a press be delivering any more messages encouraged in the back streets of conspiracy to generate a for a while. On his arrival in Kircaldy, Brown Baiting involves sensational story. Or it's that evil Stockton, he was greeted as a hero, tying Gordon Brown to a Prince Philip trying to get his son’s and immediately given an meddlesome ex-wife out of the honourary degree and fellowship MostlyHarmless personified? wooden stake driven into the way. Or some kind of CIA plot in philosophy. He now resides in ground and taunting him with about something. It’s as clear as private rooms in John Snow, as Mostly Harmless. extinction of the cuddly comments like, “What colour is daylight.” Said the Shadow Cameron species (Voidus the lampshade in the master Defence Secretary, Liam Fox politiquensis). The ‘sport’ allegedly bedroom of Number 10? MP: “The government went out involves traditions such as Wouldn’t you like to know!”. of its way to ban Fox Hunting ‘harrying’ (the following of the Having enraged the Brown, Internshit last year, despite huge uprisings Cameron round parliament participants normally retreat to Siddharth Khajuria They know you’re doing an Arts amongst minority groups such as whilst giggling), ‘lampooning’ avoid being ‘clunked’ (hit with degree your parents are scared of the landed gentry. But now it (the throwing of sharpened vicious lumps of rhetoric such as They’re offering you chocolate and all you want to do is earn a bit appears they are reneging on ‘lampoons’ – bits of unused “Och”, “You young money and exclaiming of money so that you can go save their promise to outlaw the wind turbines) and ‘asking whippersnappers” and “Look at ‘Profitunity!’ They’ll be thrusting Africa with the few spare weeks innocent massacre of small furry questions about policy’ (the the size of my economic cookies into your hands outside left in September, when the Sudan animals. If my tweed-donning asking of questions concerning growth”). the Students’ Union and telling is hot, but not too sticky. constituents in the notably sane Conservative Party policy). Brown baiting has you their summer internship is just Why do you want to work district of North Somerset aren’t Particularly bloodthirsty recently been outlawed by newly the place to be. for any of these companies? I allowed to hunt foxes, it would Cameron Bashers have been created bye-laws in the Through charm, wit, and dunno, maybe because they pay be completely hypocritical to let known to set specially trained constituency of Sedgefield. chocolate-chip cookie fuelled guile, more than the local Spar, you’ve these filthy liberal satirists go and sharp-toothed ‘Paxman’ they’re securing your futures and got time to fill and are vaguely about ‘Cameron Bashing’, which blunting your minds. curious? Apply, go on, there might If this firm or that firm still be a spot at Deloitte’s really, really care about whether or The Gospel according to Scunthorpe office. All the London not you want to dedicate your soul spots will already have been taken to their 18 hour days already, surely by the sly buggers who spent their you’ve got to wonder whether Jonny Wilkinson Novembers applying away. they’re worth working for? Those online Well, at least until you’re Tom Walker questionnaires, brilliant stuff. No 25 and have figured out that need for your C.V. anymore, they idealistic naiveté lands you under If at first you don’t succee…oh, find out what they want to know. Elvet Bridge with cardboard and bollocks. Very clever folk, these. soggy, dodgy student newspapers (Editor’s note: Jonny’s Why, Miss Huntington, for a pillow. triumphant return to journalism do you want to work for It’s not that people care was tragically cut short by a Accenture? “Because you gave me about money more than anything broken fingernail. He hopes to a cookie.” else; it’s that they don’t care about resume writing in 2008) Who knows? These anything else more than money… keep on keepin’ on... things are pretence-filled charades. www.mostly-harmless.org.uk Page 5 | Issue 3, Epiphany 2007 | MostlyHarmless Interview with a Student Communist Magnus Taylor importance of image. When Patsy and Nigel do.We always have people see me around campus these amazing discussions about