ASMSU loses office space to Roller rink
Exponent l\1la11aging Editor l\Iichelle Toliarslti Caught it1 Love T1ia11gle
-With Hol(vwood Movie star Tim Roth and Communist leader Fidel Castro Cuban Arn1y on Alert ~:::mlllm'llfC'1~~....-
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• '' -l\hCBEltE TOK.\RSKJ;EXPO Er-1!\l\'1AC I 'C EDITOR, CO'l\ll"'ll T.D1 CO D\..,CFR '' This will change everything.
(left) Expc Editors ga around th newly d1scovere1 Dictionary the Renrn Library. Although discovery occurred late to hel this year, publicat10 plans full implemen of the boc the Sprini 2004. (Ce Exponent Editor Ma Hibdon la asleep af1 spending minutes reading tt tome sho following discovery Exponent discovers dictionary for the first tim
8) r'\,T\STll l\IO :\11t110GR "Ill K-Z Besides. poncnt :\ews Editor ~1. l:\pom 111 /Ille rnati111111/ 11 nit r o t h e r ~Iiddlebrooks. ,he :::a1 A ;\ISP com the word;; are really poiz In an exciting revela mittees like unles,; you·re tr~·mg to tion thi;; week. the Expo11c11t film::; haYe mes:;age acros,,.;. editors made a ::,tartling dis been operat .. It·,_ ju,,t a bun cover~ that may greatly im ing for year;; stoopid worch an1• proYe the qualit) of the stu without a :\liddlebrook,, ,,,nd ... ,, dent new'-'paper as ,1 whole dictionan the point un!e,- \Oujus a dictionary. and they·n, ing- to wnte a stOr) or f .. You may not know done ju,;t ticle. but senCl' \\ l'n this... Exponent Editor fine ... poople read the Exponc i\Iarcu,; Hibdon said in a top ·-rm not ne\\ "·?" secret in ten ie\\. ~And we sure the Ex Regardle;;s of the don't want word gettinti out ponent needs conw. the E.\ponent ha,:: to otlwr new,.;papers likc> the a dictionar~· tionar~. at least for mw Bozema11 Dail) Chron1cle but with 26 let plan:-; to u:::e it. then' 1:- a book out there that ter::; in it ... .. We plan to ust contains the correct spelling said the Tokar,-ki ::-aid ...At the of every word in the English A S ~I S C lea;;t ao- a really hem·> p language. I think it ·s called Senator. ··r weight or ma~ be a wea an encyclopedia." arrival of the new dictionary Howe\'er. ::-he said she think if they got a d1ctionar~ To Hibdon. ho'' en Hibdon and crew could pos:;ibly revolutiornze doubts the dictionary will with 24 or even 20 letters in dictionary is only par1 stumbled upon the dictionary production in the Exponent ha\'e much affect on quality it\\ ould be sufficient. Besides much larger plan. A pl while perusing the library in offices located at l\Iontana in the :\Iexico City and you can buy those at below rule the world. Anoth1 search of loose change and State University-Bozeman Rejavik offices. cost from printing compa cent acquisition shoulc low morals for the annual Ex as well as the Cairo. Egypt The use of the dictio nies." the Expo11e11 t a tremer ponent end-of-the:-, ear-party. and Paris, France branches. nary has become a hot topic Yet Hibdon and crew re ad\'antage over other pi According to Managing Edi "This will change e\'ery for many ASl\ISU senators main optimistic in spite of a ··It's a book that I tor Michelle Tokarski, the thing!" Tokarski said. and ASl\1 U ad mini 'tration recent committee formed b~· word then lists a bun as a result of the Exponent AS:\ISU to re,·iew the possi other words with the operating without their con bility of creating a board to meaning," Hibdon said sent. monitor a panel who will ana call it '\Vardy Book:·· Current I) the Exponent lyze a task force in charge of The Word~· Book is attempting to get a bill limiting and reYiewing dictio saurus) will allow the . passed that will allow them nary use. 11c11 t staff to Yar~· their 1 to use the dictionnr,!' as a tool. "This book has the an words to amuse and a "We certainly don't swers to all questions ... l\ISU students and the l want mistakes in the Expo Hibdon said. "Especially if OF THE WORLD.accord nent," ASi\1SU Pres1dt>nt thnt quc>stion relntes to spell Tokan•ki. ,Jared Harris said "But I'm ing and definitions. IlO\H'\'er. ...\Ve will use it to sy not :;ure that ASJ\ISU is here we haYe started to use the atically eliminate all cor to gi\'e the Expont'n t the tooli:; dictionnry ns a way to "ork tion:· Tokarski ;;aid k the:\ need to suceet'd. The 111 tlw challenging realm of cially competition in R 1 wa~· discussion is headed I alphabetization. but we"!! intramurnl basketball think we'll givt• tlwm letters ha\'e to see ·· time for domination h A-J but tlll'y.ll make another The only person not con Look out world- all '~e Exponent editors stand amazed dunng their first encounter with a d1ct1onary. pl'oposal 1f tlwy want to ui:;e cerned \\ ith diet 1onnry is Ex- to do now is lt'arn to rt..'• Excrement Friday, April 30, 1999 3 ti-Silloke: MSU sets record for tnarijuana bust incident. "If the bubble ILK) rlll PIMP doesn't fit, they must eml!nl U11derco1·a acquit. There is no word What was sup from state or university d to be another fine sources that indicates of Montana State • whether or not District versity tennis, un Attorney Marsha Clark the lights and con would be handling the J led air atmosphere prosecution in the case. he tennis bubble, On the home ed out to be a Ies front, with only one e in efficient police week of school remain k by over-concerned ing before the start of bers of DARE the final summer of the gs Are Really Evil). century, students at In what was the Montana State showed 1ination of a six mixed emotions when sting by members they learned of the bust ARE, three mothers On the north :side inst drug u,;e ofcampu near Langford med to center court and .JohnstonE' halls, tlw "ng the champ10n c1tt tude expres,,ed V.d'> match of the Bob one of cautioned opt1 'la ·" c tenms tour mi,m t:>nt and turnPd the "We ju,,t wan• to ament into one of ret that pot off our cam biggest manJuana pus, c;tick with under s in Montana his- aged drmkmg and abuse of fire arms, that "We knew for should be enough to Plhll< ) /.~) ·1 \i ""' l\H~l'I<· 11\) ll'llllRl\I \R" TllA\/ -e years there was The tennis bubble, where hundreds of MSU students recreate and play tennis every year, was subject to a massrve search keep any college stu eed hidden under where authorities found marijuana growing beneath the hard court floor of the structure. In addition to the search of the dent in Montana t floor of that com- bubble, more than six arrests have been made in what is quickly becoming the largest marijuana bust in MSU history happy," said Joel Angus, ,"said an unidenti- a first year resident of a source with DARE. "We been locked during the Christ dents and one pack mule will substances off our campus:· Langford Hall. had to wait long enough mas holiday break. reportedly cut the flow of mari the official said. "Drugs are Across campus, near the ave the opportunity to At the time of the arrest juana on the Montana State evil, drugs are evil, drugs are high rises of North and South e the bust in public, to there was no indication that the campus by at least half, until evil. .. " Hedges and Roskie Hall, the 1 it out of context as much three workers were involved in a new crop of freshman move The Facility Services em opinion on the bust was not as ;pssible. We had to have the the drug trade, but a photo by onto campus next fall. ployees arrested in the sting positive. and place to show as an undercover Excrement pho The bust, which mani have contacted super lawyer "Yeah man ... ,'' one stu y people as possible what tographer, taken in 1993 proved fested 200 fully grown plants Johnny Cocharine to handle dent identified only as J told Dens when you sin .. These that at least some of the Facil hidden under the floor of the the charges that are expected this Excrement reporter. le are sinners, so their so ity Services people had been in tennis bubble, goes down as to be brought by the State of " ... man, that ... man that d ·Karma' can kiss my volved in a marijuana growing the biggest bust ever on the Montana against the workers just. .. it sucks, that's operation in the tennis bubble campus at Montana State and in the next days. all. .. sucks man." The stmg on the tennis since the bubble was con one university official, who re "Hell, we figured if he A preliminary hearing on le began in 1993, after structed in the late 80s. fused to be named, is pleased can get O.J. off, he should be the arrests is scheduled for Facility Services work The bust, that eventually with the results of the sting op good enough to get the job done next week Stay tuned to the ere arrested trying to get led to the arrest of six Facili eration. for us," said Rick Spanker, one Excrement for more details on the bubble after it had ties Services workers, four stu- "We need to get these of the workers arrested in the the case. CAA unveils new, tighter fitting uniform styles
