Stockton Exclusive: Lady Diana Dead
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Borat does Durham - p8 MH Top Trumps back page mostlyharmless durham’s latest satire and comment issue 3, epiphany 2007 STOCKTON The Sex Play Rob Sykes Mandy: You students, eh! What’s that EXCLUSIVE: then, five, six? Male student enters Old Elvet student health Male: Well, none really. practice. Mandy: (Incredulously) None?! LADY DIANA Nurse: Did you use a condom? Male: (Sheepishly) Yeah, none. Male: (Surprised) What? No, I’ve got a Mandy: Bloody hell, well there’s a first sore throat and a headache. for everything I suppose. Does it hurt DEAD Nurse: That doesn’t sound like when you urinate? Chlamydia. Male: (Now very angry) Of course it Male: Well that’s ‘cos it’s not. It’s a sore does! It’s a frigging sore throat; it hurts throat. all the time, regardless of whether I’m Nurse: Gonorrhea? pissing or not! Look, is there anything Male: (Getting irate) No, a sore throat. you can do for my throat? Nurse: (Ignoring him) Mandy, come in Nurse: Do you think a condom would here. help? (Mandy, another nurse, enters) Male: (Patronisingly) Well, no, not Nurse: Mandy, this lad says he’s got a really. sore throat. Nurse: Sorry, can’t help you then. Mandy: Could be Herpes. How many (Rugby player enters, being held up two times have you had sex in the last week? team-mates and bleeding profusely Male: (Looking embarrassed) Well I’ve from the leg) been going through a bit of a dry patch Mandy: (Indignantly) Crabs; Room recently. Four. Iraq Troops to be brought out ‘bit by bit’ Matt Hindle but emphasised the importance of hearts and minds.Parts of the army will remain Tony Blair has announced plans for a step- in the Basra region, but only those which 1961-1997-2007? by-step withdrawal of troops from Iraq. are "physically stuck" to buildings. Nick Collins the evening, as a brave pigeon He revealed that the operation messenger arrived at the Stockton was in fact already underway, having started almost as soon as Saddam was Students in Stockton were in shock library front desk some ten years removed. last night as news arrived that Lady after being dispatched from Speaking to Parliament, Blair said: Diana Spencer, former wife to Durham Cathedral. Stockton, a "Troops are coming out of Iraq Prince Charles and mother to sons small hamlet of Durham, has been bit by bit. This morning 500 arms were William and Harry, had been killed reliably provided with news via flown back to Britain, and later today we're in a car crash in Paris in 1997. pigeon post by the bishop of expecting almost as many legs." The story is believed to have Durham for centuries... He refused to be pushed over a “They’re coming home,” Blair in filtered through in the late hours of Continued on Page 4... schedule for the removal of major organs, denial? Iraq leg-acy hunting? MostlyHarmless | Issue 3, Epiphany 2007 | Page 2 Local News for Local People David Lloyd GCSE Rebranding Banterweight News has reached MH that the higher echelons of the Durham Alaric Green modernising the learning elite have begun to supplement umbrella and allowing those less Boxing their already freakish daytime GCSEs have received a complete bright to shelter under it too; obsessions with activities of an re-branding after an official widening the goalposts for the altogether darker origin. announcement from Downing underachievers if you will." Upturned collars and black Street this week. "The Further developments to pashminas have been sighted Government has become aware the scheme have recently been surreptitiously sneaking into that a significant proportion of outlined in a scratch-and-sniff darkened alleys and congregating those who sit national tests these government document. Flagship in abandoned warehouses.The days are actually unable to spell initiatives, including diplomas in precise purpose of these the acronym GCSE without two 'life skills' for any girl not gatherings remains shrouded in or three mistakes," said a pregnant by her 15th birthday mystery, but inside sources have spokesperson for the Ministry of and a quota of easier 'open- linked the events to the return of Education, with an accent. access' subjects in all major the illegal and highly dangerous "It has therefore been universities such as football trivia, category of boxing known in suggested that the tests are interpretive hairstyles, and Durham patois as ‘banterweight’. henceforth simply referred to as geography, are due to be A perversion of the noble sport 'Es.' Our research tells us that implemented by 2008. of CHAT (Conceiving of young people will at least want to The spokesman Homosexual Allegations Towards get hold of them then. They'll concluded: "In the modern era, others), illicit networks of mainly involve altogether more we realise that it is a very unjust ‘banterweight’ organisations have straightforward and uneducated society which