THE NEXT DISASTER No Pain How Bad Are We No Pills! Lawsuits Prepared? NEW RESEARCH Hurt YOU

UMA on 10 WAYS TO breaking up & bouncing back Are You Rude? Take Our Quiz NEVER GIVE UP Inspiring 6Stories 10800

July 2006 $2.99 rd.com JULY *76 2006 The Next Disaster ARE WEH AMERICA IN YOUR POCKET H READY? FEATURES * ALICE LIPOWICZ A special report * 116 How Rude Are You? on 10 high-risk NEENA SAMUEL & JOSEPH K. VETTER cities. Courtesy is kaput. Or is it? Our global survey will surprise you. * 84 ‘They Said I Couldn’t’ 122 Dam Break! GARY SLEDGE WILLIAM M. HENDRYX Six inspiring stories of people The family was fast asleep. who never gave up. The next moment they were 109 You Be the Judge fighting for their lives. ROBIN GERBER * 130 Face to Face with If you jump in the ocean, you Uma Thurman LAURA YORKE swim at your own risk. Right? On breaking up, bouncing back, 112 Starstruck and why it’s great to vent. PETER LESCHAK When I finally bought a fancy telescope, I saw the universe in a whole new light.

* Summer Weight-Loss Special GOLDMAN SUSAN (BACKGROUND) MILCHAN; (THURMAN) YARIV COVER: 92 Control 98 When It Pays Your Cravings to Play PAULA DRANOV KATHRYN CASEY Go ahead, take a bite. Remember how active Ten new ways to we used to be? Here’s how

outwit your weight. to get back in the habit. MANGO PRODUCTIONS/CORBIS 4 102 Why Me? LISA COLLIER COOL Heather was only 33 and had never smoked. How could she have lung cancer?

136 Cheated Out of * 154 No Pain, No Pills House and Home “MAYO CLINIC ON CHRONIC PAIN” MAX ALEXANDER How to keep your aching back Don’t let these latest scams or trick knee from ruining happen to you. your life. 143 Stray From 162 BONUS READ the Heart ALANNA NASH PHOTOGRAPHED BY SHONNA VALESKA BY PHOTOGRAPHED Jordie the cat came into our lives at exactly the right time. SHIPWRECKED 146 Secrets and Lies KENNETH MILLER LAWRENCE OTIS GRAHAM A family’s dream trip around To claim his inheritance, he’d have the world suddenly turned to reveal his true identity. into a nightmare. * ON THE COVER 5 JULY 2006

COLUMNS

33 That’s Outrageous! ILLUSTRATED BY KIRSTEN ULVE KIRSTEN BY ILLUSTRATED Bad Lawsuits MICHAEL CROWLEY

45 My Planet ANDY SIMMONS

51 Health IQ MICHAEL F. ROIZEN, MD, & MEHMET C. OZ, MD 57 Money Makers MARIA BARTIROMO 75 67 Ask Laskas JEANNE MARIE LASKAS All-American

200 RD Challenge WILL SHORTZ

DEPARTMENTS

15 You Said It 19 Only in America 27 Everyday Heroes 41 Word Power 60 Humor in Uniform 63 All in a Day’s Work

19 Feeling jammed yet? IMAGES BANK/GETTY IMAGE MCALISTER/BURKEY/THE 75 Quotable Quotes 152 Laughter, the Best Medicine 197 Life in These United States

179 RDLIVING This Fourth of July, get away without leaving home. Picnic on firecracker fried chicken, sip a healthy new iced tea, and play a round of Qolf while Fido puzzles over Molecuball.

180 Health 188 Home 192 You

184 Food 190 Cars 194 Pets IMAGES BANK/GETTY IMAGE LWA/THE RD Presents

Picnic Time! (great, free recipes)

Reader’s Digest is proud to announce a new partnership with Allrecipes.com, the world’s largest online community of home cooks. The site features 30,000 great American recipes, each created, tested and reviewed by users. And just in time for summer, Allrecipes.com is offering a collection of its Top Ten 5-star (★★★★★) picnic recipes—exclusively for you. This 12-page gift to RD readers is avail- able for free download at allrecipes.com/picnic. So take a look, grab your shopping list, and put together an outdoor feast your family can really dig into. WARD SCHUMAKER WARD Summer Slim-Down RD DIGITAL Ready to put on that swimsuit? If not, Check out our high-tech offerings. ChangeOne, RD’s official diet and fitness pro- >>RD.COM gram, can help you meet The family-friendly place to go for your goals. Get one games, jokes, recipes, story updates, month free! For details, interviews, RD exclusives, contests, visit changeonediet.com/summer. customer care (rd.com/help) and more. >>RD OUT LOUD Pain at the Pump rd.com/podcasts Gas prices got you down? During Weekly podcasts that take this vacation driving season, you behind the scenes. make a pledge to consume less >>DIGITAL EDITION fuel by using some of our save-a- rd.com/digital gallon tips. Even little changes Each month’s issue delivered right help! Go to rd.com/saveagallon to learn more. to your computer. 8 GO AHEAD: MAKE US LAUGH

veryone has a funny story. Just send us yours, and if Ewe publish it in Reader’s Digest, you’ll be laughing all the way to the bank. Here’s how it works: WE PAY $100-$300 for material we print in Life in These United States, All in a Day’s Work, Humor in Uniform, and $100 for material we print in Laughter, the Best Medicine, Quotable Quotes or elsewhere. THE RULES Please note your name, address and phone number with all submissions. Previously published material must include the name, date, page number, Web address or other source identification. Original items should be less than 100 words, and if we select and pay for your item, we will own all rights. All contributions may be edited and cannot be acknowledged or returned. We may run your item in any section of our magazines, or elsewhere. If we receive more than one copy of the same or a similar item, we pay only for the one we select.

HOW TO SUBMIT JOKES AND ANECDOTES ■ Go to rd.com/joke to submit original material ■ To enclose funny items clipped from other sources, mail to: Humor, Reader’s Digest, Box 100, Pleasantville, New York 10572-0100

Rates are subject to change; for current information, please visit rd.com.

12 ILLUSTRATED BY BENITA EPSTEIN YOU SAID IT LETTERS ON THE MAY ISSUE

The air tent (#36, America’s Best Cover-Up) caught 100 Best my attention. When my husband and I were than berman, honeymooning in Spain, head of Risk- we rented a tent from EMetrics Group, is an elderly British cou- an example of what a ple and camped on the leader should be (#93, beach. The small tent Best Payback). In this had crisscross “air age of scandals, huge beams” with an exten- bonuses and corporate sion pole in the center. bankruptcies, he is unique for ac- Five minutes with a foot pump, and knowledging his “overly generous we had it standing. raise” was “due more to his workers’ Well, what goes up must come efforts than his own.” down. When we finally emerged KATHLEEN HOOVER, Holtwood, Pennsylvania from the collapsed tent the next morning, sweating, disheveled and The giant peach water tower in looking like a couple of newlyweds Gaffney, South Carolina (#46, Best who’d made a night of it, we were Skyscrapers) isn’t just a water tower greeted by our highly amused hosts. to my family. Our youngest is treated We suspected they’d unscrewed at Shriners Hospital for Children in the valve and had a little fun at our Greenville, and the drive there is expense. They predicted that with over six hours. The giant peach is our sense of humor and knack for our landmark for “almost there!” teamwork, we’d have a long, happy SUSAN JACKSON, Columbia, North Carolina marriage. And we certainly did— 35 years. SHIRLEY KUKTA, Lake Forest, California I’ve got more entries for #10, Best Street Names: Avenue Avenue in A Promise Kept White Oak, North Carolina; Street Street in Anoka, Minnesota; Way om hallman’s story about An- Cool Way in Wishon, California; tonio Seay, the young man who Losers Loop in Sula, Montana; and Tgot legal custody of his siblings, the “last” street in the country— was incredible (“Brotherly Love”). ZZZZ Street in Kearney, Nebraska. With many of our young people JOE SNYDER, Nipomo, California falling victim to drugs and lack of 15 RD I JULY 2006 guidance or motivation, here is a used to it. But it’s smart to check with family who is going against all odds. your doctor. DR. ROIZEN AND DR. OZ Antonio’s willingness to un- selfishly sacrifice his plans and be- Best Fish Tale come a “father” to four teens is a tribute to their mom and the values was crying by the time I finished she instilled in her children. “Whale of a Rescue” about the CONNIE MAYFIELD, Spokane Valley, Washington I50-ton humpback that got tangled in ropes and nearly drowned. If Antonio has a business degree I, too, have looked eye to eye with and has shown the initiative and or- a humpback, while on a whale watch ganizational skills to have a job, care in Hawaii. It is truly a never-to-be- for a family and inspire his siblings forgotten moment! That whale knew to achieve, why aren’t Miami com- those men were trying to help her. panies breaking down his door to TERRY WESTDYKE, Sussex, New Jersey hire him for a better-paying manage- ment position? Come on, Miami, HOW TO good deeds should be rewarded. REACH US FLO SAMUELS, Hayward, California Letters to the Editor ■ [email protected] Grapefruit Concern ■ You Said It, Reader’s Digest, Box 200, Pleasantville, New York 10572-0200 n “the buzz” section of “Health Include your full name, address, e-mail IQ ,” it says that a grapefruit a and daytime phone number. We may edit letters, and use them in all print and Iday lowers cholesterol in pa- electronic media. tients with heart disease. This is Submissions true, but as a pharmacist, I tell pa- For short humor items, please see page tients to avoid grapefruit juice and 12. We regret that we cannot accept or acknowledge unsolicited artwork, pho- grapefruit if they are on certain tographs or article-length manuscripts. medications, including some choles- Save Time Go Online terol-lowering statins. Grapefruit Subscriptions, payments, changes of interferes with the body’s ability to address, account information, inquiries metabolize some medications. at 877-732-4438 or rd.com/help. Subscriptions WENDY T. CRICK, RPH, Mount Juliet, Tennessee ■ RD, Box 7823, Red Oak, Iowa 51591-0823 If you’re starting a new prescrip- Moving? tion, tell your pharmacist if you regu- ■ RD, Dept. CHADD, larly consume grapefruit. Ask about Box 7809, Red Oak, Iowa 51591-0809 potential problems. Otherwise, you Reprints may not need to alter your intake of ■ rd.com/reprints (min. 500 copies) this healthy fruit, since your system is 16 ONLYAmerica IN IDEAS, TRENDS, AND INTERESTING BITS FROM ALL OVER Getting Mighty Crowded in Here

Does it feel like it’s harder than ever to nation added 32.7 million people during maintain your personal space? Maybe the 1990s—the highest one-decade in- it is. Sometime this October, the Census crease in the nation’s history. The surge Bureau predicts, the U.S. population will isn’t slowing down: Experts see the popu- top 300 million. That’s nearly double the lation approaching 400 million by 2040. number of people who called this coun- Meanwhile, we’ve got only so much try home just 50 years ago. No wonder space. We can’t just expand to handle there’s less elbowroom. the growth. So we’ll have to accept more The United States, it seems, is going bumping up against one another—and through an adolescent growth spurt. The learn to do it with minimal bruising. “The more people we have in a limited territory,” says Joel Cohen, demogra- pher and author of How Many People Can the Earth Support? “the more we’ll have to make trade-offs.” Here’s one to consider: Let’s preserve our wide-open spaces. They come in handy when we can flee the crowds. MCALISTER/BURKEY/THE IMAGE BANK/GETTY IMAGES BANK/GETTY IMAGE MCALISTER/BURKEY/THE

Learn more from the Nature Conservancy. Visit rd.com/green. 19 RD I JULY 2006 Bleacher Creatures alk about the dog days of summer. More and more Major League baseball teams—including the TChicago White Sox, Florida Marlins and, this year, the Oakland Athletics—now host a bring-your- pooch-to-the-park promotion each season. (Chicago’s came first, in 1996.) In most cases, a section of outfield stands is re- served for fans and their pet pals, with spe- cific areas set aside for when nature calls. And if Rex doesn’t reach the designated spot in time? Guess that’s when you count on your cleanup hitter.

THE BIG IDEA versity of Phoenix survey found that 23 percent of working adults don’t like their A Sweet Change careers and want to switch—just like the A year ago, Kimberly Reindl, 35, was an Washington crew. The trio signed up, via FCC lawyer in Washington, D.C. Peter Kurth, to work last year under master Clement, 38, was a financial analyst. Portland chocolatier Jack Elmer, spend- They and friend Paul Allulis, 38, also a ing long hours cranking out truffles—and lawyer, had secure, high-paying jobs. loving it. Soon after getting home, Reindl But “we all felt we were lacking some- and Clement quit their jobs (and self- thing in our careers,” says Clement. employed Allulis says he’ll join them That something turned out to be full-time soon). Now they’re ordering chocolate. gear, testing recipes and preparing to In spring 2005, Reindl read about an open their new Baltimore store, Man- Oregon-based company called Vocation- zanita Chocolate, later this year. Call Vacations. Started in 2004 by Brian it their just deserts. Kurth, a former corporate exec who’d seen his father work for years in an insurance job he hated, the firm offers people the chance to test-drive a dream by spending up to sev- eral days working at one of 75 jobs—actor, brewmaster, cat- From left: tle rancher—with a pro. Allulis, Demand surely exists for Reindl, such a service. A 2004 Uni- Clement

20 C Forget theLipstick, swear afew timesaday. Solet’s notblamethemfor thisnew family curse. Where dothey pickupthishabit?Not Mom: Just 4% ofwomen over 45 men 45 andup, 48%swear afew timesaweek; 14%, afew timesaday. age); nearly 1in4oftheseyoung women swear several timesaday. Among at leastafew timesaweek (apercentage equalto thatofmenthesame 61% ofwomen ages 18-44 swear cent AP/Ipsos pollfound that men—sometimes more. Are- days, women swear asmuch RD Just Pass theSoap 22 private sector? Checkoutthese recent space-age gems it’s helpedcreate: Did you know thatNASA’s mission includes spinning its technology off into the Stuff That’sStuff Really of This Out World RDC EXTRATERRESTRIAL EDGE PRODUCT locator Inc.’s fish Digital Media, With Outlast Socks TOE GOLD- Snuggle Hutch The Killing System The Mosquito JULY 2006 gender equality: These on themarch toward halk up I another milestone device emits heat andcarbon dioxide to mimicatasty, breathing NASA’s Marshall Space Flight Center inHuntsville, Alabama, this Developed by anAmerican firmwithhelpfrom engineers at human. Its interior electricgridthenfries hungrybugs. A GPS/satellite-info system thatclaims to detect where fish are hiding.Andonce you’ve cleaned and cooked nology moderates temperature andwicksaway mois- ture inmen’s GOLDTOE AllDay Comfort socks made Eddie Bauersweaters. with these fibers. Also available inselect khakisand your catch, wash itdown with a bigglass of Tang. This U.K.-built outdoor home for pet rabbits is peratures constant—and bunnies cozy—regard- less of weather conditions outside. Its NASA-designed fabric walls keep hutch tem- kinder to critters thanits bug-zapping cousin. Outlast’s NASA-developed Fabric Smart Tech-

ARTIGA PHOTO/MASTERFILE Worth Checking Out Before You Check In omestic travel is up, with tourists expected to spend D$674 billion jetting around the country this year. That’s fuel- ing a hotel-building boom: Nearly 450,000 new rooms are in the pipeline. Owners of existing hotels are responding with a makeover frenzy. “Renovation is the order of the day,” says Pat Ford of Lodging Econometrics, a lodging-industry consulting firm. The upshot: Hoteliers are ditching furniture—everything from bed sets to drapes to armchairs— that smart shoppers can find for low prices at stores like Hotel Surplus Outlet in Los An-

geles. One more reason not to swipe the towels. IMAGES CHRIS CRAYMER/STONE/GETTY

RD INDEX A quick review of some of the good, bad and ugly to cross our radar recently. YEA NAY

Soft-drink makers For agreeing to stop William Swanson For trying to pass selling most sodas in schools. A small off as original wisdom material that step, and a bit late, too, wasn’t his in Swanson’s Unwritten but we’ll raise a glass, Rules of Management. The Raytheon since it should help im- CEO broke one of the most basic rules: prove children’s health. Don’t claim others’ work as your own.

The U.S. Postal Service For its pro- The U.S. Postal Service posal to create a new “forever” stamp For tying its good idea for first-class mail. Once bought, the to a bad one: a new rate stamp could be used at any time in the hike. The service wants to raise the future without a sender needing to add price of a stamp from 39 to 42 cents postage when rates increase. That’s next year—after boosting it by 2 cents what we call pushing the envelope. in January. Return this one to sender.

24 ONLY IN AMERICA

THINGS We Don’t Want You to Miss

BOOK CD John McPhee’s Uncom- mon Carriers is a rollick- ing portrait of America from the sometimes RD’s picks for great scary vantage point of barge captains, truck ways to spend your drivers and freight-train free time this month engineers who haul all the stuff—from seafood to coal—that we GAME consume. Hop aBRIDGEd teaches be- aboard for ginners the basics of an eye- On The River in Reverse, bridge, making it easy opening British songsmith Elvis for the ride. On sale now Costello teams with New whole Orleans rhythm-and- family TV SHOW blues legend Allen Tous- to enjoy With Katie Couric tapped saint to produce a batch playing to helm CBS Evening of smoky, swampy and a hand. News, PBS’s American soulful songs. Listening Hard to Masters looks at iconic to it, the Crescent City trump anchor Walter Cronkite, sounds so strong you’d that. “the most trusted man in think the hurricane On sale mid-July America.” Airs 7/26 never hit. On sale 6/8 MOVIE The higher gas prices rise, the more we think about other options. In his docu- mentary Who Killed the Electric Car? Chris Paine probes the tortured life of what once looked to be a promising alternative. Right or wrong about where the blame for the car’s failure lies—and there seems to be

(CAR) COURTESY SONY PICTURES CLASSICS SONY PICTURES COURTESY (CAR) plenty to go around—it’s a timely take on an important topic. Opens 6/28 25 EVERYDAY HEROES

Taking the Plunge

BY GAIL CAMERON WESCOTT

ust past noon on a clear, windy day last Septem- Fortunately, trapeze instructors Jonah Spear (left) Jber, Jonah Spear and Paul Cannon can also handle themselves in water. and Paul Cannon were in the final stages of preparing ten out, can be a comforting distraction students, mostly beginners, to soar for novice daredevils who experi- through the air on a flying trapeze. ence last-minute jitters. Catching them midair would be the Since the school opened in 2001, 6'4" Cannon, swinging upside down nearly 17,000 people have felt the from the opposite direction with thrill and exhilaration of flying outstretched hands. Spear, a 24-year- through the air. Many return again old actor and gymnast, handled the and again. (Business is booming safety lines from below. “Like you since Al Roker, Kelly Ripa and oth- see in the circus,” says Cannon, 41. ers have taken their turns on TV.) Situated outdoors in lower Cannon and Spear have been Manhattan’s Hudson River Park, teaching since the school’s first days. Trapeze School New York looks Spear learned trapeze flying as a like a giant aluminum junglegym teenager, at a summer camp special- for grownups. Its takeoff platforms, izing in circus performing. When 23 feet in the air, offer spectacular a friend told him about Trapeze views of the Statue of Liberty and School, he showed up on the second Ellis Island—which, Spear points day, asking if more staff was needed.

PHOTOGRAPHED BY MARVI LACAR/GETTY IMAGES 27 RD I JULY 2006

The answer was yes. Cannon, who rope to a guardrail, but no one else was already on-board, trained him. appeared to be taking any action. Classes run two hours, and that “A lot of people seemed to expect Thursday morning, the group had somebody to do something,” says been working for nearly an hour and Spear. The two trapeze instructors a half. Spear was holding the safety decided they were on deck. Cannon lines for a student swinging on the dived in first, and Spear, carrying bar, while Cannon changed into the end of the rope, jumped right after him, wallet and cell “Got any rope?” a police phone still in his pocket, sneakers on his feet. officer called. “There’s The water was lukewarm and choppy, so dirty down a guy in the river.” below that it was impossi- tights and prepared to mount the ble to see anything. Cannon swam ladder for the culminating “catch as deep as he could and came up phase” of the class. empty. The victim was obviously Suddenly a police officer appeared sinking fast. at the front gate. “Got any rope?” he “We looked at each other,” says called. “There’s a guy in the river.” Spear, “and knew, without saying it, His tone seemed more matter-of-fact that the next dive was it. We both than urgent. Cannon went to the went down.” equipment shed to grab a spool of This rescue mission was not un- rope, while Spear kept working. like what the two men do together “Forward drop!” he yelled to his every day. “My extensive experience student, who, on command, plunged hurling myself to unimaginable two stories into the net below. As heights and letting Paul catch me the young woman scrambled to her made it very easy to jump in the feet, Spear stopped the class and water with him,” says Spear. “We’ve joined Cannon at the edge of the both tied knots and hung ropes on Hudson River, just 40 feet from which the other’s life depends.” the school. At a depth of about ten feet, They expected to toss a line to Cannon literally bumped into the someone splashing around or hang- drowning man. Groping clumsily, ing onto the retaining wall. Instead, he managed to grab one wrist. In looking into the murky water, they blue jeans and boots, the man was could barely make out a shadow. dead weight. And although Cannon “He’s sinking!” yelled someone in was in great physical shape—he’s an the small crowd that had gathered. expert mountaineer who recently “He’s under the water!” Police offi- summited Kilimanjaro—he was cers were busy tying the end of the rapidly running out of breath. Kick- 28 RD I JULY 2006 ing as hard as he could, he struggled minutes—the young man spit out to push the victim to the surface. a mouthful of water and started Spear swam over with the rope to breathe again. and helped raise the man’s head Alexander rolled him over on higher out of the water. His eyes his side into what’s called recovery were rolled back, and foam was position—arm up under his head coming out of his mouth. Certain he and one knee bent. The rest of the was dead, they strained to get the students gathered around to shield rope around his body. But the thin, him from the bright sunlight until lightweight cord used in trapeze- an ambulance arrived. spotting was difficult to hold in the A few days later, Spear and Can- water, and they couldn’t get enough non went to visit James Kue in slack to tug him out. Bellevue Hospital. Turns out he was Noticing some students standing visiting from Michigan and had onshore, Spear yelled for someone been in New York for only a few to toss down a safety belt. He dived days. He said he had no memory of again and managed to get the belt even being in the water, and no clue around the man’s waist and the rope how he wound up there. (According through one of the buckles. to the police report, no one is cer- Finally, police were able to pull tain exactly what happened.) the victim from the Hudson. By the “It was so amazing to see him time Cannon and Spear climbed with color in his cheeks, breathing,” out of the water, 23-year-old James says Spear. He took Kue’s hand and Kue was lying on his back receiving told him, “You got another chance. CPR from one of the trapeze stu- Now you can do anything.” dents. Audra Alexander, a stay-at- At Christmas, Kue sent an e-mail home mom from Indiana, used to to his rescuers, saying thanks, and teach CPR, so she knew just what to announcing that he hopes to return do. After four cycles of chest com- to Manhattan one day for a good pressions and breaths—nearly two swing on the trapeze.

HEY, WE GOT ONE!

My geography teacher always told us that not many people lived in Wyoming. But I never knew just how rare human sightings were until I came across a recent newspaper headline. It screamed “Man Found in Wyoming.” LOWELL WEED

30 FILLERS ILLUSTRATED BY JAMES MCMULLAN ®THAT’S OUTRAGEOUS! MICHAEL CROWLEY

Lawsuit Lunacy There’s big money in blaming others for your own bad luck. Too bad it costs all of us.

hree years ago Bob have been available. Was he laughed Dougherty had some bum out of court? Hardly. The lawsuit is luck at a Home Depot in slowly moving forward. Meanwhile, TLouisville, Colorado. the jerk who actually put glue on the Dougherty sat down on a toilet in toilet was never caught. the store’s bathroom—and couldn’t Three million bucks over toilet- get up. A prankster had smeared seat covers? That’s what passes for a glue on the seat, and Dougherty was legitimate lawsuit these days. People bonded to the toilet. As paramedics think the courtroom is the rushed him to the hospital, the proper place to take toilet seat came free—but not without leaving some skin be- hind. Ouch! Sounds like Dougherty had a horrible day, right? Not necessarily. You see, Dougherty is hoping to turn that really bad day into a really big payday. About two years after the incident, Dougherty wrote to Home Depot demanding $3 million in damages. When the company offered him just $2,000, he sued. Dougherty argued that the store was slow to help him and paper seat covers should Michael Crowley is a senior

PHOTOGRAPHED BY KAREN BALLARD/REDUX BY PHOTOGRAPHED editor at The New Republic.

ILLUSTRATED BY VICTOR JUHASZ 33 RD I JULY 2006 any beef, no matter how petty, em- $136 billion per year. Meanwhile, the barrassing or absurd. “This is a personal-injury lawyers—whose country where it’s hard to satirize smiling faces are plastered every- what people sue over, because it where on ads encouraging us to join tends to be overtaken by the reality,” the lawsuit parade—are laughing all says Walter Olson, a Manhattan the way to the bank. Institute fellow and the editor of These days, even people behaving Overlawyered.com. “And the in reckless or flat-out illegal ways message some of these lawsuits want to blame someone when their own stupidity burns them. One man backed a city Take Juan Alejandro Soto, who, after a night of drink- dump truck into his own ing, arrived with his friends at a closed New York City car and sued the city. subway platform. Rather send is that if something bad has than return to street level, the men happened to you, it must be some- decided to trek to the next station one else’s fault, and you must be along a nonpublic catwalk. (Ever owed compensation.” hear of a taxi, guys?) Sure enough, a It’s not just ridiculous—it affects train came along. But instead of all of us. Our society has become so standing as far from the tracks as sue-happy that the average federal possible, Soto tried to outrun it and, district judge fields 400 new cases tragically, was struck, losing both a year. With dockets so clogged with his legs. junk, it can take years for any legiti- Soto didn’t curse his foolishness mate case to wind its way through and give thanks he wasn’t killed, the courts. Justice delayed is justice however. He sued. Soto argued that denied. the conductor should have been All of these loony lawsuits hit our able to stop before hitting him, a wallets too. Insurance premiums theory he bolstered by describing skyrocket as everyone scrambles the typical speed he previously to cover his behind, court costs rise, reached on a treadmill. Incredibly, and astronomical settlements de- last March, a jury awarded Soto press corporate earnings and share- $1.4 million, despite a dissenting holder value. According to a White judge who said that Soto’s injuries House Council of Economic Advi- were “entirely his own fault.” sors estimate, the United States suf- But in our upside-down legal fers an excessive “litigation tax” of system, the word fault can mean strange things. For instance, in May Outraged? Write to Michael Crowley 2003, a trucker was driving on a at [email protected]. public road near Cedar Springs, 34 THAT’S OUTRAGEOUS!