Kansas City (AP) - In an effort to align themselves even and will begin an ad campaign designed to with the laws and bi-laws of Title IX: Gender equality in sell the players as well as the game. astic sports, the National Collegiate Athletic Association Ad slogans like "Come see us 'Play' to \\A) made the announcement this past week that men's col night!" and "Fast Breaks: They Are Much More IJ)asketball uniforms are going to return to the styles of"sk.in- Fun Now!" will be appearing on television com 1 jerseys and butt-hugging leather shorts" made popular as mercials and billboards across the country paired 1 1le of basketball uniforms in the United States of America with images of young men dressed in tight-fit ) in the late 30s and early 40s. ting basketball uniforms. The NCAA announced "We felt it was time for the men's basketball uniforms to that the target audience for the new ad cam • a leap back in time to a look that was much more appeal paign will be females ages 13-26. nd revealing," said Don The NCAA announced that ~nna, assistant to the vice universities across the USA will st of the special commit- New be forced to comply with strict 1 uniform control and com- standards such as: Rule 12-2· "Uniform e for the NCAA. "It was uniforms, tops will be skin tight at all times and will be required to for these uniforms to be come see expose a minimum of 37.32 percent of the chest. Rule as provocative as the 1989-132: "Uniform bottoms will be no longer than 9.5 and dance uniforms are the inches total. Rule 1989-133: "Uniform bottoms will be e cheerleaders and dance Bobcats required to be at least seven inches above the knee at d members performing at all times. nme game. Title IX says play!! In a related release, the NCAA announced that \I.Ve to be equal, so we will the Now Imposing Kid Employment International Or ual." ganization (NIKE) (motto: small hands make tight e uniforms, used in the stitches) was the major winner of the NCAA's decision ew seasons in the National Basketball Association (NBA), on the new uniforms. NIKE's chair person known only e required to be in use by every NCAA school by the start as Player #23 announced that NIKE would be the pro 2000-01 season. A school or university failing to comply ducer of the new uniforms for every NCAA member uni .he new rule will risk forfeiture of all games. versity in the USA. 'We will make these schools comply or they are going to One other note on the new uniform styles: The last e price," McKenna said. ''It is not a matter of whether time this style of uniforms was officially used was by tike it or not, they have no choice." the Union of Soviet Socialist Republic (USSR) in the ln an effort to reach out to the fans of college basketball 1953 Eastern European Games (EEG) gold medal I; the USA, the NCAA is borrowing an idea from the NBA game loss to Poland. 4 Friday, April 30, 1999 Excrement Excrement investigative report reveals shocking policie~ Bookstore inventory: The Real Sto with Exclusive Excrement photos
Th P1 RR) NO\\ IA panties are in a bundle," said Edna, director of I 'rcrcm.:111 \I riter books for the illiterate and ignorant. Inventory has been ranked as the number 27th The trouble makers task that employees least down at the bookslore are like doing. at it again, this Secret, hidden cam time.. .inventory! The truth eras caught Bookstore em behind ISBN numbers and ployees on film counting bar codes has revealed a books and \Hiting the num t\\ isted web of blue aprons. bers down in organized graying hair and work pamphlets Some employees study contracts. were caught using elec An anonymous tip di tronic ZO machines to rected Excrement staffers count. Although Manager to the scene of the contro Frisby tried vehemently to Ye1·sy late Wednesday deny that any inventory was night. Investigative report occurring, the Excrement, ers noted bookstore em through investigative re ployees inside the store as porting, learned the event late as 1:00 a.m., long af actually takes place twice ter closing time. They were This book counter was captured via the Excrement BookCam Wednesday evening inside the bookstore a year. Frisby was speech allegedly "Gettin' after it!" less. Bookstore managers "We count books to were questioned early this keep our records straight morning but refused to and to make sure the num comment as to why em ber of books we've sold ployees were detained for matches the number of so long. books we have left in "Oh. well, we were stock,'' Frisby said. "In a conducting a inventory store the size of ours, In check. It took until almost ventory is very important. 2·00 m the morning. Say, We do it twice a year." you don't happen to know When confronted when the SRO opens?" with the controversy, said manager Mark Frisby lost his cool. Frbby. "Maybe you don't un Bookstore employ derstand," Frisby said. "Ev ees. usually sweet and pa ery store in America does tient were irritable and inventory at some point in cranky Thursday morn time. There really is no ing The erratic change in controYersy here and stop dispositions has been di taking my picture.'' rectly attributed to the When told by Excre stress induced by such Hidden cameras capture students counting ment reporters "'Yes, there high pressure situations books at the MSU Bookstore' is!" Frisby replied '' o as inventory. there is not." And so events "I didn't get to bed until almost 2:30 a.m. continued until bookstore security forcefully re That's five hours past my regular bed time. And moved Excrement reporters (and skinned my that bloomin' SRO still isn't open, you betcha my kneel).
Fri. '7.. SaL II.. Sun. 7 Fri. 9:15. Sat.1. Sun. 5 & 9:15
ASMSU Fiims llnfl&ld H"'W Id Hall 125 994-3312 $2 lor students W/ID S~f - ID $3 tor non-studen 1998-99 Exponent Commemorative Paper Plates
"Exponent Staff Lying in Circle"
"p·irst c oncert,, "Coach Hysell"
"Snow on Bike Seat" "Stu d ents on Steps "
The Exponent family officially authorizes a powerful collector paper plate celebrating one extraordinarily gifted Exponent staff.
Unequaled by any other newspaper. Representing the epitome of what is best about America. Now ac claimed artist Stewart Graham was personally chosen by Exponent Editor Marcus Hibdon to capture the Exponent r------, in a powerful collector paper plate. I Limited Edition Exponent Collector's Paper Plates. I "Exponent staff lying in circle." In the tradition of Hand-numbered and Bordered in tin foil. the most prized collectibles, the heirloom collector plate I I is crafted of fine paper and lavished with breathtaking The After Dinner Mint I shades of grey. It is hand numbered and bordered in 7 Smashed Asshole Lane I Pleasantville, PA 19009-0001 Safeway Brand Tin Foil and bears the artist's signature I mark on its reverse side. I Please, please for the Jove of God enter my order for Exponent Staff This Limited Edition collector plate will be closed I Lying in Circle by Stewart Graham. I need SEND NO MONEY forever after just 30 firing days. Available exclusively I NOW. I will be billed three installments of $19.99 plus shipping and from the After Dinner Mint, 7 Smashed Asshole Lane, handling. Limit one per collector. I Signature ______Pleasantville, PA, 19009-0001. I Mr./Mrs./Ms ______Order now and receive 3 more plates to add to I Address______your collection for the low price of $33.99. That's just I $11.33 per plate! Choose from such Exponent classics as I City/Stat~------"First Concert," "Students on Steps," "Snow on Bike Seat," I Telephone # ______I and "Coach Hysell." Satisfaction Guaranteed. If you wish to return any After Dinner Mini purchase, you may do so I within 30 days of your receipt of thal purchase for replacement, credit, or refund. I THE AFTER DINNER MINT The Collector's Choice in Heirloom Plates. L------~------~ 6 Friday, April 30, 1999 Excrement 1999 World Champion Magic Team crowned in SU
BY WLMBL) Ftv\(;Gl I pray for the victory." t 1crcmt•111 Spint11al Atfri. Helena Hell-Wizards, to win the North American PllOTO 8Y CAMERA cards. They are going back to the life of pla · Championship before defeating the London Occult An unidentified student celebrates a victory in the third cards, drinking vodka and smoking experimen in the semifinals. annual Magic Team World Championships held last drugs. Yep, they are going home, but they won In one of the most exciting matches in recent Tuesda ni ht. Staff of the Afterlife, now they go home as cham history, Spokane got by the Sao Palo Sorcerers in a ons." hard-fought five-game match. for length, taking an astonishing 13 hours to finish. Reporters with the Excrement office in Kevin Dennis wrapped up the title for Spo "My dad told me to never trust anybody with Palo attempted to interview members of the kane after he outlasted Soriaiainano Brazzierer of two first names," Jergens said. "But Kevin Dennis cerers, but as usual they were already practi the Sorcerers in the fifth game of the match. The came through for us tonight, he got the job done while anti-social behavior and strategy to be comple Dennis/Brazzierer game also set the world record the rest of us gathered around our wand of light to prepared for next year's tournament. These, along with oth- plant from the Hair Club \T-ball coach to sue 11SU for hair loss ers, are the accusations laid Men, an operation that 1 out by Gantt and his attor- a hefty $10,500 and com B' Tm ~rns McGrE the exciting action on the ney, Willy Shckland. in a let- sation for pain and suffe E1crl!mc111 5porrs Writer court did not come soon ter addressed to the athletic caused by the problem to enough to save him the ache department at Montana ing $4. 