THE THE Cheshvan 5763 • October 2002 JJewishewish U.S.A. $3.50/Foreign $4.50 • VOL XXXV/NO. 8 OOBSERBSERVERVER

FEATURING THE INSIGHTS OF: Rabbi Chaim P. Scheinberg a”jyls Avi Schick vs. Dr. Aaron Twerski Rabbi Shimon Finkelman on Rabbi Pam l’’xz Rabbi Orlowek Rabbi Y.G. Bechhofer David Mandel Dr. Jerry Lob

FOR EVERY JEWISH CHILD… A CHANCE

CLICK HERE FOR TABLE OF CONTENTS THEJJewishewish Cheshvan 5763 • October 2002 OOBSERBSERVERVER U.S.A.$3.50/Foreign $4.50 • VOL XXXV/NO. 8

THE JEWISH OBSERVER (ISSN) 0021-6615 is published monthly except July and August by the Agudath Israel of America, 42 Broadway, , NY10004. Periodicals postage paid in New York, NY. Subscription $24.00 per year; two years, $44.00; three years, $60.00. Outside of the United States (US funds drawn on a US bank only) $12.00 surcharge per year. Single copy $3.50; 6 30 3838 foreign $4.50. POSTMASTER: Send address changes to: The Jewish Observer, 42 Broadway, NY., NY. 10004. Tel: 212-797-9000, Fax: 646-254-1600. Printed in the U.S.A. FOR EVERY JEWISH CHILD… A CHANCE

RABBI NISSON WOLPIN, EDITOR 6 Vouchers…And the Fiscal Viability of Our Yeshivos, Avi Schick EDITORIAL BOARD RABBI JOSEPH ELIAS 13 Vouchers:An Idea Whose Time Has Come, Chairman a response by Dr.Aaron Twerski RABBI ABBA BRUDNY JOSEPH FRIEDENSON 15 “Professor Twerski and I Agree… And Disagree,” RABBI YISROEL MEIR KIRZNER RABBI a rejoinder by Avi Schick PROF. AARON TWERSKI 18 Husband,Wives and Children, DR. ERNST L. BODENHEIMER Z”L a”jyls RABBI MOSHE SHERER Z”L Rabbi Chaim Pinchos Scheinberg Founders 25 Support, Stigma or Shame, David Mandel MANAGEMENT BOARD AVI FISHOF, NAFTOLI HIRSCH ISAAC KIRZNER, RABBI SHLOMO LESIN 30 Rav Pam’s Special Friend, Rabbi Shimon Finkelman NACHUM STEIN 35 The Price Of “Just Joking,” Dr. Jerry Lob RABBI YOSEF C. GOLDING Managing Editor 38 Rabbi Ephraim Eisenberg l”xz – A Primary Conduit Published by of , Rabbi Yosef Gavriel Bechhofer Agudath Israel of America 41 Raising Roses Among Thorns, by Rabbi Noach Orlowek, U.S. TRADE DISTRIBUTOR ISRAELI REPRESENTATIVE Feldheim Publishers Intnl. Media Placement a review article by Rabbi Shlomo Furst 200 Airport Executive Park POB 7195 / 5 Even Israel Nanuet, NY 10954 , ISRAEL

BRITISH REPRESENTATIVE BELGIAN REPRESENTATIVE M.T. Bibelman Mr. E. Apter 43 That I Can Survive Until You Remember, Sarah Shapiro Grosvenor Works Lange Kievitstr. 29 Mount Pleasant Hill 2018 Antwerp London E5 9NE, ENGLAND BELGIUM 46 Postscript: A Call to Arms, Rabbi Aryeh Zev Ginzberg

FRENCH REPRESENTATIVE SOUTH AFRICAN 47 Letters to the Editor Rabbi Bamberger REPRESENTATIVE 21 Boulevard Paixhans Mr. V. Taback 57000 Metz PO Box 51552, FRANCE Raedene, Johannesburg 2124 SOUTH AFRICA SWISS REPRESENTATIVE Mr. S. Feldinger Leimanstrasse 36 This is the full Table of Contents of the print edition of the 4051 Basel, SWITZERLAND Jewish Observer.The web edition contains only a selection of THE JEWISH OBSERVER does not articles (indicated in color). Click on the title to go to the assume responsibility for the Kashrus beginning of that article. Click on the box at the end of each of any product, publication, or service article to come back to this page. Or navigate using your advertised in its pages browser’s menu and other options. © Copyright 2002

October 2002 VOLUME XXXV/NO. 8 SUBSCRIBE TO THE JEWISH OBSERVER. CLICK HERE. FOR EVERY JEWISH CHILD… A CHANCE Husbands, Wives and Children

Based on an address to a gathering of young married men by Rabbi , a”jyls, Rosh Hayeshiva of Yeshiva in Jerusalem, and a senior member of the Moetzes Gedolei Hatorah (Council of Torah Sages). This article was prepared for publication by Rabbi Shlomo Furst.

WHAT GOES WRONG IN of important life issues for them to both marriage. Married life consists of CONTEMPORARY FAMILIES? agree to marry each other. They looked many growth experiences – sometimes, at the situation from all angles until they difficult situations — which are real- am frequently asked to help people finally decided that, in fact, this was the ly opportunities for the new couple to deal with problems of shalom bayis. person whom they wanted to be their adjust to each other; to compromise ITensions between husbands and mate — their partner for life. and learn to live together. wives are very common throughout After such efforts and careful con- Marriage is not a matter of spending modern society, even within our reli- sideration, what happened to change an hour or two together. gious families. If unchecked, a sequence everything? Why did their marriage When dating, both the man and the of events begins that can unfortunate- bring them further apart rather than woman seek to find favor in the eyes of ly result in divorce. closer together? the other person. They will exert them- I am not always able to determine selves, to the limit, to make as nice a the true initial cause of the problem. COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE: showing as possible. They will each act When I question the couple, however, A STUDY IN CONTRASTS graciously, hoping to be seen as the per- the mutual answer that they usually fect choice. People, however, cannot keep give is incompatibility and lack of he usual answer – which I believe up a show all the time; yes, it is possi- communication. I ask them what hap- to be a true one – is that it is easy ble for an hour or two, but marriage is pened to break up their relationship; Tfor a couple to enjoy casual a lifetime experience. the couple was not always estranged. meetings, spending a pleasant evening Originally, the couple had felt that they talking about topics that they enjoy. THE CRUX OF THE MATTER: were compatible and there was com- After the date, they return to their homes BEING CAUTIOUS AND CARING munication between them. The many to lead their separate lives. hours that they spent dating must have By contrast, life together as husband he crux of the matter, which is in been filled with conversation. During and wife can result in a clash of per- fact the solution to many of our the course of their courtship, they must sonalities. Everyone has his or her par- Tproblems, lies in the amount of have compared their views about life ticular pattern of behavior and way of interest and motivation we devote to and their expectations regarding mar- thinking, and this can lead, at least being cautious and caring enough to riage. temporally, to disharmony. When remain in control of ourselves to main- Weeks, perhaps months were spent faced with the many challenges of life, tain our best behavior when trouble evaluating all the possibilities of a spouses will not, at first, always agree threatens. Marriage challenges us to Torah life together. There must have with each other because, until their strive and, therefore, rise above natural, been broad agreement about a variety marriage, they were two separate indi- unthinking responses. Disagreements viduals. Getting the two different per- and difficulties will always arise, but the Rabbi Furst,who was a talmid of Rabbi Schein- berg for fifteen years, serves as Mashgiach of Kol- sonalities to merge and to live togeth- test – and the success of our efforts – is lel Ruach Chaim in Jerusalem. er in harmony is the essence of determined by how we react.

18 The Jewish Observer, October 2002 The same rule applies to our children. The chachmei ha’mussar (Torah ethi- and instead choose to cite the making of Some children behave better than oth- cists), however, ask: Was this act the true clothes and dressing Adam Harishon as ers, some worse. Nonetheless, the father beginning of chessed? The very creation Hashem’s first act of kindness? and mother must take them in stride. of Adam Harishon in Gan Eden was an The answer that is given is that to do Patiently, parents must raise and edu- unmatched act of perfect kindness! chessed with Adam Harishon would be cate their offspring in a gentle, kind- HaKadash Baruch Hu created Adam very easy – in fact, effortless. Anyone hearted way. Harishon with His Divinely fashioned guf would feel honored — and it would be Parents try to correct areas of stress (body) and neshama united and vibrant our greatest pleasure – if, for example, and difficulty with their children as in Gan Eden. Our highest spiritual one were able to do chessed for the much as possible. Whatever they can do aspiration is for our neshamos to reside Chofetz Chaim l”xz.We would vie with will be done, for parents will persevere, there. Obviously, the creation of Adam one another to be of some service to and not give up on their child. As dif- Harishon was an act of kindness. Why such a great and blessed individual, and ficult as the child may be, parents still does the Gemora overlook this as the first we would feel no hardship or difficul- nurture hopes for their child. Unfortu- instance of Hashem’s kindness to man, ty in doing it. So much moreso for Adam nately, husband and wife do not always feel that way about their marriage. Sometimes they do give up. They may feel that it does not pay to go on togeth- er. The opposite, however, is true, for divorce is not a solution. In fact, it cre- ates more problems. There are new issues of child custody, visitation and alimony…and loneliness. In many cases, the attitude that spouses are expendable is not daas Torah. Chazal teach us that one’s wife is equivalent to the husband’s own body — “ishto ke’gufo.” The husband and wife form a complete unit. The Zohar HaKa- dosh refers to the woman as “plag guf ” – that is, half of the person. Until mar- riage, there is separation – one physical half here, the other physical half there. Forging a bond of love, respect, and kindness between a man and wife calls for special effort because there was no previous natural bond between them. Living together, a joyful fusion of man and wife — and consequently, providing a conducive atmosphere for raising chil- dren — is the great challenge that Haka- dosh Baruch Hu expects us to live up to. It feels better just to talk about it. That’s why we’re here. Our staff is made up of caring and sensitive individuals. Together, WHERE CHESSED BEGINS we can help you explore your options. We can refer you to recognized professionals for counseling, legal advice or help in he Gemora (Sota 14a) teaches us finding a safe environment. We can also that the Torah begins with chessed put you in touch with some very special and ends with chessed.The Torah Rabbis. But in order for us to reach out to T you, you must first reach out to us. starts with an act of kindness — for, after the sin of Adam Harishon, HaKadosh Confidential Hotline 1.888.883.2323 Baruch Hu prepared special garments (Toll Free) for Adam and Chava. Furthermore, the 718.337.3700 act of kindness was complete in its every Do it for yourself. (NYC Area) aspect, for the passuk in Bereishis 3,21 Do it for your children. Shalom Task Force is a 501(c)(3) charitable organization states that Hashem even dressed them.