Michigan, when a small Cessna it? But for Wanita Renea Young, it clipped the top of his landscaping was a traumatic experience. Young vehicle and crashed into a field. was terrified by the mystery knock; Miraculously, no one was hurt, and she spent the night at her sister’s it all seemed like a freak accident. house and went to the hospital the So imagine how the owner of Dean’s next day with an anxiety attack. All Landscaping felt when he found out over a knock and some cookies! that the plane owners wanted him After gently scolding the girls for to pay $21,000 for damages to the being out late (it was after 10 p.m.), Cessna. The plane owners con- a judge ended up awarding Young tended that, under the state’s no- $900 for her hospital bill. But in the fault insurance law, they weren’t ensuing media flurry, the girls were technically operating a “vehicle,” celebrated as heroes—and Young and because the plane was in the looked like a scrooge. air, the incident didn’t occur on a road—which meant they were enti- ou can almost go on forever. tled to compensation. It’s a kooky There’s the pimp in Florida argument, but two judges agreed, who sued his clients for get- and the landscaper’s insurance com- Yting him arrested. Or the pany coughed up the damages. New Mexico woman who took out And nothing takes the cake like a restraining order against David someone who actually tries to Letterman after claiming he was sue himself. That’s what happened harassing her by code on his TV recently in Lodi, California. Curtis show. Or the woman suing Seminole Gokey was driving a city dump County, Florida, after she tripped truck when he managed to back over a pine cone in a county parking the truck into a car—his own car. lot. Got any shame, people? Incredibly, Gokey filed a claim With greedy lawyers poised to against the city seeking $3,600 in take advantage of every goofy damages. His claim hilariously mishap, dreams of big bucks have stated that “my personal vehicle replaced common sense. To rein in was parked and backed into by a this lawsuit abuse, some members of city vehicle,” neatly skipping the Congress have proposed putting fact that he did the backing into. caps on lawyers’ fees and damage There is a small glimmer of hope: awards, and switching class-action Abusing the courts can backfire. suits from state to federal courts. One night in 2004, two Colorado But until that happens, my advice is teenage girls knocked on a neigh- that you retain a good lawyer—and bor’s door and dashed off, leaving try not to drive into any airplanes. behind a gift of cookies and a Want to help stop lawsuit lunacy? To friendly note. Sounds sweet, doesn’t find out how, go to rd.com/lawsuit. 35 WORD POWER ®

Revolution! It was 230 years ago that our Found- 12. annihilation n.— ing Fathers finished the Declaration of Independ- A: partnership. B: both- ence. So this month we used words from that ersome detail. C: deep historic document for our quiz. A lot has changed breath. D: destruction. since 1776, but many word meanings remain the 13. evince v.—A: to same. Light the fireworks. Answers on next page. persuade effectively. 1. refute v.—A: to start B: bring forth. C: back a fight. B: prove to be away. D: display clearly. false. C: plan an escape. 14. usurpation n.— D: join together. A: excess material. B: quick result. 2. tyrant n.— C: wrongful seizure. D: dis- A: angry speech. respect for authority. B: bushy beard. 15. abdicate v.—A: to C: unjust ruler. cast off. B: take by force. C: wait patiently. D: rebel leader. D: point out. 16. consanguinity n.— 3. barbarous adj.— 8. formidable adj.— A: logical conclusion. A: thorny. B: rugged. A: self-centered. B: well B: close connection. C: cruel. D: well cooked. planned out. C: powerful C: cheerful atmosphere. 4. sufferance n.— or impressive. D: overly D: self-confidence. A: unfair law. B: patient complicated. endurance. C: right to 9. impel v.—A: to stab Sign Here vote. D: objection. with a knife. B: keep John Hancock’s signature is probably the most famous on 5. candid adj.—A: open under control. C: make the Declaration of Independ- and sincere. B: holding safe. D: drive or urge forward. ence. Do you know the names high honor. C: showing of some other signers? optimism. D: hopeless. 10. prudence n.—qual- Answers on the next page. 6. plunder v.—A: to rob. ity of being A: modest. --m--l A--m- (Massachusetts) B: plot against. C: make B: indecisive. C: sad. B--j---n -r--k--- (Pennsylvania) noise. D: deceive. D: wise or cautious. S--u-- C--se (Maryland) 7. compliance n.—A: act 11. render v.—A: to E-w--- -ut-e-g- (South Carolina) of conforming. B: show impose a fine. B: make -h-m-- J---er--- (Virginia) of protest. C: efficiency. or provide. C: hold a J--n --th--sp--- (New Jersey) D: lack of concern. rally. D: cast a ballot. -og-- S---m-- (Connecticut)

ILLUSTRATED BY DAVID SHELDON 41 RD I JULY 2006 ANSWERS 1. refute—[B] To prove to 7. compliance—[A] An 12. annihilation—[D] be false or erroneous by act of conforming to a rule Destruction; nullification; argument or evidence. or demand. She submitted rout. The lopsided loss our The defense witness was paperwork in compliance basketball team suffered quick to refute the prose- with the bank’s lend- could fairly be called an cutor’s accusations. ing policy. annihilation. 13. evince—[D] To dis- play clearly; show. The 2. tyrant—[C] An un- writer never forgot the just ruler with loss of his twin, as evinced by the brother absolute portrayed in all his novels. power. The 14. usurpation—[C] Wrongful seizure, often of Colonists felt power, place or office. The that King George rebel army was charged with usurpation of III was a tyrant. the government. 15. abdicate— 3. barbarous—[C] Sav- 8. formidable—[C] Pow- [A] To cast off; discard. agely cruel; uncivilized. erful or impressive; caus- King Edward VIII chose The pirates were known ing fear or awe. Our sales to abdicate the throne so for their barbarous treat- reps dreaded weekly meet- he could marry Wallis ment of the sailors they ings with the formidable Simpson, an American kidnapped. district manager. divorcée. 4. sufferance—[B] Pa- 9. impel—[D] To drive or 16. consanguinity—[B] tient endurance; misery. urge forward, often by Close connection, often After years of sufferance, moral pressure. My elderly from the same blood or she’d finally had enough of aunt impelled me to move origin. The sisters treas- her husband’s abuse and into her home and take ured their consanguinity, filed for divorce. care of her. even though they all lived in different parts 5. candid—[A] Open and 10. prudence—[D] The of the world. sincere; unbiased. When I quality of being wise and asked for my mother’s cautious; good judgment. VOCABULARY RATINGS help, she offered me some We urged our teenage son 8-10 Good 11-13 Excellent candid advice. to exercise prudence be- 14-16 Exceptional

6. plunder—[A] To rob or hind the wheel. Sherman. Roger Jefferson; John Witherspoon; John Jefferson;

take, especially by force 11. render—[B] To make Thomas Rutledge; Edward

and during wartime. The or provide; deliver. After Chase; Samuel Franklin;

enemy forces destroyed hearing both sides of the Benjamin Adams; Samuel crops and plundered the argument, the judge ren- Answers: Here Sign villagers’ homes. dered a fair decision.

Are you known for your magnanimity? Go to wordpower.com and find out.

42 MY PLANET BY ANDY SIMMONS, GUEST COLUMNIST

Love Handles onesty is overrated. The other day I came home to find my wife, HJennifer, in tears. “What’s wrong?” I asked. “Quinn used the F word.” She was referring to our three- year-old. “You mean—” ber, I’ve known it longer than I’ve “Yes. She called me Fat!” Jennifer known you. What are you doing?” is not overweight, but like most The refrigerator door was open, women I know, she has an inflated and she was flinging pizzas, cold view of her body. She cautiously cuts and ice cream out the window. walked over to a full-length mirror “I’m going on a diet, and I’m drag- and sighed. “Great, the only part ging this family with me!” of me that’s trim is my breasts. Be “No, not the Chinese takeout!” honest ...” Uh-oh. “Am I fat?” Too late. “Not particularly.” I tried to catch The next morning, we waddled the words as they left my mouth, but off to the bookstore, where the they were quick, juking and jiving sheer volume of diet books de- from my grasp until they landed manded that we split up. I took with a thud in her ears. the books between 41° longitude, “Listen, Slim, you could stand to 55° latitude and 43° longitude, 57° lose a few tons yourself!” she said as latitude. Jennifer covered the rest. she stomped off toward the kitchen. There were low-fat diets, high- “I like my fat!” I said. “And remem- protein diets, low-calorie diets, high-fiber diets, water diets, vegan Andy Simmons is guest columnist this month while Mary Roach is on sabbatical diets, fish diets, fruit-juice diets. writing her third book. There were books on portion con-

ILLUSTRATED BY BONNIE TIMMONS 45 RD I JULY 2006 trol, and books that screamed EAT size goblet she had chosen. LIKE A PIG! Overwhelmed, we set- “Dieting is stressful,” she said. tled for just one shelf’s worth. We’d “Well, in that case, I’m having a try a different diet every day for a piece of bread.” month until one worked. We dubbed Whoosh! Out the window went it the Diet-a-Day Diet. the high-protein diet book. By week’s First up was the Color Diet. You end, the only thing growing in our can eat all the food you want, as garden was the pile of diet books. long as it’s one hue. The first one to fold was Quinn. She might be only three, Whoosh! We stood but it doesn’t take a four-year-old to know there pitching one diet dieting cuts into one’s ice cream allotment. book after another After putting her to bed out the window. with promises of chocolate bars and more cheese than “Let’s try brown,” I said. “We can a mouse would want in a lifetime, have steak, fried mozzarella sticks, I came back into the living room. stout ale, hash browns and choco- There, in front of the TV, I found late cake. As long as we don’t eat a Jennifer, miserable, watching the salad, we’re fine.” movie The Mummy. Jennifer thought choosing brown “She’s so beautiful and so thin,” smacked of cheating. She countered she said of the star, Rachel Weisz. with red. I said that red meant beets, “You look like her,” I said. and beets were good for one thing: “Put your glasses on, Simmons.” throwing out. Since we couldn’t It was the first time she’d laughed agree, we left it to chance. I grabbed in a week. Quinn’s box of 64 Crayola crayons, “I’m serious.” I was, too, and it closed my eyes and picked. wasn’t just the starvation talking. “What color did you get?” “I’ve got the diet for us.” “Gray.” We dined on skim milk. She groaned. “It’s called the The color diet book joined the Denial Diet,” I said. “We pretend Kung Pao chicken in the backyard we’re perfect physical specimens and was replaced by a high-protein and go on with our lives. You enjoy diet. Jennifer’s not much of a meat your wine, and I’ll consume all the eater, so I was surprised. brown foods I want.” “You’re allowed one glass of wine Jennifer liked my idea so much a day,” she explained. that we celebrated by eating all of “One glass or one vase per day?” Quinn’s chocolates. That’ll teach I asked, noting the King Henry VIII- her to call us fat. ■ 46 Health GET SMART ABOUT YOUR BODY WITH DR. ROIZEN & DR. OZIQ THE BUZZ Crazy for Coffee I drink up to four six-ounce cups of coffee most When it comes to days. How unhealthy is this? 1heart attack risk, having lots of good Unless drinking that much gives you (HDL) cholesterol may more jitters than an opening-night perfor- be better than low mance, you’re in luck. Studies consistently levels of bad (LDL). show that coffee and caffeine reduce the risk of Parkinson’s, and may even protect against The number of Alzheimer’s disease and cancer. Drinking 24 2people who had cosmetic surgery ounces of coffee a day can be good for you. jumped by 38% from Why? It could be the flavonoids or 2000 to 2005. the antioxidants. (Coffee is Amer- ica’s biggest source of antioxidants. Patients who We get six times more from joe 3 listen to music than from bananas, the largest after surgery Q food source.) That said, stop need fewer the java if you notice mi- painkillers graines, abnormal heart- &A beats or stomach upset. than those Our quick coffee tips: At home, use a paper who don’t filter (the paper binds to a chemical that in- tune in. creases bad LDL cholesterol levels). If you lighten it, use skim milk (not cream) and In 2002 and 2003, skip the sugar. And you may want to add more 4an estimated 27,000 people visited calcium to your diet or consider a supplement, the ER for injuries since caffeine pulls this related to eyeglasses. must-have mineral Just six weeks of from the 5yoga can boost lung bones. function and breathing.

Got a question for the doctors? E-mail them at

SOURCE: AMERICAN HEART JOURNAL; AMERICAN SOCIETY OF JOURNAL; AMERICAN HEART AMERICAN SOURCE: THE SURGEONS; PLASTIC OPHTHALMIC LIBRARY; COCHRANE SOCIETY PHYSIOLOGICAL AMERICAN EPIDEMIOLOGY; [email protected] 51 HOW TO HEAL SUNBURN ONE COMMON PROBLEM FOUR EXPERT SOLUTIONS

THE DERMATOLOGIST THE PLASTIC SURGEON ake an anti-inflammatory in reat symptoms with cold the first 12 hours to reduce the compresses and a moisturizer. Tultimate damage and ease pain. TAvoid the sun, or cover your See a doctor if you’ve got swelling or burn when you do go out. If skin blisters, or if you feel sick. He may starts peeling, leave it alone, since give you antibiotics to ward off in- picking it off can lead to bleeding fection. If not, stick to the pain pills, and scars. If you notice either, wait moisturize your skin and try sooth- 6 to 12 months to let the skin heal. ing cold compresses. One bad Then a doctor may treat it with burn boosts the risk of skin a chemical peel. cancer, so see a dermatol- In 2005, ROD ROHRICH, MD, Chairman of Plastic Surgery, University of ogist for skin checks. 31% of Texas Southwestern Medical Center, DAVID E. BANK, MD, Dallas, Texas Director, Center for Dermatology, Americans Cosmetic and Laser Surgery, Mount Kisco, New York admitted to THE BEAUTY PRO getting a recent rink lots of water; THE NUTRITIONIST sunburn. avoid hot showers o help prevent burns, Dor baths (heat dries take beta carotene and vita- out skin). Take a lukewarm bath Tmin E supplements before you with colloidal oatmeal, chamomile go out in the sun. If you’re already tea bags and a few tablespoons of feeling the pain of a burn, moisturize baking soda to relieve pain. Moistur- your skin using creams with vitamin ize with alcohol- and perfume-free E or flaxseed, chamomile, lavender lotion. If you see freckling or skin or almond oils. All may help speed problems after you heal, an aestheti- healing, prevent scarring and reduce cian can exfoliate and heal the skin irritation and inflammation. with microdermabrasion. JOHN FOREYT, PHD, Director, Nutrition Research KELLY CHARRON, Director, Spa Education & Clinic, Baylor College of Medicine, Houston, Texas Development, Klinger Advanced Aesthetics

BOTTOM LINE If sunscreen runs into your eyes when you swim or sweat, it’s not really protecting you. Use a water-resistant product like Coppertone Sport, or Cosmedicine Global Health Face or Body, and reapply often. Once burned, take 325-650 mg of aspirin for a day or two, drop a few Alka-Seltzer tablets into a bath, or add two crushed aspirin to two tea- spoons of lotion to ease inflammation. DR. ROIZEN & DR. OZ 52 MONEY MAKERS MARIA BARTIROMO

Open to Adventure One passion led to another. Soon he was in uncharted waters, having fun and making juice.

ometimes it’s best to follow Massachusetts. At 19, he spent his your heart and do what you days working on his boat, so when love. For Tom Scott, co- someone suggested he make muffins Sfounder of Nantucket Nec- to sell to people docked in the har- tars, “a love of boats turned into a bor, Scott figured, Why not? love of juices.” As he and a college friend, Tom

NBC UNIVERSAL TELEVISION UNIVERSAL NBC A Brown University student, Scott First, made their muffin rounds, vacationed on Nantucket Island, a yachties would ask if they had news- resort community off the coast of papers or cigarettes for sale. “We’d say, ‘Sure, up at the dock.’ Then we’d hurry back, buy ten papers and sell the extras to our other customers.” Soon they had a thriving business. With the slogan “Ain’t nothing those boys won’t do,” Tom and Tom could be seen running around the harbor doing everything from selling ice to shampooing dogs. The summer of 1988 was a hot one. Tom First came back from vaca- tion in Spain praising a particularly COURTESY PLUM TV PLUM COURTESY thirst-quenching peach juice con- coction. He tried to replicate it

Maria Bartiromo is host and managing editor of the syndicated program The Wall Street Journal Report, as well as host of Tom Scott CNBC’s Closing Bell. 57 RD I JULY 2006 and, as Scott says, “Bang! It was that “A lot of that stuff is more intu- quick.” Nantucket Nectars was born. itive than people realize,” Scott says The market opportunity for a of their offbeat marketing efforts. healthy, tasty drink was wide open. Although he and First were her- Bottled water hadn’t yet become alded as mavericks, he admits, “For popular. Most juices, Scott recalls, us, it was so much trial and error. “were horrible, full of additives.” You bounce off this wall and then Scott says he never thought about off that wall, and meanwhile you try to stay on your feet.” Scott’s dog was part Their balancing act worked. Nantucket Nectars Lab,part spaniel, grew to national promi- nence, landing on Inc. maga- part shortstop. And zine’s list of fastest-growing U.S. companies for three part of the company lure. years running. They were in going into business. He and First 49 states and some 15 countries. Still, both failed an accounting course Scott felt he couldn’t be complacent. at Brown. It wasn’t until Scott took “There was never a moment when a community college class that he we said, ‘Wow, we are making it.’ began to understand the concept of I lived in my car for a long time. profit margins. Mostly, he says, “we Plenty of nights I cried because I learned on the job.” thought we’d go out of business. But They focused obsessively on qual- when you have this dream and you ity and getting the product they love what you do, you do it.” wanted. When they started bottling After a dozen or so years, though, their juices, the bottle cap company the sense of adventure, of always made caps only in white or silver for learning, faded. Growing the com- other clients. “We wanted a purple pany from $100 million to $500 mil- cap. They said, ‘We are not putting lion would demand different skills purple paint in the machine.’ We and tasks than creating it from said, ‘We’ll clean the machine.’ ” scratch. “The business was no longer The purple caps became a hall- about marketing a product the way mark of Nantucket Nectars. So did no one else had before. It was about the messages printed on the under- distribution and shelf space.” side of each cap—fun trivia about Instead of waking up each day Nantucket or inside information to the excitement and challenge about company employees or the of something new, Scott realized, fact that Scott’s ball-retrieving dog “I wasn’t having as much fun.” Becky was “part Lab, part springer They sold the company to Cad- spaniel, and part shortstop.” bury Schweppes in 2002. “It was a 58 MONEY MAKERS challenging time,” Scott recalls. “I didn’t know what to do with the rest of my life.” After a lot of soul- searching, he concluded, “The only way I can be happy again is to do something I love.” He was approached by Nantucket Television, a tiny local cable station that was always on the verge of bankruptcy. Scott had even bailed them out. This time, he had a new answer: “How about if I buy you guys out, and I’ll run the station?” Four years later, Nantucket Tele- vision has morphed into Plum TV, a station serving local news with a global twist to markets in Nan- tucket, Martha’s Vineyard, Vail, Aspen and the Hamptons. “My hope is that one day Plum TV can be very smart, very fair, interesting TV.” For now, though, Scott’s loving his job again. And that’s enough to make every day an adventure.

Got a money question? Write to Maria Bartiromo at [email protected]. AND FYI … • Martha Stewart turned her pas- sion into a billion-dollar empire. She shares her secrets in her book The Martha Rules: 10 Essentials for Achieving Success as You Start, Grow, or Manage a Business. • Dr. Alan R. Zimmerman, author of Pivot, says just one turn in attitude can lead to success. • Looking for a meaningful, happy life? Try What Do I Do Now? A Handbook for Life by Mark E. Klein.

59 Page 28 :::www.up2u.in::: ® HUMOR IN UNIFORM

s he reviewed pilot crash reports, my Air While visiting a AForce military science professor stumbled VA hospital with my upon this understated entry: “After catastrophic son, I overheard a engine failure, I landed long. As I had no power, retired Army sergeant the landing gear failed to deploy and no braking asking people which was available. I bounced over the stone wall at the branch of the military end of the runway, struck the trailer of a truck while they’d served in. Some crossing the perimeter road, crashed through the said Army, a few Navy, guardrail, grazed a large pine tree, ran over a tractor others Air Force. parked in the adjacent field, and hit another tree. “What were you in?” she asked a man who’d Then I lost control.” JOHN D. MILLARD just entered the room. Confused, he mum- o bolster security at times of the day, result- T bled, “The bathroom.” our Army post in Ger- ing in terrible traffic. SUSAN LOPSHIRE many, we initiated Ran- One senior officer came dom Access Control up with a solution: “We Measures at our gates. need more predictability ith several This meant stopping and in our randomness.” Wyears of Army checking cars at various JEFFREY CHURCH National Guard duty under his belt, my roommate applied for officer training. But his lifelong dreams were dashed after he failed the eye exam. “That’s too bad,” I sympathized. “Does that mean you now have to quit the Guard entirely?” “No, I get to keep my old job,” he said. “Driving trucks.” DIANE HASTINGS

You could earn up to $300 for your own funny story. Go to rd.com/joke or see “And these are for keeping up appearances.” page 12 for details.

60 ILLUSTRATED BY IAN BAKER ALL IN A DAY’S WORK ®

woman walked Ainto our copy shop to pick up a large order. While there, she asked me to make a copy of her driver’s license, birth certificate and passport. When I gave her the total price, she asked if she could pay with a personal check. “Sure,” I said automati- cally. “I just need to see some ID.” JEREMY DOLPH

Spanish never came easily to my sister. Still, she did her best to com- municate with the Span- ish-speaking staff at the restaurant she managed. But when she made mis- It was the bottom of the ninth and takes—and she made a the bassists were loaded. lot—she’d apologize by saying, “Me estúpido.” “Does anyone in this “And why is that?” Finally, a staffer took room need to be dis- “My wife is about to pity on her. “Susanna, missed from jury duty?” conceive.” you’re not estúpido,” she my father, a judge, asked Slightly taken aback, said, bucking up my a roomful of prospective Dad responded, “I be- sister’s ego. “You are a jurors. lieve, sir, you mean woman,” she continued. A nervous young man ‘deliver.’ But either way, “So you are estúpida.” stood up. “I’d like to be I agree. You should be MARY BETH YODER dismissed,” he said. there.” BETH DUNCAN

On his way home from work recently, my husband came upon a “Road Closed” sign. Undeterred, he maneuvered his truck around it and continued on. But he didn’t get very far. The pavement ended, giving way to another, larger sign: “What Part of ‘Road Closed’ Didn’t You Understand?” TERI KERSCHEN

ILLUSTRATED BY DAN REYNOLDS 63 RD I JULY 2006

A nurse friend of mine took a 104-year-old When the driver patient for a walk in the hospital corridor. When in front of my police she got him back to his room and sat him down, cruiser began weaving he took a deep breath and announced, in and out of his lane, I quickly hit the sirens “That was great! I don’t and pulled him over. MARY CIPOLLONE As I approached his feel a day over 100!” window, I was hit with the stench of alcohol. he guest speaker the difference between “Sir,” I said, “can Tat our training someone who is delu- you tell me when you sessions for correctional sional and someone who started drinking and officers was a leading is schizophrenic? how much you’ve psychologist. We appre- “Delusional people had?” ciated the fact that he build castles in the air,” “Well, Officer, I can’t was able to answer in he explained. “Schizo- tell you how much I’ve plain English a question phrenics move in and had,” he slurred. “But many of us had: What is live there.” REBECCA LEWIS I started drinking in 1967.” ROBERT W. MILLER My colleagues and i recently received this e-mail from the facilities department: “Due to n the midst of a construction, your office may be either cooler Icreative writing or warmer than usual on Tuesday. assignment we were Dress accordingly.” DEBRA DONATH doing in class, I asked my first-grade students to come up with a good While leading a My father, a name for the main tour of kindergarten gravedigger, was character. students through our told to prepare for a “Chicago,” called out hospital, I overheard a funeral. But on the day of the service, it one student. conversation between was discovered that “Actually, I was look- one little girl and an he had dug up the ing for more of a Chris- x-ray technician. wrong plot. Luckily for tian name,” I said. “Have you ever bro- him, the deceased’s “St. Louis!” he yelled ken a bone?” he asked. daughter was very back. BRITE TEMPLETON “Yes,” the girl replied. understanding. “Did it hurt?” “Poor Dad,” she You could earn “No.” lamented. “He always up to $300 “Really? Which bone complained he could for your own funny story. did you break?” never find a parking Go to rd.com/joke or see “My sister’s arm.” space.” EMILY WILLMOT page 12 for details. A.L. GRABER 64 ASK LASKAS YOU’VE GOT QUESTIONS, SHE’S GOT ANSWERS

At social gatherings, my husband never introduces me to the person Q he’s talking to. I stand around like a statue, and he ignores me. I’ve complained about this many times, and he says I’m just being sensitive. I say it’s rude. He says it’s impolite to interrupt the person talking to him. What do you say? SILENTLY BURNING

Dear Burning, Dear Real, A It’s rude, and he’s being a dope. A Hard to believe that in this day But don’t hold your breath waiting and age Gorgeous is still getting a for him to see the light—and don’t free ride, isn’t it? Welcome to life, stand there like a stone. Stick your unfair as ever. You have a legitimate hand out and introduce yourself. gripe, so go ahead and complain Move along to other circles, and to your boss. Ask that your duties be make new acquaintances. If your put in writing. Do your job and do it husband wanders over after his gab well, but don’t expect the culture to session, stop everything and intro- magically change. If you can’t stand duce him. Lead by example! to work in an environment where a premium is on looks, find another I work in an office where the place to work—but not Hollywood. Q partners hire pretty girls who simply don’t have the skills. The My sister-in-law and her hus- rest of us get their stuff tossed at us Q band borrowed several thou- to complete. One Monday a partner sand dollars from us for a car and yelled at me because my cubicle was a new apartment. They promised stacked with unfinished work. Right. to pay us back after they got settled. Because I spent Friday doing an ur- They’ve been settled now three gent job Gorgeous had no idea how years and have moved into a house. to handle. Under the circumstances, Every time my husband confronts what can I do? A REAL WORKER his sister, she starts crying and Jeanne Marie Laskas is the author of screaming, and he backs off. What Growing Girls (Bantam). recourse do I have? TAKEN

PHOTO-ILLUSTRATION BY JOHN CORBITT; PHOTO: KAREN MEYERS 67 RD I JULY 2006

Dear Taken, A If your husband can’t talk with his sister, maybe he should put the facts down in a letter. Or you could meet with her husband and clear the air. Remind him of your agreement, and suggest a repayment schedule. If this doesn’t work, it may be time to write off the debt as tuition in the school of hard knocks—and leave lending to the banks.

My daughter has had this friend Q since kindergarten. We’ve met the father once, but have only talked on the phone with the mother. The friend keeps inviting my daughter for sleepovers, but I’m uneasy. We barely know these people and have no idea what their values are. How do I tactfully explain we need to know them better before sending my daughter to their home? CAUTIOUS

Dear Cautious, A This isn’t about tact. It’s about good parenting. Tell these folks ex- actly how you feel. If they resist the idea of getting to know you better before you entrust your child to them, well, perhaps your fears were justified. If they agree, and after you’ve met them, volunteer to hold the first round of sleepovers. Then, only when you’re ready, let your daughter go.

My boyfriend and I argue over Q the phrase “Till death do us part.” He believes it’s absolute. I believe people change and there are 68 ASK LASKAS situations when a marriage must end. When I won’t agree with him, he begins to doubt me. This has opened a fissure between us. How can we bridge the gap? LADY CREVASSE

Dear Crevasse, A I’m with him. I believe if you go into marriage thinking that it should last only as long as it lasts, you’re setting yourself up for failure. I feel commitment to a relationship is an absolute. But I’m not marrying him, you are. If you two see this contract in fundamentally different ways, do not walk down the aisle until you reach agreement. This issue is too big to ignore. Question of the Month My wife’s son, 35, was fired Q from his last job and moved in with us. He’s drawing unemploy- ment and isn’t looking for work. His daily routine: get up, watch TV, eat and chain-smoke. I’ve told him about places that are hiring, but he doesn’t go. What’s wrong? STUMPED

Dear Stumped, A What you and your wife are doing is called “enabling.” At 35, he should survive a little tough love. Tell Sonny he has six weeks to get on his feet; then give him the boot.

QUESTIONS ABOUT PARENTS, PARTNERS OR OFFICE POLITICS? E-mail Jeanne Marie Laskas at [email protected]. Sending gives us permission to edit and publish.

69 “QUOTABLE QUOTES ® America is not Never be the perfect, but it’s first to arrive at a party or the much better last to go home, than anywhere and never, else in the world. ever be both. DAVID BROWN

ILLUSTRATED BY KIRSTEN ULVE KIRSTEN BY ILLUSTRATED CATHERINE ZETA-JONES in In Style in Esquire

Winning depends on where you put I think the most un-American thing your priorities. It’s usually best to you can say is “You can’t say that.” put them over the fence. JASON GIAMBI GARRISON KEILLOR I’ve never found an interesting per-

son with a foul mouth. MARILYN VOS SAVANT in Parade

My father gave me the best advice The man who complains about the ‘of my life. He said, “Whatever way the ball bounces is likely the you do, don’t wake up at 65 years one who dropped it. old and think about what you KENT HILL quoting Lou Holtz’ should have done with your life.” GEORGE CLOONEY Life’s like a novel with the end WHOSAIDIT? ripped out. I spent 30 years RASCAL FLATTS in “Stand” (Lyric Street Records) sleep-deprived and I know it’s summer if I hear the tinkle of bells on an ice cream truck. I got used to it. Mentally my feet start running and a) Jimmy Carter I’m hollering, “Mama, I need a b) Bill Clinton nickel!” LINDA ELLERBEE c) George W. Bush in Take Big Bites (Putnam) FOR ANSWER, SEE BELOW We pay $100 for the wit and wisdom of

$ famous contemporary people. See page 12. b) Bill Clinton Bill b) 75

Keeping America Safe The Next Disaster ARE WE READY? A special report on 10 high-risk cities BY ALICE LIPOWICZ

After the attacks on September 11 storms, to another terrorist attack. and the hurricanes that slammed the But are we really prepared to pro- Gulf Coast last year, you’d expect our tect people, as well as their homes and major cities to be ready with disaster businesses? Every major urban area plans that will save lives and property. has received federal funding, much of There’s no doubt we’ll be hit again— it from the Department of Homeland maybe even harder—because the list Security (DHS), in order to make their of possible calamities is long: from a cities more secure. But there are no bird flu pandemic to a massive Cali- set criteria for measuring prepared-

(CLOCKWISE FROM TOP LEFT) JASON HAWKES/CORBIS; BILL ROSS/CORBIS; CRAIG AURNESS/CORBIS; CORBIS AURNESS/CORBIS; CRAIG BILL ROSS/CORBIS; HAWKES/CORBIS; LEFT) JASON TOP FROM (CLOCKWISE fornia earthquake, to more monster ness (the feds are working on that),

77 RD I JULY 2006 and the quality of disaster plans varies Are there federal search-and-rescue widely throughout the country. teams based within 50 miles? So Reader’s Digest decided to do an Large cities often have specialized independent assessment of 10 high- teams to deal with such things as high- risk urban areas, focusing on key se- rise-building rescues or hazardous curity indicators. We analyzed public chemical spills. But these squads are data, consulted with federal and local sometimes small, ill-equipped, or run emergency workers, and contacted on a shoestring. This is not true of the mayors’ offices to gauge the readi- federal urban search-and-rescue task ness of these cities to meet both nat- forces that the DHS supports across ural and man-made disasters. For each the country. Each task force is made of 11 separate measures, a city of 62 members and 4 canines, got a if it met the cri- as well as a “comprehen- teria; a if it ex- sive cache” of equip- ceeded them; or a if Suppose in ment. DHS task forces it was only partway the midst of a are not automati- there. If it failed to cally assigned; a city meet the criteria at flu pandemic, needs to apply and all, the city got a . present its case. We gave point your city ran (Extra credit was values to each of low on critical given to cities with these marks, then medicines. two or more task converted the totals forces within 50 miles.) into a final grade for each city. (For further details Has the city or state earned about the grading system, see the “green status” from the Centers box on page 81.) for Disease Control and Prevention? Our criteria fell under three main Suppose that in the midst of a flu categories: pandemic or bio terror attack, your city ran low on critical medicines. Emergency Readiness The CDC stands ready to help by dis- Are there at least 1,000 first re- tributing drugs and medical equip- sponders (such as police, fire and ment from its Strategic National EMTs) per 100,000 residents? Stockpile. But the agency wants to They’re our first line of protection know that a city or state is able to in almost any disaster situation—pro- quickly mobilize hundreds of health fessionals who are trained to handle workers and volunteers trained to everything from rescuing victims handle the logistics, and has space set to providing first aid, to enforcing aside for storage and refrigeration. quarantines, to directing traffic for You’re best off if your city has earned evacuations. the CDC’s “green status”—even if the 78 ARE WE READY?

