The Student Newspaper of Imperial College Issue 1244

A Turnip. Reprenseting Felix Film makes a Turnip Henry, back for comeback with oceans one night only- Eleven. Page 21 Page 11 S> On Monday 14th October, Felix published the news that Imperial College was planning to merge with University College London and, seperately, to charge its students £10,000 top-up fees. Rector's UCL Plan After the initial publication, Felix has since announced in January 2000. learned that Imperial College's Rector Sir If Imperial College and University College do Richard Sykes was UCL's first choice to replace merge successfully, Sir Richard will ultimately Sir Derek Roberts in the post of UCL Provost become head of one of the largest institutions in during Sir Richard's days at the helm of the world. GlaxoWellcome, before the company merged Sir Richard has certainly expressed an inter- with SmithKline Beecham. est in influencing the country's research in the Sir Derek Roberts, now in charge of UCL past - particularly in biomedical sciences - once again as caretaker after the forced resig- though whether this merger is part of some nation of Sir Chris Llewellyn Smith, said of Sir grand plan is unclear. However, the merger will Richard "When I first retired four years ago, provide an excellent stage to direct policy on Richard Sykes was the first choice for provost. Was UCL Sir Richard Sykes' plan all along? how universities are run, not just about their We have been waiting for four years to get his research, but the whole of the British higher services." SmithKline Beecham collapsed in February education system. AW Sir Derek also commented that Sir Richard 1998, after which Sir Richard elected to remain was days away from accepting the UCL position with GlaxoWellcome. The successful merger Full details of the UCL merger can be found on when GlaxoWellcome's merger talks with which formed GlaxoSmithKline was re- page 3; a Union statement is on page 4. College Denies Top-up Fees Sen (Union President) explains | Despite the planned presentation level of fees that Imperial would £2,800 per year on each student. what the hell is going on. of a paper to College Council on hope to introduce, but £10,500 Pending a government white Friday backing the payment of was used only as an example in a paper, the contents of which the I (Will, Felix Editor) also try and top-up fees by Imperial students, calculation representing the College administration did not explain what the hell is going the College has told the BBC that advantages to top-up charging. "officially know", he indicated that on. But perhaps not quite so it was "absolutely not true" that Regardless, there certainly top-up fees "will be an acceptable effectively. the introduction of top-up fees appears to be a disparity between way forward." would be discussed. the papers published for Council Fees are unlikely to be intro- Alex makes absolutely no This seems directly contrary to and the impression College duced before the next general attempt to explain what the hell the paper, which asks Council to sources are giving to the national election, nor will any currently reg- is going on. agree that the College should pub- media. In an interview with the istered students be expected to licly announce its wish to intro- Union media, Director of Strategy pay top-up fees. AW This being a science university, duce top-up fees for its students and Communication Chris Towler we thought we should have a should the Government remove said "it's very clear what the Be informed. See inside for the science page. What's going on? the £1,100 cap on tuition fees. deficits in university funding are", full story of the top-up fee pro- 18th October 2002 The paper does not specify the stating that Imperial College lost posals and what they mean.

"I'm knee-deep in Union shit!" / "If it hasn't got a penis, I'm not interested" http://www.union.ic.ac.uk/felix/ [email protected] NEWS FELIX Analysis: The Top-Up FELIX Issue 1244 Fees Proposal Editor Will Dugdale Deputy Editor Alisdair Wren Last Wednesday there was an Science Rosie Chandler Emergency General Meeting of Music Sajini Wijetilleka the Imperial College Union Nightlife Patrick Hoar Council to discuss the paper that Film Simon North the Rector had produced advocat- Web Jenny Lewis ing top-up fees for Imperial Coffee Break Mike 'n' Jim Students. Sports Alex Coby At the meeting, the paper that Council's permission is just part of the authorisation required for fees was to be brought to the College Council was effectively leaked as Loss Per Student Colleges "of similar standing" were Felix, Beit Quadrangle, Prince copies were distributed to the large The motivation for the paper to follow suit. It's certainly true, Consort Road, London crowd of students attending Union seems to be the disparity between however, that Imperial seems to SW7 2BB Council, despite being marked the cost of educating each student, want to take a lead in modifying "Confidential". While first reports, which College claims is £10,500, the way in which higher education Tel: 020 7594 8072 even from your trusty copy of Felix, and the amount received from is funded. This will doubtless go E-mail: [email protected] down well with the Government,

.. have sfaoM that it costs! which backs a "free market" for Felix is a registered universities including, presumably, newspaper: the ability for institutions to set ISSN 1040-0711 their own prices as well as compe- Copyright © Felix 2002 tition for research grants and You're costing College £2,800 per year exploitation of intellectual property. Printed by Witherbys, EC1 i. — — — — — — — — — — — — J indicated that top-up fees of HEFCE (Higher Education Funding Government Support scheme the Government has in £10,500 per year were to be intro- Council for England) and current Given recent noises from the mind, but it's certainly possible to duced, the paper is actually much tuition fees paid by students, Government, including an appear- imagine how the grants may be less specific. which total around £7,500 ance by Minister for Higher reallocated to universities with, for according to the Rector's proposal. Education Margaret Hodge on the example, a lower number of stu- Student Protest Few can argue that this loss, BBC's Newsnight programme on dents from independent schools. The Emergency Council meeting which in fact totals around eventually evolved into an £28million each year, has to be Emergency General Meeting, met from somewhere but some do where all the students of Imperial argue that a university should College are entitled to debate and spend more on its students than vote on the issue on the table - in what they're explicitly given for this case, how the Union should teaching. Indeed, in the end-of- respond to the top-up fees propos- year accounts published by No amount als. There was an unusually high Imperial in July 2001, there was a turn-out and there was an enthusi- real operating loss of £1 million. Wednesday, it seems likely that Informed Argument astic discussion, mandating the College only remained in the black approval will be forthcoming which However this proposal is interpret- allows universities to charge top- ed, the Emergency Council meet- teaches. Similar nsotts wotAl

[email protected] We're still looking for departmental and halls correspondents FELIX NEWS 03 The UCL Merger In Full Last week, Imperial College sities should operate in a freer departments which bring in the that the Government's recent poli- announced that it had been in market. He also "wouldn't mind" largest research grants. cy on university funding have been talks with University College seeing smaller, less popular uni- less than popular with the Unions, London about a possible merger. versities shutting down if they Merger Rescue this may be a bad sign if the Of primary interest is why this were unable to secure the While UCL looks like it has the Rector is seeking support from stu- merger might be going ahead. improved funding that the new most to gain from a merger, both dents for the plan. However, con- There's no shortage to opposition institution, for example, will be Imperial and UCL need some way tacting the student body about the both among the staff and student able to command with its to secure their long-term future merger seemed more of an after- populations of the two colleges. increased size. (see Financial Pressure, below). thought than a priority, with both The top-up fees proposal that will national media and College staff New University of London London School of Economics be presented to College Council on informed well in advance of any While everyone was speculating Back in 2000, Felix reported that Friday may be one way of balanc- official notice from the manage- that the merger of Imperial and the College had plans for a merger ing the books, but there's clearly a ment by e-mail. University might signal the end of with LSE. While nothing apparent- problem at UCL, which is also like- affiliation to the University of ly came from these talks, the ly to charge top-up fees when the Student Input London, Imperial's Rector Sir College management did admit Government approves the move With Imperial College Union focus- Richard Sykes indicated that he that LSE had been approached according to Chris Towler, ing on the proposed top-up fees, it wanted to form "The University of about merger. Additionally, they Directory of Strategy and may be some time before some London", despite the current exis- are also likely to charge top-up Communications. coordinated response on the merg- tence of The University of London. fees alongside other colleges. "Critical mass" is a phrase cen- er plans comes from Beit Quad. This may indicate a plan for even- tral to College's communications Certainly students have much to tual absorption of all London's col- Arts Departments To Close? on the merger - the combined lose from any potential merger, leges, or even closure of those con- Most of the immediate advantages power of both Imperial and UCL's particularly if it fails to lower the sidered unworthy to join the new from merger arise from the dispos- attraction for research grants need for extra tuition fees. The body. al of shared resources that are no should prove insurmountable. sheer practicality of getting two longer required, which in many classes into the same lecture the- Free Market cases means staff. A source in the Government Support atre remains a concern for stu- When questioned on the BBC's University of London suggested The Government have clearly sup- dents and staff alike, though Newsnight programme, Sir that UCL's humanities depart- ported the plan for merger, and whether staff influence will suc- Richard expressed support for the ments might be "phased out" in that between the University of ceed where students may fail Government's position that univer- order to focus on the scientific Manchester and UMIST. Given remains to be seen. AW Financial Pressure Dolly It's no secret that both Imperial and draft measures and have £75mil- UCL have been suffering financial lion in long-term debt. problems for the past years, nor is it Their financial management may ~"iHtunes denied by the College that financial be partly to blame - the amount of motivations are behind the plan to money owed to them by other merge. organisations rose from £84m to fl hot mix of current Imperial College lost around £100m in just one year. At the chart hit/ % donee 2 £1.6million last year but sold same time, money owed to other around £16million of assets to off- organisations by UCL increased set the loss and improve their finan- from £4million to £10million and cial reserved. However, since the UCL's "cash-in-hand" all but van- 2000 fiscal year, Imperial has tight- ished. Both IC and UCL lost signifi- fridoy. Oct 18 ened up its finances considerably, cant amounts of money in stock though the published accounts only market collapses - around 12% of

[email protected] The student newspaper of Imperial College COLUMN FELIX From The Union

