The Bard is Back Making the News Punk Movie Magic

Craccum resolves to stay relevant; recommends you Robbie Nicol chats to [1]Craccum about being the Anoushka Maharaj loves Dev Patel; is the voice of go see a play written in 1599 Kiwi John Oliver her generation HIP HOP DAY Savage MONDAY SHADOWS BAR 6 MARCH Mai Fm DJ Battle (NIGHT) ALBERT PARK (DAY)

AUSA ORIENTATION STEIN Cops Vs Robbers Orientation Talent Quest TUESDAY SHADOWS BAR (NIGHT) ALBERT PARK (DAY) 7 MARCH

AUSA AND THE UNVIERSITY OF PRESENT WEDNESDAY PARTY IN THE PARK 8 MARCH FEATURING MARSHMELLO After Party WITH SACHI, KINGS & SUMMER THEIVES WITH GEORGE FM’S ALBERT PARK BEN WALKER SHADOWS BAR (10PM) Chill out in the Park WITH ELLERY DAINES TRIO, BEWYLDABEAST, THURSDAY SMALL TRINKETS, HARRY PARSONS. 9 MARCH ALBERT PARK

AUSA PRESENTS 95bFM Bands in the Park FRIDAY WITH O-Week 10 MARCH Phoenix Foundation AND DICTAPHONE BLUES, DUAL, Final Nite TE HUHU, SCARED OF GIRLS. Party ALBERT PARK (DAY) WITH Drax Project SHADOWS BAR (NIGHT)

[2] ISSUE ONE

HIP HOP DAY Savage CONTENTS MONDAY SHADOWS BAR 6 MARCH Mai Fm DJ Battle (NIGHT) ALBERT PARK (DAY)

AUSA ORIENTATION STEIN 6 12 NEWS COMMUNITY Cops Vs Robbers Orientation Talent Quest TUESDAY SHADOWS BAR (NIGHT) ALBERT PARK (DAY) 7 MARCH SAFE ZONE ANDREW LITTLE Keep safe on your nights out On Willie Jackson, immigration, and Te Tiriti

AUSA AND THE UNVIERSITY OF AUCKLAND PRESENT WEDNESDAY PARTY IN THE PARK 8 MARCH FEATURING MARSHMELLO After Party WITH GEORGE FM’S WITH SACHI, KINGS & SUMMER THEIVES 14 18 ALBERT PARK BEN WALKER LIFESTYLE FEATURES SHADOWS BAR (10PM) CAFFEINE FIX MELANIA TRUMP Stay awake with our top 5 coffee Gets educated on the travel ban. Chill out in the Park hotspots WITH ELLERY DAINES TRIO, BEWYLDABEAST, THURSDAY SMALL TRINKETS, HARRY PARSONS. 9 MARCH ALBERT PARK

AUSA PRESENTS 95bFM Bands in the Park 25 29 FRIDAY WITH O-Week COLUMNS ARTS 10 MARCH Phoenix Foundation AND DICTAPHONE BLUES, DUAL, Final Nite SPORTING PREDICTIONS SONGS TO KEEP US SANE Mark Fullerton full-ishly backs Avoid an existential crisis if TE HUHU, SCARED OF GIRLS. Party the Blues possible ALBERT PARK (DAY) WITH Drax Project SHADOWS BAR (NIGHT) [4] EDITORIAL

Catriona Britton Samantha Gianotti

La La Land: The University Edition

It’s a mad world we’re living in. We’re telling you, flat toilet paper or defacing our editorial images ing fees; lecturer disengagement; a University Tears for Fears were on to something. There’s no with crudely drawn dicks (but are you really still Council that seems to veto every opposing voice; point tiptoeing around the fact that something 15 years-old?), we will feel truly #blessed that at the underfunding of the Creative Arts & Hu- or someone will always attempt to shatter our least you picked us up and gave us a go. manities. What’s more, much like the Oscars’ Big idealistic hopes and dreams. While it may seem Whether you love or hate the movie, life at Picture disaster this year, when you think you’re that these somethings or someones are far away the is a bit like La La doing well with your grades, you’re more than in distant lands, it’s becoming all too clear that Land—it showcases opportunities and potential likely going to be trumped by someone that’s they are at our very door. Yes, it’s a mad world, galore, but there are flaws in its construction, better and arguably more deserving. Suddenly, and yes, there are those amongst us that struggle though this shouldn’t prevent it from making you’re a small fish in a big pond. and fear for the future. But we want to let you you feel all sorts of emotion. It’s a cliché, but But just like the two of us at the end of La La know that we are here. We are here, every week, these few years will be some of the best in your Land (or Lion, or Moonlight, or any movie with a to keep you company. life. You’re here to work your way towards some- dog, really), you will come out of your time here Craccum must be doing alright. Christ, we’ve thing greater—a career, a lifestyle, a dream. (Or unbelievably happy, though potentially a bit been spluttering our way through the shitstorm you’re here because you don’t know what the heartbroken and weepy. To complete university that is university since 1927. We started off as fuck else to do with yourself.) University has is no small feat, and you should be proud of this a newspaper written by men, an historical fact been presented to you in several ways as a trans- when you sit back down in your seat at gradua- cleverly disguised in the filth that is our scram- formative experience, and it is, but perhaps not tion, clutching a bland piece of parchment that bled acronym “CRACCUM” (pointed out aptly in the way that you’d expect. cost you an eye-watering amount of debt. As by last year’s editors as a “charming combination Our university life is nothing like that in you wipe away the tears that have collected un- of ‘crack’ and ‘cum’”). Nothing screams gender America, nor is it necessarily like the rowdy stu- der your chin, and resist the urge to fling your exclusion more than the now defunct (praise be) dent culture you expect in Otago. The dreams trencher into the air, you will realise that what Auckland University College Men’s Common you had about sustaining years of partying and lies beyond is far greater than you could have Room Committee. cheap drinks, or having a ripper of a sexy time, imagined; that for all the struggles that may Lo and behold! You now have us—an all-fe- or becoming politically engaged may never have cropped up during your time here, you have male chief-editor duo, backed by a mighty team eventuate. We don’t all have the same universi- made something for your own—an experience of women (feat. token male, Mark). We bet the ty experience. You may experience all of these that will never be replicated. Committee never foresaw the irony that is now things; you may experience none of them. What So, it’s time to give Craccum a crack. We will in place. And what better way to rub it in the you can do is keep an open mind and try new be writing, ranting, raving, investigating, cum- face of our forebears than by keeping the name things. Amongst the numerous clubs on offer, ming all year. We will be covering everything (because a little pointed passive aggression never the option to try all sorts of papers in your de- student-related, from news and politics to life- hurt anyone). gree in first year, the new people you’re going to style. We will have feature articles, arts reviews Student journalism plays an essential role in meet, and the opportunity to study abroad, you and regular columnists who’ll make you laugh university life. Not only is it the one place where have the ability to shape what you want your ex- and ponder more deeply than any Philosophy you can almost go uncensored and write as many perience at university to be like. Never will you 101 lecture will do. If you’re a budding writer fucks, wanks, cunts as you want, it is a place to have as much freedom to do whatever the fuck or artist and you want to join our ragtag, affec- engage with your peers in an open forum and you want with yourself than during your time at tionate bunch of contributors, send us your work challenge perspectives, ideas or preconceived no- university. or come visit us in our sanctuary opposite bFM. tions. All manner of topics can be tackled, equal There are some home truths you should be We are sure to be less hip, but promise to make representation across the magazine is what we aware of that could tarnish your time here. There far more cheesy pop culture references than our strive for, and most importantly, we just want to is the inevitability of being socially restricted neighbours. Most importantly, enjoy the ride, make your university experience a fucking blast! and sticking close to your high school mates; and as everyone’s favourite everywoman Emma Whether you want to continue using us as your the clear student apathy for student issues; ris- Stone sang, here’s to the fools who dream. ◆

[5] NEWS

“European Students Association” Given O-Week Stall

By Eloise Sims

A group calling themselves the “Auckland “As a Jewish student, it makes me feel very to Campus Life for the stall was “very vague in University European Students Association” unsafe. This group being allowed to publicly its language”. Matthews said that the process- has been granted an O-Week Stall outside recruit and be legitimised by Campus Life cre- es around approving unaffiliated clubs access the General Library. The group claims on ates a platform for white supremacists.” to campus are to be discussed in light of the their Facebook page that they have been “To allow this sentiment and attitude on group’s successful application for a stall. formed with the purpose of advocating campus is to allow fascism on campus.” AUESA’s Facebook page features edited pride in “European heritage and history.” Speaking with Craccum, Associate Di- photos of colonial explorer Captain Cook su- AUSA President Will Matthews met with rector of Student Engagement and Support perimposed over a flag, and pic- Clubs and Engagement staff from Campus Anne-Marie Parsons said that it is normal tures of Kaiser Wilhelm I’s coronation. Life and the University Proctor on March 1st practice for non-AUSA affiliated groups to In a statement to Craccum, the group stat- to communicate student concerns about the have stalls at the Clubs Expo. ed that they are “simply a European cultural organisation’s presence on campus. “The AUSA affiliation process does not organisation in the sense that AUPISA is a A recent statement from AUSA claims typically occur until after O-Week and new Pacific Island cultural organisation. The is- that despite student concerns about the group’s clubs often have the opportunity to have a stall sue people have with us is that it is European “racist material”, the AUESA stall would be al- at Clubs Expo if they’re organised enough to based.” lowed to remain at the Clubs Expo. This was do that.” She said that a number of groups will On Twitter, Race Relations Commissioner permitted on the basis that “while there was be at this year’s Clubs Expo who are also unaf- Dame Susan Devoy has said she will be “keep- ‘potential for offense’, the organisation had not filiated with AUSA. ing an eye” on the group. yet committed any directly offensive acts.” “This is the long-standing process the Uni- “I am a Kiwi with European heritage, I’m However, postgraduate Sociology student versity has had in place for some time.” very proud of my Irish roots—but this doesn’t Justine Rose slams Campus Life’s behaviour Matthews emphasised that the group is mean limiting the rights of anyone else.” ◆

as “reckless and irresponsible” in granting the not affiliated with AUSA in any way, shape, or IF YOU FEEL UNSAFE ON CAMPUS OR WITNESS group a stall. A THREATENING SITUATION, YOU CAN CON- form, and notes that the application submitted TACT UNISAFE AT 0800 373 7550.

Safe Zone Returns For O-Week

By Michael Calderwood

The Auckland Safe Zone is set to make a return needing transport to the emergency depart- to lower Queen Street at night from February ment. The Red Frogs assisted over 10,850 peo- 24th to March 18th, after its noteworthy imple- ple who visited the Safe Zone for support—the mentation last year attracted more than 10,000 fourth year in a row that visitors reached a re- visitors. cord high. The Safe Zone is a joint initiative estab- “Auckland is a great city to enjoy at night. lished by , ACC, St John, I hope people will choose to drink responsibly, drated, stay safe or get home, or even get med- and Red Frogs NZ, designed to provide a safe drink plenty of water, have a decent meal and ical attention, and that’s what the Safe Zone is space for people who have consumed alcohol or make good decisions when trying to get home,” for,” she says. drugs and may be in need of support. It is now says Council’s Community Development and If you are out late in town and need any in its fifth year of providing support, advice, -hy Safety Committee Chair, Councillor Cathy kind of support, the Auckland Safe Zone will dration, and medical attention to people in the Casey. be located in Lower Queen Street, and will be central city. “However, despite the best plans, some- continuing to operate from 10pm to 4am over- Last year, 71 people were assessed and treat- times people enjoying the late night scene in the night on Friday 10th and Saturday 11th March, ed by St John, cutting the number of people city may need a little help to sober up, get hy- and Friday 17th and Saturday 18th March. ◆

[6] NEWS

OGGB Parking Fees More Than Double

By Nikki Addison and Eloise Sims

In another blow for student drivers, the budget, especially when coupled with the University of Auckland has announced 2.9% increase in student fees as of last year. the removal of early bird fees for the For student drivers, Craccum has Owen G Glenn Building car park. compiled a list of cheaper parking lo- Beginning on January 6th this year, cations available. All are further placed prices have skyrocketed from the usual away than the OGGB, but will save the $12 daily early bird rate, to a record $25 average student driver at least $12 a day. fee per day—in a 108% increase. This These locations are: means students who drive daily to uni- • Carlaw Park: $12 a day for entry versity are now looking at paying around before 10am. $125 a week for parking alone. • K Road Car Park: $11 a day for entry The University has defended the before 10am. changes, reportedly claiming that the • Parnell Rise Car Park: $11 a day. increase in rates was necessary due to in- • Shipwright Lane Car Park: $12 a day. creased car park demand. Casual fees for • Kitchener Street Car Park: $14 hourly parking have also remained at $5 a day for entry before 10am with an hour. ticket activation from AUSA House However, the increase in price pushes (normally $17). ◆ the expense far out of a typical student

English Down, Winston Up: We Officially Live In 2003

By Jack Gradwell The first Colmar Brunton poll of the 2017 from taking the lead. vote” factor that gave us Brexit and Trump). election year has the National Party down four However, before prematurely cele- If the Greens are polling at 11%, then points to 46% with leading the brating the end of nine years of National their true support likely remains stagnant at preferred Prime Minister stakes at 31%. Con- Government, one needs to consider the 8–9%, while if is at 11%, versely, the progressive Labour-Greens coa- elephant in the room. At present, New then they’re probably closer to highs of lition is now up to 41% with Andrew Little’s Zealand First stands at 11% support, and if 13–14%. Previous trends considered, come personal popularity still fairly stagnant at 8%. previous trends are considered, could be on election night, don't be surprised if Peters This poll obviously places pressure on their way to a lot more. garners a whole 18-19% of the vote. Prime Minister Bill English, who is unsur- During the previous three elections, the This poll indicates one thing. Neither a prisingly less popular than his predecessor Greens’ vote share has consistently remained progressive Labour-Greens coalition nor a . If the election were held tomor- 2–3% lower than the polls indicated. Con- fourth-term National government will have row, he would not have enough votes to versely, ’ party have tended the support to form a government without form a government without finding new to first gain significant support in the few the support of New Zealand First. How ex- partners. Likewise, these numbers give hope months leading up to the vote (a result of actly Andrew Little, , James to the Labour-Green coalition, which ap- Peters’ campaigning ability), and then gain Shaw and Bill English intend to gain that pears undamaged by the Willie Jackson fi- 2–3% more of the vote than the polls would remains to be seen. asco and is now a three percent swing away suggest (possibly a result of the same “shy Prime Minister Winston Peters anyone? ◆

[7] NEWS

Activism Abroad It’s been two beautiful months now since the USA voluntarily plunged itself into the steam train of flaming shite we call the Trump Presidency. And oh, what a time it’s been.