First responders must get to a disaster scene quickly and be able to communicate with other emergency workers, while hospitals cope with a surge of patients.

state itself has not—because it means Some cities, such as Boston and local health teams can handle the sup- Washington, post the preferred street plies on their own. (Extra credit was routes. Others, like Las Vegas, won’t given to every city that has met the disclose details due to security fears, criteria for green status.) but their websites may provide ways to quickly get evacuation details when Does the city website explain clearly you need them (such as numbers to what to do in case of evacuation? call or alert services you can sign up Who can forget the images of for). Among the more important stranded New Orleans residents, or things to address are people without the 5-mph crawl out of Houston? It vehicles of their own (a huge failing turned out that New Orleans’s evac- in New Orleans) and instructions for uation plans were both inadequate pet owners. and poorly communicated. One way cities can avoid a similar nightmare Does the website include details for is to put clear and easy-to-find evac- residents with special needs?

(LEFT TO RIGHT) CORBIS; ROB HOWARD/CORBIS; CORBIS HOWARD/CORBIS; ROB RIGHT) CORBIS; (LEFT TO uation information on their websites. In July 1995, a vicious heat wave 79 RD I JULY 2006 killed nearly 500 people in Chicago, Has the city adopted E911? a disproportionate number of them Many cities have upgraded their 911 older residents who lived alone. In any call centers in recent years, but crisis, the elderly and disabled can be they’re even better prepared if they’ve uniquely vulnerable. That’s why cities incorporated “E911” (or “enhanced such as Houston are creating registries 911”). This technology enables emer- of residents who would need special gency operators to identify the pre- help. Such lists would indicate, for cise location of cell-phone callers instance, that a certain person in a through GPS systems. If you wind up certain apartment building is wheel- stranded in floodwaters, E911 could chair-bound. Other cities are instruct- save your life. ing people with disabilities to call 911 for assistance— Does the city provide though this relies on On 9/11, 24-hour emergency phone systems that alerts? could be overloaded firefighters What if an evac- or go dead. If a city’s died because uation order goes disaster planning out, but it’s 3 a.m. shows no aware- they couldn’t and you’re sound ness of special- asleep? Not a prob- needs people, it isn’t pick up lem if your city has complete. radio a way of alerting you warnings. at any time of day. Crisis Some rely on street sirens to do the trick. Oth- Communications ers have used their websites to in- Can first responders—police, fire vite residents to sign up for e-mail and medical—talk to one another? notifications or automated phone calls On September 11, firefighters died in an emergency. (Extra credit was inside the World Trade Center be- given to cities for adopting the latest cause they could not make contact e-mail and phone technologies.) with police helicopters trying to radio warnings. Incompatible communica- Medical Response tions is a country-wide problem, and Are there at least 500 hospital beds converting or replacing decades-old for every 100,000 residents? radio systems can be a long, expen- Getting to victims quickly is a crit- sive process. Cities have gotten a big ical first step. But you better have a boost if they’ve taken part in Rapid- place to take them for treatment. A Com, a DHS program providing tech- reasonable standard, according to pre- nical assistance and training that paredness experts, is 500 hospital beds speeds up the transition. for every 100,000 people—a ratio that 80 ARE WE READY? would likely mean a city could find tained federal assistance in developing enough spare beds in an emergency. plans, and has received critical training Of course, beds alone won’t help a and equipment. massive number of burn victims or people suffering from chemical expo- Are labs nearby that specialize in sure unless the hospital is prepared biological and chemical threats? to treat them. But all the cities in our The CDC is on the cutting edge with survey have specialty units in their its Laboratory Response Network— hospitals that can handle such cases. integrated labs nationwide that have the equipment and expertise to Are local teams trained to respond quickly identify pathogens and toxic quickly and work together? chemicals. An LRN lab in Florida was If an urban area was targeted by the first to detect anthrax in terrorist weapons of mass destruction, city mailings in 2001. health officials couldn’t just wait for Laboratories can be members only federal help to arrive. First responders if they have highly trained staff and and hospitals would need to react right exceptional facilities, as well as a track away. They could also need medical record of testing accuracy. A hand- volunteers—say, to help vaccinate peo- ful of LRN labs qualify as “Level 1,” ple or distribute medicines and sup- meaning they can test for chemical plies. How to ensure that all these poisons such as mustard and nerve professionals and volunteers work to- agents. (Extra credit was given to gether as seamlessly as possible? If a cities that have two or more LRN labs city is part of DHS’s Metropolitan within 50 miles.) Medical Response System, it has ob- Additional reporting by JOHN MITCHELL

Making the Grade

These symbols appear in the chart on the next two pages, and indicate whether—and how fully— Does Not Meet Standard the cities met all our criteria. Top to bottom (starting with the black dash), they go from no headway in adopting measures, worth 0 points, Partly Meets Standard all the way to extra steps taken, which earned 3 points. We added up all the points earned by a city, then used a formula to convert this total Meets Standard into a final score on a scale of 0% to 100%.

Are you ready? Visit rd.com/prepared to find Exceeds Standard out what you need in an emergency.

81 Emergency Readiness Has at least Has at least 1,000 first one search- Meets CDC Website Website has City responders and-rescue guidelines includes information per task force to distribute clear for people 100,000 within 50 National evacuation with special residents miles Stockpile information needs

Miami

New York

Washington, D.C.

Boston

Chicago

Houston

Los Angeles

Philadelphia

Las Vegas

Detroit Crisis Communications Medical Response Score Local teams Has labs Has at least are trained nearby spe- First Has Offers 500 hospi- to respond cializing in responders successfully 24-hour tal beds per quickly biological can talk to deployed emergency 100,000 and work and chemi- one another E911 alerts residents together cal threats

81%

81

81

77

69

65

62

58

42

27 ‘They Said I Couldn’t’ Six stories of people who wouldn’t give up

BY GARY SLEDGE REPORTING BY LISA MILLER FIELDS

Too Short, girl is no Dolly Parton. Nevertheless, all of Self-confidence Can’t Sing this summer she’s been is the best The adolescent girl from Tennessee acting, dancing and makeup money is standing on the stage of a drama singing—giving it her can buy, Reese summer camp in upstate New York. best. Witherspoon It’s a beautiful day. But Despite three years discovered. the girl doesn’t feel beau- of lessons, at the end tiful. She’s not the leggy, of camp her coaches tell her to forget glamorous Hollywood about singing. They suggest she type. In fact, she de- think about another scribes herself as dorky. career. If Reese did Since she was six have talent, it was years old, Reese With- hiding under her erspoon has wanted skinny, mousy frame to be a country singer. and her Coke-bottle And Dolly Parton is glasses. her idol. But this flat- Still, she takes chested wisp of a their words to 84 (LEFT) ©20TH CENTURY FOX/COURTESY EVERETT COLLECTION; JAMES WHITE/CORBIS OUTLINE RD I JULY 2006 heart. After all, why shouldn’t she believe the professionals? You have only But back at home in an outside shot for success at Nashville, her mother, a pe- best, a teacher diatric nurse—a funny, happy, told Adam upbeat person—wouldn’t let Zimmerman. He her mope. Her father, a phy- took that shot. sician, encouraged her to achieve in school. So she worked hard at everything and was accepted at Stanford University. And at age 19, she got a part in a low-budget movie called Freeway. That led to a substantial role in the movie Pleasantville. But her big break came with Legally Blonde. Well, she decided, if you can’t sing and you aren’t glamorous, “play to your strengths. If you’re going to make it in this business, it’s not going to be on sexy—that’s not who you are. Bet- ter focus on what you’re good at. Cel- ebrate yourself.” Last March, Reese Witherspoon And then came the offer that took walked up on another stage, the Kodak her back to her Nashville roots—play- Theatre in Hollywood, and accepted ing the wife of tormented country star the Oscar as Best Actress for her Johnny Cash. A singing role. heartbreaking, heartwarming sing- All of a sudden the old fears were ing role as June Carter Cash in Walk back. She was so nervous on the set, the Line. a reporter wrote, she “kept a sick bucket” nearby and admitted she Dumb Kids UNIVERSITY RICK HAYE/MARSHALL “would go backstage after a singing scene and shake.” But she didn’t give Can’t Jump up on the movie or herself. “Too dumb. You’ll never graduate The humor and drive she learned from high school,” his elementary at home overcame the self-doubt school teacher told seven-year-old learned on that summer stage. She Adam Zimmerman. Sure enough, he spent six months taking singing “failed” and was held back a grade. lessons again. She learned to play the Being left behind by friends made Autoharp. And the hard work built up him feel like “trash.” But his teacher’s her confidence. cutting comment changed his life. It 86 “THEY SAID I COULDN’T”

transformed a kid with dyslexia into a school. And he practiced and prac- person driven to succeed. ticed. The following year he made the “Just because one person says team as a walk-on player. something, don’t take their word,” his This May, the dumb kid who was mother told him. “Go out and prove too short graduated with a degree in them wrong. It’s not about the disabil- sports management and marketing. ity; it’s what you do about it.” When he thinks back to that grade Zimmerman did graduate from high school teacher, he says, “I thank her school, and at 5'7" he excelled in two for saying that. It’s unbelievable how sports he was considered too small a person’s words can stick in the back for: basketball and volleyball. He was of your mind and push you to be more MVP and All Conference in both. than what they say you can be.” That still wasn’t enough to earn him a big-time college scholarship. So he “There’s Gotta Be went to a Division II school and worked on his game. And though a a Better Way” coach told him he’d never be a Divi- Joy Mangano was 33 and divorced, sion I basketball player, in his sopho- had three kids under age 7, and was more year he transferred barely keeping up payments to Marshall University in Joy Mangano on her small two-bedroom

HSN West Virginia, a Division I made it big home by working extra week- with simple end hours as a waitress. solutions to “There were times when I everyday would lie in bed and think, problems. I don’t know how I’m going to pay that bill,” Mangano says. But she had a knack for seeing the obvious. She knew firsthand how hard it was to mop the floor. “I was tired of bending down, putting my hands in dirty water, wringing out a mop,” Man- gano says. “So, I said, ‘There’s gotta be a better way.’ ” How about a “self-wringing” mop? She designed a distinctive tool you could twist in two directions at once, and still keep your hands clean and dry. She set out to sell it, first a few at flea markets. Then Mangano met with the media. But would couch potatoes buy a mop? 87 RD I JULY 2006

The experts on shopping TV were less into the hospital for an operation that than certain. They gave it a try, and it implanted electrodes in his brain to failed. Mangano was sure it would sell control the shaking. But during the if they’d let her do the on-camera operation, he had a stroke. He was par- demonstration. “Brave little me. I said, alyzed. The cop, the tough guy, the ‘Get me on that stage, and I will sell man who loved golf, “could think, but this mop because it’s a great item.’ ” couldn’t move.” So QVC took a chance on her. “I got Transferred to a rehab hospital, onstage and the phones went crazy. Kraus wanted the therapists to give it We sold every mop in minutes.” to him straight. “You may never walk Today she’s president of Ingenious again,” they told him. “Maybe you Designs, a multimillion-dollar com- won’t even be able to talk.” pany, and one of the stars of HSN, the Once home, he found he couldn’t Home Shopping Network. Talking lift a fork or take a drink by himself. about her household inventions is “as Physical therapy was so painful and natural for me as it is for a parent to slow. What did he have to live for? talk about their child,” Mangano says. So now Kraus held the gun against Today one of her favorite products his head. Feeling the cold metal on his

is Huggable Hangers. The thin, space- skin, he began to consider not his pain, BEE MARK CROSSE/FRESNO saving implements are the most suc- cessful gadget ever sold on HSN, with 100 million hanging out there in clos- ets across the country. Of course, you couldn’t possibly sell hangers on TV. If You’re Not Dead, You Can Get Better Randy Kraus was paralyzed. His left side was useless. But his right hand was good enough to lift the barrel of a .38 to his temple. Once, he’d been a police officer in Fresno, California, and owned a private-eye agency. Once, Randy Kraus he’d been strong and able. discovered that Now, he felt he was nothing. all journeys His trouble started with start with one Parkinson’s disease, but it step, even if it’s didn’t end there. In July 2002, a small one. the 60-year-old Kraus went 88 She could have played it safe in England, but Jane Goodall but the pain he would cause his wife, Garud kept saying went off to daughters and grandchildren. He he could do more. the wild. didn’t pull the trigger. Now, Kraus can And his exercise physiologist, An- brush his teeth and shave himself, get drew Garud, didn’t pull any punches around the house with a walker. Little with him. You are where you are, he triumphs only the paralyzed can fully told him. The pace would be slow; the understand. pain would be real. “But as long as you

JENS SCHLUETER/AFP/GETTY IMAGES JENS SCHLUETER/AFP/GETTY are alive, you have the ability to get Forget It—Do better.” After three months of working with Something Practical Garud, Kraus wanted to see if he could The 16-year-old schoolgirl dreamed stand. of a profession studying wildlife in He could. Then he took three steps, Africa, but the school’s career coun- sat down and cried like a baby. selor was “horrified” at this imprac- One step, as they say, led to another. tical idea. She thought taking pictures Next he managed a short walk along of people’s pets would “make a nice the edge of a boxing ring in the health little career.” club where they worked out. It was But Jane’s mother said, “If you really the hardest fight of Kraus’s life. want something, you work hard People at the gym cheered him on. enough, you take advantage of oppor- 89 RD I JULY 2006 tunities, you never give up and you will find a way.” Never giving up meant traveling to the other side of the earth. It meant enduring physical hardship in the mountains of Tanzania. And it meant surviving a raid in which rebels cap- tured people who worked with her and held them for ransom. All survived, and so did Jane Goodall’s dream. Her research documented the com- plex social behavior of chimpanzees— animals that greet one another with a kiss or a hug, and make From blue and use tools. Dr. Jane Goodall collar to black became known worldwide, tie, Bobby and she changed the way we Moresco writes think about these remarkable about real life ied acting, turned out for creatures, all by doing the in America. all the cattle calls—and impractical. during the decade of the 1970s made a total of $2,000. “I wasn’t Try It a a good actor, but I had a driving need to do something different with my Different Way life,” he says.

Bobby Moresco grew up in New He moved to Hollywood, where he OUTLINE MARK HANAUER/CORBIS York’s Hell’s Kitchen, a tough work- drove a cab and worked as a bartender. ing-class neighborhood on Manhat- “My father said, ‘Stop this craziness tan’s West Side. But Hell’s Kitchen lies and get a job; you have a wife and right next door to Broadway, and the daughter.’ ” But Moresco kept working bright lights attracted Bobby from the at his chosen craft. time he was a teen. Being stagestruck Then in 1983 his younger brother was hardly what a street kid could Thomas was murdered in a mob- admit to his buddies. Fearing their linked killing. Moresco moved back ridicule, he told no one, not even his to his old neighborhood and started girlfriend, when he started taking act- writing as a way to explore the pain ing lessons at age 17. If you were a kid and the patrimony of Hell’s Kitchen. from the neighborhood, you became a Half-Deserted Streets, based on his cop, construction worker, longshore- brother’s killing, opened at a small man or criminal. Not an actor. Off-Broadway theater in 1988. A Hol- Moresco struggled to make that lywood producer saw it and asked him long walk a few blocks east. He stud- to work on a screenplay. 90 “THEY SAID I COULDN’T”

His reputation grew, and he got ent film producer who would take a enough assignments to move back to chance, but the upfront money was so Hollywood. By 2003, he was again out meager, Moresco deferred his salary. of work and out of cash when he got Crash slipped into the theaters in a call from Paul Haggis, a director who May 2005, and quietly became both a had befriended him. Haggis wanted smash hit and a critical success. It was help writing a film about the country nominated for six Academy Awards after September 11. The two worked and won three—Best Picture, Best on the script, but every studio in town Film Editing and Best Writing (Orig- turned it down. They kept pitching it. inal Screenplay) by Paul Haggis and Studio execs, however, thought no one the kid from Hell’s Kitchen. wanted to see a stark, honest vision At age 54, Bobby Moresco became of race and fear and lives in collision an overnight success. “If you have in modern America. something you want to do in life, don’t Moresco believed so strongly in the think about the problems,” he says, script that he borrowed money, sold “think about the ways to get it done.” his house. He and Haggis kept pushing. Do you have a great “They Said I At last the writers found an independ- Couldn’t” story? Share it at rd.com/nevergiveup.

EYE OF NEWT + EAR OF TOAD ...

The big thing in the auto world is hybrids. But what about the animal world? The Washington Post asked its readers to come up with the off- spring of two distinct animals. Here they are:

Camel + Ocelot = Camelot: Flourished for one brief shining moment.

Cicada + Elephant = Cicaphant: Even after 17 years, it never forgets how nice you are.

Cardinal + Shar-Pei = Cardsharpei: One of the dogs playing poker.

Badgers + Gnus = Badgnus: Travels fast, on or underground; often unearthed by pesky hounds.

Scottish Terrier + Tapir = Scotchtapir: Uses sticky traps to ensnare its prey.

Porcupine + Soldier Ant = Porcupinesol: A pet that keeps its own cage sparkling clean and fresh. 91 Take aBite SUMMER WEIGHT-LOSS SPECIAL (A smallone)

(LEFT) ALISON MIKSCH/FOODPIX/JUPITER IMAGES; (RIGHT) MANGO PRODUCTIONS/CORBIS 10 ways to outwit your weight BY PAULA DRANOV

erri crecco believes she’s ad- dicted to sugar. Even as a kid, she had trouble resisting sweets. As an adult, when things aren’t going Twell, cookies and ice cream make her feel better. Once, she downed a whole pound of jellybeans walking back to her office after her lunch break. “I meant to eat just a few, but I couldn’t stop until I finished the entire bag,” she says. “My cravings can be awful, in- satiable. You can’t ignore them.” As a result, the 55-year-old New York City mortgage bro- 93 RD I JULY 2006 ker has been waging a lifelong battle potato chips when we’re stressed, with her weight. tired or bored? “Under stress, we Karsten Askeland, 56, a Niagara Falls crave foods that we liked as children, police officer, got hooked on burgers, a time in our psychological life when fries and other fast food when he was there was little stress,” says John 14 and sidelined from sports after Foreyt, PhD, professor of psychiatry breaking his leg. Until then, Askeland at Baylor College of Medicine in had been a trim and athletic kid who Texas. No surprise, then, that when played basketball and football, and was we’re under pressure, we don’t reach the fastest sprinter on the track team. for the steamed broccoli. Immobilized by his broken leg, he con- Even animals respond to stress by tinued to eat as if he was still burning indulging in fattening foods. A study thousands of calories a week playing at the University of California, San sports. Long after his leg healed and Francisco, found that chronic stress in the years beyond high school, he prompted lab rats to indulge in high- continued to indulge. “It would be calorie foods (in the rats’ case, food nothing for me to eat my supper at containing lard and sucrose). home and then go out immediately When cravings start to sabotage to McDonald’s and order a Quarter health or weight-loss efforts, however, Pounder with Cheese, a fish sandwich, they may become a source of stress, a large order of fries and a large Coke. and that’s a double whammy. Can you Sometimes I would go to McDonald’s lose weight despite yearnings for two or three times a day!” chocolate or cheeseburgers? Experts Before Askeland knew it, his weight say yes, though conquering cravings had ballooned to 280 pounds. In 1975 can take some savvy strategy—as well he began a strict low-calorie diet and as insight into the brain and body exercise plan to get down to 190 so chemistry that underlies the yen for he could join the police force. But on Rocky Road ice cream or guacamole his break from the night shift, he and chips. would head for the local Chinese restaurant. In time, he regained all the Gotta Have It—Why? weight and more, reaching a high of Virtually all women (97 percent) 474 pounds. Since then, life for Aske- and most men (68 percent) admit to land has been a struggle to lose weight having food cravings, according to and subdue those hard-to-deny crav- one study. For women, chocolate and ings for fast food. other sweets top the list, while men often yearn for entrées such as juicy Stress and Comfort Food steaks or cheeseburgers with all What makes people eat like this? the trimmings. After menopause, On a more modest scale, why do we women’s cravings may become more reach for chocolate or doughnuts or like men’s. “It’s tempting to say that 94 Women TAKE A BITE hormonal changes are hunger, either. Who is to blame. But there may crave hungry at the end of also could be a group chocolate, Thanksgiving dinner of older women who when the pumpkin pie grew up during the De- while men is served? And who pression when more yearn for a turns it down? “If you’re value was placed on hungry, you don’t re- meat and protein foods, juicy steak. ally care what you eat. so who knows?” ex- An unflavored bowl of plains Marcia Pelchat, oatmeal will do,” says PhD, a food-cravings Allen Levine, PhD, di- researcher at the Mon- rector of the Minnesota ell Chemical Senses Obesity Center. Center in Philadelphia. Instead of satisfying Hormonal swings hunger, cravings re- seem to be at least ward us and give us partly responsible for pleasure. Researchers women’s cravings. Lev- are just beginning to

MANGO PRODUCTIONS/CORBIS els of both estrogen understand the brain and the feel-good brain chemical sero- chemistry at work here. They have tonin drop when women are premen- found that the creamy, rich taste of strual. And there’s a possibility that chocolate can give you a rush that’s sweets, pasta and other carbohydrate more subdued but not totally at foods can boost serotonin, making you odds—biochemically speaking—from feel better. Hormonal changes may what happens in the brain when drug also explain cravings for pickles addicts inject heroin or sniff cocaine. and ice cream or other pregnancy- related hankerings, but so far, there’s Are Drugs the Answer? no solid proof. At the University of Michigan, re- Could what we crave be something searchers found that cravings for our body needs? Experts are pretty sweets can be turned off with nalox- certain that missing nutrients are not one, a powerful intravenous drug or- to blame for the vast majority of crav- dinarily used to counteract heroin and ings. True, chocolate provides the morphine overdoses. They gave nalox- body with magnesium. But sad to say, one to 14 women who were binge if our bodies really were crying out eaters, 8 of whom were obese, and to for magnesium, we would be longing 12 normal-weight women. While get- for big green salads, which provide a ting the drugs intravenously, the lot more than the small amount found women were told to eat as much as in a chocolate bar. they wanted of a mouth-watering Cravings have very little to do with array of cookies and candy bars. Once 95 RD I JULY 2006 the drug entered their systems, the cravings and drug addiction. “I don’t binge eaters lost interest in the high- think we should be too horrified” at cal smorgasbord. (The normal-weight the parallels, says Dr. Pelchat. “Drugs women didn’t eat any more or less.) are bad because they stimulate reward Another Michigan study showed that circuits more strongly and quickly naloxone squelched the pleasure than food, and make us neglect our binge-eating participants got from responsibilities and fail to take care consuming chocolate and cookies. of ourselves.” This doesn’t mean we need a heavy- Naloxone is much too powerful for duty drug like naloxone to curb our everyday use, but some see promise appetites, but it does reveal a bio- in the drug Acomplia, currently await- chemical relationship between food ing approval by the FDA, which may 10 Ways to Control Your Cravings ou can lose weight by overcom- and start to feel bad while eating it, ing your cravings now. Here are destroy it. “Don’t just throw it away; Ythe latest tricks of the trade from run water over it, ruin it. You’ll feel a researchers and experts: sense of accomplishment that you’ve Avoid your triggers “You crave licked your binge,” says Caroline what you eat, so if you switch what Apovian, MD, director, Nutrition and you’re eating, you can weaken your Weight Management Center at Boston old cravings and strengthen new Medical Center. Don’t think about the ones,” says Marcia Pelchat, PhD, of the money you’re wasting. If the cookies Monell Center. This can happen pretty don’t go into the garbage, they’re fast. For five days, her study volun- going straight to your hips. teers drank bland dietary-supplement Go nuts Drink two glasses of water beverages. During that time, they and eat an ounce of nuts (6 walnuts, craved fewer of their trigger foods. 12 almonds or 20 peanuts). Within By the end of the study, the volunteers 20 minutes, this can extinguish your actually wanted the supplements in- craving and dampen your appetite by stead. The first few days are always the changing your body chemistry, says hardest, and you probably can’t com- RD’s “Health IQ” columnist Michael pletely eliminate your old cravings. F. Roizen, MD. But the longer you avoid your trigger Jolt yourself with java Try foods, the less likely you may be to sipping a skim latte instead of reach- want them. In fact, you’ll probably ing for a candy bar. The caffeine it begin to crave the foods you eat, a real contains won’t necessarily satisfy your bonus if you’ve switched to fresh fruit. cravings, but it can save you the calo- Destroy temptation If you’ve suc- ries by quenching your appetite, says cumbed to a craving and bought a box Dr. Roizen. And the warm richness of cookies or some other trigger food and ritual can distract you. 96 TAKE A BITE

help people lose weight or stop smok- MRIs to watch responses to cravings, ing. Still, it’s doubtful that any drug they saw activity in brain areas related will be able to cure our cravings. After to emotion, memory and reward. all, they’re not rational—and they’re Researchers now want to know not all governed by a single brain whether those reward mechanisms in chemical. “We would have to know the brain could be satisfied by alter- what other pleasures we would block,” native turn-ons—music, perhaps, or says Dr. Levine. Another problem with video games or shoe shopping. That designing a drug: Cravings affect more study is in the works. Shopaholics than one area of the brain. When everywhere, beware! Dr. Pelchat and researchers at the Uni- How do you conquer your cravings? versity of Pennsylvania used functional Tell us at rd.com/cravings.