75 million. After seeing his volley he has since suffered State University, that was 1 Although Gantt ball team exemplify come In the five months since received by university offi- 1 ~vailable for comment fol back ability and nitty gritty 1 the Lady 'Cats played their cials last week. With the let- mg the release of the le heart to grab several five last game of the season, ter, Gantt and his attorney the press conference was game wins this season, head Gantt has seen a steady de- also announced their plans to short after the emotion coach Dave Gantt needed a crease in the thickness of his sue Montana State for the the announcement bee break to recover from the ex hair, and feels the excitement damage done to Gantt's hair- too tough for Gantt to han citement of the successful of the volleybal.l gam~~ as line. The pair is looking for Slickland. however, Lady ·cats season last fall. well as un1vers1t.y offtct~ls I reimbursement for payments have something to say. Unfortunately for Gantt are to blame for his receding to hair specialists totaling ''We just want to see and his hair, the break from hair line. $2,300, the cost of a trans- Jump for my love to pagel r- UNIVERSITY of OREGON A JAZZED BACCALAUREATE iS CELEBRATION SES SI 0 N Sunday, MAY 2nd, 6:30pm JUNE 21-AUGUST 13, 1999 at MSU SUB BALLROOM "A" ALL ARE WELCOME, iiuuJ ESPECIALLY GRADS! A grand Jazz orchestra, composed of w~!T"o.....-G'.1.~-r-.-:. · MSU and Bozeman area musicians, will be leading the "Light of the World" .) •> worship service. (Guest appearance by ..,.- ; . ; . ~ ~f~:t .- composer, Ralph Sappington) I 6J.' ' : •• Come and enjoy the warmth of some amazingly creative grace notes: a firm foundation for finals! A Word of "Congrats" from the President's Office: Dr. Rolf Groseth Lectors: Profs. Michael Beehler, Sharon Beehler & John Hermanson antor: Jeni Ramseth Keys: Brian Johnson Christus Collegium Campus Pastors: John Christophcr;on & Don Derryberry N Sponsond by students of Luthtran 6 United Mtthodist Book Your Summer in Oregon Prtsbytman Campus MmistritS at MSU. I 586 Jill http:/ /uosummer.uoregon.eduT Excrement Friday, April 30, 1999 7 '-Excrement forgets about page 7 )taff forced to insert cheesy group photo It wa,..n't all fun and According to Excrement News the story while everyone ames at the Excremerzt's Editor Martha Middlebrooks, squawked in her ear about ozeman branch Thursday ·When Michelle said, 'Hey you what they thought would be ght. In a moYe not unchar guys, let's run a group photo the best way to write the story. Whatever Michelle, ~teristic of the brilliant, if ab really big,' I thought to myself, P11c>1n Ill' Re~ I K •ntminded, stafT. editors for 'Yeah."' typed Martha as she threw Dn11c.1 K t to assign a story for page That's when Excrement Tokarski to the gound and in and formatters failed to Sports Editor Ian Costello tercepted the keyboard. But Heh the mistake. spoke up. "That's not gonna she wasn't strong enough to work! Hey, Michelle, how's hold off MicheJle's counter at "I was hntmg life at 4 in Excrement staff tack and the keyboard was e morning," ,,aid Excremerzt about I write a madlib letter poses for Clitor ~larcu,,.; Hibdon. "I to the editor. That'll take up soon back in the most capable makeshift photo ought we could jump that some space," he said. (and pretty) hands on the stafT. after waiting until ory about the long lost "Hey you guys hurry up! As the boys on stafT rolled the last minute to iends to page 7, then I real We're getting to the point their eyes, the women were design page 7 ed that then' wasn't enough where it doesn't matter what ensuring that page 7 was as last Thursday t to fill two pages. Then my it looks like." said Hibdon. good as it could possibly get at night. 'lee began to hurt." Tokarski diligently typed 4 in the morning. I ·------·I Excrement Mad-Libs ... I I I An Open Ended Letter to the Excrement Editor I I I Dear Excrement Editor, I I I can't believe you people refer to yourselves as a ____ college newspaper. I could do better by employing a(n)____ with a --,---stuck I ad1ect1ve anomal(s) frurt I ri their ____. People who work as hard as you ____ should be banished to -u-.s-S-ta-te- and forced to work for a ____ boss who would beat I body part anomal(s) swear word I ou like a ____-haire d step child. I color My cousin, who is married to my , lives in~~~~- and doesn't speak very good ____, but he sure as hell could put together a I family member Southern State language I etter publication than you ____ jack-____ I adjective body part(s) I Really, if you want to work like people in ____, that is fine with me, but if you wish to call yourselves a newspaper please be more-~-- I location feeling I nd take more time to read your _ _un-- and do a little better job --v-er..,..b-- the news. I 00 I I have seen better coverage of ____ m . Maybe you could learn something from watching~~~~ take pictures of I noun porno magazine -pl-ur-al-no_u_n- famous artist .,____ while they are not even wearing a(n) ____.At least if you were the people at us readers here in ____ at least could see : clothing same magazine Montana town show off and I ~~-t,-~-s/-ac-to_r_ __bod_y_pa_rt_ -bod-ypa_rt_ I Sincerely, I I I your naMe I I ------· ~llrd 0~ lnterhall RHA would like to congratulate the following 1998-99 ONE RHA Of the Year award winners and relay our sincere thanks to (ftf) EVERY nominee for helping to create a positive experience for STOP e><'.ce.Q.Qence our students: N R H H RHA President of the Year - Alan R Roos RHA Vice President of the Year - Chnstina Oliver RHA Senator of the Year - Richard Mozingo RHA Social Chair of the Year - Daniel Crockett ash Payroll Checks RHA Treasurer of the Year - Jason Stein RHA Secretary of the Year - Jennifer L Easton urchase Money Orders RHA lntemall Representative of the Year- Jeremiah Goll RHA Executive Officer of the Year - Enc Gomke RHA Person of the Year - Dustin Adams Horizon RHA Innovative Contributor - Scott Sterling 'oney Grams RHA Advisor of the Year - Josh Lambert RHA Lifetime Achievement Award - Greg Spritzer •9st-Dated Check Loans RHA Campu~wide Event of the Year - Hapner Formal RHA Hall Event of the Year - Rosk1e Hall Superbowt Party owest Fees In Town RHA Hall of the Year - Roskie Hall RHA Floor of the Year - 2nd Floor Rosk1e Resident Advisor of the Year (Male} - Jay Steiner Resident Advisor of the Year (Female} - Cori Dixon Award for Outstanding RHA Service - Anne M. Armstrong Staff Program of the Year - "Have You Ever Made Life Changes?" by Johnstone/Mullan Program of the Year - "A Difference of Opinions" by Jason Marks RHA Academic Involvement Coordinator of the Year - Jacob Becker - - - RHA Community Involvement Coordinator of the Year - Heather Shelden 1NTEltilALL Po:. t-dat~d ch,•ck /OQns Rt t 't \ D20 ~: Babcock, Bozeman • 582-4915 •Abo•IJ A fond farewell to Cheri "Wolfe" Johannes, former lnterhall RHA Advisor. Although she has moved on -· - to a new position, the strong foundation she has helped build and all her efforts will not be forgotten. Thank you Cheri! 8 Friday, April 30, 1999 Excrement Excrement wins page design awards at na.. . tional competition!!!! BY E:>.CRl .Ml:NT STAIF Art Director Sonya Highdon was quick "Squawk" Herver was sing to compliment his Rejoice, Rejoice, the Excrenient is ing a tad flat, the group staff for receiv- a winner. also received an honor ing the In the third annual convention for able mention in the awan.E college redneck newspaper design and barbershop quartet production, the Excrement was named competition. a first-place winner in the page design However, the division of the awards. day wasn't all 'We are so excited," said Excrement sunshine for Ex Editor Marq ''The Gell" Highdon. "I can't crement staff believe that our lack of dedication to ers. Miser learning anything at all about newspa able results per design finally paid off. Yeehaw!" w e r e The awards banquet, held this year achieved in Springfield, was hosted by billionaire in areas Montgomery Burns and was sponsored such as the by the fine people who drink Beer. swimsuit compe The Excrement was also nomi tition. nated for excellence in photography, "It's really too bad," headline writing and group cohesive Highdon said. "Normally we ness. Likewise. the team scored high score very high in the swimsuit but marks for breakdancing and. although this year the judges just didn't accept us for who we are." In the statement writ Montana Stalt ten by the judges of the head coach Cliff Hysell event, the Excrement was "Most o f (upper right) credited for "Unique lay the time I don't even re101ces at !ht out design coupled with a understand what the hell news of the brash attitude that can my people are doing,'' he wmmng only be described as avante said. ''They talk and talk awards Whil* garde... Their photos tell a the Voice of \ and talk, but I never lis the Bobcats• story of their own... The Ex ten anymore. But it is ob Dean crement shows people in vious to me, and now to Alexander the industry how a new (lower left) the rest of the world, that looks millenium of newspaper the people at the Excre design should be kicked ment are artists, and off." know exactly what they are doing." ~==~\\ ~ l J''~==~ FINALS WEEK SPECIALS Celebrate May 3-7 Spring! 20/o off Science Fiction & Fantasy Books Category appears below price on bar code 20% off All MSU insignia Items Includes glass ware, clothing, stationery; does not include sale items 40% off Ambassador Graduation Cards "Huckleberry" Simple. 