The Jewish Observer, October 2002 19 Harishon, who was far holier and infi- most desirable thing to do is now dif- see, however, that Adam Harishon acted nitely close to perfection. There is then ficult, even impossible to imagine. towards Chava after the sin in a special nothing exceptional in the act itself, Therefore, precisely after the sin is way, and we can certainly relate to that. because recognizing the greatness of the when the Torah reveals to us what true recipient automatically spurs us on to chessed is. Not chessed defined by CHAVA AFTER THE SIN – perform acts of kindness toward him. common sense and intellect, but “MOTHER OF ALL LIFE”? By contrast, what would common chessed based on Torah. sense tell us about Adam Harishon after Thus, when Chazal say that the dam Harishon named Chava — his sin? Through his act, he brought Torah begins with chessed, it refers to “Eim Kol Chai, The Mother of All death and destruction to the world. We kindness that Hashem did with Adam ALife” — only after the sin. Logic would be convinced that such an and Chava after their sin. Obviously, would say to name her “the mother of individual is not deserving of our Hashem infinitely exceeds our mortal all death”! Eating from the Eitz Hadaas chessed.What had been the easiest, limitations of mind and heart. We do (The Tree of Knowledge) brought death to the world. How does the name Eim Kol Chai befit Chava after her sin? In spite of what had happened, Simcha Guidelines Adam recognized Chava’s greatness and potential, especially her potential for THE VORT • The menu for the seuda is limited to 3 life. Before the sin, no name was appro- priate. A name must reflect the essence • The Vort celebration is to be courses followed by a regular dessert. of its bearer. Before the sin, words could discontinued. The L’chaim (held at • No Viennese table and no bar. not truly depict the full extent of what the time that the engagement is Chava was. After the sin, the tragedy and THE MUSIC announced) should also not turn into a its consequences did not numb Adam. Vort. • A band may consist of a maximum of It is chessed to forgive and move on. He THE WEDDING 5 musicians (one of the musicians may act did not lose himself. Life could and as a vocalist) or four musicians and one • Only 400 invited guests may be would continue. Chava would help additional vocalist. him bring life to the world. seated at the chassuna seuda. • A one-man band is recommended. Similarly, the chessed of the Torah • The kabbolas panim smorgasbord begins only after Adam’s sin, to teach us should be limited to basic cakes, fruit plat- FLOWERS & CHUPA DECOR that Hashem did not forsake Adam even ters, a modest buffet, and the caterer’s • The total cost of these items for the entire when he disobeyed His command. His standard chicken or meat hot dishes. wedding should not exceed $1,800. Tzellem Elokim was not destroyed, and so Adam was still able to see Chava’s FOR THE FULL VERSION OF THE SIMCHA GUIDELINES greatness — even after her mistake. AND THE ACCOMPANYING KOL KOREH, Accordingly, Adam called her “The please email [email protected] or call 212-612-2300 Mother of All Life” because this was her true essence and potential. She did bring We the rabbinical signatories — barring familial obligations — and unusual and death, but bearing in mind the signifi- extraordinary circumstances — will not participate in or attend a wedding celebration that cance of the Tzellem Elokim within her disregards these guidelines. (Rabbinical Listing in formation) allowed Adam to deal kindly with her. Rabbi Shmuel Birnbaum Rabbi Eli Simcha Schustal Rabbi Elya Ber Wachtfogel The Torah tells us all of this to let us Rosh Hayeshiva, Mirer Yeshiva Rosh Hayeshiva, Bais Binyomin, Stamford Rosh HaYeshiva, Yeshiva Gedolah of know that we, too, must have compas- South Fallsburg Rabbi Rabbi Yisroel Rokowsky sion, regardless of our emotions or our Rosh Hayeshiva, Yeshiva Gedola of Philadelphia Rabbi Yisroel Simcha Schorr Rabbi Chaim Boruch Wolpin Rosh Hayeshiva, Yeshiva Karlin Stolin logical justification to act harshly. This Rabbi Shmuel Kaminetzky Roshei HaYeshiva, Yeshiva Ohr Somayach Rosh Hayeshiva, Yeshiva Gedola of Philadelphia is especially important in our relation- Rabbi Aryeh Malkiel Kotler Rabbi Zecharia Gelley Rav, Khal Adas Jeshurun Rabbi Yaakov Perlow Rosh Hayeshiva, , Lakewood ships with our spouses and our children. Novominsker Rebbe Rabbi Yisroel Tzvi Neuman Rabbi Lipa Margulies Rosh Hayeshiva, Yeshiva & Mesifta Torah Temimah Rabbi Yosef Yitzchak Feigelstock Rosh Hayeshiva, Beth Medrash Govoha, Lakewood RISING ABOVE Rosh Hayeshiva, Yeshiva of Long Beach Rabbi Dovid Kviat Rabbi Dovid Tzvi Schustal NARROW PERSPECTIVES Rabbi Moshe Wolfson Chairman, Conference of Synagogue Rabbonim Rosh Hayeshiva, Beth Medrash Govoha, Lakewood Mashgiach, Yeshiva Torah Vodaas of Agudath Israel Rabbi Aron Moshe Schechter Rabbi Yeruchem Olshin Rabbi Shlomo Mandel any of our family problems Rosh Hayeshiva, Yeshiva Chaim Berlin Rosh Hayeshiva, Beth Medrash Govoha, Lakewood Rosh Hayeshiva, Yeshiva of would be solved if we would Rabbi Yosef Rosenblum Rabbi Mattisyahu Salamon Rabbi Ephraim Wachsman give thought to the basic Rosh Hayeshiva, Yeshiva Shaarei Yosher Mashgiach, Beth Medrash Govoha, Lakewood Rosh Hayeshiva, Meor Yitzchok M goodness of those people who are clos-

20 The Jewish Observer, October 2002 est to us. Shalom bayis problems are a DISCUSSIONS: LATER… simple. Real chessed starts when some- result of narrowness of spirit. The time ON THE SAME DAY thing did go wrong — during times of for chessed,real chessed,is when our stress and trouble — for this is the exact spouses need our forgiveness and our he chessed of the Torah begins moment when we are tested and are hearts… hearts that are willing to look when there is a problem. When expected to live up to our potential. In beyond the mistakes and frustrations of Teverything is fine, doing chessed is the midst of our disappointments and daily life and see the spouse’s true virtues and greatness; hearts that are big [email protected] enough to forgive. www.apply4amortgage.com This is especially important now, for our current lifestyle – even amidst our Registered Mortgage Brokers bounty of luxuries – still contains NYS Dept. of Banking many tensions and pressures. Our 800 Manor Road, Suite #1 grandparents did not enjoy the many Dovid Winiarz, President , New York 10314 “We make you feel at home” Phone 718-983-9272 • 914-MORTGAGE conveniences of today’s world. There Loans arranged through 3rd party providers were no refrigerators or canned foods $ in their days. Meals had to be prepared v"c from scratch. It was hard work, and there was poverty. Nonetheless, they led a harmo- nious life. Luxuries do not guarantee FrumFrum TherapistTherapist menuchas ha’nefesh — tranquility and • Individual and Family Therapy • Marriage Counseling • Relationship Skills Enhancement peace of mind. Neither does poverty Counseling for decree a sad life. Our attitude is the controlling factor, and not the mate- At-Risk Youth rial benefits. Work does not weaken and for issues related to and break a person, but pressures and Shidduchim and Shalom Bayis tension do. Together, the husband and wife can plan and seek out ways Daytime, Evening, & Sunday Appointments available to reduce the pressure within the home. They will have more menuchas Jules Brotsky, A.C.S.W. ha’nefesh and at the same time, as a 35 Years experience team, deal more effectively with their concerns. 908-289-0101 We have been blessed with spiritu- Licensed in NY & NJ Elizabeth, N. J. Endorsed by Rabbonim al greatness, so we must not lose our tempers and allow our emotions to rule over us. We have to live up to the Tzellem Elokim within us, which means to think beyond the normal response, rpx rutk tmh and rise above the moment’s disap- pointment. So many times petty con- siderations taint our perceptions. In okug rsd turn, this can lead to frustrations that only worsen the situation. k’’mz ohhj .pjv kgc ktrah ka icr irnn We must remember that our spous- es — just like ourselves – have Tzellem ,xbfv ,hc ,ause kg xrybue ,pxuvc Elokim within them. This should lift our thoughts above the daily difficulties of ,xbfv ,hcc vrhaf vmhjn ,uagk cuhjv ksudu married life. In addition, since we pos- sess an element of Tzellem Elokim, we :kmt rpxv dhavk rapt have infinite potential to overcome any situation, and maintain patience with (718) 856-6671 • (718) 462-6894 our spouses and understand them and their needs.

