Start the year making the right film choices - Felix’s films of the year pages 6&7 Disc Doctors get a bird’s eye view of

London Naked Centrefold

Jamie Oliver’s New Travel Section: Kuwait Fifteen Page 14 page 8

FREE No 1339 Thursday 12 JANUARY 2006 The student newspaper of Imperial College felixonline.co.uk felix Sports centre delayed New year’s resolution to get fit? Think again! missioning systems”. ally planned. However, the squash Rupert Neate Students and staff were only given courts have suffered more serious Editor three days notice of the postpone- problems and are not expected to ment in a college-wide email sent on open until mid-February. Friday 6 January. It seems bizarre A quick tour of the facility reveals The opening of Imperial’s new that students weren’t given more a considerable amount of work still Ethos sports centre has been hit by than one working day’s notice if needing to be completed. It’s hard to further delays. The centre, which there are three weeks worth of imagine how the centre could ever will be largely free for all students building work to be completed. have opened early this week. Even and staff, was originally scheduled Sameena Misbahuddin, Union the pavement outside has yet to be to open in October 2005. Last spring, President, described the delay as laid. Steve Howe, Assistant Director the Rector himself assured students “annoying, especially for students of Estates, said “the pavement is and staff that the new centre would who’ve cancelled their gym member- not essential for opening, and is the open on time and would not be sub- ships ready for the opening... With responsibility of Westminster coun- ject to the building delays that have half the year already gone before cil, who promised to complete the plagued other College projects. it opens, College should extend the work before Christmas”. However, over the summer free gym and swim trial at the very When it finally opens, Ethos will the opening was postponed until least, better still – keep it free on a be the only University sports centre Monday 9 January. Felix was told permanent basis. It is going to be in the country to offer free workout the Rector’s estimate had been an excellent facility, when it finally and swimming to students. The “too overambitious”. Students were opens.” £17.5m centre is part of Imperial’s again assured that there would be Disgruntled student, George drive to reverse its reputation as no further set-backs and gym and Stephenson, told Felix “that at a “not a university you want to go to swimming pool would be available prestigious university like Imperial, if you’re sporting”. The four-storey at the start of this term. I expect honesty not lies and excus- centre houses a 25-metre swimming Nevertheless, the opening has es”. Jackman told Felix that the pool, fitness gym, squash courts, been put back an additional three “severity of the problems was not spa, sauna, sports hall, climbing weeks until 30 January. Paddy apparent until a walkaround inspec- wall and a Costa Coffee shop. Jackman, Head of Commercial tion last Friday.” The centre will Services told Felix that the delays now fully open on 30 January, rath- were the result of “problems in com- er than in several stages as orgin- Leader, page 19 IC Lacks British minorities are. Jane Gibbs, our (Imperial’s) the HESA state that Imperial has Chris Miles & Rupert Neate Widening Participation Officer, has only 15 Black Caribbean students said in some instances the white (including British students of Black The number of British minorities working class male is in the minor- Caribbean descent). studying at Imperial has been called ity,” said Thody. Amongst the 19 Russell Group uni- into question by Melanie Thody, The Guardian recently disclosed versities, nine have less than 30 Afro- Head of the College’s Student figures from the Higher Education Caribbean background. In contrast, Recruitment Office. Thody stat- Statistics Agency (HESA) which the London Metropolitan University ed that there is a “lack of British it stated “reveal a deeply worry- has more black Caribbean students minorities studying at Imperial”, ing racial divide amongst British than the entire Russell Group. and told Felix that white middle universities”. The report singled In an accompanying Guardian class students are over-dominate at out Imperial as having very few article, Trevor Phillips, Chairman of Imperial. students of Afro-Caribbean origin. the Commission for Racial Equality “Imperial select on ability. In Imperial has one of the highest pro- Continued, page 3 some faculties there are concerns portions of ethnic minorities (most- Despite repeated assurances, the opening of the Ethos sports centre about how few white students there ly international students), however Leader, page 19 has been delayed by another three weeks felix 2 www.felixonline.co.uk Thursday 12 January 2006

NEWS [email protected] felix 1,339 Science Museum library saved Islamic Awareness Thursday 12.01.06 Fortnight Kamran Saleem Pushca: Making plans for Alice Imperial Islamic Society’s ‘Islam New Year’s Eve comes every Awareness Fortnight’ (IAF) begins year and sometimes it’s rubbish. on Monday 16 January. The Islamic This year I was determined to Society believe that through aware- have a good time... ness and understanding they can Page 22 u create better relations, develop tol- erance, respect and harmony in our society as well as promote better cross-cultural understandings on the Imperial campus. During the coming two weeks, the Islamic Society will host a series of Revelations, public and seminars with opportunities for you private: Diane Arbus to bring questions and have them causes a stir at the V&A answered. “These are singluar people who The Science Museum’s important collections are now safe at Imperial It will kick off with an exhibition appear metaphors somewhere fur- and a grand, festive bazaar pre- ther out than we do” Alexander Antonov op a large part of the existing library senting art, food and culture from Page 11 u Science Editor building to provide upgraded stu- various Muslim countries across the dent study facilities with improved world. Where else can you pick up access to digital library materials. ‘samosa’ and ‘falafel’ for lunch at This Week Imperial and the Science Museum There will also be a separate room Imperial for free!? News 1-3 Naked Centrefold 12&13 have resolved a long-running dis- within the Science Museum where Next, there will be a talk on ‘What pute over the Science Museum’s researchers can consult special- does it mean to be Muslim?’ and Science 4&5 Travel 14&15 collection in the central library. ist Science Museum archives and ‘What is Islam?’ Hot topics with the Film 6&7 Comment 18 The future of the museum’s col- library material. The three locations Muslim perspectives are to follow Food 8 Leader & Letters 19 lection had been uncertain since it will be electronically connected to in our talks on the medical ethics of Fashion 9 TV 20 transpired that College had raised ensure efficient management. cloning and the equality of men and Nightlife 10 Agony Aunt 21 the rent payable by the museum to Implementation of the proposal women in Islam, which many of you Arts 11 Sport 22-24 affordable levels (Felix 1317). begins this month and is likely to have requested as a topic of discus- Under the terms of a new agree- take around two years to complete. sion. Is it really the case that women ment, announced on 16 December, The process will include refurbish- in the Muslim world are oppressed? the Science Museum Library’s most ment of the library at Imperial, How are women viewed in Islam? Sudoku No 1,339 important and frequently used items increasing study space for students To all you scientists out there will remain within Imperial’s Central and using digital and wireless tech- (practically all of you!), they will Complete the Library in South Kensington. The nology to improve the learning be addressing whether science sup- grid so that 5 9 less frequently used items, including environment. Parts of the Science ports the existence of God. Does every row, every some periodicals held jointly with Museum’s Wroughton site will also science provide any evidence? column and 6 2 3 Imperial, will move to a newly creat- be refurbished to meet its new role. Last but certainly not least, the every 3x3 square ed library repository at the Science The agreement is supported by the week will close with a discussion on contains the dig- Museum’s site in Wroughton, near Rector, the Chairman of the Science ‘sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll’, and a its 1 to 9. Email 2 4 8 9 Swindon, Wiltshire. The materials Museum and by the Department general discussion on the social cul- your solution to stored there will be made available for Culture, Media and Sport, the tures that we find here in Britain. sudoku.felix 9 6 to users in the Central Library with- Science Museum’s major funding Seminars will be held in the @imperial.ac.uk in 24 hours using a “modern docu- body. Sir Alexander Fleming building, by Friday 4pm 1 ment delivery system”. See the Union President’s column Lecture Theatre 2 at 5:15pm. Also, when we will Imperial College plans to redevel- on page 16 for further details. please come and explore the exhibi- randomly select tions on Mondays and Wednesdays a winner to 7 1 between 12 and 2pm on the walkway. receive either Please contact us for further details a 128MB USB 2 8 6 4 ([email protected]). stick or a crate Noisy students face eviction The coming fortnight will present of beer. Last money as well as time. The new a fantastic opportunity to learn some week’s winner 7 9 1 Vitali Lazurenko plan would mean offenders can be of the more questioned aspects was Alexandre fined immediately without the need of this rapidly growing way of life. Pamela 1 3 A new action plan to be passed by to waste resources on prosecution, Express yourself! Let Imperial know Tony Blair could result in excessive- thereby helping to curb small crimes what’s on your mind! Come and get ly noisy students being evicted from that can often go unpunished. your questions answered and see if their home for up to three months. Despite the fact that the action it’s all you expected it to be. It will Eviction can only be enforced with a plan is not solely aimed at students, be an excellent chance to meet new court order, and would be reserved it seems the effect on us will be people. Hope to see you there! Staff as a “last resort” for the more seri- profound. Many-a-time fellow hall- Editor Fashion Editor ous offenders, which includes drunk mates have gotten off with warnings Rupert Neate Dolly Delanay students shouting or listening to after a drunken night out. What fun loud music, said the government. is drinking without the customary Deputy Editor (Science) Comment Editor Part of Tony Blair’s “respect agen- ranting on the way home? Does this Alexander Antonov Tristan Sherliker da”, the action plan would also give mean there is a chance we will wake police constables the power to fine up in the morning not only with a Business Editor Coffee Break Editor lawbreakers on-the-spot, as pros- hangover, but also out in the cold Simon Jones Shaun Stanworth ecution is costly both in terms of with a fine to pay?

Film Editor TV Editor Ads Manager Yuen Ai Lee Tomo Roberts Anthony Obiekwe

Music Editor Agony Aunt Editor Copy Editors Andrew Sykes Preya Patel Ryan Dee Ben Beiny Arts Editor Sports Editor Vitali Lazurenko Emily Lines Stephen Brown Alex Trenchard

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Food & Drink Editor Books Editor Hannah Theodorou Retesh Bajaj

Felix, Beit Quad, Prince Consort Road, London SW7 2BB. Telephone 020 7594 8072. Fax 020 7594 8065. Printed by Sharman & Co Ltd, Newark Road, Peterborough PE1 5TD. No. 1,339, Thursday 12th January 2006. Registered newspaper ISSN 1040-0711. Copyright © Felix 2006 It’s terrible what young people get up to these days! felix Thursday 12 January 2006 www.felixonline.co.uk 3

NEWS [email protected] Rector’s term extended Dress code rethink Chris Miles Materials Engineering Student, told Matthew Hartfield stating that “The wearing of items Felix “I think he’s done a good job. arising from particular cultural/ reli- Like anyone though, he’s not per- gious norms (including…hijabs…) The Rector, Sir Richard Sykes, has fect. Yes, there have been some con- Imperial College have decided to is seen as part of this welcome been awarded a two and a half year troversies and he’s geared Imperial update and revise the controversial diversity”. extension in his post. Imperial to be acting more like a business dress code after drawing complaints The dress code continues to state College Council is “unanimous in than a traditional university - as far and protests from students, fear- that anything that covers a persons its appreciation of the Rector’s as research is concerned, the lec- ing it would violate their rights on face (except for obvious health and achievements for the College during turers and academics act more like campus. safety reasons) is not allowable, but the past five years” and have agreed consultants. The new revised dress code states points out that hoodies and scarves to extend his term until the Summer For the students, gone are the days that students are no longer required can still be worn, but not in such a of 2008. when you can go into a Lecturer’s to have their College ID card on way so as to “not promote effective Sir Richard was initially appoint- office and ask for advice. They seem display around the neck at all times, security”. ed Rector in January 2001, retain- to be bogged down in their own and clarified its position on hoodies The College’s position on offen- ing his famed chairmanship of research and personal targets and and Hijabs, explicitly pointing out sive dress remains, the wearing of GlaxoSmithKline until early 2002. the focus has shifted away from that these are also not banned; how- “obscene, racist, sexist or sectarian” Since starting at Imperial, his undergraduate to postgraduate stu- ever it has not reversed its decision slogans “can result in a disciplinary actions have brought considerable dents. Sir Richard is obviously a against offensive dress. offence”. controversy, including the rebrand- very ambitious person and he’s got Part of the revision of the college The reversal has come as a shock ing and streamlining of Imperial plans for the place but I think it’s dress code states that “At all times to some students. “I’m surprised at ����������������� ����������� �������������� ������� �������������� College, his stance on top-up fees important for him not to lose sight of while on campus staff, students and the news, since [the original�������������������������������� code] and instigation of the College dress Imperial’s traditional strengths.” visitors must be able to present was never really enforced” said ������������������ ������������� ������ ����������������� code. Throughout Sir Richard’s Oliver Todd, a fourth year Medical their ID card for inspection”, whilst Owen Parsons,����������� first year physicist. term, Imperial has retained a pos- Student, didn’t have quite such a noting that it is no longer a require- �������

����� tion in the upper echelons of uni- pleasant account of Sir Richard’s ment that the ID card should be ������� ������� ���������������� ��������������������� versity league tables. Recently the achievements, “We’ve tasted the worn around the neck, but instead ������������������� ����������������� Sutton Trust report placed Imperial legacy - every penny sucked out of suggesting that “In most circum- above Oxford University as the sec- undergraduate teaching whilst cool stances it is recommended that the ����� ond best UK institution. pin-stripes in vacuous glass houses card is visibly on display, for exam- ����������������� Union President, Sameena scheme the new Imperialism and ple clipped to a waistband or breast Misbahuddin, told Felix, “In my it’s global domination. The dream pocket, or worn on a lanyard”. ������������������������������������������������� opinion, with the College Centenary goes on, Sykes’ dream. And let’s be After the furore that erupted over Rupert Neate Editor

Imperial College have announced a approaching, and new projects being frank, there was never any choice. misleading newspaper reports sug- strict dress code for its students and staff. Failure to comply could result in students being “removed from the College’s premises”. The dress code states that “at all times while on campus staff and stu- embarked on in Wye, it’s obvious Sykes will stay. Forever.” It’s appar- gested that Hijabs and other reli- dents must wear their College iden- tity cards”. On top of this employees and students are told to “refrain from wearing clothing that obscures the face such as a full or half veil, College feel it’s best to extend the In the words of Bloc Party; “Two ent, at least to students such as gious dress was banned, the revised hooded tops or scarves worn across the face”. The rationale behind this is that it will “maximise our [College’s] chances of detecting the presence of anyone who shouldn’t Rector’s contract.” more years, there’s only two more Todd, that Sir Richard’s success dress code goes to great pains to beFelix’s here”. According to Imperial, this campaign against the dress code has been implemented “in light of security concerns raised by the terrorist incidents which occurred over the summer”. Meurig Thomas, a third year years”. comes at a price. point out that this is not the case, dressThe ruling appears to be quitecode was a success! unenforceable as there are numer- ous entrances to the College, and there is a public right of way straight through the middle of College along Imperial College Road, connecting Queens Gate to Exhibition Road. It is clear that College also have doubts about the enforceability of the ruling. An Imperial spokesper- son told Felix, “It’s not a question of it being enforceable – rather it is a question of College security. We expect all students to take their What Not To Wear! Imperial’s verision of Trinny and Susannah won’t like you wearing a scarf, hoodie or “offensive clothing” (left). Continued on page 3 You could be escourted off campus if you don’t wear your swipe card around your neck (right). Imperial plc, here we come.