40/o off All Markdown Books Category appears below price on bar code - all sales final/no returns J c h r1 e <' ' .\- sunnRn CE SHOES STUDEN T FACULTY OWNEO SINCE '193'1 1nready to roii llSU Roller Derby Team loses star skater warning me about McKormac's growing rage," Rothe 11 SPlCl·\L \1·\~ Jt'mt:111 Editt>r said from behind his bushy mane of blonde hair and mirrored sunglasses. Tragedy has hit the MSU Roller Derby team like Neil, who has been working with McKormac 10-pound jammer last weekend. during her two years at Montana State, said the two According to reports at the Excrement Interna are trying to get her eligible and that McKormac com lial office located in the heart of Hong Kong across pletely trusts his judgment. A close friend of both Neil street from McDonald's and the Yakima building, and McKormac, Tommie Lee, said the two have a very ·1team's star has failed a drug test. professional relationship. Doctors found Clarisse "The Thunder from Down "He's the one she's calling Dr. Feel Good," Lee said. ier" McKormac's urine sample had unallowable "He the one gonna make it feel right." ls of testosterone The real problem be 'ent. The current gan when McKormac 1allowed within the started threatening her ~e is .015 percent. female professor after om1ac posted levels Roller Derby practice last er 4't. week. ~she has more tes- "She made some in 1erone in her system appropriate advances," 1 any bull currently Rothe said. "But it wasn't peting in the College a big deal. It was really onal Finals Rodeo." blown out of proportion. /ince Neil said. She was just hot for (Above) MSU Roller Derby Team poses for a team photo However. John teacher." earlier this year. (Left) MSU Roller Derby Team gets rowdy e pretty boy with Likewise, McKormac during a photo shoot. Clarisse McKormac 1s pictured •es~ HankenWayne. stopped following his in second from the left. coach of the rodeo structions during practice ;i. refused to discuss as well. nobody, nobody," He said. "And I don't have a Roller irodeo or testosterone. "I said 'Jump. Go ahead and jump. JUMP! You Derby team either." "I can't believe CNFR got dumped over tobacco," might as well jump! JUMP! Just go ahead and JUMP!' However, the recruitment process for next year 1kenWayne digressed. "What a load of Mickey and she didn't do it," Rothe said. "She's been running looks promising to Rothe. He said the entire nation tse, Donald Duck bull honkey! @!#$%&. I can't be- with the devil ever since we lost our team captain last has some promising prospects, especially California. 1' it.~ year." "Now East Coast girls are hip I really dig those Anyways, that does little to help the Lady Roller's, With the loss of McKormac, the team is in dire styles t11ey wear. And the Southern girls with the way rently first place in the nation. However, according straits, especially ·with the international General Elec they talk they knock me out when I'm down there. rmer musician and coach of the team David E. tric PEPSICO Roller Derby tournament just weeks The Midwest Farmers daughters really make me feel e, there were definite warning signs of a growing away. Rothe said he really has no one to fill her shoes, all right. And the Northern girls with the way they em. or skates. kiss keep their boyfriends warm at night. I dig'em all "I'm just ajigolo but everywhere I go, people were '"Cause I ain't got nobody. nobody cares for me, but I wish they all could be California ... girls." President orders closure of ASMSU office1 /\.hRs11, BR.\ n extensive rug burns on his elbows .,-~mcm Stlf'<''''m and knees. According to Nurse Say "You \\in : Students who faithfully served on the Planning Committees Matthew McKamey, Erik Garberg, Nicole Chinadle, Jeremy Chamberlain, Sean Sandborgh, Bill Bury, Terry Hodgson, Forrest Huisman, Eric Challeen, Amy Byfield, and Jeremy Fritz ASMSU Senators, all of whom asked sharp questions and demanded straight-forward answers Jim McCray, Vanderbilt Law Student, and present EpiCenter advisory committee member Student Interns on the EpiCenter Project Nicole Chinadle, Kere Sheppard, Janna Betty, Matt McKamey, Sarah Morgan, Chen Fong Soo, Mark Stierwalt, John Bender, and Betsy White Student lobbyists in Helena, who taught others about the Project Jared Harris, Matt McKamey, Jeremy Fritz Students in CE 457 Class, for their outstanding projects Students in Architecture senior design class, for their work on the Cleveland site Students in Film and Television, for their outstanding recording of EpiCenter events Graduate students in Construction Engineering Greg Brice, Cory Fraser MSU Faculty and Staff, who served on the Planning Committees Bob Lashaway, co-chair Cecilia Vaniman, who manages the pilot project Dave Dooley, who chairs the pilot project committee John Miller, who believes failure is not an option Jerry Bancroft, who bas been there since Day One Adele Pittendrigb, who cares about health and human happiness John Amend, who teaches us all Doug Jost, who brings the engineering perspective and expertise MSU Faculty Members, for encouraging students and/or devoting their own time and expertise Anders Larsson, Doug Jost, Tom Wood, Mike Vogel, Giri Venkataramanan, John Brittingham, Bill Neff, Clarann Weinert, Deborah Haynes, Patrici Butterfield, Tim Dunnagan, George Haynes, Dave Young MSU Faculty and Staff, who brought something special to the project Bob Swenson, for bis never-ending vision and support Gary Strobel, for building a collection of Montana's past to enhance the project Audrey Thurlow, for keeping the Planing Committee in line and fed Bill Preiss, for work on grants and contracts Leslie Schmidt, for help with budgets Leslie Taylor, fr outstanding work on contracts Becky Mahurin, for advice on patents Tom Gibson, for advice on finance Rob Specter, for work on the industry partners program Laura Estes, for work on the National ReSource Center website John Lewis, for outstanding research for the project NASA Techlink staff, for bringing in the business Burns Telecommunication Center staff, for work on the website MSU Center for Biofilm Engineering, for design of an innovative wastewater treatment system Anne Camper, Warren Jones, Otto Stein Systems experts from MSU Office of Facility Services Museum of the Rockies, for being gracious hosts for industry partners and friends of the project Marilyn Wessell State of Montana Architecture and Engineering Division Tom O'Connell, Russ Katherman, Dal Smilie, Kathy Willis The Nation's Best Architects Place Arichitecture, Bozeman Berkebile Nelson Immenschuh McDowell, Kansas City , MO Industry Partners Coordinators Gottfried Technology, Inc. of San Francisco, CA David Gottfried RahulYoung Huston Eubank "Green" Consultants Center for Maimum Potential Building Systems, Austin, TX • Plioky Fisk Harvard School of Public Health, Cambridge, MA • Dr. Melvin First SuperSymmetry, Inc., Navasota, TX• RoaaJd Perkins Solar Design Associates, Harvard, MA • Steve Strong Clanton Engineering," Boulder, CO • Nancy Clanton Design Synergy, Nashville, TN • Ray Mullican IDEA, Kansas City, MO • Kelley Cramm Hal Levine and Associates, Santa Cruz, CA • Hal Levin EpiCenter Honor Roll Solar Design.Associates, Cambridge, MA • Steve Strong, Joe McCabe continued bbyists, for keeping the EpiCenter in front of Congress Van Scoyoc Associates, Inc. of Washington D.C. Stu Van Scoyoc Carolyn Fuller tate of Montana Governor's Office, for business refen-als and support Julie Lapeyre, Linda Reid tate of Montana Secretary of State's Office, for encouragement and spreading the word Mike Cooney orthwest Environmental Business Council, for rounding up dozens of businesses Linda Brander tate of Montana Department of Environmental Quality, for being there since 1993 Lou Moore riends of the EpiCenter project John Robinson, Somerset, U.K. Damon deLaszlo, London, England Robert Hefner ill, Aspen, CO wrence Berkeley National Laboratory, .for the excellent evaluation of ideas and concepts Steve Selkowitz, Dale Sartor, Karl Brown, Charlie Williams, Rich Wilson J.S. Department of Energy, for providing on-going supp0rt and public encouragement Mark Ginsberg, Deputy Assistant Secretary Ernie Moniz, Under Secretary 'able News Network's Captain Planet Foundation, for a grant for educational outreach tf.ission Mountain School, Condon, MT, for developing the CNN program ational Institute of Standards and Technology (NIST), Gaithersburg, MD Dr. Jim Hill, for overseeing the entire project Dr. Hunter Fanney, for scientific evaluation and encouragement talmquist and Palmquist, Bozeman, for outstanding design 'urner Construction Co., Seattle, WA, for on-going consultation and encouragement 'arrier Corporation, Syracuse, NY Rick Fedrizzi, for being a major supporter across the country · her Hamilton, Inc. of Two Rivers, WI, for being our first industry partner dustries who sent representatives to MSU and who are exploring opportunities to be our partners: AFM Paint, Alpine Industries, Armstrong, AT&T, Autodesk, Ballard, BartteUe Pacific Northwest Laboratories, Bovis Construction, Chicago Metallic, Collins Pine, Corbond, Eco-Bale Construction, Edsall Construction, Flow Safe, Forbo Industries, Genlyte/Lightolier, Haworth