Dramatis Personae Chris McCabe and Tom Jenks Argotist Ebooks 2 Cover image by Chris McCabe and Tom Jenks Copyright © Chris McCabe and Tom Jenks 2014 A rights reserved Argotist Ebooks 3 This is a se ection from the five co aborations written by Chris McCabe and Tom Jenks for the Camarade pro$ect between 2011 and 2013. Thanks to SJ Fow er, the curator of the pro$ect, for initiating and supporting the co aborations. Thanks a so to Mark Cob ey whose Red Cei ings Press pub ished the first co aboration as Gnomes in 2011, and to Sophie ,er-heimer for costumery and other visua input into the performances of this piece. 4 Dramatis Personae 5 The fo owing is a se ection from co aboration 1, written in August 2011 Avai ab e at http.//cmt$maintenant.wordpress.com This se0uence was pub ished by Red Cei ings Press with the tit e Gnomes. 6 THE LONDON FINGER 1hy did you put your finger in your mouth in 2ondon3 I didn’t put my finger in my mouth in London. 1hose finger did you put in your mouth in 2ondon3 I didn’t put anyone’s finger in my mouth in London. 1hose finger was it then3 4Chris McCabe5 7 RADIO PLAY ,op-scotching dog shits on the pavement. Knots of bronze. 7ou know about the white ones3 The white ones? 1hite dog shits. What? 8utcher9s bones : turns to ca cium in the intestines. How do strays get the butcher’s bones is it a Beano chase? It9s not the strays, they eat out the back of the baker9s. People own these dogs? They et them out to shit $ust to keep their a eys c ean. The strays live better without the love. Did I te you my granddad invented the poopscoop3 No. ,e ripped the sponge from his wringab e mop and put a p astic bag there. Patented? No, he kept it the co our it was. 4Chris McCabe5 8 4Tom Jenks5 9 The fo owing is a se ection from co aboration 2, written in December 2012 Avai ab e at http.//cmt$camarade.wordpress.com 10 GOLD, A PLAY FOR TWO VOICES SHAKESPEARE: 2et me not to the marriage of true minds Admit impediments. HADLEY: 2ove is ike a high prison wa . SHAKESPEARE: 2ove is not ove HADLEY. There9s something I cou d have earned, 7ou9re indestructib e SHAKESPEARE: 1hich a ters when it a teration finds, HADLEY. S ow y being eaten away SHAKESPEARE: Or bends with the remover to remove. HADLEY. Just another p ay for today SHAKESPEARE: O, no> it is an ever-fi-ed mark, HADLEY. Go d> SHAKESPEARE: That ooks on tempests and is never shaken; HADLEY. A ways be ieve in your sou SHAKESPEARE: That ooks on tempests and is never shaken; HADLEY. 7ou9ve got the power to know SHAKESPEARE: It is the star to every wandering bark, HADLEY. 7ou9re indestructib e SHAKESPEARE: 1hose worth9s unknown, a though his height be taken. HADLEY. Thank you for coming home I9m sorry that the chairs are a worn SHAKESPEARE: That ooks on tempests and is never shaken; HADLEY. Go d> SHAKESPEARE: 2ove9s not Time9s foo , though rosy ips and cheeks HADLEY. Go d> SHAKESPEARE: 1ithin his bending sick e9s compass come; 11 HADLEY. A ways be ieve in your sou SHAKESPEARE: 2ove a ters not with his brief hours and weeks, HADLEY. After the rush has gone SHAKESPEARE: 8ut bears it out even to the edge of doom. HADLEY. 7ou9re indestructib e SHAKESPEARE: If this be error and upon me proved, HADLEY. I9m sorry that the chairs are a worn SHAKESPEARE: I never writ, nor no man ever oved. 4Chris McCabe5 12 LIVE COVERAGE MILTON: 1e come everyone on this fine bright ba my day indoors to what promises to be an evening of top tungsten-chucking of the highest c ass. This is the fina we a wanted to see. Francis 8acon against the one known as The Recurrent Sausage. And as they sett e in with their warm-up darts it must be said Chris that 8acon is odds-on favourite for this match having caused some ma$or upsets in these championships, proving himse f to be something of a Robin ,ood of the f ue-stems. CHRIS REA: ,e9s p ayed out of his pie-crust a week proving what we9ve said a a ong that in terms of stamina A upper-body strength darts p ayers are as fit as bo-ers or even ath etes. There hasn9t been so much e-citement since the Romans fed the Christians to the ions A he9s been p anting those arrows with the accuracy of a coup e of inter-continenta ba istic missi es. I don9t know whether he9 win or not. I think he wi . I know he9s ready for the $ob A if not, we , that9s $ust the way it goes. MILTON: 1e said Chris, A he9s proving us right with a