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Grief Speaks Published quarterly since 1996 for those left behind. Spring 2015 Vol. 19 Issue 4 A“ Traveling Companion on Your Life Journey” Grief Speaks: “How Can I Be Alone?!”from Megan Aronson In the days following a death, there may It is helpful to garner support from be multitudes of supporters, friends, and valuable sources where and when you can - family members surrounding and professional counselors, grief therapy, books, supporting you. But, soon enough, you're friends, family, and support groups can left rebuilding a new life without your loved brace you. All these can serve as guideposts one like a Buddhist Monk pieces a sand and underpinning on your journey. sculpture together, one grain of sand at a But, remember also, that you are your time. best source of healing on this journey. You It's natural to fear being alone in your have the strength to work through your grief. It feels a little like being tossed out to grief, even though you may feel completely sea in the middle of a perfect storm, with no lost it in at times. life jacket. Image courtesy of Pat138241 at FreeDigitalPhotos.net You can be a friend to yourself. You can However, time alone can also bring the mines - the deepest wounds and hurts sit with yourself - in your quiet time, walks healing when we use it to with intention - to within - are hiding in your field of grief. in nature, morning jogs, and afternoon express our pain, to honor and acknowledge Only you know which wounds are too prayers - and simply acknowledge your the life, love, and memory of the deceased. tender to touch, and which are ready to be pain. You can learn to tolerate the "not We can build our own life jackets in the seen and shared. If others try to walk knowing," the inability to fix, cure, or heal middle of that sea of grief. We can save alongside you, they may trip a wire the irreversible effects of death. You can ourselves from drowning in the pain. unknowingly. learn to sit with your grief, and when you Sometimes we want to believe another So, to support you in your grief, friends do, it will begin to loosen it's grasp on your person can hold our hand and walk us and family may have to tread very lightly, life as you bravely stare into its face. through our own grief, when in fact, we can or simply follow your lead from behind. Rather than curse your time alone, seek only walk the journey alone. Only you had to embrace it. Seek to morph it into a exactly the relationship you had to your Consider this quote: healing space you can return to time and loved one. No matter how close your friends "When we honestly ask ourselves again, like a child returns to its mother's and family are to you, or to the person who which person in our lives mean the breast. CONTINUED ON PAGE 2... died, their experience of the loss and their most to us, we often find that it is journey through grief is not going to be the PROKO-WALL Funeral Home publishes TOMORROW™ same as yours. Even if you've lost a child, those who, instead of giving advice, as a service to the families who trust us in the hours of your grief will be different from your solutions, or cures, have chosen their greatest need. TOMORROW will be sent to spouse's, and your way of dealing with it, rather to share our pain and touch all of our families for one year following their loss. different from theirs. our wounds with a warm and tender It is designed to provide our families with an This can often tear families apart, when understanding of their yesterdays, support for their hand. The friend who can be silent todays, and a promise of hope for their tomorrows. we cannot seem to connect in our grief with us in a moment of despair or journeys. We may wonder why the other Licensed Funeral Directors: Robert Walczyk, Jr. • Robert Walczyk, Sr. person isn't acting/feeling/dealing the same confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who Alex Bahrke • Jeane Smits way we are. Maybe they are grieving quietly Molly Nicholson • Jeff Ruedinger in private, while you are willing to shed can tolerate not knowing, not curing, Certified Preplanning Counselor: MarLynn Ohlfs tears openly. Maybe they want to talk about not healing and face with us the Office Manager: Barb Holford it, but you're not ready to. Maybe they want reality of our powerlessness, that is a Office Assistants: to memorialize your loved one loudly and friend who cares." Amy Naniot • Kelly Wiegand proudly, but you're pain still feels too private PROKO-WALL Funeral Home & Crematory to share. - Henri J.M. Nouwen, 1630 E. Mason St., Green Bay, WI 54302 A helpful way to see ourselves, and each The Road to Daybreak: Phone: 920 468-4111 or 800 750-4222 other, on this journey is to imagine walking A Spiritual Journey Fax: 920 468-3540 • www.prokowall.com through a mine field. Only you know where © 2015 Proko-Wall Funeral Home and Crematory The Challenges of Grief: It Really is Permission from Doug Manning In an effort to be a more personal help I Healing will come, but it much energy telling ourselves where we started posting a special email address some will not come quickly no should be and how we should feel. One time ago. The response to that has been person said she wrote on her bathroom very good and I am enjoying answering matter how tough we mirror, "I will not should on me today." each one very much. I think I am learning might be. Good idea. If we can simply acknowledge more than the ones who write. that we have been deeply wounded and The one overwhelming theme of the that it will take a long time for that wound emails I receive is "finding permission to to heal, perhaps we can then give grieve". It is expressed in many differing ourselves permission to be weak and weepy ways, but the bottom line usually is how to without adding any self hate to the mix. respond to the pressure and advice from Image courtesy of Ambro at FreeDigitalPhotos.net That is called permission to grieve. well meaning people. I honestly believe that through months of physical therapy. But we Doug Manning is a grief author and speaker. most of the help we receive in our grief think a broken heart should mend in three Doug's books, CDs and DVDs are available at comes from our friends, but I also believe a months? www.insightbooks.com. This article and more Healing will come, but it will not come great deal of the hurt we feel also comes are available on Doug's Blog at The Care quickly no matter how tough we might be. from our friends. Community www.thecarecommunity.com. With the best of intentions they usually Healing will come quicker if we do not fight either trivialize our grief by trying to make ourselves in the process. We spend far too it seem not so bad, (Your loved one is better off, etc.) or they pressure us to get over it a ...CONTINUED FROM PAGE 1. GRIEF SPEAKS: “HOW CAN I BE ALONE?!” long time before we can possibly do so. I Use your time with intention, in a 2. )5 MINUTES OF QUIET REFLECTION: cannot count the times I have heard personal quest to understand your own Taking as little as five minutes of quiet something like, "My friends are getting tired coping mechanisms, grieving process, and reflection daily can make a huge impact on of my grief, or they think three months is needs. This will better equip you to your healing process. Consider this time long enough." communicate your grief and needs with your inflowing pipeline to filling your inner Safe people are the ones who do yourself, and your loved ones. You may only well, garnering strength to face whatever is not try to "fix" you. They just be able to say, "I can't do X, Y, or Z," right ahead. now, or, "I need you to do the dishes and 3.) NO EXPECTATIONS: Hold no listen, try to understand, make dinner tonight so I can just sleep." Or, acknowledge and accept your pain expectations on how or what you should you may even be able to have an honest feel, how or where you are in on your grief without giving advice or guidance. conversation with your loved ones where journey. Allow yourself the space to be you can simply say, "I have no idea what angry, sad, scared. Breathe into these I advise nearly everyone I deal with to I'm feeling, and no idea what's going to set find a friend or so who makes you feel safe emotions, allowing them a soft space to be me off, I'm still trying to figure this out right expressed through tears, journal-writing, and stick with them. Safe people are the now." ones who do not try to "fix" you. They just and creative expression (ie: painting, As you begin to understand your grief drawing, cooking, singing, etc.). listen, try to understand, acknowledge and more and more, attempting to accept your pain without giving advice or communicate whatever you can with those 4.) BE COMPASSIONATE WITH guidance.
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