OnlyContinued from15 page 1 Afro-Caribbean students at IC told Felix that the ACS had over 300 ing mock interviews with under- groups. Thody told Felix, “Imperial that the latter will be given a fair members; although they weren’t all represented groups. Lindi Galloway, College have not operated quotas, opportunity. But I don’t think it’s (CRE) and Imperial Alumnus, said of Afro-Caribbean decent, he said he Imperial’s Director of Access, said, that was a very high level decision. reasonable to say it will always go “This survey gives new meaning to knew more than 15 students person- “Our strategy is to reach as many It’s quite a dangerous game to get in favour of the poorly performing institutionalised racism” and it is ally. He questioned the validity of the people as possible, particularly from into; Cambridge and LSE have been school,” said Thody. “beyond doubt” that segregation is UCAS-derived statistics as students non-traditional areas including peo- doing it. LSE have been secret- Galloway believes the “problem taking place between universities are under no obligation to declare ple who are not used to applying, ly playing with quotas, in certain is in secondary education” and that in Britain. their ethnic origin when applying to to show them what’s on offer and areas they’ve taken a lot of black “we can do nothing about it. We lose Thody referred to the comments university. help raise aspirations. It has been students.” She assured Felix that large amounts of particular groups made by Trevor Phillips as “naive” He believes the real problem highly effective in terms of gain- at Imperial, admissions are based because they give up on their own and said “it’s a simple fact of life at Imperial is the “lack of British ing applications from students who solely on ability and are open to all. secondary education at a very early at the moment that some of these minorities” and believes there is a might never have come to Imperial. There is some leeway at Imperial stage.” The government have set minorities who’ve been talked about predominance of white middle class We’ve been working on it solidly for in the hands of admissions tutors, targets for Careers Advisers in are not making the grade at second- students. “The number of black six years and are starting to see “Supposing you’ve got a straight school, notably for low achievers, so ary school; it’s not that we’re refus- British students at Imperial must the first students come through the ‘A’ student from Winchester and a there is no longer such a focus on ing them.” be in single figures” he continued. system.” student from a poorly performing widening particpation. Michael Bajomo, Vice President of Imperial seriously considers wid- Controversially, Cambridge school with ABB both going for the The last word from Galloway, the Imperial College Union’s African ening participation, some staff are University has introduced a positive same place, then it’s really up to the “unless the government increases Caribbean Society (ACS), criticised recruited with the sole purpose of discrimination quota system in an admissions tutor to make that deci- funding, the Rector will increase the figures provided by HESA. He raising aspirations and conduct- attempt to widen access to minority sion. There’s a very good chance international recruitment.” Imperial students organise 20,000 people AIDS concert Shiv Chopra ple including lower HIV infection Currently, we have applied to sev- rates and better health outcomes. eral councils to host the concert in The event will be headlined by sev- London for the summer. An update Imperial’s student executives have eral famous acts from around the of the venue and date will be con- given the go-ahead to fund a charity world. The unsigned bands will be firmed by the end of the month. concert organised by students at selected through a nationwide com- Through the concert and national the College. The concert, known as petition already under way called media coverage, issues surrounding MedXstock, hopes to raise public Rock Idols, set up by Imperial HIV and AIDS will be brought into awareness and educate others on student Arjun Panesar. There will the spotlight. Finally, MedXstock the issues of HIV and AIDS. also be an opportunity, through our will illustrate the dynamic, versa- Two years ago, I came up with the MedXstock representatives at all tile and high-achieving capability of concept to organise an annual out- other associated universities, for Imperial’s students in both an aca- door concert to raise awareness and bands to send their demo CD’s and demic and organisational environ- funds for HIV worldwide, in particu- be in for a chance to play at the ment. lar - Africa. It has taken this long to festival. I am going to need a great commit- finally get the message out. Due to Imperial students aim to emulate Bob Geldof and Live8 There will also be a comedy arena, tee and a massive support network the recent LIVE 8 concerts staged a DJ tent and a chill out zone to working alongside me. If you agree around the world, when our voice Stop Aids campaign through our field reaching 400,000 young people add variety on the day. African and with the concept behind the concert was heavily muted, it felt that now main charity, Student Partnership each year at an annual cost of just Asian acts will also be performing and are willing to help in any way is an appropriate time to restart Worldwide (SPW). £5 per child. Communicating life throughout the festival to empha- then please contact me. Even if it is the campaign. MedXstock is associ- SPW currently has more than saving information will bring about size which people the concert will be to tell me that I am not crazy, I need ated with the International Student 800 volunteer Peer Educators in the improved livelihoods for young peo- truly benefitting. to know. felix 4 www.felixonline.co.uk Thursday 12 January 2005

science [email protected] Proteins made crystal clear News in Advances towards the ‘holy grail’ of crystallography made by new research from Imperial and the University of Surrey Brief Scientist’s embryo cloning João Medeiros of 7. Of course, we can only say faked that we have an universal technique An investigation into the work once we crystallised hundreds and of discredited South Korean A team of scientists in the UK has hundreds of proteins using this cloning scientist Hwang Woo- developed a new technique that is technique. However, the fact is that suk has found further fabri- able to crystallize a wide range of these proteins are all very different cations in his research. Dr different proteins. They claim that – different charge, different size, dif- Hwang’s landmark claim to this method is possibly a major step ferent families of proteins – and that have cloned human embryonic towards the “holy grail” of crystal- is a great indication for the future.“ stem cells was false, a uni- lography – the development of a This discovery may have consid- versity panel concluded. But single technique that would be able erable implications to the pharma- the panel, which last month to crystallize any given protein. The ceutical industry. Since the advent rejected other research by discovery could significantly speed of the Genome Project that drug Dr Hwang, has accepted that up the development of new drugs design is mainly aimed at the pro- he did create the world’s first and treatments. teins encoded by the genes rath- cloned dog. Dr Hwang has Proteins are usually present in er than the genes themselves, for admitted errors, but claims aqueous solutions, such as blood instance trying to block the proteins his work was sabotaged. State or the gem of an egg, which makes responsible for AIDS, or engineer prosecutors are now expected it impossible for scientists to probe proteins in order to enhance their to look into the case. bbcNews their chemical structure due to their particular function in the body. To amorphous state. When crystallized do that, scientists have been trying the proteins assume a solid three- to determine the structure of all dimensional structure that can hundreds of thousands of proteins be probed by shinning X-rays into chasing up for years a single tech- al with different sizes, so that differ- in the human body. The new method them. By knowing their structure, nique that produces single crystals ent sized proteins could be trapped of protein crystallization may there- biologist can tell what function the of a good size and that will induce by an equally sized pore present in fore prove to be the fast track solu- protein performs in the machinery the crystallisation of any given pro- the material. tion to achieving this goal. of life. tein. They tested the idea using The developments are to be pat- However, the crystallization of Led by Professor Naomi Chayen, BioGlass, a porous substance ented by Imperial Innovations, the proteins usually results in tiny and a team of scientists from Imperial developed by material engineers at College’s technology-transfer spin- disordered crystals which perform College and the University of Surrey, Imperial College, and were able to off company. The new method of Human bird flu spreads in badly with X-ray crystallography developed and tested a new tech- induce the crystallisation of the larg- crystallisation is likely to be very Turkey and techniques vary from protein nique which consisted in the use of est number of proteins ever crystal- popular and faster structural eluci- Five new human cases of bird to protein, depending on its charac- porous material to induce the crys- lised using a single substance. dation will mean subsequent activi- flu have been confirmed in sev- teristics such as electrical charge or tallization of proteins. Their idea “So far we have got 100% on the ties, such as drug development, can eral Turkish provinces, pushing size. Therefore, scientists have been was to make the pores of the materi- trials with different proteins, 7 out be performed sooner. the number of people infected up to 14, officials say. The cases, identified as being of the deadly H5N1 strain, mean the virus is now present in the east, north and centre of the Prize for Imperial mathematician country. At least two Turkish children have died, and cor- Professor Simon Donaldson gets the King Faisal International Prize respondents say fear is spread- ing rapidly across the country. Health experts say there is no Alex Antonov share it with Professor Narasimhan, eted interaction, and stimulate the sign the virus is passing from since much of my research career research of hundreds of mathemati- human to human. has been devoted to extending a line cal scientists.” The two siblings confirmed Imperial’s Professor Simon of work begun by him in the 1960s.” Professor Donaldson is also the to have died of bird flu in the Donaldson, known for his work in The King Faisal Foundation was recipient of a Field’s Medal (the eastern town of Dogubeyazit ‘exotic’ 4-dimensional spaces, has established in 1976 by the eight sons equivalent of a Nobel Prize in math- had close contact with poultry. been awarded the King Faisal of the late King Faisal ibn Abd Al ematics). Already in his second year Tests are still being carried International Prize for science. Aziz, a son of Saudi Arabia’s founder of graduate studies, he had proved out on their 11-year-old sister, The prize recognised Professor and the Kingdom’s third monarch. a result which stunned the math- who also died, to see if she was Donaldson’s contributions to pure It is awarded annually to reward ematical community. infected with H5N1. bbcNews mathematics which have been and encourage outstanding This result, together with the work instrumental in strengthening the research. Other areas recognised of Michael Freedman, implied that links between maths and physics by the Foundation include medicine there exist ‘exotic’ 4-dimensional and have helped to formulate better and Arabic language and literature. spaces which although equivalent descriptions of the laws of matter at As the President of Imperial’s to ‘standard’ 4-dimensional space the sub-nuclear level. Institute for Mathematical Sciences, in some fundamental way were nev- Professor Donaldson shares the Professor Donaldson is now focused ertheless structurally different. In prize with fellow mathematician on applying his mathematical exper- other words, 4-dimensional space Professor M S Narasimhan, an hon- tise to understanding and tackling had more than one such ‘structure’, orary fellow at the Tata Institute global scientific problems such as a remarkable result which only of Fundamental Research, India. climate change and disease. He holds for 4 dimensions. Each will be presented with a gold says: Professor Donaldson’s work is medal and will share prize money Professor Simon Donaldson “Mathematical ideas make a vital also remarkable in that it reverses of USD200,000 at the ceremony in and fundamental contribution to all the usual trend by using ideas from February in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia. branches of science, and the input physics to solve problems in pure Professor Donaldson said: from other sciences continually maths. He used instantons, special “I deeply appreciate the honour of enriches maths. The human genome solutions to the Yang-Mills equa- this award and am humbled to join project, the control of infectious dis- tions, which are generalisations of the company of outstanding scien- eases, the search for the unified Maxwell’s electromagnetic equa- tists who have received it in previ- theories in physics and countless tions, in order to study general prop- ous years. It is a special pleasure to other problems drive this many-fac- erties of 4-dimensional space. felix Thursday 12 January 2005 www.felixonline.co.uk 5

SCIENCE [email protected] ’Tis the season to... Detox Emma Turner looks at what the fuss is all about The newer

inter is a sea- a recent investigation by the charity Mediterranean countries does not scientist son of extremes. ‘Sense about science’ who asked a breed such problems, ‘we hardly In December we panel of 11 dieticians and toxicolo- ever drink without food. That is an stuff ourselves gists about their scientific founda- English invention – all those bars repeatedly with tion. Detox products were slammed with their happy hours.’ Christmas fare as a waste of time and money. One So is the real problem that while Duncan andW drink ourselves silly, then come panelist comments that McKeith’s worrying about which detox diet or January we resolve to ‘detox’ and rabbit food is unlikely to do what it product to try we are avoiding the McMillan attempt to exist on celery. But is says on the tin, ‘I don’t see how it issue and not addressing how the becoming a herbivore for a month can boost energy without carbohy- toxins got there in the first place? really worth it? drate or stimulants like caffeine’. If everyone ate a decent diet, took a A quick flick through Carol The body does not accumulate bit of exercise and stopped using a new London-based consultan- ‘Countdown’ Vorderman’s bestseller noxious chemicals over a stint of pack of Marlboro Lights like a friend cy has been created to help ‘Detox for Life’ reveals there is little un-healthy eating as is commonly then no one would need to detox. fill the funding gap that so you can eat on the diet that normally thought. Our very own Professor But where’s the fun in that? Granted often leaves promising univer- appears in the everyday diet. Fruit Alan Boobis OBE (Toxicologist at at Imperial there are an unusually sity-based projects dead in the and vegetables are in abundance Imperial) exposes the myth that we high proportion of people who do not water. but you can’t have meat, fish, dairy, are somehow poisoning ourselves. give in to the cliché of student. They The Advertising Through bread, sugar, pasta, caffeine, alcohol ‘The body’s own detoxification sys- don’t drink, (alcohol interferes with AScience Bureau (ATSB) came into being on the or salt. Does the Sandwich Shop tems are remarkably sophisticated the ability to calculate) smoke and 9th January with the aim of marrying under- stock anything there that could be and versatile. They have to be, as actually do eat a balanced diet. But funded science projects with cash-rich com- included in a detox diet? Not much, the natural environment that we for those that do occasionally have a panies – they want the scientific paper to be a apart from the complimentary slimy evolved in is hostile’. This is verified half at the union why not soften the marketing outlet for the corporate sponsor. apple. It comes across quite strong- by the fact that 36 hours of drinking long term effects by trying a ‘pretox’ Merry Kingston, a founding director, ly that this diet requires military an almost lethal dose of alcohol the Try having a balanced meal before described the inspiration behind the ATSB: style preparation to avoid finding body will have expelled it naturally. going out with an emphasis on pro- “In late 2005 we read about a research group yourself abandoned in the middle of The reality is that people who start tein and vegetables (you’ll make up that had managed to create very detailed pho- tographs using thin colonies of bacteria. The bacteria had been genetically modified to pro- If we ate a duce a dye on exposure to light and the group cunningly sugared the pill for the paper’s pub- decent diet, lication by producing a bacteria-pic of the word ‘Nature’. This got us thinking – “What if they exercised a bit had instead written ‘Kodak’? They might have tapped a huge source of extra cash and taken and stopped their research much further.” The standard funding application process using a pack of can prevent much research from getting off the ground and universities are reluctant to Marlboro like a take on sponsors for fear of seeming in hock to corporate interests. The ATSB hopes to bring friend, no one science and big business to the same table, but in a way that gives researchers independence would need a from any corporate motive. Larry Donaldson, another ATSB director, detox explained the fund-raising process: “We match key features of the research pro- posal to certain corporate sponsors. We make college at 6pm, starving with noth- on a detox program are doomed the carbohydrates in alcohol later) suggestions as to how publicised aspects of ing to eat but the contents of the to fail due to an inherent lack of Don’t forget to drink lots of water the research could be modified to incorporate department’s vending machine. One willpower. OK, some people might when you get home, get plenty of the sponsor’s name, logo or slogan and then reviewer from Amazon sums it up as have a will of iron but after days of sleep and you should be fine. negotiate a fee with the sponsor. For instance, ‘Great, if you have no social life’. deprivation even the strongest will The conclusion is transparent, eat an immunology study could include images of If the idea of preparing chickpea, starts lusting after a cream cake. a normal balanced diet that includes lymphocytes arranged to spell out ‘BUPA’. Or, coriander and lime salad for dinner And from there it’s a slippery slope. fruit and veg and there is nothing instead of naming a new cloned animal ‘Dolly’ doesn’t take your fancy then why Why do we put ourselves through wrong with a little indulgence now or ‘Snuppy’, the group could pledge to call it not try one of the range of detox it? It seems to be a phenomenon of and again. There is no doubt that ‘Asda’. This is simple but effective publicity.” products on the market? For just the British. There aren’t many other all the foliage in Carol V’s book is Donaldson went on to suggest that a labo- £19,99 you can buy Gillian McKeith’s countries that flip-flop between the healthy and if you can eat it than ratory test of lab rat maze-running could be ‘24 hour detox programme’ – a mix two states of binging and dieting. good for you. You’re a better person matched to Nike, who would provide Nike of seeds and dried vegetables that Could it be that we have not yet than me. But don’t try to treat a non- branded rat-wear. The researchers could replaces food for a day. Or how learnt to eat well here? French res- existent illness with useless prod- shave swooshes into the rats’ fur. According about a detox juice, detox tea, detox taurateur Raymond Blanc, founder ucts that have no scientific basis, to Donaldson this would automatically lend massage oil or even detox socks? of the Le Petit Blanc restaurant unless you want to loose the wrong ‘brand awareness’ to an otherwise obscure Crazy as it seems they all exist. But chain blames our binge drinking cul- sort of pounds. Anyone want a sec- research paper and provide easy publicity for do they work? Not according to ture. He claims that the lifestyle in ond hand Carol Vorderman book? the sponsor. He went on: “Steve Jones could have benefited from thou- sands of pounds of additional research money if only he’d maximised the cross-marketing potentials of his earlier research into snail shells. Capitalising the ‘S’ in every instance of the word ‘shell’ in his papers would have yielded a healthy per-word payment.” Merry Kingston then went on to reveal their Get involved in the next plans for ‘JargonBranding’: “Many existing scientific terms could be ret- roactively adjusted to incorporate company names. The Advertising Through Science issue of I,Science. Bureau would devise re-branded jargon and encourage the uptake of the new terminology with per-use payments for scientific authors who include the new terminology in any pub- lished paper. We’ve already started work on a campaign to brand-allocate parts of the elec- tromagnetic spectrum. So far, we have Virgin Radio waves, InfraRed Bull and X-Factor rays, E-mail [email protected] and we’re negotiating our supplier for the micro-wave band.” felix 6 www.felixonline.co.uk Thursday 12 January 2006