The Jewish Observer, October 2002 21 frustrations, we must all must strive, for will not sour into ill feelings. the sake of shalom bayis,to remain gra- Unless there is an issue of mental cious and understanding — to summon health, most problems in shalom bayis can forth the spiritual greatness within us. be resolved. Normal, sound and sensible This is the key to shalom bayis.Then individuals can, with proper guidance, later, the matter can be discussed with- solve their family difficulties — provid- out tension and frustration. Having the ed that the problems and their frustrations patience to wait is greatness…and have not become too unbearable. This is chessed.It will solve many of the prob- when depression can occur. Their rela- lems that crop up in the home. tionship weakens and communication In general, our concerns should be dis- breaks down. Long before the marriage cussed the same day. If left until the next gets out of control, couples need to seek day, the problem will fester with addi- sound advice. This advice must be based tional frustrations. Bottled-up emotions on the Torah’s teachings and principles, will inevitably spill over into outbursts, bearing in mind that the Torah has a solu- which are counterproductive. Then, in tion for all situations. the chaotic aftermath, the couple must When we compare our relation- seek to renew their mutual trust and ships with our spouses to our relation- respect. Friendly behavior builds respect, ships with our children, we see that there while the opposite has terrible reper- is often a different standard of behav- cussions. It is always best to clear up the ior. Parents are naturally much more issue — calmly and with consideration patient and understanding with their – on the same day. Look for the first offspring. They will make great sacrifices chance to talk over the problem, prefer- for their children. Many parents come ably, if possible, before retiring. to me for advice about how they can save The husband and wife should be their child. Parents do not throw their comfortable discussing their mutual and children away. There is no option of personal problems. In this way, they both divorce — a parent cannot separate feel that they are a part of each other’s from his or her child. Therefore, parents lives. This builds self-esteem and mutu- look for advice to improve the situation. al respect, for it is an acknowledgment Many times, I ask spouses why, that the spouse’s feelings and opinions when it comes to doing chessed with are valid and useful. When we express other people, we are quick to help. We our concerns, we feel relieved and are seem to have so much sympathy and encouraged. Husband and wife are compassion for strangers. Klal Yisroel is meant to be partners in marriage and famous for its excellence in helping those best of friends in life. who are poor, sick and helpless. Our great forefather Avraham Avinu excelled CONSULTATION AND SEEKING ADVICE in this midda, and bestowed it on his off- spring. We all try to emulate his great onsulting a third party can be example, but unfortunately, we do not essential in making major deci- work as hard on it at home as we do in Csions, helping keep families the public domain. together. In general we often need to rely What seems to be such a burden at on other people to cope properly with home is a pleasure in public. We must our problems. We must have a positive work faithfully to remove all barriers outlet for our frustrations in life. Feel- that hinder us from doing chessed in our ings can become bottled-up if we do not homes. As difficult as it may be, the share difficulties with someone we can home is not a place for misbehavior or trust. It is important to have a good cruelty. Fear is destructive to our rela- friend, a confidante with whom to share tionships, especially with children, for what is bothering us. We will then be they look to their parents for love and equipped to cope positively with life’s security. difficulties, and depression will not Our children require sympathy and creep into our lives. Disappointments understanding, patience and love. Fear

22 The Jewish Observer, October 2002 will only cause emotional scars and psy- in our homes and be b’simcha. Simcha chological complexes — sometimes for creates a healthy home environment that HAT PLUS life. Our moods and reactions — sadness, children, today more than ever, need so Hats • Shirts • Ties • Accessories anger and dissatisfaction — cause much. If they are to grow up to be well- unwanted negative influences in our fam- adjusted and sound individuals, they Your #1 Stop ilies. We can win over our spouses and require a happy home life. Giving our children — gain their respect and coop- spouses and our children a pleasant for eration — just by being gracious to them. household — this is chessed! Our obli- Quality Hats gation to them is so much greater than WE ALSO DRY CLEAN LARGEST SELECTION CONFRONTING PROBLEMS WITH JOY with strangers. If we run to do chessed & RESHAPE HATS OF CHOSONIM TIES IN outside the home with strangers, why (All work done on premises) BROOKLYN ■ e need to keep our senses and not do it at home as well? 1368 Coney Island Avenue see situations clearly. Every- (718) 377-5050 one has problems. Normal W Major credit cards accepted • We ship UPS people cope, and in the end are suc- cessful. We can have simchas hachaim in spite of our problems. If we persist and YOU CAN NOW LISTEN TO maintain a good attitude, knowing that there are solutions, we will not aggra- ah Essenti vate the difficulties. This is greatness. Tora als Small-mindedness, however, makes us Parsha Tapes shortsighted. We do not see clearly and A new, convenient way for everyone we can lose hope. to learn/review the weekly parsha. True, many times a situation may call Each line of text is explained for greatness, for there may be a very clearly on cassette. severe problem in the home, but that is (with many of Rashi’s comments included) when the chessed of the Torah begins. When our logic says No, the Torah says by Rabbi Ephraim Baer Yes.Yes, this person — my wife, my hus- Great for commuters! band, my child — needs my chessed,my Great for the whole family! compassion, my smile. We have the spir- Learn the parsha of the week and be itual capacity within us to overcome the prepared for the Shabbos table moment’s tragedy. We can rise above it For more information, or to place your order, and Hashem will help us. We were cre- Please call: (845) 425-2177 or ated b’Tzellem Elokim, and it remains e-mail: [email protected] within us, and so we can transcend dif- ficult conditions. This excellence — the splendor of the Divine Presence within us – obligates us even in the face of the worst problems, to know and believe that any problem can be solved in a good way. Through their sin, Adam and Chava brought death to the world, but they made a comeback. They did teshuva.We have the same greatness as they had — Tzellem Elokim – and so we too should never give up. The denial of this great- ness within us results in an attitude that is limited to human logic and common sense. It leads to hopelessness and depression, and ends in failure. Hashem expects us to do chessed, the true chessed of the Torah. We must act with sympathy and understanding with-

The Jewish Observer, October 2002 23 FOR EVERY JEWISH CHILD… A CHANCE David Mandel

very morning at the very beginning of davening,we say berachos (blessings), including “Poke’ach ivrim – EBless You, HaShem our G-d, King of the Universe, who gives sight to the blind.” HaShem gives us the ability to see His wonderful creations, all living creatures, the beauty and SUPPORT, splendor of the world. Yet, when we see people with disabilities, how do we view them? Do we see Hashem’s creations betzellem Elokim (in G- d’s image)? Or do we see people who are different, people STIGMA who may shame us and people whose families we shame, albeit inadvertently, in the way we view them, how we shy away from them or isolate them by stigmatizing them with our gossip and avoiding shidduchim with their families? OR Where do people with disabilities fit into our world in the Jewish community? How do we view them, how do we treat them and what do we teach our children about them? Close your eyes for a moment and try to envision a per- HAME son with a handicap. Can you picture him? Or her? Does the S picture in your mind capture the entire person, or did your imaginary lens just zoom in on this person’s disability? Our personal and collective Keep your eyes closed for another brief moment and think reactions to people of this person’s parents and brothers and sisters. Surely you know such a person with a disability – the son or daughter of a rel- with disabilities ative, someone in shul,a neighbor down the block. Are you picturing parents who are going about their life in a normal routine, as you would? Or are they caught in a maze where their daily life routine revolves around their child with a disability? Maybe you know such a family, but don’t realize it because they’ve never told anyone about their twenty-five-year-old son with schizophrenia, or never divulged a life-long secret of not taking home their newborn child with Down Syn- drome from the hospital.

SECRETS

eople have secrets. Our everyday lives may be full of them – personal quirks we don’t choose to reveal, personal or Pbusiness relationships gone sour, dreams of hope and fears we never divulge. Every secret has a story, and every person has a reason why he or she wants it to remain private. I was recently at a bris in Flatbush. I said hello to the father of a thirty-year old man who was living at one of OHEL’s many resi- dences for people with psychiatric disabilities. We chatted briefly, and then this gentleman, a man in his seventies, told me that no one in his shul knew of his son’s existence; could I please not divulge this to any person in his circle of acquaintances. Parents of a child with disabilities often do not share infor- mation about their son or daughter because they fear your reac- tion.They’re concerned you will now view their child with mental illness through jaundiced eyes. Hence, their need to

David Mandel is the Chief Executive Officer of OHEL Children’s Home and Family Services in New York. His article, “Teamwork,” was includ- ed in JO’s second dedicated issue on “Children on the Fringe… and Beyond” (March ’00).

The Jewish Observer, October 2002 25 keep this family information private, and NOT BY ALONE treatment is not actively sought for at times, a secret for years and even young people until it becomes a crisis decades. A prominent frum businessman because of parents’ concern of the stig- There are two interwoven reasons requested placement in an OHEL residence ma to their family. why parents may not have revealed they for one of his six children, a nineteen-year- Senator Pete Domenici, of New have a child with a psychiatric disabil- old with mental illness. Would it be OK for Mexico, discussed his daughter Clare’s ity. It is the stigma of shame our entire him to be admitted under a psuedonym so schizophrenia in a New York Times arti- community inadvertently, but very reg- the community should not know and it cle on September 15, 2002. Zealously ularly, imposes on the family. This, then, would not affect shidduchim for his other guarding his family’s privacy in his thir- directly correlates to shadchanus panic five children? ty years as a senator, he speaks of a secret for the siblings of this person with a dis- he frum community, of course, world inhabited by all those whose lives ability. This is not an imbroglio of prob- does not have the market cor- had been touched and ineluctably lems recently developed. This issue is Tnered on stigma and shame asso- changed by mental illness. hundreds of years old. It has, however, ciated with disabilities. The general pub- reached a fevered pitch in our commu- lic also looks askance at people with WHAT IS A DEVELOPMENTAL OR nity’s frenzied quest for the ever-elusive mental illness. PSYCHIATRIC DISABILITY? perfect shidduch for each of ours, the In a front-page Wall Street Journal perfect child. story on June 26th, 2002, Larry Geller- developmental disability Need we have the credentials of stedt III, a prominent and successful includes mental retardation, Avraham Avinu,who had his Yishmael, Atlanta businessman, openly discussed Acerebral palsy, epilepsy, autism to earn the right to make a shidduch for his bouts with severe depression, a and neurological impairment. Most our other children? Must we have form of mental illness. Mr. Gellerstedt people with a developmental disability ruach hakodesh like Yaakov Avinu,to spoke of “his secret demon” and are categorized in the mild to moder- withstand the shame of a brother such admitted that for decades “it has ate range, generally functioning at an IQ as Eisav, so as to marry off our children? haunted me physically, and my embar- below 70. Many people with mental Do we have to achieve a level of rassment of the stigma of mental ill- retardation are born with this disabili- malchus (nobility), like David Ham- ness kept me from getting it properly ty and it is a lifelong condition. By con- elech,with an Avshalom – a rebellious treated.”Mr. Gellerstedt concealed his trast, there are people with cerebral son – to be able to walk proudly in our illness for twenty years! palsy, epilepsy and neurological impair- neighborhood amongst our friends? We Mike Wallace, the veteran news- ments that have average or above aver- are an am of rachamim,a nation of man, recently revealed his decades-long age intelligence and therefore theirs is compassion. We are a people that have bout with alcoholism. The problems of a physical disability and not a develop- been taught by Hashem to understand drugs and alcohol abuse have invaded mental disability. other’s suffering and to accept the dif- our frum community in recent years in The overwhelming majority of peo- ferences amongst us. greater numbers, yet for the most part, ple with developmental disabilities live at home with their parents, attend mainstream or special education class- es, can and do enjoy an enriched life, learning academics and social skills. HELPHELP SAVESAVE AA One especially egregious situation is the number of babies born with Down Syndrome over the last thirty years that JEWISH LIFE have been abandoned in the hospital or JEWISH LIFE “given away.”It is, chas v’shalom, not my nor anyone’s place to judge parents who “BE – MEKAYEM” A ONCE IN A LIFETIME MITZVAH! made these very difficult life choices. The point is that these decisions were made N.J. “Frum” Male in dire need of a kidney. more so because of the stigma associ- Blood Type O ated with and the accompanying shame of having a child with a disability, rather Modern easy process for donor than the level of difficulty of rearing such a child. Please Call: 732-531-3941 There is a prominent family in New York Ask for Yosef. with four sons with developmental dis- abilities. This Rav of a shul, manhig of a