Craccum caught up with Auckland Uni ex- with other international students. It was windows—and then moved off campus change student, Lauren Millington, who par- phenomenal. I've never been part of a crowd smashing more windows along side streets. ticipated in the Women’s March in San Fran- of thousands of people who all believe in My roommate was there when the masked cisco, and witnessed violent demonstrations the same ideas as I do. group of anarchists came, which she found against the right-wing speaker, Milo Yianno- In the scheme of things, everyone was really scary. But then people held a dance polous, in her exchange university, University actually surprised by how many people ac- party in the place and cleaned it all up! of California, Berkeley (UCB). tually participated in all the marches all over the world. I think that showed how strongly WHAT IS THE GENERAL MOOD ON CAMPUS TOWARDS THE PROTESTORS? ARE THEY SEEN WHAT ARE YOU STUDYING AT AUCKLAND UNI, people want to change attitudes towards AS ANARCHIST TROUBLEMAKERS, OR MORE AND WHY DID YOU CHOOSE UCB? women, immigrants, minority ethnic and HEROIC FIGURES? I'm in my third year of a BA/LLB majoring religious groups, LGBTQ+, and so on. I want to make a distinction between stu- in education and anthropology. dents who were the peaceful protesters and I picked UCB because I saw that it has a SO UC BERKELEY MADE HEADLINES FOR STU- the anarchists. The peaceful protesters are DENTS PROTESTING AGAINST THE FAR-RIGHT great anthropology department, and I was SPEAKER, MILO YIANNOPOLOUS, COMING kind of taken for granted here—at Berke- planning on only doing anthropology pa- TO DELIVER A TALK. DID YOU WITNESS THESE ley, everyone protests something, and there PROTESTS? pers on exchange. I didn't know much about is always a protest going on. Berkeley before I came here—but turns out I walked past that protest in its early hours but The anarchists however, are seen more it's a pretty interesting place! I didn't stay because I was sick. We were warned as troublemakers for breaking the buildings via email from the chancellor of the university and tainting UC Berkeley's name. They WHAT WAS IT LIKE BEING IN THE US—AND to stay away because of possible danger! weren’t students here—they just came and PARTICULARLY IN UCB—WHEN DONALD TRUMP WAS INAUGURATED? AND HOW IS IT NOW? When I was there the protesters were crashed our protest. just chanting, handing out flyers and hold- There was a huge protest at UCB (among ing signs. It was a pretty big crowd. Some- HOW DOES LIVING IN THE US RIGHT NOW other places). There’s a place called Sproul one had a giant white bird made out of cloth COMPARE TO NEW ZEALAND? Plaza on campus where heaps of people and sticks—I didn't really know what that You can see a lot more homeless people on gathered—even in the rain—to protest represented. From other peoples’ Snapchats, the streets and when you take something to and show solidarity. There were a lot of and watching the live feed on Facebook, we the counter to buy, suddenly tax is added speeches, and then a huge march to Oak- saw that once it got dark, it became violent. and it costs way more. But otherwise Cali- land. A huge fire got lit. fornia is pretty similar to New Zealand— The next day the Women's Marches were Then apparently these anarchists start- everyone has been really friendly, and I feel on and I went to the one in San Francisco ed smashing the campus Amazon store’s at home! ◆

[8] [9] NEWS

Corrections Charges Close To $10,000 for Official Information Act Request

By Laura Kvigstad

The Department of Corrections is charging reports prevent him from self-harming. This occurred $9,956 for an Official Information Request • The findings of the "prisoner question- for 10 weeks on end. that was placed by a member of No Pride in naire" for each of those reports reported Cor- Prisons. Corrections has asserted that the request cov- rections’ reluctance to release the reports, as No Pride in Prisons’ purpose is to advocate ers 44 different reports. They claim each re- such a release would impact the prisoners’ for incarcerated people and the end of prisons port would take a total of 3 hours to find and “safety and security”. within New Zealand. retrieve the specified information—and cost Emilie Rakete, the spokesperson for No On December 10th 2016, No Pride in $38 per half hour of work. Pride in Prisons, claims instead that the charge Prisons member Ti Lamusse requested “all re- Deputy Chief Executive of Corporate for the reports shows that “Corrections is try- ports produced by the Ombudsman into New Services for Corrections, Vincent Arbuckle ing to intimidate those who seek openness, Zealand prisons” within the last 10 years. In says the information “cannot be made available transparency and justice”. regards to detention centers, the Ombudsman without substantial collation or research”— The matter was unresolved as of time of typically performs routine investigations annu- hence the $9,956 charge. print. ◆ ally under the Crimes of Torture Act. The New Zealand Herald retrieved four When asked to refine the request by Cor- reports of a similar nature in December of rections, Lamusse asked for: 2016. These were performed in Arohata Pris- • The name of prison, the date(s) the inves- on, Manawatu Prison, Invercargill Prison tigation(s) were conducted, and the date and Otago Corrections Facility. of publication of the report for each of the One documented act occurred "more than 50 reports" conducted by the within Otago Corrections Ombudsman under its COTA authority. Facility, in which a man was • The executive summary of each of those handcuffed for 21 hours a day to

54% Of Kiwis Are Pro-Choice

By Eloise Sims A recent survey has claimed that the major- doctors, who agree on the mental and physical among those who need it.” ity of New Zealanders think that abortion unsuitability to carry the pregnancy to term. ProLife Auckland, however, have hit back should be legal if a woman does not want to Campus Feminist Collective and Thurs- against the idea that the survey is conclusive as be a mother, or cannot afford a child. days in Black Representative, Zoé Sigley, says to New Zealand public opinion. The survey, commissioned by the Abor- the survey shows how obsolete New Zealand “It is somewhat premature to draw con- tion Law Reform Association, found that law currently is on the issue of abortion. clusions about the degree of public support for 77% of Kiwis surveyed backed the current law, “Abortion law is still covered under the abortion based on a survey of only 1000 peo- which states that abortion should be legal if Crimes Act which is outlined using outdated ple,” Owen Posthuma, President of ProLife the woman is likely to die. However, 51% of ideas and language—like calling mentally Auckland, commented, noting that the survey Kiwis said an abortion should also be legal if and physically ill and disabled people ‘subnor- “was also about whether abortion should be a woman does not want to be a mother, and ma l'.” legal or illegal—not about the degree of pub- 54% said it should be legal if a woman cannot “I think it’s fantastic public opinion has lic support for a law change.” afford to have the child. swayed, and the timing—although it should The survey was carried out by Curia Mar- Current law states that a woman seeking have been done years ago—is crucial to grant- ket Research Limited, and had a margin of an abortion requires permission from two ing this human right and medical treatment error of plus or minus 3.1%. ◆

[10] [11] COMMUNITY

In Conversation With: Andrew Little It's election year, so Craccum will be looking to wrangle interviews with as many politicians as we can. Meg Williams had a chat with Labour Party leader, Andrew Little, about Willie Jackson, immigration, and Te Tiriti.

THERE'S BEEN A LOT OF DISSENT ABOUT WILLIE ANTI-IMMIGRATION RHETORIC IS BECOMING living in our biggest city. We should never be JACKSON, NOT JUST ABOUT HIM STANDING AS A INCREASINGLY PROMINENT ALL AROUND THE CANDIDATE BUT ALSO BEING CATAPULTED UP TO A WORLD, ESPECIALLY SINCE THE ELECTION OF afraid; we should stand up to those who want HIGH LIST POSITION, BOTH FROM THE PUBLIC AND TRUMP. LABOUR’S ALREADY CONDEMNED TRUMP’S to make racist, prejudiced rhetoric for whatever WITHIN THE PARTY ITSELF. ARE YOU UNDERSTAND- MUSLIM-BAN. WHAT ELSE DO YOU PLAN ON DOING ING OF THEIR CONCERNS? YOUNG PEOPLE WILL, IN GOVERNMENT IN ORDER TO COUNTER ANTI-IM- reason, and we should call that out. But we can’t MOST OF ALL, REMEMBER HIS COMMENTS DURING MIGRATION RHETORIC? THE ROAST BUSTERS SCANDAL. avoid the debate about what we need to do and We’re committed to doubling the refugee quota. the reason why we need to do it. Firstly, no I'm not at all concerned about the On a per capita basis, we are behind Australia in dissent. There is nothing invalid at all about the terms of refugees we take. We can do more, but WHAT DO YOU PLAN ON DOING TO HONOUR TE TIRITI Ō WAITANGI IF YOU’RE ELECTED INTO GOV- concerns that have been raised. Those things after consulting with the agencies who are in- ERNMENT? were a concern for me for whether I would back volved in refugee resettlement, 1500 is [all] we’re him for a place on the list, so I welcome that. going to manage given the reputation we have for I have a personal view about having Te Reo be Secondly, having dealt with the guy for a few the quality of refugee resettlement. compulsory at levels of our compulsory educa- weeks now, and I know what he did was wrong In terms of immigration more broadly, the tion system. But the big thing we have to do is and unacceptable and inappropriate... He apol- problem we have is that we have a lot more peo- build capacity. We need more Te Reo teachers to ogised at the time for it, [but] is there anything ple from overseas settling here in New Zealand, get into schools, and more schools offering it. I that he's done to indicate that he gets it? He's especially in Auckland. It is creating problems think the big challenge—and that’s going to be involved with the Urban Māori Au- for Auckland’s infrastructure and public services unchartered territory—is the post-Treaty settle- thority. One of the things they do is run anti-do- to cope. We think there is a time for managing ment period. I think that’s going to cast the gov- mestic violence programmes targeted largely at that more carefully, if only to give ourselves time ernment in a different role. Obviously we’ve had men, changing their attitudes and behaviours. to catch up. Auckland is 40,000-50,000 houses the long, slow, difficult, but very vital process He has become a champion of that and has behind what it needs to accommodate the pop- of coming to terms with our history, achieving worked with advocates like Kim McGregor. So I ulation that’s here at the moment. We have to reconciliation and whatever partial compensa- think that it's not only [about] words; his actions work on better public transport and reducing tion has been achieved. The next step for gov- [demonstrate] that he knows he was wrong. [He congestion on our roads. [This is] managing ernment is to stand alongside iwi as they make also] support[s] young Māori in South and West immigration in a way that encourages more im- progress, complement[ing], sustain[ing] and Auckland and focuses on jobs for them, on good migrants and refugees to settle in parts of New support[ing] what they do, so they can begin to quality housing for people in his community. I Zealand other than Auckland. We’re a country make the best of what recovery they’ve had—of think the work he's done reflects Labour values. that’s been built on immigration; we’ve always their land and treasures they’ve lost. Thirdly, is he going to have a high place on needed to get skills in from overseas. At the same the list? Well, that's not for me to say. All I have time, we need to make sure that those who are WHAT DO YOU THINK IS THE BIGGEST ISSUE WE’RE said is I'm going to back him for a winnable place born here and have grown up here also get op- FACING RIGHT NOW? on the list because I think he has something to portunities for training and education so that We have to lift incomes. It’s no longer just the offer and I think he will reach a part of the elec- they get the skills [and] opportunities in New bottom 10 per cent, or even the bottom 20 per torate that we don't presently reach. And with Zealand as well. cent now; they’re calling it the bottom 50 per all due respect to some of the people who are cent. That’s not going to change overnight. It’s raising issues about him—not for one moment POLITICIANS OFTEN TALK ABOUT MIGRANTS IN going to take a lot of work. But we have to have TERMS OF STRAIN ON INFRASTRUCTURE. DON’T invalidating the concerns about his conduct over YOU THINK THAT IT’S THE BACKDROP OF THIS an economy where more people are getting re- Roast Busters—I'm not sure how much under- INCREASING, SCARILY RACIST ANTI-IMMIGRATION warded fairly for the work they do. Large chunks TALK THAT MIGHT NOT BE HELPFUL IN COUNTER- standing people have about the life of a lot of dis- ING RACISM AND ANTI-IMMIGRATION? SHOULDN’T of our economy are low-wage. We’re a wealthy WE JUST START TALKING ABOUT THE ACTUAL advantaged young Māori in West Auckland and PROBLEMS WE NEED TO PUT MONEY INTO? LIKE country—we can do better. If I have that priv- South Auckland, because it's a different existence MORE INFRASTRUCTURE, HOUSING, A BETTER TAX ilege of forming government, I would like my SYSTEM? than [that of ] a lot of young people from reason- achievements to be measured on [whether I ably comfortable backgrounds. So I stand by my Yeah, I don’t disagree with you. We have to talk have] lifted incomes materially for the bottom judgement, but I welcome the criticism. about what is needed to improve the quality of 50 per cent. That’s the measure I set for myself. ◆

[12] COMMUNITY The Truth On Racism In Aotearoa Upcoming Racism matters. Here in New Zealand, we like to pride cepted diversity. Community ourselves on having the best race relations in the world, The heart of this issue is the fact that New Zealand is and supposedly the “good” kind of colonial oppression (as racist. Moana Jackson, a prominent constitutional lawyer, Events if there were ever actually such a thing). We even have a spoke at the recent Tino Rangatiratanga Today Public founding document, supported by a lack of Māori histo- Wānanga at the Auckland City Library (hosted by Racial March 10th is Interna- ry and civic education taught in schools, which we parade Equity Aotearoa). During the wānanga, Jackson highlight- tional Women’s Day! around every February to get a day off work. Obviously ed that “racism is an ideology that underpins colonisation”. Shakti Youth NZ are New Zealand takes racism very seriously—or do we? Essentially, how can a colonial state not be racist towards putting on an event to Despite the overarching discourse of valuing diversity the indigenous population and migrants of colour, when it celebrate. and equality of access throughout our society, there still is an institution founded on racism? remains a politically correct silence over systemic discrimi- Racism matters, but more importantly, the way we When: March 10th, 9:30am – 1pm nation and inequality. release its tight grasp is vital to the well-being of all New Where: Mount Albert War If there is one word that epitomises this liberal conun- Zealanders. Memorial Hall drum, it is the discourse of “multiculturalism”. Recognise Price: Free! (Register at Multiculturalism in New Zealand is neither garnering Decolonise eventbrite.co.nz) authentic respect for diverse groups, nor is it challenging Indigenise Age restrictions: All ages systemic inequalities and discrimination. Multiculturalism IF YOU'RE KEEN TO LEARN MORE ABOUT RACIAL EQUITY Event info: “We invite you to has become an empty jargon word that people are coaxed AOTEAROA, HEAD TO THE FOLLOWING LINKS: join us in solidarity over a catered FB: HTTPS://WWW.FACEBOOK.COM/RACIALEQUI- into worshipping. Drenched in the language of tolerance, TYAOTEAROA/ brunch. The Shakti Youth Unit at times pro-diversity arguments are really about the dom- TWITTER: @RACIALEQUITYAO will be launching the “Break Free” inant class managing the undesirable side effects of unac- [email protected] handbook for migrant and ref- ugee youth experiencing family violence, a first of its kind in New Zealand. This event will also fea- ture two panel discussions, one Auckland Pride Parade 2017 with researchers, followed by a Glitter, rainbows and balloons galore! February 25th was Auckland’s Annual Pride Parade. The University of Auckland cross-Party panel on the theme of had their own float! Here’s a little bit of the action: ‘No Equality Without Diversity’.”