film [email protected] Looking forward to the New Year? The Da Vinci Code Yes, it’s I know I am the movie that everyone who 4has read the book has been tart the year right by waiting for. And yes, they could defi- making the right choices. nitely have used a smoulderingly- Here’s a list of films Film sexy man for the lead, such as Paul Felix pretty much can’t Walker. But no, they are using the wait to see (or have seen most talented man in showbiz, Tom Sand think are fabulous): Hanks, instead. Memoirs of a Geisha Okay, Like I’ve said, I never like to rec- pardon my scepticism, but ommend adaptations. But this isn’t 1I usually refrain from recom- just any adaptation. Why? Seriously, mending adaptations. It’s usually a if you do ask this question, you are letdown. But ‘Memoirs of a Geisha’ either a) surrounded by people who is definitely the exception that dis- don’t read or b) you imbecile, why proves the rule. In this edgy film, haven’t you read the bloody book? Zhang Zi Yi assumes the lead role To cut the long story short, it’s con- as Sayuri, the geisha in the making. troversial because it challenges the To help her along is Mameha, played traditional opinion of Jesus Christ. by Michelle Yeoh. Mameha herself is Get this, Jesus Christ has a wife. Is one of the most sought-after geisha that possible? with a heart. As with every movie and every Unlike her, Hatsumomo, the most story, I advise a little caution. Keep beautiful geisha in the district, in mind that theories are really (Gong Li) is determined to destroy nothing but theories. Then again, Sayuri. With a stellar cast consist- I’ll leave you space to form your ing of the three beauties of the east own opinion. Why watch it, you say? and a handsome lead actor, Ken Apart from the sensational sto- Watanabe, could this movie even be ryline, there’s the talent of Tom a flop? Into the Blue was a letdown Hanks and the many beautiful views and it had the abs of Paul Walker of Rome and the Vatican City to look and the Coke-bottle figure of Jessica out for. In a nutshell, it is definitely Alba. Hence, this movie could still popcorn-worthy. be a flop. Say what? Only four films to look Fortunately, it wasn’t. In fact, it out for, no way! Of course not, more was beautiful and poetic. Never had to look out for in the next issue of a movie used beauty to such effi- Felix. Until next week, people! ciency to express the more intricate of human emotions i.e. desperation, jealousy, insanity, jadedness, resil- ience and falling in love. It’s released Yuen Ai Lee tomorrow, guys! Don’t miss it! Film Editor Ice Age 2 Remember the poor ancient squirrel, Scrat? He’s Cherry blossoms, a geisha and a unifying bridge of harmony. Sometimes cliches can be beautiful too. 2 back and he’s just as resilient as ever to get his nut! For some Mission Impossible 3 What’s reason, I pretty much refused to with the sequels, you say? Two watch Ice Age when it came out. 3words, Tom Cruise. Special But I was shocked to discover that agent Ethan Hunt is back, with a story of prehistoric animals trying perhaps a very Photoshop-edited to return a human baby to its parent face or just a thick set of makeup. was actually entertaining. I know, I Because, from the trailers, he was know. And ever since then, I’ve been pretty much wrinkle-free! Gasp. in love with Sid and his extreme lack Don’t you just want to know what of brain cells, which seems to work anti-wrinkle cream he uses? out for him somehow. Anyway, back to the story. Mission Surprise, surprise! Because Ice Impossible 3 is pretty much the only Age is back with a sequel entitled action film series that can garner Ice Age 2: The Meltdown. Okay, I as much attention as James Bond. have to agree, the title lacks a wee Who’s the babe this season you say? bit of imagination. But then again, It’s the lovable Keri Russell, who what an animation requires to suc- rose to fame with TV series Felicity. ceed is a really cute but dumb char- And apart from the babe, what rea- acter like Sid, a few humanized but sons do we have for watching the comedic animals such as Manny the show? Firstly, it’s been 5 years since Mammoth (voiced by the hilarious Mission Impossible 2. Hence, imag- Ray Romano) and a family-friendly ine the amount of technology that script. has been developed in this number Okay, maybe not, but then again, of years. let’s stick to the story. In this sequel, The second reason is, of course, the Ice Age is coming to an end, the lead actor, Tom Cruise. He might and, you’ve guessed it, (no prizes for be getting on in years but he defi- guessing) – the glaciers are all going nitely knows how to stick around. to melt and flood every other animal What with the ‘You complete me’ in to kingdom come. Sounds dull? I Jerry Macguire and the helicopter don’t think so. Because not only do moment in Mission Impossible 2, they have to save the world with any movie with him in it has got to their hilarious antics, Manny starts be cool and worth a watch. The third to date as well. And it’s a girl mam- reason is definitely the fact that moth, voiced by the lively and viva- we’ve been facing a serious lack of cious Queen Latifah no less. Hence, edgy and cool action thrillers. (Yes, Ice Age 2 is the animation to watch we have.) It’s coming out in May, so out for this year. Kick ass, Sid! don’t miss it! Ice Age returns with the faithful Diego, the dependable Manny and air-head Sid! felix Thursday 12 January 2006 www.felixonline.co.uk 7

FILM [email protected] Woody Allen: From the silver screen to a stage near you. Huh?!

seduction and scandal. The lead of Woody Allen Murder Mysteries the story is Kaiser Lupowitz. The Venue: Warehouse Theater first mystery of the night is a search Price: £9-£11 for proof of the existence of God. Showing from: 9 Dec - 19 Feb And in detective stories like these, there is always the busty, short- Box-office: 020 8680 4060 skirted blonde, Lucy. Oh god, such HHHHI a bore isn’t it? You go for a play and you expect a detective story but you get a religious diatribe. Hold it right there. As with all oody Allen? Heard Woody Allen stories, the key is to of him? I’m sure you not take it too seriously. The play have. He has done it is hilarious and entertaining, to say all, from directing, the least. Led by a stellar cast, who writing, to even act- do not just act, sing and dance, they Wing. He did not just revolutionise play a multitude of musical instru- the world of romantic comedy with ments as well. Perfectly suited to Annie Hall, brought the world to its a cosy theatre such as Warehouse knees from laughter with Sleeper Theatre, prepare to be touched and created perhaps box-office by the nostalgic rendition of love defying beauty in Manhattan. He between Kaiser and his secretary taught the world to find laughter in and to be tickled by the extreme neuroticism. shallowness of Mendel, who visits Two-time Academy Award winner, his dying friend in the hospital to and obviously millionaire (despite meet the hot new nurse. the slightly screwed-up family life), Being a big fan of jazz and the he obviously hasn’t had enough blues, I was absolutely wowed by the victories yet. For the first time in fantastic music and saxophone-play- theatre history, Woody Allen’s short ing. And if you are a fan of jazz, you’ll stories have been adapted into a fall in love with the raspy, husky voic- play entitled ‘Woody Allen’s Murder es and the almost-dull but captivat- Mysteries’. And no, you don’t have ing monologue of Kaiser Lupowitz. to bleed out of your sockets to pay So was it a successful transition, for the tickets (like you would have you ask, from movie screen to real at the West End theatres). Being a life acting? Put it this way, I’ve seen student, you can get a ticket for less a lot of high-end musicals and plays than 10 pounds at the Warehouse but this was the only one that almost Theatre in East Croydon. Hooray! brought me to tears. Enjoy! Now, here’s the scoop. The play is set in the 1940’s New York state Yuen Ai Lee of mind, which is just rife with sex, Film Editor Woody Allen: Murder Mysteries. A matter of great laughter rather than gore. Jarhead: Touch down to reality Jarhead Director: Sam Mendes Starring: Jake Gyllenhaal, Scott MacDonald and Lo Ming. Length: 123minutes Certificate: 15 Released:13 January 2005 HHHHI

t is rare to find a war movie aimed at depicting the real- istic details of a soldier’s life. Jarhead, an exception to the rule, aims to tell the real-life Istory of former U.S. marine Anthony Swofford (“Swoff”), based in Saudi Arabia in the days leading up to and including Operation Desert Storm. Jarhead: What’s war really about? If you live with the idealistic notion that war is about honour and glory, you in the first 30 minutes after a Swoff and his fellow marines are officer. used, and the less than subtle hint this movie might just change your recruit is shot and killed in a train- initially excited when they are sent Though there are a couple of that the marines are obviously sexu- mind. ing accident. to Saudi Arabia. However, excite- scenes where we see the marines ally deprived, Jarhead is definitely a Unlike other war movies, there However, there are some breath- ment quickly turns into boredom as cleaning and aiming their rifles, not a movie worth watching, and it may is no obvious political agenda as taking scenes that give the view- they wait to enter Kuwait to fight single shot was fired by the marines even change your impression of sol- the movie neither supports war nor ers a break from the treacheries of the Iraqis. The marines even start to in the whole movie (until they cel- diers in the armed forces. condemns it. Instead, Jarhead is Desert Storm, such as when Swoff show signs of eccentricity and insan- ebrate the end of the war), which Daryl and I have both gone just a story of a marine, not some takes a break from digging a grave ity, such as when Swoff threatens is another reason that makes this through 2 years of military train- super-soldier who manages to defy for a deceased Kuwaiti amongst and almost shoots another marine your atypical war movie. However, ing in Singapore before we entered all laws of common sense to miracu- all the burning oil fields and has a when the latter gets Swoff into trou- director Sam Mendes still manages university. The movie was a realistic lously survive unscathed in a major chat with Staff Sgt Sykes (Jamie ble, or when Troy, Swoff’s sniper to make Jarhead one of the best war summary of our own experiences battle. The movie starts off light Foxx), and when Swoff meets an partner, almost loses his mind when movies around. Despite the eccen- and we both felt for the characters. with the minor trials Swoff endures oil-drenched horse amidst the same an officer deprives him of a chance tricities of the marines during their in enlisting but the realism strikes oil fields. to assassinate an Iraqi high ranking days in the desert, the foul language Daryl Phua & Lin Hui Koh felix 8 www.felixonline.co.uk Thursday 12 January 2006 food & drink [email protected] TheG.I. festive seasonlook has taken and its toll on feelthe nation’s great...... waistlines. Make a New Year’s resolution you can keep – lose weight, banish tiredness and boost your energy with the G.I. diet. increases in insulin have actually rich teas* cakes Hannah Theodorou Fifteen now been shown to encourage the beans (all, including baked) cereal bars Food & Drink Editor body to burn fat. lentils flapjacks Each plate of food you have should peas rice cakes roughly be made up of 1/4 low GI sweetcorn waffles carbs, 1/4 low GI protein and 1/2 veg- potatoes (boiled new)* potatoes (all except boiled new) etables or salad. You shouldn’t feel pumpkin* condensed milk hungry between each meal because broad beans* alcohol hunger pangs should be curbed by parsnips* fruit drinks (juice in moderation) steady blood glucose levels, but if aubergine sugary or fizzy drinks you do feel peckish, tuck into some avocado high-energy sports drinks fruit or a low GI snack in the morn- broccoli dates ing and afternoon. carrots popcorn Westland Place, courgettes pretzels London N1 7LP Low Glycaemic Index (good) mushrooms bacon onions burgers peppers hot dogs Price: £50, meal for 2 s we’ve once again sur- salad lamb (fatty cuts) HHHHI vived the indulgent fes- tomatoes minced beef tive season, it’s time for apples pies If, like me, you love your food, but new gym memberships citrus fruit pork would rather pay someone else to to soar and fad diets to grapes salami cook, then going out to restaurants beA taken up, only to be dropped kiwis butter is a must. But, have you ever won- after a few months. Forget about the pears cheese (full fat) dered what it’s like to dine out at a Atkin’s diet, eating according to your plums mayonnaise renowned restaurant? blood group or laxatives; everyone yoghurt (sugar-free) After watching Jamie Oliver strug- now agrees GI is the way forward. anchovies gle to teach fifteen disillusioned There’s no faddy theories involved; chicken (skin removed) youths to cook, get a life and work simply basic nutritional theory. Not eggs as a team, I decided that this was a only will it help you lose a kilo a fish place that had to be seen. week when followed strictly, but will pork (lean) You have to book your table several help you maintain a constant healthy soya and linseed bread quorn months in advance, but, depending weight without being a burden if you pumpernickel bread turkey on what you have, the prices can be want to follow it loosely. fruit loaf cottage cheese reasonable. For £25 you can have a The plan basically involves eating wholemeal pitta* 3-course set lunch menu. foods with a low glycaemic index, tortilla wraps* *eat in moderation - these foods The staff were very pleasant and which are high in complex carbohy- pasta have an average, rather than low, Jamie had even signed some bot- drates. These provide natural, slow- pearl barley glycaemic index. tles of olive oil (£10 each) which you ly released energy after each meal, bulgur wheat could buy - my mum was extremely meaning your blood sugar levels noodles High Glycaemic Index (bad) impressed this Christmas! stay steady. Foods rich in glucose, basmati rice* The purpose of Fifteen is to inspire on the other hand, cause a surge couscous* bagels disadvantaged young people to in blood sugar levels and subse- all bran/ bran flakes ciabatta Drink plenty of water at the same believe that they can create for quent insulin levels which remove muesli (sugar-free) gnocchi time – coffee and tea are also fine but themselves a career in the restau- glucose from the blood. This leaves oatmeal/ porridge rice (all other) avoid any added sugar. Alcohol can rant business. The restaurant has you feeling lethargic, hungry and special K* cereals (sugar, puffed) be limited to one glass with a meal if had thirty-seven young people grad- craving another glucose hit. Low Weetabix* cakes not following the diet strictly. uate and many of them are now GI foods will instead cause steady oatmeal biscuits cereal bars Next week we’ll focus on energy working full-time in some of the rises in glucose, leading to a small crumpets* cornflakes boosting foods and foods that help world’s best restaurants. It is now and gentle increase in insulin. Small digestives* biscuits (all other) your concentration. three years since Channel Four’s show, ‘Jamie’s Kitchen’, followed the trials and tribulations of Jamie’s Sample food plan attempts to open a restaurant and create chances for young people. It BREAKFAST: Scrambled eggs on toasted soya and has been thirty six months of tre- linseed bread with grilled mushrooms and a glass of mendous ups and downs. Fifteen is orange juice. now supporting their fourth group OR: Grapefruit, followed by a poached egg on sour- of young people - all of them unem- dough toast with grilled mushrooms. ployed when first recruited, many of them homeless or in care, oth- MID-MORNING SNACK: A pear OR 100g cherries. ers living with learning difficulties. All profits from Fifteen go to the LUNCH: Wholemeal pitta filled with 100g of extra-lean Fifteen Foundation (the charity for- ham, cucumber, watercress and mustard; 100g of mixed merly known as Cheeky Chops), to berries for pudding. provide these young people with the OR: Pasta salad al dente with salmon and chopped working environment in which to peppers; a peach for pudding. expand their knowledge and practi- cal experience. MID-AFTERNOON SNACK: 2 satsumas OR 4 dried “Students at Fifteen do a 14 month apricots and 20g of dark chocolate. course, which costs about £18,000 OR: 100g mixed berries OR 2 slices fruit loaf with and includes work placement at res- extra-light cream cheese. taurants and sourcing trips abroad. In the words of Vicky Sharpe, London SUPPER: Spaghetti with a simple tomato and herb PA Restaurant Review: sauce served with a large mixed salad; grilled banana “A restaurant certainly worthy of a for pudding. visit to sample simple but delicious OR: spice or herb coated chicken with ratatouille and food and service that is slick and boiled new potatoes; a poached pear and fromage frais unpretentious”. for pudding. To make a reservation, ring: 0870 330 15 15. felix Thursday 12 January 2006 www.felixonline.co.uk 9