26 The Jewish Observer, October 2002 community, and his Rebbetzin, describe the When a seventeen-year old has a fervor of activity in their home every nervous breakdown or goes into a Suggestions morning: severe depression, his or her parents may These four sons daven loudly with a go through great lengths to “hide” this for dealing “bren”for Kriyas Shma, berachos and Bir- problem. The young man may sudden- chas Hamazon. Their expressions of ahava ly disappear from the neighborhood – with people and derech eretz for each other is heart- he’s off learning in yeshiva or he’s away warming. These boys like to learn Torah. in college, as the neighbors and even rel- with They range in age from fifteen to twenty- atives are told. It’s a result of the shame three. One of the four recently made a siyum the disability will cast on the family and disabilities on a Mesechta of Mishnayos with the help the resulting consequence of shid- of two tutors over a two-year period. duchim concerns for the siblings. •Teach your children at an early A small number of people with As a community, we have established age about the concept of dis- developmental disabilities are placed in an unwritten double standard on shid- abilities. group residences such as those operat- duchim for medical and psychiatric con- • When there is a Shabbaton in ed by OHEL/Bais Ezra, Women’s ditions. your neighborhood for people League, Mishkon/JBCFS, HASC and When we hear that a young man had with disabilities such as is organized Pesach Tikvah. Since the mid 1970’s, a medical problem as a child, such as one by Yachad or OHEL/Bais Ezra, open many such homes and apartments grand mal seizure that was successful- your home to host people with dis- opened in neighborhoods throughout ly treated with medication, or rheumatic abilities. • There is a group residence for New York City and Nassau County. Sim- fever, we tend to overlook it, even people with disabilities in your ilar residences are being developed in though these may be a lifelong condi- neighborhood. Invite a few men or Chicago, Los Angeles and other com- tion and may recur. women for a Shabbos meal, for a munities. Individuals in these homes On the other hand, should we hear BBQ. It will provide your children tend to be adults whose parents have this same person as a child had seen a with an important lesson in life, aged and can no longer care for them, therapist when we was eight years old teaching them to better appreci- or those with severe behavioral issues or for a serious behavioral problem, which ate differences in people. requiring extensive assistance in activ- was immediately treated with success • Encourage your teenage son ities of daily living. and did not recur, we tend to categorize or daughter to baby-sit for a fam- ily who has a child with a disabil- him as a boy with a psychiatric history. ity. They are often desperate to find HEREDITARY – OR OTHERWISE Similarly, if a fourteen-year-old girl such a babysitter so they too can suffered from depression or an eating get a break and go out for an ental illness – including schiz- disorder and was successfully treated by evening. ophrenia, paranoia, depres- a psychologist, social worker or psychi- • Encourage your teenage son Msion, bipolar disorder, and atrist with therapy and anti-depression or daughter to tutor a child with personality disorders – is often the medication, her chances for shidduchim a disability, become a mentor for result of a breakdown in late adolescence in our community can be severely an adolescent going through a or the early twenties. Unlike a develop- diminished because of our collective difficult period in his life, or be a counselor in a camp for children mental disability, which is a lifelong con- attitude, even though she has “recov- with special needs. It will teach your dition and from which people don’t ered.” The mere mention by a family child a lifelong lesson. recover, a person with mental illness can acknowledging their son or daughter “recover” through a combination of medication, psychotherapy and reha- bilitation. We might describe the psy- AREIVIM chiatric condition as being in remission. GittyGitty Because mental illness may be hered- HOTLINE itary as well as caused by social and envi- ronmental pressures, the shame parents From crisis to control. PinterPinter feel and the shame a person with men- Helping our boys and girls Experienced Shadchan tal illness experiences is considerably Parents: 1-866-6AREIVIM for all age groups greater than that of parents of a child for the Orthodox Jewish community. with mental retardation. The latter Teens: 1-866-OURGUYS Rabbinical references available group rationalizes that it is Hashem’s Email: [email protected] work, that it wasn’t so much the parents’ All calls are confidential. Home: (718) 338-1765 “fault.” lknhkt hcm ic iuhm ic b’’gk Pager: (917) 486-5655

The Jewish Observer, October 2002 27 was in therapy or taking anti-depressant and others have entered OHEL’s Sub- the many good programs that are now medication sounds alarm bells, when, stance Abuse Program. Wives from available, from early intervention pro- in fact, it would be more appropriate to prominent families have entered our grams that diagnose, treat and offer sup- ask additional thoughtful questions – shelter for battered women. Such exam- port, to elder care management for the questions that will help define reality ples speak to the fact that these issues older parents and their child with a dis- rather than reflect prejudice and stigma. do occur in all facets of our frum com- ability. There are excellent day programs Please close your eyes again for a munity, among the “posheta mentchen” and outpatient clinics, housing pro- moment, and picture a sixteen-year-old as well as the “chosheva mentchen.” grams and crisis teams staffed by frum with a drug problem; or a woman who But we also have to be practical. If professionals, opportunities for married may have been beaten by her husband; there was full disclosure, why be couples who have a disability to live in or a nineteen–year-old young man meshadech into the family with a a supervised setting with the support of who was molested when he was ten years problem and take a risk that it may be professionals. Parents can reach out to old. Can any of these people safely share hereditary? That is a reasonable ques- parent-sponsored organizations such as their stories, their secrets, with their tion. Moreover, parents who have a OTZAR and Tafkid.The service system neighbors and with the community and child with a disability should be hon- has greatly expanded and people with seek treatment without fear of social and est about their child’s circumstances disabilities and their families should take shidduch repercussions for themselves, – including hospitalizations and med- complete advantage of all these oppor- their siblings or their children? ications – and respond appropriate- tunities. Several years ago, Moishe Hellman, Pres- ly to inquiries, lest they “set up” a A man recently related the following: ident of OHEL, and I met with a group of problem situation for the future. “My wife and I are so proud of our son. He’s parents whose sons and daughters were liv- There are too many circumstances twenty four years old with dual diagnosis, ing in one of OHEL/Bais Ezra’s group homes where parents were not forthright both developmental and psychiatric dis- or apartments. We asked them what they about their son’s bout with depres- abilities, and we never imagined this for would like for their children. They answered sion, that he was “slow,”or that he had him. He’s sharing an apartment with simply and directly: They’d like their chil- a tendency to lose his temper. Hiding another person like him. He’s learning to dren to have a good place to live, the oppor- this information to marry him off cook, he’s learning skills to prepare him for tunity to work and to have friends. only delays his need for treatment. a job, he’s living on his own. He’s actually Sounds familiar? This is exactly what Unfortunately, much of the time doing better than several of his siblings who every parent wants for their child: a good these issues manifest themselves don’t have any disability.” Jewish home, a good job and friends. So shortly after the marriage, and then There are more parents now who people with disabilities have the same the problems are compounded. are no longer willing to sacrifice their interests, the same desires as we do. On the other hand, when inquiries are family’s well being and are more What often prevents them from achiev- made about such a shidduch,we should openly seeking treatment. They ing their life’s goals are not their dis- avoid gossiping, the use of pejorative ter- understand that it is more important abilities but our community’s attitude minology and labeling, which only to get help than to impress their neigh- towards them. serves to stigmatize the person with a dis- bors. The question the rest of us need ability and his family. Seeking rabbini- to ask ourselves when we’re asking IN THE BEST FAMILIES cal guidance in such matters is crucial. about such a family for shidduchim While the emphasis here is on the reasons: Will we view their quest for arious OHEL programs have need for our community to view peo- help and treatment as a strength, or served family members of roshei ple with disabilities and families in cri- will we punish them by quietly sham- Vyeshiva and prominent commu- sis within a broader context, the inher- ing them and thereby discouraging nity leaders. Children and grandchildren ent message here is also to reach out to them from seeking help? of roshei yeshiva with psychiatric prob- families with a son or daughter with dis- Most important, consider the sting lems have lived in an OHEL residence abilities to help them take advantage of and impact of your words when refer- ring to people with disabilities, especially as it concerns shidduchim.Be mindful Considering a move of your sweeping comments when to MONSEY? speaking about the family. Focus on sub- tle, nuanced, positive attributes rather For careful attention to your than a biting negative dismissive state- ment. Let us appreciate Hashem’s daily individual needs, call us today! gift to us when we say “Poke’ach ivrim,” (845) 354-8445 that He opens our eyes to see people with disabilities in a new light. ■