Find out more at: HTTPS://WWW.FACEBOOK.COM/ EVENTS/381126258916061/

The Auckland Wom- en’s Centre is holding a Feminist Quiz Fund- raiser night.

When: 11th March, 6pm – 10pm Where: Grey Lynn Community Centre Price: $35 (Tickets can be pur- chased at eventbrite.co.nz) Age restrictions: R18 Event info: “Fabulous prizes and raffles galore. Cash bar and fantas- tic food including gorgeous vegan treats from Tart Bakery. Proceeds CHARITY/ORGANISATION OF THE WEEK raised will go to fund the wonder- ful work of the Auckland Women's Centre to ensure its continued Shakti New Zealand support for the empowerment of Shakti was founded by Farida Sultana, a domestic violence New Zealand, with changes being made to strengthen women.” survivor and women’s rights advocate. Shakti advocates on New Zealand’s Domestic Violence Act 1995. behalf of New Zealand’s migrant and refugee communities You can donate to Shakti through their website: Find out more at: by promoting gender equality and overall well-being. http://shakti-international.org/about-us-nz/. If you HTTPS://WWW.FACEBOOK.COM/ EVENTS/380142875664706/ Last year Shakti successfully completed their cam- or someone you know needs help, you can call on their paign to criminalise forced and underage marriages in helpline at: 0800 SHAKTI (0800 742 584). ◆

[13] LIFESTYLE What’s On How To Make The Perfect Poached Eggs Party in the Park with Marshmello A student’s relationship with food is problematic. You could be dumpster diving one day, weep- International DJ Marshmello is ing over Munchy Mart prices the next, or hobbling around the Quad like Oliver Twist—grimy headlining Party in the Park this hands outstretched in the faces of those fortunate souls tearing off pieces of garlic naan. We Wednesday 8th March. UoA’s ori- here at Craccum understand your (stomach) pain. So, to help you get those gains and protein, entation gigs are usually pretty whilst having a scrumptious breakfast to set you right for the day, here is our sure-fired recipe to sweet, so get yourself a ticket from make the perfect poached eggs. NB: this recipe is for one egg only. the AUSA house ASAP. Ingredients: Eggs, salt, water, and your choice of toast, quickly and DELICATELY slide the egg into the water. crumpet, breakfast muffin, or a bed of leaves. The egg should cook for three minutes ONLY! If you Auckland cook for longer than this, you will fuck the egg up. The yolk Safe Zone Get out your motherfuckin’ eggs, son. Crack one of those will not be runny. On Friday 10th, Saturday 11th, Fri- puppies into a separate small bowl. As the egg is cooking, pop your bread into the toaster or day 17th and Saturday 18th March, Shuffle pots around loudly in your crockery drawer -un assemble your bed of leaves. Red Frogs NZ and St John will til you find a medium-sized pot. Fill that bad boy up with Once the egg is ready, get the slotted spoon (that’s the be on lower Queen Street from cold water to about halfway. spoon with holes in it, you fools), and take the egg out, 10pm–4am, offering help to peo- Turn that stove on and boil the water. making sure the water drains away! ple who may have consumed drugs CRUCIAL MOMENT: turn the heat down!! There Plop the egg on your toast or bed of leaves. or alcohol and providing hydra- should be NO, I repeat, NO bubbles left in that pot. You just made yourself the best goddamn poached egg tion, support and advice. Stop Get a spoon. Create a mini whirlpool in the water. Then of your life! ◆ in and say hey if you’re out and about! Guide To… Top 5… Coffee Frankie Cosmos at REC Surviving Uni Places Near UoA American musician Frankie Cos- Welcome/welcome back, AUers! Semester mos is bringing her sweet indie eighthirty | 35 High St vibes to Auckland this Saturday One is officially upon us. Whether it’s A mere 10-minute stroll through Albert Park will lead night. Tickets available online at your first year or your last, we have some you to eighthirty’s magical, minimalist café. Their deli- Under The Radar. tips to help you survive dat #unilife. cious organic coffee is made from sustainably-sourced beans and is available in batch brew and espresso form. Liquid Energy: Coffee is the student’s ever-faithful, Auckland Fringe much-depended-upon best friend. It’s there to get you Federal Delicatessen | 86 Federal St Festival through those late-night deadlines and weekday hang- If you like it strong, go to The Fed. Offering bottomless The Auckland Fringe Festival is overs. Embrace the caffeine. filter coffee in your choice of Havana or Supreme (Su- on till March 12th with over 100 preme is where it’s at), The Fed’ll make sure you artsy events all throughout the Take a Break: Sometimes to be pro- don’t sleep through any lectures. city, many of them free! Check the ductive we need downtime. Give Auckland Fringe website for a full yourself semi-regular study breaks Miller’s | 31 Cross St list of events. and do something away from your Miller’s Coffee have been roasting since One such event is The Float- computer so you can come back feel- 1988 and naturally, the skill shows. This one ing Theatre, where the actors per- ing fresh. Hit a class at the gym, go for might be a little more of a mission to get to, form from a 30-foot floating cube a walk or eat your lunch in Albert Park. but it’s definitely worth it. on the water, creating a magic lan- tern silhouette show with music. Strength in Numbers: Studying with Scarecrow | 33 Victoria St You can buy tickets to be on board friends can go either way, but when it Scarecrow is a florist, grocer and café which for this quirky experience, or just works, it works. There’s nothing like that happens to make extra-fine Kokako coffee. watch from Wynyard Quarter for feeling of group achievement when you’re Kokako is Fairtrade, organic and New Zea- free. There are two shows a day at all there getting shit done together. land-made—plus a straight 10/10 for flavour. 8pm and 9.30pm from 8th–11th March.◆ Sleep: Yay, sleep! Unless you’re some kind of superhu- Craven ‘A’ | 4 Saint Paul St man machine, sleeping adequately is the best way to Just off Symonds St, Craven ‘A’ is super close to uni and survive uni. 7–8 hours a night, friends (with the odd perfect for a last-minute pick-me-up. They serve All exception of steins, parties and other alcohol-infused Press coffee and make a mean cappuccino. ◆ events). ◆ IMAGE: INSTAGRAM - @JULIAAAZHU

[14] [15] LIFESTYLE

Thy eternal summer shall not fade One of Auckland Summer Shakespeare’s picks for their outdoor theatre this year is As You Like It, directed by award-winning Benjamin Henson. This adaptation of As You Like It has been described as “bringing Glastonbury to Auckland”; a colourful mix of love, wit, sunshine and live music.

As You Like It is being performed for the next WHAT DO YOU LIKE BEST ABOUT YOUR VERSION OF liked the sound of his own writing a little too AS YOU LIKE IT? week on the lawn under the Clocktower, an easy much. He was fine. I always say that Shakespeare walk and a beautiful way to end an evening. So if This is anything but a generic production of a is only a guideline. And sometimes I mean it. you’ve got late classes and are planning on slogging Shakespeare show. This is Shakespeare that is I think anyone who has their work still per- through till 6pm anyway, we would definitely rec- trying to address, and represent, a modern au- formed hundreds of years later is probably worth ommend working this into your O-Week plans. dience. I think there's something very special at least paying attention to. Everyone says he’s Grace Hood-Edwards had the chance to inter- and personal about that. We all know what to timeless, but it really is the case—you can per- view two of the cast members, Lucas Haugh (as Sil- expect when we say “traditional Shakespeare”, form his works today, in just about any context vius) and Murdoch Keane (as Audrey/Touchstone). but I can promise you that coming to Summer under the sun, and it still rings true. Shakespeare's As You Like It will mean you'll see CAN YOU DESCRIBE YOUR PRODUCTION IN ONE and enjoy something new! And maybe even see WHAT DO YOU THINK SHAKESPEARE WOULD BE SENTENCE? Shakespeare in a completely new light. DOING IN TODAY’S TIMES? A celebration of joy, freedom and LOVE. I like how unashamedly fun it is. It’s a strong Applying for the sixth time, unsuccessfully, for Outdoor Shakespeare Rave. comedy, but it’s also a play about love of all kinds, Creative NZ funding. so it’s really a joy to be a part of—and hopefully Churning out Netflix shows like nobody’s busi- WHO DO YOU PLAY? WHAT DO YOU LIKE/DISLIKE to watch also. ness. ABOUT YOUR CHARACTER?

I've been lucky enough to have been given the ANYTHING SPECIAL YOU CAN TELL US ABOUT? FAVOURITE SHAKESPEARE CHARACTER, AND PLAY? task of playing two very different characters! Touchstone—a fool from the court; and Au- In order to decide which role I will play, I and Favourite character? Iago. But favourite play— drey—a simple country girl with a knack for Bronwyn Ensor flip a coin at the start of the Macbeth. "earthy shenanigans", but a heart of gold. show. So I never really know which part I'm MK: I love Beatrice from Much Ado About Noth- I play Silvius—I like how confident and un- going to be doing. Which is terrifying, but also ing. But my fave play has got to be Hamlet. ashamed he is in love, but I dislike how little he amazing. stands up for himself. I wouldn’t want to give anything away. FAVOURITE AS YOU LIKE IT QUOTE?

TALK ABOUT AS YOU LIKE IT. WHY IS IT IMPORTANT, WHAT’S IT LIKE PERFORMING OUTDOORS, IN AN “My affection hath an unknown bottom, like the WHAT DO YOU LIKE ABOUT IT? AUCKLAND SUMMER? Bay of Portugal.” —Rosalind To me, As You Like It is important because Shake- Itchy! Lots of mosquitos. And sometimes a little “It is to be all made of fantasy, all made of pas- speare wrote his plays for the society he was in. It wet, but all of this contributes to the “music fes- sion, and all made of wishes, all adoration, duty is a reminder of the power of love and defiance, tival” atmosphere of the show. and observance, all humbleness, all patience and against oppressive and restrictive regimes, that I When the weather is good it’s a lot of fun, but I impatience, all purity, all trial, all obedience, and think rings especially true today. get soaked if the stage is wet. It’s a great challenge so am I for Phoebe” —Silvius I think it’s important to see shows that make you to make the text work in a space like that, and happy and make you appreciate the awesome to maintain the connection with the audience AND FINALLY, WHY SHOULD PEOPLE COME SEE AS YOU LIKE IT things in life. Drama and seriousness are great, while performing in an arena setup. SUMMER SHAKESPEARE’S ? but sometimes you want to just sit back and be Because women are in it! Lots of ‘em!!! And entertained. And even though it’s a comedy, all HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT SHAKESPEARE, AND women on stage are the best. the characters are still so rich and interesting to WHY? Because it’s a fucking great show. ◆ become invested in. Sometimes I love him. Sometimes I think he

As You Like It runs from the 14th–11th March 2017. Student tickets are $20, with ID.

[16] Unichem Campus Pharmacy

AlbertAlbert UniversityUniversity ParkPark BookshopBookshop TheThe UniversityUniversity SlurpSlurp ofof AucklandAuckland CafeCafe ShadowsShadows PrincesPrinces Street Street

SymondsSymonds Street Street ScienceScience RecreationRecreation CentreCentre CentreCentre GraftonGrafton Road Road

FacultyFaculty ofof EngineeringEngineering Located at Level 1 Student Commons, 9 Symonds Street, Kate Edger Building (beside UBS bookshop & ANZ Bank).

Services: • Prescriptions • Passport/ID Photo • Professional Pharmacist Advice • Postal Services • Morning After pill (ECP) • Cosmetics & Skincare • Flu Jabs / Other Vaccinations • Haircare • Ear Piercing • Vitamins & Superfoods • Weight Management • Umbrellas, Stockings, Jandels • Quit Smoking Support • Student VIP Discount Club

GIFT Shop. Swipe. Reward. $ VOUCHER Redeemable only at Unichem Campus Pharmacy on purchases $30 and over. Not valid in conjunction with any other promotional offer. Not valid on Gift Vouchers, Phone Cards, Prescriptions, Photo Processing, Postal Services, Vaccines, and Ear Piercing. Voucher may not be exchanged for cash and no change will be given. One voucher per transaction. 5 Valid 01/02/17 to 20/11/17.

Opening hours: Mon – Thurs: 8am - 6 pm Fri: 8am - 5.30 pm (Holidays: Mon – Thur: 8am-5.30pm Fri: 8am-5pm) Phone/ Fax: 377-1991 FEATURE

[18] Interview by Art by Eloise Sims Josh Hart Poking holes in the news

Eloise Sims has a chat with Robbie Nicol of the webseries White Man Behind a Desk