fashion [email protected] MPs turn fashion editor into whale Sales, magic creams and the eternal question and would therefore stay at home important for men. In fact most men added. This gives two possibilities: and revise. Yes, Miss Delaney has will find that their shaving routing 1 If Hell is expanding at a slower been living in tracksuit bottoms for improves when they start cleansing rate than the rate at which souls the first two weeks of the Christmas and exfoliating regularly.” So that’s enter Hell, then the temperature holidays. However, in the last week a no then. and pressure in Hell will increase this changed when I emerged from Here’s something that I thought until all Hell breaks loose. my room to buy a few birthday would amuse you while sitting in 2 Of course, if Hell is expanding presents for friends. After nearly lectures. No it’s nothing to do with at a rate faster than the increase of 5 hours, I bought enough to clothe fashion. souls in Hell, then the temperature Dolly Delaney a small island (some items I don’t The following was asked on a and pressure will drop until Hell Fashion Editor think even the local charity shop University of Washington chemistry freezes over. would want) but failed to buy any mid-term: So which is it? If we accept the As I write this article, I have just con- Bonus question: Is Hell exother- postulate given to me by one Ms sumed three packets of mince pies. “Delaney has been mic or endothermic? Teresa Banyan during my freshman Consequently, I’m feeling decidedly Answer: First, we need to know year that “...it will be a cold day in fat and disgusting. My mother has living in tracksuit how the mass of Hell is changing in Hell before I sleep with you”, and a bad habit of buying in threes; time. So we need to know the rate take into the fact that I still have now as there are three members in bottoms for two that souls are moving in and the rate not succeeded in having sexual rela- my household, a complete parental they are leaving. I think that we can tions with her, then #2 cannot be unit and myself, it seems logical weeks” safely assume that once a soul gets true, and thus I am sure that Hell is that three packets of mince pies are to Hell, it will not leave. exothermic and will not freeze. adequate. However, my father is a presents. Alas, I may have to go back Some of the religions in the world The student received the only A Diabetic and my mother doesn’t like into town and go shopping again. At nounced effect on the skin,” says today state, that if you are not a given. sweet foods. least I get some exercise. Clinique dermatologist Dr David member, you will go to Hell. Since Question, “Who’s Most Likely to Beauty for men has always been Orentreich. “They make it stronger there are more than one of these Turn into a Whale?”. Answers on a a taboo subject. Well, just in the by improving or enlarging the mid- and since people do not belong to postcard please. company of straight men that is. But dle layer of the skin, the dermis, more than one religion, we can Think you’re So with Britain’s waistlines ever are men’s moisturisers any different with collagen. Also, the epidermis project that all souls will go to Hell. fabulous? increasing due to MPs, I ask myself: to women’s? Although I frequently tends to be thicker. Men’s skin is With the current birth and death Do you think you’re fashionable? what is there to do to make one feel borrow my boyfriend’s cream (it’s oilier though, because male hor- rates, we can expect the number to Send me a picture with your slightly better about oneself. Sale Nivea for Men, nothing gay about it mones turn on oil glands.” But increase exponentially. name and department. If I agree, Shopping of course! I’m told) I always wonder if my face aremen’s moisturisers any differ- Boyle’s law states that in order then your picture could be in the I purposely brought home only a will be covered in thick facial hair ent to women’s? “The basic con- for the temperature and pressure next issue of Felix! few nice clothes, in the hope that the next morning. cept of cleansing, exfoliating and in Hell to stay the same, the volume [email protected] this would mean I couldn’t go out “Male hormones have a pro- moisturising twice a day is just as of Hell has to expand as souls are

[email protected] books [email protected] FlightsGeorge R R Martin’s of early Fancyefforts in Windhaven show just how far a writer can go genre amongst you will recognise style is a mere shadow here and I condemning it? Let me just put it Windhaven the name George R R Martin as one his characterisation and depth is this way – to someone who’s tried by George R R Martin and Lisa of its heavyweights, and the majority non-existent, meaning also that he Pralines and Cream, Vanilla will Tuttle of you will be familiar with his hard- fails to make the reader care for never be good enough. I have seen Retesh Bajaj hitting, explosive writing in A Song his characters as he can in other Martin at his best and to witness of Ice and Fire. This novel, then, books. Not for lack of trying, I might this piece of work next to them sim- penned by the same author, can hasten to add, as it’s quite obvious ply makes it pale in comparison. My two pence: If you need to read be assumed to be the same mix of that Martin is attempting tricks to Which brings me to my final point something feel-good, you could do story, action and pace that has made put across all these feelings – but to – if I had never heard of Martin a lot worse – the world is an inter- Martin such a huge success – or so someone who’s more accustomed before this novel came to me, I esting idea and it is original. Any one may be forgiven for thinking. to the polished style and poise of his might well have enjoyed it. So I’m Martin fan should avoid this as This stand-alone novel shows us later books, he fails miserably. perfectly happy to recommend this it is nowhere near as good as his Martin flexing his creative muscle to anyone who’s never heard of later works. for the first time as he ventures into “If I had never heard Martin before. And, if you happen As I wander back into the sea the realms of storytelling earlier on to be a fan, take this book out only of unremitting unpredictability and in his career. The simple story of of Martin before, I if you wish to see Martin practising confusion that is Imperial College, a girl with a dream to rise above for the future, as there’s very little I can’t help but wonder where it her station dictated by society is might have enjoyed else here for you. was that I had last felt this way. weaved into an epic battle of wills As this novel stands, it is far from Was it some drunk encounter left in a fictional world. Ultimately, a this novel...” perfect, and yet Martin’s skill, tal- over from my scholarly days at IC feel-good story in a Fantasy wrap- ent and, above all, imagination are or some other drunk encounter per, this novel is quite blatantly a There’s nothing specifically poor evident even early on in his career. during my days of convalescence stab at writing from someone who or even sub-par about Martin’s And, stacked alongside other stand- (from too much drinking). No, dear is inexperienced and still feeling his novel – the idea is very original, alone novels by rival authors, this readers, this sense of déjà vu, elu- way forward. Fans of Martin’s other the plot is water tight, the writing work still stands head and shoul- sive yet persistent, has a far more works will be dismayed to discover is intelligent and the whole story ders above the rest. poignant origin. Fans of the Fantasy that the hard and fast pace of his plays together perfectly. So why am felix 10 www.felixonline.co.uk Thursday 12 January 2006

Nightlife [email protected] Rabbit, rabbit Pushca: Making plans for Alice

New Year’s Eve comes every year and sometimes it’s good, sometimes it’s a bit rubbish. This year I was determined to have a good time. Having never spent it in London, I wasn’t sure what to do. I had heard of Pushca through some randomer covered in bodypaint. The thing with Pushca is, it is essential to dress up and get into the theme. This time it was a dark take on Alice in Wonderland. I can’t imagine those gloves stayed white all evening Having spent a long time deliber- ating about what to go as, I opted What was nice to see was that all Well, the first term has gone and for the White Rabbit and my friend the crowd had made such an effort, what a hoot that was. A few bits of Trish decided on the Mad Hatter. there wasn’t one person who had just information first: nightlife will be When you buy your tickets, they are turned up with no effort. Some had running every other week now, as very adamant that you have to get tried slightly harder than the others, I am being a bit wanky and have into the theme. If you do not they to be fair. This one gentleman came decided that evenings before exams will turn you away at the door, which She ended up getting tied up dressed as the Cheshire cat, I had should be spent revising and not would prove a very expensive and to keep running out of the room as going and getting minging. Don’t rubbish night. I apologise for my When we entered the venue, we soon as he entered as he looked so quite know what the picture is lack of vocabulary, I think I killed were greeted by a caterpillar on a disturbing. It was like those evil cats about, but it seemed like a good a few brain cells over the holiday giant toadstool. She was a very nice you see in horror films. idea at the time, along with biking period. lady, she gave me a little kiss on around London. It is very easy to Now, the evening started with the cheek. The entrance hall was forget your bike helmet by the way, painting my whole upper body absolutely rammed. The coat check it’s only when you realise your head white and trying to drink a bottle of was stupidly in a tiny corridor. So, is colder than usual that you notice champagne. The really sad thing is of course, when everyone arrived it’s missing. that you couldn’t tell the difference it was just a huge jam of people in Since last issue, we had the holi- between the make up and my skin various forms of undress, and that day period, and all I can say is: God in some parts. I am that pale. I’ll tell was just the start. bless Valium. I don’t think I could you something else I didn’t know: Where is my pint for that shelf? have got through my time at home. that corsets are a lot harder to do The big thing was New Year’s Eve, up than I thought; feet were put into Attractive bar staff “She should get a the focus of this weeks nonsensical use as well. ramblings. = high drink prices doctor to take a look at that” “White rabbits, mad Instead of buying drinks, we had to buy tokens from different charac- hatters and a giant ters near the bars. For New Year’s Eve, the drink prices weren’t too toadstool” obscene, but they weren’t cheap by any means, but when your bar staff She was such a lovely lady are as hot as they were, you don’t Well, we have white rabbits, the mind paying a little bit more. A rule One of the best costumes, I have mad hatter and a giant toadstool, for future nights out, attractive bar to say, was the woman in full 16th Alice in Wonderland theme if you staff = high drink prices. century garb including big wig. How hadn’t already guessed. I kid not; it she danced, I do not know, she must was a very interesting evening. The have been sweating her tits off. She review is my New Year’s Eve at was going for it though. In fact, Pushca. More details in the review, there wasn’t a single person who but first I have to make a few com- wasn’t enjoying every minute of ments about the general public’s the evening. The amount of people behaviour. At the time it seemed I just found myself talking to was like a good idea to get public trans- unbelievable, and everyone was so port to King’s Cross dressed as friendly. I guess this may have had the white rabbit. I think it was the I’m glad she was wearing pants something to do with the amount of effect of a bottle of champagne and chemicals in their systems but still, the fumes from the spray hair dye. The location of every Pushca they were all great. That stuff is very potent, I don’t rec- event is kept a secret until the last ommend using it in a warm room minute, we didn’t find out until the She came with attachments – you get a little bizarre to say the night. Once ready, we then travelled least. by public transport to King’s Cross. At 11.30pm the most bizarre stage Oh yes, the public. Not only did This was the one place where we show started. It involved a naked we get heckled and shouted at, didn’t receive much heckling at all, I woman covered in gold glitter and some random guy on the tube start- suppose they’re used to all the hook- a woman with a rabbit head grind- ed taking pictures of us. I wouldn’t ers, so a pair of Alice in Wonderland ing metal on her crotch. It looked have minded, but he didn’t even ask characters doesn’t even register like one of the craziest STI’s I’ve and was trying to be sneaky about with them. Trying to find the venue ever seen. She should get a doctor it. I suppose we did ask for it when was a bit of a nightmare, it was Where did she hide that balloon? to take a look at that. The gold lady I had white hair and white skin. Oh, round the back of Russel Square in was a whole different ball game, and the ears as well. I had to keep Mary Ward House. There were several rooms play- she proceeded to finger herself on those on, otherwise I just looked a ing a huge range of music. I haven’t stage, bend over, pull a gold balloon big randomer. been to a party where there was out of her arse, matching darling, I hope everyone had a good time “Greeted by a such a huge range. Each room was and blow it up. She then popped it during the festivities and hasn’t different but each DJ in each room over the crowd covering the first few turned to prescription medication caterpillar on a giant played completely different sets. rows with glitter. Nice. at the thought of coming back to Each room also had a different Anyhow, that was my evening, I Imperial. If you have, I can recom- toadstool” theme; from a garden wonderland hope you enjoyed it. mend a few, just drop an e-mail and to a tea party. I will send you a list. Come over all Donni Darko Aaron Mason felix Thursday 12 January 2006 www.felixonline.co.uk 15

arts [email protected] Revelations, public and private Diane Arbus causes controversy at the V&A Photography unique and exciting. She gives them The one self-portrait in the collec- search of ‘freaks’ of society to pho- tures these people in such a gro- Diane Arbus: Revelations in their fullness and asks us to view tion, Self-portrait pregnant shows tograph. Starting innocently enough tesque way, that it is hard to look at V&A and judge what we see. her attempt to scrutinise herself in with oddities such as female imper- them for a sustained period of time. Until 15 January 2006 Apply for a grant, Arbus said of the same way, but instead results in sonators and fat naked women, she Although the scenes are apparently her aims, “I want to photograph a soft and dream-like photograph. progresses onto more controversial of enjoyment, Arbus manages to put Tickets £6 Students the considerable ceremonies of our subjects, as in The backwards man on such an air of blunt monstrosity present, because we tend, while liv- “These are singular in his hotel room, 1961. that you cannot but help feel her ing here and now, to perceive only The image is distressing, not only subjects are unwilling victims of a Next week, one of the most excit- what is random and barren and people who appear because of its freak-show qualities, pitiless mind. ing photographic exhibitions of the formless about it... and because it is such an intru- However, it is certainly clear that year will close at the V&A. Diane “These are our symptoms and our like metaphors some- sion of privacy, but also because of Arbus shaped our attitudes towards Arbus Revelations contains nearly monuments. I want simply to save her patronising attitude. She photo- photography drastically. two hundred of her most important them, for what is ceremonious and where further out graphs the man haggard and tired, In her unrelenting attempt to and iconic photographs, and is the curious and commonplace will be facing away from the camera. In record the fringes of American soci- biggest retrospective of her work legendary.” than we do...” doing so she is asking us to feel his ety, she has created a time warp; a ever presented and has raised many These photographs tell as much shame, and take pity on him. flawless but delicately cruel collec- questions about the ethics of her about Arbus herself as they do about Diane Arbus, 1961 Not stopping there, Arbus con- tion of images that at once inspire photography. the subjects. Walking around the tinued this trend by photographing and haunt the mind. Arbus’ work is very unsettling to exhibition, you get the feeling that Indeed, Arbus’ obsession leads a group of people with mental dis- view and at time even disturbing. she was a very self-obsessed artist. her to disregard all propriety in abilities. Her Untitled series cap- EL Obsessed with the idea of catalogu- ing the people of New York, she approached every social taboo unashamed and apparently uncon- cerned as to the effects of her pho- tographs. “A photograph is a secret about a secret. The more it tells you, the less you know.”

Her photos, though in ordinary settings and of ordinary subjects, are stark, cold and harsh on the eye. Arbus somehow manages to make a normal scene seem sinister. From a young boy proudly displaying a ‘Bomb Hanoi’ badge to a peeping- Tom style photo of naked women sunbathing, each photo gives off the feeling of something being wrong, although it is not always easy to pinpoint why. Her subjects are varied and inter- esting. The most interesting are of the normal people she captured out on the streets of New York. These people are ordinary and unimportant, but Arbus picks up Boy with a straw hat waiting to march in a pro-war parade A young Brooklyn family going for a Sunday outing on the tiny details that make them Copyright © 1969 The Estate of Diane Arbus, LLC Copyright © 1966 The Estate of Diane Arbus, LLC

Who killed the Chicken Guy? And is that even the question? The play is an ironic blend of pas- selves trapped. This provides the pletely engulfed into the action. The major issues about the compatibility Theatre sion, anger, tears and, above all right environment for the plot to emotional connections between the of his political career and his rela- Who Killed the Chicken Guy? laughter. A humorous and mad brew develop, and the real nature of the characters start as crazy separate tionship with the journalist. The Oval House Theatre of death, politics, confused sexuality protagonists to come out of the clos- stories. However, they start con- Father-daughter issues, an ambi- Kennington and disdained love, fermenting in et, and find out unimaginable things necting together and making sense tious political career against rela- www.ovalhouse.com the oppressive setting of a locked about each other. as the plot evolves, with a big twist tionship issues, sexual confusion, apartment. The result is explosive at the end. all full of guilt and puzzlement, get in every single sense of the word. “You Machiavellic The deranged bag lady is one of stirred revealing a very dark story The play reflects London’s current the neighbours in the building. She behind it all, making you cackle “Who killed the chicken guy?” is cultural variety, scratches the sur- metro-sexual speaks an utterly crazy African lan- throughout the entire play. a truly contemporary and experi- face, digs deeper, and tells us how guage and chants around the flat And in the end, who kills the chick- mental play written by one angry the past can come back to kick you motherf***er!!” Rafiki-style. en guy? The play is much more Welshman, two angry black men up the arse. The play takes place in the jour- complex than that; it talks about so and a black feminist. These are four The action spins around the 15th nalist’s new flat, when her dad, a many different things. The question of the ordinary writers from the floor of a flat in South London where The structural design of the womaniser electrician, comes to becomes much deeper. Oval House Theatre, and with direc- a “bent” politician, an ambitious Oval House Theatre provides an install the electrical appliances. At tor Karena Johnson, have presented journalist, a hopeless dad, and a exceptionally close and cosy set- the same time, her work colleague, an incredibly intricate comedy. really disturbed bag lady find them- ting for the audience to get com- who is actually her lover, is finding Daniela de Angel The London Eye 09.01.06 Disc Doctors take-off

Think you’re better looking?