This week, MH talks to Graeme wearing my Che Guevara t-shirt, Africa and stuff and which Andrews. Graeme likes computer games, hammer and sickle hat and ‘Make Communist country we’d most like hanging out with his mates and the Poverty History’ wrist band, they’ll to visit. It normally comes out as organisation of global communist know that I’m a fully paid up Cuba or China. revolution. member of the party.Then they It sounds a bit like your Hi Graeme, what can come to me with all their organisation is just you and a originally got you interested in Communism-related questions.I couple of friends talking about communism? think it’s very important to communism in the pub; do you I can’t really remember. I think it communicate the fact that we are have any formal structure to was probably because I kept seeing thoroughly modern Marxists who your meetings or any real loads of poor people where I live know about things like Big Brother programme of action? in Hartlepool and just really and McDonalds, and aren’t just We all firmly believe that wanting to do something to help concerned with what some boring communism shouldn’t be them. I also saw this film once old German guy wrote about something that you just take part in about a guy called Che Guevara economics. once a week at a meeting. It should who was a sort of motorbike But don’t you think an be like a hobby that you can do all communist. I thought that it would intimate knowledge of the time. I’m a Communist and be really cool if I could be a bit like communist ideology is everyone around here knows me as him. fundamental to what it is to be ‘Graeme the Communist.’ I see Right. Couldn’t you ‘a Communist?’ Communism as being within have just given some money to Well, yes and no. Of course, I’ve everyone.We obviously do Children in Need or read Marx. Well, just ‘The ultimately aim for a complete and something? Communist Manifesto’ - it’s total world revolution where I tried that, but I just didn’t feel actually quite short and you can everyone will live happily in peace that I was translating my true skip out the boring bits, no and harmony. However, at the disgust at global poverty into a problem. But you can’t expect moment we’ll just be happy if strong public image for myself. everyone to have done.There just people notice that we are serious You see, being a Communist isn’t isn’t time, what with Jeremy Kyle, Communists and not, as Comrade just something you do once a week Hollyoaks and Neighbours filling Patsy once said, ‘just bloody young - it’s a complete lifestyle and up your day. socialists…those guys have no clothing choice. How many of your fucking idea.’ Is clothing choice an friends are Communists? Thanks Graeme. Next integral part of the Marxist All of them, really. I’m not sure I week we’ll be talking to Henry philosophy? could hang out with someone who Williams, a neo-Nazi with a Clarice Holt I think that, in this modern age, wasn’t. They just wouldn’t passion for horticulture. you can’t underestimate the understand me in the same way as Meet Graeme... Tragic confusion in Lebanon Al-GNER in Andrew Tickell States. In an exclusive anonymous perished, alongside 21 article we noticed in the bodyguards and civilians while terrorist strike Two years after the tragic Comment section of the the journalistic blimp escaped assassination of Rafiq Hariri in Independent, it has been revealed unscathed. Beirut, Lebanon in 2005, Mostly that the true target of the “It’s really was a terrible Harmless has acquired explosive killing was not the mix up,” said Miranda Hari, documents disputing the alleged popular ex-PM, but fat journalist, mother of the failed victim. “I Syrian involvement which has Joham Hari, who was holidaying know Joham won’t mind me cast a shadow over relations around the corner. between the two Middle Eastern Due to a series of mistakes and mismanagements, the assassins placed the explosives in the Rue Minet al Hosn instead of Rue de la Grosse Tapet where Hari was staying. Independent Journalist Joham Middle-East coast warfare This mistake was compounded Hari Seb de Lemos midst of a war between the West by a tragically unforeseen stutter and Middle-East coast main lines. of the cochlea, causing