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KSMC World Domination Plot Foiled

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KSMC World Domination Plot Foiled The Collegian Volume 109 2011-2012 Article 22 3-27-2012 Volume 109, Number 22 - Tuesday, March 27, 2012 Saint Mary's College of California Follow this and additional works at: https://digitalcommons.stmarys-ca.edu/collegian Part of the Higher Education Commons Recommended Citation Saint Mary's College of California (2012) "Volume 109, Number 22 - Tuesday, March 27, 2012," The Collegian: Vol. 109 , Article 22. Available at: https://digitalcommons.stmarys-ca.edu/collegian/vol109/iss1/22 This Issue is brought to you for free and open access by Saint Mary's Digital Commons. It has been accepted for inclusion in The Collegian by an authorized editor of Saint Mary's Digital Commons. For more information, please contact [email protected]. BROUGHT TO YOU BY JAKE'S FACE INSIDE N Real facts and sto­ ries now included! Ilegian • SPORTS: If it's not basket­ ball, it's not news MAR 2 8 Z011. www. WeStil!DontHavea Website.com Mo-Town, Cali SUrt ~ry's College IT'S TUESDAY!!!!, April 1, 201i Volume CVIII, Number ii GWAR and Odd Future to play Gaelapalooza College to College calls on trash metal band and controversial rap grou~9 pJo¥Jptertainment build $5 mil llJ D11 FICllr parking garage Doctor ofJournalism blf Ehall IBtroP If you happen to see zombie Bookkeeper demons, mutant pigs, Gila mon­ sters with laser guns, a strung It seems that commuter students' out caricature of Sid Vicious, problems are finally coming to a close. and what seems to be a young Last Friday, the college's administra­ Wu-Tang clan skateboarding tion announced that they had found a around campus during Gaela­ solution to combat the parking prob­ palooza, don't be alarmed. This lem currently plaguing Saint Mary's. just means trash metal all-stars In an official statement the school GWAR and LA-based hip hop outlined their plan. At its basic level, skate crew Odd Future Wolf it's very simpk; the school will be al­ Gang Kill Them All are drop­ locating funds to pay for a brand-new, ping by to entertain the student $5 million five-story parking garage, body. The College announced which should be completed by the fall today that the two acts will semester. However, the future location perform at the yearly event, to of this structure has people perplexed. be held May 5 on Chapel Lawn. It's no secret that Saint Mary's is a GWAR, who are famous for small college, both in student body size their alien costumes as well and the actual size of the campus. The as spraying crowds with sup­ college's location amongst the East Bay posedly fake blood, audience hills makes it difficult to expand, with decapitation and in general the most of the school's property already most deplorable and heinous developed. Thus, as school authorities stage antics known to man, will outlined in their statement, in order to begin open festivities on the build the parking structure something GWAR and Odd Future are teaming up to play this year's Gaelapalooza. chapel stairs at 12 p.m. A 150 on campus must be demolished. The ft-tall stage will be erected the thing they've decided must go? The night before by mental patients. just about everyone with their which we are not at liberty to crowd will surely explode with library. It will replicate an underworld controver::.ial, hypcr·1..hild15l publish) and will hand them o nefarious activity antl g n ral The em val l•S:-:C!QtOpj[iteff;:~;;;;;::;;::~~oi: prison where psychotic butchers antics. These guys at the entrance dur­ debauchery. Keep in mind that and furniture will begin over spring will begin to disembowel liars, are revolutionizing ing GWAR's show. Public Saftey will be on duty for break, as crews have been hired to get cheats and heathens. Sacrificial the rap game and As a Health & neither of these events, because the project finished as soon as possible. donations will be encouraged. play by nobody's ,.,~.,.....,. Wellness announce­ they will be dressed as the psy­ The actual demolition of the building Once the show. begins GWAR rules. Earl Sweat­ ment, Tyler the Cre­ chotic butchers at the GWAR will occur in the last week of April. Red will typically fight dozens of cy­ shirt, the group's ator, the group's show. see GARAGE, p666 borg creatures, demon animals, apparent prodigy, front man will typi­ After the show, attendees can and sacrilegious icons, climb who has freshly re­ cally poor buckets join the bands for an autograph obstacles like rope nets and fake turned from exile of Madagascar hiss­ signing and unveiling of the new 'Condom man' walls covered in chicken blood from Somoa and ing cockroaches on stained glass window (pictured, until they destroy the bad guy has been touring the front row and