Pose here. All you have to do is email us at [email protected]. Girls and Boys please. We believe in equal rights. felix 14 www.felixonline.co.uk Thursday 12 January 2006

travel [email protected] Kuwait:This Christmas, nine isBritish it students all swapped about cold England oil? for sunny Kuwait o say people were sur- .The 1991 Gulf War was fought ern Middle Eastern country and had prised when I told them I between Kuwait and Iraq been told to expect a “mini-Dubai”, was going to Kuwait this .It’s quite a wealthy country I was still shocked by the degree of Christmas would be the Westerness. The first meal we had understatement of the was KFC. year.T The general reaction I got was “My Gran said, “Well I We were met at the airport by a why? “Why on earth are you going fantastic group of Kuwait University there?”, “Why would you want to go guess it would be good students who were going to guide us there?”. When we were disembark- around their country for the week. ing from the plane, the steward- to see it for yourself, Before leaving, I had been contem- ess asked where we were going. they can’t all be terror- plating what to wear. I wasn’t really “Kuwait” I replied. “Aren’t you con- sure if the lazy-arse standard jeans necting to anywhere else?”. ists” and T-shirt (polo neck for some- The Kuwaiti Government and where smart) would be appropriate. Kuwait University wanted to send Family members I told about the At least I’m not a girl. Jenni, a genet- British students to foster rela- trip seemed to have an even more icist from Cardiff Uni had specially tions between the two countries. limited knowledge than me. My gone shopping to buy long-sleeved Hundreds of Kuwaiti students come Gran said, “Well I guess it would and long-skirted “granny clothes” to study in Britain every year, but be good to see it for yourself, they only to be met by our three guides the travel has definitely been one- can’t all be terrorists”. It’s this Dalal, Shahad and Zamzam, who way until now. sort of misinformed view that the looked like they had just stepped I like to think of myself, perhaps Kuwait Government is desperate to out of the pages of a UK style maga- without justification, as a somewhat reverse. zine. knowledgeable kind of guy, but my Recent events and the media’s Zamzam, who chose to wear the knowledge of Kuwait was woefully portrayal of them have tarred the khamir, still had a contemporary inadequate. Jot down all the facts whole of the Middle East (and Islam) ahead-of-her-time Covent Garden you know about Kuwait. I came up with the same brush. Although there fashionista style. The attitude of the with the following; obviously are similarities between girls was also a lot more Western- .It has a lot of Oil the Middle Eastern countries, there orientated than I had been expect- .It’s small, in the desert and next are also many stark differences. ing, they were a cool bunch. I guess Yes, Prime Minister! - Whilst in the PM’s chair I pressed a big red but- door to Iraq Though I knew Kuwait was a mod- all young people have the same ton on his phone, alarms went off. I hope I didn’t declare war.

You will spend 87407.6 hours at work during your life.

If you thought working for peace, social justice or the environment was something you only did Ever thought about how you could in a gap year, think again. make them count? Picture yourself developing renewable energy sources for communities in the developing world. Or working with government to improve public transport networks. Imagine setting up a social enterprise, re-investing your profits in the local community. The Ethical Careers Exhibition will take place on 1st February in the Great Hall. We’ll be showcasing a huge range of viable, challenging ethicalcareersexhibition careers like these in the public, private, non- www.union.imperial.ac.uk/ethicalcareersexhibition profit and academic sectors, along with practical information and advice on how to get Great Hall, Imperial College London started on your ethical career. See the website Wednesday 1st February for more details, and watch this space. 11:30 – 16:00 felix Thursday 12 January 2006 www.felixonline.co.uk 15 TRAVEL mentality regardless of geography. which had never been made to breed We dropped the British girls off at in captivity before. their University dorm and crossed The Kuwaitis themselves will be to the other side of town, over two my abiding memory of the coun- big motorway crossings to the boys’ try. You really couldn’t ask for a hall. Yes, it was designed this way kinder, more hospitable bunch. We specifically, there is to be no hanky- were taken as friends into people’s panky. In fact, some of the lectures homes and were generally treated in the university are carried out in fantastically. Zamzam, one of our parallel single-sex streams. guides, even invited us to celebrate It wasn’t always this way; the University, at the behest of the gov- ernment, is tending toward segrega- “The people will be tion rather than integration. This my abiding memory seems to be a step backward, sys- temic of the increasing influence of of Kuwait. You re- more hardline Islamists in parlia- ment. ally couldn’t ask for a Before I left, friends generally held the view that Kuwait was repressive kinder, more hospitable in its attitudes towards women. This bunch” is far from the truth. At present, Kuwait has more registered women her son teething with her extended voters than men. Granting women family at the beach. Yes, that’s right, the vote had been a contentious while you were cold and miserable I issue, with parliament first voting was swimming in the sea and hav- against, but the Amir (the leader of ing a BBQ. The food throughout the royal family, who has ultimate the trip was superb; shrimps big- power in how the country is run) ger than your hand, succulent goat pushed the motion through. Women and kebabs that you don’t need to haven’t actually voted yet but they be totally off your face to consider will in the forthcoming elections, in eating. which a number of female candi- Which was fortunate, as there was dates will be standing. Everywhere The devastation of the oil fields brings to life the horror of war; bullet-riddled metal litters the desert. Left no way of getting even slightly tipsy. we went, from the Stock Exchange to Right: Anne (Imperial), Kuwait Oil Company executive, Dr Raouf Riad (Kuwait Embassy in London), After you collect your luggage at the to National Science Centre, women Laura (SOAS), Justin (Liverpool), Jenni (Cardiff), Jonny (Leeds), Zamzam (Kuwait University), Glenn (Liv- airport, you have to pass it through held high positions of authority. erpool), Dan (Cambridge), Shahad (Kuwait), Rupert (Imperial), Dalal (Kuwait), Rebecca (SOAS). another X-ray machine. We debated Contrary to the accepted wisdom the pointlessness of this: what’s the that Kuwait just rose from the desert still, to when dhows (traditional sail discovered at almost the same time. with absolutely no elevation. The point in checking your luggage after after oil was discovered, there is evi- boats designed for calm waters) Oil really is what Kuwait is all about. country has to import water, mak- you’ve been on the plane? It sud- dence suggesting Kuwait dates back sailed between Kuwait, East Africa The country just wouldn’t exist if ing crop production an impossibility; denly became clear when looking more than 500 years. Kuwait came and the Indian subcontinent. it wasn’t for oil. Kuwait has to be thousands of pounds alone must be under the counter to see bottles of to fruition during British territo- The next big boom was pearl one of the most inhospitable places spent on keeping ornamental flower Whiskey. Kuwait is totally dry, its rial rule as a trading post between diving, which ended when the in the world, its pure unadulter- gardens alive. not like Dubai where you can get Europe and India. Kuwaitis as a Japanese invented the cultured ated desert stretching for mile after The 1991 Gulf War resulted from it if you pay through the nose for it. trading people date back further pearl. Incredibly fortunately, oil was mile, one of those luna landscapes Saddam Hussein’s thirst for wealth; Isn’t it convenient that there’s a pub Kuwait has one third of the World’s at Heathrow. Lovely. oil reserves. The memories of the Rupert Neate Gulf war are still vivid in the minds of Kuwaitis, who mostly tried to stir clear of the subject. But those who were probed a little further clear- ly held a deep resentment toward Saddam. During the war, Kuwait’s oil fields Adventure were a sea of flames as millions of dollars worth of oil was burned every day. Although there are few obvious signs of the ravages of war, the burnt out oil distribution centres Travel & are one stark reminder. Saddam’s invasion had elements of the recent US military’s shock and awe tactics: silver was stripped from the top of the iconic Kuwait towers. Sports show Although Kuwait is said to have at least 100 years of oil left, they are looking to the future and other forms 13,14,15 Jan @ Olympia of income. The Kuwait Centre for the Advancement of Science is spend- ing considerable funds on research, including a grant to the Kuwait Centre for Studies of Research into aquaculture. They have so far suc- cessfully bred Zubaidi, a popular Felix species of fish in the Middle East, Travel will be here Win free tickets! every Email answers to the following questions to fortnight. Been [email protected] some- 1) What is the capital of Botswana? where? 2) Which country is Easter Island part of? travel. 3) Name three species of tropical fish felix@

www.adventureshow.co.uk ic.ac.uk Did I mention the beach!? Kuwait Towers - spiky Sameena Misbahuddin President [email protected]

Central Library

This year will see the start of redevelopment of the Central Library, South Ken campus. The redevelopment aims to provide more study space - modern and with improved digital and wireless technology - as well as improvingUnion working conditions, such as the much needed air conditioning. It’s likely to take around 2 to 3 years to complete, with the first phase starting in July, soon after term finishes.

Science Museum Collection One of the ways of achieving more space will be through the relocation of infrequently used items from the Science Museum collection. These are currently kept in stores in the Central Library and will be moving to Science Museum premises in Wroughton, Wiltshire. The items will be available via a 24hr call-back service (accessed online, by phone or through the Library), so that anyone wanting to access these items can do so. Discussions with the Science Museum about the future of its Library have been ongoing over the past 2 years, resulting in this solution. The Science Museum Library’s frequently used Science & Technology Studies collection (STS) will remain at the Central Library.

More info can be found at http://www.sciencemuseum.org.uk/libraryfuture/info_faqs.asp . If you have any feedback, be sure to raise it on http://www. sciencemuseum.org.uk/libraryfuture/

It’s expected that items will start to be moved from the Central library during the Easter Holidays. This is clearly a time of high library usage for exam revision, so to begin with only items in stores in the basement and ground floors will be removed using the back exit, to keep any disturbance to the minimum. Items from any of the reading rooms will not be moved until after summer term’s ended.

If there are problems, let us know asap so that we can ensure College address them adequately.

This summer This summer will see work on Levels 4 & 5

Level 5 Level 5 will be renovated and the Humanities department will move in (currently this floor is also taken up by offices). The Business Studies collection from Level 5 will be relocated to Level 2, along with the study space.

Level 4 Work here will focus on improving the study environment and in particular on tackling temperature and ventilation problems. Whilst the work is going on, some of the collections from this area may need to be relocated, such as those for Life Sciences and Medicine. At the moment the Library is assessing how much of the 4th floor is actually going to be disturbed and what the relocation needs will be. However, all Level 4 stock will be back in it’s location before the start of the new term.

Alternative Study Space during the Summer holidays College are looking at options to provide alternative study space elsewhere on campus, but as close as possible to the library, so that anyone still needing to work can do so away from the worst of the building disruption. More information on this will be available in due course.

24hr Library From the beginning of the Easter Holidays and throughout the Summer term, the Central Library will once again operate on a 24/7 basis.

If you have any comments and feedback on anything mentioned here, please let us know, so that we can work with College to minimise the disruption the renovations will cause students and ensure that the improvements do benefit the student body.

Union Entertainments Sports Centre

This term the Union is simplfying the price structure for it’s This term’s unfortunately started with a 3 week delay on the Friday night entertainments. Most Friday nights will be FREE opening of the new Sports Centre. ENTRY before 10pm and only a quid a kid thereafter. To ease the effects of the delay, the Union are working with Then once a month the Union will offer a big name act for £4.50 College Sport & Leisure to relocate Clubs affected and College entry. This month we have X-Factor stars Eskimo Blonde and all are covering the extra costs that this is incurringDue to the the great music from Fresh 40 not to mention Radio 1’s DJ Dan continuing delay over the opening of Ethos, Fitness First Bailey. This event will take place on January 27th so mark it in in South Kensington have kindly agreed to offer all Imperial your diary! students a one month only offer for January while we wait. Call 02075905000 or pop into Fitness First at: Keep checking the Union ents pages at Petersham house www.union.imperial.ac.uk/ents for more upcoming events and 29-37 Harrington Road in next week’s Felix get hold of your latest Union Newsletter Greater London and term planner. SW7 3HD

Imperial College Union, Beit Quadrangle, Prince Consort Road, London SW7 2BB. T: 020 7594 8060 www.union.imperial.ac.uk Every Wednesday At The Union! Carlsberg, Tetley’s & Blackthorn only

£1.25 a pint only Free entry before 9pm, £1 thereafter, free cloakroom for sports bags

Beit Quadrangle, Prince Consort Road, London SW7 2BB R.O.A.R. The Union Encourages Responsible Drinking Welcome Back Party ICRADIO & Resident DJs

Free entry before 10pm quid a kid thereafter!

& draft mixer £1.25 Beit Quadrangle, Prince Consort Road, London SW7 2BB R.O.A.R. The Union Encourages Responsible Drinking felix 18 www.felixonline.co.uk Thursday 12 January 2006 Sharon and his recent pursuit of peace atest reports of Ariel Sharon indicate ership of Moroccan born Amir Peretz, a much both Likud and Kadima stranded, Sharon has that he is being weaned off sedatives more vocal supporter of peace and of a welfare- left them unelectable chickens without heads, to bring him out of an induced coma. driven state in opposition to the war-mongering leaving Amir Peretz as his successor. But even LHowever, even if successfully revived, and neo-liberalism Sharon espoused. if Peretz is successfully elected in around 80 this incident marks the end of his political life. By setting up Kadima, Sharon successfully days time, it will be a step in the right direction He has long been a leading figure in Middle appeared more left wing and so reduced the at most and will not lead to any fair deals for Eastern politics, with a legacy most recently competition from Labour. However Kadima’s the Palestinians, e.g. the right of Palestinians being associated with the pullout from Gaza and ranks were full of recognised rightist figures, to return from refugee camps to their seized the formation of the “centrist” political party essentially making it a new Likud, with the same homes and homelands that they were forced out Kadima. This paints a picture of a man who is agenda but without the emotional baggage! of: a right which Peretz opposes. prepared to take risks in the interest of peace. Regarding the commendable issue of the Gaza Ultimately, the stability of the region may Yet, if we scratch beneath the surface and recall pullout, it has been suggested that the main rea- change in the short term but for long term peace, his past actions, this political demise actually son for this was the ratio of indigenous Arabs to the international community urgently needs to marks the end of an era of repression and terror. Jews, which was too high and so was against the get its act together and use this window of oppor- With regards to the formation of Kadima, racist nature of the Jewish-only state of Israel. tunity to change the status quo, resolving the Ammar Waraich Sharon left the “right-wing” Likud party in order As the expected congratulations from world illegal settlement building and denial of even the to do so – another party he helped establish. leaders flew in, unknown to the majority, the most basic rights to the Palestinians. Until these The reason he gave for this drastic step was in- 19 square miles of Gaza given up were rapidly rights, homes and the livelihoods of Palestinians fighting amongst Likud members caused by the replaced by occupation of a further 23 square are not permanently restored to them, and the Gaza pullout and their refusal to co-operate with miles of West Bank within the next month with international community and superpowers do not the peace process. A more pressing and morose enlargements of other strategic settlements. take an unbiased view to Palestinian suffering, reason, though, was to counter the rising popu- So what does Sharon’s end as Prime Minister there will be neither peace nor an end to terror- larity of the leftist Labour party under the lead- mean for the world as a whole? By leaving ism, whether it be Palestinian or Israeli.