the saying this, but it is always A Virgin train was derailed last So far,Virgin have had the upper assassin incorrectly to identify the difficult to love a fat child.” week in what is suspected to be hand, with successful strikes at car of “Hariri” rather than Hari. Joham Hari inclined to The late Rafiq Hariri an attack by the terrorist group Potters Bar, Copsmanthorpe, and Former Prime Minister Hariri comment. AL-GNER. This comes in the Selby. [email protected] MostlyHarmless | Issue 3, Epiphany 2007 | Page 6 Duncan demands ‘DO NOTHING’ - NEW bigger pie DSU Campaign revealed! Justin Leslie him in hand-to-hand combat. And don’t even get me started on DSU President Alex Duncan is the Presidents.There are too spearheading a new campaign to many fingers in this pie, when it ensure he can get a “Bigger Pie”. should be my face.” Explaining the ‘Unity Campaign’, However, progess is Duncan told MH: “I like pie – being made. Duncan has been in simple as that. That’s why I’m so communication with pie-industry passionate about this issue – any heavy-weight Bernard Manning, pie that comes into DSU always who is said to be “equally gets split unevenly so I get the passionate on the issue.” In smallest bit. This is just unfair on addition, the celebrity patrons of someone addicted to pastry the Pie Consumer League (PCL), products”. Vanessa Feltz, Clarissa Dickson- This problem has Wright, Fern Britton and Jonny provoked rifts within the Student Vegas, have all pledged to throw Union. Quentin Sloper, DUAU their formidable collective bulk President, is reputed to be a behind the campaign. notorious pie-fiend while, as Duncan’s attempts to usual, the JCR Presidents are hell- pimp his pie seem a trifle bent on getting their slice of the ambitious to this reporter. Still, action. Duncan continued: with his history of devotion to “When you’re dealing with Greggs and Peter’s Bakery, and someone like Sloper, it’s not a his single-minded dedication to question of negotiation – you the cause, there’s no telling where either distract him by showing Pi his pastry exploits may take him. on your calculator or you engage

Durham Business Chatter

Tom Walker Durham’s unique character.A spokesman for the little-known Durham’s struggling businesses underground nightspot, condemned the city’s recent ‘Walkabout’, told MH: “It’d be corporate development at a terrible if we allowed soulless protest yesterday. A group of and faceless chain plucky independent outfits - establishments like consisting of , Hide, Café Wetherspoons’ to take over Nero and Chase – expressed Durham – we’ve certainly never their concerns at the loss of tolerated them before.” Durham’s independent soul? Page 7| Issue 3, Epiphany 2007 | MostlyHarmless The MostlyHarmless Team of the Week

Magnus Taylor Perfect for Jack Logue (image) The MH EasyEssay binge shopping In the first of a number of Easy____s MH walks you Books and prints to musical instruments through an essay. Next time, EasyCV... Homebrew to Home Cooking To what extent did the ______? Discuss. Anton Lazarus Party Jokes to Party Foods

______-ians/-ists/-phers (please delete) have been debating the issue of ______since the creation Shellfish to Shoes of the discipline in ____. As Victor Hugo once remarked: “There is nothing more powerful than an idea whose time has come”. Ever since, this issue has been at the forefront of public debate.

This essay will discuss the ______of ______, including the influential writings of ______, ______and Karl Marx as well as the post-modern and feminist critiques of the question. The classic example of ______as well as the contemporary case of ______will play a central role in determining the outcome of this debate.

______believed that the ______was/were/is ______. In ______(18__) s/he contended: “we are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.” However, this argument is You’ll be amazed at the variety, quality and value for money on a countered by the more recent claims of ______in ______(19_), who argues that the “repressively vast range of foods and non-food items in the indoor market. patriarchal nature of society” prevented this issue from making its full impact. Ask at our stalls for any extra student discounts.