28 The Jewish Observer, October 2002 FOR EVERY JEWISH CHILD… A CHANCE Rabbi Shimon Finkelman Rav Pam’s Special Friend

n the winter of 1989, a son was born made peace with the situation.1 the level of his exposure to the spiritu- to Rabbi and Mrs. Baruch Rabi- “I’m not crying for you,”Rabbi Pam al decadence before the exile ended. For Inowitz of Ditmas Park, Brooklyn. responded. “I’m crying because Chaz- prior to the exile’s end, the world will The child, to be named Nota Shlomo, al state that Moshiach will come and heal sink to astonishingly low levels of sin was born with Down Syndrome. all who are infirm. Now, there is one and immorality. The elders, who lived Though Rabbi Rabinowitz was close more reason why Moshiach has to most of their lives in the sinful, pre-Mes- to Rabbi Avraham Pam, he did not come.” sianic period, will attain the lowest of the immediately inform him of Nota Shlo- Rabbi Pam was Nota Shlomo’s san- three levels of prophecy, that of dreams. mo’s birth. Shabbos morning, the father dak, and at the seuda following the bris, By contrast, children, who will enter the was given an aliya at the Torah reading he addressed the assemblage. He pref- days of Moshiach young and relatively in Mesivta Torah Vodaath, and as is cus- aced his words of Torah by saying,“Yes- unscathed spiritually, will attain the tomary, a “Mi Shebeirach” was recited terday,on the Tenth of Teves, we reliv- highest of the three levels.2 for mother and child. Rabbi Pam, ed the Churban (Temple’s destruction). Rabbi Pam concluded: “We see tan- whose seat was in the center of the beis Today, we shall endeavor to say words gibly that we are not far from this glo- midrash only a few steps from the bima, of nechama (comfort).” rious period. Thus, every child who is wished “Mazel tov”to Rabbi Rabi- Rabbi Pam then quoted a verse in born in these times has a great possibility nowitz, who in turn informed Rabbi which the prophet Yoel describes the of benefiting from this tremendous spir- Pam that the baby had been diagnosed spiritual levels that will be attained with itual flow that will descend from Above, as having Down Syndrome. Rabbi the coming of Moshiach: and which will enrich Jewish children Pam’s eyes welled with tears. Rabbi And it will be after this, I will pour 1 They were helped, in no small measure, by Rabinowitz tried to comfort the Rosh out my spirit upon all flesh, and your Rabbi Rabinowitz’s rebbi,Rabbi Moshe Shapiro Yeshiva by saying that though he and his sons and daughters shall prophesy; of Jerusalem. wife were broken when they first your elders shall dream dreams, your 2 Rabbi Pam, quoting the Chofetz Chaim, said received the report, they had already young men shall see visions (Yoel 3,1) that before any force breathes its last, it rises up to attack its adversaries as never before. Because Rabbi Finkelman,a rebbe in Yeshiva Darchei Malbim sees this verse as referring to the Messianic era will herald the destruction of Torah, Far Rockaway, NY, is a frequent contrib- three levels of prophecy. At the End of the forces of evil, these forces are particularly utor to these pages, including “Middos Instruc- Days, the Jewish people will receive a powerful as the exile draws to a close. The Chofetz tion: Prerequisite for Torah,” (March ’01). He is flow of prophetic inspiration from Chaim said this of the times in which he lived. the author of several biographies published by Above, and the level that each Jew will Surely, said Rabbi Pam, this is true of our time, Mesorah Publications, as well as the in which we have seen the world sink to levels recently published book, The Gift of Speech. attain will be in inverse proportion to not known since the generation of the Flood.

30 The Jewish Observer, October 2002 with awesome powers and abilities, the “Gut Shabbos – what name?” Rabbi Pam out the pamphlet to Nota Shlomo, who likes of which cannot be fathomed. would respond, “Gut Shabbos, Nota accepted it, smiled and handed it back “I would like to bless the little boy, Shlomo; my name is Avraham.” For a to Rabbi Pam, who placed it back on the Nota Shlomo, who as I have heard, car- few weeks, Nota Shlomo said, “Gut shtender.Nota Shlomo was obviously ries the name of a gaon and tzaddik:May Shabbos,Avraham,” which, of course, unhappy with this and exclaimed,“No, the name he has been given have was more than a bit disconcerting to no, no!” The entire scenario was repeat- impact upon his soul, and may he merit Rabbi Rabinowitz. ed again with Nota Shlomo refusing to to receive the spiritual blessings of One day, Rabbi Rabinowitz showed accept each of the two sefarim, and final- which the prophet foretells. May he uti- his son a picture of Rabbi Pam and asked ly accepting the pamphlet. This time, the lize these spiritual blessings to develop him,“Who is this?”When Nota Shlomo child pointed to the pamphlet before beyond the plane of nature; may he responded, “Avraham,” his father said, handing it back to Rabbi Pam. At this become an ish kadosh (holy individual) “No, this is Rav Pam.” They practiced point, Rabbi Pam smiled broadly and and be a source of nachas to his family saying “Rav Pam” a number of times, patted Nota Shlomo’s hand as if to thank and a blessing for Klal Yisroel.” after which Rabbi Rabinowitz told his him, and left the pamphlet on his own son,“So next time you say Gut Shabbos, shtender.After davening,someone asked A LOFTY NESHAMA it’s, ‘Gut Shabbos,Rav Pam.’” Rabbi Pam what had transpired, but The next Shabbos,when Rabbi Pam Rabbi Pam evaded answering. n the years that followed, Rabbi Pam said, “Gut Shabbos,Nota Shlomo, my A few months later, on a summer developed a deep attachment to name is Avraham,” Nota Shlomo morning, Rabbi Rabinowitz approached INota Shlomo Rabinowitz. When the responded, “No, not Avraham – Rav Rabbi Pam after Shacharis to discuss child was past the age of four, his father Pam!” Rabbi Pam laughed and with gen- something. As he began to walk away began taking him to shul on Shabbos. uine happiness exclaimed, “Oh, he is a when the conversation ended, Rabbi Nota Shlomo did not disturb the dav- smart one!” Rabbi Rabinowitz recalls Pam said, “Al timna tov mi’ba’alav – Do ening; instead, he would circle the that Rabbi Pam looked for every oppor- not withhold good from its rightful perimeter of the Torah Vodaath beis tunity to point out Nota Shlomo’s recipient (Mishlei 3,27). Your Nota midrash with quick steps, again and progress and to praise him for his Shlomo is so precious – I have to tell you again. Someone suggested that perhaps accomplishments. a story that happened with him.”Rabbi this was not in keeping with k’vod hate- Pam proceeded to relate what had hap- filla (respect for prayer). Rabbi Pam dis- A HEAVENLY SIGN pened on the morning of the seventh agreed. “Perhaps this is his way of dav- day of Pesach and then explained: ening,” he said, for he perceived that abbi Pam took seriously ill in the When he had taken ill that winter, he Nota Shlomo possessed a lofty neshama. winter of 1997, and underwent decided to undertake an additional “If it’s not really disturbing, we should Rmajor surgery. On the seventh study session as a zechus (source of not stop him.” day of Pesach that followed, Rabbi Pam merit) for his recovery. Rabbi Pam was Sometimes during davening,Nota davened, as usual, at Torah Vodaath. As undecided as to what form of study to Shlomo would place himself to the a rule, no one, neither adults nor chil- right of the aron kodesh with a Tehillim dren, would disturb the YOU CAN NOW LISTEN TO in hand and shake to and fro, lift both during davening or krias haTorah (the torah his hands upward and make sounds as Torah reading). If someone, even a child, essentialsh Essent 2 if he was davening.Rabbi Pam men- wanted to speak to Rabbi Pam, he would Torah tials tioned this in a shmuess, and com- wait until the conclusion of davening. In less than 60 minutes a day! mented that one cannot know what Thus, it was very unusual when on that A(typesetting) new, convenient way for such a child accomplished with his Pesach morning, Nota Shlomo everyone to master “tefilla.” Similarly, when Nota Shlomo approached Rabbi Pam between aliyos TANACH, MISHNA & MISHNA BRURA. hurried to open the aron kodesh prior during the Torah reading, shook his Each line of text is explained clearly to the Torah reading, Rabbi Pam hand, and then pointed to a shtender on cassette by innovative mechanech, remarked that certainly it was of great nearby on which two sefarim and what Rabbi Ephraim Baer significance for the minyan that he was appeared to be a pamphlet were lying. the one performing this honor, though Thinking that the child wanted to hold Great for commuters! what Heavenly ramifications this has is a sefer,Rabbi Pam picked one up and Great for the whole family! beyond us.3 tried to hand it to Nota Shlomo. But Each tape contains: 1 perek of 1 perek of Mishna & For a few years, Nota Shlomo’s stan- Nota Shlomo shook his head,“No!” after 1 perek of Navi 1 page of Mishna Brura dard greeting to everyone in shul was, which Rabbi Pam tried to hand him the For more information, or to place your order, 3 The verse “Shema Yisrael...” was said word for second sefer,but again Nota Shlomo Please call: (845) 425-2177 or word. refused to accept it. Rabbi Pam then held e-mail: [email protected]

The Jewish Observer, October 2002 31 selection for such a purpose. For weeks, Rabbi Pam could not resolve this matter. He was determined to make a decision, come what may, by the close of the seventh day of Pesach. On that morning in the beis midrash, Nota Shlomo refused the two sefarim offered to him by Rabbi Pam – but he happily accepted the pamphlet, which was the yearly Shemiras HaLashon cal- endar for the study of the Chofetz pursue. His choices were: a mesechta of halashon (guarding one’s speech). To his Chaim’s works on the subject. The sec- Gemora, an order of Mishna,or the mind, each choice had specific merits ond time, Nota Shlomo had even point- Chofetz Chaim’s works on shemiras which would seem to make it an ideal ed to the Chofetz Chaim’s picture on the cover before handing it back. Rabbi Pam took this as a Heavenly sign that he should undertake the study of the Subscribe or give a gift of Chofetz Chaim’s works. “You should know,”Rabbi Pam told Rabbi Rabinowitz,“that as a result of my The Jewish Observer decision, the talmidim of our beis midrash and of Beis Medrash Elyon (in Monsey) have also undertaken the and $ave! study of shemiras halashon – and this is all because of Nota Shlomo.” WHY NOT GIVE OR GET A PRESENT THAT WILL LAST AN ENTIRE YEAR ? REJOICING WITH THE TORAH ubscribe, or give a gift at these reduced prices S or most Down Syndrome children, and The Jewish Observer– filled with the views singing and dancing have special of leading Torah thinkers on current issues– will be Fmeaning. For Nota Shlomo, Sim- delivered each month, directly to your door. chas Torah is a highlight of the year. The longer you subscribe for, the larger your savings. When Nota Shlomo was almost eight years old, his grandparents bought him Of course, this offer is unconditionally guaranteed; a child’s sefer Torah to hold on Simchas you may cancel at any time and receive a refund for Torah.Throughout the night and day in all undelivered copies. shul, he held the Torah tightly to his So order today, and the very next issue will be on bosom, displaying an attachment that was cause for wonder. Only with great its way to you as soon as possible. encouragement did he relinquish the J.O. SUBSCRIPTION SAVINGS CERTIFICATE sefer Torah from time to time and dance. ❏ On the morning of Simchas Torah YES, I want to take advantage of this money saving offer! Enter my order as follows: when the Torah reading commenced in ❏ SELF ❏ GIFT Name______USA *OUTSIDE the beis midrash of Torah Vodaath, Nota ONLY USA Shlomo approached the gabbai at the ❏ Address______3 years Cover Price $105 Your cost $60 $96 bima and offered him his sefer Torah to City ______❏ 2 years Cover Price $70 Your cost $44 $68 use for the Torah reading. The gabbai ❏ 1 year Cover Price $35 Your cost $24 $36 State ______Zip ______politely refused the offer, but Nota Shlo- ❏ Send gift card from:______mo continued to ask that his sefer Torah ❏ Enclosed: $ ______or be used. And though his father instruct- Charge my: ❏ MasterCard ❏ VISA ed him to return to his seat, the child 42 Broadway, 14th Floor, New York, NY 10004 The Jewish Observer is published monthly except July and August. Account No. ______returned to the bima a number of times Please allow 4 - 6 weeks for delivery. Expiration Date: (month/year) ______to again make his request. Finally, *Outside U.S.A. price reflects $12 extra per year to defray air shipping costs. Foreign payment must be made in U.S. dollars, either by check Signature______Rabbi Rabinowitz told his son quietly drawn on a bank in the U.S.A. or by VISA or MasterCard. but firmly that the gabbai will not use