good start here. ,e9s thinking ahead. ,e9s an inte igent man. ,e9s known to get the semantics A serifs of his dart tips into the sma est A most un ike y of p aces : ike throwing three pick ed onions into a thimb e. This guy is the comp ete a -rounder. he has musc es in p aces I don9t even have p aces. If it9s there to be found he9 find it A for risk of sounding a itt e racist, he takes no monkey business whatsoever. ,e9s scoring heavy here. Just ook at the concentration in those eyes. bu ging ike the be ies of a coup e of starving wrens. CHRIS REA: And birds are interesting aren9t they John, they say in darts you need a bird on your shou der but this guy has a who e aviary. The opposition9s emotions must be on a bungee string. MI2TON. I think we shou d $ust remind the viewers at home that we are not being partia here we $ust want the match to go on for as ong as possib e. Peop e ascribe this A that to this but it9s rea y about freedom of action A that9s what it9s about. Just take a ook at the side-profi e of that throw. the dart begins to spin even before it eaves his hand. The ha mark of a great p ayer. 4Chris McCabe5 13 WAITING FOR GODOT: ACT I A country road. A tree. Evening. Estragon, sitting on a low mound, is trying to ta)e off his boot. He pulls at it with both hands, panting. ESTRAGON: (Giving up again.) Name an orange vegetab e. VLADIMIR: (Advancing with short, stiff strides, legs wide apart.) An,(He broods, musing on the struggle. Turning to Estragon.) An aubergine. ESTRAGON: Name something you wou d p ay with in the bath. VLADIMIR: A baBooka. ESTRAGON: Name a dangerous race. VLADIMIR: TheC(He reflects.) the Arabs. ESTRAGON: (Irritably.) Name something a b ind man wou d use. VLADIMIR: (Hurt, coldly.) A sword. ESTRAGON: Name something you open other than a door. VLADIMIR: (Admiringly.) 7our bowe s. ESTRAGON: (Without gesture.) Name a domestic anima . VLADIMIR: A eopard. ESTRAGON: Name a bird with a ong neck. VLADIMIR: Naomi Campbe . ESTRAGON: Name something read. VLADIMIR: MyC(Decisively.) My cardigan. ESTRAGON: Name a type of bean. VLADIMIR: (Gloomily.) It is too much for one man. (Pause. .heerfully.) 2esbian. 4Tom Jenks5 14 LEECHES BUNTING: I showed you boys the way on pertry PICKARD: It9s pronounced poetry MACSWEENEY: Pertry/ PICKARD: Enunciate thus . po-e-try BUNTING: 8oys> PICKARD DAsideE Cant> MACSWEENEY: I heard that. It9s pronounced cunt. DEnter J.,. PrynneE BUNTING: ,ere9s Sykes, easy boys> PRYNNE: DStares broodi yE BUNTING: Poet appointed do not dec ine to wa k among the bogus PRYNNE: DDrops trousersE Got any eeches for this3 4Chris McCabe5 15 MODERNITY ON THE BUSES: A PLAY IN ONE ACT 0etting1 Lu2ton 3 District Traction .ompany bus depot. Dramatis personae1 0tan Butler, a bus driver4 Basil .heesman Bunting, a significant British modernist poet4 Inspector 5eremy Halvard Prynne, a British poet closely associated with the British Poetry Revival. BUNTING: The mystic purchases a moment of e-hi aration with a ifetime of confusion; and the confusion is infectious and destructive. It is confusing and destructive to try and e-p ain anything in terms of anything e se, poetry in terms of psycho ogy. BUTLER: Cor b imey> BUNTING: 1hether you isten to a piece of music, or a poem, or ook at a picture or a $ug, or a piece of scu pture, what matters about it is not what it has in common with others of its kind, but what is singu ar y its own. BUTLER: I was on y asking you to do the fo-trot, not b eedinF F2ast Tango in ParisF. BUNTING: To appreciate present conditions, co ate them with those of anti0uity. BUTLER: I didn9t know you co ected anti0ues> BUNTING: A ways carry a corkscrew and the wine sha provide itse f. BUTLER: Don9t ta k wet. BUNTING: Can a moment of madness make up for an age of consent3 BUTLER: ,ave you gone raving mad3 ,o d up. ,ere comes Prynne. 4Enter Prynne, limping.) BUNTING: IFm sorry you broke your foot. PRYNNE: (surprised) Thanks. BUNTING: It shou d have been your neck. PRYNNE: I9 get you 8unting> 4Tom Jenks5 16 4Chris McCabe5 17 The fo owing is a se ection from 0easide 0pecialG a set of iterary postcards produced in May and June 2012 Avai ab e at http.//cmt$thethird.wordpress.com 18 4Chris McCabe5 19 4Tom Jenks5 20 Act I of 7bu Roi, I Boris, a re-write of A fred Jarry9s 7bu Roi, paying particu ar homage to the 19I1 edition pub ished by Gaberbocchus Press.