SO WE DID A BIT OF RESEARCH, AND WE NOTICED is because we don’t know what we’re doing and saying something no one else is saying. That’s THAT CALLED YOU THE KIWI JOHN OLIVER— DID YOU FEEL A BIT STOKED ABOUT THAT? that’s kind of a gift. That’s why you start making when I get excited. One of our least-viewed vid- I felt a bit stoked! It’s funny cause we get com- stuff on YouTube—because you don’t know what eos was one I was very chuffed with and I think it pared to John Oliver the most. I think that’s you’re doing and there’s no pressure to do any- was a bit controversial, and therefore less share- probably because John Oliver’s hitting the zeit- thing in particular. You can just go “We’re gonna able. We did one on calling journal- geist at the moment; he features New Zealand try this for a bit and see how that works out.” ists out for mocking him for things that weren’t quite a bit. So I feel like people have John Oliver I work with Elsie Bollinger and Sally relevant to public concern or public interest. fresh in the front of their minds. That’s proba- Bollinger, who are two awesome sisters that help Some branches of certain organisations were bly why that comparison [is] made a lot. And, I me make… this thing! Their background and creating situations that other branches of the mean, we both kind of have nerdy voices. work is in film. So when you have that expertise same organisations would then report on, and and creativity on your team, you kind of think it became this cycle. Taking photos of him lying EVEN THOUGH 2016 WAS A HORRIFIC YEAR “it’s a waste to only do one shot behind a desk”. in the grass, then writing satirical articles on him AROUND THE WORLD FOR SO MANY PEOPLE, WMBAD DEFINITELY WENT FROM STRENGTH TO There’s an opportunity to do a full-comedy lying on the grass—and it’s all coming from the STRENGTH. YOU GUYS BROUGHT IN FANCY ANIMA- sketch and shoot from different angles and cut it same organisation. TION, AND HAD GUEST APPEARANCES FROM PEO- PLE LIKE JOHN CAMPBELL AND ROBYN MALCOLM. together and do something ridiculous, silly, fun, You think, “This is bullying, isn’t it? What’s HOW’D YOU MANAGE THAT? and interesting. That’s the medium we’re work- happening here is just straight high-school bully- She is so great! Just the coolest person in the ing in. You want to push the medium as well as ing.” I didn’t feel like a lot of people were saying world! What we’ve found is the coolest people the content. that. We said, “We think Colin Craig should be are the easiest to get to be on your show. There’s We set that as a goal and started doing it and mocked, but mocked for his policies…” Let’s just something about people who are at the absolute it’s been really fun. We got to hang out with some pass out bullying from important criticism. top of their game. They’re organised, they turn kittens AND Robyn Malcolm. IN A WORLD WHERE TRUMP IS A REAL AND TERRI- up on time—they have their shit together! I FYING THING— mean, John Campbell sent us in multiple takes! YOU HAVE KITTENS AND ROBYN MALCOLM? WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE? Yes. I have heard. It’s been very hard to miss. Like, we asked him to do it again on a separate You’re living the dream at that point. day, and he was like “yeah, sure, no worries.” I I MEAN, EVERY SINGLE DAY IS BRINGING WORSE AND WORSE NEWS ABOUT HIS PRESIDENCY. DO was like, “he must be so busy…” PRETTY MUCH. SO, IN TERMS OF THE SHOW, YOU THINK SATIRE IS BECOMING EVEN MORE WHAT’S BEEN YOUR FAVORITE EPISODE? WHAT’S IMPORTANT TO SOCIETY IN THESE MOMENTS, OR THE NUMBER ONE TOPIC YOU’VE COVERED SO FAR WHAT A DUDE. IT’S JUST CONTRIBUTING TO POPULAR DISILLUSION- THAT’S MADE YOU SIT BACK AND GO, “SHIT, WE MENT AND DISENFRANCHISEMENT WITH POLITICS? Just what a guy! We remember when he followed DID A REALLY GOOD JOB ON THAT”? us on Twitter. So we tweeted “Okay, we can re- There are different indicators of success, and defi- This is something I’ve been thinking about re- tire now. We’re done.” And then John replied nitely, a big indicator is view count. We did an ep- cently. I really don’t like cynicism, and I think and said, “Aw no, don’t retire”. We were SO over- isode on trade, a sort of two-part thing—one on a lot of satirists are angry because they’re hope- whelmed! I was cooking dinner at the time and why open trade is good, or at least the argument ful, optimistic people. They’re saps. They think messaged Sally and Elsie Bollinger and the rest of for that, and then one talking about why institu- everyone can be holding hands and smiling. the team—just freaking out. tions in America often tend to tack things onto Then they get angry because the systems aren’t trade, so you end up with dodgy things that aren’t allowing people to do that. What’s so frustrating YOU REMEMBER EXACTLY WHERE YOU WERE AT about that is that it doesn’t have to be like that, THE HISTORIC MOMENT JOHN CAMPBELL REPLIED super related to lowering tariffs in legislation. TO YOU. That was by far and away our most viewed which is why satirists seem so angry. A consequence of that a lot of the time is that I remember exactly where I was! I was like, “I video on Facebook. For a video that was sort of people become bitter about politicians in a way don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to re- an “Economics 101” class to reach over 300,000 that is unhelpful to democracy. I mean, if you spond to this. We need to be funny…” people was sort of a big deal for us. meet politicians, most are crazy, hard-working

“WE NEED TO DRAFT IT THREE TIMES…” IT SAYS A LOT ABOUT HOW MANY PEOPLE NEED nice people who think they’ve got the right idea THAT ECONOMICS 101 CLASS. for the country. It’s the absolute minority who “We’ve only got 140 characters and that’s just So much of the news starts on the basis of as- are weird, power-hungry, corrupt people. not enough for John Campbell!” sumed knowledge, and that assumed knowledge We did a video about the Global Goals, and WHAT DO YOU ATTRIBUTE THAT SUCCESS WITH isn’t necessarily there. So that was one we felt re- talked about how, globally, on almost every indi- YOUR NEW STUFF TO? ally good about. cator, things have gotten better. Crime is down, A big part of the reason we’re doing new stuff I think I get happiest when I feel like we’re poverty is down, education and democracy is up.

“Sincerity is coming back into fashion. Everyone’s getting a bit tired of sarcastic, ironic, smug people.”

[19] FEATURE

At the end, we said, “Thanks. Thanks to every- SO ARE YOU IN FACT LIVING PROOF THAT STUDY- Don’t worry. I think we’re all desperate for more one who works in administration and bureaucra- ING AT AUCKLAND CAN ACTUALLY GET YOU A JOB? white men ranting at us. So I can promise that. cy around the world, and who works for the UN, No. No I am not. and for charities, and NGOs. Thank you for the WE’VE HAD NOWHERE NEAR ENOUGH WITH BILL ENGLISH. fact that things are better now.” THIS IS GOING TO GIVE EVERYONE AT AUCKLAND UNI SO MUCH HOPE. No, no. Well, we’re going to do a documentary/ And there were all these comments saying I mean, I read more books… and that means I have mockumentary series, which we’re writing at the stuff like, “Why would you say thank you to more interesting things to say. But you can read moment. That’ll be dealing with proper experts POLITICIANS?” Well, most of them are doing books and not go to University quite easily. They and being an idiot in front of them. Lots of fun. a really tough job! give library cards away almost for free! I took We are doing a sort of big spectacle about a third And it’s always considered cool to criticise, Mathematics and Philosophy, and ended up doing of the way through the year, which will try a lot but we think it’s always cool to be subversive and Politics and International Relations and Philoso- of our skills—not just saying jokes, but also other go against the norm of what people are saying. phy. I don’t understand why universities teach in a forms of entertainment, hopefully. That’s going to When everyone is saying, “Politicians are dicks”, way that we’ve learnt—over the last 100 years—is be a big event. I am personally terrified about it. we think it’s kind of badass and cool to be like, “A not a good way to teach. Educational theory has lot of them are nice people”. moved on from a person standing at the front of a BUT ALSO, OF COURSE, YOU HAVE TO COVER THE That angers people. They say, “How dare ELECTION! class yelling at people, with everyone taking notes. you say a lot of them are nice people?” and we We know that doesn’t work as a form of educa- That’s very exciting! It’s a big year for us. We ha- say, “Screw you—they are nice people.” There’s tion. We’ve shown that pretty unequivocally, yet ven’t entirely figured out what we’re going to be something fun about that. it’s still how universities work. doing in the build-up to the election yet. There Elsie and Sally’s dad is a music journalist, and I would say without a doubt the worst educa- are a whole bunch of laws about what we can and so, we sometimes think we want to do things tion I’ve ever received in my life was when I was cannot say. We can’t count as electioneering for that are punk. That means doing things people paying for my education at university. At high any particular party, so we have to be careful and don’t want us to do and sticking it to the man school, there are maximum 30 people in a class. work in tandem with the Electoral Commission and all the rest of that. But sometimes the most Your teacher knows you, cares about you, talks so we don’t break the law. punk thing you can do is be nice. to you, tries and teaches you based on what stage SO MOVING ON—CAMERON SLATER. LET’S JUST WOW. you’re at. That’s all based on good education prac- TALK ABOUT CAMERON SLATER AND YOUR LOVE tice. University, they don’t do any of those things. FOR HIM. You know? I didn’t care for university, and I don’t think Just… just rant about my love for him?

THAT SOUNDED LIKE AN AVRIL LAVIGNE QUOTE. you have to go there. But you can if you want! That’s fine. JUST LET IT RIP. If there’s one fact we can take from this inter- I love it! I think I’ve made it clear I’m deeply in view… LIVE YOUR LIFE. IMAGINING TIME, BUDGET AND SO love with the man. He represents all that is good ON WASN’T AN ISSUE, WHAT IS THE NUMBER ONE IT’S THAT AVRIL LAVIGNE IS THE NEW CHRIST? THING YOU’D LIKE WHITE MAN BEHIND A DESK TO and holy and pure about the relationship between COVER? journalists and politicians. He’s never had any I’m glad we got there. Good question. It’s hard because there are not a conflicts of interests. He’s never had any malicious But I do think that’s true—what grinds peo- lot of people saying no to us in terms of things we intent in terms of revealing the news in a clear, ple’s gears sometimes is being a nice person and want to do—if we want to do something, we can concise, non-emotive way. He’s never been biased. saying thanks. That’s fun. Sincerity is coming just do it. We’re really lucky to live in a time where I think that’s why I respect and love him so much. back into fashion. Everyone’s getting a bit tired research is not expensive. It’s just time-consuming. Sometimes the most punk thing you can do of sarcastic, ironic, smug people. You can go to libraries, and there’s the Internet! is being nice, yeah? If we met Cameron Slater we

WELL, LIKE OUR VERY OWN CHLÖE SWARBRICK UP And it’s awesome! I think something we want to would just give him a hug. Tell him it’s okay. IN AUCKLAND. IS IT CHALLENGING THE WHOLE do soon is on New Zealand’s tax system. We’re ex- IDEA THAT POLITICIANS ARE TERRIBLE IDIOTS? cited about that. I do not understand how New IS THAT THE NEXT BIG THING FOR WMBAD? FINALLY MEETING CAMERON SLATER FOR A HUG? I think a lot of young people are very excited about Zealand’s financial system works… that. That’s really cool. It shows young people can We’d just love to bring him in for a cuddle. actually get excited about politics, and not just NEITHER. I WANT TO ARRANGE THIS. in opposition to something—but for something. We kind of want to pull that veil back and explain I think we should. I think more people in the Comedy is sort of inherently destructive, and the how it’s going and how it works, and whether or world need hugs, and I think Cameron Slater is point of it is to poke holes in things. You shouldn’t not you should be angry. Spoiler alert: probably. one of them. rely on comedians for news, because that’s all Most likely. This is our direct message to Cameron Slat- they’re really ever going to do. If I say thank you to If we had unlimited budget, we’d just hire all er. If he’s ever feeling worked-up—like he needs politicians, it can be fun for a bit, but it’s not really the investigative journalists, and be like, “Con- to take down politicians just for the sake of it, funny. After that, I have to go back to poking holes gratulations. You now have a job.” That’d be or like he needs to prove himself on the New in stuff, because that’s comedy. great. We’d have really fun stories to then take Zealand stage—he needs to remember that he But journalists do have that ability to say, and make stupid. “Hey, this is really good, we should do more of is enough. this.” It’s not funny. But it’s news. And it’s proper WHAT CAN WE EXPECT FROM WMBAD IN 2017? It is okay. His family loves him. And we’re news. I think people want more of that. I mean, We’ve got a lot of projects coming up, which here to give him a hug. we’ve got climate change and Trump. Bring on aren’t just necessarily me sitting behind a desk DEAR CAMERON SLATER, YOU ARE ENOUGH. the good news. ranting at you! But there will be more of that. You are enough. ◆ “Comedy is sort of inherently destructive, and the point of it is to poke holes in things. You shouldn’t rely on comedians for news, because that’s all they’re really ever going to do.”

[20] International students don’t forget your spectacle allowance! Queen Street Special 25% off glasses for students

Please visit www.studentassist.co.nz. for more information on spectacle allowance.

155 Queen St (corner of Queen & Wyndham Sts), 303 1364.

[21] When purchasing 1 pair from the $169 range or above. Current student card must be presented at time of purchase. Cannot be used in conjunction with any other offer. Frames available while stocks last. Price correct at time of print. © 2017 Specsavers Optical Group. FEATURE

[22] A satire by Art by Malinna Liang Kate Mitchell Melania & The Star-Spangled Ban-Non

Steve comes over for dinner again in an off-white ting Donald. “Stephanie,” I say. “You know it agi- “Residents of where?” I ask. Is Donald trying to cream poncho and oversized trousers, all out tates him when you use such big words. Why don’t get rid of me because I have turned 45? Has he de- of breath and sweaty. Being First Lady now, of you just say it simply?” cided that he must now look for a younger Eastern course I cannot ask him what I really want to “The travel ban.” Stanley’s robe is slipping. Un- European woman to wed for less than a decade? I ask, which is “Steve, are you at a FR45 size now derneath is a very nice vintage Hugo Boss with an have always known that I will be replaced by an- or do you need a new tailor?” so I say, “Steve, eagle on the lapel and a red band around the arm. other Ivanka lookalike before the decade is out, so is that from the spring collection of Dries Van It really is so tight. I open my mouth to recommend I have been counting down the days on a calendar, Noten? And what is that funny hat you have un- Steffen my personal trainer but he is still going! “It’s but so soon? der your arm? Donald loves hats.” I point to what all drawn up and ready, so just take a half hour out After breakfast I call Kellyanne: “Kellyanne, had replaced the Wiggins over the mantlepiece, an after lunch, pop over to Mattis, and sign it.” what is the travel ban?” oil painting of Donald in his sporty little MAKE “Does that mean I don’t have to see Kellyanne?” “It’s not a ban, it’s extreme vetting,” Kellyanne AMERICA WHITE AGAIN cap, the limited “ Yes.” says. “You’re fake news and that’s not a lie, that’s an edition for family and friends. He wanted some- “Esteban,” I say. “What ban?” alternative fact.” thing by the funny man who painted Michelle as a But Esteban has moved on now to Jews, and “What?” monkey, but Ivanka said no. there’s no stopping him once he gets started on “This isn’t CNN?” Kellyanne is confused. “Oh. Stevie asks me if I am off my contraceptives to that. After dinner I ask Donald, “Honey,” in my Melania? Sorry. I have you and Jake Tapper down ask such a stupid question and I laugh because he is most appealing Slovenian accent; the one I used in as Opposition Party. What is it?” always making jokes. Donald comes back from his the interview after Donald’s little tape that every- “What is the travel ban?” little office and wants his pudding. “Stiffy,” says my one got so mad about. “Honey, what ban?” “Oh, you know,” Kellyanne said. Someone on husband. “What’s that funny triangle hat you have? But he has his bathrobe on, and Anderson is on her end shouts: WHAT IS SHE DOING HERE? Can I have it?” TV. Donald mutters something about how blue GET HER OFF THE SET! “I have to go.” “Early meeting,” Steviekins says. “You’ll get one his eyes are and shuffles away and I know I will “Where are you?” soon enough, if I have any say about it.” not get anything out of him that isn’t “But why are “Trying to jump on the broadcast,” Kellyanne Donald has his pudding and Stee his steak, and they so mean?” until the morning. At midnight he said. “They can’t say no to me if I’m already in the I my five gold leafed almonds; there is really not calls Barack and it goes to voicemail again; it blares green room.” The line cuts. much to talk about because I am terribly bored through the deadlocked door I had them put in Can it be that Donald, my semi-faithful, some- by Donald and all his little lawsuits with the doc- between my bedroom and Donald’s: THIS IS what-loving, sometimes-kind husband of ten years uments he scribbles over. It is not until dessert—a BARRY 44, KITESURFING THE VIRGIN IS- will have me deported? Will I be barred from step- bag of gummies for Donald—that Stevie-pie brings LANDS. DONALD, BEFORE YOU CALL ME ping outside JFK next time I return from a trip to it up again. AGAIN, GOOGLE IT FIRST. my favorite couturier in Paris? It is horrifying to me “Oh no,” Sven says. “No, it’s an executive order, In the morning Ivanka drops by to pick out that I might have to return to Slovenia and drink it’s getting signed Thursday.” Donald’s jacket and tie, so he can look like a grown- goat’s milk and maybe even go back to modelling I examine my new nails: they are such a nice up for his little cabinet meeting. “Ivanka,” I ask. calico; I have been dairy-free for two decades, and pearl pink, by my favorite Thaipanese lady. Perhaps “What is the ban?” have worn only silks and furs for so long that I fear tomorrow I can go back to Manhattan? She stands at parade rest and stares straight I may have developed an allergy to any other mate- “But Stiffy,” says Donald. “I can’t do that. I’ve ahead. “Please clarify your request.” rials. Surely Donald will not do that to me? Didn’t got a lot—really a lot, coming up Thursday. Huge I clear my throat. “Ivanka Model 423,” I say. I make him feel young, once? Maybe too young. At schedule. Enormous.” “What is the ban? Addendum Steve Bannon, Don- eleven he calls me and says he cannot nap without a “Oh yeah? What are you doing?” ald Trump, executive order.” song so I trudge back to the office where he is lying “Cable news in the morning!” Donald is ada- “Please hold while I scour the database.” Her down during his intelligence briefing. The suited mant. “Two whole hours! Then last night’s rerun. eyes flash green. “Executive Order 13769, Protect- men have stopped protesting my being there to sing I have to know what Anderson is saying about me. ing the Nation from Foreign Terrorist Entry into Donald his Slovenian folk song now. Then I have to retweet a sixteen year-old from rural the United States, limiting entry by all refugees and As I sing him the song of my people over the Alabama.” residents of — ” droning of the suits—Russia, cyber, Flynn, trea- I sigh—Stefano doesn’t notice because he is “Ivanka!” Donald yells. “Is that you? I can’t find son—I wondehaven’t I been a good addition to this waving about, making very loud noises and upset- my Transformers socks!” nation? Have I not been an inspiration to poor, fat,

“I point to what had replaced the Wiggins over the mantlepiece, an oil painting of Donald in his sporty little MAKE AMERICA WHITE AGAIN cap, the limited edition for family and friends.”