Herman Miller, Holophane, HoneyweWPhoenix Lab Solutions, IBM, Interface, ISEC, Johnson Controls, Kanta Products, Kawneer, Kimball, KR Office Interiors, LS Power, Inc., Labconco, McCarthy Construction, Milliken, Nielsen Dillingham Builders, ONSI International, Osram/Sylvania, Owens Coming, Rochester Midland, Silicon Graphics Inc., Solarex, SPACE, Steelcase, the Durst Organization, Timberweld Manufacturing, Universal Air Tehnologies, Viracon, WattStopper :IST Research and Development Partners: Fisher-Hamilton, CHA Corporation, Wyoming Sawmills, Headwaters Composites, University of Idaho/Boise Cascade, Solar Design Associates, MSU Center for Biofilm Engineering, MSU-Northern, Lawrence Berkeley Laboratory wcky Mountain Institute, Old Snowmass, CO Bill Browning, for extolling the project as important to the nation Amory Lovins, for providing volumes of resource on "green" S. Green Building Council, for touting the EpiCenter as a national model and selection the project as a LEED pilot project 'lvironmental Protection Agency, Region 1 and Region 9, for showcasing the EpiCenter ouses and friends, who listened more than they wanted and still smiled otana Congressional Delegation Senator Conrad Burns and staff, for continuing financial support Senator Max Baucus and statT, for encouragement and support Representative Rick Hill and staff, for referrals and encouragement Id l:SU President Michael Malone and tk President's Executive Council, for everything. :hcerely, kth Williams . tecutive Director "le EpiCenter Project It feels so GOOD! To be loved by you Long lost friends reunited at Montana Stat 8) \\ \\ \\ .LO,GLOSTIRll ,D.CO\I Spl'CICl/ to rhe E.1cre111<·111 Sanchez. ''Un~ tunately. I ne , They were classmates for two semes learned to read so mv c ters. They lived in the same dorm. ate in the respondence with Ne\~·m -ame cafeteria, and both had a love for was ended when lhe phone co Salisbury steak night. What Loretta anchez pany cut us off a month after and Newman Bealle didn't realize is that for moved in to our new place:· three short years they also shared a childhood As fate would hm·e 1t. both Bealle until they were separated by circumstances be Sanchez ended up at !\I L'-Bozeman. yond their control. "I can't read. \\-rite or do math. but I doh "I always noticed Loretta at Sunday an opposable thumb on each hand. and I think th brunch in Johnstone. but I didn't kno" what made all the difference as far as admission g who she was.~ Bealle smd. "Boy could Bealle aid. she put away the bacon and eggs." Sanchez, too, has opposable thumbs. According to Bealle. it Both Bealle and Sanchez are excited at the prosp wasn't until Sanchez beat of getting to know each other again. So far, they have tala the hell out of the 1unch long walks around the duck pond. and stared at shiny e lady that he began jects together. The two also plan on coordinating their b to recognize her ing schedule, and ASMSU has formed a committee to 1 as his long into the possibility of voting on making nomination lost child a committee to oversee the possible creation of ab hood friend. ing committee which would clear the way for a What fol ed bathing in the Residence Halls for old frie lows is a se- "We're very positive about the possibilit ries of whatever it is you just asked about:' said ASl\ events so President Jared Harris. "We're working vi touching it could hard to make it seem like we are an im~ move even the hard tant part of what happens at this uni\·er · est soul to tears. "People keep asking me if there' "After the romance between us:· Sanchez s fight. I was eating "I'm like. no man. we just my dinner while baths. \Ve also like alisb tryrng to dislodge steak. but no one question [lunch lady) about that." Rosemary's teeth out As for Bealle. he just w 0 ofm~ hand. and. ewman approached enjoy the time he ha" \ me." Sanchez said. "I thought he was Sanchez. anotht:r ROTC recruiter. so I potirl·d "I feel like God ga\'e me a g-reat big t-, I Captain Crunch and milk on m,:. head gift, only instead of wrapping it in gift \\ whih.> singing Karma Chamelt•on and he wrapped it in Captain Crunch and p rubbing my breasts to make him think girl in there with crunchberrie:- in her hi I was insane." and I feel like a captain of a ~hip nght o But Beale didn't walk away. els I'm the captain of a ship called the Titru so many ROTC recruiters had done onl,:. I'm nol gonna sink because of an in the past. He stood before berg. I'm the King of the World.- Bealle SI Sanchez, searching her eyes. but couldn't speak. Sophomore Kylie \Vogle wit nessed the exchange. "My first thought was 'here we go again,'" Wogle said. She added that Sanchez's lunch room antics had become legendary in Johnstone, and related the story of the time when a case of mistaken identity led Sanchez to dropkick her roommate. landmg her in the lemon pudding. But then something incredible happened. "It was almost supernatural. man. ewman took my hand and right away I knew we were going to take a bath in the back sink," Sanchez said. Hand in hand, lhe two shed their cloth ing on the way to the back sink as stunned Food Service employees. watched, many of them growing misty al the sight of the long lost friends reunited. "It wasn't until we were both crouched in that little sink that I realized m~ naked bath ing partner was Newman, my old nexl door neighbor," Sanchez said. "By that time. all I could do was weep for 15 minutes in a row." Bealle and Sanchez had bee>n neighbors in Billings from the time they were 3 until the,:. were 6 and had shared many ad\'entures until Sanchez's mother got an offer to JOm the man agement team at Ilardees in Boise, Idaho. "H was an offer she cou ldn't refuse," said Excrement Friday, April 30, 1999 13 os t in love omance is smoking in Cuba in a love triangle that transcends continents Yo She has re the competition for her fair hand has fused to com turned ugly. Roth, a close foend to many remt·111 lntcr11a1io11afl' Qooot ment on the in the Pentagon, has requested increased economic pressures on the struggling is Exponent Managing Editor s i t u ati o n . la nd from n one oth er t h an M r. helleTokarski is in love .. with such films as H o w e v e r , so u rces Cassan ova h imself-Bill Clinton. 'J men 1 Reports from the Ex- "Reservoir Dogs" 11en t office in Havana, Cuba and "Rob Roy."' claim s h e Castro, in response, has initiated a lib Tokarski with Communist "Michelle is has the com eral recruitment campaign to wage ac .. ty lead<'!" Fidel Castro, while wry much in love munist tual war against the man he refers to as don sources report spotting with both men," leader cry "the bastard." The army is currently rnrski sharing an intimate said a person ing for her seeking anyone over the age of 6 for what ment with movie star Tim who once met her love, quite appears to be an extended campaign. h m a coffee shop in Sussex. fir>:>t grade literally. \Vhatever Tokarski's choice, one hdel Castro M1Chelle Tokaro;ki Sources close to Tokarski in- teacher Sister Likewise, A thmg is certain: The grass is always te the young woman is deeply Agnes Rita. "She spokesman greener on the other side of the iron cur bet·ween her desire to honor her knows she has to make a decision, but fo r Roth has professed the Hollywood tain. Hopefully there won't be any blood .-xist ideals and the "irresistible wrin that won't happen until she sobers up." actor's undymg love. What's a girl to do? shed-(Tim and Fidel, here's a hint: forehead" on the quirky actor from As for Tokarski, mum's the word. But boys will be bovs. P redictably, Tokarski is a pacifist!) Funkalicious n-depth intervie\-v "ith one of Helena's best kept secrets all over a homies name. I can't get my beats to the 10 du£cremall big time cause those suckas got a oonflict wit' my last name: Skoal bah): G-m&"ter Skoal was born on the hard streets Q. Skoal, why do you talk like a rap artist but ;t Helena. His music speaks of a difficult life only play in front of C-Ountry and Western crowds? weren't easy for the future MSU superstar A:. It's like this. The true thugs in East Hel p legend. This spring, Skoal has been mak ena all claimed 4H. They got me started but they ves due to a general doubt around campus only let me rap about Chevrolets and the Budweiser his authenticity. Apparently some of the out or else they would toss my ass you know! te students have laughed out loud at the star Q. So they ,;ewed you as a joke during your fuse to oome to his shows. early years when you were had alabaster flesh? Velvet Hourglass , campus papparazzi, re A; Yeah 'ti! I busted, those crackers Jake and tracked Skoal down for an interview. Need Dobbs in the barn nekked wid a prize 4H bull, }~1u can't heat th,:1 <)ea!! say, the artist V.'3.5 in his usual drunken stu- Sheeeit. They was the pres. and secretary of the school chapter, know what a'm sayin'. Well I bribed ,.