Killed’a Builder? oday the Brown Couch can reveal the Terry at work knocking down key sections of give you a fuller picture of what happened inside. real reason for the Sports Centre opening the Ethos Sports Centre. The patrolman alerted The damage list, as compiled on 2nd January, delay. Two builders and 3 College Police security staff whose response was brutal. stated the facts as “blood everywhere”, “shat- Twere killed over New Year in an epic gun 12 security guards, 5 attack dogs and 10 tered tiles in swimming pool and changing area”, battle which ripped apart the Sports Centre inte- armed College Police attended the scene at “rifle storeroom raided”, “red pool water” and Brown Couch rior. Extensive reworking is now required before 4.45am. Verbal warnings were given to Griff and “cafe coffee cup slightly cracked”. it can be opened on 30 January 2006. Terry who were still unaware of their situation. Our sources have confirmed the following News of the failure was broken to college in According to the Head of College Police, “After course of events. Griff and Terry ran inside an email on 6 January. “A series of unforeseen the warnings, the offenders still seemed in a the Sports Centre, desperate men. They broke minor setbacks” were cited as the main cause state of blissful ignorance. Two warning shots into the rifle storeroom and armed themselves for the delayed opening. In papers recently seemed to sober them up though. They jumped for what was to be their last stand. There then released under the College Free Information from their bulldozers and sprinted inside the followed mild skirmishes that shot their way Bill, the Brown Couch has been able to piece Sports Centre.” through the building until Griff and Terry were together the events leading up to the term. A team of 8 elite College Police were sent in cornered in the changing room showers. They One paper, entitled “Ethos Executions”, pursuit while a call was placed to the Mayor of had managed to kill 3 of the 8 “elite” College details the events of 1 January 2005. Two build- College for authorisation to kill. The Mayor was Police who then decided to change tactics. Griff ers, referred to only as “Griff” and “Terry” had at a New Years Eve party when the call came and Terry were flushed into the open using IC drunkenly decided to start work on the demoli- through. When the situation was explained, he is fire grenades. They dived into the pool to put tion of Southside at a party they attended for said to have screamed “KILL!”. Once that order our their burning bodies, where they were then New Years Eve. At 4am, Griff and Terry started was issued, Griff and Terry lasted only another minced by machine gun fire. their mechanised cranes and began demolishing 20 minutes, before being executed poolside. For College to suggest that all this is “minor” what they thought was Southside. At 4.30am, a It is now that the details become a little hazy. only highlights the terrible massacres that must routine security patrolman discovered Griff and We shall now make use of the damage report to occur with all other “major building projects”. PC and BB

hy is Michael Barrymore allowed to do university or job interviews. We learn more from For all of you who didn’t watch BB 1 then Nasty Hitler impressions in the Big Brother losing than from winning. Nick was a very bad man who spent six weeks (sorry ‘Celebrity’ Big brother house) Also it is now pretty much wrong to make any discussing nominations with other housemates Wwhen recently a hospital driver got kind of joke; can’t joke about fat people, can’t and was never nominated once himself! The sacked for doing them at his office christmas joke about foreigners (except perhaps the Irish), confrontation between himself and the other party and then in the hospital while at work? can’t joke about the opposite sex! The only safe housemates was gripping TV and did wonders Can someone please explain that to me? Hitler subjects are blondes and gingers and I bet they for Craig’s (who eventually won) popularity impressions are not the cleverest thing to do in are preparing a movement to stop us picking rating as he was seen as the leader of the other this day of age of political correctness so I was on them! Just like losing, being picked on housemates during the stormy meeting. not entirely surprised when Stephan Marsham makes us stronger. I’m not saying kids should By now you will have all realised that I watch got fired from the Princess Alexandra hospital be bullied and physically beaten but everyone BB so I probably have no right to slag it off. in Essex. I did not think it was right; but I was gets picked on! Also jokes are an essential part In my defence I only watch it sometimes due not suprised. However, then Mr Barrymore does of our culture, it is one way we bond with each to there being very little else on TV, and I am them for the whole of the UK to see and there other and discover who has the same view on not an obsessive viewer. Also, I remember the doesn’t seem to be any call for him to be chucked life as we do. If you don’t like the way someone original BB when it was nice and simple; ten out. Now, I am not sure how good Mr Marsham’s acts, don’t hang around with them! If someone housemates, one house, a lack of food and a task Iain Heaton impressions were - Michael’s were not very good deliberately tells jokes to someone who they each week. Now there are so many extra bits (his Frank Spencer impression, on the other know finds them offensive then that is a that it just gets confusing and Celebrity BB is hand, was excellent) - so maybe that is where the different matter but people should be allowed to just as silly, after all when is someone actually difference lies. Maybe it is fine to do impressions have a joke with a group of like minded people. going to get evicted? Aren’t they only in there as long as they are not particularly good, and As for ‘Celebrity’ Big Brother it is probably a week? Mind you some of them will probably maybe no one but me realised it was meant to be only slight less ridiculous than rampaging want to stay in there longer because I don’t Adolf, though I feel that is unlikely! political correctness. The word celebrity in itself see them having a very good life outside; Mr It is kind of fitting that two of the most is quite funny. Between Big Brother and “I’m a Galloway’s constituents are asking what the ridiculous things in England should overlap; celebrity get me out of here!” they must have hell he is doing in there and the police probably political correctness and Big Brother. Political used up nearly every Z list celebrity there is. want to interview Barrymore again now he has corrrectness has gone far too far. Schools have I am longing for the day that Craig, winner of admited live on TV that he was high on dope the had to cancel sports days because children are BB 1, walks back into celebrity Big Brother and night someone drowned ion his swimming pool not allowed to win and lose anymore, because it is hailed as a famous TV personality! Though (and he did Hitler impressions!) makes the losers feel bad! That’s brilliant, they maybe they are missing a trick there, how about Personally I hope that Chatelle wins; she won’t now lose when they are young, they won’t a “BB Winners’ BB”? Take all the winners from isn’t particularly clever, she isn’t very good at get used to disappointment and failure. Instead the first 6 series and put them in the house, singing, she isn’t a lot of things but most of all of simply growing up knowing they weren’t then the nation really would have to choose she isn’t some desperate, haggard old celebrity the fastest in the school they will grow up as between its favourites! And also chuck in Nasty desperate for one last moment in the limelight. complete and utter losers unable to impress in Nick just for fun because he deserved to win it! felix Thursday 12 January 2006 www.felixonline.co.uk 19

No 1339 Thursday 12 January 2006 [email protected]

felixstudying here. Imperial lacks Michael Bajomo, Vice President minority students of the Union’s African Caribbean Society (ACS) told Felix that some “ At face value Imperial looks very black students tend to apply to At face value multicultural, but a quick probe Universities with a well established beneath the surface reveals a black community. If this is the Imperial different story. At 41% Imperial case, Universities that have large has one of the highest propor- minority populations will continue tion of ethnic minority students, to strengthen in diversity while oth- looks very Cambridge and Oxford have only ers, such as Imperial, may flounder. 12% and 9% respectively. The problem is not unique to multicultural, Although a high proportion of Imperial, the situation is similar students are from ethnic minority in all of the UK’s more established but is it? groups, they are almost exclusively universities. international students. There is wide agreement amongst the students and the College that the vast majority of Sports centre delayed home students here are all white How long are we going to have to middle class. Felix believes that wait for the sports centre to open? ” this is something that needs to be This extra delay is extremely addressed with haste. aggravating to all, but giving us one Places should be granted solely working day’s notice is completely on academic merit, and Imperial unacceptable! should not introduce positive dis- Many students, including the criminatory measures. But College editor of this newspaper, cancelled needs to work hard to discover why private gym memberships in the so few British students from eth- anticipation of the new centre open- nic minority backgrounds are not ing and now have nowhere to train.

The author of the ‘star’ letter received each week will win £10 Letters to the editor [email protected]

(The letter below was received in There are students that work achievements would be a better this form.) hard for the prestige of this inspiration for your readers than Institution Just looking at photos of naked Hello again. But there others, like you in this students. case, that lack of this feeling of Thirdly people do not complain One of my colleagues made me bringing additional positive contri- because they devote their time to aware of your reply bution more serious things. To my previous email concerning To Imperial College. Please try to appreciate the time the low profile page 3 It’s much easier filling 2 pages I spent to write this email and most Of the student magazine. with naked girls or boys than write important Firstly I am from math depart- few more articles on science or I look forward to see a different ment and secondly I am quite social life or technology. page 3 in the next future. sceptic You could think about dedicate 1 Regards About the success of this page as or 2 pages on outstanding past or you state in your reply. contemporary academics. Antonio Dalessandro I am pretty sure of something. Reading about their lives and Electrical Engineering PG

The simplicity of fairness ompromise is a dangerous out.” But no matter the technol- Compromise does not induce the rest? It is the nature of man, notion, but so too is stub- ogy, knowledge or experiences of Justice, rather it can enshrine the his selfish gene, that leads me to bornness. In today’s ever humans in their individual nation opposite. It is compromise that think that there will always be the Cchanging world there are a states, there will not be any mytho- shuts up someone of meagre stat- strong and the weak. His nature myriad of solutions to an infinitude of logical “Justice”. Compromise is ure in the hope that the mugger has not changed, and nor have our differing problems, ponderings and the sanctification of such a time. will be appeased, and it is compro- problems despite the advances in “situations”. One need not go into It is the product of lengthy dis- mise that allows forced marriages science. I’m not sure if there is any the details of world conflict, peace cussions, whether over children’s and consequent rape because the way to tell if we are a truly better processes or devastated regions to packed lunches being nicked by girl cannot adequately fend for off society globally than in the past, realise this. Nor is it necessary to one runt or the other, or peace herself. Whenever a new opinion considering the potential that we plunge into many of the complicated negotiations of any kind. Neither presents itself, no matter how fair, have squandered in front of us. discourses concerning the (compar- party involved in a disagreement solutions must be compromised. Next week, see how much you atively) mundane events of our lives has full acceptance over terms, yet Yet there appears little else that have to compromise. Of course, Omar Hashmi that are beautifully small yet sweet, both agree to “the best possibilities we can do. A constantly shifting my guess is that most of it is just stable and happy. Ah, to be of the for now”. To carry on with previous set of goal posts to accommodate politeness. But do go find a good lucky few. Yet, what awaits ahead for demands on either side is deemed ever changing interests, we are a cause, and see what you can effect. our society is as frightening as that foolish, costly and most uncertain. people who think of the short term And don’t be superficial, but see if which has daunted our predeces- You could lose your lunch, look possibilities and not of fanciful ide- the system works against you to sors. It seems that although Utopia stupid in front of your mates, lose a als. And it is for us that we think, thwart your little idea. Perhaps was in reach, with resources easily war, lose a people. I am not a gam- with the rest of humanity a bliss- that would convince you of the distributable and huge technologi- bling man, but life is certainly not fully distant second. Too right too, impossibility of idealism. What cal know-how, a world of uncertainty a game. Are there any decisions in I do not want my provisions com- would it take for a man to not com- remains, and the visage of Utopia life that are not debated between promised. If Utopia cannot exist promise, to risk that little extra burns in ruin. men to be diluted or forsaken for everywhere, then let it exist for and not be bought off or sidelined? I am not being pessimistic, and petty gains simply due to a power us here for the privileged few. Has More than food or money I’m sure. I am not simply giving in, saying interplay between the concerned it not always existed somewhere I hope you all had good holidays. that “its too hard, no more, let me parties? in the world, at the expense of Welcome back to Imperial. felix 20 www.felixonline.co.uk Thursday 12 January 2006

[email protected] tv ait for it! Wait for it... Christmashad a tough job on their hands. For TV!it was false. I’d agree to some extent Strewth! these lucky, lucky people space was but the feeling of humiliation and squeezed into an abandoned airbase disappointment would probably rule. WWhen my girl Sky Mangel in silent Suffolk. After some educa- £25k on the other hand – fair enough Gave her titties a little jangle tion, some bullshit, some training to me! However, Space Cadets was I cracked my fat and a bit more bullshit, the cadets the next step towards more extreme My load was spat were sent to a shuttle simulator. reality TV; caution needs to be taken And it ended in a court hearing, Despite correct suspicions and near otherwise execution, not eviction, followed by a lifelong restraining revelations, the mission was a suc- will be voted for. Blimey, 400 words order. cess. gone, just like that. Excellent show G’day you old bastards! I’ve been Channel 4 pitched the show per- though. as busy as a one-legged bloke in appyNewYear!MyselfA fectly; building suspense with Christmas came and went, an arse kicking contest, over the ndJoeHopeYouHadAS every episode. So much effort was making way for 2006. New series merry season. That show pony Paul plendidChristmasToo! ploughed into it and the stooges were Balderdash and Piffle began Robinson knows what I’m on about. ForgiveMe,ButThereH hilarious. Russian crew commander last week. The BBC asks viewers Any Joe Blow will tell you, if you’re bus. Bloody gippos will be the ruin asBeenSoMuchTVGoo Yevgeny, a.k.a. Alex Humes should to find out the earliest origins of going to live with a Sheila on drugs, of the area. HdnessSinceTheLastIssue,INeedToA be given the Best Actor Oscar phrases and words. Some blonde Rohypnol is the good oil. His daugh- Don’t even mention the yellow ����� doptACrammingApproach!Nah,Onl ������������������������ next month; one clas- woman also goes around investigat- ter knows how to slip pills into a belly duo. Stone the crows! Davey yJoshing! Ahem, only kidding. But sic line: “If ing, correcting the stubborn diction- drink too. boy couldn’t even tap along to the my, my, my, it’s been a while, hasn’t ary writers that their “ploughman’s Now, let’s get to the duck’s guts! White Stripes. And turning down it friends? Especially considering ��������������� lunch” definition is ten years out Erinsborough’s becoming a danger- my $800 Scotch, he’s becoming a ���������������������

the cock up with the final issue of is it worth watching the rest. Finally, �� of date. Trust me though; it ous place, with the robbery at the religious fairy like his old man. something was revealed but it was like expecting Chrimble and actually unwrapping Family Guy DVD for 2005. Sigh. Nope, we didn’t really King Of The Hill: “Uh, oh… ohhh: �������� was more interesting than I bikini shop and some galah holding Although I see some tough times well, I s’pose it’ll be good”. To top it off, the creators decided to show the numbers were also on the [email protected] lah, blah… sod the side of Locke’s mysterious hatch. ���������� think the Hicks review was so good attempted witty intro. Of course! Er… what the fuck?! do it justice! up the servo. I reckon some good ahead for the bloke, so a bit of faith Teachers - Series 4 (Cert. 15) Lost How random and tenuous a link is was especially shit last week. It was crap that! It’s like the pilled up writers HHHHI omittedB it, butthe it week was so before awful so last I have been making this shit up as you should read it again, there was a week I must write about it. the series progressed. God knows Invasion started on Sunday; old neighbourhood watch is in order; is grouse. Hurley was under the micro- what’s in the hatch. Well, I doubt scope. A microscope constructed even He does. Maybe we’ll find out s a pupil, you have pre- on Jupiter or something, but that’s that it’s a gateway to another dimen conceptions that teach- beside the point. It turns out Hurley sion, or better still everything is just ers boo-boo somewhere along the pro- won the lottery back in America a dream! are blank, with little another American, mega- make the punks feel like pork chops Now before I crash and burn, I’ll or no personality; they and has since been jinxed. Back What also pisses me off is all the ’day you old bastards! ofA their sorry,don’t underpaid have lives exist- outside - on the island, he is eager to find interesting story lines that have just I’ve been as busy as a ence. the “French chick”. Hurley sheds a disappeared. Why did Ethan kidnap machinesTeachers that operate are almost Monday robotic to one legged bloke in an duction line; my apologies. Get your few tons in the process as he walks Clare? Why did that man warn Clare arse kicking contest, Friday, 8 till 6. They only know how to budget, 20-million episode at a bar mitzvah. leave you with the words of a true with intent to find her. He locates she mustn’t have the baby? What timeG to read thisthe week. But I still got shout and strike their red ball-points her but, oh. Suddenly she’s a nice, about the polar bears? How come is, Dongo Geraldes you lairy galah, in a crossing motion, or stroke in an understanding woman who pours Locke knew about Clare’s birthday get off the grass. AnotherFelix. All bad I’m word saying “F” motion if they’re the US model. her heart out to him. No savagery or and Walt burning the raft? What against neighbours and I’ll make Once the end of school bell has rung microscope out and you should be torture, she just tells how the win about Walt’s gift? Fair enough to you feel like a pork chop in a bar they return from bus duty, in single long series. It was pretty good. I bet that Timmons bunch is blue, “Come on you cunt, lets have ning keep the suspense, but are these lottery numbers were the rea- mitzvah. file of course, to their corner of the son her ship ended up on the island ever going to be resolved? The Now let’s get to the duck’s guts! staff room and mark books. After tainly a signal for the teacher, not and why her whole crew died. Great, writers will have to cram them in Any Joe Blow will tell you, a kiddy sticking down the very occasional the pupils; a signal for them to rush - able to read it slap-bang in the so there goes any excitement of find- and I can envisage the final epi fiddlers place in society is down the golden star, they walk on the left to the bar at ‘The Orange Tree’. Coming across as a less serious involved, seeing as they ain’t got some Aphex acid!” ing sodes morgue. The doc’s been a bonza hand side of the corridors to their Here, they rip the piss out of each anyone else on the island? The being horribly overblown. The foreign transmission was due to her entire series could easily have been bloke ever seen I’ve known him, but store-cupboard and power down for other, constantly. Lindsay is “not too, no surprise there. But that’s my halved. if the quack touched my Sky I’d cut the night. pregnant, just fat!”; Bob has applied - beef; the episode was so uninspiring, pacing hasLost been was terrible. exciting, Maybe but the off his balls and feed ’em back to him Going out, smoking and drinking for a Thai bride on the internet; middle of this page. Basically, it Hurley’s bad luck affected the script through his nose. But I don’t like to X-Files, a show I loved; it should brass razoo. Janelle thinks she’s in are treats reserved for the rare lunch Ben becomes obsessed with OAPs too? Whatever, this program needs a go berko at a bloke before I know down the local on teacher train and there’s gay awareness week miracle to save it. the good acid, so fair go. Plus that ing days, but not for the teachers in which head teacher Claire tries Timmons bunch are ones to tell a of Summerdown Comprehensive. A to discover “what exactly is it that consisted of a Teachers Series 4 porky. Gippo’s on the herb I bet! new term and a merger with anoth- Lesbian’s do”. It’s good to see Claire fill the sci-fi void created when Playdays, bringing up a family on a Joe Mangel - Tomo Roberts Talking about junkies, Izzie’s er school means the old tobacco has survived from previous years. got herself into a load of cactus. chimneys: fatty Lindsay, blonde Cod-eyed Carol’s clapping signals Handcuffed on the counter of the sex-pot Penny and “fucking fucker” Claire’s entry into the staff room: Scarlet Bar; cripes! But that’s exact Bob are joined smoking in the bogs “Shut the fuck up” she announces review, which will be back next ly Lost finishes. Thankfully, Invasion what she wanted, especially by a by new recruits. Ewan is likeable, to begin the new term. No changing spunky young cop like Stu Parker. handsome and gullible; Ben is a the ice-queen then. Carol, on the Just imagine the ‘Basic Instinct’ neurotic RE teacher but “not a fuck- other hand, has turned into an even - moment down the cop station. ing Christian” and Damian is a sar- angrier, twisted version of Golum. week, and an extreme rant on Now I’ll tell you whose not putting castic loser. This bunch of booze She grunts abuse at people, sprays doesn’t trudge along stuck in the Last issues must-see gag. on a good show; the yellow belly duo. guzzling twenty-somethings are far disinfectant on old people’s seats Stone the crows! Dave Bishop needs from the Demon Headmaster. They and particularly hates lesbians. Eye candy... that tuba stuffed up his fat date. Talk walk through corridors swearing The old cast is still excellent and Lost, which will also probably about brown sound. like troopers, whilst in the back- the new faces fit in pretty well too. sand like Lost and the excitement With all that racket going off, and ground little Bobby, little Freddy But, I couldn’t help feel that the Lou’s new punk rock lifestyle, all I and tiny Timmy are all getting the creators were using Ewan, Damian Eye ate all the candy. can say is ‘Rave on!’ Or I the words shit kicked out of them. School is lit- and Ben to replace Simon, Kurt and of a true blue, “Come on you cunt, erally Brian from earlier series. Damian be back next week because lets have some Aphex acid!” fight witha riot medieval for these swords kids. and Children and Ben are the idiots, several cans is continued through the episodes! another set of pupils even fire off a short of a six pack each, and Ewan is military mortar! But, if there was the attractive, slightly sharper pen a school award for most childish cil in the draw. This is a harder task the finale is tomorrow! Er, of Joe Mangel member, the teachers would win it than getting away with insulting a Huff. Huff! Save it for next week every time here. French teacher by calling her “une - At Summerdown, the bell is cer- salope”, to her face. Still, is still as stylishly edited and well scripted as ever, sharp and funny. course I mean, the finale is Teachers Tomo. yesterday! No, no, the finale Tomo Roberts Finally, Celebrity Big Brother w[Shut up – Editor]. began last week. Another wonder- The actual festive period ful show set to consume the 9 to 10 was a bit crap for telly, but slot. The lowdown: Jodie is a moron either side has been superb. trying to prove she is not a slapper, Probably a good thing, considering unsuccessfully. She just confirms we were all playing Trivial Pursuit y o u media speculation. Pete Burns: “I or winning Monopoly in my case; it’s meet space slug, don’t try to look like a woman, I just all about the browns. Space Cadets it will mate with you, you w i l l have no choice.” Whatever, moron. landed shortly before the Christmas make beautiful babies.” Moral issues Galloway is likeable by me. Rodman holidays. Taking reality TV to new were called into question though. equals womaniser. Maggot to win! extremes, Channel 4 conned a col- Was the hoax too unkind on the “cos- Oh no! I just realised I forgot lection of people into believing they monauts”? Blasting into space is an Derren Brown: The Heist. Quickly, would be the first UK “space tour- adventure few experience. The illu- before I’m dragged back into the ists”. Johnny Vaughan was perfect- sion was meticulously and convinc- cupboard! Another fantastic show ly cast as presenter, with comedy ingly constructed. I felt part of the but… please… forgive me master improvisation harking back to his gang, in on the joke; then the cadets Derren, I’m not... worthy! Vote… funniest days on The Big Breakfast. “saw” Earth and I felt very guilty Jo… die! Byeeeee! The cadets were carefully selected indeed. Channel 4 argued they still simpletons but still, the creators felt the thrill of seeing Earth, even if Tomo Roberts Eye candy... Eye ate all the candy. felix Thursday 12 January 2006 www.felixonline.co.uk 21

Dear Miss Confi[email protected] Mystic stars Sagittarius (Nov 22nd – Dec 21st) Gemini (May 22nd - Jun 21st) another night or a split condom and we suggest that you try a larger or something, I dunno, but you sized, higher quality condom, or 2006 gets off to a good This will be a some- are definitely not pregnant from search for alternative methods start but don’t forget what make-or-break swallowing! Now, it’s possible of contraception, i.e. warn your to slow down and take year for you. Your that your stomach is feeling funny partner, as, if they are female, you time to enjoy it - else laid-back attitude may because you’re allergic to semen may end up with more than you you might end up have made you friends and are hence feeling a bit sick. bargained for. missing out on some but does little for you Doubtful, but if that’s the case, then fun. Did I mention that you might at work. A little thought and you just spit next time - it’s acceptable. Where did all the balls go? soon have bull on your hands? Silly may achieve more than expected. Now, if you’re still feeling the need me..... for reassurance that you’re not Dear Miss C, Cancer (Jun 22nd – Jul 22nd) pregnant, go to the nearest Boots Capricorn (Dec 22nd – Jan 19th) or visit a doctor or the NHS walk-in A few nights ago I shagged a girl on You start 2006 fo- centre and get a pregnancy test, the pool table in my halls. I noticed Things will perk up cussed and in control but please, for your own sake, stop that there is a CCTV camera in this year, so grab life of matters, be sure telling people it’s because you there and I was wondering if you by the horns and look to maintain this swallowed. People will laugh, in thought it would be acceptable to forward to some fun and you’ll reap the a cute bless-her kind of way, but ask if I could get the recording? and frolics with an rewards in more ways laugh they will... Ya Ma!!! occasional pleasant than one. Don’t be timid now. surprise. There goes another one... Dear Ya Ma!!!, Happy new year! Hope you Leo (Jul 23rd – Aug 22nd) enjoyed your Christmas break, Dear Miss C, Mate, do you have a death wish? Aquarius (Jan 20th – Feb 18th) but just in case you didn’t enjoy Sending me that question when Your social status the family festive fun, remember I lost my virginity not long ago there really is only one conceivable Did nobody mention climbs high this I’m here to answer all your but ever since my first time, every answer? Well, this is good for that 2005 was so last year, but be sure to worries at [email protected]. time I use a condom, it splits. I me, it lets me start off this new year?! Stop living stay true to yourself. I came back slightly disturbed have tried using x-tra strong but year with a fully deserved rant in the past and look Romantic offers may to find these 3 X-rated presents it has made no difference. What about the world of men! No, it is forward to a busy year come your way but in my inbox. Methinks some of could be causing this to happen? not acceptable for you to ask for with lots of new faces. think before you act. us defiantly enjoyed the festive My friends say I have a funny that film and it’s obvious why, season and felt the need to share, shaped knob. Could this be true? although for someone with some Virgo (Aug 23rd – Sep 22nd) or, in some cases, gloat! Enjoy... Need Reassurance insane exhibitionist streak, I’m Pisces (Feb 19th – Mar 20th) Miss C surprised you even took the time Time to take it easy Dear Needs Reassurance, to ask. Before I totally lose the Take a few moments now, as this is the plot of this question though, I have to reflect upon the beginning of the year. Star Ok, before this goes any further, a few questions for you. Why the many successes of You need to recharge I need to stress I am a girl, and pool table? In the centre of the your last year before your batteries so you Letter obviously have no experience in common room? Are beds no longer you jump-start this can deal calmly with this area, but I will try my best. comfortable enough? I’m sure the one. Remember - one situations which may tempt a blown Now, as I have never seen your sofa would have been a bit easier step at a time. fuse. package, I can’t really comment on on her back! How on earth did you Aw, bless... you having a weird shaped knob. get the girl to agree to that one? Aries (Mar 21st – Apr 20th) Libra (Sep 23rd – Oct 22nd) You can send me a picture if you Methinks someone slipped a bit of Dear Miss C, want, but I can’t say I’m dying to Rohypnol into the eggnog! Now, Lady luck has always Life has its ups and have a look, although it may provide back to your initial question. I been your friend but downs, and deals out Two weeks ago I gave my amusement for the Felix office. really don’t approve of you asking it would be wise to unexpected situa- boyfriend a blowjob and swallowed Now, as to your query, I don’t think for the tape. But boys will be boys ask for her continued tions. This year could for the first time. Recently, my you having a weird shaped knob and will want to gloat, and I’m sure blessings even if you see your experiences stomach has been feeling a bit is the problem, unless of course that tape will win you awe from the think you don’t need change you for the strange and I have still not had my it’s the shape of a Christmas tree, other boys, but I doubt the security it. The road ahead isn’t looking as better, just maintain some perspec- period. My boyfriend says there is in which case - get yourself down men will return it to you. Now, as smooth as you might like. tive. nothing to worry about but I just to the nearest urologist and see much as I’d like to hope that the have to know - could I be pregnant? if they can fix you before you do tape has been erased, I live in the Taurus (Apr 21st - May 21st) Scorpio (Oct 23rd - Nov 21st) Ms Take some serious damage to one of real world, and it has probably been your partners. Why your mates put in the CCTV tapes Cupboard Of How many of those The dawn of the year Dear Ms Take, felt the need to look and analyse Fame, and might possibly be on the resolutions have you is barely broken and does scare me slightly. Don’t give way to some candid camera show managed to keep? already you have Ok! Let me clear this up for you me any of that shit about having to such as idiotic drunken students, A few, I bet, as your regrets. You may want once and for all! Having spoken to look in the locker rooms, you really or being posted on a porno site as stubbornness (umm, I another new start, my medical student friends, I can don’t. Girls manage without, why we speak. I hope you’re ready for mean determination) but regrets are so last confirm you cannot, let me repeat, can’t you? My associates and I have some publicity. Sheer decency says means you’re much more likely to year! Don’t waste your precious cannot get pregnant from oral sex! discussed your problem in detail in you warn the girl, and mate, in the see things through. time, there’s so much for you to Whether you’re pregnant from order to find a possible explanation future, 3 words – get a room! enjoy. felix 22 www.felixonline.co.uk Thursday 12 January 2006

Sport [email protected] IC ladies dominate Check Chole Joyeux Mate! Rafe Martyn

Womens Football

Imperial College XI 1 Chess RUMS 0

Following promotion from division 3 On a cold Sunday morning, the IC of the Middlesex league last season, Football ladies set out for Harlington. Imperial Chess team is again coast- After a late arrival of Chin, aka cap- ing in division 2 after an unbeat- tain Planet, the team walked out on en start to the season. The best the frozen astro. All nine of us, as moment so far was the demolition one unreliable girl had not showed of Ealing 2. Coming after a dis- up and another had cancelled last appointing draw away to an aver- minute. The players were, however, age Albany, our team was seriously ready for the clash against the 11 psyched up. IC’s shrewd captain, RUMS girls. Peter Levermore, carefully outlined The game started as referee his inspired master plan: win every Richie P, aka Zippy, blew the whistle. game to thrash them 8-0. IC started strong, keeping the ball Things started well, with Ealing mostly in the opponent’s half. Pav failing to put out a full team, imme- and Yoke flew up their wings, help- Well done ladies! diately forfeiting on last board to ing the midfield and, more occasion- ball, wherever it went, and sent it to She ran all the way up the pitch, opportunity, but the ball was rapidly put us one up. With their board 6 ally, dropping back to defend. The Liz further up, who shot it with her determined and as though nothing cleared. As the IC ladies continued yet to show and strong positions opposition made few runs, and did powerful kick. could stop her and shot, leaving the their struggle against exhaustion, on all boards, confidence was high. not worry Chloe and Jools much The ref finally started calling RUMS girls deeply disappointed as Richie P saved the situation as his So high, in fact, that when Ealing’s in the centre and left Muna almost the bad throw-ins of the opponent, the score became 1-0. watch skipped a few minutes, allow- missing player finally did turn up, his bored between her goal posts. The giving back the advantage to us The game went on, but as time ing the IC ladies to forgive him for opposite number, Imperial’s Qingyui domination of the IC ladies during several times. The IC ladies truly passed by, the IC ladies started to his doubtful corner. The game there- Chen, turned down the option of an the first half was impressive, despite seemed to be everywhere on the become tired. They still maintained fore ended in a happy atmosphere, automatic win before calmly crush- their low numbers. Half-time came pitch. The defence was impenetra- an excellent performance however, as the IC won once again. Special ing his tardy opponent. fast however, and honours even. ble and gave RUMS great difficulty. letting RUMS come close to scoring thanks to Yoke’s parents who came Violent victories from Moritz The second half began well as Their defence, however, seemed to only once. For this one shot on goal, from Singapore to watch us (our Reuter and Ed Leung, and more the pitch started thawing. The IC be leaking, allowing IC to perform Muna was however ready and saved first international supporters) and serene successes from Robin Nandi Ladies interpreted this as a good several shots on goal. After several us all by plunging after the ball. to the boyfriends, Garo and Tim, and the skipper soon followed, leav- omen as they walked back on. The attempts, the ball finally touched What a save! A badly called corner who “willingly” came to cheer the IC ing us 7-0 up with just my board trio Mo, Chin and Poppy won the the back of the net, thanks to Chin. almost gave the opposition another ladies on this cold morning. left to finish. With team Imperial impatient to get down to the pub, my opponent’s obstinacy was frus- trating, but despite my best efforts it was only after 3 hours play that Sailing Club hit Loughborough my foe finally failed, and resigned his tormented team to the inevita- ble whitewash. No sympathy was Tom Sibley shown, however, and we duly turned down ailing Ealing’s offer of drinks together in favour of our own, more Sailing gloat-orientated, drinking session. Meanwhile, Imperial’s ULU team, captained by Robin Nandi, is also getting on well after kicking off the On the 3rd and 4th December, the season with a satisfying victory over Imperial Sailing Team travelled to the UCL. Thanks should go to all those Loughborough Laser Team Racing involved in the successful Imperial Event 2005, where we competed Chess teams for what has been a against 14 other teams. This year’s stunning start to the season. Look team consisted of Islay Symonette, out for a blitz tournament later this Ian Preedy, Stew Edge, Helena term and the Mestel challenge in Hamlyn, Thomas Dormenval, and January, where you get to take on (Captain) Tom Sibley, and although Imperial’s own Grand Master. we did not have much team racing experience between us, we set off to show the new members how much ple of boat lengths. fun it can be! Unfortunately, we were just pipped After an early briefing on the to the mark, but both teams agreed Saturday, it was straight into racing. that it was some of the most exciting The weather in the morning was team racing we’d had that week- looking good, with a blustery wind Jubilant Seaman! end. but showers on the horizon. Most of the team were happy that they had and 4th places (out of 6). After our “a fantastic time, brought their dry suits with them; success, it went a little downhill as possible. This meant that more ing for our incredibly early start. the others were feeling the cold. the previous nights drinking began than the usual 90% of the race was (Our tactics from the Saturday of and proving that we The first capsize happened within a to wear off, and Stew managed to T- determined by the start, and our doing the team race as a fleet race, few seconds of leaving the shore, and Bone another boat after an amusing starts were not improving. Then then possibly trying some team rac- were good sailors by all spectators couldn’t stop laugh- aim in front, aim behind, hit middle disaster struck. Light faded before ing manoeuvres if necessary, had ing at them, even to the point that sequence. we managed to start the second of not been working at the end of the not capsizing once another boat ended up in the water our final afternoon races, meaning day. So we decided to stick with too. During our first few races we “we set off to show we would have to pack up the boats, them on Sunday.) We didn’t have throughout the whole improved steadily, proving that the reducing the chance of having a hot as many races on the Sunday, and weekend” best way to learn some sports is by the new members how shower when we got back to the club were finished by lunchtime. Our throwing yourselves into a competi- house. It also meant we would have final race was the best one we had After that, it was back to the tion (as the other teams had already much fun it can be!” to rig the boats before our first race all weekend: the wind was very light, warmth, and a good laugh at those been to several competitions in the in the morning at 9, making it an and we managed some good starts. who still had round robin races to last few weeks along with substan- Towards the end of the day, the even earlier start than on Saturday. The course was not as small as on complete. We left with only a few tial practice for the events). initial round robin was over and we The Saturday evening is what the the Saturday, and we managed to victories behind us, but after having Several races were led by our had managed to make it into the Loughborough sailing competition use some of the manoeuvres we a fantastic time, and proving that boats, and the afternoon climaxed Silver League, however the wind is known in the sailing calendar for, had learnt over the weekend. This we were good sailors by not cap- with our first team win by having had dropped and our final race of and we were not disappointed. That resulted in some fierce team racing, sizing once throughout the whole our boats cross the line in 1st, 2nd, the day involved the smallest course is until we had to get up in the morn- with all boats finishing within a cou- weekend. felix Thursday 12 January 2006 www.felixonline.co.uk 23