[23] unhappy American women all over the navel of this to hold a re-election rally.” Donald blinks at me. “Hillary?” country with my photoshoots and magazine cov- “The next presidential election is not to com- “We code your favorite website, Twitter!” I cry. ers? Have I not paid taxes? That is an honest ques- mence until the year 2020,” Ivanka says; the syringe “We work in your think tanks, in Silicon Valley, in tion; Donald’s accountants handle our finances and in her arm feeding her the oil pops out a little. I Hollywood; we make the pizza that you’re eating I have not seen his tax returns either. clean it up for her. “I have taken the initiative of like an animal!” I wave at his knife and fork. “What After Donald has fallen asleep in his meeting, collating a topographical map of recent polls and about the Iraqi translators who have had their fam- I call the driver to make a trip to the Library of comments made about this Administration over ilies murdered by terrorists while they wait for a Congress. I am escorted to the Librarian, who asks, the past week by pundits, anchors, and media per- green card, Donald? What about me; I was so beau- “Mrs Trump, how can I help you today?” sonalities. I then calculated the approval rating of tiful on the cover of Sports Illustrated!” “Yes, I would like to do research,” I say. “I have a proposed re-election campaign rally against the I begin to cry: it has been such a stressful day. to show my husband that his travel ban order is current publicity landscape.” Donald pats me on my head with his small, dwarf- wrong.” “What does it say?” ish hand. “His what?” she asks. “It concludes that such a rally will be seen as an “It appears Mrs Trump believes she falls under “His travel ban,” I say. “He is signing it on attempt to soothe your fragile, psychopathic, and the umbrella of Executive Order 13769.” Ivanka Thursday. Stevie is being so pushy. I only have a lit- childlike ego.” says. tle time to make a case. Can you help me?” “But I want a rally!” Donald cries and kicks his I sniffle. “I am an immigrant, Ivanka! I want to “Holy shit,” she says. “Travel ban against who?” feet. “I want a rally!” visit my Parisian couturier without being detained “Refugees!” This woman must be deaf! I am I cannot bear it anymore. “Donald,” I say. “This in those horrible fluorescent rooms at JFK!” perplexed. “And residents! Of many countries. I am country is built on the backs of immigrants, isn’t “You won’t, you won’t,” Donald reassures me. not sure which. But I am afraid.” it?” “But then again, I can’t be sure. I haven't read the “So the fuck am I,” she says. “You know what, Donald says, “What?” thing; I can’t read. Ivanka—?” take a seat, Mrs Trump. Let me make a few calls.” “Isn’t it true that Pilgrims came to this country “Executive Order 13769 has a mandate restrict- She takes out her phone. “CNN, please. Anderson? to escape persecution?” I am desperate. “Just as ed to Iran, Iraq, Libya, Somalia, Sudan, Syria, and Anderson? Yeah, it’s me. You would not believe I came to this country to escape a life modelling Yemen.” Ivanka says. “Majority-Islamic nations what the fuck just happened.” sandals! Isn’t it the great dream of this country, and with whom we have few diplomatic communica- After she makes her little phone calls she comes countries throughout the West, to welcome immi- tions, no stake in local oil reserves, and most impor- over to me, and proves herself very useful in these grants and refugees, to create a grand melting pot of tantly, no Trump-brand business ties.” book things. She asks, “Do you know what is writ- culture so that we may all be, all be—well, stronger I blow my nose. “What? Ivanka, I don’t under- ten at the base of the Statue of Liberty?” together?” stand.” “It was a gift from France.” I am proud to know “Ivanka, what’s she talking about?” Ivanka stares at me. She seems as if she is about this. “It says: ‘Paris, je t’aime’.” “Mrs Trump seems to be making a plea against to sigh, but that is not in her programming. “Brown “What the fuck,” she says. “No, it says, ‘Give me Executive Order 13769, sir.” Ivanka says. people.” your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearn- “Oh? What do I say to it, then?” “Oh!” I gasp. Donald claps like a seal. I am not a ing to breathe free, the wretched refuse of your “Sir, you may make the argument that this brown person! I repeat this with great joy. teeming shore’. Write that down. You make the country is not built on the backs of immigrants “No, you’re not,” Donald says firmly. “I toupeed short-fingered orange-utan listen to that but on systematic genocide and mass enslavement, wouldn’t have married you if you were. Oh, good. until he recites it in his sleep.” common in European colonies of the sixteenth to Good. Fantastic. Is this over? Is it over?” She brings me books and articles, passages nineteenth centuries, sir.” Ivanka says. “From the I wipe my tears away—how silly of me! I had highlighted; I read them and write points down viewpoint of the native population—that is, in always known that Donald loved me; what could in my monogrammed Hermes notebook. When I this metaphor, the American public—welcoming a possibly have possessed me to think otherwise? A look up again, it is dark outside, and all the stodgy people escaping religious persecution was a straight thought occurs to me. “Ivanka,” I say. “Would you old men have left. “You have been such a great help nexus toward their own ruin.” mind terribly taking my Hermes notebook when to me,” I say to the Librarian. “I do hope I will never “Well!” Donald says. “What Ivanka said. you go, and giving it to a staffer to shred? It has such have to drink another glass of goat’s milk again. It Thank you, Ivanka. See, that could happen here!” horrible writing in it.” is so tangy.” “It has historically only been instigated by co- After dinner I have them put Donald in his big She says, “Don’t fuck this up.” lonial Europeans, sir, to the detriment of natives.” boy jammies and finally I can take a plane to New All through the evening my stomach turns; “But Donald,” I say. “After Bashar Al-Assad York, where I am carefree and need do nothing surely Donald will listen? Once we spent a whole opposed the invasion of Iraq in 2003, the Bush but call Donald occasionally for his Slovenian folk afternoon discussing whether he was stunningly Administration made direct efforts to heighten song. On the way there I think: should I call Mi- attractive or handsomely masculine—he places a sectarian tension and funded political dissidents chelle? I should. I dial. lot of stock in my opinions. At the residence Ivanka in Syria, and the Obama Administration purpose- “Michelle,” I say, once her voicemail is finished is already at the dining table. The butler serves her fully ignored reports indicating that overthrowing (THIS IS MICKEY O, WATERSKIING THE her favorite motor oil. Donald is eating pizza with Assad would lead to immense political instability. VIRGIN ISLANDS. DON’T ASK ME FOR a knife and fork. Don’t you think that given the role we’ve played in SHIT, MELANIA), “will you and Barack be al- “Donald?” I say. “Donald, dear?” making refugees into refugees, we should take more right getting back to the States?” ◆ “I want to hold a rally,” he says. “Ivanka, I want responsibility and initiative?”

“Have I not paid taxes? That is an honest question; Donald’s accountants handle our finances and I have not seen his tax returns either.”

[24] COLUMNS

Amateur With Hour Jordan Margetts

Rhapsodising and Taxonomising

I’ve come down with a uniquely modern malady. Less than occasionally, jerks in town try for some ra- or system-disruptions in any direction. New Zealand And I’ve come down bad. You’ve almost certainly cial banter. Once our second largest party blamed a feels pretty placated. Sure there are grumpy protest- heard of it. Like anxiety, gluten intolerance, and exer- whole ethnicity for housing prices. And Winston Pe- ers, they usually have green hair, spots, and show cise addiction, Trump Fatigue (or TF as it’s known in ters endlessly yabbers something grumpy and racist up in groups of no more than ten. But they lack all medical circles) is on the rise in a big way. The worst to his octogenarian fan base. But this isn’t build the momentum. We keep ignoring the housing bubble, thing about TF is that once you’ve got it, all you want wall racism. This isn’t “ban XYZ countries” racism. but hey, the baby-boomers benefit—that’s next de- to do is spread it. I’ve given TF to literally thousands It’s just a tad awkward… right? cade’s problem, right? They say depending on dairy of people. Many say I’m the best at giving TF. The money thing is different here too. While in is precarious at best, but we’ve been OK till now. But I didn’t start up a politics column to give TF percentage terms we have a higher unemployment People are poor and jobs are scarce and increasingly to all twelve of Craccum’s readers. Fear not; this is not rate than the US (it’s true, according to the web we’re automated, but we have a social welfare net and poor another “Why Trump?” column. This is more of a on 5.8% and they’re on 4.2%), we’re much nicer to people don’t organise here anyway. My point is this: “What about us?” column. Because, what about us? our unemployed. As every baby-boomer will remind at least for now we’re a fairly quiet people, our fights We consume constant overseas news. My Facebook you, these unemployeds are given the bare necessi- are small, our media talks mostly sports and gossip, page for the last year has been 70% Trump’s Ameri- ties! We’re also better to our students. Despite Na- and government services pretty much do their jobs. ca; 10% Brexit; and 20% look-at-this-cool-salad/vis- tional steadily decimating the arts, and guilt-tripping To be clear, I’m not telling anyone to shut-up-and- ta/picture-of-me-smiling-with-my-friends-on-the- students, we do actually still get interest-free student stop-complaining. But for now there just isn’t the deck. And from afar, we see some trends emerginwe loans. And student allowances for the poor kids. rage for change. see increasing vitriol in political speech; we see in- And technically the government already funds 70% With an election coming up, and the media creasingly isolationist foreign and economic policy of the total cost of our fees before student loan. So barraging us with eulogies to pre-Trump America, (at least being advertised); we see increasing dislike be-fucking-grateful. it shouldn’t be surprising that we get a little intro- of Muslims and fears of terrorism; and of course in- Much like the Trump voters and Brexiteers, we spective. But I think our introspection needs to creasing attention to the stresses and strains of the don’t trust educated elites. But the big difference is go beyond “will this happen here?” The thing we white-working-class. obvious—we don’t really keep them around. Not should ask ourselves—the thing the American es- Sir Geoffrey Palmer used the Flynn saga (a.k.a. since Clark’s government (remember Cullen and tablishment neglected to ask themselves—is simply, Muslim Ban) as a jumping-off-point to argue for his PhD in History, Clark and her MA in Politics?) “Where are the faults we’re ignoring?” Our faults are New Zealand having a written constitution. The ar- have we had academic intellectual types running any- unique. Number eight wire. But they’re there. And ticle was about half as long as it needed to be (cheers thing. John Key had a degree, but he was famous for maybe our placid little South Pacific nation is more The Spinoff), though it did make me think—not so his laid back manner, his “banter”, his love of sausag- fragile than we think. much how our constitution per se might cope if a es on the barbeque and pulling waitresses’ ponytails. “Trump seems the very opposite of a guardian an- Trumpian figure came to power, but about whether Same goes for our media. gel, I thank him for this: I’ve never before imagined a Trumpian-type movement could happen here? And our media sucks. But in the opposite way to America as fragile, as an experiment that could, within Because we know that this new trend seems to the US. It isn’t the coastal elite running one side, and my very lifetime, fail…” — George Saunders ◆ have a foothold all over the place: Brexit in the UK blithering tyrades from pudgy demagogues on the and Trump in the US look very similar. Marine Le other. Our media doesn’t lie to itself (à la the Clinton Pen’s National Front is a sort-of Frenchified (i.e. left) about the results of elections. Our media doesn’t colour blind and apparently high-minded) version have to. Our media love the Right (and they always Recommendations/Note: Every week I’m of a similar thing. Anger. Racism (or, as they call it, win) but in a slow, tedious, artless way. The closest we going to list the most interesting articles/ “non-PCism”). Anti-internationalism. Do we have get to tirades is Mike Hosking, and even he cloaks podcasts I find while scribbling the column. the same ingredients here? himself in “common sense” and every now and again Next week onwards I’ll try to be more topi- Well, we’re a majority white country that’s get- chucks a hardball at the PM (to be fair, I’ve only seen cal (promise). If you have suggestions, please ting less so. Our working class never recovered from this once). email Craccum! the neoliberalisation of the 80s. We’re increasingly There’s something else too. Something less con- “Who Are All These Trump Supporters?” — resentful of foreigners. A relatively small elite have crete that seems to have spread about in the US, in George Saunders, The New Yorker a massively disproportionate share of the country’s Britain, and France. A sort of psychic energy or mo- “Donald Trump, Baby Boomer” — Stephen wealth. Plus, we’re anxious all of the time. The econ- mentum. A fury and rage at the system—against the Metcalf, Slate omy. Housing. Suspicion of elites. The literal globe so called “political establishment” in the one case, “David Frum on the 2016 election, and the being set to self destruct pretty shortly. Looming and the elite technocracy of the EU on the other. long decline of the GOP” — The Ezra Klein existential fears. It wasn’t a generic dislike. It was something specif- Show (podcast) But most of these happen in a uniquely New ic that sent people to the streets, the voting booth, “A Donald Trump in New Zealand could Zealand way. A laid back, slightly bored kind of the campaign rally, the web. Venting stopped being wreak great havoc. We should act to prevent way. There’s a spot of racism, and it’s ugly for the theoretical and started becoming a decision-making that now” — Geoffrey Palmer,The Spinoff victims. Occasionally some idiot sprays “go home” model. I think this is the key difference. We aren’t an- United States of Anxiety — podcast by The on an Asian-New Zealander’s campaign billboard. gry enough for any major transformations or upsets