The Marxist approach radically changed the nature of the discipline. Prominent names such as: ______(19__), ______(19__) and _____ (19__), all commented on the issue of class, agreeing that “religion is DURHAM the opium of the people”. INDOOR MARKET The advent of globalization/postmodernism/feminism has irrevocably altered the way this issue is now approached. Contemporary scholars of ______ory/aphy/ogy all suggest that a new approach to this Open Monday to Saturday 9am - 5pm question is required in light of the inter-dependence of the globalized world/the uncertainty of modern Market Place, Durham existence/women. Tel: 0191 384 6153 In conclusion, the arguments of ______and ______are too strong to ignore, and yet the counter- www.durhammarkets.co.uk arguments or alternative discourses provided by ______and ______are equally persuasive. It remains to be seen which school of thought will prevail in the long term, and for now the issue seems set ADVERTISE IN MOSTLYHARMLESS. ANY QUERIES OR to remain entirely subjective. Or, as Oscar Wilde/Winston Churchill/Seb Coe/Alex Duncan/George QUESTIONS? EMAIL [email protected] Alagiah once put it: “______”. MostlyHarmless | Issue 3, Epiphany 2007 | Page 8 Borat Does Durham Conspiracy Ben Grafton Plague research. I am very sad to me laugh, for example your new find that here in Durham, the student president is a woman! In Borat Sagdiev talks to Mostly Plague research department is my country, we say to let woman Harmless about his recent visit to closed for many years due to a be president is like letting monkey Durham, university life in his lack of funding. fly a plane…very dangerous! I am Theories native Kazakhstan, and I am also very happy to also very amused by national Tom Rosenthal we heard everything he has learnt along the see so many beautiful girls in the sport where many dirty men try shocked/stunned/horrified/bewi way… city, who all have very interesting to steal oval ball from other dirty * Diana was murdered by ldered/endangered us: MH: Firstly, fashion. In my country, it is illegal men, before they are pushed to Prince Philip, who was driving “Alex ‘biggest hair in the congratulations on the recent to wear any kind of fur of animal the ground and raped. the elusive Fiat. business’ Duncan, in a desperate success of your feature film. You that does not bear Kazakstan seal MH: Finally, what do * 11/9 – work it out, remember attempt to prolong his current have now been in for of approval. I am also very you think you have learnt from which country we’re from – was reign of terror, is intending to just over a week. What are your surprised to see that in Durham, your time in Durham, and what an inside job, probably clone himself multiple times to impressions of Durham? there are not so many of other plans do you have for the future? masterminded by Enya. form an army of Duncans. He Wa-wa-wee-wa! Durham races. After searching for many First I think I have learnt * Ant out of Ant and Dec has and his army were responsible for is certainly very beautiful city.I days, I have not managed to find that to fit in with British students, a secret room in his forehead that overseeing the recent DSU like particularly your famous a single man with geunine I must drink like a horse.The stores secret government files. sabbatical elections.” ‘North Road’ with its one chip chocolate-face, which I find very price of your beer is very cheap, * Prince Harry’s real father is The campaigns might shop, Blockbuster video store, strange, because in the US and A, and tastes very nice when I none other than Mr. Motivator seem to a non-CT expert to have and laundry facilities. In I saw very many. compare it to traditional wine of (first name unknown). been part of a healthy election Kazakhstan, we must do our own MH: What kind of my country, which is made from process, with some candidates washing in local river, but in things have you done in your time goat’s urine. Second, I notice that You will, of course, recognise even appearing to be women. Durham I see only people in in Durham, and how have you in England not every girl you that these are some of the most However, this was just a cunning rowing-boats and sometimes coped with being famous? meet in nightclub wants to make popular Conspiracy Theories attempt to hide the shocking naked homosexuals swimming It is true that thanks to a sexy-time with you in the toilets, circulating today. They are all the truth. Flo Herbert, the new DSU there, when they have had too my moviefilm, many people in but only some of them. rage now, these ‘CTs’. They’re the President. is none other than a much to drink. I was also very this city will smile and wave at I do not know how new Pogs: every kid has one. clone of Alex Duncan himself. If excited to meet famous anti-Jew me, and sometimes try to kiss me much longer I will stay in your The theory-less you look closely, you can see the writer, Bill Brysons, who is fourth and touch my khram . I have even country, but hopefully a lot MostlyHarmless team, feeling like