32 The Jewish Observer, October 2002 his sefer Torah, and that he should return to his seat and sit quietly. Rabbi Pam, who was sitting in his Lofty Soul regular seat only a few feet away from the bima,overheard this. He motioned (Excerpted from an address by Rabbi Pam for Nota Shlomo to come over to him. to parents of special children) Rabbi Pam spoke to the child in a whis- per for less than a minute and succeeded “I am here as a grandfather, a grandfather of a special child, the kind of in calming him. Nota Shlomo happily child this meeting is all about. I would like to share with you the experience of our family – Baruch Hashem, a very positive experience. returned to his seat. When Mussaf got “...When the oldest daughter (i.e. the child’s oldest sibling) heard that underway, Nota Shlomo became a bit this baby was a special child, she remarked with enthusiasm, ‘We will love anxious, and every few minutes he asked her, we will raise her, we will take care of her,’ and that was the feeling of his father how much time was left until the entire family. And Miriam is, indeed, a very popular member of the fam- davening would end. ily, much loved and cared for, the center of attention, who, in turn, brings As soon as davening ended, Nota great joy into the mishpacha. She has her limitations, naturally, but with all Shlomo said, “Abba,now my turn.”He that, she is a delightful child, a happy child, a well-adjusted child, sociable, then took his sefer Torah to the bima,put comfortable in any setting, in school and among friends... I think it’s all due it down and said, “Rabbi Pam said that to the attention, love and care given her by my daughter-in-law and son primarily, as well as her siblings and the entire family – and of course, siya- now my turn.” ta DiShmaya. Rabbi Rabinowitz approached Rabbi “I have heard that some women in similar situations have asked, `But why Pam, who explained,“I told Nota Shlo- me?’ In other words, these women understand that the Ribbono shel Olam mo that right now we are using the big creates all sorts of neshamos – `But why me?’ is their question. sefer Torah,but after davening we would “I have never heard the mother of a brilliant child ask, `Why me?’ We do more leining from his sefer Torah and don’t question the Ribbono shel Olam’s judgment when He sends us a gift- that we will call up people to the ed child. [By the same token,] we should not question Him when, in His Divine Torah.” wisdom, He chooses to send the special child to our family. Perhaps He did And so after most of the congregants this because He wanted to entrust his or her care to a family that is worthy of the trust, that will take good care of it, with love and affection, and give had left, Nota Shlomo’s sefer Torah was fullest attention to its development. This is a shelichus (mission) with which opened on the bima in Mesivta Torah the family has been entrusted by the Ribbono shel Olam – why question it? Vodaath and with some fifteen people “... I watch Nota Shlomo Rabinowitz run around the shul on Shabbos with crowded around the bima,three people such simcha – I feel that this is his form of avodas Hashem (service of Hashem). were called up by name for their And as Rabbi Rabinowitz says, the Ribbono shel Olam accepts and treasures “aliyos.” After each man pretended to every form of avoda, and coming from such a child, a truly heilig’e neshama recite the blessing over the Torah, Nota (lofty soul), I feel this is a true expression of his soul. Shlomo, standing on a chair, proudly “You see the same in all these children. They have very sensitive, very intense “read” from his sefer Torah.When the feelings. Their neshamos, like all neshamos, are radiations of the light of Shechi- na, which shines through them.… You look at these children and you see third “aliya” was completed, two men their souls shining through – literally.” were honored with “hagba” and “gelila.” Then, the sefer Torah was given to Nota Shlomo and an enthusiastic rikud Rabinowitz said,“Nota Shlomo feels that Nota Shlomo if he crossed the street by (dance) ensued. he is big enough to cross the street by himself, he replied,“Rav Pam said ‘No!’” One Shabbos afternoon, Nota Shlo- himself, but his parents feel that he mo walked home from Pirchei groups should not cross. What does the Rosh “RAV PAM MISSES HIM” alone, which involved crossing three Yeshivah say?” streets. His parents were very con- Rabbi Pam smiled and took the he last years of Rabbi Pam’s life, cerned, especially when they spoke to child’s hand in his own.“Nota Shlomo, when walking was very difficult him and he insisted that he was “big you are very big,”he said kindly,“but in Tfor him, a minyan would gather enough” to cross streets by himself. order to cross the street, you must be in his house for all the tefillos of Shab- His father told him, “Nota Shlomo, even bigger. Im yirtzeh Hashem (G-d bos and Yom Tov.Rabbi Rabinowitz whenever we have an important ques- willing), the time will come when you would bring Nota Shlomo for Mincha tion, we ask Rav Pam what to do. We’re will be able to cross the street alone – on Shabbos afternoon. and Rabbi Pam going to Rav Pam and he will pasken but not yet.” would always seat the boy to his imme- (decide) whether or not you are old Nota Shlomo accepted Rabbi Pam’s diate left. If someone else was already enough to cross the street alone.” decision happily and said,“Thank you.” occupying the seat when the Rabinow- They came to Rabbi Pam and Rabbi From that day and on, if someone asked itzes walked in, Rabbi Pam would have

The Jewish Observer, October 2002 33 Nota Shlomo stand next to him. Rabbi longer came to Mincha – until he was vent any passing of germs, no one was Pam would greet Nota Shlomo with a contacted by Rabbi Pam’s devoted to shake Rabbi Pam’s hand. But Rabbi hug and the child would always ask, grandson, Reb Binyamin, who explained Pam told the person, “For him [Nota “How’s Rav Pam?” that Rabbi Pam had made it clear from Shlomo], it’s O.K.” As time went on, the size of the min- the outset, that the “regulars” who were Nota Shlomo let ago, took a step back yan grew to the point that the over- fixtures at the minyan should continue and noticed how visibly ill Rabbi Pam crowdedness in the Pams’ small dining coming even if they found the sign appeared. (He had been discharged from room area made it stuffy and unhealthy hanging. “And my grandfather misses the hospital only a few days earlier.) “Why for a man in Rabbi Pam’s condition. Nota Shlomo,” R’ Binyamin went on. Rav Pam so weak?” he wanted to know. With great reluctance, Rabbi Pam per- “He misses seeing him and he misses the “Why am I so weak?”Rabbi Pam respond- mitted that a sign be hung on the front simcha (joy) that he brings to him. So ed softly, a slight smile on his lips.“What door which stated that though the please make sure to bring him.” do I know? Ask the Ribbono shel Olam.” 4 Rosh Yeshiva would love to have every- On Shabbos afternoon, when Nota Nota Shlomo looked upwards and one join the minyan,his medical con- Shlomo entered the Pam residence, he said, “Hashem,why Rav Pam so weak? dition no longer allows for it, and that ran straight for Rabbi Pam, grabbed Make him all better. Give him refua if the sign is hanging, it means that there hold of his legs and hugged him. And sheleima!” is already a minyan inside and everyone Rabbi Pam responded in kind, holding Rabbi Pam took hold of the boy and is requested to daven at “one of the good the child close to him. Someone said with emotion,“Nota Shlomo, may battei midrash in the neighborhood.” attempted to get the child away, for Hashem answer your tefillos and grant As a result, Rabbi Rabinowitz no instructions had been given that to pre- us both a refua sheleima, so that we can together go to greet Moschiach tzidkeinu, bimheira v’yameinu, Amein.” You can! Just call In June, when Rabbi Pam was again I wish I could The Yitti Leibel hospitalized, Nota Shlomo drew a pic- “ Helpline. ture of someone in bed and wrote,“Dear H OURS: Rav Pam, feel all better, refua sheleima. speak to a Monday-Friday...... 8am -12pm Love, Shlomo.”When the letter arrived Monday-Thursday ...... 8pm -11pm in the mail, Rebbetzin Pam brought it Sunday...... 9am -12pm, 9pm -11pm to Rabbi Pam and read it to him. Rabbi frum therapist 718-HELP-NOW Pam remarked that he derived an enor- (718) 435-7669 mous amount of joy from Nota Shlo- mo and he instructed his grandson to Chicago...... (800) HELP-023 inform the child that he had received the on the phone Lakewood...... (732) 363-1010 Cleveland...... (888) 209-8079 letter and that he appreciated it.“But tell Baltimore...... (410) 578-1111 him,”he said,“that his name is not plain without giving Detroit...... (877) 435-7611 Shlomo – it is Nota Shlomo.” San Diego...... (866) 385-0348 The morning of Rabbi Pam’s funer- kgkuh ban, jh'v suxht c, r' anutk crul uuhkvgko g"v uuhkvgko crul anutk r' c, suxht jh'v ban, kgkuh )bpyrv h"t thhr ,ak"v( thhr h"t )bpyrv al, by which time the Rabinowitz fam- r' hagh'v ci r' nav sus crtui g"v crtui sus nav r' ci hagh'v r' my name. ,ak"v( xhui c' )bpyr ily had heard the tragic news, Rabbi ” Dedicated by Mr. & Mrs. Shmuel Boruch Wilhelm Rabinowitz arrived home from Shacharis to find Nota Shlomo sitting on the porch. He said, “Rav Pam sick, Rav Pam hospital, Rav Pam died. Now Rav Pam happy.”He then marched into the house, grabbed a Chumash and said, “Me learn Chumash for Rav Pam.”Each day of shiva, he sat for a while learning Chumash and to this day, when he remembers, he learns Chumash for Rabbi Pam’s neshama. ■ 4 Rabbi Pam never uttered a word of complaint over his afflictions and almost constant pain. He told a grandson that he felt such gratitude towards Hashem for the kindness which He had shown him throughout his life, that he found it diffi- cult to even acknowledge that he was in pain.