[25] COLUMNS

How to Talk With About Sport Mark Fullerton

The Year Ahead

2017. TheNZ Herald and their ragtag team at least one New Zealand team will miss the does b/c I don’t really watch league, but appar- of the same very established sports writers are playoffs. Smart money would be on the Blues, ently he’s a really good one. writing the same very established articles that unfortunately. Surely. That’s the strongest spine1 we’ve seen they do every year. Rattue is still being contro- since Vesna Vulović.2 versial and flip-flopping on whatever sports star The Lions To Wipe The Regional But then this is the Warriors we’re talking it is cool to hate. Cleaver and Paul have analysed Teams And, In Turn, Get about. So probably not. the same rugby game since 1903, only changing Absolutely Ass-Blasted By The the names. Dana Johanssen, token female, writes All Blacks Women In Sport To Be about netball and sailing because that is what to- If the Barbarians have proven anything, it is Comprehensively Ignored For A ken females do. that throwing together a bunch of good players Wee While Longer But you are sick of them! Drain the swamp, doesn’t necessarily make a good team. A team of Abby Erceg ripped NZ Football a new one when you cry! Bring sports writing back to the people, champions rather than a champion team, amir- she announced her shock retirement a few weeks you cry! What will this new rebel and renegade ite??? Of course the top flight team from the ago, citing the fact that even after working as bring to the table? What zany predictions will he British Isles will make short work of the various a professional football player for a number of make? Why do rhetorical questions always come regional teams and the Blues (note that my pre- years she was struggling to make ends meet and in threes? What little nuggets of wisdom and diction above makes no mention of the exhibi- would quite like to make a bit of money before information can he offer that the establishment tion match on June 7th because while the Blues she reached 30 thanks guys if that’s ok with you. can’t? will be good they won’t be THAT good), but The Football Ferns have done nothing but im- Probably not too many, sorry. We’re all once they come up against Beaden’s Boys they prove over the last few years, which is more than watching the same games. The only difference is will capitulate faster than Vinnie Jones Soccer can be said for the “We didn’t KNOW that our I’m not getting paid. Squad in a grand final (see below). 2005 was the South African player wasn’t allowed to play” year of Dan Carter, so it will be interesting to see men’s All Whites, yet NZ Football refuses to The Blues To Not Do Too Badly who the standout player is this time around. cover their basic expenses. This means the play- (Maybe) ers are hit harder in the pocket than their male The signing of Augustine Pulu was a coup, the The Warriors To Make The Top 8 counterparts, despite arguably performing more little halfback making the move north and bring- (Maybe) consistently on the international stage. This is all ing hope to the Blues and hopefully some of the Surely. Stephen Kearney. He led the Kiwis to a despite NZ Football declaring surpluses for the luck of the Chiefs. Sonny Bill Williams should World Cup in 2008, and seems to be the most last eight years. Do better, guys. And don’t even also add to an attacking backline already boast- promising coach to have entered the revolving get me started on women’s cricket. ing the likes of George Moala, Rene Ranger and door at Warriors HQ since the departure of Ivan the Ioane brothers, all of whom can be exceed- Cleary. The Sunwolves To Make The ingly difficult to stop. Their absolute rout of the Surely. Kieran Foran. Despite his very recent Playoffs And Finally Justify Melbourne Rebels in the opening round lends and very public mental health issues, the boy can Their Place In The Super Rugby weight to this prediction, but it is important to play. Competition remember the Rebels are the only team more Shaun Johnson. Remember that try against kidding lol ◆ consistently shithouse than the Blues. The true the Sharks? ‘nuff said. test will be/will have been the round two clash Roger Tuivasa-Sheck. Even after catastroph- with the Chiefs, but because the print deadline ic ankle injury in 2016 he still ended the season is the Thursday before, I can’t really comment on with one of the highest total running metres 1 “Together with the two half backs and fullback, hooker that. If they beat the recent Highlander-slayers, (Correct grammar? Correct facts? Who knows) is one of the four key positions that make up what is some- times called a team's 'spine'.” Cheers Wikipedia, still don’t the competition will get very interesting. If not, and has been named captain at age twenty-some- really know what a hooker is though. there’s no shame in that. Although the vagaries thing and after playing like seven games or some 2 A somewhat niche reference to the Serbian flight atten- of the fucking impenetrable Super Rugby pool shit. dant who survived a 10,000m fall in 1972 after the plane system mean that no matter how good they are, Isaac Luke. I don’t really know what a hooker she was working in tore apart in mid air.

[26] COLUMNS

By Popular With Demand Michael Clark

An Introduction

Art is all around us. It is in everything and it is was a celebration of God. All these works of art ists within the popular culture eye, everything is everything. It thrives in all environments—all were used in some way to promote an ideology important and everything is worthy of analysis political landscapes, all zeitgeists, all cultures. and ultimately keep the rich rich and the poor in and criticism. Art is a materialisation of where we are as a spe- their place. They are magnificent. And they are So, I have a few rules: cies. It begins at the crossroad of human creativi- beautiful. And advertisements can be too. They This column is not a review. A review is con- ty and appreciation, and ends when the last per- are a response to an ever-growing consumerist cerned with how something is. It makes a judge- son stops appreciating it. Art can be bad. Art can culture. They are the lavish cathedrals of our era, ment on the worthiness of a particular work and be good. But at the end of the day, if someone designed to be dazzling and flashy and force in- tries to determine its values in relation to other appreciates a work, it is art. tent. Some see it as bad, but if there is apprecia- works. This column is concerned about what and Take for example, an advertisement. A prod- tion, there is art. why it is. It accepts the worthiness of all things uct of capitalist, ever-increasing commercial And there’s no art like the art of popular and runs with it. If you’re looking for reviews, culture, the advertisement is a work designed to culture. It is the most talked about, the fur- you can flip a few pages back and you will find sell something. But it can also be wrapped in this thest-reaching, and the most consumed form a cornucopia of reviews written by some incredi- beautiful package that can tug the heart strings of art. However, it is often under-analysed and bly talented writers. in every which way. And a lot of people resent un-criticised. This is not for any particularly This column also need not be contemporary. this, especially when advertisers adapt contem- malicious reason, but works destined to exist in Because we’re dealing with pop culture here, porary work for money (see: when memes be- the popular culture space tend to slip under the each work will be relatively fresh in the public come commercialised). radar of higher-level discussion. conscience, but each week will not necessarily We’ve had some banger ads in our time: the So, this is what my column is about. It is an be a hot-off-the-press analysis of the latest film, 1984 Macintosh ad, Old Spice, Richie McCaw’s appreciation of works that may not necessarily Netflix series, EP, or game. Like a favourite pair Beats by Dre, and movie trailers (see: trailers have been thought about in depth. It is an anal- of jeans, these things take time and sometimes that are better than the film). Don’t tell me we ysis of pop culture, under-appreciated work, analysis is better in retrospect. Then again, I don’t appreciate advertisements because every and hidden art that may have fallen through the might find something I really love, claim that it’s year we come together and watch the Super cracks of high-brow discussion. It is a criticism of my new favourite thing, and write about it—so Bowl ads, celebrating the massive amounts of all the things that have been deemed unworthy who knows. money poured into each one and marveling at of critique. It is an ode to the art most often not And, finally, these columns are designed to how much bigger the budget was compared to thought of as art. be strange. They take an approach or an angle the previous year. Bigger, better—as is the man- Each column will come in the form of an es- that you may not have originally thought about tra of our culture. And so, this is the art of our say. Each one will focus on a different film, TV and run with it. One week you might not agree environment. series, game, song, podcast or artist within the with a thesis and in another you may love it, but And this doesn’t really diminish its status framework of philosophical or critical concepts. every essay is designed to make you think. And if as artwork. King Tut’s mask was, after all, de- It makes no difference whether they are massive I can do just that, then I have achieved my goal signed to be a propaganda piece. As was Trajan's multi-million-dollar game franchises, cult classic for this column. Column. And the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel films, or independent podcasts, so long as it ex- Right, let’s begin. ◆

“...works destined to exist in the popular culture space tend to slip under the radar of higher-level discussion.”

[27] COLUMNS

Quarter-Life With Crisis Caitlin Abley

Self-Examination and Public Masturbation Last week, I turned 23. I figure, if I’m lucky and man- I’ve compiled a list of my favourite suggestions weren’t screening it anymore. I looked at what else age to avoid Kit Kat Chunky-induced diabetes, I from dozens of these shitty articles. My criteria was was showing. I’d already seen Gold and Hidden might make it to 92 before heading to the great Nestlé pretty loose—anything noticeably moronic, or Figures, and I was feeling way too fragile for Lion. factory in the sky. By this logic, I’ve reached the corny, or genuinely appealing made it onto a list that Horrifying as it was, my best option was Fifty Shades quarter-way point in my life and I’m starting to is still being added to. The plan is to follow through Darker. have a minor meltdown—a Quarter Life Crisis. I with one “must-do” every week, and evaluate how Could I do it? Could I really go and watch Fifty cried on my birthday because I had far fewer well fulfilled I feel after each one. Ultimately, at the end Shades at three in the afternoon in New Lynnen - wishes posted to my Facebook wall and thought it of the year, I aim to make a call on whether or not tirely by myself? Was this officially rock bottom? A meant that I had lost all my friends. I cried when I these self-help lists make any lasting difference on voice came through my head—or rather, a text came overcooked pasta because it made me realise that my happiness and sense of satisfaction with the way through from my editor—“do it for the meme.” my parents may die before I ever made them a good I am spending my twenties. I scuttled to the self-service machine, furtively meal. I cried when a certain editor-in-chief sent me First on the agenda comes from Elite Daily, punching in my order, my fingers fumbling over the a 125-page Jesse Eisenberg/Andrew Garfield fan- which kindly told me that I must take myself on a touch screen in my sweaty haste. I remembered that fiction—the first tears came because I was so happy date before I turn 30—and backed this up with an this was meant to be a date, and decided to get some when they boned at the end; the second wave of exhausting 12 Reasons You Should Date Yourself food. I slunk up to the counter, frantically scanning the sobs arrived when I realised I was crying over The Before You Date Anyone Else. In principle, I didn’t menu, trying not to look like a pervert and in doing so Social Network fanfic at 2.30am. Essentially, I am a actually think this was a terrible idea. It’s probably looking exactly like a pervert. When I was a kid, my mess. On more than one occasion I have desperately quite constructive to learn how to be alone with mum used to send me to the movies with pre-popped asked my mum, “If you could stay frozen at any age, your thoughts without hating yourself; sure, doing microwave popcorn and diluted lemon and barley what would it be?” to reassure myself that I haven’t this in the framework of a date is pretty dumb, but I in a Sistema water bottle, and to this day I’ve never yet reached my peak. Even worse, I keep clicking on appreciated the sentiment. bought anything at a cinema. I went for the cheapest those shitty Elite Daily and Buzzfeed lists that pur- I planned the date, banging out the classics: a option—a FIVE DOLLAR choc-top. Lactose intol- port to tell you the Twenty Things You Must Do In romantic picnic and stroll along the beach, followed erance be damned, it was a hot day and in my nervous Your Twenties, or the Thirty Things You Have To by dinner and a movie. I forced myself to observe state I had a serious case of swamp-ass to counteract. Do Before You Turn Thirty Or Else You’re Basical- date etiquette, rooting out the pretty undies that I squelched into the cinema, praying that there ly A Fucking Failure And Why Even Go On With ride up my ass and making sure my sheets were would be no one in there—honestly who the fuck Life Seriously You Are A JOKE. clean, and set out for Te Henga. And actually, this watches Fifty Shades Darker at 3pm—but was met I really hate these lists. The obvious problem with part of the day was incredibly pleasant. Strolling the by four sets of couples, all staring at me as I practical- them, of course, is that they’re totally inane. But my length of my favourite West Coast beach, with the ly dived for a seat in the front row, feeling every inch real issue with these listicles is that they both buy sea mist drifting across the cliffs at the end and the the public masturbator. I pretended to be texting into and further propagate an incredibly toxic self- sun breaking through the clouds, I felt like I had during the trailers, hoping the people behind me help culture that does anything but help. These lists done something worthwhile with my day. Maybe would think I was waiting for a mate, not fingering set you up for failure. They’ll have you believe that the clowns at Elite Daily were onto something. furiously in anticipation of some B-Grade BDSM. you cannot be truly fulfilled unless you are travelling And then I moved onto phase two: the film. And then the film started. overseas, but also landing the dream job, while also Prior to my date, I had watched Manchester by the I wish I could tell you that I enjoyed it, that I was allowing yourself to be a #wanderer, while getting Sea, Fences, and Moonlight within five days. I was pleasantly surprised by its sensitive portrayal of alter- into a stable relationship, while also having liberat- cinematically destroyed. I really needed to watch native sexual lifestyles. Unfortunately, it is undoubt- ing one-night-stands, but also learning how to be something light and fluffy, because if I saw one more edly the worst film I have seen since literal turd-heap single, and making sure to be mindful of self-care child get beaten up, or emotionally abused, or just I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry. Aside from while simultaneously living a work-hard-play-harder plain killed, I’d never watch a new film ever again the numerous enormously abusive relationships lifestyle—because if you’re not doing these things in and spend the rest of my days with Angus, Thongs romanticised in the movie, the plot is all over the your twenties, when are you going to do them? These & Perfect Snogging on repeat. I wanted cheerful, show and the sex scenes aren’t remotely titillating. parasitic websites feed on our insecurities and it truly non-confrontational; I wanted a movie where the To compound all of this, halfway through the ice is just all bullshit. characters had no actual problems. La La Land cream reached my intestines and left me in crippling So of course, the logical course of action is to seemed the obvious choice, but when I arrived at pain as I held in a tremendous fart for the next hour. make a year-long column out of it. Reading Cinema in New Lynn, I found that they Now this was rock bottom. ◆