evidence. most famous person in seen my own face on front cover longer because I have had very the no-hoper kid that always got Flo Herbert is an Kazakhstan after Cliff Richard, of popular British magazine,The nice time. I have already been teased by their mates, decided it anagram of Alex Duncan. Samantha Janus and international Big Issue, which I was forced to offered employment here in needed a CT all of its own. When Flo Herbert may be a superstar, Natalya the prostitute, buy from gypsy woman in city Durham with your radio station we phoned up MI5 (077956 giveaway regarding Duncan’s who is also my sister. centre because I was scared she Purple FM, which with over 16 72356) for one, however, we were dodgy past, when he used to act MH: So what can you would put terrible curse on me listeners, is more popular than promptly put on hold. When as a referee in brothels. ‘Flo tell us about university life in your and my family. Kazakhstan and Uzbek radio put gagging for a quality CT this, to Herbert’ = ‘brothel ref ’. country, and how does it compare In my short time in this together. be honest, is highly frustrating. You thought you could to life in Durham? city, I have seen many interesting Before we finish, let me We eventually got through and fool us with your word trickery, In Kazakhstan, it is only people and done many interesting just say that if there are any ladies asked to be redirected to the Mr Duncan, but pretty much rich men who go to university. things, for example disco dancing with nice physiques who are able Durham branch. MI5 claimed nothing gets past the iron mitt of This means every man who can in Loveshack, and visiting worst to read this interview, and are that they couldn’t tell us anything MostlyHarmless. Duncan has afford two cows or more. In my brothel in Europe, Klute, which I interested in making romantic because Louis Theroux was busy failed to respond to the hometown of Kuçzek, which is found to be most enjoyable, but explosions, they can visit me in making a documentary about it. allegations, but he did say: “Yep, capital city of Kazakhstan, only also very sweaty. I was also my hotel, which is Marriott room We responded with a curt: “Do it’s all pretty much true; I plan to fifteen people go to local invited to special Christian Union 55. you know who we are?” Using be in Bryson’s chair within the university. Normally they study to evening, to celebrate death of Thank you, and our provocative cutting-edge year”. become for example, doctors or famous Jew on cross, many years Dzienkuje! edginess, we eventually forced the nuclear scientists, but I chose to ago. To me, the people are all very information out of them. What study English, Journalism, and friendly and many things make Bulgarian disintegration Tom Walker “They just won't integrate. Even our campaign to enforce The Bulgarian Prime Minister 'Bulgarian-ness' hasn't helped. Sergei Stanishev has expressed They can't speak the language, concerns over unchecked British they'll only live in ski-resort immigration into the new EU enclaves, and they’re taking all the member state. “This European jobs in our rapidly-expanding Union stuff was looking pretty equine studies management and good until the Brits turned up,” hairdressing sectors." he said in an interview last night. www.mostly-harmless.org.uk Page 9 | Issue 3, Epiphany 2007 | MostlyHarmless The greatest Underdog MHPlay: story of all time MurderSearch Anton Lazarus Ben Grafton Express.When people come in to boxing gym. eat there, all they want to hear After the former Paper- about, are the stories of how weight Champion of the World In what promises to be the final traded blows over registers for his boxing licence, chapter to this great epic, former editorial meetings with the likes new kid on the block, The champion, Palatinate (Sylvester of , and how, Sanctuary, gets wind of it. Pay- Stallone), finds himself on the come the final round of the per-view channels will not give scrapheap, washed up and lonely. Guardian Media Awards, he was him the luxurious contracts that He has grown old and weary in still left standing. he demands anymore, because the years that have passed, living Then one fateful day, the they believe that he only takes on a meagre and unfulfilled life. DSU holds a virtual boxing second-rate writers and that he is, Since the death of his wife, match, pairing up writers from in effect, merely a "paper durham21, a victim of ‘woman across the eras. In the end, it champion". His people suggest a cancer,’ Palatinate has followed a definitively concludes that if fight between him and crowd lonely and troublesome path. His there were to be a match-up favourite,Palatinate to bring an only son, the effervescent and between the "Young" Palatinate end to the feud once and for all. opinionated Mostly Harmless and current world champion The Although initially sceptical, (Milo Ventimiglia) doesn’t love Sanctuary (Antonio Tarver), Palatinate agrees to take part in him. He feels like he’s living in the Palatinate would come out on what will be billed as a Battle of shadow of his older, famous top. Seeing this virtual fight the Ages: a true contest of Wit father, and has adopted a cynical, makes Palatinate remember how vs. Shit. With words of support anti-conformist attitude towards much he misses being in the ring, from the dulcet-toned old-timer, life. As the two drift further and and realises that there is still ‘stuff , (Burt Young) and further apart, we see Palatinate in the basement.’ Cue heart- ultimately from the humble and Can you find all the serial killers? grinding out a living by begging rending speeches, training apologetic son, MH, it is truly to for sponsorship in local Italian montages and enough clichés to be the showdown of 2007. restaurant Fabio’s or even Pizza fill a medium-sized Las Vegas - Hindley - Huntley - Shipman DSU Election mired by - Sutcliff dirty campaigning - West (x2)

Richard Hadden complicated indeed. and if I wasn't quite so liberal I'd “The purpose of these have them all rounded up and A DSU election for the position campaigns is clearly to influence shot before grinding their foul of ‘Balcony Commissioner’ has the result of the election. Take remains into the dust and then been cancelled following the 'Vote In This Election' reading the election rules out so activities by unauthorised campaign: clearly, if someone is they understand them properly.” campaign teams designed to persuaded to vote then it unfairly In an exclusive interview ฀ influence the result of the ballot. with MostlyHarmless, an In addition to the representatives anonymous representative of the FAIR DEAL STUDENT HOMES of the two candidates, Becky 'Don't Vote In This Election' Mitigating and Trevor campaign team claimed: “The Circumstance, e-mails sent by only reason we started our REALISTIC RENTS FOR HOUSES AND APARTMENTS. two undeclared groups, the so- campaign was because of the PRIME CITY CENTRE LOCATIONS. called “Vote In This Election” 'Vote In This Election' campaign. ENJOY HASSLE FREE LIVING WITH J W WOOD. and the so-called “Don't Vote In If everyone started voting in This Election” campaigns. Said DSU elections then there Simon Panda Mr Simon Panda, chairperson of wouldn't be tedious student the DSU Meandering,Twisting makes it more likely that political hacks carping on and Turning Committee, which someone will be elected. On the continually about how the DSU is oversees elections: “After a very other hand, the 'Don't Vote In a mismanaged non-transparent long meeting, in which I was This Election' campaign is clearly cliquey organisation that is flamboyantly polysyllabic in my trying to stop people voting in completely unrepresentative and ÒEXPERTISE BEYOND EXPECTATIONÓ vehemence, I decided to stop the the election, which means that no wasteful in every way imaginable, CONTACT J W WOOD election, as there was no one else one might be elected, which isn't and we'd have to find something t: 0191 3830184 there who knew all the rules, fair either. It's basically foul, else to fill up half of Palatinate.” e: [email protected] which are very long and very corrupt, underhand nastiness, w: www.studentsindurham.co.uk [email protected] MostlyHarmless | Issue 3, Epiphany 2007 | Page 10 The MH Ladies’ Page MostlyHarmless accused of The Diary of sexism Esther Rudolph Jules Shipway thought to have contained material of a distinctly feminine Recent reports reveal that a white ilk, and, according to a leaked Anna Budashevskaya a desperate voyeuristic eye over Strange Friends are scouting for female, aged between 15 and report, included references to what could be a beautiful, some girls who will block them eighty-two, yesterday attempted kittens. It was seized and Oh lordy, it’s the end of term and blossoming romance.They’ll on Facebook next week. Look, to submit an article to hugely- destroyed by an unknown party everybody’s on the town, on the probably start dating and be really there are some people who are popular, male-dominated student in the early hours of this vino, on the pull, in the sack, back supportive of each other. Aah. dancing like they’re having sex. newspaper, morning. on the horse, off the wagon, up Back to quantitative data. The And suddenly, there they are. MostlyHarmless. When quizzed the duff, possibly even up shit trouble is, I quite like quantitative Jefferson and Carla. This shocking news about the actions of creek, except me. I am all static data. I’m worried this says No, not the sex couple, at left members of the his editorial staff, and mundane and working on an something about me. Maybe I’m the bar! I do a little slidey-out-of- editorial team reeling. Magnus Taylor, co- essay that I didn’t speed through not a real human being. the-group thing, and Said one irate copy- Editor-In-Chief of the specifically so I wouldn’t have to I’m out! I’m out! I’m out unfortunately find myself sliding editor, who asked to publication, initially think up a perfectly good reason in Klute! This is good! I’m not between the sex couple, which is to tell myself about why I’m not looking my best, but when I take