Student Fees a protest on Friday morning to show their oppo- Union is always in favour of enhancing the aca- No doubt you will have read the news that the sition to the their scheme. One of the clear mes- demic experience of our students. We must Rector has presented a paper to the College sages was that students felt offended that they work to ensure that the quality of our teaching governing body asking permission to charge stu- were not consulted on the issue of student fees. and research is not compromised by any pro- dents fees to home and EU students that reflect As a major stakeholder, students or their repre- posed merger. the true economic cost of education. sentatives must be involved at all stages when The idea raises a number of important ques- The introduction of fees that correspond to key decisions are being made about the future tion for the Union. Will there be one Union? the full economic cost of education represents a of their university. Where will it be based? UCL Union are in the fundamental shift in the funding of higher edu- Any proposed changes are unlikely to take NUS and we are not and how that might affect cation. The Union realises that the cost of pro- effect till 2006 and indeed many students feel the students here. It is also recognised that the viding an international standard of teaching and that it does not effect them. It is important to cultures at the two institutions are different and research must be met and that there is a fund- realise that if this system is introduced, you will that will present extra challenges for any pro- ing shortfall in undergraduate teaching. A have to start planning to send your children to posed merger. There has already been concern recent review showed it costs approximately higher education institutions that may charge expressed about the relative sizes of both insti- £10,500 to teach a Home/EU student. full fees. tutions. UCL has some 18,000 students and Currently the College receives about £7,700 Imperial has 10,000 and in a democratic sys- from HEFCE and student fees, this represents a tem, UCL students may dominate in the arena short-fall of £2,800. of Union governance. The Union recognises that we cannot allow It also begs the question of what will happen this funding shortfall to continue. However, we to the University of London. There have been are concerned that most Imperial students are some clear indications from the College that it already expected to contribute some of these wishes to leave the University of London and costs, and any extra financial burden may fur- setup as a stand-alone institution. Indeed it is ther increase student hardship. expected that the Privy Council will grant the The College are suggesting charging full fees College reserve degree awarding powers this of £10,500 with the caveat that the College autumn. If this combined institution was to retains its current teaching grant from HEFCE leave, University of London will be struggling to (approximately £50M) to fund bursaries for stu- survive. dents that cannot afford to pay full fees. The These issues and more will be discussed College aims to implement a needs-blind sys- openly. We need an informed debate based tem, one that aims to allow the top-calibre stu- facts and figures, and focused on the real dents to enter College regards of their financial issues. We have met with UCL Union to start background. discussions and will be producing a joint state- Any system for assessing the bursaries will be ment of intent. The Unions will be setting up a based on a means testing scheme. Means test- joint group to co-ordinate our efforts and both ing assumes that parent's wealth equates Unions will produce a response to the proposed directly to their generosity towards their chil- merger plans. I will outline a more detailed dren. This is not always the case, indeed a UCL Merger timetable at the meeting of Council on Monday recent survey conducted by Barclays Bank The Union was surprised by the announcement 21st October identifying key milestones in the showed that 17% of students receive no contri- that Imperial College are in talks with University process. bution from their parents. A further 30% College London with a view to a possible merg- The proposed merger must not come too received less than the government's recom- er. The College have stated that it will undergo much as a surprise. This has been a trend with- mended contribution. There is a real danger a consultation with the key stake holders with a in the UK. Recent high profile mergers have that a large proportion of high quality students view to making a decision by mid December. included UMIST and Manchester, and Guildhall could not afford to attend Imperial. Proponents of the merger argue that this will and North London. There seems to be a clear Imperial College is a world-class higher edu- create a "super-university" with a combined strategy to create large higher education institu- cation institution that must continue to attract population of 28,000 students and the critical tions that can compete on the global scale. This the best students regardless of their financial mass to compete on the international scale. The would radically change the tertiary education background. We continue to support widening proposed merger raises a whole of number of landscape in the UK. access for all students; and the Union has stat- issues and it is important not to jump to con- ed that it opposes any changes that compro- clusions. The Union welcomes the chance for A final word mise this principle. There is a very real danger an extensive consultation process with the stu- These are undoubtedly the two biggest issues that the perception of large debt will stop stu- dent body. Any merger proposal would need to the College has faced in recent years. It is dents from entering higher education. show that the university experience for Imperial important that the Union plays a key role in To gauge the student opinion, I called an College students will not be compromised and ensuring that students' views are taken into emergency meeting of the Union Council on the proposed merger will add value to the account when important decisions are made Wednesday where these issues was discussed. organisation. The Union will engage in a wide about your future. It is equally crucial that the The meeting was one of the best attended in consultation with the student body over the next student body is active in letting its voice be recent years. The students gave a clear mes- few weeks. We will conduct college wide heard. Over the coming weeks your representa- sage that they are totally against the principle of debates on the issues and will seek to produce tives will be contacting you to gauge your views charging full fees and vehemently opposed the a response to the governing body in December. or you are welcome to contact me to express paper tabled by the Rector. The strength of feel- UCL is an institution which shares our pursuit your opinions. So please get involved and have ing was such that the students have organised of excellence in teaching and research, and the your say.

[email protected] The student newspaper of Imperial College Daniel Kipfer / Corporate Center / Zurich / April 2002

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UBS $ UBS Warburg & UBS PaineWebber Financial Services Group COLUMN FELIX Editorial

Hmm, well if you are reading this, conclusions can we draw from accountant, and while he pointed Or they actually believe it would it would be fair to assume that this? Well, perhaps he and Sir out some interesting points about be good for the universities. But you've read the news on the front Derek (chap in charge of UCL) sustainable sources of income (if that's boring. cover. I have to admit that usually I have enormous faith in the people we hadn't sold an ice rink this year, (While I'm trying to be good, I don't write serious editorials, but they are employing, to the extent Imperial would be about 10 million can't let it pass that Sir Derek is on a news item such as this, it that they are entrusting the largest pounds in debt), he couldn't see only in charge of UCL for a couple would be little more than churlish merger in British educational histo- anything that led us to believe that of months while they find a new to ignore it, and spout my usual ry (and possibly the world) to their the College is in real trouble, and rector, so that might explain the crap (which would be much easier care and two months of work. similarly for UCL. hurry, but it seems unlikely even for me, let me tell you). Convinced? Another option is that So that leaves us with two then that he has any particluarly Usually in Felix, or at least cer- the whole thing could perhaps be a options. And these are the most misanthropic intentions.) tainly in the news sections, I try to smoke screen to draw attention likely two for me (although my eco- So now onto Top Up Fees. I'm ensure that the amount of opinion away from the whole top up fees nomics isn't up to much, so one of not going to say too much on this is kept to a minimum, and that thing, but really that seems a little them may be completely far one, because I'm afraid, boys and everything that goes in there is fact, over the top, and there would prob- fetched). A merger of this variety is girls, that this is a foregone conclu- however in this editorial section, I ably be an easier way of doing it likely to gain some interest, and if it sion. I truly believe that short of can write whatever I like, which, it that didn't involve another universi- were to go through, it would cer- burning down College that there is should be noticed, is not necessar- ty (even though they can use the tainly be conceivable that the nothing we can do to stop this one. ily what I believe. So you might as well live with it. So before I start, I would like you And to make it slightly easier to live all to hear my warning. I'm an with, let me explain something argumentative old fool, and I very which no-one else probably will. much enjoy playing the devil's We get a lot of money from a advocate. Therefore, since it is fair- group called HEFCE, who give uni- ly likely that all you here about both versities money for fun. This money of our fairly major news items will will now be used to fund bursaries be negative, I'm going to try give for students who really can't afford you some balance (although that to come here, and the idea is that doesn't mean I'm just going to be those who can afford to come here positive). And what's more, I'm will pay. Now this does seem to going to try and do it from a stu- perpetuate a class difference, but dent point of view. even at the moment the statistics Oh, this should be fun. Letters of of financial background at Imperial complaint to [email protected] inci- are pretty worrying, considering the dentally. current system is meant to give So first of all this whole UCL everyone from all backgrounds a merger business. I'm not really sure chance to come here. So now those what's going on here. While, as I who really can't afford it will be have said, we have just reported able to come (they'll be changing this in the news, my personal opin- the system for assessing whether ion is that something very strange you should be 'assisted' or not, is going on here. If this hasn't been hopefully so it will be fair, as in discussion for years, not just a opposed to the current system), few months, then frankly I'm the Another random picture of me, becuase while I have lots to say, I don't and those who can afford it will also come. Which seems fair. monkey's uncle. Two months just have much time to say it... isn't long enough to get something I've just done a quick calculation. of this magnitude sorted out. same smoke screen for the same resulting university would do quite We get £60 million-ish for taught However, having said that, if it had issue on their home turf), so that well in the international market. students. At £10 500 per degree, been going on for longer on any one doesn't really ring true. Thus in this build up before we that pays fully for 5700 of them. serious scale, then the number of It is certainly possible that the become this super university, with Leaving 2300 to pay the full price people who would have to be two colleges are in such dire finan- some careful media manipulation, (less than 30%). Not that it will involved to perform any sensible cial need that a merger such as this it might be possible to persuade work exactly like that, of course, level of analysis would be great is the only way that they can gath- various money-laden organisations becuase it's a sliding scale, but you enough that one of them would er enough cash to extricate them- to give both UCL and ourselves see my point. have let it slip to someone, and selves from it. From the rumours large lumps of cash. We then don't And one final thing to remember: gossip being what it is... that one hears in this kind of job, merge, the world stays a happy this is not some scheme to screw So while the Rector is quite cun- that wouldn't seem so unlikely, place where we can hate non-sci- you around. Your degree may be ning, he's not the sort of man who apart from the fact that I have gone entists in peace, but we can do it in free to you, but it does cost money would enter into this kind of deal through their accounts (which are the comfort of a nice big research to someone: the rest of the British without first getting some pretty on the ic.ac.uk website, if you want funding armchair. That was a clum- public (most of whom didn't have hefty intel on the subject. So what to see them yourself) with a trained sy metaphor, incidentally. the chance to go to University).

[email protected] The student newspaper of Imperial College FELIX COLUMNS 07 Alex Says..