[28] ARTS EDITORIAL

Don’t run across my lawn! My life is full of regret With Anoushka Maharaj

It is a spectacular thing to be able to look at your paid tribute to his faith with the accompaniment NASA, the individual stories depicted in Hidden life and make sense of it through art, words, film or of a gospel choir. Figures and Fences—these are all just different rep- music. Viola Davis said it best when she said that I have only cried twice in my life—once when I resentations of the ongoing oppression and pain “we are the only profession that celebrates what it was six and fell over while rollerblading, right after that has existed long before little metal trophies means to live a life”. that when my brother made fun of me, and twelve were being handed out. Another somewhat trag- In this age of few victories, it seems unlikely more times when I watched Lion. Then only an- ic realisation was that all the people who are sud- that amidst the indulgent nature of awards shows other seven times when I watched Moonlight take denly being acknowledged by the Academy have there would be a place where you would find em- home the Oscars for “Most Important Film” and nevertheless persisted in paying tribute to people powerment. Year after year we’ve witnessed the “Very Very Brilliant” and “[crying noise] [crying like August Wilson or Katherine Johnson without Denzel Washingtons of the world lose to the Ca- noise]”. It was delightful to note most speeches waiting for recognition. sey Afflecks, and every year you feel a little more had the undertone of “fuck you, Trump” and then In 2017’s very short life, we have already wit- resentful that the Academy doesn’t feel the shards Viola Davis won Best Supporting Actress and gave nessed the Women’s March and the protest of of broken hearts (and shattered laptop screens) un- another stunning victory speech that made every- DT’s Muslim ban—evidence of the fact that trag- derneath their fingernails. one rethink their reason for existence. The organi- edies elsewhere are prompting change right here But this year is unique, in that following on sation represented in the doco The White Helmets at home. We are on the winning side of history. from the most cataclysmic atrocity of last year (we used their speech to draw attention to the very Though I don’t think it’s going to get any less ter- don’t say its name), it’s looking like Archie An- real and current devastation caused by the Syrian rifying to check the news everyday, we can at least drews after a summer of working at the steel mill. War. Accepting the award on behalf of their entire aspire to wake up with the confidence of a criminal 2017 is chiselled and beautiful, making blunders team, Orlando von Einsidel shared a quote from on international waters and go to sleep with the that it recovers from quickly, and its triumphs so the Qur’an that the organisation operates on: “to comfort of a baby being cradled by Viola Davis. far are found in the very places where we had once save one life is to save all of humanity.” The White We can bask in the few victories we encounter and lost faith. These days, the world pretty much feels Helmets have saved over 82,000 Syrian lives. use our art to tell stories—those that belong to us like being trapped in a bunker in South Caroli- When La La Land was called instead of and those that belong to others. na, waiting for the tornado/stampede/bigotry to Moonlight there was a moment of unsurprised dis- Everyone has a defining moment in their life subside while you entertain yourself with cans of appointment—until two minutes later when War- when they realise something important for the first wine or the made-for-tv-movie Who The Hell Just ren Beatty thought “Oh, fuck” and realised that time. This truth can be as painful as shattering your Touched My Leg? MOONLIGHT HAD ACTUALLY WON BEST kneecaps by falling onto a pumpkin or as delightful Awards season has been full of plot twists PICTURE. And when you saw the chaos, the glo- as buying a 6 pack of nuggets then finding $85 at this year. As is the case with most significant so- rious surprise, the happiness—all you could think the bottom of the bag. For me, I had this moment cial events these days, they have been set against was, “Why the hell doesn’t it feel like this every year?” as I was watching the Oscars unfold. It was when the backdrop of our current political landscape, To be given the opportunity to tell these stories my devastation for Lion melted away and I saw leaving plenty of room for sly digs and uplifting at their most honest is deeply moving and signif- pure, incredible, beautiful joy creep on the cast of anthems urging resistance. A Tribe Called Quest icant—and to be acknowledged for them is a rar- Moonlight when they realised they had won. There admonished Agent Orange for his fascism; Beyon- ity. ThoughLion was pretty much snubbed by all was a strong sense of community, of power, of gen- cé used her performance to tell a story that gives, as awards shows aside from the BAFTAs, I retain the uine love and shared history. And it was at this mo- she has said, “a voice to our pain, our struggles, our evidence of its profundity in my very soul, damn ment that I was hit with the realisation that when darkness and our history”, and Chance the Rapper it. The Syrian war, the forgotten black women of one minority succeeds, we all succeed. ◆

[29] ARTS FEATURE

Through the smoke Words by and past the mirrors Yasmin Brown

I don’t remember life before Taking Back Sunday. They’ve wanted to fit into. Over the past ten years, as the band has been with me for so long that they now sit comfortably in a progressed into what it is today, I have followed their ups little drawer at the back of my mind, waiting to offer solace and downs, while simultaneously experiencing my own, in on days where the sun doesn’t quite warm my soul. On those the process forming one of the longest and realest relation- days, they completely take over my life; I’ll often find myself ships I have ever had. listening to them on repeat for weeks before tucking them Just as I was on the brink of turning eighteen, of be- back in, ready for another rainy day. coming an adult, and of believing that I knew everything, I remember being thirteen on a school trip to France I developed depression. Thus came an entirely new way of with my friends, belting out the lyrics to the iconic “Cute consuming music. No longer was it something that I based Without the ‘E’ (Cut From the Team)”, as though our lives my image around, a reason to wear way too much black eye depended on it. At the time, I had no idea what any of it makeup and sport a fringe that was far too thick and un- meant, but it sounded cool and angsty, so it was just enough even. Music was now a method of true catharsis, something to appease the emo aesthetic of 2006 that I oh so desperately I could turn to when I needed to hear from someone that

[30] understood, but couldn’t quite bring myself to talk to any- The fact that Taking Back Sunday—and Adam in par- one I actually knew. ticular—have come through all of the shit that comes with All mental health illnesses are inherently different— addiction (the drama, the denial, the fights), as well as over- even the same illness can manifest itself in entirely different coming the personal conflict that led to their split in the first ways from one person to the next—but in some respects, place, has been made clear with the direction that their mu- they are also very similar. Each one makes the bearer feel a sic has taken. Gone are the regular mentions of weapons and little isolated, and I think it’s this very feeling that is por- slit throats, the bitter subtexts, and the self-directed guilt. trayed through music, forming one of the few connections Replacing those are a noticeably improved relationship with that can stand the test of time. God, a much adored family, and most importantly, proof As far as I know, lead singer of Taking Back Sunday— that Adam has gone from being dependent to dependable. Adam Lazzara—has never openly dealt with depression, Sonically, the music has taken a less angry, less angsty turn. but he has gone through his fair share of battles when it While it is still undoubtedly Taking Back Sunday, there is comes to substance abuse. He has been known to describe something evidently gentler about them now. drugs as a “crutch”, rather than something he necessarily It has been seven years since the announcement that needed, and yet shortly before the release of the band’s sec- Shaun and John would rejoin TBS, and since then, they ond album, Louder Now, he ended up enrolled in a rehab have transformed from being an emo Warped Tour band, to programme. At this point, two of the original members of a band that has grown enough to be featured in GQ Maga- Taking Back Sunday had been replaced, and it was the two zine. It shows maturity, which, I suppose, you’d expect given replacements that staged Adam’s intervention after develop- that all members are in their late thirties… But they’ve man- ing worries that he was failing to maintain a schedule and aged their careers with transparency and integrity, bringing that his substance abuse was beyond his control. Regardless, them to the place they inhabit now, where they get to play in Adam returned in time to do the tour that would support our little country for the first time in eleven years. the new album. Whether he was ready for it at that time is The direction they’ve taken in the past six or so years another matter entirely. tells me that these five members were always supposed to Lyrically, there are few tracks that reflect Adam’s past make music together, and that while their music was still with substance abuse, and yet with the band’s history be- totally brilliant during the split (and John Nolan and Shaun ing so easy to read into, fans are provided with an insight Cooper did wonderful things with Straylight Run), in hind- that, for me, created a personal connection with Taking sight I think their rekindling was always inevitable. Selfishly Back Sunday long before I started to understand the lyrics. I’m glad too, because since the 2011 release of their self-ti- By being so open about their issues, both personally and tled record, Taking Back Sunday have given me some of the interpersonally, they became more than just some dudes in greatest nights in all my twenty three years. some band. They humanised themselves, allowing for empa- Originally set to play Mount Eden’s Powerstation, the thy and understanding. Upon receiving my diagnosis, this venue was recently changed to the more intimate, and argu- quality became extremely important to me when listening ably more special, The King’s Arms Tavern. Taking Back to music, and while we suffered in different ways, I still felt Sunday thrive off crowd interaction, and so the switch understood and validated. should bring delight to all ticket-holders as we find ourselves Taking Back Sunday have now come full circle, since as of getting that much closer to the band—in more ways than 2010, after three album cycles apart, theTell All Your Friends one. This might also be the last chance most patrons will (the band’s first full length album) lineup is back together. have to attend a show at The King’s Arms, with its closure The knowledge that these five members have been through sadly being imminent. Having seen Taking Back Sunday a sixteen years of ups and downs, and yet have still decided that number of times in both club and festival environments, this is where they want to be, indicates a certain strength and I can say with absolute certainty that years down the line, togetherness that many other bands lack. Today, there is no when someone asks, you’ll be glad you can say that Taking doubt that each member is stoked to be there, and that the Back Sunday was the band that marked the closure of The feuds of the past are long since forgiven. It is easy to relate to King’s Arms for you. Expect thousands of tears prompted TBS, and to love them, because they’re so unapologetically by a multitude of moments, and at the same time, expect to human; an asset that pulls fans in, urging us to get more out grin so wide that your jaw aches. Their live shows are a force of the music than we may have done otherwise. to be reckoned with, and they are so, so important. ◆

Taking Back Sunday’s latest release Tidal Wave is out under Warner Music now and tickets are still available for their show at The King’s Arms on March 15th at www.aaaticketing.co.nz.

[31] ARTS SPOTLIGHT Songs to soothe our existential pain

Historically, we’ve always been fucked. Each generation, each impending decade, has brought about a new cohort of narcissists claiming that last year was definitely the worst. Some years had plagues, others mass genocides. Last year, we had a diseased paintbrush and a Catholic become the leaders of the conservative world. This year we’ve got to wait for the next season ofRick and Morty. The terror never ends!

Anyhow, instead of being politically engaging “Faster than the Speed of Night” — Bonnie Tyler “Employment” — Kaiser Chiefs students and crusading to save society from Winston Peters’ social media team. The Young Nats’ Facebook page. moral destruction, it might serve useful to dis- I’m writing two weeks before university. The sun is I’m struggling to keep this article relevant with- tract ourselves from our impending annihila- fast asleep and the cicadas under my floor boards out getting needlessly angry at the way things tion. I give to you my top 10 songs to rid you of continue to scream as I lay finishing this. It’s a meta- are. The Kaiser Chiefs’ Employment is ripper af- your melancholy: phor, I’m sure. Just as Bonnie Tyler’s “Total Eclipse ter ripper to which you can dance the night away. of the Heart” caresses my soul in a time where we’re Unlike the young traitors in blue, which adorn “Meat is Murder” — The Smiths living in a powder keg and giving off sparks. Soothe the desperate gaze of a children’s sports coach or The of this cruel world. your soul. Triumph the untriumphable. Milo Yiannopoulos. Realistically, any of The Smiths’ albums would have sufficed. Some upbeat melancholy really “BetterOffDead” — Flatbush Zombies “You Don’t Bring Me Flowers” — Neil gifts itself the cunning edge when distracting our The guy that made the “Mike Hosking Why Don’t Diamond crippling apathy and mental health epidemics. You Just Shut Up” Facebook page. “This is the fucking greatest” — Guyon Espinor. We’re the “barrel-rolling” bosom in Morrissey’s Smoke a little palm tree and fuck this world, or “Forever in Blue Jeans” is the finest folk tune of fantasy, and there’s no coming back. so the motto goes. The Flatbush Zombies have a all time. Just as investigative journalism should unique commentary on the disenfranchisement be, Neil Diamond hones the triumph of the “You’ve Gotta Get Out of Here” — The Ruts of youth. Few groups manage to instil such a working class. Banger, tune, classic. This will be The Bernie Sanders of our earthly hell. sense of hopeless hedonism. A poignant mes- your chicken soup for the anxious soul. This will We all lack a bit of casual rioting that makes up sage in lieu of songs that materialise happiness be the noose to your Nazi, the glass to your choc- any burgeoning young mind. It’s all well and with their Bugattis and trap queens. Sure, Shawn olate milk. good to proclaim that Netflix beats our post-O Mendes could treat you better, but why? A white Week hangover, but where would we be with- man playing a guitar is a great gimmick, but it “American Idiot” — Green Day out the sheer passion of human contempt? We doesn’t really make things better. Flatbush Zom- Kevin Rudd in a choker. wouldn’t be human. We wouldn’t have the Arab bies make no lies about how things are and how Green Day, even in the wake of their recent al- Spring, nor would we have World Star Hip- they will be. “Fuck the hood, fuck the jury, fuck bum, Revolution Radio, are more relevant in Hop. You can’t beat a line like “Babylon’s burn- the white house… we’re better off dead.” their Bush-era rhapsody. Foreboding our mod- ing with anxiety” with the arousing tunes of the ern state of affairs, this is an album that encap- Rude Boys—how fucking appropriate. “We’ve Got it from Here… Thank You 4 Your sulates our angst and disease as we’re strewn into Service” — A Tribe Called Quest our disillusioned reality. Still edgy and punk. Andrew Little, James Shaw, and Metiria Turei in Spunky. a revolutionary orgy. Even after the passing of beloved vocalist Phife TheTrainspotting Soundtrack Dawg and the demise of the early noughties, A The Book of Revelations (The Bible). Tribe Called Quest answered the world’s con- Iggy Pop and Joy Division. Goes well with a can temporary qualms the only way they know of lager and skag, complementing the disen- how. We The People plays on the punk chanted world that drives us from the acceptable. aesthetic of the rap community and It’s not just Sick Boy seriously lacking in moral introduces the searing tunes of yes- fibre. Colonised by wankers. This world is quite ter-decade. If you’re not in it for the shite, but there’s always something better like Sa- lyrics, it’s still a banger, a new- tan or the apocalypse. age classic. Distract yo’self. The Wiggles Greatest Hits (remastered 2005) David Seymour. Hi! Turns out I grew up like Jeff — incessant sleeping and an academic somnolence became my forte. In the end, we’re all the token civilian, but only I can walk like a clockwork nutcracker.

Words By Jack Adams [32] The equiTy Office – Te ArA TAuTikA

Nau mai, haere mai and welcome!

The Equity Office leads the University’s commitment to being safe, inclusive and equitable. Our team provides advice, guidance and support for all our students and staff, with a particular focus on our Māori and equity group communities. Equity group students include:

• Pacific students • Students with disabilities • LGBTI (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender and Intersex) students • Students from low socio-economic backgrounds • Students from refugee backgrounds • Women and men in those disciplines in which they are currently under-represented.

www.equity.auckland.ac.nz

We offer free support, advice and information to all students.

Grade disputes // Academic complaints Tenancy issues // Harassment and bullying Debt and funding issues & more.