Let it go Since stress is a huge trig- Foreyt, PhD, of Baylor College of Med- ger for cravings, learning to deal with icine. Recognize that and divert your it could potentially save you hundreds mind: Call someone, listen to music, of calories a day. This will take some run an errand, meditate or exercise. practice. You can try deep breathing Indulge yourself—within limits or visualizing a serene scene on your Once in a while, it’s OK to go ahead own, or you can speed things up by and have that ice cream (see our cover buying one of the many CDs that photo, below). But buy a small cone, teach progressive muscle relaxation. not a pint. Try 100-calorie CocoaVia A good one is Relaxation/Affirmation chocolate bars and 100-calorie Techniques by Nancy Hopps (avail- snack packs of cookies, peanuts or able at rd.com/relax). pretzel sticks. The trick is to buy only Take a power nap Cravings sneak one pack at a time so you won’t be up when we’re tired. Focus on the tempted to reach for more. And since fatigue: Shut the door, close your eyes, even 100 extra calories can sabotage re-energize. weight loss if you indulge Get minty fresh Brush On the Cover daily, strike a bargain with your teeth; gargle with yourself to work off the mouthwash. “When you excess calories. A brisk have a fresh, clean mouth, 15-minute walk will burn you don’t want to mess it 100 calories or so. up,” says Molly Gee, RD, Plan or avoid Vary of Baylor College of Medi- your usual routine to cine in Houston. avoid passing the bakery Distract yourself If Craving ice cream? or pizzeria. If you know only ice cream will do, it’s A half-cup of the you’ll be face-to-face with a craving, not hunger. light kind, topped irresistible birthday cake, “Cravings typically last with berries, has allocate enough calories

PHOTOGRAPHED BY SUSAN GOLDMAN SUSAN BY PHOTOGRAPHED ten minutes,” says John only 162 calories. to fit it into your diet. 97

DAVID ROTH/BOTANICA/JUPITER IMAGES Pays Pays W Remember how muchmore some of theharsher realities ofAmeri- 1969 to 1974 may nothave reflected The groovy show TV thataired from split-level houseto answer thephone. ning down thestairs oftheirmod the Grand Canyon—or even justrun- peting inasack race, ridingmulesinto ily mightbecampingtogether, com- in theAstroTurf backyard. Orthefam- were ridingtheirbikes orplaying ball umphs andmishapsoftheirday, they plesauce while gabbing about thetri- the tableeatingpork chopsandap- and Cindy weren’t allgathered around back inthehabit. active we usedto be? How to get SUMMER WEIGHT-LOSS SPECIAL When It Peter, Jan, Bobby When Greg, Mar The Brady Bunch? the late-’60s sitcom ho could to forget cia, I BY KATHRYN CASEY how to eathealthier andloseweight. the way Americalived then,including around thetable.We canlearnfrom baseball andfast food replaced meals fore videogames usurpedsandlot inisce about how Americanslived be- cell-phone times. better!) inthosepre-computer, pre- show we moved around more (andate can family life inthatera, but itdid Advantage The Home-Cooked ting less exercise thanprevious gen- “We’re eatingmore caloriesandget- three decades. The result isobvious: plummeting 33percent inthepast Play Today, many peoplewistfully rem- The family dinnerisdisappearing, 99 RD I JULY 2006

erations,” says Lawrence Cheskin, MD, nearly half. “And restaurant portions director of the Johns Hopkins Weight have ballooned,” says Lisa Young, PhD, Management Center. “Supersizing our RD, an adjunct professor at NYU and food is supersizing us.” author of The Portion Teller. In her re- Aside from the emotional benefits search, Young found restaurant por- of sharing a family meal, the real ad- tions were two to eight times that of vantage is control—of the quality, in- standard serving sizes. gredients and portions of food. In 1970, Eating while driving or watching 34 percent of America’s food budget television has another unhealthy side was spent in restaurants. Now it’s effect. Distracted, we don’t realize how much we’re putting in our mouths. At family dinners, when we Start Good pause to talk, we eat more slowly, al- lowing our stomachs time to signal New Habits our brains that we’re full. How is it possible to eat dinner together and exercise more when both parents Little Moves Matter work and kids are overscheduled? It can In addition, so much of what’s been be done, says William Doherty, co-author of Putting Family First. designed for our high-tech age keeps • Schedule it Make time for meals us from moving around. We sit for together just like you do for soccer hours at the computer—working, practice or dentist appointments. Plan shopping, reading, researching, play- meals in advance, shop for groceries on ing games, even making friends. With- weekends and freeze what you can. out ever leaving the couch, we can • Make it fun Benefits from a family answer the phone, change the chan- meal don’t happen just by sitting and nel and send e-mails from our hand- eating together; it’s what you do with that held devices. Studies have shown that time. First, turn off the TV and talk to one some kids raised on these gadgets may another. But avoid stressful subjects like expend almost no extra physical en- report cards or work, or power struggles ergy in the course of a day. over food. Keep conversation light. But here’s how it used to be: We got • Go out and play Remember that up to change the channel. We walked swing set in the backyard, the basketball to the corner mailbox to send a letter. hoop at the end of the driveway, the bikes in the garage? Even 15 minutes of fun We ran around the backyard to play a together burns calories, reduces stress game. We got up to answer the phone. and promotes family bonding. We went to the library to do research. • Take a break Limit passive computer We made new friends in the park or at and TV time. Get up every 20 minutes the bowling alley. Parents went for a and do some stretches, tackle a house- walk after dinner. Kids went outside hold chore or go out for a walk. It clears and just played. And those little ex- your mind and helps burn off lunch! penditures of calories really added up. Then and … Now CALORIES IN Calories Calories & Fat & Fat DINNER Salad with dressing, 618 DINNER Hardee’s Monster 1,410 roll with butter, roasted chicken, calories, Thickburger calories, baked potato and green beans 21g fat 107g fat SNACK 16-oz. soda and small 423 SNACK 44-oz. soda, large 1,989 plain popcorn calories, popcorn with butter topping, calories, 11g fat 3-oz. box Milk Duds 87g fat

CALORIES OUT Calorie expenditures vary by age, gender and weight. These examples are for a 140-pound woman. Calories Calories burned burned Wash and wax car by hand 200 Drive through car wash 9.5 Walk two blocks to mail letter 22 Type e-mail and hit send 9.5 Play tag for 45 minutes in 225 Play video game on couch 85 backyard for 45 minutes Walk a block or two to nearest 57 Pull cell phone from pocket 10 pay phone, dial and walk back and hit speed dial Drive to mall, walk to store, 133 Sit at computer, visit store’s 17 try on clothes, pay, walk back website, choose item, type in to car and drive home credit card info and get item from mailbox Walk to co-worker’s office and 19 Stay at desk, attach docu- 4 hand him documents ments to e-mail and hit send Drive to photo developer, drop 178 Sit at computer and upload 29 off film and return next day photos

SOURCE: FABIO COMANA, exercise physiologist, American Council on Exercise

Today, kids must be productive and professor of family social science at prepare for success. From 1981 to 1997, the University of Minnesota. And, as children’s free time dropped by 12 we know, stress can lead to overeating hours a week and unstructured activ- and obesity—something we never saw ities by 50 percent. “We’re so worried in the lives of that Brady gang. about our kids being able to compete Additional reporting by LISA MILLER FIELDS that we’ve created stress for the entire For more ideas on healthy weight-loss family,” says William Doherty, PhD, habits, visit rd.com/healthyhabits. 101 One night, Heather Rudnick says, her grief turned into a fierce determination to “beat this monster.” Why Me? Heather was only 33 and had never smoked. How could she have lung cancer?

BY LISA COLLIER COOL

Heather rudnick stepped into her boss’s office and shut the door. Outside, a winter chill hung over the glass towers of downtown Philadel- phia. “I just got a call: My doctor wants me to come in to discuss my test results,” she said, choking on the words as she started to cry. “He won’t tell me on the phone.” Her boss didn’t ask any questions but said, “Let’s go. You’re too upset to drive.” As they sped to the doctor’s office on that cold January day in 2003, Heather, the divorced mom of a six-year-old son, was terrified. Twelve days earlier, she’d developed heart palpitations during a treadmill work- out. She blamed stress, since she’d been putting in a lot of overtime at her job as a business development coordinator at a Philadelphia law firm.

PHOTOGRAPHED BY SHONNA VALESKA 103 Heather (with Brad and Tyler) says, “We just try to appreciate the time we have.”

After the palpitations persisted for ing, No! What are you doing? You several hours, she went to the ER, need to pray that the results are noth- where tests showed that her heart was ing! You need to pray that I am fine!” okay. Then a young resident pointed She had called her boyfriend, Brad to a cloudy spot on her chest x-ray, Saler, before leaving work. To her re- in the right lung, which he thought lief, he was there in the waiting room. might be pneumonia. That didn’t He wrapped her in his arms to try to make sense to Heather. She felt fine console her; then they went into the except for her pounding heartbeat, exam room together. which returned to normal the next “I felt like I was having an out-of- morning. Still, she consulted a lung body experience when I heard the di- specialist and had more tests, includ- agnosis,” says Heather. “Tears were ing a needle biopsy. Then she just had pouring down my face. How could I to wait for the results. have lung cancer? I was only 33, and I’d Now, on the way to the doctor’s never smoked even one cigarette. The office, she jumped when her boss doctor had no answers, but he kept touched her arm and suggested they stressing that the cancer had been pray together, asking for the strength caught early, so surgery should take to handle the results, whatever they care of it. I felt trapped in the middle might be. That made Heather even of a tornado, with the funnel closing more anxious. “My mind was scream- in on me.” 104 WHY ME?

She left in a daze, wondering how to ary 17, 2003, the day of her surgery. A break the news to her parents. She blizzard had struck New Jersey the called her mom at work, and they day before, and Heather was worried cried together. Then it was time to her operation would be canceled. Be- pick up her son, Tyler, at school. “I fore dawn, Brad shoveled through must have looked like I’d been hit by four-foot snowdrifts to the car, while a truck, and my face was swollen from she called to make sure the surgeon crying, but he didn’t notice anything would be there at 5:45, as scheduled. wrong.” Instead, the little boy was At the hospital, there was only time excited they were going to visit his to say, “I love you” and “See you later” grandparents. to her boyfriend and her parents be- Heather thought she had her emo- fore she was wheeled to the OR. tions under control when she arrived at her parents’ home in Marlton, New octors removed al- Jersey, the same suburb where she and most half her lung, Tyler lived. But when her dad gave along with surrounding her a wink and a sad smile, she lost it, lymph nodes, through and had to rush to another room. Her an incision under her father followed her and gave her a arm. After a three-day long hug. “Dad looked into my eyes, hospital stay, Heather and said I was going to get through Dreturned to her parents’ home, where this,” she says. “I believed him.” she spent a month recuperating. At The next few days were a blur of first, she was in such pain that all she phone calls and medical visits. “One could do was lie on the couch. “The night, I fell into a black hole of self- doctor gave me a machine to blow pity, and said, ‘Why me?’ Nothing Brad into, and exercises so my shoulder said made me feel any better. He told wouldn’t freeze up, but after two min- me I’d be fine, and I screamed, ‘You utes I was in absolute agony. It even don’t know that!’ When I asked, ‘What hurt to sneeze. I felt like somebody about Tyler?’ he promised to take care had shoved a hard shoe box where my of him. Instead of being reassured by lung was supposed to be.” this, I found myself yelling, ‘You think By her one-month checkup, she was I’m going to die!’ I was so scared that much better. “I told the surgeon that I was beyond all comfort.” And she I’d wear my four-inch scar like a badge had another fear that she was afraid of honor—even in my bikini.” The to voice: “Brad and I had only been doctor grinned, but the light moment dating for eleven months. I wondered didn’t last. He turned somber as he if he’d bail. I had a lot of baggage, with explained that the lab had found can- having a ready-made family—and a cer in five of her lymph nodes. “I felt cancer diagnosis.” blindsided,” says Heather. “Instead of But Brad was by her side on Febru- having early cancer, it was advanced. 105 US060704USRD 6/2/06 July 065:42 PM Page Lung 106 Cancer Woman-No. 04 Form 4B U US060704 [JB/JK] 2nd REV FINAL U

RD I JULY 2006 S 1 I was afraid to ask how much time I felt well enough to return to work part- 2 had left because I didn’t want that time at the law firm, and started her 3 number in my head. It would have treatment later that month. She and 4 sucked all the hope out of me.” B Brad also went to a lung cancer sup- w 5 A panel of cancer specialists re- port group. Heather was by far the p 6 viewed her case and advised six weeks youngest patient. She found it heart- d 7 of daily radiation, plus weekly chemo- ening to meet ten friendly survivors, 8 8 therapy. They explained that because and hear their stories of victory and y 9 she was young, they could hit her with determination. d 10 everything at once, to get the best shot Meanwhile, Brad made a decision: 2 11 at a cure. Heather took a deep breath, He was going to propose. “For a few s 12 then said, “Okay, do it.” months, I’d known in my heart that I s 13 By the middle of April 2003, Heather wanted to marry Heather, but I’d m 14 thought it was too soon to ask,” c 15 says the 36-year-old financial t 16 Lung Cancer and planner. “I wanted to be with her o 17 Nonsmokers whether she had cancer or not, 18 because I loved her.” On the Fri- ana reeve’s recent death highlights 19 an alarming fact: Women who don’t day night before her treatment L 20 Dsmoke are at far greater risk for the was to begin, during a Scrabble I 21 disease than their male counterparts. game he spelled out the words v 22 Among men, only 10 percent of lung can- “marry me” on the board, then o 23 cers occur in nonsmokers, compared with showed her a sparkling diamond c 24 as much as 30 percent for women. Doc- ring. Thrilled, she flung her arms r 25 tors are still probing this deadly gender in the air and, laughing and cry- t 26 gap, but hormones may play a role, says ing, said, “Yes, yes, yes!” t 27 Dr. James Stevenson of the Her happiness helped her a 28 Cancer Institute of New get through the first few days b 29 Jersey. “There is some evi- of radiation. “I was on cloud dence that estrogen is in- 30 nine, showing my ring to any- g volved in the development 31 one who would listen,” says d

of lung cancer in both S 32 Heather. When she lay on a b smoking and nonsmoking 33 green hospital recliner for her a women.” Other risk factors 34 first chemo session, and t for both sexes include ex- Dana Reeve died 35 watched the drugs drip into 5 posure to tobacco fumes, of lung cancer in 36 her arm, she was filled with p asbestos, radon gas in soil, March at age 44.

37 air pollution and workplace dread, not just of the side ef- PHOTO WORLD AP/WIDE b 38 toxins, or a family history of lung cancer. fects, but also the possibility that m 39 In 2006, about 20,000 nonsmokers are ex- it wouldn’t work. According to g 40 pected to develop lung cancer, along with her doctor, James Stevenson, MD, i 41 about 155,000 past and current smokers. co-director of the Comprehensive a 106 Should You Be Screened? y the time lung cancer symp- swering is exactly how many lives will toms strike (these include per- be saved,” says Claudia Henschke, MD, Bsistent cough, unexplained fever, the study’s lead author. “Perhaps it weight loss, hoarseness, bloody might be as much as 50 percent.” phlegm and shortness of breath), the However, lung scans, which cost about disease is usually so advanced that $300 each, can also pick up harmless 85 percent of patients die within five abnormalities, causing healthy people years of diagnosis. But now it can be needless alarm. detected early, according to a February So who should get tested? “Consider 2006 multicenter study. Of 28,689 screening if you’re 50 or older, and symptom-free men and women have smoked a pack a day for at least screened with a spiral CT lung scan, ten years, or two packs a day for at most of those diagnosed with lung least five years—even if you have now cancer (464 patients) had small, highly quit,” says Dr. Henschke. For more in- treatable tumors that hadn’t spread formation, go to ielcap.org, the site of outside the lung. the International Early Lung Cancer “The only question that needs an- Action Program.

Lung Cancer Program at the Cancer asked if I’d still be around then. I had Institute of New Jersey at Cooper Uni- visions of Tyler sobbing because I’d versity Hospital, “only 15 to 20 percent died. I’d watch him as he slept, and of people with her stage of cancer are wonder if he’d remember me.” cured, even with chemotherapy and But one night, as she sat by Tyler’s radiation. Most don’t live more than bed, her sadness shifted to fierce de- two years. But if anyone could beat termination. “It was as if a switch those odds, it’s Heather. She’s young clicked on inside me,” she says. “I had and healthy, and has every reason to to make it through the treatment so I be optimistic.” could beat this monster. My little boy During the treatment, however, she needed me—and I needed him!” She got sicker and more discouraged every battled side effects for months, but lit- day. She vomited blood, developed tle by little her strength returned. To blistering burns on her chest and back, track her progress, she had lung scans and smelled a constant charred scent every three months, and was elated that left her too nauseated to eat. The when test after test found no sign of 5' 7" mom’s weight dropped from 140 cancer. On January 15, 2004, she wore pounds to 113, and her strawberry- a strapless ivory gown as she married blond curls fell out in clumps. Brad Brad on a cruise ship, with Tyler as moved in to take care of her. As she the best man. got sicker, her thoughts grew increas- In November 2004, however, she ingly gloomy. “When Brad talked got terrible news: A scan showed 25 about our wedding, a voice in my head or more specks scattered through both 107 RD I JULY 2006 lungs. Because the nodules were so of my patients with advanced lung tiny, it was impossible to biopsy them, cancer have tried a macrobiotic diet. says Dr. Stevenson. He determined it For someone like Heather, it may have could be a microscopic spread of her an impact, but there’s not much re- cancer, or inflammation from her search on that.” She says she’s never treatment. He advised scans every felt healthier, and on her most recent three months to see if the spots grew scan, the spots remain tiny, leading significantly. If so, he’d do a biopsy. Dr. Stevenson to conclude that if they And if cancer was found, the only are cancer, it’s a very slow-growing treatment was chemotherapy. But form. “There’s still reason for opti- until there was a clear diagnosis, they mism,” he says. could only watch and wait. To celebrate, in March 2006 Each subsequent scan showed that Heather and Brad went on a seven- the specks had grown slightly, but not day cruise. Leaving winter behind, enough for a biopsy. Faced with con- they visited Dunns River Falls in Ja- stant anxiety, and no immediate medi- maica. As rushing water splashed their cal options, Heather looked for other legs, they began to climb the 600-foot ways to protect her health. Since she waterfall. While many people stopped was already slim, exercised as much as at a platform partway up, Heather possible and avoided exposure to sec- pushed on, despite her radiation- ondhand smoke, she only had one bad damaged lungs, until she made it to habit to kick: her terrible diet. the top. That victorious moment, she “I’d have a soft pretzel with mus- says, sums up her cancer journey: “It’s tard for breakfast, fast food burgers a series of slippery rocks I’ve had to for lunch, and nachos glopped with climb for the past three years. I don’t cheese for dinner.” In May 2005 she know where I’ll end up, but whatever began a special macrobiotic diet. the obstacles are, I’m determined to Dr. Stevenson okayed the plan. “Some take that next step.”

BUT I LIKE TO HEAR MYSELF TALK Some people live by the credo “Why use one word to describe some- thing when I can use 47?” But in some cultures, that’s frowned upon. Here are some succinct examples and their English translations. Tingo (Easter Island): “To take all the objects one desires from the house of a friend, one at a time, by borrowing them” Nakkele (Tulu, India): “A man who licks whatever the food has been served on” Bakku-shan (Japanese): “A girl who appears pretty from behind but not from the front” The Meaning of Tingo by ADAM JACOT DE BOINOD (Penguin) 108 When you jump in the ocean, you swim at your own risk. Right?

BeYOU the Judge BY ROBIN GERBER

Rabbi israel poleyeff, a high school and the family had gone to Miami teacher in Cedarhurst, New York, Beach to celebrate. didn’t have much time for vacations. Neither family could have known Neither did his wife, Eugenie, that their lives were about to a school secretary. That’s be tragically linked. The why the couple, both in Breauxes were staying their 60s, had been at the Seville Hotel, looking forward to a on the water at 29th trip to Miami Beach Street. On their last during the break be- day of vacation, tween school terms they strolled out to in February 1997. join other beach- Zachary Breaux, goers already enjoy- another New Yorker, ing the sand, sun and headed to Miami Beach surf. The beach had that week as well. The 36- a city-run bathhouse year-old jazz guitarist was with showers and picnic there with his wife, Frederica, and tables, and a tiki hut that housed Hur- their young daughters, Alexis, Mia and ricane Beach Rentals, with beach Nina. Breaux’s latest album, Uptown chairs, umbrellas and watersport Groove, had just reached No. 14 on equipment. What the beach did not Billboard’s contemporary jazz chart, have was a lifeguard.

ILLUSTRATED BY GUY BILLOUT 109 RD I JULY 2006

That same day, the Poleyeffs made men were able to snatch the pair and their way down to the 29th Street bring them to shore. A few of the men beach. Eugenie Poleyeff loved to swim. were still administering CPR when a So, as her husband enjoyed the sunny lifeguard ran up from a beach eight day, Eugenie joined a number of oth- blocks away. But it was too late. Eu- ers already in the water. genie and Zachary both died. But no one at the 29th Street beach The Poleyeff and Breaux families knew that a riptide was rushing with sued Miami Beach, arguing that the deadly force under the surface. A rip- city had control over the area. The tide is a narrow slice of rapidly city should have warned swim- coursing water that moves mers of rip currents, they away from the shore— claimed. And why and Eugenie had the weren’t lifeguards on extreme bad luck duty? Anyone could of swimming right see people were into this perilous swimming. Didn’t current. The pow- Miami Beach have erful riptide imme- a duty to provide diately pulled her ocean-lovers with a out to sea. safe place to swim? As Eugenie cried out After all, the city for help, it was Zachary seemed to be encourag- Breaux, building sand cas- ing people to swim by sup- tles with his daughters, who heard plying public showers and her screams. The young father shot watersport rentals. At every other into the water, while his wife ran beach where the city offered these toward the boardwalk to find a life- amenities, there were also lifeguards. guard. Zachary’s daring leap into The day of the drowning, the lifeguard the sea made perfect sense to his fam- at the 21st Street beach, just eight ily: In 1988, the excellent swimmer blocks away, had even posted riptide and former Eagle Scout had saved a warning flags. This tragedy could have drowning man off the coast of Italy. been avoided if Miami Beach had But the riptide proved too strong shown reasonable care. even for him: Zachary was also over- The city saw its responsibilities dif- come by the ocean’s force. Horrified ferently. Miami Beach’s lawyers cer- bystanders gathered at the surf’s edge tainly did not think licensing beach- and watched the two swimmers thrash equipment rentals increased the city’s in the ocean. Incredibly, a group of responsibility for swimmers. And the

Robin Gerber is a lawyer in Washington, D.C., attorneys were adamant that the city and author of Katharine Graham: The Leader- couldn’t protect against riptides, ship Journey of an American Icon. events that occur suddenly, randomly, 110 YOU BE THE JUDGE and in oceans all over the world. How For Miami Beach to be held liable could the city protect people from the for the deaths, a city attorney argued, natural force of the sea? Keep in mind “you’d have to say that the Atlantic that Florida has over 2,000 miles of Ocean itself is a hazardous condition shoreline. It would be impossible to that must be guarded and protected protect the public at all times. against.” People have a right to swim Besides, the city council had de- wherever they want, the city said, but cided which beaches along the vast Miami Beach didn’t have a duty to shoreline to specify as swimming protect them wherever and whenever areas. These beaches had posted signs they chose to swim. informing the public that swimming was allowed. The 29th Street beach Did the city of Miami Beach have a had not been designated a swimming duty to warn swimmers of danger, or did area, and had no sign indicating that Poleyeff and Breaux swim at their own swimming was—or was not—allowed. risk? You Be the Judge!

Verdict The Case of the Raging Riptide

ast year, the Florida Supreme Nine years have passed since Israel Court made clear that Miami Poleyeff and Frederica Breaux lost LBeach was running the beach on their spouses, and a settlement from 29th Street as a public swimming area. Miami Beach seems likely. Lifeguards The city was responsible for the beach are now posted at the 29th Street and water activities. beach, and the city’s website provides The court added that by supplying information on rip currents. Two more amenities, especially beach rentals, Poleyeff grandchildren have been the city influenced people’s selection born, one named for Eugenie. And of that area for swimming. The pub- Zachary Breaux’s album, the one that lic was led to believe that swimming put him on the Billboard chart, is still was allowed—signs or no signs. The for sale. The last song on the CD is court even went so far as to say that called “I Love This Life.” Miami Beach knew people were swimming there and as a result had KNOW OF ANY INTEREST- provided access from the boardwalk ING OR ODD CASES? E-mail as well as beach facilities, such as [email protected]. Your story could be the next You Be the showers. The city, whether it admitted Judge! Sending gives us permission it or not, was running a swimming to edit and publish. Do you agree with area at the 29th Street beach, and had the decision in this case? Share your a duty to warn swimmers of the pos- opinion at rd.com/community. sible dangers. 111 star struck When I finally bought a fancy telescope, I saw the universe in a

whole new light I BY PETER LESCHAK

FROM NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC ADVENTURE NASA, ESA AND H.E. BOND/STSCI ESA NASA, 112 Page 72 :::www.up2u.in::: I contracted celestial fever trying, in a way, to reach outer space and get to heaven. In early 1998, my friends Chris and Catherine purchased a serious telescope, a six-inch Maksutov-Cassegrain. They knew I was a lapsed high school nerd astronomer, so they were eager to share their new toy with me. One cold winter night, Chris and I hiked onto a frozen lake near their house in northeastern Minnesota, packing a tripod and the new Mak. Chris focused on the Double Cluster, a pair of dense shoals of stars more than 7,000 light-years away. He slipped in a wide-angle eyepiece and grinned. “Check that out,” he said. I looked. The field was packed with stars from center to edge and was so finely resolved that I felt as if I could climb in there and float around. This unexpected revival of my astronomy obsession after 30 years had started almost accidentally. A few months earlier, I had impul- sively pointed to Orion and recited to Chris and Catherine the names of stars I’d taught myself as an adolescent. Under a clear, dark sky, it was easy to be moved by stars, like sparkles on the frosting of a cake.

With his dream scope, Peter Leschak sees Saturn, the Crab Nebula, and the Dippers shining through red- and-green arcs of celestial mist.