I'd love to be able to cook prop- Three weeks later I threw out smelt as far away as Amersham. I'm supposed to have things like erly and healthily. My diet over four light-green apples which I thought I'd scrap the fruit and "3 cardamom pods, crushed" the last two years has consisted now resembled the bland vegetables plan and decided to and "turmeric powder"? I thought mainly of ready meals, crisps, "Golden Delicious" variety. I'm concentrate on doing actual I was taking it seriously when I chips, burgers, kebabs and pies. sure this is how they are cultivat- cooking. I got "How to Cook" by made the special trip to buy eggs Especially pies. They're easy to ed - if a supermarket hasn't sold Delia Smith. She was arrogant for the first time ever, and now shove in the oven and damn a load of their tangy, flavoursome enough to try to tell me how to you're expecting somebody who tasty, but they haven't done Granny Smiths by their Use By boil an egg! Well, I tried it. can't cook at all to have a full much for my physique. date, just leave your them out in Several boxes of eggs later, I had spice rack? Of course, when I came to uni- the warehouse for a couple of probably successfully cooked I think I'll stick to the pies. My versity, I was a great muscular arteries may completely seize up hunk of a man with biceps the well before I go to pick up my size of trees and capable of lifting first pension payment, but at car parks. Honest. But now I'm Food! least I'll have had 50 years of just a great lardy chunk of a man fool-proof, reasonably tasty with biceps the size of pencils, weeks, and voila, a truckload of enough which weren't cracked or British cuisine, rather trying to and barely capable of picking up apples with all the flavour of practically raw to finally have perfect one of Delia's mad anything much bigger than a pint soggy newspaper which you can some breakfast. recipes. And how would I cope of Guinness. label "Golden Delicious". However, by this time it was with becoming an old man any- I have tried to eat more health- The kilogram of potatoes was 6pm. So I turned the page. "Egg way? Old people smell funny, ily. One day I went to the super- trying unsuccessfully to pretend it and Lentil Curry with Coconut watch Countdown, spend all day market, and I bought four lovely was a house plant, and, following and Picked Lime". Hmm, steady complaining and have all the deep-green Granny Smith apples, several letters of complaint, I now Delia - you've devoted the strength of a particularly feeble five nice ripe bananas and a kilo- threw out the five brown mushy best part of a whole tree telling gerbil. Oh well, it looks like I'm gram of potatoes. bananas which could now be us how to cook an egg and now there already. Alex Warren

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[email protected] The student newspaper of Imperial College FELIX QiGong

Qi gong-strengthens your mind to achieve tense or something else is wrong with your a time-period that dwarfs the western medi- happiness health. It is also hard to achieve happiness cine. Consider also the well-documented Teachings from ancient China-qi gong, are without love. In the words of a famous taiji- results these methods have had on some now taught at Imperial by Prof Zhao Lianting quan master: Chang San-Feng, patients considered terminal by western from China. With the aim of achieving fulfil- ...to those who want to know the way to medicine. Can it not be the case that these ment these exercises are rooted in traditional deal with the world, I suggest, love people. two sciences can learn from one another? Chinese, rather than western science. But do A westerner approaching qi gong will Sadly, although some are open minded to they work, and how should a western scien- encounter some thresholds. The most obvi- teachings expressed in a different theoretical tist react to this very different theoretical ous one appears when a master explains why framework to their own, there is often dogma framework? a certain exercise is performed. Chinese phi- when sciences collide. Stories about priests Want Happiness? Probably. But what do losophy argues that everything has a corre- refusing to look at the results of experiments we really mean by happiness? One could ven- sponding antithesis (yin-yang). Hot defines because they are not in the bible come to ture to say that this question lies at the heart cold, long short, for a sunny side there is a mind. of each human being's life and at nnm The tension between traditional the functioning of a society. You I Chinese science and western sci- may agree that an attempt to define I ence is also clear in China today. happiness will end in something 1 The Chinese government is pushing like: happiness is a state where one for proliferation of western science 'feels happy', and is thus subjec- and seeks to diminish superstitions tively determined. in the populous. As a western sci- A scientist, however, might click entist you would probably find at the word 'state' and say: "states some of the ideas circulating in of happiness could perhaps be China unscientific, as would many identified by looking at people who qi gong masters. It is important feel happy. It should be possible to that perceived superstitions are determine some key variables that met by arguments and evidence they have in common and hence rather than oppression, like in the arrive at a determinable and meas- case of falun gong, lead by a man- urable definition of happiness, with political ambitions - referred albeit originally based on the test to as a charlatan in government persons 'feeling happy'". leaflets. Note that apart from some superstitions, there is serious med- So what do you think these key cal knowledge in China recorded variables would be? Some of you and tested over thousands of years will probably think of very tangible, that should not be denied the concise things, perhaps even the future world. right house, car, good-looking spouse, whatever. The first time I personally Some, be it the Dalai Llama, encountered the qi, a Taoist con- Muslim/Christian priest or a cept similar to energy, was during a Chinese qi gong master, would say gap year in China. A doctor and tai- that this notion of happiness lies at "iquan master performed move- the heart of the problems in the ments around me and behind my western world, amongst others. back that I could feel from meters An alternative view on happiness away. I thought long and hard is to identify other key variables, about whether I could be fooling such as the degree of true love you myself but have not arrived at a have towards yourself and others. Identifying shade etc. Tension between the poles drive reasonable explanation. There appears to be such variables should properly be considered change, e.g. weather effects between high a physical, objective reality behind these one of the main tasks of science. and low temperatures or pressure. The inter- ideas. Western scientists are succeeding in A very specific approach towards achieving change between the two is categorised into explaining some of these sensations in terms happiness can be found in the ancient five elemental phases which need to be har- of electromagnetism, but a complete incorpo- Chinese teaching of qi gong. Prof. Zhao from monised to achieve balance and health. ration of observed phenomena into western the Chinese National Institute for Qi Gong is Western science will agree with some con- science might require expanding the current- now teaching a course here at Imperial. He clusions formed within this framework, like ly accepted limits of the mind's power over formulates the aims of the exercises as (i) the inter-changeability between matter and energy. health (ii) become good person. This is the energy but in general these ideas sound Go to some qi gong classes with Prof. Zhao path to fulfilment, or tao, as it is called. 'unscientific' to someone schooled in a differ- and try for yourself. Properly trained, you will Qi gong thus identifies physical health as a ent environment. learn how to feel good, get more energy and main concern, which you will probably agree Just to open your mind to the possibility move towards fulfilment. You will also get an with from your own experience. It is hard to that qi gong may work, consider that these understanding of a different approach to the be happy when you feel a lack of energy, feel ideas have been tested in a quantity and over world.

[email protected] The student newspaper of Imperial College Subwarden Required NHS1 IC Presents Southwell Hall accommodates 200 undergraduate DIWALI2002 students in a recently renovated residence in R AAS GARRA AND DANDIYA Evelyn Gardens. The wardening team facilitate a 4l 4k 6 ^ l£ # ALCOHOL!

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* Subuuau (203 Carls Court Road) is NOUU OPCN FOR BRCRKFRST from 07.30 a.m. uueekdaus. GRCRT VRLUC H6RLTHV, FRCSH FOOD FOR I.C. STUDCNTS 1 |_JSubuJO U Opening Hours €arls Court Roac J Monday- 07 30 23 45 Carls Court Tuesday 07 . 30 23 45 Underground Wednesday 07 30 23 45 Thursday 07 30 23 45 LUarujick Road 203 €arls Court Rood Friday 07 30 23 45 Carls Court London SUJ5 9flN Saturday 07 30 23 .45 exhibition Tel.: 0207-373-7367 Sunday 09 00 23 .45 Centre Fax.: 0207-373-2548 lO FELIX Your Letters Fresh Chaos of opening that path on princes "instant-recognisability" it seeks. Democracy being attacked under- gardens before in all the years that This name changing mania neath our noses. Hi guys, we blocked Exhibition Road our- apparently arises from a survey The consequences of allowing i was just surprised to read this selves! sent out to IC grads, from which Sir Richard Sykes to run this uni- week's Felix (have I missed one?), some cuckoo deduced that the versity with disregard to the edu- with no mention of the near catas- A Strange Portent world would be instantly enlight- cation and well being of its stu- trophe on Saturday 28th ened if "they" screwed with IC's dents will not only have conse- September... On that Saturday we We received this at the beginning name. Either IC has been gradu- quences for current and future ic had about 800 freshers moving of term, but haven't had a letters ating a whole bunch of elephant students but also for all students into Halls on Princes Gardens, i.e. page yet, as we had no others doctors or the cuckoo got it wrong. over the nation. A retrograde step about 600 cars driving into a 20- until this week - Ed In the cuckoo's defence, asking to pre-war social values of educa- odd space car park. This is a year- the wrong questions can get you tion solely for the rich is clearly ly nightmare as it is, but 'they' Sir, to the wrong answer. It's like ask- not a good thing. (not too sure who to blame) As an ex-pat alum, I've just ing Clinton if he cheated on his We the students must NOT decided that it would be a good noticed that they're trying to wife. stand by and allow this to happen. weekend to block Exhibition Road change our name to "Imperial Imperial College London1. They If in ten years it costs £50000 to with a crane to bring in bulky College London". What next? can't be serious. You want "world do a degree anywhere (not just ic), material to the new management "Harvard University Cambridge"; renown" like MIT?" Pair up with and we had done nothing to stop school building site, on top of "Stanford University Palo Alto"... LSE and a first class US school it, the guilt is on our hands as well that, there was a peace protest That's not going to happen and and advertise the hell out of it. as the Rector's. If these changes march heading to Hyde park, we don't need "London" in our Don't change the letterhead; fire are not stopped here at Imperial, which no staff had bothered name either. the name-changers and hire a quickly they will become wide- checking on to ask help from the Nor, by the way, does anybody world class PR firm instead. spread. traffic police... give a damn that IC is part of Sincerely, I encourage you not to hesitate Luckily, in the end, everything London University. If people want in using your positions as the stu- worked itself out as 'they' opened to brandish around "London David Shaw dents to speak up against fee a path on the side of princes gar- University", then let them go to Physics 70 increases and the lack of respect dens to let cars in. The traffic & Goldsmiths or Birkbeck. for the student body. The voice on security staff were very helpful, They're trying to cure a sick ele- Not Fee-ling positive this needs to be loud and clear wardening & reapp teams were phant by calling it a mouse. and strong: very efficient in helping students They'll just end up with a sick Dear will, STUDENTS MUST COME moving in efficiently, and it all mouse. Changing the name does- Having moved on to study else- FIRST. NO FEE INCREASE. actually worked out much better n't change the problem. Similarly, where I may have no business organised than any previous year. changing IC's name is not going to here. However, it sickens me to Dan Thompson I wonder why 'they' never thought give it the kudos, celebrity, and see that foundations of Social Maths 2002

Imperial College Union Fair Wednesday 6 & Thursday 7, November, 2002 11am—4pm Visit 90 top quality companies interested in recruiting Imperial Students, on three floors of the Union and in a marquee on the Quad. imperial

. _ . _ B r , _ college Beit Quad, Prince Consort Road, London SW7 2BB union

[email protected] The student newspaper of Imperial College 7~r FELIX FILM REVIEWS 11 Screen Welcome to the new and improved(?) Felix I'm not defending my GFQQ crown - apparent- Anyway, hope you find these pages to your lik- Film pages. My name is Simon and I will be ly having access to the writers of the quiz is a ing. If you lot out there in the real world have your editorial guide (until Will comes to his "conflict of interest" or something official any suggestions as to what you want, then feel senses) to all that is great and good in the sounding like that, so I am forced to retire... free to get in touch ([email protected]) and I'll world of film. And yes, this is the reason why unbeaten.... see what I can do. Later...