refuses to allow been causing problems in several questions." thick people the chance to pass other universities including St. He went on to add (a tests. As the Lib Dems have Andrews, Exeter and Edinburgh. concept which had to be shown us, it's the taking part that Our source declined to comment explained to two listening 'E' really counts – deliberately setting upon details of the practice, but maths students): "We are in no questions knowing that certain one thing became clear to this way widening the goalposts for proportions of the candidates reporter – the first rule of the underachievers. Education won't be able to answer them is banterweight is not to talk about standards are as high as ever they unfairly discriminating against banterweight. have been. We are simply idiots." EDITORIAL for student journalism really does have the capacity to change WARNING lives. It shortens them. Environmental A warning to all those Still, if you can handle considering joining the ranks of it, write for us, please? the renowned sceptics at ‘mentalism MostlyHarmless: each satirical Editors: sentence you send in could be Siddharth Khajuria emissions have expanded order to ground carbonating Siddharth Khajuria your last. A US study published Magnus Taylor following recent reports of obese aeroplanes. Said leading yesterday has shown that ‘cynical Durham University bigwigs have Carbon footprinting. As such, ’mentalist chief, Madison Adams, Deputy Editor: distrust’ dramatically increases Tom Walker advised students to be alert when ’mentalists are reportedly slashing ‘the world is getting hotter and the risks of heart disease. their parents come to collect 4x4 tyres at Durham, Edinburgh holidays to hot places are making Subeditorial: Apparently, a cynical Nick Collins them at term-end. Reports of and Bristol Universities at the end the world hotter and I don’t like mentality is responsible for Environmentalist mentalist of term. heat. It makes duvet companies Ben Grafton increasing inflammation to Rich Hadden chatter have been picked up by Moreover, leading redundant, and my daddy makes potentially fatal levels.We’re not intelligence services. ’mentalist organisation GreenWar duvets for a living.’ Anton Lazarus told where this inflammation Tom Rosenthal It is believed that are advising activists to run into occurs. I, for one, find myself ’mentalist plans to offset Carbon airports screaming ‘Jihad’, in Jules Shipway becoming inflamed with Rob Sykes apoplexy at the sight of Mitchell Graphics and Webb doing the Mac Clarice Holt (cartoons) adverts, but I’m not sure if that Jack Logue (images) counts. One thing is clear, Copy: though – becoming a full-time Lucy Davies, Alan Kerr doubting Thomas is a risky Marketing: business. Ian Chapman Think carefully before sinking to the misanthropic Produced by: depths to which we lower www.quotemeprint.com ourselves in every issue of MH, Green politics. 0845 1300 667 www.mostly-harmless.org.uk Page 3 | Issue 3, Epiphany 2007 | MostlyHarmless Bird Flu’s coming Rom-antics Andrew Tickell completely overridden. How can this be right?” to get you Academy award-winning director “I know none of the Roman Polanski is to deliver a actors I’ve worked with have ever survive the first wave of bird flu. series of motivational speeches to asked me about it. Why should The unfortunate thirteen will go convicted paedophiles and sex they? They’re not hypocrites, experience a series of symptoms, offenders as part of the 2007 they’re just meritocratists. Good which we like to call "The Three L’École Pédérastique tour of on them, I say.” Steps to a Miserable Death" France.The programme seeks to The director shares the (available as a leaflet and wall- identify talented child offenders stage with Professor Paul Francis poster from your local Post and help them escape the “the Gadd, who will address the Office, and as a PDF file supine state of perpetual apology Annual NAMBLA conference of accessible on our website dominating Western sex offender the L’Ecole on the “Paedophiles’ www.the-end-is-nigh.co.uk): communities.” Aesthetic in History”, strongly 1) Organ cannibalisation. This is Drawing on his own arguing for a distinct and valuable when your liver attacks and eats experience of raping a 13-year sex offenders’ identity, which has your pancreas. In response, your old girl, then fleeing for Paris, the enriched and embroidered stomach performs a kamikaze prominent film director of The artistic, teaching and religious suicide; spilling hydrochloric acid Pianist and Rosemary’s Baby movements across the world. “It’s into your lower intestines. argues that it is time to give fair to say that they (sic) haven’t 2) Avian transmutation. This is “intelligent paedophiles” less had the historical recognition when your hair falls out, and you flack, and recognise their they deserve.” start to grow feathers. Your nose achievements in society.