PHOTOGRAPHED BY PER BREIEHAGEN RD I JULY 2006

“There’s Rigel,” I said, “and there’s many lean years. She fixed me with Betelgeuse and Bellatrix.” My com- a penetrating eye. “It’s not just the panions were genuinely starstruck, and money, is it?” she asked. their enthusiasm was contagious. “Well,” I replied, “it is the money, But the only telescope I owned was but I suppose it’s also a feeling that I a cheap 60-millimeter refractor, little don’t deserve such a fine object.” Now better than the instrument used by I felt a little pathetic as well as guilty. Galileo in 1610 to discover the four “Get over it.” She then explained— largest moons of Jupiter. A Christmas turning one of my fatalistic notions gift when I was 14, it had seen “first back on me—that I could be dead to- light,” the term describing the ini- morrow, rendering all financial prud- tiation of a new scope, in January ery irrelevant. “Get the telescope,” she 1965. Since then I’d occasionally day- said. “Life is short.” dreamed about owning a quality tele- That clinched it. Within five weeks, scope, as my small refractor didn’t so my fire buddies, who preferred beer much reveal the cosmos as veil it. and burgers, were tired of hearing As a teenager in the late 1960s, I cal- about my choices in optics. But I had culated that if I saved every dime I my starship. earned from my newspaper route, I’d The 540-millimeter TV-101 is a stun- be able to purchase my fantasy tele- ning instrument. The flat black mount scope in 71 years. But even when I is so smooth and finely machined that began to earn adult-size paychecks as just aiming the scope is a pleasure, like a peripatetic wildland firefighter, the spinning the steering wheel of a Lexus. fantasy faded into a wishing well of In his practical yet poetic Celestial perceived frivolity. Handbook, Robert Burnham, Jr., wrote After that night on the lake, I won- that amateur astronomers enjoy a ben- dered, Why not get a good telescope? efit dabblers in other fields lack. For But the impulse to possess smelled of example, rock hounds must be con- heresy, so I squelched it. What I de- tent with second- or third-rate speci- sired would cost about $4,000. mens—they will not own the Hope Then came El Niño. Assuming a diamond or the complete skeleton of busy wildfire year in northeastern a triceratops. But the part-time as- Minnesota where I live, it would be tronomer “has access at all times to conceivable to pay the bills, sock away the original objects of his study; the some loot as a grubstake against hard masterworks of the heavens belong to times, and still buy an excellent instru- him as much as to the great observa- ment. I mulled it over for six weeks. tories of the world.” I mentioned it to my wife, Pam (also I greedily wanted to begin a total- a firefighter), then felt guilty for even immersion baptism of light with the verbalizing the desire. We’d had so new scope. A stretch of foul weather

NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC ADVENTURE (SEPTEMBER ’04), © 2004 BY NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC SOCIETY, 17 AND M STREETS, N.W., WASHINGTON, D.C. 20036 How to get started good beginner’s star chart is Wil Tirion’s DeepMap 600 (oriontelescopes.com). How Amuch you spend on a telescope depends on what you want to see, but expect to pay at least $300. Opt for a quality scope with a 3-inch refrac- tor (low maintenance, with a lens) or a 6-inch reflector (a brighter image, but the trade-off is bulk, weight and frequent realigning of the optical mirror). Catadioptric telescopes are a good com- The Ring Nebula, captured promise between weight, size and performance. by the Hubble Telescope For expert guidance, join an astronomy club. P.L.

intervened, and with the summer sol- I laughed aloud, delighted. I’d seen stice approaching, the backwoods sky photographs, practically drooled on above our cabin wasn’t fully dark until them, but this was real, an “original.” after 10 p.m. I took “astronomy naps” In a moment I was dancing around in the afternoons so I could be alert at the tripod, demented with excite- the eyepiece until long after midnight ment, overcome by an abrupt feeling if the clouds were to part. of déjà vu, not over the Ring itself, At 10:30 one June evening, I set up but over the sense of awe and wonder. the TV-101. It was a clear night. A wan- It was a vivid flashback to the sum- ing gibbous moon was due to rise mer of 1965: I’m 14 years old. I’m

HUBBLE HERITAGE TEAM (AURA/STSCI/NASA) HUBBLE HERITAGE close to 11 o’clock, washing out the sky, thrilled, inspired. That old 60-millime- so there wasn’t much time to hunt for ter, with all its shortcomings, had al- dim, deep-sky objects like galaxies, tered my worldview, literally changed star clusters or nebulae. my life. It offered the incandescent I swung the scope to the constella- joy of small-town adolescent explo- tion of Lyra, homing in on the famous ration and discovery. Now I felt that Ring Nebula. The Ring is a planetary brand of joy and release again. Back nebula, an expanding shell of gas sur- then, despite some fast-forward grow- rounding an exceptionally hot star. ing up I was shoved into by circum- Such structures are often doughnut- stance—family rupture, religious shaped—a bright band with a dark confusion, the prospect of the draft— core—the star sometimes visible in there was a quality I held in abun- the center, like a cosmic bull’s-eye. I’d dance: hope. I considered the future seen the Ring as a fuzzy dot in the old open-ended, not unlike the vista seen 60-millimeter three decades before. through a telescope. Now, when I zeroed in with the And that June night, in the glow of TV-101, my breathing stopped. I could the Ring and the rising moon, at age see the Ring, distinct and magnificent! 47, I was again revived and reborn. ■ 115 Uncommon Courtesy We keep hearing about the death of civility—but it’s alive and well in a place you’d least expect

BY NEENA SAMUEL AND JOSEPH K. VETTER

woman heads into a Whoa. Common courtesy on the popular New York City mean streets of a city known for its coffee shop on a chilly in-your-face style? Have New Yorkers winter morning. Just suddenly gone soft? ahead of her, a man drops a file full of docu- In her international bestselling Aments. The woman pauses, and stoops death-of-manners manifesto Talk to to help gather the papers. the Hand, author Lynne Truss argues Six blocks away, a different man en- that common courtesies such as say- ters another shop, but not before po- ing “Excuse me” are practically ex- litely holding the door for the person tinct. There are certainly plenty who behind him. A clerk at another busy would agree with her. Consider that store thanks a customer who’s just in one recent survey, 70 percent of made a purchase. “Enjoy,” the young U.S. adults said people are ruder now woman says, smiling widely. “Have a than they were 20 years ago. nice day.” She sounds like she really Is it really true? Reader’s Digest de- means it. cided to find out if courtesy truly is

116 ILLUSTRATED BY ISTVAN BANYAI

RD I JULY 2006 kaput. RD sent reporters to major two New York City police officers. cities in 35 countries where the mag- And guess what? In the end, four out azine is published—from Auckland, of every five people they encountered New Zealand, to Zagreb, Croatia. In passed RD’s courtesy test—making the United States, that meant target- New York the most courteous city in ing New York, where looking out for the world. Imagine that. No. 1—the heck with the other guy— has always been a basic survival skill. A for Effort The routine in New York was sim- While 90 percent of New Yorkers ilar to the one followed elsewhere: passed the door test, only 55 percent Two reporters—one woman and one aced the document drop. Are people man—fanned out across the city, hom- less likely to help others when doing ing in on neighborhoods where street so takes extra effort or time? Not al- life and retail shops thrive. They per- ways, the reporters found. Take the formed three experiments: “door pregnant woman who thought nothing tests” (would anyone hold one open of bending down to help us with our for them?); “document drops” (who papers. Or the Queens woman named would help them retrieve a pile of “ac- Liz who precariously balanced two cidentally” dropped papers?); and coffees, her keys and her wallet on a “service tests” (which salesclerks takeout tray with one hand, while would thank them for a purchase?). picking up papers off the wet pave- For consistency, the New York tests ment with the other. Her reason for were conducted at Starbucks coffee helping? “I was there,” she shops, by now almost as common in said matter-of-factly. the Big Apple as streetlights. In all, 60 tests (20 of each type) were done. Part of the Job Along the way, the reporters en- Nineteen of the 20 clerks countered all types: men and women who were subjected to serv- of different races, ages, pro- ice tests passed. Roger Ben- fessions, and income lev- jamin, the manager and els. They met an aspiring coffee master at a Man- actress, a high school student, a hedge- fund analyst and

118 hattan Starbucks, acknowledged that the chain trains its employees to be courteous. And some baristas the RD reporters encountered went beyond basic niceties. “You have to feed off people’s vibes,” said one clerk. “You go out of your way to show customers they did us a favor by coming here.” At another store, a green-apron-clad attendant said that while courtesy was World of Courtesy* part of his job, he sought respect in New York USA 80% return: “It’s contagious.” Zurich Switzerland 77 Toronto Canada 70 Chivalry: Not Dead Yet Berlin Germany 68 Overall, men were the most willing São Paulo Brazil 68 to help, especially when it came to Zagreb Croatia 68 document drops. In those, men offered Auckland New Zealand 67 Warsaw Poland 67 aid 63 percent of the time, compared Mexico City Mexico 65 to 47 percent among women. Of Stockholm Sweden 63 course, men weren’t entirely demo- Budapest Hungary 60 cratic about whom they’d help. All of Madrid Spain 60 them held the door for RD’s female Prague Czech Republic 60 reporter, and were more than twice Vienna Austria 60 as likely to help her pick up fallen pa- Buenos Aires Argentina 57 Johannesburg South Africa 57 pers than they were to help our male Lisbon Portugal 57 reporter. “I’ll hold the door for who- London United Kingdom 57 ever’s behind me,” said Pete Muller, Paris France 57 27, an account executive from Brook- Amsterdam Netherlands 52 lyn. “But I’m definitely more conscious Helsinki Finland 48 of women!” he added with a smile. Manila Philippines 48 Milan Italy 47 Mother Knows Best Sydney Australia 47 Bangkok Thailand 45 By far, the most common reason Hong Kong 45 people cited for being willing to go Ljubljana Slovenia 45 out of their way to help others was Jakarta Indonesia 43 Taipei Taiwan 43 Moscow Russia 42 The chart at right ranks—from most courteous Singapore 42 to* least courteous—the 35 major cities included in RD’s Global Courtesy Test. Figures reflect the Seoul South Korea 40 percentage of people who passed in each city. Kuala Lumpur Malaysia 37 When multiple cities had identical scores, they Bucharest Romania 35 are listed in alphabetical order. Mumbai India 32 No, You First: Test Your Manners At Work In Public Places for the meat loaf. You … 1. An associate starts to 3. Your cell phone rings a. Reach past him to tell you something embar- on a crowded bus. You … get to the broccoli. rassing about an unpopu- a. Answer and talk as you b. Suggest that in the lar co-worker. You … would anywhere else. future he ask you to a. Stop him short. You’re b. Answer and quietly say pass him the dish. not interested in other you’ll call back. c. Comment on how people’s business. c. Simply shut it off until long his arms are getting. b. Pipe up with a bit of you’re off the bus. your own gossip. With Strangers c. Pay attention. It might 4. You’ve got 14 items in 6. You run into a man be useful when playing your cart, and the super- you’ve met once, but office politics. market is packed. You … forget his name. You … a. Race to the 10-item a. Keep the conversation 2. Approaching a col- express lane. short so as not to embar- league’s desk, you notice b. Hit the express lane, rass yourself. she’s on the phone. You … and group your items as b. Simply pretend you a. Flash an index finger. two purchases. know his name. You just need a minute. c. Grab a magazine and c. Admit and apologize

b. Leave her a Post-it say- use the regular checkout. for your memory lapse.

ing you’d like to speak c 6. b; 5. c; 4.

: 1. a; 2. b; 3. b; b; 3. b; 2. a; 1. : with her when she’s free. At Home Answers c. Hover until she finally 5. At the dinner table, hangs up. your son reaches past you HOW YOU RATE 0-2 Courtesy Clod Ready for part two of this mind-your-manners 3-4 Socially So-So quiz? Go to rd.com/courtesy. 5-6 Manners Maven

their upbringing. “It’s the way I was fluence specifically. “My mom brought raised,” said one young woman who me up like that,” Martin said. “It’s pure held a door open despite struggling manners.” with her umbrella on a frigid, sleety day in Brooklyn. What Goes Around … Her sentiment was echoed by Chris- Another reason people are quick to tine DuBois, a 49-year-old sales man- be courteous: “You do what you’d want ager from Bayside, Queens. DuBois other people to do if it happened to was headed to the gym when she you,” said Christine Rossi, who pitched stopped to retrieve a pile of scattered in on an early-morning document papers. “It’s something that’s taught drop. Dennis Kleinman, a 57-year-old to you when you’re young,” she said. doctor and writer, used one word to A few people, including Frederick sum up what drove his impulse to Martin, 29, credited their mothers’ in- help: “Empathy.” He came to the aid of 120 an RD reporter when a middle-aged woman ignored a pile of papers in front of a shop on Manhattan’s East Side. “The same thing happens to me, and I appreciate it when someone takes 10 to 15 seconds of their valu- able time to help,” he said. Excuses, Excuses The reporters did run into a few courtesy clods. In one case, while an RD staffer was inside a Starbucks interviewing a woman who’d passed the door test, a dozen oblivious people stepped over a second staffer’s the street. But when he dropped his fallen papers. Another time, a wise papers, he made such a face.” guy offered only a snarky comment Thankfully, such responses were the on our clumsiness: “That guy had too exception, not the rule. Which makes much coffee!” he cracked. New York City a pretty darn polite And just when we thought we’d place—the most polite major city in the heard every excuse in the book for not entire world, in case you missed it be- helping, along came Margot Zimmer- fore. We realize this isn’t a rigorous man. The 44-year-old computer sales- scientific study, but we believe it is a woman was on her way into a Queens reasonable real-world test of good Starbucks when a reporter dropped manners around the globe. And it’s his folder of papers right at her feet. comforting to know that in a place Looking down, Zimmerman stepped where millions of people jostle one gingerly around the papers, then en- another each day in a relentless push tered the shop. “I’m probably one of to get ahead, they’re able to do it with the most courteous people,” she in- a smile and a thank-you. Hey, if they sisted later. “I pick up every other per- can make nice here, they can make son’s dog poop. I help old ladies across nice anywhere.

FREUDIAN YIP

The FDA approved a Prozac- type drug for dogs who are de- pressed. This is good, because it’s hard for dogs to get therapy, since they’re never allowed on the couch. COLIN QUINN on Saturday Night Live (NBC) 121 The family was fast asleep—the next

BY WILLIAM M. HENDRYX a line of cedar trees. The night was as black as the water, the A wave of water 30 feet high trees vague shadows against an spun Jerry Toops like a tornado. ebony sky. As he was swept Debris battered and cut him. He toward the cedars, Toops grabbed fought to keep his head up, using a limb and held on. Wood, pieces all the strength in his legs and of plaster and litter slammed him, upper body to swim, angling accumulating around his waist across the ripping current toward like flotsam against a pole in a 122 Page 82 :::www.up2u.in::: The retaining wall of the Taum Sauk reservoir near Lesterville, Missouri, collapsed, releasing a billion gallons of water.

moment they were fighting for their lives breakwater. The rubble weighed Toops pulled himself into the him down. He was an outdoors- swaying treetop. Clinging there, man with strong, callused hands, exhausted, wearing only his un- but inch by inch, the weight and dershorts in the spitting snow S force of the water pulled his and 32-degree chill, he was limp hand down the tree limb, strip- with fatigue. He was alive, but ping the leaves. as he surveyed the rampaging Just when he could hold on no water, he was certain his wife

AP/WIDE WORLD PHOTO WORLD AP/WIDE longer, the debris gave way, and and babies were dead.

DIGITAL MANIPULATION BY TAMARA REYNOLDS 123 RD I JULY 2006 Lisa looked up and saw the roof of the Bedtime came early for the Toops soft, then loud again—a huge tornado, family at their three-bedroom brick she thought. She tucked the infant ranch house nestled in a forested val- under one arm and jumped up. “Jerry, ley in Johnson’s Shut-Ins State Park. get the kids!” She figured the base- At 8 p.m. Lisa Toops put the three kids ment was their only hope. She ran to to bed. She and Jerry, superintendent Tanner’s room. The five-year-old was of the park, followed soon after. Self- climbing from his bed, awakened by reliant and religious, they were used the bedlam. She yelled to him to come, to a work cycle that more closely fol- extending her hand, but before she lowed the sun than the flow of com- could grasp him, a barrage of water muter traffic. Jerry was a real “ranger rushed into the house. type,” rugged, fit, good with his hands. It coursed around her ankles, her His outdoorsman’s beard was just be- knees. In seconds the water level was ginning to gray at the edges. above her chest. Lisa held the baby The 42-year-old naturalist loved the over her head as the surge filled the park, with its strange formations of room. She didn’t know what was hap- igneous rock called shut-ins. A billion pening, but tried to stay calm for her years ago volcanic activity caused a kids. “Hang on to the bed!” she called granite upheaval and confined, or to Tanner, fighting to stay upright in “shut-in,” the Black River in southeast the flood. The water kept rising, re- Missouri. Over the ages, the trapped lentlessly. “Hold your breath, baby!” water carved spectacular gorges, nat- she called over the din. In the next ural water slides and potholes in the moment, they were in liquid darkness. hard rock. In the summertime, the park was a magnet for swimming, “Jerry—!” That was all Jerry Toops camping and hiking, but now, in the had heard of Lisa’s cry to “get the weeks before Christmas, all was quiet. kids.” The sharp urgency in her voice At 4 a.m. that December 14, 2005, sliced through his sleep a moment be- the baby awoke, softly crying to be fore the roar cut off the rest of her fed. Lisa brushed her sandy hair away sentence. The noise. It sounded like from sleepy green eyes, plucked a squadron of jet aircraft flying Tucker from his crib near their bed- through the house. Jerry’s feet hit the room and retreated down the hall to floor, and in that same instant, the the living room sofa to nurse him. back wall of the bedroom exploded, Normally, after feeding she’d put him slamming him back. A second later, back in his crib, but this night they the opposite wall blew out, heaving both fell asleep on the couch. him and the bed in reverse. He was An hour later, Lisa bolted awake. deep underwater. There was a booming roar—loud, then Intuitively, he swam upward—10 124 DAM BREAK house crack open like an eggshell. feet, 20, 30, before surfacing in a sea of As suddenly as it had crested, the uprooted trees, Sheetrock, furniture, water began to recede. Lisa’s head and granite boulders the size of SUVs. came into air. Gasping, she looked up It looked like the Biblical Flood, every- to see the roof splinter and crack open thing destroyed. He swam to a por- like an eggshell. A way out where tion of rooftop that floated nearby and there had been none. She hugged the climbed on. “Lisa! Tanner! Tara! infant with one arm and swam toward Tucker!” he called, but couldn’t hear the opening with the other. Where his own voice above the rushing water. was Tanner? She’d lost her firstborn Praying to see just one head bob to child amid the chaos. Kick your feet, the surface, he knew the odds were baby, she thought, hoping he would all wrong. He was strong and agile, remember the swimming lessons he’d and it had taken all he had to escape. had that summer. Kick your feet. What chance did they have? Within moments, she and the infant washed free of the crumbling house, It seemed forever. Underwater, Lisa riding what amounted to a tsunami in Toops fought for her life and the lives the wintry pitch of night. of Tucker and Tanner. She had no idea where Tara, her three-year-old, was. The thought was terrible. She pushed it aside and focused.

The Toops house before and after the reservoir ruptured. Their home was the only one destroyed. Y COURTESY TOOPS FAMIL TOOPS COURTESY RD I JULY 2006 In the silence and predawn darkness Thirty seconds earlier, he’d been Toops was only half-correct about sound asleep. Now Jerry Toops was the flood. The dam had ruptured, cas- in a battle for his life. The section of cading 1.5 billion gallons—6 million rooftop he’d stood on buckled beneath tons—of water into a narrow valley, him, and he dropped back into the leveling everything in its path, includ- swirling waves. Finally, he managed ing an entire hardwood forest. But it to grab onto the cedar tree and climb was not a natural disaster that released from the water. His body was battered the monster. It was a man-made flaw. and numbed by the freezing chill. Completed in 1963, the dam had Toops strained his eyes in the dark concrete walls 90 feet tall. It was part night. He knew what had happened. of the Taum Sauk hydroelectric gen- He’d foreseen the possibility. He’d erating facility owned by the local util- even prepared, devising an evacua- ity. A fail-safe mechanism had gone tion plan in case a natural disaster rup- awry, allowing the reservoir to over- tured the dam on the mountaintop less than two miles from their home. His job required it, but his choice to live Back on dry land, the Toops (from top) Jerry, Lisa, Tara, there had put his family at risk. He Tucker and Tanner. blamed himself for their deaths. A REYNOLDS PHOTOGRAPHED BY TAMAR BY PHOTOGRAPHED DAM BREAK Wadlow heard a faint cry for help. fill. Runoff eroded the soil beneath Shining a path with his flashlight, one edge of the basin, and it crum- Wadlow trudged a quarter-mile bled, washing the Toops family away. through light rain and spitting snow into the field, stumbling up to his Captain ryan wadlow of the volun- calves in muck, listening for the voice. teer fire department in Lesterville was Seven minutes later, he found him- just leaving for his job as a heavy- self under a tree. The voice was com- equipment operator when the emer- ing from above. A man, deathly ashen, gency pager sounded around 5:50 a.m. wearing only undershorts, was cling- Wadlow stood 6'7" and weighed 327 ing to the upper limbs. He was bleed- pounds. To strangers he looked threat- ing and covered with silt and leaves, ening; friends and neighbors knew and appeared to be in shock. him for his soft heart. Wadlow stretched to his full height, Living close by, Wadlow was first helped Jerry Toops to the ground, and on the scene. He didn’t know it, but gave him his coat. “Are you the park roughly 45 minutes had elapsed since superintendent?” he asked. the Toops family had been swept from “Yes,” said Toops. their home. He parked his truck and “Anybody with you?” asked Wad- slogged through knee-deep mud and low. Toops mumbled something un- water, tracing the reflected ruin with intelligible as Wadlow’s two-way radio his flashlight. crackled. Other members of the volun- Everything in this valley, usually so teer department were now on the familiar to him, was unrecognizable. scene, including Chief Ben Meredith Divested. Scraped away. A stretch of and veteran Gary Maize, looking for the elevated road was covered in six survivors. inches of sludge. A towering wall of Wadlow escorted Toops to the edge uprooted trees had been deposited of the flood-scoured field and had near the edge of a bridge spanning the another volunteer take him to an am- Black River. On the opposite side of bulance. Then Wadlow returned to the roadway from where the family’s search. Meanwhile, Gary Maize and home had been, several vehicles lit- two others had begun hunting about tered a sodden field as if they’d been a half-mile north of Wadlow and the dropped from the sky. command post. Just then, in the silence of predawn, With one weak flashlight between came a faint cry for help. A man’s them, Maize’s group inched through a voice, desperate and shaking with cold. minefield of slimy waste and barbed- “Where are you?” Wadlow called back. wire fences. “Anybody out there?” “Help,” was the only reply, repeated Maize shouted. Then he said to the again and again. others, “Shhh! I heard something.” He 127 PHOTOGRAPHED BY TAMARA REYNOLDS TAMARA BY PHOTOGRAPHED

Rescuers Gary Maize, Ryan wrapped Tanner in his coat and felt Wadlow and Ben Meredith in the for a pulse. He couldn’t find one. field where they found Tara, Ryan Wadlow had by now joined Tucker and Tanner. the others. He lifted Lisa into his arms and carried her toward rescue vehi- killed his radio and listened intently. cles at the edge of the field. Slowly, deliberately, he scanned the One of the volunteers asked her, field with the light. Just ahead there “Ma’am, how many children do you was something in the rubble. have?” Lisa was unresponsive, refusing Wearing only a nightshirt, Lisa to let go of Wadlow’s neck. “How Toops sat limp and incoherent on the many children, ma’am?” soggy ground near the far perimeter Lisa seemed to come awake. “I have of the field about a half-mile from three ...” she said, and then her voice where her home once stood. She held trailed off into silence. the gurgling infant tightly to her chest, Somehow, in all the tumult, she’d while five-year-old Tanner lay appar- managed to hold on to her baby. And, ently lifeless across her legs. Neither miraculously, she’d snagged Tanner stirred nor spoke. They had been as he washed by her, crying for help. stranded there in the rain and snow But she had not seen or heard any- for an hour and ten minutes. thing of Tara, her sweet little girl. “Ma’am, are you all right?” Maize asked. Clearly she was not. He took After turning lisa over to volun- the baby and cleared its air passages teers, Wadlow slogged back to the of mud and leaves. Another firefighter spot where she’d been found. He stood 128 DAM BREAK in the stillness for a moment. Then he The family members were gathered heard a weak whimper. A child! He like pieces of driftwood and taken to followed the sound. Sloshing through the local medical center. From there, mud, some 30 feet away, he came to a they were transferred to Cardinal cedar tree. There beneath the boughs, Glennon Hospital in St. Louis. All almost invisible under silt and rub- were suffering from hypothermia and bish, lay a little girl in muddy brown were covered with cuts and bruises— pajamas. He came closer and shone except Tara, who survived without a his light. Her blue eyes were wide scratch. Tanner was in the worst open; her breath came in shallow shape. An EMT described his condi- rasps. Wadlow swept her up and hur- tion as “not compatible with life.” But ried to the ambulance. the medical team kept working and after almost two hours of CPR, he was Back down the road near the com- revived. Tucker and Tara were hos- mand post, an anguished Jerry Toops pitalized for six days, Tanner two was being tended in the other ambu- weeks. Everyone recovered. lance when word filtered in that they’d The Federal Energy Regulatory “found the baby and little girl.” Toops Commission has investigated the inci- thought that meant their bodies had dent. A report is due out this summer. been found. Dreading the answer, he The Shut-Ins park was devastated, asked, “Are they alive?” but is being restored and will open “Yes,” came the reply. again for swimming and camping in For the first time that night, Jerry 2007. Jerry Toops has been promoted Toops wept. to assistant field supervisor for the The sun rose behind the mountains. Ozarks District. He’s building a home Ten minutes later, he learned that Lisa near Lebanon, Missouri—on a hill and Tanner were also alive. nowhere near a dam.

THE CHURCH OF THE FUNNY ANECDOTE

It was a case of the old world running headlong into the new. I was on the Internet paying a bill to a hospital, Our Lady of the Lake. The bank’s practice of shortening the payee’s name and combining it with the type of debit produced an interesting entry: “Our Lady of the Online Payment.” JOEY HAGMAN

Pride trumps everything, according to this bumper sticker on a car that passed me by: “Proud Parent of an Our Lady of Humility Honor Student.” YOUNGIN CHOI 129 RD Face to Face with Uma Thurman mama!

BY LAURA YORKE Very few of us get to fulfill the when-I-grow-up fan- tasiesU of our childhood. Astronaut, pilot, cowgirl, fire- fighter—those baby ambitions usually pass away. Uma Thurman is one of the lucky ones. As a girl, she wanted to be an actress. Her mother, who knew a thing or two about show business, told her to pick something more realistic. But Uma held on—and held out. And by age 16, she’d landed her first big-screen role. Thirty films and 20 years later, Thurman, 36, has re- alized her career dream—and then some. In movies like Gattaca, Pulp Fiction and The Avengers, Thurman

BRIGITTE LACOMBE 131 RD I JULY 2006 has wielded her talent and icy good so many ebbs and flows in life, but looks to great effect. But her personal when you’re raising small children, life of late has hardly been smooth. your family means everything. She’s still nursing the wounds from her 2004 divorce from second hus- RD: You have an interesting family. band, Ethan Hawke, who is rumored Thurman: But I had a very traditional to have been unfaithful while he was background as well. My parents are away on a film project. The couple neat people. I’m lucky to have been have two young children, Maya, 8, and raised in the most beautiful place— Levon, 4. Thurman says her priority is Amherst, Massachusetts, state of my her daughter and son now, so for the heart. I’m more patriotic to Massa- past few years she has only chosen chusetts than to almost any place. roles that allow her to shoot in New York, where the family lives. RD: Your mother was a model. Your RD spent a late-day lunch talking father, a former Tibetan Buddhist to Thurman on the eve of the release monk, teaches at Columbia University. of her upcoming comedy, My Super Thurman: Because of him, I often get Ex-Girlfriend. She talks to us about her asked if I’m a Buddhist. I always say no, life, her work and her future. because I have such respect for the rigor of being a practicing religious RD: How’s it going since the divorce? person. I’m an actress and mom, and Thurman: Why am I still feeling this? I probably don’t have enough of an ac- Because it leaches out of you slowly. tive spiritual life. And I don’t know One always wishes it would be faster. why people run around calling them- Wouldn’t we all like to just have one selves by the names of religions when big, stupid cry like they do in the they don’t actually practice them. movies, and then it’s over? RD: How did your mom influence you? RD: What ways do you make your kids Thurman: She’s a very strongly inde- feel safe in the wake of the divorce? pendent person. She went off to make Thurman: First, do no harm. And then her future at a really young age. At try to build a positive outlook and a around 15, she went from Stockholm to sense of wholeness. They’re doing England. Imagine that in about 1950. well. They’re remarkable little peo- ple. Of course I think they’re stunning, RD: She’s now a psychotherapist, right? extraordinary human beings. Thurman: She never actually formally practiced. She was a stay-at-home RD: Are you close to your parents and mom who raised four children with your three brothers? no help, which is a lot of work. But Thurman: Oh, yeah. Very. They’re she went back to school in her early great. It’s really wonderful. There are 40s and got a degree. 132 RD: You’re the beautiful daughter of a model. Yet you’ve said many times that you were uncomfort- able with your looks when you were younger. Thurman: My mother al- ways made it very clear to me that, whatever you look like now, you’re going to look worse later. Don’t get too attached to your beauty because it’s not yours to keep. Don’t go around thinking that it’s some big bonus and that you can count on it. And I was not classically attrac- tive. I’ve always been sort of an acquired taste. Thurman celebrated with her parents, Nena and Robert, at The Producers premiere in 2005. EVAN AGOSTINI/GETTY IMAGES AGOSTINI/GETTY EVAN RD: Are you surprised that you stuck with your plan to become an RD: What’s it like being a single actress? mother, given your career? Thurman: It is a surprise. I remember Thurman: I don’t get to stay home being, like, 10, and my mother asking sick. My job is very unforgiving in that me what I wanted to do. When I said regard. And I haven’t entirely figured I want to be an actress, she said, out how to deal with it. I’ve avoided “Everybody does. Say something else. conflict by limiting my options. And You’ve been watching too much TV.” I’m really grateful that I found things Today, it’s sort of disturbing when a I could do that were here in New York. teenager says she wants to be an ac- tress. It is such an unlikely thing to be RD: Tell us about your role in My able to do—not because you can’t be Super Ex-Girlfriend. good at it, but just because of what it Thurman: I play a woman who found takes to survive: luck, talent, holding a meteor as a child and gained super- your head in a certain way, endurance. powers. But all she wants to do is find You have to be able to take insults a nice guy and settle down. Unfor- really well. And how obnoxious will tunately, her own neuroses are so im- you become if you are treated nicely mense that she suffocates anyone who and receive flattery? comes close to her—men run for the 133 Thurman plays a woman scorned in My Super Ex-Girlfriend, and pairs with John Travolta in Pulp Fiction and Matthew Broderick in The Producers. hills. Then she feels the loss and re- tantrums. Think of a humiliating ex- jection that anybody naturally feels, perience you’ve had, when all you did but in her case she expresses it with was sit there quietly and suck it up. out-of-control rage. Super-rage. For years, every time you’d think of it, you’d flinch. You ask, Why didn’t I RD: Was it a fun role to play? just go bananas and take a baseball bat Thurman: It was really fun to play a and smash that person over the head? character who actually vents. So many women don’t vent. We are trained to be RD: You’ve taken on some very physi- gracious and hold our tongues. But this cal roles. On the set of The Producers, MYLES ARONOWITZ/TM AND ® 2006 REGENCY ENTERTAINMENT (USA), INC., AND (USA), ENTERTAINMENT AND ® 2006 REGENCY ARONOWITZ/TM MYLES ANDREW COLLECTION; KOBAL VISTA/THE MIRAMAX/BUENA ENTERPRISES; MONARCHY character flips out and has full-on I saw you slide across this desk … COLLECTION KOBAL SCHWARTZ/UNIVERSAL/COLUMBIA/THE 134 U MAMA!