judgement and partly due to curiosity as to cover of the Tears for Fears track "Mad how sane people view this movie. World". This one will be lined up alongside What did I find? Polar opinions are what. REM and Radiohead on moody teenage Now, anyone who's read far too many compilation CD's by Christmas. reviews (me, for example) knows this is a Don't try to understand, don't try to work good thing. You will either love or hate this it all out - you'll only succeed in blowing a movie, it's that simple. 50-50 chance to fuse. Lie back and enjoy the strangest those of you with a betting streak. If you movie you will see this year. I guarantee fancy a jumpy horror/thriller of the that this is the best film ever made starring Hitchcock persuasion (bearing in mind the a man sized rabbit called Frank. guy is dead and no-one directs a thriller like Alfie) then go see now. You've got a fairly Donnie Darko is released on 25th 1/1/ 1/ good chance of not being disappointed.... October 2002, Cert. 15. This ore is going to be short on the Review My Little Eye was released on 4th and long on the social commentary. Yes, I October, Cert 18 am lazy. Yes, it is getting on for three in the morning. But don't fool yourself into think- Oceans 11 ing these are the reasons I'm being skimpy on the copy. I just don't want to give any- Ahhh what a lovely watch this is! A film to thing away suit all parties, if ever there was one. For I saw this movie in the company of one the boys we have cool gadgets and Mission exceptionally jumpy girlfriend in one very Impossible style stunt work, with the excel- gothic-esque, empty, echo-y cinema - with- lent pairing of Clooney and Pitt in the lead out knowing anything about the film at all. roles. For the girls we have... well, Clooney And this is how I would love you lot to see and Pitt in the lead roles (nb - I checked it too. Its one of those movies that is with a few ladies before writing this and defanged by overly detailed reviews (Heat - they happily confirmed that yes, they have forshame!). Big Brother meets Blair Witch seen/will see/are watching this movie main- head on, with steadier cameras. That sums ly because of the dynamic duo). it up rather nicely I think. A remake of the "classic" Rat Pack film of Five relatively unknown actors 'star' in a the 60's, this is one of those rarest of rari- low-budget suspense/horror movie of the Donnie Darko ties - a cover version that outshines the jumpy persuasion. Their remit is to slum it original. By a long way. The plot centres for a few weeks in the quest for a million around a typically audacious attempt to rob dollars. So long as none of the five lose Freakish high-school kid has run in with some casinos in Las Vegas, a cool premise their bottle early everyone gets a share, the cold, dark rabbit of his soul. No, I am for the cool cast, cool clothes, cool music while the whole thing is broadcast live on not on any prescribed medication - this is and cool dialogue. Thoroughly enjoyable the internet. probably the best description of this movie festival of all that is cool in the world. Billed by the distributors as a film to rival that you will read. Best movie of the year? Psycho and Halloween, expectations among You'll certainly be finding people debating Ocean's 11 was released on 14th horror veterans were huge prior to its that once it hits the multiplexes, because it October 2002, Cert 12 on DVD and video October release in the UK. To my mind they is that good. I bet not one of them can weren't far wrong. I'm not a huge horror explain the damn thing though - I've been What you should be watching.... fan, mainly because I scare too easily, but trying to for about three months (it was out I've watched (and been scared by) my fair in the States in 2001) and the best I can ...at the Movies : My Little Eye (Released 4th share. My Little Eye managed to give me come up is the fifteen word line at the top October, 18) The Fear in a way I have never encountered of this review. before, so it's fair to say I was impressed. For first-time writer/director Richard Kelly ...on TV : Chasing Amy (Saturday 19th The effects (for once aural rather than visu- this is an astonishing debut, bearing more October, 22:35, BBC2) al) are spot on, with some fine musical than a little resemblance to Lynchs best selections - most notably the hugely claus- work. Intriguing and confusing in equal ...on Sky : Almost Famous (Sunday 20th trophobic track "Fuck the Pain Away" by measure with a sharp black humour running October, 22:40, Premier 3) The Peaches. thickly through the plot, Donnie will really I have to be honest and admit that I did a draw you in. The solid soundtrack, filled ...on Video : Oceans 11 (Released 14th little bit of cheating before writing this with eighties staples like Joy Division and October, 12) review. Partly due to lack of faith in my own Duran Duran, is topped off by a wondrous

[email protected] The student newspaper of Imperial College MUSIC REVIEWS FELIX Albums & Singles Nada Surf 3/5 Singles Let Go Fischerspooner - The 15th music and have arrived at the a sad bloke" they explain in com- Doing things with keyboards stage of electronica and emo- plete honesty. This is a bitter- that haven't been done properly pop, Nada Surf know what we've sweet melody which could have in... well, ages, frankly, all been through. They are us - you weeping into your pillow or Fischerspooner's new single Let Go displays signs of heart- dancing the night away depend- has been anticipated in elec- break, loneliness, hope and ing on what you want to listen to tronica-loving circles since moreover, acceptance of how life - desperately sincere lyrics or a 'Emerge' was released at the can be. fast and classic melody you can't beginning of the summer. 'The Older influences are evident in get out of your head. 15th' is a lot more laid-back the pounding beats of Hi-Speed There are some tracks of pure and chilled-out than 'Emerge', Soul. Electronic strings support a brilliance on this album while but is still absolutely breathtak- powerful guitar presence with a others quietly slide into the ng, with cute little moog noises Hats off to Heavenly for another subtlety that New Order would background. Songs such as No and synthesised drum beats angelic performance. Nada Surf do well to learn from. The unde- Quick Fix and Killian's Red are and almost chilling vocals over will make you cry, make you niably catchy chorus and ever- "nice" and there's not a bad the top. If you like electronica, laugh, make you dance around building rhythmic bridges are word to be said about them, but buy this. If you don't like elec- your room and all within the typical of this album. they're not stand-out tracks and tronica, get a taste transplant, space of an hour. Nada Surf are indie kids, pure are perhaps a sign that however and then buy this. As a band that have travelled and simple, and Happy Kid dis- good Nada Surf are - and they 5/5 Jess from nineties Britpop through plays this beautifully. "I'm just a are good - they could be better. meaningless and bland guitar happy kid stuck with the heart of Keira Jetplane Landing - Els Quatre Gats EP Miss Black America 4/5 After the incredible talent that surfaced on their current God Bless Miss Black America album 'Zero For Conduct' and from the amazingly intense gigs widespread indifferent approach draws you in close with intricate at this year's Carling Festival, to our place in the world today. guitar arrangements and then you would expect only the best MBA are trying to lead a revolu- makes you close your eyes and from Jetplane Landing. With tion, and they look determined to smile as the tender vocals of comparisons already being do it in true rock 'n' roll fashion. Seymour Glass rise almost effort- made to At The Drive-ln and Stepping in the political shoes of lessly towards a gentle yet truly RATM, it could be said that the Manic Street Preachers and effective climax. For a band that they are in the making to be our the punky routes of The Clash, have been compared to punk next rock and roll saviours.lt here are a bunch of guys who are legends the Sex Pistols, MBA could be, but it shouldn't. trying to save us from the soul- sure know how to pull your The four tracks that make up destroying apathy of today's heart-strings when they choose Els Quatre Gats lack the melod youth and they're gonna have a to and you'll find yourself wish- ic structure of previous Jetplane damn good time while they're ing this beauty of a track would Landing material and seem to They've already teased and doing it. never end. contain the same political taunted us with the soulful yet Talk Hard is by far the best Some may consider this mas- standing of the latest Shakira hard rocking singles Infinite track on this album. The softer terpiece to be emo-punk but release. Chinese Box and Talk Hard but verses allow MBA to really bring please let's not diminish its sig- Rather than the usual individ at last our appetites can finally their feelings through; it's almost nificance by labelling it in such a ual and captivating style of be satisfied. This is an album of heart-breaking to hear as they way. This album has far too Jetplane Landing, this EP a band who know what we need, desperately try to persuade us much raw power, too many intel- seems to mimic early Seafood what music fans need now after that we can do anything we feel. ligently crafted lyrics and more material with a bit more thrash the ever-growing catalogue of Contrasts of punky guitar importantly, too much meaning thrown in to attract any metal New York punk rock. This is the bridges, delicate melodies sup- to be hidden away in some NME- head wannabes. music that matters and the porting sincere lyrics and unfor- crafted subcategory. My Fundamental Flow is the music that should be listened to. gettable choruses really allow "And you say 'rock 'n' roll better taster of how the usually So much popular music focus- the band to show their ever- destroys the soul?' I say, 'BITE brilliant Jetplane Landing can es on the hardships and down- expanding talent. They are a ME'", they screech in the open- sound. It shows signs of a far1 falls of love, and though this may band of passion and self-belief ing track. MBA are fed up with deeper intellect among the be a significant concern for and they know how to stir the the way they've been put down group and has some great gui- today's youth, the time has come same furious determination in all their lives and this time tar arrangements that are clev- for the spotlight to fall on a more each one of us. there's just no stopping them. imperative issue - that being the The closing track Montana And who'd want to? Keira (continued on panel opposite)]

[email protected] The student newspaper of Imperial College FELIX MUSIC REVIEWS 13 Albums & Singles McAlmont and Butler 3/5 Singles