-1 qwzfL'ty b/k.t• at a loll' l'!zd pn~·e. Q: It's been a crazy year for you hasn't it, Mr. them and they ended up backing my first album. • LIGHTWEIGHT FRAME Q: Wasn't it called "Wrangler Set Playa"? •ALLOY WHEELS · I've been pulling· 187's on these cans of A: Yeah it got me started, I made enough • SHIMANO COMPONENTS dt all nigh• partner. Ifyou want to talk about greens off that album to oome to MSU :~;night, y .u. should have seen that hizzo I got Q: Well you have managed to gain a following •COMPLETELY ASSEMBLED & ADJUSTED t night on campus. what do you attribute that to? •FREE FOLLOW-UP SERVICE My God you are a despicable human he A: Free beer and a lot ofAg majors baby. Them • LIFETIME WARRANTY 's get over that though. Tell me what changes tricks love me. Especially after suckin' down cold • SALE PRICED! ou made in your music this year? 40's. 95 ·It's like this, I be startin' to tour the rodeo Q: Well it's been ..different talking to you REG. 246"' NOW ONLY 179 . The big been arenas been sweatin' me, like, Skoal. mey ain't dmm with the C-Openhagen siznet. A: Than.ks Velvet. I play mad and it's thanks : Do you mean the C-Openhagen company? to people like you 's that I can get my name out. I'm Owenhouse ~iCE HaTdwaTe ~-1$.Nl.S-C....111"111 ·Yeah fool. C-Openhagen. Dem' buster's trip out. 36 E MAIN • DOWNTOWN BOZEMAN • 587·5401 $ % s New to the area?? THE RIGHT CHIROPRACTOR NEED EXTRA MAKES ALL THE DIFFERENCE. MONEY? EARN $18,000 BOZEMAN BACK & NECK CLINIC PART TIME! 214 Norrh 11 th Avenue • 586,0275 A w1m ujfic.:s locaceJ m Sure you co Bu> 5X6-tJIJ~l • Re 85- 1271 •I ax ~86-%21,. l'cl· <111 7542 WWVio 1mag1ncmontana com 14 Friday, April 30, 1999 Excrement r------1 GET OUT OF H ELL FREE CARD I This c.ud is offered to all Excrement readers ,1s an MSU scientists I I insurance policy on the after life I Present this card to a tan upon your arri\ al in Hell and discover boots I be ready for an all-expense-paid trip lo the Pearly Gate .. After spending more than a hundred I Thank you for reading this issue, and believing.. . years hiking through the fore:- beet bo\\ b • LI 1Jch.cn bu\\ ls • L llrl). ho\\ b vq.~gIL' bu\\ ls • nooclll' l>o\ \ ls .. .I )ig or srn STATE GAMES 110\' your O:\'E CARD for: 30 cents ott c\ ~n1c11l bll\\ I SCHOLASTIC BASKETBALL &VOLLEYBALL I dollar ort a large bo\' I The weather's not all that's hot this summer! 10llcnahd ~l,1\ 3 s l Play in Montana's Largest Tournament! THE. ""' .ippht ~Ible 1( \\tclJ\ ~x"Cial Girls & e~r!i!~s~ketball csr~ss-12i St.c.Rt.T 585-0234- : B1lhn9s, June 5-6 • Great Falls, June 18-20 CARDEN Bozeman, June 11-12 • Havre June 5-6 , 15 '\" college • Butte, June 11-12 CNo 5th'.\ oth grade) dine-in • ktkc-out • • Glendive, June 25-27 • Wh1tef1sh, June 25-26 - Finals- • B1lhn9s, July 16-18 come see us for Girls Volleyball (sracies9-12i - Regionals- Graduation flowers. • B1lhn9s, June 18-19 • Great Falls, June 25-26 Thanks for a Great Year! • Bozeman, June 5-6 • Missoula, June 12-13 -Finals- Have a Super summer! • B1lhn9s, July 16 See you in the fall! The This ad provided courtesy ot: WE DELIVER on Campus celebration Saturday, May lst 11 :3()ain • Food & Drink Specials • Strolling Mc.u·iach1s • Photographs by Winslow Photograph) • Piiiatas at 12:00. l :00. 2:00, 3:00 & .+:00 • Buy a button for a chance to wm over l 00 pri1es including $500. Proceedsfro111 button sales go to Heart.\ & Home\". o /oca/ 11011-pn~fit agencr. ''Cinco putt'' Patio open weather pem11lfing. for cash_ on our patio! SANTA FE REDS 1235 N. 7TH AVE· 587-5838 Excrement Friday, April 30, 1999 15 Supernatural Susan Champ the MSU mascot: Looking Astrologer to the Stars Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. Leo (July 23 -Aug. 22) for love in all the wrong places U8) Somebody's out to get you. Schedule in some fun on your :Every time someone laughs, calendar this month. Ifyou are BY CHUCK CHUCK Bo BucK Mexican immigrants, who discovered evidence of a :hey're laughing at you. Every- on the corner of 7~ and BANANA FANANA Fo had been washing towels for much longer affair. ne knows. They're watching Harrison and a big rock falls Excrement Love Colu11111isr the Montana State track An MSU investigation :wou and they think you're act on your windshield, it probably team, from the Immigration revealed that the affair be g weird. Avoid marijuana to crune from the tree. Don't look Well spring is in the air, and Naturalization Service. tween the two mascots began ay. too far for explanations. and it seems that once spring What he found, however, was some time in the fall of 1997 is in the air, love tends to fol much more shocking. and blossomed from just an Pisces (Feb. 19 - March Vu-go (Aug. 23 - Sept. low quickly. Locked in a passionate occasional sexual encounter 1'20) Motion is not in the stars 22) When the person sitting Apart from the hustle embrace under a mop and into a feeling of deep trust or you today. Avoid moving as next to you in class starts his and bustle of and love for r.mch as pos.sible. Exercise your chainsaw and doesn't shut ifoff a busy fall one another. :Iominance over things that are for the whole hour, you become and winter of Love 3IDaller than you. annoyed. Don't sweat the athletics, the "Here we are as a university encouraging our that puts small stuff life of a col some univer Aries (March 21-April students to hate those bastards in Missoula lege athletic sity officials l9)The attention that you give Libra(Sept. 23-0ct. 22) and our mascot is sleeping with theirs... It just mascot can in an abso "Ourself may be attention you Today, you have telekineses. be pretty ain't natural, a bear and a cat, things just don't lute uproar. ~mid be giving to a small furry Don't miss this opportunity to boring, and fit. Think about it." " Here nammal. As Saturn collides cause as much damage to the sometimes it -University Official we are as a vithJupiter,itis a good time to university as possible. Also, to can be des- university tay home and eat oatmeal with day would be a good day to do perately Q-tip. nate $100 to the Exponent encouraging lonely. our students to hate those managing editor. hose rack in the closet, mash Taurus (April 20 - May But don't you fans of bastards in Missoula and our ing their oversized heads 0) Do you find yourself rob (Oct. 23 - Nov. ''There is someone out there mascot is sleeping with Scorpio against one another, were ing up against inanimate ob 21) You are an oversexed per for everyone" get depressed theirs," a high ranking Mon Champ, the mascot for Mon ? It could be time to rub up vert who really brings out the and write some more alter tana State official said. "And tana State and his new found gainst human beings. Later, ''hor" in ''horoscope." Exercise native music yet, because it it just ain't natural. A bear seems that even mascots find love toy, Monty, the mascot e the change in your couch some self-restraint today as and a cat - things just don't someone to love. for the University of Mon d treat yourself to a trip to the stars tell of a high prob fit. Think about it." Athletic director Chuck tana Grizzlies. Agents for the two mas ~e arcade at the mall. ability ofcontracting commu Lindemann opened a door to Although neither nicable diseases. But you cots released a joint state a storage closet in a hallway Champ or Monty were avail Gemini (May 21-June probably have most of them ment this past week, re-af in the Brick Breeden able for comment, university 0) Today is your day for food already. firming the mascot's love for officials investigating the in oisoning. No matter what Fieldhouse last week, look cident from both schools have ~e Love page 16 ou eat, the sickness is still Sagittarius (Nov 22 - ing for a place to hide two oing to get you. Don't be Dec. 21) Laugh at Funda aid to eat raw chicken to- mentalist Christians today. y, it really won't make a dif- They think they know every thing, those goofy bastards. Hair loss: Gant bla1nes MSU for tress-related hair loss Also, tell them that you're co11t111111:d fiom page 6 Cancer (June 21-July gay. tice done," Slickland said. versity were available for com The case, brought in civil ) Let's get ready to rumble. "Here this poor man lost his ment, but one member of the court, is set to begin July 1. ;on't keep it all in this month, Capricorn (Dec. 22 to hair, and somebody has to be janitorial staff in Shroyer Gym Slickland felt confident e out your anger and frus Jan. 19) Today's not your day. at fault No matter how a per announced that he felt Gantt that the trial would be over tion on the first person you Aiming for mediocrity might be son is \Honged, someone is al had been losing his hair for and Gantt could return to his . That was their time up aiming too high. So sell your ways at fault and they should years, but that MSU should be head coaching position before ere, their time. This is our self short and get used to the be forced to pay, and pay big." forced to pay for any unneces fall practice starts for the Lady e down here our time. word ''failure." No officials with the uni- sary harm Gantt suffered. 