Thurman: Over and over. One day I Thurman: I’ve always approached hit my hip on the desk so hard I fell to work as a worker. Whatever it takes— the ground. Once you hurt yourself, endurance, discipline, practice, repe- you begin to kind of preemptively tition, courage, working through it—I prepare. Your judgment starts to go just have always been willing to pull wild because your body’s afraid. myself up and try again. I’ve never taken success for granted. RD: Just like in life. Thurman: Right. But we came back RD: That’s a great outlook. another day, and I did one perfect Thurman: Well, at the same time, the move. And that’s in the movie. price you pay for that attitude is that you don’t get to enjoy the highs. There RD: In one very memorable scene in will be some incredibly spectacular Kill Bill: Vol. 2, you were buried alive. moment and you wish to God you Thurman: That was awful. It went on could just celebrate it. But you can’t, for weeks. Many different sets were because some other thing has just built to create different moments of ground you right down to the core. it. Part of it was shot at night on lo- cation. Part of it was shot in studio. RD: You have said, “You play, you pay,” regarding celebrities and the press. So RD: How do you psych yourself up for if you’re famous, you’re fair game? that kind of thing? Thurman: I think that you are game. Thurman: The purest relationship I There are many incredible privileges have ever had, aside from with my that go with being famous. Being beat children, is with my work. Whatever up by the media is nothing compared you give it, it gives you back double. to, say, being beat up by your union if That’s an unusual kind of relationship. you’re a coal miner. It’s thrilling to act. It’s thrilling to reach for things and risk humiliation. It’s RD: What kinds of things would you taken me a long time to learn to ac- do if you had a lot of spare time? cept the risks and just be willing to Thurman: I love, love, love to travel, to try it over and over again. explore the world, but I never can. I’d like to see more theater, go to more RD: You once said you don’t take risks, shows. I’d try to get my French back. that risks take you. My list is literally as long as my leg. Thurman: Life sweeps you up. Some people resist a lot. I probably haven’t RD: Which is very, very long. resisted very much. Thurman: Uh-huh. And it’s written in small print. ■ RD: You’ve been at this for 20 years. Listen to more of the interview with Do you ever get tired of it? Uma Thurman at rd.com/uma. 135 Mark and Karen Cissel were already down on their luck. That’s when their troubles really started. CHEATED OUT OF HOUSE AND HOME Don’t let these scams happen to you BY MAX ALEXANDER

Mark and karen cissel were afraid of very different legal documents— they were going to lose their Wheaton, this time listing them as tenants in the Maryland, home after Karen lost her home they thought they still owned. job. The couple missed four or five The “landlord” was Vincent Abell, mortgage payments in late 2003, and the leader of the real estate scheme, their bank had started foreclosure says the complaint, and he was seek- proceedings, a legal process that is ing to evict the Cissels and their three public to anyone who cares to look up children for nonpayment of rent. The the records. Cissels are suing Abell and others, Soon, according to a civil complaint, claiming the documents were forged, two employees from Fresh Start Solu- but a resolution could be a year away. tions, a Baltimore-based mortgage “We were devastated,” says Karen. company, contacted the Cissels: They “We had over $80,000 equity in the offered to help refinance their home, house, and this guy took it away.” settle the back payments and even throw in a $5,000 bonus check. “They PROFILE OF AN EPIDEMIC seemed very nice,” says Karen. The term mortgage fraud encom- The Cissels signed all of the docu- passes a grab bag of cons and tricks, ments, and the men promised they’d perpetrated on victims ranging from mail their copies to them later. The average homeowners to novice real Cissels never got those copies. In- estate investors to savvy bankers and stead, they allegedly received a batch the banks they represent. It is, accord-

PHOTOGRAPHED BY CHRIS HARTLOVE 137 RD I JULY 2006 ing to FBI Special Agent Ronda Heilig, as the paperwork seems in order, it’s “one of the fastest-growing white- hard to notice the bad apples. collar crimes in the United States.” Inundated Loan Officers Mort- The scams are often complicated, gage applications have surged in re- but in essence, mortgage fraud in- cent years, forcing lending institutions volves deception to obtain either real to hire hordes of new loan officers to estate loan money or the real estate handle the workload. Consumer ad- itself, which is then typically sold vocates charge that some lenders have quickly, or “flipped,” at substantial cut corners on due diligence to has- profit. Often the con artists are mort- ten approvals. gage brokers, with title companies and appraisers in on the scam. HOW DOES IT WORK? Crooked real estate deals have In a typical scenario, a scammer— forced homeowners into bankruptcy let’s call him Joe—assumes a false or and foreclosure. And lenders have lost stolen identity to buy a $100,000 prop- billions, costs they pass on to law- erty. He puts 20 percent down and as- abiding customers. A study estimated sumes an $80,000 mortgage. Joe then that mortgage fraud in Utah accounts forges documents to make it look as for a quarter-point increase in mort- though he’s taken out a building loan gage rates across the board. for $50,000 to make renovations. Next, his appraiser, also a crook, values the SCAMS MADE EASY property at $200,000, pointing to Mortgage fraud has been around as “comparable” sales in a nicer neigh- long as home loans, but recent trends borhood just up the road. Now Joe can have made it easier—and far more use the home as collateral for a lucrative—to game the system. Here’s $150,000 consolidation loan; he pays what’s driving the crime spree: off the original $80,000 mortgage, Money Inflated housing prices are keeps the remaining $70,000 and skips luring the bad guys. town—defaulting on the loan and Technological Advances Inexpen- abandoning the house. sive scanners and color printers make Though mortgage-fraud abuses are forgery and identity theft a cinch. countless in variety, experts cite a few A Depersonalized Application basic versions: Process Time was when mortgages The Rescue You Don’t Need As were approved by a local bank officer alleged by the Cissels’ attorney in court who met with homeowners in person, papers, Vincent Abell, a convicted con applying common sense and profes- artist, and his associates were operat- sional judgment to loan decisions. ing a “foreclosure rescue” scam. (Abell Crooks stood out like a purple house. declined comment.) In rescue scams, Today, lending companies approve crooks prey on vulnerable homeown- loans using computer systems; as long ers facing foreclosure. They are usually 138 CHEATED

or lease-to-buy agreements. But the forms actually grant the crooks title to the house. (The criminals may also forge deeds to seize the title.) The scam- mers, who now own the prop- erty, sell it and pocket the original homeowners’ equity. Rescue fraud is on the rise. In Minnesota, Assistant Attor- ney General Prentiss Cox says about one-fourth of the state’s 2,500 foreclosed households every year are victimized by rescue scammers. Some offer seminars in the technique— often pitched as get-rich-quick schemes, or no-money-down Cathy Makley uncovered mortgage investment strategies. Two Nevada fraud in her Atlanta neighborhood. seminars didn’t mince words, adver- tising “everything you need to know longtime residents who have built up to rip off homeowners.” substantial home equity, but who now A Deal You Can Refuse Charlotte can’t make their mortgage payment. Hutchens, a Kansas City, Missouri, “People facing foreclosure are des- widow, and her daughter, Jamie, perate for any way to avoid being wanted to earn extra income to sup- kicked out of their home,” says Manuel plement Charlotte’s Social Security Duran, a Los Angeles attorney who payments and Jamie’s modest salary has represented 25 rescue fraud as an airport bus driver. A friend in- victims. Rescue scammers promise a troduced them to Jim Coleman, a CPA, way to avoid foreclosure and never who seemed eminently respectable: pack a moving box. Some say they’ll He handled accounting for the public help the homeowners catch up on school system and a church ministered their mortgage by refinancing. Others by his friend, Kansas City’s ex-mayor. offer to pay off the mortgage and take According to a federal indictment, possession of the house until the orig- Coleman told the women they could inal owners can buy it back. But those make money investing in low-income, promises are a house of cards. government-subsidized Section 8 The scammers convince the desper- properties. For a small fee, he would ate homeowners to sign documents manage and maintain the properties; that look like refinancing applications the rent checks would cover the

PHOTOGRAPHED BY IMKE LASS 139 RD I JULY 2006 monthly mortgage payments plus a Hutchenses had apparently bought small profit. Rent was dependable, he the properties at inflated prices that said, because the government provided were based on fraudulent appraisals. the approved tenants and covered She showed the women their mort- most of the rent. gage applications. They were shocked Without advice of counsel (Mis- to see documents that blatantly mis- souri law doesn’t require it), Charlotte represented their finances. Charlotte and Jamie bought 11 properties—all recalled signing mortgage papers with with no money down—totaling over a number of blanks; according to the $770,000 in loans. Their mortgage pay- indictment, Coleman and his accom- ments at their peak were about plice had falsified those documents, $10,000 a month. as well as W-2 forms, and profited to But the properties soon began fail- the tune of $178,000. ing inspections, which meant they One by one, the homes went into could no longer be rented to Section 8 foreclosure. “I can’t even begin to de- recipients. For a while, Coleman con- scribe the emotions, the stress,” says vinced the women that the city’s nit- Jamie. “The mortgage companies were picking inspectors were to blame. calling us six or eight times a day try- Then the Hutchenses got a call from ing to collect.” FBI Agent Julia Jensen, who was inves- Most of the properties were sold tigating a mortgage-fraud ring in on the courthouse steps for much Kansas City. Jensen explained that the less than the value of the mortgages. AVOID BEING SCAMMED When buying or selling like bankrate.com. At the closing Know the area’s average Review the ownership Don’t sign a blank home prices. Don’t just history. If a home’s been document, or one with read the listings. Drive bought and sold frequently blank spaces. If something around; look at properties; in the last few years, be doesn’t apply, it should attend open houses. suspicious. Even if it hasn’t be marked “N/A.” Hire a licensed home been targeted by scam- Make sure the name on inspector. Avoid anyone mers, there might be your paperwork matches affiliated with your Real- something wrong with it. the name on your ID. tor or mortgage broker. Steer clear of mortgage Don’t sign a document Go to nahi.org (National brokers or Realtors who until you’ve read and Association of Home try to persuade you to understood it. Inspectors) for leads. fudge your loan applica- Never sign away the Compare lenders’ mort- tion. And be wary of unso- deed to your property gage costs. Check with licited contacts and high- without consulting a local banks and websites pressure sales tactics. lawyer. 140 CHEATED

Once victims, Ann Fulmer (left) and Alicia Sheppard (below) helped arrest more than 150 mortgage-fraud crooks.

As a result, the mortgage compa- nies may file suit against the women to recoup the difference. The pair sued Coleman in civil court and, on the advice of an attor- ney, reached an out-of-court set- tlement for $25,000; Coleman pays them $500 a month. Though indicted in criminal court Fed up, Makley and her neighbors in April 2006, Coleman denies any organized a homeowners’ meeting in culpability. Says Charlotte, “My hus- May 2004. The night before, she re- band worked forty years to save for ceived an anonymous phone call; the retirement, and now I’m on the verge caller explained mortgage fraudsters of bankruptcy. It makes me angry that had targeted Wolf Creek. “I didn’t I let myself be duped.” know what mortgage fraud was,” she Your Neighborhood Goes Bust says. “But as the caller explained it to Cathy Makley and her family were de- me, I started to feel nauseated.” lighted with a new home they bought Makley checked the sale prices of in 2003 in the Wolf Creek develop- the 30 or so homes in question. Each ment, a middle-class suburb near At- had sold for far more than her own— lanta. But Makley soon noticed that in some cases as much as $100,000 something strange was happening. more. “I started to understand why For-sale signs came and went, but the our property tax valuations had shot homes remained vacant or occupied up even as our neighborhood had de- by a series of unfriendly transients. teriorated,” she says.

PHOTOGRAPHED BY IMKE LASS 141 RD I JULY 2006

The scam was simple: Home sell- mer and her neighbor Alicia Shep- ers would get a visit from a “real es- pard, former mortgage-fraud victims tate broker.” He’d tell them he had a and co-founders of GREFPAC, the buyer ready to pay more than their Georgia Real Estate Fraud Prevention asking price, on the condition that & Awareness Coalition (grefpac.org). they return the extra money at the They have helped arrest more than closing. 150 mortgage-fraud perpetrators. The inflated sales prices pumped Fulmer worked with Makley to com- up the “comps” throughout Wolf pile evidence against the Wolf Creek Creek. This created a snowball effect con artists. In June 2005, state and local that allowed scammers to borrow authorities stormed 14 houses in Wolf more than $300,000 on houses worth Creek and arrested two men, Anthony little more than $200,000. The crooks Flood and Hardy Chukwu, on rack- fled with the profits, and the bank fore- eteering charges. Both deny any guilt, closed on the abandoned properties. but indictments are pending. The grass-roots antifraud effort is FIGHTING BACK gaining momentum, notching victo- Victims usually have little legal re- ries around the country and persuad- course. States have limited resources ing lawmakers and law-enforcement to prosecute complicated, white- agencies to join the fight. GREFPAC led collar crime that is hard to prove. the battle for Georgia’s anti-mortgage- Many cases are too small for the FBI fraud law. With that law’s passage in but too intricate and costly to be worth May 2005, the state became the first to a private lawyer’s time. “One of the make any misrepresentation on a worst things as a law enforcement of- mortgage application a prosecutable ficial,” says Jensen of the FBI, “is to sit crime. Congress is considering a fed- in people’s homes and see that they’re eral anti-mortgage-fraud measure. definitely the victims of fraud and tell Advocates applaud those steps, but them that the odds of the bad guy say much more needs to be done. “And being held accountable are slim.” it’s going to take everybody,” says Ful- Cathy Makley was shocked by law mer, “from lenders to law enforcement enforcement’s ho-hum response to the to consumers, doing everything they fraud that was ruining her neighbor- can to attack this problem. There’s no hood. So she and two neighbors in- magic bullet, but we’re moving in the vestigated the scam on their own. right direction.” Their search led to attorney Ann Ful- Additional reporting by NATE HARDCASTLE

AND WHO DID YOU SAY YOU WERE?

The great thing about family life is that it introduces you to people you would otherwise never meet. CHRISTOPHER HITCHENS in The Guardian 142 Stray From the HEART Jordie the cat came into our lives at just the right time I BY ALANNA NASH

There are moments in life when you but before going in the shop, crouched realize, without a doubt, that some- down to look at something. Next thing one, somewhere, has a master plan. I you know, she was standing by my was reminded of that recently by driver’s-side open window and had Jordie, a cat, formerly my cat. dropped a squirming blur of fur onto In November 2004, while headed my lap. with a friend to Nashville, I pulled off It was a kitten, solid white, with I-65 to get a Coke in the tiny town of gray-black eyes and a pink nose. She Munfordville, Kentucky. My friend, was irresistible, but she wasn’t mine. who has an eye for collectibles, spot- I opened the car door. “Okay, out,” I ted an old general store on the way said in a loud voice. She didn’t budge. back to the freeway. She hopped out, “Shoo!” I said, louder. No deal. Finally,

PHOTOGRAPHED BY TAMARA REYNOLDS 143 RD I JULY 2006

I picked her up and put her on the Frankenstein. Then it hit me. I didn’t ground, at which point she meandered really want a cat. I travel too much. under my car and sat just behind the All my furniture is leather. I didn’t left rear tire. want hair all over my clothes. But my I scooped her up and took her into mother, who is getting along in years, the store, where I figured she be- could certainly use a pet. Her beloved longed. I put her down and, in a flash, cat of 16 years had died the previous realized I’d made a terrible mistake. Christmas. She grieved so on the day The kitten was not the shop cat, but a he was laid in the frozen earth that I big, angry tom was, and it immedi- feared my father and I would have to ately cornered the intruder with high- bury them together. pitched wails of territorial rank. To my surprise, Mom refused my Suddenly the tom was on top of the offer to replace him. “I don’t want the newcomer, and the two rolled around heartache of losing another one.” It was too late when it hit me. I didn’t really want a cat. in a brutal assault. When it was over, And so Jordie, named after the shiny hunks of white fur lay on the floor, and white Jordan Almonds I used to find the kitten, mewing pitifully, was ripped in my Easter basket as a child, came to from the top of her head to her tail. live with me. He got stronger, his fur Her wounds lay open in jagged rows. grew back in, and we began an uneasy “Oh, my God,” I said. “We’ve got to alliance. Though he would fetch a rub- find a vet.” ber ball—not just roll it with his paw, At the Riverside Animal Clinic but actually bring it back to me like a down the road, country doctor Don- dog—he easily grew bored in my ald Green shook his head upon exam- condo. He’d stand at the door and cry. ining the critter we’d brought to him He clawed the furniture, broke a lamp. in a cardboard box. “He pretty much That summer, needing to take an skinned it alive,” he said, and my heart extended trip, I asked my parents if I sank. Would she live? I asked, to which could leave Jordie with them. My fa- Dr. Green replied, Yes, with surgery ther, an 88-year-old property appraiser to close up those wounds. But, he who’d been suffering from colon can- added, “she is all boy.” cer, was all for it, but Mom hesitated. A boy! “Okay, then,” she finally said, more When I picked up my two-month- than a little annoyed. “Bring him on.” old kitten later that week, I could When I returned, I was saddened hardly believe how pathetic he looked, to see that my hard-working dad had shaved and stitched up like a feline lost some strength in his legs, the first 144 STRAY FROM THE HEART tangible symptom of the cancer, which been married for nearly 60 years. In had spread to his bones. He was now the weeks after my father’s passing, walking with a cane, sometimes two. my mother sank into an inevitable de- I cringed when I watched him climb pression, refusing offers of lunch and the stairs and saw Jordie nip at his an- conversation. These days, she still kles with every step. “Pop,” I cried, doesn’t socialize much, but she is com- “he’s going to trip you!” ing around, largely because of Jordie. “No, he’s not,” my father said, a He gets her up and dressed early, and laugh in his voice. “We’ve got our lit- she goes outside to look for him when tle routine worked out. He’s fine.” I he stays out too late. The neighbors said I’d take Jordie back that evening, see her and come over to talk. And but Pop’s face grew stern. “Your she never misses taking him for his mother needs him,” he said. “He’s vet appointments, and delights in buy- good company for her. And she be- ing him gourmet cat food. lieves he’s the smartest cat that ever Nearly two years old now, Jordie has lived.” His eyes twinkled the way they grown into a handsome young adult. hadn’t since he learned about the can- His eyes have changed color to peri- cer. He looked over at Jordie. “He’s a dot green, and his snowy coat, which little prize, I think.” shows no signs of his early trauma, So Jordie changed addresses that gives him a sleek, masculine look. very night. The next evening, I stopped Mom dotes on Jordie’s every move by and found him lying on the kitchen and brags about his newest trick. table next to Pop’s cane. My father When he’s outside and wants to come stroked the top of his head with his in, she says, he stands on a bench, up index finger, then moved him to his on his hind legs, and pecks on the lap, where Jordie seemed as content as kitchen window with one paw. “He’s a clam. “Look at his eyelashes,” Pop like a little person,” she insists. “He said, “how long they are.” jumps up on my lap and kisses me, No matter how sick my father was, and says ‘Mama’ just plain as day.” he would always cuddle Jordie if he Jordie sleeps on the footstool near her wanted to be held. But who was com- bed, and Mom says she doesn’t know forting whom? what she’d do without him. Just as humans come into your life I was with pop at the hospital the night for a reason, animals often do the he died in July 2005, but I waited until same. Jordie arrived as an ambassador, dawn to drive to my parents’ house to not for me, but for my parents. tell Mom. She crumpled in my arms, He gave my father joy in his last days, then went to the kitchen. “Jordie,” I and he continues to offer emotional heard her say through wrenching sobs, comfort to my mother. Sometimes the “Papa’s never coming home again.” least expected gifts count most among My parents, both Tennesseans, had our blessings. ■ 145

SECRETS AND LIES To claim his inheritance, he’d have to reveal his true identity

BY LAWRENCE OTIS GRAHAM ADAPTED FROM “THE SENATOR AND THE SOCIALITE”

“My grandfather was no darkie!” standing life? Hadn’t he endured said the light-complexioned T. John enough pain when, years ago, he made McKee from his hospital bed as he one of the most difficult decisions a recuperated from a kidney ailment. man might ever have to make? It was spring 1948, and Theophilus Again: “Are you a Negro?” John McKee, 67, felt desperate. He’d McKee blurted out, “I will not deny practiced law on Wall Street for 40 or affirm that.” But he was thinking, years. He’d sent his two sons to Yale How can I answer honestly? and Trinity College. His best friends For 45 years McKee had, in fact, were influential people of the day— been passing as a white man. lawyers, judges. But the men in trench coats kept grilling him. “Are you a On the surface it was easy, with his Negro?” asked one of them. olive skin tone and the black hair he ‘‘McKee glanced out the second-floor kept short and straightened with a hot window of Lenox Hill Hospital in comb. What was harder was the Manhattan. Hadn’t he lived an up- heartache. In 1902, when he was 22

ILLUSTRATED BY EDEL RODRIGUEZ 147 US060711USRD 6/2/06 July 065:44 PM Page Senator/Socialite-No. 148 11 Form 3 U US060711 [MM/JK] 2nd REV FINAL U

RD I JULY 2006

1 years old, he’d had to tell his closest Douglas had been one of the few black 2 black friend from Exeter, Roscoe Civil War sergeants, a member of an 3 Bruce, son of a U.S. Senator, that he illustrious Virginia clan who had 4 could no longer associate with him. owned acres of land in Arlington (later 5 The boys had been best friends for donated to the National Cemetery). 6 five years, sharing everything, even And Abbie was the daughter of Col. 7 the humiliation of not being able to John McKee, a black Civil War hero 8 live in the same dorms as white kids. and one of America’s first black mil- 9 But fate had forced his hand, he felt. lionaires. He’d made his fortune in real TIS GRAHAM 10 In April 1902, McKee—known then as estate and in catering businesses in 11 Theophilus John Syphax, or Sie to his the 1870s and 1880s. 12 friends—lost his wealthy maternal 13 grandfather. He learned he’d inherited The colonel had drawn up a will 14 almost nothing. In an America just for an estate worth approximately

15 four decades past the Civil War— $1 million in 1902. At least half was O LAWRENCE COURTESY 16 a country where discrimination was cash; the rest was in real estate. W 17 still sanctioned—he knew he’d go no When he died in April of that year, ( 18 further than elevator operator or train $200,000-plus was earmarked for var- 19 porter, even with his college educa- Tious relatives, with Syphax receiving c 20 tion. He would be barred from shops, only a pittance. Deciding to pass for f 21 theaters, restaurants. white, Syphax had joined Trinity Col- 22 So he’d decided to live as white. lege’s all-white Delta Kappa Epsilon w 23 Now, lying in the hospital in 1948, fraternity. He began dating white girls. W 24 he knew that if he admitted his real He asked his family (who knew of his D 25 background, he’d lose everything. But decision) to stop visiting him. A tal- N 26 ah, the complications! Even at age 67, ented athlete in football, baseball, bas- C 27 McKee was afraid of being outed by ketball and track, Syphax, as white, M 28 black relatives who’d been insulted by was embraced by his teammates. i 29 his life choice. And for all his stature, After graduation, he entered Berke- s 30 McKee wasn’t wealthy. Here’s why ley Divinity School in Middletown, T 31 this mattered: McKee stood a chance Connecticut. But when a minister p 32 of inheriting the remainder of his recognized him as one of the black 33 grandfather’s million-dollar estate. Syphaxes from Philadelphia, he with- a 34 drew. In June 1904, Syphax legally h 35 Mckee’s parents, Douglas Syphax and changed his name. As the white John w 36 Abbie McKee Syphax, were from well- McKee, he applied to Columbia Uni- i 37 known black families that were versity’s law school, starting in the fall s 38 respected by people of both races. of 1905. For the next 40 years, only oc- c 39 w 40 ADAPTED FROM “THE SENATOR AND THE SOCIALITE: THE TRUE STORY OF AMERICA’S FIRST BLACK DYNASTY,” M COPYRIGHT © 2006 BY LAWRENCE OTIS GRAHAM, PUBLISHED AT $26.95 41 BY HARPERCOLLINS PUBLISHERS, INC., 10 E. 53RD ST., NEW YORK, NEW YORK 10022 e 148 COURTESY LAWRENCE OTIS GRAHAM OTIS LAWRENCE COURTESY Who was this mystery man? At Phillips Exeter Academy, 17-year-old John McKee (a.k.a. T. John Syphax) sits in the front row (circled), with fellow football players.

casionally did he meet with one of his McKee stayed in Manhattan, while four brothers in out-of-the-way spots. Anna and the two boys moved to her After law school, McKee began hometown. working as a commercial attorney on When McKee’s mother, Abbie Sy- Wall Street. He married Anna Lois phax, passed away and was buried in Dixon, a white woman from upstate Arlington National Cemetery in 1923— New York. They settled in New York a rare honor for a black then—McKee City and had two sons—T. John avoided the funeral. He also avoided McKee, Jr., and Douglas Dixon McKee, the funerals of his brothers, who all in 1910 and 1911. McKee joined the Ben- predeceased him. He carefully steered sonhurst Yacht Club, the Kings County clear of his black cousin in Philadel- Tennis Club and became men’s league phia who founded the city’s first black president at the Church of St. Mark. hospital, and his prominent relatives in Then his marriage began falling Washington and Virginia who later apart. His wife, knowing nothing of gave land to the government when his real background, noticed that he President Franklin Roosevelt wanted was unusually fastidious about groom- to expand Arlington Cemetery. McKee ing his hair. And after their second diligently clung to the white upper- son was born, he began visiting a new middle-class life he’d created. client up in Harlem, a place where few Eventually McKee remarried, again whites traveled then. (In actuality, to a white woman, Aimee Bennett. McKee was meeting one of his broth- She, too, knew nothing of his back- ers.) When the couple separated, ground. By now McKee lived in an 149 RD I JULY 2006 apartment building on Manhattan’s tials was admitting he was, in fact, the East Side. When his sons finished black child of black parents. It was a college they returned to upstate New major society news item in 1948. York to be near their mother. McKee’s wife, Aimee, was so dev- In 1946, McKee’s first cousin, Dr. astated she refused to visit him in the Henry McKee Minton, passed away. hospital. McKee’s sons also stayed That meant McKee was now the last away. His law partners and neighbors surviving grandchild of the Syphax- told the newspapers they had no idea McKee dynasty from Philadelphia. he’d been passing as white. Then came the shocker. A few months before he was hospitalized, But the court and the will’s executor, McKee learned that his grandfather’s the Philadelphia archbishop, weren’t million-dollar estate had not been satisfied with McKee’s simple admis- fully distributed. The Roman Catholic sion of heritage. They wanted proof. Archdiocese of Philadelphia ran an “People will say a lot when they want ad stating that there was a sum of that much money,” argued one of more than $800,000 available (nearly BMcKee’s black relatives. From his hos- $6.3 million today). That money would pital bed, McKee kept up the fight for go to charity unless there was a sur- his inheritance. He called on the few viving grandchild of “the great Negro black relatives he could remember. Civil War hero” Col. John McKee. They refused him. For weeks McKee struggled. Should Finally, one of his mother’s cousins, he stay silent and turn his back on his Camille Johnson of Philadelphia, came inheritance? Or should he come for- forward. She acknowledged that, yes, ward? Doing that, of course, would she remembered him when he was a mean admitting he’d been living a lie. black student in Philadelphia and at Finally, McKee decided. Few peo- Exeter. McKee also convinced a white ple knew the emotional burdens he’d Trinity classmate to support his state- been carrying for so long. His first ment that he’d changed his name from wife had left him. His sons seemed Syphax to McKee after leaving Trinity. uncomfortable around him. His only The court decree in support of the remaining connection with them was name change was also submitted. the money he sent. Now money—and The court appointed a commission, the truth—was dangling over him. which interviewed witnesses who knew both the “black Syphax” and the “So are you, in fact, a Negro?” asked “white McKee.” It was John Syphax- the investigator from the Orphans’ McKee’s longtime white friend Edgar Court of Philadelphia as he stood in Dibble (a fraternity brother), and his McKee’s hospital room. The story black cousin Camille Johnson, who soon broke. A successful white Wall helped prove kinship. At the hearing, Street lawyer with prestigious creden- Johnson said that McKee had stopped 150 SECRETS AND LIES communicating with her and with $800,000 estate, McKee’s health took another cousin, Henry McKee Minton, a turn for the worse. That summer, while at Trinity. Dibble admitted he McKee learned he would likely not and others were uncertain of McKee’s live very long. On August 4, 1948, he race as a college freshman, but as- died of heart failure. sumed he was white. There was no funeral. McKee was As reported on March 25, 1948, in cremated. the New York Post, the commission For the next several years, black rel- told McKee it “established beyond a atives battled with McKee’s white wife shadow of a doubt” that although he and two white sons. Ultimately, the had been accepted as a white man for money was awarded to the Catholic 45 years, he was indeed the Negro Archdiocese of Philadelphia. Since grandson of the Negro Civil War vet- 1956, the fortune has been used to eran Col. John McKee. grant college and vocational scholar- ships to Philadelphia-area boys of all Syphax-mckee relatives in Philadel- races who have no living father. In phia and Washington registered their April 2006, the program gave out its objections and their beliefs that they scholarship for the 50th year. Its name? were more deserving of the fortune. The John McKee Scholarship Fund. At least a dozen schools and charities It’s not named for the John McKee asked to share in the estate. McKee who lived as a white man for 45 years. hoped it would be only a few months Instead, the fund is before he’d finally claim his grandfa- named in honor of ther’s wealth, so he made no attempt his grandfather, the to reach out to anyone. Still recover- John McKee who ing from his kidney ailment, he qui- was a black Civil etly celebrated his victory. War hero. Then came the final twist. As the To buy a copy of The Senator and the court approached resolution of the Socialite, go to rd.com/senator.