Bring It Back {(continued)

substance to their music or are guitar solos get longer to create a erly used to underline the pas- they destined to flitter out of the cacophony of inviting sounds. sionate emotions of the track. limelight again? Well, on the However the overall affect is to As for the usual political strength of the first track, the make you think that they are try- angst that Jetplane Landing intriguingly titled "Theme From", ing too hard to make each song seemingly love to deliver - if! you hope they carry on forever as into a single. you wanna piss off your parents this track that has anthem writ- There are exceptions, Blue for by jumping around your room ten all over it with is luscious big example is a song that could with your stereo on far too loud sound strings and funky beats, easily have been pulled from one a volume then this is the track mixed with hardwired guitar riffs. of Butler's solo albums and the for you - but if you're after This is a song that shows the rather mismatched vocal range some decent and meaningful obvious potential that the duo possibly supports this idea. music, look elsewhere. possess with Butler's knowledge Overall there is plenty to suggest I'm not saying this isn't good of merging rock and blues future greatness, but it needs to music, it's just not the best Bernard Butler once of Suede has together with McAlmont's ability all come together at the same they've done and surely if been described in some quarters to write soulful tunes and unique time and not in patches, but the you're gonna do a job at all, you as the best all-round guitarist voice. album is worth a listen for those might as well do it well since Clapton. But he has also Unfortunately the promise of patches alone. Tank 2/5 Keira been painted as the most difficult this opening rarely resurfaces man to work with due to the fact later in the album. Only current that he has split with all his writ- singles Falling and Bring it Back COMPETITION TIME The Pattern: Nothing Of Value ing partners citing "musical differ- show any desire to stay with the Listen up! The world is ences". So after his hit and miss now and not revert back to a sort Would you like to win a signed changing. T-shirts and com- solo career was put to rest he has of Motown throwback tribute copy of The Libertines 'Up the bats: Not cool. Sharp shirts and returned to work with other diffi- band. Most of the songs follow a Bracket' album? skimpy pants: Right on! Flabby cult artist David McAlmont who similar pattern of either blues or If you do, please email emotional ballads about losing he had a semi-successful partner- funk guitars and background [email protected] with your your bird by the light of a sil- ship with back in 1995 with sin- strings that often rise to the fore. name and department, before very moon: Shit. But blistering gle Yes going top 10. Then with the song in full swing Thursday 17th October and the ballsy punk rock soul boogies So have the years added more the vocals go up higher and the first reader to reply will win. like this are THE shit. It's amazing that some peo pie get wound up when a band Various 1/5 gets attention like this. "Oh really," they moan, picking up Diamond Gods - Interpretations of Bowie their fifth slice of pizza while simultaneously dusting the has some of the most recognisable Mars but it just doesn't quite work crumbs from the last slice off and loved songs of the last centu- on the whole. Blondie are repre- their beer gut, "I hate it when ry. But its is difficult to see how sented here with their live version bands get hyped. They're so getting a bunch of has-been of Heroes and this is pretty good, crap, and it's all ripped off singers (Buster Bloodvessel and which is what you expect of a [insert ill-informed 60's / 70's Hazel O'Connor) and new up and band of their quality. The only reference based on something coming acts (David Fisher) plus sour note is the persistent spacey their mate told them drunk some never heard of before to do like noisy that runs throughout. once] anyway." "Yeah," agrees so is good music. Admittedly, Tacye's cover of The Man Who some of the tracks are quite good Sold The World is worth a men- (continued on panel on pl4)\ but overall you get the feeling of tion only for the fact that they at union bands trying to copy the least have tried to do something COMPETITION NEWS great man. completely different, but again David Bowie: Music legend, The start is quite promising with their techno beats just don't work. Well done to Katy Cooper, of famous for Ziggy Stardust (Birth Iva Davies & Icehouse performing The album is also not helped by Electrical Engineering II who and Death) recognised as one of a rather haunting version of Loving the fact that two songs on here are won the Alabama 3 competi- the greatest songwriters of all-time the Alien. The track is an acoustic covered twice by different artists tion. and general all round weird guy. version with the different layers the sole purpose of which seems This album is, like the man, a beautifully merging into each to be that you can compare how She correctly answered the mixture of the good and the down- other to create a version possible bad they are. So overall this question, that Lynyrd Skynyrd right incomprehensible. better then the original (well at album is not worth the effort apart released Sweet Home It's easy to see why people least on par). EN do a passable for the first song. Alabama. would want to cover Bowie, as he Apollo 440 style version of Life on Tank

[email protected] The student newspaper of Imperial College 14 MUSIC REVIEWS FELIX Live Review The Libertines 5/5 Singles

London 100 Club, Friday 4th October [(continued)

said mate, running his greasy fingers through his sad-looking 'Gallagher' barnet, "Give me Paul Weller any day. He's so innovative. On his last album he had a record 17 different Hammond organs." Your fucking stepmother lis tens to Coldplay, and this is a woman who thought Art Garfunkel was sexy. Put this on loud next time she comes round, throw your clothes on the floor and leave a few lines of talc on the dresser: you won't regret it. Joe Parker

Queen Adreena - FM Doll It's the return of Katie-Jane and her temper tantrums. Intense to the max, screaming from the outset, she makes the The smell of anticipation is more jackets and home-made shirts, no stopping possibly one of the whole room vibrate with her than apparent as we walk the lads seem somewhat unnatu- greatest nights the 100 Club has sharp crescendo and skillfully through the door (or is that just rally calm despite the screaming ever seen. made background noise. It's the result of a few hundred peo- expectations of the crowd. They The recent nationwide tour has typical ragged Queen Adreena ple squeezed beneath the streets pick up their instruments and get obviously had an extremely posi- full frontal sonic assault, show' of London?). People, it would straight down to business. And as tive effect on the band and the set ing the abandonment of their seem, are desperate to see what soon as they do, any fears of dis- is tight, together and kicking wispier dark faerie side, which could be one of the most exciting appointment from the crowd are rock-ass. A mutter of an introduc- is reminiscent of their new British bands in the last five immediately dissolved. As that tion is the only thing we hear album. Two minutes later, it's years, with tickets outside the first beat resonates through the from frontman Peter Doherty but more of the same with the venue selling for about three floor, there is no stopping the true the band provide enough of an same vibrant energy, yet unbe- times their original price. The punk spirit behind the fresh and on-stage presence without the lievably enjoyable, and energiz- Libertines have some high stan- frantic melodies of these four need of witty repertoire - the ing despite my not being able to dards to live up to. young locals. music speaks for itself. work out what she's saying. But before the band has a Up The Bracket comes second The Libertines don't show any Dark, subversive and metallic chance to reward the dedicated on the setlist - an unusual place danger of disappointing through- fun. crowd, Pearl emerge onstage for a band's latest single, but out all of tonight's forty minute 4/5 Sajini offering sweet female vocals to that's because the boys have no set. The pure rock attitude and soothe any heated tempers. The need or wish to finish with a sure unquestionable energy is absolute COMPETITION TIME music attempts to mesmerise the thing. in every member of the band and crowd but the truth is that with As it turns out, every track of it doesn't stop there. Onlookers How do you fancy winning a the buzz surrounding tonight's the set is an ingenious fusion of are helplessly infected with the copy of the new Safri Duo headliners, this really isn't the energetic riffs and pure rock pas- same dynamic stance and sud- album? Felix has one copy to time or place for such delicate sion, and this little wonder is no denly feel an impulse to become give away, along with Bonus melody. exception. Apart from the few at a greater part of the experience Remix CD to one lucky winner. It's sad to admit but without the back gasping for water, the tonight. All you have to do is answer the presence of the lead-singer's whole crowd is moving - legs and As the last note of the chart hit the very simple question - husband - Supergrass' Danny arms flying in every direction, / Get Along fades away, the Glover - on drums, it looks doubt- absolutely everyone is dancing. crowd is divided into three groups Which country are the Safri ful anyone would have looked up The crowd tonight are up for a - those who are rushing to snatch Duo from? from their pints. A tragic and good time and The Libertines are a setlist, those fighting to grab a unfair oversight to make. damn well going to give them Libertine and those left lying on Email to the usual place. Finally it's time for the long- one. the floor wondering if it really was [email protected] awaited Libertines to make an By the time the opening of the best gig of their lives. appearance. Kitted out in vintage What A Waster fires up, there is Keira

[email protected] The student newspaper of Imperial College Citigroup would like to invite you to This year, Brian helped design attend our Technology Presentation a worldwide trading network. on 22nd October, 6:30pm in Lecture At Citigroup, we can make careers happen-sometimes very quickly. That's Theatre 207, Civil Engineering because, as the world's leading financial services firm, we value talent and Building. Please see your careers innovative thinking. The choices at Citigroup are only as limited as your service for further details. aspirations and imagination. To find out more about careers at Citigroup, go to Citigroup.com.

© 2002 Salomon Smith Barney Inc. Member SIPC. Citigroup and the Umbrella Device are citigroupj trademarks and service marks of Citicorp and are used and registered throughout the world. Salomon Smith Barney and Citibank are affiliated companies under the common control of Salomon Smith Barney & Citibank Citigroup. Citibank and Salomon Smith Barney are equal opportunity employers M/F/D/V. 16 WEBSITE REVIEWS FELIX cellspacing II border II Ir III align riylil inlign Indium n hrel-htlp:/^gnogle.comHoig src-/images/resuj| all "lln tiCmfc Ileum" tarder II widlh-llll height lill a III hhaliigi liiiltimi - a hnil lill|i: 'KWK.guogle.coin mm sn: images resl.gil bur IIIT II lidlh III: lii'iiihl 58 .ill :i ill lil lalmii Imll In Hi m.g ma Mini sri mjs IBZ.IIII %|IH II linijlii .'ill all"" a Id <1r i™ align righl valignlnp classh li llohsp.- h Id Id valign ligi a hrel-hltp://www.goagle. i iing sn; imagesreslgil liiiriliir I ifl llfll H I JMP^ % M I fl ftlylBiiilliJlftiilisp; Imil Id Ir table Id III mump linil sin I a linil advanced search?q nebsiteTeviewsGhl-enlllr Die ll'ITII Idiaill _| I I ^rJWiHiijiiiBllaliMu^ B |MfflAeflJr AISSM enGlr Die - DTr-8-Pref erences"/a-Gnbsp;Snbsp;Bnbsp;Snbsp; a lirel /language ImilsTq Kehsilemiews8hl-enGlr*-G'n'8>Language W/MlHvlbs^lHvHviRclilliil^ nainegs raelhod-lin ai:limi smin:li iipl Igpe hidden name-Id value "en" - inpul Igpe hidden name-lr valuc-""-inpul Igpe hidden name in value "ISIIWIIIIH" input Igpe text name q size III maslenglh 2IM1 value-'wcbsile nivinis" Imil size I- -input Igpe submit name blnli value-"Google Search" span Stop abuse of music through karaoke