Old Choral Hall (Alfred St Entrance) Student Advice Hub [email protected] Free // Confidential // Experienced // Independent 09 923 7294 www.ausa.org.nz

[33] ARTS REVIEWS

Safe In Sound About U The Orbiting Human Lower Than Atlantis MUNA Circus (of the Air) ALBUM REVIEW BY YASMIN BROWN ALBUM REVIEW BY CHRIS WONG PODCAST REVIEW BY JORDAN MARGETTS

There are very few occasions in which you find Indebted to 80s new wave as much as modern syn- In 2012 Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Cranor put to- yourself making your way through an entire album, thpop, About U, the debut full length effort from gether Welcome to Night Vale. If you haven’t lis- and with each track that passes thinking,”This is LA’s queer pop band MUNA, reflects a band truly tened, do. The best and least helpful way I can de- going to be my favourite.” Next thing you know the on the rise following on from late night appearanc- scribe it is as an American gothic conspiracy film, album is over and you still can’t say which track you es with the likes of Jimmy Fallon and Jimmy Kim- inspired by Twin Peaks and co-written by Thomas found yourself loving the most. Safe In Sound is one mel. Among shimmering synths, glistening guitar Pynchon. Clues leading nowhere. Voices in the of those albums. Lower Than Atlantis’s 2014 self-ti- and tightly polished production, MUNA sound night crying out vague woes. World’s decaying tled release blew my mind, but Safe In Sound incit- completely comfortable within the sound they have into entropy. But it’s also funny, and pro-minority, ed what felt like nuclear warfare. carefully crafted on the record, tackling a range of and showcases little-known indie bands. In three years, Lower Than Atlantis has come topics from the state of the current political cli- But I’m not reviewing that podcast. I’m review- further than any band I can think of, bringing a mate, to love and failed relationships, and messages ing the first podcast that comes to us fromNight more mature vibe to their music, both sonically of self-empowerment. Vale Presents (a podcast platform by Fink and Cra- and lyrically. With each song that passes, the record Vocalist Katie Gavin’s voice recalls those of years nor) created outside of the Night Vale team. The subtly takes you from one genre to another, always past, in the vein of Cyndi Lauper and Pat Benatar, podcast centers around an eponymously named pulling from elements of previous material. While while still offering her own unique vocal tone and in- live broadcast old-fashioned radio variety show, before it seemed almost experimental, with Safe in flection. Lead single “I Know A Place” capitalises on broadcast from a ballroom at the top of the Eiffel Sound each move seems deliberate. The band final- the idea of the “personal is political” and also makes Tower (in presumably early 20th century Paris). ly knows which direction they want to be going in, a statement in response to the events of the Orlando Julian, a nervous, radio obsessed janitor keeps and these ten tracks fully encompass what might Pulse Club shooting with a cry to arms for a safe space bumbling about causing trouble. And episode by finally be Lower Than Atlantis’s signature sound. for the marginalised and overlooked. episode reveals sad details from his past. There are The overall feeling that this record creates is A range of emotions are experienced on the a few psychic twists that I won’t spoil. And while darker than its predecessor, touching on uncouth record, from the meteoric highs found in “I Know Julian is having a sad and sweet time guests come on thoughts about hating everyone, being so in love A Place” to the deepest lows of emotional vulnera- the show itself and tell us some kind of story. that you might actually kill someone, and—most bility found in tracks such as “If U Love Me Now” It’s sort of Midnight in Paris romance meets heartbreaking of all—an apologetic approach to and “Crying on the Bathroom Floor”, a track Neutral Milk Hotel kooky (Julian is voiced by Ju- contemplating suicide. For the most part, soni- focusing on abusive relationships and traumatic lian Kostner, by the way) meets something that cally, it’s heavier than we are used to, and yet not bonding. Previously released track “Loudspeaker” feels a little, I wanna say steam-punk? Which overwhelmingly so, as it’s broken up with the is another highlight, a self-empowerment anthem sounds good. And it comes by way of the Night catchy “Boomerang” and the so-painful-I-can’t- based on the theme of being true to one’s self. It Va l e platform, so it had to be all kinds of cool and actually-listen-to-it “I Don’t Want to Be Here is not often that an album as accessible as this interesting. But it wasn’t. Anymore”. These two tracks in particular might makes us feel and resonates with us as deeply as The central problem with the show is confi- serve as gateway tracks to those who would oth- one does here, but MUNA successfully navigate dence. There’s nothing in the first episode that erwise avoid rock music, slowly creeping up on into our feelings by reaching deep down into our hooks you to Julian’s story and its potential them until they found themselves jamming to consciousness with this record, all the while being mysteries. The new character played by a guest the whole record. one of the most politically charged pop albums of telling a new story format only really serves to Three years in the making, it is evident that the year thus far. ◆ distract from the interesting bits (hearing about Lower Than Atlantis have put everything they have the show itself ). The production is good. And into Safe In Sound. Their career has been ten years the voice acting is good. But there are a million of extreme ups and downs, but I have no doubt that podcasts out there that boast both. this is going to be the fuel they’ve been looking for They left me wanting more. But not more that will get them the recognition they truly de- of this particular show. More of something serve. ◆ better. ◆

[34] ARTS REVIEWS

Mimicry Revolt. She Said. Are You Sure? Journal Issue #2 THEATRE REVIEW BY ASTRID CROSLAND JOURNAL REVIEW BY MALINNA LIANG Revolt Again. THEATRE REVIEW BY ELOISE SIMS

The first thing you notice aboutMimicry is “I don’t think Alice Birch was hugged enough as a It is the perfect time of year to get out into the how indie it is, from the hipster-cool cover to child,” my friend murmured to me. We were sitting streets, especially for what was billed to me as the short edition notice—that isn’t a bad thing. in a stupor as theatregoers filed out around us— a “choose-your-own-adventure theatre experi- Publication for a young writer is hard: either weakly attempting to make sense of the post-suf- ence.” Silo Park and the surrounding Wynyard because you’re a young Hemingway or because fragette hellfire we had just seen on the stage. Quarter combine industrial architecture with you’ve read too much Hemingway and should Revolt. She Said. is a Silo Theatre interpretation a surprising number of bars, making it exactly stop. Most writers find their voice and style pub- of British playwright Birch’s anarchic magnum the right setting for the tightly paced, para- lishing somewhere smaller first.Mimicry should opus. Starring Sophie Henderson, Michelle Ny, noia fuelled, ambitious piece of theatre Are be applauded for providing that platform, but Amanda Tito Fasitua Amosa (the one bloke) and a You Sure? sometimes the question is: just because it’s in- shitload of watermelons, it’s a series of increasingly Your first choice comes after a quick dependent, should it sound independent? It’s a dark vignettes that discuss the frank possibilities of briefing about the world you are about to mode of publication, not a school. sex, marriage, rape, and motherhood in 2017. adventure into. You join the Seekers, a group Mimicry shines when it’s cutting, and it’s cut- The play opens with a terrifically smutty skit dedicated to uncovering and understanding ting when it’s young. Domingo’s Cutting Words is on empowering dirty talk. a group called the Watchers. You are given a slice of life of an obnoxious guy who criticises “I wanna make love to you,” Amosa beams. three basic paths: learn; recover; defend. I his dad for xenophobia while obtusely practicing “How about making love… WITH… me in- spotted a cipher in a character’s hand and a different strain himself, a generation removed. stead?” Henderson suggests wryly. instantly knew who I was going with. The It’s good satire; because we all know that guy, be- The play only builds from there. A scene on natural show-off in me was ready to play cause you need to be young and familiar enough the idea of marriage as a device of ownership master code breaker/detective/genius. With with that culture to get it. Mimicry is also good strikes home superbly, whereas another about a map, a cipher and a QR scanner, we were when it’s personaReid’s Auckland Queers (a very being a woman in a typical workplace neatly ex- out on the streets and looking for an infor- poetic loneliness), Tamatoa’s Brown Ashes (work poses the ludicrousness of the “you can have it mation drop. Our guide, Kim, had all the fre- to live or live to work?), Tse’s Punctum (the in- all” mentality. netic energy of the splintered true-believer. visible good minority). Intricate prose and atmo- But it would be wrong to take Revolt. She Her attitude was infectious; she encouraged sphere is abound in Gaudin’s The Hum of the Sun Said. as a tidy, comprehensible piece of twee our paranoia, bouncing off everything that and Scott’s Marimba. feminist theatre. At the very moment you feel caught our group attention with such ease As a journal, however, there’s room for you have a grasp on this play, it slips away from you couldn’t help but wonder if one of them growth. No journal is the sum of its parts; think you. I would not recommend it for anyone who was going to walk out and ignite some sort of of the editor as a spinal column, and each piece has a specific fear of strobe lighting, or actors practised B-Story. a vertebra. There’s a place and time for each and squeezing water bottles filled with fake blood More than anything I was reminded how some pieces don’t belong next to each other; everywhere, for instance. to play. How to just go with it, have fun, and some are decidedly epilogue and others climax, The play culminates in an epilogue of utter trust that wherever I ended up would be just as and the right bracket can amplify the effect of anarchy—with smashed watermelons, flashing exciting as where I was now. But just like that, each piece. There are several pieces that could lights, bizarre dialogue, screaming, and even it just… ended. I waited around to overhear have benefited from some clever shuffling.Mim - a bloody-mouthed tribute to Bill English’s “I what had happened to the others when we left icry is not without talent; it’s not even without wouldn’t call myself a feminist” quip. The unfor- the Silo. I wish there had been a scene of re- an eye for talent, but it is perhaps lacking an ear tunate consequence of that was, however, that union with the other groups where we could for rhythm. ◆ many audience members were palpably shell- have learned about the other plotlines and shocked and blinking when the house lights maybe collaborated on some final secret be- flared back up. fore being released from the fantasy. Perhaps Revolt. She said. Revolt again. But only, in part because I wish it had lasted longer—I perhaps, if you can live without making sense would absolutely do it again. ◆ of it all. ◆ [35] QUESTION MARK’S CORNER

Issue One Quiz Easy (one point) 1. In which decade was Auckland’s Sky Tower completed? 2. Which NFL franchise won Super Bowl LI in early February? 3. The assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand sparked which event?

Medium (two points) 4. Who replaced Sir Jerry Mataparae as the Governor-General of New Zea- land? 5. The Turbos represent which region in the Mitre 10 Cup? 6. A signal of impending expiration in humans, by what term are ‘terminal respiratory secretions’ more commonly known? 7. Which actress co-wrote and starred in the 2004 filmMean Girls?

Hard (three points) 8. If Air Force One is the official plane of the President of the United States, what is Marine One? 9. Which seven countries were singled out in the now infamous ‘Muslim Ban’? 10. Who was the first female graduate of the University of Auckland?

Herald’s Heroes Every week we’ll trawl the comments section of the Herald Facebook page to find the hilarious, the repul- SUDOKU sive, and the outright absurd. 1 6 7 4 9 2 This week we have Todd throwing in his two cents on the newVanity Fair pho- toshoot featuring a topless Emma Watson. Comments were, understandably, 5 8 7 6 9 1 flitting between the horrifically sexist and the passionately defensive. Todd falls somewhere in the middle. He defends her right to bare all, citing a previous nude 5 3 photoshoot (correct, as she posed topless for the 2013 book Natural Beauty) and a previous porn film, which we personally don’t recall but have narrowed it down 4 1 8 3 to either UK Nude Celeb Emma Watson Upskirt Pussy And Nippleslip or the time- less classic amature emma watson lookalike gets hot facial, neither of which will 5 7 8 be listed on IMDb any time soon but seem to have had a lasting impact on this young history enthusiast from Christchurch. ◆

2 5 3 4 7 6

6 8

Somalia, Syria, Iraq and Iran 10. Kate Edger Kate 10. Iran and Iraq Syria, Somalia, Answers 1. 1990s 2. New England Patriots 3. World War One 4. Dame 5. Manawatu 6. Death rattle 7. Tina Fey 8. The official Presidential helicopter 9. Libya, Sudan, Yemen, Yemen, Sudan, Libya, 9. helicopter Presidential official The 8. Fey Tina 7. rattle Death 6. Manawatu 5. Reddy Patsy Dame 4. One War World 3. Patriots England New 2. 1990s 1. Answers

[36] [37] the people to blame.

EDITORS Catriona Britton & Samantha Gianotti [email protected]

SUBEDITOR Hannah Bergin

DESIGNER Nick Withers

SECTION EDITORS News Eloise Sims Community Rebecca Hallas & Meg Williams Features Ginny Woo Lifestyle Nikki Addison & Grace Hood-Edwards Arts & Culture Anoushka Maharaj Columns Caitlin Abley Games Mark Fullerton Visual Arts Isobel Gledhill

WRITERS Caitlin Abley, Jack Adams, Nikki Addison, Catrio- na Britton, Yasmin Brown, Michael Calderwood, Michael Clark, Astrid Crosland, Mark Fullerton, Samantha Gianotti, Jack Gradwell, Rebecca Hallas, Grace Hood-Edwards, Laura Kvigstad, Malinna Liang, Anoushka Maharaj, Jordan Mar- getts, Eloise Sims, Meg Williams, Chris Wong

COVER ARTIST Isobel Gledhill

ILLUSTRATORS Mark Fullerton, Isobel Gledhill, Josh Hart, Kate Mitchell, Hope Nobilo, Nathan Wood, Julia Zhu

SHADOWS “CONTRIBUTOR OF THE WEEK”

Malinna Liang Head to Shadows with your ID to redeem your $50 bar tab!

CALL FOR WRITERS AND ILLUSTRATORS! Flick us an email at [email protected] if you’re interested in contributing.

FIND US ONLINE www.craccum.co.nz  Craccum Magazine  @craccummag  @craccum

EDITORIAL OFFICE 4 Alfred Street, Private Bag 92019, Auckland

ADVERTISING Aaron Haugh | [email protected]

The articles and opinions contained within this magazine are not necessarily those of the staff, AUSA or printers.

[38] AUCKLAND UNIVERSITY STUDENTS’ ASSOCIATION PARTYAND THE UNIVERSITY OF AUCKLAND PRESENT...

IN THETickets on sale now $25 UoA student $35 Non-UoA PARK plus-one WEDNESDAY 8TH MARCH FROM 4PM - ALBERT PARK FEAT.

AND

SACHI , KINGS, SUMMER THIEVES

FOR MORE INFORMATION VISIT [39] WWW.ORIENTATION.CO.NZ Great back to UNI Stationery Specials

Save Fabriano notebooks 20% Because behind every great * grade is a great notebook! * High quality Italian paper * Lines, dots & quads * 2 sizes, 3 formats * 8 colours

Great price! Save * 33% Subject Exercise Books Great savings!!! Vivid A4 Ringbinders 200* Leaf Value Pad Now from Assorted Colours Usually $5.99 each Usually $5.79 each $10.99 each Now only Now only 2 for $7.99 $4.49 each Specials available until 19 March 2017 or while stocks last. All prices NETT - No further discounts apply.

UNIVERSITY BOOKSHOP Kate Edger Information Commons Corner Symonds & Alfred Streets, Auckland Central Tel: 306 2700 Fax: 306 2701 Email: [email protected] Web: www.ubsbooks.co.nz Open Monday to Saturday or shop securely online 24/7