Sport [email protected] We’re still here, just less Carry on ICSM 4ths vocal than last year! 7th XI end 2005 on a comical note Felix (a different Felix) fairly experienced scrum and can hold their own against most teams, Sam Styles but Roehampton had some, shall we Womens Rugby say, interesting scrum techniques! Twisting, collapsing, wonky, injuries, IC Virgins Autumn Term Digest badly fed balls, balls coming straight Mens Football out, you name it – it went wrong! Still, when the scrums did even- Imperial College 7th XI 4 tually lead to play, Spandex made ICSM 4th XI 2 Well, we’ve been somewhat quiet some awesome steals to put us back recently, but don’t worry, we’re still on the attack. Then our advantage rucking, mauling, drinking and cre- really came into play. We may have Regular readers of Felix’s outstand- ating our usual brand of chaos! As been down a player compared to ing Sport section will doubtless recall for a quick summary of the term Roehampton, but our backs ran that back in October, IC’s favourite so far: rings around them! Storming runs pirate-themed football team hand- We picked up record numbers from pretty much all of them gained ed the dirty, cheating medics a 7-1 of freshers at the start of term us valuable ground. The Flash man- spanking. With the memory of the and headed off for our first match aged to skip round three of them to Harlington massacre still weighing against GKT. We have quite a his- score our opener. We hadn’t learnt heavy on the minds of both teams, tory against GKT and this year was though and were still taking it into the Mighty Mighty Sevens had sev- no exception (we even pinched one mauls, then either losing ground eral questions that needed answer- of their best players, she defected to or the ref deciding nothing would ing: Could the medics really play IC this year!). We came through vic- come of it. Roehampton fought back as badly again? Would they have a torious, 12-5 with virgin tried from after going down in the scoring and kit? Were they going to give up on Tumbles and newbie The Flash. St crashed over the line just before football mid-way through the first Mary’s were second and a slightly half-time to even the score. half and start another kick-boxing A cut-out-and-keep guide: How to splaff on medics à la Sam different story. A bedraggled vir- After a team talk, we went into the tournament? Only time would tell. gin squad (and two rather plucky second half with a different tactic The air was tinged with anticipa- Szczczczczesiak for his first IC goal. At 4-0 up and with everything going lacrosse girls that we managed to and saw almost immediate results. tion as the battle-lines were drawn. Unconfirmed reports indicating that swimmingly, the Seven’s pirate ship snaffle) battled hard but lost 55-0. It seemed Roehampton were not Sam deliberately lost the coin-toss he may have been hiding behind the suddenly sprang a leak. A long ball The third match saw us run out 27- familiar with the concept of rucking and the medics fell into his trap goal prior to the corner being taken (surprise, surprise) from the med- 10 winners against Wye and again (kind of just standing there and look- of changing ends, an early mental remain unconfirmed at the time of ics keeper was uncharacteristically gave us virgin tries, this time from ing at us) and going to ground four victory for the Sevens. The game going to press. missed by the otherwise outstand- Cherry P and GKT. times in succession took us almost began with the kick-off, in the tradi- Sam made it 2-0 to IC with a ing Seven’s defence, and cheating So, onto the matter in hand: to their try line. After the usual tional fashion. Early medics pres- screamer (see diagram), a curl- ex-IC player John Scott scored with Roehampton. This was a home 5 scrums, the ball was spun out sure suggested that IC may have a ing first-time strike from 25 yards a neat, if somewhat Judas-esque match and we arrived at the pitch to the backs where a blinding run tougher challenge on their hands into the bottom corner. That was finish. Another almost identical goal (or should I say sand pit) and won- from GKT nearly gave us our second this time round, although the Sevens the way the score stayed until half- followed shortly after and the pirate dered if Roehampton had brought try, but unfortunately the pass to almost pinched a goal on the coun- time. The Sevens finally clicked ship had entered uncharted, stormy any backs. Faced with an opposition Tumbles on the line was forwards ter attack after Sam chipped the into top gear after the restart and waters. With captain Sam setting composed almost entirely of props, and we were denied. GKT shortly ball over the medics’ centre-back threw everything they had at the a fine example by losing his head some of our slimmer players looked afterwards went off down the pitch and lobbed the keeper, only to see medics. Debutant Matias scored while all around him were also los- a bit worried! again (towards the bar, apparently the ball fly inches wide. Eventually, the third after skinning his marker ing theirs, IC began to panic and a We kicked off and found that she could smell the beer!) and this the IC defence took the sting out of and placing the ball into the far nervous 20 minutes ensued. A cou- appearances hadn’t been deceiv- time got through to make it 10-5. We the medics attack, and the Sevens corner, and the Sevens fourth goal ple of let-offs and near-misses later, ing and Roehampton weren’t the continued to ruck and pushed our began to get a foothold in the game. came after another piece of comedy however, the storm subsided and fastest opposition we’d ever come advantage. The Flash was held up The first goal came when Sam’s medic defending when the centre IC’s pirate ship emerged battered up against! What they were good on the line, but we came back again corner was headed in at the back back chested Pete’s cross into his but unbowed with a 4-2 victory. at, however, was mauling, commit- and Tumbles sprinted round several post by a suspiciously unmarked own goal, 4-0 IC. ting a sheer force of bodyweight players to extend our lead. We spent that the virgins couldn’t match. most of the rest of the game reset- So despite spending a lot of time ting scrums again and despite some in the Roehampton half, we spent good kicking from Roehampton, most of it in futile mauls going managed to avoid our half entirely. nowhere and knackering the for- Forward of the match went to our RSM in derby day victory wards! It was then that the main new girl Ali (so new she doesn’t have banter with their captain on the utes. After introducing the midfield- feature of the game started happen- a bar name yet!) who gave cracking Samuel Phillips sidelines, we took to the pitch facing ers to the backs at half time, they ing – scrums. And more scrums. support throughout. Back went to ever-increasing bad light with the started (finally) to work together Oh, and some more scrums. I’m GKT for general fabulousness. A floodlights out of action. and the second half was slightly less not sure if we had a scrum that special mention should also go to Mens Hockey The IC 4ths started at a blistering scrappy. The 4ths were still match- worked first time throughout the Monkey, continuing the virgin tradi- pace and had the run around of a ing us all over the pitch but when whole match! The virgins have a tion of kicking props! RSM XI 3 particularly lethargic RSM defence our chances came we took them. Imperial College 4th XI 0 for the first 10 mins. However, after Charles Thornton being the first to a few last ditch tackles from Mikey open the RSM account with a very Please send your sports reports, reviews and plenty of ‘organising’ (shout- tidy goal. After that, the miners saw ing abuse) from the goalkeeper off a very reasonable attempt by the and comments to Sam, the situation stabilised and 4ths to score and Nick decided to In typical cheeky style, the miners the miners began to play. Pikey, our put another one away for safety. By [email protected] hitched a ride on the IC hockey defender, was by this point injured this point our opposition were still coach heading out to Harlington. as tradition now dictates and played fighting tooth and nail but Charles P After a last minute bail from one an entire match in agony, hence the managed to slot another goal away team member, we were left with special mention. The midfield was and give us a rather flattering score 10 men until Alice bravely volun- a battlefield’s worth of carnage in line. teered to play in a men’s match (it’s what would turn out to be a very This was certainly not a case of legal – check the rule book), then scrappy and gritty game. Tim, Alice beautiful hockey but we showed we promptly missed the coach. Never Nick and Mikey never really being could scrap it out with the best of fear, the rugby coach was only too able to find the space they needed to them and get three points on the happy to let the belle of the RSM play properly in midfield, resorted board. And Alice floored her mark- hockey club have a seat on their to a war of attrition. Neither team er, much to his surprise. The post coach, as you might imagine. After managed to take an upper hand match celebrations were every bit a surprisingly quiet ride with the in the first half but IC had clearly as messy as the game itself; we wish Imperial College Lodge opposition, we set about watching spotted our danger man, Charles Charles P a swift recovery. Quote of the IC 1sts match before us while P having to deal with two or three the day/champagne moment goes IC 4ths hit their warm-up routine. markers at any one time. to an anonymous IC 4ths player for Interested in Fre emasonry? At one point they were all doing At half time the score was 0-0 and replying to Nick’s post-match hand- communal stretches in a circle and there was no certainty of victory. shake with that well known sports- Co ntact: felix-a d@iclo dge.org we thought for a minute they might In fact, the IC 4ths had matched us manlike adage: ‘f*ck you’. Thanks burst into song. We were, however, in every department and given us IC 4ths for a tough game and well spared. After plenty of pre-match a good scare in the opening min- done to RSM. felix 24 www.felixonline.co.uk Thursday 12 January 2006

sport [email protected] Eat Lard, Climb Hard IC climbers report from far afi eld Matt Wallace and Swanage. There is no feeling they have been restored and extend- like standing at the base of a rock ed for visiting walkers and climbers. face, belaying a climber with waves Whilst never as hard as the normal Mountaineering lapping at your feet as the tide slow- climbing, they give the opportuni- ly but surely advances towards your ty to move fast and safely through ledge. There are plenty of less scary stunning mountain scenery, with lit- The last time I remember an article spots in England, but none are as tle effort. about ICMC in Felix was when a atmospheric and special as the sea Another high point was climbing wheel fell off our minibus. Come to cliffs. by the lake itself, for many of us our think of it, the time before that was With the variety and quality of rock first attempt at deep water soloing. when we rolled another one. Since only a few hours drive from London, This involves climbing up the rock then, Kev has left and the quality you may ask why we ever go abroad. face to around 40 feet without a rope, of Union minibuses has improved As you can imagine, the weather is and then jumping into the lake. It’s dramatically, so I’d like to correct our enemy. Swanage may be glori- the most wonderful feeling – to be this potentially negative impression ous on warm sunny days, but warm able to climb without a harness on of the club and persuade you that sunny days are in short supply in a hot day and then cool off in fresh getting out of London and climb- England. Therefore, during the holi- water. All in all this year’s summer ing is the only way to spend your days, we head off in search of drier trip was a fantastic success. weekends. climes and warmer temperatures. Unfortunately, London isn’t sur- When I ask most people why they Last year, club members climbed rounded by sunbathed mountains, don’t climb, I get the answer that in the US, France, Thailand, Spain, but it does contain some of Europe’s they don’t like heights. In fact, nei- Croatia and, most recently for our biggest and best climbing walls. ther do many climbers. Although summer tour, a very successful trip These may not be the same as real the sport was originally the domain to Lake Garda in Italy, organised by rock, but you can build up strength, of Victorian gentlemen looking for our untiring president Herman. stamina and technique in safety and exotic ways to die, it has evolved During the summer, Lake Garda comfort during the week. We also now into many different disciplines. itself is filled with people sailing, use climbing centres to teach fresh- Traditionalists still seek adventure waterskiing, windsurfing and doing ers the basics of climbing, before in long difficult routes, but many of every other kind of watersport they go on the weekend trips. We us prefer to stick to leisurely sports imaginable, but surrounding it are have new people joining us through- climbing. “Boulderers”, another a series of low altitude mountains. out the year, many of whom have breed, concentrate on technique, These constitute the southern end never even seen a rope before. So building up strength and skill on of the Dolomites, the chain that runs if you are interested at all in climb- short, intense, and well protected north through Italy, becoming the ing, want something to take your (safe) climbs. Alps. You won’t find any snow or ice mind off work, or are looking for There are plenty of opportunities at such a low altitude, so the area is something more exciting than jog- to try these styles of climbing, and packed with a variety of warm and Don’t look down! Alex half-way up the Penon D’Ifach in Costa Blanca ging around Hyde Park, then come more, on our fortnightly weekend spectacular rock routes. along and join us. We meet in Beit trips around the UK. Peak District Despite my addiction to the local selves off an overhanging buttress into a night-time epic. Quad, by the Union entrance, at gritstone and Dartmoor granite pizzarias and gelaterias in Arco (the just above the routes. Taking advan- Unique to the Dolomites are “Via 1pm every Wednesday. All you need provide technical short routes and town in which we were staying), tage of the thirsty outdoor folk is a Ferrata”, “Iron roads” of guide- to bring are comfortable clothes to bouldering, and anything from long the highlight of the trip for me was small bar at the base of this crag. rails and ladders bolted to the rock climb in, so come and get involved! rock routes to frozen waterfalls can “Placche Zibrate”, a collection of It even had binoculars so we could through the mountains. They were For more information email markus. be found in Wales. However, my routes up an unbroken 500m slab of enjoy a cold drink at dusk while originally constructed so that the [email protected], or go to our favourite areas are the limestone rock. This area is also popular with watching our fellow climbers’ head Italian army could move quickly website www.union.ic.ac.uk/moun- sea cliffs on the coasts of Pembroke BASE jumpers, who throw them- torches as their relaxed route turns through the Dolomites, but recently taineering.

Quick Crossword by Fishface

1 2 3 5 4 5 6 Across Down 1. Slaughterhouse (8) 1. Once more (5) 7 4. Crustacean (4) 2. Red fruit (6) 7. Group of people gathered together (8) 3. Drawings (13) 7 8 9 9. New Zealander (inf.) (4) 5. Destroy (4) 10. Favouritism given to relatives (8) 6. Court officer who takes away 12. Intelligent but socially inept individual possessions (7) (4) 8. Light evening meal (6) 10 13. Attempt (3) 11. Kindness or affection (6) 14. Part of leg (4) 12. Upper section of theatre (7) 14 11 16. Long narrow flag or banner (8) 15. Large cup (6) 19. Snakelike fishes (4) 17. Abbreviation for a copy or duplicate (5) 12 13 14 20. Establishment selling literary works (8) 18. At a low speed (4) 21. Open mouth wide (4) 17 15 22. Strong coffee (8) Crossword 16 16 17 setters 18 required! 19 24 20

21 22 [email protected]