'Cats in August. hen it's time to ack up and Spend your summer with us! By getting a head start and taking your General "The Future is Education Classes (required at all colleges) at FVCC, you will lighten your class load, improve Yours to Create" or replace an existing grade, and have a lot New Student Orientation more flexibility in your schedule next year. July 30 or August 11 Call 756-3847 to register. We General Registration May 27 · June 4 ~eclallze Summer Classes run June 7 · August 13 In Here are just a few of the classes being offered: flHICklng 0 Intro to Psychology 0 Intro to Philosophy ancl 0 Intro to Sociology 0 Intro to Chemistry lpplng 0 College Algebra 0 Creative Writing 0 Trigonometry 0 English Comp. small PiiCk7eelt 0 General Biology 0 Technical Writing loads. (PACKING & SHIPPING CENTER) 0 Field Botany 0 Advanced Comp. (id located conveniently in University Square 0 Bus. Communications 0 Microeconomics between Albertson's and Staples 0 History of Western Civ. 0 Am. Government Flathead Valley J~ustom crating and packing 0 US History 0 Political Theory Open 6 days COMMUNITY COLLEGE .e>ackaging supplies-boxes, tape, foam. a week 0 Montana History 0 Public Speaking 777 Grandview Drive PS • PARCEL POST• AIR EXPRESS Mon-Fri 0 Intro to Criminal Justice Kalispell, MT tGKJNG SUPPLIES • GIFT WRAP 8:00-6:00 406-756-3822 Check out our entire summer schedule on the web: fJSTOM PACKING• PRIVATE MAILBOXES 1-800-313-3822 Saturday www.fvcc.cc.mt.us www.fvcc.cc.mt.us 587-0558 10:00-3:00 (click on course schedule to see all course offerings) [email protected] 16 Friday, April 30, 1999 Excrement Love: MSU mascot caught in compromising situation with Grizzly mascot, Monty co11ti1111t!d {10111 pag< 15 one another. have learned that the two be able to tell the mascot, The statement in mascots are heading on a any information that the·, cluded pleas to students 12-day tour of ancient Rome '>VOU Id need to pass a test or and faculty at both univer and Italy before returning Rome, so there is really on , sities to allow them to live to school fo r the football and one reason for them tog. a wonderful and happy life volleyball seasons next fall. there, but we don't need t together, without interfer "This just isn't right,"' talk about SEX in front ence from the public. the MSU official said. "It's the CH IL DRE N." . "We just want to be not right that they are to In a related news re alone now. we ::.pent all fall gether in the first place. but lease, the Excrement staff - and winter pretending to 1t pisses me off eYen more Butte has learned that therr hate each other, now it is that they are going to Rome seems to be a pack of bear time for us to head off, and Why in the heck wou Id looking cats, or cat-loo ·1 spend some time apart from someone go to Rome other bears, no one is really sure the judging eyes of Mon than to learn about things, hanging out at some of th tana," the statement read. and these two are involved Butte High School spnn With the help of the in athletics, so there is no events like prom and a r~ Excrement office in Rome, reason for them to actually P110To n' J" "Goon Joci.." T11 ''llE PTA bake sales. University of Montana and learn something. A tutor The equipment room 1n the Brick Breeden Fieldhouse where Champ and Monty went from rivals to lovers. Montana State officials here and in Missoula would Effective May 3, 1999, remaining spaces for Reserved Parking Lots will go on sale. There are a limited number available, with the majority in the following lots •West Linfield •East Linfield •North Fieldhouse Why did the chicken All purchases must be done in person at the cross the road? University Police Department between 8:00 am and 5:00 pm To get things a little Monday through Friday. cheeper, of course! FAMILY AND GRADUATE HOUSING 138 West Mendenhall • 587-7283 ANNUAL YARD SALE When: Saturday, May 1, 1999 9:00 a.m. - 4:00 p.m. MONTANA MOUNTAIN CENTRAL RESERVATIONS I H C 0 a , 0 a A T I 0 Attention Students, Faculty & Parents Where: In front of the S.0.8. We take the hassle out of planning a trip to Montana. We will handle all your planning, bookin gs, travel, recreation and lodging arrangement. Barn on West Garfield on Call one of our travel planners today. 888-7864485 the campus at MSU. 406-586-5800 Fax 406-586-2100 Excrement Friday, April 30, 1999 17 CITIFIED SPINIMAIN E A I D C I T E E M A I L N G E ATTENTION! A N E W R E N E -w I ~ 0 0 N MEMPHls•c A L G A R Y SW Montana residents attending MSU, A C E R B H I S • M I A M I 0 if you'll be in the Butte area for the summer, BOLT !BamrNUN.POMPON .. YUL.TEHERAN•POE check out Montana Tech's summer courses! SPEC I E•OA'Jj/"ALER M E N L 0 • S L Y A L E R T A G A N A. J I B *Tech offers a full range of classes, C H I C A G 0 • P A L E R M 0 0 A s T I'OR L ON R E A L including core, genersl education O S L 0 R E E S E T E N D T H E N A S S E T A L E S and other specialized classes Answers from Tuesday, April 27, 1999 *Register in just a few minutes *Summer classes are small and the atmosphere is relaxed *See a complete schedule on our web site at WWW.MTECH.EDU your Summer session starts May 24th email [email protected] or call 1-800-445-TECH for details Trade your clothes Free Pregnancy Test * Confidential *No Appointment Needed for clams. Pregnancy Caring Center yes! Above Western Drug 586-9444 • RN THE SECRETS ·oF EARLY CHILDHOOD EDUCATION WITH I 'NE OF THE LAST LIVING STUDENTS OF MARIA MONTESSORI CASPARI MONTESSORI PRESCHOOL EDUCATION COURSE 6 WEEK SUMMER COURSE BEGINS JUNE 14, 1999 ENTRAPMENT at Goodfriend's Montessori in Bozeman Or Bisabetti Ce.span SAT-SUN MAJ 1:00, 4:00; WEEKDAY MAJ 4:00; Guest Lea11ref NIGHTlY 7:00, 9:50 · PG· 13 ~ ..,, is such s priVllege to leam the Montesson method as she taught it '" 1005 W. Main IDLE HANDS Nancy Jo McElroy. Ownel and Duector. B1lllngs Montessoo Bozeman SAT-SUN MAJ 1:10, 4:10; WEEKDAY MAT 4:10; NIGHTLY 7: 10, 9:40 · R QI Jeslgned for educators, aspiring teachers, Montessori teachers or 585-9952 assistant teachers, parents and everyone who loves children. MATRIX SAT-SUN MAT 1:00, 4:00; WEEKDAY MAJ 4:00; • Learn how to apply Montessori principles to your current NIGHTlY 7:00, 9:50 · R c:o or future work with children LOST & FOUND SIDf-0 • Take this first vital step towards Montessori preschool SAT-SUN MAT 1:15· NIGHTLY 7:15· PG·13 certification that can be completed locally FORCES OF NATURE Go Ahead .... DAILY MAT 4: 15; NIGHTlY 9:45·PG·13 Caspari Montessori Institute, a non-profit educational organization, LIFE 1s affiliated with the Pan Amencan Montessori Society. SAT· SUN MAT 1:05, 4:05; WEEKDAY MAJ 4:05; NIGHTlY 7:05, 9:45. R rimo • ace is limited. To apply call (406) 582-4820 1 0 THINGS I HATE ABOUT YOU Make YOUR Reservation's SAT-SUN MAT I 10, 4:10; WEEKDAY MAT 4:10; NIGHTLY 7:15, 9:45· PG·13 Sl!IEO For Graduation or BABY GENIUSES SIDEO Mother's Day TODAY! SAT-SUN MAT 1:20· NIGHTLY 7:20 · PG $ )~~. CALL· TWIN DRAGONS 51!!!0 ~~ 587-2901 DAILY MAT 4:20 NIGHTLY 9:40·PG·13 . NEVER BEEN KISSED SAT-SUN MAT 1:05, 4.05 WEEKDAY MAT 4:05; , e}; LC Staffing Service NIGHTlY 7:05 9-40 · PG· 1 3 Sil® 582-8795 - We can help you find Full Time, Part Time, Short Term and Long Term work. Call Us Today! LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL SAT. SUN. MAT 1·45 4:00; FRl·SUN 7·00, LC Staffing Service 582-8795 Q:JO, MON· THURS 9:30 · R BFF PRESENTS: ;enera/ Labor• Clerical• Professional• Production • Co11structio11 THE INHERITORS MON·THUR NIGHT 7:00 · R 18 Friday, April 30, 1999 Excrement Montana State University stu_dents claim to be happy Spam/ to the Eicremem In a shocking announcement this past week, Montana State University officials announced that the majority of the students at MSU are happy a statement in direct opposition to recent public opinion polls. · ·' The announcement of happiness by the officials produced startling results after a public opinion poll, taken last week, showed the majority of MSU students are "pissed off, yet lack the motivation to correct any of their problems'' all of the Lime. The poll, conducted outside several Bozeman area bars, asked students to rate their happiness in three areas, on a scale from one to ten. Several students questioned were unable to stand under their own power but seemed happy all the same. The poll's three areas of emphasis on happiness included questions on same sex friends. opposite sex friends and whether or not the individual owned a Chevrolet Cavalier (the happiest t?ar on Earth) This poll was sponsored by General Motors and ASMSU Senate. Further investigation on the happiness controversy is pending. Specialty Pizzas Meat lovers Pepperoni lovers Fiesta Toco For Delive1y, C'arry-()ut, Or Dine-In Supreme Veggie lovers Bozeman Hawaiian 586-8600 708 W Babcock Double Cheeseburger 587-9500 2300 W Main or Create Your Own Toppings Add on ... Belgrade Breodsticks 388-8800 7001 Jackrabbit Ln Buffalo Wings Salads . s ' y I ~ .· ·------··------.The Big Nel:1J Yorker Pizza . 11 large Pizza Rny Woy You Wont It $10. 99 I 1 Topfcmg Only · · • ' 11 Up to 3-Toppings or Specialty• Pizzo ~ I . . 9.99 . 11 2nd large Pizzo only $8 • I With family or~er of Br~odst1cks \. 11 •specialty Pizzo: Supreme, Meat lovers, Hawaiian, P-OC~a I & 2-hter Pepsi '\.~ 11 Pepperoni lovers, Double Cheeseburger, ::-I.I t I . $13. 