left) at the chapel, donated by on the loose boss with ear shattering rock with the group, encourages fans to Mr. T, who has recently been n' roll. will be making his pick up smoking by spotted attending Saint Mary's llJ Gloria Fraidan Opening the show will be OF­ You Tube-famous throwing cartons of basketball games at McKeon Activista de Rubio WGKTA, who seem to offend milkshakes (the contents of cigarettes into the crowd. The Pavilion. What's that out on the tables of Oliver Hall? It's a pack of gum! It's a really weird balloon! No, it's a condom! KSMC world domination plot foiled Yes, the rubJier prophylactics have been seen in General managerI cult leader Corey Fedor arrested following FBI confrontation abundance on bv Quaalude Nastv stockpiling weapons. Collegian Chief Copy Saint Mary's -Alternative Dubstep Critic In reply, the staff members, with Editor Anthony Gotti was campus lately, . the help of a mystery man they refer seen attempting to lug a but why? No, The usually quiet college town of to as "Wilhelm the Sound Guy," file cabinet full of back the ceiling Moraga was catapulted into national barricaded the doors and windows, issues down the hallway, hasn't started news late last week refusing entry to all. They issued an declaring that he would raining con­ Under the leadership of the on-air statement declaring that they not allow his archives to doms, and the strangely charismatic Corey Fedor, had been hoarding food supplies be blown up when the school defi­ the staff of KSMC, the College and "Snapple" ever since the on-line Feds got tired of waiting nitely hasn't radio station, engaged in a stand-off launch a month and a half ago. They for KSMC to surrender. loosened their last Friday with the Moraga police also announced that they had indeed ThequadbetweenFer­ policy regard­ department and representatives from been stockpiling weapons - as well roggiaro and LeFevre ing contra­ federal agencies such as the Bureau of as CD's - in preparation for such a Theatre was also evacu- Jacob Fulton/ COLLEGIAN ception. The Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, the standoff. ated and roped off, as Corey Fedor leads the masses of KSMC DJs. abundance of FBI, and the FCC. According to their statement, they KSMC staff members vulcanized The standoff occured when police were prepared to remain in Ferrog­ seemed inclined to hurl unpopular radio studio. fun-time tools and federal agents, investigating the giaro for months. CDs out of the window; frisbee-style. The College's Public Relations is actually the staff's plans for world domination, The standoff caused mass hysteria One federal agent, attempting office was thrown into chaos as report- result of the demanded entry to the radio station around the College, as the rest of to keep spectators out of the quad, actions of a located in Ferroggiarro Hall in order Ferroggiaro was evacuted in order to was injured by a flying CD and was to assess whether or ncit the staff was ensure safety. barely restrained from firing on the see KSMC, p666 see CONDOM MAN; p9 OPINION ODOUR News pg. l Hoodrat Stuff pg.2 Detour pg. 4-5 Phallic Phorum pg.4 Cool story, bro! Tell it again! Have You Heard: New age Gregorian chants Opinion pg.6 Have You Heard pg.6 pg, 666 pg, 788 Sports pg.7 Fluff p. l-12 666 Tuesday, March 34, 2012 The Collegian THE DISH Meet the Staff Editorial War on Women by Virgilia Campagnone Star In case you were hiding under a rock, there have recently been several campaigns to take away LE women's rights, a phenomenon that has been dubbed "the War COLLEGIEN on Women." From Virginia's Saint Mary's College of California intra-vaginal ultrasound bill, to Congress's determined efforts to 2008Winner keep the pill out of the hands of women, a lot of controversy has Associate Collegiate surrounded the Right's continu­ Press ous push to get women back to BEST PAPER EVER being barefoot in the kitchen. And when I say controversy, P.O. Box4407 I mean controversy. Of course Moraga. CA 94575 the feminists have been riled up, 223 Ferroggiaro Hall spewing their usual silliness about 'Mephone; 911 wanting to "control their bodies." Courtesy of Hliagen-Dazs Fax; 925.631.4675 The surprising thing, however, is E-mail: colleg~ Website: www.smccollegian.com KSMC: Radio station standoff turns hostile after barricade that a lot of the people against this war are men and non-man hating c.ontinued from page 1 ANTHONY GO'ITI women. In fact, many people ers swarmed its doors, andit attempted "production of questionable content." Deprived of their leader, the KSMC are saying that the Republican's Editor-in-Chief to dismiss the standoff as some sort of One student was recently quoted as staff soon surrendered to federal of­ continued efforts to take rights media social.
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