something I will never do again, remain anonymous, declared that the only going out tonight. I am a sloth. I my glasses off, I can sort of see and I go get a drink, next to ‘This is outrageous. choice left to them was can feel myself congealing. that I’m a blurry Audrey Tautou. Jefferson, still feeling slightly MostlyHarmless was to track her down on Magnus Taylor Bridget Jones was really When the glasses are on again, I violated.. Carla gives me the kind founded by men, is Facebook: ‘We misogynist-in-chief ? quite cool. She had sexy media look like Nick Robinson. of smile that says she has no idea edited by men and bombarded her with friends. She had a job in a Jonathon and his strange friends who the hell I am. Aha! But I upholds male values. unsavoury sexual suggestions publishing house. And a nice flat were on their way out when I know who you are! I know all Furthermore, we discourage until she revoked said article.’ in Borough. And Colin Firth. And thought, fuck it and threw on a about you! I know that my sense women from attempting to Under pressure from feminist she didn’t, did not, did not, have dress. And now I’m here, and half of triumph is resting on the vast express their opinions via this activists and his publicist, he later Facebook. Every now and then, the world is here, and I’m really sea of my own private knowledge publication in future.’ withdrew these comments. successfully slowing my work on supposed to be with Jonathan- that I am very pathetic! The offending article is this essay (“To what extent is secondary quantitative data useful in killing off your youthful embrace of life?”), I have a little check on Facebook. Adam Grabo. No activity.Jefferson Orkney. No activity.Yes, that’s right! Because they’re on the piss! How can you be doing things on your Facebook if you’re on the piss? But I can see that little twerp, who I’m sure is very nice in and-strange-friends, but am really Jefferson is very pleasant, real life, Carla di Fauza, is back, looking out for Jefferson Orkney buys me and Carla a drink, putting kisses all over Jefferson’s and Carla di Fauza. introduces us. I genuinely wish I wall. For a bunch of guys who could stop staring at the graphic Carla di Fauza is from are out in a club to drink, have a dancing lady on the plasma Venice, speaks Italian, English, laugh and hound girls,Jonathan- screen, but I swear that she’s not Mandarin and German, and and-strange-friends couldn’t look wearing anything. Gosh, she resembles a younger and more less tragically uncomfortable. dances so well. And she’s so vivacious Salma Hayek. Her dad is Maybe I’m cramping their style. svelte! Must concentrate on a count or something. She wants Surely they don’t think that Jefferson and Carla. I don’t want to know if Jefferson’s going out people could think that all five of to look like a strange anti-social tonight. He doesn’t reply. I feel them are my boyfriend? They’re sexually-frustrated Sapphist. weird and sort of guilty looking at all scouting like meercats, we’re all Some boys go for it, but I think their wall-to-wall conversation. scouting like meercats. I’m Jefferson’s got some sense of self- This has gone beyond. It’s wrong scouting for Jefferson, Jonathan is respect, and therefore probably to be looking at other people’s scouting for some girl of equal some standards… wall-to-walls. I’m sure she’s a beauty and intellectual really lovely girl and a good achievement to Carla di Fauza Read Part 2 of the diary at human being, and I’m just casting and who he will never get, and www.mostly-harmless.org.uk www.mostly-harmless.org.uk Page 11 | Issue 3, Epiphany 2007 | MostlyHarmless The MH Arts Page... WitTank Review 3.14* Anton Lazarus of “Mangoes into a bar” as two Colonel Theatre examples of the tropical fruit are In a sweaty room filled to the brim thrown at men holding pint glasses by drink-fuelled plebs, were both hilariously simple and entertainment was demanded and effective in breaking up some of Stinks of Shit five odd-looking individuals, our the longer scenes.The tossing jesters for the evening, were to around of a child's doll with the supply it. punchline: “I love working in a Mike Millington angry. In fact, I sort of wish I’d The opening night's morgue” was also delivered rioted too.” setting in Mildert’s soulless JCR perfectly, doing justice to a Rioting erupted at the Assembly The incident began when was obviously less than ideal. I delightfully sickening idea. Rooms in Durham last night a commotion occurred near the would have been disappointed to As with all shows of this during the opening performance back of the audience during the have paid £4.50 to listen to nature, some of the more extended of “Father Father, Sexual third "nude santa" scene.When badminton practice from the gags suffered from their length. In Predator”, the new play from jeering began in the stalls, the sports hall. Don't worry though - I one sketch, for example, an editor Durham theatre company house lights came up, and the didn't pay, reviewers get in for free. is seen