Ok, how annoying is it when you have all the the way that the web site is funded and I think words to a song worked out except one line it is worth putting up with them because of the that you cannot make out the lyrics to? Anyone comprehensive nature of this site. who has a habit of singing along (very badly in I don't think a song is worth listening to if my case) will treat this web site as their bible. you can't sing along, forget the dance, trance, 1 Every song you can think of that has ever been techno rubbish if it ain't got words it ain't prop- released can be found on this site - although if er music. (I will now get pulverised by the you manage to think of a song not here please music editors). I have ruined many good songs % don't bother to tell me about it. It is really sim- by singing along to them and now I am fully — ple to use, search by lyrics or by author to find armed and extremely dangerous. CPtS lJ t the song you are looking for and the lyrics are So now when you start to sing along you can written out very plainly. actually know the lyrics, or if an argument The problem with this site is the adverts, starts up in a semi drunken state it can be eas- 'When a man loves a chicken', but, no longer rather a lot of them, flashing and flickering at ily sorted. We actually managed to convince will this be a source of entertainment because the edges of your screen and popping up in someone once that 'When a man loves a this web site will settle all such arguments in a their usual annoying fashion. Obviously this is woman' (you know the one) actually said flash. www.reallyrics.cam

Calling all alcoholics Term of the Week: BIOS Admittedly cocktails are an expensive way to ^:;rv:-^8 . . drink alcohol and expensive is often a bad idea This stands for Basic Input/Output System, it on a student budget. However, if you and a few is very basic software that is built into your friends (supposing you have some) make an .!!5HT!!. computer so you can use it without a disk. investment into certain highly alcoholic bever- It can be found on your ROM chip (if you ages and the most exciting thing you can come look really closely - it is quite small), this up with is the classic vodka and orange then means that when there is a disk failure you this is a pretty good place to look for further can still use things like your mouse, key- inspiration. board, screen etc. However, your RAM is This entire website is dedicated to cocktails, faster than your ROM (it's true, I raced them and while there are quite a few websites of this across the office) so in many computers, nature, this one seems to be the easiest, most J3SL when you startup, your BIOS is copied from straightforward to use. your ROM to your RAM. This copying is A simple search system allows you to look Ok, so it looks a little grey, but by the time known as shadowing. for a drink by name or by ingredient and there you have finished here everything will be So three cheers for BIOS because it's good. are plenty of different recipes to browse blurred into a great grey mess anyway. through. The website includes webtenders weekly top 20, all time top 100 and best drinks chart (voted for by site visitors). There is From the dotMeister also a comprehensive list of drinking games some of which are not for the faint-hearted. Oh dear it is that time again. The time where The Jerry Springer game involves watching an I start typing rubbish and you stop reading. It episode and taking a shot of beer every beep, seems only five seconds since I was sitting every fight, whenever a guest comes on with a here typing last week's drivel. prop, whenever someone says the name of the Anyway, suppose I ought to say something show, if you get confused during the final vaguely constructive. This week is what I thought as well as many other rules resulting would consider the best of the cocktail recipe in further shots. This can get rather complicat- web sites, after extensive research naturally. ed so there are much simpler, solely verbal Secondly, I present to you the ultimate karaoke ones for the less well organised. aid. So, you are making the great mistake of Go forth, enjoy this lovely little site that will having a house party, well now you can pro- surely provide for all your spiritual needs Emily the (miniature) armadillo meets Will vide the lyrics to the cheesy music that will (sorry, I really apologise, very bad joke). the editor and he seems mighty pleased. inevitably be played at the end of the evening. Jenny www. webtender.com

[email protected] The student newspaper of Imperial College FELIX 17 News in Brief Mission to Mars? Pill camera Bid to clone humans?

Apollo astronaut Dr David Scott, speaking at a A camera the size of a pill has been tested by The scientists who cloned Dolly the sheep at debate on space exploration, has said that one a patient at the Royal Hallamshire hospital in the Roslin Institute in Edinburgh plan to put in day man will walk on Mars. He argues that the Sheffield, giving detailed pictures of her diges- an application to clone human embryos within technology is available but prohibitive costs tive system. The camera measures 26 mm by six months. Professor Ian Wilmut would like to mean that it might not happen for hundreds of 11 mm and passes colour images to a belt unit produce stem cells using the same technique years. worn for the eight hours it takes to travel that produced Dolly. He would grow stem cells Robots and probes are capable of doing all through the body. The images can be watched that could be used in the treatment of heart the work carried out by astronauts on the moon by doctors to diagnose problems in the small disease or Parkinson's disease, for example. but Dr Scott thinks that man will want to see intestine, which would normally require the The application would have to be approved by for himself. use of an endoscope or barium meal. four ethics committees.

On the pathfinder mission, images were New camera the size of a pill could revolu- Dolly the Sheep was the first successfully taken using rover robots tionise medical diagnosis cloned animal

Dr Scott advised that a manned trip should Dr Mark McAlindon said: "This is a major The Scottish Catholic church is strongly include poets and writers, versed in skills such advance. It provides a far better picture of the against any research involving human as communication and metaphor who could small intestine. ... Now we can see all five plus embryos. A spokesman said: "An embryo is a convey the "beauty of space" to humanity bet- metres of it". human life with potential. To use that as a ter than scientists. He also thinks that space The patient, 26 year old Joanne Rossall, means to someone else's end - however well tourists should have a place in helping to said: "I was quite worried that it wouldn't go intended - is wrong". advance space exploration. As his colleague down. I generally get stomach pains but this Professor Wilmut said in January that Dolly Professor Pillinger says, space tourism was "no was no worse than normal". While the camera has arthritis, possibly because of genetic bad thing". was inside her, Joanne carried on her life as defects introduced in the cloning process. He "It's going to make space exploration go normal, by having lunch and going for a long thinks that all clones are possibly genetically much faster". walk. defective. Editorial I need 20 rubber chickens, all Wanted: This is the first installment of a with squeakers... weekly science column, and was prepared by me during a Sunday An essential skill as a scientist is up an isotope decay to trigger a visit to my parents-in-law. In the to be able to write convincing squeezer that squeaks the chick- Science future I would like to include con- research proposals to get that all- en. Or maybe you are interested in tributions from students in all IC important funding. In order to creating exotic chicken breeds (or departments, so if you fancy lighten up the science pages of perhaps even "anti-chickens") by Writers being a science or technology Felix, I would like you, dear read- colliding high velocity rubber writer then contact me at rose- er, to set your mind to writing, in chickens into a target. [email protected] with 100 to 200 words, a proposal for Send your proposals to rose- Contact your ideas. In upcoming issues an experiment or project that [email protected]. there will hopefully be articles requires the items described in the [email protected] from IC scientists and engineers, title of this section, namely twenty and also from other research lab- rubber chickens, all with squeak- with your ideas oratories across the country, but I ers. bring you this week's column Perhaps you want to investigate mainly from the BBC web pages. "Schrodinger's chicken" by setting

[email protected] The student newspaper of Imperial College 18 BOOK REVIEWS FELIX

A Certain Justice Bad Heir Day Cocaine Nights P. D. James Wendy Holden J. G. Ballard

This is the first R D. James novel I've read and Ok, so this is not a highly intellectual book but Oh dear, will everyone please do me a favour - I'm hooked. I love a really good whodunit and if you like to escape into a different world with- do not buy this book. It is not good. In fact, I this is the genre at its best. James tosses your out having to occupy any brain cells, then this will go further than that and say I really did not imagination around so that at the final con- does a pretty good job of creating a suitable enjoy reading this. The sole reason I finished it frontation with the murderer you have suspect- world for you. was because of you guys. I decided that if I ed and disregarded just about every character Anna Farrier begins the novel in a live-in rela- was going to be this rude about a book then I in the book. tionship with a gorgeous heir called Seb really ought to have finished reading it. Less a Adam Dalgliesh is the chief investigator; he Lavenham. Unfortunately he is also a complete novel about the deleterious effects of cocaine and his team were brought in because of the nightmare to be with and live with. Anna starts on a society and more an advertisement for high social standing of some of those involved. to have doubts despite being head over heels in how "cool" the author thinks he is. If you only Venetia Aldridge, QC, is a brilliant, ambitious love with him. After receiving advice from her read these reviews to find a good book, then woman with the ability to rub everyone she new friend, Gina, she leaves an advertisement stop now. If, however, you want to listen to me meets up the wrong way. This includes her ex- in the Kensington library to try and find a place having a good moan or you're incredibly bored husband, his new wife and child, her own as an author's assistant. She takes up a posi- then carry on. Either way, it makes no differ- eighteen year old daughter, her boss, her col- tion as an assistant to the famous novelist, ence to me because I've still got this printed leagues. In fact, the best thing that anyone can Cassandra Knight, with the intention of and off my 34D chest. say about her after her death is that she was a advancing her plans for being an author her- Frank Prentice admits to quintuple murders "brilliant lawyer". So Dalgliesh is not short of self. However, she in fact ends up as a general to the shock of the many people who know and suspects, since the murder took place in scivvy pandering to Cassandra's every need, love him. Frank's brother Charles is informed Chambers it had to be committed by someone and nanny to her appaling child, Zac. Zac who and sets off to try and discover the truth since with a key or someone whom she knew well finds it funny to put cereal in Anna's hair on the he cannot believe that his brother could do enough to let in. There is also a strangely sym- way to school. Zac, whose sole aim is to make such a thing either. All this takes place in a bolic act of desecration to the murdered body his nanny's life hell and is very good at it. Zac, sexy Spanish resort for British people with far of Ms Aldridge which adds another dimension who has been through five different nannies in too much money and far too little sense. The to it as far as the investigating officers are con- twelve months. sophisticated appearance of the resort at first cerned. For me the most wonderful thing about this impresses and stuns Charles but soon he dis- The police have the added problem of deal- book is what the Literary Review describes as covers that this is, in fact, a smoke-screen cov- ing with lawyers who are skilled at the art of the "nanny mafia". The idea is that nannies ering up a society with an insatiable and dan- not telling the whole truth without actually conspire to create a demand so that they have gerous desire for fun and leisure. This novel lying. This results in obstructions and problems better working conditions than their employers, could be viewed as a sociological study when which slow their progress. These sometimes with posh cars, holidays organised around their Charles takes charge of the creation of a new political, sometimes selfish acts have serious demands plus fantastic accommodation. The leisure plaza. He attempts to establish a com- ramifications in the end as another murder sole purpose of the nannies, male and female, munity in a limited time scale and in the takes place. This time, the prime suspect for is to capture a rich, important partner and Gina process of doing this he discovers the weaker, the murder of Venetia Aldridge is the victim, takes it upon herself to find Anna a suitable more brutal side of human nature. but is it the same murderer? It has to be con- match. This match ends up being yet another What really confuses me is the number of nected, but it is difficult to see how. As the con- gorgeous heir, this time to a Scottish castle, brilliant write-ups this book seems to have nections become clearer and the murderer's Jamie. Anna begins to develop an attraction to received from critics. I think that it could be identity emerges, there is a race to stop further him before her break up with Seb and contin- due to the fact that this book was short listed deaths. ues feeling it at a chance meeting while acting for a Whitbread award. Once one 'literary James also questions our morals, when is a as nanny to Zac. It is Anna's tendency to get genius' has decided it is to be a modern clas- crime not a crime? Is our justice system right if involved with men who are heirs to a fortune sic the rest follow in a somewhat disappointing someone who is known to be guilty can be let that provides the title for this book. fashion. Reading is a personal and individual off by a jury? Innocent until proven guilty? Are This is a cheeky, cheerful book with a very experience, so I cannot guarantee that you will some crimes forgivable under certain circum- humourous take on the life of the upper class dislike this as much as I did. I can only give stances? wannabes. It is an amusing tale, with stereo- you my opinion, which is what this column is P. D. James has written an evocative, typical characters resulting in a fun, entertain- for. I think it was a waste of good trees and will thought provoking mystery that I thoroughly ing story of life's little problems and bigger be a waste of your good money if you buy it. So enjoyed reading and hope you will too. mishaps. don't.