99 . . V . I I Fiesta Toco, or Veggie lovers -iIU O.W.'V dKJrg ·------··------(406) 994-4590 Business Manager Paris Hodg on (406) 994-2206 Sales Manager Brian Hauer (406) 994-2432 Cla ified Sales Melodie Abel Classifieds (406) 994-2614 Graphic De igner Sara If\ in (406) 994-2253 Fax I HELP WANTED HELP WANTED HELP WANTED ANNOUNCEMENTS Wanted .. An excellent sum Growing Furniture Manufacturer Bon Marche is looking for a GreenTree Apartments Rhvthms Drum Store mer staff. Waitpersons, cooks, looking for: motivated, creative, individual Now available, affordable, Hand Drums and Percus dishwashers, motel desk clerks, Production Workers for a PART-TIME VISUAL DIS 2 BR unfurnished. Free sion Instruments from room cleaners, P{T or F{T, year Management Trainees PLAY position. Must have pre water and garbage. N P around the World! Congas. round or summer, will work Day and Evening shrtts available vious retail experience. Wages month Close to MSU. 11o4 Ashikos, Djembes, around school schedule. Apply Pay DOE D.O.E., excellent benefits, great Montana Ave. Phone 586~ Doumbeks, Frame drums in person. Lewis and Clark Mo 401 K, Vacation and Medical people, great atmosphere. Summer Student Partial Ho and more at affordaole tel. Benefits. Apply in person at Please apply in person at the Scholarships available. prices. 10% Discount for 35660 East Frontage Road, business office. E.O.E. Students. Come see us at WAL-MART Bozeman. Available May 1st. 3 bdrm, i Studio 215, the Emerson, *PT and FT permanent modular. Close to Montana AmeriCorps program 582-5473. cashier positions. Starting ANNOUNCEMENTS $850. 586-7471 seeks volunteer coordinators for wage - 6.00 hr. ten month assignments begin· Tarot Readings *PT and FT summer help, Will you be here this summer? ning September, 1999. Living Silver Dark Sky Do you have any free time? Large 2 bedroom ap photo lab. Starting wage - stipend, education award and ment. No smoking or p 6.25 hr. Individuals or groups Bridger Clinic has openings for health insurance. Training pro 585-5403 volunteers. Call 587-0681. You pay 1 /2 the ut11itie Interviews in LAWAY vided. Closes 7/30/99. For ap $525+ deposit. Call 58" Tues. 5 p.m. plication contact Volunteer Mon The stench comes closer and The classifieds are magically 1049 for more informati Wed 9 a.m. tana! at (406) 542-5061. closer as the Excrement nears. delicious. Try some. 'ishing for "Suckers" at the MSU Duck Pond HTY S~lll rienced. so I quickly packed up my stuff, flung ""II' 0111dor1n Co1111111111i.11 her over my shoulder, and headed home. After about five l10w·s of knee-weakening The fishing and babe watching at Mon- labor, I was nearing the completion of my work. a State·s duck pond is exceptionally good I had some trouble stuffing her at first. but with 1 year I was getting tired of just playing a little practice, I got the hang of things. A my tackle anyway, and I wanted to actu- couple of my friends even came into the room put m~ old. trusty rod to the test. I could to give me some pointers. and they even showed elieYe Lhe .. action·' that I got 'Nhile fly-fish- me the best ways to de-bone her. I did not know 1 t the pond just the other day. I could not that you had to do that when you were done. so ' e out if it was the lucky hat that my friend I was very grateful for their presence. I prob an lent to me. or just the day/night crawler ably would have been I was using to bait in the suckers. but the stuck there for 1 that was soon pro\·ided left me coming hours if I did not ._for seconds. ha\'e good friends Of course. I had to throw back the like that. Man, only few that I hooked, but as in Montana will you i as I landed a good ::-~--i;;;;;::~llil...~find friends like that. Jd sucker with big lips, I that I had to take her home and nt her over my desk. Initially. I could !lreally tell if it was male or female, but it Fi- mot bend mv rod too much, or give me nally, I h play. so I j~st knew that it was a she. I was done, '€ to the conclusion that she did not put so I hung her much of a fight because she had been on the wall to ·ed a lot by some other lucky fisherman. look at in the future. flipped and flopped around a lot at first. I knew in my heart ias soon as I remembered what my dad that I would never for taught me, I had no problems with mau get that day. especially ling the beast. My dad had always told since she was my first, 1 hat if you hit her over the head as soon so I had my roommate ou land her, that she will not put up a take a picture of me ,, and you can do whatever you want with holding her by the mouth. I then laid As soon as I got a good hold of her, I dovm to go to sleep, and , ged her back into the trees. I did not want I had nothing but 'lf(.1 Dn ·t any blood by the pond anyway A little good dreams for the Lefty Smit enjoys nice outdoor weather at the Duck Pond for his first vas watching my every move, and I felt a whole night. I had big fishing trip. Smit was lucky enough to land himself a big sucker embarrassed because I was a bit inexpe- gotten lucky. early 1n the day and have more fun with it once he got home. xodus: Frogs reclaim Duck Pond, Homeland Bozeman fAP) - After years of tolerat keeled-over birds was at 10. at lea!>t two of :;upport the duck::: recein•d from campu:; of ing discrimination, segregation and merciless which were reported to have been hit by a blue ficial in the past. they were sure to control species cleansing. the frogs of the infamous Che\-rolet Cm·alier. No licence plate number the uphea\'al. .. duck pond~ had enough and reclaimed their was taken. and it is :;till unknown a~ to whether Three days of fighting resulted in a duck homeland in a violent coup d'etat last week. or not the driver is affiliated with the frog:;. surrender. The white flag went up late yester Led by the rebel General Ker Mitzkovitch. 1\1r. Toad. a Colonel with the 32 " ranger day afternoon amid a flock of solemn ducb. the amphibians infiltrated water fowl territory. frog division, attributed the ground victory to After conquenng "the poultryn as posing as peaceful allies. They stormed the "ad\'anced tank Mitzkovitch referred to them. he gaw an ad banks of the pond bearing gifts of rice and bread clrivmg skills and dress to the defeated crumbs allegedly soaked in arsenic. Unsuspect wet sprockets." flock. mg ducks feasted on the tainted Wonderbread After buckets "You're nothing and Uncle Ben·s from approximately noon un of Pepto-Bismol. the but a bunch of til 2 p.rn. quacks! See. you're Aft e r not so mighty now! great suffering. The myth of the mainly of indi ducks as "the one" gestion, the has been dispelled! ducks did all Fellow frogs, let they could to there be no mis lounge on the take! Ducks don't surrounding make bathlime so grassy area of much fun! o the pond. See longer will we tol ing that the erate the injustices rule of the which we have in reigning force the past! We will had been fight for equality! severly weak Frog crossing signs ened, the frogs on 11lh avenue and then made ag music to accom gressive moves pany us when we to gain the do! Frogs, we must u'pperhand. band together to G e n . keep the pond that Mitzkovitch or has always been dered his leap ours'" ing troops to use As the frogs whatever means rejoiced, the ducks necessary to could do nothing control the feather-bearing enemy. ducks condition remained unstable and the but remain lying on the lawn in disbelief over Aside from gastro-intestinal dysfunc outcome looked bleak. their losses. tions, reports of broken bills. slnney feathers "Sufferin'succolash. I thought we coulda Memorial services for casualties have and backs no longer able to repel water were taken 'em,"said Daffy, a spokesman from Gov. been scheduled for early next ·week. Send all filed vvith infirmary attendants. Don's office. His fellow cabinet members, donations and n~wers .to the audobon soci At last count, the casualty rat.e for the Huey, Duey and Louie agreed that with the ety. What were hey t ninking? You just read lht' enrire Ercremem issue! \You deserve n c(iOt..lt'. L \\hat )vu just ,'11\\ was an ~tttcmpt ! alheit pitiful m pmb) 1l 'il1e lp~u1enf staff ro make you laugh. After a long year 156 is:-.ue-. lottog). we needed a break and like yon \\c needed t(1lm6h ..i ourst•fves. So pka1>c Jo not take t.1ffenst imd please du not call the Edttor). lf you are ,)ffrnded at This issue of the Excrement is brought to you be the letters "S" and the letta "E" Also. by the number 7. The Exrrement is not /ccepting Letters Tu The Editor agam until the fall, So put a sock in ii. Editor • 994-2455 Marcus "Pay Attention To ME! Watch ME! Watch ME!" Hibdon Managing Editor • 994-2224 Michelle "Call The Cops, There 's Rocks In That Tree" Tokarski News Editor • 994-2551 Martha "Did You Separate The Seeds From The Stems?" Middlebrooks Features Editor • 994-3840 Betsy "I Haven't Slept All Year" Runge Sports Editor • 994-5482 Ian "Man Did You See That Simpson's" Costello Art Director • 994-2614 Sara "Material Girl" Irvin Photo Editor •Roger "I'm Hadng A Bad" Dey Fonnatters Todd ''The Phantom" Baker; Shannon "Come Help Me With This .. Casserly, Thomas "Assman" Anderson Graphic Designers Emily "I Hate Your Music" Conley Photographers fay "The Cute Goofy jock" Thane Sol "40 Proof' Leonard Sales Manager • 994-2206 Brian "How Hard Would It Be to Change E1•erythi11g At 4 In The Momi11g?'' Hauer Sales Representative • 994-2206 Paul "Down The Hall" LaMarche Business Manager Paris "France" Hodgson Assistant Business Manager I rn ll'ilh 110 small regret that the Exponent ::1.taff b1d.~ Melodie "Misery LotJes Company" Able its /inc. /ar1<11•ell to Exponent Photo Editor Roger Dey. /'lfter Advisor I hn•e years <>f dC'dicated Se/Tll'C (and co11sta11t lwl!I· aching!, Carol "Have You Seen That Beanie?" Ferrie RogPr mo1•es on. 1'i.m ll ill be 1r11ssed