34 The Jewish Observer, October 2002 Sarah Shapiro

Blessed are You...our G-d...Who recalls the kindnesses of our forefa- thers and brings a Redeemer to their children’s children…with love…. I will always recall the deeds that were That I Can Survive done…A snake [Haman] descended from serpents [Amalek]. When his vileness is recalled, may his memo- ry decay for angering G-d. That Until You thorny enemy blossomed from the nation that was a constant threat to Israel, And generation after genera- tion kept doing so…If Israel, with Remember human weakness, violated the covenant to remember, You,Who are G-d and are not a human, why do You not remember? Though I know that years: “I don’t want Arab workers.” twenties, one a teenager. I showed them You are to remember, my soul is That shift can probably be attributed in – their eyes averted, as were mine – despondent until You finally do to the bombing the night before, with all their tools, and buckets, and remember. Do I have the strength to which, as Chana said, took place close the roll of carpet. hope? And when will my life end, that to our home. Our fifteen-year-old They worked all day, steadily, with a I can survive until You remember? daughter later realized that it had prob- break for lunch out on the porch. Eyes YOTZER FOR PARASHAS ZACHOR ably been the suicide bomber whom averted, I had served them café chahor. she and her friends, sitting on a bench Every once in a while, tense, I’d looked Dear Sarah, outside, late Shabbos afternoon, had in on them as the work progressed. I hope that you and yours are well seen about a half hour before the They were doing a good job. and healthy after the terrible bombing explosion. He’d been wandering At six o’clock, the older one told me so near your home. around, probably hoping to come they were done. I was out of checks, so across a crowd — which soon he did. I paid in cash.“Can you give me a kabal- n a magnificent morning in One of those who died was a little girl la?” I asked. spring, I’ve just finished lodging in a carriage. When the child went up He shook his head, no. Omy whole litany of complaints, in flames, her mother reached madly “But” – I didn’t know what to make pleas, thanks, worries, fears and regrets to pull her out but couldn’t, because of this. “I’ll need a receipt.” at the Kotel.Walking backwards a few her hand had been blown off. “No.”He shrugged slightly.“I can’t.” steps, as is the custom, so as not to You clear out a space in the room, “You don’t have any from the store?” immediately turn my back to the Wall, which means picking which patient is He shook his head. I’m thinking of an email I got last night. most suitable to move to a lower level “You can just write it on a piece of I spent the day in one of the semi- of observation, you move the bed and paper, then. I’ll give you paper.” intensive care rooms at Hadassah, the dresser out, get the cleaning people “No, no.” He seemed to be redden- rushing through my routine activities to mop up and you try to snag an elec- ing. His eyes, brown, glanced into mine. and waiting for the immanent arrival tric eye IV pump that is not in use. You “I – can’t write.” He was ashamed. of one of the wounded, a 7-year-old boy fill up the nebulizer unit with distilled “Oh!” He was a very slender, olive- with burns over 70% of his body. water, and you make sure you have both skinned young man. “That’s all right.” It was from my friend Chana Siegel, an oxygen mask AND an oxygen hose, He looked like one of my cousins, a nurse at Hadassah, and the email because the patient will almost certainly Michael, at that age.“So I’ll write it and happened to arrive the same day we’d need supplementary oxygen. you can sign it.” had a rug put in in one of the bed- He shook his head. “I can’t write rooms. On the phone with the store, o, no, geveret, al tidagi,” the Hebrew.” I’d said something I can’t recall hav- man at the carpet store “Oh!” I exclaimed, still trying to get ing ever said so flatly before, in all these “Nassured me. “Raq poalim this straight. “So you mean you can’t Yehudim.” Only Jewish workers. write in Hebrew. What about Arabic? ” Mrs. Shapiro of Jerusalem is a frequent con- But when I opened the door – who You rush through the burn treat- tributor to these pages, most recently with “When Grown-Ups are Helpless” (Sept. ’02). Her most knows how these things happen – it ments of the two burn patients you recent book is A Gift Passed Along:A Woman was two young Palestinian men who already have in the room, and you try Looks at the World Around Her – ArtScroll. stood there facing me. One was in his to rush the doctors of the various staffs

The Jewish Observer, October 2002 43 who are planning to release patients happening?” pain, for the child, for his family, and, today into finishing their release letters And then the patient does not to a more limited extent, for you. so you can hurry up and check the come. Because he is not doing so well, “Does it hurt you at all, what’s hap- patient out on the computer, and then after all, and because in spite of two ter- pening?” My mind veered crazily into explain the release letter to the patient’s rorist attacks (you heard the helicopters the thought of the woman reaching for family. You do whatever you can to thin coming in with the wounded from her little girl and ricocheted crazily away. out or finish the workload so that you’ll Ofra), the patient still cannot be “When your people do things, when be free to deal with the transfer of what released from the Pediatric Intensive they hurt children?” will be a difficult, physically and emo- Care Unit. Who were we kidding, any- You wish you could just be doing tionally demanding patient, and a way? Seventy percent second and appendectomies and hernias. family that is bound to be an exhaust- third degree burns is a big deal, a dis- “Yes,” he said, as I wondered if he ed emotional wreck. aster to the body’s ecological system. meant it. “I don’t want to die. I don’t Shrugging maybe, he shook his head, Thank G-d they could still keep him in want to send my children to die.” no. PICU. The self-preservation instinct? Could “Really, Arabic would be fine. It Heaven knows, you will get to one safely assume, then, that this was not would be interesting for me!” know him well enough in the weeks a likely candidate for martyrdom? I went to get some paper and a pen and weeks and weeks he will be with “Oh,”I said,“so you have children?” and pulled out a chair for him at the din- you all in semi-intensive care, assum- “Would you like to see?” ing room table, then watched, over his ing, G-d willing, he makes it that far. You try to prepare a face for all the Arab shoulder, how the Arabic writing You know, within certain parameters, faces you will meet. appeared, as if of its own volition, and what will be, and it will not be He took out his wallet. First, a girl, then the numbers. He signed it, rose, and pretty. two years old, but it was the little boy, handed me the note. I looked at his sig- Pain flitted over his face. He shook aged seven, that got me. A sweet face. nature. his head, lifting both hands, palms up. Disturbingly sweet. “May I ask what your name is?” “I don’t know,” he said, pressing one Faces of children you will care for, about He told me the name (which I’ve for- hand lightly to his heart. “I am just a whom you will also bring yourself to care. gotten). Something occurred to me, to small person.” Once again, “I don’t want my children ask him. “What do you think of what’s It will involve oceans and oceans of to die.” ZICHRON R’ SHLOMO ARYEH V’RIVKA 4.75” Tape Library k’’z ihhya oujb ’r ic ’hrt vnka ’r b"gk v’’g tsuh cegh ,c vecr ’zu

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44 The Jewish Observer, October 2002 he Western Wall Plaza stretches ing in their direction. out before me. As I head toward Even to be civil to these people might Tthe long flight of stairs that I’ll be be a betrayal of myself and my people’s Digest of Meforshim climbing to the Jewish Quarter of the blood, but if the two of them are blos- yjvkl rtb yjvkl Old City, I notice two Arab women on soms of Amalek, here and now there’s their way down, arm in arm, one lean- no way for me to know. All I can do is l”xz rijla lavms g”hrhm ing on the other for support. to practice self-preservation — Jewish Available at It’s a slow, laborious descent. I slow self-preservation — and perpetuate LEKUTEI down as I approach, watching. our survival as rachmanim bnei rach- c/o Yitzchok Rosenberg You remind yourself that you do this manim. 1445 54th Street for you, not necessarily for them, I nod politely towards the wheelchair. Brooklyn, NY 11219-4228 because this is part of what it means to A shadow of the bombing looms up, 718-854-6701 be “rachmanim bnei rachmanim.” blocking the sun. “Shalom, geveret. Because at the end of the day, this is Boker tov.” 20 Volumes on Torah, Perek, Medrash, what makes you different from them. The younger one’s face is a hard steely Megilos, , and Tehilim. I see them better now. The difficul- surface; her lowered gaze darts instant- Proceeds of sales distributed among ty of the older one’s walking, and the ly away. But the other woman’s bleakly Yeshivos and used for reprinting of younger one’s difficulty, supporting the stricken countenance tips up towards me volumes out-of-print weight. A scarf’s wrapped around the from under her body’s pain and the dead- PRICE: $8.00 PER VOLUME younger one’s head and tied under the weight hatred of three thousand years. chin, as is the custom, but the other one’s Stay well. Stay healthy. dressed in secular fashion. Suspicion flickers under her skin, but You put your anger in a box and nail for a fraction of a moment, Rabbi Aryeh Schechter the top on tight, because this is not the We are all in Hashem’s hands. place, this is not the forum to let it out. an uncertain moment, her face SOFERRabbi S’’TAM Amazing how hard a mundane thing dawns tentatively in grateful surprise. Schechter1558 41st 2" Street like going downstairs can be, when Love, Brooklyn NY 11218 you’re in pain. At the foot of the stairs Chana ■ is a wheelchair, waiting. The younger We make “housecalls” one must have brought it down and got- (718) 972-4003 ten it set up there beforehand. kdvb • btvc hrvt yrpo And you know that tomorrow will tvzvzmv Nylypt be another day in the ward, that no matter how tempting it may be to fall Specializing in small batim for a perfect fit. apart, you will continue to function, just as you did today, because tomor- row that little boy, or another one, will be there, and will need you, and a lot of other people who can keep the lid on the box and just get on with it. They get to the bottom. The older one’s not so old, after all — maybe in her mid-fifties. You will try to stop dramatizing yourself by doing things like writing in the second person. Grimacing, she grips the arm rests as the other woman lowers her down. For all I know, the one in the chair, in pain, has dedicated her motherhood to rais- ing suicide bombers. The younger one could very well view it as her sacred duty to hate – or who knows, kill – his Jew- ish infidel coming their way, who for some unknown reason seems to be look-