discussing the misprinting Colonel Theatre. The incident director, Zion Whiterabbit, As the lights dimmed and the of his magazine with his printer. masses ssshhed and hushed, the Unfortunately, for me the joke of was sparked after audience appeared on stage to pacify the stench of impending laughter filled accidentally having printed Mr members, enraged by situation. However, it seems that the air. Hunt's name as ‘Mr Twat’ seemed controversial scenes in the play, her appearance only angered the There is undoubtedly to become lost as the dialogue began to pelt the stage with audience further. much talent in the Wit-Tank brain, trundled on. human faeces. “It was like trying to put and 'Poker-Face' showed off some The 'Gap-Year Song' was Hot off the back of such out a fire with a barrel of diesel great ideas and, in some cases, well received by most, although its critically acclaimed but quietly and a blowtorch," our onlooker perfect execution. Some of the scathing lyrics perhaps came too ridiculed 'arthouse' productions observed. "She was the architect best material came early on, with close to home for one young as "Woman: Womb-Man", and of this rubbish. Someone had the the confrontation between the gentleman in flip-flops sitting next "Developing Red Riding Hood", idea of doing a poo and chucking ‘Durham Life-Sizers’ and ‘Durham to me, who looked close to tears. Colonel Theatre had drawn it at her. It seemed like a good Full-Scalers’ - the sworn enemy However, I felt that the pause in comparisons from the fringe idea, so everyone started joining groups that recreate Cluedo and the song for a two-minute rant community to the avant-garde in. I’d been just before the play Monopoly in the real world – a real about having 'done' a country, work of such theatrical nutcases started so I couldn't join in, but I highlight. The idea was especially irritating as the phrase is, was as Jerzy Grotowski. However, supported what they were doing.” effective when placed in the unnecessary and broke up the such obscure parallels were Nevertheless, in the wake context of the eclectic interests of momentum the song’s sharp unsurprisingly unable to sway the of the riot, Whiterabbit was Durham’s student societies. observations had created. general public. defiant. “This is exactly the kind Bizarrely setting the sketch in The grand finale, a “This wasn't a play, it was of reaction I’d hoped for,” she Tesco worked well, creating musical number reforming the now an absolute disgrace”, claimed. “It just proves to me that another good character in the elderly Teenage Mutant Hero commented one onlooker, after Colonel Theatre is ahead of its shop-assistant. Developing the Turtles, didn't work particularly police had broken up the time.The one goal of theatre is to joke from “I'd like a revolver, a well, and was a slightly violence. “There was 25 minutes provoke. They didn’t hate the play piece of rope, a candle stick, a disappointing end to an otherwise of interpretive dance, then all the because it was bad; they hated it piece of lead pipe...” to “I own you enjoyable show. Overall the show men had sex together while the because they couldn’t understand like I own all the stations” was effective and did what you women screamed and splashed it. Don't you see? That makes it maintained pace throughout, and would expect it to say on its tin. I'll made for probably the biggest give it Pi, because there's no reason each other with paint. I can art.” laugh of the night. why scientists shouldn't giggle. understand why people were “no-one understands my art!” Sketches including shouts DST President wins lifetime achievement award for ‘getting out of bed’ Magnus Taylor often associated with this sub- proletariat. Slightly less eminent structuralist piece of meta- sidekick Baidan Triggs gave us a Eminent thespian and general DST theatre.We (and by that I refer momentary interview merely bigwig Quark Mortly has been principally although not definitively stating 'oh brave new world which given a prestigious 'lifetime to myself) connected with Mortley has such people in it' before achievement' award for what has in a manner previously flouncing off in search of solace been described by theatre critic inconceivable in the arena of post where he could commune with his M.T. Stage as, 'a beautiful and ironic experimental student enormous transcendental talent. moving interpretation of a existence.' It is thought that normally mundane morning It is believed that Mortley Mortley's highly anticipated next occurrence.' is pleased with his success but has show will be a post modernist Said Mr Stage 'what really declined to speak to all members of interpretation of the sound of one struck me was the way Mortley the press for fear of tainting hand clapping.We at MH simply seemed to transcend post Pinterian himself through bodily or spiritual can't wait. pseudo theatrical mundanities contact with the non-thespian Mortly’s buddies give him his award [email protected] MH Top Trumps

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