Student Gov. Iffy on Peaceful Transfer of Power
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Our sit-down We apologize with Meghan and in advance Harry was better The Natir Vol. 10, No. 35 Copyright © 2020-21 The Natir March 2021 Student Gov. iffy on peaceful transfer of power Lashes out at The Natir for posing question JAMES HEALY ’22 IN THIS In recent weeks, there has been a growing tension in the hallways at St. Rita, and it isn’t the worry of whether or not there will be ISSUE: chicken tenders in the dining hall for lunch. It seems that this tension is stemming from the growing concern of a peaceful transition of power A retrospective from the current Student Government administration to the upcoming administration following the next election of officers. Even walking of St. Rita’s down the hallway elicits a conversation between students about this issue. rich tradition of “Isn’t that the group that puts the terrible music on the announcements?” said a freshman who spoke on the condition of anonymity due to not March football being sure of his own name. “Yeah, I don’t know. I don’t like them, I guess.” P. 5 The Natir also reached out to Student Government for its official thoughts regarding this issue. The following has been edited for clarity and length: The Natir: Many students have been submitting this question recently to us at The Natir--will you commit to a peaceful transition next school year? Student Government: You know, that is a great question you just asked right there, and to all the great students who submitted that question. You see, we’ve done tremendous things for this school in the past year. The things we accomplished this year have never been seen before. We’ve had all these people--big, tough seniors and juniors--come up to us with tears in their eyes saying, “Sir, congratulations, you guys have done things that I had never imagined possible. Four different types of fries? Remarkable.” And you know that isn’t just one instance. We’ve had experts--experts--well, they’re friends of ours, quite frankly, come up to us and say the same exact things. Wealthy alumni. Major spenders. It’s truly amazing what we’ve done, even with the pandemic and the impeachment hoax by the sophomore class. Freshmen asked TN: Okay, thank you… but will you commit to a peaceful transition next school year? to not include SG: You know that’s a nasty question you asked right there--nasty--but, A menacing recent photo of the current Student Government used masks in you know, we expect nothing less of you. You know what? Sure. TN: Okay, thank you… so you will commit to a peaceful transition of power in Student Government next year? typical lunch SG: I just said it. What are you talking about? You see, groups like you guys, The Natir, are why we won the election. The students of St. Rita know that you guys are full of it--fake news. Radical lamestream press. Enemy of the people. TN: Okay, thank you… in other news, students are demanding that Student Government listen to their suggestions on bringing back trades musical chairs. Where does Student Government stand on that issue? SG: Well, we’ve been talking about it. Lots of people talking about it. Our administration is making bringing back musical chairs a P. 5 priority. “The Chairs,” I call it, many people call it. We feel it’s good for the people, for the country, really. And unfortunately the radical Blue Group students are unwilling to compromise with us as to bringing back The Chairs. Why not The Chairs? If it wasn’t for them, we’d be playing The Chairs every day during lunch and afterschool and truly show our core value of Unitas together. We’ve always been big on Unitas. Longtime Unitas guys. What can we say? You know where they don’t have the chairs? China. Despite being called “fake news” by the official representative government of the study body, The Natir would like to let all St. Rita students know that we are committed to providing you the most reliable and trustworthy newspaper that St. Rita has to offer. The Natir will continue to produce its world-renowned publications despite the opinions of the useless Student Government. Dolan person of interest in Smithsonian artifact heist SAUL GARCIA ’21 The Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) announced in a out some of what he was saying. He was going on about how they press release that it had identified several persons of interest in needed to meet up somewhere so he could drop off the relic before connection to a break-in and robbery at the Smithsonian Museum. everything gets out in the open. That’s all I know.” An investigation will commence on these suspects in connection Another St. Rita senior, Nicholas O’Neil, declined to speak with the crime dating back to the year 2006. Among those being with the FBI and avoided them by converting to full-remote for investigated as a person of interest is St. Rita Latin and Ancient his classes. Speaking with The Natir, he seemingly confirmed that History teacher and Scholastic Bowl coach, Mr. Buddy Dolan. Dolan acted as a sinister mastermind in executing the robbery. Evidence released to the public by the FBI has indicated that “I was reading somewhere that in 2006, the Smithsonian had a After several Dolan is a prime suspect in the case. Several bowties and Harry Muppets exhibit at the American History Museumm” O’Neill said Potter-like glasses were uncovered at the scene. Security footage via email. “Magister Dolan is certainly a clever one, and it seems more injuries, retrieved from the date of the break-in revealed a man of small to me that this and the robbery both occurring in 2006 were no stature picking locks with the ends of glasses and swiping ancient coincidence. He was talking one day in class a few years back World Languages artifacts. What cannot be scientifically explained is the fact that the when I was a freshman about the Muppets, and he was fascinated man, wearing a dark hoodie, ran at near-supersonic speed, with his with Bert and the way he dressed. I wouldn’t be surprised if he Dept. vows to re- legs cycling at the speed of light. Comic book enthusiasts thought orchestrated his getaway by disguising himself as Bert in the at first that The Flash was indeed real, but hospital records obtained Muppet display. He has the clothes needed to pull it off and he fits examine National by The Natir confirmed that a man by the name of Torol Sadeas right in.” Foreign Language checked in for a bionic-leg operation, granting him robotic legs. It has been confirmed that Mr. Dolan will be monitored by an FBI officials even went as far as to pay St. Rita visits in search of FBI agent while he teaches his classes and attends St. Rita daily. Week tradition of potential clues. One student, senior Eric Seo, was asked about any Rumors have been circulating that he may resign as coach of the suspicious behavior demonstrated by Magister Dolan. scholastic bowl team and transfer power to Mr. McIntosh. His hallway ‘Running “Magister Dolan has always had a mysterious way about him, electronic devices are currently under 24/7 surveillance during the but he’s been acting strange since this investigation was launched,” investigation, including bugging the stylish lamp in his classroom. of the Seniors’ said Seo. “He’s been constantly on his phone exchanging messages The bowties have suddenly disappeared and the style of glasses and emails with people. He always steps out of class now and then that he wears has changed. All items in his room that have some P. 5 to take an important phone call, but he answers the phone call in a sort of connection to ancient history have been removed as well, different language each time. There was one phone call where he even the student-made projects. No one knows for sure where this This official school photo showing Dolan looking spoke fluent Latin with the other person, and I was able to make is heading, but it isn’t looking good for Magister Dolan. particularly menacing doesn’t help his case. STRITAHS.COM A2 • LOCAL THE NATIR • MARCH 2021 Partacz challenges fav teacher SR student Instagram poll results, claims fraud JAKE MARSZEWSKI ’22 The highly contested, student-ran faculty member poll on the St. Rita Stable Instagram page caused a rift in the St. Rita family. Every student was competitive in the voting process, sticking by their favorite candidate. It was even rumored that junior class supporters of Mr. Reed would go on a hunger strike if he lost, adding more competition and incentive to win. Teachers even campaigned to students in order to win the title (or maybe they just wanted the reward of an Amazon gift card). But still, no matter the reward, the battle was a heated one. One matchup, however, took the spotlight among the school. In the first round, Dean and math teacher Mr. Partacz faced off against his- tory teacher Mr. Pazin. Hopes were high for Partacz, but they would soon be crushed. Pazin opened with a strong lead, and that lead would only grow larger. The history teacher ended up winning by a massive margin, and he even went on to win the entire tournament. Partacz’s defeat sent shock waves across St. Rita, even prompting a graphic made by St.