The Jewish Observer, October 2002 45 POSTSCRIPT Rabbi Aryeh Z. Ginzberg

va, Rabbi Naftoli Trop l”xz, was deathly ill, the talmidim organized around-the- clock Torah learning and Tehillim,with public fasting, and so on. They then A Call to Arms approached the Chofetz Chaim l”xz to join them in their efforts on behalf of Reb Becoming One Family Naftoli. The Chofez Chaim l”xz thought for a few moments, and said,“Yes,I would like to participate in accepting something n response to an article this writer to effectuate zechusim for Klal Yisroel. upon myself in the zechus of Reb Naftoli. wrote in the June 2002 edition of Even a modest kabbala (resolution) can I will learn two minutes extra in zechus IThe Jewish Observer, titled “Ter- make a world of difference. of his refua (recovery).” rorism, Sugar Cubes, and Filet Min- The talmidim were stunned at the

inzberg gon” (about our attitudes Rabbi Aryeh Z G Chofetz Chaim’s seemingly lack of towards events in Eretz Yisroel), concern for the grave situation, espe- there has been a remarkable TERRORISM, cially in view of the great sacrifices flow of responses via phone calls, SUGAR CUBES that they were prepared to undergo faxes and letters, from eleven FILET MIGNON for their beloved Rebbe.But the cities in three countries (includ- & Chofetz Chaim taught them a valu- ing a call from Sydney, Australia) able lesson. Even two minutes of sin- with similar sentiments – that the cere learning can be a powerful er bombing of a #18 bus that very after- to the center of town. There were so noon. Another responded, “I heard 22 UDE message of this brief article IT’S ABOUT ATTIT many tragic losses of lives of Jewish men, people died today!” Another who had zechus.This devoted talmid of the women and children, that it complete- just begun his main course interjected, ermit me to explain the ambigu- ly shook even the seasoned veteran res- “No, I heard it was 23 dead.”And then touched their souls. Almost all cor- ous title of this article. It is not idents of Yerushalayim to the core. in the very same breath added, “Wow, Chofetz Chaim concluded that Reb about terrorism per se, nor even During that painful week, my wife the filet mignon is delicious!” P As I sat there listening, I realized that about the various foods groups; rather and I were invited to a wedding of a respondents had the same trou- child of one of her oldest and dearest I had found a title for Sunday’s lecture: Naftoli did have a miraculous it’s about attitude. “Bus #18 and Filet Mignon.”I meant no While the news for close to two years friends. This is one obligatesof those occasions the spouse where one’s kesuba criticism against anyone. Theall,in point asense, of bling question, though asked in a now has been painful and frightening at my lecture was how we are recovery, and resumed saying his best, and arousing feelings of total help- to tag along to a wedding where he won’t e hear about tragedies on the even know one person (besides his wife). that way. W lessness at worst, the question we all need radio, pick it up from CNN, and read to ask ourselves is, how has the situation With the terrible tragedies,w hotaking had place the variety of ways: “Rabbi Ginzberg, then in Eretz Yisroel all the details in the newspaper. Then we brilliant shiurim in the Yeshiva. changed our lives, and more importantly, sit down and truly enjoy our dinner of ourselves? To be sure, we follow the news, desire or frame of mind to attend any simcha,let alone that of strangers? But filet mignon, without missing a beat. and we respond by lobbying, writing let- How many of us see ourselves in this sce- what do you suggest that I and my ters to our congressman, e-mailing our duty called. While some believed it was due to I later made my way to the din- nario? objections to the media for their biased As ing room, I decided to make the most AKINGS coverage, and raising money for impor- LARGE UNDERT BITS family do to demonstrate our deep tant causes that may be suffering, or of the situation at hand. I had been AND SMALL HA the great personal sacrifices they whose needs are increasing; we are called the day before by an organizationshiurim in Flatbush that sponsors timely making a difference out there –? with oth- t that lecture, I shared a lifelong to the general public, and was asked if feelings for the suffering of Acheinu ers. But what about ourselves lesson that I had learned years had made on his behalf, some If any of us are the same people as I would give a lecture the following Sun- divrei chizuk (words of encour- earlier from a great man on just we were prior to September 2000, then day with A this point. I was returning from, aand sev- to Bais Yisroel in Eretz Yisroel?” we really need to engage in some deep agement) for the depressingdily agreed, situation and in Eretz Yisroel understood that it was more like- Eretz Yisroel.I rea eral-month stay in soul searching. my great fortune, on the flight to NewRosh I remember another painful time promised to call back with an appro- .Seated at a table York I recognized the Lakewood l”xz. My immediate response was two- years ago (there have been so many), priate title for the ,Rabbi , ly due to the Chofetz Chaim’s two of strangers, I would use the time to HaYeshiva when Shimon Peres was Prime Minis- Being young and brash, I wormed my r and there were several consecutive gather my thoughts in preparation for te way into sitting in the very next seat, to fold. First and foremost, it is a ques- days of bus bombings on the Jerusalem the lecture that coming Sunday. minutes of additional learning on I found my seat just as the main learn whatever I could from this out- bus #18, which runs from Bayit Vegan standing Torah leader. fthe Ohr course of filet mignon was being unding Rav o I asked him to share some personal bbi Ginzberg,fo Y, is cur- brought to the table. Someone asked if tion for Gedolei Yisroel and beyond the Ra te in Hillcrest, N llections of his late father, Rabbi his behalf. oshe Torah Institu orah Center reco M hofetz Chaim T anyone had heard the latest news from Rav ofthe C rk. rently sland),New Yo Yerushalayim, as there had been anoth- arhurst (Long I purview of the writer. ofCed The Jewish Observer, June 2002 here is one idea, though,

The second point is to understand 6 that does weigh heavily on that one need not make major life Tmy mind and in my heart. changes (they usually don’t last, anyway) Some years ago, I had So many families have been decimated the opportunity to visit with a former by terrorist attacks over the last two Rabbi Ginzberg,founding Rav of our Ohr Moshe outstanding talmid of the Chofetz Chaim years, and have lost all hope of being able Torah, Institute in Hillcrest, NY,is currently Rav l”xz in Radin. He related that when the to restore some quality to their shattered of the Chofetz Chaim Torah Center of Cedarhurst (Long Island), New York. beloved Rosh Yeshiva of the Radin Yeshi- lives. More important, they have come to feel alone, ignored and isolated as “Acquire A Friend” their plight is reduced to a statistic. say our Sages (Avos 1:6), ASTER AF In my opinion, if every shul in the MASTER DAF U.S. would adopt just one family as their “BE A • 4-5 blatt per tape family and their responsibility, what a FRIEND” • Each Daf is read, world of difference it could make! The translated, and explained members of the shul would not only is the title of a slowly and clearly in just new book by 20 minutes provide much-needed financial support, but equally important, they would pro- Targum/Feldheim. • $4 per tape (plus S&H) Enjoy both. • Subscription rate: $3 per tape vide moral and emotional support. (plus S&H) When member go to Eretz Yisroel, they Available through would visit with their family (as they Box 82 1-718-435-5438 • 1-800-966-6026 would their own relatives). The mem- S.I., N.Y. 10309 A project of the Slabodka Yeshiva ber would keep up on the progress of

46 The Jewish Observer, October 2002 the children in school, health matters Rabbi Keller did speak to some of the and their overall well-being. organizations referred to, and unsuc- Imagine the chizuk that each fami- cessful attempts were made to meet ly would feel, knowing that while the with others. But that is really imma- pain of missing their loved ones will terial to the question of whether the never disappear from their lives, their exchange should have been published. family will have now grown tenfold and That these organizations, whose they are part of a much larger family. names were not mentioned in the arti- They would participate in simchos of the “KIRUV PROFESSIONALS cles, could be identified and feel new members, as these members would DESERVE OUR RESPECT” slighted is due to the fact that these participate in theirs. activities were public and openly In a sense it was like the Klausen- To the Editor: advertised. That very fact is what berger Rebbe l”xz had said: “The Nazis I read Rabbi Keller’s response to a let- called for a public discussion of the took eleven children from me. In ter regarding unconventional approach- propriety of these activities, which, response I will open eleven yeshivos. One es pursued by various kiruv organiza- although not universal to the kiruv in memory of each of my children. Every tions in their attempts to reach out to movement, are definitely part of a one they took, I will replace with hun- alienated Jews (“Let Us Build Torah trend. What one group does publicly dreds.” With Torah,”Sept. ’02). I cannot under- without any criticism or protest, leads So, too, we say to the Arab murder- stand why you published this exchange. others to emulate. It is literally impos- ers, s”my: “You tried to destroy a small While admittedly some of their pro- sible to track down and personally con- family; we replaced it with a much larg- grams were quite unconventional and tact all the organizations that may be er one – one that may contain hundreds may have been out of line with estab- adopting these practices. In fact, many of new family members.” lished norms in the Torah community, in the movement have said that the While the chizuk and benefit the fam- why was this aired in a public forum? article was long overdue. Positive cor- ily would derive is obvious, members of Shouldn’t these criticisms have been rections have already begun to be made participating shul also have much to gain: conveyed directly to the organizations as a result of it. the knowledge that they have joined and only then – if there were no satis- It is precisely because the movement together as one to save a family in Klal factory response – published in your is so precious and so vital to the future Yisroel will give much nachas to them pages? Kiruv professionals are dedicat- of Klal Yisroel that its integrity and the and to the Borei Olam.They can par- ed workers, engaged in a heroic spiri- dignity of its activists should be zeal- ticipate in Hashem’s work of being tual hatzala.Don’t they deserve love, ously guarded. zokeif kefufim – helping those bent respect, encouragement and more dis- Corrections and calls for close scruti- stand upright, and since only one fam- creet treatment? ny should be made publicly, to correct ily would be assigned to each shul, it need YISROEL MEYER FEINERMAN misconceptions and to avoid the erosion not become the burden on the individ- Brooklyn, NY of accepted standards of modesty, ual members. This would apply to every halacha, and k’vod HaTorah.Thus the shul,large and small, with the larger ones EDITORIAL RESPONSE: public discussion in our pages. It would adopting the larger families. be to the benefit of all concerned if pol- The first step would be consultation We share the letter writer’s admira- icy matters and the details of new proj- with Gedolei Torah for their daas Torah. tion for the extraordinary dedication of ects were first submitted to Gedolei I have discussed this idea with my own the kiruv professionals. They are truly HaTorah for review. N.W. Rebbe,Rabbi Henoch Leibowitz a”jyls, on the front line in our war against Rosh Yeshiva of Chofetz Chaim, intermarriage and assimilation, and who felt it would be a chessed shel emmes, continue to win countless battles for the and that it is worthy of further explo- spiritual revival of our Jewish brothers ration. Also needed is a group of con- and sisters, one neshama at a time. cerned ohavei Yisroel whose broken This was clearly stated in both Rabbi hearts are crying at the current situation Keller’s original article and his response in Eretz Yisroel (like the people who called to the letter to the editor. Both articles me after reading the previous article). also stressed that the concerns raised and And we could hear from the respect- the examples of unacceptable tenden- ed readers of The Jewish Observer who cies cited are not to be considered as would like to comment on the feasibil- characteristic of the movement as a ity of such a program being imple- whole. mented. ■ Contrary to the writer’s assumption,

The Jewish Observer, October 2002 47