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@pujoldotrocks 22 21 20 @doug_leonard 19 drove me from inside the bar to the back patio. There I joined a “School’s In” Japanese businessman/fellow Dutch greenhorn who must have Crud’s Corner felt the same way about that damn ruckus. He caught me wincing by Crud Phlegming and offered me temporary comfort in the form of a cigarette. I noticed that it was Pepsi’s brand (No not PEPSI cigarettes, my It’s midnight in Holland. A rather obnoxious wave of friend Pepsi’s cigarettes) and that got to thinkin’ on me. You humidity has occupied this curious little village that skirts The might say that me and Pepsi are outsiders in Balogne’s tour world Hague and it’s left us all in a state of downright soggy swampi- in the same way that me and Toshi here are outsiders to this tude. I’m having a drink in one of those uniquely Netherlandish evening’s strange Dutch happening. After making that connec- all night wicker joints. I couldn’t say exactly what it was that tion, many others began appearing to me. For example, my sour pulled me into this particular exotic dive. Maybe it was the oddly relationship to the rompus in the bar might be akin to my inability inviting wicker gargoyle out front, the chortling man playing to connect with the Most Balogne hysteria. My being drawn into accordion on the roof, or perhaps it was the indefinable light ra- this all night wicker joint might be akin to the pull that brought diating out from within - bursting through every little split board me on tour in the first place. The unexpected enjoyment of this and window. Speculation aside, something told me that within, strange gin drink might be akin to the mysterious story that I past the wildly perplexing veneer, there was something to be think I’m slowly chipping away at on this journey. Therefore, in discovered. Inside was an opportunity to, as the locals would put accordance with the logic of this metaphor, this dusty, canopic it, “seek my woades.” jar with a lid in the form of a brooding penguin that was abruptly I have the infamous Nashville native Pepsi McDermitt given to me by a one-legged gentleman clad in seriously only a to thank for orchestrating the conditions that put me here. See, burlap hood must represent some unnoticed, or as of yet undis- we’ve been slingin’ gobs of deli meat tees, me and Dermbo, covered, arcane reservoir stuffed with ethereal truths that will be from the merch table on superstar Most Balogne’s “School’s In” given to me by something...um...unexpected? European tour. When the sweet rumors of this tour fell on mine Mr. Balogne’s future plans include bounce houses for own ears, I reached out to Pepsi, who worked for Balogne, and those without homes, enough pinwheels to generate infinite pow- I asked him if I could tag along. For some reason, I felt a strong er, and continuing to collect bug spray for his DEET drive to fight pull to further explore this “School’s In” phenomenon. A pull West Nile. I will continue to follow my intuition (what I call my coming from something many layers deeper than the surface sto- “Mind Sprite”) with the faith that whatever it is I’m after will at ry - Balogne’s mission to “save this slushed up world by educa- some point reveal itself. tin’ the masses ‘bout clean energy shiz and feedin’ all ‘em hungry ones,” in other words, this year’s most grand example of a money “They say that music don’t feed no one, but I’m like...deli machine cloaked in some shiny, righteous philanthropic pretense. meats does.” - Most Balogne Anyways, we are halfway through this tour and I’m still asking mostbalogne.bandcamp.com myself, “From where has this mysterious pull of mine originat- ed?” Well, whilst soaking here in the thick Dutch air and sip- ping this inexplicably satisfying concoction of tuber gin, mango chutney, and hard seltzer locally know as the Amster-Damn It, my mind makes yet another rabid attempt to draw a conclusion about my current situation. “It’s obvious you’ve hopped this cold cut gilly wagon in order to figure out what you have, or should have, in your life that makes you as ecstatic as the fans you’ve seen at these concerts.” In their shoes, you see the lights go down and you hear a low rumble as the gargantuan meat locker stage piece opens up and your cultural icon Most Balogne, shrouded in fog, cruises out in a slamm’d Mercades Sprinter sporting an appropriately lame wrap that reads, “You Gonna Learn