Published by Faber and Faber Ltd. Published by Headline Published by Flamingo ISBN: 0-571-19541-5 ISBN: 0-7472-6130-X ISBN 0-00-655064-9 £9.99 £5.99 £6.99 Jenny

[email protected] The student newspaper of Imperial College FELIX 19 Felix Crossword 1244 By Mummy Huffwell

Across 2 Can internet provider con- I Direct sea. (7) tain love God? (7) 5 Stopped drab toe awk- 3 Winning margin in second- wardly. (7) class competition supports 9 Chariot mangles bean. (7) head. (4,5) 10 Shops take rents from clos- 4 Flat error discovered in the ets. (7) future. (5) II Blown fruit? (9) 5 Unknown arse, why moon 12 Ga-ga about Dario? (5) around inside?. (9) 13 Saucy Dance? (5) 6 Idiot Terrance found inside 14 Model professional will be animal. (5) class. (9) 7 Stay due for part of week. 16 Invertebrate has six points (7) and a lip. (7) 8 To get rid of, perish with 18 Eat it during exercise. (3- quiet SOS. (7) 2) 14 Horribly, dupes on my 21 Two men belong to the alias. (9) Windsors? (5) 15 Hormone resembles green 23 Set out, make crate badly. soot. (9) (9) 16 Man enclosing crashed 25 Painfully nail roe flap. (7) vehicles makes wounding 26 Escorts return unaccompa- comments. (7) nied after concert. (7) 17 Perfect learners immerse 27 Opposing mothers sur- themselves in woeful DIY round dishonourable bloke and one club. (7) on road. (7) 19 Boat creates hollow leer 28 Able to make right sad, are after horrible wart. (7) unfounded rumours. (7) 20 Sleep as makes happy. (7) 22 London Union to purge CUT & BLOW DRY Down ghastly colours. (5) 1 Companions beds contain, 24 Publication of college is BY OUR TOP STYLISTS we hear, prostitutes. (7) amazing. (5)

£20 IADIES Welcome once again to wordy wonderland, where this week, you £17 MEN have been warned, even this page is contagious. Fudge and I are Normal Price £35 both seriously ill with lexicographic diarrhoea and spent the week- end in bed, separately sadly, but this seems only to have increased ACCESS VISA MASTERCARD CASH CHEQUES our snivelling and suffering. It is a good job then, maybe even a delight, that next week's offering will come from a surprise source. So surprising in fact that we don't know where, but you can rest assured that suspect quality will always be the cornerstone of our 'Still the best student offer!' crossword compiling principles. It is with this in mind that you should bow down in awe of all those who correctly completed last week's grid, including the winner, Neil Marsh, Physics II. 15a Harrington Rod All entries will be placed in Fudge's tombola at the end of the year and the name drawn out will win a prize so sublimely expen- South Kensington sive as to be really, honestly, unsuitable for any self-respecting stu- dent. To participate in this extravaganza, simply bring your answers (and a large wad of cash to stand a chance of winning) London SW73ES down to the office located in Beit Quad West Wing basement or email them to [email protected]. I must now go before I'm §J (lMkttt walk from forcibly fed free beer. MH

km Tukj Answers to 1243 Across: Crudity, Award, Applauded, Isolate, Forecasts, Ma, Pirated, Staircase, Guarantee, Gallops, Go, Theme Park, Origami, Cordially, Doses, Scanned. Down: Chaff, Dullest, Tsunami, Abhorrent, Advantage, Depends, Disparage, Sarcastic, Is, Shillings, Argonauts, Aground, Up, Nomadic, Explain, Keyed. [email protected] Make sure all entries have your name, department and year clearly marked Imperial College Union, Beit Quad, Prince Consort Road 'imperial college union

Wednesday October 23 8:00-1:00 (Bar 'til 12) 1 £1.00 Union/£1.50 Guests/£.50 P2P/0/ P2P members must enter before 10pm for their discount to be valid FELIX COFFEE BREAK

GFQQ MK II by Bobby Cyclops & Dr Hot Fudge THE GREAT FELIX QUOTES QUIZ

THE QUOTES llA i\GS

1. "As you wish!" In very much a similar way as Dracula in the film 'Dracula's Dead', in which the aforementioned Count is raised from the dead in a particularly unlikely 2. "I see you shiver with antici pation." way (but not, in fact by a pig passing by Castle Dracula on a Tuesday play- ing a banjo), I, the turnip of destiny, have return-ed to wreak mighty havoc 3. "The meanies are coming!" upon your unsuspecting cerebella. Some of you may not remember me at all, your youth still flowering like a geranium, but the older, and perhaps better 4. "You obviously have no idea who you're fucking with!" of you will certainly recall the fiendish way I taxed your minds with such clues as "Rub oil around large breasts for phallic fun! (5)". Ah, the days. But 5. "If only you could see what I've seen with your eyes..." why have I returned, you may ask, consternation dripping from every pore... drip. drip. drip. Mmmsk!... It involves a freak accident with three paw-paw, 6. "I'm sorry, Dave, but I'm afraid I can't do that." a violin, not to mention a large bowl of banana custard. Suffice to say that the good Doctor and his monocular compatriot are temporarily engaged else- 7. "Imagine the size of his balls... Imagine getting into a fight with the where, allowing me to wreak my vengeance on the unsuspecting Coffee fucker..." Break page (and my, how it's grown...) —"Please, I don't feel well" Anyway, the point of all this is that I am Turnip Henry the instigator of all "That's what you'd say, but that wouldn't wash with Geoff. He'd this madness: all who hear my name tremble at the sight of my visage. And want some pleading first. He'd probably tell you what he was going so to end, because I'm running low on melodrama, I will tell you this: to do before he actually did it. I'm going to rip your head off. No, "A damsel with a dulcimer, in a vision once I saw. It was an Abyssinian please, don't rip my head off. I'm going to rip your head off, because maid, and on her dulcimer she played, singing of Mount Abora. And should I don't like your head." I revive within me her symphony and song? Oh, with what delight t'would win me, as with music, loud and long, she'd build that sunny dome in air; ANSWERS TO GFQQ 1242 that sunny dome, those caves of ice, and all who heard should see him there, and all should cry beware, beware, his flashing eyes, his floating hair. 1. Chunk/Jeff B. Cohen - Goonies For he on honey dew has fed, and drunk the milk of paradise." Mouth/Corey Feldman

2. Spiderman/Toby Maguire - Spiderman

3. Nick/Christopher Walken - The Deer Hunter

4. Annie Wilkes/Kathy Bates - Misery

5. Yoda/Frank Oz - Star Wars Episode II - Battle Of The Clones

6. Shooter McGavin/Christopher McDonald - Happy Gilmore Happy Gilmore/Adam Sandler

7. Marsellus Wallace/Ving Rhames - Pulp Fiction

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[email protected] The student newspaper of Imperial College ©ft 22 COFFEE BREAK FELIX (iFLQ (THE FIRST ONE) THE GREAT FELIX LYRICS QUIZ

LEADER BOARDS THE LYRICS

GFLQ GFQQ 1. "Quick to the point, to the point no fakin'. Cookin' MCs like a pound of bacon." Name Score Name Score 2. "Hey. You kids. Come here a minute: I've gotta good thing for you." 50D (Roland Burton) 22 JMC4 Coalition (A Rogers) 16 B. Walker & 0. Rd. Mass. 20.5 Chris Ince 16 3. "What am 1 doing here? Your face is a mess... you walk back in the Chris Ince 20.5 Dave Roberts 16 room, and you put on your dress." Christopher Dent 20.5 Jennifer Williams 16 Jennifer Williams 20.5 50D (Roland Burton) 16 4. "Squeeze me baby, 'till the juice runs down my leg. The way you Samuel Jackson 20.5 Samuel Jackson 16 squeeze my lemon, I'm gonna fall right out of bed.." JMC4 Coalition (A Rogers) 20 B. Walker & 0. Rd. Mass. 14.5 David Mercer 20 Christopher Dent 14.5 5. "Here she comes like a brand new day - belly dancing across the Rosemary Chandler 19.5 David Mercer 14.5 room" Anthony Jude Rodrigues 11 Rosemary Chandler 14 Chris Tickner 11 Anthony Jude Rodrigues 8 6. "He'd end up blowing all his wages for the week: All for a cuddle and Christopher Pollock 11 Geoff Lay 8 a peck on the cheek" Geoff Lay 11 John Anderson 8 John Anderson 11 Richard Hutchinson 8 7. "And 1 dreamed your dream for you and now your dream is real, p.lahoud 11 Alexander Plato 6.5 how can you look at me as if 1 was just another one of your deals" Richard Hutchinson 9.5 Chris Tickner 6.5 Pippa 9 Laura Borrer Closs 6.5 8. "And 1 wish you all the love in the world, but most of all, 1 wish it Ruth Loeffler 9 Peter Warman 6.5 from myself" Rebecca Newman 8.5 R. Chandrashkara 6.5 Dan Plant 8 Ruth Loeffler 6.5 9. "In my commitment to staying away from guilt, 1 feel no emotion for Leo Harrison 8 Ivanka Mandzij 6 those 1 have gone and killed" Richard Moore 8 Luke McManus 6 Ben Dudson 7 Richard Moore 6 10 . "Conversations, hesitations in my mind - you got my conscience Luke McManus 7 Carl Isgren 5.5 asking questions that 1 can't find " Kev Fox 6 Leo Harrison 4.5 Richard Byrne 4.5 Rebecca Newman 4.5 Christopher Pollock 4 Tom Badran 4 Ben Dudson 3 ANSWERS TO GFLQ 1242 Kev Fox 0.5 l. Radiohead - Climbing Up The Walls IJLTRALEAGIJE 2. Rolling Stones - Ruby Tuesday 3. Bon Jovi - Living On A Prayer Name Score Name Score 4. Bryan Adams - Summer Of '69 50D (Roland Burton) 38 John Anderson 19 Chris Ince 36.5 Chris Tickner 17.5 5. Stereophonies - Nice To Be Out Jennifer Williams 36.5 Richard Hutchinson 17.5 Samuel Jackson 36.5 Ruth Loeffler 15.5 6. Thin Lizzy - The Boys Are Back In Town JMC4 Coalition (A Rogers) 36 Christopher Pollock 15 B. Walker & 0 Rd. Mass. 35 Richard Moore 14 7. The Pogues, Feat Kirsty McColl - A Fairytale Of New York Christopher Dent 35 Luke McManus 13 David Mercer 34.5 Rebecca Newman 13 8. Coolio - Gangsta's Paradise Rosemary Chandler 33.5 Leo Harrison 12.5 Anthony Jude Rodrigues 19 Ben Dudson 10 9. MC Hammer - You Can't Touch This Geoff Lay 19 Kev Fox 6.5 10. Michael Jackson - Wanna Be Startin' Something