DON’T WORRY, I’M IN CONTROL

Before he left on a business trip, my brother-in-law Lex took his young son Cameron aside. “Cam,” he said, “I’m trusting you to take care of the family. You’ll be the man of the house.” Comprehending the gravity of the situ- ation, Cameron said, “In that case, I’m going to need the remote.” AMY CANTERBERRY 151 ® LAUGHTER, THE BEST MEDICINE

If a golfer gets hurt and can’t play, is his re- placement called a desig- nated driver? GREGG SIEGEL Quack Me Up Funny A rabbit and a duck went out to dinner. Who paid? The duck—he had the bill. Funnier A duck walks into a bar. “We don’t serve ducks, here,” says the bartender. Why is Cinderella bad at sports? “That’s okay. I Because she has a pumpkin for a coach, and she runs away from the ball. Submitted by SEAN MCELWEE just want a drink.”

ost in the desert for at his feet seconds later. Funniest Lthree days, a man “I don’t know why What’s the differ- suddenly hears, “Mush!” you’re here, but thank ence between a Looking up, he sees goodness,” the man says. duck with one what he thinks is a “I’ve been lost for days.” mirage: an Eskimo on a Panting, the Eskimo wing and a duck sled, driving a team of replies, “You think with two wings? huskies. To his surprise, you’re lost?” Why, that’s a the sled comes to a stop Submitted by ROBERT LUTZ difference of a I used to drive an eclipse. I think it was a nice car, pinion. but I couldn’t look directly at it. BUZZ NUTLEY

152 ILLUSTRATION BY DAN REYNOLDS he gunslinger swag- Alabama state troopers were closing in on Tgered into the sa- a speeding car when it crossed into Georgia. Sud- loon. He looked to his denly the officer behind the wheel slowed to a stop. left. “Everybody on that “What are you doing?” his partner asked. “We side of the room is a lily- almost had him!” livered, yellow-bellied “He just crossed over into the Eastern Standard coward,” he shouted. Time zone,” he said. “Now he’s a full hour ahead He looked to his right. of us.” Submitted by SCOTTIE BARRON “Everybody on this side is a flabby, dimwitted “A hamburger and fries,” a man orders. saddle tramp.” No one “Me too,” says the ostrich sitting beside him. dared challenge him. “That’s $9.40,” the waitress says. The man reaches Satisfied, he was into his pocket and hands her the exact change. ordering his drink at the They return the next day. Both order a steak and bar when he heard potato, and again the man pays with exact change. the sound of hurried “How do you do that?” the waitress asks. footsteps. “A genie granted me two wishes,” explains the “Where do you think man. “My first was that I’d always have the right you’re going?” he yelled amount of money to pay for anything.” at the little guy who’d “Brilliant! But what’s with the ostrich?” stopped in his tracks. “My second wish was for an exotic chick with long “Sorry,” the man said. legs who agrees with everything I say.” “I was on the wrong side Submitted by EDWARD M. JEAN of the room.” Submitted by GEORGE MORRIS Finish This Joke A woman is in an upscale pet-supply store, searching he korean scientist T for the perfect red sweater for her dog. who admitted to faking “Why don’t you bring him in so you can get the his cloning-research right fit?” the clerk suggests. results is now saying “I can’t do that!” the woman says … that it wasn’t his fault. He blames his evil twin. Don’t leave us hanging—what did she say? JAY LENO on E-mail your funniest original punch line to us at The Tonight Show (NBC) [email protected], subject: July, and if it’s the best (and the first of its kind), you’ll win fame and riches. Looking for more Well, not really, but you’ll get a cool $100. laughs? XM Satellite Radio’s Laugh USA chan- So what did the cop have to say to his stomach? nel features clean comedy May’s winning punch line is from A.J. Giordano of 24/7—all screened for family Riverview, Florida: Nothing. He’s always been one to listening. Wanna hear? Tune listen to his gut. in to xmradio.com. 153 NoPain, How to keep your aching back or NoPills trick knee from ruining your life

ADAPTED FROM “MAYO CLINIC ON CHRONIC PAIN,” SECOND EDITION

hen Darcie Voigt ried about becoming dependent on was 6 years old, a them.” So in January 2000, when she lawn mower acci- was 23, doctors tried a different type dent took all the of injection, meant to destroy the toes on her left nerves that caused her discomfort. But foot, along with it backfired. She hurt worse than ever. Wthe fatty cushion on the bottom of the Millions of Americans live with forefoot, which normally acts as a chronic pain. And while some are shock absorber. The young girl from helped with medication and other Mantorville, Minnesota, learned to treatments, many continue to suffer. walk again—but pain was a constant Doctors told Voigt that her pain presence in her life. wouldn’t go away and she must learn By her early 20s, Voigt noted that how to control it. “I was shocked, and the damaged nerves in her foot hurt all very angry. I didn’t understand why the time, even while she slept. Injec- they couldn’t fix a simple pain from tions of anesthetics and corticoster- an amputation.” Later that year, she oids numbed the pain temporarily, so signed up for a pain rehabilitation pro- she tried other medications, includ- gram at Mayo Clinic in Rochester, ing opioids, but she wasn’t satisfied Minnesota. “Right away they said they with the effects. “The drugs brought weren’t going to give me a drug to the pain down from the over-the-top, make it go away, but they would teach pulling-your-hair-out level, but they me how to manage the chronic pain.” made me feel cloudy, and I was wor- And they did. She learned to con-

PHOTO-ILLUSTRATION BY ANN ELLIOTT CUTTING 155 RD I JULY 2006 trol her pain by using only drug she takes is stress reduction, time Tylenol. “I realized that management and bio- the pain wasn’t going to feedback. She identified go away, so I’ve figured traits, such as her perfec- out what I need to do to tionism, that made her make my life as full as I condition more difficult can. It’s about listening to to handle. how my body reacts and She learned the impor- slowing myself down.” tance of a healthy diet for Now 29 years old, she’s

increasing energy, and married and an avid CLINIC OF MAYO COURTESY she began using biofeed- Today, Darcie Voigt has rodeo competitor. back and breathing exer- her pain under control. Changing her reac- cises to reduce stress. It’s tions to stress helped had a huge effect: “I used to clench my Voigt conquer her pain. It could work jaw a lot, and I could feel the tension for you too. Here, more natural ways throughout my body. Now I close my you can get some much-needed relief. eyes, concentrate on relaxing my mus- cles, and breathe in and out deeply.” A Sharp Approach Voigt does this often, at least four to six Acupuncture is one of the most times an hour, every day. studied unconventional medical prac- Before, Voigt rated her pain as a 10 tices, and it’s gaining acceptance in on a 1-10 scale. These days, it’s a 4. The Western medicine for treatment of

ADAPTED FROM “MAYO CLINIC ON CHRONIC PAIN,” SECOND EDITION, COPYRIGHT © 2002 MAYO FOUNDATION FOR MEDICAL EDUCATION AND RESEARCH, PUBLISHED BY MAYO CLINIC HEALTH INFORMATION. ADDITIONAL MATERIAL FROM MAYOCLINIC.COM. Can Food Ease the Ache? ilk and cookies, chicken noodle how food helps relieve discomfort. “But I soup, mashed potatoes with do believe that as an adjunct to tradi- Mgravy—they’re called comfort tional therapies, there are some possibil- foods because they make you feel better, ities.” Some promising edible antidotes: at least emotionally. But can food really Cherries Anthocyanins, which give tart ease pain? Researchers are chewing on cherries their deep red color, have anti- the subject, and their findings may inflammatory properties similar to those someday make for a tasty prescription. in aspirin, says Muraleedharan Nair, PhD, “We’re not at the point where you’re a food-safety researcher at Michigan going to go into a physician’s office and State University. The benefit hasn’t yet be prescribed tofu for your pain,” says been studied in humans, so we don’t Jill Tall, PhD, a professor at Youngstown know the optimal doses, but barring any State University in Ohio, who has studied health problems, such as diabetes or NO PAIN, NO PILLS some conditions. Researchers at the flexibility, you’ll find that joints ex- National Institutes of Health (NIH) tending through their full range of mo- say there is evidence the practice tion are less likely to be plagued with helps relieve postoperative dental pain aches and pains. Plus, you’ll have more and it’s also useful in treating nausea energy, sleep better and decrease your after surgery and chemotherapy. In risk of high blood pressure, diabetes addition, acupuncture may help with and stroke. stroke rehabilitation, headache, ad- diction, menstrual cramps, tennis High-Tech Relaxation elbow, myofascial pain, osteoarthri- During a biofeedback session, a tis, low-back pain, carpal tunnel syn- therapist applies electrodes and other drome and asthma. sensors to various parts of your body. The sensors are hooked up to devices Move a Muscle that monitor and give you feedback Exercise is key when it comes to on body functions, including muscle easing pain. Why? It prompts your tension, brain-wave activity, respira- body to release endorphins, which tion, heart rate, blood pressure and block pain signals from reaching your temperature. Once the electrodes are brain. These feel-good chemicals also in place, the therapist uses relaxation help alleviate depression and anxiety, techniques to calm you, reducing mus- both of which make chronic pain more cle tension and slowing your heart difficult to control. Regular exercise rate and breathing. You then learn promotes weight loss, which in turn how to produce these changes your- can relieve pain by reducing stress on self, outside the clinical setting. The your joints. Similarly, as you improve goal? To help you enter a relaxed state acid indigestion, why not pick a few Medicine. Caveat: You’d have to eat a berries this summer? (Raspberries and, ridiculous amount of edamame to reach to a lesser extent, strawberries also con- 40 grams a day, so try adding soy protein tain pain-fighting anthocyanins.) powder to shakes. Soy It may help relieve some osteo- Sugar The sweet stuff can reduce the arthritis pain. In a study of 135 men and perception of pain, especially in children. women, those who took 40 grams of soy Studies show when we consume sugar— protein a day for three months improved sucrose, better known as table sugar, in their range of motion and reported fewer particular—we hurt less. It seems to aches. Men saw the most benefit. It’s still enhance our body’s natural pain-relief not clear exactly how soy helps, but the system. But we all know the unhealthy isoflavones are thought to have anti- effects of too much sugar, including an inflammatory effects, says Srinivasa N. expanding waistline, so make sure you Raja, MD, a pain-management specialist don’t overindulge with this tasty at Johns Hopkins University School of sweetener. PATRICIA CURTIS 157 RD I JULY 2006 in which you can better cope with pain. It seems to be most effective for Retrain Your Brain tension headaches, migraines and pain It’s been around forever, but re- related to muscle tension. cently hypnosis has seen a resurgence among physicians, psychologists and A Better Back other mental-health professionals. We Chiropractic care is one of the most don’t know exactly how it works, but common complementary therapies in experts believe hypnosis alters your this country. Today, chiropractors brain-wave patterns in much the same often work with medical doctors as way other relaxation techniques do. part of the treatment team. Though A review of studies supported the they can’t prescribe drugs or perform value of hypnosis for treating surgery, they may use some standard cancer pain and nausea, and NIH re- medical procedures. And their serv- searchers agree that hypnosis can help ices are increasingly being covered by with other conditions—such as irri- insurance. Studies indicate that spinal table bowel syndrome and tension manipulation can effectively treat un- headaches—that can lead to pain. complicated low-back pain, especially if the pain has been present for less Lessen the Stress than a month. Some practitioners say As Voigt learned, reducing stress, chiropractic manipulation can treat however you do it, can make a huge disease other than musculoskeletal difference in relieving physical dis- problems; however, more research is comfort. Try massage, meditation, needed to support this. yoga or whatever works for you. Deep Before You Try It ... These approaches appear Ask for credentials middle course between to reduce pain safely. But Look to professional uncritical acceptance of many alternative practices associations, such as the alternative approaches haven’t been adequately American Academy of and outright rejection. Be studied. What to consider Medical Acupuncture, for open to treatments, but before trying any potential the names of licensed evaluate them carefully. pain relievers: practitioners in your area. Mix it up Use alternative Do your research To Consider the cost Many treatments to relieve some keep up with the latest alternative approaches symptoms, but don’t give treatments online, stick to aren’t covered by insur- up on conventional medi- websites of reputable ance. Find out exactly how cine. And don’t forget to medical centers, national much treatment will cost tell your doctor about all organizations, universities before you start. the treatments you get. or government agencies. Open your mind Steer a MAYO CLINIC 158 breathing from your di- Virtual Relief aphragm, as opposed to your It’s easy to tune out the rest of the world when you’re playing a video game. Now researchers chest, is a do-anywhere de- are discovering that entering such an intense stressor. Try to do it for 20 play zone is an effective way to cope with pain. minutes every day. To prac- In a study at Wheeling Jesuit University in tice, lie down or sit comfort- West Virginia, 27 people played video games for ably with your feet flat on ten minutes, each keeping one hand and forearm the floor. Rest one hand on in a container of freezing water. Those playing your abdomen, one on your sports and fighting games kept their hands sub- chest. Inhale through your merged for a minute and a half longer than those nose while pushing your ab- playing puzzle and arcade games. domen out. Slowly exhale How does it help? It’s all about distraction, says through your nose while study author Bryan Raudenbush, PhD, a profes- gently relaxing your ab- sor of psychology. “The games distract you from domen. (If you can’t breathe the pain. Your brain focuses more attention on through your nose, do it the video game, and less on the pain.” And sports through your mouth.) Make and fighting games are especially beneficial, since they require a greater level of concentration each breath a wavelike mo- than slower-paced challenges. CYNTHIA DERMODY tion. And if your mind wan- ders, bring your attention back to relaxation. feel and what you need. Be creative, and willing to make changes (buy a The Sex Solution new mattress or bed if pain has forced When pain invades your life, you you to sleep apart, and explore new can still have a healthy sexual relation- ways to express your sexuality). ship. It begins with communication, Do people who walk on hot coals so talk to your partner about how you really feel no pain? Find out at rd.com/nopills.

PASS THE NO-DOZ

Recently, our pastor fell asleep at the wheel and awoke just as he sideswiped a guardrail. When he got home, his wife peppered him with questions, trying to figure out what had happened. “Were you sleepy when you started to drive?” she asked. “No,” he answered. “Then how did you fall asleep?” “I’m not sure,” he said. “There I was, going over my sermon …” MARGARET MCGLAUN 159 Ben and John Silverwood, using his new bionic leg, hike near their Encinitas, California, home.

162 CREDIT GOES HERE BONUS READ

A family’s dream trip turns into a nightmare

BY KENNETH MILLER

PHOTOGRAPHED BY TIM TADDER n French Polynesia, winter runs from May through October; the days are balmy, but night falls as abruptly as a trap. Just before 7 p.m. on June 25, 2005, a sailing vessel sliced through the westernmost wa- ters of the archipelago, beneath a black and moonless sky. The Emerald Jane had left Raiatea the day before; she was headed for Tonga, 1,400 nautical miles away, guided by autopilot. The 55-foot catamaran was sleek and elegant, with five cabins tucked into twin hulls and a spa- cious living area suspended in between. In the cockpit, 16-year-old Ben Silverwood was finishing his watch. In the salon, his younger sib- lings—Amelia, 14, Jack, 9, and Camille, 5—had just popped Drop Dead Gorgeous into the DVD player. The children’s parents, John, 53, and Jean, I46, lounged in their stateroom, discussing the next day’s travel plans. Then they heard it: an insistent scraping, like fingernails along the bot- tom of a cardboard box. The Emerald Jane had carried the family halfway around the world, on a journey that John, a San Diego real estate devel- oper, had dreamed of for two decades. The Silverwoods were well-versed in their craft’s vocabulary of creaks, pings and groans. But this was some- thing different. It was the sound of disaster. John and Jean were already sprinting up the three steps to the cockpit when Ben cried, “Reef!” An instant later, the hulls rammed into the coral. As water poured through a gash in the starboard bow, house-size waves began crashing down on the pinioned boat. John jammed the engines into reverse, to no avail. He ran to the foredeck, where Ben was trying to loosen the Genoa sail, which was driving the craft farther onto the reef. Ben threw his father a knife so John could slash through the canvas. At that moment, a wave slammed into the Emerald Jane’s 14-foot dinghy, ripping it from its stainless-steel hooks and sweeping it away. The family had practiced emergency procedures, but the emergency they’d imagined was a storm; running aground had seemed unthinkable. Now the unthinkable was upon them. In the salon, Camille and Jack were sobbing. As their older sister strove to comfort them, Jack kept screaming, “I don’t want to die!” Jean tried the satellite phone but couldn’t get a signal; her hands were shaking so badly that she dropped it on the flooded floor. John grabbed the main radio. “Mayday, Mayday, Mayday,” he shouted. “This is the Emerald Jane. We are sinking.” Ben called out more Maydays over the shorter-range VHF rig. 164 The Emerald Jane took the family to French Polynesia in August 2004. At left, Jean takes the wheel as the kids dine in the cockpit.

Finally, John threw the switch on the EPIRB (emer- gency position-indicating radio beacon)—a device resembling a milk-shake cup, with an antenna for a straw, which is designed to alert emergency crews by bouncing a radio beam off a satellite. The beacon can be picked up only by U.S. facilities, however, and none was near enough to help. The closest search-and-rescue team operated from a French naval base in Papeete, Tahiti, 310 miles away. They weren’t responding. John and Ben raced back to the foredeck and pulled the cord on the in-

COURTESY SILVERWOOD FAMILY SILVERWOOD COURTESY flatable life raft. Then they faced a dilemma: If they threw the raft over the side, it might be shredded by the sharp coral. Instead, they decided to lash it to the deck and wait until they had no other option. Before they finished, the lights shorted out. Ben took a couple of glow sticks that he’d snatched from the supply cabinet, and they went to check on the family. The salon was knee-deep in water. As Jean and Amelia carried the younger children out to the cockpit, John and Ben headed back toward the raft. By then, both bows were breaking off, and as John reached the foredeck, 165 RD BONUS READ I JULY 2006 the 79-foot mast gave way. Suddenly, he was lying on his back beneath more than a ton of aluminum. A thunderbolt of pain shot up his left leg. When he struggled to a sitting position and peered over the mast, he saw that a metal fitting called a spreader had chopped through his shin like a cleaver; his lower leg was dangling by a tendon. It’s gone, he thought, and lay back down. He was pinned to the deck of a disintegrating boat. He could not help his family. If he didn’t drown first, he knew, his wound would surely kill him.

John Silverwood was a ninth-grader in suburban Philadelphia when a schoolmate’s family took him sailing for the first time. He never recovered. One of four sons of an industrial engineer, John was a smart, headstrong and restless boy, and the sport fulfilled his deepest cravings—for freedom, for independence, for physical and mental challenges. In college at Colgate, he took two years off to sail a battered yawl from Marblehead, Massachusetts, to the Caribbean and back. After graduating, he worked construction; he spent his spare time assembling a trimaran in a barn, then piloted it to the Bahamas. Hired as a project manager for a builder in St. Thomas, he cruised the Virgin Islands in the 30-foot Dufour Arpège. Along the way he met Jean, a striking blonde from Pleasantville, New York, who was crewing in St. Croix. Like John, she’d grown up in a big, up- wardly mobile Catholic family, where hard work and strenuous fun were equally prized. She’d spent summers camping in the Adirondacks and sail- ing in the waters off the Hamptons. She was earthy and unpretentious; her wry reserve made a nice foil for John’s excitability. They married in 1986 at a yacht club on Long Island. The couple settled in San Diego, where John joined a real estate devel- opment firm owned by his younger brothers. He set his sights on an ambi- tious goal: to start a family, save his money and—someday—spend a year or so at sea with the people he loved most. Jean embraced the dream but insisted that they first attend to practicalities. Early on, there was too little cash; then new babies kept arriving. But John eventually started his own business, and as he entered his 50s, the timing seemed right. The housing boom had made him wealthy. Ben would soon be in high school, and if they waited too long, he’d be tied down with college applications. “It’s now or never,” John told his wife. In February 2003, they found their dream boat in Miami: the Emerald 166 RD BONUS READ I JULY 2006

Wave, a French-built Lagoon 55, offered by its owner at a modest $400,000 (comparable models cost $1 million when new). The catamaran seemed ideal in terms of safety as well as comfort. Unlike a single-hulled vessel, it would sail flat and smooth under most conditions; it would be tough to capsize even in the fiercest storm. Its hulls were made of Kevlar, the mate- rial used in bulletproof vests. It had a bathroom for each cabin, there was a gourmet kitchen, and the dining table seated eight. The couple rechristened the boat the Emerald Jane after Jean’s late mother. Then John began retrofitting it to make it even safer. He installed child- proof netting around the perimeter. He bought a top-of-the-line life raft. He stuffed a cupboard with splints, syringes and medications. And at Jean’s urging, he bought a state-of-the-art EPIRB, capable of broadcasting a vessel’s position to within 300 feet. That July, John sailed the Emerald Jane from Florida to Long Island. The family flew out to meet him, and spent a month near Jean’s sister in Mamaroneck, New York, getting used to life on-board. In September, they headed down the coast, spending a month each moored in Baltimore, Maryland, and Norfolk, Virginia. John and Jean were looking for more out of the trip than an extended va- cation. They wanted to get to know their children in a way few modern parents ever do. They wanted to escape the routines of affluent suburbia: Dad’s long workdays; Mom’s shuffle between supermarket and tennis club and carpool; the kids’ round of school, sports, lessons and play dates; the Saturdays at the mall. They wanted everyone to spend less time focused on video screens—“to be immersed in nature,” as John put it, “instead of vir- tual reality.” The younger kids quickly adjusted to life on the catamaran. For the teenagers, though, the transition was harder. Both missed their social life. Amelia, a serious dancer, pined for her ballet classes. Ben—a big-boned, athletic boy who hoped one day to become a military officer—had inher- ited his father’s lust for freedom and hard challenges, but this outing seemed to offer little of either. His idea of excitement was a Boy Scout survival trek in New Mexico, where he once hauled an 85-pound pack up 10,000-foot peaks. He yearned for his surf team competitions, paintball matches and Xbox tournaments. Jean had enrolled Jack and Amelia in a homeschooling program run by 168 SHIPWRECKED

the San Diego school system, and Ben in a private program for high school students. Even preschooler Camille had lessons. Every weekday, the pupils were at their desks from 8 a.m. to noon, doing work that was supervised via e-mail by teachers hundreds of miles away. After that, their activities might consist of chores, meals and a James Bond DVD. “I’m bored” was a frequent refrain, especially during days at sea or in a nondescript port. Sometimes the surfeit of togetherness set everyone to squabbling. As the weeks passed, however, the kids flourished. Helping out with nau- tical tasks—docking the boat, keeping the log, manning the radios—they de- veloped a growing sense of teamwork. Amelia became an expert baker, Jack a budding marine biologist, eager to identify every creature he saw. Ben read more books than he’d ever thought possible. Their solitude was eased by encounters with peers on other boats, and by occasional visits from rel- atives and old friends. And from Bermuda onward, the adventures came thick and fast. The They surfed Tahiti’s waves, took in native dance, swam with an octopus. Silverwoods snorkeled each morning before breakfast, amid bright bliz- zards of tropical fish. At night, John lay on the deck with the kids and showed them the constellations. The family took scuba-diving lessons in St. Thomas. They sailed through the Panama Canal. In Ecuador, they explored Inca ruins and trekked through Andean villages where guinea pigs were a sta- ple food. In the Galápagos, they frolicked with giant tortoises and rode horseback up a volcano. Eventually, they braved the 3,000-mile passage to the Marquesas and then on to the rest of French Polynesia. There, the generator broke, and they lin- gered in the islands while awaiting repairs. Ben surfed Tahiti’s legendary waves, Amelia took in native dance performances, and in the Tuamotus Jack swam with a wild octopus on his back. In December 2004, the family flew to New Zealand, where they spent three weeks exploring the rain forests and fjords. Shortly after New Year’s, they docked the Emerald Jane in Raiatea and headed back to San Diego to wait out cyclone season. Everyone was thrilled to return to the luxuries they had left behind, but the novelty soon paled. 169 RD BONUS READ I JULY 2006

The following June, when school was out, they took up where they had left off. The plan was to head for Tonga, Fiji, and finally Australia; in August, they would put the boat up for sale and return home. The catamaran left Raiatea at 3 p.m. on Friday, June 24. Around 5 p.m. the next day, one of the pins attaching the boom to the mast came loose. John furled the mainsail, and spent an hour and a half trying to solve the prob- lem. As darkness fell, he decided to finish in the morning. He switched on the starboard engine to supplement the Genoa sail at the bow. About 200 miles west of Raiatea lies a tiny atoll called Manuae, which trails John alternated between acceptance and denial of his impending death. a reef like a comet’s tail. John had planned to round it by daylight, but now that was impossible. Stopping was not an option; the ocean in these parts is two miles deep, offering no anchorage. Charts of the area are not always reliable, but he had studied the route carefully. He set the autopilot on a course that allowed seven miles of clearance, then headed to the stateroom to talk to Jean, leaving the younger kids in front of the TV and Ben on watch in the cockpit.

Jean was at the stern with the children when the mast toppled onto her husband. She screamed, then stood frozen with terror on the pitching deck. The mast had knocked Ben down as well, leaving a gash on his crew- cut head. Now he stood over his father. “I’m here, Dad,” he said, his eyes be- traying everything that his calm voice concealed. 3 “Bring me some of that ⁄8-inch utility line,” John gasped, and Ben ran to grab it from a cabinet. John wrapped a strand of rope about his knee, twist- ing the ends to form a crude tourniquet. The foot-wide mast lay across his mangled lower leg, grinding into it with every movement of the boat. The craft had pivoted since hitting the reef, so the foredeck took the brunt of the waves. Each time a breaker crashed over him, he lost his grip—and more blood. Jean scrambled to his side and knelt there, stroking his face. “It’s going to be all right,” she repeated softly, as if hoping to hypnotize them both into be- lieving it. Then she gathered herself. The life raft, she knew, could be zipped 170 SHIPWRECKED closed, and with chunks of debris flying everywhere, it seemed the safest place for Amelia, Jack and Camille. She herded them into it, along with bags of food and jugs of water. She also tossed in Speedy, a small tortoise they had adopted in the Caribbean nearly two years earlier. But soon the hulls began to wobble loose, squeezing the raft between them. Jean hustled the children out again, just before the supplies and Speedy went tumbling overboard. Long Island Sound, Amelia and the younger kids huddled on New York the rearmost tip of the port hull, as Jack cried over the loss of his pet. Jean and Ben shuttled between them and John, Location of who lay shivering and moaning as his accident body went into shock. They tried repeatedly to lift the mast, but it wouldn’t budge. Despite his injuries MANUAE ATOLL and his excruciating pain, John somehow remained conscious. He alternated between acceptance and denial of his impending death, and anguished over the fate of his fam- Mainsail Genoa ily. At times, a voice in his head ex- sail John was coriated him: They’re doomed, and trapped here it’s your fault. He confessed his for almost three hours sins to God and prayed aloud that Life raft his loved ones be spared. Bow The family prayed too. Ben apologized to his dad for any Port obnoxious behavior he’d

The family Starboard huddled here after John was freed Stern Position of from under the fallen the mast mast

ILLUSTRATED BY 5W INFOGRAPHIC Members of a family who lived on a nearby mid-ocean atoll arrived by motorboat (left) to rescue the Silverwoods. Remains of the Emerald Jane are at top left. indulged in during the trip. “I’m sorry I’ve complained so much,” he said. “Forget it,” John responded. But he had a request: “If the boat starts to go under, I’m going to be stuck unless you cut off the rest of my leg. It’ll be like when we cut up chickens for the barbecue. Do you think you can do it?” Ben recoiled at the thought, but kept his cool. “Let’s cross that bridge when we come to it,” he said.