Today!” Thick purple smoke begins to spew from the van’s impressive top mounted exhaust as Balogne gets out, reaches up to the large, kitschy fake freezer knob on the side of the meat locker, and turns it from “Sucking Power”, past “Indifference”, and down to “Conserve the Green.” The pageant progresses and you wade in elation as the band plays all your songs. The show closes when Most Balogne, along with twelve other (hopefully well compensated) people dressed as slices of pepperoni, emerges with a t-shirt cannon. He yells “Ya’ll hungry?” then begins firing hard salami into the crowd while ask- ing “How ‘bout now?” The show, as a strategy for environmental education outreach and sacking world hunger, is ineffective at best. However, it’s one hell of a spectacle. ...and so was the incessant clogging that eventually 18 17 “Did it come out in the 70s?” Kurtstina asked, maintaining “Any way,” All That continued, “this old bitch that lives a straight face. across the street kept walking her scraggly ass poodle in Dreamweaver Part 1 front of the window, and I thought, you know, one day Terri By: Lebbie Marrow “Yeah, I guess. I mean that is when all the classic rock is going to see that dog and jump through this front window came out, am I right?” All That smiled at his own cool. and kill him. I went outside and told her she should stay on her side of the street. She told me to control my dog and Dreamweaver Part 1 By: Lebbie Marrow “Whew! I don’t know what they put in this nail stuff, but it “It’s ‘Dreamweaver” by Gary Wright. Bingo had the album. mind my own business. I flipped her off and walked back will about get you high!” He grinned and Kurstina had to I used to listen to all Bingo’s albums when I stayed with inside. No sooner was in the door than Terri had busted Kurstina had worn thigh high socks and rolled the waist- admit, he did have good teeth. ZeZe.” out the window and torn that poodle to bits - I mean there band of her uniform skirt up two times to get it short was blood and body parts all over her and the sidewalk like enough. This resulted in a two day suspension, just as she “It’s an acrylic polymer.” She said flatly. Bingo didn’t like her messing with his records, but nobody, somebody had exploded a freezer at the Kentucky Fried had planned. She now sat in her uncle Bingo’s nail salon, not even Old Domino second guessed ZeZe. Kurtirena Chicken.” having a set of long acrylic nails applied. The technician He ignored her response - very All That - and began twirling had told her that ZeZe gave Old Domino the scar that ran was having a hard time getting smooth coverage because a bottle of nail polish between his fingers like a baton. The across this upper chest. Before they were married, they “Gross,” Kurtstina muttered. of the high arch of Kurstina’s nail beds. tech gave him a slightly irritated look and turned on the UV were making out in Old Domino’s car. He tried to put his drying light and fan. hand up her skirt, so ZeZe grabbed an empty Coke bottle “It was that,” agreed All That. “I went out, and called Terri “Drop the ball and then let it flow for a minute before you off the floor board, busted it against the dashboard and down - he is well trained. She is lucky he was still tearing at start brushing it out,” Kurtstina said to the technician, “and “Put hands in the box, don’t move them,” she said to Kurt- sliced him across the chest. A few inches higher, and she that poodle’s carcass, I mean the bitch should have been put a tiny bit of acetone on your brush.”. stina as she dropped her brushes in solution. She marched would have cut this throat. She then got out of the car, took away, her flip flops angrily slapping the tile floor with her off her heels and smashed out every one of his lights. She grateful, you know. Terri would have and could have just as easily gone for her too, but she started screaming that she “You do nails?” the tech asked. every step. began to walk back to town barefoot. Old Domino followed beside her in the car all the way, bloodied and begging her was going to call the police and a bunch of shit about me, “Nah, but I read a lot, especially chemistry and science All That sat down across from Kurtstina. “I got news. Dom- forgiveness and promising to treat her like a queen forever. and I just got right up in her face and said, ‘Go ahead and stuff.” Kurstina loved learning; she just hated school.

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