[email protected] The Great Felix Film Quiz FELIX SPORT ICSM founder

ICSM 115-6 Birkbeck keeper from the starting whistle. Due to his Goliath-like propor- get annoying as this time Birkbeck ICSM was rewarded after only 7 tions, he managed to provide our went ahead when Fleming our The ICSM 2nd eleven strode out minutes after when the new fresh- defenders with a fair amount of keeper, who decided to cover his onto the sunny pitches at er signing 'Texan Mike' who domi- trouble, but Brick organised the gloves in fairy liquid to keep his Cobham, confident in the knowl- nated the midfield with his firm defence well and our keeper hands soft and gentle, dropped edge that they were capable of challenges and typical Texan Fleming pulled out the save of his the ball to an awaiting Birkbeck winning this years league. bravado that we've come to expect career. We scored 2 more goals attacker, who put them ahead. We were modelling the new kit, from him, struck a shot from out- making the score 3-1, but then However, the ICSM spirit couldn't with Marco and Sheriff proving side the box, and left the keeper Birkbeck, with the aid of their no. be beaten down and Tom Cusack that the extra large sizes were a standing as the ball shot right past 7, and a few comedy errors on our dribbled through 5 of their play- valid choice. Led from the side- him into the top corner and ICSM part, managed to scrape the score ers, and after receiving the ball on lines by captain Roland Hettige, went ahead. back to 3-3. the edge of the area, linked up (who devastatingly is out after a However, while rejoicing in the ICSM started the 2nd half with the pace-machine Johnny heroic performance during this first goal of the season, we forgot strongly (after their inspiring team Hailes, and fired a shot into the summer's football match on tour that the match had re-started, and talk), with another 1st year Jason top corner making the score 5-5. against Sporting Lisbon). constant pressure on the usually being brought on for the injured However, sheer bad-luck and a ICSM started the match well, fortress-like defence of Tom Brick, Seb. Jason immediately proved lack of fitness overcame us at the attacking and keeping the ball Chris Alesakis and the other star his worth playing a great ball to end, and despite all our best deep in the opposition's half. fresher Seb Ellis, caught ICSM put the goal-scoring machine efforts, we couldn't stop their no. Notable performances from the unaware and Birkbeck calmly slot- Marco Calandrini, who calmly 7 from scoring another goal. maverick strikers, Marco and ted in an equaliser. However, the slotted away his 2nd goal of the However credit has to be given to Johnny Hailes made the opposi- 2nd team spirit was un-fazed, and match. However, Birkbeck didn't the lads for putting on a great dis- tion defence almost cry with we came straight back, and for want to be left behind and imme- play and playing well in a very embarrassment, and new signing long periods were in control of the diately scored again, making the memorable match. Judging by Rob displayed some Brazilian midfield with the only trouble score 4-all. We began to detect a this first performance, the 2nds style flicks to worry the Birkbeck coming from the opposition no. 7. pattern emerging.Things began to have great potential this season. Wye girls triumph

GKT 110-3 Wye was so willing to come. another great shot from Laura half, and Rosie's shouting cer- We kicked off in the drizzle that was stopped by the GKT tainly scared off a few GKT who Sunday mornings are never a after a crash course in keeping keeper. Becks put our third goal tried to tackle her ! good time to try and get eleven for one of our last-minute addi- home, building on an earlier Full time and we were girls to play football, especially tions - the only reason she decid- effort in a scramble in the first amazed - our first match of the in the freezing rain where the ed to be goalie was the advan- half involving almost kicking the season a win. Then off to the pitch is a two-hour drive away. tage of trousers against the bitter keeper in the head! much-awaited bath (keeping the We soon found this out when the cold. The defence did an excellent coach firmly outside) and then minibus pulled in to find five Both teams played really well job of sending the ball forward down to the bar for some very cold girls waiting. Panicked and I was particularly impressed the few times it did stray into our healthy beans and chips. phone calls started, as did lots of with the structure kept by the frantic running round the village GKT team and how often they trying to coax others from their called to each other. warm, comfy, beds. Wye kept up the pressure all In the last two seasons, Wye's through the first half, with sever- record has not been the most al shots on goal, and Maria man- impressive, but this season we aged to get one in before half have roped in one of the lads to time. Our coach kept us level- coach us who is even willing to headed and constantly reminded come to away matches. However us that we couldn't get compla- this might have been only for cent even though we'd scored. this match - GKT have the great Into the second half, great play bonus of a huge bath for after from the Wye midfield sent a ball the match, and given the image up to Geraldine in front of the of eleven girlies in a steaming goal, and she managed to send bath we didn't wonder why he us 2-0 up. This was followed by

[email protected] The student newspaper of Imperial College SPORT FELIX Virgins violated

IC Virgins 0 - 19 Herts of whining bitches, but they really do go on, and we addressed their I thought that our massed faithful usual 'issues' in full. readers would like a bit of pre-sea- Aoife (said efa) and Rachel were son waffle, slander and gossip so - both outstanding, and were our We went to Sandersfoot on tour, back and forward of the match got very drunk, played no rugby at respectively, showing us all a few all and went to a really classy club. of their slinky moves and proving The start of the year has been muy that they really knew what the hell interesante (just shows what level they were doing. 5 Spanish does for your diction - I'm really struggling to find any ed), but due to an incredibly suc- particularly memorable moments, cessful bribery attempt, I cannot other than the three tries they divulge all of my deepest darkest sneaked past us, but there were you, oh my children, the match deserved to be fair, a mention for secrets (get the pints down ya some crunching tackles, including went well, we were pretty lush, traversing the north south divide to Dapps) but i can tell you that a some sexy efforts from bally Ally and the new people seem to have watch her fave team. certain budding romance between and new girl Priya. added some much needed and And just to add to the Chris a certain curly-haired fresher and Spatchy's bruise is f***ing most certainly appreciated class to Prothero hall of fame (see any an really unattractive male rugby whoppin', so if you see her make the outfit. first's report), don't go there girls. player is off. Bastard. sure you give it a good poke. By So they can all get the first sec- Ever. Need i say more? I think not. So, to last Wednesday, with our the way, if any of you are looking ond or two of their fifteen minutes Cheers then, and watch out for shockingly over-enthusiastic fresh- for any tips on cooking a high of fame they were: Alex - Chantel our first league match next week, ers, who also turned out to be a bit quality spatchcock chicken then look-a-like - Aleks, Rachel, Priya, against Surrey. We're still looking bloody good, when we played a see the aforementioned, and she'll Kitty, Tanya, Jenny, Aoife and Ella. for more people for the team, so if pre-season friendly against Herts. be happy to help. At the other end of the age range, you want to play check out Not to say that they're all a bunch So to conclude the watch for slapper Beth has demanded, and union.ic.ac.uk/womensrugby.

imperial Presents HI Jfc Jt JHBPHJI ...co^eunion o.^^jin the g SCREENS BARS Shoot! Saturday 19th October Leeds v Liverpool 12 pm Competition continued through the one might first have thought. summer vacation for the Imperial IC started well, winning their College Rifle Team. We were com- first round match. The second did Sunday 20th October peting in the West Kent Rifle not go quite as well, however, see- Charlton v Boro 4pm League Summer Short Range ing us beaten by Blackpool A. Team Postal competition for the Amazingly we managed a tie in the first time. The competition is third with City of Stoke , with both Monday 21 st October organised into divisions containing teams getting 477 out of 500 six teams. Each team then shoots points. Some extremely good Villa v Southampton 8pm ten rounds, twice against each shooting on the part of our oppo- other club in the division, and nents, and some slightly below par points are awarded for a win, loss shooting on our part, saw IC lose Tuesday 22nd October or draw. A win would secure the the next two rounds. However, we Sp. Moscow v Liverpool 5pm team 2 points, a draw 1 point and did not allow ourselves to be dis- no points for a loss. The other couraged and put in some very clubs in the competition were all good scores for the next three; win- Arsenal v Auxere 7.45pm non-university clubs. Teams con- ning rounds six and seven, and (not at Charing cross due to comedy) sisted of five shooters, and for each only losing out to City of Stoke at round they had to shoot 1 ten-bull the second attempt by 1 point in Wednesday 23rd October card at 25 yards. the eighth. It was clear after the first few The final two rounds did not go Olympiakos v Man Utd 7.45pm rounds that one team were the our way despite some good scores by our able shooters. We finished clear favourites. Team Nypro were " imperial shooting consistently high scores, in 5th place, which was disap- college union and indeed they went on to win the pointing as the middle of the table CHARING CROSS BAR division, but not as convincingly as was fairly close. Ml (WEEK DAYS ONLY)

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