They didn’t have to. An hour later, the boat was struck by a particularly FAMILY SILVERWOOD COURTESY massive wave, and the mast shifted enough to let John pull free. Ben and Amelia fastened new tourniquets on his leg (one above the knee and one below, since they weren’t sure which was the proper position), and then carried him aft to join the others. Now that they were together, crowded onto a corner of the stern, a kind of peace descended. “I was really scared before, but now I feel like it’s Christmas,” Ben said. Despite the chaos all around them, the others knew what he meant. Around 1:30 in the morning, there was a glimmering on the horizon. “A ship!” Jean shouted, and Ben shot off a flare. The group’s spirits sank when the light turned out to be the rising moon. But Ben had been tracking an- other natural phenomenon for several hours: About 150 feet away was a 172 SHIPWRECKED section of reef that never went underwater, even at high tide. The strip was about five feet wide; it rose three feet above the sea and stretched for per- haps a quarter mile. Compared to their unstable perch, it seemed like a haven. “It’s time,” Ben declared, “to get off the boat.” He went first. The water on the way to the ridge was only waist-deep, and cushions from the boat were scattered across the coral. Ben gathered them into a comfortable nest, and Amelia helped him carry out Jack and Camille. The life raft was stuck between the hulls and tangled in cables, but after Jean freed it—using a saw that Ben ferreted out of the wreckage— they lifted John in and towed him to the refuge. Jean and Camille joined him in the raft, and Amelia held it in place, sitting neck-deep in the water to stay out of the chilly breeze. Ben and Jack curled up together on the cushions. And then they waited.

The Emerald Jane’s distress calls never reached Papeete. But an or- biting satellite picked up the EPIRB signal and relayed it to a U.S. Coast Guard station near San Francisco that coordinates rescue operations through- out the Pacific. The transmission contained the EPIRB’s serial number, which was registered—along with the Silverwoods’ emergency contact informa- tion—with the federal government. The Coast Guard tried contacting the boat by sat-phone and e-mail, but there was no answer. Although the EPIRB also provided GPS data, it took three passes for the satellite to get a clear reading of its latitude and longitude. In the mean- time, Coast Guard officers tried to glean what they could from the people on the contact list. At 11 p.m. California time—8 p.m. in French Polynesia, about an hour after the accident—they called Jean’s father, Albert Boera, in New York’s Westchester County. He told the officer that the boat was some- where near Bora Bora, en route to Australia. The Coast Guard notified the Rescue Coordination Center in New Zealand, which alerted the French mil- itary’s counterpart in Papeete. Soon afterward, the EPIRB’s precise location came through. But the French couldn’t mount a search until sunrise, which was still far away. As the night wore on, John weakened steadily. The mast had severed his tibial arteries, and despite the tourniquets, he had lost nearly four pints of blood. Un- beknownst to his family, he was also suffering from gangrene—the death of tissue around his wound—and an infection was spreading toward his vital 173 RD BONUS READ I JULY 2006 organs. He’d begun to vomit, and his trembling had grown violent. Jean knew his chances of survival were slimmer if he lost consciousness, so she tried to keep him talking. “Daddy’s going to be okay,” John told the kids, whenever he could manage it. His silences, however, were growing longer. As the sky began to lighten, around 6 a.m., the Silverwoods got their first good look at their surroundings. The reef, mostly submerged beneath a few feet of water, snaked to the horizon, where a patch of palm trees was just visible. Nearby, the boat’s shattered remains bobbed on the swells. The vast Pacific glittered all around. And high overhead, Jean saw something streak- ing across the clouds. “A plane!” she cried. It proved to be a bird. But about 20 minutes later, an- other dot appeared in the sky—and this time it was a French navy jet. Everyone cheered. Ben shot up a flare, and the plane began circling. Another hour passed, then two. The little kids dozed, while Jean and Ben passed the time collecting useful flotsam; they found bottles of water, cans of Coke and a vial of painkillers, but John could hold nothing down. “Where are they?” he asked, over and over. Finally, around 9:30, a motorboat approached, carrying seven stout Polynesians. They loaded the life raft—with John still inside—into the boat, and made room for the rest of the family. None of the men spoke English, but the leader made the sign for “helicopter.” Jean shouted, “Hurry! He’s dying!” and the boat set off for Manuae, eight miles away. The island, it turned out, was inhabited by a single family—an elderly couple and 14 of their children and grandchildren, who lived in a collection of tin-roofed shacks. The islanders made an urgent call on their radio to the rescue center in Papeete, then offered the family dry T-shirts and warm hugs, and presented Jean and Amelia with black-pearl necklaces. They laid out a feast, with crepes, raw fish and coconuts, and kept Camille and Jack distracted with kittens and turtles. Once the French realized there was a medical emergency, they mobilized as quickly as possible. Still, distances are long and resources scarce in Polynesia, and it took until noon for the copter to arrive. The medics quickly stabilized John, then flew him and the family to Bora Bora; from there, a jet rushed John to Tahiti. By 5:30, he was on an operating table, gazing up at a team of surgeons. “I was so deliriously happy,” he says. “I knew my wife and kids were safe. And I knew the pain was about to be gone.” 174 The family (from left, Ben, Jack, Jean, Camille, John and Amelia) sail on a friend’s boat back home in San Diego Bay.

The doctors amputated John’s leg below the knee. If he’d arrived 40 minutes later, they told him, it might have been too late. It took six days of dialysis before his kidneys, damaged by the infection, could function on their own, and another five days of recuperation before he was strong enough to return to the States. The family flew back to LAX on July 7, and John was transferred directly by ambulance to Scripps Memorial Hospital in La Jolla. There, doctors de- termined that his knee was damaged beyond repair. To heal properly, he would need a more radical amputation. Four days later, a surgeon sawed through the bone just above the knee. Another infection soon set in, with fevers that left him delirious and despairing. He didn’t leave the hospital until July 27. That night, unable to climb stairs, he slept in the living room of his sprawl- ing house near Rancho Santa Fe. The next morning, he woke to find Jean snuggled on one side of him, Camille on the other. Outside the windows,

PHOTOGRAPHED BY TIM TADDER 175 RD BONUS READ I JULY 2006 sunlight was sparkling on the dozens of citrus trees he’d planted in the yard. “My improvement,” he says, “began right then.” John started a course of rehabilitation, and by late September, his leg had healed enough to be fitted with a state-of-the-art prosthesis. It has a micro- processor in the knee joint that adjusts the hydraulics to match his gait. Such a contraption requires long practice to master, and a year after the ordeal, John, who has not yet returned to work, figures he’s about halfway there. To this day, he wonders what went wrong off Manuae, whether the charts were off, the autopilot was buggy, or his own calculations were flawed. He still has some “phantom limb” pain—the mysterious discomfort that many amputees feel in their missing part. But he is learning to hold his other phan- toms at bay. For a time, he couldn’t stand to look at the ocean; on a seaside camping trip, he awoke in a panic at the sound of waves. In February, how- ever, he manned the tiller on a half-day jaunt sponsored by a handicapped sailing group. “I had a ball,” he says. He’s already planning to buy a new boat. Remarkably, the other Silverwoods are open to the idea. Although Jean still suffers from anxiety attacks, she managed a Carnival Cruise to Mexico last winter. The kids report no nightmares or flashbacks—quite the con- trary. “I learned that, under pressure, you can do anything,” Amelia says. “Since the accident,” observes Ben, “we’re all a little nicer to each other.” His father continues to marvel over Ben’s actions during the crisis, which recently earned him the Boy Scouts’ top medal for heroism. For John, the rewards are unmistakable. Over lunch, he gestures around the table at his family. “Sure, I lost a leg,” he says. “But look what I’ve still got.”

TO BE CONTINUED…

I was waiting at a busy inter- section when two shopping- bag-laden women got off a bus chatting animatedly. They had said their good- byes and were heading in opposite direc- tions when one called over her shoulder to the other, “I’ll phone you when I get home.” A minute later she stopped. “Better yet,” she shouted, “you call me. You’ll get home before I will.” M.J. WEBER 176 HEALTH ■ FOOD ■ HOME ■ CARS ■ YOU ■ PETS

FunBackyardGames189

Tennis With a Twist 182 Fried Chicken and Fireworks 184 New Way to Wash Your Face 192 Pet-Friendly

LWA/THE IMAGE BANK/GETTY IMAGES BANK/GETTY IMAGE LWA/THE Travel Tips 194 179 RDHEALTH

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Stay Cool— day’s worth, in liquid alone. “Ideally, you should receive and Thin no calories from bever- eeping hydrated ages,” says Cynthia this summer Sass of the Kwill ease the American Di- heat, but drink- etetic Associa- able calories tion. (Milk and can add up. Say 100% fruit juice you guzzle a glass count as food of OJ with breakfast, then stop servings.) That advice may be hard for an iced latte. For a mid-morning to swallow when you’re parched. refresher, you have a flavored iced So limit your drinks to 10% of total tea, then a soda with lunch, another calories (about 200), says Sass. Opt at 3 p.m., and two beers after work. for unsweetened iced tea, diet soda A typical day, and you’ve chugged or water with a splash of lemon,

as many as 1,068 calories, or half a lime or orange juice. JAZELLE HUNT IMAGES PHOTOGRAPHY/PICTUREQUEST/JUPITER BRIAN MACDONALD (ICED TEA)

Should I be well within that range. percentage of water sup- alarmed about Moderate amounts of plies have levels this high. Q dangerous fluor- fluoride strengthen tooth It’s a good idea to know ide levels in water? enamel, preventing decay, how much is in your water, but a recent National since fluoride also comes Despite scary Academy of Sciences from other sources (tooth- headlines, most report found that high paste, some bottled A people can keep levels (4 mg/L) can waters). Ask your water sipping from the tap. The weaken bones and give utility for a copy of the EPA says water with 0.7 kids mottled, pitted teeth. Consumer Confidence to 1.2 mg of fluoride per Excess fluoride may also Report to find out fluoride liter is safe, and most cause other health prob- levels in your H2O. public water supplies are lems, but only a small CYNTHIA DERMODY

180 (DOUGHNUTS) CHRISTINE BRONICO RDHEALTH ROOM TO GROW Turbo- HEALTHY You’re in the hospital, Charged feeling bad, and you’ve got a loud, cranky room- Tennis mate. Relief is on the way. Patients who stay in private rooms recover faster, so the American Institute of Architects’ ennis is a Academy of Architec- ture for Health now terrific work- recommends that all Tout: You can new hospitals be built burn major calo- with private rooms only. ries sprinting to “Single rooms are return a killer shot, and tone your arms more efficient,” says Dr. while volleying and serving. But if you Dennis O’Leary of the want more intense exercise, try cardio Joint Commission on IMAGES ADRIAN GREEN/STONE/GETTY tennis. Never picked up a racket? No problem. Accreditation of Health- This is a fast-paced, action-packed workout, and care Organizations. it doesn’t matter if you get the ball over the net. “They reduce medical What does: getting your heart rate up by doing errors and infections, sprints and drills with 6 to 10 other players per and patients will proba- court. Some clubs even pipe in funky music to bly get out of the hospi- tal faster.” LISA MILLER keep you going. Most classes run 60 minutes. FIELDS Why try it? You’ll burn 300 to 600 calories an hour, learn skills to improve your game and, oh yeah, you’ll have a great time! You can try cardio tennis indoors or out, at one of more than 1,000 tennis centers across the country; classes are about $10 each. Find a loca- tion near you at cardiotennis.com. PATRICIA CURTIS FAST FACT >> 60% of adults don’t use insect repel- lents, but mosquito bites are the top summer skin-care concern in the United States. SOURCE: Spectrum Brands

182 ILLUSTRATED BY JOSEF GAST LET'S EAT!

WITH MOLLY O'NEILL FRED CONRAD A Fourth of July Favorite ohn t. edge looks forward to the Fourth of July with the fervor of a Founding Father. After all, Jit’s the only day that picnics are a patriotic duty, says the man who has spent a decade studying American identity through food. Each spring, John T., director of the Southern Foodways Alliance at the Center for the Study of Southern Culture in Oxford, Mississippi, begins planning his annual Ameri- can picnic. On the menu: food icons such as fried chicken, burgers, coleslaw, potato salad and pie. He’s written 13 books so far, including Fried Chicken: An American Story. The center of any picnic? Cold fried chicken. And this recipe from John Fleer, chef at Blackberry Farm in Walland, Tennessee, beats all. MOLLY O’NEILL

John Fleer’s Sweet Tea Brined Fried Chicken 8 chicken leg quarters 1 cup sugar 2 tbs. Old Bay 1 BRINE: ⁄2 cup kosher salt Seasoning 1 qt. brewed tea, double CRUST: 1 tbs. chili powder strength 2 cups all-purpose flour Salt and pepper, to taste 1 lemon, zested, 2 cups masa harina 2 cups buttermilk quartered (fine cornmeal) 1 qt. vegetable oil 1. Mix brine ingredients. Simmer 5 minutes, until sugar and salt dissolve. Add 1 quart ice water. Submerge chicken for 48 hours, refriger- ated. Drain. 2. Mix flour, masa harina, Old Bay, chili powder, salt and pepper in large bowl. Soak chicken in buttermilk in medium bowl, 2 minutes. Remove, draining off excess liquid. Coat chicken in masa harina mixture. Let sit 30 minutes before frying. 3. Heat oil to 325°. Fry chicken, fully covered in oil, 15 minutes (big pieces may need more time; small pieces, less). Cool; refrig- erate overnight. Serves 4. Get more recipes at rd.com/picnic. ELIZABETH WATT/STOCKFOOD CREATIVE/GETTY IMAGES CREATIVE/GETTY WATT/STOCKFOOD ELIZABETH

184 (BOOK) PHOTOGRAPHED BY CHRISTINE BRONICO LET'S EAT! Tea-rriffic Tastes I love iced tea, but many Q bottled ones are too sweet. Got any recommendations?

After tasting several brands, A we’ve found a few favorites. But before you start sipping, keep in mind that liquid calories quickly add up. White tea is the trend of the mo- ment, and Inko’s Original is refresh- Friends, Through ingly good. With just 56 calories a bottle, it’s slightly sweet, and comes Good Food and Bad in 9 yummy flavors. And yes, white The hardest thing, says Barbara Moseley, “is having something in your tea is as healthy as mouth that tastes awful and still hav- black and green. ing a smile on your face.” POM Wonderful’s fla- Moseley’s had considerable experi- vored teas are just ence here. She and her best friend, sweet enough to Gwen McKee, are editors of the Best please. Lastly, for tea of the Best state cookbook series, the purists, Honest Tea’s crème de la crème of published unsweetened organic recipes from 35 states and 4 regions. Just Green and Just McKee, 66, and Moseley, 69, Black, and Coca- had been itching to find something Cola’s new unsweet- of their own to do. The two women ened Gold Peak, offer knew their way around the kitchen. a simple, bold taste, Finding their way around the country while Adagio’s An- was a different story. They got lost in teadote delivers a se- the Everglades and were mooned in Des Moines. In the name of research, riously strong punch. they’ve eaten fried pork brain in Indi- ana, rattlesnake in Texas, alligator in Louisiana and possum in Kentucky. >> “We vowed that if business ever FAST FACT 46% threatened our friendship, we’d dis- of men and 31% of solve the partnership,” says McKee. women admit to double- Thirty years later, they’re still going strong. JOANNE KAUFMAN dipping chips at parties. SOURCE: American Dietetic Association 186 RDHOME Before and AFTER Renovate a whole house for $50K? The secrets ... or nine months, Terry and Hardest job Removing, number- Nancy Fike and their four kids ing, stripping and then refitting Flived in a two-room shed while all of the original vertical grain fir they gutted the 1910 farmhouse on a trim around doors, windows and pear and apple orchard in Cash- baseboards. mere, Washington, that they bought Splurges Living room carpet and for $70,000. Then all it took was one dining room rug, $2,250; Bosch handy guy (Terry), lots of friends, dishwasher, $650; Jenn-Air wall an eye for tag-sale treasures, and oven, $900. giving up many weekends. “Finding Lesson learned Don’t try to something discarded and bringing it salvage badly pockmarked plaster back to life was a lot of fun for us,” walls; just sheetrock right over Terry says. them.

Do you have a room redo or out- door project you’d like to show off? Send the before-and-after photos to [email protected]. Online submissions only. To see more home-makeover projects, go to rd.com/makeover.

before

after

188 The New Gotta- Don’t Be Have Games Mowed Over et off the patio furniture Lawn mower mishaps and into some serious calorie- are on the rise, leading Gburning fun with innovative to 74,000 ER visits a backyard games: year, mostly by people Qolf A cross between golf and under age 15 and over croquet played with a lightweight 60. The most common ball and your sand or pitching wedge wounds? Those from sticks spit out from the (sharperimage.com; $60). blades. Doctors also Soft Shoes Soft but solid rubber treat burns, injured ex- horseshoes that can easily be carried tremities and falls that to parks or barbecues with a nylon result from mowing wet strap (fungripper.com; $25). grass. “People need to OgoSport Use protect their feet and one of these legs, and wear goggles trampoline- and gloves,” says David looking disks Bishai, author of a lawn (right) as a mower study at Johns Frisbee; get Hopkins Bloomberg two, and vol- School of Public Health ley any ball in Baltimore. Kids back and forth under 15 shouldn’t (ogosport.com; $40 for two-pack). operate or be near a mower at all. C.D. Monster Badminton This version has super- sized rackets and shuttlecocks so even tiny tykes can join in (Target stores; $20). Skylighter Two LEDs illuminate this flying disk’s rim, so you can play well into the night (aerobie.com; $15). CYNTHIA DERMODY

TRY THIS! Wait, don’t toss that banana peel. You can rub its inside on your leather shoes to clean and polish them! Find uses for 203 other common items from around your home, or search by the specific household problem you’d like to solve, by logging on to rd.com/extraordinaryuses. STEPHEN MALLON/PHOTONICA/GETTY IMAGES MALLON/PHOTONICA/GETTY STEPHEN

(QOLF) PHOTOGRAPHED BY CHRISTINE BRONICO 189 RDCARS Car Paint Goes Dragging High Tech Picking the color With My of your new car is hard enough. Laptop New high-tech paint will make eannine johnson, it even harder: 16, is poised in her • Is it charcoal Jdrag-racing car, gray or cool violet? ChromaFlair is a hue-shifting pig- eyes locked on the ment currently used on some GM and Nissan cars. More lights overhead. Three carmakers plan to use it. yellow ones flash, and • Mood-ring-style paint, where the car’s color changes she takes off at 85 mph. according to the weather, is being developed by German Eight seconds later, the researchers. race is over and a green • Scratch Guard Coat is not a color but a self-repairing light at the finish line elastic resin that repels scratches and makes slight ones fade. It will be on Nissan cars in this country soon. tells Johnson she’s won. She can thank her computer for part of her success. gine. It records rpm, jackshaft Junior dragsters guess how long it speed and motor temperature. The will take them to go from start to downloaded info appears as a line finish, and try to come as close to graph, which she overlays on graphs that time as possible. And if her car from prior races. If they don’t is not running well, the Puyallup, match, it’s tune-up time. Washington, teen explains, it won’t Microsoft gave Johnson the grand perform as she predicts. So after prize in its Start Something Amaz- each race, she connects her PC to ing Awards, for best use of a a data collector near her car’s en- PC in a sport. Due to a childhood sur- gery that damaged growth plates, Johnson’s right leg is shorter than her left. “A lot of kids play baseball and soccer, but I can’t because of my dis- ability,” she says. “Drag racing lets me participate in a unique sport not

a lot of people do.” MICROSOFT COURTESY 190 RDYOU New Ways to WASH YOUR FACE till using plain soap and water on your face in these Shigh-tech times? Even the cleansing cloths introduced a few years ago have had makeovers. The new products clean and rejuvenate skin in ways you never imagined. We tried a bunch and loved them all. They’re pricier than most bars or liquid cleansers (and may seem wasteful), but you might decide they’re worth it—especially when traveling. Our favorites: CATEGORY PRODUCTS WHY WE LOVED THEM Dual-sided Clean & Clear All have one side to clean and exfoliate, cleansing Daily Pore another that moisturizes, although they still pads ($7); Dove tend to leave skin a bit dry. They couldn’t Energy Glow be easier to use: Just wet one and ($4.50); start washing. Said one tester, Neutrogena “They work especially well when PureGlow ($9) I’m tired and want to wash my face quickly before bed.”

Pre- Bioré Pore Perfect One tester said the Bioré left her moistened ($7); Neutrogena face feeling clean and not dried cloths Blackhead Elimi- out, but it didn’t remove all of nating 2-in-1 ($8); her waterproof mascara. The Neutrogena Deep Neutrogena worked well on Clean Invigorating sensitive skin, even for one ($7.50) tester who can’t normally use an exfoliator with- out irritation. “They’re great for use after a work- out, so I plan to keep them in my gym locker.”

Pre- Mark “Olay’s slightly floral smell made my skin feel moist- from cleaner than my usual facial wash and also did ened Avon a good job of removing waterproof mascara.” makeup ($7); Olay Daily The Mark “lathered up well, had a fresh clean removers Facials ($6) scent, and didn’t sting my eyes.” CYNTHIA DERMODY

192 (PRODUCTS) PHOTOGRAPHED BY CHRISTINE BRONICO RDPETS

the seat, but larger dogs must ride in crates in the cargo hold. Make sure she’s healthy and vaccinations are up-to-date. If your pet is ner- vous, your vet may prescribe anti- anxiety medication, but never sedate your pooch. High altitudes and bar- biturates are a bad mix for animals. By car If Fifi gets carsick, ask Happier the vet about drugs that might help. Keep her in a carrier or pet seat Travels belt (harness); a loose animal can get hurt or injure a passenger during IMAGES PUETZER/PHOTONICA/GETTY STEVEN raveling with a four-legged a quick stop or crash. Take breaks friend can be, well, hairy. Chris every few hours, and never leave TKingsley of petswelcome.com, your pet alone in the car—especially a directory of pet-friendly lodging, in extremely hot or cold weather. offers tips for a safe trip: Finally, if you can’t spend much By air Reserve early, and ask the time with her on a trip, consider airline about weight limits and other leaving your pet home with a sitter. details. Small pets can often go in Just think of the welcome you’ll get the cabin in a carrier that fits under when you return! LUCIA RAATMA

Will Work for Food Pets left home alone all day are more likely to develop behavior problems, such as incessant barking, chewing or scratching furniture, says Marty Becker, a veterinarian in Bonners Ferry, Idaho. “They need to be stimulated men- tally.” With new innovative “food puzzles,” your dog or cat can work for food in a fun, challenging way. To start, fill a puzzle with kibble, and she’ll paw, roll or push the toy to make the food fall out. Once she can master it, put up to a day’s worth of food in a few puzzles to keep your pet moving and busy. Becker’s dogs, Quixote and Shakira, love their toys. “The puzzles keep them engaged and active. Their eyes are bright; their tails are helicopter rotors.” Give dogs the Molecuball, Buster Food Cube or Kong Stuff- A-Ball; cats love the Play-N-Treat (ourpets.com, petsmart.com). NEENA SAMUEL

194 LIFE IN THESE UNITED STATES ®

y wife and I I was shopping in the pet section of my Mwere having local supermarket when I overheard a woman a very hypothetical dis- singing the praises of a particular water bowl to cussion: In the unlikely her husband. event that Hollywood “Look, it even has a water filter!” she concluded, made a movie based on holding the doggie dish out for her husband’s our lives, we wondered inspection. what stars would play us. He had a slightly different take on things: “Dear, he drinks out of the toilet.” “Who would you pick to portray you?” she JAMES JENKINS, Jacksonville, Florida asked me. aught up running errands I thought about it for a C , my mom’s friend minute, then answered, forgot where she’d parked. A police officer, noticing “Dennis Quaid.” her agitation, asked, “Is something wrong?” “In that case,” she said, “I can’t find my car,” she explained. “I’ll play myself.” “What kind is it?” She gave him a quizzical look. “Name some.” MARK SUGGS, Boone, North Carolina LILA DRYER, Lowndesboro, Alabama

eading down Hthe interstate, our car passed through a huge swarm of gnats so dense that their bodies made popping noises as they hit the windshield. “I can’t get over how loud they are,” my wife said. “Well, we are hitting them at 65 miles an hour,” I pointed out. Her reply left me speechless. “I didn’t know bugs could fly that fast.” “Let’s not have a good time. JOHN SHINDLEBOWER, You know I can’t stand these people.” Mt. Eden, Kentucky

ILLUSTRATED BY PC VEY 197 RD I JULY 2006

nspirational I suppose it speaks volumes about the state Ispeaker Dr. Wayne of my marriage when I admit to nodding knowingly Dyer still remembers the at a remark made by a colleague. card his kids gave him for She was telling me about the death of another his 64th birthday. The co-worker’s spouse, when she commented, “How front said, “Inside is a sad. They’d been married only five years, so I message from God.” imagine she still loved him.” Pleased they finally JANET IVES, Federal Way, Washington appreciated his work, he opened it to read, “See eeing off on the a big smile. “Thank you.” you soon!” CHRISTINE KITTO, 12th hole at a golf The next day a differ- Lake Worth, Florida T resort, we stopped to ent young woman was buy cold drinks from the driving the cart. “Watch My husband uses young woman driving this,” I whispered. I scraps of wood, the beverage cart. As my walked up to her and called “shorts,” for buddy reached for his said, “Wow, you must carving. In a lumber wallet, he said to her, work out a lot.” store, he saw some lovely pieces in a bin “You’re in great shape. “Yeah,” she replied. behind the counter. You must work out a lot.” “You should try it.” But he had a lot of Flattered, she gave him THOMAS OSBORNE, Elmira, New York explaining to do after he asked the clerk, On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my “Do you mind if I come grandson asked my son the question. “Dad, I know around and poke that babies come from mommies’ tummies, but how through your shorts?” do they get there in the first place?” he asked inno- CATHY GROVES, Kearney, Nebraska cently. After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust. You could earn “You don’t have to make up to $300 for your own funny story. something up, Dad. It’s OK if Go to rd.com/joke or see you don’t know the answer.” page 12 for details. HARRY NEIDIG, Pennsauken, New Jersey

Consumer Information Reader’s Digest may share information about you with reputable companies in order for them to offer you products and services of interest to you. If you would rather we not share information, please write to Reader’s Digest Customer Service, P.O. Box 7823, Red Oak, Iowa 51591-0823. Published monthly by The Reader’s Digest Association, Inc., 1 Reader’s Digest Rd., Pleasantville, N.Y. 10570. Rates: $2.99 a copy; $27.98 per year in the U.S. and territories; $38.95 (includes shipping by air where available) for the U.S. edition delivered outside the U.S. and territories. A special Reader’s Digest Large Print for Easier Reading with selected articles from The Digest is published by Reader’s Digest Large Edition, Inc. For details write: Reader’s Digest Large Print for Easier Reading, P.O. Box 8177, Red Oak, Iowa 51591-1177. Reader’s Digest, (ISSN 0034-0375) (USPS 865-820), Vol. 169, No. 1011, July 2006. © 2006 The Reader’s Digest Association, Inc. All rights reserved. Unauthorized reproduction, in any manner, is prohibited. Reader’s Digest, The Digest, and the Pegasus logo are registered trademarks of The Reader’s Digest Association, Inc. Marca Registrada. Printed in U.S.A. Periodicals postage paid at Pleasantville, N.Y., and at additional mailing offices. You may cancel your subscription at any time and receive a refund for copies not previously addressed. Your subscription will expire with the issue identified above your name on the address label. POSTMASTER: Send address changes to Reader’s Digest, Box 7809, Red Oak, Iowa 51591-0809. SUBSCRIBERS: If the Post Office alerts us that your magazine is undeliverable, we have no further obligation unless we receive a corrected address within one year. 198 RDCHALLENGE BY WILL SHORTZ

Three of a kind is the winning deal in this month’s Challenge. Figure out what the trio in each set have in common, and you’ve solved the puzzle—as long as each answer is a six-letter plural word, ending in -s! Got it? Now show your hand ...

Ex. Railroad, wild animal, music CD: TRACKS

1. Trombone 5. Hunting dog 9. Golf course Children’s playground Compass Salad Laboratory microscope Scoreboard Environmentalists ______

2. Parade 6. Dungeon 10. Boxing match Malt shop Jewelry store Doctor Tackle box Sequence Children’s song ______

3. Weight 7. Fish 11. Beach British bank Sheet music Rifle ASPCA Dieters Pasta ______

4. Dentist 8. Municipal parking lot 12.Rupture Dry run Electric utility School year Army camp Rhythm in verse Good fortune

______

9. Greens; 10. Rounds; 11. Shells; 12. Breaks. 12. Shells; 11. Rounds; 10. Greens; 9.

1. Slides; 2. Floats; 3. Pounds; 4. Drills; 5. Points; 6. Chains; 7. Scales; 8. Meters; Meters; 8. Scales; 7. Chains; 6. Points; 5. Drills; 4. Pounds; 3. Floats; 2. Slides; 1. Answers:

200 ILLUSTRATED BY ROBERT DEMICHIELL OUR AMERICA

“HIGHWAY PATROL” BY C. F. PAYNE EXCLUSIVELY FOR READER’S DIGEST For more great C.F. Payne images, go to rd.com/CFPayne